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Feeling connected to others in a world that's increasingly individualistic may seem challenging, but as Dee Marques explains, there are some simple intimacy exercises you can use to develop stronger bonds, deepen connections, and improve the quality of your relationships. There's little doubt that humans are social beings. Feeling close to others contributes to our overall feelings of happiness and fulfillment. Indeed, there are plenty of studies that confirm this from a scientific point of view. In fact, scientists believe our brains are hardwired to be social and that our development as a species relied on our ability to maintain strong bonds. But although we live surrounded by people, loneliness and isolation are still some of the biggest social challenges of the 21st century. Indeed, researchers have noted that one can have a wide social network and interact regularly with others and still feel lonely or disconnected. This suggests that intimacy is a key factor in the development of meaningful connections with others. So, here are five easy intimacy exercises that can help deepen the connection you have with your partner and all the other important people in your life. 1. Meditation Meditation is a fabulous tool that can help you achieve greater awareness and connection with the world that surrounds us. Several studies have found that regular meditation practice has a positive effect on close relationships and helps develop a stronger sense of intimacy. According to these studies, there are several reasons why meditation works: first of all, meditation makes us more accepting of our own flaws, so we can easily become more forgiving of others. Secondly, meditation improves our ability to separate thoughts from emotions and makes us less 'reactive', so we can continue working on developing closeness, despite ups and downs in our relationships. Meditation helps deepen connections with others Shou-yi is a lesser-known form of meditation that comes from the Taoist tradition. The name itself means “to embrace the one”, so it's easy to see why this intimacy exercise can help deepen a connection with others. Shou-yi brings to the forefront of your mind the fact that in one way or another, we are all interconnected and interdependent. This technique is also known as “quiet sitting” and involves contemplative meditation based on Taoist philosophy: Sit down with your back straight Visualise the five 'yin organs', or bodily parts where energy resides: the liver, heart, spleen, lungs and kidneys. This could be compared to a body scan meditation, where you focus on one body part at the time Each yin organ has a colour associated to it. Liver is azure, the heart is a vivid red, the spleen is yellow, lungs are white and kidneys are dark blue. Focus on the relevant colour as you move through each body part According to Taoist scriptures, these colours also correspond to the five elements: wood (azure), fire (red), earth (yellow), metal (white) and water (dark blue) Visualize the flow between body parts, colours and elements The goal of this technique is to achieve a deep insight into oneness and bring a deep sense of harmony between humans, the earth and the cosmos. Once you are in the 'oneness mindset', it becomes easier to look at the forest instead of getting distracted by the trees (other people’s habits and traits that bother us). After all, there is a reason why Taoist philosophy has been used for peacebuilding and conflict management purposes. 2. Loving-kindness meditation A second intimacy exercise to help deepen connection is loving-kindness meditation (LKM). The ultimate goal of LKM is to strengthen compassion, love and appreciation for other beings, so it's an ideal technique to improve intimacy. RELATED: How to Improve Intimacy – 9 Techniques to Try A study of people who practised loving-kindness meditation for six weeks showed a reduction in the negativity levels of their relationships. Furthermore, participants reported having a stronger support network and felt increased happiness. The technique is also simple: Find a quiet space and choose a comfortable position Create a mantra, which should include good wishes towards others (for example: "May I be happy, healthy and free from harm. May you be happy, healthy and free from harm") Repeat the mantra in six stages: first direct it towards yourself, next towards someone who has had a positive effect in your life, then towards a relative or friend, next towards someone you feel neutral or have an occasional conflict with, then towards someone you dislike, and lastly, towards all beings While you repeat the mantra, picture those good wishes physically going from you to other people Here's another example of a loving kindness meditation by Jack Kornfield 3. Gratitude The third exercise is writing gratitude letters. Letting people know we value them and care for them can improve our relationship with others, since we become more likely to overlook people’s flaws, lessening any chance of conflict and helping us achieve a better appreciation of other people’s value. Gratitude letters can deepen connection because our feelings of gratitude are directly shown to the other person. This intimacy exercise has a strong impact on the quality of the relationship, as well as a lasting effect that can span several weeks, as shown by studies at the University of Pennsylvania. Even if you