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Have you ever considered that a simple kiss could be more than just a sign of affection? What if I told you that locking lips with someone you care about could actually be a secret weapon for your health and well-being? Imagine if something as intimate and comforting as a kiss could not only bring you closer to your partner, but also improve your health in ways you never thought possible. Intrigued? You should be. The benefits of a kiss are immense. But how can a simple kiss offer so much, you may ask? Think back to the last time your lips met those of someone special. Did a wave of euphoria wash over you, or perhaps a profound sense of belonging? Was there a moment when the world seemed to stand still, enveloping you in peace amidst the chaos? It's not all in your head. The science behind kissing reveals a cocktail of benefits, from immunological boosts to stress relief, that many of us overlook. Why does kissing have such a powerful effect on our wellbeing? And how can such a simple gesture be a catalyst for strengthening bonds, improving health and promoting happiness? Let's embark on an exploration into the heart of kissing, armed with scientific evidence and expert opinion, to reveal the myriad ways it can enrich our lives. Are you ready to explore how a daily dose of kissing can potentially sideline your doctor? 1. The unlikely hero of oral health - How kissing works wonders Have you ever stopped in the middle of a kiss to reflect on the magic unfolding in your mouth? Beyond the embrace and the emotional whirlwind, there is an intricate science at work that is quietly championing your health. Every time our lips meet in a kiss, it's not just sparks that fly; our salivary glands spring into action, boosting saliva production. But why is this important? Think of saliva as an unsung hero, particularly important for maintaining impeccable oral health. As the intensity of a kiss increases, so does the flow of saliva, acting less like a simple biological response and more like a meticulous cleaner for your mouth. This rush effectively sweeps away food particles and bacteria lurking on your teeth and gums, like a miniature car wash for your oral cavity. Instead of soap and water, it uses saliva, a natural defence against plaque build-up and a warrior in the fight against tooth decay and gum disease. Who would have thought that a kiss could be a staunch ally in our oral hygiene arsenal and one way to strengthen your dental health? 2. How kissing fuels our inner joy - Endless euphoria Have you ever wondered why a kiss has the magical ability to turn the page on a dull day or lift a happy one to new heights? It goes beyond the mere emotional euphoria of being close to someone we love. Every time our lips meet, an invisible orchestra of chemicals plays inside us, orchestrating the blissful sensations that follow. This symphony involves a potent mix of hormones - dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin - our body's natural happiness architects, who play a key role in lifting our spirits. Think of dopamine as the spark of excitement that floods you, the addictive rush that beckons for more, anchored in the brain's reward circuitry, it gives pleasure and eagerness. Oxytocin, dubbed the 'love hormone', forges deeper connections, cementing emotional bonds and making every shared kiss a treasure trove of cherished moments. And serotonin, the mood enhancer, opens the doors to happiness, creating a pervasive sense of contentment. But the impact of these hormonal waves goes far beyond fleeting joy. They have the power to relieve stress, stave off the shadows of depression and even dull the edge of pain, acting as nature's antidote to emotional and physical ailments. So when the weight of the world seems unbearable, perhaps the remedy lies in the tender refuge of a kiss. A natural, effortless way to brighten your day and strengthen your bonds, no prescription needed. Isn't it amazing to consider the profound power of a simple kiss? 3. Kissing: The silent power of relationships Have you ever wondered why a kiss feels like two souls weaving together? Beyond its romantic allure lies a profound ability to strengthen the bonds between partners. More than just a physical interaction. Kissing is a powerful symbol of emotional connection, a silent dialogue of love and trust. But how does such a simple act have the power to strengthen relationships? Kissing is an exchange of more than affection - it's a mutual sharing of emotions and vulnerability. This act triggers the release of oxytocin, known as the 'bonding hormone', which increases feelings of attachment and makes partners feel closer and more connected. It acts as an emotional glue, promoting a sense of belonging and security. Kissing also acts as a non-verbal communication tool, expressing desires, emotions and mutual understanding. It can deepen the quality of a relationship, make it more resilient and keep the initial spark alive. So when you kiss, remember that it's not just a moment of closeness, it's a crucial act in nurturing the bond of your relationship. 4. The sweet way to heart health with a big kiss Have you ever wondered why, after a passionate kiss, your heart races as if you've been running, but you haven't moved an inch? It's not just an emotional flutter; kissing has real, measurable benefits for your heart health. But how does this intimate act double as a mini cardio session? When you kiss, your heart rate increases - a sign not just of excitement, but of your body receiving a beneficial boost. This accelerated heartbeat helps to dilate your blood vessels, increasing blood flow and lowering blood pressure. Every kiss is like a gentle workout for your heart and blood vessels, providing a subtle but effective tune-up. As well as improving circulation, the cardiovascular stimulation of kissing can also reduce the risk of heart disease, acting as a light, enjoyable workout. Kissing also acts as a natural stress reliever. Considering that chronic stress can lead to high blood pressure and heart complications, the calming effect of kissing not only improves your mood, but also supports your heart health. Could kissing be the most enjoyable activity for heart health? While it doesn't replace traditional exercise, it's a delightful addition to any heart care programme. The next time you share a kiss, you're not just sharing affection with your partner, you're also caring for your heart. So why not lean in for a kiss, knowing that it's a small act with a big impact on your heart health? 5. A natural elixir against pain - soft kisses Have you ever noticed how a kiss can erase the pain of a headache or soothe a cramp? It's not just whimsy. There's science behind kissing's pain-relieving powers. When we kiss, our bodies release endorphins, powerful natural painkillers that outperform some drugs. These endorphins not only distract from pain, they actually relieve it. In addition, kissing increases blood circulation, which improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to cells, aiding recovery and reducing the pain of conditions such as headaches or cramps. This increase in blood flow, triggered by the excitement of a kiss, contributes significantly to pain relief. So the next time pain strikes, remember that a kiss could be a simple, sweet and natural remedy. Who knew that the gentle expression of love could also be an effective pain reliever? 6. Kissing - A boost for trust and connection Have you ever thought about the power of a kiss to lift your spirits and enrich your relationship? Beyond the initial thrill, kissing has a profound effect on self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. But how does this intimate gesture achieve such powerful results? At its core, kissing is an affirmation of affection and acceptance, a shared moment that signifies desire and value. This mutual recognition, especially from a loved one, boosts self-esteem by reinforcing the feeling of being valued and loved. It's a powerful reminder of your valued place in someone else's life, improving your self-image and overall mood. In addition, the act of kissing fosters stronger bonds between partners, increasing relationship satisfaction. It creates a positive feedback loop; as your self-esteem improves, so does your emotional connection with your partner, leading to a more secure and fulfilling relationship. 7. Decoding physical compatibility through kisses Have you ever pondered the significance of that first kiss and its make-or-break vibe? Beyond emotional bonding, a kiss serves as a crucial gauge of physical compatibility. But how does this simple act provide insight into a potential future with someone? A kiss is not just an exchange of emotions; it's a subtle test of biological compatibility. Through the tastes and smells experienced in a kiss, we unconsciously assess our partner's immune system, looking for a complementary genetic mix that promises healthier offspring. Although it may seem scientific, this process deeply influences our romantic choices. The quality of a kiss can reflect levels of connection and attraction, influencing our feelings and potential relationship trajectory. It's as if our instincts guide us towards partners who are biologically as well as emotionally compatible with us. The next time you kiss, think of it as more than a gesture of affection. It's a complex interaction of biology, emotion and chemistry that will lead you to someone truly compatible. A kiss, in its silence, speaks volumes about the bond and potential future with your partner. 8. The quick fix for stress and sadness - more than a healthy kiss Caught in a moment of stress or sadness? A kiss could be the simplest yet most profound remedy. More than just a sign of affection, it's a powerful mood-lifter and stress-buster. How does it work? Kissing triggers a biochemical reaction that releases endorphins - your body's feel-good chemicals - similar to the rush you feel after a good laugh or a session at the gym. It also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, bringing calm and reducing tension. So the next time life's pressures mount, remember the power of a kiss. It's a delightful way to brighten your day and ease your worries, showing how the simplest expressions of love can be incredibly transformative. 9. Kiss your way to burning calories Who knew a kiss could be a mini workout? Kissing may not replace time at the gym, but it does have calorie-burning benefits. A passionate kiss works several facial muscles, burning calories in the process. A deep kiss can activate up to 34 facial muscles, giving your metabolism a little boost and leading to calorie loss. Imagine burning 30 to 60 calories in a 30-minute make-out session - that's a guilt-free treat! This fun fact reminds us that pleasure and health can go hand in hand. Kissing adds a playful, romantic element to our wellness routines, proving that affection can also contribute to our fitness goals. So next time, remember that a kiss isn't just romantic. It's a sweet part of staying active. Who says fitness can't be fun? 10. A key to health and relationship longevity Dr Jen Carl, a respected health expert, offers a fresh perspective on the health benefits of kissing, highlighting its role beyond romance. According to Dr Carl, kissing is a powerful wellness tool that boosts the immune system, reduces stress and improves mental health, rivalling many traditional health practices. Importantly, Dr Carl points out that kissing strengthens relationships, with the release of oxytocin during a kiss strengthening emotional bonds and contributing to the longevity of relationships. This link between emotional intimacy and health underlines the value of incorporating simple acts of affection into our lives. Kiss yourself healthy When you consider that kissing touches our lives - from burning calories and relieving pain to boosting our mental health and strengthening our relationships - it becomes clear that this simple act is anything but trivial. Experts like Dr Jen Carl remind us that beyond the immediate joy and connection it brings, kissing has deep, multifaceted benefits for our well-being and the longevity of our relationships. She underscores the profound impact that affection and human connection have on our health, and invites us to embrace these moments not only for their romantic value, but for the significant role they play in our overall well-being. As we reflect on the insights and revelations about the power of kissing, let's carry forward the appreciation for the small, intimate gestures that enrich our lives in a big way. You don ́t have someone to Kiss? In Basel you can find the best kiss partners.

After being pictured knitting at the Olympics, champion diver Tom Daley put crochet and yarn back in the public eye. Keen knitter Dee Marques looks at the health benefits of this popular pastime – from reducing anxiety to improving cognitive function. Two years ago, I was browsing a crafts store website when something caught my eye. All I saw was a beautifully vibrant teal colour, and then I realised it was yarn. I really wanted to have that colour in my life, so I thought that if that meant learning to knit, so be it! I ordered the yarn, found some YouTube tutorials, and haven’t stopped knitting since. In fact, it turns out that my experience of falling in love with yarn and knitting is quite common. Indeed, knitting is going through quite a revival, with people of all ages turning to the craft and discovering the benefits it brings to their mental health. Let's look at why this traditional skill is so popular again and at some of the interesting health advantages knitting can bring you. Knitting: how it became hip When people think about knitting, they usually picture an old lady sitting in a rocking chair and making a pair of thick and furry socks! Well, although old ladies do, of course, still knit, this old-fashioned stereotype is gradually being replaced by a new reality: knitting is no longer just a 'housewifey' thing to do. The health benefits of knitting include reducing stress and anxiety Indeed, knitting is fast-shedding its fuddy-duddy image. Over the past few years it's gone from being seen as something traditional to something radical. Now, knitting is no longer associated with domesticity, but rather with a creative activity for men and women of all ages. For example, Facebook is full of knitting groups for guys, such as Men Who Knit. And the list of celebrities who are into knitting includes Russell Crowe, Christina Hendricks, and, more recently, Olympic bronze medallist Tom Daley – you may have spotted him in the crowd recently darning away during a swimming competition. “Knitting is going through a revival, and people of all ages are turning to the craft and falling in love with it – and the benefits it brings to their health.” A quick online search reveals lots of knitting clubs, as well as an endless Instagram feed where people from all over the world show off their skills and new creations. Some designers have started featuring incredibly creative knit garments that show how knitting is a match for unconventional personalities. Diver Tom Daley and one of his creations Instagram/madewithlovebytomdaley Furthermore, knitting has experienced a huge surge in popularity since the start of the pandemic. As millions of us found ourselves stuck at home with nothing to do due to lockdowns, knitting became a great way to learn a new skill and pass the time while doing something both creative and productive. In fact, during the past 18 months knitting stores have experienced a massive increase in sales and a surge in social media followers! Practical advantages of knitting So, before getting into the health benefits of knitting, here are some other reasons why it's such a cool hobby to indulge in: It’s affordable. You can get started with just a few knitting needles, yarn, and a couple of stoppers. If you don’t want to buy them new, charity shops have tons of knitting goodies at low prices. In fact, I was able to get started by spending just £5! I found a few used needles at a second-hand store, and a neighbour gave me her kit, which she didn’t use anymore due to arthritis. You can knit at home – and everywhere else you want. I made myself a pouch for my knitting tools and I make sure to always have it in my bag. That way, I can make progress on whatever I’m working on when I’m waiting at the GP surgery or at any other place where I know I have a long wait ahead of me. You don't need much space. When you start knitting, you’ll need to follow patterns. Unlike sewing patterns, which can be huge and take up a lot of space, knitting patterns can be easily downloaded from websites and they barely cover more than an A4-sized piece of paper. There are plenty of free patterns, too. Knitting is useful. Fancy a pair of fingerless gloves in your favourite colour? You can make them in one day. Want to make someone a handmade gift? Then knit a scarf, a beanie, or a wash cloth. When it comes to the practical side of knitting, nothing beats knowing that you can make your own clothes and accessories. The knitting community is friendly and supportive. Everyone knows what it’s like to be a beginner and the community if full of people offering help and support to newbies. Six key health benefits of knitting The health benefits of knitting are mostly linked to mental health. But since mind and body are closely connected, the health benefits of knitting could also extend to physical well-being. Here are six potential advantages: 1. Reduced stress and anxiety This is one of the greatest health benefits of knitting and the first to be noticed. Once you get 'in the flow' (and you will know when this happens!), knitting grabs all your attention and you become so absorbed in working row after row, that it takes your mind away from other worries. For me, knitting is synonymous with serenity, reducing both my anxiety and stress. 2. Improved cognitive function At first sight, it may seem that knitting is a simple and repetitive activity. But alternating your knit and purl stitches stimulates brain function. Studies carried out in older adults have shown that this type of productive mental engagement can benefit cognitive skills, including memory and reasoning. Linked to this, some research suggests that the cognitive demands of knitting can also reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s and dementia, as it keeps the brain cells fired up. More men than ever are discovering the health benefits of knitting shutterstock/Elmur 3. Improved self-confidence Knitting means creating something, and it’s empowering to go from being a consumer to being a producer. This gives knitters a boost of confidence and a feeling of accomplishment when seeing their work progress. Indeed, there’s a feeling of fulfilment involved in being able to wear or use what you made – doing something with your hands has healing power! And while we all know clinical depression requires professional support, studies have shown that knitting has can take negative thoughts off the mind and release serotonin, which helps fight depressive states. 