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  1. Finding happiness when you're a member of the LGBTQ community can be hampered by prejudice and homophobia. Roney, community manager at gays.com, shares his thoughts on how to be queer and happy. In the end we all have one thing in common: we are all searching for well-being and happiness. If you identify as LGBTQ, you’re no different. You want to feel comfortable. You want to live your life without worries and ideally share it with someone you love. Whether male or female, single or married, heterosexual or homosexual, we all strive for a fulfilled life. Coming out: hello feel-good life! Once you realise that you’re not heterosexual, one question might pop up: ‘What now?!’. You have to find yourself, find your position in society and – importantly – you have to stand up for yourself. And that often involves coming out. Young LGBTQ people know that this is not always easy, and they know this already long before their coming out. They experience how it feels when exclusion, hostility and discrimination is commonplace in their daily life. Whether in school or inside their own family, acceptance towards LGBTQ people is often less than satisfactory. Acceptance – not prejudice – is what LGBTQ people need Everyday homophobia When we're talking about the discrimination of queer people, we quickly stumble across the word homophobia. Even though this term is frequently used, it is, in fact, incorrect. People aren‘t scared of homosexuals (phobia), they are lacking acceptance. They cannot or won’t tolerant same-gender relationships, either because of their own lack of knowledge, religious beliefs, social environment or attitude. These beliefs often also extend to transgender people. My queer life: that’s me You are who you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, inter* or queer. You are here and you belong to our society. You are part of your community – our society – and for that you can be really proud. And yet many young queer people have a hard time feeling proud. Suicide rates of young people between the ages of 12 and 25 are four to eight times higher that of young heterosexuals. Young gay men are especially suffering with missing support in their families and are often scared about the reactions of family and friends. RELATED: 8 powerful suicide prevention quotes A 2018 study from WHO found that one third of the participating 13,000 young people from eight different European countries already had or still have suicidal thoughts. What did they all have in common? Their homosexuality. “It doesn't matter if you're lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, inter* or queer. You are here and you belong to our society.” Likewise, teenagers that have gathered same-sexual experiences throughout their adolescence, and would not specifically call themselves homo-, bi, - or pansexual, also struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression. Discrimination, stigmatization and rejection – these experiences have an impact on one’s development and impact greatly on personal happiness. Prejudices and pressure from society often fuel anxiety in LGBTQ people. Accepting your sexuality can lead to a fulfillment and happiness Our advice? Be happy You don’t have to hide yourself, you have to be yourself. Only then can you feel truly comfortable and happy. Only when you start to feel comfortable with yourself, will your emotional level change and you will be able to feel happiness inside. Likewise, you might not always be satisfied with yourself, but you can be (mostly) happy. You can accomplish what you reach out for, you can have friends that stick by you, and you can look ahead instead of looking back. The goal is not always to reach higher, further, and quicker, but to stay with both feet on the ground and worship the things you have already in your hands. You are happy. Written by Guest author This article was written by Roney, Community Manager of gays.de and gays.com. Besides his contact inside the community, Roney is engaged with CSD Deutschland e.V. and is campaigning for the acceptance of LGBTIQ* in Germany.
