Search the Community

When Paula Stephens struggled with grief following the death of her son, relief came from an unexpected source – essential oils. Here she suggests six essential oils that can relieve the depression and anxiety attached to grief, and that can boost your well-being and focus. Sometimes, the universe conspires in the strangest of ways. Shortly prior to my son Brandon dying, I became the proud owner of a natural and organic body and bath company. I started to learn so much about natural body products and reveled in putting the products together from scratch myself. Part of my new education was about essential oils, which I hadn't had much experience with previously. I found myself drawn to these scents after Brandon passed. Creating products became my sanctuary from the weight of my grief. Indeed, using essential oils for grief became an unexpected tool in my coping. One of my strongest memories to date of healing scents is of taking a buttermilk bath with a blend of rose, vanilla and grapefruit – heaven! The warm bath water had blended into a delicious mix of buttermilk, Epsom salts and scents. This bath released so much emotional tension from inside me I could almost feel it leave my body. Heaven scent: essential oils can help during grief Sometimes I'd go down to my basement with the essential oils and just start to smell whatever scent called to my emotional needs at the time. I began to notice trends in what I was drawn to and how it made me feel. Indeed, when it came to help healing my grief, there was definitely some mystic magic happening between me and my essential oils. Essential oils: the short and smelly version There's so much I could tell you about the healing power of essential oils and the many ways you can use them. Additionally, there’s the whole blending of them to create even more magic! But for now I will share a short version of what you need to know to start using these essential oils to help with your grief and healing. Essential oils are derived from plants, bark, leaves and other plant/trees preserving their essence, scent and healing properties. The best and easiest way to use them is to either inhale them or rub them on the skin. Only a small amount is required. “I found myself drawn to these scents after Brandon passed. Using essential oils for grief became an unexpected tool in my coping.” When we do this, essential oils combine with our bodies' natural processes to enhance our physical, mental and emotional well-being. Quality matters with essential oils, so buy the good stuff. Luckily, they are generally not very expensive. You should purchase oils that are pure and all natural with no synthetic scents added. The essential essential oils for grief I could give you dozens of options to start exploring, but for now I'm going to stick with some basic oils that should be easily available from any natural grocery store. Additionally, to keep it simple, I'll only list them individually and unblended with other essential oils. But keep in mind that there are many great blends that are packaged for a particular emotion, such as grief. 1. Essential oils for depression and anxiety These two oils are both calming essences. Bergamot Known to reduce tension and help with sleeplessness, bergamot is also an emotional powerhouse helping to release fear, anxiety, depression and support self-love. Lavender This essential oil for grief is one of the most well-known and popular essential oils and one of the few that truly has lots of scientific data backing up its calming effects. Be sure to use natural lavender, not a man-made synthetic. You can apply drops directly to pulse points and put a few drops on your pillow case before you go to bed to help if you can't sleep. Purple reign: lavender is the king of relaxing plants and oils 2. Essential oils for focus and clarity These two oils will help to clear your mind and focus. Peppermint Known for its uplifting properties, peppermint also clears the mind and increases focus. It's ideal for when you can’t let your grief stop you completing an important task. Rosemary This is a popular essential oil right now and for good reason. Rosemary increases both mental function and clarity. Some studies have shown that when it's combined with lavender it can reduce cortisol – the stress hormone. The 8 types of grief explained Holiday grief: 10 tips for coping What is disenfranchised grief? 3. Essential oils to lift spirits These essential oils will help to boost your well-being and manifest joy. Mostly any citrus Grapefruit is my favourite, but you can also use lime, sweet orange or lemon! Citrus is emotionally uplifting and produces positive outward energy. Rosewood Rosewood is known for its anti-depressive qualities and it's also used to reduce headaches and lift mood. On a side note, rosewood trees have been over harvested, so please use with a conscious spirit. Using essential oils for grief In the future I will most likely do a second post listing additional essential oils for grief. The fun part of using essential oils for grief is that you can play around with the oils to find out which work best with your own emotions and body. Enjoy trying these out and let us know in the comments below what works well for you! ● If you're struggling with grief, head over to our forum on grief to chat directly with other members of the community for support. Written by Paula Stephens Paula Stephens, M.A. is the founder of Crazy Good Grief, an organization that teaches positive growth and resilience after the loss of a loved one. Her work is inspired by the personal loss of her oldest son who passed away unexpectedly while home on leave from the Army. Paula is a speaker, yogi and life coach. She's also the author of From Grief to Growth: 5 Essential Elements to Give your Grief Purpose and Grow from Your Experience. Paula is a practicing Buddhist and recently became the first Buddhist Chaplain to work at the county jail where she lives. She's the mother of four boys and lives in Littleton, Colorado.

