I'm usually helping people, but today I just want to vent

[Ro****]

I'm working with a client who makes me feel crazy. I don't remember who else said this but I remember reading that "the worst I feel after our sessions, the better my client feels". And I feel the same way. 

 

It's tough as this person just keeps replaying the same movements of hurt in their lives again and again and again. And so I tried everything, but this person just keeps coming back to me with the same problem, same complaints, and they just make me feel bad. 

 

To give you an example, they are a POC, and they have a big issue with the white community, with racism, sexism, and overall other people's behavior, with me being the white male, meaning that I'm exactly the type of person she has an issue with. 

 

And so I try to show compassion by relating to her feelings and trying to reframe her feelings, listening, and letting her vent out. It gets very dark sometimes and I just keep on being sucked into all this drama, not really able to break through, as this person isn't allowing herself to follow my advice. 

 

Sometimes, she doesn't even want to let me talk, but just uses me as a way to express all her negative emotions, saying that while she knows that she knows what she must do, she just doesn't want to pull the trigger, rather revisit the same hurt again and again and again. 

 

I mean, I tried to play emotional chess with her, whereas I try different approaches trying to break through. And while there is arguably some progress, the effort has to be bilateral, with her listening to me, doing the exercises, and overall wanting to break free from these emotions to a degree that they actually do something about it. 

 

Anyone else has a similar problem?

[su****]

So you are a psychiatrist?

I can't really comment the problem since I don't know what you told her to do.

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm a friendly and empathic person, so I know what it's like to absorb other people's problems. In my experience, you can't force people to do the (in your opinion) right thing. Listening already helps them a lot, because they are not alone with the problem anymore. And all you can do is suggesting different ideas to solve the problem. I learned that people are stronger than I expected. So even though something sounds horrible to me and I imagine the person suffering 24/7, the person is doing better than I expect.

Maybe you can find a role model for her. Someone she can identify with.

[da****]

I don't have a similar problem, but I spent some time last year in a reading group and we delved into books by people of color. I also spent some time in online groups reading articles by people of color specifically written for white people designed to get us to think about things from their point of view. I also go into groups on Facebook and when I see that someone has been victimized by police or in another situation as a person of color and they are angry I go into the posts and listen. Would I learned in all of this is that what they need is someone to listen not to be guilty or to say I'm sorry or to tell them how they can fix their problems or anything but to just listen. Now I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist so I know you have a different way of coming at it, but I would imagine that you have to just listen over and over and over and over and maybe present the same advice over and over and over and over especially as a white person listening to a person of color and that is an extra part of your job, whether unfortunately or fortunately for you. We, as white people, are required to pay for our forefathers sins I have learned.

[Ch****]

1) you can't put unwanted pressure on yourself because your client stresses you 2) it's not good for yourself or your mental health. 

 

Just remember to take a break every once in a while, it's good to refresh and calm down your brain.