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Posted

I'm not quite sure if I can offer relevant life advice to someone who survived a time double my age, but I'll try. 

 

People want to be happy. So they follow people who are happy and who organize fun events.

 

If you are sad most of the time, don't expect others to make you happy. If you want happiness, you will have to make it yourself. Nobody knows you better than you do. So you can be your own best friend who takes care of you. Care about yourself like you care about others or even more. Comfort yourself with a nice bath, some ice cream or whatever makes you happy. If you like movies, take yourself out to the cinema or go with a partner if you have one. 

This way you will feel cared for, you will feel respected and that's the moment when you are truly independent and happy. 

 

And with your new happy and positive energy you will attract friends. And some of the friends who enjoy the time with you might also be with you in bad times. And these are the ones to keep. 

 

Good luck. 

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Posted

I know he said that he was half of your age, but I'm 45 and that was absolutely amazing advise that suedsee... fgave...follow it, I really believe its worth a try!

 

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Posted
vor 13 Stunden, schrieb Betty:

I know he said that he was half of your age, but I'm 45 and that was absolutely amazing advise that suedsee... fgave...follow it, I really believe its worth a try!

Thank you. That was one of the nicest things someone ever said about me here.

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Posted
On 8/16/2022 at 5:15 AM, Janeames said:

I am 62 and feel that I have no real close friends. I always find that I have to be the instigator of phone calls and conne ting with people. If I wait to see if I hear from these people who I conne t with they don't contact me. It's been like this for 30 years.  I help people out are friendly and join many groups of interest like photography hiking etc.  Am I typical?  Anyone else have this experience and how do u deal with the sadness 

Hi Janeames, I think it's a safe bet that there are many people out there feeling like this. Happiness is not always as others coin it.  Being quiet and unobtrusive can be unsettling for those always seeking to be seen and heard.  Of course the dynamics are much more complex than that.  I deal with loneliness through the practice of acceptance.  More so inner work.  The latter not so easy when bogged down in low states of energy and emotion.  These negative aspects of being for sure inhibit our ability to make substantial connections with other people.  Thankfully I have discovered I don't need many people in my life to find substantial peace.  Such an insight not welcome in busy groups that thrive on every day clichés of joy and bliss.  That said, one or two connections can greatly improve our health and wellbeing.  I just practice being myself as best I can be, but not to be better, thriving, successful or anything of those things.  The few friends I have had for decades now to which I can count with just a few fingers on one hand, do not go to parties, sing or dance, we just accept the others for who they be, we take heart that we understand the things that others are so quick to disown.  I hope this finds you as well as can be.   I use nature over all and stay true to myself despite the push to fit in.  Practice stillness and you'll come to see that square pegs do in fact fit into round holes without the need to be something or somebody else. 

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Posted

 

 

 

Tjanks for youd replies everyone I do not come across on the outside as sad. I'm just sad inside.  In fact if people knew that I felt lonely they would think I was the last person who felt this way.  And i do lòok after myself I hike everyday meditate and have hobbies bug I believe that humans need connection and community to stay mentally healthy we are social animals and that's what I am lacking despite putting in a lot of effort. It's painful when I hear others have their little groups and I am constantly on the outside. It seems very high-schoolish and r surprised that this kind of thing still exists in our 60s. I am feeling that I have to accept that I won't have those close relationships but wondered if others had this experience and although I do appreciate the advice, believe me, I have pursued and still do carry out self exploration different tactics and self preservation.  Regards

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Posted (edited)

Narr - in todays world being what it be with the internet and all it's devices, such thoughts exist in all age brackets today and those thoughts more out of control.  If I could just say ...Self preservation is quite the opposite to my context when speaking about self exploration.  Like letting go is what I have found key in terms of acceptance.  That said, I respect your take and perhaps not quite reading you well. 

 

I am 53 having aged well before my time with a story I'd rather let go.  I live in a house with my wife, daughter and grandson all doing the best we can to get along.  I kind of have to laugh out loud at that one.  My wife has a debilitating disease with support peoples that come to our house.  She and I sleep in different rooms and we no longer have sex.  It would so happen that intimacy was something very important to me and that whilst for sure  we could still be intimate, my wife's happiness has taken a huge hit with such all the challengers she now faces.  It's been going on for years where each passing one sees her condition slightly worsen.   

