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Practicing forgiveness is a scientifically-proven way to cultivate deeper happiness. However, forgiving someone and dropping a grudge isn't always easy. Arlo Laibowitz shares a 9-step process that enables you to forgive, let go of suffering, and move on with your life. Human relationships are beautiful, dynamic and invariably complex. They can bring us great joy, comfort and growth, but they can also lead us to the depths of despair when we are betrayed, misunderstood, disappointed or unfairly treated. In our journey through life, the question isn't whether if we'll experience such hurtful moments, but rather when we'll encounter them – and how we'll cope. Indeed, to live is to get hurt. We've all been in the situation that we feel that others have done us wrong: by their words, their actions, or even worse, their indifference. And then there also the things we regret doing or saying ourselves. We've all heard the saying 'to forgive and forget', but in practice, we tend to hold on to our feelings of hurt and resentment. In fact, the best way to deal with these hurting moments is by actually learning how to forgive someone. That's because there's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that practicing forgiveness can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically. Why do we hold onto a grudge? Being hurt or betrayed by someone – particularly someone you care about – causes confusion, anger, and sadness. If you continue to dwell on these hurtful events, resentment-filled grudges can develop and take root, opening you up to being consumed by a sense of injustice or bitterness. What are the negative effects of holding a grudge? If you find it hard to practice forgiveness, you may: Become so obsessed with the wrong that you can't enjoy the present moment. Bring bitterness and anger into new friendships/relationships. Become irritable, depressed, or anxious. Lose potentially valuable and enriching connections. Understanding the Power of Forgiveness So, how can we learn how to forgive someone for good? And how does forgiving help us to lead happier and more peaceful lives? Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you. However, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, condoning, or excusing offences. It is what we do for ourselves to get well and move on. Forgive and forget someone in nine simple steps shutterstock/fizkes Furthermore, forgiveness is not just a nebulous, spiritual concept but a science-backed strategy that can lead to better emotional and physical health. According to numerous studies, forgiveness can reduce depression, anxiety, and lead to better heart health. In a 2005 study, researchers at the Department of Psychology at Luther College, Iowa, discovered a direct link between forgiveness and several aspects of health, including cardiovascular functioning, physical vitality, and overall mental health. The act of forgiveness also led to lower levels of fatigue and better sleep quality. “There's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that learning how to forgive someone can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically.” Extend this prime notion further with research from University Hospitals of Cleveland in 2003. It was found that individuals who were better at forgiveness showed less stress, anger and depression. Those who held onto their resentment had higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and a higher rate of perceived stress. Finally, Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found in his 2006 study that forgiveness training could not only effectively decrease depression, stress and hostility, but it could also increase feelings of optimism, hope, and self-confidence. How to Forgive Someone in 9 Steps In fact, it was Fred Luskin that originally outlined this 9-step forgiveness program. It helps us to take things less personally, blame others less, and offer more understanding and compassion to others, and to ourselves. So, if you are seeking how to forgive someone who has hurt you, follow these steps: 1. Reflect On Your Experience Know exactly how you feel about what has happened and be able to articulate what is wrong about it. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience. This step encourages expressing your emotions openly, and sharing your experience with others. The key here is acknowledging how the situation made you feel, and expressing that genuinely. 2. Commit Yourself to Feel Better Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's. You are choosing forgiveness for your own peace and tranquility. How to practise forgiveness 3. Don't Condone Forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation or condoning the actions of the person that has grieved you. Forgiveness is about peace and understanding and taking things less personally. It is about the shift in your own feelings and mindset. 4. Shift Perspective Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago. “Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's.” This step encourages the recognition that the ongoing pain and distress, rather than the past event, is what primarily causes suffering. 5. Try Calming Exercises Practice stress management to soothe flight or fight, by doing conscious breathing exercises, taking a walk, or whatever else works. Actively manage stress as it occur and aim to soothe your body's reactive response. 