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  1. Mindful parenting is a tool to help you clear your mind and open your heart, says meditation and mindfulness teacher Ann Vrlak. Discover how to reconnect with yourself and your intentions as a parent by following her tips. You’re making dinner. Your two school-aged children are fighting, the dog just padded through the kitchen with muddy paws, your partner called to say they’ll be late and your teenager is tuning you all out watching something on their iPad. Just another family meal! However, this kind of stressful scenario is many parents’ “normal.” It’s why mindful parenting is very much on many parents’ minds, and even more so during a global pandemic where families are facing unprecedented stresses and uncertainty. Indeed, many parents want to know how mindfulness can help them reduce their own stress, be the good parents they most want to be, and model healthy coping skills for their kids. What is mindfulness? Let’s start with a quick look at two definitions of mindfulness: Paying attention to the present moment with kindness and curiosity. Non-judgemental awareness of your moment-to-moment experience. In its essence, mindfulness is taking a deep pause. Sometimes there isn’t a lot of space between our feelings and thoughts about a situation, and our reactions to it. We literally react without thinking, usually in a habitual way, sometimes making stressful situations worse for ourselves and our loved ones. Mindfulness is a mini reset that lets you see a situation with fresh eyes. To see things as they are with a little less baggage about the past, or worries or hopes about the future. Take a pause for mindful parenting As a parent, mindfulness is a tool to clear your mind and open your heart, to reconnect with your deepest intentions for yourself as a parent. And, at the same time, your mindful parenting shows your child how to better handle their own anxiety. So, you don’t need to understand any philosophy or complicated practices to try mindful parenting. But I wouldn’t be telling you the whole story if I said it’s always easy. What is mindful parenting and how do I do it? Close your eyes for a few seconds. Slow down a bit and pay attention to what is happening in this moment, with kindness and curiosity. Take a few deep breaths, noticing the sensations in your body as you do, letting your thoughts and feelings flow by for just a moment. Not so hard, right? Kind of relaxing. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • Now try it again, picturing the dinner scene at the start of this article. A little harder, right? Maybe a little less kind and non-judgemental? Mindful parenting is meant to help us all be more present and resourceful with exactly these busy, stressful realities of life. There are essentially two ways to practice mindfulness: Taking a few quiet minutes away from your daily activities. Inserting small moments of mindfulness in the midst of family life. Both are beneficial and, no matter which you choose, mindful parenting looks like this: Create a pause. Come into the present. Notice with kindness and non-judgement what is happening. Choose your behavior. Mindful parenting exercise So, the next time you’re feeling stressed, try this mindful parenting exercise. And the next time after that. Create a pause. Break into the stress cycle of tension, thoughts, emotions and reactions with a pause. Do something to ground in and soothe your body, like taking two deep breaths. Feel the rising and falling sensations of breath in your body. Come into the present. Are you reliving past instances of the stressful situation or worrying about the future? While this is 100 per cent understandable, it takes you out of the moment where all of your resources and choices are. Do your best to maintain attention on your breath and body sensations, rather than your thoughts and emotions, just for a moment. Body focus helps you stay in the present. Notice with kindness and non-judgement what is happening. As you pay attention, commit to a kind, non-judgmental attitude toward your experiences. Being critical creates more thinking, more worrying, more blaming. Notice, with curiosity, if you are being unkind to yourself or those around you. Noticing without judgement sounds like this: “My partner is late. This may create extra work for me.” Noticing with judgement sounds like this: “My partner is late, again! Why are they so selfish?” Get the idea? When you practice this even a little, you may notice your mind and heart calming down. You feel more inner space. That’s the time to start noticing what your thoughts and emotions are really telling you. “What am I feeling right now? What is my child feeling?” You have created a pause to see beyond the surface and ask, “What is actually going on here? What can I do to help?” You’re not analyzing, just trying to see clearly, with some kindness. Choose your behavior. These steps and attitudes help you to choose behaviour, rather than your behaviour choosing you. Kindness and curiosity, more than anything else, strengthen your ability to self-regulate your emotions, stay with your experience and respond wisely. As a parent, be mindful of your child's moods Not only that, but you will model positive coping for your children. They learn from you how to choose what’s best for them, rather than acting out of fearful feelings and thoughts. Conclusion: mindful parenting One of the most common worries parents talk about in my mindfulness classes is guilt. They snap at their child for something, feel guilty and resolve never to do it again. But, the next time the child acts out, the parent reacts just as they said they wouldn’t. They become demoralized – stuck in a stressed, reactive, regretful cycle. This kind of knee-jerk reaction – that is in conflict with your best intentions – is a hallmark of stress. Don’t underestimate the effect stress has on your body, mind and spirit. The good news is, each time you practise mindfulness, you help to balance and strengthen all three. Your actions automatically start to come more into alignment with your intentions and values. You don’t need to practice for an hour a day. It doesn’t matter how long your periods of mindfulness are, only how often and how sincerely you do them. I hope you’ll try both types of mindful breaks: taking a few minutes in a quiet place and boldly taking a pause in an unquiet situation! If you’d like to go deeper, consider taking a mindful parenting class. This could be a great gift for yourself and your entire family. Stay well. • Main image: shutterstock/Evgeny Atamanenko happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Communication skills | Family activities | Happiness | Meditation | Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.
