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Psychologist Beth Kurland explains how to face emotional challenges using mindfulness, acceptance and self-compassion. On behalf of the Greater Good Science Center. When I was 15, my mother died in a car accident. Not knowing how to deal with the enormity of my loss and grief, I threw myself into homework and activities, never missing a day of school and trying to control everything in my life. This strategy succeeded in some ways — I was able to get good grades, for example. But the inner cost of pushing away my grief and sadness showed up in other ways. I became anxious around things I couldn’t control, like unexpected changes of plans and minor injuries. And, as I grew older, I started to harbor irrational worries, such as the fear of exposing my baby in utero to toxic fumes when walking past a strange smell. It was not until my first child was born, with the help of a therapist, that I was able to fully grieve the loss of my mother and feel all of the emotions I had spent so many years trying to ward away. Embracing the uncomfortable As I write about in my new book, Dancing on the Tightrope, the desire to avoid what’s unpleasant (and seek what’s pleasant) is part of human nature. But avoiding unpleasant emotions — rather than accepting them — only increases our psychological distress, inflexibility, anxiety, and depression, diminishing our well-being. Sit with it: embracing anxiety and depression can be positive Research suggests that when we turn toward our cravings, we're less likely to engage in addictive behaviors; when we turn toward our physical pain, we're less likely to be trapped in cycles of chronic pain; when we turn toward our sadness, we're less likely to be stuck in depression; and when we turn toward our anxiety, we're less likely to be paralyzed by it and can find it easier to bear. Learning to embrace dark emotions brought not only a significant reduction in my anxiety, but an ability to experience the joys of life more fully and a growing trust in my ability to handle life’s challenges. As a therapist, I've also seen tremendous healing with my patients as they've learned to embrace their difficult emotions. “Research suggests that when we turn toward our sadness, we're less likely to be stuck in depression. When we turn toward our anxiety, we're less likely to be paralyzed by it.” If we want to live more fully and be our most authentic selves, we need to turn towards our pain, not try to suppress it. But what can help us get there? The tools of mindful attention, self-compassion, and acceptance — which all come together in a practice I call “The Door.” To do this practice yourself, make sure to start with emotions that are not too intense; you might want to work with a skilled therapist, especially for more intense emotions. Here’s what The Door involves: Step 1: Develop a willingness to open the door Imagine that you're opening the door and welcoming your emotions in, to come and have a seat somewhere in the room. You can picture this seat as close to or as far away from you as you like. From this perspective, you can take a gentle and curious look at what is there. Often people will picture their emotions as having some kind of color, shape, or form; sometimes they envision their emotions as cartoon characters or as younger parts of themselves. Part of the practice is simply to accept whatever arrives. This is a new experience for most people. Who wants to let anxiety in the door? Who wants to welcome in sadness or anger? But when we let in whatever arrives, and see it from a bit of a distance, we can take a curious look and explore what's there. Step 2: Take a curious look at whatever walks in the door Mindfully observing what we're feeling can help us cope with whatever is before us. It can be useful to name our feelings (oh, that’s hurt; that’s jealousy; that’s anger) because, as simple as this sounds, we often don’t pay attention to the nuances of what we are feeling; consequently, important information gets lost along the way. Labeling our distressing emotions gives us a way of validating our inner experience, but it has the added benefit of dialing down their intensity. “Who wants to welcome in sadness and anger? But when we let in whatever arrives, we can take a curious look and explore what's there.” It can also be beneficial to see our emotional “visitors” as temporary guests. Adding the phrase “in this moment” to a statement like “I'm feeling stress, anger, or hurt” can help us be with what is there without feeling overwhelmed. Other things you might say to yourself include: Can I allow myself to notice how this is showing up in my body and in my thoughts? If this feeling or part of me could talk, what might it say? What might it want or need? Being curious rather than fearful or rejecting provides a better lens for understanding your feelings. Step 3: Give yourself the gift of compassion Besides pushing away uncomfortable feelings, many of us have been conditioned to judge our emotions in negative ways. We’ve learned that if we show sadness, it’s a sign of weakness; that we're a bad person if we feel anger or jealousy; that we should “move on” when we experience loss. When we come face to face with difficult emotions, we often tell ourselves to buck up and stop being silly or that there’s something wrong with us. Self-compassion: imagine sitting with a caring friend When we practice mindfulness in combination with self-kindness and a recognition of our common humanity (the fact that we all suffer as human beings), we cultivate self-compassion, a quality that has been linked to psychological well-being. To practice self-compassion, imagine sitting with a good friend who is suffering and think about how you might extend a gesture of compassion. What would your body language be like? How might you listen? What sensations would you feel around your heart? Now picture that person extending compassion towards you. What might they say or do? What words would you find comforting or soothing? “When we practice mindfulness in combination with self-kindness and a recognition of our common humanity (the fact that we all suffer), we cultivate self-compassion.” Chances are, they would not be telling you to cut it out or that you shouldn’t be feeling this way. They might say, “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.” Or perhaps they might simply extend a hand. When we can learn to sit mindfully with our own emotions, and bring compassion to whatever we're experiencing, it’s as if we've become that caring friend, sitting with ourselves. Learning to be there for ourselves, through the positive moments as well as the painful ones, can be tremendously healing. While embracing our dark emotions takes courage and practice, using The Door technique allows us to open to a gift on the other side. Each time we practice being with our difficult emotions, we grow inner resources, learn to trust in our capacity to handle our experiences, develop resilience for moving through life’s challenges, and find ways to pursue what truly matters. Each of us has the power to face what's hard, if we only open the door. ● Main image: Marc Bruxelle Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Many of us tend to shy away from the discomfort of uncertainty. However, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains, embracing the unknown and adapting to new situations often leads to personal growth and increased strength. The art of embracing the unknown should be a mandatory school subject. It is a skill most of us lack – which is only natural – and all of us necessitate. I am not an adventurist. It is probably not cool to admit that about yourself, but that is how it is. I have tried to avoid terrains that were out of my comfort zone for my whole life. Indeed, I am not the kind of person who will leave everything and go to Nepal to see how things will pan out. I do admire those people – but I am not one of them. However, no matter how fond of certainty I may be, life has got it in for me. Yes, it is unpredictable by definition. And always will be. Take the COVID-19 pandemic, for example. No one saw it coming. Many people had to make changes to how they work, socialise, live. It was a great unknown – and still is – but we have had to embrace the changes it has brought. Indeed, there will always be uncertainty in everybody’s life. So, how do we learn to accept and adapt to it? How can we embrace the unknown? Embracing the unknown and personality One of the most well-known, established, and used psychological tests, BIG-5, resides on an empirically confirmed assumption about five broad personality traits. One of those traits is openness to experience. This trait includes the following aspects: active imagination (fantasy) aesthetic sensitivity attentiveness to inner feelings preference for variety (adventurousness) intellectual curiosity challenging authority (psychological liberalism) People who score low on this scale are more conventional in their thinking and behaviour. They are usually closed to the unknown and new experiences. Such an individual prefers regular routines over new experiences. Open new doors and welcome the unknown shutterstock/StunningArt Conversely, according to research, someone who has high openness to experience might have a broader range of interests. They could be more creative and knowledgeable because they are fine with uncertainty. In other words, such a person is not reluctant to jump right into new information and experience. Changing your perspective to welcome the unknown Therefore, some people are simply more open to experiences. That is their personality trait. However, it only means embracing the unknown comes naturally to them. It does not mean you cannot learn to shift your perspective and do the same. Let us explore several argument points that will help you shift your perspective from being afraid of uncertainty to embracing the unknown. 1. Realise that everything is impermanent Obviously, nothing lasts forever. But we secretly hope good things do. This is why we are so afraid of uncertainty. However, when you think about it, you will realise that you have never been one hundred per cent certain about how things will unfold. Also, nothing ever stayed the same. All things pass. When you accept this thought, you might start feeling more confident about facing the unknown. 2. Letting go of attachment is beneficial When we cling to things and people, we suffer. It is one of the four noble truths in Buddhism. Attachment, albeit a natural human feeling, has a dark side to it. When you are attached to something, be it good, bad, or neutral, you become convinced you cannot go on without it. “Embrace the unknown. It is everywhere, whether you like it or not. It is the path towards true joy and openness to life’s wonders.” When you learn to let go of past hurts, hopes or anxieties about the future, you can then go with the flow of life and enjoy it without fear. 3. Every new path and experience means growth You always learn when you try something new, regardless of how successful or not you might have been. And with learning comes growth. It was once believed that we were born with all the neurons we would ever have. Nonetheless, we now know that new neurons get formed during adulthood, too. The same goes for new neural pathways. If your counterargument is: “It might be painful”, remember all the instances in which you endured pain for the sake of growth. Start with teething as an infant, for example. You would not relinquish your teeth because it hurt a little, would you not? Embrace the unknown: every new path means growth 4. Surviving the unknown makes you stronger It may be a cliché but think of the unknown and uncertainty as an opportunity to survive and become stronger because of it. Unpredictable situations will arise, that is certain. They all bear valuable life lessons, no matter how petty or profound they may be. When you overcome obstacles and swim back out to the surface after a storm, you find yourself tougher and wiser than you were before. 5. There is always one thing you can control – your reactions When you fear uncertainty, you fear the loss of control. However, know that you can always control one thing, no matter what happens to you. Your reactions are absolutely in your power. Whatever happens, you will decide how to respond. We may not control much of what occurs to us, but we do choose how to handle the circumstances. So, ultimately, you do have control over uncertainty because you command your thoughts and behaviours. 6. The unknown can make life exciting Embracing the unknown comes with a recognition of the mysteriousness of life. Even though your first response might be: “Yes, I want to know my future!” upon closer introspection, you might be surprised. “To embrace the unknown is to live the life as it was meant to be lived — being surprised by all its miracles.” Indeed, a recent study confirmed that most people do not really want to know what lies ahead. In fact, only 1 per cent of people consistently said they would want to know their future. Between 40-70 per cent of participants in the said study would not want to know about the positive events in their future. The numbers for negative events are even higher – 85-90 per cent would not want to find out ahead about adversities that await them. To embrace the unknown is to live the life as it was meant to be lived — being surprised by all its miracles. Ways you can embrace the unknown So, how can we learn to embrace the unknown if it is not our second skin? How do we learn to accept uncertainty and even enjoy it? Here are some ideas on how to stretch your comfort zone little by little. Stop overthinking and overplanning Trust your ability to land on your feet no matter what happens. The next time you have a decision to make, embrace the unknown and do not try to predict your distant future. Stick with the immediate facts and choices. Learn to live in the present moment Another Buddhistic wisdom we all would benefit from – live in the now. We cannot change the past. We cannot predict the future. While we are trying the latter, we are missing out on the only thing we do have – the present moment. Indulge in spur-of-the-moment experiences I am not propagating recklessness or risky/unhealthy behaviour. However, when things are safe, do allow yourself some impulsiveness. I am talking about an unplanned trip with your friends, for example. Even taking an unplanned route to work or anywhere else could help you practice embracing the unknown. Do not compare your past experiences with what is happening right now. If you do, you might start acting on the basis of what had happened sometime before, not what is going on right now. And you could fear the outcomes that once ensued – but you do not know what will happen this time. Switch fear for curiosity A study from February 2021 revealed that mindfulness truly contributes to meaning in life. However, this relationship is mediated by curiosity and openness to experience. In other words, when you decide to be curious about what happens next, you will learn to embrace the unknown and uncertainty and, at the same time, help other beneficial psychological processes to evolve freely. Exercise gratitude When you develop the habit of being grateful, you also learn to notice how every situation brings something to be thankful for. Such a skill will help you embrace the unknown because you know that every cloud has a silver lining. Takeaway: embracing the unknown Uncertainty will always be a part of life. This is a given. And, paradoxically, the more you try to prepare for the unpredictable, the more surprised you may become. I am not saying you should give up on acquiring information, planning or developing your skill-set. You should always strive to be the most resilient and resourceful version of yourself. However, if you see the unknown as the enemy, chances are, you will not be able to enjoy the variety of life. The unknown comes with both the good and the bad. If you only expect enjoyable experiences and avoid anything new for your fear of adversities, you might miss out on half of life. So, embrace the unknown. It is everywhere, whether you like it or not. When you welcome it into your existence, you will be at peace. Embracing the unknown is the path towards true joy and openness to life’s wonders. • Main image: shutterstock/everst happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Courage Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

