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Could you be stuck in the happiness trap? Trying to pursue joy at all times? If so, it's time to stop. From practising gratitude to reaffirming your values, these five science-backed tips from Ed Gould will help you to become satisfied with how your life already is. Accepting that you feel happy enough, as opposed to constantly pursuing an idea of what happiness might be, is the route many now choose to discover greater well-being. Indeed, this is the key idea behind escaping the so-called 'happiness trap'. Remember that old REM hit, Shiny Happy People? In it, the lyrics encouraged you to put “it in your heart” where “tomorrow” and “gold and silver shine”. OK, let's not set too much store by a pop song, but it illustrates something important about modern culture: happiness seems to be shiny, attractive and – like gold and silver – material. Now, a jangly pop anthem may not be the best route to understanding what happiness is, but it does suggest the way many people still think about it. However, the pursuit of happiness can often lead us in the wrong direction. This is what today's psychologists refer to as the happiness trap. Let's have a look at what it is exactly, how you can identify the extent to which you might have fallen into it and – perhaps most importantly of all – the five main ways you can escape the happiness trap. The misguided pursuit of happiness According to Greek philosopher Aristotle, happiness involves activity and exhibiting virtue, but the word he chose to describe it was 'eudaimonia'. Often translated as 'happiness', this term is probably better described as 'human flourishing'. We seem quite removed from that sentiment when you consider how contemporary mass culture depicts happiness. Think of all the happy messages the mainstream media bombards us with to begin with. Indeed, ask yourself how many times a day that you might hear that you can be happy – will be happy, even – if only you choose these clothes, that form of transportation or those beauty products. Don't shop 'til your drop: escape the consumerism happiness trap There again, the pursuit of happiness might be marketed as being concurrent with the pursuit of other goals. For example, you may have heard you'll be happy if you pursue your youth – with an anti-wrinkle cream, of course. Or that you'll be happy if you pursue greater wealth by choosing one investment product over another. However, eudaimonia has little to do with any of that. Over the ages, spiritual leaders such as the Dalai Lama have taught us to abandon the relationship between happiness and material wealth. Bear in mind that it's not so much that increased material wealth won't bring you some sort of happiness or temporary life improvement, rather than the detriment it can cause to your perception of happiness. “Escape the happiness trap by setting aside time to recall moments of gratitude. Keep an eye on what really contributes to your happiness.” And although the current generation of Westerners are, by and large, richer than ever before, the variation of how people perceive their level of happiness is still high, to say the least. The happiness trap: what is it exactly? Feeling unhappy or sad is perfectly natural and we all go through ups and downs with our mental health from time to time. However, a general malaise in your sense of happiness may reveal that you are, indeed, stuck in the happiness trap. Furthermore, if you think your personal happiness ties in with the images you might see on TV or in lifestyle magazines, then that's another sure sign. Equally, if you're constantly comparing the level of happiness you feel with that which you perceive in your friends, family, neighbours and colleagues – known as 'keeping up with the Joneses' – then this may also indicate your entrapment of a false perception of happiness. Escaping the happiness trap: 5 strategies Identifying and accepting the state of being happy enough is the key to escaping the happiness trap. If you feel happy enough, then you won't feel the need to carry on pursuing the false idols of materialism. However, deciding to feel happy enough may be easier said than done given our materialistic culture. Indeed, a 2003 psychological study by Schooler, Airey and Loewenstein suggested that pursuing happiness as a goal was doomed to failure anyway. RELATED: Money can't buy happiness (except when you spend it like this) Thankfully, Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky and others offer some useful cognitive and behavioural tips that offer you the best chance of avoiding that empty sensation of not feeling happy enough. So, here are five key techniques you can employ to help you escape the happiness trap. 1. Positive mentality strategies Writing can have a beneficial effect on the way we think about a range of circumstances, including the way we feel about happiness. However, it's not the only positive mental strategy that you can use in a self-regulatory manner. Positive thinking about oneself can come in other reflective forms. Take a look back through old photos of heart-warming and cheerful life events. Or you might prefer to talk about your happiest and unhappiest moments in life with a loved one. RELATED: Future self journaling Another possibility is to have a discussion about your life goals for the future with your partner or a trusted friend. By focusing positivity in this way, you naturally engage less with shorter term aspirations and material objectives. Escape the happiness trap with family time shutterstock/Monkey Business Images 2. Set aside time for gratitude With so much that contributes to modern life pointing you towards the happiness trap, it's a good (and simple) idea to set aside time to recall moments of gratitude. By doing this regularly, you're much better positioned to see past the short-term nature of such messages and to keep an eye on what really contributes to your happiness. For instance, keep a gratitude journal where you count your blessings, such as the love of people close to you or your general health. In addition, writing letters of gratitude can help to reorientate your perspective on what really counts. There's something about the mental activity that goes on during the act of writing that helps to rebalance our cognitive processes and application of this can shape your feelings surrounding happiness. RELATED: The attitude of gratitude – 6 reasons how it will change your life 3. Be altruistic Studies have shown that practising altruism can help you to feel more satisfied and enable you to find happiness. Helping you to understand what is good about your life, altruistic acts are also of benefit to their recipient. Simply making the decision to be kinder and more understanding in your everyday interactions is a good first step. Once you start practising altruism regularly, you'll soon start feeling the power of kindness. “The pursuit of happiness can lead us in the wrong direction. This is what today's psychologists refer to as the happiness trap.” You might consider doing something practical, too, such as donating your blood. Or, by routinely committing to random acts of kindness or trying to make a loved one happy, you'll end up feeling more empowered about how happy you feel and less reliant on what other people think about you. The happiness trap: evolution of the human mind © YouTube/Dr. Russ Harris 4. Reaffirmation of your values Refocussing on your most important values is another key step in accepting the level of happiness you feel. Think of it like restating your marriage vows – if you ever made them, that is – as a means of getting back to basics. By reaffirming the true person that you are, it becomes possible to shake off sometimes years of misguided happiness that has become more and more reliant on a false idea of perfection: one that's modelled on an 'ideal' life as depicted in modern culture so much. Take a step back to focus on what makes you tick and reaffirm your commitment to it. 5. Savour every moment of life By taking the time to savour positive experiences in life, rather than rushing on hedonistically to the next chance of happiness, you're more likely to enjoy the moment. Think of a greedy diner who, enjoying their food, gulps it all down rapidly only to feel disappointed quickly afterwards, compared with someone who savours every mouthful. Both will consume the same amount of food but gain very different experiences from their meal. So, take your time and slow down. See the whole picture. Be mindful about everything. Focus on the positivity of any given situation in order to feel happier in yourself. The happiness trap: conclusions Modern life and the pursuit of joy makes it easy for humans to get stuck in the happiness trap. And, in this era of social media, it's harder to escape comparing your life, experiences and possessions with that of your friends or complete strangers. But, by following our tips based around CBT, you can start to reframe your thoughts and activities to become more satisfied with what you have in life, and – more importantly – who you are. ● Main image: shutterstock/Rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Acceptance | Learning | Self-care Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

Communication is essential when asking a partner to consider an open relationship says Dee Marques. Preparing for any discussions and clarifying why you want to change the relationship dynamic are just two of the eight steps you need to take before initiating a conversation. Up until relatively recently, there have been established rules about what relationships should look like and these were rarely challenged. But, over time, there has been a change in perception, as it becomes obvious that there’s no one single best way of being in a relationship, since this it is a very personal aspect of our lives. The figures speak in favour of this change in attitudes and perceptions. For example, four per cent of adults in the US and Canada admit to being in open relationships, and this arrangement is especially popular among Millennials and Gen Z. A UK survey shows a similar percentage of people who have been in an open relationship, plus a further 12 per cent who said they would be willing to give it a go. Of course, since this is a consensual decision, it needs to be discussed with your partner – unless an open relationship has been on the cards from the start. Asking for an open relationship may feel intimidating, so here’s a guide for people looking to talk to their partner about considering having one. What is an open relationship? There’s no standard definition of an open relationship, although for most people it means being in a non-exclusive relationship or practising consensual non-monogamy. What varies is the type of involvement the partners have with others outside of the primary relationship. This could be an intellectual, emotional or sexual attachment to someone other than your partner – and it could be sporadic or more or less ongoing. Are these relationships healthy? It depends on how well they meet the needs of everyone involved. As a psychology researcher said, it’s common to see open relationships in black and white and to assume they will either automatically ruin what you have with your partner, or they will fix all of your problems. Communication is key in open relationships But this view is too extreme. In some cases, an open relationship will improve satisfaction levels for both partners, as shown by a survey of 1,000 people who were in non-monogamous relationships. In other cases, open relationships just don’t work, for various reasons. Sometimes, this is due to misunderstandings that could have been avoided if the boundaries were discussed fully. So, if exploring non-monogamy is important to you, you’ll want to know the steps to follow and things to consider when asking for an open relationship. Asking for an open relationship: 8 steps Here are eight things to consider before asking to open up any relationship: 1. Know what to expect The first thing you need to know when talking about an open relationship is that it may take time to come to an agreement. Since this is an important decision, your partner may want to consider all aspects involved or have some time alone to think about it. So, don’t expect it to be something that gets settled after the first conversation. In most cases, couples need time and multiple chats before deciding to go for an open relationship. 2. Examine your own needs Before asking for an open relationship, it’s worth thinking about what your own motives truly are. Why exactly do you want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship? What do you think it will contribute to your existing relationship? Why is this important to you? Knowing your deep motivations is important, since asking for an open relationship is not easy and you want to be as articulate as possible. Indeed, you want to be crystal clear in your mind about what exactly you want and why, so you can express it to your partner in the best possible way. 3. How strong is your relationship? Despite what many people think, open relationships are not a magical fix – and they’re not a “soft” break up either. In fact, if you and your partner are going through a rough patch, talking about an open relationship can make things worse. This is why it’s important to have the right motives (other than resentment or boredom) and to only ask for an open relationship if you’re confident that your bond is strong. 4. Start with a general discussion Remember how I said it may take several conversations until your partner and you come to an agreement? Well, it can also take a few conversations until you feel it’s the right time to be asking for an open relationship. “Before asking for an open relationship, it’s worth thinking about what your motives truly are. Why exactly do you want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship? What do you think it will contribute to your existing relationship?” To start off, you may want to gauge how your partner feels about non-monogamous relationships in general, before asking if they’re willing to be part of one. Keep the questions general and exploratory, along the lines of “What do you think about…?” so that the conversation doesn’t feel threatening. This gives you a better idea if they are receptive to the idea of an open relationship. 