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Showing someone 'tough love' means being firm with them in a way that should help their well-being. But does it actually work? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović examines the evidence... Does tough love work? When I think about this question, a close friend I grew up with since I was six comes to my mind. Her parents undertook this approach whenever she was underperforming or downright making trouble. Did it deliver results? Well, yes and no. I will speak about her in more detail to illustrate the general position of this article. And that is — tough love may work to deliver results in a specific situation. In the short run, it may seem as if it worked. However, it can also lead to many pitfalls. Indeed, exercising tough love is not to be taken lightly, as it may cause more harm than good. The outcomes of tough love: anecdotal evidence My friend from the introduction lived two stories above my apartment. We went to kindergarten, elementary and high school together. We remained in daily contact when we moved to different cities for college and visited each other often. We were best friends for almost 30 years. Therefore, I was a witness to her development until she was a mother herself. Although I cannot claim that I know which factors were crucial in making her the person she is today, one thing I can say — tough love was effective. Still, I believe the effects were both affirmative and harmful at the same time. At the end of one semester in high school, she, somewhat in rebellion, received “F”s for 80 per cent of her classes. When her parents found out, all hell broke loose. They forbid her from leaving the apartment for a month between the semesters. She was allowed to see only me and a classmate who was coming to study with her. They remained cold and distanced (although they did verbalise their best intentions) until she started receiving good grades again. Tough love is common in parenting And, yes, she did begin to receive good grades again. So, because of that, one might argue that the approach was fruitful. Yet, I also know that this enactment of tough love, like all the others, left her with a loss. She remained, to the day, riddled with an all-pervading feeling of solitude and fear of the world. She never felt entirely safe and unconditionally accepted by her parents. Let us not, nonetheless, stay in the realm of anecdotal evidence. What does science have to say about tough love and its effectiveness? What is tough love? According to Merriam-Webster, tough love is “love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behaviour”. It is believed that the term was first used in a 1968 book of the same title by Milliken and Meredith. Since then, tough love has become an everyday phrase as much as it is a psychological concept. The American Psychological Association clarify what tough love means in psychology: It is aimed at fostering individuals’ well-being It means requiring the person to act responsibly and seek professional assistance when they are experiencing problems The oversight and restrictions of personal freedom and privileges must be willingly accepted to be effective According to the same source, typically, families of adolescents or young adults with a prolonged history of substance abuse take on tough love to help them heal. However, tough love is the method of choice by some parents for any misbehaviour or irresponsible action. One example was that of my friend. I also know about cases in which parents engaged in tough love to attempt to teach the child to fix their own problems — such as not covering for them when they skip classes or letting them settle their disputes independently. Tough love happens in adult relationships as well. Apart from helping someone overcome addictions or other problem behaviour, tough love could be implemented in romance, friendships or at work, too. For example, when one of the partners or friends gets into the habit of being hurtful or disrespectful, the other might withhold affection to show them where the boundaries lie. A team member sometimes tends to tag along and then gather praise with the proactive colleagues. The coworkers could then implement tough love. They could let the inert member of the team feel the repercussions of their inaction — instead of doing their part of the work for them, as usual. The same goes for other groups and communities. A theoretical paper demonstrated that group members are willing to be critical and exhibit a form of tough love when they believe that doing so is in the interest of the collective. Does tough love work? Many a parent has weighed the use of tough love against the horrifying possibilities that might lie ahead on their child’s life path. Whenever we care for someone, not only as parents, the time may come when this approach crosses our mind. Sometimes, our loved ones are going down a path that is unquestionably bad for them. Tough love sounds like the only remaining rescue when they do not seem to respond to reasoning or pleas. Yet, responding to the question of whether such an approach works is not simple. Tough love: pros Advocates of the approach propose that social immobility is caused by parental indulgence, failure to set boundaries, moral laxity and disciplinary incompetence. In other words, a failure to implement some tough love might produce adults who are not equipped to move ahead in life. The general principles of tough love are in the roots of some recent social policy programmes and general stances in the third way of social work. They are also in the foundations of particular political strategies, justifying the use of force or punitive measures on some nations, such as the Western Balkans. Tough love: cons Empirical research seems to provide proof against the use of tough love. At least when it is not combined with other, positive means of directing a troubled person towards healing and improving. A systematic review of scientific literature evaluating compulsory drug treatment demonstrated that such approaches do not deliver the desired outcomes. In some instances, they directly cause harm instead of helping the clients. The use of physical punishment on children will make the child more aggressive and antisocial, with problems with developing an internal moral compass. The child could have a lower intellectual achievement because of such punishments and experience mental health problems — particularly depression. The quality of the parent-child relationship would probably be poor. Bootcamps for troubled teens, according to research, only result in increased chances of committing offenses later on. Solitary confinement in violent prison inmates does not decrease the possibility of future misconduct. The verdict So, what to think about tough love, then? Remember, tough love is a concept that comprises two elements — toughness but, most importantly, love. For it to work, in other words, it must be based on and guided by genuine care and affection. A study done on coaches of disadvantaged youth seems to confirm that. Less successful coaches would build a sense of family within the team but used very negative militaristic coaching strategies. Successful coaches, on the other hand, developed close relationships along with a positive team climate. They challenged players while being supportive and promoting their autonomy. “Empirical research seems to provide proof against the use of tough love. At least when it is not combined with other, positive means of directing a troubled person towards healing and improving.” In terms of helping adolescents with substance abuse, findings suggest that the programmes based on empathy and voluntary participation are much more effective. A multisystemic approach is more beneficial in troubled youth exhibiting violent, antisocial behaviours, delinquency, and emotional problems. It targets family relations and works to develop healthier, loving surroundings in which the troubled adolescent lives. Principles of exercising tough love The studies and academics’ works above have taught us that tough love needs to be exercised in a specific way to deliver results. Unless enacted correctly, it turns into punishment. It becomes a means of dividing people instead of bringing them closer. It might temporarily reduce the problem behaviour, but, in the long run, it will do no good. How can you show tough love to be sure it will help someone you love? Here are some basic principles to consider: Empathy, not sympathy Sympathy means having compassion for the suffering or sorrow of another. However, sympathy is largely based on our beliefs and projections of our own feelings and experiences. Instead of sympathy, give the troubled person your empathy. According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary, it means “understanding a person from his or her frame of reference rather than one’s own”. Therefore, when your close one suffers, try to understand their point of view. This will help you provide the kind of help they need — not the one YOU THINK they need. Boundaries If you are helping someone using tough love, you should be careful not to get into a rescuer mode. Also, you ought not to be the persecutor. So, no tolerating the harmful and unacceptable behaviour, but also no punishment and harshness. These are all games people play that offer only one role for the person you are trying to help — that of a victim. Remember the goal of the intervention. It is for them to become autonomous. They need to become able to take good care of themselves and others. Healthy boundaries are as important as they might be difficult to achieve. This is why you should not be afraid to ask for help. Establish tough love without hurting others shutterstock/Rido Ask for help Do not hesitate to reach out when your loved one is struggling. Trying to help someone who has behavioural problems, addictions, has emotional issues, or any other ailment can be too much of a challenge for one caring person. Ask for professional assistance in tackling the problem. Avoid the risks — for your loved one or yourself. Establishing tough love Toughness can be difficult for both the giver and the receiver. This is why you should not go into a tough-love intervention without a sort of roadmap. Feel free to write down what you aim to achieve and how you plan to do it. Revisit this note often to keep yourself and the process on track. Here are some ideas on what to include in your plan so that you can execute the principles and guidance you learned about in this article in practice: The aim — What is the goal of your actions? What are you hoping to achieve? The commitment —Are you devoted to executing it? The obstacles — What will be the biggest difficulties in executing tough love? How will you overcome them? The stakeholders — Who will be affected by this intervention? Who do you need to get directly involved in the process? The helpers — Who can help you to overcome the obstacles you listed above? Will you consult a professional? Will you involve friends and family members? The boundaries — where do the limits lie? What will you not tolerate? What line will you not cross or allow others to cross? How will you ensure that you do not cross anyone’s limits? Respect and care — How will you ensure that you express your love and care for the person you are helping? How will you respect their autonomy? How will you promote their self-care and self-sufficiency? The ending — When will the process end? How will you know that it is enough? How will you proceed afterwards? The takeaway: tough love Intuitively, many of us might agree with using tough love sometimes. Especially when one is a parent and has tried (and failed) to teach a child to be responsible by pampering them. In some situations, the only way to spark accountability and self-sufficiency seems to be a bit of tough love. Requiring someone to act maturely and take care of themselves (or seek professional help when they cannot do so) is, indeed, an act of care and love. However, as this article also showed – it is an instrument that tends to backfire. So, if you feel that your loved one would benefit from a bit of toughness, do not forget — the balance (and the key to making it work) lies in the other component of the concept. Love. Always act from the place of care and affection. Never sacrifice understanding and acceptance for harshness, even when it comes from your best intentions. • Main image: shutterstock/juninatt happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Self-help | Coaching | Kindness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Can 12 ideas be described as constituting pillars of well-being? Ed Gould examines the ideas of leading psychologist Rick Hanson. An expert in his field, the creator of the 12 pillars of well-being, Rick Hanson, is the author of several books that focus on well-being and happiness. In Hardwiring Happiness, for example, the eminent psychologist discusses how recent scientific studies have led to a greater understanding of the correlations between neural structures and mental well-being. A senior fellow of the Greater Good Science Centre at University College Berkeley, Hanson's scientific ideas have featured in many news features around the world, such as with the BBC and CBS. He has spoken at Oxford, Stanford and Harvard universities, to name but three. However, Rick Hanson is probably best known as the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, an institution that is centred on the 12 pillars of well-being. Along with his other best-selling publications, Just One Thing, Buddha's Brain and Mother Nature, Hanson produces a free newsletter that has over 100,000 subscribers. Throughout his published work and his regular newsletters, Hansen's extensive career has been leading many to the 12 pillars of well-being concept. RELATED: Mindfulness books – our Top 10 picks The 12 pillars of well-being What is it that Rick Hanson can teach us about happiness and contentment and how do the pillars of well-being help us to achieve them? Let's examine Rick Hanson's concept in the first place. Gratitude: one of the 12 pillars of well-being The first thing to note about the Rick Hanson model of well-being is that it is two-dimensional. This is not to say that it has no depth, rather that you can imagine the 12 pillars of well-being laid out on a grid. Across the top of the grid are the names of the “Four R's” which constitute the grid's four columns. According to Hanson, these represent the mainstays of well-being: Recognising Resourcing Regulating Relating Running horizontally are three core needs we all have, as Hanson sees them. Safety Satisfaction Connection From either the core needs or from the category of well-being, it's then possible to get to each of the 12 pillars. For example, where Resourcing coincides with Connection, the pillar is named as “Confidence”. Alternatively, where Regulating and Safety intersect, the pillar would be “Calm”. Because the 12 pillars of well-being are arranged, or, more accurately, can be thought of in this way, it's possible to truly understand which each one represents. “Mindfulness” and “Motivation” are both pillars that connect to the core need of Satisfaction, for example. The 12 Pillars of Well-Being: Dr Rick Hanson How to use the 12 pillars of well-being Hanson's 12 pillar concept is designed to create a simple path that will enable you to grow a dozen strengths needed for better well-being. However, they are not simply good habits to get into or new ways of thinking about the world. The pillars are designed to make alterations inside your brain so that you can get the most out of your life. Primarily, Hanson is using the well-known medical phenomenon of neuroplasticity within each of our brains to reorganize neural networks. He's showing us how this can be done for improved mental and lifestyle outcomes. Much as someone who has suffered a brain injury will learn how to perform certain tasks using other parts of their cortex, so the 12 pillars of well-being can help us to rewire our brains for beneficial effects. How does this work? You may already work on your self-development in particular ways. For example, you may have embarked on a programme of self-compassion by reaffirming positive things about yourself each day. Under Hanson's 12 pillar model, you are “Recognising” the core need of “Safety” by being self-caring in this way. Every time you go through a ritual of self-caring or take the time to compliment yourself, then you're reinforcing a neural structure at a physical level within the brain. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } “Hanson's 12 pillar concept is designed to create a simple path that will enable you to grow a dozen strengths needed for better well-being.” Equally, if you're working on scientifically proven techniques to improve confidence, such as working on your support network more regularly, then Hanson's model would ascribe this to “Resourcing” your core need for “Connection”. However, these are just individual examples of rewiring neural networks. The point is that having the 12 pillar approach to better well-being in place will help to make sure that you're not missing out on any single element. All too often, we identify a need for our inner well-being and focus on that. Although this is perfectly understandable and very human behaviour, it's not always the best route to overall mental well-being. Hanson reminds us that our neural network's need rewiring from several different angles at once to achieve a true equilibrium. Indeed, he points out that 12 essential elements, or pillars, lie at the heart of improving ourselves, not just one or two. The 12 Pillars of Well-Being: Dr Rick Hanson Watch: The 12 Pillars of Well-Being with Dr Rick Hanson Think of it regarding an athlete who is training for a competition. In this analogy, if they only work on one or two muscle groups, then they may find improved physical performance in some areas. However, if they neglect the other parts of their body, then they could find themselves going backwards in others. This is what Hanson is teaching us with the brain's need for 12 pillars to be fed at once, from mindfulness to gratitude and from vitality to learning. As long as we work on each of our three core needs across the four mainstays of well-being, then each of the 12 pillars will contribute to a rewired brain that truly sets us on the path to greater enlightenment and better mental well-being. Each pillar has a role to play What's more, Hanson's 12 pillars of well-being gives us a good idea of how to work on each pillar. As just one example, if we look at the fifth pillar, gratitude, Hanson describes what needs to be done to heighten behaviours that relate to gratitude. He shows us how to take pleasure by releasing inhibitions and focusing on all of our sensory experiences, not just on one or two. Furthermore, under the fifth pillar, he teaches how to take pleasure from every day, even mundane, things. RELATED: 7 mindfulness tips for staying engaged Similar advice can be found for each pillar, such as developing a sense of 'unilateral virtue' and 'speaking from the heart' under the tenth pillar of courage. Taken together – and not in isolation from one another – each pillar offers a step on a wider path. Like all journeys, each step forward marks progress but, crucially, will also lead to physical changes in our brains, as well. More information on each of the 12 pillars of well-being and some great instructional videos can be found at the Foundations of Well-Being. ● Main photo: Colourbox.com Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's a practitioner of Reiki.

