Moderator Popular Post Tine Posted October 1, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Posted October 1, 2019 This week's topic is "Stressful Communications: Interpersonal Mindfulness". As the different types of formal practices are discussed already in the earlier week, where you are also welcome to share this week's experiences with them, this weeks forum entry is about the informal practice, the communication calendar. As we practise applying the skills we are learning in this course to our everyday lives; we are cultivating our natural capacities to be more flexible and to recover more quickly during challenging interpersonal situations. As we grow our awareness of emotions, we may better understand the messages we are sending to others and receiving from others and the barriers to being with ourselves and others in heartfelt and authentic ways. “Once you can communicate with yourself, you’ll be able to communicate outwardly with more clarity.” Thich Nhat Hanh Psychological stress arises from the interaction between us and the world, so we need to take responsibility for our part in relationships with people who “cause us stress” By this, we mean taking responsibility for our perceptions, thoughts, emotions and behaviours. If we react unconsciously when we are having a problem with another person, just as with other forms of stress, this usually makes matters worse in the long run. One of the most useful insights was reading myself when I was about to shut down in a conversation. These days I feel my chest getting tighter, and I become aware that I am no longer listening with an open heart but that I start feeling attacked and I am putting my armour up which will not allow the conversation to come to a satisfying result as I do not hear the other person anymore. Depending on the situation I might take a deep breath and open up again, or I'll explain that I am closing up and need a pause, sometimes I'll excuse myself to the bathroom for a bit to reconsider. If I get to walk the dog for an hour through the forest that's best but that's not always possible. It can also be helpful to repeat what I understood that the other person said in my own words, so we are both sure to talk about the same thing. This shows the other person I am listening and gives us both a chance to be clear about what we are talking about to avoid misunderstandings and assumptions. Have you noticed any changes in how you are communicating with people since you started this course? What have you noticed?
Members Popular Post KK**** Posted January 2, 2020 Members Popular Post Posted January 2, 2020 I’ve definitely noticed that my listening style has changed since starting this course about 7 weeks ago (I’m a week delayed), and then when I came across the Lili Powell article in the supplementary materials (https://www.mindful.org/can-we-talk/) I had a huge “a-ha” moment. I was sitting down to lunch with my step-daughter earlier this week, she is going through a tough time with a divorce, and as I was listening to her talk, even though there were probably 100 times I could have piped in with some piece of advice, or a story of my own, I waited. I listened, openly, and let her talk. I noticed I was sitting with my hands on the table, my feet firmly on the floor, and I just let her talk and talk and talk. And even though I didn’t say very much, she later told her father that it was one of the best conversations we’d ever had. We really connected in that moment. I felt the imaginary circle I had drawn around us - even though I hadn’t even read the Powell article until today. I “fully arrived” to that conversation. I understand the difference. I feel awakened somehow.
Moderator Tine Posted January 3, 2020 Author Moderator Posted January 3, 2020 18 hours ago, KKPinkowski said: We really connected in that moment. @KKPinkowski Thank you for sharing that. I used to think the connection comes from interaction, but it is rooted in presence, and that presence doesn't need words to unfold. What a beautiful moment for you both. You gave her the gift of really being seen and heard.
Members Bo**** Posted January 12, 2020 Members Posted January 12, 2020 So I've noticed I listen better. I listen to understand the person rather than find what I'm going to say next. I still use old habits of not completely listening sometimes. But then I catch myself and just direct my mind to hear the person. Much like I focus on the breath when my mind wanders in meditations. So this week taught me valuable skills.
Members jo**** Posted February 12, 2020 Members Posted February 12, 2020 I could share a lot of things, but I feel the need to start with what seems more prominent in my life these last few years, and I welcome all insights. Sometimes it feels as if my growth, on which I've always diligently worked at, has led to me being able to 'provide' in ways of being a good & genuine listener, for example, but not having the thoughtfulness reciprocated, I find myself dealing with anger, and wondering what I receive for all my work other than helping my fellow man. It can feel lonely... That said, I am benefitting from this week's practices & readings, of course, and I hope always to continue learning & growing. It just seems, in my world, that benefitting from mutual relationships is extremely evasive. Any thoughts/sharings of your own?