don't send the letter, putting your gratitude in writing makes you more aware of your positive emotions and is bound to make you feel closer to others. “Writing gratitude letters as an intimacy exercise can deepen connection because our feelings of gratitude are directly shown to the other person.” Gratitude letters work because when we direct our attention to gratefulness, we automatically divert it from toxic or negative emotions. And as some researchers have found, the benefits multiply over time, since cultivating an ongoing gratitude practice causes changes in brain activity in areas related to decision-making, meaning that there is a link between gratitude feelings and how we act towards others. Say thanks: gratitude letters are a great intimacy exercise 4. Getting to know you exercise The fourth method on deepening connections is a 36-question exercise that you can use to understand others better and get a better picture of who they truly are. For this intimacy exercise, you'll need to set at least 45 minutes aside and take turns asking the questions that you can find here. RELATED: 6 Types of Intimacy And How to Cultivate Them Research at US universities has shown that this exercise is effective in helping deepen connection and closeness between people. This is because the exercise relies on mutual self-disclosure as opposed to small talk. Furthermore, it requires both sides to open up, providing a safe environment where there's no fear of feeling vulnerable or one-sided. 5. Mindful listening Devoting time to properly listening to others (instead of simply exchanging views or acknowledging information) is one of the best ways of showing we care for them. Mindful listening is an intimacy exercise that can also help increase empathy, because in doing so we get to understand better other people’s motives, needs and fears, gaining a more accurate picture of who they are as human beings. “Meditation practice has a positive effect on close relationships and helps develop a stronger sense of intimacy.” So, next time you have a conversation with a partner or friend, focus on what they're saying without judging or interrupting, and do your best to be present in the moment, being supportive and receptive. It's also useful to have some guidelines in mind: Suspend assumptions Suspend judgement Suspend status (communicate on an equal-to-equal basis) Honour confidentiality Honour silence Deep listening works because by not being judgmental and overlooking differences in opinion, others feel more inclined to trust us. Overall, mindful listening improves the quality of our relationships and sets a solid foundation for authentic interpersonal encounters. Listen and learn: deep listening equals deeper connections The benefits of deeper intimacy We live in a society that's increasingly individualistic, so it's always good to remember the benefits of crafting a deeper connection with others and of cultivating intimacy in relationships. The benefits are both physical and emotional: being able to connect with others at a deeper level generates empathy, which has been proven to give a sense of purpose and to strengthen the immune system. Other studies show that stronger connectedness with others is a key component of our support system, can lower stress and anxiety levels, and has been linked to lower heart disease rates. Of course, lasting closeness, intimacy and loyalty will not come automatically. There is no magic pill when it comes to deepening your connection with others, but the five intimacy exercises we have discussed here are a good starting point that can help your enjoy richer and more meaningful relationships. ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Relationship advice | Communication skills | Learning Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Intimacy is more than just about sex and physicality. As Dee Marques explains, there are many different types of intimacy, such as emotional and creative. Discover how you can cultivate these intimacy styles to enhance your happiness and well-being. One of the things highlighted by the pandemic is just how important it is to have strong bonds with others. Social distancing, isolation and travel restrictions have become real challenges for many of us, and it’s normal to feel that something is missing. In many cases, what we’re missing is a real connection with others, or deep social bonds that foster a sense of intimacy. Indeed, intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, and not only romantic relationships but any bond with the people we love and care for. There are several types of intimacy we can develop with others for optimal mental health. And deepening the types of intimacy we have with other has benefits to our physical health too, since studies suggest that people who enjoy a close connection with others are less vulnerable to the harmful effects of stress, have better digestive health and improved sleep quality. I like to think about the different types of intimacy as a fishing net: the farther away you throw it, the more benefits you’ll reap. So, in this post I’ll outline the different types of intimacy that can help us feel more complete as human beings. The 6 types of intimacy Here's an overview of the six main types of intimacy we can all benefit from. 1. Physical intimacy This type of closeness is often limited to partners and close family members. With romantic partners, physical