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Finding happiness isn't always as simple as opening a box labeled joy. Some people find it in the most unexpected places, like BDSM submission. Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her personal journey of overcoming a troubled past and finding her inner peace... What is happiness? It doesn’t come in a neat little package titled, “open me for joy”. So, I had no idea how to find it. As with many girls I knew growing up, my thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence. Happiness, according to everything I knew at this time, came in the form of having things that other people could see. Happiness was external. Yet as I got older and achieved these goals, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. And this was confusing. My whole life I heard that if I had these things, followed this plan, then everything would be OK. That I would be happy. So I got those things, followed that plan and was most definitely not happy! While I loved my husband dearly and adored my children, the problem was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere. Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realized this whole time that I had looked outwards for happiness when I should have been looking inwards. But for me, looking inwards caused a problem... inside, I was an emotional mess. “My thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence.” Many years ago I’d experienced a lot of trauma and my inside was not such a happy place. Certainly, not somewhere I'd look for happiness anyway. While in therapy I actively began to deal with my diagnosis of Complex PTSD. We've all heard of soldiers coming back with PTSD, but Complex PTSD is a bit different. It generally starts earlier in life but not always. It's a trauma brought on in the form of a power dynamic struggle between the sufferer from a caregiver (or other interpersonal relationship) and is long-term. Letting go of control To cope with my pain, I kept part of me kept closed off, in order to stay safe. On the other hand, this also cut me off from being able to find joy in life. I was in a constant state of defence, sometimes known as 'fight or flight' mode. This constant state of stress was protecting me from getting better. In order to heal on a fuller and deeper scale, I needed to let down my walls. I understood what I should to do, but I’m stubborn. To be that vulnerable was scary. Not because I didn’t trust the people in my life, but because it meant letting go of my control. Staying in control is what kept me safe, or so I thought. Spelling it out: PTSD Reaching out for help After trying many different approaches and having discussions with my therapist and husband, we decided that sexual submission might be good for me. It would be a way to get me out of my comfort zone and let go of control in a safe and consensual environment. But my husband wasn’t into domination to that extent, so I began looking elsewhere. Since my husband and I are polyamorous (meaning we are in an open relationship), I ended up finding a Dom that I met through networking with others. We began talking, and soon, I was submitting to him full time. My Dom focuses on helping his submissive partners become better versions of themselves. His focus for me was about helping me be the best mom, wife, and friend I could be. While at the same time, helping me to find joy and success in life. My Dom's focus was to help me find the happiness I was missing. To help me overcome my reliance on external things for happiness. He helped me to find the inner happiness I couldn't find through all the external things I'd acquired. My Dom helped me relearn how to find internal happiness. BDSM submission as a tool Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace. I found a more fulfilling way to love, that inner happiness I was searching for all those years. Finally, I found joy. And all through BDSM submission. By using it as a tool to heal. In handing over my control to him, I allowed myself to trust others. This external trust is what led to my growth and healing. My Dom created a safe space for me to deal with my trauma— both physically and emotionally. He helped me re-contextualize the horrible memories I had. “Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace.” Creating new memories and contexts for the old hurtful ones was only possible through having this safe space. It wouldn’t have been possible without handing over my control to him. Complete submission meant I could get out of my head and allow someone else to take the lead. To help me process and heal. So that, in the end, I could find happiness and learn to trust in others again. This also gave me power. I was choosing to give my control to someone else. This turned things around. It became my choice to allow my Dom to be in control. Submission is a choice. It's never forced, and that is the difference between my past and now. My first steps toward happiness Taking the initial steps wasn’t easy, though. While my husband was supportive, I received a lot of judgment from someone close to me at the time. And criticism came from all around. A lot of people challenged my political beliefs. They told me I wasn’t a feminist anymore. Many claimed that what I was doing wasn’t safe. Mostly because they didn't understand what it was that we were doing. People told me that I wasn’t as powerful if I submitted. And I almost listened. I almost gave in and ran the other way. Overcoming things that certain people said was a big part of what I had to do. I also had to deal with my own self-judgment which came after. Which is often harsher than any external criticism. There were judgements coming at me from all angles. In the end, part of me finding happiness meant accepting who I am fully. A big part of who I am that brings me inner happiness, is as a submissive to my Dom. BDSM submission taught me to let go in a way that I couldn't before. It helped me to release trauma and pain so I could replace it with joy and pleasure. Submission changed my life in many positive and healing ways. It brought me the happiness I sought for so long. Submission allowed me to look inward instead of outward for my joy. I no longer fear the darkness inside me. It’s safe to look inside myself. Through BDSM submission, I’ve learned to be a more supportive and loving wife, a better mom, and a true friend. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

Having a bad day? Don't beat yourself up: get some self-compassion instead. Thankfully, this infographic from Anna Vital is the perfect pick-me-up. Tine Steiss says check it out and learn how to be good to yourself! Anna Vital has created this amazing infographic about self-compassion. 'How Not to be Hard on Yourself' is a joyful everyday reminder of the steps towards both happiness and self-compassion. With this fun and easy-to-follow infographic, learning how to have self-compassion is easy! Consider printing it out and putting it on your desk at work or on the fridge at home, for simple reminders to help you be nice to yourself! Every time you have some self-doubt or are feeling bad about yourself or your choices in life, focus on the graphics and start to feel better! A lot of on this infographic is about how you relate to other people: Surrounding yourself with people who want you to succeed! Remember, you don't have to always stand alone! Although sometimes you'll have to when your opinion isn't shared by the group. But don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Try not to compare yourself with others and their lives. It's like comparing apples and oranges: they just aren't the same. When other people give your criticism, try to learn from it and become a better person. They are not usually saying these things to bring you down. Other important points: Learn from your mistakes! There's no right way to do anything in life, so why not give it a try? Don't be so hard on yourself about your past. Learn what you can from it, make goals and move on. Anger and weaknesses can be turned into strong and productive motivators. They say it takes 10,000 hours to learn a new skill (Mr. Kaufman claims otherwise), so try, try again. Support Anna Vital by buying one of her prints. Smile and remember to be self-compassionate! ● Written by Tine Steiss Tine is an artist, meditator, media engineer and student of happiness. If she is not traveling she's working on turning her rooftop terrace into an urban garden paradise. Find out more about her on: Instagram and Facebook

By balancing our physiology and nervous systems, body-based practices can help us through hard times. By Linda Graham on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. Stuff happens. Another car suddenly swerves into your lane on the freeway. You misplace your keys and wallet two minutes before you need to catch your bus to work. You shred the wrong client file at the office. These mini-disasters create quite a startle in your nervous system — a rush of adrenaline that helps ready your body for “fight or flight,” our natural defense against perceived danger. But if your body is hit with adrenaline for every little thing that goes wrong in life, it can tax your capacity to cope, making recovery from future setbacks like these even more difficult. Luckily, it’s possible to strengthen your own body-based somatic intelligence to quickly respond to and recover from any sense of threat to your safety or well-being. What is somatic intelligence? It’s understanding how your body responds to danger and using that knowledge to support your body as you go through life — which, if you’re human, is bound to be filled with at least some adversity. In my new book, Resilience: Powerful Practices for Bouncing Back from Disappointment, Difficulty, and Even Disaster, I explain many of the resources we have within us to build up our resilience. While the book outlines several resilience tools — including those aimed at improving emotional, relational, and reflective intelligence — building somatic intelligence is key to all of these. Without it, it’s difficult to engage in any of the other practices available to you. “Luckily, it’s possible to strengthen your own body-based somatic intelligence to quickly respond to and recover from any sense of threat to your safety or well-being.” To better support our natural somatic intelligence, we need to soothe our nervous system through body-based practices that steady our brain’s perceptions of and responses to danger and help us retain a sense of safety. Once we master some of these techniques, we are prepared for more resilient coping, learning, and growth. Here are some simple practices I recommend in my book, each of them grounded in neurophysiology. 1. Breathing To breathe is to be alive. Every inhalation you take activates the sympathetic branch of your nervous system a little bit (a lot when you overreact to something and hyperventilate), while every exhalation activates the parasympathetic branch a little bit (a lot when you feel scared to death and faint). That means that your breath goes through natural cycles of energizing you and relaxing you. We can intentionally use this rhythm of gently breathing in and out to reliably regulate the revving up and shutting down of our nervous system. Simply pause for a moment and focus your attention on your breathing. Notice where it’s easiest to sense the sensations of your breath flowing in and out — your nostrils, your throat, in the rise and fall of your chest or belly. Take a moment to experience some gratitude for the breath that sustains your life, every moment of your life. Breathing, with one hand on the heart, can soothe you 2. Deep sigh A deep sigh is your body-brain’s natural way to release tension and reset your nervous system. Simply breathe in fully, then breathe out fully, longer on the exhale. Studies have shown that a deep sigh returns the autonomic nervous system from an over-activated sympathetic state to a more balanced parasympathetic state. Even as what you’re coping with becomes more challenging, you can deliberately pair any moment of tension or frustration with a sigh to shift your physiology into a relieved and more relaxed state, thereby enhancing your chances of seeing clearly and choosing to respond wisely to what’s happening. 3. Touch To soothe the nervous system and restore a sense of safety and trust in the moment, it helps to use the power of touch. Warm, safe touch activates the release of oxytocin — the “tend and befriend” hormone that creates pleasant feelings in the body and is the brain’s direct and immediate antidote to the stress hormone cortisol. Oxytocin is one of a cascade of neurochemicals that are part of the brain-body social engagement system. Because being in the presence of other people is so critical to our well-being and safety, nature has provided this system to encourage us to reach out to others and connect. That’s why touch, along with physical proximity and eye contact, evokes a viscerally felt sense of reassurance that “everything is OK; you’re fine.” 4. Hand on the heart Research has shown that placing your hand over your heart and gently breathing can soothe your mind and your body. And experiencing the sensations of touch with another safe human being, even recalling memories of those moments, can activate the release of oxytocin, which evokes a feeling of safety and trust. This is a practice that takes advantage of breath and touch, but also memories of feeling safe with another person. Here's how it’s done: Place your hand on your heart. Breathe gently, softly, and deeply into the area of your heart. If you wish, breathe a sense of ease or safety or goodness into your heart center. Remember one moment, just one moment when you felt safe, loved, and cherished by another human being. Don’t try to recall the entire relationship, just one moment. This could be with a partner, a child, a friend, a therapist, or a teacher; it could be with a spiritual figure. Remembering a loving moment with a pet can work very well, too. As you remember this moment of feeling safe, loved, and cherished, let yourself savor the feelings of that moment. Let yourself stay with these feelings for 20 to 30 seconds. Notice any deepening in a visceral sense of ease and safety. “Placing your hand over your heart and gently breathing can soothe your mind and body.” Repeat this practice many times a day at first, to strengthen the neural circuitry that remembers this pattern. Then practice this exercise whenever you experience the first signal of a startle or an upset. With practice, it will enable you to back out of a difficult emotional reaction before it hijacks you. Make a move: placing hands on your hips can make you feel confident 5. Movement Any time you move your body and shift your posture, you shift your physiology, which, in turn, shifts the activity of your autonomic nervous system. Therefore, you can use movement to shift your emotions and your mood. For example, if you're feeling scared or nervous, research has shown that taking a pose that expresses the opposite of that — putting your hands on your hips, your chest out, and your head held high — will make you feel more confident. Yoga poses can increase your confidence, too — perhaps even more so than poses associated with social dominance. So, if you're experiencing any state of fear, anger, sadness, or disgust, try shifting your posture. Let your body move into a posture that expresses the emotional state you want to develop in yourself to counteract what you’re feeling. I’ve found that working with my clients on this technique can sometimes really shift something for them, as they discover that they actually have the means inside of themselves to deal with these difficult emotions. There are many more practices outlined in my book that you can use to cultivate more calm in the body, restore your natural physiological equilibrium, and access a deeper sense of safety and well-being that primes your brain for more resilient learning and coping. By practicing these tools, you will not only cope better with any upset or catastrophe and bounce back better from any adversity, you will also learn to see yourself as someone who can cope. And that sense of being able to soothe yourself after setbacks is the beginning of developing true resilience. ● This essay is adapted from Resilience: Powerful Practices for Bouncing Back from Disappointment, Difficulty, and Even Disaster (New World Library, 2018, 304 pages) by Linda Graham, MFT. Subscribe to her newsletter and learn more about her work. Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.org is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu