Search the Community

Hi, Fizzy, I’ve struggled my entire life trying to fit in. My social skills have never been that great, but I’ve learned it’s best to be me and not try to be anyone else. The best thing is to find people who have similar interests as you or who have things in common with. Stay close to any family you have who support you and just nurture your relationships. You are okay just as you are! Susan

That's great! When I wrote a poem for my engagement, I didn't really use a regular routine. I just kept in mind the last part I needed to find something to rhyme with for. So I could think about it in every free minute until I finally found something good. And then I wrote it down and continued. I feel like pressure is bad for creativity. When you plan to write a bigger story, I think backwards engineering could be a good way. In an analysis you try to extract things like a relationship tree,the characters' profiles and so on. So when writing, you could start with designing the characters, their properties, their relationships and then start writing the story, trying to imagine how each character would react in different situations. It really sounds like fun

Tjanks for youd replies everyone I do not come across on the outside as sad. I'm just sad inside. In fact if people knew that I felt lonely they would think I was the last person who felt this way. And i do lòok after myself I hike everyday meditate and have hobbies bug I believe that humans need connection and community to stay mentally healthy we are social animals and that's what I am lacking despite putting in a lot of effort. It's painful when I hear others have their little groups and I am constantly on the outside. It seems very high-schoolish and r surprised that this kind of thing still exists in our 60s. I am feeling that I have to accept that I won't have those close relationships but wondered if others had this experience and although I do appreciate the advice, believe me, I have pursued and still do carry out self exploration different tactics and self preservation. Regards

Really great advice for everyone, and like you say, applicable to more in life than relationships 👏 This morning I came across something called 'Simple Formula for Living' that I think could be interesting to repeat here

Yeah, I think so too. There are a couple of common problems, misunderstandings and useful tips. Not only for relationships but for life too. Here are some of mine: - Care about yourself. It's important to make yourself feel good. Learn, what you like, think about what kind of person you would like to be. You can't be the person of your dreams instantly, but you can become that person step by step. It's about the way you treat others, your hobbies, the stuff you buy/make and much more. When you can take care of yourself, you are more independent and you can be strong for your partner in case he/she needs it. - Accept that nobody's perfect. Once you accept, everyone's just human, you can forgive your own imperfections and maybe even treat them with humor. And you can be yourself without trying to appear better than you really are. Other people have imperfections too, no matter how perfect they might appear. When you accept that, you will feel much better about yourself and you can understand a partner's insecurities and be careful about them. And you can stop looking for Mr. Perfect / Mrs. Perfect and start looking for someone who accpepts your imperfections.

We need to understand that there are fundamental issue we all new to know and work on with it in our daily human endeavor, major steps need to be understood if you want a good and stable relationship.

I was going through the most difficult times in my life. I split with my partner of 11 years and my best friend died in a car accident around the same time. There was lots of other things that happened too but it’s too much too explain. Anyway I’ve not had an easy life and instead of healing I chose drink and drugs and toxic relationships throughout my life. I came close to suicide a lot in my life and had so many near death experiences. It got to a point where drink and drugs weren’t helping anymore and I’d lost everyone I cared about. I stopped drinking as much and sat with my feelings and thoughts and began to heal. I had a spiritual awakening for the first time ever in my life. My guardian angels and God which by the way I was never sure I truly believed in him but he spoke and said I had another chance in life to make my self better and other people. My spiritual awakening made me more caring, empathetic, loving and non judgmental. I saw through my third eye I’m a starsseed a lightworker I’m supposed to be here it’s my destiny to help others heal and set them on there own spiritual journey to find there own soul path. I’m now 11 days sober and feeling a lot more positive and calmer about life. I would love to help anyone that’s in need even just a friend or someone to vent to. Anything at all please don’t hesitate to contact me. I will never judge you or tell anyone your privacy remains with me. I’m reaching out as I know how I suffered on my own and I wished I had someone to reach out to myself at times.

Lower distrust in relationships with your peers and do not play safe. Do not have a self-label that seperates you from others, instead have a label that connects you with others.

Why not both? Relationships with a friendship base are the best.

Friendship or relationship?

I doubt that there's a general answer to that. Different people have different needs. Not only that - needs also change over time. Your question is still important as it's something we need to know about ourselves so we can be open about our needs with our partner(s). That at this moment as a person to whom physical contact is very important long distance relationships won't work for you is totally fine - it doesn't have to be the same for others though.

