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Positive energizers are optimistic souls that naturally radiate good vibes to others. Psychologist Stanislava Puač J. offers up the 7 traits of positive energizers and explains how you can nurture more positive relational energy in your life, building happiness. I recently came across the notion of positive relational energy and I immediately remembered something that happened during my college volunteer days. We were working with emotionally heavy cases – stories of trauma and disadvantage that stayed with you long after the day ended. One evening, our team met to report on progress, and we were all visibly drained. One of the coordinators walked in, carrying a tray of mismatched mugs and those overly sweet 3-in-1 instant coffee packs we all secretly loved. But it wasn’t the coffee that lit up the room – she cracked a soft joke about how we ourselves were one emotional breakdown away from qualifying for group therapy, and – genuinely – asked how we were doing. Energy is contagious: positive energizers know it! Of course, that moment didn’t change much in the burden we were carrying. But you could clearly see how the energy shifted. We laughed together and the heaviness dissipated. We all grabbed that straw of optimism and held on to it. If a conversation such as this has ever left you feeling unexpectedly lighter, you’ve probably felt the effects of positive relational energy. Let’s unpack what this concept means, how it works, and how you can become one of these people with positive, contagious energy. What Is Positive Relational Energy? Energy is contagious; I intuitively knew that all of my life. Some people walk into a room and lift the entire emotional atmosphere. Others literally drain life force out of you. “Positive relational energy refers to the uplifting and energizing effect that some people have on others. In simpler terms, when we interact, we exchange not only information but also a dynamic flow of energy.” This interpersonal effect is known as relational energy – a term Kim Cameron explored in detail. According to him, positive relational energy refers to the uplifting and energizing effect that some people have on others. In simpler terms, when we interact, we exchange not only information but also a dynamic flow of energy: Positive relational energy is the kind that inspires, motivates, and leaves people feeling better. It’s more than optimism or a forced “good vibes” act. It is grounded in genuine empathy, presence, and authentic connection. On the other hand, negative relational energy manifests as cynicism, constant complaining, competitiveness, or emotional withdrawal. We often label these people energy vampires (because even short interactions with them can leave you mentally and emotionally exhausted). Although Cameron focuses primarily on the effects of positive relational energy in leadership, this vibrant and uplifting exchange can occur naturally in all forms of communication, for example: A family member’s supportive presence can de-escalate conflict or reinforce bonding. A positive energizer can make friends feel secure, seen, and recharged – turning even ordinary moments into sources of connection and strength. In psychotherapy, we can also say that we rely on such positive relational energy to form rapport. So, in essence, relational energy is that invisible current we exchange during shared experiences. 7 Qualities of Someone with Positive Relational Energy Positive relational energy is more than that instinctive feeling that energy is contagious. In fact, it is measurable – and it has been measured – as well as its effects. Within a work environment, research suggests that teams with more positive energizers are more productive, resilient, and cohesive. According to the same study, leaders who create positive relational energy “display humility, authenticity, work passion, humor, trust, spiritual leadership, and servant leadership.” Let’s examine how these individuals’ positivity is contagious and what traits they possess: 1. They’re emotionally attuned Positive energizers are also empaths. They notice how others feel and have high emotional intelligence. They have an emotional radar that picks up others’ discomfort, disengagement, or tension. And most importantly, they respond with warmth and non-judgment. 2. They listen deeply People endowed with positive relational energy make people feel heard. They nod, reflect, and create a safe space. They go beyond active listening and give the kind of attention that says: “You matter.” Deep listening is a key trait of positive energizers 3. They elevate rather than compete It is not always easy to genuinely celebrate others’ wins. Envy is defined as “an unpleasant, often painful emotion characterized by feelings of inferiority, hostility, and resentment caused by an awareness of a desired attribute enjoyed by another person or group,” by researchers who reviewed empirical and theoretical work on this feeling. “Choosing to be a positive energizer doesn’t mean denying stress or sugarcoating reality. It is about appreciating the beauty of life and passing that appreciation onto others.” Despite its negative hue, most of us tend to experience envy at some point in our lives. Positive energizers, conversely, don’t rely on comparison to feel worthy. Their energy reinforces mutual success, not status games. 4. They radiate solution-focused optimism People whose positivity is contagious also have bad days. However, they don’t focus on problems – but on paths guiding everyone out of trouble. Their default tone is constructive, not corrosive. 5. They use humor wisely Positive energizers know when to bring lightheartedness – as well as when not to. A light, playful remark at the right moment can defuse tension, and these individuals know just the right dose of humor. 6. They’re generous with genuine praise and gratitude Praise, appreciation, and gratitude can have a profoundly positive impact on both the giver and the receiver. If someone carries that positive relational energy, they will notice what’s going right and say it out loud. In this way, their contagious energy boosts not only individual moods but also team morale. RELATED: Happy Habits: 12 Ways to Build Joy Levels Daily The Power of Kindness: the Ripple Effect of Being Nice When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading! 7. They model integrity and trust People feel safe around a person whose positivity is contagious. Why? They behave in this manner in all life situations. They are consistently positive and respectful. That safety is part of the energy they radiate. How Can I Develop More Positive Relational Energy? You don’t need to be born as a positive energiser. Much like empathy or leadership, positive relational energy can be nurtured. Here’s how you can take the traits outlined above and turn them into intentional habits and small, everyday actions: 1. Enter the room with intentional awareness The foundation for positive energy exchange is mindful presence. Start building awareness of yourself and your effect on others. You can try to: Take a mental note of how your mood might be affecting others whenever you interact with them. Pause before meetings or conversations to ask yourself: “What energy am I bringing into this space?” Be conscious of your non-verbal communication, too (body language, gestures, etc). 2. Rewire your internal world and fill it with gratitude Gratitude shifts your focus from a scarcity to an abundance mindset – and people feel that shift. What is more, it becomes contagious. These are some of the practices you can try: A quick “what went well today” reflection at the end of each day. Expressing appreciation out loud, even for small things. 