4. A lesson in mindfulness Knitting requires focus and concentration in the present, one stitch at the time. This craft has been called 'the new yoga', since every knitting session is a great opportunity to disconnect from the outside world, slow down, and focus. Does this sound familiar? Yes, it’s similar to mindfulness, and so the health benefits of knitting are linked. “Studies have shown that knitting can take negative thoughts off the mind and release serotonin, which helps fight depressive states.” In fact, some people compare knitting to meditation and have even coined a new term for it: medknitation. Instead of repeating a mantra or focusing on their breathing, some knitters concentrate on the repetitive flow of knitting and are able to achieve a similar meditative state. The teacher of happiness.com's MBSR course, Tine Steiss, is an avid knitter and keen proponent of the hobby due to its many benefits: "Knitting keeps my hands busy and this is beneficial in two situations: I can listen more deeply, be it in a meeting, in a conversation or with an audio book or podcast. I don't then reach for my mobile phone, a snack, or some other form of distraction. RELATED: How to Practise Niksen – the Art of Doing Nothing “But knitting also helps me relax, or in other words, it's an excuse to relax. When my hands are busy, the brain no longer searches for things that need to be done. Unlike mindfulness meditation, where I'm actively exercising the brain in a form of focused stillness, when I'm knitting, the brain is casually chilling on the couch.” Happy knits from designer Lizzie Kaya Instagram/gimme_kaya 5. It boosts dopamine and a feel-good effect Knitting can be frustrating when you’re a beginner. It took me a while to figure out how to undo mistakes, and until that happened, I was annoyed every time I got a stitch wrong. But it’s also incredibly rewarding. Seeing the progress of your work, gaining self-confidence, and being relaxed are all states that trigger dopamine. This substance is known as the feel-good hormone, and it has a beneficial effect on body and mind. The release of dopamine can help regulate mood, sleep, digestion, blood flow, and many other important functions that contribute to the fabulous health benefits of knitting. RELATED: Happiness Hormones – the Neurochemicals of Happiness 6. A sense of control Most of us have felt things getting out of control over the past year or so. Instead of dwelling on the negative state of things, choosing to spend time doing something over which you do have control can help improve your well-being. Start with an easy project so that you can experience that wonderful feeling of being in control of what can be controlled. To sum up, knitting is another coping tool you can add to your arsenal. Emotional well-being is one of the health benefits of knitting that everyone should experience. The takeaway: why knitting benefits your health The therapeutic effects of knitting range from reduced stress to better cognitive functioning, self-confidence, and the ability to focus on the present moment. You can experience the health benefits of knitting whether your knit alone or as part of a group. It doesn’t take much to get started, and once you get hooked, you’ll never look back! ● Main image: shutterstock/Samo Trebizan Are you a keen knitter? What health benefits does it give you? Share your thoughts and designs with the happiness.com community in the comments below... happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Stress management | Sculpturing | Dementia | Painting Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Self-forgiveness is important for our mental health and overall well-being, research suggests. Sonia Vadlamani explains the seven steps you can take to learn how to forgive yourself and move forward to lead a happier, more meaningful life. ‘To err is human, but to forgive is divine’ as the age-old saying goes. Indeed, it’s a fact of life that we all make mistakes. However, learning from these errors, letting go of the negative emotions attached to them – such as guilt, resentment, shame – and moving on by practising self-forgiveness is crucial for our well-being and happiness. Forgiveness, or the deliberate choice to let go of anger, regret or revenge towards someone who may have wronged you, can be a helpful healing tool. However, often people don’t realize that forgiving themselves is a viable choice that they can put in practice. In addition, while forgiving others for their wrongdoings can come easily to us, we usually find it much harder to condone our own mistakes from the past and practise self-forgiveness. Contrary to what you may assume, self-forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook for your past bad behavior. It doesn’t even mean that the action you regret needs to be tolerated further or forgotten. Instead, forgiving yourself entails accepting and taking accountability for your misdirected actions, thoughts or feelings. Indeed, self-forgiveness involves knowing that you can’t change your past behaviour/s, but are willing to come to terms with the wrongful act and consequently, let go of the past. Why self-forgiveness is essential Self-forgiveness does not always come easy, as it requires us to acknowledge and accept some uncomfortable facts or feelings. However, it is essential to know how to forgive yourself, as dwelling in negative feelings like guilt, shame, frustration and anger can take a toll on our mental health and physical well-being. Dwelling in these feelings can lead to self-hatred, impacting our well-being and happiness levels. In fact, research points out that the ability to forgive yourself with greater ease is directly linked to higher overall well-being levels. Additionally, researchers Michael Wohl et al suggest that higher levels of self-forgiveness can also serve as a protective shield from conditions like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. Self-forgiveness is linked to higher levels of happiness Indeed, self-forgiveness entails some degree of cognitive reframing of one’s views about themselves. Researcher Margaret R Holmgren suggests that the ability to forgive ourselves allows us to recognize our intrinsic worth and its independence from our wrongdoing. This means that over time and with consistent practice, we can forgive ourselves with greater ease and lead a stress-free, productive and meaningful life. How to forgive yourself: 7 steps Forgiveness doesn’t just benefit others you’ve wronged or were unfair to, but is beneficial for you as well. In fact, self-forgiveness allows you to develop deeper perception regarding your actions and thoughts. Learning how to forgive yourself enables you to move forward with a better understanding of how you react in different situations, strengthening your resolve to prevent such behavior in the future. Learning how to forgive someone How to let go of resentment 12 ways to practise self-acceptance Indeed, forgiving yourself constitutes an important part of correcting your wrongful actions or behavior for the future course. However, research points out that self-forgiveness doesn’t happen unintentionally, but is a conscious effort that relies on a carefully devised, stepwise approach. Here are seven steps suggested to help you exercise self-forgiveness, including undertaking suitable actions for making necessary changes in your behavior. 1. Define what forgiveness means to you Self-forgiveness holds different meanings for different people, even though the end goal remains the same, which is to come to terms with our actions or feelings from the past, instead of wallowing in regret, guilt or shame. Our definition of self-forgiveness usually stems from our personal beliefs, value systems, family, religious ideology, etc. “It is essential to know how to forgive yourself, as dwelling in negative feelings like guilt, shame, frustration and anger can take a toll on our mental health and physical well-being.” For example, for me, I’ve understood over the years that self-forgiveness involves coming clean and apologizing sincerely to the person I may have hurt, no matter how difficult or trivial it may seem at the time. Understand what forgiveness means to you and proceed to define it in a clear manner, so that you can devise the approach that aligns best with your thought process and values. 2. Recognize your feelings This step requires you to sort through the various emotions you experience when you recollect a wrongful action committed in the past and acknowledge the feelings you identify with the most at the moment. Set aside some time to experience each feeling without any judgment, as you recount your wrongful action or unfair behavior that’s bothering your conscience. Resist the temptation to deny acknowledgement of your feelings due to shame or guilt, as ignoring these emotions can cause further inner turmoil. On the other hand, acknowledging these feelings will help you gain a deeper insight, allowing you to forgive yourself and possibly prevent such situations from arising in the future. 3. Take responsibility for your actions This may prove to be the most challenging step, especially because accepting the fact that you made a mistake or acted unfairly isn’t always an easy feat. However, it can’t be denied that acknowledging your mistakes and assuming responsibility for the same is the steadiest way to forgive yourself for your unjust behavior in the past. Taking the time to acknowledge your missteps also allows you to gain an in-depth perspective about your reaction to various stimuli and vulnerabilities. This will enable you to move forward in life and may help improve your composure during unforeseen situations in the future. 4. Apologize with sincerity A sincere, heartfelt apology makes a significant impact when it comes to self-forgiveness or forgiving others, according to a 2021 study from Japan's Kobe Gakuin University. Researchers there reviewed the effect of different types of apologies on various conflict resolution situations. Apologizing for your actions conveys your regret regarding the pain you may have inflicted on someone. It shows that you reflected on your mistake, acknowledge the emotions of someone who was wronged, and are willing to act in a different way in the future to avoid a similar mistake. Apologizing to others help with your own self-forgiveness shutterstock/fizkes 5. Draw focus onto the lessons learnt Forgiving yourself will truly be possible when you’re ready to learn from your mistakes and wrongful acts in the past. Instead of constantly criticizing or condemning yourself, strive to understand what causes the behaviors which you may later regret. Learn from your vulnerability, fears and failures by reflecting on questions like, “Why does this situation lead me to act in a certain manner?”, “How can I deal with this situation more gracefully?” or “How do I rectify my default reaction should this scenario arise again?” 6. Make meaningful amends Once you’ve acknowledged your mistakes and apologized, consider what else you can do to resolve the mistake, and devise an action plan to achieve it. For instance, when I realized that sometimes my witty quips end up offending or hurting people around me, I decided to simply be more mindful about the way I put my thoughts into words. After all, there isn’t a way to take back the words we’ve already uttered, but it’s possible to prevent the hurt and misunderstandings if we communicate respectfully and with kindness in the first place. “Higher levels of self-forgiveness can also serve as a protective shield from conditions like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety.” Bringing about meaningful changes in your behavior and actions can help you shift your focus from mistakes of the past to working towards a more effective solution for the future. 7. Be compassionate Have you ever noticed that we tend to be harder on ourselves, and find it easier to forgive others than ourselves for the wrongs of the past? Carole Pertofsky, Director Emerita for Wellness and Health Promotion at Stanford University, implies that we are prone to self-criticism and tend to judge ourselves harshly while mistaking it for self-discipline, which makes it difficult for us to exercise self-compassion. “Self-forgiveness is treating yourself as you would treat your own friend,” Pertofsky told Scope, the Stanford Medicine magazine. “It is a skill that involves mind, body, heart and action,” she continues. Indeed, we can learn to treat ourselves with compassion by embracing our imperfections and work towards living a life without regret. Takeaway: self-forgiveness Self-forgiveness may not come easily to most of us, as it needs us to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings, and serves to remind us of our flawed nature. However, coming to terms with your imperfections and forgiving yourself for any wrongdoing can positively impact several areas of your life. Learning how to forgive yourself with greater ease is an essential skill that requires some introspection and practice. Implementing these steps for self-forgiveness in practice will equip you to act more responsibly in the future, in addition to teaching you to exercise mindfulness and inculcate gratitude in everyday life. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Communication skills | Trust | Empathy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Failure to self-validate can lead to problems such as impulsive behaviour and the inability to manage emotional responses. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores why many of us fail at self-validation and offers five ways to develop the skills to do it successfully. Most of us are great at validating others. We acknowledge their emotions, recognize effort and success, and support individualism and self-expression. However, the majority of us are equally lousy at self-validation. We all get angry, disappointed, sad, jealous, scared, demotivated. Ideally, one would accept and be able to regulate these emotions. Instead, many people immediately think: “I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m being ridiculous!” As a result, coping with different experiences becomes exceptionally challenging. Reactions seem to be out of control. If you struggle with similar issues, you probably haven’t mastered the art of self-validation. The ability (or inability) to validate ourselves intertwines with much of what we go through in life. In this article, we'll give you five ways to develop self-validation so you can get to grips with this essential skill. Why self-validation is essential In simple terms, self-validation is accepting your own internal experience: your thoughts and feelings. Validation and self-validation are widely acknowledged problems in psychology, philosophy and sociology. The roots of the problem of self-validation lie in the vital human need to be recognized and supported. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • According to Iser’s work in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, recognition has critical psychological importance. Others’ feedback is essential for one’s practical identity to form. We could also touch upon Hegel’s concept of ‘struggle for recognition’. In its simplest, it points us towards understanding the source of our need to be validated. When we are misrecognized by others, our relationship with ourselves is hindered or even destroyed. Self-validation is accepting your thoughts and feelings shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Such strength of humans’ need to be validated by others led many thinkers to voice the significance of self-validation. Rare is a psychologist or a philosopher that would dispute the ultimate value of autonomy and authenticity. The independence that comes with the capacity to be one’s own judge could be expressed with a quote by Fromm: “Obedience to my own reason or conviction (autonomous obedience) is not an act of submission but one of affirmation. My conviction and my judgment, if authentically mine, are part of me. If I follow them rather than the judgment of others, I am being myself.” - Erich Fromm, On Disobedience Real-life outcomes of lacking self-validation skills In slightly more practical terms, the inability to self-validate could lead to a range of adverse outcomes: Negating your thoughts and emotions could lead to a paradoxical effect in which you are even more affected by them, as research has demonstrated. When you deny and suppress your inner experiences, you lose control over them. You could think of it as an instruction to not think about a pink elephant. Your cognition still rests on the negated content. You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life because a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation. You could be more prone to risky behaviours, addictions, eating disorders, to name a few. Your interpersonal skills could also suffer, leading to a range of other problems in your career or relationships. Your love life and friendships could be chaotic, codependent and intensely challenging for everyone involved. “You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life as a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation.” Finally, you might be vulnerable to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, PTSD and other emotional disturbances. When you cannot validate yourself, you are driven to maladaptive coping. This, however, eventually leads you far away from well-being and mental health. Why do we have a hard time to self-validate? There is no definitive response to the question above. A few things could have happened. Attachment style If the inborn need to be safe, cared for, and recognized was unfulfilled, we might have become unable to self-validate. For example, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. How your parents interacted with you as a child serves as a blueprint for your adult relationships. You might not have learned to be self-sufficient and recognize your worth. As children, we need adequate support from our caregivers to develop a sense of security about our emotions, decisions and actions. Research reveals that people with an anxious attachment style have a strong need for social approval. In other words, they need others to validate them. Modelling Another option was that your caregivers did not make it possible for you to mimic self-validation. When we are children, we acquire many traits and habits by modelling. If your primary attachment figure invalidated themselves, you probably learned to do the same. Research shows that emotional and behavioural self-validation and self-regulation are skills that are transferred from a parent to a child. Adult trauma You might have also started doubting yourself due to a traumatic experience at any point in your life. Both anecdotal reports and scientific studies confirm that being a victim of abuse, for example, could make you doubt your self-efficacy and self-worth. Most importantly, your readiness to accept, experience and address your emotions could have been disturbed. When one is in an abusive relationship, they gradually lose their sovereignty. Self-validation becomes a distant memory. Five ways to develop self-validation Although the potential outcomes of a lack of self-validation sound rather bleak, you should not feel discouraged: it is a skill that can be developed. Even if your early experience geared you towards invalidating yourself, you now have the opportunity to change that. Here are five tips to develop self-validation. 