Is it possible to look at happiness in terms of the choices we make every day? Sonia Vadlamani explains how long-lasting happiness largely stems from making consistently conscious choices. Incorporate these 12 happy habits in to your daily routine and feel the benefits. Happiness means different things to different people. For you, it might be a secure job and a comfortable life. For others, it may mean freedom of expression and forming meaningful friendships. And while happiness looks distinct for everyone, most people agree that being happy is the most important aspect and the major driving force in life. While there is no consensus on a ‘silver bullet’ that works for everyone, there are some things which boost happiness for the majority – good physical health, sound mental health, a stress-free and productive life, job-satisfaction, a sense of fulfillment, meaningful relationships, etc, are just a few outcomes that result in happiness for most individuals. What is happiness? Most researchers consider happiness as a state of mind. It is usually measured in terms of life-satisfaction, subjective well-being, and a positive mental state. Lack of negative emotions like anger, frustration, and absence of symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression are also considered to result in a happy state of mind. How habits and happiness are related Choosing what makes us happy is difficult sometimes, especially when something that might make us genuinely happier in the long run seems to clash with what feels good in the present moment. In the words of Gretchen Rubin, best-selling author of The Happiness Project, happiness doesn’t always feel happy. For example, relaxing and binge-watching a favorite show may certainly feel like the convenient choice over heading to the gym for a workout. A double chocolate chip cookie might seem more appealing than a healthier and wholesome bowl of salad. RELATED: How habits can get in the way of your goals The common instinct during such a dilemma is to settle for the convenient or compelling choice – this may result in short burst of joy but might not make us happy in the long run. However, it is possible to break out of this default subconscious behavior and work our way towards the happiness-creating choice, through willpower and consistent action. Choosing the gym over cookies: a happiness habit! shutterstock/NDAB Creativity Making consistently better choices can be a viable strategy to create lasting happiness. Habits matter – they help us engrain a choice as the default action, if made repeatedly. Long-lasting, consistent variety of happiness come through consistent habits. Hitting the gym after work can be made into your default choice – or ingrained healthy habit – through consistent action, rather than to just remain a couch potato, resulting in good health and consistent happiness. Happy habits: 12 simple ways to boost joy levels daily So, let’s look at some happy habits to help you with your quest for happiness. With time and practice, you can cement these happy habits into your daily routine as your default choice of action: 1. Smile Smiling is circular – happy people smile more often, which releases more dopamine, and this makes them happier. Researchers even suggest faking a smile to induce cheerfulness and lower stress levels through ‘facial feedback’. Smiling has also been associated with extended life expectancy. A study by Michigan State University revealed that smiling as a result of cultivating positive thoughts can improve mood, prevent feelings of apathy, and improve productivity levels in the workplace. 2. Exercise regularly Exercise can prevent hypertension, boost heart health and immunity, and extend your life span. However, the benefits are not limited to physical health – regular exercise can help lower stress levels and even rewire your brain connections to keep depression at bay. A systematic review of existing literature by Zhanjia Zhang et al revealed that even the minimal amount of physical activity in the form of aerobic or stretching/balancing exercises makes a huge impact in favor of reduced stress and depression – resulting in greater happiness – in comparison to those who do not exercise on even one day in a week. “Happiness and habits have a symbiotic relationship – people with healthy habits are happier, and happy people are found to have healthier habits.” Include at least 20 minutes of daily physical activity in the form of strength training, outdoor running, yoga or walking to observe the difference in your mood and health. You could also indulge in a hobby involving movement, like dancing or playing tennis. 3. Eat mindfully Healthier food choices result in elevated happiness, as indicated by a research synthesis by Ruut Veenhoven. A balanced diet consisting of whole grains, lean meat, healthy fats along with two to three portions of fresh vegetables and fruit per day can improve your physical health and prevent disease. In addition, food choices impact your mental health as well – good mood foods can alleviate anxiety and depression and improve your mood by inducing the release of happiness hormones. 4. Get enough sleep Despite the competitive modern world trying to convince us to stay awake and connected for longer hours, getting sufficient sleep is a crucial happy habit for good health and well-being. A four-week study by Ji-eun Shin et al revealed that individuals who sleep for adequate hours have lower incidence of ‘zero-sum beliefs’ or scarcity mindset, higher life-satisfaction and elevated happiness levels. Take time to build a healthy sleep routine. Keep sleep-stealers like phones and tablets on silent mode and tucked away at least one hour before bedtime. Try going to bed and waking up at the same time every day to regularize your sleep patterns. 5. Meet friends and family often Humans are inherently social beings and forming meaningful ties makes us happier. A study by Matthias R Mehl et al pointed out that meaningful friendships call for lesser small talk and encourage more ‘substantive’ conversations, resulting in a greater perception of well-being and happiness. Another happy habit: keeping family close shutterstock/Monkey Business Images Furthermore, meeting happy people with a positive attitude will amp up the benefits. Another study at Harvard Medical School observed the happiness patterns of 5,000 participants over a period of 20 years, to establish that happiness levels in a person can trigger a positive chain reaction and the benefits can reach their friends, their friends’ friends, and so on. 6. Plan ahead Planning the next day and upcoming week in advance can help prevent the floundering feeling we sometimes get when there’s too much work that needs to get done but we have no clue where to begin. It is essential to factor in the truth here – what isn’t planned most often doesn’t get done, which may result in undue stress and dissatisfaction. RELATED: Mindful minutes – 10 small practices that make a big difference A study by renowned self-help author Robert Epstein revealed that 25 per cent of our happiness depends on our ability to manage stress, and that consistent planning and timely action can prevent stressful situations. Hence, to prevent stress, it’s important to reflect on the activities that bring you the desired result, such as joy, sense of accomplishment etc. and consistently establish supportive plans. Seeking happiness through random, haphazard acts might not always work out in your favor, but activities listed through meticulous planning will seldom backfire, offering you greater sense of satisfaction. 7. Disconnect and recharge While social media is great for networking and staying connected, it can also take a toll on your mental health and hurt your self-esteem. Taking some time to disconnect from that infinite realm called the internet, to connect with your inner self, is crucial for your subjective well-being and happiness. In a two-week study by Dunn and Kushlev, 221 participants were encouraged to maximize their phone interruptions and keep them within reach for a week. For the next week, participants were asked to turn off their phone notifications and tuck the phone away out of plain sight. Participants reported higher attention span and improved productivity levels when phone alerts were off, which predicted elevated levels of happiness. While unplugging your phone and shutting down your electronic devices might seem like a ridiculous proposition in the beginning, but it can save you from mental fatigue and undue stress. Start small – try taking a break from social media and phone notifications for a few hours each week, extending to few hours of silent mode each day. Use this time to meditate, read, or simply savor the silence around. 8. Meditate Meditation is an energization practice that allows you to focus your thoughts, enabling you to unleash your inner potential and achieve a greater sense of awareness. Numerous scientific studies point out that meditating daily can improve your mood and boost cognitive abilities. According to a review study at Kyoto University, meditation can increase the grey matter in precuneus area of the brain, which is known as the origin of the sense of well-being and happiness. Meditate regularly to boost your mood shutterstock/Shift Drive If you are a beginner struggling with your meditation practice, take heart it knowing it need not be a complicated technique. Explore some of the best beginner's meditation videos online, or simply begin by sitting in a quiet place for at least five minutes, as you concentrate on your breathing patterns. 9. Connect with nature The fast-paced world around us has a way of making us believe that life is all about achievements and hustle. While goals are important, remember that there’s more to life than to-do lists and deadlines. Taking time from your busy schedule periodically to get into nature can rejuvenate your senses, improve your heart health, prevent cancer and boost your creativity. Forest bathing or reconnecting with nature can also alleviate stress and depression, indicating higher levels of happiness. 10. Stay spiritually connected In a broad sense, spirituality relates to looking beyond oneself to find a connection with a greater dimension or a higher power that unites all beings. It doesn’t necessarily translate into religious tenets or gatherings – instead, it focuses on cultivating intrinsic value systems like kindness, compassion, gratitude etc, in your daily life. The Science of Happiness, a special edition by Time, summarizes the learning compiled from existing scientific research that most spiritual people derive certain ‘psychological comfort’ from their belief system and tend to be less depressed and less anxious as compared to their non-spiritual counterparts. “Humans are inherently social beings and forming meaningful ties makes us happier. Furthermore, meeting happy people with a positive attitude will amp up the benefits.” A systematic review of scientific literature by Sankul Gaur recognized spirituality as an emerging predictor of happiness, wherein spiritual or religious interventions were found to improve one’s sense of well-being and life satisfaction. 11. Stay in the present While the technological advancements in the form of smartphones and tablets do make our lives easier, unfortunately they also tend to draw our attention away from the reality around us. Being mindful of the environment around you and savoring the present moment without judgment is crucial for cultivating happiness – it allows you to think, feel and act from a place of purpose in a conscious manner, as opposed to your actions arising based on your subconscious patterns, or a ‘default mode’. A study by Cristian Coo et al established mindfulness as an important construct for mental health and an effective positive psychology intervention tool. It also revealed the positive effect of Mindfulness Based Intervention (MBI) on the happiness levels, work engagement and productivity of professionals in varied fields like healthcare, education etc. 12. Practise gratitude Gratitude is the appreciation of good things in your life, or an acknowledgment of the gifts you received. Studies show that the simplest acknowledgment of all things you are grateful for – be it by writing gratitude list or via gratitude meditation – can positively impact hope and happiness. Furthermore, developing an attitude of gratitude has scientifically-proven benefits. It’s possible to start small – acknowledge things you’re grateful for as you go about your daily tasks, such as having hot water to take a shower or having the sense of vision. Gratitude journaling is another great way to set positive intentions for the day. Round-up: happy habits Happiness and habits have a symbiotic relationship – people with healthy habits are happier, and happy people are found to have healthier habits. The happiness-boosting habits listed here are by no means exclusive – try them to see which of these fit well into your lifestyle and stick to the ones that create favorable results for you. With consistent practice and patience, you can create a routine to include the positive habits that suit your version of happiness and the path you choose to achieve the same. • Main image: shutterstock/Monkey Business Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Authenticity | Courage | Learning | Success Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Can our mindset radically affect our choices and determine the course of our lives? Sonia Vadlamani explains the importance of a life of abundance and shares eight simple yet effective ways to cultivate abundance mindset. When Henry Ford famously stated, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't – you're right”, he was emphasizing how our attitude and beliefs determine our success or failure. While we may not realize it, self-limiting thoughts can have a lasting negative impact on our lives, whereas positive reinforcements and a bright outlook on life can help us make better choices, thus resulting in successful outcomes. The term 'abundance mindset' was first coined by Stephen R Covey in 1989, in his best-selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, those choosing an abundance mindset believe that there are unlimited resources available for every individual, and that long-term success warrants creation of a win-win situation for all. Abundance mindset vs scarcity mindset In contrast, Covey refers to scarcity mindset as viewing life as a limited resource, wherein one can get only a share of the pie, while the rest is reserved for others. Those with scarcity mindset believe there just isn’t enough love, time, or money out there for everyone: each thought and every action of theirs is an endeavor to grab the limited opportunities. Adopt a mindset of abundance for positive changes shutterstock/sun ok An experimental study based on neuroimaging revealed that abundance mindset enables individuals to make goal-oriented decisions. On the contrary, those with scarcity mindset perceive limited resources to be available to them, which may impact their decision-making abilities adversely. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • A victim of the scarcity mindset myself until a few years ago, it took me a while to realize that I was limiting myself by remaining in the ‘if only’ trap – assuming that my life would be perfect if only I earned a certain amount of money, bagged that exclusive contract, went on that dream vacation, etc. When I eventually realized that my scarcity mindset was confining me in a victim complex, I consciously looked for ways to expand my awareness and recognize all the growth opportunities around myself. Indeed, escaping the scarcity bubble might seem impossible at first, but consistent focus and determined action plan drawn towards developing an abundance mindset helps immensely. “Self-limiting thoughts can have a lasting negative impact on our lives, whereas positive reinforcements and a bright outlook can help us make better choices.” Sometimes, it may be easy to confuse scarcity mindset with a temporary setback, like being in financial shortfall. Being broke could be a short-lived situation in your life – in fact, not having access to everything you ever desired could prove to be a valuable lesson and help you to be grateful for everything you do have. How is abundance mindset beneficial? Abundance mindset is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. Psychology professor Carol Dweck revealed that people with “growth mindset” believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment. These individuals tend to be more equipped to deal with stressful situations and believe in their ability to generate more successful outcomes as compared to those with a 'fixed mindset'. Individuals with abundance mindset are perceived to be: more creative and inspired to create favorable outcomes for everyone around unfazed even through adverse circumstances more assured about their ability to create high-value results of an amplified magnitude more focused on creating meaningful, unhindered, satisfying life experiences 8 ways to develop an abundance mindset Here are some practical and effective ways to start creating a life of abundance. Incorporate them into your life and try to witness positive changes. 1. Believe in infinite possibilities Those with an abundance mindset can perceive the highest potential in every situation. While scarcity mindset imposes a perceived limit on the resources available, there are always more options, great possibilities and unlimited resources for the abundance-minded. Training your mind to see limitless opportunities in place of shortcomings can be a gradual process. You can start by deliberately expanding your awareness while relaxing your focus, and then asking yourself how you could approach a situation from a different perspective, in a scenario where you know you couldn’t fail. 2. Understand the power of your thoughts “What you think, you become. The mind is everything,” Buddha taught us. The law of manifestation asserts that our inner world reflects our outer reality, and that our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions determine what we manifest into the physical world around us. Taking time to notice the kind of self-limiting or scarcity-based thoughts you experience would allow you to identify your thought patterns and shift them gradually towards abundance. Abundance encourages the best version of you shutterstock/KieferPix 3. Stop comparing yourself to others Scarcity mindset can compel individuals to constantly evaluate how they compare with others. However, those with abundance mindset tend to only compare themselves with regards to the vision and standards they set for their own selves. 4. Incorporate gratitude as a daily practice Gratitude is a powerful emotion for creating abundance. In fact, there is ample scientific research that establishes the benefits of gratitude as a daily practice, like improved mental health, stronger relationships, and enhanced personal happiness. RELATED: Top 5 benefits of gratitude practice Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the easiest ways to integrate gratefulness as a daily ritual and harness the benefits of an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude meditation can also help you build a habitual focus on appreciation of good things in life. 5. Build win-win situations for all Those with scarcity mindset view life as a defined 'cake' and believe that if someone gets a big slice of the cake, the others are left with smaller portions. Abundance mentality views life as a sum of collaborative efforts instead of competitive endeavors. Creating win-win solutions through interaction and collaboration can lead to mutually favorable results – this way, there is plenty of cake for everybody. 6. Be willing to learn According to Covey, the desire for learning and growth towards mastery experiences forms the basis for abundance mindset. The key to abundance is to make learning a habit and to create mastery experiences in at least one area of your interest. “Abundance mindset is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. People with growth mindset believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment.” James Clear, the author of the best-selling book The Power of Habit explains how the principle of ‘marginal gains’ or tiny improvements on a daily basis can aggregate over time. This brings about a dramatic shift in how we achieve successful results. Indeed, by making 1 per cent improvements in small areas in your life consistently, you could witness exponential growth and create remarkable results for yourself as well as others around you. 7.Create daily affirmations that encourage abundance Scarcity mindset stems from fear; be it the fear of inadequate resources or insufficient skill to achieve one’s goals, etc. An experimental study by J. David Creswell et al pointed out the benefits of self-affirmation in the form of improved problem-solving abilities even in stressful situations. RELATED: How to find meaning in life - 7 strategies Using daily affirmations can help bring about a gradual yet steady shift in your mindset from scarcity to abundance. Start with jotting down your fears and worries. This will help you expand your awareness. Next, make a suitable action plan as a response to these concerns in a way that will enable you to overcome your fear of failure, so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life. 8. Surround yourself with others with abundance mindset “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” stated Jim Rohn, and with good reason. Accordingly, choose to invest your time and resources in building a community of people who elevate your outlook on life and bring out the best in you. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • This will also help you minimize the unproductive time spent with ‘negative nellies’ or unsupportive and unproductive people who add no value to your life and only create stressful situations instead. Surrounding yourself with positive-minded and empowering people will help you develop an abundance mindset. Takeaway: abundance mindset An abundance mindset can have a positive effect on our physical health, emotional well-being, happiness, relationships and even our financial decisions. Keeping that scarcity mindset at bay might seem difficult to begin with, but by following the eight tips above you´ll be able to see that abundance mindset develop and shine through. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Learning | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Failure to self-validate can lead to problems such as impulsive behaviour and the inability to manage emotional responses. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores why many of us fail at self-validation and offers five ways to develop the skills to do it successfully. Most of us are great at validating others. We acknowledge their emotions, recognize effort and success, and support individualism and self-expression. However, the majority of us are equally lousy at self-validation. We all get angry, disappointed, sad, jealous, scared, demotivated. Ideally, one would accept and be able to regulate these emotions. Instead, many people immediately think: “I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m being ridiculous!” As a result, coping with different experiences becomes exceptionally challenging. Reactions seem to be out of control. If you struggle with similar issues, you probably haven’t mastered the art of self-validation. The ability (or inability) to validate ourselves intertwines with much of what we go through in life. In this article, we'll give you five ways to develop self-validation so you can get to grips with this essential skill. Why self-validation is essential In simple terms, self-validation is accepting your own internal experience: your thoughts and feelings. Validation and self-validation are widely acknowledged problems in psychology, philosophy and sociology. The roots of the problem of self-validation lie in the vital human need to be recognized and supported. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • According to Iser’s work in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, recognition has critical psychological importance. Others’ feedback is essential for one’s practical identity to form. We could also touch upon Hegel’s concept of ‘struggle for recognition’. In its simplest, it points us towards understanding the source of our need to be validated. When we are misrecognized by others, our relationship with ourselves is hindered or even destroyed. Self-validation is accepting your thoughts and feelings shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Such strength of humans’ need to be validated by others led many thinkers to voice the significance of self-validation. Rare is a psychologist or a philosopher that would dispute the ultimate value of autonomy and authenticity. The independence that comes with the capacity to be one’s own judge could be expressed with a quote by Fromm: “Obedience to my own reason or conviction (autonomous obedience) is not an act of submission but one of affirmation. My conviction and my judgment, if authentically mine, are part of me. If I follow them rather than the judgment of others, I am being myself.” - Erich Fromm, On Disobedience Real-life outcomes of lacking self-validation skills In slightly more practical terms, the inability to self-validate could lead to a range of adverse outcomes: Negating your thoughts and emotions could lead to a paradoxical effect in which you are even more affected by them, as research has demonstrated. When you deny and suppress your inner experiences, you lose control over them. You could think of it as an instruction to not think about a pink elephant. Your cognition still rests on the negated content. You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life because a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation. You could be more prone to risky behaviours, addictions, eating disorders, to name a few. Your interpersonal skills could also suffer, leading to a range of other problems in your career or relationships. Your love life and friendships could be chaotic, codependent and intensely challenging for everyone involved. “You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life as a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation.” Finally, you might be vulnerable to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, PTSD and other emotional disturbances. When you cannot validate yourself, you are driven to maladaptive coping. This, however, eventually leads you far away from well-being and mental health. Why do we have a hard time to self-validate? There is no definitive response to the question above. A few things could have happened. Attachment style If the inborn need to be safe, cared for, and recognized was unfulfilled, we might have become unable to self-validate. For example, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. How your parents interacted with you as a child serves as a blueprint for your adult relationships. You might not have learned to be self-sufficient and recognize your worth. As children, we need adequate support from our caregivers to develop a sense of security about our emotions, decisions and actions. Research reveals that people with an anxious attachment style have a strong need for social approval. In other words, they need others to validate them. Modelling Another option was that your caregivers did not make it possible for you to mimic self-validation. When we are children, we acquire many traits and habits by modelling. If your primary attachment figure invalidated themselves, you probably learned to do the same. Research shows that emotional and behavioural self-validation and self-regulation are skills that are transferred from a parent to a child. Adult trauma You might have also started doubting yourself due to a traumatic experience at any point in your life. Both anecdotal reports and scientific studies confirm that being a victim of abuse, for example, could make you doubt your self-efficacy and self-worth. Most importantly, your readiness to accept, experience and address your emotions could have been disturbed. When one is in an abusive relationship, they gradually lose their sovereignty. Self-validation becomes a distant memory. Five ways to develop self-validation Although the potential outcomes of a lack of self-validation sound rather bleak, you should not feel discouraged: it is a skill that can be developed. Even if your early experience geared you towards invalidating yourself, you now have the opportunity to change that. Here are five tips to develop self-validation. 1. Practise mindfulness Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen, to validate them. Being present is the first level of validation. This means acknowledging your inner experience without avoidance or distraction. Mindfulness will help you regain grasp over your emotions and build up strength to cope with them. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • Evidence from fMRI studies supports this argument. Individuals who were grieving a loss of a loved one were taught mindfulness techniques for eight weeks. When they were tested afterwards, their scores revealed a significantly better ability to regulate emotions. They also had fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and grief. fMRI suggested that the participants learned to gain cognitive control over their feelings. They were no longer overwhelmed by them. 2. Be brutally honest with yourself Being imperfect stings, we know. Accepting imperfection is exceptionally difficult for most people. Especially so if they were taught that being great at something equals being worthy. If your parents and social environment were too demanding, it might have resulted in unhealthy perfectionism. Such a form of perfectionism has adverse effects on mental health, as confirmed in empirical research. If your sense of self-worth is equated to being flawless, you might have a tough time even noticing (let alone accepting) your blemishes. Nonetheless, when you want to learn the art of self-validation, you need to be brutally frank with yourself. Notice the emotions and thoughts you don’t feel proud of. Admit to yourself your shortcomings. Own up to your genuine reactions and experiences. Yes, there will be many unpleasant facts. It’s alright – no one is watching. It's possible to develop self-validation skills shutterstock/Prostock-studio 3. Develop your emotional intelligence Although there are a few relevant emotional intelligence (EI) models, Goleman’s work is among the most popular ones. He proposes that EI consists of five constructs: self-awareness, self-regulation, social skill (being able to get along with others), empathy and motivation. You can notice how EI is necessary for your ability to self-validate. With EI comes the ability to reflect on your experiences and emotions. Luckily, EI is a skill that can be learned. Therefore, to master self-validation, start developing your EI. When you can accurately name what you are feeling, you can then start to acknowledge and accept your emotional response. As a result, you will build healthy relationships with others without needing their recognition to feel good or motivated. You will build emotional autonomy. 4. Connect with your body’s responses Some people have grown so detached from their inner world that they need to tap into their bodily reactions first. In this regard, some elements of body-centred psychotherapies could be used. According to this group of approaches to psychotherapy, the body is not just something we have. We are our bodies. “Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen.” This means we live as a whole, as an inseparable totality of body and mind. When we learn to validate who we are and what we experience, we should include our body’s responses into the equation. Where are your emotions? What does your body do when you feel in a certain way? How does it respond to people and events? What is it trying to tell you about yourself? You could try a body awareness meditation to help you get started. A combination of body awareness with mindfulness and accurate, honest reflection we suggested above will help you develop a sense of being rooted inside of your own experience. 5. Self-validate by acknowledging your past experiences The final piece of advice in developing self-validation skills is to learn to validate yourself by acknowledging your past experiences. They fused within yourself and made you into who you are now. You now need to practice recognizing both positive and adverse experiences – and their consequences. How will this help you practise self-validation? Let us say that you had an intense reaction to your partner’s criticism of something you did. Try not to think: “You acted like a cuckoo there!” You could self-validate this reaction by saying: “It’s understandable that you felt this way. Your mother/father would punish you harshly for failures, and you are still overly sensitive to criticism”. Use meditation to connect with body's responses shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk Such a validation does not mean that you condone erratic behaviour. It means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You also name the emotion and understand its cause. These are the first steps to get into a self-validating mindset. Additionally, these are the first steps towards growing as a person. These five steps build up towards self-validation development as taught in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). According to DBT, there are three steps to validate yourself and your emotions – acknowledge, accept and understand. This worksheet could help you practice self-validation in everyday situations, as well as with more intense or past emotions. Self-validate to autonomy Self-validation is freedom. Freedom to experience life as it is (yes, the ugliness, too). It gives you self-determination in picking your path. You get to do it independently of others’ influence, be it conscious or subconscious. When you learn to rely on yourself for validation, you gain the liberty to be genuine and own your experiences. Therefore, in the spirit of autonomy that we are propagating here, we invite you – acknowledge yourself and allow your authentic Self to exist! • Main image: shutterstock/Victoria Chadinova happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Living our lives to the fullest begins with what's already here. These seven mindfulness tips from Dee Marques will help you to stay engaged and transform routine activities into satisfying snapshots of life. Have you ever felt that sometimes we simply go through our lives instead of living them to the fullest? Today it's common to live surrounded by distractions that make staying engaged hard, forcing us instead to continually move on to the next thing and overlook present experiences. Incorporating mindfulness through these mindfulness tips will help you to stay engaged throughout your day and enjoy the present moment. Indeed, staying mindful and finding pleasure and fulfillment in everyday things can make a considerable contribution to your overall happiness. Before exploring our tips, let's examine exactly what mindfulness is. The dictionary describes mindfulness as: “The state or quality of being mindful or aware of something” and “a technique in which one focuses one's full attention only on the present, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations but not judging them.” With that in mind, here are seven tips for mindfulness to help you turn routine tasks into enriching daily activities. Read on if you’re ready to increase your awareness, boost your connection with own emotions, and improve your chances of staying engaged throughout the day. Mindfulness tips: 7 tips for staying engaged 1. Start-of-the-day ritual Cultivating enriching daily activities as soon as you start your day is crucial to your levels of engagement and well-being. Instead of waking up and getting on with your day on auto-pilot, why not create a ritual that increases your chances of staying engaged? After waking up, don't reach for your phone and scroll through social media. Instead, do some gentle stretching and notice your body getting ready for a new day. Acknowledge your gratefulness for a good night's rest that allows you to tackle whatever lies ahead. As you prepare your tea or coffee, take a minute to check in with yourself. Pay attention to physical sensations: is your body tense or relaxed? How are your energy levels? Are you hungry or thirsty? Mornings are also the perfect time to incorporate other mindfulness tips such as mindful eating or showering. Bend to mend: morning stretching is a great mindfulness tip 2. Mindful showering Talking of which! Showering is a peaceful way of starting or ending the day, as it allows you to gain an appreciation for your body and to be grateful for having the opportunity to look after yourself. As you stand under the water, do a “body scan” from head to toe and take note of any bodily sensations and your feelings. The warm water, the aroma of your favourite shower gel, and a gentle massage are treats to the senses that would be a pity to overlook. RELATED: Do mindfulness apps work? Taking note of these micro-moments can help you stay anchored in the present and counter the go-go-go mindset. In the shower, it's easier to realise when your mind wanders into the past or future. Use this mindfulness tip to realize when this happens while taking a shower and gently bring the mind back to the present moment. Shower power: stay engaged through mindful showering 3. Gratitude walks and walking meditation Having a busy life doesn't mean you can't enjoy the benefits of meditation. Simply walking and noticing all those things you have reasons to be grateful for is a way of staying engaged with the most meaningful aspects of your life. For example, you can notice your legs and feet taking you forward, a ray of sunshine helping support life all around you, or the different colours of objects or plants bringing variety and making life more interesting. “Mornings are the perfect time to incorporate mindfulness tips such as mindful eating or showering.” To practice walking meditation, find a space where you can walk undisturbed and start walking while focusing on each movement. Lifting a foot, putting it in front of the other, placing your feet on the ground, noticing how your body weight shifts as you walk, listening to your breathing, etc. This can help slow down your mind and sharpen your self-awareness. RELATED: How connecting with nature benefits our well-being As if that wasn't enough, walking itself is a beneficial physical activity that can help maintain a healthy weight and decrease stress. Moreover, some scientific studies have found that walking can strengthen the immune system and reduce the risk of developing breast cancer. And as you probably know, a healthy body feeds a healthy mind, and vice versa. 4. Mindful eating We all have to eat, but our busy schedules often make us rush through our meals leading to all sorts of ailments, from poor digestion to weight gain. To avoid this, practice mindful eating by engaging all your senses in a conscious exercise of appreciation. Try this mindfulness tip on eating a raisin: Take a raisin and hold it in your hands, imagining you’ve never seen one before. Use all your five senses to examine it. Look at its every detail: colors, structure, shiny or dull – can you see through it? Touch it with closed eyes. Try to hear if it makes a sound if you squeeze it. Smell it. See if it smells differently depending on which nostril you use. Chew it slowly, noticing its texture and flavour. Take note of the feelings and thoughts it generates. This technique is a mindfulness-based stress reduction MBSR exercise aimed at improving your ability to focus on present experiences, increase attention levels, and boost enjoyment. Eat and engage: this mindfulness tip focuses on food 5. Mindful driving The daily commute can be a source of frustration and anger, but using this mindfulness tip can turn this routine into one of those enriching daily activities that increase your awareness. Before you start the engine, take a few moments to breathe deeply and state your intention to drive mindfully. Ensure your car is a distraction-free environment – like a cocoon that protects you from the noise outside – so put your phone on silent and don’t switch the radio on. “Staying mindful and finding pleasure and fulfilment in everyday things can make a considerable contribution to your overall happiness.” While driving, there will be situations that cause anger or anxiety, but all you need to do is acknowledge your feelings: remember that you have a choice not to let those negative emotions take over. Stay engaged and drive paying attention to your surroundings. In fact, try to see the streets as if it was the first time you were driving along them, and take every interruption (traffic lights, traffic jams, etc.) as a chance to check in with your sensory perceptions. 6. Mindful appreciation Staying engaged in the present and savouring everything life has to offer is hard when our appreciation is weak. To fix this, find four or five things (or people) that make your life easier or better. These could be small details like having drinking water flow as you open the tap or having a blanket to keep you warm and cosy when it gets cold. Make a mental note of those things, or even better, write them down while you ask yourself: What benefits does this bring to my life? What is special or unique about this thing/person? How would life be without them? How did they come to be? Using this mindfulness tip to stop and think will improve your appreciation for simple (and not-so-simple) everyday things and give you more reasons to feel blessed. Watch your wash: be mindful, even when doing the dishes! © Colourbox.com 7. Staying engaged with technology Technology can be a constant source of distraction and interfere with mindful practices, so it’s important to set boundaries and know when and how to use it. Mindfulness, different meditation styles and happiness apps and podcasts with uplifting content show that technology and gadgets can be beneficial, but making mindful use of technology is also a matter of changing your habits. For example, instead of reaching for your smartphone to take a picture of your food as soon as a plate is put in front of you, take some time to look at the food. Observe how it is presented, think about how it satisfies you, and about how much work has been put into making it reach your table. Likewise, instead of rushing to check your inbox every time a mail notification pops up on your screen, take a deep breath, pause, check in with yourself, and decide if it's worth responding now or later. RELATED: Mindful people are happier due to clearer authenticity Like all other positive emotions, everyday engagement has to be cultivated. Trying to incorporate these seven tips on mindfulness into daily tasks will bring you a collection of memorable thoughts and moments that enrich your life and make it more pleasurable. And, ultimately, these enriching daily activities will allow you to live your life to the full and not just go through it. ● Main image: shutterstock/lolostock Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Authenticity can seem like a risky venture in the current screen-obsessed age, wherein we constantly strive to fit in and be accepted by others. Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s necessary to let go of the fear of being judged in order to cultivate an authentic life. Being authentic in this technology-dominated era can be challenging, especially when we’re constantly bombarded with messages of who we ‘ought to be’, what we ‘should’ desire and how we ‘must’ express ourselves. Consequently, many of us have at some point portrayed ourselves as who we think we are or want to be perceived as, rather than representing who we really are. The downside of portraying who we aren’t is that we’re telling ourselves that the real or true version of us isn’t worthy of being seen. This constant fear of being judged or rejected can chip away at our ability to be our most authentic self. Why is it difficult to overcome inauthenticity? As children, most of us were taught by parents, teachers and other shaping forces like society and religion to ‘fit in’ or conform to a prescribed set of rules and practices. As a result, we ingrain beliefs, thoughts and emotions and exhibit behaviors which allow us to ‘blend in’ and be accepted, be it to form connections, find love or pursue success. This need to fit in and do as we’re taught is stimulated by our “Adaptive Self”, which primarily plays the role of helping us function and coexist in the society in a purposeful way. However, in our constant struggle to carve our niche in the society as we balance our inner-selves and our outer aspects, sometimes we tend to suppress or hide our true selves. This can prevent us from activating our “Authentic Self” and living a meaningful life in tune with our values and purpose. What does being your authentic self involve? “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are,” states Brené Brown, research professor at University of Houston. Brown has spent decades studying shame, courage and vulnerability. Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen. Authenticity means embracing who you truly are Indeed, authenticity is a fundamental component of happiness. A study by Alex M Wood et al revealed that authenticity is an integral part of well-being. Being authentic can also improve self esteem as well as lower stress and anxiety. 8 ways to be your authentic self Discovering our authentic self is essential for happiness and forming meaningful connections. Reclaiming authenticity involves identifying our core values, letting go of borrowed notions of perfection, and changing our perspective to see vulnerability as an act of courage, instead of something to be avoided. Here are eight practical ways you can take steps to cultivate authenticity: 1. Identify your core values Creating a connection with our true nature is essential for building our authentic self. Start by identifying some values that are fundamental for you: which make you happy and which are the values you cannot absolutely compromise upon? Incorporating visualization meditation into your daily routine can help the process of value identification. For example, some of my core values for a happy and meaningful life are honesty and openness in relationships, kindness and empathy for myself and others, gratitude for the gifts I have in my life, along with constant learning for growth. Indeed, your core values arise from your own expectations, needs and experience, and need not be the same as anyone else’s. “Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen.” Once you list down your core values, break each one down into three actionable steps that will help you live these values better. Since I value honesty and openness in my relationships I try to practise mindfulness, deep listening and forgiveness, so that I can live in closer alignment with my core values. 2. Start making conscious decisions Sometimes, we wade through the day in auto mode without even contemplating if our thoughts and actions resonate with our authentic selves. Try observing yourself keenly to learn more about how you react to challenges, what motivates you, the nature of your social interactions, etc. Notice which behaviors and settings evoke responses from your Adaptive Self, and which of these responses feel authentic to you. Once you’ve spotted the discrepancies between your actions and values, you can utilize this self-awareness to devise conscious statements and actions that resonate with your authentic self. 3. Devise and uphold your boundaries “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect,” as Joan Didion, the renowned American writer famously quoted. Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable. Indeed, being your authentic self is not always easy, and living by your principles may require a few difficult conversations, a potential job switch, or even ending a friendship if necessary. RELATED: Uncomfortable truths – how to say 'no' However, by being honest about our boundaries, we’re indicating to our subconscious that it’s OK to not be perfect all the time, thus developing self-validation. Authenticity allows us to share our vulnerability with appropriate boundaries in place, ie, with people who have the same values as you, and those who you feel comfortable with. 4. Instill mindfulness Mindfulness can help you find happiness and contentment in the small joys that each day brings, thus boosting your mood and overall happiness levels. Additionally, being mindful allows you to observe and understand how you feel and react towards various stimuli in your environment. Keeping physical reminders of mindfulness quotes and practising mindful listening are some effective ways to improve self-awareness and slowly cultivate your authentic self. 5. Exercise compassion towards yourself and others Practising self-compassion allows us to be supportive, kind and accepting towards ourselves, in addition to boosting authenticity in relationships. That’s according to researcher Kristin Neff, who was the first to measure the construct for self-compassion. Practising loving-kindness meditation can prove to be an effective tool for reinforcing feelings of connection and kindness with oneself and others, thus aiding the development of one’s authentic self. Practising compassion unlocks authenticity shutterstock/imtmphoto 6. Embrace vulnerability We often shirk away from being authentic due to the fear of being potentially judged or getting distanced from people around us. Start by asking yourself what you are afraid may happen if you put yourself out there in a scenario that makes you feel vulnerable. Next, proceed to imagine what would happen if you avoided expressing your feelings or needs or asking for that raise that you think you undoubtedly deserve. Could the inability to share or express yourself potentially result in depression or self-sabotage? Thereupon, remind yourself why it’s important for you to live your authentic self by overcoming the vulnerability hangover. Further, you can formulate a rational approach or well-devised plan for expressing your feelings and needs, in a way that is in sync with your authentic self. 7. Practise letting go In her bestseller book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr Brown reveals that letting go plays an essential role in cultivating your authentic self. While Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability largely reveal that most people allow their inhibitions to take over due to the fear of being emotionally exposed, she came across a group of outliers who reacted differently to such potentially uncertain situations. Dr Brown calls these outliers ‘the wholehearted’, and she named this way of living the ‘wholehearted living’. “Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable.” According to her research, wholehearted living comprises of embracing imperfections and living life to one’s fullest potential, without letting the fear of other people’s opinions affect their beliefs and actions. Being your authentic self requires you to accept that what others think of you is none of your business, and cultivate the courage to let go of thought-patterns and limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. 8. Set goals for constant learning Developing a growth mindset and being open to self-improvement through ongoing learning can help you attain your authentic self at a sustained pace. Your goals need not just be related to the pursuit of wealth and success – in fact, research points out that non-materialistic life goals lead to happiness as surely – if not more consistently – than materialistic goals. An objective as simple as integrating awe into your daily life can inspire you to learn new things about yourself and life around you. Round-up: cultivating authentic self While we are conditioned from an early age to suppress or hide our authentic self, authenticity is essential for building a life that brings us meaning and joy. Examining our true self to develop authenticity can be a long and cumbersome process, but the rewards in terms of greater life satisfaction and improved relationships make it worth the effort. Main image: shutterstock/ESB Basic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

While many in today's society strive for wealth, the pursuit of money and status appears to actively damage well-being. Conversely, non-materialistic life goals such as spending time with family or volunteering do, it seems, lead to happiness. We've all heard of the saying 'Money can't buy happiness', but is it actually true? After all, so much misery in this world seems to be as a result of lacking finances. Studies suggest that there may well be something in this presumption that you don't need money to make you content. In his paper Life Goals Matter to Happiness, Bruce Headey looks at the issue of subjective well-being, or SWB, and the influences it has on both materialistic and non-materialistic life goals. He concludes that people with non-materialistic life goals report greater contentment in life than those who pursue more materialistic aims. Set-point theory Many studies looking at these issues use a concept called the set-point theory as the foundation of their approach. The set-point theory holds that it's difficult, if not impossible, to alter your levels of happiness. It claims your ability to be happy is fixed early on in life. Increasingly this theory has come into question and under examination. Cash crash: status and wealth does not lead to happiness There are various factors that can play into a person's ability to create happiness. With therapy and other treatments or lifestyle changes, it's possible to work through past situations. Another reason why this theory is questionable is that it presumes that people are not able to significantly improve their happiness levels. With this last consideration, the mind is powerful and can overcome a lot with concentrated effort. It's well worth taking a second look if this theory is applicable. Contentment over time A current long-running German study looks at SWB and examines how both 'zero-sum goals' and 'non-zero sum goals' affect happiness. Zero-sum goals meaning life goals that concern status or wealth. And non-zero sum goals meaning non-materialistic life goals that concern family life or altruistic activities. The study started in 1984. This has allowed researchers to build a broad picture of how the respondents' happiness levels have changed over a lengthy period. As with all long-term studies, this change provides a great field of evidence. In fact, more than any other study on the subject. “People with non-materialistic life goals report greater contentment in life than those who pursue more materialistic aims.” The paper concluded that people who placed a greater emphasis on non-zero sum goals such as family life experienced greater contentment in life than people who preferred more materialistic zero-sum goals. In fact, the pursuit of money and status appeared to actively damage happiness. Which may or may not come as a surprise. It's likely that dedicating one's energy to career and financial goals could only come at the cost of family life. So, why this split between these two life goals? Why so much emphasis on material gain when it only causes damage to a person? As is often said, you can't have it all. Why materialistic life goals harm you So the question is: why do less or non-materialistic goals make people happier than materialistic ones? The probable explanation is so-called 'status anxiety'. This means that once you've achieved a higher level of status, it's no longer enough: you feel pressure to live up to that status, maintain your lifestyle, and indeed to accomplish more. Materialistic goals create a spiral of higher goals, more work stress and less connection. Status anxiety: success can lead to increased stress at work So when you're awarded a promotion and accompanying pay rise, you have to spend money on a more expensive car. You have to move to a better neighbourhood. And, in return, you need to keep working hard to pay for it, in order to maintain this status level. You may begin socialising with people in a higher income bracket and feel the need to present the same lifestyle as them, regardless if your income is adequate or not. And if your stress levels rise, you feel that you cannot give up your high-paying career because you would have to reduce your lifestyle. Once you achieve a perceived high status, it's extremely difficult to abandon it: the upward spiral effect. “Materialistic goals create a spiral of higher goals, more work stress and less connection.” Non-materialistic life goals, on the other hand, are only beneficial to yourself and others. We can feel a deep sense of satisfaction from volunteering our time without any financial reward. We see that helping others creates meaning and meaning creates contentment. This generosity creates the feeling that we're making a difference. RELATED: Why is volunteering important? A harmonious family life has an undeniably positive effect on our well-being. This ensures that we spend our leisure time in comfortable surroundings and with people we enjoy being around. We choose to have a family and close friends. As opposed to the people we are obliged to spend our working day with and may not enjoy their company. Family gains: quality time with family is one key to happiness Conclusions on non-materialistic life goals It's not intrinsically bad to have ambition because this can motivate us. But this ambition should be used in healthy and productive ways. The conclusion to gather from this is that the pursuit of materialistic goals should not be at the expense of family life and non-materialistic goals. The sensible solution is to find a balance between looking after your financial needs and those of your family and looking after your 'soul'. “We see that helping others creates meaning and meaning creates contentment. This generosity creates the feeling that we're making a difference.” The sensible solution is to find a balance between looking after your financial needs and those of your family, while at the same time not forgetting to look after your 'soul'. This three-way balance takes ambition and motivation to achieve. However, the rewards are well worth the effort. High-quality deep relationships are the basis of a happy life. Having a reasonable degree of financial security is essential. Anyone worried about how to meet their bills will guaranteed to be stressed. But material goals should not dominate one's life. As this will only create the aforementioned upward spiral. There's so much to gain from dedicating a fair portion of your time to your family, friends and local community. As these create good, deep connections and relationships, and those are the keys to a happy life, as the Harvard study found. Striking the right balance between material life goals and non-materialistic life goals is essential for creating and maintaining happiness in your life. ● Main image: Colorbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Life purpose | Nature | Family activities | Simple living Written by Guest author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