intimacy is usually but not exclusively expressed through sex. It also extends to hugging, kissing and physical closeness. RELATED: What Is a Situationship? Here Are the 6 Signs You're In One But there are other ways of developing intimacy with loved ones apart from being physically close. In fact, we’d be missing out on so much joy if we limited our understanding of intimacy to this single type. In fact, cultivating as many types of intimacy as possible is also important because physical intimacy is culture-dependent. Not all cultures (and people) are touchy-feely or feel comfortable in close personal contact with others, but that doesn’t mean intimacy is out of the question. Physical intimacy means more than just sex 2. Emotional intimacy This second type of closeness involves sharing our most private fears, concerns and dreams. High disclosure levels come with an expectation that the other person won’t judge or ridicule us, but rather offer support. This is hard work, and once again culture and personality play a big role determining our openness to emotional intimacy. But getting past those barriers is worth it: we can get relief when we’re able to open up to people who understand our emotions and accept us without judgement. 3. Intellectual intimacy Intellectual intimacy refers to sharing feelings and discussing views or thoughts. These could relate to plans for the future, values or opinions about social or political issues, but – and here’s the important thing – without getting into arguments. “If you want to work on any of the types of intimacy, you need to be ready to embrace your vulnerability and be open to letting your guard down.” This type of intimacy is born out of deep respect for others and for their understanding of the world, even if it’s different from ours. But having said that, it’s hard to feel close to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to ours, so finding like-minded souls is necessary to build intellectual bonds. 4. Experiential intimacy This is a type of intimacy that develops between people who go through the same struggles, joys or experiences. Finding someone who has gone through the same as us can and does bring people together, making us feel less alone and better understood. The events that shocked the world during 2020 illustrate this point and how important experiential intimacy is for mental health. There are other situations where it’s possible to achieve experiential intimacy, such as finding an exercise buddy or picking up a new hobby and finding an online community around it. RELATED: Try These 5 Intimacy Exercises to Deepen Connection 5. Creative intimacy This type of intimacy fosters self-expression through shared acts of creativity. It’s normal to feel closer or develop intimate relationships with people whose creative expression takes the same form as ours, whether it's writing, dancing, painting, cooking, etc. Developing creative intimacy with others can feed the much-needed inspiration to do meaningful work. At the same time, it can help create a strong bond with people who can inspire us to do our best. 6. Spiritual intimacy This doesn’t just mean sharing religious beliefs with others, although clearly spiritual intimacy can help people find support and acceptance in their church or congregation. Spiritual intimacy also extends to beliefs, values and morals on a wider scale. In a sense, it’s similar to intellectual intimacy but with a focus on personal growth. For example, if you have a mindfulness practice and find someone who does the same, it’ll probably be easier to share meaningful things with them. How to nurture different types of intimacy Here are some tips on how to develop the different types of intimacy outlined above. Accept vulnerability Becoming intimate with others requires a high degree of personal involvement and this can sometimes makes us feel vulnerable. But it's this vulnerability that makes us human and there’s nothing wrong in sharing worries or negative emotions. So, if you want to work on any of the types of intimacy discussed in this post, you need to be ready to embrace your vulnerability and be open to letting your guard down. Trust people To develop true intimacy we need to trust others instead of anticipating negative situations or behaviours that haven’t yet happened. Trust that your loved ones will be there for you and that their intention is a caring one, even if they don’t always respond as you expected. Which leads us to... Working on communication skills Trust can be eroded if people we have faith in react in unexpected or unsupportive ways. But don’t nurture resentment: maybe they didn’t mean what they said or you misinterpreted their words. Instead, express your feelings openly and without making accusations. We all make mistakes and we can all improve our levels of acceptance, as well as our communication skills. Cultivate creative intimacy through dancing, for example shutterstock/George Rudy Cherish everything Irrespective of the types of intimacy you have with other people, never take them or your shared experiences for granted. Make a point of letting people know how much these moments of intimacy matter, why they matter, and that you’re always there for them. RELATED: How to Improve Intimacy – 9 Techniques to Try Be present Even if virtual get-togethers are the norm these days, remember that presence is a matter of attitude as much as it is of the medium you use to