Take me for instance, I come from a well off family, went to university and got 2 degrees from my time there! But something in me couldn’t bare going into the corporate world give my whole life to that! I found that I would eventually be miserable if I don’t do something different. So I said to myself; how about I take a few years to myself, with no eventual savings, or anything that would give me security outside me being a living soul and seeing if I could survive. So I pack the little clothes I could, and left everything behind, from friends, family to romantic relationships, I mean everything including all my life accomplishments. And I went away to figure out if I could make a life without conforming to the norm. And to cut the long story short, it was the best thing I have ever done, and i did this at 26 years old, and I’m now 30 years and I can’t imagine a life with the blended masses. I am completely content with knowledge, and I love quiet and boredom doesn’t exist to me, because nature has become my world and it’s educational to my benefit and also, I find peace in learning.. and having the right desires that have pushed me to be healthy in my thoughts and even down to my actions and things that excite me are simply eating vegetables, water, learning to grow myself even more into inner peace and inner satisfaction … I then challenged myself back into the normal world, reconnect with my family and the ways of this world to see if I can bring my world into this way of life, but wow all of it is loud and it really tastes bitter to my inner being, from the conversations people like to talk about, it’s all draining and full of problems and strife or meaningless things like Instagram and tik toks that I find boring… I allowed myself to watch Netflix with family but most of it promotes greed, lust and sexual desires that take us away from truly being. Obviously I’ve left out so much.. but maybe that can give you a more insight to why I think the way I do. So I’m really struggling to remain in this way, and my family are so attached and holding on to me so much that, I hate to hurt their feelings and go live next to the beach and mountains away from the city by myself but I have this huge craving to never come back this time. So that’s scares me, hence I’ve come on this app. Hoping to meet people to maybe talk about stuff like this, haha so cool to have had you ask the question you asked… Also I find it good for me to finally say it to myself that I’m ready to exist and go live off grid for good. And I haven’t met people who are like minded, in the past I was ok with that. But I think it would be even better if I had a community of people like me around me but better a partner to walk with but apart from that super content … with just me. And don’t get me wrong, a dinner by myself at a cool restaurant, ahhh amazing times at the beach all afternoon, movies at a cinema with a great movie showing like DUNE or something by myself has been wonderful but it’s not my reason for joy. Knowledge is. And when I do get to meet someone and have a conversation after 4 months of no interactions and by that I mean a real intentional conversation , the day I do… it’s very special and I appreciate it more because it’s not something I have placed a great deal of depends on but it has because a mere moment in time… There’s nothing that compares to when everything is quiet and it’s just me and my surroundings, and I’m alone in my thoughts, because of all the knowledge and understanding I’m at my most peace and enjoyment and it’s hard to give that up! Because for me it’s a real reality …

@Gerry Thank you for adding the videos too. Though I read the text the videos recap some important info - it's a bit like the good educator at school who would repeat things at the end for better understanding and remembering. 🙂 I can relate to some aspects but the whole picture of it is truly overwhelming to even imagine. Here's a though I had. Knowing what's going on and educating around it as you do is useful as people have the tendency to make everything about themselves. So if you aren't happy around them they might take that as a sign that you don't like them, they did something wrong or whatever self-critical thoughts humans come up with. Letting go of that might help to ease those relationships.