Moderator Tine Posted February 12, 2020 Author Moderator Posted February 12, 2020 @jolaine what you wrote brought up an old story that I think of often: In a group sitting with a zen monk many years ago, another participant asked how to get his friend to grow. He can see so many patterns where his friend has potential where he could overcome self-made obstacles and move forward. Sometimes he just wants to shake him. The monk answered: "All you can do is work on yourself and your ability to hold space for others to grow. When and how they grow is up to them alone. All you can do is work on yourself and hold space for the ones around you." This story is soothing, but I also sometimes feel the loneliness you referred to, and it's in the story as well. I guess that's why a shanga of some sort - even online here on happiness.com - is so essential for us - to recharge, connect, exchange, open up about our struggles and learn.
Members jo**** Posted February 13, 2020 Members Posted February 13, 2020 Guess I'll be looking up 'shanga' ;-) Thanks for sharing, Tine.
Members jo**** Posted February 13, 2020 Members Posted February 13, 2020 Aha! A buddhist community... I appreciate Buddha's teachings & find him to be a very important philosopher, however, I stay away from all religion. I'm just a human on her journey.
Moderator Tine Posted February 13, 2020 Author Moderator Posted February 13, 2020 @jolaine I can relate ? I am entirely comfortable replacing "shanga of some sort" with "community" - maybe "supportive community."
Members Ud**** Posted February 25, 2020 Members Posted February 25, 2020 It seems that the course is so well timed with what’s going on in my life. This last week or so (I’m moving through the course slowly) has been filled with challenging interactions and a gratefulness for the resources. I mentioned at the beginning not liking being told what to do and having somewhat of an aversion to guided meditations, but I actually enjoyed them this week. I did the lake one first and was so happy to be told to lie down for the practice. The imagery of nature is something I related to the most so I appreciated the guidance and appreciated that there was only guidance for half the mediation and there was quiet space to observe at the end. I was a little disappointed to not be given the option to lie down for the mountain meditation but it made sense considering the nature of the meditation. I especially found it helpful when my sister called to vent about her frustrating experience with Centrelink (our welfare system in Australia). Even though I had suggestions it would have been pointless to any anything until she had finished because she needed to be heard and to have the chance to let everything out, so I listened and told her I could hear and understand how frustrated she was and when she had finished totalling I made 1 suggestion which she thought made sense. While I was listening I was imaging the mountain with passing seasons and just watching them and I really did observe my sister go from frustration to exhaustion and then a kind of calm in having been heard. I find one on one conversations easier than group conversations as everyone seems so quick to throw in their opinion or knowledge and I never seem to find the right space to enter the conversation. Sometimes I retreat that as I think that I could have shared something useful and other times I just sit back and save my energy and realise that it’s not that important. Focusing on communication has been a good practice this week to observe my reactions and responses internally rather than acting out external responses. The focus on what is being said has also helped me to hear what is underneath what people are actually saying
Moderator Tine Posted February 25, 2020 Author Moderator Posted February 25, 2020 After this part of the course, I started working on my communication style. I now try to listen until the person venting asks me for feedback or some advice. More importantly, I also very clearly feel that sometimes I want to talk about what is happening and not get suggestions on how to solve something. With more awareness, I realize that I do not feel taken seriously because while it's well-meaning, I think it's rare that someone knows and understands the situation much better and has the one great tip that I have overseen. Even if it is like that unless I am asking for help, feedback, suggestions, I am not ready to listen to them. As a result, I find myself in the even more draining position having to justify why things are the way they are, which makes me feel even more down and less open to suggestions. Experiencing this from my perspective it makes it much easier for me to listen patiently and wholeheartedly. Often the speaker sees a possible solution or switches their perspective while talking out loud. Our thoughts can lure us into the feeling that they are true while they are just assumptions, and when we speak to someone else, we can easier become aware of that.
Members CR**** Posted February 28, 2020 Members Posted February 28, 2020 I have really felt the usefulness of this practice this last week. I have 3 small boys and have been feeling unwell, meaning my emotional state has been quite irregular. To be able to stop, sit with the uncomfortable feelings, and then allow myself to respond, has been an eye opener; rather than just reacting. And, of course, there were the times when I didn't STOP- also good learning opportunities.
Members Popular Post Ri**** Posted March 1, 2020 Members Popular Post Posted March 1, 2020 This particular part of the course is helping me with my patients. Not only how I work with them, but how they can learn about their communication as well. We spent a week doing our groups all on communication exercises.