connect. When you spend time in an intimacy-building activity, don’t allow distractions. Sometimes, giving our full and undivided attention to another person is the best gift we can make. Be patient Not everyone communicates in the same way or at the same pace. It may take some time for you (or for others) to open up and be comfortable doing so, so don’t get frustrated if things don’t flow smoothly at first. Intimacy is a lifelong pursuit, so be patient and try to enjoy every step of the journey. Takeaway: all types of intimacy are worth cultivating The ability to develop different types of intimacy with others is one of the things that make us human. All six types of intimacy we’ve discussed here can enrich your life and benefit your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Don’t expect to be able to build every type of intimacy with every person you know. Some people are naturally closer to us in their spiritual views, others in their experiences, etc. Instead, recognize people’s strengths and the unique value or contribution they bring to your life. They can all contribute to a deeper feeling of intimacy in their own way, and we can do the same for them too. • Main image: shutterstock/Jacob Lund happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Relationship advice | Deep listening | Compassion Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

By improving your emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner, you can boost your overall happiness levels. So, from talking more to avoiding secrets, here are nine ways you can improve intimacy through better connection. Are you looking to increase your intimacy with a partner? Or have you ever wondered why more intimacy could improve your overall well-being? The reality is that if you feel good about yourself, then the rest will follow, and it's just as much about what we say and how we act towards our partners as it is about sex. Obviously, sex leads to excitement and gratification. But what's equally as important is the closeness afterwards; mindfulness and cuddling, that helps to improves intimacy and well-being. A tiring day can take its toll. Having your partner to talk to at the end of it is both rewarding and stress-reducing. There are many other factors which can help with feeling good and boosting intimacy; a spontaneous kiss or hug, for example. Being sympathetic towards your partner’s feelings by responding to their mood will improve mutual well-being and harmony. Outlined below are nine techniques you can try that will increase the intimate part of your relationship and, in turn, your overall happiness quota. Increasing intimacy: 9 tips 1. Talk openly with your partner According to The National Centre for Biotechnology Information, relationships, whether they are short- or long-term, will affect us in many ways. One factor to consider is the depth and quality of the partnership. The research from the Centre shows that both physical and mental health can be affected. Indeed, children from unhappy or broken homes will find it harder to give themselves totally to a loving relationship by increasing intimacy. This lack results in friction between partners. It's considered to be a difficult problem to overcome, but honesty is always best. Talk openly together: a sympathetic lover will understand and take their time to resolve issues. Talking openly is essential for an intimate relationship 2. Boost your passion levels There are many ways of increasing intimacy. Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, quoted in an article by Susan K Perry Ph.D., discovered that, after carrying out a survey, physical intimacy was the most typical method. One of the reasons given was the lover's facial expressions: the closeness of giving oneself completely during lovemaking also helps to better well-being. Of course, sometimes it's enough just to be together, caressing and kissing. Just because this doesn't ultimately lead to intercourse, it's no less erotic or satisfying. 3. Understand your emotions, and that of your partner According to UWire, it's important to understand your emotions so you can talk together about more complex feelings. Indeed, it's especially important for couples to have emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy, to find a greater bond, without stress, which improves well-being. Think about it: it's not always that both partners feel like making love at the same time, so compromise is one key to increasing intimacy. RELATED: Want a Happy Sex Life? Here Are The 4 Key Secrets In fact, showing consideration and kindness will go a long way to improving and maintaining a relationship. If your partner is too tired, then a gentle massage with scented oils will arouse the senses and reduce stress. Perhaps they've had a bad day? Talk with your partner and try to understand their emotions to boost your mutual connection and improve intimacy levels. 