1. Practise mindfulness Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen, to validate them. Being present is the first level of validation. This means acknowledging your inner experience without avoidance or distraction. Mindfulness will help you regain grasp over your emotions and build up strength to cope with them. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • Evidence from fMRI studies supports this argument. Individuals who were grieving a loss of a loved one were taught mindfulness techniques for eight weeks. When they were tested afterwards, their scores revealed a significantly better ability to regulate emotions. They also had fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and grief. fMRI suggested that the participants learned to gain cognitive control over their feelings. They were no longer overwhelmed by them. 2. Be brutally honest with yourself Being imperfect stings, we know. Accepting imperfection is exceptionally difficult for most people. Especially so if they were taught that being great at something equals being worthy. If your parents and social environment were too demanding, it might have resulted in unhealthy perfectionism. Such a form of perfectionism has adverse effects on mental health, as confirmed in empirical research. If your sense of self-worth is equated to being flawless, you might have a tough time even noticing (let alone accepting) your blemishes. Nonetheless, when you want to learn the art of self-validation, you need to be brutally frank with yourself. Notice the emotions and thoughts you don’t feel proud of. Admit to yourself your shortcomings. Own up to your genuine reactions and experiences. Yes, there will be many unpleasant facts. It’s alright – no one is watching. It's possible to develop self-validation skills shutterstock/Prostock-studio 3. Develop your emotional intelligence Although there are a few relevant emotional intelligence (EI) models, Goleman’s work is among the most popular ones. He proposes that EI consists of five constructs: self-awareness, self-regulation, social skill (being able to get along with others), empathy and motivation. You can notice how EI is necessary for your ability to self-validate. With EI comes the ability to reflect on your experiences and emotions. Luckily, EI is a skill that can be learned. Therefore, to master self-validation, start developing your EI. When you can accurately name what you are feeling, you can then start to acknowledge and accept your emotional response. As a result, you will build healthy relationships with others without needing their recognition to feel good or motivated. You will build emotional autonomy. 4. Connect with your body’s responses Some people have grown so detached from their inner world that they need to tap into their bodily reactions first. In this regard, some elements of body-centred psychotherapies could be used. According to this group of approaches to psychotherapy, the body is not just something we have. We are our bodies. “Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen.” This means we live as a whole, as an inseparable totality of body and mind. When we learn to validate who we are and what we experience, we should include our body’s responses into the equation. Where are your emotions? What does your body do when you feel in a certain way? How does it respond to people and events? What is it trying to tell you about yourself? You could try a body awareness meditation to help you get started. A combination of body awareness with mindfulness and accurate, honest reflection we suggested above will help you develop a sense of being rooted inside of your own experience. 5. Self-validate by acknowledging your past experiences The final piece of advice in developing self-validation skills is to learn to validate yourself by acknowledging your past experiences. They fused within yourself and made you into who you are now. You now need to practice recognizing both positive and adverse experiences – and their consequences. How will this help you practise self-validation? Let us say that you had an intense reaction to your partner’s criticism of something you did. Try not to think: “You acted like a cuckoo there!” You could self-validate this reaction by saying: “It’s understandable that you felt this way. Your mother/father would punish you harshly for failures, and you are still overly sensitive to criticism”. Use meditation to connect with body's responses shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk Such a validation does not mean that you condone erratic behaviour. It means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You also name the emotion and understand its cause. These are the first steps to get into a self-validating mindset. Additionally, these are the first steps towards growing as a person. These five steps build up towards self-validation development as taught in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). According to DBT, there are three steps to validate yourself and your emotions – acknowledge, accept and understand. This worksheet could help you practice self-validation in everyday situations, as well as with more intense or past emotions. Self-validate to autonomy Self-validation is freedom. Freedom to experience life as it is (yes, the ugliness, too). It gives you self-determination in picking your path. You get to do it independently of others’ influence, be it conscious or subconscious. When you learn to rely on yourself for validation, you gain the liberty to be genuine and own your experiences. Therefore, in the spirit of autonomy that we are propagating here, we invite you – acknowledge yourself and allow your authentic Self to exist! • Main image: shutterstock/Victoria Chadinova happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Are you considering volunteering? It's an important way to help individuals and communities in need. And, as Calvin Holbrook writes, the benefits of this altruistic act are proven by science. With most of us leading super busy lives, the idea of volunteering – giving your time and energy to a cause without financial reward – may seem an impossible task. I mean, how can we fit anything else into our already jam-packed schedules? However, volunteering is important for many reasons and doesn't have to take up too much time. And, in fact, the benefits of volunteering are vast for the volunteer – not just the community, individual or organization receiving their assistance. Indeed, it's these benefits that could partly explain the rise in popularity of volunteering over the past few years. During 2012-13, 29 per cent of adults in England, UK, said they had formally volunteered at least once a month. The figure in the United States is not far off, at around 25 per cent (with slightly more women volunteering than men). Promisingly, an increasing number of these people are young adults. In the UK, figures show that 2.9 million people in the 16 to 25-year-old age group volunteered during 2015, compared to 1.8 million in 2010: that’s a whopping 50 per cent increase. So, why the interest in volunteering? The Greek philosopher Aristotle once said that the essence of life is “to serve others and do good,” and it seems an increasing number of us are starting to wake up and see why volunteering is important. People are starting to understand how serving and helping each other and different communities benefits not just others but ourselves, too. Why is volunteering important? Volunteering is important as it offers essential help to worthwhile causes, people in need, and the wider community. Indeed, many organziations and charities rely on the generosity of volunteers as often they’re only part-funded through government or local councils, and cannot afford to pay salaries for all their staff. In fact, many companies depend almost solely upon teams of volunteers to help them thrive and do their work. So, what are the benefits of volunteering? Of course, the benefits of volunteering for those receiving help are clear. Whether it’s providing kids in a Third World country with free English classes or litter picking at your local beach, the benefits to the receiver and the wider community are usually part of the reason why you decide to volunteer in the first place. But did you realise just how important volunteering could be for the person doing it? In fact, volunteering is beneficial to the doer for a whole host or reasons, including stress reduction, combating depression and providing a sense of purpose. “Volunteering is important as it offers essential help to worthwhile causes, people in need, and the wider community.” And while studies do show that the more you volunteer, the more benefits you’ll experience, volunteering doesn’t have to involve a long-term commitment. Even giving in simple ways can help those in need and improve your overall health and happiness. So, let’s take a closer look at just why volunteering is important with seven key benefits of this altruistic act. 1. Volunteering connects you with others If you’re feeling lonely, isolated, or simply want to widen your social circle, volunteering in your local community is an important – and often fun – way to meet new people. In fact, one of the best ways to make new friends and strengthen existing relationships is to commit to a shared activity together, and volunteering lets you do just that. Volunteering is an important connection tool. © Professional/Shutterstock If you’ve recently moved to a new city or country, volunteering is an important and easy way to meet new people and it also strengthens your ties to that local community and broadens your support network. Furthermore, it connects you to people who have common interests and passions and who could go on to become great friends. RELATED: The importance of community – 7 key benefits In fact, volunteering is an important and interesting way to meet people who you might not normally connect with: people from different age groups, ethnicities or social groups. Because volunteering is open to everyone, it allows you to meet a wide variety of people from all sorts of walks of life, something that can only open your eyes further. 2. Volunteering builds self-confidence and self-esteem Doing good for others and the community helps to create a natural sense of accomplishment. And working as a volunteer can also give you a sense of pride and identity, helping to boost your self-confidence further by taking you out of your natural comfort zone and environment. Indeed, volunteering helps you to feel better about yourself, which you can then take back to your ‘regular’ routine, hopefully creating a more positive view of your own life and future goals. If you’re shy or fearful of new experiences, cultures and travel, volunteering overseas could be an important and insightful way to help you build self-confidence in this area too (not forgetting the other benefit of this type of volunteering – a chance to see a bit of the world at the same time!). • JOIN US! Sign-up to happiness.com and connect to a caring community • Research shows that volunteering could be particularly useful and important in boosting the self-esteem and confidence of adolescents who are just starting out on their life journey. A 2017 study from the University of Missouri and Brigham Young University that included almost 700 11- to 14-year-olds examined how sharing, helping and comforting others affected self-confidence. The study found that altruistic behaviors may indeed raise teens' feelings of self-worth and that adolescents who assisted strangers reported higher self-esteem one year later. “If you’re feeling lonely or simply want to widen your social circle, volunteering in your local community is an important – and fun – way to meet new people.” And a National Youth Agency report seemed to corroborate this evidence. In it, young people aged 11 to 25 “repeatedly stressed that volunteering had increased their self-confidence, self-esteem and self-belief.” This self-confidence boost was shown to be strongly linked to improved communication skills, especially amongst young volunteers who were previously nervous about meeting new people. 3. Volunteering is important for physical health... Interestingly, volunteering has distinct health benefits that can boost your mental and – perhaps more surprisingly – physical health. Indeed, a growing body of evidence suggests that people who give their time to others might benefit from lower blood pressure and a longer lifespan. A 1999 study showed that ‘high volunteers’ (helping out at two or more organizations) had a 63 per cent lower mortality rate than non-volunteers. And more recent research (2013) from Carnegie Mellon University found that adults over 50 who volunteered regularly were less likely to develop high blood pressure (hypertension) compare to non-volunteers. Hypertension is an important indicator of health as it contributes to stroke, heart disease and premature death. Volunteering has many important health benefits © shutterstock/Dragon Images Lead study author Rodlescia Sneed said that carrying out volunteer work could increase physical activity among those who aren’t normally very active, and that it could also reduce stress: “Many people find volunteer work to be helpful with respect to stress reduction, and we know that stress is very strongly linked to health outcomes.” Importantly, volunteers seem to notice these health benefits too. Indeed, a 2013 study from UnitedHealth Group and the Optum Institute of over 3,300 U.S. adults revealed that 76 per cent of those in the United States who volunteer said it makes them feel physically healthier. Also, around 25 per cent said that volunteering had been important in helping them manage a chronic health condition. 4. ...and mental health When it comes to volunteering being important for mental health, the benefits are clear. It can help counteract the effects of stress, depression and anxiety. Indeed, the social contact aspect of helping others can have a profound effect on your overall psychological well-being. Volunteering keeps you in regular contact with others and helps you develop a solid support system, which in turn combats against feelings of loneliness and depression. Volunteering with animals has also been shown to improve mood while reducing stress and anxiety. The social aspect of volunteering boosts mental health © Rawpixel/Shutterstock Finally, volunteering boosts mental health simply because carrying out an altruistic act makes you happier; the so-called 'helper's high'. Human beings are hard-wired to give to others, and by measuring so-called brain activity and happiness hormones, researchers have found that being helpful to others can deliver great pleasure. RELATED: The power of kindness A 2008 study from the London School of Economics examined the relationship between volunteering and happiness in a large group of American adults. The researchers found that the more people volunteered, the happier they were. Compared with people who never volunteered, the odds of being ‘very happy’ rose seven per cent among those who volunteer monthly and 12 per cent for those who volunteer every two to four weeks. 5. Volunteering is important for a sense of purpose Because volunteering means choosing to work without receiving monetary compensation, people often choose to give their time to issues or organisations they feel are important or have a special connection to. For example, if you're a big animal lover you may want to volunteer at a pet shelter. Or, perhaps you’ve living with or have recovered from an illness and want to dedicate some of your spare time to a charity that helps others living with the same condition. Volunteering like this helps address a social problem that is meaningful to you and in turn helps to build a sense of purpose, which furthermore boosts your own happiness. “When it comes to volunteering being important for mental health, the benefits are clear. It can help counteract the effects of stress, depression and anxiety.” You can try volunteering at any age to help build a sense of purpose, but it’s often particularly common in older adults – those that have retired or maybe lost a partner of friends. Whatever your age of life story, volunteering can be an important technique to help give your life new meaning and direction! 6. Volunteering helps you forget your own problems One other benefit of volunteering is that focusing on others can give us a deeper sense of perspective and help distract us from negative thoughts and help stop rumination. Volunteering often involves helping those in need and can be useful in showing us that, in fact, our own lives are not as bad as we thought they were. 7. Volunteering is important for your career In an increasingly competitive job market, volunteering experience can be incredibly useful. It shows potential employers that you can take initiative and that you’re willing to give your own time to improve the world for other people. • JOIN US! Volunteer and shine your light at happiness.com • Furthermore, volunteering gives you the opportunity to practice important common skills used in the workplace, such as communication, teamwork, problem solving, planning and organization. Indeed, if you haven’t had a full-time job before then volunteering is an essential way to prove your skills when you do go for work interviews. Boost job prospects as a volunteer © shutterstock/Monkey Business Images Also, if you’ve just graduated or looking for your first job, volunteering is an important and relatively easy way to get a foot in the door of a company you’d like to work with. Even if there's no immediate chance of employment afterwards, volunteering can help you to make connections for the future. RELATED: Six steps to real happiness at work Alternatively, if you’ve already had jobs and are considering a change of direction, volunteering is an important and fun way to try out different career options, especially if you’re not quite sure of where you want to go next. Indeed, volunteering offers you the chance to try out a new career without making a long-term commitment! Conclusions: the importance of volunteering It's clear the benefits of volunteering are huge – improved physical and mental health, new friends and avoiding loneliness, a sense of purpose and deeper self-confidence. In turn, all of these things will help to boost your overall happiness: a win-win situation for all involved. If you're considering volunteering, ask yourself a few questions before taking the plunge. Firstly, really think about which causes you're passionate about – it means you're more likely to enjoy and stay committed to the work. Secondly, are you looking for regular volunteering opportunities or would you prefer a one-off project? Thirdly, what skill set can you offer and what can you hope to gain from volunteering? Good luck when you finally get going, and make sure you have fun – volunteering is important – the benefits are clear – but it's important to enjoy it too! • Main image: Rawpixel/Shutterstock Have you ever or do you still volunteer now? What are the benefits for you? What did you enjoy most about it? The happiness.com community would love to hear your story below... happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy classes Kindness | Motivation | Learning | Altruism Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our online magazine, makes art and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage!