5. Highlight the positive Asking for an open relationship could be interpreted as you suggesting that something is missing between you and your partner. This may be the case, but you want to avoid upsetting your partner and the best way is to also highlight all the positives in your relationship. In the initial conversation, be specific about what you appreciate most about your partner, how much you value your relationship, and why this matters. Do your honest best to reassure and be appreciative of them, so the conversation always stays respectful. 6. Prepare what you’re going to say Some people will feel insecure when asked about an open relationship, and others may be willing to explore it, but only under certain conditions. Think about what your partner said about consensual non-monogamy when you had a general chat about it to determine where are the main barriers. Based on that, you can think about how to start the conversation in a way that addresses those barriers and reassures your partner of your feelings for them. It may help to write it down, then put it aside for a day or so and look at it with fresh eyes to see if this is the right approach. Prepare first before discussing an open relationship shutterstock/GaudiLab One word of caution: beware of the language you use when asking for an open relationship. Words like “polyamory” or “consensual non-monogamy” can mean different things to different people. In conversations like this, you want fluid communication that doesn’t lead to misunderstandings, so it’s best if you explain what you want and why, rather than give it a label that can be misinterpreted. 7. Don’t make accusations Chances are your partner will want to know your rationale for wanting to be in an open relationship. This is why point #2 is useful, since knowing your deep motivations helps formulate your needs without making them sound as an accusation. Stay away from “you” sentences and keep it to “I” or “us”. For example, instead of saying “sometimes you’re a bit possessive”, say “I’d like to have more freedom in this relationship”. 8. Agree on the do’s and don’ts Making important changes to a relationship isn’t easy, so it’s best to have an honest conversation and anticipate how you will deal with any problems that may come up. What will be the do’s and don’ts of your open relationship? Does your partner agree? What will you do if you upset them, or if they upset you? In other words, how will you handle the learning curve? What to do if you disagree But what if you start talking about an open relationship and your partner says they’re not ready? First of all, you’ll want to make a difference between a definite “no” and “I’m not ready” or “I don’t think it’s a good idea”. If your partner is not against open relationships but doesn’t want to be in one right now, you can suggest that they start seeing other people when they feel ready. Sometimes, this can alleviate fears and make them feel more in control of the relationship, instead of feeling forced into an arrangement they’re not 100 per cent convinced about. “Asking for an open relationship could be interpreted as you suggesting that something is missing between you and your partner. You want to avoid upsetting them – the best way is to also highlight all the positives in your relationship.” The key is trying to reach a compromise where the needs of both parties are honoured. Open relationships can take many forms, so it’s worth discussing all of them to see if any suits your current relationship. Unfortunately, in some cases asking for an open relationship will lead to the realisation that your partner and you are incompatible in this respect. If they’re totally against it and this is something you truly need, you’ll have to have a frank conversation about the future of the relationship. The takeaway Talking about an open relationship with your partner can be intimidating, so it’s important to plan this conversation in advance. Before you talk to your partner, make sure you’re clear about your motives and needs. Always be appreciative of your relationship and the person you’re with, and give them time to make their decision. And if the outcome isn’t what you expected, remember that respect and honesty are always the best policy. • Main image: shutterstock/Monkey Business Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Deep listening | Courage | Empathy | Rejection Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Does the freedom to disregard the conventional relationship norms and craft relationships on one’s own terms result in increased happiness? Sonia Vadlamani explains what relationship anarchy entails, and how its tenets may help people be happier in their relationships. It is safe to say that most of us have heard of polyamory, and some of us even have at least one friend or acquaintance who is in an ‘open relationship’. Indeed, we’re witnessing the rise of ethical non-monogamy, as multi-partner relationships are finding their way into the mainstream in the form of polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, etc. Despite these changes, a monogamous relationship is still the most common relationship model, in addition to being the one with highest societal recognition as well. However, today we find more and more people abandoning the conventional relationship structure of monogamy to embrace more open relationship models. A 2017 survey conducted on a representative sample of 2003 Canadian adults revealed that one in five adults had engaged in an open relationship at some point. And a 2020 poll found that around one third of Americans consider their ideal relationship to be non-monogamous to some degree. The traditional relationship hierarchy prioritizes family the most, which includes the family of origin (i.e., parents, siblings etc.) and forming family systems with spouse or romantic partner and children. While some of the forms of ethical non-monogamy or ENM still involve certain structures or prioritized partners, relationship anarchy (RA) disregards the conventional hierarchies altogether, thus relinquishing any imposed expectations. RELATED: Why is family important? Amy Gahran, writer and author of Off the Relationship Escalator, describes the societal pressure to adhere to monogamous relationships as a relationship escalator. “My approach to life and love is to have as many strong, healthy connections and interconnections as I can feasibly support,” says Gahran, who portrays parting from the monogamous relationship model as ‘stepping off the relationship escalator’ in order to be able to derive more from one’s relationships. Relationship anarchists believe that love is abundant shutterstock.com/dekazigzag Whether you’re happy in your relationships without hierarchy or are happily monogamous yet enjoy and value intimate friendships in consensus with your partner, aspects of relationship anarchy can potentially transform your relationships for the better. So, what is relationship anarchy exactly? Coined by Swedish feminist Andie Nordgren in 2016, relationship anarchy (RA) assigns no specific importance to one relationship over another, and thus shuns hierarchies created by societal conventions. Relationship anarchists refrain from assigning different values to their relationships as per the prescribed norms. For example, a sexual relationship does not hold necessarily priority over an intimate friendship for those practising relationship anarchy. Instead of attempting to rank and prioritize the people and relationships in one’s life, Nordgren recommends that you “cherish the individual and your connection to them.” Indeed, research reveals that high quality relationships as the key to a good life, and RA can prove to be the chosen medium for forming fulfilling relationships for some. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life,” reasons Dedekar Winston, a relationship coach who also co-hosts the podcast Multiamory. “Relationship anarchy assigns no specific importance to one relationship over another, and thus shuns hierarchies created by societal conventions.” Relationship anarchy is still in its early emergence phase, and overall, there are several loopholes and misconceptions associated with the ENM relationship models. Nevertheless, even as someone happily in a monogamous relationship, I do find we could all learn a great deal from the tenets of RA, so we could devise fulfilling and successful relationships for ourselves. The RA manifesto Nordgren put forth an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in 2006, to serve as a guide for those who already are in relationship structure like RA or aspire to be relationship anarchists: 1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique RA challenges the belief that love is a limited resource, and valid only when shared between a couple. We are capable of loving different people, and the love shared in one relationship does not automatically challenge or weaken the love we feel in another relationship that we cherish. Relationship anarchy emphasizes on the love and connection experienced between the two (or more) parties in each unique relationship, instead of comparing or ranking different relationships. 2. Love and respect instead of entitlement Relationship anarchy grants autonomy to every individual in a relationship, where boundaries, personal beliefs and values are meant to be respected. Instead of viewing relationships as grounds to control or command others, RA deems mutual respect and healthy boundaries as the foundation for a happy relationship. 3. Find your core set of relationship values Since RA is based on mutual trust and respect for boundaries, it is essential to define your core values to be able to clearly formulate your needs and expectations in all your relationships. Self-reflection can help you determine your boundaries, motivation and fears. Focusing on these core relationship values with assertiveness will can help you cultivate fulfilling relationships. 4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you While relationship anarchy does question the normative relationship structures, it is important to remember than heterosexism is still largely prevalent, and continues to dictate what is a moral, correct and acceptable form of love. It is our duty to question and break these conventional gender-based molds and set our own expectations and boundaries for all our relationships. 5. Build for the lovely and unexpected RA emphasizes on the freedom to be spontaneous and express one’s wishes and desires without judgment or the fear of punishment based on ‘should’s and ‘ought-to’s. Indeed, staying curious in life, and introducing some play can improve the quality of relationships and make people happier. 6. Fake it til’ you make it Challenging the conventional relationship structures like monogamy and other heterosexist norms could seem like an uphill task sometimes. Instead of reproaching themselves for choosing relationship anarchy during such adverse times, one needs to push through and stick to the guidelines they defined for their relationships. Seeking support from others who are in norm-challenging relationships can help reinforce your resolve and adapt better. 7. Trust is better It is normal for trust issues to crop up sometimes in relationships, but we can avoid taking a skeptical approach and try dealing with the same through positive communication and persistence. Choose to trust that your partner wants the best outcomes for you in the same way that you wish for them. Cultivate a supportive environment where it is possible to overcome fear of abandonment and other validation-seeking behaviors, with an aim to develop a more secure attachment style. Cultivating trust is essential in relationship anarchy 8. Change through communication It is ideal to find realistic and healthy ways to answer issues which may sometimes occur in your relationship, like jealousy or emotional dependency. Communication could be the key, and thus an objective and non-judgmental discussion about the underlying issues or feelings can go a long way to strengthen the relationship. 9. Customize your commitments As Nordgren puts it, RA “is not about never committing to anything – it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you”. Whether you wish to raise children, grow old together or enter into a marriage, relationship anarchy offers freedom to define your core values, needs and expectations and match the same with your partner so that you can construct and lead a content and meaningful life together. Is RA the same as polyamory? Also a form of ENM, polyamory refers to relationships wherein people consent to have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a given time. Informed consent is differentiating factor here, as its absence would deem it ‘cheating’ or unethical non-monogamy. However, polyamory is not synonymous with relationship anarchy. While people in polyamorous relationships do prioritize some relationships over another, RA aims to entirely dismiss pre-defined boundaries and hierarchies, while offering full freedom to the partners in the relationships to customize and communicate their own boundaries and prioritize all relationships alike. “Relationship anarchists refrain from assigning different values to their relationships as per the prescribed norms.” Interestingly, monogamous couple can decide to be relationship anarchists as well, by deciding to not abandon their friendships and other platonic associations that they value. As Winston puts it, one can be “sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist”. Of course, determining their core values and communicating the same to their partner is key for any fulfilling relationship. Takeaway: relationship anarchy While it’s mistakenly thought of as a reckless indulgence, or sometimes branded as the unwillingness to commit to a relationship, relationship anarchy can be best defined as a conscious, self-led approach towards what you and your partner(s) seek from a relationship. Indeed, designing your relationships as per your needs and expectations instead of societal pressure can entail a great deal of effort, maturity and trust. Relationship anarchy relies strongly on understanding oneself deeply, listening mindfully with empathy, and the ability to communicate one’s needs clearly. But then, so do most successful relationships, regardless of the relationship structure they may be based on. • Main image: shutterstock.com/Carlos Olivera Does relationship anarchy appeal to you or it something you would never consider? Share your thoughts in the comments below! Subject got you interested? Then chat with other members in our relationships forum. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Trust | Deep listening | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you constantly feel like you don't want to do anything, you could simply be demotivated. However, you could also (unknowingly) be in a deep depression. Dee Marques explains how you can distinguish between the two and offers seven ways to remotivate yourself. You may (or may not) know the feeling. Those days when you wake up and struggle to get out of bed. It’s not that you don’t have anything to do – in fact, the chores may be piling up. But all you can seem to think is: “I don't want to do anything”. Along with the lack of motivation, you feel more irritable and fatigued than usual, and you may even beat yourself up for feeling like this. I’ve been there. I know that the struggle with motivation is real and uphill. And I know that it can affect everyone; even those of us who are usually active. So, what can be done about it? Demotivation or depression? Low motivation and lack of energy can be caused by different things. Knowing the source of your lethargy is important, especially since certain forms of demotivation are linked to depression. One of the distinctive symptoms of depression is something called anhedonia. This is the inability to find pleasure or enjoyment, even in activities that we would normally love. Anhedonia can interfere with self-care and leave you feeling empty and demotivated. Learn how to tackle lethargic feelings However, not all demotivation is a symptom of depression. So, how can you tell apathy from something more serious, like anhedonia? Generally speaking, if the mood lasts more than two weeks and you see no improvement, it might be a sign of a mental health issue like depression. Since anhedonia may have a neurobiological basis, it’s best to get a professional diagnosis so you can be referred to a specialist. Is it burnout? After being exposed to stress for a long time, both mind and body can shut down, leading to what’s known as burnout. And, during burnout, feeling like you don't want to do anything can be a regular occurrence. A common misunderstanding is that burnout is only work-related, but that’s not true. The stress of the pandemic has taken its psychological toll of many, and has even led to a new expression being coined: Covid burnout. This is characterized by a sense of feeling overwhelmed, low-level anxiety and a lack of motivation. Burnout is often a sign that some important needs are not being met. If you’re going through this, you need time to recover, honour your needs, and make changes to your daily routine until you get your usual energy levels back. Whether the low mood is the result of burnout or something else, there are other useful steps you can take to cope better with the 'I don't want to do anything' feeling. 7 steps to getting re-motivated 1. Accept how you feel Have you noticed how sometimes, the more you try to ignore an emotion, the stronger it becomes? This is because emotions are more than just feelings: they carry a message that wants to be heard. The same can happen if you try to fight your 'I don't want to do anything' mood. Low energy and low motivation are important messages you need to pay attention to. If you ignore them, or push yourself to stay busy, the messages may become louder and stay with you for longer. “Use your 'I don't want to do anything' mood as an opportunity to take a break, and don’t feel guilty about it, because obviously you need it in order to get back to your usual self.” So, if you don’t feel like doing anything, accept that this is your reality – today. But notice that I wrote 'today'. Because here’s the caveat: acceptance is a good strategy if you see your demotivation as a temporary setback, but it’s not a wild card to complacency. In other words, don’t use acceptance as an excuse for long-term self-pity or self-sabotage. 2. Practise self-compassion If a dear friend told you they didn’t feel like doing anything, what would you say to them? Chances are you would be kind, understanding and compassionate. Is that how you’re treating yourself, or are you doing the opposite? We often treat ourselves worse than we treat our loved ones, but this double standard can be damaging to our mental and emotional health. So, why not extend your ability to feel compassion to yourself? Related: How to be your own best friend Maybe you’ve gone through a lot in the past few months. Maybe you’ve had to adapt to a new job, lost a job, or had to move homes. It’s normal to feel unsettled or mentally exhausted. Acknowledge what you’ve achieved so far, acknowledge your struggles, and the fact that ups and downs are a part of life. 3. Take some 'me time' Use your 'I don't want to do anything' mood as an opportunity to take a break – and don’t feel guilty about it, because obviously you need it in order to get back to your usual self. There’s no recipe as to what 'me time' should include; what matters is that it works for you. It could be anything from taking a whole day off to simply rest and relax, or having a nice bath and curling up in bed with a book or a movie. 'Take a break' may be the message that this mood carries, or it may be the first step towards figuring out what the message is. Either way, 'me time' will take some pressure off so you can see things from a more balanced perspective. Soak up some 'me time' shutterstock/Breslavtsec Oleg 4. Keep track of how you feel It’s easy to fall into a rut of feeling “meh” and letting days merge into one. To avoid that, it could be helpful to keep track of how your moods, ideally in writing. You can start by describing your feelings more specifically. You may feel like doing nothing, but what emotions are attached to this? Is it anger, frustration, sadness or something else? Defining our feelings is the first step in learning how to manage them. “It’s easy to fall into a rut of feeling 'meh' and letting days merge into one. To avoid that, it could be helpful to keep track of how your moods, ideally in writing.” You should also try journaling. Keeping a written account of your feelings can help you detect patterns or spot the things that could be making you feel worse. This is all important to help you stay away from what’s not helping and move towards motivating or inspiring activities and routines. Here are six different journaling techniques that you can try. 5. Make (small) plans When you don't want to do anything, planning for the future can be overwhelming. But staying stuck in the present will do little to improve your mood and energy levels. Ideally, you want to keep an eye on the future in a way that feels manageable. This is important, because having a vision for the future is essential to motivation: as humans, we’re created to make plans and be involved in projects. You can try to choose a few actions that require planning, like going for a hike or an overnight camping trip, redecorating a room in your house, or preparing your favourite meal. When you’re demotivated, doing any of these things may feel like too much, but the key is choosing something you’d normally enjoy – or have always wanted to do – and visualizing the entire experience. Picture each step, how it will make you feel, create momentum through visualization, and then make the plans needed to make it happen. 6. Make a list of positives This is something I do when I feel like I don't want to do anything. I find a comfy spot, put a few drops of my favourite essential oil in a burner, and I make a list of 50 things that make me feel good. If you’re thinking that coming up with 50 things is a stretch … you’re right! But that’s part of the exercise, because that will keep your brain focused on positive topics for quite a while. I like this exercise for two reasons: It takes almost no physical energy, but you’re still doing something. Creating the list can generate positive emotions, like gratitude, joy and contentment. Positive emotions underpin psychological well-being, and can also prepare you to cope better with adverse life events. 7. Share what you feel When you feel down, thinking that nobody is there for you or that no one understands you can make things worse. You may not want to 'bother' friends or family, or you may think that they won’t have a solution to your problems, so what’s the point, anyway? But again, this is a matter of treating yourself like you’d treat your loved ones, so seek the comfort you need. This is valuable, even if you don’t get a magical solution that makes everything right. Studies have shown that sharing our concerns can help reduce emotional pain and become less reactive to negative events. The takeaway If you’re stuck in 'I don't want to do anything' mood, remember that this too shall pass. Take this as an opportunity to rest and practise self-compassion, trying some of the suggestions listed in this article. With a bit of patience, you’ll hopefully overcome this and be back to your usual self. However, if you don't seen improvements in your apathy and lethargy, do seek help from a medical professional (advice below). • Main image: shutterstock/amenic181 If you're experiencing any of the signs of depression make sure to reach out to your local mental health services. In the US, you can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for free and confidential support. Use Lifeline Chat or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In the UK, call 116 123 to talk to Samaritans, or email: [email protected] for a reply within 24 hours. You can also text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, or text “YM” if you are under 19. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Letting go | Courage | Learning | Self-care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

There were many feel-good health and environmental stories in the press over January. Ed Gould rounds up his Top 10 from the past month to uplift and inspire. January is often regarded as a rather bleak month. However, it's also a time of renewal, when growth and optimism tend to return. Here's our pick of the Top 10 good-news stories from the past month. 1. MBSR is beneficial over the longer term According to a paper published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General in January, mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) has long-term positive effects on people's emotional well-being. The research goes further than previous studies into MBSR which tended to study people's immediate response to the practice. This latest research focusses on how long-term training in MBSR helps people to appraise emotional responses better over time and not just while they're undergoing mindfulness training courses. RELATED: Free online MBSR course 2. Exercise boosts brain function It's long been known that exercise is great for the heart, lungs and muscles, as well helping to improve mental health issues such as depression. However, reports from CNN in January stated that working out can also help the brain to perform better. New research has shown that synapses – the interconnections between brain networks – are improved through physical exercise. Kaitlin Casaletto, of the Memory and Aging Center at the University of California San Francisco, said the research showed that thinking and remembering were both improved thanks to working out. Furthermore, improved synapses through exercise may be a key factor in keeping dementia at bay. Exercise could boost brain performance shutterstock/Jacob Lund 3. Non-toxic fire extinguisher developed Fireproof coatings for surfaces are often derived from unpleasant chemical compounds that are not necessarily good for the wider environment. Nevertheless, scientists have come up with a non-toxic alternative that can coat flames, helping to prevent them from spreading if a blaze were to break out. The idea came from observing the way lava works when flowing from a volcano post-eruption. According to the Times of India, researchers at the University of Southern Queensland came up with the retardant which, it's hoped, will offer many future uses with much less impact on the global environment. 4. Record solar power levels in USA According to a press release issued by the United States Energy Information Administration, almost half of the country's electrical generating capacity will come from renewable, solar sources by the end of the year. Wind and battery-powered electrical production are set to account for about 12.7 Gigawatts of America's renewable electricity in 2022. However, it's now estimated that 46 per cent of the country's overall electrical generation will be from solar in the coming year. That's set to be 21.5 Gigawatts of clean, green electrical power each year by next winter. 5. Good news for those with dog allergies Various news outlets around the world reported the news that Japanese research may have come up with a cure for dog allergies. People who would like to own or pet a dog but who have allergies are often forced to steer clear of them. However, scientists at the University of Osaka claim to have identified the 'epitomes' – molecules that cause allergic reactions – that are found in dogs. This means vaccination therapies have become a distinct possibility in the near future, good news for all dog lovers, whether they're allergic or not. Could this be the end of dog allergies? shutterstock/Prostock-studio 6. Pristine coral reef found in the Pacific Ocean A report published by the BBC stated that marine explorers had found a large and previously undiscovered coral reef close to the island of Tahiti in the South Pacific. A team from the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization was responsible for the discovery. The coral reef is deeper than others that are known about, too, suggesting that there may be other such ecosystems hidden elsewhere. According to one of the divers who was involved photographing the reef, the structure of the corals is very uniform, making it appear like a giant marine sculpture, as well as a natural habitat. 