4. Spend time together and do something different Happiness is an essential feature in both increasing intimacy and, of course, to make you feel happier. A research paper from the Harvard Medical School showed that by being grateful for life and everything it throws at us is the best way to see the goodness in ourselves. This gratitude, in turn, helps us to connect with others; to show them kindness and to understand their feelings better. “Showing consideration and kindness will go a long way to improving a relationship. Talk with your partner and try to understand their emotions to boost your mutual connection and improve intimacy levels.” Also, it improves health, the ability to deal with problems, and helps to develop strong relationships. And this applies not just to our partners, but to everyone. Many couples find that simply by doing things together, such as playing golf, tennis, travelling, being in nature, or simply walking the dog, can improve well-being which, in turn, can lead to increased intimacy. Indeed, don't get too used to the comfort zone of coming home after work, eating and watching Netflix together. While this shared time is enjoyable, getting out of your home and trying new activities will boost your connection further! 5. Tell each other your secrets Having secrets creates distrust, resulting in arguments, stress and, potentially, health problems. It's important to remember to listen and not to judge. When your partner tells you their secrets, they're doing it to unburden themselves as well as find understanding. Be mindful of just how difficult it is to talk about sensitive subjects. Listen carefully and be constructive with your questions and responses. This way many problems that have occurred can be resolved. Have fun by asking each other these ‘36 Questions That Lead to Love’ and get closer to each other while doing so. Remember: sharing your innermost thoughts and being able to compromise is crucial for mutual well-being. Sharing is caring: don't hide secrets Unsplash 6. Open up to increase mindfulness It's important not to try to change your partner, after all, this is the person that you fell in love with. You might find that you wouldn’t like them any other way! Be non-judgmental, kind, and sensitive to their feelings at all times. This will bring you closer together, thus increasing intimacy. By being open with each other, you will learn to sense when something is troubling them. RELATED: What is Intimacy Anorexia? Also, avoid confrontational moments by simply asking how they are feeling. This sort of relationship will improve well-being and harmonious coexistence. Each person will feel that they can be themselves. The same should hold true in the bedroom. Exchange ideas about what you both enjoy. This type of mindfulness will go a long way towards increasing intimacy and openness. 7. Think about getting a pet Sometimes opposites attract. How we interact together in a partnership depends very much on each individual and their need for personal space. This understanding also explains why some people transfer their affections to, for example, dogs. A 1997 study, 'Why Do People Love Their Pets?’ by J Archer, showed that people can sometimes give their pets far more affection than they do family members. “It's especially important for couples to have emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy, to find a greater bond, without stress, which improves well-being.” Pets are also beneficial to our health. For example, the act of stroking can lower blood pressure, reduce loneliness and give you a sense of being. Going for a walk with your dog is another example. Good exercise aside; it allows us to interact with otherwise complete strangers, brought together by a love of animals. RELATED: The Healing Power of Pets – 6 Key Health Benefits 8. Consider having more routine Some of us think that predictability is boring, while others relish it. However, Robert J. Sternberg, a Professor of Human Development at Cornell University, found that it can actually help in increasing intimacy. His quote in Susan K Perry PhD's article, states that: 'the partners are so connected with each other that the one doesn't recognize the other is there, just as the air we breathe can be taken for granted, despite its necessity to life'. Over time, we can become complacent about our partners' good and bad points. Often we know each other so well, we can live our lives together in complete harmony. However, getting into a rut should be avoided. Sending quality time boosts intimacy shutterstock/Syda Prodcutions 9. Happiness and kindness are of major importance By giving to others, we're far more likely to receive the same back. For example, a child brought up in a loving family environment where hugging and kissing are the norm is more likely to grow into an adult that's willing and happy to show affection. Mary Jo Kreitzer, PhD, states that all relationships, casual or intimate, are essential to our feeling of happiness. This, in turn, helps children to grow into open-minded, confident individuals. Bean Robinson, PhD, in the same article, states that: ‘We are very social creatures. In terms of sex, there seems to be a real need for touch and connection’. Being aware of this can lead the way to increasing intimacy. In order to boost well-being by improving intimacy, it's important to have positive feelings about yourself. Be open and thoughtful towards your partner, while at the same time appreciating the wonderful times together and putting any unhappy memories firmly in the past. ● Main image shutterstock/Roman Chazov happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Communication skills | Learning | Relationship advice Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