  2. It wasn't until she was in her mid-20s that Abi Brown realised she was bisexual. When she finally accepted and explored her sexuality with her male partner, it led to a more fulfilling relationship and greater happiness. I didn’t know I was bisexual until I was 25. This doesn’t mean that my sexuality changed: it just means that it took me time to figure it out. My assumption was always that I was heterosexual (an assumption I think many of us make.) I fell in love with guys and I thought my ‘girl crushes’ were a normal thing that straight women had. Not once did I ever think it was unusual. I did my fair share of fantasizing about having sex with women, but I honestly thought that it was just something that straight women did. My ‘girl crushes’ seemed to be a little bit more intense. Instead of ‘wanting to be like her’, it was very much ‘wanting to be with her’. I never really talked about it because I genuinely thought everyone felt the same. Bi the way: realising you're LGBTQ isn't always straightforward © shutterstock/delpixel So you can image the shock I felt when I learned that not everyone was like this. I'd gone my whole life with this idea of everything I did, thought and fantasized about was normal. Then suddenly one conversation stole that stability out from under me. The moment I realised I wasn’t straight Apparently, I have a unique feeling about my sexuality, as I thought it was totally normal. This could come from the fact I had pretty high self-acceptance. I was comfortable with who I was and what I was. There were no doubts in my mind that everyone else felt this way. Many other people I've read about and talked to have had quite the reverse experience. “I thought my fantasies about women were normal. It wasn't until I was talking with a group of cis females that I learned what I thought and dreamt about wasn't what everyone else was dreaming about.” Instead of feeling like an outsider, I just didn’t act on my desires because I thought I was straight. Yes, it is confusing. You can only imagine how confused I was when I realised that this whole time, my identity had been the B in LGBTQ – bisexual – but I'd just been confusing it for heterosexual. I can remember the moment I realised that I wasn’t straight. I was talking to a group of cis female friends about homosexuality and none of them could picture ever going down on a woman. A few of them mentioned that their minds “went blank” if they tried to think about it. As if they couldn’t process the idea because it was never something they had imagined doing or ever wanting to do. Totally shocked, I asked: “But wouldn't you want to try it? At least once?” RELATED: The 4 key factors for a happy sex life At this point, you can probably guess their answers, and my mind slowly started realising that I was the odd one out. I spent a few months thinking more deeply about my sexuality. I read countless ‘coming out’ stories, focusing on bisexual or lesbian women who only realised their sexual orientation later in life. I poured over articles about how you can be bisexual without having ever acted on it. It isn’t your actions that matter; it is your heart and brain. Just like if a bisexual woman marries a man, it doesn’t invalidate her bisexuality. Which is true about any sexuality. It's not necessarily something you can do much about, it's just who and what you are. Sort of like having green eyes; they're just green. Opening up and accepting my bisexuality Even after all this research and self-reflection, it still took me a year to tell my boyfriend. I kept it hidden inside. I was embarrassed by my delayed realisation, and terrified that he would be offended. The idea he might be worried that I would leave him because of it was unsettling. Helping hand: accepting your bisexuality can lead to happiness I didn’t know how to handle this realisation for myself and I had no idea how someone romantically involved with me would handle that information either. It was a completely unknown field for me. I was full of uncertainty and with questions spinning around. When I finally did tell him his response was something I will never forget. Luckily for me, none of my fears were validated when I finally told him. It hit the point in my mind where I couldn’t hide it anymore. Even if I never acted on my bisexual feelings, it didn’t invalidate my sexuality. I couldn't continue hiding who I was. He held me close and thanked me for sharing. He asked me a bunch of questions and was a bit saddened that I had waited so long to tell him. Then he looked at me and said: “I want you to explore that part of you. I never want you to feel like you’ve missed out on part of who you are”. I’m not going to go into the details about exploring my bisexuality together with my partner, but I do want to detail how close this made us. This new chapter of honesty with myself and him took our relationship to another level. One that I've learned a lot from and can say has infinitely helped me in becoming a happier, healthier person. “Even if I never acted on my bisexual feelings, it didn't invalidate my sexuality. I couldn't continue hiding who I was.” Opening up about my sexuality was the icebreaker for so many parts of our life together. It made me feel lighter. I felt like myself. I had accepted my sexuality to the point of expressing it to the person I loved, and it made all the difference. As we continued to dig deeper into to each other, he opened up to me about his life in deeper ways, too. Trust is key We trust each other because we're able to communicate about everything. Together, we continue to speak openly and honestly about other aspects of our lives. We continue to explore different parts of our sexualities and kinks. We go on adventures together. Most importantly, we trust each other because we are able to communicate about everything. These things would never be possible without that first step of acceptance and honesty. RELATED: While I'll never ignore my sexual needs in a relationship again This openness and trust is not something that came about because of my bisexuality, but it's true this was the initiation for it. The starting point, so to speak. Somewhere we could jump off into a deeper pool of trust in our relationship. That, in the end, made me look at myself and what I truly craved and needed to create a satisfying life. I was very fortunate to have such an open and accepting partner. Realising and then accepting my sexuality made me love myself more for who I am. As well as deepen the connection to my partner. In fact, if I could change anything, I would have hoped to realise it sooner! ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Abi Brown Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery.