In connection to my last topic, "To be not neurotypical" I will give you an update. I wrote a blog with over 5000 words and won't translate it manually. This was my first topic: Diagnosis - Dysthymia and APD: what now? sorting and enlightening Important NOTE: I have researched everything to the best of my knowledge and belief and, above all, my own experience has been incorporated. Mental illnesses are as individual as people themselves. I ask you to bear that in mind when reading. I've been reluctant to write a blog about my diagnostic situation lately. The last status for you was that I was looking for a diagnostician. I've written countless emails and also came close to shelling out a lot of money for a private practice. But then a friend came up with “Hey. Look there. Maybe they still have room.” And I also wrote an e-mail there and then waited. A week and I was written to, they called and waited again. Another phone call and then it happened in quick succession. I was immediately given an appointment for the screening and one for the diagnosis and then it was time to wait. I was a total bundle of nerves. As usual for me, I thought everything out. I imagined the worst scenarios. Not about the diagnosis. At least not the actual diagnosis itself. But rather …. that they find nothing and that I remain ignorant. The thought was hell. And at some point the appointment came and unfortunately I had to go there alone, using public transport and was nervous as fuck. And in the end it was all very exhausting. the screening I had to look for the building first. The clinic was huge and the direct route to psychiatric diagnostics was blocked by a construction site (Welcome to Berlin). So I spent 30 minutes looking for it. Luckily I'm so paranoid that I always plan a lot more time for first-time visits. So in the end I was half an hour early. When it was finally my turn, I had to tell almost an hour. And tell. I talked about my childhood, my life, my relationships, jumping back and forth with nervousness. While I lost the thread umpteen times, I watched the psychologist write and write and write and listen. She asked exactly one intermediate question. Then she enlightened me on a thing or two, raised a suspicion that I forgot when I left the room, and basically handed me a laptop on which I had to answer hundreds of questions. The actual screening has started. The questions were strange. Mainly because at first they didn't really match the questions I asked myself. I tried to answer them patiently and then left after three quarters of an hour, totally exhausted. The wait It took 1.5 weeks from the screening to the result. And with each passing day it became somehow harder for me, who is already impatient, to stay patient and strong. Every day I was more exhausted. tired. perplexed? I threw myself into a game, got the job done as best I could, indulged in some beef again. But I wasn't really happy with my overall situation. My husband had to constantly listen to what was going through my head. My friends. Many other people. It helped deflate the head a bit. But the pressure sometimes came back faster than I could talk/write about it. But in the end, and I had to admit it to myself, I had to wait. Whether I like it or not. And then the day came. The diagnosis ... I went with a suspicion (which I will continue to investigate, but only after the move) and this suspicion was ... completely ruled out (I'll get a second opinion there) and I was after I had a few more questions who gave the diagnosis. I suffer from dysthymia (more on that in a moment) and anxious-avoidant personality disorder (AVPD). She tried to explain to me in a very scientific way what it is and my only question was "And this since my earliest childhood?" And she said yes to the dysthymia. My head refused to accept this at first. As I said before, I approached the whole thing with different expectations. After the conversation I went home and talked to my husband. I've exchanged ideas with people a lot and, above all, collected a great deal of information and, now that I've endured the acceptance, I want to start clarifying things immediately. Mainly because I find that important and it also helps me to process things. So let's start with something that hasn't existed since my childhood and that I can even define quite precisely for myself. Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) Anxious-avoidant personality disorder is characterized primarily by the fact that one feels very inhibited, unattractive and inferior and avoids social contacts for fear of (especially negative) criticism or being ridiculed. They often feel incapable of representing their opinion and very often (as with dysthymia) have the problem that they lose themselves even more in these feelings of incompetence because they feel misunderstood. People with AVPD tend to be quiet and withdrawn, even within groups, and they find it very difficult to say no because it could be interpreted negatively. For people with this diagnosis, social contact is very uncomfortable and eye contact is avoided as much as possible in many cases. When social contacts arise, those affected are usually very careful to keep their distance and tend to torment themselves through the conversation. Above all, they often hold back on the flow of speech in (group) discussions. For me it really depends on the topic. The rest I would say, and I have to admit it to myself, actually fits … like Hati's fist on my eye. Self-assessment APD The origin of an APDcannot be fully deduced. There is a lot of speculation that it can also have genetic causes (which would not surprise me at all). In addition, negative influences play a very important role. But I don't want to rattle down Wikipedia or scientific writings. But one thing in advance: APDoccurs in perhaps one percent of the world population and therefore there is very little therapy evidence. Most therapies manage to bring improvement, but do not really reach a normal level of social skills. Now let's really get to the self-assessment. As a child I liked B. still hugs and physical contact. But that decreased slightly early on because I often felt rejected by my own family. So feelings that I have developed. In the course of my youth, that has already changed. I am still “liked” to go away, e.g. E.g. discos, clubs and such, but with as much freedom as possible for me. In the end I would say that many negative experiences have ensured that the APDhas continued to worsen. It has apparently always been there and would probably be easier to treat if I had been diagnosed as a child. I actually still feel the need to go to a club again. But I hate the crowds that are common in Berlin clubs and I would have to get there drunk to have any "fun". Or I would like to go to a pub or bar again. But the discomfort that this disease brings is like an impassable wall. Movie theater. Cinema always works. I'm someone who distances himself because of this illness. This makes people think I'm arrogant or that I'm talking down to them. Mainly because I often avoid eye contact. But there are other reasons for that. If I do something, I want to do it well. I want to prove to myself and (primarily to others) that I can do things. It's a bit... like a compulsion that you can't escape. Especially at work I was often told (after projects or presentations) that I came across as being condescending. But that is never (!) my intention. And I have often tried to work on it. And now I also know why it never really worked out to work on it. While you can at least try to maintain a certain social level in a normal conversation, it's more difficult (for me) with lectures, because you want to present your work, which you've put a lot of time and effort into, and something switches on in the head around. You get more outspoken and often adopt a tone you don't intend and end up being... the arrogant asshole without even realizing it. I've also forced myself to maintain eye contact for years, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. You know that: "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" And so. In addition, society considers it very impolite not to look the other person in the eye. I don't know why, but Corona made me stop forcing myself. I look at someone for a few seconds and then either look past them or pretend to look for something. Or I would do something “important”. Just so people don't see it as rude. I... just don't like it. In the end, the APDexplains a lot in my life. But how do you explain it to other people? And especially those who come up with sentences like “Just socialize more. You'll get used to it." Corrosive. I hate that. And that in combination with what's coming now, it's like winning the lottery. Only … without a payout. Dysthymia - high-functioning depression Similar to APD, this diagnosis is not very common. Around 1.5% of the world's population are diagnosed with it each year. Approximately 3-15% of this is in the USA alone. Depending on when it is recognized, dysthymia is a largely treatment-resistant psychological disorder. Therapy and medication can bring about an improvement, but this is rarely the case and unfortunately a cure is almost impossible (depending on whether you ask a medical specialist or a homeopath). And the most tragic thing about it: it is chronic. But more on that in a moment. In addition, improvement also depends on when it is diagnosed. It's more successful when it's a kid than it is... my age or even later. The symptoms of dysthymia are seen by those affected as "I'm just like that" and also internalized. Correspondingly, pathways are created in the brain that also store this feeling permanently...? There is also evidence (which unfortunately only takes women into account because the disease occurs more frequently in women than in men) that patients with dysthymia have a different form of certain brain structures than mentally healthy people. In the end that means: an improvement is possible, for a cure I would need a new brain. Exaggerated of course. In the end it's something you live with and have to come to terms with, and you have to appeal to your fellow human beings to accept it. do you know that Especially the bad mood question and that with the smile ensures that at some point it occurs reflexively. You smile because you see someone. You smile because it's expected in certain situations. Similar to eye contact. You force yourself to do it. Dysthymia is... persistent depression. Although it is weaker than most other depressions, the duration is often several years or, in my case... forever. People with dysthymia have very low self-esteem, are often exhausted, have very poor sleep, and very little energy and happiness. Even everyday activities don't make you cheer up or anything. It's like a permanent state of sadness. That would be to put it very simply. Those affected with dysthymia often have the following characteristics (thanks to Psych2Go DE on YT for a simplified explanation in a video) and unfortunately all of them apply to me. I will also explain my behavior on the individual points: Worries about time My husband can sing a song about how often I complain about not having time and how everything I do ends up being a waste of time. This is very pronounced for me and there is very little that I don't see as a waste of time. This blog e.g. B. I claim that with this content I can contribute to the enlightenment of many people. But in general, no matter what I do, I see it as a waste of time. Even sleeping is a waste of time for me. If not the biggest. Self-criticism Affected people criticize EVERYTHING they do. I'm z. B. a person who tries things out. Again and again. But I criticize myself so harshly that I hardly get anything done. Or even finish it. It comes from the feeling of not being good enough. Not being what you hope/expect of yourself. This drives many of those affected to unhealthy limits. I'm actually one of those people who just drop things (fortunately, let me say this). Thinking everything through . I've been told this so many times and I often say it to others. But in my case it is very, very good: I think about something for so long, no matter how useful it is, or not that it robs me of my sleep. For example, when Hati first came here, I panicked myself so much that I imagined myself barricaded in the bedroom even before he arrived. “What if… and then if…”. These are trains of thought that create a vortex that is almost impossible to get out of. Feelings of misunderstanding In the video by Psych2Go DE, this is broken down very much into the illness. But it is actually a general problem for those affected. One often and quickly feels misunderstood or misunderstood. Be it in conversations or in actions. I have that e.g. B. more often at work. I explain my view of something and run into blocks or I am made to understand (perhaps unintentionally) that my thinking is wrong. That makes you withdraw even further at some point. Especially in connection with the APD. But more on that later. The Sea of Sadness As a dysthymic sufferer, you are sad most of the time, or almost always in severe cases. While with most other types of depression you can say "The last time I was sad was every now and then" it's more like saying "I don't remember being happy" with people with dysthymia. For me, since I can't remember either, it's like "The last time I was happy was on ... because." It is a never-ending sadness, sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger. A .. grumpy mood that won't go away no matter what you do. Unhealthy coping Sick people naturally try to come to terms with their lives and their (often still unconscious) illness. Nevertheless, those affected try to switch off their heads somehow. As a result, many sufferers become addicted to alcohol or drugs. I have a disturbed (but not pathologically disturbed) eating behavior during worse phases. So-called overappetite. I want greasy food and that's what I do. Also in the knowledge that I have a bad conscience afterwards because I ate greasy food again. It has become less. But unfortunately I can't turn it off completely. But the opposite can also be the case. underappetite. Some sick people stop eating. This over a long period of time, which can also be very unhealthy and even lead to worse diseases. Of course, there are more unhealthy coping methods. However, I have limited myself to those that are most common or concern me. Unhealthy pastimes For sufferers, activities such as watching series, burying themselves in games seem perfectly normal. Just like all the other points mentioned. After all, they live their lives like everyone else. It is their flight from reality that makes life so difficult for them. And most importantly, they try to escape the disease a little. It may seem unhealthy to others. For those affected, however, it is a means of not falling into even deeper depressions. It was well described in the video: Sick people often feel numb and sometimes as if they don't fit into the world because others don't. Others laugh, rejoice, fall in love. And in the end, only the veil remains for those affected, which makes us sad. Associated with dysthymia, as previously mentioned, are (everything in my case) increased appetite, trouble sleeping, fatigue and low energy, decreased self-confidence, reduced ability to concentrate (which in my case gets worse the less interested I am), and difficulty making decisions and last but not least often long-lasting hopelessness or pessimism. This is normal … I thought. I really thought what I am was normal. My whole life. And so it is with many sufferers. When it comes to depression, people always thought of these classic descriptions. death unhappy. Often with a tendency to suicide. I hadn't expected that my permanently depressed mood would really be a clinical picture. "I am so." I always thought so, and in the end it is. I am like this and in the end I will stay like this. In the end, Roswitha turned out to be a really existing disease without knowing it beforehand. I also found a few sufferers of dysthymia and I wanted to quote you something that I find very … appropriate in retrospect, especially related to Roswitha. “Yeah, absolutely right…. Dysthymia is a real bitch. Because it's always there, but lets you "Somehow, just about, but never fulfilling or even happy." Additionally, this quote also pretty aptly describes what dysthymia is all about. never to be happy. But what is all this together? I tell you. double depression Dysthymia rarely comes alone. It often occurs together with another psychological clinical picture. The interesting thing is, it can be anything. And that's why every dysthymia is somehow unique. There are days in a year when I can't get up. And even if I make it, I'm then e.g. B. glued to the couch. Nothing could make me do anything these days. I feel weak, useless, unable to do anything. Then one speaks of a double depression. The APDcan indeed be episodic and at the end and in connection with the dysthymia can cause a total knockout. There are years when this happens more often and then there are years when it only happens once or maybe twice. This is also a time when one feels infinitely empty. Not the emptiness I usually wish for because my head is overloaded. But an uncomfortable emptiness. Helplessness hits me pretty well, I think. Rarely, at least for me, does it happen that it takes a longer period of time. My husband also struggles a bit with me because I'm generally listless. And I'm always particularly sorry when we then e.g. B. do something, and I'm rather unsympathetic. And I'm always afraid that this will change something. job loss e.g. B., or that my partner(s) turn away from me. It ends up being a flood of all the fears I've talked about before. I also took the trouble once and created a graphic, which was also shown to me in a less beautiful way, to clarify the whole thing for you: thegreen: The line represents the mood of a mentally healthy person. Sometimes you're in a good mood, sometimes you're not. An up and down with no significant peaks down. theRedLine is the average depression, as it is often described. You have a course like that of a mentally healthy person, but it goes down episodically. As mentioned above, these people can often pinpoint when they have been depressed. theblue-turquoiseLine would be a dysthymia sufferer. A permanent gloomy mood with no upward improvement. And thepurpleLine is... Gerry. This is then a double depression as described above. You always move in the depression and fall into a hole episodically, only to end up in the permanent depression again at the end. There's no way straight up. while e.g. B. Jokes ensure that people can be amused by them for a while, it is a little different with dysthymia sufferers (especially from my own experience): I z. B. can laugh me to death. I can find things hilarious. But that doesn't cheer me up at all. I'm back in my gloom within moments of laughter. And from experience I can say... it's hell. This combination also ensures that small changes in familiar situations throw me off track. I have a small example for this: At work, we work with so-called backends. So desktops where we can do many things. Once an input window was moved. To the right edge of the screen. It blew my mind one day (and I tried my best not to show it). And it took me over a week to get used to it. And it was exhausting. And in the end there is no way out. My combination in particular is really … bad (personal feeling). Both are difficult to treat and cannot be cured. This means …. oh I'll get to that later. But please believe me when I say I hit the jackpot. But I'm sure others fare even worse. But there is more. The samples I once got a funny saying in a different context. But I convert it a bit and pass it on to you. “It's like this with the special issues: It's like being in a perfumery. You buy your depression illnesses and get other little problems as samples in the bag.” At the end, the following flows into the dysthymia. I have increased impulsiveness compared to the average human. This ensures, among other things, that I quickly get upset and mentally get up to 180 very quickly. This is (for me) very difficult to control. In addition, it also takes a lot of strength to keep this impulsiveness in check. Especially when I feel misunderstood and people don't make an effort to understand me. I think I've philosophized enough about my fears and even made huge projects out of them, so I'll just skip that part. A great deal of insecurity in social contact is also one of these little tests. There are actually moments for me where I think, “Are you really texting this person? Would she even be interested in a conversation?”