7. Genetics offers a breakthrough in treating obesity It's long been known that lifestyle can play a big part in obesity issues. However, this is only a part of the story because genetics can also impact on how large, or not, someone will become, regardless of their diet and exercise regime. A report in Western News, the news outlet of the University of Western Ontario stated that a gene called Pannexin 3 is the one that seems to impact on obese people the most. Researchers there found that the gene was crucial in the production of adipose fat cells of the body. It's now hoped that a pharmaceutical treatment can be developed to suppress the gene, something that should allow obese people to lose weight more easily and maintain a healthier weight afterwards. RELATED: Is happiness genetic? Here's what science says 8. Psychoactive mushrooms found to be safe A report published by Sky News stated that so-called 'magic' mushrooms are safe to use for certain mental health conditions, such as depression. There have been numerous studies into magic mushrooms and their effectiveness, or otherwise, in treating such conditions. However, until January, there was very little research to say whether such treatments were safe or not. According to the study conducted at King's College London, relatively low doses of the mushrooms – either 10mg or 25mg – are safe to use when they are issued by trained therapists. It's now hoped that a new treatment pathway for people with post-traumatic stress disorder will be possible based on mushroom consumption. Magic mushrooms could be used to treat depression shutterstock/anitram 9. Smart packaging developed for fresher, eco-friendly food Food packaging is often made from unsustainable materials that do not decompose safely. However, where eco-friendly materials are used, food can often age more quickly than would otherwise be the case. In turn, this can lead to greater levels of food waste. To overcome this conundrum a team from Harvard and the Nanyang Technological University have come up with a new material that seals foodstuffs off effectively, making it safer to east and longer-lasting. It will also biodegrade good news for the environment. A report in the Daily Mail stated that antimicrobials are also released by the material, helping to keep harmful bacteria at bay. 10. World's largest wind farm to soon be fully operational According to CNBC, Triton Knoll – the planet's biggest offshore wind-powered electrical generation farm – will be at full capacity soon. The farm first started producing electricity in 2021 but will be able to produce enough energy to power up to 800,000 homes in the near future. A total of 90 wind turbines will soon be in use, capable of producing up to 857 Megawatts of energy. The farm is located in the North Sea off the coast of Lincolnshire, UK. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Sustainability | Biotechnology | Nature | Biology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

As keen birder Calvin Holbrook explains, the mindful nature of bird watching makes it both a happy – and healing – hobby. From reducing stress levels to providing moments of breathtaking awe, discover seven key mental health benefits of bird watching. My interest in bird watching came totally out of the blue. Well, a shade of blue that is: turquoise, in fact. A stunning colour on the gleaming coat of a male kingfisher swooping in front of me on a river walk. My experience with this long-beaked beauty lasted just a couple of seconds – a flash and it was gone – but it will stay with me a lifetime. Furthermore, it sparked a curiosity in me to start ‘birding’ and experience the many mental health benefits bird watching has to offer. Indeed, the timing of the kingfisher showing up couldn't have been better in terms of my own mental health. I'd recently moved back home to care for my seriously ill mother when COVID hit: a double-whammy of new responsibilities, emotional upheaval, pain and challenges. On the upside, I was lucky enough to be based on an island. It provided me with a stunning coastline and a multitude of woods, forests and marshes to explore. My prescribed daily walk in nature kept my sanity under check, and it wasn't until my encounter with the kingfisher that I really began to be aware of all the different types of birds around me. The majestic kingfisher shutterstock/Sacharewicz Patryk In my local park I started noticing the colours of the jay and the excessively loud squarks it would make. On heathland strolls I was lucky enough to spot hard-to-find yellowhammers and the equally rare Dartford Warbler. And during marsh visits I was blessed to witness many of the giant white-tailed eagles that had been released here on the Isle of Wight. Robins, woodpeckers, sparrows; I had my eye on them all. But what I really noticed while watching my feathered friends was the benefits bird watching made to my mental health. While out birding, a sense of calm, grace and awe would regularly wash over me. 7 health benefits of bird watching And it turns out I'm not alone in noticing the multiple mental (and physical) health benefits that bird watching provides. Multiple studies have shown the advantages of bird watching, and with a 2004 survey showing that almost 3 million adults in the UK regularly go birding, that's a lot of people that could be seeing improvements in their mental health. So, here are seven specific ways that bird watching has benefited my mental health – perhaps it will do the same for you, too? 1. It encourages mindfulness Bird watching is essentially an act of mindfulness, and we all know some of the proven health benefits that can bring – reduced rumination and lowered blood pressure to name but two. In fact, practising mindfulness specifically through birdwatching has been scientifically shown to improve mental health. In a 2017 study published in BioScience, scientists from England’s University of Exeter proved that when people witnessed more birds in their daily lives, they experienced reduced prevalence and severity of depression, stress, and anxiety. Furthermore, participants didn’t even need to interact with the birds directly: simply watching them was enough to signify an improvement in mental health. Additionally, research from the University of Surrey has suggested that actively listening to birdsong contributes to perceived stress recovery and attention restoration. I've experienced these reported benefits of bird watching first-hand. While I was caring for my mother – and during the grief that has followed since her death – walking in my local parks and the mindful manner of bird watching has provided me with the opportunity to 'press pause' on painful feelings and celebrate the beauty of nature and simplicity. Bird watching requires us to shift our attention and awareness, living fully in the present moment (the essence of mindfulness). Bird watching offers many mental health benefits It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a garden; you can feel the benefits of bird watching by practising it from a balcony, window, or by going to your local park or woodland. Stay fully mindful and be sure to focus your attention on how the birds look and sound. Examine the details in their plumage and explore the colours. Do you see any patterns? How long is its beak? What do the claws look like? Can you spot the differences between the male and female of the species? Also, be sure to focus on their calls. Is the sound high- or low-pitched? Are there any patterns in the noises they make? Can you hear a species ‘talking’ to each other? Can you try and imitate their calls? Also, what behaviour do they display? By immersing yourself in the world of the bird your mind should shift away from your worries or other thoughts. 2. It keeps you physically active You may think the exercise attached to spotting birds involves little more than standing still and flexing your arms as you lift a pair of binoculars, but you'd be wrong! As bird watching is mainly an outdoor activity it often involves walking or hiking around different terrains – woodland, shrub, marsh, clifftop. Indeed, many of the more interesting or hard-to-find species may be lurking in more remote areas away from human activity, meaning more effort is required to reach them. And, as you may already know, the benefits of exercise are both physical and mental. Exercise – even walking for a time – leads to an increase in endorphins, one of our so-called happiness hormones, which helps to boost mood and reduce stress. 3. Nature is healing To experience the full health benefits of bird watching you need to get out of your home and in to nature. According to studies, natural environments are proven to have two huge benefits when it comes to our emotions. Firstly, being regularly connected to nature leads to a reduction in stress and mood improvement. Scientists have found a correlation between exposure to natural stimuli (such as birds), reduced stress and anger, and improvement in reported well-being and mental health. “Taking the time to focus on our feathered friends during bird watching requires us to shift our attention and awareness, living fully in the present moment (the essence of mindfulness).” The second emotional benefit of being in nature may not be so obvious. It involves developing stronger bonds with others. That's because an improved and more relaxed frame of mind translates to a deeper attitude of compassion, that, in turn, can improve the quality of our social bonds. Furthermore, spending time out in nature brings forth emotions like joy, awe, serenity, inspiration and gratitude. Consider topping up the mental health benefits of bird watching by combining it with a forest bathing session for a deeply relaxing and rejuvenating experience. Take a break from your screens, switch off your phones, and go birding outside. Your author with his trusted binoculars 4. It keeps you social I prefer to go bird watching by myself – I find the calm and peace of being alone with nature healing and restorative – but that doesn’t mean I am without company. Indeed, the hobby of birding generates a thriving community of like-minded individuals that like to chat, share stories and tips, and, well, just have a laugh. In fact, if you head to a renowned birding spot over and again, you're bound to bump into fellow birders who will soon become familiar faces, and perhaps even friends. Indeed, another advantage of bird watching is that it can be a great way to make new buddies and the mental health benefits of staying social are well proven: not only does it reduce loneliness and boost well-being, but it can sharpen memory and cognitive skills, too. 5. It provide moments of awe Last year, after a day on the beach in a remote woodside beach in Tarragona, Spain, a bird I have been desperate to spot – the exotic-looking Eurasian hoopoe – flew down from nowhere and paraded its plumage and elongated beak right in front of me. This left me awestruck for the rest of the day. Such moments of awe and wonder make up another of the mental health benefits of bird watching. That's because studies have shown that awe can decrease stress levels, increase generosity and kindness, and make us feel happier overall. RELATED: 8 reasons why awe makes you life better Psychologist Jonah Paquette explains the value of awe in his book Awestruck. In it, he writes: “Awe blurs the line between the self and the world around us, diminishes the ego, and links us to the greater forces that surround us in the world and the larger universe.” Bird watching provides many opportunities to experience wonder, surprise and amazement. Whether it’s spotting a new bird species, hearing an unusual call, or watching a display or mating ritual, bird watching definitely provides many awe-some moments. Bird watching can be awe-inspiring shutterstock/Reni Rudisin 6. It stimulates and challenges Yes, bird watching is relaxing but it definitely won't leave you horizontal. In fact, birding keeps you alert and can be challenging, another mental health benefit. Indeed, trying to spot a bird after hearing its call is part of the fun, but it's rarely easy. Challenge yourself to spot a sneaky woodpecker in the branches after hearing its familiar tap-tap-tap sound and you'll likely be scouring the tree for ages before you uncover it. “Awe and wonder make up another of the mental health benefits of bird watching. Studies have shown that awe can decrease stress levels, increase generosity and kindness, and make us happier.” While my mum was seriously ill I challenged myself to train a pair of nesting robins to feed from my hand. Every day I'd go sit on the same bench and the same robin would be back to take seeds from me; first from the bench itself and then later from my legs. Within a fortnight it was brave enough to take the food directly from my hand. Watching this little red-breasted bird then pass the food to its partner (and perhaps keeping a chick alive) was particularly life-affirming when the life of the person I loved most was fading. Trying to spot and identify new species is also a stimulating challenge. Birds will often tease us, flitting in and out of trees to get our attention then zipping off again the moment you've managed to get your binoculars on them. So, it takes time and effort to track them down sometimes. According to CareUK, the process of looking for birds and identifying the species can even be calming for people living with dementia. Furthermore, repetition – in the form of visiting the same places and seeing the same birds – can also be reassuring to someone living with cognitive impairment. 