With so many books on meditation available, how do you pick the best one to suit your needs? Answer? Just listen to the advice of meditation and mindfulness teacher Ann Vrlak: she's read them all. Discover the four themes she suggests to help guide you in the right direction. As a lifelong meditator and meditation teacher for ten years, I must have read a small library of books on meditation and spirituality. So, if you ask me, like many of my students have, “What’s the best book on meditation?” I would say, “It depends on why you’re interested in meditation.” Would you like to know how you can make meditation part of a healthy, everyday routine? Are you tired of emotional patterns that hold you back? Do you have a yearning to understand the perennial spiritual questions such as “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” With these questions in mind, I’ve divided this list of the best books on meditation into themes. Choose one that you feel fits you best right now with regards to what you’re currently looking for or interested in. You can come back to reading the other books as you progress on your meditation journey. Lay back and discover the best books on meditation These days there are many apps and podcasts about mindfulness and meditation out there to guide you through exercises step by step. They’re a wonderful way to get a taste of different meditation styles and practices. But if you want to have a fuller picture of meditation – what it is, how it works and how it is relevant to you and your life – books on meditation could be the best place to begin. Firstly, what is meditation exactly? Each of our pick of meditation books in this list will answer this question, in slightly different ways. But don’t let those differing perspectives worry you! The versatility of meditation is one reason it has been an enduring, worldwide practice for hundreds of years. The best definition of meditation is: it's a practice to help you see and understand yourself in an increasingly complete way. It’s a practice, that can have many forms, that invites you to closely and compassionately investigate your body, mind and spirit. “This list of the best books on meditation is divided into themes. Choose one that you feel fits you best right now with regards to what you're interested in.” The central idea is that we are much more than our usual day-to-day stream of activities, plans, thoughts and emotions. Everyday living is always at the centre of true meditation, treated with kindness and respect, while going on a journey to discover what else we are. The journey is a loving, clear-eyed way to answer the age-old questions of your identity and purpose in life. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • Big questions, aren’t they? And meditation teachers through the ages, who you can learn from in these books, will tell you it’s possible for each of us to find genuine answers that change us. And, though the journey may not always be comfortable, it is full of rewards. The best books on meditation In a way, I’ve manufactured the following themes. The unique thing about meditation is, when you understand and experience one of these themes in a new way, the others follow automatically. A bit more mental clarity will give you some emotional calm which will help you gain some life balance, and so on. Still, if one of these four themes hits the mark for you, start with one of the books that focuses on your interest: The big picture: understanding core meditation principles and practices Clear thinking and balanced emotions Life balance and overall health Spiritual meaning and growth • The big picture: understanding core meditation principles and practices • Even though meditation has become much more mainstream in the last 20 years, it’s still something that causes confusion. Is it about stopping my thoughts? Or, being peaceful all the time? Or, will it conflict with my religious or spiritual beliefs? There are many books written by experienced and caring teachers who can help to demystify meditation and explain how it can help you with the same everyday experiences that have troubled people for hundreds of years: worry, loneliness, depression, lack of meaning, dissatisfaction and more. I wholeheartedly recommend these two books: 1. Meditation for Beginners: Jack Kornfield Jack Kornfield is a gentle, expert guide to meditation. In this book, Kornfield explains the what, how and why of a regular meditation practice in plain language. Meditation for Beginners is a jargon-free book that will take you step-by-step through a range of practices and how they can help you cope with challenging experiences and grow your sense of innate well-being. 2. Real Happiness: Sharon Salzberg Sharon Salzberg is another teacher and writer who has a gift for describing meditation in simple, engaging language. Real Happiness... is a comprehensive overview of the principles and practices of meditation, centred around developing three key skills: concentration, mindfulness and loving-kindness. Each chapter offers a short discussion, practices or exercises, and often an answer to a common question about a meditation topic. • Meditation for everyday living and balance • How can meditation help me have a more balanced, healthy and positive life? Here are two books that answer this question in different ways: 3. Making Space: Thich Nhat Hanh Making Space is a short, refreshing read from Thich Nhat Hanh about how to establish a meditation practice. It’s full of tips and insights on how to set up a routine that will be meaningful and inviting for you. I especially love the many creative practices the author includes for “outside of meditation” – a range of things you can do to bring meditative awareness to what you do in your day. These deceptively simple exercises will start to increase your MQ – Meditative Quotient. 4. The Book of Secrets: Deepak Chopra Deepak Chopra has written countless books on meditation, spirituality and health. As a long-time spiritual practitioner and physician, he writes with authority about meditation as a core skill for self-awareness, growth and vibrant health. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • Many of Chopra’s books could be on a 'best books on meditation' list, but I chose The Book of Secrets because of its many surprises! Chopra’s choice of topics and the creative ways he writes about them opened by mind to the 'hidden dimensions' of my own life. Chapters like 'What You Seek, You Already Are' and 'You Are Truly Free When You Are Not a Person' had a great influence on me and my teaching. • Clear thinking and emotional balance • Most of us become interested in meditation because we just want to feel better. It seems the same troubling emotions and ways of thinking have been with us our whole lives, and that they will never change. These two books are a great place to learn where and how change is possible: 5. Radical acceptance: Tara Brach, Ph.D. Tara Brach is a popular Buddhist teacher because of her approachable, compassionate teaching. Brach is also a clinical psychologist who uses her in-depth experience with people’s day-to-day struggles to discuss the power of meditation. I recommend her first best-seller Radical Acceptance for its far-reaching look at emotional balance and health. “Each of the meditation books in this list is written by an experienced teacher trusted by people all over the world. You’ll be in good hands.” The central idea of the book is that many of us have lifelong habits of self-criticism and perfectionism that leave us in a subconscious state of “I’m not OK.” Brach sees the healing of this core “mistake” as the way to release self-harming beliefs and emotions. As the misunderstanding falls away, so does inner conflict which increases our happiness and allows us to connect with others from a place of greater wholeness. 6. When Things Fall Apart: Pema Chödrön Pema Chödrön is a beloved Buddhist teacher who has been writing and teaching for over 40 years. Her humble and humorous approach to teaching comes from a “we’re all in this together” perspective. She is a skilled translator of Buddhist philosophy and practices into understandable modern language. Chödrön is someone who has a deep understanding of unhappiness in all its forms: from day-to-day anxiety, to depression, to despair, and she is a master at kindly meeting you where you are. In When Things Fall Apart there are many times where she describes my own mental or emotional confusion in a way that is so accurate, I know she must have travelled the same road and had found ways to respond and grow through meditation. • Spiritual meaning and growth • Meditation came out of people’s quest for answers to the perennial questions about identity and purpose. Indeed, people’s confusion and unhappiness are the same today as they have always been, as has our desire for clarity and happiness. These two books by modern spiritual masters take in-depth looks at these questions and how we can find the answers ourselves. 7. The Power of Now: Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now is a complete examination of why and how we experience confusion, doubt, fear, disconnection and unhappiness, and how we can uncover the part of us that is free of these difficulties. Eckhart Tolle explains the source of this unhappiness as the forgetting of our true nature, as spiritual beings. He explains how we can all rediscover the true nature, that we all share, by going fully into this moment – the power of now. This book on meditation could easily be in the 'Classics' section below! 8. True Meditation: Adyashanti In a series of simple essays, Western teacher Adyashanti turns around the core misunderstandings about meditation. In True Meditation he describes how true meditation is less a practice of doing various techniques, than allowing who you already are to show itself. Chapters like, 'Allow everything to be as it is,' 'Ending the war with your mind,' and 'Our natural tendency is to awaken' draw a picture of meditating as a letting go of effort – something that's not usually associated with meditation! Adyashanti comes from a Zen Buddhist background, but uses clear, everyday language to invite you to investigate your experience with fresh eyes. The book comes with a CD of three core practices. Bonus 1: books for kids One of my favourite things to do in mindfulness classes with kids is reading a book. There are many wonderful books out there you can use at home with the children in your life. These are a few of my favourites – and kids’ too! Peaceful Piggy Meditation; Mindful Monkey, Happy Panda; and, Moody Cow Meditates by Kerry Lee MacLean. Awesomely cute, funny and heartwarming books with meditation themes. Planting Seeds: Practicing Mindfulness with Children by Thich Nhat Hanh and the Plum Village Community. A children's book on meditation filled with love and respect for kids, and how to nurture them through simple, meditation practices. The paperback comes with a CD of guided exercises. Bonus 2: classics Would you like to read a meditation classic – a book that different teachers, across traditions recommend to students as a comprehensive discussion of meditation? They are written by people who teach from a place of lived knowledge, from embodying a meditative life. Here are five of the best: I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj Be As You Are: The Teachings of Ramana Maharshi by David Godman Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu The takeaway: best books on meditation Each of the books on meditation in this list is written by an experienced teacher trusted by people all over the world. You’ll be in good hands whichever of these reads best suits you most. Remember that a little can go a long way. When an idea or practice grabs you, stay with it, contemplate it and practise it, and notice what changes for you. These best books on meditation will all help you experience meditation for yourself, rather than giving you concepts to believe. So, let these authors guide you to trusting yourself and being in awe of what you find! • Main image: shutterstock/alexandre zveiger happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Vedic Meditation | Gratitude Meditation | 6 Phase Meditation Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Practising forgiveness is a key way to cultivate deeper happiness. However, forgiving someone – or yourself – isn't always easy. Here, Arlo Laibowitz shares some great steps on how to make the process easier, enabling you to let go of suffering and move on with your life. To live is to get hurt. We've all been in the situation that we feel that others have done us wrong: by their words, their actions, or even worse, their indifference. And then there are the things we regret doing or saying ourselves. The saying goes, 'to forgive and forget', but in practice, we tend to hold on to our feelings of hurt and resentment. Forgiveness: what exactly is it? How can we forgive others, and ourselves, for good? What is genuine forgiveness? And how does forgiving help us to lead happier and more peaceful lives? Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you. Forgiveness is not forgetting, or condoning or excusing offences. It is what we do for ourselves to get well and move on. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } XX How to practise forgiveness How to forgive someone: 12 steps According to author and Buddhist practitioner Jack Kornfield, we can forgive by following these 12 steps: Understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Feel the suffering in yourself of holding on to your lack of forgiveness. Reflect on the benefits of a loving heart. Discover that it is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering. Understand that forgiveness is a process. Set your intention for forgiveness. Learn the inner and outer forms of forgiveness. Start the easiest way, by forgiving an ‘easy’ individual. Be willing to grieve. Forgiveness includes all dimensions of life, including the body, mind, emotions, and interpersonal. Forgiveness involves a shift of identity, to our capacity for love, freedom and good. Forgiveness involves perspective. Forgive and forget someone in nine simple steps shutterstock/fizkes The nine-steps forgiveness program On a more practical level, when it comes to knowing how to forgive someone there are clear steps to be followed, as outlined by Fred Luskin of Stanford University. He outlined a forgiveness program that helps us to take things less personally, blaming others less, and offering more understanding and compassion to others, and to ourselves: Know how you feel and be able to express what you do not consider acceptable about the situation or behaviour. Commit yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is a personal process. Forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation or condoning the actions of the person that has grieved you. Forgiveness is about peace and understanding and taking things less personally. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Practice stress management to soothe flight or fight, by doing mindful breathing exercises, taking a walk, or whatever else works. Give up expecting things from your life or other people that they do not give you. Put your energy into looking for ways to get your positive goals met, instead of focusing on the experience that has hurt you. Remember that a well-lived life is an ultimate revenge: look for love, beauty, and kindness. Put energy into appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have. Amend the way you look at your past; cherish your forgiveness. Research has shown that as we forgive, we are less susceptible to stress, anger and hurt. Once we have learnt how to forgive, it becomes easier to do that in new situations and induces more optimism. Practising forgiveness is one of the essential ways we can lead more meaningful lives. By gifting ourselves the gift of forgiveness, we can live more loving, more compassionate, and ultimately, happier lives. ● Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Choosing kindness over negativity or indifference may not be our default reaction, but we can cultivate it over time through consistent action. Sonia Vadlamani offers seven ways in which we can reconnect with kindness towards others and ourselves as well. The discussion around kindness has heightened ever since the COVID-19 pandemic unfolded, perhaps owing to the rise of various aid groups during lockdowns and contingencies, or because the interruption of life as we knew it caused us to reconsider our priorities and values. Indeed, kindness is undoubtedly considered one of the most prized social currencies, in addition to being the cornerstone for humankind’s virtues. Philosophers and spiritual gurus have hailed the virtue of kindness as a potent gift for centuries, while academic researchers and psychologists have conducted considerable research centered on the power of kindness. Still, at some point in our lives, most of us have been denied a more compassionate approach by someone or have disregarded the option to extend kindness towards others. Some of us have also been bullied online or received a harsh response to a genuine query, and at times we’ve regretted our indifferent or judgmental behavior towards others. With the wide-ranging benefits of kindness so well known, why do we need to be reminded to choose kindness – why don’t we 'just be kind' all the time? Why we need to choose kindness It is fair to wonder why we should have to “choose” kindness, rather than it being our natural state. However, our perennially busy and fast-paced lives may have rendered us indifferent to the suffering and problems of those around us. Furthermore, our inherent negativity bias may persuade us to react strongly to unfavorable or unpleasant outcomes, instead of assessing the situation in a more objective light. Additionally, human beings are wired to judge others according to their character and actions, while they tend to judge themselves based on the situation. This tendency – also known as “fundamental attribution error” – is based on the inconsistency in our reaction towards other people’s actions or views. While we may attribute our failures or decisions to the circumstances we were caught up in during a situation, we do not readily assess other people’s behavior and problems in the same understanding manner. For instance, if I ever park too close to someone else’s car, then I must’ve had an emergency, and hence it should be forgiven as a one-off incident. However, if someone else parked outside their line so that their vehicle encroaches a bit of my parking spot, then they must be irresponsible and need to be taught a lesson. Does this line of thought seem familiar to you as well? Donating goods – or time – to a foodbank is one way to choose kindness shutterstock/BAZA Production Indeed, choosing kindness can bring about the much-needed shift in the way we judge. Being kind can teach us to look carefully and objectively at the way we react to external stimuli and assess the circumstances before we react in a rude or harsh manner. Cultivating kindness as a choice “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible,” as the 14th Dalai Lama famously stated. Choosing kindness poses several benefits for us and others around us, yet costs nothing. To kindle kindness as a daily practice, Dr Tara Cousineau – renowned psychotherapist and author of The Kindness Cure – suggests that we ponder over the question: wow can I bring kindness into my day, in any small way? “Choosing kindness can bring about the much-needed shift in the way we judge. Being kind can teach us to look carefully and objectively at the way we react to external stimuli.” “Kindness is not random,” says Dr Cousineau. She explains that choosing kindness intentionally requires us to be compassionate, considerate, understanding and forgiving in a consistent manner, even on the days we may not feel like it. Authentic kindness requires genuine intention and effort on our part. The process of choosing kindness may gradually get easier once we start experiencing the joy or cheer that being kind sparks. How does choosing kindness benefit us? Being kind comes with a wealth of research-backed benefits. Acting kindly can make us feel less anxious, and can ease social avoidance tendencies, allowing us to form meaningful connections. Kindness can also combat psychological distress and alleviate depression. A study by Dr Hans Kirschner et al revealed that being kind switches off our inbuilt threat response, allowing us to feel safe and relaxed, thus promoting tissue regeneration and healing in the body. This ability to switch off the threat response can reduce the onset of disease and boost our well-being. 7 ways to practise choosing kindness every day Cultivating kindness in our daily routine begins with consistent action. Researcher Helen Weng compares the ability to practice kindness with the science of weightlifting, wherein one can build their ‘compassion muscle’ and get more adept at helping others with sufficient practise. Here are seven ways in which we can try to choose kindness – every day: 1. Create a kindness plan It is possible to choose kindness in the way of small gestures and little things that can spread happiness and brighten someone’s day. Jot down one act of kindness for each day of the month – for others and yourself – that you can carry out, thus encouraging the neural pathways in your brain towards embracing positivity and compassion. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation shares a comprehensive list of kindness ideas that can be carried out with minimal effort. Some examples of random acts of kindness can include: Buying a few extra items at the supermarket for donations – many supermarkets now have designated areas where you can leave produce. Alternatively, look into ways of donating to food banks. Complimenting a stranger in a good-natured manner. Befriending an elderly person to help them combat loneliness or inviting a senior for a chat over a cuppa. Supporting a local business by buying their products or eating at local restaurants and promoting them via your social media channels. 2. Practise compassionate listening Offering someone our undivided attention in the form of mindful listening can be a simple, effective and free way to choose kindness too. Remember it is essential to keep all technological distractions and our inner judgmental voice at bay while we do so. 3. Donate or raise funds for charity A survey conducted by Harvard Business School pointed out that individuals who were more generous financially and made sizeable charitable donations measured highest for overall happiness levels. The study thus revealed that prosocial spending, or utilizing one’s financial resources to help others resulted in improved emotional well-being. Raising funds for animal welfare, organizing a fundraiser for the care of cancer patients at your local hospital, helping a neighbor who may be facing a crisis by organizing a charity drive, etc. are some of the ways you could bring about a positive change by choosing kindness. A litter pick shows kindness to the planet shutterstock/Dragon Images 4. Choose to be kind online While the advent of social media has made us more aware and conscious, unfortunately it also has given rise to rampant cyberbullying, and hostile behavior based on one’s appearance, ethnicity, gender stereotypes, and personal beliefs etc. We can choose kindness online by encouraging positive messages, spreading cheer and love instead of hate, and ignoring negative or hateful content. Even when we disagree with someone, it is possible to do so in an objective and respectable manner. RELATED: Adult bullying and how to deal with it 5. Choose kindness for the planet While gardening offers several mental health benefits as a hobby, it can contribute towards greener and cleaner living spaces as well. Finding small ways to reduce our carbon footprint and adopting more sustainable practices like picking up litter, packing a waste-free lunch, carrying your own tote to grocery shop, etc, can go a long way to improve the world around us. 6. Practise kindness at work It is important to remember that your employees and coworkers have their own challenges, hidden from plain sight. This is especially true in the current times, with the COVID-19 pandemic disrupting lives at every level, as parents struggle to find a balance between working remotely and homeschooling. Leading with compassion can improve morale, boost productivity and ensure higher employee retention, according to research. “Choosing kindness intentionally requires us to be compassionate, considerate, understanding and forgiving in a consistent manner, even on the days we may not feel like it.” Leaders in service industry – and hospitality sector in particular – quite possibly realize the importance of choosing “habitual kindness”, in attempts to deliver experiences that customers will remember forever. Indeed, consumer decisions are often based on how well their expectations were met and the collective experience, so if you find yourself being loyal to a particular brand or service provider, it is probably because their leadership drives down kindness as their core value. 7. Choose to be kind to yourself Choosing kindness towards yourself becomes more crucial than ever during adverse times, or when you are feeling low. Afterall, it’s harder to practice kindness towards others when you’re stressed or overwhelmed. Befriending yourself gently through self-compassion and self-care is the first step towards choosing kindness. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests establishing helpful self-compassion breaks when you find that you’re stressed or being too harsh on yourself. Place a hand over your heart and practice saying to yourself: “May I regard myself in a gentler, fair light.”, or “May I bring kindness to this moment, even when I’m stressed.” These self-compassion statements will help you center your attention back to choosing kindness for yourself. The takeaway: choosing kindness As the famous saying goes, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind”. While we may not remember every person we ever met by their name, we are likely to remember each act of kindness rendered to us. Indeed, choosing kindness as a daily practice can offer a host of physiological and psychological benefits. Carrying out a series of activities centered on kindness can boost happiness, as revealed by an investigation experiment by Lee Rowland et al. Exercising kindness may take some practice but can also create long-lasting happiness for others as well as ourselves. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Altruism | Empathy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