If intimacy doesn't come naturally to you, new research suggests ways to improve your romantic relationships. By Elizabeth Hopper on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. When people are uncomfortable with developing intimacy and closeness in their relationships, can they work to overcome this? The tendency to distance yourself from others is characteristic of an “avoidant attachment style,” which research traces back to childhood. When caregivers are available to respond to children’s needs, attachment theory says, children develop a secure attachment style: they trust others and feel comfortable relying on the people they are close to. However, when caregivers fail to meet children’s needs, they can develop insecure attachment: either attachment avoidance or attachment anxiety (the worry that others will fail to be there for them). Together apart: those with attachment issues find it hard to trust Unfortunately for some, attachment style seems to be relatively stable over time. Indeed, research has found that people with secure attachment styles tend to have more stable and long-lasting romantic relationships as adults, whereas people with more avoidant attachment styles tend to experience more negative emotions in social situations and often behave in less constructive ways during conflicts. However, a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that people can actually start to change their attachment style over time and feel better about their relationships — and it might not be as hard as we think. Secure attachment: a study In one experiment, 70 heterosexual couples completed surveys about their relationship and then participated in a series of brief activities in the lab. Half of the couples completed activities designed to increase closeness and intimacy: they took turns answering questions about themselves (similar to these 36 questions, which other researchers have found to increase feelings of closeness). They also participated in partner yoga, where they held hands or otherwise connected to create poses. (The other half of the couples discussed more impersonal questions and participated in individual yoga). “The tendency to distance yourself from others is characteristic of an 'avoidant attachment style,' which research traces back to childhood.” After the intimacy-building exercises, participants with more avoidant attachment styles rated their relationships as higher-quality than they had beforehand. Meanwhile, participants with more secure or anxious attachment styles did not report increases in relationship satisfaction, nor did the couples who completed the other activities — suggesting that intimacy-building can uniquely benefit people with avoidant attachment. The benefits of connecting through shared activities appeared to be long-lasting, as well: according to a survey of participants, one month later, more avoidant participants who had done intimacy-building had actually decreased in attachment avoidance. Ride forward: connect more through shared activities The researchers found similar benefits for spontaneous interactions that couples had at home. In a different study, 67 heterosexual couples in long-term relationships filled out diaries each night for three weeks about their feelings and their partner’s behaviours towards them. Listen and be loved The researchers found that when participants’ romantic partners acted in positive ways — such as listening to them or making them feel loved — the participants felt more positive emotions and fewer negative emotions, and rated their relationship as higher-quality. These links were most pronounced for participants with more avoidant attachment styles, suggesting (again) that they can especially benefit from good experiences in a relationship. Importantly, the activities that helped people with an avoidant attachment style didn’t require a huge effort or time commitment. The researchers found that even simple things, like taking turns answering thoughtful questions with your partner or trying an activity together, can have benefits. (Another experiment they conducted found that simply reflecting on positive relationship memories could help reduce the elevated negative emotions that avoidantly attached people tend to experience.) Sarah Stanton, assistant professor at the University of Edinburgh and lead author of the paper, explains that changing your relationship can start with straightforward activities like these. As she tells Greater Good, “It really can just be as simple as talking to your partner and opening up a little bit.” ● This article was written by Elizabeth Hopper and originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Elizabeth Hopper, Ph.D., received her Ph.D. in psychology from UC Santa Barbara and currently works as a freelance science writer specializing in psychology and mental health. Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Can spicing up your sex life using BDSM techniques promote intimacy between you and your partner, leading to a better relationship and increased happiness? Abi Brown thinks so... 