Tired of all the negative news in the mainstream media? These feel-good stories from September showcase all the positive things that are happening in the world. Ed Gould shares his Top Ten round-up from the month. There were many stories of hope and happiness in September. If you thought that feel-good news was thin on the ground throughout the late summer, then read on to discover some of the more optimistic news items which did not necessarily always get the attention they deserved. 1. Cancer blood test shows greater accuracy Diagnosing cancers in the body at an early stage is something that all medical professionals know could lead to improved recovery rates. Thankfully, a new test has been developed which offers high rates of accuracy. According to a story in The New York Post, over 20 different types of cancer can be detected with just one procedure. Following trials at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, extremely low misdiagnosis rates – less than a per cent – were established in what may be a game-changer in the fight against this ever-present disease. 2. Electric van technology gets a boost According to Autocar, the electric commercial vehicle industry has been helped thanks to a massive order from electronic retail giant Amazon. With a power source that requires no fossil fuels, the vans will be able to make deliveries without adding to global warming, so long as the electricity needed comes from renewable sources. Amazon has ordered 100,000 such delivery vehicles from Rivian, an electric car start-up company. 3. Saunas may help reduce heart disease risk According to The Independent, a research study has found that regularly taking saunas will help to protect the heart from disease. The work, published in the BMC Medicine journal, claims that cardiovascular disease is less common among the over-50s age group if they enjoy saunas on a frequent basis. The research was conducted in Finland over the course of a 15-year period. It's not yet known why saunas seem to be so beneficial for heart health in older age. However, one researcher said that it could be tied up with the fact that taking saunas is a relaxing activity that may help to lower blood pressure. Saunas could reduce heart disease shutterstock/Med Photo Studio 4. Smart glove may help those with Parkinson's Although there are many research avenues into Parkinson's disease including drug therapies, a Rhode Island professor has won substantial funding for another approach: a wearable technology that may help patients control their symptoms more effectively. As reported in Parkinson's News Today, Kunal Mankodiya, an associate professor of engineering at Rhode Island University, will be able to spend up to $250,000 to develop a so-called smart glove that will help exercise regimes to be individually tailored. The funding will hopefully allow Mankodiya to turn his prototype into a workable reality. RELATED: Feel-good news from August 5. Plastic bag usage dramatically drops in the UK The UK government announced that its data for plastic bag usage among consumers has fallen dramatically since a small charge of five pence per bag was introduced in 2015. According to the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, the use of single-use plastic bags has fallen by 90 per cent in the last four years. The data was drawn from across all of the UK's large retailers. In an unrelated announcement also made in September, major retailer Sainsbury's said it would completely do away with plastic bags for its fruit and vegetable sales by 2025. 6. Tree-planting program wins UN award In news that will bring happiness to anyone concerned with the destruction of the globe's ancient forests, a Chinese company, Ant Financial Services Group, has won praise for planting approximately 122 million trees in some of the country's driest areas. The United Nations Environment Programme said in September that the so-called Ant Forest green initiative in China had won its Champions of the Earth award for 2019. Chinese forest and lake shutterstock/Efired 7. Breakthrough technology allows blind people to perceive light In feel-good news that will be welcomed by anyone with vision impairment, a novel technology has been demonstrated in the US which allows blind people to gain more visual perception. A research team from UCLA Health have used surgical implants in four blind patients to allow them to perceive light and dark. A wireless device 'looks' at objects which then sends signals to the implant. The brain is then able to perceive the implant's stimulation as patches of light and dark. In some cases, blind people have been able to sense individual objects and even movement. 8. Carbon dioxide batteries developed Rechargeable batteries may seem like a good thing from an environmental point of view, especially compared with disposable ones. However, they're actually full of heavy metals and have an environmental impact when they reach the end of their lives. Battery developers have long sought an alternative and now carbon dioxide consumer batteries have been produced which are good for up to 500 recharges. According to Science Daily, a team at the University of Illinois in Chicago has come up with carbon-neutral batteries that may mean portable electrical products become greener than ever before to use. 9. The science of kindness gets its own institute Thanks to a substantial donation from the Bedari Foundation in the United States, UCLA will set up a new institute which will be entirely devoted to the scientific study of kindness. This is a world's first in which an interdisciplinary research institute into kindness will share its findings