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I can't enjoy the kind and lovely things the new guy I'm dating is doing


ta****
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Posted

Hey, 

I wanted to share my current situation and maybe get some advise if you experienced same things. 
The thing is I met a new guy (everything is in the beginning state yet) and he's extremely kind and lovely to me. He ask me like thousand times if everything is alright, if I'm feeling comfortable and stuff when we're together and that's really kind and thoughtful. 
But I experienced in my past a lot of abusive behavior (mostly emotional) from men I was dating and also been diagnosed with bpd a long time ago (but I found a good way to deal with it and I am stable). 
I find myself now in a state where I can't enjoy all the kind things this new guy is doing to me/ saying to me because I'm scared he'll hurt me too, like everyone before. 
The worst thing is that I feel deep down inside the urge to hurt him or play games with him, because I can't handle all the cute lovely stuff from him and it's making me feel so bad. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to hurt him, because he don't deserve it. 
I feel like I experienced so much pain and hurtful stuff in my past, that I'm not used to this kind behavior and this urge tells me I have to ruin it because I'm used to toxic relationships. 

I don't know how to put these thoughts away and just enjoy these new lovely feelings. 
Do you have any ideas how to deal with it? 
I'm very thankful for every respond! 

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Posted (edited)

Hi Tara ... I have a friend that is Bi Polar. He tends to have a behavior pattern that is to set up situations that often lead into bouts of drama. Rarely does it end well. Now I also have my own labels and would not necessarily just blame his label as many of people without labels can also do the same thing. That said, the passion at which he sets a situation up, and his inability to detach from such calculating, does seem hampered by his instability which can be quite episodic.

BOUNDARIES are really important - especially from the start or the start of each new phase. I experience phases with him as after each dramatic session having exhaustively gone through dealing with each of his insecurities, blaming, shaming and various other unresolved psychological issues - He too will often begin with being kind. I have found most people in this category often do. Well it's actually hard to categorize because ego is a complex thing...

Subconscious Sabotage: Is what I often tell him he needs to stop doing. And it's often where I start with him when laying down the boundaries. I'm not into cutting people out of my life like chopping the top off a pineapple as that tends to leave a residual hang-up on my end after the fact no matter where I end up.

My advice is just to be straight up with the guy and tell him how he is making you feel and to find another way to connect if he wishes the relationship to continue. Like "Hey, just so you know, I get your trying to me nice but the way you constantly keep being overly kind is really starting to bug me. It makes me feel like I am some kind of project that needs fixing, or X,Y & Z - if you don't stop it I'm going to have to distance myself for my own mental health." Say whatever it is that your experiencing and how it's making you feel and that you want it to stop or else X,Y & Z for the benefit of you both.

I have chosen to still remain friends - but I pull him up every time he starts setting up a situation I know is not going to end well or anytime he assumes something of me and or others for that matter. Mostly when that assumption is something I know is disabling/disempowering for whom of which he speaks. Always starts off nice then leads into something that is about shaming and blaming.

Now whilst my explanation with my friend may differ, he is always overly nice and it too is not something I gel with either. Mostly because of the manipulation that's often woven within it. His bipolar makes if very hard for him but I also have my own issues like most of us do.

Boundaries works most of the time and I have to be always on top by constantly making them. This is when most people cut and run and whilst that is OK ... just be careful how you cut the cord for your own sake as much as him. People don't often understand that.

Another Key point is My-self. Once a pattern sets and I allow myself to be drawn in, the negative vibes I feel tend to make me more vulnerable (feed his compulsive manner to do as he wills)  to the manipulation being played where the toxicity in relationships take the stage. Once I am caught up in it and no longer seeing the imbalance taking place then I just become victim to his drama ... not discounting my own.

Whilst I am male and he is male and the friendship is plutonic - just close friends. The behavior is very has many of the dynamics I have had with my wife and children or others that are close to me. The reason I am still close friends with him is because after a lot of work re the boundaries we still both have a lot of good to offer each other and there is a sense of respect. I am one of the very few people in his life that has been able to help him in areas he can not. In return my own compromises to help him be comfortable means I am able to have work on my own issues which as just as disabling for us both and others in my life. Kind of makes me a better person knowing that I have my own issues and it's not just about him. Hard to explain.

But biggest advice re relationships in general and with people that tend to make projects out of others that leads to reoccurring patterns is to tell them what is happening and what your prepared to put up with and what you will in turn your willing to give. The latter just an acknowledgment of one's self that keeps it mutually beneficial. It's not healthy if it's only one way or more about pleasing one persons way of being rather than it being mutual. Mutual respect and honestly has to be at the forefront.

Niceties can just be a ploy and often is this day and age with people becoming experts in positivity, love and joy. To be sure those aspects are important where a balance is needed but being overly nice is kind of like a flag to something else going on.

We are complex beings to be sure.

Know what you want out of the relationship, lay down those boundaries as best you can and do it each time before it gets out of hand. If he does not respect and or change what it make you feel those negative thoughts, then I suggest giving yourself some distance in your own way that makes you feel more comfortable.