3. Use listening as a relational tool, not just a social skill We often think we’re listening when we’re really just waiting for our turn to speak! When you intentionally listen, it is not a void space – active and mindful listening creates energy. To develop in this area: Release the need to mentally script your response. Offer simple reflections like, “That sounds tough,” or “You seem excited about this.” 4. Become a calm source of momentum People with positive relational energy aren’t relentlessly cheerful and bubbly. However, they tend not to cling to their problems. Here are a couple of ideas on how to develop that forward-focused mindset and “infect” others with it: Practice asking “What’s one small thing we can do next?” when conversations spiral into frustration. Stay curious and open, rather than critical. Spread good vibes to others through positive relational energy 5. Infuse lightness without losing depth Humor isn’t just about making people laugh. It’s about reminding others (and yourself) that not everything is heavy all the time. Moreover, it has been proven to facilitate relationship-building. So, start using yours to promote positive relational energy and: Sprinkle in jokes, harmless observations, or share uplifting stories. Use playful tones as emotional palate cleansers during tough conversations. 6. Forgive (with boundaries) Even if we think we’re good at hiding it, unresolved resentment leaks into interactions. “People with positive relational energy aren’t relentlessly cheerful and bubbly. However, they tend not to cling to their problems.” Of course, we’re not promoting letting someone off the hook if what they did was terribly wrong. Still, forgiveness sets you free to relate more fully if the transgression wasn’t that severe (if it was, you are fully entitled to set healthy boundaries). How to practice forgiveness intentionally? Practice small acts of emotional release (journaling or reframing). 7. Treat consistency as a superpower To be energizing, you need to make others feel safe around you. In other words, it is about being steady, respectful, and present. Here’s how: Show up in a way that people can count on, even when you’re tired. Guard your integrity, so others will know it’s safe to follow your lead. Takeaway: Choose to Radiate Positive Contagious Energy Whether we realize it or not, we’re constantly transmitting. Our voice, demeanour, and words form an energetic signature that affects those around us. Most of the time, we don’t think about this too much. Yet, if you want to be that positive, energizing force in the world, you can deliberately change how you radiate. Choosing to be a positive energizer doesn’t mean denying stress or sugarcoating reality. It is about appreciating the beauty of life and passing that appreciation onto others. It is the kind of contagious energy that brings about genuine change. ● Images: shutterstock/PeopleImages.com - Yuri A, shutterstock/Tint Media, shutterstock/LightField Studios happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač J. Stanislava Puač J. is a psychologist, life coach, and writer with over 15 years of experience exploring how our inner world shapes our interactions, health, and sense of self. Her work blends research, real-life practice, and a holistic view of well-being – spanning emotional regulation, communication, and mindfulness.

If you struggle to give your full attention to others when in conversation, mindful listening can help you improve your conversation skills. Dee Marques explains six ways to develop the practice and the benefits so-called 'deep' or 'active' listening can bring. Have you ever been chatting with a friend and realised they were not really not giving you their full attention? Perhaps their eyes were darting off away from yours, or they were fiddling with their mobile phone whilst pretending to listen? Likewise, maybe you’ve been in conversation with someone, nodding and smiling, but in your head you were actually planning what you were going to make for dinner that night? If these scenarios sound familiar, then you could definitely benefit from practising what's known as mindful listening or deep listening. You see, there are so many distractions in everyday life that many of us feel that it’s increasingly hard to pay attention to what others are saying. Indeed, researchers have found that the human attention span is actually decreasing, and many people find it hard to concentrate on a conversation without their minds wandering to other matters. So, if you’re struggling with this, it may be time to consider what can be done to sharpen your mindful listening skills. So, what is mindful listening? Mindful or 'deep' listening is a way of applying the principles of mindfulness to personal interactions. These principles include: Focusing all our attention in the present and finding purpose in it. Being fully in the present, with all our senses engaged in the experience we’re living. Suspending judgement on the things we come across, as a judgmental attitude is a major distraction and an obstacle to being able to pay attention. One of the ultimate goals of mindful listening is training our brain to mute thoughts that compete for our attention while we’re in conversation. This is so we can truly hear the message behind someone's words. Having a better awareness of the present and a non-judgmental attitude can help us become better listeners. Indeed, this is the essence of mindful listening. Give your full attention to listening mindfully shutterstock/fizkes How to practise mindful listening: 6 tips To develop the skill of mindful listening, most of us will need to train our brains to focus on what the person in front of us is saying. Here are six steps to help you on your way and improve your communication skills. 1. Start with the right intention The first step on the path to developing your mindful listening skills is to become more aware of the patterns that make our minds wander. Don’t expect to become a pro at mindful listening right from the start. When in conversation, remind yourself of your intention to give the other person your undivided attention, or pick a few conversations every day where you can commit to doing that. 2. Remove distractions We’re all different, so there will be other things that cause distractions for you, but common causes are mobile phones and notifications, being hungry or feeling tired. Start by putting your mobile phone away and ignoring it – don't be tempted to get it out and start scrolling. Only answer a call if it is truly essential. RELATED: Mindful behaviour – 13 practical mindfulness tools However, if you really can’t ignore the things that distract you, it’s better to reschedule the conversation and explain that you’d rather meet when you can give the other person your full, undivided attention. 3. Listen with purpose Many of us are used to getting into conversations without thinking about the real purpose of them. We also tend to hurry the other person to come up with a reply when we're chatting with them rather than allowing space to consider a response. However, taking the time to reflect and consider what we’re going to say is one of the main components of mindful listening. “Having a better awareness of the present and a judgmental attitude can help us become better listeners. That is the essence of mindful listening.” So, why not try listening for the sake of listening? Once you start to practise mindful listening, you may find that you have nothing to say in response to someone right away. Or maybe the only thing you can do is acknowledge what you’ve heard and empathize with the other person. Don’t stress about not responding to a friend and remember that the purpose is to listen and be in the present. 4. Don’t cut in If you find yourself interjecting with your own opinion, apologize and allow the person to return to what they were saying. Try to be more conscious about not interrupting people. Likewise, providing space for the speaker to pause mid-conversation is also important: they may simply be collecting their thoughts together before making another point. Don’t jump in mid-flow. Mindful listening means making sure the person you are chatting with has the chance to express themselves fully. 