globally. UCLA's Chancellor, Gene Block, commented on the venture, saying that the UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute will bring together the best research into to this vital issue, allowing researchers from across the numerous scientific disciplines as well as external organisations to work with one another. In all, $20 million was given to establish the institute. RELATED: The power of kindness 10. Google announces huge investment into green energy As reported in The Guardian, technology giant Google has announced an investment program into renewable energy that is the biggest of its kind in corporate history. The investment – which will focus on both wind and solar energy production – is said to be worth an eye-watering $2 billion across 18 different commercial agreements. The corporation says that it wants all of its electrical usage to be matched by the green energy its investments produce. Much of the investment will be going to renewable energy companies in the United States and Europe. However, there will be a substantial spend in Chile, too, where Google has one of its big data centres. Main image: shutterstock/smileus Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Sticking to a regular meditation practice isn't always easy. Dee Marques runs through five ways you can overcome common meditation roadblocks so you can become more consistent in your practice. Do you find it hard to stick to your meditation goals, despite knowing about the many benefits of meditation? That disconnection between knowing and doing is common, so if something is stopping you from sticking to the plan, follow these five strategies to help you develop a regular meditation practice. 1. Confront your fears A clash between thinking and doing sometimes hides a layer of fear. Common fears include self-doubt, fear of finding that meditation practice uncovers a negative self, and fearing that stillness of the mind will lead to stillness of action. All these fears are small acts of self-sabotage, which usually kick in whenever we are trying to go outside our comfort zone. To tackle this, you first need to accept that it’s all in your hands. It’s up to you to rewrite your own narrative, from a self-defeating one to an empowering one. To do this, identify the stories you're telling yourself about your apparent inability to meditate, and create a different story by actually putting it in writing. Set aside 10-15 minutes every day to do this, and don’t underestimate the power of “self-editing” your life narrative. Indeed, studies have shown how effective this is in reversing negative or pessimistic thoughts and inspiring positive actions, so don’t let fears take over. 2. Habit replacement If avoiding meditation has become a habit, you should take steps to replace it with a positive one. To do this, think about how the habit you want to change became ingrained in the first place. You probably took a series of small decisions that reinforced each other and that stuck with you because they provided some sort of benefit. For example, you may procrastinate meditation because you want to have more free time. The key is to build a new habit that offers the same benefits and motivates you to stick with it. What if meditation was your free time? What if meditation helped you manage your time better? Changing habits can help build a better meditation practice Next, find what triggers the bad habit. Do you postpone meditation when you get distracted by your phone, the TV, or other activities that are associated with free time? Write down each trigger and find a positive action to replace each one of them with. Habit replacement takes time and multiple tries, so be prepared to learn from failure. 3. Parts integration If you know the benefits of meditation but can’t get around to practice consistently, there may be a conflict of interest between your motivation and parts of your conscious or sub-conscious mind. This type of conflict takes time to uncover, but you can make the process easier by using a neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique known as 'parts integration', the objective of which is to help you find greater coherence between thoughts, values and actions. RELATED: Gratitude meditation: the top 5 benefits and how to practise it The principles of parts integration are similar to those used in therapies that aim to bring unity between different parts of the self, such as Gestalt, client-centered therapy, psychosynthesis, and analytical psychology. All these strategies can help resolve internal conflict by making us pay close attention to different parts of our conscious and sub-conscious selves. As conflict subsides, focus and motivation get stronger and you'll be able to achieve your meditation goals. Determine the conflicting parts in the behaviour you want to change (e.g. knowing it would be good to meditate is “the good part” and not doing it is “the bad part”). “Identify the stories you're telling yourself about your apparent inability to develop a meditation practice and create a different story by putting it in writing.” With your palms facing up, picture each part resting on each palm. Ask each part what their final intention is, and keep asking the question until you come across a positive intention. For example, “the bad part” may want you to be productive and achieve lots of things during the day. As you bring your hands together, imagine the parts’ intentions helping each other achieve your ultimate goal. Make sure you have a clear image of what this would look like. Picture this new image of a successful you taking over other parts of your body. Establish steps that will help you support the good intentions of the integrated parts. 