6. Lower Expectations Give up expecting things from your life or other people that they do not give you. Luskin advises letting go of unmet expectations for the sake of your tranquility. It's important to accept that you cannot control others’ choices and actions. MORE LIKE THIS: Self-Forgiveness: How to Forgive Yourself in 7 Steps The 6 Steps to an Effective Apology How to Let Go of Bitterness and Resentment 7. Change focus Put your energy into looking for ways to get your positive goals met, instead of focusing on the experience that has hurt you. This step promotes positive thinking and goal-driven attitudes. Instead of dwelling on the hurtful experience, channel energy into seeking constructive ways to meet your positive goals. 8. Look Around You Remember that a well-lived life is an ultimate revenge: look for love, beauty, and kindness. Put energy into appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have. Living a good life is the best retaliation. It's about taking back the power the offender has over you by shifting focus from negative feelings to the beauty and positivity surrounding you. 9. Remind yourself Amend the way you look at your past; cherish your forgiveness. This is the final step to recalibrating one's perspective. It's crucial to prevent past experiences from tarnishing the present moment. This step helps to restore equilibrium and positivity in life. Embracing forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free and discovering that the prisoner was you. Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you may be gruelling. However, this nine-step forgiveness program can provide you with a structured, practical pathway to navigate through your journey of healing. Remember, healing will take time and patience, but by practicing forgiveness sustainably, you will be opening the door to inner peace, better health and enhanced happiness. What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change? This is a good question, but getting another person to change isn't the point of learning how to forgive someone. Forgiveness is all about focusing on what you can control and how it can improve your life by ushering in peace, happiness, and emotional healing. Forgiveness removes the power the person that did you wrong continues to hold over your life. The Takeaway: How to Forgive Someone Understanding how to practice forgiveness is more than just about releasing resentment or letting go of grudges. It is about breaking down walls, building bridges and starting on a path to recovery, acceptance and ultimately, happiness. Indeed, research has shown that as we forgive, we are less susceptible to stress, anger and hurt. Once we have learnt how to forgive, it becomes easier to do that in new situations and induces more optimism.So, start on this transformative venture today, and discover the liberating power of forgiveness - not merely for the sake of those who have wronged you, but for your own well-being and harmony. ● Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; }

Dealing with the difficulties that life throws at us can be a struggle, but by staying resilient you can cope better and feel stronger. So, from writing it all out to practising forgiveness, here are five science-baked strategies for building resilience. People often try to cope with difficult situations and stressful periods in their lives by simply putting on a brave face – or even burying their heads in the sand and pretending that their problems aren't happening. The issue with this approach is that it fails to deal with the feelings that the situation brings up. Indeed, burying negative feelings for a long time can lead to anxiety and/or depression. Resilience refers to your capacity to recover from difficulties and ability to bounce back. Instead of pushing yourself or simply surviving, building resilience techniques will help you to stay resilient and cope better with the inevitable challenges that life throws at all of us. Staying resilient: 5 techniques to try There are many times throughout our life journey when will need to try and stay resilient. It could be because we are experiencing problems or conflicts at work or at home. Or it may be due to a more traumatic event, such as the death of a parent, serious illness, or losing a home. Of course, being and staying resilient doesn't mean that you won't experience difficulty or distress. However, by building and strengthening your resilience, you'll give yourself a better chance of coping with stress. Start by practising these five strategies for building resilience during times of adversity. 1. Tell a different story Have you ever gone over and over something bad that's happened to you in your head? Perhaps you wonder how you could have behaved differently? Known as rumination, this reliving of painful experiences does nothing to help us move on and can even lead to depression. Instead, you need to find ways of resetting your thoughts. One way to do this is called expressive writing. This involves writing down anything that comes into your head, on whatever is bothering you. This will allow you to examine your thoughts and confront them. You don't have to be great at writing; the aim is just to get your thoughts and feelings out. The write way: stay resilient by putting your thoughts on paper A study from 1998 compared expressive writers with those who wrote about superficial topics. It found that those who carried out expressive writing for four days were healthier six weeks later and also happier up to three months later. Another exercise is called 'finding silver linings'. Although it first it may not seem as though there are any benefits to a bad experience, in fact, if you did deeper you may gain insight. Perhaps this challenging experience you've been through has shown you who your real friends are, or taught you that you're stronger than you thought. These exercises will help you feel less pessimistic and you can maintain the benefits by continuing to practice them and stay resilient. “Instead of simply surviving, staying resilient helps you to cope with the inevitable challenges that life throws at you.” This resilience-building technique is