While letting your negative emotions out may feel good in the moment, science suggests it might make matters worse in the long run. By Jill Suttie on behalf of Greater Good Science Center We all get upset from time to time — some of us more than others. Whether we’re sad about the loss of a loved one, angry at friends or family, or fearful about the state of the world, it often feels good to let it all out. That’s because sharing our emotions reduces our stress while making us feel closer to others we share with and providing a sense of belonging. When we open up our inner selves and people respond with sympathy, we feel seen, understood and supported. But “sharing” covers a lot of different modes of communication. Are some healthier than others, over the long run? Science suggests that it depends, in part, on how you share and how people respond to you. Expressing our emotions often to others may actually make us feel worse, especially if we don’t find a way to gain some perspective on why we feel the way we do and take steps to soothe ourselves. Why we vent Our emotions are valuable sources of information, alerting us that something is wrong in our environment and needs our attention. Whether we need to confront someone who’s abusing us, hide to avoid danger, or seek comfort from friends, feelings like anger, fear and sadness help us prepare to meet the moment. But if feelings are internal signals, why do we share them with others? “We want to connect with other people who can help validate what we’re going through, and venting really does a pretty good job at fulfilling that need,” says researcher Ethan Kross, author of the book Chatter. “It feels good to know there’s someone there to rely on who cares enough to take time to listen.” Sharing our feelings also provides an opportunity to gain insight into what’s causing our difficult feelings and avert future upsets. Sometimes, just verbalizing what’s bothering us to another person helps to clarify the situation and name the emotions involved. Or, if we get caught in emotional whirlwinds, our confidants can provide new perspectives and offer sound advice, says Kross. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness Unfortunately, this latter part of the equation often gets lost in the shuffle, he adds. “When we get stuck in a venting session, it feels good in the moment, because we’re connecting with other people,” he says. “But if all we do is vent, we don’t address our cognitive needs, too. We aren’t able to make sense of what we’re experiencing, to make meaning of it.” So, while venting may be good for building supportive relationships and feel good in the moment, it’s not enough to help us through. If others simply listen and empathize, they may inadvertently extend our emotional upset. The dark side of venting For many years, psychologists believed that dark emotions, like anger, needed to be released physically. This led to a movement to “let it all out,” with psychologists literally telling people to hit soft objects, like pillows or punching bags, to release pent-up feelings. It turns out, however, that this type of emotional venting likely doesn’t soothe anger as much as augment it. That’s because encouraging people to act out their anger makes them relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways for anger and making it easier to get angry the next time around. Studies on venting anger (without effective feedback), whether online or verbally, have also found it to be generally unhelpful. “Expressing our emotions often to others may actually make us feel worse, especially if we don’t find a way to gain some perspective.” The same is true of grief or anxiety following trauma. While we should of course seek support from those around us during difficult times of loss and pain, if we simply relive our experience without finding some way to soothe ourselves or find meaning, it could extend our suffering. For some time, people who worked with trauma victims encouraged them to “debrief” afterward, having them talk through what happened to them to ward off post-traumatic stress. But a randomized controlled study found that this didn’t help much, likely because debriefing doesn’t help distance people from their trauma. Similarly, students who vented their anxiety after 9/11 suffered from more anxiety up to four months later than those who didn’t. As the study authors write, their “focus on and venting of emotions was found to be uniquely predictive of longer-term anxiety.” Venting through social media can do the same thing. In one study, researchers surveyed students attending Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University after mass shootings occurred at each campus to see how venting their grief over social media helped them recover. While students thought that venting was beneficial, their post-traumatic stress and depression scores actually went up the more they vented. Talking and listening with care Besides making us feel worse, venting can also have a negative effect on our audience. While supportive friends and family hopefully care enough to listen and sympathize with us, it can be frustrating to sit with someone who vents frequently when that person seems to be wallowing in emotion without learning from their experience. And being around someone stuck in anger, fear or sadness cycles can be overwhelming for listeners who may end up “catching” the emotions themselves. Over-venting can upset who you're sharing with shutterstock/fizkes “Repeatedly venting over and over and over again, can create friction in social relationships,” says Kross. “There’s often a limit to how much listeners, your friends, can actually hear.” I know that I am guilty of wanting someone to listen to me when I’m upset — and not wanting advice right off the bat. If I’m in the midst of pain, trying to talk me out of my feelings or to offer pat solutions seems insensitive or even patronizing. 
 However, Kross doesn’t advocate for that. Instead, he says, there’s an art to being a listener. It takes a combination of empathy or sympathy — and waiting for the right moment before offering perspective. “People are going to differ, depending on what they’re dealing with, how intense their experiences are,” he says. “Being sensitive to the fact that some people may need more time before they’re ready to transition from venting to thinking is really important.” Skillful venting There is a healthier way to vent, Kross says. He suggests these guidelines: 1. Be selective about when you vent There are lots of ways to deal with difficult emotions, and not all of them involve other people. Some people can gain perspective on their own, by writing their thoughts down or gaining distance from them through meditation. Kross recommends changing your environment to help you process emotions and tamp down rumination that might otherwise keep you stuck in an emotional whirlwind. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques 2. When you vent to others, prompt them to offer perspective If you find yourself venting to someone without your emotions dissipating (or maybe getting worse), you may be caught in a cycle of “co-rumination” — a rehashing that can keep you stuck. To get out of that, you can ask the person to step back and help you reframe your experience by asking, “How should I think about this differently?” or “What should I do in this situation?” This will cue them to offer perspective and assure them that you’re looking for something more than a listening ear. Ask for perspective, don't just vent feelings shutterstock/fizkes 3. Consider to whom you vent Before venting to someone, ask yourself, “Did this person really help me the last time I talked to them, or did they just make me feel worse?” If someone is there for you, but doesn’t tend to broaden your perspective, you may just get more stirred up emotionally. Being more deliberate about who you vent to could help you in the long run. 4. Be careful around online venting While sharing our emotions online can help us feel better in the moment and identify supportive allies, results can be mixed. For one thing, negative emotions easily spread online, which may create a herd mentality, resulting in bullying or trolling — especially if you identify a particular person as responsible for your feelings. While it’s unclear if venting online is an overall good or bad thing, it may not help you gain the perspective you need to move forward. Still, all in all, Kross says venting is a good thing, helping us cope. If we can get past the letting off steam part, we can feel better in the long run and keep our relationships strong, too. “Venting serves some function,” he says. “It has benefits for the self in terms of satisfying our social and emotional needs. We just need to find out what the correct dosage is and make sure to offer to supplement that with cognitive reframing.” • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Deep listening | Communication skills | Friendship Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

We all spend too much time 'in our heads' now and again. But overthinking regularly can be detrimental to our mental health if those thoughts are negative, so it's important to remember you are not your thoughts. Dee Marques offers some mindful exercises to help you do just that. Have you ever wondered how many thoughts we have in a day? It may seem impossible to calculate, but actually, we do have an answer. In fact, psychologists at a Canadian university have quantified the average number of daily thoughts an adult has as 6,200. This figure seems to confirm that we spend a lot of time in our heads. And there are plenty more studies to confirm this. For example, an article published in Science magazine reported that we spend more than 46 per cent of our waking hours thinking about things that aren’t related to what we’re doing in any given moment. Of course, thinking isn’t all bad and letting the mind wander can have its benefits. However, from a mental health perspective, it’s important to be aware of the content of our thoughts, and of the impact they can have when we let them run loose. Negative self-talk and rumination are real problems. Indeed, back in the early 2000s, researchers at the United States National Science Foundation estimated that 80 per cent of our thoughts are negative, and 95 per cent of them are repetitive. Looking at these statistics, it’s easy to understand how much our thoughts can affect our quality of life and potential for enjoyment. Get out of your head: you are not your thoughts! shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Psychiatrist Sigmund Freud once asked, “Where does a thought go when it’s forgotten?” Although this complex question has no definitive answer, there’s one thing we know: your thoughts leave a footprint in your mind. Sometimes, they can become a part of your identity, but here’s the thing: you are not your thoughts. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and moderate their impact. In this article, I’ll explain why you are not your thoughts and how you can curb the effects of negative thinking on your everyday life. The negative effects of brain chatter Self-talk, brain chatter, mental noise… whatever we call it, it's important to understand that allowing certain mental patterns to take control can be harmful. Well-being is a matter of balance. If we spend too much time focusing on thoughts, we run the risk of tipping the scale too heavily in one direction. In other words, if we think too much, that can mean that we’re acting too little, and life requires a healthy balance between thinking and acting. “If we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. Thoughts are not facts, and you are not your thoughts.” Moreover, if we don’t learn how to curb our negative inner dialogue, we can expose ourselves to unnecessary suffering and unhappiness. Living in our heads and dwelling on our thoughts can lead to rumination. This potentially toxic habit can cause multiple mental and physical health issues, from depression to high blood pressure, including insomnia, anxiety, and excessive alcohol consumption. Rumination is everything but productive. When we enter this state, we’re more likely to get trapped in cyclical thoughts and to believe we have no power to act on whatever is worrying us. The result is a pessimistic and passive outlook on life – the opposite of the healthy belief that you are not your thoughts. And while we’re stuck ruminating about the past or the future, we’re not acting in the present, which is the only thing over which we have some degree of control. RELATED: Learn how to stop overthinking Another danger is that if we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. You must remember that thoughts are not facts, and that you are not your thoughts. Let’s look at how to do this. You are not your thoughts: how to make it real First, identify what causes the problem. Keep a diary of your thoughts to see if you can find any patterns to when they appear or what triggers them. Common triggers are watching the news, mindlessly scrolling through social media feeds, and monotonous or repetitive tasks, like cleaning or driving the usual commute. Once you’ve identified the triggers, think of something that will keep your mind busy when the thoughts appear. For example, if this happens when you’re driving, make a habit of listening to uplifting podcasts about happiness or audiobooks. A digital detox can be a real eye opener and a big step in helping you realise that you are not your thoughts. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques The second suggestion is not to suppress those thoughts completely. You don’t want to encourage the “don’t think of an elephant” effect. Instead, give yourself 15 minutes a day to calmly consider your worries. Set an alarm and once it goes off, remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, and carry on with your day. It can also help to take an active approach to your worries. Write them down and think about what can you do about them. You may want to use brainstorming techniques to be creative with problems instead of letting them define your life. Exercises to practise If uncontrolled thoughts have become mental noise that drains your energy, you can learn to silence them with mindfulness. This practice trains our brain to observe thoughts instead of automatically acting or reacting on them. Here is an exercise suggestion: The key is to observe thoughts with curiosity and without judgement, noticing how they feel as they enter and leave your mind. Make a mental note of whether the thoughts run fast or slow, what are the common themes, find out if they’re repetitive or different. As you do this, you can imagine a crystal clear stream. It’s autumn and tree leaves are falling. Imagine each leaf is a thought, and watch them fall, enter the stream, and be washed away until you can no longer see them. Learn to simply observe your thoughts with curiosity After the mindfulness exercise, you can also try to find out the intention behind those thoughts. Every emotion has a positive purpose, but sometimes our mind doesn’t allow us to see it, because it goes into rumination mode automatically. For example, anxious thoughts could signal a need for self-care and protection. Sadness can prompt us to adjust to new circumstances and develop new tools to thrive. Whenever negative thoughts make you feel anxious, find some quiet space to be present in the moment. You can sit or lie down in a comfortable position and focus on how your body feels against the floor or chair, taking your time to do a body scan from head to toe. If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge now. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren’t always a reflection of reality. “If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren't always a reflection of reality.” Repeated mindfulness sessions can help you win the fight between a restless “monkey mind” and the logical or rational mind. Over time, you’ll notice how your power to deflect unwanted thoughts improves, and how the idea that you are not your thoughts becomes a reality. One last suggestion is to work on self-acceptance. It takes time to get hold of your thinking habits and to fully understand that you are not your thoughts, so don’t be too hard on yourself in you don’t get it right 100 per cent of the times. And don’t forget to look over previous blog posts, where we listed great mindfulness podcasts to keep you motivated or explored different ways of incorporating mindfulness into your daily life. Takeaway: you are not your thoughts Negative self-talk can make it hard to believe that you are not your thoughts, and mental noise can be draining. But as powerful beings, we have the resources to be in control and to stop letting our thoughts dictate how our mood and actions. Try the suggestions in this article, and if in doubt, remember: you are not your thoughts, you’re much more than that! • Main image: shutterstock/Dragana Gordic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Letting go | Acceptance | Self Care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

If you hadn't already heard, podcasts are all the rage. Calvin Holbrook selects eight great happiness podcasts that will enrich your life, boost well-being and help you learn on-the-go. Are you listening to any happiness podcasts at the moment? Learning and improvement around well-being and happiness has until recently been mainly confined to reading self-help books or viewing online videos. But the power of podcasts now means we don’t need to have to focus on watching or reading, instead we can joyfully and simply listen. This advantage means that happiness podcasts are perfect for traveling, commuting or just when you’re out and about walking. Tuning into a happiness podcast is a great new way to learn more about well-being and can also be a fantastic way to boost your happiness if you’re having an off day. The benefits of this new medium mean that podcasts are rising in popularity fast. But don't just take our word for it. Indeed, podcasts as a medium are popping right now. Around 7.1 million people in the UK now listen to one each week: an increase of 24 per cent over the past year. And in the US, nearly one out of three people listen to at least one podcast every month. Our pick of the best happiness podcasts With such a boom, the overwhelming number of happiness and well-being podcasts out there to choose from could trigger anxiety in some of us! So, we’ve done the hard work and rounded up the best happiness podcasts so you don’t have to search for them. Here are eight podcasts in the areas of positive psychology, happiness and self-help that will lift your day and help you learn to be a happier and more rounded human being. 1. Greater Good: The Science of Happiness If you’re like us at happiness.com and put emphasis on understanding the science behind happiness, then the podcast The Science of Happiness is a great listen. A fortnightly happiness podcast from our collaborators over at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, as the title suggests, it places importance on science-based insights for a meaningful life. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • In each bite-sized episode (around 20 minutes), the podcast features so-called ‘happiness guinea pigs’ trying out study-backed strategies for a happier, more meaningful life. The guinea pigs test the tips for happiness by making practical changes to their lives and daily routines and then report back on the effects (usually with positive results). Recent popular episodes include ‘making happiness contagious’, ‘facing your fears’ and a fascinating chat with stand-up comedian Margaret Cho who shares some insights into her thoughts around gratitude and time. 2. Gretchin Rubin: Happier with Gretchin Rubin One of the first podcast converts and also one of the most popular, Happier with Gretchin Rubin features the influential and best-selling author of The Happiness Project discussing human life and encouraging her sister – a noted skeptic – to put her well-being tips into practice. The pair’s breezy and humorous nature makes their podcast chats easy to listen to and Happier with Gretchin Rubin covers subjects such as building good habits, improving relationships and developing a happier life. Gretchen draws from her personal wisdom and experiences as well as science to examine how humans can live their lives with greater happiness, creativity and productivity. Rubin has won awards for this cast, proof indeed that it’s one of the best happiness podcasts around today. 3. Nithya Shanti: Spreading Happiness Usually running for between one and two hours (or more), the majority of Nithya Shanti’s Spreading Happiness podcasts are long-players that deserve your full attention. Shanti quit a corporate career in India to pursue his inner calling to be a Buddhist monk. Since then, his experience has led him to share his learnings through so-called “joyful gatherings” across the world. His irregular Spreading Happiness podcast series is a great opportunity to benefit from the best of Shanti’s teachings as it’s a compilation of these global gatherings: elegant teachings on conscious living, and a mix guided meditations, inspiration, wisdom, and story telling. “Tuning into a happiness podcast is a great way to learn more about well-being and can be a fantastic way to boost happiness if you're having an off day.” Recent podcast highlights include 'The Beauty of Agendalessness', 'Power of Presence' and 'Happiness Habits'. Sound quality isn’t always optimal, but you can really feel Shanti’s infectious smile and spiritual strength coming through in his words, making for a wonderful listen. 4. 10% Happier with Dan Harris Another stalwart of the happiness podcast scene is Dan Harris, the presenter who experienced a panic attack live on-air while hosting Good Morning America on TV. It was that experience that led Harris to meditation in a quest to improve his metal health. Meditation worked him so well that he went on to pen a best-selling book 10% Happier, which led to the development of this podcast. RELATED: Panic attacks – 12 tips on what to do when anxiety hits hard Similarly to his book, Harris’ weekly podcast of the same name has a frank and no-BS view towards presenting meditation. Featuring in-depth interviews with mindfulness and meditation major players (the Dalai Lama has even put in appearance), as well as neuroscientists and psychologists, 10% Happier explores meditation techniques and tips on how to train the mind. New episodes are available every Tuesday morning and run up to 60 minutes. 5. Action For Happiness Action for Happiness is a small charitable initiative working to inspire practical action for a happier and more caring society. Presenter Gui Hung fronts the Action For Happiness podcast which features of a variety of guests within the well-being world: happiness authors, scientists and presenters. Borrowing heavily from James Cordon’s Carpool Karaoke sketches, Hung’s Carpool Podcast feature with mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn recently being featured in the passenger seat to talk about the future of mindfulness. Another reason Action for Happiness makes our best happiness podcasts list is that as well as being able to listen to the audio, you can also watch videos of the experts being interviewed (which works especially well with the Carpool Podcasts!). 6. RuPaul: What’s the Tee? He’s the biggest drag star in the world and a multi Emmy-award winner for his presenting/producing work on hit show RuPaul’s Drag Race, but RuPaul also has a strong interest in spirituality, happiness and self-improvement, that he often discusses with his podcast guests. Usually featuring people from the world of showbiz, What’s the Tee? focuses the chat on their careers, but RuPaul often opens the conversation up to their spiritual and well-being practices, giving a unique insight into the personal lives of these celebrity guests which you can’t find elsewhere easily. RELATED: 8 essential life lessons from RuPaul Charles As well as winning happiness points for its discussion around happiness and making the world a better place, What’s the Tee? is also just LOL funny (and often NSFW). RuPaul’s contagious cackle is reason enough to listen and feel instant happiness. In fact it’s my go-to podcast when I need a pick-me-up, and for that reason alone it makes our list of the best happiness podcasts. 7. Good Life Project The makers of the Good Life Project podcast are on a mission to inspire possibility and connection! Jonathan and Stephanie Fields are the hosts of this podcast which airs twice-weekly. The pair host inspirational and intimate discussions about living life to the fullest and living with meaning with a wide range of guests: from world-shakers such as authors Augusten Borroughs and Seth Godin, musician Liz Phair, professor Brené Brown, as well as everyday guests. RELATED: The 5 best happiness apps to improve well-being Jonathan is a particularly great interviewer with a calm and very listenable voice. Being one of the best happiness podcasts out there, The Good Life Project currently has a back catalogue of over 300 episodes to listen to, usually running for around 45 minutes (which makes them perfect for commutes). 8. Live Happy Now Last but by no means least, this great podcast from the editors of Live Happy magazine features ideas and research on how to develop a happier and more meaningful life. Live Happy Now includes interviews with top positive psychology professionals, well-being leaders and celebrities. The podcasts reflect many of the science-based subjects we discuss in our happiness magazine, with recent podcasts including: ’Embracing slowness’, ‘The importance of self-forgiveness’, ‘Making good habits stick’, ‘Living longer' and 'Happier through kindness'. The tone of this happiness podcast is friendly and light and episodes are digestible at around 30-40 minutes. There are over 200 episodes online to listen to and you can explore the podcasts by categories such as happiness, work, inspiration and science. ● Have you already enjoyed some of these happiness podcasts? We'd love to know which are your favourites and the difference they have made in your life! Share in the comments below! happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Motivation | Jon Kabat-Zinn | Self-help | Music Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our online magazine and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Can our mindset radically affect our choices and determine the course of our lives? Sonia Vadlamani explains the importance of a life of abundance and shares eight simple yet effective ways to cultivate abundance mindset. When Henry Ford famously stated, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't – you're right”, he was emphasizing how our attitude and beliefs determine our success or failure. While we may not realize it, self-limiting thoughts can have a lasting negative impact on our lives, whereas positive reinforcements and a bright outlook on life can help us make better choices, thus resulting in successful outcomes. The term 'abundance mindset' was first coined by Stephen R Covey in 1989, in his best-selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, those choosing an abundance mindset believe that there are unlimited resources available for every individual, and that long-term success warrants creation of a win-win situation for all. Abundance mindset vs scarcity mindset In contrast, Covey refers to scarcity mindset as viewing life as a limited resource, wherein one can get only a share of the pie, while the rest is reserved for others. Those with scarcity mindset believe there just isn’t enough love, time, or money out there for everyone: each thought and every action of theirs is an endeavor to grab the limited opportunities. Adopt a mindset of abundance for positive changes shutterstock/sun ok An experimental study based on neuroimaging revealed that abundance mindset enables individuals to make goal-oriented decisions. On the contrary, those with scarcity mindset perceive limited resources to be available to them, which may impact their decision-making abilities adversely. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • A victim of the scarcity mindset myself until a few years ago, it took me a while to realize that I was limiting myself by remaining in the ‘if only’ trap – assuming that my life would be perfect if only I earned a certain amount of money, bagged that exclusive contract, went on that dream vacation, etc. When I eventually realized that my scarcity mindset was confining me in a victim complex, I consciously looked for ways to expand my awareness and recognize all the growth opportunities around myself. Indeed, escaping the scarcity bubble might seem impossible at first, but consistent focus and determined action plan drawn towards developing an abundance mindset helps immensely. “Self-limiting thoughts can have a lasting negative impact on our lives, whereas positive reinforcements and a bright outlook can help us make better choices.” Sometimes, it may be easy to confuse scarcity mindset with a temporary setback, like being in financial shortfall. Being broke could be a short-lived situation in your life – in fact, not having access to everything you ever desired could prove to be a valuable lesson and help you to be grateful for everything you do have. How is abundance mindset beneficial? Abundance mindset is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. Psychology professor Carol Dweck revealed that people with “growth mindset” believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment. These individuals tend to be more equipped to deal with stressful situations and believe in their ability to generate more successful outcomes as compared to those with a 'fixed mindset'. Individuals with abundance mindset are perceived to be: more creative and inspired to create favorable outcomes for everyone around unfazed even through adverse circumstances more assured about their ability to create high-value results of an amplified magnitude more focused on creating meaningful, unhindered, satisfying life experiences 8 ways to develop an abundance mindset Here are some practical and effective ways to start creating a life of abundance. Incorporate them into your life and try to witness positive changes. 