Life is seldom smooth-sailing. Sonia Vadlamani shares some helpful, research-backed ways that can make navigating through life obstacles a great deal easier... and even enjoyable! Life is hard sometimes, as we’re all aware. A random analysis of any given week would present the various hassles we often come across: a flat tire, an unexpected expense, a flu that puts a dent in your plans for the week, an incomplete to-do list – you get the picture. As a matter of fact, these challenges seem to multiply as we grow older. We assume we have it all under control, until we’re suddenly mired amidst one too many adversities and unforeseen hardships like major health conditions, loved ones suffering or passing away and the grief that follows, having to end a friendship, relationship breakdowns, to name but a few. I’m no stranger to the realization that life will always remain unpredictable despite all my thorough planning, and there will always be contingencies which I couldn’t have scheduled. For instance, I thought I had mapped out my plans for 2020 to the last detail, when COVID-19 pandemic struck, and changed my perspective about navigating through life events entirely. Not only did I have to cancel all my travel plans, but I lost an ailing grandfather who I nurtured a very affectionate relationship with. To add to my troubles, my gym, favorite hangout spots, friends and all social events we enjoyed became inaccessible due to the pandemic, leaving me feeling confused, restless and helpless. While I did still have plenty to be grateful for, life as I knew it had been altered dramatically, and I seemed to have no clue how to cope with such unprecedented times. However, in hindsight, it seems that like billions of other people throughout the world, I went about navigating through life and overcoming challenges with determination and resilience. Indeed, staying resilient and maintaining a positive disposition during a rough ride can prove to be cumbersome. Nevertheless, navigating through life becomes easier when we accept challenges as a chance to rise above our insecurities and fear of change. Navigating life: 10 helpful tips Sometimes, navigating through life with all its difficulties can seem like a daunting task. You may find yourself stuck with the feeling that you’re never good enough, or that life’s been unfair to you and you were cut a raw deal. Truth is, challenges arise in everyone’s lives, and no one can remain secure in their comfort zone for too long. But it’s entirely up to us as to how we go about to seek a happy, successful life. Here are ten science-backed rules to help us navigate through life’s challenges head-on, so we can lead happier, meaningful lives. 1. Be true to yourself Living in the digital era, it’s easy to get caught in the comparison trap and lose your sense of individuality sometimes. Indeed, authenticity in today’s technology-dominated times may seem like a risky move – especially when social media and other shaping forces in our lives, such as parents, teachers and peers may have told us to ‘fit in’ and conform – in order to feel a connection. As a result, we often hide our true selves due to the fear of rejection and judgment from others. Confronting – not avoiding – challenges is a key way to navigate life However, research suggests that authenticity is an integral part of happiness, and can boost one’s self-esteem, in addition to lowering stress levels. In fact, real, lasting connections are forged when we are true to ourselves. Indeed, cultivating your authentic self can seem challenging at first, but the rewards it enables you to reap – in the form of greater life satisfaction, strengthened interpersonal relationships, and a reinforced sense of purpose – make it all worth pursuing. 2. Confront challenges Life has a way of presenting us consistently with challenges that will assess our emotional mettle, be it in the form of injury, illness, loss, grief or an uncertain future. Accepting this can allow us to be fully present and relish the gifts we have in our lives this very moment, as we live each day with renewed appreciation, joy and lasting confidence in our own capabilities. “The happiest people I know are dedicated to dealing with the most difficult problems,” reveals Rosabeth M Kanter, founding chair of Harvard Advanced Leadership Initiative, and author of Think Outside The Building. In fact, Kanter suggests dividing our challenges into two categories: the ones we’re dealing with immediately, and those which give us a “chance to make a difference”. The latter helps us look at hurdles in a new light, making us better equipped for navigating through life with a sense of purpose. 3. Distinguish thoughts from fact Most of us are guilty of spending too much time ‘in our heads’ or being pre-occupied with our thoughts. According to research, humans are hardwired for negativity, which means that it’s natural for most of us to feel negative outcomes or emotions with a greater intensity than positive feelings. As a result, we end up navigating life with a penchant for overthinking, which can affect our mental health and stress levels adversely according to research. “Overcoming challenges forms an important part of navigating through life, and the ability to view a situation from a different vantage point can allow us to learn a great deal about ourselves.” To make matters worse, we often mistake overthinking for problem-solving. Whereas the truth is that rumination impacts our decision making, thus interfering with our problem-solving abilities. Instead of catastrophizing the challenges, you need to stop ruminating and embrace them as stepping-stones to personal growth. Acknowledging that you are not your thoughts will allow you to take control of your thoughts, and put a stop to the tedious mental chatter. 4. Change your perspective Stephen Joseph, professor of psychology and author of Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters, suggests that we change our perspective and consider challenges as “an important part of growing and developing as a person”. Indeed, overcoming challenges forms an important part of navigating through life, and the ability to view a situation from a different vantage point can allow us to learn a great deal about ourselves. Instead of living in denial in your comfort zone, we can gradually tune our minds to look at adversities as learning opportunities and face them head-on when they present themselves. Stepping back to get a better perspective, taking some time to clear your mind, and approaching the situation without rushing will enable you to gain newer insights. 5. Maintain a sense of humour Life can be a bumpy ride sometimes, and stress seems unavoidable given the daily hassles we experience, such as waiting times, unpleasant interactions with co-workers, deadlines, and failed plans. However, there is no need for a serious and skeptic demeanor all the times, and a little bit of humour and playfulness can go a long way to strengthen relationships and boost happiness levels. Infusing some humour in your daily life is a great way to prime your mind for optimism and navigate life with a positive attitude. 6. Be kind to yourself We often tend to beat ourselves up when things don’t go the way we planned. However, this cycle of self-criticism and ignoring the pain we feel seldom makes us feel any better. Compare this with how you’d treat a friend with love, kindness and encouragement when they face failure. Researcher Kristin Neff suggests that channeling self-compassion during tough times is crucial for overcoming challenges with an improved sense of connectedness and emotional balance. Indeed, being kind to yourself and treating yourself with love and compassion can make navigating through life an easier, happier feat. 7. Persistence is key While everyone adapts differently to a challenge or an adverse situation, one rule that holds true for everyone is that it’s never too late to get back on track to achieve your goals. Avoid the temptation to give up – researchers suggest that deserting your purpose or circumventing your goals can be emotionally painful, possibly resulting in grief-related distress or even depression. Cultivating persistence pays off without fail, as long as you set realistic goals and continue to put efforts in the right direction. Stay persistent and focused on achieving your dreams 8. Remember happiness is a journey, not a destination You may have noticed how accomplishing goals makes us happy but only for a limited time, as we then move on to the pursuit of happiness in the form of the next milestone. Psychologists refer to this tendency as the ‘happiness trap’, wherein one maintains an unrealistic purview of happiness, in addition to constantly comparing their happiness levels with that of others. “Being kind to yourself and treating yourself with love and compassion can make navigating through life an easier, happier feat.” However, researchers and philosophers stress the importance of viewing happiness as a journey not a destination that needs to be chased relentlessly. Indeed, it’s important to take the time to pause and smell some roses along the way. Navigating through life gets easier when we view happiness as a choice we can make consciously, and cultivating happy habits that can raise our well-being levels in a consistent manner. 9. Remain thoughtful, kind and gracious Difficult times warrant the need for human kindness more than ever, and it helps to treat others the same way we want to be treated. Expressing thankfulness, apologizing genuinely, complimenting others without an agenda, and offering support and encouragement in times of need helps strengthen our connection with others. Developing a reputation for being grateful, compassionate and kind can help you build lasting relationships that you can depend on whilst navigating life’s difficulties. 10. Devise and uphold your personal boundaries Personal boundaries are a measure of your self-esteem and help ensure that you aren’t vulnerable to being used or mistreated by others around you. Devising and establishing clear, strong boundaries in place helps foster trust and loyalty, thereby strengthening relationships. Healthy boundaries are not just about being able to express your views and needs assertively but are also helpful for navigating through life in a more efficient manner. Takeaway: navigating life As we all know from experience, life has its ups and downs. Most of also realize that we seek happiness, meaningful connections and fulfillment of our purpose as we navigate through it. Practising mindfulness, being accountable for your words and actions, developing an attitude of gratitude, and being present instead of worrying about the future can make navigating life easier – and more importantly – enjoyable. • Main image: shutterstock/fizkes happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Friendship Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Self-acceptance can be difficult, especially when we compare ourselves to others. But knowing your strengths and being happy with your flaws has real benefits. Arlo Laibowitz answers the question 'what is self-acceptance?' and shares 12 tips to help develop your self-love. Self-acceptance, self-love and improvement. It sounds like a great idea to strengthen our skills and habits. But, in fact, it can have a negative impact on us if we're constantly asking ourselves what we should do or should be all the time. Often, our inner critic makes a judgement that we're not good enough, and we don’t accept ourselves as we are at that moment. That can be a problem, because one of the most significant factors to be happy and to feel satisfied with life is self-acceptance. OK, what is self-acceptance exactly? Self-acceptance is: The awareness of your strengths and weaknesses The realistic appraisal of your talents, capabilities, and worth The feeling of satisfaction with your self, despite flaws and regardless of past choices Benefits of self-acceptance include: Mood regulation A decrease in depressive symptoms, the desire to be approved by others, fear of failure, and self-critique An increase in positive emotions, sense of freedom, self-worth, autonomy, and self-esteem .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } X Watch and learn: learn self-love and accepting yourself How to practise self-acceptance? Check out the video above and read below for 12 clear steps to being able to truly accept ourselves: 1. Become self-aware and set an intention Recognize your thoughts, feelings and pain, welcome them, and separate yourself from them. Then set the intention that you're willing to accept yourself in all aspects. 2. Celebrate your strengths And accept your weaknesses. Thinking about your strengths, ask yourself a few key questions: what are the traits that always earn you compliments? What areas of work do you excel at? What are your unique talents? Making a list of your strengths and past achievements and re-reading them when you are having an off moment is a great way to practise self-acceptance. “Making a list of your strengths and achievements and re-reading them when you're having an off moment is a great way to practise self-acceptance.” Also, add to the list whenever possible. Instead of focuses on failures or mistakes (which is normal), replace that negative thought with a positive one about when you achieved something. 3. Consider the people around you In recognizing positive and negative reinforcement, and practicing your sense of shared humanity, for instance, through loving-kindness meditation. 4. Create a support system Surround yourself with people that accept you and believe in you – and avoid those that don't. Indeed, quality relationships are key to happiness and acceptance of self. In a landmark 75-year, multigenerational study, Robert Waldinger measured happiness levels in people from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. The most joyful were those with high-quality social connections. Friend focus: surround yourself with people that accept you for you 5. Forgive yourself This can be a tough one to conquer, but learning to move on from past regrets and accepting that you were the best possible you at that moment is a key step to self-acceptance. Indeed, even if we’ve become pretty good about being able to forgive others, self-forgiveness seems to be much more difficult. • STRUGGLING TO ACCEPT YOURSELF? Join our community and find support • So, in order to forgive ourselves, we first need to admit to ourselves that we made a mistake. Take ownership and acknowledge your error — then, try to retain what you learned from the event but release everything else (here's how to stop ruminating over things you cannot change). Try to appreciate those missteps for what they actually are: a stepping stone on your life path. Also, remind yourself that mistakes and failures are part of being human. In fact, it’s how we learn and grow. 6. Realize that acceptance is not resignation Acceptance is letting go of the past and things we cannot control. You can then focus on what you can control, and empower yourself further. 7. Quiet your inner critic And stop rating yourself against others. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy,” and today this rings truer than ever. One way is to try to avoid scrolling endlessly through social media channels and comparing your life to that of others. Remember, people only tend to present and project the positive images of their lives – you never really know how people are feeling behind the scenes. 8. Grieve the loss of unrealised dreams Perhaps you've found yourself in a job you don't enjoy, an area you never wanted to live in, or single when you’ve always dreamed of being settled with a partner. Whatever it is, we often wonder what dreams are worth holding onto and whether, in fact, it's time to just let go. “One of the most significant factors to be happy, and overall feel satisfied with your life, is self-acceptance.” And when it is time to let go, it's not always easy. For some of these plans, giving them up can lead to freedom. But for other unrealized dreams, there can be deep grief involved. Whatever your situation, realize that letting go of unrealized dreams doesn't stop you dreaming of new situations and aspirations for your future! Reconcile who you are with the ideal image of your youth or younger self and grab hold of what's coming next. RELATED: The 8 types of grief explained 9. Perform charitable acts Give to others through volunteering and recognize how you can help and make a difference in others’ lives. The benefits of kindness are scientifically proven and both mental and physical. 10. Speak to your highest self The inner voice that has compassion, empathy, and love, to others, and to yourself. Follow our 12 steps and learn how to practice self-acceptance 11. Be kind to yourself Cultivate self-compassion, in not judging yourself, or over-identifying with self-defeating thoughts or behaviour. Take care of your mind and body. 12. Keep believing in yourself Use positive self-talk and practice PERT: Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique when times are tough. The path to self-acceptance can be rough and bumpy. There will be times that current external circumstances, past experiences, and our programming make it hard or impossible to accept ourselves. If this happens, there's no shame in seeking help – from a loved one or a professional – when things get too hard. In the end, the greatest gift you can give yourself is self-acceptance. In the words of psychologist Tara Brach: “Imperfection is not our personal problem – it is a natural part of existing. The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” By learning how to practice self-acceptance and self-love, we can learn to live with our imperfections and be truly free and happy. ● Main image: mimagephotography/shutterstock happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Self-Care | Acceptance | Letting go | Compassion Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Authenticity can seem like a risky venture in the current screen-obsessed age, wherein we constantly strive to fit in and be accepted by others. Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s necessary to let go of the fear of being judged in order to cultivate an authentic life. Being authentic in this technology-dominated era can be challenging, especially when we’re constantly bombarded with messages of who we ‘ought to be’, what we ‘should’ desire and how we ‘must’ express ourselves. Consequently, many of us have at some point portrayed ourselves as who we think we are or want to be perceived as, rather than representing who we really are. The downside of portraying who we aren’t is that we’re telling ourselves that the real or true version of us isn’t worthy of being seen. This constant fear of being judged or rejected can chip away at our ability to be our most authentic self. Why is it difficult to overcome inauthenticity? As children, most of us were taught by parents, teachers and other shaping forces like society and religion to ‘fit in’ or conform to a prescribed set of rules and practices. As a result, we ingrain beliefs, thoughts and emotions and exhibit behaviors which allow us to ‘blend in’ and be accepted, be it to form connections, find love or pursue success. This need to fit in and do as we’re taught is stimulated by our “Adaptive Self”, which primarily plays the role of helping us function and coexist in the society in a purposeful way. However, in our constant struggle to carve our niche in the society as we balance our inner-selves and our outer aspects, sometimes we tend to suppress or hide our true selves. This can prevent us from activating our “Authentic Self” and living a meaningful life in tune with our values and purpose. What does being your authentic self involve? “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are,” states Brené Brown, research professor at University of Houston. Brown has spent decades studying shame, courage and vulnerability. Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen. Authenticity means embracing who you truly are Indeed, authenticity is a fundamental component of happiness. A study by Alex M Wood et al revealed that authenticity is an integral part of well-being. Being authentic can also improve self esteem as well as lower stress and anxiety. 