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Finding happiness isn't always as simple as opening a box labeled joy. Some people find it in the most unexpected places, like BDSM submission. Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her personal journey of overcoming a troubled past and finding her inner peace... What is happiness? It doesn’t come in a neat little package titled, “open me for joy”. So, I had no idea how to find it. As with many girls I knew growing up, my thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence. Happiness, according to everything I knew at this time, came in the form of having things that other people could see. Happiness was external. Yet as I got older and achieved these goals, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. And this was confusing. My whole life I heard that if I had these things, followed this plan, then everything would be OK. That I would be happy. So I got those things, followed that plan and was most definitely not happy! While I loved my husband dearly and adored my children, the problem was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere. Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realized this whole time that I had looked outwards for happiness when I should have been looking inwards. But for me, looking inwards caused a problem... inside, I was an emotional mess. “My thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence.” Many years ago I’d experienced a lot of trauma and my inside was not such a happy place. Certainly, not somewhere I'd look for happiness anyway. While in therapy I actively began to deal with my diagnosis of Complex PTSD. We've all heard of soldiers coming back with PTSD, but Complex PTSD is a bit different. It generally starts earlier in life but not always. It's a trauma brought on in the form of a power dynamic struggle between the sufferer from a caregiver (or other interpersonal relationship) and is long-term. Letting go of control To cope with my pain, I kept part of me kept closed off, in order to stay safe. On the other hand, this also cut me off from being able to find joy in life. I was in a constant state of defence, sometimes known as 'fight or flight' mode. This constant state of stress was protecting me from getting better. In order to heal on a fuller and deeper scale, I needed to let down my walls. I understood what I should to do, but I’m stubborn. To be that vulnerable was scary. Not because I didn’t trust the people in my life, but because it meant letting go of my control. Staying in control is what kept me safe, or so I thought. Spelling it out: PTSD Reaching out for help After trying many different approaches and having discussions with my therapist and husband, we decided that sexual submission might be good for me. It would be a way to get me out of my comfort zone and let go of control in a safe and consensual environment. But my husband wasn’t into domination to that extent, so I began looking elsewhere. Since my husband and I are polyamorous (meaning we are in an open relationship), I ended up finding a Dom that I met through networking with others. We began talking, and soon, I was submitting to him full time. My Dom focuses on helping his submissive partners become better versions of themselves. His focus for me was about helping me be the best mom, wife, and friend I could be. While at the same time, helping me to find joy and success in life. My Dom's focus was to help me find the happiness I was missing. To help me overcome my reliance on external things for happiness. He helped me to find the inner happiness I couldn't find through all the external things I'd acquired. My Dom helped me relearn how to find internal happiness. BDSM submission as a tool Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace. I found a more fulfilling way to love, that inner happiness I was searching for all those years. Finally, I found joy. And all through BDSM submission. By using it as a tool to heal. In handing over my control to him, I allowed myself to trust others. This external trust is what led to my growth and healing. My Dom created a safe space for me to deal with my trauma— both physically and emotionally. He helped me re-contextualize the horrible memories I had. “Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace.” Creating new memories and contexts for the old hurtful ones was only possible through having this safe space. It wouldn’t have been possible without handing over my control to him. Complete submission meant I could get out of my head and allow someone else to take the lead. To help me process and heal. So that, in the end, I could find happiness and learn to trust in others again. This also gave me power. I was choosing to give my control to someone else. This turned things around. It became my choice to allow my Dom to be in control. Submission is a choice. It's never forced, and that is the difference between my past and now. My first steps toward happiness Taking the initial steps wasn’t easy, though. While my husband was supportive, I received a lot of judgment from someone close to me at the time. And criticism came from all around. A lot of people challenged my political beliefs. They told me I wasn’t a feminist anymore. Many claimed that what I was doing wasn’t safe. Mostly because they didn't understand what it was that we were doing. People told me that I wasn’t as powerful if I submitted. And I almost listened. I almost gave in and ran the other way. Overcoming things that certain people said was a big part of what I had to do. I also had to deal with my own self-judgment which came after. Which is often harsher than any external criticism. There were judgements coming at me from all angles. In the end, part of me finding happiness meant accepting who I am fully. A big part of who I am that brings me inner happiness, is as a submissive to my Dom. BDSM submission taught me to let go in a way that I couldn't before. It helped me to release trauma and pain so I could replace it with joy and pleasure. Submission changed my life in many positive and healing ways. It brought me the happiness I sought for so long. Submission allowed me to look inward instead of outward for my joy. I no longer fear the darkness inside me. It’s safe to look inside myself. Through BDSM submission, I’ve learned to be a more supportive and loving wife, a better mom, and a true friend. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

My Sexual Journey Has Taught Me Many Things Sexuality is not a black and white field. It's an abstract painting in thousands of colors. The search for happiness can sometimes lead us to places we never thought possible. This personal story of a little's sexual journey reveals a fantastic adventure in acceptance and happiness... At the beginning of my sexual journey, I knew I liked it hard and forbidden. But I didn't really experiment with it, it was the same things all the time, tying up, spanking, whipping and once in a while a slap on the cheek. I liked it but I didn't really feel satisfied, like completely satisfied. Then I met my fiancé. We'd lived on different continents and therefore the sex became a lot more verbal. We experimented and still experiment so much without or bodies even touching. Somewhere there I started sorting out what my kinks were, and which were not. When we finally met for the first time after a long time just dirty talking and sex video-caming a new kind of sexual journey started. The physical. Not until we were pretty good at each other's bodies, each other's minds we felt we were ready to take the next step. Master/slave. We made a contract and all, but we, especially he, felt a little intimidated by it, like it was too much of a commitment to drop the role-playing and live like this 24/7. In the middle of this situation my fiancé took a BDSM test, you know those that everyone is referring to on fetish communities, I was laying in bed minding my own business when he started poking me with his finger. "You've gotta read this!". It was about Daddy dom/ little girl. I read it and halfway through it was like everything got clear. This! This is what we "are". This is what we already live 24/7. Accepting our kinks From the beginning, I was totally terrified. Fetishes like that are so misconceived. But the more we talked about it and the more we realized that it wasn't that much of a choice, it's just who we are, we started living it freely. Today I feel like a little, really feel like it. I've let my princess side out more and more, which I earlier hid with tom boy clothes and not acting girly at all. Today I've let that princess in me come out and be free and I'm so happy. It wasn't that much of an acceptance, it was rather a poking it a little bit to come out and play. And the one kink that makes you feel complete, satisfied in more than the sexual aspect, go for it. I feel free, happy and unstoppable. Written by Princess EPrincess E is a Swedish freelancer who focuses on DDlg, which she's living 24/7. Most of her writings are based on her experiences with her Daddy; Mr. B. Runs a blog and can be found on Twitter.