PTSD and Grief

[He****]

The one thing I want everyone to know about me…

 

I lost my husband unexpectedly in May of last year and became homeless within hours of his passing. I found out 90 days later that my husband had been abusing meth when I finally got the tox report. They called it a toxic mix of meth, fentanyl, gabapentin and cyclobenzaprine. 
 

I had not idea he was using or abusing meth… when I’d ask him why he was acting the way he was (on the rare occasions that I saw signs and symptoms) he would blame it on his PTSD from his time in the Marine Corps. 
 

It has been almost a year… next month… and that alone scares me. But I have been in survival mode since he’s passed which causes nothing but more problems because I cannot fully focus on anything in my life while also throwing on this heavy burden of grief and PTSD that no one seems to truly understand.

 

Life moves on whether we’re ready or able to keep walking with it. So everyday is still a struggle, one foot in front of the other is still difficult even a year later. 
 

I’m here to be surrounded with people that will support me as I will support them through all of life’s up and downs. 

[Th****]

Were you also in the military?  I'm wondering if you can share where your PTSD came from.

[He****]

I was also in the military, but my PTSD did not come from my time in Army. It came from the death of my husband. Even though I was military myself, I never experienced war. But the night my husband died... I was the one who found him and within hours I found myself homeless. I had never been in life or death situation; never had to call 911. The fact that he passed so quickly... From being a relatively healthy 40 year old male (11 days past his 40th birthday) to gone in an instant is part of the trauma I am experiencing. He seemed like Superman to everyone that knew him, invincible; a presence that was so big it would never just be "gone". 

 

When I close my eyes every night, the night that he passed flashes through my brain and I can't sleep. Reliving the moments before, during and after his passing... The What If's and If I Had Known's plague me every day. The loss of someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with...

 

And then, add on the trauma of finding myself homeless with 3 dogs within hours of his passing... they pronounced his time of death at just before 11PM on a Saturday and by 4AM that same Saturday I was homeless with only our car and 3 dogs.. All of my family are in California and I am in Texas.. and alone now. A veteran non profit org helped me, put me up into a hotel but it was in a very seedy part of the city I live in. And although I am grateful that I was not truly ever "on the streets", I never felt safe and my only goal was to get out of there as quickly as possible. I have been in survival mode since the day he died. I am now in my own apartment, thanks to the help of that veteran non profit org, but being in survival mode and the grief of my loss being so heavy.. I have found myself overwhelmed into complacency. Not wanting to leave this earth but feeling like I can't succeed on my own, like I can't succeed without him, like I can't succeed in the face of this overwhelming and all consuming grief that I have not been able to fully process and give it the time it needs for me to be able to start to heal from the loss and everything I've experienced as a result of it. 

 

I hope this helps explain a little more where the trauma comes from, and please forgive me if any of that sounded as if I was upset by the question, because I am not. I appreciate the question and wanted only to explain where it comes from.

[Th****]

What merciless circumstances.  It's hard to imagine how painful that must have been, to be denied even the opportunity to grieve your sudden loss.

 

I've also experienced sudden and inexplicable loss, and one point that must be addressed is acknowledging the death.  For most of the time that you've known him, you've been concerning yourself with your husband's life and happiness.  Those intentions are like a river;  when they have somewhere to go, they flow all the way to the ocean in an endless cycle.  But if they keep flowing toward where there's nowhere for them to go, they'll back up and cause flooding, destruction, and stagnation.

 

When your husband died, his ability to receive your intentions was lost.  Your river is backing up all the way to its source, and you're drowning in it.  Your husband is now beyond earthly concern.  Nothing you do can harm or help him.  You are not keeping him alive by sending your good intentions his way.  There are no more "what ifs" or "if onlys".  There is no betrayal in saying goodbye.  The universe isn't going to be nice and give him back.

 

If you're the kind of person whose affection overflows and doesn't easily turn off, then maybe you need to redirect it toward a living concern instead, like your dogs or volunteer work, or yourself.  You're still alive, and it's unfair for your living body if you chain it to a dead one.  You need self-affection as well.

[se****]

Hi, I can feel the sincerity in your voice, 
What's your favorite drink or sports team? 

[He****]

That makes me sad to hear that! 😔 But I am not surprised you can sense that, even through text. But, I guess I would say coffee is my favorite drink!

Edited April 27 by HeatherZ

[se****]

With or without sugar?

[He****]

@seller without sugar 😄

[se****]

How often do you drink this drink during the day? 

[He****]

@seller oh wayyyy too much, probably! Lol it’s my go to drink regardless of the season. 

[Gr****]

I lost my ex husband, the father of my four children, may 11th of last year. I’m the only one who knows that it wasn’t accidental, if you know what I mean. And that kills me. My kids range from 6-17 so they are all different and I don’t know how to heal them. Or even heal me. We had been divorced 5 years but still close. I was his fixer for everything. He was remarried but separated from her and dating someone else, lol yes I know it’s a mess. But the day before it happened he called me and talked to my husband and asked if he could live in our camper and work with him and get back on his feet. We agreed. He texted at about 1am that he got his check and would see us soon. The next morning he didn’t show but I assumed the on again off again girl and him were working things out. Until she called me around 10 am saying he wouldn’t answer the door but she wouldn’t go in or call for help. Called his mom she wouldn’t either not would his brother. I called the cops from 300 miles away. I don’t know what happened in the time he text me to the time they found him. That changed so drastically. He was upset about the girl but didn’t seem like he would hurt himself. I said he would be ok and go wash your face, I’ll see you tomorrow, we will fix this. Fml. Why don’t I know???! The initial report said he was naked in bed no drugs no alcohol no phone no wallet….. the ex girlfriend immediately left the state. His phone and wallet was never found. The police report was COMPLETELY different. Said he left a note, it was his hand writing. Said he was sorry. Said they found him in the closet, not naked, still no phone no wallet, there was alcohol and drugs they said.
Door was locked from inside. Car in the driveway. Found him in a trailer house closet, hung with a power cord, how does that happen? He could stand up??? I just don’t get it. His mom
Says let him rest in peace and stop digging for answers, it’s black and white. But it isnt!!! At all. He was so close to his son Landyn, well all of them but Landyn is autistic and he wouldn’t do that to him. I will never ever accept it or understand. His new wife and mom immediately cremated him, no funeral no respects, nothing. He’s just gone and I can’t accept it and the kids definitely can’t. And I’m struggling sooo much. I can’t make it make sense. I can’t fix it for the kids. Nothing adds up and we’re broken. I quit working. Quit everything basically. I’ve been in bed for a year. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this. Any help is appreciated.

[su****]

Am 7.5.2023 at 03:18, schrieb GrievingMom:

I lost my ex husband

Sorry for your loss.
His life was a mess, just like you said. Maybe he regretted his decisions and didn't want to live the life he ended up in.

Yes it's sad, he deserved more respect from his family and you and the children will miss him.

But since you can't change what happend, the only way is to move on and to make the best of what you've got.

So my way would be to focus on your work and your children and create a beautiful life for the people who are still with you.