also backed up by science. A 2014 study showed that finding silver linings daily for three weeks helped participants become more engaged with life afterward. It also decreased their pessimistic beliefs over time. 2. Confront your fears Adopting the practise of rewriting the narrative is useful when dealing with past problems, but doesn't help when dealing with present fears. How can we handle things that have yet to happen? You can start by slowly building up your tolerance, and gradually pushing yourself a little further every time. RELATED: Resilience quotes – 7 powerful sayings to inspire you For example, if you're nervous about taking a long-distance flight but would one day like to visit Australia, begin with a short flight and gradually extend your travels. As you become more comfortable with spending longer in the air, work your way up to a long-haul flight. This works by slowly desensitizing you with gradual and increased exposure to a situation you're afraid of or uncomfortable with. 3. Meditation Meditation and mindfulness are great tools to build resilience. They help us to stay resilient by bringing us back to the present, rather than living in the past or worrying about the future. These techniques also help us to deal with negative feelings. You can try programs like Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), which are designed to show you how to use meditation to improve your mental and physical well-being. Here at happiness.com, we have a free online MBSR course you can take. RELATED: 7 mindfulness tips for staying engaged There are also techniques like body scan meditation, which can be used to identify where you hold stress in your body and teach you how to relax. Or, you can develop a more mindful relationship with food, rather than turning to junk food when you're stressed. Multiple studies have shown that MBSR has many health and psychological benefits, especially for those struggling with chronic disease or mental illness. Present (un)tense: become more resilient with meditation 4. Be kind to yourself We're often much harder on ourselves than we would be on other people, and think that we're alone in our fears. But being kind to yourself is essential to your well-being, so ensure you can stay resilient by practising self-compassion, and be as kind to yourself as you would be to others. This strategy to build resilience involves a three-step process: Start by being mindful of your feelings, but don't judge them. Simply acknowledge them. Remind yourself that everyone feels this way at some point. Finish by giving yourself permission to have these feelings and accept yourself as you are. If you find this difficult, ask yourself how you would treat a friend who was experiencing the same problems: you would almost certainly show kindness to them, so do the same for yourself. You can also try writing a letter to yourself, making sure it contains only words of compassion and acceptance. Be kind to yourself: self-compassion builds resilience 5. Forgiveness Forgiving others may be difficult, but holding on to grudges is also not a route to happiness. How can your well-being develop properly if you're living in the past? Begin by acknowledging what has happened, but then decide to give up your feelings of resentment so that you can move on. Contrary to what you might believe, forgiveness is for your own sake, not that of others; you will benefit from understanding other people more or finding ways in which you can learn from a painful experience. Remember that everyone is human, and the person who wronged you may be suffering their own issues. “Meditation and mindfulness are great tools to build resilience. They bring us back to the present, rather than living in the past or worrying about the future.” A 2011 study tested forgiveness against the alternatives — ruminating on negative feelings or repressing them— and found that cultivating compassion meant participants felt more empathy, positive emotions and feelings of control: all signs of building resilience and staying resilient. The takeaway: How to stay resilient We all experience difficulties in life and some of us cope with the stress better than others. However, if you're struggling, you can learn skills to build resilience and stay stronger. Viewing negative experiences in a different light can help you to stay resilient and teach you how to cope with difficult situations in the future – something that will inevitably occur at various points throughout the rest of your life. ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Guest author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

We don't know anyone that actually likes saying sorry. Indeed, admitting you're wrong takes courage. But, in fact, giving an effective apology is a skill that can be learnt. Here, Rae Bathgate explains the six steps on how to say sorry... and be forgiven! Regardless of who you are, where you’re from, or what your favourite colour is, one thing is constant: apologizing is hard. To say you’re sorry means to stare your mistakes dead in the eye and call them by their name, which is already hard enough, let alone for the apology to be sincere. Even then, in a tense atmosphere, it’s easy to have a hard time getting your point across: you could be completely earnest and make the situation even worse. Yet, apologies are often the first step towards resolving any dispute: if altercations were to be followed with a sincere apology, it would open the door for forgiveness, and allow for a happier relationship. So, what's the best way to say 'I'm sorry'? A new study in the business and human resources sector has found six steps to make the process more efficient. Published in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, Vol. 9, No. 2 in 2016, the study was led by Roy Lewicki, lead author of the study and professor emeritus of management and human resources at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. His co-authors were Robert Lount, associate professor of management and human resources at Ohio State and Beth Polin of Eastern Kentucky University. “Apologies are often the first step towards resolving any dispute: if altercations were to be followed with a sincere apology, it would open the door for forgiveness.” For their results, Lewicki and his colleagues conducted two separate and differently constructed tests, using different demographics. In these studies, the researchers examined how 755 participants reacted to apologies. Each apology was created to contain anywhere from one to all six of the relevant elements to make an apology as effective as possible. So, what's the best way to give an effective apology. Just how should you 'sorry'? Fight snub: learn to stop arguing and make an effective apology The six key elements of an effective apology Perhaps the most significant takeaway is that the more of the following elements you include, the more effective the apology will be. The six key elements to an effective apology are: 1. Expression of regret 2. Explanation of what went wrong 3. Acknowledgment of Responsibility 4. Declaration of repentance 5. Offer of repair 6. Request for forgiveness While in the best possible scenario, you would use all six elements when saying sorry, some elements are more necessary than others. Lewicki’s study showed that, first and foremost, for a effective apology, one should focus on number 3, “Acknowledgement of Responsibility.” Our findings revealed that the most critical component is an acknowledgement of responsibility. Say it's your fault, that you made a mistake,” Lewicki explained. Imagine someone immediately making excuses or, worse, deflecting responsibility; this does not make an effective apology. The second element to include was “Offer of Repair.” Often, just apologizing isn't enough. By at least proposing to rectify the situation, you are helping your cause. “One concern about apologies is that talk is cheap. But by saying, ‘I’ll fix what's wrong,’ you’re committing to taking action to undo the damage,” Lewicki continued. The next most effective thing to do was a tie of three elements. In fact, just to be safe, it might not be a bad idea to include all three. In no particular order, the elements to include are expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong, and declaration of repentance. The least effective element of a real apology? Asking for forgiveness. This is understandable, considering that, in most cases, this will benefit you more than the person you are apologizing to, even if the desire to be forgiven comes from a place of remorse and contrition. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The School of Life's take on how to say sorry Apologizing: the tests TEST #1: adults The first test involved 333 adults recruited online through Amazon’s MTURK program, a workforce platform. In it, each participant read a scenario in which they were the manager of an accounting department that was in the process of hiring a new employee. The scenario further stated that at a previous job, the employee had filed an incorrect tax return, one that understated the client’s capital gains income. In this scenario, when confronted about the altercation, the job candidate apologized. Rather than construct an apology using these entities, the researchers just told the participants how many of the elements mentioned above the apology contained. Half of the participants were told that this incorrectly filed tax return was related to the applicant’s competence, meaning that he was not knowledgeable in all relevant tax codes. In other words, an honest mistake. The other half of the participants involved were told that the mishap was related to the individual’s integrity: for whatever reason, he knowingly filed the tax return incorrectly. Then, using a scale of 1 (not at all) to 5 (very), the subjects were asked to rate how effective, credible, and adequate the apology would be. TEST #2: undergraduate students The second test was done using 422 undergraduate students. The students read the same scenario, in which as the manager of an accounting department they were considering a job applicant who had made a mistake in their previous job. As with the previous Amazon MTURK study, half of the involved participants were also informed that the incorrectly filed tax return was due to the applicant’s competence, while the other half were told that in this scenario, the document wasn't correctly filed due to the job applicant’s integrity. Kiss and make-up: follow the six steps. © colourbox.com The difference, though, was that this time, the participants weren't told what elements the apology contained; instead, they were shown. They read an actual apology that included anywhere from 1 to 6 statements based on the six key elements mentioned above. For instance, as regards “Acknowledgement of Responsibility,” the apology statement included “I was wrong in what I did, and I accepted responsibility for my actions.” Again, they then rated how effective, credible, and adequate the apology would be. The results While the results were not identical, they were at least very similar, Lewicki explained. The results showed that, in both studies, the more of these six elements that the effective apology contained, the more effective it was perceived as, by both the MTURK participants and the undergraduate students. Then, Lewicki and his team evaluated each element one at a time. The team saw that there was a general consistency in how important each element was, in both studies, with some slight variations. Still, in both studies, including a “Request for Forgiveness” was rated as the least