  3. Can spicing up your sex life using BDSM techniques promote intimacy between you and your partner, leading to a better relationship and increased happiness? Abi Brown thinks so... 'Kink' and 'BDSM' can seem like intimidating terms for those of us who've never been involved in that type of community. The unknown is always a little scary, after all, and popular media promotes the idea that these lifestyles are strange, mysterious things that go on in grim dungeons between people dressed in latex suits and intimidating leather outfits. Behind all that, though, lies a truth you might be surprised to learn: the true core of BDSM is trust, and trust – as we all know – breeds intimacy and closeness between partners, and is essential to the workings of a healthy and happy relationship. So, what can the rest of us learn from the BDSM community about how this works? Why trust is the core of all good BDSM For people in ongoing kinky relationships, the bond between a dominant partner and their submissive can be one of the strongest and most reliable either of them will ever experience. BDSM takes its practitioners to deep psychological spaces together, and sharing those experiences promotes bonding. It’s also true that you cannot practice safe BDSM with someone you cannot trust, and that every time you give some of your power over to someone and they handle it carefully, they’re proving to you that you can trust them implicitly. For example, when someone is tied up, they’re relying on their partner to set them free again; when someone is being spanked or beaten, they’re counting on their partner to respect their limits and their pain threshold and not to mess it up. All tied up: BDSM play requires trust These practices work like trust exercises; they’re the sexual equivalent of falling backwards into thin air and knowing that your partner will catch you before you hit the ground. Over time, people who engage in these activities together frequently will develop a profound mutual trust that it can be harder to come by in so-called 'vanilla' relationships. Five ways to promote intimacy and trust If all that sounds good to you, don’t worry – nobody is suggesting that you go out and buy yourself a PVC catsuit – unless you think you might enjoy the experience! There’s more than one way to make use of this knowledge. Indeed, you don’t have to be interested in BDSM to be interested in some of the benefits it can bring. “The true core of BDSM is trust, and trust – as we all know – breeds intimacy and is essential to the workings of a healthy and happy relationship.” If you’d like to harness the ability of kink to promote intimacy between you and your partner, why not try out a few of these simple ideas together? You never know: you might discover a whole new world of things that get you both going. 1. Introduce a blindfold to the bedroom Imagine for a moment that you’re experiencing some of the most intense sexual pleasure of your life... but you’re blindfolded. You don’t know exactly what your partner is going to do next, and you’re finding that the physical sensations are heightened by the loss of sight. This is a hugely intense experience for many people, and could completely change the way you feel what’s going on! Almost everyone can enjoy a bit of blindfolded sex: it’s a great way to deepen the sensation of trust between you and your partner. 2. Speak more openly and honestly about your sexual self BDSM encourages people to share their fantasies in ways that other relationship types don’t. There’s a lot to be said for opening up in this way, though. Indeed, there’s nothing more intimate than discovering that your partner is a safe space, to be honest about your deepest desires. After all, and if they’re also interested in trying those things out you might find yourself having some of the best sex you've ever dreamed of. Stay open: discuss your sexual desires and needs 3. Embrace the power of symbols to bring you together We all know what wedding and engagement rings symbolise, but did you know that many people in BDSM relationships have a whole extra symbol that can be equally meaningful to them? Submissive partners will often wear a collar – sometimes a discrete or symbolic one that can be worn all the time – as a reminder of the nature of their relationship. There’s no need to wear a collar unless you happen to want one, of course, but there’s a lot to be said for private symbols that remind you of the bond between you and your beloved – like matching bracelets, for example. 4. Discover the endorphin rush of a light spanking Being spanked causes your brain to produce endorphins, meaning that you can get the same kind of euphoric high from a good spanking as you can from a good workout session. Don’t worry about your pain threshold: ask your partner to start light, and never feel pressured to take anything you’re not comfortable with. In addition to the natural hormonal rush, many people find that spanking is a profoundly intimate activity for both partners and one that can make you feel closer together when you’re done. “There's nothing more intimate than discovering that your partner is a safe space, to be honest about your deepest desires.” 5. Formalize some of your likes, preferences and limits It’s standard practice in the BDSM community to have a list of ‘favourites’ and ‘limits’: things you’re especially keen to do and things that you're not comfortable with doing. This idea has a lot to say for itself in vanilla relationships, too; by being clear and honest with both yourself and your partner about what you like most and what you have no desire to try (or try again). You’ll learn more about your sexual self as well as theirs, and be well on the way to a healthier and happier sex life – complete with all the intimacy that brings. Whatever you choose to do, it’s important to remember that you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into trying things you’re not comfortable with and that trust and safety should be at the forefront of your mind – and your partner’s – at all times. ● Main image: colourbox.com Written by Abi Brown Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery.