7. It'll make you laugh My final health benefit of bird watching relates to the humour it often provides. Remember that old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine'? Well, the studies back it up: in the short-term laughter reduces stress and soothes tensions. In the long-term it can relieve pain, boost overall mood and even improve your immune system. And when you stop to pay attention you will see that birds have fascinating lives that are as funny to observe as they are beautiful. If you pay close attention to their habits and behaviours you will see some hilarious antics when they are feeding, mating or fighting. It can be like watching a soap opera – but in a feathery format! Some birding tips Purchase a small pair of basic binoculars online or from a second-hand shop. An essential item for a budding birder, binoculars will help you get a closer look at birds that are in the distance so you can examine them in more detail. Take a pocket book of birds with you when you go out in nature so you can try and identify them and tick off any new finds. Great for adults and kids. Tread carefully and don’t make too much noise as not to scare them off. Visit the same places daily and you may be able to build a bond with the birds. Put up bird feeders in your garden or leave seeds on your balcony. Once you start attracting birds to your outside space through food, they will remember it and come back regularly, increasing the amount of mindful bird watching time you can get. The takeaway: bird watching and mental health From reducing stress to providing real moments of awe, the mental health benefits of bird watching are many. It's something you can do by yourself or as a family activity, and the birding community is welcoming and friendly. The mindful practice of birding is also fun, free and gets you out in nature. So, what's not to love? And if, like me, you only ever get to see a kingfisher once, I promise you it will be worth it for that alone! • Main image: shutterstock/soft_light happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Trust | Sound baths | Pets | Stress management Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, makes gay artwork and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Can being curious potentially make us smarter, more innovative and happier? Sonia Vadlamani throws light on the rewards of being inquisitive and discusses ideas for staying curious throughout our lives. We are all born curious, but oddly the ‘episodes of curiosity’ common in kids pertaining to asking questions and observing objects intently dwindles as we age. As a matter of fact, children are known to be incredibly inquisitive and are often seen exploring new things around them, for no other reason than to know or understand more. However, as we grow older, we tend to gradually lose this appetite for curious pursuits. William James, a renowned philosopher and psychologist, defined curiosity as “the impulse towards better cognition”. Interestingly Ian Leslie, author of the acclaimed bestseller Curious, describes curiosity as the unique amalgamation of “intelligence, determination and a hunger for novelty,” in the sense that it drives us towards discovering what we do not already know. Curiosity constitutes a fundamental element of our cognition, and thus is essential for our learning motivation, decision-making as well as healthy development. Indeed, a part of our fading curiosity as we age can be ascribed to a phenomenon known as ‘brain economy’. As we continue to learn, the brain works on building and reinforcing neural pathways and energy-saving shortcuts so that we don’t have to expend mental energy for repetitive tasks. However, researchers agree that it is important to stay curious as we grow older, despite increasing demands being put on our time. Why does staying curious matter? Research suggests that staying curious can improve our learning mechanisms and enhance brain plasticity, as the more curious we are about a topic, the likelier we are to remember it well. For instance, while chemistry seemed like a daunting subject to several of my classmates, I remember being fascinated by it. For example, how can potassium be called a metal yet be soft enough to cut with a knife? It was intriguing and fun to draw out answers and understand ions, bonds and chemical reactions. Indeed, I reckon it was my curiosity that made me receptive to grasping my chemistry lessons with ease and remembering the details without much effort. Stay curious through lifelong learning Being passionately curious allows us to develop an abundance mindset, as it propels us towards learning and applying these new learnings in daily life, sparking growth and innovation. Staying curious can also help us shun our prejudices and bridge our differences, thus lowering anxiety and strengthening our social connections. A 2014 study by Vincent D Costa et al also pointed out that our brains trigger higher dopamine levels when we are not familiar with the stimulus and the reward is unknown to us (rather than when we are aware of the stimulus and the rewards). So, acquiring new information or performing newer tasks that answer our curiosity can improve dopamine release, which, in turn, can offer a quick mood boost, improve our decision-making abilities and even prevent health conditions like Parkinson’s disease and depression. 8 ways to stay curious Curiosity is akin to a mental muscle that can weaken if we don’t exercise it often. That’s why we need to make it a habit to flex it and stay curious on a consistent basis. Read on to discover eight ways to reignite your inner inquisitive spark. 1. Ask questions relentlessly Carl Jung, eminent psychiatrist and the founder of analytic psychology, described the ability to ask questions as “the greatest resource in learning the truth”. Indeed, there are no dumb, silly, small or big questions, as each question can unlock a conversation and every answer can present a fresh insight for you or others. Always carrying a notebook makes it easier for you to quickly jot down topics which spur your interest and questions you’d like to pursue next. 2. Step out of your comfort zone Staying in our comfort zone is undoubtedly convenient, especially since we humans are hardwired to choose familiarity over uncertainty. However, staying within our safety bubble stifles creativity and often harbors discontentment, leaving us feeling bored in life. RELATED: Why we should all start embracing the unknown In fact, living more adventurually and replacing fear of the unfamiliar with a healthy curiosity is what some great artists do differently. Indeed, staying curious and open to new experiences can help us welcome newer perspectives, let go of the past and rediscover our purpose in life. 3. Nurture a wide range of interests “Creativity doesn’t happen in a void,” observed Ian Leslie. It has been reported that successful artists and philosophers like Leonardo da Vinci and Aristotle were curious to the extent of accumulating vast amounts of knowledge which they could recall readily when needed. Leslie further points out that this reservoir of learnings allowed them to “mix and remix ideas and themes, making new analogies and spot unusual patterns” that ultimately steered them towards creative breakthroughs. “Curiosity is akin to a mental muscle that can weaken if we don’t exercise it often. That’s why we need to make it a habit to flex it and stay curious on a consistent basis.” However, it is also important to train yourself to be the expert in a niche of your interest. Developing an informed perspective on a wide variety of subjects would allow you to possess a valuable expanse of knowledge. Furthermore, diversifying your interests will enable you to tap into your intuition with greater ease and thus make better decisions. This will also put you in a better position to specialize in areas which align with your goals and purpose. 4. Gain new perspectives While it can’t be denied that we tend to get more comfortable with our own perspectives and viewpoints over time, it can be immensely rewarding to learn to change perspective and examine events and actions from the viewpoint of others. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness Leslie defines this as ‘empathic curiosity’, wherein he encourages us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and analyze why they react in a certain manner and make certain choices. Gaining a different perspective in this way can help us stay curious, as well as improve our happiness levels. 5. Cultivate awe every day There are several reasons why awe makes your life better, the ability to stay curious being one of the benefits. A study by Craig L Anderson et al revealed a positive relationship between dispositional awe in people and their curiosity levels. The findings concurred that those who experience awe more often are more likely to stay curious and learn at a faster pace. It is possible to incorporate awe into our daily life, and not just feel it when we listen to a beautifully composed piece of music or making a trip that was always on the bucket list. Slowing down and lingering, being mindful, reconnecting with nature and questioning the things we always overlooked are some of the ways to look for daily experiences of awe, and gradually re-instill curiosity. Travel keeps you curious and is awe-inspiring shutterstock/GaudiLab 6. Look at learning as a privilege and fun “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education,” Albert Einstein famously stated. Learning is often seen as a cumbersome task or something that we need to participate in for better grades or a promotion. However, studies show that staying curious makes learning effective and more enjoyable, enabling us to be motivated to achieve new milestones. Additionally, redefining learning as a stress-free and pleasurable activity leads to enhanced activity in the amygdala region of the brain and increased release of dopamine, resulting in greater retention. 7. Meet other curious people often Brian Grazer, the prominent TV producer, recommends meeting other interesting people and having what he calls “curiosity conversations”. Remember that positive communication is the key to holding meaningful, intriguing interactions, and building lasting friendships. Consulting different people about their interests and opinions can introduce us to new learnings and fresh interests, thus rekindling curiosity within us. 8. Look inward Turning your curiosity inwards can help you understand yourself better and thus set more realistic goals for yourself. Spare 5-10 minutes each day to practise attentive self-reflection while you withhold your emotions, and observe and understand your reaction to various stimuli, fears, thoughts, attachment styles, moods, etc. “Turning curiosity inwards can help you understand yourself better and thus set more realistic goals for yourself.” Staying curious towards yourself can help you find self-validation, and observe kindness and empathy towards yourself, just like you’d do for a friend. Looking inward can also enable you to resolve a troublesome pattern that may be preventing you from living your best possible life, like bottled up resentment that you need to let go of, or a habit of indecisiveness that you need to change. Takeaway: staying curious Curiosity is listed as an essential cognitive need in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which underlines its importance in the way we define our purpose, make our choices and pursue goals. Rekindling the desire to know and cultivating the practice of staying curious can help us lead a life with meaning, adventure and happiness. • Main image: shutterstock/Dragon Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Learning | Altruism | Compassion | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Friends and relationships will come and go in life, but we will remain with ourselves for ever. So, it makes sense that we learn how to be our own best friend. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores eight ways you can support and love yourself and stay happier. Most of us know how to be good friends; by being supportive, kind, understanding. Also by knowing how to listen — when to stay quiet and when to ask the right questions. Indeed, a good friend knows when to be the voice of reason and when to be the most enthusiastic cheerleader. They know when to act and when to silently be there for another, showing that they care. You surely have been a great friend on many occasions. You've saved a friend from pain. You've helped them when they had it rough. You gave them the courage they needed to pursue their talents. However, do you know how to be your own best friend? Think about it this way. You are the only friend you are guaranteed to have for as long as you live. So, it makes sense that you strive to be your own best friend. Being your own best friend: a personal reflection I was talking to my best friend a few weeks ago. I expressed an insight I came to recently — when the toughest moments of our lives come, we are immensely and utterly alone. He looked at me in silent disapproval. This thought seemed too gloomy for him with his everlasting enthusiasm and optimism. Still, it is not a pessimistic realisation, even though it might seem like one at first glance. Why? Because you can be the ultimate support to yourself. You can be your own best friend who will be there with you no matter what. What I came to understand is this — whether you are surrounded by support or alone, it is ultimately you (and you alone) who goes through whatever comes your way. When you have a decision to make, a move to take, and consequences to bear, friends can help. However, when the pain comes, you are the one who will need to keep standing. You need to do the work and dig yourself out of despair. No friend, however supportive, can do it for you. You will need to be your own best friend. For several years, everything in my life was collapsing. Punches and losses kept coming without mercy, one after the other, brutally strong. The agony, fear and anguish went far beyond what I could ever imagine (and I am used to enduring a lot). During those years, I was alone. No one knew what I was going through every moment of every day for years. I was, in a way, invisible. Be kind to yourself at all times Not only that. I was also not a very good friend to myself. In fact, I was actually my worst enemy. I loathed and scorned myself incisively. As if what I was going through was not enough. I kept telling myself I deserved all the suffering. I probably needed a reason for putting up with was not to be put up with. Finally, it came to the point where I had a straightforward choice — I was either going to end up dead or learn how to be my own best friend. I chose the latter. How to be your own best friend: 8 ideas So, how can you be your own best friend? There are as many ways as there are people. Indeed, we all have different needs and diverse ways of meeting them. So, we all need different nuances of support and care in friendships. This is why the first of these eight ways to become your best friend states: 1. Get to know yourself What is the first thing you do when you are about to befriend someone? You get to know them, of course. Although we all believe we know ourselves perfectly, there are always bits and pieces hidden from our consciousness. These concealed parts of ourselves can control our lives. For this reason, psychoanalysts Newman and Berkowitz argue in their book titled How to Be Your Own Best Friend that we need to understand ourselves to the core. It means knowing both the most complex truths about ourselves, as well as the magnitude of our potentials. In that way, we can become the kind of support for ourselves we would readily give to others. Therefore, take time for a bit of soul-searching. Journal, examine yourself. Who are you? What aches you? What motivates you? Get to know yourself. 2. Respond to your needs A study on happiness revealed why quality friendships make you happy. You’ve probably heard (or, hopefully, experienced) that having great friends leads to well-being and joy in life. The reason? Good friends help you meet your needs. They are there for you, emotionally, financially, to lend a helping hand. RELATED: The 8 types of friend we all need Therefore, if you wonder how to be your own best friend, think about what you need. Are you hungry for emotional warmth? Do you need a pep talk? Or, do you need to hear the harsh but healthy truth? Do you need some rest? What is it exactly that you need? And now — how can you meet those needs? Help yourself as you would expect your best friend to do. 3. Understand that being your own best friend is not selfish Sometimes, we feel that we are being selfish and egocentric if we are too kind to ourselves. In my (collectivistic) culture, when people start taking care of their needs, they face the risk of being seen as self-centred. Such a conviction is a profound obstacle to becoming your own best friend. “If you wonder how to be your own best friend, think about what you need. Are you hungry for emotional warmth? Do you need a pep talk? Or, do you need to hear the harsh but healthy truth?” However, what good can you truly do to the world if you are drained, depressed, lonely, unhappy? Or, in simpler terms, as drag icon, RuPaul put it: ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else?’ 4. Speak to yourself as you would to your best friend What do you say to your loved ones when you witness them beating themselves up? Probably something like: “Please be good to yourself”, “You’ve got this”, “You are a wonderful and competent person”, “I love you no matter what”, “It’s going to be all right”. And what do you say to yourself when you fail or hit the rough patch? Chances are, your self-talk is the opposite of how you speak to your friends. Unlike compassion, self-kindness often feels unnatural. Be your own best friend. Monitor your self-talk and correct it. Commit to not saying to yourself anything that you would avoid saying to your best friend. Support yourself in the same way you would those you love. 5. Engage in self-care Similar to the previous point, here, you expand the self-care realm from inner talk to all sorts of acts of self-kindness. RELATED: Be good to yourself – 8 self-love techniques How are you eating and sleeping? Are you getting enough exercise? Are you overworked? How are you taking care of your emotional needs? Are you assertive? Do you have toxic people in your life? How will you handle them? Do you meditate? Are you pursuing your hobbies? Do you have enough of what makes you happy? Practise self-care with meditation shutterstock/Deborah Kolb If you saw your friend acting recklessly to the detriment of their physical and mental health, you would speak up, wouldn’t you? You would encourage them to change their habits and eliminate the negatives in their lives. Therefore, you should do the same for you. 6. Write a strengths CV Being a good friend means calling attention to someone’s strengths when they fail to see them. So, when you’re learning how to be your own best friend, you might want to write a special CV — one containing your strong points and talents. Do not be modest. Display all your fortes and successes with pride. Then, hang it somewhere you can look at it often. Whenever you feel you could use some encouragement, go to this list of things that you are amazing at. RELATED: Exploring life coaching techniques and tools Finally, as a psychotherapist Carissa Karner advises, to be your own best friend, you need to learn to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Also, let your inner critic off the hook. Let it go. Focus on things you can do right this time around. 7. Do an act of kindness to yourself This is a fun one. Do you like to surprise your friends with random acts of care and kindness? I always loved to see the child-like joy my friends would have in their eyes when I brought them a small gift out of nowhere, bought them a ticket to a show they liked or took them somewhere nice to buy them to a meal. “When you want to be your own best friend, you are committing to honesty. You will need to call things by their names. Sometimes, it will not be pleasant.” Do the same for yourself. Treat yourself. Take a warm bath with candles and a good book in your hands. Buy yourself that something you have been craving for — just because. Celebrate yourself! 8. Be honest with yourself Finally, being a good friend does not mean being a cheerleader. You would not put rose-tinted glasses on your friend’s eyes while their lives are falling apart, right? When you want to be your own best friend, you are committing to honesty. You will need to call things by their names. Sometimes, it will not be pleasant. Still, it is the right thing to do. Yet, remember, a best friend is also not a bully. Being honest does not mean being mean. Honesty with kindness and compassion is the ideal combination you are after. For example, if you failed a test or messed up the big presentation at work, an honest friend would not go about and blame the professor or the boss. They would tell you that you should not have stayed all night partying instead of preparing for it and getting some good night sleep. Still, a good friend also would not call you a deadbeat (or any of the names you might be inclined to call yourself in such situations). So, find the golden middle and provide yourself with constructive criticism and support. Be the kind of friend who helps you get up when you fall and find your way to growth. The takeaway: be your own best friend for life You are stuck with yourself for life. You could leave partners, quit friendships, cease contact with your family. But the one person that will always be with you is yourself. So, this is where you decide if you are going to be kind to yourself or you are going to be the inner critic, the sadistic voice in your head. I hope you choose to be your own best friend and guide yourself to greatness with self-compassion and self-kindness. • Main image: shutterstock/Dmytro Zinkevych happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Courage | Resilience Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Quality sleep is an essential component of good mental and physical health, yet many of us struggle to find it. Ann Vrlak explores how deep sleep meditation could increase your chances of improved rest and well-being. Some years ago, I told a doctor friend: “I’m having so much trouble sleeping. What’s wrong with me? Who can’t fall asleep, for heaven’s sake!?” She laughed and said, “Well, only most of the planet!” It turned out she was right. The American Sleep Association says that 50-70 million adults in the US have a sleep disorder. Insomnia is the most common in the short term (30 per cent of Americans), but it also affects 10 per cent in the long-term. In my journey to more thoroughly understand sleep and enjoy better sleep, I have read a lot about how common sleep problems are, how they affect us, and what we can do to improve the quantity and quality of our sleep. As a meditation teacher, I was sure that meditation could play a big role. So, this article is about the benefits of deep sleep meditation and how these practices can help you drift off more quickly and enjoy more restorative sleep. Why deep sleep is crucial My doctor friend told me that Ariana Huffington – the über-successful founder of Huffington Post – left the company in 2016 to form a wellness website focused on sleep. Huffington began this journey when she collapsed one day from exhaustion. She had always been an energetic and healthy person, but sleep was not something she made a priority. Her health crisis motivated her to delve into the importance of sleep and what she calls the “sleep deprivation crisis” of our modern world. Today, a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, studies are showing sleep problems are becoming even more common – yet another effect of the isolation, loneliness and disruption so many of us are experiencing. Deep sleep meditations encourage quality rest If you don’t sleep well once in a while, your body will adapt. However, if you’re someone who regularly has trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep and wake up feeling exhausted, I hope this article will convince you of the importance of aqequate shut-eye and convince you to give deep sleep meditations a try. And, in case you think a chronic lack of quality sleep isn’t a priority in your life, don’t be fooled. Some of the damaging effects include: Impaired judgement Slowed reaction time Weight gain Hypertension Conflicts with others Mental fog and poor concentration Impaired immune system Anxiety and depression Benefits of deep sleep meditation I hope the list above gives you an idea of just how crucial healthy sleep is to you. Sleep is regulated by neurochemicals in the brain which, in turn, regulate a whole range of mental and physical processes. So, when poor sleep is ongoing, just about everything you think, feel and do can be negatively affected. “Deep sleep meditations are a way to encourage your mind, body and spirit to do what it naturally wants to do: rest, heal and rejuvenate.” As you might expect then, the benefits of regular, healthy sleep are just as profound in the positive direction! You can expect to: Feel mentally alert Be able to concentrate and problem-solve Have a high-functioning immune system Better communication and connection with others Be better able to maintain your weight Reduce hypertension, as well as anxiety and depression In a nutshell, regular quality sleep will keep your brain in a powerful, balanced cycle of health that will support you in a whole host of ways. How much sleep do I need? Most adults need between seven to eight hours sleep a night. And, it’s important to sleep close to this amount every night. Three hours one night and 10 hours the next throws your brain chemistry and your circadian rhythm out of balance. When it comes to sleep, routine is king. Deep sleep meditations you can try There are many guided meditations you can try, online or in many of the meditation apps. Whichever you choose, please keep this in mind: sleep is a natural process. It’s not something you should need to force. Deep sleep meditations are just a way to encourage your mind, body and spirit to do what it naturally wants to do: rest, heal and rejuvenate. Every night. Here are a couple of deep sleep meditation videos I recommend. If poor sleep is troubling you, I hope you’ll give them a try. 1. Guided meditation with Tara Brach | 15 minutes This is a lovely breath and body scan deep sleep meditation. At just 15 minutes, it's a great one to practise just prior to heading to bed. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } 2. Jason Stephenson | 1 hour This guided meditation is an example of another type of deep sleep meditation: a visualization journey. Stephenson’s “Floating Among the Stars” meditation begins with a relaxation session then takes you through a visualization experience. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The power of deep sleep meditations Meditation is uniquely suited as a before-sleep routine, especially deep sleep meditations that help you release stressful thoughts (the biggest cause of insomnia for many of us). Breath and body scan meditations are the oldest and most effective deep sleep meditations. Here are just a few reasons why these meditations will be a helpful tool if you have sleep issues. Again, they will help you to focus on your body and physical sensations, instead of your thoughts. You might have noticed that your troubling thoughts all seem to come out when you get into bed! Not only that, but if you’re like me, you might try to think yourself into sleep; you can probably guess how well that works. Meditation enables your pre-sleep brain shutterstock/shurkin_so I can’t overstate how much your sleep will improve if you embrace deep sleep meditations that gently direct your attention away from your thoughts. If you try to STOP your thoughts, this is a direct path to frustration. But if you give your attention something else to focus on, you’ll start to feel your mind relax. Saying that, it’s really important not to expect your mind to go willingly at first. Thinking, planning and worrying as we settle down for the night are all ingrained habits for most of us. So, please be patient as you try any of these deep sleep meditation. MORE LIKE THIS: Cat naps – 5 health benefits of taking a siesta Feel stress-free fast: 11 science-backed techniques 14 sleep hacks to get a good night's rest As you focus less on your thoughts and more on your body, you will set in motion the relaxation response in your brain. Paying attention to your breath and bodily sensations tell your brain that you’re “safe.” Your parasympathetic nervous system, that governs all kinds of wonderful healing processes, sends relaxation chemicals throughout your body. This supports not only your sleep, but your ability to relax and open further to deep sleep meditation. “Meditation is uniquely suited as a before-sleep routine, especially deep sleep meditations that help you release stressful thoughts.” Another strength of deep sleep meditations that focus on breath and body is that they bring you into the present moment. You need to be present to feel the subtle sensations of warmth or coolness as you breathe, or the tension in your shoulders or stomach. This kind of sustained, kind, precise attention to what you’re experiencing right now gathers your attention from the many places it may be wandering, to one gentle, aware place within yourself. Try it. You may be surprised how calming paying attention to one thing can be! These meditations for deeper sleep also help you to become quieter, to notice the silence within your breath and within your body. These quiet spaces are small doorways that say, “This way! I’ll take you to the quiet, rest and release of sleep.” Most meditation traditions see great value in reaching deeper sleep, rather than the superficial level of sleep which is also all too common. They provide an opportunity to sink into the thought-less realm of your being, every day, and bathe in pure awareness. Because most of us spend much of our days doing, planning and being busy, this deeply restful time is seen as an essential oasis of healing and rejuvenation for mind, body and spirit. Conclusions: deep sleep meditation Quality sleep is an integral part of good mental and physical health. Sadly, many of us struggle to get adequate rest due to stress, worry, anxiety and overthinking. However, we can use deep sleep meditation techniques to encourage our body to enter a state of relaxation and rest. Try watching the videos suggested and following the above tips to help you on your way to a good night's rest. Sweet dreams. • Main image: shutterstock/Billion Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Stress management | Mindfulness | Burnout Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