  2. As parents or future parents, we want nothing more than for our kids to be happy. But can we guide our children into a more joyful way of being? Mother and teacher Molly Scanlan believes we can by introducing them early on to happiness habits. Read her six secrets to raising happier and contented children that appreciate life. Whatever hopes and goals we have for our children, we all want them to be joyful and experience happiness. The encouraging news is that, just like good manners, you can teach the habits that lead to happy children. As parents, we hope to impart the beliefs and good habits that we want our kids to carry into adulthood. And, interestingly, a German study from 2013 found that parents do indeed transmit values and behaviours to their children. The researchers also concluded that the life satisfaction of kids continues to be influenced by that of their parents (and vice versa) throughout life. So, parents have a powerful role to play in the production of happy children. As both a parent and teacher, I know that the early years are a prime time for learning. But as well as academic, social and physical skills, you can also pass on the keys to developing a satisfying and happier life. Secrets to raising happy children In your own quest for happiness, you may have already come across habits that you've started to build into your life. Indeed, you may have realised that this can take a lot of time and effort (and that happiness is a journey and not a destination). So, if you're a parent, do your children a favour and install them with these happiness habits as they grow up. Even if you're not a parent, this advice is also relevant for those of us with younger family members in our lives, perhaps a niece or nephew. Tip 1: Exercise Regular physical exercise has a host of health benefits. As well as keeping our bodies functioning better for longer, it positively affects memory, concentration and academic performance. Exercise has also consistently been shown to combat the symptoms of depression and anxiety. We’ve all experienced a lack of motivation for getting off the couch and getting moving. Young, happy children naturally run, climb and dance – they certainly don’t seem to suffer from lack of energy or desire! But somewhere along the line, many of us become more sedentary. But studies indicate that if we use self-control we can turn exercise into a regular habit. So, how can we make sure our children grow up with exercise as part of their routine? A recent study found that ‘controlled motivation’ for physical activity when younger led to a negative effect on their participation in exercise at age 11. This means we cannot force our kids to exercise. Like us adults, children want to do things if they’re fun. Partaking in active pursuits as a family will teach them that this is a joyful and standard building block of life. So, your kids need to see you enjoying exercise, too. As I have a toddler, we spend a lot of time in the park. I encourage him to challenge himself when climbing and jumping, giving him absolute freedom unless it’s dangerous. Also, support your children to find a team sport they enjoy: scheduled practice and forming friendships should help them continue to love it and participate in the long-term. Tip 2: Get out in nature If you can, do plenty of those physical activities outside. We’ve all seen happy children running around in the fresh air and felt better ourselves after a long walk in a park or along a trail. Indeed, there's a growing body of evidence showing that simply connecting with nature has a positive impact on our mental health. Forest bathing as a practice began in Japan but has gained popularity as a therapeutic method across the globe. If you want your children to feel less stressed and more mindful, get them into the habit of spending time near trees and green spaces. A study of nearly 300 children in Mexico revealed a link between feeling more connected with nature, demonstrating sustainability-related behaviours and self-perceived happiness. In our family, we love getting out into the countryside by train or walking to the woods. My son can name different types of birds and trees and asks lots of questions. Like a lot of kids, he adores muddy puddles and collecting sticks and stones! Nature = happy and contented kids! If you and your family regularly spend time in natural surroundings, this gives your children an opportunity to feel more connected with the landscape. Carrying this feeling into adulthood, they can give their happiness a boost each time they venture outside. Ttip 3: Find their passion Finding and pursuing a passion in life is great for our well-being. Indeed, having a sense of purpose and knowing which activities that bring us joy lead to greater happiness. The best way you can support your child in this quest is by opening up their horizons. Give them opportunities to try a range of things – even things you may not enjoy yourself! Follow their lead and listen when they tell you what they do and don’t enjoy. They will then naturally narrow down to the pursuits that bring them the most happiness. Given a chance to practise regularly and see improvements, they are more likely to continue this hobby past adolescence. “Parents have a powerful role to play in the production of happy children. As a parent and teacher, I know that the early years are a prime time for learning.” However, no one likes a pushy parent and it seems children themselves agree! Do not force your kids into activities – simply support them in making choices. Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, warns against pushing your child towards one specific skill or activity. She told Psychology Today: “When parents support instead of push, kids find their passions and interests and learn to follow their own paths toward success and happiness.” Tip 4: Journaling There are many different forms of journaling, and it has recently become a popular tool specifically for supporting good mental health. Practising gratitude, including on paper, can promote happiness, mindfulness and clarity. And science shows it can help in creating contented kids. A gratitude practice was linked to happiness in a study of 5-year-olds. Another study looking at teenagers found a positive association between gratitude, life satisfaction and optimism. So whatever age your child is, they can benefit. Start simply by introducing the concept of gratitude to children at a young age. Asking questions such as “what was your favorite thing you did today?” and modelling statements such as “we are so lucky to get to see this view” will encourage them to do the same. We do this at home and I can already see that our toddler has taken it on board. The other day he got an ice cream and as he sat down to lick it he said, “I’m a lucky pup!”. Journaling fosters happiness in kids shutterstock/Syda Productions Once kids have the habit of expressing gratitude verbally, as they get older they can graduate to writing it down. You can give them ideas, but it will work best if they discover a way of journaling that they find most helpful. As your kids enter adolescence, they may choose not to share this process and document with you but you can rest easy in the knowledge that processing their emotions on paper and feeling grateful for all they have is boosting their happiness. Buy your happy children a new notebook today to start a positive habit that could help them stay that way for years to come. Tip 5: A sound sleeping routine Sleep is a hot topic in the parenting world! For those of use who are up multiple times in the night, we are well aware of how disturbed sleep affects parents. But the gift of consistently good sleep might be the most powerful gift we can give our children. Getting a good night’s rest benefits us in lots of ways. Repeated insufficient sleep has been linked to diabetes, heart disease and even lower life expectancy. It can also correlate with depression and anxiety. Happy children are those that get enough good quality sleep. “When parents support instead of push, kids find their passions and interests and learn to follow their own paths toward success and happiness.” This is not to say that you need to sleep train your baby: that is a personal choice families make. Rather, as your child grows, help form the habit of a good bedtime routine and teach them what constitutes a suitable sleeping environment. There are lots of ways to promote good sleep. Provide your child with a comfy, safe bed and a room that isn’t too hot (about 20 degrees celsius). Keep a consistent bedtime routine. Wind down with quiet activities, put away electronics and give your child a bath. Reading a bedtime story has educational as well as sleep-related and emotional benefits. When your child is older, you can talk to them about the effects of caffeine and alcohol and encourage them to keep their phone outside of their room at night (though that last one might be impossible!). Tip 6: Don't praise too much This might be surprising, but you should avoid over-praising your child. This can turn happy children into frustrated adults. This doesn't mean you should never tell them they’ve done a great job – you just need to praise the right things in the right way. Liberally piling on the positive feedback can create what’s known as a ‘fixed mindset’ in your child. They will incorporate the idea that (for instance) “I’m good at maths” into their identity. Then when they encounter a challenge or make a mistake, they will be devastated, as this doesn’t tally with their sense of self. Learn more about instilling a ‘growth mindset’ in your child and they should become more resilient and determined. Teach them that mistakes are not to be avoided at all costs. In fact, they are a vital part of the learning process. This is something I do with my own son. I’ll admit I sometimes sound a bit silly praising a 6-month-old for their effort but I’m expecting this to pay off in the long run! I look for opportunities to comment on the way he solves a problem or how he shows perseverance rather than simply tell him he is great at something. The wrap: raising happy kids The gift you have been given yourself is being in the position to help your child start a lifetime of happiness. While no one is blissfully happy all of the time, you can provide your child with the habits that promote robust mental health and chances for joy. Many of the ways in which we, as adults, try and pursue happiness can start almost from birth. Model these behaviours in front of your children and explain them explicitly when they're older. The great news is, that well-being is ‘contagious’ within families. A study has shown that positive aspects of well-being are transmitted between all members of a household. So, working on your child’s happiness habits as well as your own will benefit everyone in your family. ● Main image: shutterstock/Jacob Lund happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Family activities | Nature | Sports & physical activities Written by Molly Scanlan Molly Scanlan is a freelance writer, parent and teacher from London, UK. She writes about health, science, education and parenting. Connect with her on Twitter and find out more on her website.