4. Moving meditation Another common thing that gets in the way of regular meditation is feeling that this isn’t really for you. This is particularly common if you're a very energetic person who has trouble sitting still for more than a few minutes at the time, or if you get bored easily. When thinking about a meditation session, the first thing that usually comes to mind is someone sitting in the lotus position. But you don’t have to feel confined to this position as you can experiment with alternatives like walking, standing, or other forms of moving meditation. For example, you may want to try Qigong, a type of moving meditation that can help still your mind without sitting. There are dozens of Qigong movements, but you can get started with the exercise known as “Separating Heaven and Earth”. Move and meditate: your practice can be non-static Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and with your arms to the sides. Take a deep breath while you cross your arms over your chest. Exhale slowly and at the same time lift one arm while you lower the other (keep your arms slightly bent as you do this). Repeat while you alternate which arms goes up and down, for as long as you want your meditation session to last. RELATED: Personal meditation – 7 factors to consider when choosing a style If you're concerned that moving meditation may not be as effective as sitting meditation, you needn’t worry. In several studies, Qigong practitioners reported feeling lower anxiety and stress levels, just as you would expect from other forms of meditation. Moreover, some researchers suggest that the physical exercise involved in Qigong can reduce bone loss rate and could lead to lower blood pressure too. 5. Share accountability It's true that there’s strength in numbers, and you’re not alone in your struggle, since nobody becomes an expert meditator without confronting fears and bad habits. If you don’t feel strong enough to address these issues, finding someone who's in a similar situation can help if you both agree to hold each other accountable and keep unrealistic expectations in check. Accountability partnerships work by adding an extra layer of responsibility, motivation, mutual support, and creative brainstorming, which all work together to improve goal achievement. With time and practice, you can become your own accountability partner, or help others overcome obstacles to meditation. One last thought to take away with you is: “whatever problem you face setting up a regular meditation practice, you can learn from it and thrive.” ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

By changing perspective to look at an apparently negative situation in a different way, we can imagine a more positive story – one that's more likely to lead to greater happiness. Ed Gould examines how gaining perspective also offers up a chance to consider others, too. It's part of human nature to think about oneself and to focus on what's going on around us, but this one-dimensional perspective can lead to a false sense of priorities. How do we break out from a parochial view of our lives and start to see things as they really are? By changing perspective, we can gain greater insights and gain deeper happiness. Changing perspective is a healthy exercise if we want to be empathetic, rational and more compassionate. However, changing perspective is not merely about seeing things from the point of view of another. It's just as much about gaining perspective. In other words, our sense of compassion for others need not be the driver for looking for an alternative angle on things. It can help us escape the happiness trap and develop a higher level of understanding, too. In fact, simply seeing things another way is good for us not only because it means getting out of a mental rut, but because of what we might be missing out on. Changing and gaining perspective: a classical illustration The famous Greek philosopher Plato once taught his pupils by coming up with an allegory of a cave. The prisoners in his cave cannot see reality, merely a shadow of it because they are in chains. All they need to gain a higher level of comprehension is to see what is causing the shadows to form – to see things as they really are. In the allegory, this would mean that the cave dwellers would need to break free from their chains. In a sense, altering our perspective on things means breaking free from mental chains. Happy help: change perspective and your mood, too! To extend Plato's metaphor in this manner is fair because a change of perspective takes effort. Most of us are happy enough to keep moving on in our lives the way we always have – especially if we feel a degree of happiness in our current situation. Nevertheless, unless the mental effort is made, we'll never know what lies beyond the cave or what is causing the shadows to fall against its wall. As such, changing and gaining perspective can be seen as the same thing. Changing your perspective: the benefits However, to get a handle on the advantages of a change of perspective, there's no need to go back to ancient Greece. There are plenty of illustrations from more modern times. The author and thinker Benjamin Grant cites just one such example. • JOIN US! Learn more about human connection and psychology • During the Apollo missions, when NASA was working towards putting a man on the moon, the astronaut Bill Anders took one of the most iconic images ever to have been captured by a camera. During the Apollo 8 mission of 1968, the spacecraft orbited the moon several times. As the ship passed by the moon's horizon, he was the first man to see the Earth rise from the moon's perspective. His world famous 'Earthrise' shot, according to Grant, is so iconic because it shows humanity from a different viewpoint. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } It should be said that this new perspective is no mere novelty which only looks pretty – although the image is beautiful. The point of view it offers is mind altering. That is its message, its benefit, if you will. The 'Earthrise' photograph captures all of humanity, bar the astronauts on the mission, and shows something that feels so anchored and permanent – our planet – spinning in the lonely vastness of space. “Changing perspective is a healthy exercise if we want to be empathetic, rational and compassionate.” If you think that such an image is mind-altering from Earth, then consider just how many astronauts have returned from space missions with a new perspective on life and humanity. This, Grant says, is the so-called 'overview effect', which is a consequence of space travel. It can cause profound changes in our brains. Grant has harnessed the 'overview effect' in his work. A creator of images, he takes some of the most stunning photographs captured by satellites above Earth and uses them to create pictures that are designed to alter minds back on the planet. A change of perspective: fruit orchards in Huelva, Spain © Benjamin Grant Whether his images are of the tulip fields of the Netherlands, fruit orchards in Spain or refugee camps in northern Kenya, he is exposing us to the truth, but not as we know it. The colours, the scale and the perspective – everything is shot from above, as you would expect – and gives us a view of the world we might know, but also knowingly ignore. His images offer us the chance to gain insights into the fragility of ecosystems, the plight of fellow humans and, yes, to simply marvel at the beauty of the planet. If you're looking for up-sides of gaining a new perspective, then as a way to increase happiness levels, it's right up there. If your focus is on something that you perceive to be negative in your life and you come at it from a different angle, then you can feel better about it. What's more, you might even find that it helps you to perform better as a result. This approach is called reframing and is just one way in which you can derive benefits from gaining new perspectives. Let's look at some more techniques that will allow you to feel more confident, less self-critical and to enjoy more happiness. Perspective and point of view: how to change yours For many, altering perspective means becoming less self-centred and moving to a more compassionate understanding of others and the world around us. By stepping outside of our usual perspectives, it can become possible to frame arguments in ways that motivate others instead of leaving them feeling rejected, for example. Seeing things as 'bad' without taking a fresh view can mean that we get set into a closed loop of negativity. Bright future: change your view and change your life For instance, a relationship breakdown can sometimes lead to negative feelings about one's self-worth. However, a changed perspective might be that becoming single is the start of something new. As a result of reframing your view, you might even gain a higher perspective of yourself, embracing the part of yourself which might not have felt room for self-expression within the relationship. In fact, academics have done plenty of research into the techniques that will allow us to see things in a new light. Here's a look at four of the ways you can change and gain perspective. 1. Reframing your past As previously mentioned, reframing your point of view can lead to tremendously helpful results and renewed chances of happiness. This is particularly effective if you reframe the way in which you see your past. For example, you might say that certain negative outcomes are always bound to happen because of 'the way you are'. You might have been told that you are impulsive or even hot-headed by others and believe this of yourself. “If your focus is on something that you perceive to be negative in your life and you come at it from a different angle, then you can feel better about it.” However, studies have shown that reframing a negative attribute from your past as a positive one can heighten your performance. Try relabelling your so-called impulsive past as creative, for example, and see how the new perspective can impact on your present. 2. A change of perspective: problem solving Expressing ourselves is optimistic – in other words, positive, complimentary and generous – and we will naturally develop higher levels of self-esteem and a healthier self-image. By getting into the habit of being positive, we can deal with criticism and setbacks much better. Not only does this altered perspective mean that we are better set against potential adversity, but our ability to problem-solve also becomes more efficient. In her book, Putting the Positive Thinker to Work, Potter outlines how reframing perspectives can augment levels of commitment, especially at work, and lead to greater persistence with tasks. This, she argues, is the foundation for most success in the workplace. Another viewpoint: change perspective, retell your story 3. Compassion and understanding By gaining new perspectives, we can become more compassionate to others. It's important not to fall back into bad habits of negative thinking, however. A daily ritual of positive affirmation of yourself and those around you can help to keep your understanding of the world fixed in a better perspective than it otherwise might be. • BE INSPIRED! Join our compassion and curious