5. Show that you're listening Mindful listening is not only about using your ears. Indeed, use your eyes and other body language to show whoever you're talking with that you are really paying attention. So, maintain eye contact at all times and nod and smile, encouraging them to express themselves fully. Showing that you are listening mindfully in this way demonstrates that you are emotionally involved in the communication. Eye contact and smiling is a sign of mindful listening shutterstock/Aleksandra Suzi 6. Don’t make assumptions Assumptions are a major interference with our ability to communicate and understand other people. Because our mind often wanders off while the other person is still talking, we may not get the full picture (or the full meaning), which can lead to miscommunication and incorrect assumptions. Make a conscious effort to listen until someone has finished talking. Then, double check you’ve understood correctly, or repeat their message back in your own words. Mindful listening: the benefits Mindful listening has great personal and interpersonal benefits. By making a genuine effort to listen without judging, we can learn more about ourselves and become aware of our prejudices or areas where we could improve the quality of our communication. Over time and with practise, this kind of self-awareness will make us better listeners and better communicators. Because of the effort required to re-train our brain to listen mindfully, you may notice that you’re also able to concentrate better in other aspects of your everyday life. For example, you may become more productive at work or get more benefits from your meditation practice. “Mindful listening is not only about using your ears. Use your eyes and other body language to show whoever that you are really paying attention.” As for the interpersonal benefits, clearly one of the greatest advantages of mindful listening is being able to nurture better relationships with others and to make every interaction richer. And because mindful listening is a rare quality, people will notice and appreciate it, and may be more inclined to share things with you or to seek your company. Listening mindfully can help us create more genuine connections as we enter every conversation with the purpose to listen and understand the other person. The takeaway: mindful listening Mindful listening is an exercise in empathy and self-awareness that can improve the quality and depth of our relationships with others. Practising it will take re-training our brain to focus in the present and in the meaning of what’s being said. And although it may be difficult at first, the results are well worth it. Mindful listening can make us more self-aware, more focused, and able to build richer interpersonal relationships and a more fulfilling life. ● Main image: shutterstock/Shchus happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Friendship | Kindness | Compassion Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Feeling like nobody is listening to you when you speak can be demoralizing and uncomfortable. Dee Marques suggests eight ways for you to improve your chances of being heard. Feeling unheard by others around you can be a painful experience. As humans, we need to experience acknowledgement and validation in order to feel valued, so when this doesn’t happen, it’s normal to feel rejected, neglected or invisible. If you often find yourself thinking “nobody listens to me”, there are steps you can take to try to ensure that your voice is heard and consequently boost your self-esteem. “Nobody listens to me”: some reasons why In everyday life, there are different situations where you may feel that nobody is listening to you. For example, this idea can be like background noise; something that’s always present. In this case, thinking “nobody listens to me” can be a limiting belief. These are false or misguided ideas we create about ourselves, others, and how the world works. But as their name suggests, the problem with limiting beliefs is that they create barriers to our growth and well-being. If you think “nobody listens to me” by default, this may come from past experiences where you’ve felt unheard or someone has not taken into account your voice. The problem lies in generalising past experiences into future expectations. If this happens often and for too long, you may come a point where you avoid expressing yourself due to the assumption you’re making (no one listens, so why bother). It’s important to watch out for this line of thinking because “nobody listens to me” can evolve into a harmful “I don’t deserve to be heard”. If you’re an introvert, this thought can be due to an inaccurate interpretation of what it really means to be introverted. You may think, “nobody listens to me because I’m not a loud person, or because I don’t feel comfortable in front of others”. But, in fact, being heard is not linked to being loud – in fact, a lot of people tune out the loudest person in a room because they’re overbearing. As well as feeling unheard on a daily basis, there are also specific occasions that lead you to think “nobody listens to me”. For example, when giving a presentation at university or at work. Feeling unheard? Choose the right time to talk Furthermore, the widespread adoption of remote work and the deluge of Zoom meetings many people have been exposed to has created challenges to effective communication. Online communication can be a bit chaotic and can easily lead to feeling unheard. This affects both professionals at work and students, so don’t feel that this problem is unique to you. How to get people to listen to you Whether you believe nobody is listening to you during specific moments or in day-to-day life, there are things you can implement to start being heard. 1. Choose the right time to talk Even the most brilliant speakers can be ignored if they choose the wrong time to speak. You could be a motivational speaker, but if you try to make a speech when a plane is going down, you can be sure nobody is going to listen! If you realise you’ve chosen the wrong time and someone isn’t listening, you can just admit this isn’t the best time and say you can try again some other time, leaving it up to the other person. 2. Use your voice effectively The human attention span has been decreasing over the past 15 years, and is currently estimated to be shorter than a goldfish’s (!) at just 8 seconds. This means that you only have a few precious seconds to get people’s attention. Your voice is a fantastic asset if you know how to use it. First, consider your rate of speech, which should be between 140 and 160 words per minute. If it’s lower, it may be too slow to hold people’s attention, and if it’s too fast, your audience will feel lost. “Even the most brilliant speakers can be ignored if they choose the wrong time to speak. You could be a motivational speaker, but if you try to make a speech when a plane is going down, you can be sure nobody is going to listen!” This doesn’t mean that you should maintain a monotonous tone. Plan in advance where to pause, where to speed up, and which words or sentences to emphasise by raising or lowering your voice. Learn more about how the voice helps create a confident demeanour. 