  3. Research suggests that adolescents thrive when they can make a meaningful difference in their communities. By Meghan Lynch Forder on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. As parents of adolescents, we think a lot about what we need to do for our kids so they thrive as adults — or (depending on our philosophy) what our kids need to do for themselves to thrive as adults.
 And one of the most crucial activities our teens can engage in is contributing to their social groups. As they get older, teens can provide emotional and practical support to friends, family, and the broader community in deeper, more meaningful ways. Research suggests that kind and helpful behavior toward others actually increases from childhood through adolescence — making the stereotype of the self-absorbed teen a myth. In fact, adolescence is a sweet spot for contributing to others. With massive changes happening in teens’ brains, their newfound physical, cognitive, and emotional capabilities combine to enable them to make contributions that have real benefits to the people around them. What’s more, opportunities to make such meaningful contributions appear to build exactly the skills they need to flourish as adults. Both our teens and their communities will be better off if we help them find ways to make a difference. How the teen brain is primed to contribute What are “meaningful” contributions? When we talk about contributing, it’s not just about being kind or volunteering here and there (although both are important). It refers to “contributions of consequence” — actions that have substantial benefits to others that help to reach a shared goal. This type of contributing involves not simply taking a single action but playing an important role within a group — whether it’s a family, school, or community. RELATED: Why is volunteering important? Adolescents, it turns out, are remarkably well adapted to contribute to others. Adolescence is a time of massive restructuring in the brain, creating a faster, more efficient system. Neuroimaging studies show that the neural networks that change most significantly during adolescence are the same networks activated by contributing to others. Flower power: teens working in a community garden shutterstock/Daisy Daisy For example, the “social brain” — the intricate network of areas in the brain that activate in social interactions — matures rapidly during the adolescent years. This development increases young people’s ability to understand the feelings and perspectives of other people. Adolescents’ advancing cognitive maturity allows them to consider the complex dynamics of other people’s competing perspectives and needs to determine whom and how to help. Another area changing during these years is the “reward system,” which increases the positive feelings teens get from new and exciting experiences. This is the brain area most commonly implicated in adolescent risk taking, which strikes fear in the hearts of many parents. But evidence suggests that the same brain changes involved in adolescent rebelliousness and risk taking also drive kind and helpful behaviors, such as contributing. How adolescents benefit from contributing Giving benefits the giver. According to research, adults who contribute to others have improved moods, lower stress, and fewer health problems. Adolescents benefit in similar ways, and they get their own unique benefits from contributing, as well. For example, the increased activation of the reward system in the brain may make adolescents value giving more and feel more fulfilled by it. Young people from families in which contributing is a particular value seem to feel this sense of reward even more acutely. Adolescents also report being happier on days when they help their families. Studies have shown that students who are helpful, cooperative, and sharing tend to be more popular than those who use fear or intimidation to gain status, providing another incentive to contribute. This is particularly crucial to adolescents, who, thanks to hormonal changes beginning at the onset of puberty, are extremely sensitive to belonging and earning respect. “Research suggests that kind and helpful behavior toward others actually increases from childhood through adolescence — making the stereotype of the self-absorbed teen a myth.” The stress-reducing effects of contributing may also be especially important during adolescence, when teens’ bodies and minds are highly reactive to stress (more so than at any other age). Most importantly, contributing provides adolescents the experiences they need to complete the key tasks of this life stage: building