Instead of striving for happiness through end goals or objects, try cultivating day-to-day well-being. Because, as Calvin Holbrook explains, science shows that happiness really is a journey and not a destination. 'Happiness is a journey, not a destination’ is an often-heard saying, and many people would argue that the search for well-being is the greatest motivator of all humankind. But does this motto really hold true? And what does science have to say on the subject? The expression suggests that humans shouldn’t believe that reaching a certain life goal will award them with happiness. The destination in question could be one of numerous end-points we're often striving for in life: that dream job, buying a first home, meeting the perfect partner, or snagging that huge pay rise you've been working so hard for. RELATED: Money can't buy happiness (except when you spend it like this!) Chances are if you do reach one of your destination life goals, you may indeed feel happier – but only temporarily. Why? Because of our happiness set-point. Happiness journey vs destination: set-point One theory in happiness research puts forward that humans have a so-called happiness ‘set-point’. According to psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, this genetic set-point makes up about 50 per cent of our happiness levels – the rest coming from our circumstances and how we live life. Enjoy the ride: happiness is a journey, not destination. shutterstock Our set-point largely determines our overall well-being, and all of us have different levels. Therefore, those with higher set-points will be happier most of the time compared with those that have a less joyful outlook (due to their lower set-point). Going through our life journey, we oscillate around this set-point. Unhappy life events shift happiness levels below their set-point while positive or exciting events boost your happiness levels above it. RELATED: Is happiness genetic? However, sooner or later, when that event becomes normalized or changes, happiness levels return to the original set-point (for example, when we feel the 'holiday blues' after coming back from the high of a recent holiday). Likewise, once you reach your supposed happiness destination, it may not last, or something may get in the way of the perceived happiness you thought it would bring. For example, after getting what you thought was your dream job, you actually discovered it brought you a lot of negative stress due to the additional workload (and your demanding new boss). That dream new apartment you bought? Well, the noisy neighbours upstairs are doing their best to destroy your peace. Just met your 'perfect' partner? You'll soon discover all the things about them that drive you up the wall! Well, you get the picture. “Chances are if you do reach one of your destination life goals, you will indeed feel happier – but only temporarily.” Additionally, at some point these final destinations may dissolve all together. Indeed, as the only consistent thing in life is change, believing that happiness is a destination rather than the journey itself makes little sense. In fact, this pursuit of happiness – the constant desire and drive to achieve things we believe will boost our well-being and joy – often ends in disappointment (the so-called ‘happiness trap’. ) Improving your journey to happiness As discussed, according to Lyubomirsky, our genetic set-point is responsible for around 50 per cent of our happiness. The remainder depends on our circumstances (10 per cent ) and our life activity (40 per cent). However, some studies suggest that by changing our day-to-day life activity – focusing on our journey and not a final destination – we can boost our internal set-point to a higher level and become happier. Indeed, there are many smaller, everyday activities we can choose to improve our general well-being. So, here are five that you can employ right away. 1. Be kind Studies show we can fix our happiness set point higher by helping others. In fact, according to one — analyzing data from the German Socio-Economic Panel Survey – the trait most strongly linked to long-term happiness increases is a regular commitment to altruism. It showed that the more compassionate we are, the happier our life journey seems to be. RELATED: The benefits of kindness This was backed up by another study by Sonja Lyubomirsky published in the Review of General Psychology in 2005. When she had students perform five weekly acts of kindness over a period of six weeks, they noticed a significant increase in happiness levels compared to a control group of students. 2. Practise gratitude Cultivating gratitude is scientifically-proven to increase your happiness journey, and is one of the simplest life changes you can make as it requires little effort. “As the only consistent thing in life is change, believing that happiness is a destination rather than the journey really makes little sense.” According to a 2003 report in the journal of Social Behavior and Personality, grateful people tend to appreciate simple pleasures (defined as "those pleasures in life that are available to most people”). Indeed, a study published in The Journal of Happiness Studies showed that writing a daily or weekly gratitude journal can make finding happiness easier. 3. Meditate Starting your day with just five to 10 minutes of meditation will help you to develop your happiness. Try meditating in the morning shortly after waking: the immediate heightened inner clarity it will give you will set you up for the rest of the day. In fact, the benefits of meditation are many. There are numerous studies that show that it can boost happiness levels by reducing stress hormones, shrinking the part of the brain that controls anxiety, and by stopping rumination, amongst other things. Inner focus: meditation will help your happiness journey And, according to Psychology Today, meditation is the strongest mental practice that has the power to reset your happiness set point, thus turning you into a more joyful person: regular meditation practice can literally rewire your brain so you can become happier. 4. Build quality relationships If happiness is a journey and not a destination, then it’s the people that are with you on your journey that can make all the difference. Science is clear on this: you can find and maintain happiness through developing quality relationships. Humans are a social species and need regular contact. In a 75-year, multigenerational study, Robert Waldinger measured happiness levels in people from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. He found that the most joyful were those with high-quality social connections. 5. Choose happiness Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who devoted her career to working with end-of-life patients, found a theme in those coming to the end of their lives: they has a deep regret about not ‘letting’ themselves be happy. Ware, the author of The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying, penned a blog for the Huffington Post, in which she wrote: “Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. “Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again ... Life is a choice. It is your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.” RELATED: Cherophobia – the fear of happiness explained Conclusions All to often we are led to believe that by obtaining goals or possessions we will feel happier. But the reality is – and science agrees – that when we reach those destinations, our happiness levels quickly return to their original set-point. Indeed, happiness often leads to success, but success does not always lead to happiness. Instead, research shows that the best way to maintain consistent well-being is to focus on the everyday changes you can make in your life, with altruism, gratitude and quality relationships being important factors: happiness really is a journey and not a destination. In fact, research in the field of positive psychology has shown that happiness is a choice that anyone can make. As psychologist William James put it, “The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human can alter his life by altering his attitude.” ● Main image: shutterstock/Olga Danylenko happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Friendship | Empathy | Deep listening | Loneliness Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our magazine, as well as being an artist, lover of swimming, nature, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Friendships are a powerful aid in maintaining both mental and physical health, as well as our happiness. Dee Marques explores why nurturing friends throughout our life is essential to our well-being – understand the science-backed power of friendship. A few weeks ago I met a 97-year-old lady and asked her what it’s like to reach such an age. Her reply surprised me: “Well, my body isn’t what it used to be, but I've gotten used to that. What I can’t get used to is realising that all my friends have passed away.” This got me thinking about the power of friendship, and why friend relationships are so important to humans. In fact, research shows that we’re designed to exist in groups. For early humans, isolation meant death, and social bonds increased the chances of protection, finding food and survival. In short, there was safety in numbers. Today, the power of friendship isn’t directly linked to survival, but it’s still an essential aspect of human existence. The power of friendship: what happens when we feel lonely? Humans are designed to thrive in the company of others, yet many people say they often experience loneliness. In fact, in the US, it’s estimated that 50 per cent of all Americans feel lonely. And in the UK, a study found that 9 million people (14 per cent of the population ) said they were lonely either always or most of the time. Furthermore, a UK YouGov poll from 2019 found that an incredible 22 per cent of millennials felt that they had no friends at all. The power of friendship: having close friends is important for mental health The power of friendship is such that lacking meaningful social bonds can negatively affect our physical health as well as our mental health. In fact, loneliness causes an increase in stress hormones, which send white blood cells into overdrive and wreak havoc in the immune system. Additionally, feeling isolated can put us at a higher risk of experiencing physical and mental health problems, ranging from depression to stroke or heart disease. And it’s even been suggested that loneliness-related sleep problems may be caused by an ingrained mechanism that dates back to our early ancestors, who didn’t feel safe when alone, so they had to keep their guard up and actually avoid falling asleep! What are the benefits of powerful friendships? So, not being able to experience the power of friendship can be harmful to our health. But what are the benefits of friendships? In fact, the simple action of sharing thoughts, emotions, and activities with others reinforces positive feelings and makes good memories easier to remember. Sharing also reveals the authenticity in us, allowing us to know ourselves better and to find insights in our friends’ points of view. There are also health benefits involved: some studies found that seniors with large network of friends were more likely to outlive those without social support. “The power of friendship is such that lacking meaningful social bonds can negatively affect our health. Feeling isolated can put us at a higher risk of experiencing physical and mental health problems.” We are social beings, so friendships are key to happiness. There’s relief and strength in knowing that you don’t have to handle the ups and downs of life on your own. And it seems that what we do now with regards to friendship will be reflected later in life. • JOIN US! Join the caring happiness.com community and make new friends • Researchers at Harvard University followed up on a group of 700+ people as they went through different stages of their lives and consistently found that people who felt isolated experienced a decline in physical and mental health towards mid-life, whereas those who were happy with the quality of their relationships when they were 50 were healthier and happier in their 80s than those who didn’t. Friends: quality vs. quantity If the power of friendship is so great, does that mean that the more friends we have the better we’ll feel? Not necessarily. Isolation has never been as widespread as it is today, despite the popularity of social media. This is called the social media paradox. Depression and anxiety are on the rise (especially among teenagers) and researchers have linked this to the increased use of social media, which often results in unrealistic comparisons with other people thinking their lives are better. This causes feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection and unhappiness (and may help to account for those lack-of-friends stats in millennials mentioned earlier). Friendships are powerful but must be nurtured © shutterstock/Flamino Images As plentiful as they might be, the reality is online friends aren’t enough, and real-world connections will always be more powerful. Indeed, although social media offers the possibility to stay in touch with friends and even to make new connections, it shouldn’t be seen as a replacement for real-life friendships. In fact, what really makes a difference is the depth of the connections we have with others. Some psychologists claim that just having one meaningful friendship can make a world of a difference. Additionally, variety within friendships is also important. It’s natural to look for people who are 'like us', but it’s helpful to expand our circle of friends to include people with different backgrounds, interests, etc. Age-gap friendships are also beneficial. Each of them will bring something new into our lives, making for a richer social experience. • CONNECT DEEPLY Make connections with like-minded and inspirational people • Interestingly, the founder of a friendship site said we tend to replace half our close friends every seven years. As we go through different stages in life, our needs and interests change, so we’re more likely to be drawn to different types of people. Nurturing friendships Friendships have to be nurtured so they can grow healthily. Just like a plant, putting the seeds in alone is not enough. Ongoing care and attention are needed, so it’s crucial to make a conscious effort to invest time in our friendships. We can’t expect relationships to survive without investing in them. So, always aim to be there for your friends (both new and old), be a mindful listener, prove they can trust you, praise them, write or tell them what their friendship means, and spend time doing things together. Of course, sometimes friendships break down for different reasons and it may be that at some point you need to think about when (and how) to end a friendship. “Developing and nurturing meaningful social bonds can help you live a richer life. Take your time to invest in making new friends and nurturing existing ones.” And yes, making and nurturing friendships gets harder as we get older. Remember how easy it was to make friends as a child? Try to approach relationships as you did when you were younger: being less self-conscious, more open, and generous with your time. Volunteering is an important and fun way of making friends as an adult, as you’re likely to find people who share your concerns and values. Conclusion: the power of friendships Developing and nurturing meaningful social bonds with others can help you live a richer life, both physically and emotionally. While it’s unfortunate to see how widespread loneliness and isolation are, there is an upside to it: there are many people out there who may be feeling as lonely and in need of support as you are. So, why not do something about it? Take your time to invest in making new friends and nurture existing ones. You will all feel the benefits for years to come as the true power of friendships is real and proven by science! ● Main image: shutterstock/Olena Yakobchuk What does friendship mean to you? And what are the qualities of a best friend in your opinion? Have your say in our fourm. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Intimacy | Attachment styles Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Tired of negative news? These feel-good stories from November highlight the positive things happening in the world. Ed Gould shares his Top Ten round-up from the month. November was full of feel-good news. If you thought that there was too little happiness and not enough to cheer you in the mainstream news outlets, then read on to discover some of the positive stories you may have missed. 1. Police use mindfulness techniques to help officers According to the i newspaper, five constabularies in the UK have been trialling mindfulness training in order to prevent burnout and to boost officer retention. The training is there to save money in recruitment and training costs in the long run but the other benefits of mindfulness may mean that it's soon extended to other police forces. 2. Steel made without fossil fuels in world first Although steel is needed for many renewable energy products, it's carbon-intensive to make, usually requiring coal to be burned to generate enough energy. In a global first, an Austrian steel-making firm has powered its furnaces entirely from hydrogen – a clean source of fuel. According to Manufacturers' Monthly, a consortium of partners developed the project along with €18 million of EU public funding. 3. Whale species faring better than expected Not that long ago, the humpback whale was close to extinction. The species tends to inhabit the southern Atlantic but is found elsewhere these days, too, as its numbers have grown. Scientists now estimate that the largest breeding group currently numbers around 25,000 individuals, a surprisingly large figure given how low it had previously dropped. Conservationists say that this attests to the success of bans on commercial whaling. It's thought that current methods of estimating whale numbers are more accurate than ever before because it's done with technologies deployed in the air as well as at sea. It's (hump) back: this whale species is on the rise shutterstock/Chris Holman 4. Bacteria harnessed to help climate change In feel-good news for anyone who thinks that carbon capture technology will help to save the planet from the worst outcomes of climate change, scientists have altered the DNA of a bacteria so that it survives solely by consuming carbon dioxide. According to the Independent, Israeli researchers have altered E-coli so that it can consume CO2 in a similar manner to plants! RELATED: Feel-good news from October 5. Canada pushes for green aviation fuel According to Renewables Now, a non-profit group called the Green Aviation Research and Development Network – funded by the Canadian government and the aerospace industry – has launched a new project designed to augment the supply of sustainable aviation fuel in the country. The so-called BioPortYVR project will set up regional supply chains so that biofuel can be made in the country without relying on imports. 6. Playing games helps thinking, study finds Scientific research conducted over decades has found that playing board games which involve memory and problem solving can help you to retain thinking skills in old age. Psychologists from the University of Edinburgh studied over 1,000 people in their 70s to come up with the findings which focussed on non-digital games such as bingo, chess, cards and crosswords. University of Edinburgh's Dr Drew Altschul said: “These latest findings add to evidence that being more engaged in activities during life might be associated with better thinking skills in later life.” RELATED: Cognitive impairment – 5 ways to reduce the risk as you age Game on: playing chess could help retain thinking skills shutterstock/Freeograph 7. Simple test for breast cancer could be a game-changer Although screening for breast cancer is common, medical researchers have long sought a simpler and more reliable solution. According to The Guardian, a simple blood test could replace the current method and provide an accurate idea of whether the disease is present in women five years ahead of it becoming noticeable. A team from Nottingham University’s School of Medicine looked into the presence of antigens in the blood to make predictions about clinical signs of breast cancer later becoming apparent. Their findings were presented at a national cancer conference in Glasgow in November, and the team successfully spotted the condition in a number of women in their sample group and were also able to show when it was not present accurately, too. 8. New hope for endangered gharials A type of crocodile has been discovered in Nepal, an area where it was thought to have been wiped out, according to reports from the BBC. The gharial is a species that resembles a crocodile with a large snout, and it has few places in the world where its habitat is still suitable. The discovery of around 100 hatchlings of this endangered species has therefore brought a great deal of happiness to conservationists in Asia looking to protect them. A member of the Zoological Society of London found the baby reptiles basking in the sun in Nepal's Bardia National Park. RELATED: Feel-good news from September 9. Audio used to breathe new life into coral reefs Researchers have long been worried about the prospects for coral reefs under the challenge of global warming. However, so-called dead patches of corals are being brought back to life by playing sounds via underwater speakers. Australian scientists are using the audio associated with healthy coral reefs to lure fish back to them. This can then kickstart the ecosystem and lead to a revival, according to reports in the Daily Mail. Sounds great: music is helping a coral comeback 10. UK museum returns items to indigenous Australian communities So-called restorative justice is a big talking point in the museum sector these days but it rarely happens. However, in a significant move that could lead to more museums following suit, the Manchester Museum has decided to return dozens of artefacts to the descendants of their original owners. The museum held a ceremony in which around 40 sacred and ceremonial items were handed back to representatives of several indigenous Australian communities. As reported by Museum Next, the repatriation of these items coincided with the 250th anniversary of Captain James Cook's first European voyage to Australia. ● Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

The authors of a new book, Wired to Create, explore the depths of the creative mind and offer ideas on how to kick-start your own creativity. From daydreaming to having a natural curiosity, here are 10 things the authors believe that great artists, writers and innovators do differently. “In the course of creative endeavours, artists and scientists join fragments of knowledge into a new unity of understanding.” So Vera John-Steiner wrote in her 1985 book: Notebooks of the Mind: Explorations of Thinking. In it, John-Steiner explored the mind of over 100 artists and creatives through interviews. No creative process is the same, and so for a long time this has mystified creativity, and the mind of those whom over the course of history have been known to exercise it. In the book Wired to Create, Dr Kaufman and Carolyn Gregoire research deep into recent findings in neuroscience and psychology to discover and unravel the layers of the creative mind. The book not only offers an informative read but also practical tips on getting the creative juices flowing. “In the course of creative endeavours, artists and scientists join fragments of knowledge into a new unity of understanding.” Dr Scott Barry Kaufmann is a cognitive psychologist, author and speaker known for his research on intelligence and creativity. His co-author Carolyn Gregoire is a journalist who wrote the article “18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently” for the Huffington Post that originated the book. “Is it possible to make sense of something as abstract as creativity?” the writers wondered. Creativity: the four-stage model The book introduces psychologist Graham Wallace’s popular “four-stage model” of creativity. It proposes the following stages: preparation, or acquiring information about a subject incubation, or letting knowledge sit the illumination stage, in which an insight has been found after associating different ideas verification, in which the artist shares the insights found The model, simple and straightforward, reminds me of a list that offers creative boosting tips such as taking a walk or listening to classical music. Even though these tips and models are helpful, they overlook a simple and common finding: creative processes are rarely linear. Indeed, Kaufman shares a post specifically on the messy minds of creative people. Artists: what lies behind their creativity? When we see results in an art exhibit or final pieces that are complete and cohesive, it's easy to forget that the ride to get there is rarely a formula, and that it varies from artist to artist. Wired to Create highlights complexities and goes in depth about the different and opposing ideas that exist within the creators, (play and seriousness, collaboration and solitude, openness and sensitivity) without being dry. In fact, it's rather upbeat, full of memorable quotes and also some practical advice. So, here are the 10 things great artists and other creative types do differently: 1. Imaginative play The book starts by going back to when we were kids. The line “A spirit of childlike curiosity and exploration is palpable in each of his highly imaginative creations” refers to Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of Super Mario Bros. Miyamoto drew inspiration from his childhood, when he used to wander in the forest and play inside caves. The authors write, "For creative minds, creating itself is an act of play". English professor Brian Boyd puts it this way in his 2009 book, On the Origins of Stories: “A work of art act likes a playground for the mind, a swing or a slide or a merry-go-round of visual or aural or social pattern.” This points out how crucial imaginative play is during childhood, quoting psychologist Sandra Russ, “Pretend play is where many of the cognitive and affective processes important to creativity occur… because the child is making something out of nothing. 2. Passion Systematic studies confirm the importance of passionate focus when it comes to creating, as it helps the creator through challenges and setbacks. 'Follow your passion' is one of the most widely circulating clichés out there (not to mention one of the most unhelpful pieces of career advice). While the latest science supports the importance of passion in achieving any personally meaningful goal, it also suggests that this thinking is far too simplistic. “Mastering the skills necessary to create something valuable takes hard work; passion and effort feed off each other.” Apart from this, the authors make a distinction between different types of passion and its companion, inspiration. The new book Wired to Create investigates the things creative people do differently 3. Daydreaming All those times you let your mind wander at school during class might have been of benefit. Studies such as the one discussed by the Smithsonianmag on The Benefits of Daydreaming suggest that letting your mind go where it wants to go indicates a high functioning memory. Dr Kaufmann and colleague Rebecca McMillan noted mind wandering can be anything but mindless, in fact, it can be suitable for creative incubation: “Many of us know from experience that our best ideas come seemingly out of the blue when our minds are off wandering elsewhere.” Research suggests that an incubation period of mind wandering leads to improvements in creative thinking. The next time you’re working hard on a creative project or work assignment that requires intense focus and creative chops, try taking a five- minute daydreaming break every hour or so and see how it affects your ideas and thinking. During this break, engage in a simple activity that will allow your mind to wander like doodling or cleaning. Daydreaming: letting your mind wander opens it to creative inspiration 4. Solitude It's hard to be alone nowadays, or truly experience solitude when 'connection' seems to be at your fingertips 24/7, and we make our lives public, voluntarily. Even if many celebrated artists and thinkers are an example of somewhat solitary lives and culture tends to underestimate alone time. Of course, meaningful collaboration is important for creativity in many settings, and it’s essential to bring different perspectives together. However, the act of creating requires us to find time to ourselves and slow down enough to hear our own ideas --- both the good and bad ones: “Some degree of isolation is required to do creative work because the artist is constantly working on ideas or projects in his mind – and these ideas need space to be developed.” Taking some time off to recharge on your own can be very productive and prioritising this can lead to many benefits. You don’t need a vast getaway, start by a much needed social media break. Solitude: finding time alone is important for the artists to focus on creative ideas 5. Intuition Intuition. That little voice or 'gut feeling' ready to guide you and make decisions sometimes based on past experiences. Some psychologists refer to it as a 'mental matching game'. People often tend to debate how much of their intuition they should follow or how much or their rational mind should lead. Moreover, Wired to Create considers theories of cognition that suggest we have two mental processes, one that is quick and that drives us to action almost automatically, and one that is more controlled and rational. This chapter is particularly interesting as it discusses in detail how these processes act together and help us assimilate information in different ways. For example: “spontaneous methods are useful when we are coming up with ideas, while refocusing and using our rational mind help us figure out how to make these ideas come to life.” Both processes are valuable at different times in the creative process, and finding a balance is crucial in any creative field. 6. Openness to experience Allan Watts once said, “By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity, we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives, or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us.” For his doctoral dissertation, Kaufmann lead a research study with exciting results about “open” personalities: “The desire to learn and discover seemed to have significantly more bearing on creative accomplishments than did cognitive ability. People with high levels of cognitive engagement with imagination, emotions and beauty were more likely to make significant artistic, creative achievements than people with high IQs.” Findings suggested that openness to experience, the drive for exploration, in all its forms, may be the most important personal factor predicting creative achievement. Creative people are naturally curious and open to new experiences, such as traveling 7. Mindfulness By being an observer of our own minds and surroundings, we might answer what it means to be a human being in a moment in time. Artists, innovators and thinkers are inspired by the world around them by paying attention and observing their outer and inner world thoroughly. Ideas, thoughts and emotions are all part of it: “But the capacity to deeply observe (mindfulness) is not only a key attentional skill, but it’s also a distinct creative advantage.” Psychiatrist Norman Rosenthal’s research on Transcendental Meditation – a popular technique that involves the silent repetition of a personal mantra – found that many new meditators reported “flowering of creativity” after beginning their practice; an ability to see from a novel angle, to pursue new directions effectively, to innovate or change – either the world or themselves – in some meaningful way. Some other similar types of meditation such as Open Monitoring activate the imagination network by permitting some mind wandering while also boosting attention. A capacity for mindfulness is a distinct creative advantage 8. Sensitivity “The perception of sensitive minds has created works of art that offer a window to the human condition.” Apart from proposing research that is beginning to understand the neurological basis of high sensitivity, Wired to Create also presents questions to get a sense of where you are on the Hyper Sensitive Narcissism Scale of Jonathan Cheek. 9. Turning adversity into advantage Trauma is not something that should be glorified, yet creative work can be a way of exploring and giving expression to it once it finds meaning: “Adversity in its many forms can become an act of turning challenges into opportunity for creatives.” Nietzsche said that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Apart from idealisms and watered down self-help inspiration, growth after adversity has been thought of from ancient thinkers to recent psychological research in which they called it post-traumatic growth. 10. Thinking differently By challenging traditional ways of thinking, creative work defies the status quo and can pave the way for a change: The creative act itself is one of breaking from tradition and routine to create new patterns, ask new questions, and seek new answers. People who spend more time consciously thinking differently were far more likely to engage in associational thinking, the book says. Drawing from different experiences or knowledge can result in new connections that help creative problem-solving. Light bulb moments: artists often think differently Even if there is more than characteristics to consider when it comes to creating anything, the book’s overview of extended research on the topic is well organised and easy to digest, making it a smooth read. Moreover, it encourages the reader to not only think of it as a means of achieving but to live creatively, as it is not something that belongs just to a select group but to every human being. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Guest Author We are happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you are interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

Can creating targeted gratitude affirmations boost our well-being? Sonia Vadlamani explores the science behind practising gratitude in the form of positive affirmations and offers insight on how to do it yourself. “Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions.”, stated Zig Ziglar, the renowned motivation speaker. Several religions and spiritual gurus advocate gratitude as the ‘social glue’ that binds people and communities together for greater good. However, there is more to gratitude than merely being a cultural construct – researchers agree that one’s ability to be grateful is strongly associated with their physical and psychological health, happiness, and overall life satisfaction levels. What is gratitude? Put simply, gratitude refers to taking the time to reflect on and appreciate all positive aspects of your life. While it also includes social niceties like thanking others or random acts of kindness, gratitude entails expressing appreciation towards ourselves as well as other positive developments and experiences around us. Numerous studies have reinforced the importance of gratitude for our physical and mental well-being, as well as our happiness and overall life satisfaction levels. However, researchers consider gratitude to be a fundamental resource, especially because it can be incorporated with ease in our daily schedule without much fuss in the form of positive affirmations, journaling or meditation. How does gratitude work? To begin with, gratitude can help us overcome the ‘hedonic treadmill’, or the human tendency to become desensitized towards positive things that happen to us over time. For example, dreaming about getting a promotion at work, driving a snazzy sports car, owning a sprawling bungalow, etc. must have made you happier than actually attaining these things, since we are conditioned to return to our baseline contentment quickly after a sharp surge in happiness levels. Practise gratitude affirmations in front of a mirror shutterstock/fizkes Practising gratitude may help slow down hedonic adaptation, thus enabling us to maximize our happiness for all the noticeable milestones as well as the simplest pleasures in life. Furthermore, gratitude can help us overcome negativity bias, or the human tendency to focus more on the negative outcomes and experiences, allowing us to gradually develop a more optimistic point of view. Gratitude can also regulate our mood, improve health and even boost our productivity levels. Moreover, being grateful creates a lasting impact on the human brain, as per a study conducted by Joshua Brown et al at University of California. Using an fMRI scanner to measure the brain activity of participants who wrote gratitude letters, researchers noticed that those who practised gratitude were more sensitive towards recognizing acts of gratitude, which may contribute towards improved mental health in the longer run. Gratitude and the science behind positive affirmations While they may seem like products of “wishful thinking” at the outset, gratitude affirmations are positive statements that can create a powerful impact on our mind and outlook. As humans, we tend to subconsciously ingrain negative thought patterns and self-limiting beliefs which hamper our growth and happiness. Positive affirmations are essentially messages to your subconscious, meant to challenge your habitual ways of thinking and behaving. A review study by DK Sherman et al revealed that positive self-affirmations can considerably broaden an individual’s overall perspective. Additionally, repeating these positive statements over a period of time helps reinforce new neural pathways in a process called cognitive restructuring, which enables the mind to actually rely on these statements in stressful times, making it easier to cope with the duress. “While they may seem like products of 'wishful thinking' at the outset, affirmations are positive statements that can create a powerful impact on our mind and outlook.” Indeed, positive affirmations can help us lead more authentic lives by encouraging us to focus on areas which hold greater personal value for us, instead of seeking validation from others. Adding an element of gratitude to these self-affirmations can magnify positive emotions further, enabling us to cherish the present more and invite happiness and abundance freely into our lives. 23 gratitude affirmations you can try Gratitude affirmations are aimed at limiting self-sabotaging thoughts through conscious repetition and replacing negative beliefs with constructive statements or resolutions. You can choose to include specific areas in your life, like building confidence, financial freedom, body positivity etc. and design affirmations centered on bringing improvements in these areas. Here are some examples of gratitude affirmations you can repeat: Affirmations for daily gratitude I’m grateful for my secure and safe home. I’m thankful for access to clean, hygienic water and nourishing food. I’m grateful for the wonder that my body is, all that it accomplishes and is capable of. I appreciate the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and my ability to pause and savor it. Gratitude affirmations for love and relationships I’m grateful for the love and affection I receive from my loved ones, which I try to reciprocate to the best of my ability. I’m thankful for nurturing loving and supportive friendships, and I try to support my friends to the best of my ability. I appreciate the unconditional love my pets have for me, and how they enrich my life with their warmth and loyalty. I’m deserving of cultivating long-long-term connections. I’m thankful for attracting healthy relationships in my life. Positive affirmations can help you focus on self-improvement Gratitude affirmations for manifesting success While my thoughts may vary through the day, my grateful spirit is reflected in every decision I make and each action I undertake. I realize that learning is a constant process, and I’m thankful for the lessons I learn every day. By appreciating everything I have and all that is working in my favor, I tap into abundance and invite great opportunities into my life. I believe I am the creator of my success and happiness. I’m thankful for all I have achieved thus far and grateful for the ability to manifest my goals for the future. I’m grateful for the support and dedication by my teammates or employees to achieve our collective goals and milestones. Gratitude affirmations for confidence and positive outlook I’m thankful for the person I am today, and the person I am constantly evolving into during this journey of perpetual self-growth. I’m positive that the Universe is looking out for me and grateful that it’s sending out the best possible outcomes my way. I understand and appreciate that I can achieve everything I set my mind and heart to, provided I go in fully prepared to put in the hard work required to achieve it. I realize that each obstacle in my journey thus far has been an opportunity for learning and developing resilience, and I’m grateful for these life lessons. Gratitude affirmations for financial freedom I’m perpetually amazed by and grateful for how abundant my life already is. I’m thankful for a positive cashflow, and I’m inviting abundance every day with my focused thoughts and consistent actions. I enjoy a constructive relationship with money and I’m grateful for the wisdom to spend my money wisely. I surrender any resistance I may have towards attracting money. I’m thankful for my ability to create the financial freedom I deem myself worthy of. How to practise gratitude affirmations Fortunately, gratitude affirmations are simple to define and easy to implement as well. The key to making your affirmations more efficient involves identifying your core values or problem areas that you wish to target. Positive affirmations can help you focus better, find your flow state, help you combat stress and anxiety – the possibilities are endless. A great way to make your affirmations more effective is to repeat them out loud as you face the mirror, also known as ‘mirror work’. “Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you aware about your intentions and reflect your feelings, strengthening your connection with the affirmations”, advocates Louise Hay, healer and author of bestselling book Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life. “Positive affirmations can help you focus better, find your flow state, help you combat stress and anxiety – the possibilities are endless.” Maintaining a gratitude journal is another way to strengthen your affirmations, as writing about gratitude can aid improved emotional regulation and better adherence to goal-setting. Start by sparing 15 minutes of your time every day to jot down at least 5 gratitude affirmations in each area you wish to focus on. It is important to set self-doubt and judgment aside while you do this – consider this to be an honest reflection of your feelings for the day. Gratitude meditation is another reliable medium to supercharge your affirmations. Indeed, research points out that focusing on one’s blessings and positive events in life can improve their well-being. Getting started with gratitude meditation routine is easy. Choose a convenient time (preferably early morning or before bedtime) and dedicate at least 10 minutes of your time to focus on your chosen gratitude affirmations. Takeaway: gratitude affirmations Gratitude is a powerful emotion – indeed, developing an attitude of gratitude can revolutionize your overall well-being and happiness levels. It's important to be consistent and patient with whichever practice you’ve chosen to proceed with, as the benefits of gratitude affirmations can take a while to become apparent. Thankfully, building your ‘gratitude muscle’ is an enjoyable and free process, and the rewards you reap will make it worth the effort. • Main image: shutterstock/krackenimages.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Motivation | Altruism | Lightwork Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.