1. Believe in infinite possibilities Those with an abundance mindset can perceive the highest potential in every situation. While scarcity mindset imposes a perceived limit on the resources available, there are always more options, great possibilities and unlimited resources for the abundance-minded. Training your mind to see limitless opportunities in place of shortcomings can be a gradual process. You can start by deliberately expanding your awareness while relaxing your focus, and then asking yourself how you could approach a situation from a different perspective, in a scenario where you know you couldn’t fail. 2. Understand the power of your thoughts “What you think, you become. The mind is everything,” Buddha taught us. The law of manifestation asserts that our inner world reflects our outer reality, and that our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions determine what we manifest into the physical world around us. Taking time to notice the kind of self-limiting or scarcity-based thoughts you experience would allow you to identify your thought patterns and shift them gradually towards abundance. Abundance encourages the best version of you shutterstock/KieferPix 3. Stop comparing yourself to others Scarcity mindset can compel individuals to constantly evaluate how they compare with others. However, those with abundance mindset tend to only compare themselves with regards to the vision and standards they set for their own selves. 4. Incorporate gratitude as a daily practice Gratitude is a powerful emotion for creating abundance. In fact, there is ample scientific research that establishes the benefits of gratitude as a daily practice, like improved mental health, stronger relationships, and enhanced personal happiness. RELATED: Top 5 benefits of gratitude practice Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the easiest ways to integrate gratefulness as a daily ritual and harness the benefits of an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude meditation can also help you build a habitual focus on appreciation of good things in life. 5. Build win-win situations for all Those with scarcity mindset view life as a defined 'cake' and believe that if someone gets a big slice of the cake, the others are left with smaller portions. Abundance mentality views life as a sum of collaborative efforts instead of competitive endeavors. Creating win-win solutions through interaction and collaboration can lead to mutually favorable results – this way, there is plenty of cake for everybody. 6. Be willing to learn According to Covey, the desire for learning and growth towards mastery experiences forms the basis for abundance mindset. The key to abundance is to make learning a habit and to create mastery experiences in at least one area of your interest. “Abundance mindset is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. People with growth mindset believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment.” James Clear, the author of the best-selling book The Power of Habit explains how the principle of ‘marginal gains’ or tiny improvements on a daily basis can aggregate over time. This brings about a dramatic shift in how we achieve successful results. Indeed, by making 1 per cent improvements in small areas in your life consistently, you could witness exponential growth and create remarkable results for yourself as well as others around you. 7.Create daily affirmations that encourage abundance Scarcity mindset stems from fear; be it the fear of inadequate resources or insufficient skill to achieve one’s goals, etc. An experimental study by J. David Creswell et al pointed out the benefits of self-affirmation in the form of improved problem-solving abilities even in stressful situations. RELATED: How to find meaning in life - 7 strategies Using daily affirmations can help bring about a gradual yet steady shift in your mindset from scarcity to abundance. Start with jotting down your fears and worries. This will help you expand your awareness. Next, make a suitable action plan as a response to these concerns in a way that will enable you to overcome your fear of failure, so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life. 8. Surround yourself with others with abundance mindset “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” stated Jim Rohn, and with good reason. Accordingly, choose to invest your time and resources in building a community of people who elevate your outlook on life and bring out the best in you. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • This will also help you minimize the unproductive time spent with ‘negative nellies’ or unsupportive and unproductive people who add no value to your life and only create stressful situations instead. Surrounding yourself with positive-minded and empowering people will help you develop an abundance mindset. Takeaway: abundance mindset An abundance mindset can have a positive effect on our physical health, emotional well-being, happiness, relationships and even our financial decisions. Keeping that scarcity mindset at bay might seem difficult to begin with, but by following the eight tips above you´ll be able to see that abundance mindset develop and shine through. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Learning | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you're feeling unhappiness in your work life, there are six things you need to find. Dee Marques explores how you can achieve them, becoming happier in the workplace and your career, while encouraging your colleagues to do the same. Work: we all need it, but given the chance, how many of us would willingly do it if we didn’t? Our work is the place where we often spend one third of our day, so how we feel about it can have a serious impact on our overall psychological well-being. But, as we'll see, unhappiness at work is actually commonplace. So, how we can change that? Studies confirm that being unhappy at work over a period of time is linked to feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, stress and sleep problems, as well as higher chances of developing high blood pressure, heart disease, and digestive issues – so avoiding being miserable at work is a serious matter. However, sometimes we have to accept jobs we’d rather not be doing – the famous “but it pays the bills”. And, truth be told, few people would describe their work environment as being a truly happy place. Indeed, being dissatisfied and unhappy at work has become so common that finding joy in the workplace is almost seen as some sort of luxury. In fact, in the US, nearly half of the workforce claims to be unhappy at work, and the figure is almost identical in the UK, suggesting a happy workplace is uncommon. Unhappy at work? The 6 things you need to find What if achieving happiness at work was more than wishful thinking? If you find the going-back-to-work Monday Blues tends to extend over your entire working week, then read on for our six steps to achieving real happiness in your job. 1. Purpose Purpose is one of the most important factors when it comes to finding happiness at work. Indeed, purpose or meaning ranks high when it comes to achieving a joyful life in general, therefore it’s not surprising that the same applies to finding real happiness in your job, too. In fact, a feeling of purpose of life has been linked to higher motivation, commitment and productivity, all of which are positive emotional states that can contribute to happiness and, by extension, stop you being unhappy in your workplace. Purpose in careers, such as nursing, means happy work You can try to find purpose at work by thinking about what your job means when the greater good comes into the picture. If you're working in the 'helping' or 'saving' professions – a teacher, nurse, doctor, soldier, etc, then this shouldn't be difficult, but meaningful work isn't restricted to these types of professions. Sometimes it's not easy to discover the purpose in your work, but with just a bit of consideration, things become clear. Even work considered menial by others can have a greater purpose. For example, think about the people who built great European monuments, like cathedrals and bridges. Their work would have been physically demanding and they may not have loved it, but they built something that was enjoyed for many generations to come. If you're struggling to find meaning in your work, take some time to consider it more deeply. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility for your professional growth can also help you find meaning and purpose, so set your own goals and make sure they’re aligned with meaningful values. Indeed, if you can find an employer that shares your values, then you're on the way to becoming a happier employee. 2. Engagement Feeling that your work day is plagued by apathy, finding excuses to go on yet another coffee break, arriving late or leaving early, starting a task then jumping away to browse the web… do any of these things sound familiar? These are all signs of disengagement at work and should be addressed as they can lead to unhappiness, depression and even health-related issues. In fact, a 2015 Gallup survey shows that disengagement or feeling disconnected from work can lead to many health issues. For example, comparing engaged and disengaged employees in the United States, 56 per cent of the latter claimed to be stressed every day (compared with 36 per cent of those engaged), 23 per cent were more likely to be in pain (compared to 14 per cent), and 16 per cent more likely to be diagnosed with depression (compared to nine per cent). “A feeling of purpose has been linked to higher motivation, commitment, and productivity, all of which can stop you being unhappy in the workplace.” To stop this from taking away your chance of finding happiness in your career, try to find the source of disengagement. Maybe you feel that your skills are not used to the fullest, or you feel stuck in a rut. Set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager. When you do so, explain that you’d like to be challenged and do more for the company, as this is likely to be well received. 3. Kindness A kind workplace is a happy workplace, or has more chances of being so. Your relationship with coworkers is closely connected to overall job satisfaction, and if that relationship is strained or marked by hostility or competition, it can affect your emotions. This makes sense considering that you’re probably spending 40 hours a week – or more – in close contact. Staying engaged depends on your work satisfaction In fact, poor workplace relationships are one of the most common complaints and a leading cause of work-related stress and unhappiness on the job. It’s also worth mentioning that some studies have found that feeling lonely or isolated at work also has a negative impact on job performance. RELATED: Compassion at work Acts of kindness are an easy and quick way to build a positive work environment. Indeed, small gestures can go a long way. Going to the kitchen to make a drink? Make sure you ask your colleagues if they want anything too (and wipe clean the microwave while you're there, even if you didn't make the mess!). Heading on holiday? Bring a few treats back and leave them in the office kitchen or communal area. Small gestures of kindness create positivity and, in fact, boost productivity. “If you're unhappy at work, set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager.” Indeed, research from the Association of Professional Executives of the Public Service of Canada (APEX) showed that incivility has “profound implications on the level of energy, emotional engagement, and performance of work teams.” Its study found that teams in a respectful environment: Have 26 per cent more energy. Are 30 per cent more likely to feel motivated and enthusiastic about acquiring new skills and being exposed to new ideas. Express 36 per cent more satisfaction with their jobs and are 44 per cent more committed to their companies. 