 

By the way I am not trying to compare here but simply share.  I've been in my own room for years now having to accept that I will no longer have sex again and also my wife's depression combined with my own (as is how energy works kind of thing - no ones fault - or perhaps often mine - certainly not my wife's which is why I am still here - it is what it is) that, that once intimacy that I found so empowering and or comforting was no gone.  I can't hug my wife as am often pushed away.  I don't need the sex because I'm a person that can get enough just by being close and being gentle kind of thing.  Long story short - Life's happenings regardless whatever can in some sense rob us of such things.  Perhaps that term 'rob' a bit strong as it's only in my self reflection that I have found the power to be here for all my family as they too also seem to get enough from us all simply being present.  

 

Alas, I too still have fantasies about meeting someone else who might be able to afford me the interactions that most of us subscribe to being emotionally connected that is in a  more inspiring and immune boosting kind of way.  

 

I seem to of digressed - my apologies.  I guess the point for me is if I took to heart all the the recommendations regarding cutting out negativity out of my life, that would mean leaving my wife, my daughter and grandson whom are all in great need to some extent.  

 

I've done a lot of self reflection on such none of which I consider as self preservation but more for the greater good.  Perhaps more complex than that but not wishing to write a book.  I've come to accept my situation and in doing so have less a need for what more people think is community.  The foundations on which today's community is built is based more upon economics than human values with the latter no more than a deceptive sale.  

 

So too I think it is the way with people and interactions when it comes to exterior values Vs that which lay within.  The time I take out in order to sooth myself is more about letting go of what most strive for.  Often it involves allowing myself to experience the pain of my self as well as those I love knowing too that like you, I also wish for that something that feels missing.  

 

I don't know really ... grasping at straws myself.  I feel it is good to look after self in order to help others but not when it just becomes only about me.  Yet it's OK to console ourselves if not always caught in a state of commiseration which too can help ... but many times more a trap.  I find the general consensus on happiness can often be like that too.  We don't want to preserve ourselves as much as be ourselves.  Does that make sense?  For me and mind you ... it's been quite a while.  Just recovering from heart attack symptoms myself.  I'm just winging it here but is mostly why I write and feel as I do.  

 

It seems the more we open up and be our true selves the less in need we become ... the less validation we need. Unfortanley most of our online content is all about the need for validation with an algorithm that instills reward and punishment. Very much on a community level but that is another story: How Google, Facebook Turned into Behavior Modification Empires.  No link required.  This aspect very present in most forums as well. 

 

I shower too - but on odd days. 0-0 ... yet my ability to convey the truth in a mindful way seems to be unscathed.  Or at least I hope.  We have become very much an exterior race.  

Kudos to you for opening up.  I often feel the same way despite my claims but making gains through mindfulness or mindless activities that fall within my own ideals.  All the best with your own. 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Ponder
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Posted
vor 4 Stunden, schrieb Janeames:

Tjanks for youd replies everyone I do not come across on the outside as sad. I'm just sad inside.  In fact if people knew that I felt lonely they would think I was the last person who felt this way.  And i do lòok after myself I hike everyday meditate and have hobbies bug I believe that humans need connection and community to stay mentally healthy we are social animals and that's what I am lacking despite putting in a lot of effort. It's painful when I hear others have their little groups and I am constantly on the outside. It seems very high-schoolish and r surprised that this kind of thing still exists in our 60s. I am feeling that I have to accept that I won't have those close relationships but wondered if others had this experience and although I do appreciate the advice, believe me, I have pursued and still do carry out self exploration different tactics and self preservation.  Regards

I know this situation too.

I have friends and some of them are really close to eachother and even though they are my friends we don't share everything.
Everyone should have a best friend. When I got to know my now fiancee, she became a friend and I could make her a best friend by frequently showing interest and caring about her problems. She wouldn't share everything from day one, but I kept asking and so we shared more and more things over time.

It's not easy, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

 

So if you would like to be someone's best friend, frequently show interest, ask about his/her day, guide them through problems and be there for him/her.

Of course it will have to be someone, who likes you.

You can't force it, but if you want to improve your chances for someone to like you, you can ask him/her for a favor.

This way you show weakness, which makes you more human and more likable.

Also it feels good to do someone a favor and people tend to like someone they've done a favor for.

That's because it feels more natural to the human brain to have helped someone you like than to have helped someone you don't like.

 

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Posted

Ponder. I too, for the most part, stay centered I agree this is much harder at times.  I am also thinking that I  not alone. The Beatles song line "all the lonely people, where do they all come from"   resonates with me. 

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Posted

Ponder. Sounds like u r a good man with a lot of responsibility and stress. I am not if ubwant advice about your predicament since u shared so such and I am not qualified to give it. But I would say that your family should pull together (not saying they dont) and allow you time to have outside time. If you fall ill whose going to be there for them etc.  

Thanks for your advice I agree resigning  to one's predicament does give u a feeling of equanimity but it is hard to stay there because humans are social animals. I wish u all the best and send u positive thoughts thank u for sharing. 

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Posted
4 hours ago, Janeames said:

Ponder. Sounds like u r a good man with a lot of responsibility and stress. I am not if ubwant advice about your predicament since u shared so such and I am not qualified to give it. But I would say that your family should pull together (not saying they dont) and allow you time to have outside time. If you fall ill whose going to be there for them etc.  

Thanks for your advice I agree resigning  to one's predicament does give u a feeling of equanimity but it is hard to stay there because humans are social animals. I wish u all the best and send u positive thoughts thank u for sharing. 

Actually the adversity that my family and I go through have made us closer than most families.  I have been with my wife for well over thirty years now and whilst we face many hardships, we also have a bond that most people do not.  The loneliness that wells within most us is more instilled from the world outside our front door that uses all kinds of media (including songs) that do more to lead us along on a string yearning for the things we do not have.  It matters little where lonely people comes but more the dynamics that make them feel that way.  Such assertions in the way they are delivered (especially through pop bands and the like) are all about grouping people in a contrasted way that creates the dilemma to begin with. That's where lonely people come from.  This not well understood as we sub consciously resist and wish each well.  You are most welcome and thanks for your kind words.  

It's great to be talking honestly once again as doing so makes me happy.  

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Posted

Ponder. I too, for the most part, stay centered I agree this is much harder at times.  I am also thinking that I  not alone. The Beatles song line "all the lonely people, where do they all come from"   resonates with me. 

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Posted

Ponder. I too, for the most part, stay centered I agree this is much harder at times.  I am also thinking that I  not alone. The Beatles song line "all the lonely people, where do they all come from"   resonates with me. 

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Posted

OK - Understood.  If not for how we link songs and use the messages to convey for us I might perhaps be in a position to better understand.  I'm different like that.  It's a nice tune to be sure. I find true resonance comes from within.  For those into science I beleive the revelations on the human body and resonance come from the Vagus Nerve.  The vagus nerve helps to regulate internal organ functions, such as digestion, heart rate, and respiratory rate and so on.   There are many ways to activate this nerve.  Music is certainly one of them.   I typically use vibrations without all the words to find a resonance that rings true enough for me.  Humming actually brings me a lot of pleasure but more so peace.  I say use whatever works. 

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Posted

Hi Ponder 

 

Yes I do believe in resonance and vibrations. We all know how draining some people can be when they r on the wrong negative vibration. Nikola tesla had it right about frequency vibration etc. Tell me more about where u get your frequency and vibration from. What mhz 

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Posted

Hi Ponder 

 

Yes I do believe in resonance and vibrations. We all know how draining some people can be when they r on the wrong negative vibration. Nikola tesla had it right about frequency vibration etc. Tell me more about where u get your frequency and vibration from. What mhz 

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Posted

I use to play guitar quite a bit when in my youth.  Learning difficulties made it hard for me but I just played anyways for quite a few years pretty much mastering the same songs until a point my OCD gave way to the Native American Flute.  Although a different set of harmonics, the latter instrument game me an opportunity to play much more at easily still allowing me to feel the vibrations  through my body as I played. I used to love that about the guitar.  I'm sorry I can't quite remember the exactly number of key frequency.  Numbers are also something that confuse me like words.  Chuckles at the irony.  That said I'm pretty sure it was earthy enough.  I miss my flute as I passed it on.  I got a little too self conscious with it as I live in a very cramped community and on that level I am very private.  I've only just returned to taking time out in a way that allows positive energy in.  On that note I apologize if my tone has been hard on the ears.  Without using any instruments or making any noise, I have an ability to sit quietly and simply take in the sea breeze and lapping waves.  I live on the edge of a coastal region.  At other times I'll just sit among the trees.  I've been using biannual feed back techniques so long that I actually miss the silence when out walking.  I beleive there is a term today for activities without ear buds - Naked Walking.  I think I first head it when I used to be a runner - Naked Running. Of course with clothes on.  That's not to say people nude down at the beach do not vibe as well.  I can't really say as I've never tried that yet.  

 

Please forgive the lengthy text if not your thing.  It's very early here.  This morning I got up at 3am as still adjusting to a new routine.  Actually ... sunlight has been a thing for me of late.  I find this probably my number one asset when it comes to resonance.  I used to do sungazing although do not recommend it. Sky gazing is much less risk but yields as much benefit.  Is not hard to get lost at the right time of day, in the right position with face towards the sun and some binaural beats.  But like I say, I also value silence when doing such things.  Is kind of a balance act so I don't get too lost but that said I also enjoy the experience of being lost.  Hard to explain.  Jon Kabat-Zin and Eckhart Tolle are authors that help keep me grounded in this respect.  I also like Alan Watts but find I do better having to repeat his lectures and or come back to them after a while.  In fact I often do this with all three of those authors.   

 

Again ... sorry to go on.  🙃

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Posted

Lovely reading your texts. No worries. I will seek out the frequency I need. I do meditate and hike often on my own  and need a daily practice so the frequency listening will help. Thanks for your thoughts much appreciated.  My internal balance does need attention but the lack of close friendships is always there. They r I believe two different t issues. One is inside the other outside. Take care. Regards. 

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Posted

I’m 37 and have always lived with this in adulthood. Ultimately people do want to attend events more than say having a one on one  chat/catch up with someone. I have felt sad about this too! I had hoped people would value one on one time as I got older but it’s actually less so. I try to accept that people want and need escapism and recently pushed myself to tag along to things that didn’t initially appeal - it’s fun once there! Having a monthly or bi-monthly event can help. This doesn’t solve the sadness but understanding that other people just have their quota of people to check on full already might help

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Posted

 

Hi Charlie.  Understanding does indeed help.  I don't always get it but the notion to be open and accepting is what helps me most. My friends and I are very much into one and one despite anothers wishing to come on over when we meet.  We like it when they do and in fact will often ring when we meet to let them know they are welcome to meet up too.  More often than not we tend to laugh more heartedly when it is three but my closer connections are generally when it's two.  I sense we understand this about each other which is why we have been friends for so long and yea - what you say make sense even with our tiny group.  We often go from two to three when needing a bit more of a boost so understand why others like to seek out the crowed as they do.  Whilst the dynamics are different with increased or fewer numbers, I think mixing it up can be a thing.  I tend to think not so much in terms of age but will add I think the wiser among us will be found in smaller groups.  But that's just my take. 

Nice to meet you regardless of your own preference.  Full respect and all that. 🙂

 

 

 

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Posted

It sounds like you really need people to regularly connect with. You say you like photography and hiking, and I myself like to spend time in nature, walking in a local forest park whenever possible ( I'd rather look at trees than cars ). You say you join many groups, but do you mean online, or in person ?

 

You may consider searching for groups local to your area that meet regularly to take part in or discuss hobbies that interest you.

 

Good luck,

 

Mike

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Posted

Too bad the topic starter is no longer on board. It's an interesting topic. I have friends, albeit few. If I had to run after them to have contact, I would ask myself if they are friends at all. Friendship isn't measured in how often you're in contact, but friendship is a give and take. It cannot work otherwise.

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Posted

No matter.  We can still talk.  The other side of the coin.  It can work.  It just takes a lot more patients and a lot of humility.  These things I have struggled with but have still made such connections work in the long run and made them meaningful when others would of given up.  Typically such an effort I only put in with those very closet to me.  Family and long time friends whom for all their faults are no more fallible than me.  I try to extend this willingness to remain open with acquaintances but due to delusions on what receiving and giving is often find those bouts quite draining.  Main stream consumer narratives and attitudes do not help.  Those kind of mindsets result in a 'got to give to get' and this I would propose is where complex relations begin.   

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Posted

Of course we can continue to talk about this topic. Friendship is a nice topic, even if real friendship is very rare.

Often the first thing to look at is what the person has, what is the person like, do I benefit from having him/her as a friend. I personally think that it doesn't matter what a person has or is. Respect, honesty and tolerance are important. Everything else can be found.

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Posted (edited)

Thx Windows 7 - really appreciate the insight that the way you worded that.  

Edited by Ponder
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