JILL SUTTIE has found that reflecting on your ideal future helps you feel more optimistic and be intentional about what you want. When I was in my late 20s, I was living in Santa Barbara and wondering about the course of my life. I had a job that was interesting enough, but it came with a terrible boss who actively sabotaged my work. I’d been in a few serious relationships, but none of them panned out. I’d enjoyed working at a university, but hoped to use my science background more and, perhaps, tap into my creativity. I wanted something different, possibly even a new town. But I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted or how to get there. That’s when I came across a book called Creative Visualization, and, for some reason, it spoke to me. Though I thought the main premise of the book was bogus – that all you need to do is figure out what you want, and the universe will provide – I nonetheless found its goal-setting exercise extremely helpful. In it, the author tells readers to imagine their best possible lives, considering many different aspects of life, including relationships, work, leisure time, personal development, the condition of society and more. Then, they should write about this perfect life, as if everything were just as they wanted it to be. Doing this exercise at that time helped me a lot, by encouraging me to reflect on my values, deepest desires and goals. And I believe that taking the time to imagine a better, more fulfilled future started me on the path to where I am now. For example, back then I envisioned myself being married to a loving man (check), having a job where I could help foster more compassion in others (check), speaking new languages (check), and playing more music (check). Envisage your best life and write it down Did these things magically appear in my life? No, they didn’t. But knowing what I wanted helped me set an intention to work toward them. No doubt, my subconscious kicked in, too, and I began to notice opportunities that presented themselves to me or to actively seek out information I needed. Plus, having a direction to take based on my truest desires gave me impetus to make hard choices that ultimately changed my life – like moving from Santa Barbara and forgiving my alcoholic father’s past abuse. Since that time, I’ve done this exercise many times over the years, often with good results. Even so, it wasn’t until recently that I noticed there is research to support the practice. When you imagine your best possible self, suggests the research, you feel more optimistic and positive about life, which motivates you to apply yourself toward fulfilling goals. And being happier can increase your willingness to tackle social problems, too, meaning it can make a difference in the world, not just for you as an individual. It’s not just for one type of person, either; it has been tried with different populations to overall good effect. I can’t promise it will work for you, too. But it might make a difference in how you feel about the future – and that could be a good thing to do going into the year 2022. Here is what the “best possible self” practice involves, according to Greater Good in Action: Take a moment to imagine your life in the future. Ask yourself, what is the best possible life you can imagine? Consider all of the relevant areas of your life, such as your career, academic work, relationships, hobbies and health. Then, write continuously for about 15 minutes about what you imagine this best possible future to be. If you’re tempted to think about the ways your life isn’t working well right now or about financial, time or social barriers to being able to make your best life happen, let that all go for the purpose of the exercise. Instead, focus on imagining a brighter future in which you are your best self and circumstances change enough to make this happen. Be specific and creative, letting yourself imagine as much detail as you can and being as imaginative as you want when it comes to your best life. The more creative and specific you are, the more engaged you will be in the exercise and the more you’ll get out of it. Though not mentioned in Greater Good in Action, I’ve found it helpful to write about this best possible life as if it were already happening – meaning, I write in the present tense. So, for example, I don’t write, “I’d like to be able to write a book someday,” but “I’ve finished writing a book on the psychological benefits of being in nature.” “Having a direction to take based on my truest desires gave me impetus to make hard choices that ultimately changed my life.” When you’re feeling stressed or depressed, it can be harder to do this practice – but the research suggests that it can still be beneficial. I last did the exercise in March, when I was feeling particularly down and worried. Things looked grim for some important people in my life and, generally, for people around the world. Yet taking the time to focus on a better, more fulfilling life ahead helped me stay focused on what mattered to me and where to put my energy. Here are some of the things I wrote then: I have let go of all resentment, anger, heartache, disappointment or hopelessness and am resting instead in a place of deep, abiding love, clarity and conviction. I continue to write for Greater Good, because I love my work. I’m learning new things regularly and finding purpose in helping people to live happier, more meaningful lives. I stretch my body, meditate, eat well, and take good care of myself so that I’m in good health. I’m hiking in nature almost every day, which helps me feel calm and connected to the natural world. I’ve planted a vegetable garden in my backyard, and I’m enjoying spending more time at home. I’m visiting foreign countries, fulfilling my dream of more travel, adventure and language acquisition. My relationships with friends and family are stronger and closer than ever. As you can see, some of what I wrote just confirms the value in things I’m already doing – like hiking and finding meaning in my work. Other things were new and gave me ideas of how to change my life for the better. Find direction to be your best possible self shutterstock/ABCDstock While not everything I wrote about has come to pass, some of it has. Certainly, realizing that I’d like to have a garden inspired me to put one in my backyard. (Truth be told, my garden didn’t do super well…but I learned some stuff that will help me do better next year, I hope.) I decided to learn a little Greek, because I realized how much I love learning languages, plus I anticipated using it on a fall 2020 trip to Greece with my husband. Unfortunately, the trip to Greece had to be nixed because of COVID. We pivoted and went somewhere closer, fulfilling part of my dream, at least. Obviously, these were personal goals. Yours will no doubt be very different than mine. As I always do when envisioning my best life, I also visualized a better state for our world. Here is part of what I wished for then – and still wish for today: The world is a beautiful place, filled with loving people who care about each other. There are no more social divides, social justice prevails, we’ve halted climate change, and no one lives in poverty anymore. The jury is still out on achieving those lofty ideals. However, I do think the first step to positive change is setting your intention and the optimism that creates. By at least imagining a best possible future, I know I can keep myself engaged in making it come to pass. For me, that currently means writing articles that inspire others, participating in social justice causes, and giving generously to charities I believe in. Perhaps we all need to imagine our best possible life at the end of 2021. We might find that by doing that, we’ll have more optimism about 2022 and figure out how to make the world a better place – not just for ourselves, but for everyone. • Main image: shutterstock/silverblackstock happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Acceptance | Letting go | Trust Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Feeling connected to others in a world that's increasingly individualistic may seem challenging, but as Dee Marques explains, there are some simple intimacy exercises you can use to develop stronger bonds, deepen connections, and improve the quality of your relationships. There's little doubt that humans are social beings. Feeling close to others contributes to our overall feelings of happiness and fulfillment. Indeed, there are plenty of studies that confirm this from a scientific point of view. In fact, scientists believe our brains are hardwired to be social and that our development as a species relied on our ability to maintain strong bonds. But although we live surrounded by people, loneliness and isolation are still some of the biggest social challenges of the 21st century. Indeed, researchers have noted that one can have a wide social network and interact regularly with others and still feel lonely or disconnected. This suggests that intimacy is a key factor in the development of meaningful connections with others. So, here are five easy intimacy exercises that can help deepen the connection you have with your partner and all the other important people in your life. 1. Meditation Meditation is a fabulous tool that can help you achieve greater awareness and connection with the world that surrounds us. Several studies have found that regular meditation practice has a positive effect on close relationships and helps develop a stronger sense of intimacy. According to these studies, there are several reasons why meditation works: first of all, meditation makes us more accepting of our own flaws, so we can easily become more forgiving of others. Secondly, meditation improves our ability to separate thoughts from emotions and makes us less 'reactive', so we can continue working on developing closeness, despite ups and downs in our relationships. Meditation helps deepen connections with others Shou-yi is a lesser-known form of meditation that comes from the Taoist tradition. The name itself means “to embrace the one”, so it's easy to see why this intimacy exercise can help deepen a connection with others. Shou-yi brings to the forefront of your mind the fact that in one way or another, we are all interconnected and interdependent. This technique is also known as “quiet sitting” and involves contemplative meditation based on Taoist philosophy: Sit down with your back straight Visualise the five 'yin organs', or bodily parts where energy resides: the liver, heart, spleen, lungs and kidneys. This could be compared to a body scan meditation, where you focus on one body part at the time Each yin organ has a colour associated to it. Liver is azure, the heart is a vivid red, the spleen is yellow, lungs are white and kidneys are dark blue. Focus on the relevant colour as you move through each body part According to Taoist scriptures, these colours also correspond to the five elements: wood (azure), fire (red), earth (yellow), metal (white) and water (dark blue) Visualize the flow between body parts, colours and elements The goal of this technique is to achieve a deep insight into oneness and bring a deep sense of harmony between humans, the earth and the cosmos. Once you are in the 'oneness mindset', it becomes easier to look at the forest instead of getting distracted by the trees (other people’s habits and traits that bother us). After all, there is a reason why Taoist philosophy has been used for peacebuilding and conflict management purposes. 