3. Use the right body language Up to 90 per cent of our communication is non-verbal. You could be saying all the right things at the right time, but if your body is telling a different story, people will notice it and will think that something doesn’t add up. It can be helpful to practice speaking in front of a mirror, or even record yourself in a video, to see if your body language transmits confidence. If you notice any stooping or arms or leg crossing, you’ll want to correct this, as this type of body language sends negative signals. Instead, focus on making eye contact or mirroring the body language of the person you’re talking to. This is interpreted as a sign of empathy and usually makes others more inclined to listen to you. 4. Don’t ramble It can be frustrating to stay present in a conversation where the other person never gets to their point, which is why some people stop listening. If you find it difficult to say exactly what you need to say – especially when it comes to difficult conversations – it may be useful to stop talking every so often and check that the other person is still following you. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you tend to ramble, or be candid and ask the other person to tell you if you keep going around in circles are a failing to get to the point. Mindful listening – 6 ways to improve conversational skills Are you being used? 12 signs to look out for 7 signs your friend doesn't care about you 5. Be clear and purposeful Confidence and knowledge aren’t enough to command attention. You really need to transmit a contagious emotional connection to the subject, so think about how passionate you are about the topic or at least about your stance on that topic. “If you find it difficult to say exactly what you need to say, it may be useful to stop talking every so often and check that the other person is still following you.” Bear in mind that you could also become too passionate and these high emotions could get on the way of clear communication. It may be too overwhelming for some people to follow enthusiastic but disorganised discourse, so they give up. I’m too familiar with this myself and personally I’ve found that concise writing of some notes in advance of an important conversation or meeting helps bring order and clarity to what I have to say. 6. Stay out of empty statements Some people always say “the right thing”, but it doesn’t add much value because it feels as if they were reading it out of a textbook. Again, being heard is a matter of sincerity and passion. If you don’t know what to say, it may be better to admit it instead of resorting to a worn stereotype or to an empty expression that doesn’t add value. Feeling like nobody listens to you is painful shutterstock/wavebreakmedia 7. Remember to listen Some people think that talking and listening are completely different actions, when in fact they’re closely linked together. This applies to conversations but also to settings like conferences and presentations. Even in these settings where you’re not having a conversation with others, listening and keeping track of people’s reactions is crucial, as it gives you the clues needed to adapt your speech to what’s happening. Listening is as much a skill as it’s an attitude. 8. Know what is and what isn’t under your control You can do all of the above and still find that some people don’t really listen to you. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Interaction and conversation are a two-way street where all parties need to be equally involved, so if you are still thinking “nobody listens to me”, remember that it’s not always your fault. Takeaway: 8 ways to improve your chances of being heard Some people are better communicators than others, but rest assured that we all feel unheard from time to time. However, you shouldn’t let this thought become a limiting belief. As explained, there are at least eight things you can do to get and hold people’s attention. Have you tried any of them, and if so, what has been your experience? • Main image: shutterstock/Diego Cervo happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Trust | Loneliness Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Communication is essential when asking a partner to consider an open relationship says Dee Marques. Preparing for any discussions and clarifying why you want to change the relationship dynamic are just two of the eight steps you need to take before initiating a conversation. Up until relatively recently, there have been established rules about what relationships should look like and these were rarely challenged. But, over time, there has been a change in perception, as it becomes obvious that there’s no one single best way of being in a relationship, since this it is a very personal aspect of our lives. The figures speak in favour of this change in attitudes and perceptions. For example, four per cent of adults in the US and Canada admit to being in open relationships, and this arrangement is especially popular among Millennials and Gen Z. A UK survey shows a similar percentage of people who have been in an open relationship, plus a further 12 per cent who said they would be willing to give it a go. RELATED: What is Omnisexuality? Understanding and Debunking Myths Of course, since this is a consensual decision, it needs to be discussed with your partner – unless an open relationship has been on the cards from the start. Asking for an open relationship may feel intimidating, so here’s a guide for people looking to talk to their partner about considering having one. What is an open relationship? There’s no standard definition of an open relationship, although for most people it means being in a non-exclusive relationship or practising consensual non-monogamy. What varies is the type of involvement the partners have with others outside of the primary relationship. This could be an intellectual, emotional or sexual attachment to someone other than your partner – and it could be sporadic or more or less ongoing. Are these relationships healthy? It depends on how well they meet the needs of everyone involved. As a psychology researcher said, it’s common to see open relationships in black and white and to assume they will either automatically ruin what you have with your partner, or they will fix all of your problems. Communication is key in open relationships But this view is too extreme. In some cases, an open relationship will improve satisfaction levels for both partners, as shown by a survey of 1,000 people who were in non-monogamous relationships. In other cases, open relationships just don’t work, for various reasons. Sometimes, this is due to misunderstandings that could have been avoided if the boundaries were discussed fully. So, if exploring non-monogamy is important to you, you’ll want to know the steps to follow and things to consider when asking for an open relationship. Asking for an open relationship: 8 steps Here are eight things to consider before asking to open up any relationship: 1. Know what to expect The first thing you need to know when talking about an open relationship is that it may take time to come to an agreement. Since this is an important decision, your partner may want to consider all aspects involved or have some time alone to think about it. So, don’t expect it to be something that gets settled after the first conversation. In most cases, couples need time and multiple chats before deciding to go for an open relationship. 2. Examine your own needs Before asking for an open relationship, it’s worth thinking about what your own motives truly are. Why exactly do you want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship? What do you think it will contribute to your existing relationship? Why is this important to you? Knowing your deep motivations is important, since asking for an open relationship is not easy and you want to be as articulate as possible. Indeed, you want to be crystal clear in your mind about what exactly you want and why, so you can express it to your partner in the best possible way. 3. How strong is your relationship? Despite what many people think, open relationships are not a magical fix – and they’re not a “soft” break up either. In fact, if you and your partner are going through a rough patch, talking about an open relationship can make things worse. This is why it’s important to have the right motives (other than resentment or boredom) and to only ask for an open relationship if you’re confident that your bond is strong. 