As long as I can remember I've had a longing, an appetite for the darkness, for 'forbidden fruit' and the so-called bad. Maybe that's why I got into so much trouble growing up. I met shady guys who took advantage of me and became more and more destructive, until I realized that I didn't even knew who I was anymore. My journey to accepting my sexuality might be dark, but it ended with such a wonderful thing.
I was jumping between men, hoping to find something I was longing for, needing, actually. Someone who as good at giving me spankings as well as giving me sweet kisses. Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed – what I was begging for, I just jumped on the next guy. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with doing that if that's your thing, but for me, it only broke me down even more.
Until one day, it just clicked. The day when my fiancé came into the picture everything changed. He saw me – through my body – past all the walls that I'd built up. He saw that little girl and nurtured her, took care of her. And that was probably where our fetish for DDlg started – without us even knowing.
“Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed, I just jumped on the next guy.”
Mr. B, as I call him, knows the exact amount of comforting that is needed after a rough night in bed. He understands, and views it as a privilege, that I'm his sub. That I chose to submit only to him. I'd been in the BDSM lifestyle for a while before I met Mr. B. Even still, I never totally understood what aftercare meant until I met him. For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person.
Some say that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. For me, it's the exact opposite. Someone loving me has made me look at myself in a different way. And now I'm empowered. I'm strong. And I'm proud of my sexuality.
At the very beginning of my sexual journey I knew I liked things hard; the 'forbidden fruit' of the bedroom. But I didn't really experiment with it. It was the same thing every time: being tied up, spanked, whipped and once in a while, a slap on the cheek. I liked it, but I didn't really feel satisfied, not completely satisfied.
Then I met my fiancé. We lived on different continents and therefore sex became a lot more verbal. We experimented, and still do to this day, without our bodies even touching. Somewhere along the way, I started sorting out what my kinks were, and which were not.
When we finally met for the first time, after a long period of long-distance dirty talk and sex-cam action, a new journey started – the physical journey. Not until we were secure in our knowledge of each other's bodies and minds did we feel that we were ready to take the next step: master/slave. We made a contract and everything. But we, especially Mr. B, felt a little intimidated by it, like it was too much of a commitment to drop the role-playing and live like this 24/7. In the middle of the situation my fiancé took the infamous 'BDSM test'.
“For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person.”
I was laying in bed, minding my own business, when he started poking me with his finger. "You've gotta read this!" It was about Daddy Dom/little girl. I read it and halfway through it was like everything was suddenly clear. This! This is what we are. This is what we already live 24/7.
From the beginning, I was totally terrified. Fetishes like that are so misconstrued. But the more we talked about it, the more we realized that it wasn't that much of a choice. It's just who we were, we'd started living it freely, naturally.
Today I've let my princess side out more and more, which I hid earlier by wearing tom boy clothes and not acting girly at all. That princess in me has come out and is free, and now I'm so happy. It wasn't that much to overcome. It was more like poking at it a bit to come out and play. And if there's one kink that makes you feel complete, makes you feel satisfied in more than the sexual aspect, go for it. After accepting my sexuality I feel free, happy and unstoppable. ●
Main image: Colorbox.com
Princess E is a Swedish freelancer who focuses on DDlg, which she's living 24/7. Most of her writings are based on her experiences with her Daddy; Mr. B. Runs a blog and can be found on Twitter.
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