  4. After growing up in a household where sex was shamed, discovering BDSM helped Sienna Saint-Cyr to find self-acceptance and enjoyment when it came to her sexual life. Coming to grips with being kinky when you've been raised in a religious or very conservative household isn't easy. When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style intercourse, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge. Yet most of the kinkiest people I know have come from these sorts of family and societal dynamics. Indeed, many find self-acceptance through BDSM. So, you’re kinky, now what? You can explore without jumping right in. One thing that helped me — though my fear of exploration came from being abused — was with reading stories and seeing if they turned me on. This meant I explored a lot of topics. Some were more dominant/submissive related, others were about rough sex, some were about bondage... then there’s fetishes… I explored many areas and found that most of them were hot for me in some way or another. Though I didn't always know why they why did appeal to me, they just did. “When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style intercourse, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge.” I did a lot of reading of both fiction and non-fiction books. Both are important because as I read the fiction and found it hot, a lot of it wasn't realistic. Therefore, the non-fiction came in to explain how things should really happen. It was also helpful in figuring out the 'why' portion. The books that helped me most were The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. As well as SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. For fiction, I suggest going to literotica.com, or one of the other free sites, at least in the beginning. Experimentation and exploration Once you've explored with reading (and/or movies) and are fairly certain that you want to know more, that’s when I suggest asking around. While some venues can offer introductory courses and demonstrations, I've personally found this avenue riskier in the beginning. To start with, try an internet search on kink/BDSM 'munches'. Munches are for meeting people and asking questions. No actual scenes take place. Chances are, you’ll find others there that have been raised in similar environments. Once you've met some good and trustworthy people, then find a venue to watch demos. If you take things slowly and gradually lower into kinky waters, you’re going to have an easier time adjusting and backing out if you feel overwhelmed. When we've been taught — or even brainwashed — to believe that enjoying ourselves sexually is sinful or inappropriate, we have to face our shame and guilt eventually. This is why talking to others that have been through similar situations is helpful. Because this kind of shame and guilt is nonsense and serves no purpose other than to make us feel bad. Open minds lead to self-acceptance Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel based on the things you read, discuss, and later witness or take part in. Accepting ourselves means we get to experience a level of joy free of the guilt and shame we’d walked around with previously. This isn't limited to our sexual exploration but can also apply to all areas of our lives. “Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel.” When we accept our kinky side and find self-acceptance, it means we get to be conscious about our choices rather than have that side sneak out in non-consensual ways. We get to express ourselves without judgement, have better sex, and more fun. In my experience, I've found almost everyone is kinky in some way. So, be brave, explore, and experience the joy that comes with accepting and loving who you are! And always remember: listen to yourself, explore, and know that it's OK to change your mind at anytime. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more at https://siennasaintcyr.wordpress.com/.