2. Loving-kindness meditation A second intimacy exercise to help deepen connection is loving-kindness meditation (LKM). The ultimate goal of LKM is to strengthen compassion, love and appreciation for other beings, so it's an ideal technique to improve intimacy. RELATED: How to improve intimacy – 9 techniques to try A study of people who practised loving-kindness meditation for six weeks showed a reduction in the negativity levels of their relationships. Furthermore, participants reported having a stronger support network and felt increased happiness. The technique is also simple: Find a quiet space and choose a comfortable position Create a mantra, which should include good wishes towards others (for example: "May I be happy, healthy and free from harm. May you be happy, healthy and free from harm") Repeat the mantra in six stages: first direct it towards yourself, next towards someone who has had a positive effect in your life, then towards a relative or friend, next towards someone you feel neutral or have an occasional conflict with, then towards someone you dislike, and lastly, towards all beings While you repeat the mantra, picture those good wishes physically going from you to other people Here's another example of a loving kindness meditation by Jack Kornfield 3. Gratitude The third exercise is writing gratitude letters. Letting people know we value them and care for them can improve our relationship with others, since we become more likely to overlook people’s flaws, lessening any chance of conflict and helping us achieve a better appreciation of other people’s value. Gratitude letters can deepen connection because our feelings of gratitude are directly shown to the other person. This intimacy exercise has a strong impact on the quality of the relationship, as well as a lasting effect that can span several weeks, as shown by studies at the University of Pennsylvania. Even if you don't send the letter, putting your gratitude in writing makes you more aware of your positive emotions and is bound to make you feel closer to others. “Writing gratitude letters as an intimacy exercise can deepen connection because our feelings of gratitude are directly shown to the other person.” Gratitude letters work because when we direct our attention to gratefulness, we automatically divert it from toxic or negative emotions. And as some researchers have found, the benefits multiply over time, since cultivating an ongoing gratitude practice causes changes in brain activity in areas related to decision-making, meaning that there is a link between gratitude feelings and how we act towards others. Say thanks: gratitude letters are a great intimacy exercise 4. Getting to know you exercise The fourth method on deepening connections is a 36-question exercise that you can use to understand others better and get a better picture of who they truly are. For this intimacy exercise, you'll need to set at least 45 minutes aside and take turns asking the questions that you can find here. RELATED: 6 types of intimacy and how to cultivate them Research at US universities has shown that this exercise is effective in helping deepen connection and closeness between people. This is because the exercise relies on mutual self-disclosure as opposed to small talk. Furthermore, it requires both sides to open up, providing a safe environment where there's no fear of feeling vulnerable or one-sided. 5. Mindful listening Devoting time to properly listening to others (instead of simply exchanging views or acknowledging information) is one of the best ways of showing we care for them. Mindful listening is an intimacy exercise that can also help increase empathy, because in doing so we get to understand better other people’s motives, needs and fears, gaining a more accurate picture of who they are as human beings. “Meditation practice has a positive effect on close relationships and helps develop a stronger sense of intimacy.” So, next time you have a conversation with a partner or friend, focus on what they're saying without judging or interrupting, and do your best to be present in the moment, being supportive and receptive. It's also useful to have some guidelines in mind: Suspend assumptions Suspend judgement Suspend status (communicate on an equal-to-equal basis) Honour confidentiality Honour silence Deep listening works because by not being judgmental and overlooking differences in opinion, others feel more inclined to trust us. Overall, mindful listening improves the quality of our relationships and sets a solid foundation for authentic interpersonal encounters. Listen and learn: deep listening equals deeper connections The benefits of deeper intimacy We live in a society that's increasingly individualistic, so it's always good to remember the benefits of crafting a deeper connection with others and of cultivating intimacy in relationships. The benefits are both physical and emotional: being able to connect with others at a deeper level generates empathy, which has been proven to give a sense of purpose and to strengthen the immune system. Other studies show that stronger connectedness with others is a key component of our support system, can lower stress and anxiety levels, and has been linked to lower heart disease rates. Of course, lasting closeness, intimacy and loyalty will not come automatically. There is no magic pill when it comes to deepening your connection with others, but the five intimacy exercises we have discussed here are a good starting point that can help your enjoy richer and more meaningful relationships. ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Relationship advice | Communication skills | Learning Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Letting go of the past isn't easy – especially when we are hardwired to hold on to certainty – but doing so isn't helpful. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores nine ways you can learn how to let go of the past for good and move forward with your life. Letting go of the past is one of the toughest challenges most of us face at one point or another. Sometimes we hold on to relationships that are long gone. We miss our loved ones who have passed away and cannot accept the fact that they are now our past. Other times, we might cling to our previous successes and fail to see that we are no longer at the top of our game. Very often, we cannot let go of grudges and past hurts. If you once had a dream, an ambition, a plan that now does not seem to be realistic, you know how hard it is to let it go. However, holding on to the past — be it bad or good — makes you unable to live in the now. It limits your possibilities for growth and transformation. So, how can you let go of the past — and why should you? Why can we not let go of the past? You’ve probably had your share of letting go of the past. We are inevitably exposed to losses as time and events pass. We do not want to — and often do not know how to — let go of the past. Yet, the reality of living forces us to. Among all the material and immaterial things I had to let go of, I found the hardest thing to give up was my past Self. When I was 28, I made a surgically-precise cut from my life (for the wrong reason). I simply removed myself from absolutely everything that once comprised my existence; I sold my apartment and all my stuff, moved to another country, cut ties with all my friends, quit my hobbies, abandoned ambitions and interests, changed my habits. I bestowed my thoughts and memories to a person who crudely distorted them and imposed a foreign perspective into my mind. Long story short, seven years later, I have found that I cannot get all that back. Little of my old life could be restored for one reason or another. Most importantly, I have changed. And I have realised that I painfully miss some parts of my old Self. Letting go of the past is necessary to advance After that realisation, I spent another year sorely yearning to feel like I once used to. I felt that letting go of the past at that point would mean that I had forsaken any chance of feeling like myself again. What I experienced is backed up by scientific findings. Research confirms that we tend to hold on to things because they feel like parts of our identities. If we let them go, we might lose ourselves. I know I have feared this option often. In a series of experiments back in 1990, Baumgardner, a known psychologist, revealed that the more we know ourselves, the more we like ourselves. So, maybe you know yourself as a person who is in a relationship with a certain person. Or, you might define yourself as someone who has ‘that’ specific job — even if you hate it. Then, if you let go of those things, who will you be, who are you? And will you like yourself? In other words, no matter how horrible an experience we may be living, it is something we know about ourselves. For this reason, we usually do not know how to let go of the past. Indeed, we are wired to cling. It feels familiar. It feels safe. Humans need certainty, and much of our institutions, tradition, religion and interaction revolves around this need. This is why the art of letting go is so difficult to master. How to let go of the past: nine tips When you decide it is time to refresh your mind and embrace letting go of the past, you might find yourself short of skills to do so. Where to begin? How to let go effectively? Here are nine tips to help you master letting go of the past and making it your new life philosophy. 1. Journal or talk to someone Sometimes we are too much in our heads to be able to let go. I have often found that things I hold on to remain powerful because I keep them in my mind in some intangible form. As soon as I talk about them or write them down, they begin to lose the control they have over me. RELATED: Journaling techniques – travels to our interior When we try to give our emotions enough structure to be communicated or written down, we start analysing them using higher cognitive processes. We take them out of a purely affective area. Often this is enough to help you see the clearer picture and recognise that you are ready to release the past and move on. 2. Abandon the need to be the rightful hero When we get hurt by someone (or wronged by life’s unfairness), we might ruminate about it for months, years even. And when we mull over the insult repeatedly, we strengthen its effect on us. It becomes more important — a part of who we are. We put the hurt at the centre of our experience. As a result, we expose ourselves to the risk of becoming depressed, as brain imaging studies have determined. “We are wired to cling. It feels familiar. It feels safe. Humans need certainty. This is why the art of letting go is so difficult to master.” Therefore, letting go of the past means stopping the efforts at being the hero, the rightful one. Yes, you were mistreated. Make peace with it and move on. 3. Do not let others define you We sometimes do not know how to let go of the past because we feel that others did something to us. So, we expect others to fix it, too. However, the art of letting go is, at the same time, the art of regaining control. You can choose how you react, no matter what others do and what happens to you. You decide when it is enough and when you will move on. 4. Become an optimist Research has found that humans are more inclined to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive. Furthermore, the more we focus on something, the more it becomes our habit of thinking and seeing it in ourselves. Stay optimistic for the future shutterstock/asife So, it follows that it's more beneficial to develop an optimistic outlook. Use the Pygmalion effect and start creating an appealing future for yourself. It will make letting go of the past much easier, because you will have something better to move towards. 5. Forgive yourself One of the hardest obstacles when letting go of the past is forgiving yourself. Even when you manage to release grudges against others, a residual self-blame might stop you from truly moving on. So, you made a mistake — picked the unsuitable person as a spouse, chose an unfulfilling career, misjudged situations and took the wrong path. That is all right — we all err. Accept it and move on. Because the one mistake you are making right now is not letting go of the past. And that is one thing you can change right now. 6. Build the capacity to be present Practising mindfulness, or being present in the moment, is a vital skill, especially when it comes to releasing the past. However, at the same time it is one idea many of us find difficult to build. That's because lots of people are focused either on the past or the future. RELATED: Mindful behavior – 13 practical mindfulness tools Build your ability to be mindfully present in the now. With time and practice, your mind will acquire the habit of recognising where (and when) your life truly occurs and the past will stay where it belongs. 7. Create distance from the past Letting go of the past might seem impossible simply because you remain too closely involved with its reminders. My father used to compare similar situations to having your hand stuck in a meat grinder while all you do is take painkillers; until you remove your hand out of what is causing the pain, you are not really doing anything to solve the problem! Therefore, whenever possible, consider ways to create a psychological or physical distance from the past events, relationships or situations you need to let go of. Perhaps you need to move away from an area to avoid a past lover or estranged family member. Or maybe stop going to that bar you used to love hanging out in with your (ex) best friend. Not being taken back to that place all the time will help you let go of the past. Create distance from your past and move on shutterstock/24Novembers 8. Recognise that letting go of the past means growth When I was having a hard time letting go of the past, it was because I feared losing myself. I practically deleted my life and lived that way for years. After I was done with that, understandably so, I had a strong need to get my old Self back. “Letting go of the past might seem impossible because you remain too closely involved with its reminders. Consider ways to create a psychological or physical distance from the past events, relationships or situations you need to let go of.” However, after some time, I realised: my old Self had disappeared. And this is all right. Some parts did survive and resurfaced after I recovered. They make up my psychological core. Others are forever gone. Still, I ought not to mourn them forever. Nothing ever stays the same — nor do we. So, instead of sticking to the past and grieving, embrace change as growth. Take your experiences and transform them into something greater than who you were before. 9. Create empowering rituals When you are learning how to let go of the past, creating empowering, healthy rituals can help you. Engage in self-care. Eat healthily, sleep well, exercise, read, meditate. Love and praise yourself. By doing so, you are building your confidence and a sense of being deserving of good things coming your way. You will start living mindfully and looking forward to the future with confidence and curiosity — instead of being stuck in past experiences. Letting go of the past to embrace the future Learning how to let go of the past is not an easy task. Prepare to be challenged every time you face the necessity to do so. Indeed, your inborn psychological make-up will probably strongly oppose letting go of the past. That's because we like to hold on to things, experiences, and people — even when they are undoubtedly bad for us. However, when you manage to rewire your mind and learn to surrender the past when the time comes to do so, you learn to live life to the fullest. How? By opening yourself up to the opportunities. To what comes next. To growth. So, start today. What have you been latching onto that needs to be set free? • Main image: shutterstock/Song_about_summer happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Courage | Resilience Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.