Complicated relationship

[Maltija85]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for other people’s views and advice. My girlfriend and I were supposed to be getting married in June but a couple of months before, she completely shut down (due to mental health problems) and would not speak to me about what was wrong and we argued a lot because I needed answers and she couldn’t give them to me. I tried everything, including buying a notebook for us to write our feelings down, so that we would know how the other is feeling, without it turning into an argument. But I was the only one who wrote in it and even after reading how low I was feeling, she did nothing to acknowledge it. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it as we were due to be married and I didn’t want my friends or family to have bad feelings about her, in my defence.
Eventually I cancelled the wedding and had to tell people, as it was getting closer and I wasn’t sure what was going on with us. Obviously then my friends and family got angry and upset for me as they then saw how much I was suffering and knew how excited I was for the wedding and how much work I put into it.

In the end, she decided to move out and get her own place, to give us some space to work things out and start fresh. Which upset me more but I agreed that we needed to do something, as nothing was changing how things were.

It has now been nearly 6 months of living apart and I don’t feel anything has changed (for better or worse) I just don’t feel like I’m in a relationship anymore but she seems much happier.

She says she loves me and knows that she self destructed and pushed me away but she wants to fix things but I am a very all or nothing person and feel hurt, as I feel like she ran away from our relationship and started her own life but still expects things to be the same!!! 

We have been together for 7 years and had been through a lot together. I just can’t understand what happened.

We both suffer with mental health problems and chronic pain conditions but it seems to me that the decision she made, to move out, was putting her own needs first before our relationship.

 Please feel free to ask questions, as I have tried to cut a long story short. I just wanted people unbiased opinions 

[Brackers]

The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go. Start working on yourself. A similar thing happened to me, but after a while of losing my way and feeling numb, I took the decision to empower myself, to make me better. It's really hard to let go of one you love. If I'm honest, I still love my ex. But when they tell you " I don't love you and don't want to be your wife ", there's no point trying to convince them otherwise. So my advice to you is, turn you attention towards yourself. You won't be able to fully understand what happened with her. Mine has told me several different things that aren't quite the truth hopefully to make me feel better about it. But it doesn't matter. Another person can't make you happy. They can add to happiness, but can't make you happy.

 Letting go is your best option. If it's meant to be, it will be.

 Everything in life is temporary, and everything changes. I wish you luck with whatever happens.

[Maltija85]

Thank you hun.

Im sorry to hear that you have been in a similar situation. I hope things will get better.
I am going to use this time to do some self discovery. I’m feeling at peace with it all at the moment because I know I did all I can to try to make it work and now I will see what will be. This year has been an emotional rollercoaster and I’m exhausted from it all. I don’t think I even have the energy to be upset anymore. I focus so much on trying to make everyone around me happy, that I forget to take care of myself but I have been reflecting a lot on that lately and know I need to be kinder to myself.

 Thank you for your time and well wishes 

xXx

[JohFlow]

Hi Maltija.  Sorry to hear about this struggle. I apologise if this post sounds blunt. It is coming from a good place and it's to stop any time wasting for you. Sounds like she has responded to commitment by running away.

You can't force someone to communicate when they are struggling internally. Some mental health states make it near impossible to verbalise/write what you are feeling or thinking.  When people dip really low they can get to a place where they separate from their own feelings as a defence mechanism.  I know this can be hard for a partner; because you can feel helpless when you don't have what you need to help get back on track. 

You set up a notebook but you were the only one that used it - this should tell mass amounts about her will to invest in repairing the relationship.  A relationship does not work when only one wants to work on it.  I would suggest that her lack of contributing was a way of emotionally distancing herself.

Telling people about the faultering relationship near the wedding date must have been incredibly difficult - and I am sorry that you had to approach that on your own.  That must have been heartbreaking and you must see yourself as very brave.

She made the decision to move out; she needed space. She seems to be staying at that distance - because it suits her.

You can love someone but not be able to live with them.

At this stage; if she is truly intent on 'fixing things' then the onus is now on her to tell you what she is prepared to do. If she has no plan/it is not convincing enough for you that you have a right not to invest anything further.

And then we come to the crux of the matter.  Do you know what you want from a marriage?  Is she able to offer you that?  Is it worth putting in more effort?  How do you feel about starting again and being alone for a while to let the dust settle?

Taking time now to return to a happier self really is the best thing for you.  And I wish you a steady and strong recovery. So that if you choose to move on; the next woman has someone very special x

 

[Maltija85]

Thank you for your kind response.

Having the distance has given me the chance to notice what all my friends and family have always seen. That I’m the more caring, loving, supportive and generous one in the relationship and that I deserve to have to same effort put in for me. Some even think that it was an emotionally abusive relationship but I think that might be a bit excessive. I’ve always had the anxiety that, everyone that’s not family leaves and that I care more about people than they do me and she just fed into all of that!

I am now taking time for self discovery with mindfulness and meditation, travelling  etc... making some like minded friends and I’m feeling more at peace about everything.

I hope your having a wonderful Christmas.

Best wishes,

Marushka

 

[JohFlow]

Sometimes a bit of distance can be a bit sobering. Sometimes people come to 'abuse' conclusions very speedily.  Only you know if that term sits with your experience of not (no need to comment there). Can you imagine how frikkin' awesome it would be to have all your efforts returned by someone you have a strong desire and connection with? All power to you in 2020 Marushka. It's lovely to hear you filling your freedom now with things that keep your wellness at its peak.

[Maltija85]

Thank you for your kind words and wishes ?.

All the very best of wishes to you.

xXx