  5. Fulfilling relationships are about all good communication, and as kink or BDSM relationships are very much based around talking, Kayla Lords suggests we look at them deeper to learn more about developing long-lasting and honest relationships... Ask someone what they think of when you say “kink” or “BDSM” and, even if they’re not into kink at all, it’ll be something about pain or rope or leather. You’ll also talk about sex and fetishes. A lot of people focus on what makes kink stand out from non-kink. That’s the fun part for a lot of us, but there’s another level to many kinky and fulfilling relationships that anyone can benefit from doing in their own relationship. Kink and BDSM don’t work unless both parties are willing to communicate with each other. And you don’t have to be kinky for that to be good for your relationship. It’s both as simple as and as hard as doing very specific things: Say what you feel – good or bad Communicate your desires, even the ones that are new to you or you’re ashamed of Share your fears – about sex, relationships, and everything else Listen to each other – without thinking of what you’re going to say next Reserve judgement It’s important not to be judgmental about what the other person is telling you. They may admit to a curious desire to something you find repulsive. Instead of judging them based on how you feel about it, let them know it’s safe to talk to you. We have a saying in BDSM: Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay. The same is true outside of kink. You don’t have to want something for yourself for it to be okay for your partner. Undress the truth: fulfilling relationships are based around honesty Communication isn’t only about sex, though. Sharing fears, concerns, and worries that you have at work, at school, in your relationship, and in life bring you closer to each other. You’ll develop a trust and a bond that comes with knowing each other intimately. Be open to new things In a BDSM relationship, we discuss both hard and soft limits, as well as our desires. A hard limit is something you have no desire to try; it may even disgust you to imagine it. A soft limit is something that you’re unsure of, maybe even nervous about, but you would try it – at least once. This works when you’re not kinky, too. “Communication isn’t only about sex, though. Sharing fears, concerns, and worries that you have at work, at school, in your relationship, and in life bring you closer to each other.” Fulfilling relationships aren't always about sex. You may have a no-pet policy in your relationship, but you’d be willing to consider a goldfish. You may say you hate to travel, but if your partner was with you, you’d consider a road trip. The growth of a relationship is proportional to the growth of the people in that relationship. When you try new things, whether it’s a new sexual position or you ride a roller coaster for the first time, you learn something about yourself, and you grow. Successful relationships, kinky or not, thrive on trying new things. It fosters communication, experimentation, new ideas, and new opinions. Every relationship can benefit from that. Understanding consent The quickest way to break someone’s trust is to violate their consent. Most of the time, we’re talking about sex when we discuss consent. In a kinky relationship, not everything we do is sexual. Sometimes it’s about the kinky play – being tied up, being blindfolded, or anything not directly related to sexual intercourse. When you say no, whether it’s a clear, “No!” or a safeword like, “Purple banana!” or you don’t enthusiastically say yes to any activity, that lack of consent must be respected. Behind the sheets: don't be afraid to talk about what you want in sex It’s important to understand consent on a deeper level, for both parties. If you’re going to try something new, you’ll want to be able to give informed consent. This means that you have some idea of what to expect, what will happen, and what it will feel like. Your “new thing” could be a new restaurant, meeting someone new, or a new vibrator. We feel more at ease about our decisions when we have an idea of what to expect. Saying yes to something blindly can lead to bad surprises. And having someone ignore you when you say no will too. It will also create a crack in your relationship that can be hard to repair, and may break your relationship. Consent should be informed, understood, clear, and, above all, respected. Taking care of each other In BDSM, there's always a top and a bottom or a dominant and a submissive. One controls, the other gives up control. One has the power, the other consents to that power. What most people don’t realize, however, is that in the best BDSM relationships, each person takes care of the other. We fulfill each other’s needs as much as we can. We help each other. We build each other up, care for each other, and nurture our passions and goals. Every relationship can benefit from a bit of care. Even if your relationship isn’t one you expect to last forever, while you’re together, genuinely try to make that person’s life a little better. It may only be better while you’re in each other’s presence, and it should never violate your own ethics and morals, but asking how their day went, giving them a hug, encouraging them in their goals – these are all ways to easily take care of someone. Celebrate your differences Yes, compatibility is important in any relationship. If you didn’t have a single thing in common, things could get awkward and boring quickly. That being said, where you’re different there are opportunities to learn and grow as individuals. “In the best BDSM relationships, each person takes care of the other. We fulfill each other’s needs as much as we can. We help each other.” Don’t shame or allow yourself to be shamed for wanting or liking something different than your partner. Instead, use it as a place to begin a new journey for yourself, with your partner, or, if you’re interested in a more open relationship, with someone new. An open relationship won’t work without openness, honesty, integrity, trust, and constant communication in your relationship. When people think about BDSM or kink, sex and fetish are usually the first things that come to mind. It’s what excites some people and turns others off. But there’s much more to kinky relationships than that. Look beneath the surface, and you’ll find bonds that run deep. Everyone can benefit and find satisfaction from the things that really make fulfilling relationships work. Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Kayla Lords Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. She hosts a weekly podcast, Loving BDSM, where she and her Dominant talk about loving BDSM in a loving D/s relationship and share what they've learned and experienced as a kinky couple.