8 ways to be your authentic self Discovering our authentic self is essential for happiness and forming meaningful connections. Reclaiming authenticity involves identifying our core values, letting go of borrowed notions of perfection, and changing our perspective to see vulnerability as an act of courage, instead of something to be avoided. Here are eight practical ways you can take steps to cultivate authenticity: 1. Identify your core values Creating a connection with our true nature is essential for building our authentic self. Start by identifying some values that are fundamental for you: which make you happy and which are the values you cannot absolutely compromise upon? Incorporating visualization meditation into your daily routine can help the process of value identification. For example, some of my core values for a happy and meaningful life are honesty and openness in relationships, kindness and empathy for myself and others, gratitude for the gifts I have in my life, along with constant learning for growth. Indeed, your core values arise from your own expectations, needs and experience, and need not be the same as anyone else’s. “Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen.” Once you list down your core values, break each one down into three actionable steps that will help you live these values better. Since I value honesty and openness in my relationships I try to practise mindfulness, deep listening and forgiveness, so that I can live in closer alignment with my core values. 2. Start making conscious decisions Sometimes, we wade through the day in auto mode without even contemplating if our thoughts and actions resonate with our authentic selves. Try observing yourself keenly to learn more about how you react to challenges, what motivates you, the nature of your social interactions, etc. Notice which behaviors and settings evoke responses from your Adaptive Self, and which of these responses feel authentic to you. Once you’ve spotted the discrepancies between your actions and values, you can utilize this self-awareness to devise conscious statements and actions that resonate with your authentic self. 3. Devise and uphold your boundaries “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect,” as Joan Didion, the renowned American writer famously quoted. Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable. Indeed, being your authentic self is not always easy, and living by your principles may require a few difficult conversations, a potential job switch, or even ending a friendship if necessary. RELATED: Uncomfortable truths – how to say 'no' However, by being honest about our boundaries, we’re indicating to our subconscious that it’s OK to not be perfect all the time, thus developing self-validation. Authenticity allows us to share our vulnerability with appropriate boundaries in place, ie, with people who have the same values as you, and those who you feel comfortable with. 4. Instill mindfulness Mindfulness can help you find happiness and contentment in the small joys that each day brings, thus boosting your mood and overall happiness levels. Additionally, being mindful allows you to observe and understand how you feel and react towards various stimuli in your environment. Keeping physical reminders of mindfulness quotes and practising mindful listening are some effective ways to improve self-awareness and slowly cultivate your authentic self. 5. Exercise compassion towards yourself and others Practising self-compassion allows us to be supportive, kind and accepting towards ourselves, in addition to boosting authenticity in relationships. That’s according to researcher Kristin Neff, who was the first to measure the construct for self-compassion. Practising loving-kindness meditation can prove to be an effective tool for reinforcing feelings of connection and kindness with oneself and others, thus aiding the development of one’s authentic self. Practising compassion unlocks authenticity shutterstock/imtmphoto 6. Embrace vulnerability We often shirk away from being authentic due to the fear of being potentially judged or getting distanced from people around us. Start by asking yourself what you are afraid may happen if you put yourself out there in a scenario that makes you feel vulnerable. Next, proceed to imagine what would happen if you avoided expressing your feelings or needs or asking for that raise that you think you undoubtedly deserve. Could the inability to share or express yourself potentially result in depression or self-sabotage? Thereupon, remind yourself why it’s important for you to live your authentic self by overcoming the vulnerability hangover. Further, you can formulate a rational approach or well-devised plan for expressing your feelings and needs, in a way that is in sync with your authentic self. 7. Practise letting go In her bestseller book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr Brown reveals that letting go plays an essential role in cultivating your authentic self. While Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability largely reveal that most people allow their inhibitions to take over due to the fear of being emotionally exposed, she came across a group of outliers who reacted differently to such potentially uncertain situations. Dr Brown calls these outliers ‘the wholehearted’, and she named this way of living the ‘wholehearted living’. “Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable.” According to her research, wholehearted living comprises of embracing imperfections and living life to one’s fullest potential, without letting the fear of other people’s opinions affect their beliefs and actions. Being your authentic self requires you to accept that what others think of you is none of your business, and cultivate the courage to let go of thought-patterns and limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. 8. Set goals for constant learning Developing a growth mindset and being open to self-improvement through ongoing learning can help you attain your authentic self at a sustained pace. Your goals need not just be related to the pursuit of wealth and success – in fact, research points out that non-materialistic life goals lead to happiness as surely – if not more consistently – than materialistic goals. An objective as simple as integrating awe into your daily life can inspire you to learn new things about yourself and life around you. Round-up: cultivating authentic self While we are conditioned from an early age to suppress or hide our authentic self, authenticity is essential for building a life that brings us meaning and joy. Examining our true self to develop authenticity can be a long and cumbersome process, but the rewards in terms of greater life satisfaction and improved relationships make it worth the effort. Main image: shutterstock/ESB Basic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Many of us are guilty of self-criticism, and this trait ultimately makes us weaker and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, pulls us to a larger, kinder place. Ann Vrlak explores the benefits of self-love meditation and gives you a practice to get started with. Self-love. Does the phrase make you relax and smile, or does it make you cringe? Your reaction to this question will tell you a lot about yourself and if self-love meditation is something you may want to try. Being critical of ourselves, having a lot of negative self-talk, is unfortunately all too common. But, that doesn’t make it any less damaging to our sense of well-being and happiness. Indeed, self-criticism is intimately linked with not feeling worthy of love. Somehow, somewhere along the line, many of us learned that we have to earn love, rather than it being our birthright. We feel we have to be perfect to be loved. The problem is there’s no such thing as human perfection. Interestingly, in a conversation with Western psychotherapists, the Dalai Lama was puzzled by the concept of “low self-esteem” – it was not something he recognized in Tibetan culture at all! Self-love: the two wings of meditation Your head and your heart are the two wings of meditation. The head provides step-by-step practices, context and an understanding of the goals of meditation. The heart is the environment, the space you bring to meditation. If you follow a practice, step by step, but feel unloving and self-critical, it will be an ineffectual practice indeed, not to mention a subtle kind of self-punishment. Better not to meditate at all! Reduce tension and build strength through self-love meditation Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others. And don’t be fooled: self-love builds strength. Self-love or self-compassion has an undeserved reputation as being weak or self-indulgent. Not so. Indeed, one expert in self-compassion, Kristen Neff, makes the case for the opposite: that it builds resilience, self-awareness and compassion for others. What are the benefits of self-love meditation? Here are just a few of the advantages to practising self-love meditation. Incorporate it into your daily schedule and you should start to feel some of the following benefits: 1. Reduces tension and anxiety Self-criticism or self-judgment feels just like criticism or judgement from someone else. It causes anger, sadness or even fear, and causes tension and anxiety. Practising self-love meditation literally helps your nervous system relax and feel safe. 2. It feels better! Continuing on from the last point: who would you prefer to spend time with? Someone who criticizes what you think, how you look, how you act? Or, someone who’s curious about you, is kind, and treats you with respect and compassion? If you prefer the latter – spoiler alert! – you can treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? 3. Brings your unconscious self-criticism into the light Many, many people resist self-love meditations. Why? Because, as I’ve already mentioned, self-criticism is seen as “normal,” to some extent at least. There are many possible reasons for this that are outside the scope of this article! For now, it’s enough to know that practising self-love meditation will show you where you are on the spectrum of self-love to self-criticism. If you are nearer to the self-criticism end, that is not something to criticize yourself for. “Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others.” Meditation is a tool for self-knowledge. If your self-love meditation shows you your unconscious habit of negative self-talk, it’s OK, you’re not alone! You can start to notice this self-talk, how it makes you feel and how it affects what you do. And if you want to make things better. 4. Builds strength Self-criticism essentially makes you smaller and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, takes you to a larger, kinder viewpoint on yourself. You see your ‘weaknesses’ or limitations without feeling threatened by them. This makes change and growth something you’re naturally drawn to do – you can choose it consciously from a healthy place. 5. Rest our minds We use our minds so much, we can forget to feel. It’s healthy to ‘unplug’ your mind and remember what is most important to you. Is it to feel happy? To feel safe and loved? A self-love meditation is a simple and powerful way to take quality time for yourself, let your mind rest and immerse yourself in love and respect. A self-love meditation practice You can do this practice sitting or lying down. Get comfortable and start by following your breath for a few minutes. When you’re feeling relaxed, notice any emotions you’re having in the moment. In particular, is there any slight feeling of upset or unhappiness that you can find? For your first few sessions of the practice, it’s best to work with something small, but you be the judge of what you’re up for. If nothing comes up right now, you can bring to mind a recent situation that caused you a bit of emotional turmoil. For a few breaths, notice where that emotion is located. You might feel sadness in your throat, for example, or anger in your solar plexus. See where you physically feel your emotion most strongly. Be specific. And notice the thoughts that accompany the emotion. Do you have thoughts of self-blame, regret or unworthiness? Now, repeat one of the following statements silently or out loud. If none of the statements feel right to you, that’s OK. See if you can find another that fits and has the same message of attention and caring. Here’s the first statement. “I see you [name your emotion]. That sounds really hard, I’m sorry.” Here’s another: “I’m here. Stay as long as you like [name your emotion], you’re welcome here.” Or: “I see you [name your emotion]. I love you.” If you have resistance to these statements, welcome to the club! See if you can feel the intention and meaning of one of these statements, even for a few seconds. What does it feel like to turn toward your own discomfort with a caring attention, rather than turning away from it, or minimizing or judging it? And if you just can’t feel any self-love toward yourself, toward your own pain, does that evoke some self-compassion in you? How hard is it to move through life in this way? When you feel resistance or judgement about the practice itself, include that, too: “I see you resistance. That must be hard. I’m sorry.” You can picture someone you care about having the emotion you’re experiencing. Can you feel the compassion you naturally want to give them and direct it to yourself? Is it actually true that they are worthy of love, but you are not? It helps to realize your common humanity: whatever upsetting or difficult emotion you’re experiencing right now, there are people all over the world experiencing the same thing. Suffering in big and small ways is just part of being human; it’s not a punishment. Recognizing that many of us are worried about our aging parents or about losing our job can soften your heart toward yourself and others. Keep feeling your uncomfortable emotion and saying your loving statement. If the words just get in the way, just see if you can feel love in your heart. Let love come into contact with your suffering. Continue the practice as long as it feels comfortable, watching and listening closely for how self-love feels for you. Conclusion: self-love meditation Self-love meditation can uncover perspectives and insights that you can’t see when you’re criticizing yourself. Do this practice as a kind of call and response. Send out self-love in your chosen statement and watch for a response. If you’re not used to sending yourself love, the response could be very small or very fleeting – part of you may not “believe” what you’re sending or not want to accept it. So, really watch for, listen to, and feel any response from your heart and body: a softening, a sense of relief, a bit of gratitude. Those small signs are seeds you can nurture each time you practice self-love meditation. Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Burnout | Stress management | Mindfulness Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

We all get down on ourselves sometimes, but if you're stuck in a rut and thinking “I hate my life”, then it's time to take action. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares 10 practical ideas to help put your life in perspective and turn things around so you can start loving it again... “I hate my life!” Does this statement (or, rather, exclamation bellowed in agony) resonate with you now or in the past? Then you are not alone. Life can be joyous, exhilarating and breathtaking. However, it is also unpredictable. Challenges arise, we make wrong decisions, difficulties get hurled our way. A part of life is to dislike some of it. You might have married the wrong person, and now you loathe your time together. Maybe you were hit by an economic crisis and cannot make ends meet. You could be chronically overworked, not having the time to do anything else. Sometimes it seems only logical to hate your life. I lived in that state for many years. And I do not mean a teenage “I hate my life!” exclamation when you embarrass yourself in front of the entire class. I'm talking about the darkest loathing of every waking moment. I know how your soul grows black when you feel inescapably hopeless and helpless. Why did I share that with you? Because I want you to know that what you will read is not empty talk. I have travelled the path, and I did so very recently. You, too, can swim back to the surface. How? Read on for some ideas on how to fight the antipathy you nurture towards your own life — and fall back in love with it. Stop hating, start reclaiming Hating your life is not a pretty state to be in. Wrong choices and regret tend to put you off course. I remember when I noticed my life suddenly starting to lose all its colours. I felt lost. I was paralysed by the revulsion when I catalogued all my failures that made my life unenjoyable, to say the least. If you have had enough of loathing, start reclaiming your life. It may be a long road to travel. Still, you are bound to become sager afterwards — not to mention happier. 1. Take time to reflect The very first step you need to take is to understand why you hate your life. It may be obvious, like having a job that drains your energy and has no higher purpose whatsoever. In other instances, the source of your hatred may not be so obvious. It could be a group of aspects of your life, like an unsupportive family, lack of time for hobbies, overly expensive apartment, wrong profession, and so on. If you hate your life, it's time to take steps to change it Take some time to reflect on the topic. Write down your thoughts if you need to. What it is exactly that you want out of your life? It would be best if you determined exactly where the loathing comes from. Because unless you know why you hate your life, it will be challenging to come up with how to change it. 2. Determine what's in your power to change When you're done with the soul-searching from the first step, you should analyse the situation. What is it that you can control and change? What is out of your hands? For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, there's little point in trying to make the abuser change. However, you can transform your perspective on things. You can gradually start refusing to think about your life and yourself as they dictate. Their insults do not have to be the building blocks of your identity. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness The Serenity Prayer, regardless of your religion, speaks about a pearl of universal and timeless wisdom: Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other 3. Remove unhelpful automatic thoughts Whatever your situation may be, chances are, the previous step led you to realise your thoughts are always in your hands. Indeed, it's the one thing we can always control. We all have many automatic thoughts. Unfortunately, they are often unhelpful. Such maladaptive thinking patterns cause numerous disturbances and difficulties, as a cross-cultural study found. A straightforward example: if you keep thinking “I hate my life” then you are gearing your mind towards negativity. “Come up with alternative statements and start thinking them instead of the negative ones. For example, replace 'I hate my life' with 'It's in my power to create the life I want.” Work on removing such maladaptive thoughts. Challenge them, search for counterarguments. Come up with alternative statements, and start thinking them instead of the negative ones. For example, replace “I hate my life” with “It is in my power to create the life I want”. Remember: you are not your thoughts. A systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. 