autonomy, identity, and intimacy. Making meaningful contributions to others allows adolescents to see that they can have a positive effect on the world, giving them the confidence necessary to build autonomy and agency. When their contributions are recognized, young people come to understand their place and value in the world, developing their sense of identity. Having the opportunity to provide meaningful social support to friends and family builds the intimacy they’ll need to form positive, long-lasting relationships in adulthood. How teens can make meaningful contributions Adolescents’ increasing connections to those outside of their family allow them to have an impact in many different spheres. Here are some ways they can make substantive contributions, to their immediate family and the wider community. 1. Family As adolescents grow stronger and more coordinated, with increased cognitive abilities, their roles as family helpers can become more substantial. Adolescents can provide real, meaningful help with jobs like cleaning, cooking, and sibling care. But meaningfully contributing to a family goes beyond chores. Adolescents also need a chance to play a real role in the functioning of the family. Participating in family decision making — about anything from spending decisions to food choices at mealtime to rules around bedtime and homework — is one important way they can contribute. This sort of involvement doesn’t mean they make the decisions, but that their ideas, feelings, and judgments are a genuine part of the decision-making process. Even if their suggestions aren’t followed every time, when their perspectives are seriously considered, they’re contributing to the family. Helping hand: shopping for older family shutterstock/DGLimages Contributing to the family has benefits beyond the household. Studies show that young adolescents who participate in family decision making adjust better to junior high school, are more motivated at school, and have higher self-esteem than their peers who don’t have such opportunities. The sense of fulfilling an integral role in a family has been shown to improve teens’ well-being and sense of responsibility. It can even reduce the risky behaviors many of us worry about in our adolescent kids. There’s one caveat with contributing to family: increased chores and responsibilities that fall to adolescents as a result of parents’ physical or mental illness or other family traumas can have the opposite effect on their well-being and academic success. 2. Peers Research shows that friends are a key source of social support for teens, and that this relationship is an important avenue for contributing. The more equal power dynamics in friendships with same-aged peers allow adolescents to play a more significant role in the relationship than they often can with adults, such as by giving emotional support, offering opinions, and making plans. “When their contributions are recognized, young people come to understand their place and value in the world.” In addition to helping each other, teen friends can also motivate each other to contribute more broadly. When middle and high school students believe that contributing is a social norm among their peers, or when they get positive feedback from their friends for contributing, they’re more likely to help a classmate or pitch in money for the group. Adolescents who help others appear to inspire their best friends to do the same. As busy as your teenager may be, it’s important to leave time for just “hanging out” with friends — the chance to make a friend laugh or to literally be a shoulder to cry on. 3. Schools Just as contributing to the family is more than just doing chores, contributing at school is more than just required volunteer hours. Meaningful contributions at school will enable students to have a substantial impact on their school environment. This means involving middle and high school students in decision making around coursework, classroom practices, and school policies. Opportunities to choose seating arrangements, learning activities, or grading practices are all avenues for meaningful contributions. Being involved this way in decision making at school has been shown to increase students’ motivation and connection to the school community. Brushing up on skills: community work shutterstock/Daisy Daisy An active, empowered student government is another way for adolescents to make meaningful contributions to their school. Clubs and sports give adolescents a chance to have a real impact on their teammates, and organized service learning programs can help students impact their larger communities.