  6. After struggling with a divorce and orgasming, Kayla Lords went from writing about her sexual fantasies to teaching BDSM to others. Here's how she did it. How does a single mom, newly divorced, go from zero orgasms and little sexual pleasure to living a kinky BDSM life? A life complete with a 24/7 Daddy Dom and teaching BDSM and talking to thousands of people? Well, that’s an interesting question. It started with a breakup Being dumped because your lover can’t bring you to orgasm may rate as one of the strangest reasons for a breakup. But that was my reality. It bothered me; it hurt. I felt defective. Why couldn't I have an orgasm? And (worse), if I proved to this one guy that I could, would he take me back? Yes, those were my real thoughts. I've changed since then. The me today would tell him good riddance. I would also ask why he wasn't capable of bringing me to a sexual climax. For all my non-orgasmic ways, I’d been a highly sexual woman for most of my adult life, even when I repressed it in a bad marriage and for multiple reasons. Sexy scenes and fantasies played through my head every day. I was probably a little preoccupied with sex. I had no idea how these two separate things would change my life. Writing my truth When those two realities converged – a lack of orgasms and an overabundance of fantasies – I decided to do what I’d done to survive my divorce. I wrote about the journey. But I hadn’t lost my mind. I wasn’t going to blog under my name where my boss or my mom could read all the smutty freaky things in my mind. Thus Kayla Lords was born. Write on: Kayla Lords writes about her sexual journey (model pictured) Truer words have never been spoken. I had no idea what was going to pour forth on this new sex blog I’d begun. One day I wrote about my first orgasm. The next I wrote a fantasy of being watched, subtle shades of the powerlessness I would soon crave. Writing my truth made me want to discover more of my truth. Teaching BDSM: the world opened up By “the world” I mean the sex blogging world. For those who don’t live their life writing, talking, or thinking about sex, it can come as a shock just how many people are willing to bare their sexual soul online. I didn’t see the potential sexual path I could take until I took the first step and wrote the first blog post. “Writing my truth made me want to discover more of my truth.” A door opened. My natural curiosity compelled me to go through it. I found kinksters who fully lived a Master/slave life. Others who loved the sensual side of Dominance and BDSM submission. And, yes, like many others before me, I discovered kinky erotica; dirtier and harsher than anything I would want for myself, but exciting nonetheless. I chronicled my journey From my growing realisations of my submissive self to my first D/s relationship – and subsequent heartrending breakup – I wrote it all – what I thought, what I wanted. Sometimes, I hid my deepest desires in fiction and fantasy. Along the way, people found me, and I found other kinksters. We shared stories. Sent virtual hugs when life got rough. We were all on our journey, but we found common ground. Dominant and submissive, switch and kink-friendly vanillas. They were all out there, rooting for me, supporting me, and cheering me on. In return, I did the same for them. Within a sex blogging community, we were our kinky community. People asked questions Eventually, I found The One. The Dominant who was right for me, who was worth all the sacrifice and fear. My erotic fantasies became deeper, more nuanced. Still hot sex, but plenty of emotion and questions about what it might mean to submit and trust and love again. “A door opened. My natural curiosity compelled me to go through it.” Once I was ready to reveal that I might have found my own happily ever after, the questions began to pour in. How do you meet a Dominant? What do you do when you’re scared? How do you survive the heartbreak? How can I be a better submissive? I did the only thing I could think of. I answered their questions as honestly and openly as I could. Giving back: teaching BDSM I quickly realised that a lot of kinksters, especially those who were new and still single, all had the same questions. Indeed, plenty of people had shared similar experiences: wannabe Dominants who were abusers in disguise breakups that made them feel they’d never be whole again communication problems that followed them from the vanilla life to this kinky one. Part of being a good kinkster, in my opinion, is the responsibility we have to give back to our community. People can get hurt when they’re uneducated when they don’t know the questions to ask, or jump in too fast. We learn best from our experiences. In the first years of my sexual and kinky journey, I felt I’d learn plenty. Not to mention what I learned surviving a harrowing divorce. Writing articles about kinky topics, podcasting about my D/s relationship, answering the countless messages I receive – this is the way I can give back to the community by teaching BDSM. This is how I can help the next 'generation' of kinksters. To play safe, find happiness, and put themselves on a good path for kinky joy and fun. I don’t consider myself a true educator. I have no degrees that certify my expertise. But I’m happy to share what I’ve learned: about BDSM, relationships, and about the kink community. I have a voice. I have a perspective that helps people realise they’re not alone. That demanding honesty, trust and integrity aren't 'asking too much.' It’s my pleasure and my responsibility to help others so they can experience this journey most safely and sanely possible. And it all started with an orgasm and sexual fantasy! Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Kayla Lords Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. She hosts a weekly podcast, Loving BDSM, where she and her Dominant talk about loving BDSM in a loving D/s relationship and share what they've learned and experienced as a kinky couple.