'Kink' and 'BDSM' can seem like intimidating terms for those of us who've never been involved in that type of community. The unknown is always a little scary, after all, and popular media promotes the idea that these lifestyles are strange, mysterious things that go on in grim dungeons between people dressed in latex suits and intimidating leather outfits. Behind all that, though, lies a truth you might be surprised to learn: the true core of BDSM is trust, and trust – as we all know – breeds intimacy and closeness between partners, and is essential to the workings of a healthy and happy relationship. So, what can the rest of us learn from the BDSM community about how this works? Why trust is the core of all good BDSM For people in ongoing kinky relationships, the bond between a dominant partner and their submissive can be one of the strongest and most reliable either of them will ever experience. BDSM takes its practitioners to deep psychological spaces together, and sharing those experiences promotes bonding. It’s also true that you cannot practice safe BDSM with someone you cannot trust, and that every time you give some of your power over to someone and they handle it carefully, they’re proving to you that you can trust them implicitly. For example, when someone is tied up, they’re relying on their partner to set them free again; when someone is being spanked or beaten, they’re counting on their partner to respect their limits and their pain threshold and not to mess it up. All tied up: BDSM play requires trust These practices work like trust exercises; they’re the sexual equivalent of falling backwards into thin air and knowing that your partner will catch you before you hit the ground. Over time, people who engage in these activities together frequently will develop a profound mutual trust that it can be harder to come by in so-called 'vanilla' relationships. Five ways to promote intimacy and trust If all that sounds good to you, don’t worry – nobody is suggesting that you go out and buy yourself a PVC catsuit – unless you think you might enjoy the experience! There’s more than one way to make use of this knowledge. Indeed, you don’t have to be interested in BDSM to be interested in some of the benefits it can bring. “The true core of BDSM is trust, and trust – as we all know – breeds intimacy and is essential to the workings of a healthy and happy relationship.” If you’d like to harness the ability of kink to promote intimacy between you and your partner, why not try out a few of these simple ideas together? You never know: you might discover a whole new world of things that get you both going. 1. Introduce a blindfold to the bedroom Imagine for a moment that you’re experiencing some of the most intense sexual pleasure of your life... but you’re blindfolded. You don’t know exactly what your partner is going to do next, and you’re finding that the physical sensations are heightened by the loss of sight. This is a hugely intense experience for many people, and could completely change the way you feel what’s going on! Almost everyone can enjoy a bit of blindfolded sex: it’s a great way to deepen the sensation of trust between you and your partner. 2. Speak more openly and honestly about your sexual self BDSM encourages people to share their fantasies in ways that other relationship types don’t. There’s a lot to be said for opening up in this way, though. Indeed, there’s nothing more intimate than discovering that your partner is a safe space, to be honest about your deepest desires. After all, and if they’re also interested in trying those things out you might find yourself having some of the best sex you've ever dreamed of. Stay open: discuss your sexual desires and needs 3. Embrace the power of symbols to bring you together We all know what wedding and engagement rings symbolise, but did you know that many people in BDSM relationships have a whole extra symbol that can be equally meaningful to them? Submissive partners will often wear a collar – sometimes a discrete or symbolic one that can be worn all the time – as a reminder of the nature of their relationship. There’s no need to wear a collar unless you happen to want one, of course, but there’s a lot to be said for private symbols that remind you of the bond between you and your beloved – like matching bracelets, for example. 4. Discover the endorphin rush of a light spanking Being spanked causes your brain to produce endorphins, meaning that you can get the same kind of euphoric high from a good spanking as you can from a good workout session. Don’t worry about your pain threshold: ask your partner to start light, and never feel pressured to take anything you’re not comfortable with. In addition to the natural hormonal rush, many people find that spanking is a profoundly intimate activity for both partners and one that can make you feel closer together when you’re done. “There's nothing more intimate than discovering that your partner is a safe space, to be honest about your deepest desires.” 5. Formalize some of your likes, preferences and limits It’s standard practice in the BDSM community to have a list of ‘favourites’ and ‘limits’: things you’re especially keen to do and things that you're not comfortable with doing. This idea has a lot to say for itself in vanilla relationships, too; by being clear and honest with both yourself and your partner about what you like most and what you have no desire to try (or try again). You’ll learn more about your sexual self as well as theirs, and be well on the way to a healthier and happier sex life – complete with all the intimacy that brings. Whatever you choose to do, it’s important to remember that you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into trying things you’re not comfortable with and that trust and safety should be at the forefront of your mind – and your partner’s – at all times. ● Main image: colourbox.com Written by Abi Brown Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery.