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I'm asking for advice on how to move on. My wife and I split in February, and she has already partnered again. For me, she was my first girlfriend, I never had anything before her. I was basically a monk. Since then I have been in world of conflict in my head. For the most part I'm ok, but when I glimpse them together my heart jumps out of my chest, and I skip a breath. I'm trying to be civil and friendly because we have a child, but I'm struggling with anxiety every time I see her. Can anyone tell me what I could do differently or better? It's all new to me. I'm great at helping others, not so great at helping myself.

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15 hours ago, Brackers said:

I'm asking for advice on how to move on. My wife and I split in February, and she has already partnered again. For me, she was my first girlfriend, I never had anything before her. I was basically a monk. Since then I have been in world of conflict in my head. For the most part I'm ok, but when I glimpse them together my heart jumps out of my chest, and I skip a breath. I'm trying to be civil and friendly because we have a child, but I'm struggling with anxiety every time I see her. Can anyone tell me what I could do differently or better? It's all new to me. I'm great at helping others, not so great at helping myself.

Hi. What is the reason you split?

 

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Not One specific reason, but it wasn't cheating or violence, and a lot of it was my own mental battles. But she just stopped loving me as a wife according to her. It was a major shock.

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Thank you Joejoe. Well, I'm here, and I am working on my issues. You are right, no-one else can live my life for me. I'm eternally grateful I discovered meditation and from that some meaning in Buddhism. I still struggle with my identity, but the letting go is proving hard. I'm fine until I have to see her and the new partner. I keep telling myself it's ok to let go, and I really do forgive her, but Forgiveness for yourself is difficult. I have turned the corner, do thanks for sharing.

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I agree with jojo. When I split from my now ex husband I wasn't upset though I went through a dark period after which was grieving for the loss of my marriage. My marriage however left me mentally and emotionally scarred and it's now been 5 years since we split, but it's only been the last year that it's all fallen in to place. I allowed my self to go on a spiritual journey and meditated and practiced yoga everyday. I read up on different spiritual groups and found a way that spirituality worked for me as I don't do organised religion. I only wish I had started it sooner. The only way you will be happy is to give yourself as much time as you need to rediscover yourself, find what works for your soul and spirit and it will fall into place. I'm now a totally different person and better for it. I hope you find your happiness soon. 

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Thank you Sacredshe. It's good to know that you are recovering from your experience. I think I'm on the right track. Many people have told that it takes time. What I'm learning is it's what you do in that time that is more important. So thank you for taking the time to comment.

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I I will share with you a little bit of what helped me at the time of my divorce with the hope that it may help you as well.  A divorce is an emotional roller coaster. Some days are better that others.  On the bad days you can be depressed and lonely specially on weekends. So, one thing that was very helpful to me was to plan my weekends with simple fun things to do.  You can do them with a friend or by yourself.  Go to the movies,  visit towns near or even a little far and google ahead of time fun things to do in that town.  Just plan your days with fun things to do and this can help you emotionally so you don’t feel so sad and lonely.  Another thing that helped me was to truly understand that my ex and I are both good people even if things didn’t work out.

Sometimes we just lack the maturity, skills, compassion and understanding to handle challenges that are so common in a relationship .  As time goes by you will gain clarity on why things didn’t work out and this in return will help in accepting the situation without blaming yourself or her.  The good news is that no pain lasts forever and when the time is right give yourself the gift of a new love.

start now little by little creating your new happy life  👍

 

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Thank you Rina. You have given me some good advice, thanks for sharing. 🤗

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Posted (edited)

Hi brackets, I am also in this category, you are not alone... With of course the same stumbling blocks as you have... Looking back on the relationship as a whole though I now realise that we wer both very different where emotional and spiritual needs are concerned. We both have very different and good things to offer as people but together in later years the what should have been completely relaxed, felt very forced and unnatural. To this day there has been no reason given nor closure. But a constant feeling of nusiance,  past attempts to converse and find out why someone would blow hot and cold wer met with anger and warnings not to 'anaylize my behaviour, it won't stand up' isolation and long long periods of silence  just for asking what was wrong .btw never got an answer untill they wanted intimate interaction, then it started all over again, silence for weeks on end, so all I could do was accept and move on. I planned my days off, I planned time for my children although they are grown, I listened to many motivational speeches and meditated, read spirituality books I tried some new interests... I will see him again as usual and hear him spout his demands while unknowing partners are in the hidden like me in the shadows, It makes me feel sick to my stomach.... But someday it won't 😊 I refuse to be used to inflate someones egotism or to potentially cause hurt and destruction for another human being. The hardest part is accepting I spent 18yrs out of 28

hoping the craziness would stop. 🌻🌈 Xx

.

Edited by Laina
Left something out.
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18 hours ago, Laina said:

Hi brackets, I am also in this category, you are not alone... With of course the same stumbling blocks as you have... Looking back on the relationship as a whole though I now realise that we wer both very different where emotional and spiritual needs are concerned. We both have very different and good things to offer as people but together in later years the what should have been completely relaxed, felt very forced and unnatural. To this day there has been no reason given nor closure. But a constant feeling of nusiance,  past attempts to converse and find out why someone would blow hot and cold wer met with anger and warnings not to 'anaylize my behaviour, it won't stand up' isolation and long long periods of silence  just for asking what was wrong .btw never got an answer untill they wanted intimate interaction, then it started all over again, silence for weeks on end, so all I could do was accept and move on. I planned my days off, I planned time for my children although they are grown, I listened to many motivational speeches and meditated, read spirituality books I tried some new interests... I will see him again as usual and hear him spout his demands while unknowing partners are in the hidden like me in the shadows, It makes me feel sick to my stomach.... But someday it won't 😊 I refuse to be used to inflate someones egotism or to potentially cause hurt and destruction for another human being. The hardest part is accepting I spent 18yrs out of 28

hoping the craziness would stop. 🌻🌈 Xx

.

Hi Laina, I can follow up on this post, in the last few months things have become easier, and I have more clarity. I realised I don't have to feel the way I do. Yes there are memories, and every now and then I have to interact with her, but I don't have to avail myself of all those feelings. After one year, I'm making new friends on my level, I have a truly inspiring step sister, and I have a more positive and powerful outlook on life. It's not about her, it's about me. I'm learning to like myself again, and improve. And I have to say, it's going ok. Goodluck on your journey

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I’m contemplating divorce in Oklahoma https://onlinedivorcer.com/online-divorce-oklahoma. My husband and I own a couple of properties (with debt). While we own the properties 50/50 the largest of the properties (and the most profitable) has been in my husband’s family for over 100 years. My husband has offered to sell the smaller property and this will reduce some of our debt and he will take over the other debt. I will walk away debt free but with nothing else.

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Don’t do that !!!    Sell both properties and both of you keep half of the debt.  OR 

sell the small property and he can give you cash for the second property for whatever 

the current value of the property is.   

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