. And only digitally. In real life it's even worse. Other problems such as B. understanding other people (especially facial expressions and gestures) are also present. Or the rendering of one's own inner being to third parties. This also applies to communicating in an understandable way. I'm often bold, forward-thinking and, at least I'm often given the feeling, ambiguous. In the end... I could have done without these samples. How does it go from here? After the diagnosis I was advised to see a therapist. With emphasis on the fact that this / r has a license to practice medicine. Funny. I almost had to laugh. It's hard to find therapists at all. Finding a therapist is more like looking for a needle... in 20 haystacks. At least in Berlin. But I know that I won't do that again in Berlin. We have decided to move this year. And I don't want to put myself through the stress of searching and any therapy per se and having to move with me. Afterwards the boys have to do everything themselves because I can't get up. I'm so scared of this exact situation. In addition, it would be pointless to start therapy here and then start all over again in six months. It's already... very stressful. If it was up to me, I would take some time off. Sleep in (although it's a waste of time, I seem to need it). My energy balance is currently absolutely in the basement. It all cost a lot. The dysthymia is already very energy gluttonous (she is an energy whore). The last few weeks have been exhausting. And the last few days have sucked me dry. And I also dedicated myself to the beef and now this blog with thousands of words. I'm just done. But I'll see if I'm more motivated to draw. Because when I was actively drawing, everything was a little better. I'm trying to optimize my setting a bit to counteract the displeasure and my own laziness. I'll definitely see a therapist at some point, but I've planned other paths for now. The positive side of the coin Much of what is bad often comes with a positive side, which comes to light when you network with people who have similar or even deeper problems. Especially with diagnoses. I have a very strong sense of justice (which sometimes kicks a little...too intensely). Discrimination, disadvantage and such are a red rag for me, which I jump at in 99% of all cases. Like an angry bull. I no longer have to be ashamed of being "ungrateful," "rude," or "antisocial." In the end (and while that sounds like a cheap excuse), it's not my fault. And I've now taken two days to understand that. Of course, the shame will never end. But it doesn't have to make me feel any worse than I already feel. I had given the monster a name in my head. Roswitha. And now the monster has a shape too. And that's reassuring. I finally have a tool to educate people who have issues with me. I can say “Hey. This is due to the following reason…”. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier. I will have the same problems and challenges in the future as I do now. But I can work better with it now. And I solidified other choices. Met new ones and I hope my own urge to drift off into doing nothing doesn't get in the way. It has been very… present in recent years. And what is perhaps also important … Due to the illness, of course I (was) the perfect victim of bullying. I was also able to recognize a lot for myself. However, that does not justify bullying. And never will. But... let's be honest: I was easy prey. But still … past contacts First of all: You don't need to have a guilty conscience. You didn't know. I did not know it. Nobody knew. But I can close some "files" now. I've often asked myself why people left my life. Especially the APDexplains a lot. There are two subtypes in the APD. And I've done both. I used to be pliable-exploitable. I felt taken advantage of by others or was even taken advantage of, which explains the current problem. Because I was blind to those signs. I think it has accompanied me for 25 years to belong to exactly this type. By now I would say I've become the "cool-aloof" subtype. I've become very suspicious. Especially if you want things from me. I don't know if it's common to iterate over both subtypes. That's the way it is with me. People (including very important people who I somehow even still miss) have often turned their backs on me because I'm always so negative. Because I tend to look at everything grey-black instead of white. Because I push forward with my negative thoughts. Because people couldn't accept that dark spot called Gerry in their lives anymore. I even understand that now. Although I continue to believe that toxic positivity is a big problem. There are one or two contacts that I think it would be nice to re-establish and maybe people understand that that's who I am and that can't be changed in the blink of an eye, and maybe never. But I don't believe in it. In addition, the wrong people will also feel addressed by it. So if I don't answer you... you don't belong. What doesn't help? Now how do we deal with this? "I'm sorry for you" ... It's allowed. But... it doesn't help. Expressing sympathy when you don't understand something only serves to make you feel better. It doesn't help those affected at all and in the end you feel bad (in my case at least) because you might have even made someone sad. Also, trying to impose things like positivity or hope is totally unhelpful. This combination of diseases almost does not allow you to absorb hope and positivity. Or even perceive. And no matter how hard a person tries to instill confidence in a hopeful future, it's more likely to result in... reducing and ending the conversation, or in the case of sustained PA, the contact. I've always tried to avoid that. So cut off contact. This often took care of itself (see last section). As hard as it sounds: In view of the facts regarding treatability, let alone a cure, there is no hope. Or I don't see them and I can't either. You're welcome to have hope. Nobody forbids you that. But don't force it on me (and possibly other sufferers you meet). This is a waste of time and energy. Mutually. Also, forcing someone to do something (for example, saying that you should seek treatment immediately) is counterproductive. I have my pace. I want to set my own pace. The "readiness" to do something has to come from me. I have to make the decision to start therapy. to practice a sport. to find a hobby. And and and. I must not be denied the right to make my own decisions on this particular issue. And now? I've done a lot now. In recent years I have tackled many things that were put off for years. I've built up a small but fine group of friends. I changed my name. Official with certificate. And now I have a diagnosis. But now... I'm tired. And somehow I have to manage to gather enough energy in my head for what's still to come. The move first. I would like to let myself rest for now. Spending time with my family and friends. The subject itself will come up many more times in these contacts. And I hope that you all understand that. But I don't want to press any further for changes. i need a break I will read more about the two diseases. Educate myself to maybe find ways to explain it more easily. I'll learn to deal with it. And above all, I will try to approach those around me in a reasonable manner in order to explain and clarify this. I have two diseases that cannot be seen. Externally I am healthy (perhaps a bit too fat). Oh well. Except for little things like my acne or my eczema. But you'll never see my head. The chaos. The fears. The perpetual darkness. I will keep getting up. Carry on doing my steps. No matter how many times I fall. I will live with the diseases and continue to fight my life until maybe one day I can't anymore. And I should be aware of that, and so should my family: it can happen at some point. And it's up to my family and friends if they want to continue with me. You see a Gerry who is grumpy. You like (or hate) him. And now you also know that I'm sick. In the head. With ailments that many people think a little sunshine could cure. Or even refuse to accept them. If you have questions: ask. If you want to talk to me about it, talk to me. Thanks. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me so much over the past few weeks. Gerry