  7. Finding happiness isn't always as simple as opening a box labeled joy. Some people find it in the most unexpected places, like BDSM submission. Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her personal journey of overcoming a troubled past and finding her inner peace... What is happiness? It doesn’t come in a neat little package titled, “open me for joy”. So, I had no idea how to find it. As with many girls I knew growing up, my thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence. Happiness, according to everything I knew at this time, came in the form of having things that other people could see. Happiness was external. Yet as I got older and achieved these goals, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. And this was confusing. My whole life I heard that if I had these things, followed this plan, then everything would be OK. That I would be happy. So I got those things, followed that plan and was most definitely not happy! While I loved my husband dearly and adored my children, the problem was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere. Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realized this whole time that I had looked outwards for happiness when I should have been looking inwards. But for me, looking inwards caused a problem... inside, I was an emotional mess. “My thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence.” Many years ago I’d experienced a lot of trauma and my inside was not such a happy place. Certainly, not somewhere I'd look for happiness anyway. While in therapy I actively began to deal with my diagnosis of Complex PTSD. We've all heard of soldiers coming back with PTSD, but Complex PTSD is a bit different. It generally starts earlier in life but not always. It's a trauma brought on in the form of a power dynamic struggle between the sufferer from a caregiver (or other interpersonal relationship) and is long-term. Letting go of control To cope with my pain, I kept part of me kept closed off, in order to stay safe. On the other hand, this also cut me off from being able to find joy in life. I was in a constant state of defence, sometimes known as 'fight or flight' mode. This constant state of stress was protecting me from getting better. In order to heal on a fuller and deeper scale, I needed to let down my walls. I understood what I should to do, but I’m stubborn. To be that vulnerable was scary. Not because I didn’t trust the people in my life, but because it meant letting go of my control. Staying in control is what kept me safe, or so I thought. Spelling it out: PTSD Reaching out for help After trying many different approaches and having discussions with my therapist and husband, we decided that sexual submission might be good for me. It would be a way to get me out of my comfort zone and let go of control in a safe and consensual environment. But my husband wasn’t into domination to that extent, so I began looking elsewhere. Since my husband and I are polyamorous (meaning we are in an open relationship), I ended up finding a Dom that I met through networking with others. We began talking, and soon, I was submitting to him full time. My Dom focuses on helping his submissive partners become better versions of themselves. His focus for me was about helping me be the best mom, wife, and friend I could be. While at the same time, helping me to find joy and success in life. My Dom's focus was to help me find the happiness I was missing. To help me overcome my reliance on external things for happiness. He helped me to find the inner happiness I couldn't find through all the external things I'd acquired. My Dom helped me relearn how to find internal happiness. BDSM submission as a tool Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace. I found a more fulfilling way to love, that inner happiness I was searching for all those years. Finally, I found joy. And all through BDSM submission. By using it as a tool to heal. In handing over my control to him, I allowed myself to trust others. This external trust is what led to my growth and healing. My Dom created a safe space for me to deal with my trauma— both physically and emotionally. He helped me re-contextualize the horrible memories I had. “Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace.” Creating new memories and contexts for the old hurtful ones was only possible through having this safe space. It wouldn’t have been possible without handing over my control to him. Complete submission meant I could get out of my head and allow someone else to take the lead. To help me process and heal. So that, in the end, I could find happiness and learn to trust in others again. This also gave me power. I was choosing to give my control to someone else. This turned things around. It became my choice to allow my Dom to be in control. Submission is a choice. It's never forced, and that is the difference between my past and now. My first steps toward happiness Taking the initial steps wasn’t easy, though. While my husband was supportive, I received a lot of judgment from someone close to me at the time. And criticism came from all around. A lot of people challenged my political beliefs. They told me I wasn’t a feminist anymore. Many claimed that what I was doing wasn’t safe. Mostly because they didn't understand what it was that we were doing. People told me that I wasn’t as powerful if I submitted. And I almost listened. I almost gave in and ran the other way. Overcoming things that certain people said was a big part of what I had to do. I also had to deal with my own self-judgment which came after. Which is often harsher than any external criticism. There were judgements coming at me from all angles. In the end, part of me finding happiness meant accepting who I am fully. A big part of who I am that brings me inner happiness, is as a submissive to my Dom. BDSM submission taught me to let go in a way that I couldn't before. It helped me to release trauma and pain so I could replace it with joy and pleasure. Submission changed my life in many positive and healing ways. It brought me the happiness I sought for so long. Submission allowed me to look inward instead of outward for my joy. I no longer fear the darkness inside me. It’s safe to look inside myself. Through BDSM submission, I’ve learned to be a more supportive and loving wife, a better mom, and a true friend. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.
  8. When Princess E started accepting her kinks and desires through exploring her sexual journey, she was well on her way to discovering her inner happiness. As long as I can remember I've had a longing, an appetite for the darkness, for 'forbidden fruit' and the so-called bad. Maybe that's why I got into so much trouble growing up. I met shady guys who took advantage of me and became more and more destructive, until I realized that I didn't even knew who I was anymore. My journey to accepting my sexuality might be dark, but it ended with such a wonderful thing. I was jumping between men, hoping to find something I was longing for, needing, actually. Someone who as good at giving me spankings as well as giving me sweet kisses. Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed – what I was begging for, I just jumped on the next guy. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with doing that if that's your thing, but for me, it only broke me down even more. Until one day, it just clicked. The day when my fiancé came into the picture everything changed. He saw me – through my body – past all the walls that I'd built up. He saw that little girl and nurtured her, took care of her. And that was probably where our fetish for DDlg started – without us even knowing. “Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed, I just jumped on the next guy.” Mr. B, as I call him, knows the exact amount of comforting that is needed after a rough night in bed. He understands, and views it as a privilege, that I'm his sub. That I chose to submit only to him. I'd been in the BDSM lifestyle for a while before I met Mr. B. Even still, I never totally understood what aftercare meant until I met him. For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person. Some say that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. For me, it's the exact opposite. Someone loving me has made me look at myself in a different way. And now I'm empowered. I'm strong. And I'm proud of my sexuality. My sexual journey: accepting my kinks At the very beginning of my sexual journey I knew I liked things hard; the 'forbidden fruit' of the bedroom. But I didn't really experiment with it. It was the same thing every time: being tied up, spanked, whipped and once in a while, a slap on the cheek. I liked it, but I didn't really feel satisfied, not completely satisfied. Then I met my fiancé. We lived on different continents and therefore sex became a lot more verbal. We experimented, and still do to this day, without our bodies even touching. Somewhere along the way, I started sorting out what my kinks were, and which were not. Finding our groove... and fetish When we finally met for the first time, after a long period of long-distance dirty talk and sex-cam action, a new journey started – the physical journey. Not until we were secure in our knowledge of each other's bodies and minds did we feel that we were ready to take the next step: master/slave. We made a contract and everything. But we, especially Mr. B, felt a little intimidated by it, like it was too much of a commitment to drop the role-playing and live like this 24/7. In the middle of the situation my fiancé took the infamous 'BDSM test'. “For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person.” I was laying in bed, minding my own business, when he started poking me with his finger. "You've gotta read this!" It was about Daddy Dom/little girl. I read it and halfway through it was like everything was suddenly clear. This! This is what we are. This is what we already live 24/7. From the beginning, I was totally terrified. Fetishes like that are so misconstrued. But the more we talked about it, the more we realized that it wasn't that much of a choice. It's just who we were, we'd started living it freely, naturally. Delicious, forbidden fruit Today I've let my princess side out more and more, which I hid earlier by wearing tom boy clothes and not acting girly at all. That princess in me has come out and is free, and now I'm so happy. It wasn't that much to overcome. It was more like poking at it a bit to come out and play. And if there's one kink that makes you feel complete, makes you feel satisfied in more than the sexual aspect, go for it. After accepting my sexuality I feel free, happy and unstoppable. ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Princess E Princess E is a Swedish freelancer who focuses on DDlg, which she's living 24/7. Most of her writings are based on her experiences with her Daddy; Mr. B. Runs a blog and can be found on Twitter.
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