4. Start with a general discussion Remember how I said it may take several conversations until your partner and you come to an agreement? Well, it can also take a few conversations until you feel it’s the right time to be asking for an open relationship. “Before asking for an open relationship, it’s worth thinking about what your motives truly are. Why exactly do you want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship? What do you think it will contribute to your existing relationship?” To start off, you may want to gauge how your partner feels about non-monogamous relationships in general, before asking if they’re willing to be part of one. Keep the questions general and exploratory, along the lines of “What do you think about…?” so that the conversation doesn’t feel threatening. This gives you a better idea if they are receptive to the idea of an open relationship. 5. Highlight the positive Asking for an open relationship could be interpreted as you suggesting that something is missing between you and your partner. This may be the case, but you want to avoid upsetting your partner and the best way is to also highlight all the positives in your relationship. In the initial conversation, be specific about what you appreciate most about your partner, how much you value your relationship, and why this matters. Do your honest best to reassure and be appreciative of them, so the conversation always stays respectful. 6. Prepare what you’re going to say Some people will feel insecure when asked about an open relationship, and others may be willing to explore it, but only under certain conditions. Think about what your partner said about consensual non-monogamy when you had a general chat about it to determine where are the main barriers. Based on that, you can think about how to start the conversation in a way that addresses those barriers and reassures your partner of your feelings for them. It may help to write it down, then put it aside for a day or so and look at it with fresh eyes to see if this is the right approach. Prepare first before discussing an open relationship shutterstock/GaudiLab One word of caution: beware of the language you use when asking for an open relationship. Words like “polyamory” or “consensual non-monogamy” can mean different things to different people. In conversations like this, you want fluid communication that doesn’t lead to misunderstandings, so it’s best if you explain what you want and why, rather than give it a label that can be misinterpreted. 7. Don’t make accusations Chances are your partner will want to know your rationale for wanting to be in an open relationship. This is why point #2 is useful, since knowing your deep motivations helps formulate your needs without making them sound as an accusation. Stay away from “you” sentences and keep it to “I” or “us”. For example, instead of saying “sometimes you’re a bit possessive”, say “I’d like to have more freedom in this relationship”. 8. Agree on the do’s and don’ts Making important changes to a relationship isn’t easy, so it’s best to have an honest conversation and anticipate how you will deal with any problems that may come up. What will be the do’s and don’ts of your open relationship? Does your partner agree? What will you do if you upset them, or if they upset you? In other words, how will you handle the learning curve? What to do if you disagree But what if you start talking about an open relationship and your partner says they’re not ready? First of all, you’ll want to make a difference between a definite “no” and “I’m not ready” or “I don’t think it’s a good idea”. If your partner is not against open relationships but doesn’t want to be in one right now, you can suggest that they start seeing other people when they feel ready. Sometimes, this can alleviate fears and make them feel more in control of the relationship, instead of feeling forced into an arrangement they’re not 100 per cent convinced about. “Asking for an open relationship could be interpreted as you suggesting that something is missing between you and your partner. You want to avoid upsetting them so highlight all the positives in your relationship too.” The key is trying to reach a compromise where the needs of both parties are honoured. Open relationships can take many forms, so it’s worth discussing all of them to see if any suits your current relationship. Unfortunately, in some cases asking for an open relationship will lead to the realisation that your partner and you are incompatible in this respect. If they’re totally against it and this is something you truly need, you’ll have to have a frank conversation about the future of the relationship. The takeaway: asking for an open relationship Talking about an open relationship with your partner can be intimidating, so it’s important to plan this conversation in advance. Before you talk to your partner, make sure you’re clear about your motives and needs. Always be appreciative of your relationship and the person you’re with, and give them time to make their decision. And if the outcome isn’t what you expected, remember that respect and honesty are always the best policy. • Main image: shutterstock/Monkey Business Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Deep listening | Courage | Empathy | Rejection Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

What are the signs of self-sabotaging in relationships and why do we often undermine our possibilities of a successful romance? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the logic behind self-sabotage in couples and offers some practical solutions. Self-sabotage is acting in a way that undermines our achievements and daily living. We can be and often are doing this in various areas of life. You could be self-sabotaging if you keep eating junk food instead of a healthy diet. If you oversleep almost every exam, or if you are constantly late for job interviews. In relationships, self-sabotaging behaviour means actively trying to ruin the relationship, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously. It can happen with friendships, family relationships, or in romantic couplings. In this article, we will focus on how and why we self-sabotage romantic relationships when in reality we really want to be in that relationship. Signs of self-sabotage in relationships What does self-sabotaging in a relationship look like? Could you be doing it without even realising it? Here are six ways you could be unintentionally looking to destroy your relationship. Not addressing adverse emotions Every relationship will sometimes spark anger, anxiety, frustration, dissatisfaction. Ideally, these emotions will be addressed in a constructive conversation with your partner. However, when you are not willing to do so, it could be a sign of self-sabotage, as a recent study found. Extreme suspiciousness It’s normal to get insecure in a relationship from time to time. Doubts about your partner’s commitment and faithfulness could creep in. However, if you are not responding to reassurance – and there is no easing your suspicion– you could be self-sabotaging the relationship Extreme criticism Expressing your expectations and needs is not only normal – it is a prerequisite of healthy relationships. Yet, you could be overly critical. This happens when you are actively searching for everything that is “wrong” with your partner. Also, if you are not providing constructive criticism and suggestions on how to mend the things you don’t like, it can be considered extreme criticism. Constantly nagging in this way creates a wedge between you and your partner and sabotages the relationship Holding grudges Most relationships come with some level of hurt here and there. Those that succeed, research shows, use such occurrences to grow. Partners learn, talk, forgive and self-forgive, change for the better. If you decide to hold a grudge instead of working on forgiving the offence, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. Bearing grudges is a sign of relationship self-sabotage shutterstock/Olena Yakobchuk Breaking promises Life happens, and we cannot always keep our promises. We’ll come late, forget to buy groceries, miss the date night and work instead. However, when you do this regularly, it could be a sign of you unconsciously trying to make your partner so dissatisfied that they will end the relationship. Avoiding physical intimacy Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy. The idea of the sizzling passion that lasts for ever promoted in media is unrealistic and puts unnecessary pressure on couples. Although the topic is extensive, we can say that physical intimacy means much more than mindblowing, fulfilling and happy sex all the time. Indeed, any level of physical intimacy in a relationship can be normal and satisfying for the couple. However, you could find yourself beginning to avoid the usual form of intimacy and physical affection in your relationship. And this might be a sign of withdrawing and self-sabotaging. Why do we self-sabotage relationships? Relationship issues are one of the top reasons people seek a psychologist’s help. And the causes of a dysfunctional relationship are many. But one factor that often connects many forms of seemingly senseless actions in unhealthy relationships is self-sabotaging behaviour. Here is a typical example. You meet the 'perfect' person. You fall in love and do everything you can to make them yours. They’re an ideal partner – loving, full of kindness, inspiring, passionate, selfless. But now, all of a sudden, you seem to be doing your best to ruin the relationship. It doesn’t make much sense, right? So, why do we do it? “Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy.” A 2019 study published in the Journal of Relationship Research brought together the findings and observations of 15 Australian relationships psychologists, giving us insight into the intricate world of self-sabotaging relationships of a romantic nature. The researchers detected six key sources of self-handicapping behaviour in intimate relationships: 1. Fear of getting hurt Most commonly, people consciously or unconsciously try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage. For example, let’s say you got deeply wounded in one of your previous relationships. If you didn’t address the pain in a healthy way, it might be controlling your actions in all subsequent relationships. So, instead of allowing your partner to see your vulnerability, you could be creating conflict. Being angry all the time, stonewalling, or cheating are some of the proven strategies to damage a relationship. The reasoning here is simple: “If I ruin the relationship, I can’t get hurt”. 2. Insecure attachment style The blueprint of our adult relationships gets developed in childhood. How our parents related to us will eventually transfer to our way of relating to others. A 2019 study determined that romantic self-saboteurs are most commonly those who underwent attachment trauma in childhood. If your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, you are likely to sabotage your relationships. The reason is, again, to avoid the prospect of being abandoned or hurt by your partner. 3. Low self-esteem In the roots of many self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships is the belief that we are unworthy of love. Being overly self-critical can transfer to how we relate to others in our lives. If you see yourself as hopeless and helpless, you probably won’t even try to deal with a problem or mend a disagreement. In other words, you will allow your relationship to decay, sabotaging it with passivity. When your self-esteem is low, you will probably expect your partner to find another, and succumb to jealousy fits as a result. Alternatively, you could also accept being belittled all the time. Therefore, you could seek toxic, often narcissistic partners, and self-sabotage your chances of healthy relationships. Trust and communication are essential shutterstock/oneinchpunch 4. Beliefs about relationships in general One possible cause of self-sabotaging relationships relates to our preconceptions about how a partnership should look like. A 2012 study confirmed that when couples believe in myths about love and marriage, these misconceptions can negatively impact relationships. It can be any of the two extreme beliefs about partnerships – that they are an inevitable cause of pain – or a fairytale. In both cases, such presumptions and associated anticipations sabotage your chances of developing authentic intimacy. Indeed, you will find yourself acting on those expectations without really testing them in reality. People whose beliefs are set in stone are often inflexible. There is no place for compromise or organic growth of love. There is little room for spontaneity. In that way, those people inevitably destroy their relationships. 5. Underdeveloped coping mechanisms All relationships hit hurdles. Whether it’s day-to-day stressors or a massive crisis – every relationship will go through tough times at some point. Indeed, according to a 2021 study, lack of resilience and self-efficacy was found to trigger self-sabotaging behaviour in romantic relationships. “Most commonly, people try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage.” If you are not prepared to handle conflicts, you could, for example, emotionally withdraw and shut down. Alternatively, you could get defensive, needy and clingy. Furthermore, an affair, for some, presents a sort of a safe escape from having to deal with fights or crises. So, when you cannot cope with stress in a relationship, you could be actively ruining it. 6. Avoiding commitment A way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to stick to brief relationships – no real commitment. When you initiate a relationship and then end it before it gets serious, you remain in control. Or, so you think. Who is actually in control is the self-saboteur – and this is not your authentic self. In fact, it’s merely your defense mechanism. How to stop self-sabotaging relationships As mentioned earlier, we will not be talking about the relationships you truly wish to leave for whatever reason. We will be looking into why and how you keep self-sabotaging relationships you do want to be in. So, how can you stop being self-destructive when it comes to your love life? Understand the hidden saboteur We gave you six evidence-based reasons why people self-sabotage their romantic endeavors. If you want to stop ruining your relationships, you need to understand why it is you felt you needed to do so in the first place. Set aside some time to do some soul-searching and explore your hidden reasons. Dig deep and really ask yourself 'why' a few times over. Learn about your attachment styles Attachment styles can have a massive impact on our adult relationships. Indeed, you and your partner’s attachment styles could dictate how you relate to each other. To steer your interactions in another way, start by taking a quick relationship attachment style test. When you become aware of your style and how it affects you, you can begin to change the patterns and transform your relationship. Communicate This advice will never get old: communicate. Do it assertively, openly, gently and respectfully. Be direct and genuine. Avoid casting blame – express yourself and your perspective and feelings. Start your sentences with “I feel…”, “To me, it seems as if…”. Explain your position and how you feel in a particular situation, then propose a solution, and ask your partner how they feel about it. Good communication in a relationship is essential to its survival. Seek counselling Self-sabotage often comes from deeply ingrained patterns we can’t clearly notice ourselves. Significant romantic relationships have a way of triggering the unconscious fears and expectations that waited for the right time to appear. Counselling can help you (and your partner) to bring that unconscious content to the light of the day, address it, and regain control over your life and relationships. The takeaway: ditch the saboteur We all have a saboteur hiding somewhere inside of us. It’s not a villain. It’s merely a part of us trying to protect us from harm the best way it knows how. However, if you want to control your life – including your love life – you need to thank this part of you for its contribution and say goodbye to it. Stop self-sabotaging relationships and embrace the new you when it comes to romance: awaken and brave. • Please bear in mind that the list doesn’t cover all the nuances of how people sabotage their relationship chances. If you suspect you could be self-sabotaging, consider seeking out a psychologist’s help to assist you in figuring out your feelings and behaviour. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Healthy habits | Relationship advice | Self care | Quality time Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

It wasn't until she was in her mid-20s that Abi Brown realised she was bisexual. When she finally accepted and explored her sexuality with her male partner, it led to a more fulfilling relationship and greater happiness. I didn’t know I was bisexual until I was 25. This doesn’t mean that my sexuality changed: it just means that it took me time to figure it out. My assumption was always that I was heterosexual (an assumption I think many of us make.) I fell in love with guys and I thought my ‘girl crushes’ were a normal thing that straight women had. Not once did I ever think it was unusual. I did my fair share of fantasizing about having sex with women, but I honestly thought that it was just something that straight women did. My ‘girl crushes’ seemed to be a little bit more intense. Instead of ‘wanting to be like her’, it was very much ‘wanting to be with her’. I never really talked about it because I genuinely thought everyone felt the same. Bi the way: realising you're LGBTQ isn't always straightforward © shutterstock/delpixel So you can image the shock I felt when I learned that not everyone was like this. I'd gone my whole life with this idea of everything I did, thought and fantasized about was normal. Then suddenly one conversation stole that stability out from under me. The moment I realised I wasn’t straight Apparently, I have a unique feeling about my sexuality, as I thought it was totally normal. This could come from the fact I had pretty high self-acceptance. I was comfortable with who I was and what I was. There were no doubts in my mind that everyone else felt this way. Many other people I've read about and talked to have had quite the reverse experience. “I thought my fantasies about women were normal. It wasn't until I was talking with a group of cis females that I learned what I thought and dreamt about wasn't what everyone else was dreaming about.” Instead of feeling like an outsider, I just didn’t act on my desires because I thought I was straight. Yes, it is confusing. You can only imagine how confused I was when I realised that this whole time, my identity had been the B in LGBTQ – bisexual – but I'd just been confusing it for heterosexual. I can remember the moment I realised that I wasn’t straight. I was talking to a group of cis female friends about homosexuality and none of them could picture ever going down on a woman. A few of them mentioned that their minds “went blank” if they tried to think about it. As if they couldn’t process the idea because it was never something they had imagined doing or ever wanting to do. Totally shocked, I asked: “But wouldn't you want to try it? At least once?” RELATED: The 4 key factors for a happy sex life At this point, you can probably guess their answers, and my mind slowly started realising that I was the odd one out. I spent a few months thinking more deeply about my sexuality. I read countless ‘coming out’ stories, focusing on bisexual or lesbian women who only realised their sexual orientation later in life. I poured over articles about how you can be bisexual without having ever acted on it. It isn’t your actions that matter; it is your heart and brain. Just like if a bisexual woman marries a man, it doesn’t invalidate her bisexuality. Which is true about any sexuality. It's not necessarily something you can do much about, it's just who and what you are. Sort of like having green eyes; they're just green. Opening up and accepting my bisexuality Even after all this research and self-reflection, it still took me a year to tell my boyfriend. I kept it hidden inside. I was embarrassed by my delayed realisation, and terrified that he would be offended. The idea he might be worried that I would leave him because of it was unsettling. Helping hand: accepting your bisexuality can lead to happiness I didn’t know how to handle this realisation for myself and I had no idea how someone romantically involved with me would handle that information either. It was a completely unknown field for me. I was full of uncertainty and with questions spinning around. When I finally did tell him his response was something I will never forget. Luckily for me, none of my fears were validated when I finally told him. It hit the point in my mind where I couldn’t hide it anymore. Even if I never acted on my bisexual feelings, it didn’t invalidate my sexuality. I couldn't continue hiding who I was. He held me close and thanked me for sharing. He asked me a bunch of questions and was a bit saddened that I had waited so long to tell him. Then he looked at me and said: “I want you to explore that part of you. I never want you to feel like you’ve missed out on part of who you are”. I’m not going to go into the details about exploring my bisexuality together with my partner, but I do want to detail how close this made us. This new chapter of honesty with myself and him took our relationship to another level. One that I've learned a lot from and can say has infinitely helped me in becoming a happier, healthier person. “Even if I never acted on my bisexual feelings, it didn't invalidate my sexuality. I couldn't continue hiding who I was.” Opening up about my sexuality was the icebreaker for so many parts of our life together. It made me feel lighter. I felt like myself. I had accepted my sexuality to the point of expressing it to the person I loved, and it made all the difference. As we continued to dig deeper into to each other, he opened up to me about his life in deeper ways, too. Trust is key We trust each other because we're able to communicate about everything. Together, we continue to speak openly and honestly about other aspects of our lives. We continue to explore different parts of our sexualities and kinks. We go on adventures together. Most importantly, we trust each other because we are able to communicate about everything. These things would never be possible without that first step of acceptance and honesty. RELATED: While I'll never ignore my sexual needs in a relationship again This openness and trust is not something that came about because of my bisexuality, but it's true this was the initiation for it. The starting point, so to speak. Somewhere we could jump off into a deeper pool of trust in our relationship. That, in the end, made me look at myself and what I truly craved and needed to create a satisfying life. I was very fortunate to have such an open and accepting partner. Realising and then accepting my sexuality made me love myself more for who I am. As well as deepen the connection to my partner. In fact, if I could change anything, I would have hoped to realise it sooner! ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Abi Brown Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery.

Rae Bathgate takes a look at a new study focusing around the words associated with happiness. Just what exactly do people relate the word 'happiness' with? The results can teach us how to be more joyful. What does happiness mean to you? Every person is their own world, so every answer is different: you may conjure up a memory, I may think of one person, while some even relate it to a smile or a laugh. But how often does happiness make you think of others? One study asked 521 female participants the following question: what three words come to mind when you think of happiness? While not the most original question, a new study titled “What does happiness prompt in your mind? Culture, word choice, and experienced happiness", conducted between Korea and the United States, shows that it may be worth to sit down and ask ourselves this question more often. The method used in this study was free-association, shown to be an accurate indicator of one’s own self, and in it, evidence surfaced that one type of answer mattered more than others when it comes to happiness. Unsurprisingly, it’s not money, success, fame, glamour, nor is it, sadly, raindrops on roses or warm woollen mittens. Rather, the most revealing words are social words, interpersonal words – in short, those related to other people. Group gains: can friendships boost your happiness? While knowing how often you associate these words with happiness seems to be a telling indicator of how happy you might be, the good news is that you can choose who these other people are (meaning that you can build your own social circle). This phenomenon seems to exist in a positive feedback loop, where fuelling social behaviour – especially helping others – may be the key to a higher life satisfaction. Words associated with happiness The study, conducted by the Yonsei University in Korea and the University of California, Santa Barbara (by researchers Ji-Eun Shin and Eunkook M. Suh, and Kimin Oem and Heejung S. Kim respectively) asked 521 female participants from both countries the following question: “What three words come to mind when you think of happiness?” The test was conducted as a free association task, meaning that subjects were to produce some words (in this case, three) that came to mind related to a prompted cue (in this case, the word “happiness”). Researchers focused on answers they categorised as “social:” These social words, as viewed by the researchers, were ones that simply referred to things like interpersonal relationships. Some examples of the words used were: for abstract values (e.g., “love") specific person (e.g., “friend" or “family") relationships (e.g., “dating”) The ties that bind Out of 1,563 words in total, Koreans wrote down social words more often (42 per cent of the time) as opposed to Americans, who associated social words with happiness only 32 per cent of the time. The most common word among Korean participants was also a social word (“family”) compared to the American words “smile” and “laugh.” Even when looking specifically at Americans’ preferred social words, they tended to be more on chosen social ties, with the words “friends” and “friendship.” This difference between our ideas of happiness is not new and had even been predicted by the researchers. What’s more, the study further mirrored findings that connected loneliness to a lack of family ties in collectivist societies, like in Korea, whereas in America loneliness was more often associated with a lack of friends and confidants. “This phenomenon seems to exist in a positive feedback loop, where fuelling social behaviour – especially helping others – may be the key to a higher life satisfaction.” Rather, the central question to be tested was whether participants who used more social words associated with happiness were, in fact, happier. It turns out the answer is yes. “In both cultures, those who mentioned more social words enjoyed significantly higher life satisfaction,” reported the researchers. This suggests that “defining happiness in social terms is beneficial to happiness in both cultures,” conclude researchers, adding that, “the current finding affirms in a novel way that social experience is indeed a core block of happiness.” RELATED: Money can't buy happiness – except when you spend it like this So, how can we move towards greater social connection (whatever that may mean to you) and consequently, towards a happier life? The answer may be simple. Participants who had a higher incidence of social words and a higher reported level of happiness also reported engaging in activities to help others more often, and previous studies have shown that altruistic activities seem to make us happy. Net gains: group activity, such as fishing, is important While researchers acknowledge that the results of this study are mostly correlative, not causative, they suggest that participating in such activities will start a positive feedback loop, thereby making you happier, teaching you to associate happiness with social connectivity, leading you to seek out and provide social support, causing you to be happier, and so on. Haven't we studied this before? Happiness, its causes, and its components have long been a source of research interest. In academia, there has been extensive documentation and widespread agreement "that positive social experience is one of the most significant predictors of happiness,” as written by Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim. Some researchers even go as far as to suggest that social experience was the only condition for happiness, other than the absence of psychopathology (Diener and Seligman, 2002). “Participants who had a higher incidence of social words and a higher reported level of happiness also reported engaging in activities to help others more often.” Previously used methods have been yes/no questionnaires, or longer, free-form essays; while both accurate to an extent, these methods often proved either too restrictive or not enough so. While seemingly simple, free-association, on the other hand, has yielded powerful results in the world of psychology, proving itself an accurate predictor of personality aspects and demographic characteristics. This, according to researchers, is because, “Words that are called up when we think about happiness are a sort of cognitive 'package,' created based on our upbringing, culture and personal experiences.” Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim’s work also asked participants to report on their level of happiness and social involvement. Global happiness was measured using the most widely used method, the Cantril’s Self-Anchoring Scale, while the rest of the study focused on establishing "the person’s level of interest, desire, and competence for developing a relationship with others,” with concepts like: emotional support belonging loneliness optimism efficacy interpersonal closeness How others make you happier Researchers Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim specify that their study is to be taken as a complement to previous work, noting that the primary objective is to draw a parallel between "beliefs about happiness and how they relate to actual experiences of happiness,” by delving into two countries’ deeply-held beliefs about the subject. So, does linking happiness to social relationships give you a more positive outlook on life? Not necessarily. The study showed that in both ascribed (e.g. “family”) and self-chosen (e.g. “friends”) relationships, there was no difference in optimism by those who used more social words. Better together: social connectivity is one key to happiness However, these subjects reported feeling significantly less lonely, as researchers Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim note: “They believed that their selves overlapped more with others, desired more social belongingness, and presumably as a consequence, were less lonely.” Indeed, this stronger social connection (or, as the researchers put it, the content of happiness) seems to indicate a higher level of happiness: in other words, if your definition of happiness is to spend quality time with others, the chances are that you will be happier. RELATED: Happiness in different cultures This held true for both American and Korean participants, indicating that “holding a socially rich theory of happiness is beneficial to the mental health of both Americans and Koreans,” explain the researchers, who conclude that, “Fulfilment of social need seems to be a universally necessary condition of happiness.” What does it all mean? Social interaction is a tricky thing: for each person, some days and nights lend themselves to picnics, bonfires, dancing and socialising, and days that are fabricated more for some alone time with a book. With their study, Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim aren’t suggesting that the real key to happiness is only through social interaction. Rather, their research supports the idea that those who associate happiness with the notion of strong, reliable social relationships seem to be the happiest. So, how does one change one’s beliefs about what happiness means? Well, apart from continuing to read up on the subject of the key to happiness, you can jump-start a positive feedback loop by engaging in activities that foster strong relationships, preferably ones where you (yes, you!) can help someone else. Cultivating social ties, especially those where you can give back as well are proven to make you happier –or at least, less lonely – which in turn may change your whole perspective on what happiness means. ● Main image: colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Life purpose | Motivation Written by Rae Bathgate Rae Bathgate is an American journalist based in Barcelona, where she enjoys sunlight, yoga, and bookbinding.