Being single is not stressful when you have first found yourself and you are committed to being the best version of it..... you will inturn naturally attract necessary advantageous relationships to your life. Being whole comes from the intrapersonal relationship you have with yourself.... it is from that wholeness you that you can actually become valuable to people around you or people you are attracted to or they being attracted to you.

Hi all, thanks for your support. A quick update on my journey as a meditation beginner. I started guided meditation using creative visualisation and manifesting techniques and the result is scary. I wasn't expecting instant results and I am manifesting new abundance in my life, health, work, business, home, relationships, friendships and finances. I am using some free audio resources at Guided Meditation & Hypnosis. Anyone can manifest their own abundance through meditation using the creative visualisation and manifesting methods. Happy manifesting guys and please update the group about what good you manifested.

Hi everyone, I'm in the process of writing a thesis and would appreciate anyone that can answer some questions for me. Please find them listed below, and thank you in advance! How long have you been meditating? - Less than 1 year - 1 – 2 years - 3 – 5 years - 5 – 10 years - 10 + years How long do you meditate per day? - 5 – 10 minutes - 15 – 20 minutes - 25 – 30 minutes - 45 + minutes What made you start meditating? - Depression or anxiety - Self-help or self-improvement books/podcasts - Wanting to reduce stress - Physical health concerns - Religious associations - Spiritual associations - Family member or friend suggestion - Psychologist or social worker recommendation - Family doctor recommendation What are some changes you’ve noticed since starting meditating? - Decreased anxiety - Decreased depression - Improved focus - Improved creativity - Improved self-worth/self-esteem - Improved relationships - Improved memory retention - Increased energy - Ability to handle stress - Increased emotional intelligence - Increased mindfulness - Mood improvement/stability - Sleep improvement - Increased spiritual connection What’s your preferred method of meditation? - Mindfulness - Walking - Mantra - Guided - TM - Journaling How would you rate your mental health since meditating out of 10? - 1 – 3 (bad) - 4 – 5 (not good) - 6 – 7 (good) - 8 – 9 (very good) - 10 + (excellent) Do you think meditation can improve mental health? - Yes - No

Hi! I need help. Im writing in this forum because im draining in despair. I have recently, some months back, had my initiation towards my spiritual awakening. I have been working very hard to love myself because no one has done it properly in my close circle during my whole life. I have been reading a lot, working out and spending time in nature, learning how to say sorry to the ones I’ve hurt, controlling my ego instead of it controlling me, it has really helped and made me improve. The problem of this comes within my personal relationships. I started my awakening noticing things about me that where pretty toxic and I had to change, I eventually did and work with all my heart on that every day all day. However, then I started noticing how the people around me where completely toxic as well, the people within my family I mean: my sister, step-dad, mom, VERY close people to me, with the witch I have to live everyday because I’m still a minor. I eventually noticed that all these narcissistic, manipulative and negative traits are all around my environment: noticing it between my pears at school, how they are many of them obsessed with control of others and maintaining a clean image (its a super small private school with high societal position teens). I noticed that the friendship I had with my best friend was just for her a way of gaining control, power and feeling well with herself. I’m exposing all this initially because my hope in society is dispersing away, and it’s starting to scare me a bit, still being conscious that I can’t loose hope because of my environment, I know there must be somewhere people from out of it that are different, I hope and they must, I expect it. However, I’m still very confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m really working hard everyday to be a better person and to love myself for the first time, but it seems like the people around me don’t manage to understand it. It has gotten to a point where I see the intentions in everyone as soon as they walk up to me, it has given very harsh anxiety problems, and it made me isolate in the bathrooms or classes to avoid having to perceive that negativity, and seeing no one on week ends. I would usually, like everyone I guess, just put some distances and boundaries with toxic people, with the ones I could I did indeed. But, what about the people I HAVE to be with because of the laws that our society has implied towards the minor? I can’t escape my family, not until I am 18 at least. I have tried everything, I have learned how to be alone, to meet my true self and passions in life, to be able not to have dependency on my relation with others (I had huge issues with that, it really gave me a huge anxiety and panic attacks). Now I can be alone, in fact it has become a problem because I prefer that than being with people. Still sometimes, during this isolation process that I am taking, everyday almost, an injection into my hurt heart of that feeling of CRAVING human socialization comes to me; of wanting to love others and transmit all the love that my soul knows holds onto them. As Aristotle said, and with complete certainty, after all we are social animals, and I am as well. So this is my doubt as a whole? I have that feeling of craving contact in my soul, but each time I try, in this environment that I live in, they pull me and my self improvement process one step back: they make me fall back onto the hole of toxicity. And the hole that I fall back in is not the one that is transmitted onto our physical realm, but since I practice mindfulness a lot and take a lot of care with my words and actions towards others, they instead pull me into the deep hole of my own head. That constantly craves human touch, but knows that the people around me are not going to influence me in a positive way. I’m desperate and need someone to talk about this, I practice a lot the stoic tendency of not sharing my worries with others, since they already have enough with the relation they have with their selfs and their problems, and thus this has led me to literally feeling like I’m going crazy. I don’t know if maybe it’s me who is doing the things wrongly, I don’t try to change people, I just want to surround myself with people that share that same effort everyday of self improvement. However my head always tortures me onto thinking I might be loosing my papers, and treating the people that “love” me badly (I will use the braces because I haven’t felt real love in my life, again of course I’m not discarding this might because of my fault). So please, I really appreciate if someone has read this entirely, now, I really need some advice. Please if it’s me, I need to know what in me needs to change, if not, what can I do with those toxic people that I can’t set boundaries with. I don’t think I can be this isolated from society much more, I need help.

hey @suedseefrucht, if you would like to know a little bit more about these relationship types, we have a couple of articles in the magazine that may be interesting for you! Thanks :) https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy-what-does-it-mean/ https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/relationship-anarchy/

Welcome, I have a question. I think, everyone should live the way he/she likes and this is not meant to be criticism. I'm just curious, how some kinds of relationships work, which I didn't experience myself. Is polyamorism experienced positive by all the partners involved? As an outsider, I would think, 1 partner will always suffer from it. Like the one who is not your fiance, because he is not part of the engagement. I have the same question about an open relationship. Some people think it's very good, because it's not restrictive, but personally I can not imagine that nobody will suffer from it.

Relationships based on a friendship are great. Pursuing hobbies is a great way to find friends.

It will hurt for a while but over time you will heal. Life doesn't give us losses only lessons. After the healing, the lessons learned will present themselves. The hardest part will be to not let this situation affect future relationships.

Totally agree that it's important to set boundaries with your friendships and relationships! And it's also totally okay to tell a friend if you are not in the right headspace or mentally capable to deal with their unloading. We all have good days and bad, and if it starts to affect your mental health or your wellbeing you should be able to be honest about that too.

As we change, our relationships and friendships change. A friendship that was satisfying for a long time can change into one we are no longer comfortable with. When a friendship is one-sided, we might even feel used, unseen, and manipulated. I think you already answered by mentioning healthy boundaries. We need to be honest with ourselves and others and set these boundaries for the sake of our friendship, ourselves, and also our friends. Who, if not our close friends, deserve our honest feedback.

Hello, welcome to Happiness.com I can't wait to read all what you will share here about your experience and view of life, love, relationships and happiness. I hope you're not Mr. Prefect but like you said a little bit of mistakes here or there is always fun... And you get the chance to make it prefect.