I used boundaries and when that fails, I'll just fade away from that person. I typically leave the door open where eventually they get the message and either stay away themselves or just learn to be more mutual in their dealings with me and I'll often learn new things about myself that can do with a bit of work.

Hope some of that is helpful and or makes sense.

Edited by Ponder
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Posted

I think, this time he is the one trying to impress you, so you are in control and you decide where this is going. 

But with power comes responsibility. So you can hurt him like your other dates did hurt you or you can try to make this work. 

 

In my opinion, to make it work, you both should be on the same level. So you both say your opinions. This might lead to fights but that's how a balanced relationship works. 

 

At the moment, you look strong, confident and perfect and he looks weak, which is why he is trying to impress you. 

To balance things out, you can show him that you like him too. And you can share your imperfections so you can accept each other how you really are. 

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Posted (edited)

Affirming to Tara that she is look strong, confident and perfect when she states " 

"I find myself now in a state where I can't enjoy all the kind things this new guy is doing to me ..."

whilst admirable, is not going to change how Tara feels ... I'm all for being nice BUT you also have to take a stand in this situation and tell him exactly what you just told us.  I understand what it's like to be a real victim to being beaten.  That's not victim status although can lead to it. 

It's a cycle.  I'm 53 and been through hell with this kind of thing.  I was beaten as a child, and went on to become a target for many others and when all else failed I started beating others. I also thought for years to help my daughter and grandson to escape the grips of wife and child beaters and ultimately went on to help setup crisis housing for victims of domestics abuse.  The cycle and dynamics at play within this kind of behavior pattern is not something to toy with.  I fully hear what your saying Tara and I can't underestimate how laying those boundaries down right now is the best way to go about it.  I'm not suggesting this guy is the bad one ... but you would do well to lay those boundaries for yourself.  Acknowledge your own feelings here right now and let this guy know.  If he is really as nice as he makes out to be then not an issue.  In such a case we become more our own problem when holding onto all the stuff that happened to us previously. 

It took my daughters several tries with the same guy with every episode involving much of the same thing that came before it just like you admit yourself Tara.  This is why in my previous post I made sure to include my own vulnerabilities and own my own imperfections because right now your own imperfections with how you really feel can be exploited with all the bubbly talk that does more to make you feel more like someone that needs help when really all you want is to focus on being happy ... being your true self.  That's not going to happen if you respond in kind when feeling as you say you do.  It's OK to feel as you do (meaning it's understandable) but the only way to move on is to tell others why we feel the way we do.  If we hold it in we just keep having a distorted view that leads to an addiction on negative emotion and play the cycle over and over.  We also become good play things for others. 

 

I can tell you how great you are but means little if your really feeling the way you say. I would much rather cut to the chase and deal with what you and I or anyone else really needs to deal with in these kind of cases.  It does not matter how nice this guy is but it does matter how your feeling ... how your really feeling inside regardless of whomever.

 

Dealing with that is a priority and how you deal with that will set the path for what is to follow. 

 

When I left all those feeling unresolved (takes a lifetime for many ... myself included) issues unattended and made it about someone else, I just went from one toxic relationship to the other and most of the time is was all me because I just held onto all the unresolved pain.  

Being nice to others when having to deal with that kind of abusive past -PTSD - or whatever one wants to call it ... is not just about being nice to others.  The shame we feel as byproduct or beaten individuals is soul destroying and takes a lot or work to balance.   

 

I stand by what I said in my first post above but now sensing more of an issue with how we victims tend to become vulnerable to ourselves in further relations.  Hard to explain but feel I have said enough.

I am sorry that many of us have had to endure the beatings and chaos that flows as it does.  Look inside and love yourself from whatever point you can and work with that.  Perhaps your just not ready for another relationship and in some ways is sounds that way to me.   Back it off a little but most of all just be honest to yourself as your doing now and also tell this guy how you feel but from your own point of view.  We make great targets during this time which is why I'm feeling a little worried for you ... The nice guy routine regardless of genuine or not can really feed the hurt child within in ways that may not be so helpful if we are still damaged.  Often I take the stance the many of us can not be fixed, but that is more about others can't fix us, we can only fix ourselves. It also helps to understand that the level or repair need not be as others tell us or whatever self help books portray. We decide the level at which we are more ourselves and that is key to understand.  Others can help and the latter is not black and white ... but if we do not take control of what only we can, then the cycle will just keep repeating no matter how many others wish to help.

 

I think I'll back out of this topic now as I've given my best and there is nothing else I can really say that I have not just said.

 

I know about the shame that wells within that keeps us from enjoying life.  I also know how the joy and happiness of others can overwhelm us and how we tend to make for good play things for those that love to fix. It's a dynamic that leads to a pattern in ongoing relations and why it works so well in the market place.  That's another story but the point is - we got to be honest with ourselves and own the way we feel and choose the path we take.  Good luck. 

 

Your welcome to PM




 

 

Edited by Ponder
  • 2 weeks later...
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Posted

Just enjoy the ride. If things get bad, walk away. Simple.

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