Practicing forgiveness is a scientifically-proven way to cultivate deeper happiness. However, forgiving someone and dropping a grudge isn't always easy. Arlo Laibowitz shares a 9-step process that enables you to forgive, let go of suffering, and move on with your life.
Human relationships are beautiful, dynamic and invariably complex. They can bring us great joy, comfort and growth, but they can also lead us to the depths of despair when we are betrayed, misunderstood, disappointed or unfairly treated. In our journey through life, the question isn't whether if we'll experience such hurtful moments, but rather when we'll encounter them – and how we'll cope.
Indeed, to live is to get hurt. We've all been in the situation that we feel that others have done us wrong: by their words, their actions, or even worse, their indifference. And then there also the things we regret doing or saying ourselves. We've all heard the saying 'to forgive and forget', but in practice, we tend to hold on to our feelings of hurt and resentment.
In fact, the best way to deal with these hurting moments is by actually learning how to forgive someone. That's because there's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that practicing forgiveness can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically.
Why do we hold onto a grudge?
Being hurt or betrayed by someone – particularly someone you care about – causes confusion, anger, and sadness. If you continue to dwell on these hurtful events, resentment-filled grudges can develop and take root, opening you up to being consumed by a sense of injustice or bitterness.
What are the negative effects of holding a grudge?
If you find it hard to practice forgiveness, you may:
- Become so obsessed with the wrong that you can't enjoy the present moment.
- Bring bitterness and anger into new friendships/relationships.
- Become irritable, depressed, or anxious.
-
Lose potentially valuable and enriching connections.
Understanding the Power of Forgiveness
So, how can we learn how to forgive someone for good? And how does forgiving help us to lead happier and more peaceful lives? Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you.
However, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, condoning, or excusing offences. It is what we do for ourselves to get well and move on.
Forgive and forget someone in nine simple steps shutterstock/fizkes
Furthermore, forgiveness is not just a nebulous, spiritual concept but a science-backed strategy that can lead to better emotional and physical health. According to numerous studies, forgiveness can reduce depression, anxiety, and lead to better heart health.
In a 2005 study, researchers at the Department of Psychology at Luther College, Iowa, discovered a direct link between forgiveness and several aspects of health, including cardiovascular functioning, physical vitality, and overall mental health. The act of forgiveness also led to lower levels of fatigue and better sleep quality.
“There's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that learning how to forgive someone can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically.”
Extend this prime notion further with research from University Hospitals of Cleveland in 2003. It was found that individuals who were better at forgiveness showed less stress, anger and depression. Those who held onto their resentment had higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and a higher rate of perceived stress.
Finally, Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found in his 2006 study that forgiveness training could not only effectively decrease depression, stress and hostility, but it could also increase feelings of optimism, hope, and self-confidence.
How to Forgive Someone in 9 Steps
In fact, it was Fred Luskin that originally outlined this 9-step forgiveness program. It helps us to take things less personally, blame others less, and offer more understanding and compassion to others, and to ourselves. So, if you are seeking how to forgive someone who has hurt you, follow these steps:
1. Reflect On Your Experience
Know exactly how you feel about what has happened and be able to articulate what is wrong about it. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience. This step encourages expressing your emotions openly, and sharing your experience with others. The key here is acknowledging how the situation made you feel, and expressing that genuinely.
2. Commit Yourself to Feel Better
Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's. You are choosing forgiveness for your own peace and tranquility.
How to practise forgiveness
3. Don't Condone
Forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation or condoning the actions of the person that has grieved you. Forgiveness is about peace and understanding and taking things less personally. It is about the shift in your own feelings and mindset.4. Shift Perspective
Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago.
“Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's.”
This step encourages the recognition that the ongoing pain and distress, rather than the past event, is what primarily causes suffering.
5. Try Calming Exercises
Practice stress management to soothe flight or fight, by doing conscious breathing exercises, taking a walk, or whatever else works. Actively manage stress as it occur and aim to soothe your body's reactive response.6. Lower Expectations
Give up expecting things from your life or other people that they do not give you. Luskin advises letting go of unmet expectations for the sake of your tranquility. It's important to accept that you cannot control others’ choices and actions.
MORE LIKE THIS:
- Self-Forgiveness: How to Forgive Yourself in 7 Steps
- The 6 Steps to an Effective Apology
- How to Let Go of Bitterness and Resentment
7. Change focus
Put your energy into looking for ways to get your positive goals met, instead of focusing on the experience that has hurt you. This step promotes positive thinking and goal-driven attitudes. Instead of dwelling on the hurtful experience, channel energy into seeking constructive ways to meet your positive goals.8. Look Around You
Remember that a well-lived life is an ultimate revenge: look for love, beauty, and kindness. Put energy into appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have. Living a good life is the best retaliation. It's about taking back the power the offender has over you by shifting focus from negative feelings to the beauty and positivity surrounding you.9. Remind yourself
Amend the way you look at your past; cherish your forgiveness. This is the final step to recalibrating one's perspective. It's crucial to prevent past experiences from tarnishing the present moment. This step helps to restore equilibrium and positivity in life.
Embracing forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free and discovering that the prisoner was you. Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you may be gruelling. However, this nine-step forgiveness program can provide you with a structured, practical pathway to navigate through your journey of healing.
Remember, healing will take time and patience, but by practicing forgiveness sustainably, you will be opening the door to inner peace, better health and enhanced happiness.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
This is a good question, but getting another person to change isn't the point of learning how to forgive someone. Forgiveness is all about focusing on what you can control and how it can improve your life by ushering in peace, happiness, and emotional healing. Forgiveness removes the power the person that did you wrong continues to hold over your life.
The Takeaway: How to Forgive Someone
Understanding how to practice forgiveness is more than just about releasing resentment or letting go of grudges. It is about breaking down walls, building bridges and starting on a path to recovery, acceptance and ultimately, happiness.
Indeed, research has shown that as we forgive, we are less susceptible to stress, anger and hurt. Once we have learnt how to forgive, it becomes easier to do that in new situations and induces more optimism.So, start on this transformative venture today, and discover the liberating power of forgiveness - not merely for the sake of those who have wronged you, but for your own well-being and harmony. ●
Written by Arlo Laibowitz
Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.
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