4. Flexibility The working world is becoming increasingly flexible with the growth of options like freelancing, working from home, job sharing, and the compressed working week. Of course, flexi-work comes with its pros and cons: key advantages include reduced commuting expenses and freedom to meet personal/family needs, while common downsides are learning to deal with distractions, isolation, and sticking to a schedule. However, importantly, flexibility at work can help achieve a good work-life balance and contribute to a happy workplace. Indeed, research studies have linked workplace flexibility to individual and team effectiveness, stress reduction, and greater commitment to the job. Balancing act: flexible working is on the up If you think more freedom and flexibility can help you can relieve your unhappiness at work, approach your employer to see how they feel about flexi-work, highlighting the benefits and your willingness to help create a happy workplace that is conducive to productivity. More and more employers are open to flexible working hours and realizing the potential it has for creating happy employees. Indeed, companies are now toying with the idea of introducing four-day working weeks, with some showing positive results in trials. There's emerging evidence that a compressed working week can boost both productivity and happiness in workers. For example, Pursuit Marketing in Glasgow, Scotland, switched 120 people to a four-day week in late 2016 and claims it has been key in a 30 per cent productivity rise. And in January 2019 the Wellcome Trust became the biggest UK employer to jump on the bandwagon when it announced it was considering switching 800 staff to a four-day working week. Let's hope this is one particular fad that catches on! 5. Appreciation Not feeling appreciated is one of the main reasons why people become unhappy and quit their jobs, as it can be both demoralising and frustrating. Not feeling appreciated at work can appear in many ways: your manager not paying attention to you, not being paid what you deserve, or not receiving credit for work (worse still: someone else taking credit for your ideas). Sometimes it can be the case that employers genuinely don't care about their employees, but it's better to first give the benefit of the doubt: often managers are so busy they haven't realised they've been neglecting you. If you're not feeling appreciated, you need to speak with them or human resources directly and ask for regular, six-month reviews to discuss how you're progressing in your role and the company. Kindness pays: be nice to colleagues and create a happy workplace Prepare well for your meeting and draw up a list of what you want to discuss and all your recent achievements (to jog your manager’s memory of your fantastic work), especially if you're going to ask for a pay rise. As well as discussing your strengths, do find out any areas where you can develop further. While you're waiting for your chance to shine, you can still show your appreciation for your coworkers, who may also be wondering how to be happy at work. This can help generate a more positive work atmosphere and create a happy workplace where people feel valued. The link between giving and happiness is well documented, since studies show that being generous increases personal happiness, and this includes giving intangible things like our time or appreciation for others. 6. Resilience Stress, uncertainty and unhappiness cannot be completely avoided in the workplace, so the best thing you can do is grow stronger to cope with professional setbacks. In other words, cultivate resilience. This doesn’t mean putting up with what you dislike, as this would only make you feel more disengaged, but rather to change your mindset. RELATED: Mindfulness at work Instead, focus on being adaptable and start practices like meditation and mindfulness, which can help you develop a more flexible frame of mind – the basis for resilience. In fact, any stress management technique can help build resilience, as you’ll be in control instead of letting workplace stressors take over your mood. You can also invest in activities that strengthen your inner self, whether than means going on a retreat, taking up yoga, or a creative hobby. Work and career unhappiness: final thoughts If you're struggling with feeling unhappy or miserable on the job, take your time to incorporate these six factors – which are some of the many building blocks of happiness – into your professional life. Take your time to work on purpose, engagement, kindness, flexibility, appreciation and resilience, and your efforts will pay off: finding happiness at work will also reflect in other aspects of your life. ● Main image: shutterstock/Pressmaster happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Stress management | Healthy habits | Burnout Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Authenticity can seem like a risky venture in the current screen-obsessed age, wherein we constantly strive to fit in and be accepted by others. Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s necessary to let go of the fear of being judged in order to cultivate an authentic life. Being authentic in this technology-dominated era can be challenging, especially when we’re constantly bombarded with messages of who we ‘ought to be’, what we ‘should’ desire and how we ‘must’ express ourselves. Consequently, many of us have at some point portrayed ourselves as who we think we are or want to be perceived as, rather than representing who we really are. The downside of portraying who we aren’t is that we’re telling ourselves that the real or true version of us isn’t worthy of being seen. This constant fear of being judged or rejected can chip away at our ability to be our most authentic self. Why is it difficult to overcome inauthenticity? As children, most of us were taught by parents, teachers and other shaping forces like society and religion to ‘fit in’ or conform to a prescribed set of rules and practices. As a result, we ingrain beliefs, thoughts and emotions and exhibit behaviors which allow us to ‘blend in’ and be accepted, be it to form connections, find love or pursue success. This need to fit in and do as we’re taught is stimulated by our “Adaptive Self”, which primarily plays the role of helping us function and coexist in the society in a purposeful way. However, in our constant struggle to carve our niche in the society as we balance our inner-selves and our outer aspects, sometimes we tend to suppress or hide our true selves. This can prevent us from activating our “Authentic Self” and living a meaningful life in tune with our values and purpose. What does being your authentic self involve? “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are,” states Brené Brown, research professor at University of Houston. Brown has spent decades studying shame, courage and vulnerability. Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen. Authenticity means embracing who you truly are Indeed, authenticity is a fundamental component of happiness. A study by Alex M Wood et al revealed that authenticity is an integral part of well-being. Being authentic can also improve self esteem as well as lower stress and anxiety. 8 ways to be your authentic self Discovering our authentic self is essential for happiness and forming meaningful connections. Reclaiming authenticity involves identifying our core values, letting go of borrowed notions of perfection, and changing our perspective to see vulnerability as an act of courage, instead of something to be avoided. Here are eight practical ways you can take steps to cultivate authenticity: 1. Identify your core values Creating a connection with our true nature is essential for building our authentic self. Start by identifying some values that are fundamental for you: which make you happy and which are the values you cannot absolutely compromise upon? Incorporating visualization meditation into your daily routine can help the process of value identification. For example, some of my core values for a happy and meaningful life are honesty and openness in relationships, kindness and empathy for myself and others, gratitude for the gifts I have in my life, along with constant learning for growth. Indeed, your core values arise from your own expectations, needs and experience, and need not be the same as anyone else’s. “Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen.” Once you list down your core values, break each one down into three actionable steps that will help you live these values better. Since I value honesty and openness in my relationships I try to practise mindfulness, deep listening and forgiveness, so that I can live in closer alignment with my core values. 2. Start making conscious decisions Sometimes, we wade through the day in auto mode without even contemplating if our thoughts and actions resonate with our authentic selves. Try observing yourself keenly to learn more about how you react to challenges, what motivates you, the nature of your social interactions, etc. Notice which behaviors and settings evoke responses from your Adaptive Self, and which of these responses feel authentic to you. Once you’ve spotted the discrepancies between your actions and values, you can utilize this self-awareness to devise conscious statements and actions that resonate with your authentic self. 3. Devise and uphold your boundaries “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect,” as Joan Didion, the renowned American writer famously quoted. Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable. Indeed, being your authentic self is not always easy, and living by your principles may require a few difficult conversations, a potential job switch, or even ending a friendship if necessary. RELATED: Uncomfortable truths – how to say 'no' However, by being honest about our boundaries, we’re indicating to our subconscious that it’s OK to not be perfect all the time, thus developing self-validation. Authenticity allows us to share our vulnerability with appropriate boundaries in place, ie, with people who have the same values as you, and those who you feel comfortable with. 4. Instill mindfulness Mindfulness can help you find happiness and contentment in the small joys that each day brings, thus boosting your mood and overall happiness levels. Additionally, being mindful allows you to observe and understand how you feel and react towards various stimuli in your environment. Keeping physical reminders of mindfulness quotes and practising mindful listening are some effective ways to improve self-awareness and slowly cultivate your authentic self. 5. Exercise compassion towards yourself and others Practising self-compassion allows us to be supportive, kind and accepting towards ourselves, in addition to boosting authenticity in relationships. That’s according to researcher Kristin Neff, who was the first to measure the construct for self-compassion. Practising loving-kindness meditation can prove to be an effective tool for reinforcing feelings of connection and kindness with oneself and others, thus aiding the development of one’s authentic self. Practising compassion unlocks authenticity shutterstock/imtmphoto 6. Embrace vulnerability We often shirk away from being authentic due to the fear of being potentially judged or getting distanced from people around us. Start by asking yourself what you are afraid may happen if you put yourself out there in a scenario that makes you feel vulnerable. Next, proceed to imagine what would happen if you avoided expressing your feelings or needs or asking for that raise that you think you undoubtedly deserve. Could the inability to share or express yourself potentially result in depression or self-sabotage? Thereupon, remind yourself why it’s important for you to live your authentic self by overcoming the vulnerability hangover. Further, you can formulate a rational approach or well-devised plan for expressing your feelings and needs, in a way that is in sync with your authentic self. 7. Practise letting go In her bestseller book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr Brown reveals that letting go plays an essential role in cultivating your authentic self. While Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability largely reveal that most people allow their inhibitions to take over due to the fear of being emotionally exposed, she came across a group of outliers who reacted differently to such potentially uncertain situations. Dr Brown calls these outliers ‘the wholehearted’, and she named this way of living the ‘wholehearted living’. “Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable.” According to her research, wholehearted living comprises of embracing imperfections and living life to one’s fullest potential, without letting the fear of other people’s opinions affect their beliefs and actions. Being your authentic self requires you to accept that what others think of you is none of your business, and cultivate the courage to let go of thought-patterns and limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. 8. Set goals for constant learning Developing a growth mindset and being open to self-improvement through ongoing learning can help you attain your authentic self at a sustained pace. Your goals need not just be related to the pursuit of wealth and success – in fact, research points out that non-materialistic life goals lead to happiness as surely – if not more consistently – than materialistic goals. An objective as simple as integrating awe into your daily life can inspire you to learn new things about yourself and life around you. Round-up: cultivating authentic self While we are conditioned from an early age to suppress or hide our authentic self, authenticity is essential for building a life that brings us meaning and joy. Examining our true self to develop authenticity can be a long and cumbersome process, but the rewards in terms of greater life satisfaction and improved relationships make it worth the effort. Main image: shutterstock/ESB Basic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

When a relationship ends, our world often falls apart. From fighting isolation to rediscovering your inner 'self', here are ten ideas from Dee Marques on how to get over a break-up, so you can recover and move on with grace. Relationships bring us joy and fulfillment, but their end can also be pretty traumatic. I still remember the day I realized there was nothing more that could be done to patch up a relationship I was heavily invested in: it was the end of the road and it literally felt like it; as if there was nowhere else to go. Break-ups are tough, partly because they bring strong feelings of loneliness and powerlessness, especially when it’s the other half that breaks it off, or when friends and relatives are involved. Another reason why we don’t know how to get over a break-up is because relationships have us playing multiple roles, from best friends to lovers or housemates. Suddenly, one or more of those roles are gone and so we end up feeling lost and lonely. So, what are the main causes for romantic splits? A study from 1986 found that relationships end for eight main reasons, ranging from lack of romance and support to infidelity, not having common interests, or wanting more autonomy. Irrespective of what causes a break-up, the pain is real. In fact, a 2018 YouGov survey from the UK found that barely 25 per cent of all breakups are civil, and the rest usually bring strong negative emotions and feelings that we’re unable to cope. Avoid isolation if your heart is broken shutterstock/NeagoneFo So, what to do when a relationship ends? If you’re feeling lonely after a break up, sticking to productive activities can help you handle the heartbreak and fight loneliness. Here are ten suggestions for things that can help you recover and more on with grace after a relationship ends. How to get over a break-up: 10 top tips for coping Not knowing how to get over a break-up is normal, but it’s important to avoid dwelling on feelings of loneliness and rejection for the sake of your physical and emotional health. 