community • Indeed, so-called 'silver lining thinking' will help you to see the good in events and to reframe problems as challenges. If you can consciously interrupt negative thoughts that might pop into your head, then this will help you to remain the compassionate person you want to be. 4. Seeing the bigger picture Finally, seeing the bigger picture means sometimes taking a step back and creating time to gain the sort of perspective you'll need for your happiness and compassion. From an astronaut's point of view, seeing the bigger picture comes from literally taking in a macro view of the world. However, we can do this for ourselves, too. Take time to clear your mind, listen to the wind in the trees and rush a little less. Ask yourself what truly counts in your life and, of course, the benefits of meditation can help you to gain insights into what's most important. By changing your perspective on your life you can change the course of it and find greater joy. ● Main image: Benjamin Grant happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Gratitude | Work life balance | Quality time Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

Have you heard of The School of Life? It's an organization set up by experts in their field dedicated to improving lives, especially when it comes to relationships, careers and emotional well-being. Find out more... The School of Life was founded in 2008 by well-known public philosopher and author Alain de Botton. Alongside colleagues in the arts, education and cultural fields, the group started this London-based global institution dedicated to the pursuit of the better life. The school provides consultations and training for businesses. This includes a range of courses and services for individuals which are aimed at helping clients with relationships, careers advice and emotional well-being. It now has branches in London, Antwerp, Amsterdam, Berlin, Istanbul, Melbourne, México City, Paris, São Paulo, Sydney, Seoul, Taipei, and Tel Aviv. Never board: The School of Life is dedicated to a better life Help comes in the form of face-to-face therapeutic treatments and classroom-based sessions. The School delivers educational material through physical books, online books and films, a YouTube channel, and various educational tools. Many School of Life courses have received accreditation from the Continuing Professional Development Certification Service. The School is a partner in the Knowledge Quarter: a professional association that works towards the sharing and dissemination of ideas and knowledge. The humane spirit of The School of Life The School of Life bases its approach in the arts and humanities. It does this by exploring history, psychology, sociology, economics, politics, ethics and philosophical concepts. Alongside treatment of the inner aspects of the human subject, the School gives orientation in external social matters. These matters include responsible consumerism and entrepreneurship, and how to engage with culture and make one's place in the modern consumer-capitalist world, with all its challenges. “The School of Life bases its approach in the arts and humanities. It does this by exploring history, psychology, sociology, economics, politics, ethics and philosophical concepts.” The courses and therapies on offer encourage a realistic attitude to the concept of happiness. They pursue this and foster a sense of hopefulness and possibility with a humane spirit. Free of dogma and jargon or any particular ideology, they present challenging ideas to the individual. This is at the centre of everything The School of Life does. Down under: the window of the Melbourne branch of the School Aspects of modern living with which The School of Life can help: Improved parenting Being an understanding son or daughter Dealing with fear and anxiety Developing one's capacity for tolerance, forgiveness, appreciativeness and self-insight A more person-centred ethos in business and in the workplace Being comfortable with the acquisition of learning for its own sake, not only for passing examinations. “The courses and therapies on offer encourage a realistic attitude to the concept of happiness. They pursue this and foster a sense of hopefulness and possibility with a humane spirit.” The School of Life: goals The people at The School of Life do not lack ambition. It's their purpose to become a global hub for the promulgation of better emotional health. They employ various media to reach across nations with their philosophy. Which is about personal development and the psychological well-being in personal lives and in the workplace. The School aims to grow and bring its unique approach to finding solutions for emotional pain and confusion worldwide. In their own words, it 'wants to bring collective strength to the field of emotional health.' Check out The School of Life book and its website. ● Images: The book of life, YouTube, Colorbox.com Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