 Not all schools have the know-how or funding to provide all students with equal opportunities to contribute. For those students, community programs can be a valuable alternative. 4. Communities Adolescents are physically and cognitively capable of serving their communities and the wider world. For the most enriching experience, they need a chance to have a measurable, notable impact on the organization or population they’re helping, and they need a chance to reflect on the meanings of their contributions. High-quality volunteer programs also allow adolescents to play an active role in the organization itself. Not all volunteer situations for teens meet those standards. Programs such as 4-H, Boys & Girls Clubs of America, and the YWCA/YMCA generally provide the opportunities young people need to benefit from such contributions. Yes, adolescents still need support from their parents. But a big part of what they need is for us to see them as the thoughtful, capable, caring people that they have already become. Adolescents flourish when they have a chance to make significant contributions to their families, friends, schools, and communities. That’s how they get what they need to thrive as adults who can make a meaningful difference in the world. ● Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu
  4. Telling your kids 'no' often makes them only rebel more. So, what's the best way to deal with curious children when problems arise? Indian spiritual leader KAMLESH D. PATEL aka Daaji says it's time to stop nagging and start guiding... Parenthood isn't always a walk in the park! Here, spiritual leader and parent Daaji shares his advice on how to deal with a couple of common parenting issues, asked by author and educator Anuradha Bhatua. Anuradha Bhatua: Can we speak about the relationship between parents and teenagers? I have two children, and during their adolescence, they always felt, “We are right, mummy and papa are wrong. We are being curbed.” And this is the age when they are rebellious. For everything, the answer is, “No, I will not do it. My friend’s parents let them do this, you don’t let me do it, you are wrong.” And this is also the age when there is a little separation or distance developing between adolescent children and parents. What is your advice on this, and how do you mend this relationship? Daaji: “You cannot manhandle children at that age. If you are too strong they will break. If you are too weak they will become spoilt. The most important thing is how you prepare them for the future from day one. You cannot expect to see a change in them when they have turned 12 or 13. “There is no easy solution. We have to support them to a certain extent, for example, “I don’t mind you going out, but by this time you should come back.” Does that mean they will postpone or pre-pone the activities which are not so good? We don’t know. We have to trust them also. Have confidence that they will not do anything wrong. Be careful, but not too careful “If you constantly nag them and warn them, it frustrates them. Over carefulness from the parents’ side destroys the relationship. Be careful, but don’t show it. Be very subtle, and share stories with them – beautiful stories, inspiring stories. The problem is that we have stopped reading stories to them at bedtime. Even when they are 13, 14, 15 or 18 – why not even when they are at 30 – share a nice story with them. Share a nice joke with them. That will make them think. This rhythm has to be placed in their hearts from a young age. Daaji: “When they are teenagers, an inner awakening is there in them, and they are slowly shifting mentally and emotionally from their dependence on their parents to their own self.” “When children are awake, we can intensify their observational capacity, starting with how a flower blooms, how the stars shine – keep them busy with inspiring things. Let them count the stars. It is a beautiful moment actually. Let them see the leaves changing colors every day. Take the child every day to the same tree or plant and say, 'Look at this tree. We’ll come back tomorrow and we will see the color.' Continuously keep at these activities. Bring a coffee cup, fill it with soil, put some seeds in the soil, and see how new life sprouts. This training in observation that we give right from the beginning is very important.” Use nature and plants to train your children in the powers of observation Guide them in the right direction “Now, all this is up to a certain age. Afterwards we can teach them regularity in life: to wake up early in the morning, how to sit, how to talk, the kind of music to listen to, etc. This rhythm has to be placed in their hearts from a young age. When they are teenagers, an inner awakening is there in them, and they are slowly shifting mentally and emotionally from their dependence on their parents to their own self. They are searching, and they are discovering things. Our job is to guide them in the right direction. “Don’t be bossy. Don’t lecture them. If your child says, 'I want to try this out,' you can say, 'OK, go ahead. Let’s see what happens.' Don’t always be so negative. Don’t always question, ´What were you doing?´ You're putting your child on the defensive. You are teaching them how to lie. You could say instead, 'I wish I had known; I would have picked you up, my son or my daughter.' “Conversation is important, and communication is very important. Joking is the most important thing. Jokes that you used to share with little children do not need to stop as they become teenagers. Story sharing can continue. When you read a profound philosophical message from any source, share it with them with a lot of joy: 'My child, listen to this, how wonderful it is.'” Mistakes happen: don't worry “And when they do something wrong, it's not the end of the world. Children are not stupid. They know that they have made a mistake, but we make it worse by reminding them, 'You see what you have done? I knew you were going to do this.' Then they rebel. They already know that they have made a mistake and feel bad about it; now you're rubbing salt into the wound. “You have to be sympathetic in a very indirect way also. Behave as though you don’t know anything, because their pride is riding high at that time. They don’t want to show their mistakes to the parents whom they adore so much. Indeed, 'I don’t want to let my parents down' is also there. Even though a child may be going haywire, this inner sense is always prevailing. That is why they lie. That is why they hide. Otherwise, if they were so proud of their actions they would do it right in front of you. Their conscience is still active, still alive. Daaji: “Conversation is important, and communication is very important. Joking is the most important thing.” “But there are many parents these days who rear their children according to their desire and passion. So what is your desire, what is your passion, what do you want to create in your child? How are you going to design the destiny of your child? As your children grow, at every age, your approach to them must change. Once those children become adults and marry, they have their own lives, so why interfere? When they come to you, be the best you can be. Give the best you can, but there is no point interfering. Nagging them does not work: 'You must do this; you must not do that.' Don’t give them the chance to say you are stupid.” Educate yourself and embrace change “Also, be ahead of your children at the technological level, at the knowledge level. We stop learning things, and that is why our children are able to say, 'Oh! You don’t even know this!' At least have some idea about certain advancements, and the changes happening in the world. You cannot insulate yourself from the things that are happening. “Changes and trends need not be bad. They can be very ennobling. Now it has become a much freer society I would say, but we are paying a price for it: we are having a war! I mean there is so much boiling and mixing happening, like never before. I don’t think there was ever a period in the history of the human race like today. It is extremely unique. Extremely intense changes are taking place. At a good level there are intense changes, and at a bad level also there are intense changes. And we must help our children to go in the right direction. “Sometimes they make mistakes, and you are watching. Don’t let them go too far. Keep on showing them sensitively and sensibly about the perils, but not by becoming negative. Then they realise, 'My mom or my papa told me that, but I didn’t listen.' And when such things happen a few times they will have the confidence that, 'They are more experienced than me. Now it's time to listen.' Advise your children but be prepared to let them make mistakes too. “This can happen only when you give them the freedom to do certain things. Let them make mistakes. Let them understand on their own that you advised them correctly. Slowly they will have more confidence that, 'My parents are wise.' Of course, it's not always universal, as exceptions are always there in life situations, but by and large, respect will be greater when you don’t interfere. “You have to be very indirect. You have to play your role in such a way that children don’t feel that you're influencing them in any way. Always be guided by your heart. When you meditate, you will receive the guidance: 'This is what I should be doing or not doing.' Anuradha Bhatua: “Some parents I know were distraught because they found out their teenage son had started smoking and drinking with his friends, and there was a showdown. How does one handle that situation?” Daaji: “Give some level of liberty to your child. Smoking is not the end of the world. Drinking is also not the end of the world. It's not that you're giving them freedom to do all these things, but at times you have to let children learn certain lessons on their own by making mistakes. When you see that he or she is smoking, find some funny stories or movies depicting the negative effects of such a bad habit and share it with them. There is a lot of information available on drugs, drinking, etc. Provide it to them. “Help your children face peer pressure in doing or not doing certain things with their friends. Peer pressure kills them. We have to help them remove the guilt that develops because of such peer pressure. We have to give them the confidence that, “You have the ability to say ‘no’ to certain things. Use your wisdom; guide your friends. They can be foolish but you are wiser. If you go ahead and do it, see the impact of it on your physical system and mental system. “If they still insist, go ahead and give them the freedom. Tell them, 'I will buy you a carton of cigarettes, but see for yourself how it affects your studies and your physical well-being.' Show them all the negative things that can happen because of such indulgence. Daaji: “We have to give them the confidence that, 'You have the ability to say “no” to certain things.' Use your wisdom; guide your friends. They can be foolish but you are wiser.” “I remember in the 80s, when my boys were born one after the other, I used to get a newsletter on how to raise children. The number one suggestion was, 'Never say, “Do this” directly.' It's a beautiful suggestion, beautiful advice. Never force a child and say, 'You must sleep now.' Instead, say something like, 'Let’s make a rule: it's nine o’clock. When this hand comes to this number you must sleep because the clock says so.' Children understand all that. Afterwards, as they grow, they argue differently, and that's a different matter, but when they are young it's a matter of training. Don’t teach them the art of rebelling from an early age. Let them blame the clock!” ● Interviewed by ANURADHA BHATIA. Images: colourbox.com This article was first published in Heartfulness magazine. The copyright is owned by Sahaj Marg Spirituality Foundation and it's reproduced here with kind permission. Other articles by the author and similar articles can be accessed at http://www.heartfulnessmagazine.com Written by Kamlesh Patel Kamlesh Patel is the world teacher of Heartfulness, and the fourth spiritual Guide in the Sahaj Marg system of Raja Yoga. He oversees Heartfulness centers and ashrams in over 150 countries, and guides the thousands of certified Heartfulness trainers who are permitted to impart Yogic Transmission under his care. Known to many as Daaji, he is also an innovator and researcher, equally at home in the inner world of spirituality and the outer world of science, blending the two into transcendental research on the evolution of consciousness. Building on the insights of his first Guide, Ram Chandra of Shahjahanpur, he is expanding our understanding of the purpose of human existence to a new level, so necessary at this pivotal time in human history.
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