important. Effective apologies: does motive matter? As a matter of fact, it seems like it does. As per the study, it appears that the value of the six components to include in an apology was the same, regardless of whether the apology was related to failures of competence or those of integrity. This means that regardless of whether you meant to forget your spouse’s birthday or to give your friend that terrible haircut, the most important thing is still to acknowledge that you are responsible for the issue. The least important aspect of doing remains to ask them for forgiveness. “Overall, though, the two studies showed that participants were, in fact, less likely to accept an apology, even in their imaginary scenario, when the job applicant was shown as having a lack of integrity versus lack of competence.” It’s also important to remember that, while both of these tests polled a broad sample of different demographics in two different ways, there are still elements that have been left out. Lewicki notes that, in this work, the subjects of the test simply read the apology statements. Professor Lewicki further states that emotion and voice inflexion, during a spoken apology, may have substantial and notable effects as well. “ Things like eye contact and appropriate expression of sincerity are important when you give a face-to-face apology,” he said. How does this help us with effective apologies? As the adage goes, everybody makes mistakes. While this should, of course, not serve as an excuse for acting in one’s own best interests only or for thoughtless behaviour, the chances are that – if you’re reading this – you’re going to come across many more situations which will warrant you apologizing. If you’re still not convinced, there are a plethora of songs about the subject to help. Knowing and acknowledging this opens up a little more room for learning how to handle the situation well. After all, if it’s so common, why shouldn't apologizing – as long as it’s heartfelt, and doesn't border into manipulation – be treated like a skill? There are elements that Lewicki and his colleagues' two studies don’t necessarily acknowledge. As previously mentioned, the participants of the studies read written apologies, which, as the researchers noted, is indeed different than a spoken apology. In a face-to-face apology, interpersonal communication elements (like voice inflexion, appropriate expression of sincerity, and eye contact) may also play a significant role. What’s more, study participants were presented with a relatively impersonal scenario. An apology from a potential employee (and a fictitious one, no less) may be different than an apology from your partner, from a friend, or from a family member. Said effective apology is also related to a unique situation. Saying you’re sorry for an inappropriately-filed report (especially if the participants had no significant invested interest in accounting and properly-crunched numbers) is not an emotionally charged situation. This is an effective way to conduct a study but may not serve as the best litmus test for many other real-life situations. So, what can I do? The study illustrated that participants were more likely to accept an apology from someone who made an honest mistake and displayed a lack of competence, than from someone who acted out of malice. In other words, without oversimplifying the matter - follow the golden rule and integrate as many of the five elements in your effective apology as possible: Expression of regret Acknowledgement of Responsibility Offer of repair Explanation of what went wrong Declaration of repentance For example: “It’s my fault.” Second, offer repair, for instance: “I'll help you by ______” or “I'll fix it by helping you to ______.” As the third most important elements to include seem to all be of equal efficacy, the three next ones you should include are the expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong and declaration of repentance. One example of this could be, “I'm so sorry, I regret what I did. It happened because I misunderstood what was said.” As discussed, the least important element and the one that doesn't have to be included for an effective apology is asking for forgiveness. Flower power: if all else fails... Lastly, if you’re on the receiving end of the apology try to be gracious and understanding. And, if you ever recognize these six elements, used in the appropriate order, remember that the person who’s apologizing to you is at least well-informed! Can apologizing make us happier? The correlation may not be the most direct, but it's there. Relationships, be they with friends, family, partners or coworkers, are always messy, and to work towards never even needing to apologize is unrealistic: a much more achievable goal is, while of course trying to avoid hurtful situations, to learn to mend them effectively when they arise. Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, a life filled with healthy and happy relationships is not only the key to happiness: it's also the key to physical and emotional well-being. Research has proven time and time again that not only are connections with others one of the most basic prerequisites for life satisfaction, but that those relationships must be balanced and uplifting: not a power struggle, but a series of connections. And often, what may be perceived as a weakness (as per the famous John Wayne quote) is actually one of the hardest virtues to uphold. Apologizing is hard, and those who face their faults are more courageous than many. After all, as Leon Uris once wrote: "The ability of a person to atone has always been the most remarkable of human features." ● Main image: colourbox.com Written by Rae Bathgate Rae Bathgate is an American journalist based in Barcelona, where she enjoys sunlight, yoga, and bookbinding.