4. Forgive and self-forgive If you're in a situation that makes you hate your life, maybe you need to work on forgiveness. An extensive review of studies on forgiveness found that if we find it in ourselves to replace the unforgiving emotions with empathy and compassion, our bodies and minds heal. And what about self-forgiveness? When you forgive yourself, you open the doors to growing as a person, a study revealed. According to Stanford University’s summary of recent findings in the field, self-forgiveness leads to: Wisdom Increased ability to focus, success, and higher productivity Better emotional health More quality relationships A sense of happiness and gratitude Whether you’re feeling guilty for hurting another person, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or for failing to stick to healthy habits, let go of self-hate. Letting go of loathing will help you release your energy for a fresh start and a new, happier life. 5. Practise gratitude When you hate your life, you probably have a bias towards seeing the negatives. It may be a strong mental habit, making you blind to the opportunities that are still there for you. However, if you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Focus on all of the good things in your life. Indeed, even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for. Practise gratitude and enjoy the simple things in life shutterstock/Serhii Yurkiv It may be your memories and the wonderful moments you've had in the past. It could be your inner strength and perseverance. Look at nature and cherish its beauty. Take a moment to watch the morning and be thankful for seeing it. Savour. Then move gradually towards recognising other positives in your life — friends, family, your home, your job... find the good in everything you can. In that way, you train your mind to stop focusing on the loathsome aspects of your life. Scientific research has confirmed the benefits of gratitude on life satisfaction and happiness. Suddenly, you will start seeing the opportunities to turn things around. 6. Avoid comparisons Comparing yourself to others can make you vulnerable to anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. We're naturally inclined to compare ourselves to others. Social media make it very difficult not to. However, what people showcase online is carefully corrected and selected to display only the best features. Trying to keep up with those fake standards is bound to make you hate your life. Even when you know images and posts are edited, they can still make you feel inadequate. “However, if you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for.” So, do not compare yourself. Direct your energy towards your authentic needs and wishes instead. Ask yourself — what would I want if I was not trying to keep up? What would I do if I did not care about praise, money, accomplishments, recognition? 7. Explore your passions Do you remember the last time you felt on top of the world? You were likely living in line with your principles and passions at that time. Now that you are not, you probably feel lost and “I hate my life” has become your mantra. Therefore, venture on to explore and (re)discover your interests. Ask yourself: “What is it that I used to love doing and believed in?” “What would I want to do if I did not have to care about money or anything else?” Search for the activities that give you something called flow, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Flow is a state in which you get lost in an activity. You stop noticing time passing, and you're absorbed in what you're doing. Csikszentmihalyi’s research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. 8. Get support (and input) from your friends and family Hating your life puts you in a dark and, often, lonely place. You may be living under circumstances that isolate you. The heaviness of the feeling might be too much to hide or to share with others. Embrace family when you're feeling low in life shutterstock/AlessandroBiascioli Yet, being alone is a stressor on its own. It can make it too easy to ruminate about what you loathe about your life. Try to “prescribe” yourself socialising with people. Enjoy a casual coffee with friends or a heart-to-heart conversation about what worries you. Studies revealed that social support could help you step out of your head and gain a fresh perspective on things. 9. Look after yourself When you're in a state of loathing your life, it often becomes difficult to take good care of yourself. However, the mind-body connection goes two ways. When you're sleep-deprived, sick, and physically weak, you become psychologically vulnerable, too. RELATED: Feeling blue or clinically depressed? The 4 things you should look out for So, start looking after yourself. Sleep, exercise, get enough fresh air, eat healthy food. Scientific research has proven that physical activity helps lower the levels of stress hormones in your body. It also increases your ability to focus and use your intellectual skills better. As a result, you will gain clarity and better control over your emotions. Same goes for other acts of self-care. Give yourself plenty of self-love, even when you do not feel like it. Your future self will thank you. 10. Make a plan of action After all of the steps above, you're probably ready to make an action plan. Identify what makes you unhappy. Commit to making small steps to improve things. Each day, ask yourself: “What is it that I can do to move closer to my goal today?” The “I hate my life” monster might raise its ugly head a few more times. However, stop sabotaging yourself. Do not allow it to stay in your head for too long. Remember — our time on this planet is limited. You do not want to spend whatever time you have left hating your life — you want to change it while you can. Takeaway: I hate my life Yes, you only get to live once. So, does it make any sense to hate your life? Is it not wiser to try and change it around? It may take some time, but if you use the rock bottom you're at right now to push yourself back to the surface, you will be able to say: “I survived”. You will start to love living again and enjoy every moment of it. • Main image: shutterstock/Srdjan Randjelovic Please note that the “I hate my life” sentiment might be a symptom of clinical depression. If you experience any of the signs of this emotional disorder, make sure to reach out to your local mental health services. In the US, you can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for free and confidential support. Use Lifeline Chat or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In the UK, call 116 123 to talk to Samaritans, or email: [email protected] for a reply within 24 hours. You can also text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, or text “YM” if you're under 19. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting in our happiness forum ■ learning with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

What are the signs of self-sabotaging in relationships and why do we often undermine our possibilities of a successful romance? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the logic behind self-sabotage in couples and offers some practical solutions. Self-sabotage is acting in a way that undermines our achievements and daily living. We can be and often are doing this in various areas of life. You could be self-sabotaging if you keep eating junk food instead of a healthy diet. If you oversleep almost every exam, or if you are constantly late for job interviews. In relationships, self-sabotaging behaviour means actively trying to ruin the relationship, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously. It can happen with friendships, family relationships, or in romantic couplings. In this article, we will focus on how and why we self-sabotage romantic relationships when in reality we really want to be in that relationship. Signs of self-sabotage in relationships What does self-sabotaging in a relationship look like? Could you be doing it without even realising it? Here are six ways you could be unintentionally looking to destroy your relationship. Not addressing adverse emotions Every relationship will sometimes spark anger, anxiety, frustration, dissatisfaction. Ideally, these emotions will be addressed in a constructive conversation with your partner. However, when you are not willing to do so, it could be a sign of self-sabotage, as a recent study found. Extreme suspiciousness It’s normal to get insecure in a relationship from time to time. Doubts about your partner’s commitment and faithfulness could creep in. However, if you are not responding to reassurance – and there is no easing your suspicion– you could be self-sabotaging the relationship Extreme criticism Expressing your expectations and needs is not only normal – it is a prerequisite of healthy relationships. Yet, you could be overly critical. This happens when you are actively searching for everything that is “wrong” with your partner. Also, if you are not providing constructive criticism and suggestions on how to mend the things you don’t like, it can be considered extreme criticism. Constantly nagging in this way creates a wedge between you and your partner and sabotages the relationship Holding grudges Most relationships come with some level of hurt here and there. Those that succeed, research shows, use such occurrences to grow. Partners learn, talk, forgive and self-forgive, change for the better. If you decide to hold a grudge instead of working on forgiving the offence, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. Bearing grudges is a sign of relationship self-sabotage shutterstock/Olena Yakobchuk Breaking promises Life happens, and we cannot always keep our promises. We’ll come late, forget to buy groceries, miss the date night and work instead. However, when you do this regularly, it could be a sign of you unconsciously trying to make your partner so dissatisfied that they will end the relationship. Avoiding physical intimacy Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy. The idea of the sizzling passion that lasts for ever promoted in media is unrealistic and puts unnecessary pressure on couples. Although the topic is extensive, we can say that physical intimacy means much more than mindblowing, fulfilling and happy sex all the time. Indeed, any level of physical intimacy in a relationship can be normal and satisfying for the couple. However, you could find yourself beginning to avoid the usual form of intimacy and physical affection in your relationship. And this might be a sign of withdrawing and self-sabotaging. Why do we self-sabotage relationships? Relationship issues are one of the top reasons people seek a psychologist’s help. And the causes of a dysfunctional relationship are many. But one factor that often connects many forms of seemingly senseless actions in unhealthy relationships is self-sabotaging behaviour. Here is a typical example. You meet the 'perfect' person. You fall in love and do everything you can to make them yours. They’re an ideal partner – loving, full of kindness, inspiring, passionate, selfless. But now, all of a sudden, you seem to be doing your best to ruin the relationship. It doesn’t make much sense, right? So, why do we do it? “Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy.” A 2019 study published in the Journal of Relationship Research brought together the findings and observations of 15 Australian relationships psychologists, giving us insight into the intricate world of self-sabotaging relationships of a romantic nature. The researchers detected six key sources of self-handicapping behaviour in intimate relationships: 1. Fear of getting hurt Most commonly, people consciously or unconsciously try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage. For example, let’s say you got deeply wounded in one of your previous relationships. If you didn’t address the pain in a healthy way, it might be controlling your actions in all subsequent relationships. So, instead of allowing your partner to see your vulnerability, you could be creating conflict. Being angry all the time, stonewalling, or cheating are some of the proven strategies to damage a relationship. The reasoning here is simple: “If I ruin the relationship, I can’t get hurt”. 2. Insecure attachment style The blueprint of our adult relationships gets developed in childhood. How our parents related to us will eventually transfer to our way of relating to others. A 2019 study determined that romantic self-saboteurs are most commonly those who underwent attachment trauma in childhood. If your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, you are likely to sabotage your relationships. The reason is, again, to avoid the prospect of being abandoned or hurt by your partner. 3. Low self-esteem In the roots of many self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships is the belief that we are unworthy of love. Being overly self-critical can transfer to how we relate to others in our lives. If you see yourself as hopeless and helpless, you probably won’t even try to deal with a problem or mend a disagreement. In other words, you will allow your relationship to decay, sabotaging it with passivity. When your self-esteem is low, you will probably expect your partner to find another, and succumb to jealousy fits as a result. Alternatively, you could also accept being belittled all the time. Therefore, you could seek toxic, often narcissistic partners, and self-sabotage your chances of healthy relationships. Trust and communication are essential shutterstock/oneinchpunch 4. Beliefs about relationships in general One possible cause of self-sabotaging relationships relates to our preconceptions about how a partnership should look like. A 2012 study confirmed that when couples believe in myths about love and marriage, these misconceptions can negatively impact relationships. It can be any of the two extreme beliefs about partnerships – that they are an inevitable cause of pain – or a fairytale. In both cases, such presumptions and associated anticipations sabotage your chances of developing authentic intimacy. Indeed, you will find yourself acting on those expectations without really testing them in reality. People whose beliefs are set in stone are often inflexible. There is no place for compromise or organic growth of love. There is little room for spontaneity. In that way, those people inevitably destroy their relationships. 5. Underdeveloped coping mechanisms All relationships hit hurdles. Whether it’s day-to-day stressors or a massive crisis – every relationship will go through tough times at some point. Indeed, according to a 2021 study, lack of resilience and self-efficacy was found to trigger self-sabotaging behaviour in romantic relationships. “Most commonly, people try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage.” If you are not prepared to handle conflicts, you could, for example, emotionally withdraw and shut down. Alternatively, you could get defensive, needy and clingy. Furthermore, an affair, for some, presents a sort of a safe escape from having to deal with fights or crises. So, when you cannot cope with stress in a relationship, you could be actively ruining it. 6. Avoiding commitment A way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to stick to brief relationships – no real commitment. When you initiate a relationship and then end it before it gets serious, you remain in control. Or, so you think. Who is actually in control is the self-saboteur – and this is not your authentic self. In fact, it’s merely your defense mechanism. How to stop self-sabotaging relationships As mentioned earlier, we will not be talking about the relationships you truly wish to leave for whatever reason. We will be looking into why and how you keep self-sabotaging relationships you do want to be in. So, how can you stop being self-destructive when it comes to your love life? Understand the hidden saboteur We gave you six evidence-based reasons why people self-sabotage their romantic endeavors. If you want to stop ruining your relationships, you need to understand why it is you felt you needed to do so in the first place. Set aside some time to do some soul-searching and explore your hidden reasons. Dig deep and really ask yourself 'why' a few times over. Learn about your attachment styles Attachment styles can have a massive impact on our adult relationships. Indeed, you and your partner’s attachment styles could dictate how you relate to each other. To steer your interactions in another way, start by taking a quick relationship attachment style test. When you become aware of your style and how it affects you, you can begin to change the patterns and transform your relationship. Communicate This advice will never get old: communicate. Do it assertively, openly, gently and respectfully. Be direct and genuine. Avoid casting blame – express yourself and your perspective and feelings. Start your sentences with “I feel…”, “To me, it seems as if…”. Explain your position and how you feel in a particular situation, then propose a solution, and ask your partner how they feel about it. Good communication in a relationship is essential to its survival. Seek counselling Self-sabotage often comes from deeply ingrained patterns we can’t clearly notice ourselves. Significant romantic relationships have a way of triggering the unconscious fears and expectations that waited for the right time to appear. Counselling can help you (and your partner) to bring that unconscious content to the light of the day, address it, and regain control over your life and relationships. Round-up: ditch the saboteur We all have a saboteur hiding somewhere inside of us. It’s not a villain. It’s merely a part of us trying to protect us from harm the best way it knows how. However, if you want to control your life – including your love life – you need to thank this part of you for its contribution and say goodbye to it. Stop self-sabotaging relationships and embrace the new you when it comes to romance: awaken and brave. • Please bear in mind that the list doesn’t cover all the nuances of how people sabotage their relationship chances. If you suspect you could be self-sabotaging, consider seeking out a psychologist’s help to assist you in figuring out your feelings and behaviour. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Healthy habits | Relationship advice | Self care | Quality time Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