1. Give yourself time Earlier I wrote that break-ups are tough because they involve a loss of roles, and with loss can come feelings of grief. If that happens, allow yourself to go through grief without rushing through the stages or giving yourself deadlines: all humans grieve differently. RELATED: The 8 types of grief explained 2. Out of sight, out of mind We may not know how to get over a break-up, but instinctively we know what not to do: checking your ex’s social media profile, texting them, or calling them may be tempting, but it’s also counter-productive. For now, be brave and cut ties with them so you can focus on yourself and healing. 3. What can be learned? Break-ups are marked by inner conflict. We don’t want to think about things that hurt, but we can’t take our minds off them either. Reflecting on the relationship is OK, and can even be helpful if we do it with a purpose. This reflecting can be made easier when shared: studies show that sharing your thoughts with a friend can bring a sense of relief. That's because verbalising our experiences help us make sense of them. “Break-ups are tough, partly because they bring strong feelings of loneliness and powerlessness, especially when it’s the other half that breaks it off.” 4. Don’t over-analyze Indeed, while it's not wise to bottle up your feelings, don’t overthink or over-analyze what went wrong either. And yes, finding this kind of balance is one of the hardest things to do after a split. A good place to start is fighting off any of those nagging thoughts that begin with “what if?” or “I should have”. That will only deepen the sense of powerlessness of feeling lonely after a break up. 5. Create the soundtrack of your life It’s a stereotype, but who hasn’t given into self-pity after a relationship ended by listening to sad songs about messy break-ups? However, don’t beat yourself up about this: a study found that listening to sad music during hard times can actually stabilize our mood and offer emotional support, or make us think that “someone else gets it”. When I went through a harrowing break-up, I had what I called “my playlist of misery”, and I decided I’d keep listening to it until it stopped hurting. And one day, it did! A break-up soundtrack can help you heal shutterstock/Sketchphoto 6. Don’t fall into isolation When wondering what to do after a break-up, the easiest answer is often to curl up under the blankets and cry. But again, we must be careful with our decisions and avoid those that involve wallowing, or those that may deepen the sense of feeling lonely. Instead, keep yourself busy and distracted, whether it's with old or new friends, doing things you’ve always loved, or picking up new hobbies. RELATED: How to make new friends as an adult 7. Rediscover yourself On that note, is there anything you stopped doing or did less frequently when you were in a relationship? If so, now is the time to revisit it. This is important because it will help you rediscover your personal interests and that, in turn, can help you rediscover your 'self'. “So, how to get over a break-up when a relationship ends? If you’re feeling lonely, sticking to productive activities can help you handle the heartbreak and fight loneliness.” In fact, a study from 2011 suggested that break-ups hurt because we lose part of our identity in them, and that re-organising our sense of self is crucial to recovery. Other research has found that when participants invested in regaining their sense of self, they were able to cope better with negative feelings. 8. Get active, stay active Exercise releases endorphins, hormones that fight stress and depressive symptoms. When you’re feeling down after a relationship break-up, it will take an extra dose of willpower to go for a workout, but one thing's for sure: you’ll feel better afterwards, every time. RELATED: Happiness hormones – the neurochemicals of happiness 9. Don’t rush into dating To avoid feeling lonely after a break-up, some people fall into the trap of getting back into the dating game too soon in an attempt to forget the past lover. As I said before, it’s common to go through a period of mourning, so take your time before starting to date again. Make sure you only get romantically involved with someone after you’ve healed and processed the loss. 10. Learning to forgive When a relationship ends, we’ll go through anger, sadness, frustration, and a mountain of negative feelings that make it unthinkable to consider forgiveness. But don’t rule it out when thinking about recovering after a break-up. The willingness to forgive will not come immediately, and perhaps it will be a long time before you can even consider it, so don’t feel bad if you can’t bear doing it right after the breakup. As Noble Peace Prize winner Desmond Tutu once said, “forgiveness says you’re given another chance to make a new beginning”. How to get over a break-up: the takeaway We’re not born knowing how to get over a break-up, and each relationship ending comes with unique challenges. Feeling lonely after a relationship ends is normal, but don’t get stuck on that feeling. Loneliness can be managed, even if it takes going against what you feel or don’t feel like doing. Focus on regaining a sense of self, and if you ever struggle, remember that the solitude you experience now can put you on a path to self-discovery and healing. ● Main image: shutterstock/RawPixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Acceptance | Healthy habits | Managing divorce | Dating Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Imagine a world with fairly distributed wealth and a happy, enriched workforce. These are two of the aims of Buddhist economics. Ed Gould delves into the background of this economic model and asks whether it can ever become a reality. Economic life may be something that seems out of our control. Indeed, the forces of macroeconomics can appear akin to a tsunami that individuals can do little about. And yet, even an enormous wave is made up of single drops of water. Individuals can decide how they spend, save and deal with the world from a financial point of view. Essentially, Buddhist economics looks at finances from a spiritual and ethical angle. Economics is studied from the standpoint of human psychology and how natural emotive reactions can direct a range of economic activities. So, what exactly is Buddhist economics? One Sri Lankan economist has described a Buddhist economic system as something that “has its foundations in the development of a co-operative and harmonious effort”. Writing in 1976, Neville Karunatilake said that the ideal place to operate in this way was within a “group living” setting. Perhaps building on the ashram idea of communal living espoused by Gandhi, Tolstoy and others, this approach would lead to a diminished level of “selfishness and acquisitive pursuits” which might have been seen in the days the Buddhist king Ashoka's rule. Referring back to a pre-industrial time, many classically trained economists might easily miss the point of what Buddhist economics can mean for the 21st-century world. However, as we shall see, Buddhist ideas about economics have developed throughout the world over the last few decades. This is partly because people are increasingly aware of the fragility of the global financial system and because of the destructive nature of many industrial processes which harm the planet. In an attempt to address these issues, some economists have tried to look at the principles behind Buddhist ethical teachings and apply them to areas like work, productivity, commerce and even concepts such as ownership. After all, it was the ethical nature of Buddhism that led Ashoka to invest in public works programmes such as those which built hospitals, hostels and parks. “Buddhist ideas about economics have developed over the last few decades partly because people are increasingly aware of the destructive nature of many industrial processes which harm the planet.” Building interest in the ethical dimension of Buddhist economics, the first international conference of its type was held in the city of Budapest in 2007. Further such conventions, which look into all aspects of Buddhist economic thought, from increasing happiness to facing up to the economic challenges of Western economies, have since taken place. How did Buddhist economics get to this level of acceptance among modern academics? Not child's play: Buddhist economics isn't easy to implement The development of Buddhist economics According to the Buddhist writer, P A Payutto, the traditional study of economics has avoided vital questions about human morality and ethical considerations. However, as ecological concerns have become more critical in the eyes of many people around the globe, so ever-increasing growth – something that most capitalist economies rely upon – has become seen as negative. Therefore, alternatives economic views have become increasingly mainstream. Both right and left wing economic views have, according to the zero-growth economic models espoused by certain green politicians, got little to offer regarding preserving the world's resources. Buddhist economics fits into that tradition and has been gaining more significant attention since Payutto started publishing in the 1990s. RELATED: Spending money – can you buy yourself happiness? The idea of Buddhist economics was first espoused in the 20th century by E F Schumacher, a German statistician, who came up with his ideas while travelling through southeast Asia. Schumacher ended up being an economic advisor to Prime Minister U Nu of what was then Burma. His idea was to reject the economic theories of both Karl Marx and Adam Smith, both of whom focussed on units of labour as being the primary economic drivers in any economic model. Instead, Schumacher espoused a view of economics from a Buddhist point of view. Essentially, Schumacher opted to redefine work from something that could be sold, for example to employers, or exploited, through slavery or unpaid labour, as well as choosing to view it as something that did not necessarily need to be conducted most efficiently. In other words, his view of work was one that was there to enrich the basic happiness of the person doing it from a spiritual standpoint, not from an economic one. When work works: we should be enriched by our labour efforts Let's look at what Schumacher means by taking an example. In a factory, the most efficient way of making an item for sale into the wider economy might be to divide the labour up so that each worker does a repetitive task over and over. This simplifies their job function, makes the production method more predictable and lowers costs, especially if production is speeded up significantly. The outcome might be that the factory owner makes more money with such a system. Henry Ford, the American car maker, is often cited as a pioneer of these sorts of workplace practices which were developed for economic reasons. Schumacher turns that idea on its head. He put forward the idea that work should not be measured by economic output. “In other words, Schaumacher's view of work was one that was there to enrich the basic happiness of the person doing it from a spiritual standpoint, not from an economic one.” Indeed, according to his Buddhist principle, work is there to offer a worker the chance to utilise and develop all of his faculties, not just one or two key skills. Also, this will enable a worker to overcome egocentric ideas, mainly when work is conducted with other people in a common task, for example, building a house together. Crucially, Schumacher stated that work should “bring forth the goods and services needed for a becoming existence”. In other words, work ought to create enough economic output to sustain life but no more. Working just to accumulate more and more wealth is pointless from a spiritual perspective. Being rich is, in other words, counterproductive. Economic problems and Buddhist solutions Since the global financial crisis, many people have woken up to the idea that the economic system that has sustained the West, in particular, may not be the be-all-and-end-all. If the system could crash and the money supply seize up once, then could it do so again? In addition, the rise of China as a global economic force – a country that does not run on liberal economic models – has caused some people to think that the way things have been done does not mean that is the way they must continue. The world becomes more global in its inter-connectedness, so goods move more rapidly and resources are used up. Some see the emergence of nationalism in recent years as a direct result of global economic trends over which local communities have little control. Global economic challenges like these can be met by Buddhist teachings. Not only do they convey the idea that man is interdependent on his fellow man, but that overproduction for the sake of economic growth is undesirable. “Since the global financial crisis, many people have woken up to the idea that the economic system that has sustained the West, in particular, may not be the be-all-and-end-all.” According to Clair Brown, an economics professor at UC Berkeley and the director of the Center for Work, Technology and Society, students she teaches are focussed on the tremendous economic inequalities that globalization has produced. In a world where the richest one per cent of the population own half of all the wealth, it's clear that inequality – and abject poverty – is rife. Rise above? Buddhist economics could challenge poverty Brown teaches that happiness, founded on less inequality, and the simple act of helping each other with compassion is the answer to these undeniable economic challenges. She puts forward the idea that economists must let go of the principle that people are fundamentally selfish and that they will always choose the best economic outcome for themselves. By studying cities in the so-called Rust Belt of America, she points out that economists must work in a way that is “compatible with what neuroscientists are finding out about people’s well-being and the way minds work.” How can mankind and our planet benefit? The economic challenges of poverty, inequality, globalization and ecology can all be met by adopting a Buddhist approach to economics, so its proponents claim. On ecology, for example, Professor Brown cites the withdrawal by the US from the Paris Accords as something that does not ascribe to Buddhist teachings of being mindful of others. RELATED: Six science-backed benefits of living a simple life Man can benefit from adopting Buddhist economics because of self-interest, so inherent in Western economic models, is illusory. Instead of bartering for the best deal, the approach should be to adopt an economic model of mutual reciprocity. Why? Because we feel negative about ourselves and others in the former model and a higher degree of happiness and inner peace with the latter. Imagine what could be achieved by humans if everyone just got on better with one another because they felt less pressured to make a few pounds? From a global point of view, this would bring about a deceleration in the exploitation of the Earth's valuable resources, helping to make economic life sustainable not just for today but for future generations. ● Main image: Colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Work life balance | Biology | Community living Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.