Members Popular Post wa**** Posted March 5, 2020 Members Popular Post Posted March 5, 2020 There is this person who always come to me during my quiet moments. He talks a lot, but I don't really understand what he says. Hence I always try to be just a listener and appreciates what he has to say. As moments passed by, I started to grasp the meaning of his words. Eventually I became a good listener, staying to the moment and not loosing of what he had said. He is.. my body. Have you missed listening to your body? ?
Members No**** Posted March 5, 2020 Members Posted March 5, 2020 7 hours ago, waihong said: There is this person who always come to me during my quiet moments. He talks a lot, but I don't really understand what he says. Hence I always try to be just a listener and appreciates what he has to say. As moments passed by, I started to grasp the meaning of his words. Eventually I became a good listener, staying to the moment and not loosing of what he had said. He is.. my body. Have you missed listening to your body? ? Your Felt Sense waihong
Members wa**** Posted March 10, 2020 Members Posted March 10, 2020 On 3/6/2020 at 5:05 AM, NowHereaIsOlly said: Your Felt Sense waihong Yup, it sure is.
Members hd**** Posted April 8, 2020 Members Posted April 8, 2020 The Sacred Art of Listening - Tara Brach I found this so profound. Stunned.
Members Te**** Posted June 8, 2020 Members Posted June 8, 2020 I have learned about being mindful in communication, after doing this course. The other day I was with a friend, discussing on youth entrepreneurship in our town. As we go on exchanging views, I just realized that I had used the word 'Negative' while referring to our youth shortcomings. There and then, I felt uncomfortable that I used the word 'Negative' which wasn't right and it also brings in negativity into our discussion. I'm grateful that I have become aware of what I speak out and I have again reaffirmed that i will listen attentively to what the other person had to say without any impatient and hurry to reply. I must be mindful of what word I use while speaking to others.
Members Popular Post Te**** Posted June 8, 2020 Members Popular Post Posted June 8, 2020 On 3/5/2020 at 7:25 PM, waihong said: There is this person who always come to me during my quiet moments. He talks a lot, but I don't really understand what he says. Hence I always try to be just a listener and appreciates what he has to say. As moments passed by, I started to grasp the meaning of his words. Eventually I became a good listener, staying to the moment and not loosing of what he had said. He is.. my body. Have you missed listening to your body? ? Dear friend, your sharing had given me a profound insight on being becoming awareness of our mind to our body. I love this. thank you for sharing this analogy.
Moderator Tine Posted June 8, 2020 Author Moderator Posted June 8, 2020 @Temjen This is beautiful, mindfulness in action. It doesn't always work and yet each time we are aware and manage to execute the freedom do choose our response we add to a better world for everyone.
Members Popular Post wa**** Posted June 13, 2020 Members Popular Post Posted June 13, 2020 On 6/8/2020 at 10:35 PM, Tine said: @Temjen This is beautiful, mindfulness in action. It doesn't always work and yet each time we are aware and manage to execute the freedom do choose our response we add to a better world for everyone. Well said! That's exactly what Awakening is about.. just that the options are now unrestrained. Hence the freedom is unbounded.
Members mr**** Posted July 9, 2020 Members Posted July 9, 2020 Since starting mindfulness I can listen to others. Really listen. Not perfect but better. Also, as somebody else noted, I can listen to myself. My mind and body. I may still get an amygdala hijack but I can put out that forest fire pretty quick. Love the course and am delighted for the opportunity. Mike
Members de**** Posted November 2, 2020 Members Posted November 2, 2020 Sooo true - you can be sitting there and thinking of the answers in your head that you have actually zoned out and now you are thinking about your own experiences!! Since doing the Mindfulness Course I have got better at listening, I mean really listening. It is bizarre how everything becomes habitual and how we just go through the motions. Sometimes when someone is talking they don't want you to figure out their life for them they just want you to listen. When you stop and listen you learn so much more about the person or the situation in front of you. You can only change yourself but you can listen to others. Really enjoying this course - thank you!
Moderator Tine Posted November 3, 2020 Author Moderator Posted November 3, 2020 21 hours ago, deboflan said: You can only change yourself but you can listen to others. This is beautiful! I remember a zen monk who told us "You can not change another person but you can hold a safe space for them to grow" That pretty much the same that you wrote.
Members de**** Posted November 5, 2020 Members Posted November 5, 2020 yes I love that its pretty much what a zen monk wrote - I think we under estimate the power of listening its such a beautiful thing the monk said 'you can hold a safe space for them to grow'
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