We often forget to be kind to ourselves, but being good to yourself is essential says psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović. Discover eight self-love techniques – such as forgiveness and setting boundaries – and improve your emotional well-being. 'Please be good to yourself' is something we would like to say to our loved ones when we witness them beating themselves up. Yet, we rarely take our own advice. Unlike compassion, self-kindness often feels unnatural. In today’s society of achievements, we succumb to rationing self-love as if it were something that needs to be painstakingly deserved. However, it is not. Self-love is dynamic and expands as we grow psychologically. It is not something that you can attain through a makeover, inspirational read, career achievements, or a new relationship. It is not simply feeling good or motivated to take on the world. It is knowing and accepting yourself, being comfortable with who you are. Being good to yourself means being autonomous and centred in your life purpose and values. This article will explore the science behind self-love and self-kindness, and give you eight research-based tips on how to be good to yourself. Why being good to yourself is essential Being good to yourself is a foundational tenet of many psychological interventions. The reason? It is an essential ingredient of well-being. Through self-love, both our minds and our bodies can function optimally. For a long time, researchers and practitioners were aware of the effects of self-kindness on psychological and physical health. A recent study revealed the mechanism behind its benefits. Being good to oneself switches off our threat response, calms our heart rate, and, overall, enables us to respond flexibly to situations. Be good to yourself: self-love is essential for well-being shutterstock/kues The threat (or, the fight or flight) response to stressful situations is adaptive to a point. However, for a modern human, on most occasions, this reaction is overly intensive. After all, there isn’t a prehistoric carnivore chasing us. So, consistently practising self-love and managing to switch this extreme automatic reaction off boosts our immune system. By doing so, we give ourselves the best chance of healing and prospering. Be good to yourself: 8 self-love techniques For the majority of people, the habit of being unconstructively self-critical is deeply engrained in their psyche. Most of us expect to see results (educational, professional, or social achievements) before we can begin to love ourselves. So, being good to yourself probably won’t become your default state of mind on its own. You need to commit to practising it. Here are eight techniques you can easily incorporate into your life. Try them and hopefully you will start to see a difference. 1. Practise mindfulness Even though it’s not a panacea, mindfulness remains at the top of the list of beneficial techniques in a variety of situations. It teaches us to observe our inner world without judgement. If you want to be good to yourself, fist yu need to accept whatever it may be that you’re feeling or thinking. Mindfulness gives us the necessary self-esteem and unconditional self-acceptance we need to feel comfortable with ourselves. 2. Be honest about your weaknesses Not being perfect stings. We know. We all have an image of the ideal self in our heads. Looking at the discrepancy between who we are and who we want to be is unpleasant at the very least. Nonetheless, to be good to yourself doesn’t mean lying, flattering, or turning a blind eye to your shortcomings. Self-love means not bashing yourself over your flaws. It means building a healthier response to your failures and imperfections. Accepting that you’re not impeccable will gradually lead you to a realistic image of your self-worth. 3. Speak sincere words of self-acceptance Once you’ve brought your weaknesses and emotions to the light of the day through being mindful and truthful, you can begin to shift your attitude. When you ignore or deny your limitations, you are giving the power away. Because you don’t want that, it’s time to come up with affirmations that will resonate with your true self. “'Be good to yourself' is much more than a phrase. It is a foundational tenet of many psychological interventions.” For example, you might be facing a difficult task. Trying to convince yourself that the idea of giving up does not tempt you probably won’t work. Instead, you could try saying: “Even though this feels hard, I will be gentle with myself and simply do my best”. If you’re struggling with creating your genuine self-love statements, try thinking about what you would need to hear from someone else. What kind of supportive sentence would you believe in? 4. Forgive and self-forgive Forgiveness liberates. It’s a pearl of ancient wisdom with strong support in modern-day research. An extensive review of studies on forgiveness found that if we find it in ourselves to replace the unforgiving emotions with empathy and compassion, our bodies and minds heal. Letting go of resentment means to be good to yourself. And what about self-forgiveness? When you forgive yourself, you open the doors to growing as a person. Whether you’re feeling guilty for hurting another, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or for holding on to unhealthy habits, let go of self-hate. Forgiving yourself frees you from unconstructive self-condemnation. 5. Know your values To be good to yourself means more than self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. It means working towards fulfilling your purpose as well. Once you’ve come to peace with who you are and abandoned self-loathing, the need to realise your potentials will naturally come to the front. Forgiveness is a big part of self-love and being good to yourself shutterstock/HBRH This is when you need to be clear on what your core values are. You can try one of the life coaching tools freely available such as the “What I really value in life” or “Values and purpose” exercise to help you define what it is that moves you. 6. Practise good self-care Self-love and good self-care are closely connected. You are more likely to make healthy lifestyle choices when you’re happy with yourself and your life. This association can also work the other way round. If you commit to taking good care of yourself, you will build the basis for loving yourself more. Be good to yourself, eat healthily, exercise, sleep better, surround yourself with well-minded people, and pursue interests. But remember, it’s also very important not to be harsh on yourself when you fail to do those things. Being a perfectionist will only cause you to beat yourself up, instead of making you feel good. 7. Stop comparing yourself In the age of social media and all-around self-promotion, our natural inclination to compare ourselves to others has become enormously amplified. We all know that people carefully edit what they display online (and in person, for that matter). Nonetheless, we are still affected by the contrast between our real lives and what we see out there. “'Being good to yourself probably won't become your default state of mind on its own. You need to commit to practising it.” Comparing yourself to others can make you vulnerable to anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. So, stop doing it. Spend your energy on living intentionally instead. 8. Set boundaries We all do it sometimes – we bend over backwards. We do it for our career, friends, family, or simply because we were raised to do so. Although it is praiseworthy to be selfless, the truth is – you cannot live a healthy life without healthy limits. Well-being depends on feeling like you’re in control and being assertive (among other things, of course). Therefore, you cannot keep pulling out all your stops for every single person or project. You need to set boundaries and protect your integrity. Make your love for yourself a lifelong romance As you might have noticed, we’re not proposing narcissistic self-love based on a delusory image of your saint-like grandness — quite the opposite. The foundation of self-love is authenticity. So, to love yourself, know yourself. Accept, do not judge - but always seek ways to grow and improve. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Live a life that is in line with your values and work towards your ideal self. In that way, self-love becomes the spring from which your contribution to the world will flow. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Healthy habits | Self care | Quality time Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Accepting ourselves unconditionally is essential if we want to improve our levels of self-acceptance and emotional wellness. Discover three practical techniques you can implement that will help you do exactly that. In his blog post on Greater Good, Srini Pillay defines self-acceptance as “an individual’s acceptance of all his/her attributes, positive or negative. It includes body acceptance, self-protection from negative criticism, and believing in one’s capacities.” He links improved emotional wellness to self-acceptance. Though closely related, self-acceptance is different from self-esteem, as the latter refers to how worthwhile or valuable we see ourselves. The former, on the other hand, refers to a comprehensive affirmation of self. This allows us to accept all of ourselves, not just the good. We are able to recognize our limitations and weaknesses, but this by no chance hinders our ability to accept ourselves for who we are. RELATED: 12 ways to practise self-acceptance Many of us who have low self-acceptance try to suppress the feeling by attempting to accomplish great things. But this only serves as a Band-Aid approach to improving our self-esteem. Srini Pillay goes on to say that, “this only helps your self-esteem for a while. That’s because achievement is a poor substitute for intimacy.” Open up: emotional wellness can be achieved with honesty The truth is, if we want to improve our self-esteem and emotional wellness, we need to honestly explore all parts of ourselves that we've not come to terms with and that we have not fully accepted. It’s only when we stop being harsh critics of ourselves that we can develop a positive sense of who we are. This then explains why self-esteem naturally goes up as soon as we become self-accepting, which is crucial to our emotional wellness and overall happiness. What triggers self-approval? Much like self-esteem, we're able to become self-accepting as children to the extent our parents fully accept us. Scientific studies have shown that children who are younger than eight don't have the ability to create a distinct sense of emotional well-being other than that demonstrated by their parents or other caregivers. Extreme parental evaluation goes further beyond critiquing certain behaviors. For example, a parent may convey the message that their child is ungrateful, not smart enough and so on, and this significantly affects self-acceptance. In short, most of us continue ‘parenting’ ourselves throughout our lives much like how we were parented. It's true that with little or no self-approval, our psychological well-being suffers, and even when we seek help, it's often less fruitful compared to other people in the same situation who are more self-accepting. “If we want to improve our emotional wellness, we need to honestly explore all parts of ourselves that we've not come to terms with.” And in those people that have low self-acceptance levels, the brain sectors that control their emotions and stress levels have less gray matter compared to those people who have higher self-acceptance levels. This means those with lower self-acceptance capabilities physically have less tissue to work with in our brains, which, in turn, can trigger anxiety and stress. Emotional wellness: how to accept ourselves So far we've seen that our parents and the environment around us have had a profound effect on our ability to our self-acceptance. But, in truth, we need to learn to let the past go and discover new techniques of accepting ourselves as we are in the present moment. For the sake of our peace of mind, happiness and overall emotional wellness, we first need to accept ourselves unconditionally. There are three main ways we can boost our self-approval and acceptance levels and therefore our emotional wellness: 1. Self-regulation Self-regulation is a technique that allows us to shut down self-deprecating emotions and internal negative commentary and instead focus on our more positive attributes. Humans are naturally wired to focus on the negative and many of us experience damaging thoughts or feelings, such as not being good enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever enough, selfish, etc. “For the sake of our peace of mind, happiness and overall emotional wellness, we first need to accept ourselves unconditionally.” In fact, repeating these internal conversations damages our emotional wellness. Instead, use self-regulation to restructure these negative feeling and focus more on our positive attributes. Look at any flaws you believe you may have and consider them as great opportunities to help improve yourself. 2. Self-awareness Sometimes, our self-accepting level goes further than our conscious level such that when we are not self-accepting, we essentially split ourselves and feel incomplete. That is, the part that needs forgiveness and the one that should forgive are at loggerheads. Self-awareness helps us understand what is happening at a deeper level. And becoming more self-aware can enable us to improve our emotional wellness. Developing self-awareness can be an ongoing goal that incorporates many different methods. Those include: paying attention to what bothers you about other people, drawing a timeline of your life, asking for feedback from friends/colleagues, clarifying your values, and simply spending time with yourself through mindfulness and meditation. 3. Self-transcendence This allows us to depend on things that are outside of ourselves to define who we are. That is, we turn to an unseen force that connects us with the world. Some of the ways we can become self-transcendent is by contributing to charities, volunteering to help the less fortunate, and so on. Self-transcendence has been proven to impact our brains positively by increasing the release of our feel-good hormones such as dopamine and serotonin. This in turn reduces our stress levels and give us emotional fulfilment, boosting emotional wellness. A family affair: our parents influence our self-acceptance Meditation for increasing self-acceptance Loving-kindness and mindful meditations are two types of meditation that can help us become more self-accepting. By loving ourselves more and not judging ourselves, we're able to lower our brain response to anxiety and stress. As we develop our meditation practice, the activity in our brain regions that affect emotions will start to improve. As humans, we're all unique, and so not all of these methods work in the same way for everyone. The important thing is that if you struggle with self-doubt and internal negative voices that you need to affirm that you need to become more self-accepting and start doing what works for you. Take it one small step at a time, and you should start seeing positive results and a rise in your emotional wellness levels. ● Main image: Colorbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Self care | Acceptance | Meditation | Body positivity | Nudism Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

Friendships are vital for our well-being and happiness. But forging them can be hard, especially as we grow older. Sonia Vadlamani suggests some possible reasons why we can’t always make friends, and how we can alter our outlook to make building new connections easier. If you often struggle with a piercing sense of loneliness or feel that your life lacks steadfast, enriching friendships, you’re not alone. Making new connections seems all the more difficult as adults. Furthermore, a study by Kunal Bhattacharya et al reveals that our social circle begins to shrink soon after our mid-20s, mainly as our priorities begin to shift in life. We may make a few half-hearted attempts to get over the hump once in a while, but life tends to get in the way, and we lose a few friends along the journey. In fact, a UK poll conducted of 1,200 people by YouGov reports that 30 per cent of millennials, 20 per cent of Gen X and 15 per cent of Baby Boomers interviewed admitted they felt lonely ‘always’ or ‘often’. Additionally, the most cited reasons for why one can’t make friends with ease were cited to be shyness (53 per cent), the feeling that friendships needed too much work (20 per cent), and a busy life (14 per cent). However, the good news is that it’s certainly possible to make new friends, even as adults, provided that we clearly strategize our needs and preferences, and put in the necessary effort towards building new relationships. Why can’t I make friends? 7 possible reasons Humans are social beings, and all of us seek enriching, dependable social connections. However, making new friends can be hard, and we sometimes tend to get stuck in a ‘why can’t I make friends’ rut when we struggle to build lasting friendships. Here are seven potential holding patterns that could be preventing you from building a rewarding social life. 1. You’re not putting in the time to build a friendship “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit,” as philosopher Aristotle famously stated. Some of us assume that friendships just occur, and that we don’t need to put in any special effort. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Indeed, the reality is that friendships require focused, intentional efforts on a continued basis. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • In a 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researcher Jeffrey Hall revealed that moving someone from the category of a ‘mere acquaintance’ to ‘casual friend’ requires us to spend roughly 50 hours with a person. Moving that relationship to ‘close friend’ status requires approximately 300 hours of togetherness time. Hall has some clear advice for those of us who may be wondering why we can't make friends: “If you are interested in a friendship, switch up the context.” While we cannot possibly force our friendship upon anyone, we can signal that we’re interested in knowing them better by inviting them over for to lunch, seeking their advice, catching a movie together and checking up on them regularly, etc. Making friendships requires time and dedication 2. You’ve forgotten the qualities that make you unique Sometimes we forget about all our unique qualities that give our personality a distinctive edge, and how we can make friends easily if we remember to bring these qualities to the table. This has happened to me quite a few times. I would meet up with some new people or friends of friends, we’d end up chatting about everything under the sky, and suddenly someone would remark, “Wow, you’re so witty!”, or “I’m a fan of your funny takes”. This made me abruptly realize that I have a humorous side that I often forget I could exploit while I remain stuck in the ‘why can’t I make friends’ rut. The process of forging new friendships can become a lot easier and productive if we remember all the qualities which makes us exclusive and likeable and keep working on honing these skills. 3. You’re an introvert and don’t wish to overdo socializing If you’re an introvert, chances are that you get overstimulated from excessive socializing. There’s a fair chance that having a bustling social life with numerous groups isn’t really your idea of fun. This may have discouraged you from putting in the effort to make friends in the first place. However, introverts crave human connection just as much as extroverts, and the fear of introvert hangover should not prevent you from seeking fulfilling friendships. “Making new friends can be hard, and we sometimes tend to get stuck in a ‘why can’t I make friends’ rut when we struggle to build lasting friendships.” Indeed, introverts need their space for quiet reflection. Thus, you can devise your recharge time consciously and balance it carefully with attending social events. This will ensure that you derive psychological benefits of close friendships at the pace you set for yourself. 4. You haven’t yet considered what you seek from a connection During my school and college years I would make acquaintances and friends with just about everyone. It seemed so effortless and easy to just reach out, talk and continue towards building friendships. However, it also resulted in me forming some mediocre connections, and sometimes I even found myself in the midst of unwanted drama and chaos. • SIGN UP! Join the caring happiness.com community and make new friends • Which is why, as I grew older, I resolved to attract the kind of energy and attention into my life that is closely aligned with my interests and goals. It is best to observe keenly and interact strategically whenever you’re around strangers and acquaintances, so that you can carefully select those who may have similar likes and interests as you. Furthermore, it is perfectly OK – and recommended in fact – to have different types of friends, as sticking to one friend for your entire life and burdening the same person with all our different needs can severely strain the friendship. “Once you've made decisions and found the appropriate people, you can be much less socially promiscuous and invest your time in these people," suggests Robin Dunbar, psychology professor at Oxford University. This way, creating a lasting connection with the chosen few is easier as well. Don't forget the qualities that make you unique shutterstock/oneinchpunch 5. You feel compelled to be nice to everyone Very often, the compulsion to like everyone we come across is mistaken as being nice. Truth is, there is no place for forced obligation in real friendships, and connections created under such compulsion can’t possibly last long. A 2010 study by Sally Theran, assistant professor of psychology at Wellesley College, USA, revealed that honesty in relationships can result in strengthened connections and improved happiness levels. Indeed, while we can be kind towards others and respect their perspectives, we needn’t put ourselves in a difficult spot or compromise our values to form new friendships. 6. You’re afraid of the possibility of rejection Sometimes, we can’t but help being worried about others’ reactions to our personality when we reach out to them. What if we come across as awkward or plain stupid, right? Nutrition expert and life coach Sarah Jenks associates this fear of appearing ridiculous or weird with ‘leftover playground trauma’, suggesting that our previous failures or abuse prevent us from trying something new again. This could also be us experiencing vulnerability hangover, wherein we may resent the feeling of shame or embarrassment that tends to occur after an emotional risk. “Truth is, there is no place for forced obligation in real friendships, and connections created under such compulsion can’t possibly last long.” The truth is, making new friends may sometimes requires courage and resilience on our behalf. Indeed, when you overcome your fear of rejection and continue to present your authentic self to others around, they’ll be able to relate better with you, as they may have the same concerns and insecurities in their minds as well. 7. You’re willingly avoiding the opportunities for new friendships Oftentimes we avoid making difficult choices or acting upon them, due to our ingrained beliefs or fear of a negative outcome. This avoidance coping behavior regarding stressful situations could be a reason why you can’t make friends. So, the next time you find yourself turning down an invite to a social event with abundant opportunities to make new connections, ask yourself why you feel compelled to do so. Being mindful about your impulses and resolving your ingrained patterns gently yet consistently can help you find your tribe with greater ease. The mental health impact of having no friends Close friendships offer the sense of belonging that we yearn for as humans, especially during challenging times and hardship. In fact, the need for belonging appears in the third tier itself on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, right after the basic needs like food and shelter. Having no friends to rely on and the lack of social support can further the feelings of loneliness and even mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Furthermore, repetitive thoughts such as “why can’t I make friends” and “what’s wrong with me” can potentially affect our sense of self-worth and confidence. The inability to strike up friendships can also make us feel ‘cursed’ or stuck in life, almost as if the people we meet have already made up their mind beforehand to not like us. This internalized feeling can hamper our self-esteem over time and can even leave us unmotivated towards attending social events where we are, in fact, more likely to meet new people and build potential friendships. Takeaway: why can’t I make friends The inability to make friends – especially as adults – can affect one’s mental health and well-being adversely. It’s important to know that you’re not alone – several others tackle the “why can’t I make friends” question every day in their head. Identifying the self-limiting patterns and modifying our approach to resolve the same can help us build new, lasting relationships with ease. • Main image: shutterstock/fizkes happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Resilience | Deep listening Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Many of us show compassion easily to others but struggle when it comes to ourselves. Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains why self-compassion is essential to our well-being and offers six practical steps on practising it. When things go wrong, some of us will be able to support ourselves with warmth and self-compassion. However, many of us tend to do quite the opposite. We beat ourselves up. How did it come to be that we accepted to live our lives burdened with (unconstructive) self-criticism? As with anything else about the human psyche, the overly criticizing mindset is also a multilayered phenomenon. However, one of the most common causes are the beliefs and values we’ve developed during our childhood. And, although we still may show compassion to others during their times of need, we fail to do the same when we’re struggling. Strange? This lack of compassion for ourselves has deep-seated roots. And they’re not always entirely logical. For that reason, it’s so difficult to overcome it. However, it can be done: read on to discover six proven ways to develop self-compassion. What exactly is self-compassion? Self-compassion is a concept that counteracts the adverse beliefs we have about ourselves. In most cases, whether we’ll be able to comfort ourselves through the tough times gets decided in our childhood. We learn from our parents. Be it through direct or indirect messages we receive, we absorb those ideas. They become blueprints of our future world. Whether your parents were harsh and criticizing, or they were self-destructive and self-criticizing, you probably introjected such an attitude toward yourself into your core. Be kind to yourself and practise self-compassion Self-criticism is rife. And it’s a nasty enemy to have. Research has demonstrated over and over again that it’s closely associated with a range of emotional disturbances. Depression, anxiety and eating disorders are merely a few of the consequences of unrealistic negative images people hold about themselves. Even if you don’t develop a mental health disorder, living your life fraught with self-condemnation isn’t the right way. It will make you utterly unhappy, unproductive, and vulnerable. “Although we may show compassion to others during their times of need, we fail to do the same when we’re struggling. Strange? This lack of compassion for ourselves has deep-seated roots.” The most vicious aspect of self-criticism is that it mostly occurs out of our conscious awareness. We can access the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, but we rarely do it. Even more seldomly do we question these core ideas. This elusive nature of self-criticism is one more reason why you should wholeheartedly practice self-compassion. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Studies have shown that the ruminating self-loathing doesn’t get resolved with classic self-help cognitive intervention. What is more, it gets even worse. Moreover, those who are depressed as a result of self-criticism also have trouble imagining positive scenes and self-supporting images. In other words, when you’re failing at being self-compassionate, you can’t even imagine a bright future for yourself. So, the cycle continues. Unless you put a stop to it. Three components of self-compassion Psychologist Kristin Neff was the first to measure self-compassion. She explained that having compassion for oneself means offering self warmth and unconditional acceptance. That doesn’t mean being selfish and egocentric. It does not condone engaging in self-pity or self-indulgence. And, we might add, it doesn’t exclude constructive criticism. When you're self-compassionate, you recognize the difference between making bad choices and being a thoroughly appalling person. Simply put, when you’re compassionate to yourself, you won’t keep telling yourself all those nasty things you usually do if you’re not. And you won’t stagnate or suffer as a result. Neff has explained the three components of self-compassion: Self-kindness The ability to be supportive, kind, and forgiving toward yourself. Common humanity Realizing that part of the nature of human existence is to experience pain, loss, failure, and make mistakes. You’re not alone in your struggles; there’s always someone somewhere who has been through the same (or worse). Mindfulness Practising awareness of your experiences without judging them. Self-compassion is about the acceptance of upsetting thoughts without letting them overtake your entire life. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Kristin Neff's self-compassion theory © YouTube/Greater Good Science Center Six ways to practise self-compassion The good news is that self-compassion can be learned. It takes practice, but most good things require some effort. Here are six ways to practice self-compassion in your day-to-day life. 1. Practice self-forgiveness The very first step of self-compassion is to forgive yourself. And keep doing so every day. There's no point in punishing yourself for your past mistakes. What makes sense is learning from them and growing as a person. You will never be flawless and faultless – because no one is. Yet, your most profound worth doesn’t come from being perfect, successful, recognized, famous, or whatever your poison may be. With self-compassion, you’ll learn to allow yourself to be imperfect – and love yourself as such. 2. Treat yourself as you would a loved-one or child The next time you’re about to tell yourself how stupid or incompetent you are, ask yourself: “Would I speak this way to my child (or anyone whom you love dearly)?” You probably wouldn’t. Because you do know how destructive it is. You just need to learn not to be such a molesting “parent” to yourself. “The very first step of self-compassion is to forgive yourself. There's no point in punishing yourself for your past mistakes. What makes sense is learning from them and growing as a person.” In most cases, we don’t even repeat the messages we heard from our parents – they weren’t this harsh. What we do incorporate into our self-expectations are our childish interpretations of our parents’ words and values. That’s one more reason for you to revise your beliefs about how you should be. 3. Practice mindfulness and mindful meditation As it is one of the components of self-compassion, incorporate mindfulness into your life. Be in the present moment, be lovingly kind, and observe the world (both external and internal) without judgment. If you need help mastering the skill, sign up for mindful meditation classes, listen to some mindfulness podcasts, and check out these mindfulness tips. With time, you’ll notice how self-criticizing thoughts come, but they don’t stick and loop in your head anymore. 4. Watch out for automatic thoughts and language It’s precisely these thoughts that tend to make us incapable of self-compassion. To regain control, keep an eye on them and bring them to your consciousness. You can keep an automatic thoughts journal in which you’ll note down the original thought and how it made you feel. Then, analyze it to see if it can hold out against logical questioning. Spoiler alert – it can’t. Self-love and compassion is possible with practice shutterstock/KieferPix So, replace such thoughts – and your language – with positive, compassionate versions. Once you retrain your mind to go for the affirmation, you’ll notice how much more encouraging and warm you are to yourself – and how much better you feel as a result. 5. Remember: you’re not alone in your imperfection When we suffer, we tend to feel as if we were the only ones who were going through such an ordeal. However, chances are someone somewhere already experienced it (and survived). Learn to recognize that those feelings of disappointment, incompetence, or self-repugnance are shared across the human race. By doing so, it will become easier to overcome obsessing about and being enslaved by them. Instead, learn from your failures and grow as a person. 6. Work with a psychotherapist or a life coach Finally, we appreciate how difficult it may be to develop self-compassion. Especially for those with a lifelong history of knocking themselves down. It just doesn’t come naturally. So, seek professional support. Reach out to an expert who will work with you until you become wholly and unconditionally self-compassionate. Round-up: self-compassion Developing self-compassion takes time and practice. Yet, this isn’t a reason to give up. After all, your relentless self-criticism also wasn’t built in a day. However, let a simple thought guide you through the process – you’re not a child anymore. You have the power to reassess and change your convictions now. Be a kind and supportive parent to yourself. Teach your inner child (and your self-criticizing adult) to be compassionate to the person you’re bound to spend your entire life with – yourself. Main image: shutterstock/HBRH Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Shadow work involves examining our personality flaws in an attempt to understand ourselves better. It's tough work but hugely beneficial. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares 31 shadow work prompts you can ask yourself to get started with the practice. The Shadow is the part of ourselves, according to K. G. Jung, that represents our dark side. It holds all the morally reprehensible tendencies we wish we did not have. However, it also hides many of our qualities, capacities and potential. Shadow work means increasing awareness of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Moreover, it requires you to become brutally honest with yourself and not criticize or condemn. You will need to practise self-compassion and learn to own your weaknesses, not project them onto others. Therefore, even though it may sound simple at first, shadow work is a quite psychologically challenging journey. For this reason, we may need some shadow work prompts to help us out on this road. This article will explain why you need them and what you get from shadow work prompts. We will talk about how to use these shadow work prompts and offer a few possibilities you might want to pick from when embarking on your psychological journey to self-awareness. Why do we need shadow work prompts? First, let us be clear on why we need to travel to the dark caves of our subconsciousness and search for the monsters there in the first place. Since you are reading this, I will assume you do have a desire to understand yourself better. You want to be a complete person. And to be one, you need to embrace all of your sides — the good and the bad. In Jung’s words, we may not become enlightened by imagining figures of light. We become enlightened by making the darkness conscious. “Shadow work prompts will give your search for self-awareness some structure. They will lead you through the thick underbrush of your mind.” And precisely here lies the reason why we need shadow work prompts. Our subconsciousness is uncharted territory for us. Scientific research demonstrated that our unconscious mind guides our perceptions, evaluation, and motivation. Even though others may notice the Bad and the Ugly in our actions, as a rule, we remain ignorant of what we hid from our consciousness. So, you need guidance on the path of personal investigation. Shadow work prompts will give your search for self-awareness some structure. They will lead you through the thick underbrush of your mind. How to use these shadow work prompts Shadow work is as distinctive as every individual. That is, there are no absolute rules you need to follow. It is your personal journey. You will do best if you follow the unique guides that appear on this path. Nonetheless, you should consider a few valuable tips for using shadow work prompts. First, take it slow. Shadow work prompts will take you into rather heavy topics. Remember, the Shadow is the side of yourself you are not keen on. So, to avoid ruminating for hours about what you discover about yourself, think about writing or meditating about one shadow work prompt at a time. Explore shadow work prompts with journaling At the same time, make shadow work a regular practice. Similarly to psychotherapy, this form of self-exploration requires commitment. Indeed, research shows that regularity is a necessary element of therapeutic growth. You may want to come up with a centring ritual as a beginning of your shadow work for the day. It can be anything from taking a walk, meditating, doing yoga, having a quiet cup of tea, or lighting a candle and saying an affirmation. Finally, trust your psyche to take you where you need to go. Shadow work prompts are likely to take you places you have tried to avoid for your entire life. Still, remember — to be whole, you need to recognise and accept every corner of your psychological existence. So, let the thoughts and words come to you. Write or think freely, without censorship. Things to hold onto while reflecting Shadow work prompts will trigger an avalanche of insights that most likely will not feel comfortable. Even though you might have been preparing for this, you may learn that you possess the traits you despise the most in others. Such knowledge could shake your self-image, at least at the beginning of the process. Because shadow work is supposed to take you on a path of psychological growth (and not be an arena for self-loathing), remember to lean into these three core principles: • Self-compassion Be kind to yourself. What you are really learning is that you are a human, nothing more. No one person is perfect. Embrace the fact that you have flaws, and applaud your courage to look them square in the eye. • Passive observation Do not judge what you are learning about yourself. Simply recognize the thoughts and insights that are coming to you after you employ the shadow work prompts below. You are here to explore, not to moralise. It is precisely your attempt to comply with cultural, social and moral norms that caused the creation of the Shadow. • Honest reflection/documentation All the work you are about to do is not worth the time if you are not honest. Indeed, make sure you are completely honest. It will be a bit ugly at times. But the only way to make shadow work truly worthwhile is if you are frank with yourself. Answering shadow work prompts will reveal the devil inside shutterstock/ra2 studio 31 shadow work prompts At this point, decide if you are going to journal (which I recommend) or merely reflect on these shadow work prompts. Pick the time and the settings in which you will commit to shadow work. “Shadow work prompts will trigger an avalanche of insights that most likely will not feel comfortable. Even though you might have been preparing for this, you may learn that you possess the traits you despise the most in others.” When you're ready, go ahead and delve into these shadow work prompts. Also, feel free to journal in freestyle whenever you feel like it. These prompts are meant to trigger your reflection and help you notice the areas in which the “monsters under your bed” might be hiding. So, a river of thoughts and associations may follow. Note down whatever you notice and let the process of self-discovery evolve on its own terms. Family and childhood shadow work prompts How are you similar to your mother, father and family members/caregivers? How does this make you feel? How did your caregivers comfort you when you were upset as a child? Do you do something similar when you or someone close to you is upset? What irritates you the most about your mother/father? Do you manifest the same trait, and when? Remember an event from your childhood that made you feel insecure, unloved or scared. In which situations do you feel similar, now as an adult? What is your most traumatic experience from childhood? How has this experience affected your actions and perceptions as an adult? Romantic relationships shadow work prompts Do you have patterns in your romantic relationships? Are/were you in a relationship that seemed familiar to that between your parents? Which of your father’s/mother’s traits do you expect from your romantic partners? Do you behave like your mother/father in romantic relationships? What do you not forgive in romance? Why? How do you behave when there is a conflict in your romantic relationship? Friendship and social relationships shadow work prompts What is your best friend like? Why did you pick them to be your best friend? What irritates you about others the most? What do others say about you that is not flattering? How much truth there is in that? In which situations are you misunderstood/disregarded/ignored? What valuable traits do others have, and you do not? What emotions are you afraid to show to others? Who do you hate to disappoint? Why? Self-image and behaviours shadow work prompts When did you not act like yourself? What made you act that way? When were you most embarrassed about yourself? Why? When were you in denial? What was the biggest lie you ever told? Why? What triggers you to act aggressively, to act out, to become disproportionally sad, to act impulsively? Do you feel like an imposter? In which situations? What is the worst thing you have done? Why? How do you feel about it now? When are you most envious? Why? Takeaway: freedom through self-acceptance Let me return to Jung’s quote at this point. In Modern Man in Search of a Soul, he wrote: “How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole.” Shadow work prompts are there to take you to the place of wholeness and freedom. They may not be pleasant to go over. Still, know that no alive person is immaculate. Remember the other quote from Jung? To paraphrase — you will not become enlightened by ignoring the darkness. You need to bring the hidden monsters to light. Only then can you address what you do not like about yourself. Only then can you make choices to do better or to change. Freedom will come with the acceptance of who you are as a whole person. Learn the good, the bad and the ugly truths about yourself. Accept them and be free to be whoever you now choose to be. • Main image: shutterstock/Juice Flair happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Coaching | Self-help | Kindness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.