Many forces undermine efforts to help men to empathize with women and speak out against harassment and assault. Elizabeth Svoboda – on behalf of Greater Good Science Center – gives some ideas for overcoming them. At January’s Golden Globe awards, women seized the #MeToo moment in a big way. Nearly every actress in attendance wore black to signify support of sexual assault survivors and some spoke about their commitment to ending harassment and assault. Oprah Winfrey gave a barn-burning speech celebrating women’s dignity that led to some loose talk about her running for president. This backdrop of female solidarity made men’s silence suddenly visible. “Standing by like accessories,” wrote Claire Atkinson of NBC News, “men at the awards show failed to use the spotlight to bring attention to women’s inequality and the power of speaking up.” Though a few men did sport “Time’s Up” pins, something held almost all of them back from voicing that support openly. What was that force? While some might have consciously wanted to yield the stage to women at the Golden Globes, that doesn’t explain why so few later released statements in support — or why we don’t see much wider movement among men against sexual harassment and assault. Women are more than twice as likely as men to report being sexually harassed. It stands to reason that the people who are most negatively affected by a behavior are most likely to speak out against it. There are bystander training programs, such as Hollaback!, that help motivate people to act against harassment even if they are not members of frequently-targeted groups. However, efforts to teach men to empathize with women and intervene against harassment can be undermined by masculine ideals that put “bros before hos,” to quote one common expression. “The role of masculinity in some ways functions to retain structures of sexism,” says Emily May, Hollaback’s executive director. “There are questions that arise: If you’re not objectifying women, does that mean you’re less of a man?” Even empathic men who consciously reject negative ideals may — like many women — just not know what to do in the face of harassment and assault. Activists and researchers alike say mobilizing men will require spreading awareness about ways they can best intervene in fraught harassment situations. Actor Mark Ruffalo tweeted his public support to women at the Golden Globes Above all, would-be interveners must be willing to risk vulnerability and put themselves on the line. “Courage is what’s needed most right now,” says Mike Dilbeck, founder of the Response Ability project, who teaches workshops on how to intervene effectively. What stops men from taking a stand? The women and men at the Golden Globes are the stars of Hollywood movies. Watch one of those for ten minutes and our culture’s masculine norms come through loud and clear: Men should act macho, strive to score with women, and exert dominance wherever they can. Given the currency these norms still have in the Western world, it’s no wonder many men (though certainly not all) embrace them to fit in. “Even empathic men who consciously reject negative ideals may — like many women — just not know what to do in the face of harassment and assault.” When men in an Indiana University study scored highly on certain aspects of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory (CMNI) inventory — professing that men ought to dominate women, for instance, or that they should strive for a “playboy” identity — they were inclined to have more hostile and sexist attitudes toward women. Such anti-woman views bode poorly for these men’s potential to stop harassment, since intervention requires empathy and real concern for the target of a jibe or grope. Further research at Georgia State University confirms that when men were exposed to a misogynistic social norm, they were less likely to intervene when they witnessed sexual aggression. Men’s long-established position atop our society’s ladder of power may also affect their willingness to speak up. Subjects with a “high power” mindset in a Northwestern University study were less adept at reading people’s facial expressions, indicating an empathy deficit, and they were also less likely to take other people’s perspectives into account as they assessed a situation. Worse, the experience of having power can make people more likely to give in to their worst impulses. As Greater Good Science Center director Dacher Keltner writes: “Powerful men, studies show, overestimate the sexual interest of others and erroneously believe that the women around them are more attracted to them than is actually the case. Powerful men also sexualize their work, looking for opportunities for sexual trysts and affairs, and along the way leer inappropriately, stand too close, and touch for too long on a daily basis, thus crossing the lines of decorum — and worse.” It’s easy to see how deficits in empathy and social awareness could fuel a powerful boss’s assumption that harassing others — or even “grab[bing] ‘em by the p***y,” as Donald Trump once bragged of doing — is somehow OK. In fact, when participants in a University of Tennessee study were primed to recall wielding power over another, they scored higher on a scale that assessed their chances of sexually harassing in the future. But bystanders in power’s thrall might also be less apt to intervene on a victim’s behalf. Someone with low empathy will be less inclined to speak up for others, and someone drunk on power won’t want to risk losing a high-rung position to call out a colleague. Making harassment matter to men What’s the best way to flip these toxic scripts and empower men to speak out? To a certain extent, that’s an open question. There have been few studies to date on how to help men transform from passive bystanders to active ones when they witness harassment. “There is some excellent research on the bystander effect generally, but far less specifically [on] men in the context of sexual harassment,” says U.S. Naval Academy psychologist Brad Johnson, who cites a need for research-tested strategies to help men intervene confidently and consistently. Still, experts who work to mobilize men against harassment have gleaned some useful insights about what works — and the first step involves empathy. “Ninety percent of the work that you have to do is convincing them that it matters enough to intervene,” says May. This convincing could involve, say, having would-be interveners talk to people who’ve been harassed to get a sense of how being targeted has affected their lives. Women's March, January 20, 2018 Other research suggests that when men learn about suffering from a victim’s viewpoint, there’s a lower likelihood that they will sexually harass. That underscores the idea that to awaken men to harassment’s true impact, it’s critical for them to take the perspective of those being harmed — especially since prevailing masculine norms can blunt their empathy and awareness of that perspective. “We don’t think about harassment across the lifespan,” May says. “A lifetime of [harassment] has the same traumatic impact as more severe forms of violence.” “Other research suggests that when men learn about suffering from a victim’s viewpoint, there’s a lower likelihood that they will sexually harass.” This is why it is so necessary for the targets of sexual harassment to tell their stories, as many have done as part of the #metoo movement. Humans are born story-tellers (and story-listeners) — and as psychologist Paul Slovic’s work reveals, it’s personal stories, not dry statistics or generic platitudes, that most inspire people to act in unjust situations. Of course, for the stories to have impact, men need to hear them — and really take them to heart. From bystanding to “upstanding” From that place of empathy, men might be more motivated to make intervention a low-key, everyday practice — but they still need the tools to do that, which is why training and discussion are so important. Action can be as simple as saying “Cut it out” when a colleague tells a demeaning joke. The more people practice taking constructive action on a regular basis, notes psychologist Philip Zimbardo, the more effective they’ll be at intervening in the future. The force of habit, and the confidence that stems from prior action, take over — and that’s one reason workplace training programs can make a difference. If the harasser reacts angrily, we can learn to defuse the situation by separating the harasser’s action from his or her intention, which may not have been to hurt someone. “What you’re doing is acknowledging the emotio — like, ‘Hey, I hear that you’re really frustrated, that this is confusing,’” May says. “Then say, ‘Things like that can make our co-workers feel uncomfortable, and I know that’s not what you’re trying to do.’” Strength in numbers can help, too. Men who want to start calling out predatory behavior can cement their resolve by teaming up with friends or colleagues. Together, make a commitment to speak up when someone says or does something that assaults another’s dignity — and promise to back each other up when one person takes the lead in intervening. There are also structural solutions. Businesses and nonprofit organizations can hire and promote more women, which can shift the norms of the organization in women’s favor. To support men, company and organization managers can create an atmosphere where speaking up doesn’t mean breaking unspoken masculine codes or risking job status. Men considering calling out abuse or harassment “need to know they’re going to be protected,” Dilbeck says, “[that] if they do speak up somebody’s going to have their back.” Conversely, he adds, a good-old-boys culture can deter witnesses from speaking up about harassment. “If they’ve seen other people be ostracized, they’re like, ‘Oh, hell no!’” There's always a place for activism, online and in real life. Since storytelling is so key to moving people to action, we can amplify #metoo or #iwillspeakup stories on Facebook or Twitter. Speaking out against abusive language on social media can help change the tone of the discussion. In general, making statements for safety, consent, and respect on social media — and in face-to-face conversations — can support other men and women in the fight against sexual harassment and assault. We can march, when a march is called. We can vote for candidates who pledge to stop sexual abuse. All of these actions shape a culture in which those who call out harassment will be embraced, not belittled. Zeno Franco, who studies heroism and post-traumatic stress disorder at the Medical College of Wisconsin, thinks that we can turn masculine norms against sexual harassment and assault. “When has it ever been an acceptable norm that men instill fear in women? When has it ever been an acceptable norm that men turn a blind eye when other men harm women?” He says. “The role of men is at times tough, and unforgiving [regarding] calling to account of other men. Fathers, brothers, uncles need to stand up so that it is not just #metoo, but #youjustmessedwithmetoo.” Franco believes that older men must take the lead with younger ones, especially fathers with sons, setting unequivocal standards of behavior while still creating space for honesty and contemplation. “Knowing what to tell young men first means we need to have a frank conversation amongst ourselves, as fully grown adults, men and women, about these topics,” he says. “If handled correctly, these are moments for self-reflection and improvement on the journey to becoming fully a man.” For men (and women) who remain unsure about intervening, taking the long view of what’s at stake can help tip the balance toward action. Standing up for just one harassment victim could save dozens of potential future victims from a similar fate, Mike Dilbeck says. “You have no idea whose life you’re going to protect by speaking up.” ● Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.org is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu