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Can 12 ideas be described as constituting pillars of well-being? Ed Gould examines the ideas of leading psychologist Rick Hanson that can help you optimize your happiness. An expert in his field and creator of the 12 pillars of well-being, Rick Hanson is the author of several books on happiness and well-being. In Hardwiring Happiness, for example, the eminent psychologist discusses how recent scientific studies have led to a greater understanding of the correlations between neural structures and mental well-being. A senior fellow of the Greater Good Science Centre at University College Berkeley, Hanson's scientific ideas have featured in many news features around the world, such as with the BBC and CBS. He has spoken at Oxford, Stanford and Harvard universities, to name but a few. Gratitude: one of the 12 pillars of well-being However, Rick Hanson is probably best known as the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, an institution that is centred on his idea of the 12 pillars of well-being. Along with his other best-selling publications, Just One Thing, Buddha's Brain and Mother Nature, Hanson produces a free newsletter that has over 100,000 subscribers. Throughout his published work and regular newsletters, Hanson's extensive career has been leading many to the 12 pillars of well-being concept. What are the 12 pillars of well-being? What is it that Rick Hanson can teach us about happiness and contentment and how do the 12 pillars of well-being help us to achieve them? Let's examine Rick Hanson's concept in the first place. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } “Hanson's 12 pillars of well-being are designed to create a simple path that will enable you to grow a dozen strengths needed for better well-being.” The first thing to note about the Rick Hanson model of well-being is that it is two-dimensional. This is not to say that it has no depth, rather that you can imagine the 12 pillars of well-being laid out on a grid. Across the top of the grid are the names of the “Four R's” which constitute the grid's four columns. According to Hanson, these represent the mainstays of well-being: Recognising Resourcing Regulating Relating Running horizontally are three core needs we all have: Safety Satisfaction Connection From either the core needs or from the category of well-being, it's then possible to get to each of the 12 pillars. For example, where Resourcing coincides with Connection, the pillar is named as “Confidence”. Alternatively, where Regulating and Safety intersect, the pillar would be “Calm”. Because the 12 pillars of well-being are arranged, or, more accurately, can be thought of in this way, it's possible to truly understand which each one represents. “Mindfulness” and “Motivation” are both pillars that connect to the core need of Satisfaction, for example. The 12 Pillars of Well-Being: Dr Rick Hanson How to use the 12 pillars of well-being Hanson's 12 pillar concept is designed to create a simple path that will enable you to grow a dozen strengths needed for better well-being. However, they are not simply healthy habits to get into or new ways of thinking about the world. The pillars are designed to make alterations inside your brain so that you can get the most out of your life. Primarily, Hanson is using the well-known medical phenomenon of neuroplasticity within each of our brains to reorganize neural networks. He's showing us how this can be done for improved mental and lifestyle outcomes. Much as someone who has suffered a brain injury will learn how to perform certain tasks using other parts of their cortex, so the 12 pillars of well-being can help us to rewire our brains for beneficial effects. How does this work? .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } “Hanson's pillars of happiness remind us that our neural networks need rewiring from several different angles at once to achieve a true equilibrium.” You may already work on your self-development in particular ways. For example, you may have embarked on a programme of self-compassion by reaffirming positive things about yourself each day. Under Hanson's 12 pillar model, you are “Recognising” the core need of “Safety” by being self-caring in this way. Every time you go through a ritual of self-caring or take the time to compliment yourself, then you're reinforcing a neural structure at a physical level within the brain. Equally, if you're working on scientifically-proven techniques to improve confidence, such as working on your support network more regularly, then Hanson's model would ascribe this to “Resourcing” your core need for “Connection”. However, these are just individual examples of rewiring neural networks. The point is that having the 12 pillars of well-being in place will help to make sure that you're not missing out on any single element. Love yourself: self-care is one of the pillars of happiness All too often, we identify a need for our inner well-being and focus on that. Although this is perfectly understandable and very human behaviour, it's not always the best route to overall mental well-being. Hanson's pillars of happiness remind us that our neural networks need rewiring from several different angles at once to achieve a true equilibrium. Indeed, he points out that 12 essential elements, or pillars, lie at the heart of improving ourselves, not just one or two. Think of it regarding an athlete training for a competition. In this analogy, if they only work on one or two muscle groups, then they may find improved physical performance in some areas. However, if they neglect the other parts of their body, then they could find themselves going backwards in others. RELATED: The Attitude of Gratitude: 6 Ways it Can Change Your Life 7 Mindfulness Tips For Staying Engaged Top 5 Benefits of Gratitude Practice This is what Hanson is teaching us with the brain's need for 12 pillars to be fed at once, from mindfulness to gratitude, and from vitality to learning. As long as we work on each of our three core needs across the four mainstays of well-being, then each of the 12 pillars will contribute to a rewired brain that truly sets us on the path to greater enlightenment and better mental well-being. Each pillar has a role to play What's more, Hanson's 12 pillars of well-being gives us a good idea of how to work on each pillar. As just one example, if we look at the fifth pillar, gratitude, Hanson describes what needs to be done to heighten behaviours that relate to gratitude. He shows us how to take pleasure by releasing inhibitions and focusing on all of our sensory experiences, not just on one or two. Furthermore, under the fifth pillar, he teaches how to take pleasure from every day, even mundane, things. Watch: The 12 Pillars of Well-Being with Dr Rick Hanson Similar advice can be found for each pillar, such as developing a sense of 'unilateral virtue' and 'speaking from the heart' under the tenth pillar of courage. Taken together – and not in isolation from one another – each pillar offers a step on a wider path. Like all journeys, each step forward marks progress but, crucially, will also lead to physical changes in our brains, as well. More information on each of the 12 pillars of well-being and some great instructional videos can be found at the Foundations of Well-Being. ● Images: Colourbox.com, shutterstock/Julia Savalishina Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's a practitioner of Reiki.

Yes, happiness is a choice and not a result of achievements or materialism. From choosing gratitude to quality friendships, maintain a happy vibe with these 8 tips from Calvin Holbrook. As editor of this happiness magazine, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I leap out of bed each morning after a restful slumber with a grin on my face, full of great intentions for the day ahead. Not so! Indeed, for the main part, for me, happiness is a choice, rather than my natural state of being. In fact, like all of us, I’m not happy all the time (let’s face it, that would just be weird). In reality, for me, authentic happiness doesn't signify a lack of negative feelings such as sadness and pain, but an ability to experience a wide spectrum of emotions while managing to appreciate – and stay focused on – the positive things that I do have in my life. According to psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, roughly 50 per cent of our natural happiness level is genetically determined (our so-called happiness set point). I believe my own happiness set point started out lower down the scale, but, with work, I’ve managed to boost it because – over time and consistently – I’ve made the choice to be happy, even when my life circumstances and situation were sending me into a spiral. Choosing kindness is choosing happiness Choosing to be happy is a constant effort, and to be honest, it’s not something that comes naturally. In fact, I’ve had to train myself to think happy. Indeed, like millions of us, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, lived through periods of debilitating panic attacks, and dealt with episodes of rumination that have beaten my mental health and happiness down. Along the way, I’ve learned that these problems should not define me or my mood. Indeed, I can still see happiness as a choice, but it requires focus and effort to stay positive (and, of course, professional help or medication when appropriate). Happiness fuels success, not vice versa The majority of people go through life thinking that happiness is something that happens to them as a result of success or something good happening, for example, getting a pay rise or getting 100 new likes on their latest Instagram post. Indeed, lots of people don’t realize that happiness is a choice, and instead go through the motions in life, waiting for joy to pop up and slap them in the face! “No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive to focus on. Since happiness is a choice, find things in your life you’re grateful for.” However, science shows that this type of instant gratification doesn’t really make us happy (not in the long-term, anyway). In fact, there is no magic pill to finding happiness. However, there is one thing that is required to boost well-being, and that is work. Work? Ugh! 'Fraid so. Because happiness is a choice, it needs to be worked at consistently, with effort, care and dedication. In fact, I believe the root to happiness is in the work you put into it. You have to commit to being happy, prioritize it, focus on it, and remain disciplined as much as possible, even in those dark and difficult days – especially on those dark days! If happiness is a choice, how can I work on it? It sounds staggering, but it’s reported that we make around 35,000 remotely conscious decisions every single day. From seemingly inconsequential stuff about choosing what to eat and what clothes to wear, to bigger things like who to love, how to spend our free time, whether to move city or quit the job we feel stuck in. Some of our choices turn out to be great and others not so. What they have in common though is that all of these choices are based in our deep desire to be happy. These choices make up part of our ‘life activity’. As mentioned earlier, genetics make up roughly half of happiness levels. The remainder depends on our circumstances (10 per cent) and this so-called ‘life activity’ (40 per cent). Paws for thought: choose meaningful relationships (pets count!) While we cannot always control our circumstances, we do have more control over our life activity. And if that life activity is said to be responsible for almost 40 per cent of our happiness, we can focus on making better choices here to increase our happiness levels. In fact, we can even make choosing happiness as one life choice! OK, I hear you: all of this is easier said than done. Life is tough. Shit happens. True, there are many challenging things that we will experience in life and we know that the only certainty is change (and the upheaval it can bring). This doesn't mean that all of life is bad, it just means that life isn't easy. But happiness does not come from your circumstances or your situation. Happiness comes from a choice that you make within. Learning how to choose happiness I’ve had to train my brain to choose happiness, even when my circumstances suggested the opposite. I believe I’ve boosted my natural happiness set point by carrying out specific ‘feel happier’ activities. If you're struggling to find the root of happiness, incorporate these eight science-backed tips into your daily life and you may start to feel happier. Stick at it, put in the hard work, and you should see results. 1. Choose gratitude and look on the bright side No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive you can find to focus on. It could be the fact you have a place to live, friends and family that love you, have clothes to wear, or even that you have eyes to see and legs to walk with. There are millions of people in the world that don't have all of these things. RELATED: Top 5 Benefits of Gratitude Practice 23 Gratitude Affirmations For Attracting Happiness Gratitude Meditation: 5 Benefits and How to Practise Since happiness is a choice, start finding things in your life that you're grateful for. It could also be seemingly small, general things that we often take for granted, such as the smell of cut grass, the sound of the ocean, etc. Writing these things down in a gratitude journal helps to solidify your happiness further. Develop an attitude of gratitude and jot down three good things about every day: studies have shown that doing this increases optimism, reduces anxiety, and chemically changes the brain to be more positive. 2. Choose to think positively Try to live by the ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ anecdote. Focusing on positive thoughts and trying to reducing negative thinking is easier said than done, but give the following technique a try. Each time you have a negative thought, simply replace it with a positive one. This practice will help to retrain your habitual thought patterns to bring more positive thoughts and happiness into your life. “Happiness is a choice, not a result of something else. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy.” Changing perspective on your situation will help you find happiness. If you’ve made a mistake – however big – try to focus on your past achievements instead, visualizing your previous successes and happy times. 3. Choose to smile Turn that frown upside down! One of the most important figures in the fields of mindfulness and meditation, Thích Nhất Hạnh once wrote, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”’ Grinning gains: stay smiling and choose happy Indeed, studies have shown that smiling and other external expressions work as a continual feedback loop, helping to reinforce our internal emotions. A study by scientists at the University of Kansas found that making yourself smile can help lower your heart rate during stressful activities. So, smiling even when we feel down will gradually makes us feel happier (and healthier). Try smiling at strangers, too: as well as being a choice, positivity is contagious. 4. Choose meaningful relationships/interactions Research shows that happier people have rewarding social relationships. Indeed, humans are a social species and need regular contact. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness, with recent studies show it can even be as harmful to mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. "Research shows that happier people have rewarding social relationships. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness.” So, to make a happiness a choice, choose quality friendships. In fact, prioritize being nice to people you don't know also: even a short positive interaction with a stranger has been proven to contribute to boosted well-being. 5. Choose kindness When you choose to do kinds acts for other people, so-called happiness hormones are released, boosting your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of well-being and satisfaction. Endorphin levels also rise, leading to a phenomenon known as a 'helper’s high’. MORE LIKE THIS: The Power of Kindness: the Ripple Effects of Being Nice Human Kindness: Why We Need It More Than Ever 7 Ways to Choose Kindness Every Day Another physical benefit of kindness is that it can help to lower anxiety. Social anxiety is associated with low positive affect (PA), which relates to an individual’s experience of positive moods such as joy, interest, and alertness. A four-week study on happiness from the University of British Columbia found that participants who engaged in kind acts displayed major increases in their PA levels that were maintained during the study duration. Be kind to others and experience a 'helper's high' 6. Choose to be more mindful Mindfulness meditation is an great way to try to increase your happiness levels. Start your day with just 10-15 minutes of meditation, shortly after waking: the immediate heightened inner clarity and focus it will give you will set you up for they day ahead. RELATED: 10 Types of Meditation: Which Style Is Best For You? 9 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation Outdoor Meditation: How to Meditate in Nature Many studies have shown that meditation can boost happiness levels by reducing stress hormones, shrinking the part of the brain that controls anxiety, and by stopping rumination, amongst other things. And, according to Psychology Today, meditation is the strongest mental practice to reset your happiness set point, thus turning you into a more joyful person and literally rewiring major areas in your brain. 7. Choose a purpose Meaningfulness is a happy factor that you can extend throughout your whole life. Whether it's volunteering, gardening, or becoming politically active, activities with a purpose have been shown to boost people's happiness and reduce stress levels at the same time. A study from the Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that people who took part in such activities became 34 per cent less stressed and 18 per cent less sad. 8. Choose to be satisfied Ex-US President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And in today’s Insta-ready society this rings true more than ever. In a social media savvy world, flaunting your money, travels and other supposed successes or happiness is all too common. However, if happiness is a choice, then comparing yourself to other people will only result in unhappiness. Rate your mates: quality friendships bring happiness In fact, data from a 2010 survey of 19,000 Europeans showed that those who compared their incomes to others were less happy with what they had. The comparisons that were most damaging to happiness were when people compared their incomes to those of school and university friends (even though we know that money can’t buy happiness, right?) Choose to be satisfied with what you have and stop comparing your life to that of others. The takeaway: why happiness is a choice Abraham Lincoln is famously quoted as saying, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” And he was right. Happiness is a choice but also a daily practice that requires time, effort and dedication. By carrying out our suggestions above, you should hopefully start to see some benefits. But, if you still fail to feel happy, take time to think through your actions. Are you doing the things you need to choose happiness or are you letting your emotions take control? If you’re trying to feel happier and you remain down or are struggling with depression, consult with your GP or therapist to seek professional help. Happiness is a choice and choosing help is a also a great step to getting started if you’re feeling blocked. • Images: shutterstock/New Africa, shutterstock/PeopleImages.com - Yuri. A, shutterstock/Dmytro Zinkevych, shutterstock/Personal Belongings Choosing happiness becomes easier when you have the right tools to help you. Sign up free to happiness.com today and share and support others in our forums. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Unhappy in Life | Gratitude | Lemonading | Purpose of Life Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, as well being an artist and lover of travel, swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Do the Sunday Scaries provoke that 'I don't want to go to work' dread in you? If so, cultivating these six traits from Dee Marques can help you become happier in the workplace and start looking forward to work. Turn your 'I hate my job' desperation into a 'I love my job' declaration! Work: we all need money to survive, but given the chance, how many of us would willingly work it if we didn’t need to? Our workplace is the space where we often spend one third (or more) of our day, so how we feel about our role can have a serious impact on our overall psychological well-being. In fact, unhappiness at work is actually commonplace. Indeed, you've probably screamed “I hate my job!” or heard one of your friends or family members do same in despair. So, how can we make work, well, work for us? Studies confirm that being unhappy at work over a period of time is linked to feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, stress and sleep problems, as well as higher chances of developing high blood pressure, heart disease, and digestive issues – so not hating your job is actually a serious matter. Engagement is a key 'happy at work' trait However, sometimes we have to accept jobs we’d rather not be doing – the famous “but it pays the bills”. And, truth be told, few people would describe their work environment as being a truly happy place at all times. In fact, being dissatisfied at work has become so common that finding joy in the workplace is almost seen as some sort of luxury. For example, in the USA, nearly half of the workforce claims to be unhappy at work, and the figure is almost identical in the UK, suggesting a happy workplace is uncommon. I hate my job! Cultivate these 6 traits to enjoy work So, what if achieving happiness at work was more than wishful thinking? If you find the 'I don't want to go to work' Monday Blues tend to extend over your entire working week, then cultivate these six things and achieve real happiness in your job. 1. Purpose Purpose is one of the most important factors when it comes to finding happiness at work. Indeed, purpose or meaning ranks high when it comes to achieving a joyful life in general, therefore it’s not surprising that the same applies to finding happiness in your job, too. In fact, a feeling of purpose of life has been linked to higher motivation, commitment and productivity, all of which are positive emotional states that can contribute to happiness and, by extension, stop you hating your job. RELATED: Ikigai: What Is It and How to Find It Try to find purpose at work by thinking about what your job means when the greater good comes into the picture. If you're working in the 'helping' or 'saving' professions – a teacher, nurse, doctor, soldier, etc – then this shouldn't be difficult, but meaningful work isn't restricted to these types of professions. Sometimes it's not easy to discover the purpose in your work, but with just a bit of consideration, things become clearer. Even work considered menial by others can have a greater purpose. “A feeling of purpose has been linked to higher motivation, commitment, and productivity, all of which can stop you being unhappy in the workplace.” For example, think about the people who built great European monuments, like cathedrals and bridges. Their work would have been physically demanding and laborious and maybe they hated it, but they built something that was enjoyed for many generations to come, perhaps creating a sense of satisfaction. If you're always thinking 'I hate my job', you owe it to yourself to consider what would really inspire you to get up in the morning. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility for your professional growth can also help you find meaning and purpose, so set your own goals and make sure they’re aligned with meaningful values. Indeed, if you can find an employer that shares your values, then you're on the way to becoming a happier employee. Finding a career with purpose, such as nursing, can mean happy work 2. Engagement Feeling that your work day is plagued by apathy, finding excuses to go on yet another coffee break, arriving late or leaving early, starting a task then jumping away to browse the web… do any of these things sound familiar? These are all signs of disengagement at work and should be addressed, as they can lead to unhappiness with life, depression and even health-related issues. In fact, a 2015 Gallup survey shows that disengagement or feeling disconnected from work can lead to many health issues. For example, comparing engaged and disengaged employees in the United States, 56 per cent of the latter claimed to be stressed every day (compared with 36 per cent of those engaged), 23 per cent were more likely to be in pain (compared to 14 per cent), and 16 per cent more likely to be diagnosed with depression (compared to nine per cent). MORE LIKE THIS: Why Can't I Focus? 8 Tips on How to Avoid Distractions Feeling Overwhelmed at Work? Here Are 9 Ways to Manage It How to Get Shit Done: 8 Productivity Hacks To stop this from taking away your chance of finding happiness in your career, try to find the source of disengagement. Maybe you feel that your skills are not used to the fullest, or you hate your job because you feel stuck in a rut. Set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager. When you do so, explain that you’d like to be challenged and do more for the company, as this is likely to be well received. 3. Kindness A kind workplace is a happy workplace, or has more chances of being so. Your relationship with coworkers is closely connected to overall job satisfaction, and if that relationship is strained or marked by hostility or competition, it can affect your emotions. This makes sense considering that you’re probably spending 40 hours a week – or more – in close contact. In fact, poor workplace relationships are one of the most common complaints and a leading cause of work-related stress and people hating their jobs. It’s also worth mentioning that some studies have found that feeling lonely or isolated at work also has a negative impact on job performance. RELATED: How to Show Compassion at Work: 7 Top Tips Acts of kindness are an easy and quick way to build a positive work environment. Indeed, small gestures can go a long way. Going to the kitchen to make a drink? Make sure you ask your colleagues if they want anything too (and wipe clean the microwave while you're there, even if you didn't make the mess!). Heading on holiday? Bring a few treats back and leave them in the office kitchen or communal area. Small gestures of kindness create positivity and, in fact, boost productivity. “If you're unhappy at work, set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager.” Indeed, research from the Association of Professional Executives of the Public Service of Canada (APEX) showed that incivility has “profound implications on the level of energy, emotional engagement, and performance of work teams.” Its study found that teams in a respectful environment: Have 26 per cent more energy. Are 30 per cent more likely to feel motivated and enthusiastic about acquiring new skills and being exposed to new ideas. Express 36 per cent more satisfaction with their jobs and are 44 per cent more committed to their companies. 4. Flexibility The working world is becoming increasingly flexible with the growth of options like freelancing, working from home, job sharing, and the compressed working week. Of course, flexi-work comes with its pros and cons: key advantages include reduced commuting expenses and freedom to meet personal/family needs, while common downsides are learning to deal with distractions, isolation, and sticking to a schedule. However, importantly, flexibility at work can help achieve a good work-life balance and contribute to a happy workplace. Indeed, research studies have linked workplace flexibility to individual and team effectiveness, stress reduction, and greater commitment to the job. Balancing act: flexible working often boosts happiness If you're always thinking 'I hate my job' and think more freedom and flexibility could help you relieve your unhappiness, approach your employer to see how they feel about flexi-work, highlighting the benefits and your willingness to help create a happy workplace that is conducive to productivity. More and more employers are open to flexible working hours and realizing the potential it has for creating happy employees. Indeed, many companies are toying with the idea of introducing four-day working weeks, with some showing positive results in trials. There's emerging evidence that a compressed working week can boost both productivity and happiness in workers. For example, Pursuit Marketing in Glasgow, Scotland, switched 120 people to a four-day week in late 2016 and claims it has been key in a 30 per cent productivity rise. 5. Appreciation Not feeling appreciated is one of the main reasons why people become unhappy and quit their jobs, as it can be both demoralising and frustrating. Not feeling appreciated can appear in many ways: your manager not paying attention to you, not being paid what you deserve, or not receiving credit for work, or – worse still – someone else taking credit for your ideas. These are all scenarios you may have experienced at some point. “Instead of thinking 'I hate my job', reframe negative thoughts and focus on being adaptable. Start practices like meditation and mindfulness, which can help you develop a more flexible frame of mind – the basis for resilience.” Sometimes it can be the case that employers genuinely don't care about their employees, but it's better to first give the benefit of the doubt: often managers are so busy they haven't realised they've been neglecting you. If you're not feeling appreciated, speak with them or human resources directly and ask for regular, six-month reviews to discuss how you're progressing in your role and the company. Kindness pays: be nice to colleagues and create a happy workplace Prepare well for your meeting and draw up a list of what you want to discuss and all your recent achievements (to jog your manager’s memory of your fantastic work), especially if you're asking for a pay rise. As well as discussing your strengths, discuss any areas where you can develop further. While you're waiting for your chance to shine, you can still show your appreciation for your coworkers (who may also be thinking 'I hate my job!'). This will help generate a more positive work atmosphere and create a happy workplace where people feel valued. In fact, the link between giving and happiness is well documented, since studies show that being generous increases personal happiness, and this includes giving intangible things like our time or appreciation for others. 6. Resilience Stress, uncertainty and unhappiness cannot be completely avoided in the workplace, so the best thing you can do is grow stronger to cope with professional setbacks. In other words, cultivate resilience. This doesn’t mean putting up with what you dislike, as this would only make you feel more disengaged, but rather to change your mindset when that 'I don't want to go to work' feeling kicks in. RELATED: Mindfulness at Work: 6 Productive Tips Instead of thinking 'I hate my job', reframe negative thoughts and focus on being adaptable. Start practices like meditation and mindfulness, which can help you develop a more flexible frame of mind – the basis for resilience. In fact, any stress management technique can help build resilience, as you’ll be in control instead of letting workplace stressors take over your mood. You can also invest in activities that strengthen your inner self, whether than means going on a retreat, taking up yoga, or a creative hobby. The takeaway: I don't want to go to work If you hate your job and are feeling unhappy, invest in developing these six traits – some of the many building blocks of happiness – into your professional life. Taking your time to work on purpose, engagement, kindness, flexibility, appreciation and resilience, and your efforts will pay off. Furthermore, finding happiness at work will also reflect in other aspects of your life. ● Images: shutterstock/Pressmaster, shutterstock/RawPixel.com, pixabay/ludi happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Stress management | Work life balance | Burnout Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Can an abundant mindset radically affect our choices and determine the course of our lives? Sonia Vadlamani believes so. Here she shares explains the meaning of abundance mindset and mentality, and offers eight simple yet effective ways to cultivate them. When Henry Ford famously stated, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't – you're right”, he was emphasizing how our attitude and beliefs determine our success or failure. While we may not realize it, self-limiting thoughts can have a lasting negative impact on our lives, whereas positive reinforcements and a bright outlook on life can help us make better choices, resulting in successful outcomes. The term 'abundance mindset' was first coined by Stephen R Covey in 1989, in his best-selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, those choosing an abundance or abundant mindset believe that there are unlimited resources available for every individual, and that long-term success warrants creation of a win-win situation for all. Abundance mindset vs scarcity mindset In contrast, Covey refers to scarcity mindset as viewing life as a limited resource, wherein one can get only a share of the pie, while the rest is reserved for others. Those with scarcity mindset believe there just isn’t enough love, time, or money out there for everyone: each thought and every action of theirs is an endeavour to grab the limited opportunities. Adopt a mindset of abundance for positive changes An experimental study based on neuroimaging revealed that abundance mindset enables individuals to make goal-oriented decisions. On the contrary, those with scarcity mindset perceive limited resources to be available to them, which may impact their decision-making abilities adversely. A victim of the scarcity mindset myself until a few years ago, it took me a while to realize that I was limiting myself by remaining in the ‘if only’ trap – assuming that my life would be perfect if only I earned a certain amount of money, bagged that exclusive contract, went on that dream vacation, etc. When I eventually realized that my scarcity mindset was confining me in a victim complex, I consciously looked for ways to expand my awareness and recognize all the growth opportunities around myself. Indeed, escaping the scarcity bubble might seem impossible at first, but consistent focus and determined action plan drawn towards developing an abundance mindset helps immensely. “Those with an abundance mindset and mentality can perceive the highest potential in every situation. There are always more options, great possibilities and unlimited resources for the abundance-minded.” Sometimes, it may be easy to confuse scarcity mindset with a temporary setback, like being in financial shortfall. Being broke could be a short-lived situation in your life – in fact, not having access to everything you ever desired could prove to be a valuable lesson and help you to be grateful for everything you do have. How is an abundance mindset beneficial? An abundant mindset or abundance mentality is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. Psychology professor Carol Dweck revealed that people with “growth mindset” believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment. These individuals tend to be more equipped to deal with stressful situations and believe in their ability to generate more successful outcomes as compared to those with a 'fixed mindset'. Individuals with abundance mindset are perceived to be: more creative and inspired to create favorable outcomes for everyone around unfazed even through adverse circumstances more assured about their ability to create high-value results of an amplified magnitude more focused on creating meaningful, unhindered, satisfying life experiences 8 ways to develop a more abundant mindset Here are some practical and effective ways to start creating a life of abundance. Incorporate them into your life and try to witness positive changes. 1. Believe in infinite possibilities Those with an abundance mindset and mentality can perceive the highest potential in every situation. While scarcity mindset imposes a perceived limit on the resources available, there are always more options, great possibilities and unlimited resources for the abundance-minded. RELATED: 7 Ways to Develop a Can-Do Attitude Training your mind to see limitless opportunities in place of shortcomings can be a gradual process. You can start by deliberately expanding your awareness while relaxing your focus, and then asking yourself how you could approach a situation from a different perspective, in a scenario where you know you couldn’t fail. 2. Understand the power of your thoughts “What you think, you become. The mind is everything,” Buddha taught us. The law of manifestation asserts that our inner world reflects our outer reality, and that our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions determine what we manifest into the physical world around us. Taking time to notice the kind of self-limiting or scarcity-based thoughts you experience would allow you to identify your thought patterns and shift them gradually towards abundance. An abundance mentality encourages the best version of you 3. Stop comparing yourself to others Scarcity mindset can compel individuals to constantly evaluate how they compare with others. However, those with abundance mindset tend to only compare themselves with regards to the vision and standards they set for their own selves. 4. Incorporate gratitude as a daily practice Gratitude is a powerful emotion for creating abundance. In fact, there is ample scientific research that establishes the benefits of gratitude as a daily practice, like improved mental health, stronger relationships, and enhanced personal happiness. RELATED: Top 5 Benefits of Gratitude Practice Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the easiest ways to integrate gratefulness as a daily ritual and harness the benefits of an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude meditation can also help you build a habitual focus on appreciation of good things in life. 5. Build win-win situations for all Those with scarcity mindset view life as a defined 'cake' and believe that if someone gets a big slice of the cake, the others are left with smaller portions. Abundance mentality views life as a sum of collaborative efforts instead of competitive endeavors. RELATED: When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading! Creating win-win solutions through interaction and collaboration can lead to mutually favourable results – this way, there is plenty of cake for everybody. 6. Be willing to learn According to Covey, the desire for learning and growth towards mastery experiences forms the basis for abundance mindset. The key to abundance is to make learning a habit and to create mastery experiences in at least one area of your interest. “Abundance mindset is believed to favor personal and spiritual growth. People with growth mindset believe that talent is merely the starting point and abilities can be honed with consistent efforts towards betterment.” James Clear, the author of the best-selling book The Power of Habit explains how the principle of ‘marginal gains’ or tiny improvements on a daily basis can aggregate over time. This brings about a dramatic shift in how we achieve successful results. Indeed, by making 1 per cent improvements in small areas in your life consistently, you could witness exponential growth and create remarkable results for yourself as well as others around you. 7.Create daily affirmations that encourage abundance Scarcity mindset stems from fear; be it the fear of inadequate resources or insufficient skill to achieve one’s goals, etc. An experimental study by J. David Creswell et al pointed out the benefits of self-affirmation in the form of improved problem-solving abilities even in stressful situations. RELATED: How to Find Meaning in Life: 7 Strategies Using daily affirmations can help bring about a gradual yet steady shift in your mindset from scarcity to abundance. Start with jotting down your fears and worries. This will help you expand your awareness. Next, make a suitable action plan as a response to these concerns in a way that will enable you to overcome your fear of failure, so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Start your day with positive affirmations 8. Surround yourself with others with abundance mindset “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” stated Jim Rohn, and with good reason. Accordingly, choose to invest your time and resources in building a community of people who elevate your outlook on life and bring out the best in you. This will also help you minimize the unproductive time spent with ‘negative nellies’ or unsupportive and unproductive people who add no value to your life and only create stressful situations instead. Surrounding yourself with positive-minded and empowering people will help you develop an abundance mindset. Takeaway: Meaning of abundance mindset and mentality An abundance mindset and abundant mentality can have a positive effect on our physical health, emotional well-being, happiness, relationships and even our financial decisions. Keeping that scarcity mindset at bay might seem difficult to begin with, but by following the eight tips above you´ll be able to see that abundance mindset develop and shine through. • Images: shutterstock/sun ok, shutterstock/KieferPix, shutterstock/Hitdelight happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Positive psychology | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Obsessive thoughts are damaging to both mental and physical health. Discover how to stop thinking about something – or someone – with these 9 techniques from Dee Marques. Ever found yourself replaying the same thought in your head over and over? Maybe it's a work mistake that keeps haunting you, a conversation where you wish you'd said something different, or a future scenario you can't stop worrying about. Sounds familiar? That’s because most of us tend to overthink to some extent. Obsessive thinking can be exhausting and in some cases, even distressing. The good news is that you can regain control over your thoughts. In this article, we’ll explore why we fixate on certain thoughts, how to recognise when they become unhealthy, and some tips on how to stop thinking about something when it's affecting your well-being. What does it mean if you can't stop thinking about something We all overthink from time to time. In fact, it’s estimated that our brain generates more than 6,000 thoughts per day, and an astonishing 95% of those are thought to be repetitive. Can't stop thinking about something? You cam change that With that said, not all repetitive thinking is cause for concern. Let’s break it down: Regular overthinking. Overthinking can be a natural response to stress or uncertainty. If you have an upcoming exam, a job interview, or an important decision to make, it’s normal to mentally rehearse different scenarios. This type of overthinking is a part of problem-solving and shouldn’t be concerning. Rumination When repetitive thoughts become intrusive and unproductive, rumination can take over. Here, the brain isn’t trying to problem solve, but instead keeps replaying past mistakes, regrets, or worst-case scenarios. Approximately 73% of young adults experience some level of rumination, although in people aged 60 and over, this figure reduces to 20%. OCD and anxiety disorders In more extreme cases, repetitive thoughts may be linked to conditions like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). People with OCD often experience unwanted, distressing and obsessive thoughts that lead to compulsive behaviours. Research suggests that around 1.2% of adults in the UK have OCD. Anxiety disorders affect more than 300 million people worldwide, and over 5.5% of the UK population. When is overthinking harmful? So, how can you tell that you’ve gone beyond 'regular' overthinking and into that more dangerous, obsessive manner of thinking? Here are some signs to watch out for: • You lose sleep because your mind won’t switch off. • The same thought interferes with your ability to concentrate, or to be present. • Your thoughts are affecting your mood beyond your control, making you feel anxious or hopeless. • So-called 'paralysis by analysis' – where the fear of making mistakes stops you from acting. • You keep replaying past situations or future scenarios, but never come close to a solution. • You feel mentally drained and struggle to enjoy things as you normally would. • Your obsessive thinking is leading to compulsive behaviours, like constantly checking or seeking reassurance. The harmful effects of obsessive thinking If left unchecked, repetitive thoughts can take a toll on multiple areas of your life. You can become more at risk of experiencing mental health issues like anxiety, stress, and depression, which affects up to 50% of people with OCD-related disorders. Obsessive thoughts can also negatively affect your physical health, causing headaches, muscle tension, and even digestive problems – in addition to sleep disruption, which is harmful to your overall metabolism and well-being. “Your brain can’t handle two thoughts at the same time, so immersing yourself in an activity that demands your full attention leaves no room for intrusive thoughts.” Being unable to control obsessive thoughts can put a strain on relationships, since overthinking often causes unnecessary internal conflict and constant doubt that pushes people away. And lastly, far from helping you be logical and think things though, obsessive thinking actually impairs problem-solving abilities. Instead of finding solutions, you remain stuck in a vicious circle of worry, what ifs, and stress. Intrusive thoughts can become damaging How to stop thinking about something If obsessive thoughts are taking over and you're wondering how to stop thinking about something (or someone), the key is being determined to break the cycle. Here are some practical things to try: 1. Catch-Check-Change technique Try to use this reframing technique often, until it becomes as automatic as your obsessive thoughts! First, catch the thought and place it into an “unhelpful thought” category, such as blaming yourself, worst-case scenario, black-and-white thinking, or ignoring positive facts. Then, fact-check the thought. Is it actually happening? Are there alternative explanations? Are you fabricating evidence in your head? What are other potential outcomes? With that in mind, change the thought so it has a more neutral tone. You can find examples and a template for this technique here. 2. Mindfulness meditation Mindfulness teaches you to observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them. Research shows that mindfulness and meditation skills can reduce the mental discomfort in OCD patients, so these tools surely can help with other forms of overthinking too. 3. Write it down One practical way to stop thinking about someone or something is to transfer the thought out of your head onto paper. Writing thoughts down and describing the context where they appear can help clear your mind and put thoughts and their associated emotions out there, instead of keeping them endlessly looping inside your head. “One practical way to stop thinking about something or someone is to transfer the thought out of your head onto paper.” You can jot obsessive thoughts down as they come or you may want to incorporate specific journalling techniques. Writing not only helps release disturbing thoughts, but can also help with the following tip below. How to stop thinking about something? Write it out! 4. Identify triggers You can go back to what you’ve written to pinpoint the triggers that fuel your overthinking. It could be scrolling through social media, discussing a certain topic, talking to a specific person, etc. Identifying the trigger is crucial if you want to set boundaries and reduce exposure to the things that activate repetitive thought patterns. MORE LIKE THIS: What's the Point of Life? 3 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Feeling Lost in Life? Move On In 7 Steps Inner Peace: the 3 Key Techniques to Finding It 5. Set a ‘worry time’ The problem with intrusive thoughts is that they can easily take over your mood and mindset all day. “Not thinking those thoughts” may not be realistic at first, but you can still limit their impact by allocating a 10-minute worry window – but remember to “close that window” once the time is up. 6. Distract yourself Your brain can’t handle two thoughts at the same time, so immersing yourself in an activity that demands your full attention leaves no room for intrusive thoughts. Distractions could include doing a puzzle, memorising and reciting a favourite poem or song, playing memory games, watching a comedy show, going out to the movies, etc. RELATED: Flow State and Happiness: How to Achieve It 7. Talk it out Voicing your thoughts out loud can break the cycle of overthinking, in a similar way to writing them out. Although at first you may feel embarrassed or vulnerable, talking to a trustworthy friend or relative can help you realise that things are not as overwhelming as they feel in your head. The old adage 'a problem shared is a problem halved' really rings true. 8. Get moving Exercise is one of the most effective ways of limiting the distressing effects of overthinking. In addition to releasing endorphins (natural stress relievers), exercise also physically pulls you out of your head and into the present moment. Ideally, you want to make this a part of your routine. According to some studies, even 10-minute sessions 3-4 days per week can help shift your focus. Try mindful running or – if you're feeling brave – wild swimming. Exercise is a great way to take your mind off things 9. Seek professional health If you’ve tried all of the above and still don’t know how to stop thinking about something, don’t hesitate to seek support. A mental health professional can offer strategies tailored to your situation and help you break free from intrusive thought cycles. Takeaway: how to stop thinking about something Overthinking can feel like an endless battle, but you can win this one. By understanding why you obsess over things and using the tips we described in this article, you can figure out how to stop thinking about something and improve the quality of your life and overall well-being. The key is to remember that thoughts are just that: 'thoughts'. They don’t define you, and they don’t have to control you. You are not your thoughts. With the right strategies, you can train your brain to focus on the present and embrace a calmer and clearer mindset. ● Images: shutterstock/fizkes, shutterstock/Gladskihk Tatiana, shutterstock/Lysenko Andrii, shutterstock/veronaman happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Work life balance | Kindness | Compassion Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Both external and internal distractions can leave us unable to concentrate on the task at hand. So, if you regularly asks yourself 'why can't I focus?', these 8 tips from Sonia Vadlamani will teach you how to avoid distractions, concentrate better, and get that to-do list blitzed! Picture this: It’s a new working day and you’re determined to be productive. You sit at your desk, open the laptop, and review your schedule when suddenly your phone buzzes. A flood of app and social media notifications pulls your attention away from getting stuck in. You start working through your emails when someone pings you with a question on the work chat channel. Before you know it, you're being sucked away from your goals and failing to tackle your to-do list. Frustrated, you wonder, “Why do I get distracted easily?” Digital distractions such as these above plague us all in the age of smartphones, social media and remote working.There's no one-size-fits-all reason for why we get distracted, but understanding our individual triggers and personality types can help us understand how to avoid distractions. Why can’t I focus? Internal vs external issues Distractions come in different forms. Some distractions are internal – racing thoughts, lingering feelings, unresolved issues, etc – that arise from within. Such internal distractions stem from our state of mind and physical well-being also – stress, anxiety, hunger, lack of sleep, and illness can weaken focus, leaving us to ponder how to avoid distractions. External distractions, on the other hand, come from the world around you. Technology is a major culprit here – social media, shopping portals, and streaming services can consume precious hours even before you realize it. However, if used correctly, technology can also help you maximize your time, boost productivity and ensure you get shit done. Other external distractions stem from your surroundings, such as work environments, family responsibilities, and background noise, all of which can weaken focus and impact productivity. Hands free? Multitasking doesn't help you to focus better However, while distractions affect everyone, their impact varies from person to person. For example, researchers Furnham and Bradley studied how distractions like music or noise impact the retention ability in a group of extroverts and introverts. The study revealed that introverts retained more information and could recall greater detail in silence but performed substantially worse when exposed to music or noise from, say, a television in the background. In contrast, extroverts scored higher for recall ability with background music. RELATED: The Power of Silence: 10 Benefits of Cultivating Peace and Quiet When wondering “why do I get distracted easily,” you also need to factor in the role task enjoyment plays, which is a key factor in maintaining focus. Naturally, our interests vary – what appeals to one person may feel tedious to another. However, researchers agree that task enjoyment plays a crucial role in helping individuals self-regulate their focus and resist distractions to finish a task, particularly if the task involves a reward or advancement upon completion. How to avoid distractions Indeed, living in an interruption-heavy environment can affect our ability to concentrate on the task at hand, leaving us frustrated over stalled progress. Fortunately, there are strategies you can utilize to stay focused if you’re easily distracted: 1. List your distractions – then avoid them The most effective way to tackle the question “Why do I get distracted easily” is to start identifying the common interruptions in your environment and compile a list. You can use this knowledge to your advantage by removing these disturbances from your environment or at least limiting the interruptions for the window when you’re working or studying. “In addition to alleviating stress and boosting well-being, regular meditation practice can teach us how to avoid distractions and improve focus.” For instance, social media notifications appear high on my list of distractions, so my answer to “how to not get distracted” is to simply disable them when I’m working on an important project. Avoiding these notifications significantly improves my ability to concentrate on the task at hand. 2. Avoid multitasking Juggling multiple assignments can quickly become overwhelming and stressful, especially if you tackle them all at once. While multitasking can make you seem superhuman, frequent task-switching actually undermines productivity. A study by Nick Yeung et al. revealed that multitasking places a heavy cognitive load on the brain. Avoid distractions and keep mobiles at a distance Each time you switch tasks, your mind must recalibrate the settings of the task – remembering where you left off previously, refocusing on the new task, and repeating this process over and over. Rather than being a time-saver, this constant shifting weakens your focus and turns into a major distraction. 3. Improve your sleep cycle and lifestyle An unhealthy lifestyle, irregular sleep, poorly timed meals, and inadequate hydration can create internal distractions, often leaving you wondering “Why can’t I focus?”. Indeed, there is mounting evidence that hunger, thirst, and sleep deprivation can impair attention and decision-making. Prioritize your wellbeing – maintaining a regular sleep schedule, eating a nutrient-rich diet, and regular exercise – can significantly enhance focus. Researchers Y.K. Chang et al. found that even short bursts of physical activity, such as a quick stroll, hike, or a 20-minute jog can improve concentration and uplift mood. 4. Cultivate mindfulness The question “Why can’t I focus?” has bugged me several times, even outside of work or study sessions. If you’ve ever found yourself zoning out during conversations with friends or family movie nights, lost in thoughts of deadlines and to-do lists, mindfulness can be your answer to how not to get distracted and stay in the present. “If you're wondering “why can’t I focus,” try setting reasonable expectations of productivity: we focus better when we don’t work incessantly.” Mindfulness is the anchor that helps expand our awareness of the present moment by focusing on our thoughts, feelings, and emotions at a given point. Practising mindfulness can be your answer to how to not get distracted so often, by training your attention to stay in the present moment. This, in turn, can increase your chances to power through your to-do list at the desired pace with fewer distractions and thus greater efficiency. 5. Try meditation to improve your focus When wondering “why can’t I focus,” meditation can be your means to cultivate a sense of inner stillness and train the mind to resist distracting thoughts. In his book, The Art of Stillness, Pico Iyer, the eminent travel writer says, “The idea behind Nowhere – choosing to sit still long enough to turn inward – is at heart a simple one. If your car is broken, you don’t try to find ways to repaint its chassis; most of our problems – and therefore our solutions, our peace of mind – lie within.” Can't focus? Meditation can help build concentration skills In addition to alleviating stress and boosting well-being, regular meditation practice can teach us how to avoid distractions and improve our ability to focus on the task at hand, much like repairing the engine rather than repainting the car. 6. Set helpful boundaries The simplest answer to how to avoid distractions at work is to set healthy boundaries to prevent external distractions such as interruptions from co-workers, the endless slew of notifications on co-working apps, and background chatter. RELATED: ‘I Hate My Job!’ Cultivate These 6 Traits and Love Your Work Feeling Overwhelmed at Work? Here Are 9 Ways to Manage It Mindfulness at Work: 6 Productive Tips If you’re wondering how to stay focused while studying, the same principle applies. By taking simple yet effective measures – muting phone notifications, clearly communicating your availability to others, and saying 'no' to responsibilities you can’t handle – you’ll find your distractions dwindling and your productivity soaring. 7. Take regular breaks We often develop a skewed perception of productivity, so much so that we consider a break from work or studying as “unproductive” or unhelpful. However, I’ve noticed that working longer stretches sometimes leads to a creative impasse, whereas stepping away – in the form of making a cup of tea or a short stroll just outside – often has enabled me to come up with creative solutions with greater ease. “Avoid distractions at work by setting healthy boundaries to prevent external distractions such as interruptions from co-workers and background chatter.” Indeed, research consistently shows that taking regular breaks during work-days can enhance productivity as well as employees’ ability to innovate. Another study by DeskTime revealed that most productive people found it ideal to take a 17-minute break after working for 52 minutes in a stretch. If you're wondering “why can’t I focus,” try setting reasonable expectations of productivity: you may realize that we focus better when we don’t work incessantly. The takeaway: avoiding distractions Learning how to avoid distractions needs time and patience. Indeed, not all distractions are within our control, but we can choose how we respond to them and manage their impact. As you become aware of the time sinks specific to your environment, you’ll gradually develop a rhythm that enhances focus and allows for deep work, thus helping you achieve the desired results. While the tips above will help you minimize distractions, true focus arises from cognitive control – the ability to align your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours with the demands of the current task while consciously suppressing disruptive impulses. Ultimately, how to not get distracted is a matter of self-regulation. • Images: shutterstock/Andrey_Popov, shutterstock/Prostock-studio, shutterstock/Dmytro Zinkevych happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Compassion | Nature | Self care | Retreats Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Neurodivergent individuals express and receive affection differently to the majority. So, from info dumping to parallel play, discover the five distinct neurodivergent love languages and learn how to effectively express affection to those with neurodiversity. By Dee Marques. When it comes to love, we all have a unique way to express it and experience it. The concept of love languages – our preferred way to show and receive love – can help improve the quality of our relationships. But what about those who think and feel differently, such as neurodivergent individuals? After all, if neurodivergence can shape how someone interacts with the world, it can also influence how they express and receive love. Before exploring the unique love languages of neurodivergent people, let’s revisit the original concept of love languages. This was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. According to Chapman, the five standard love languages are: Words of affirmation Expressing affection through spoken or written words such as compliments, encouragement, or written reminders of appreciation. Acts of service Showing love by doing helpful things, whether they’re small gestures like making a cup of coffee, or practical actions like running errands or helping with chores. Gifts Demonstrating love with tangible tokens of affection (big or small). Quality time Spending time together without distractions, focusing on creating shared moments that strengthen the connection. Physical touch Showing care through touch, like hugging, holding hands, or kissing. Neurodivergence refers to differences in how the brain works, which may affect the way a person thinks, learns, and communicates. It encompasses conditions like autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and others. What's more, neurodiversity is more common than you may think; in the UK, approximately 15% of people are estimated to be neurodivergent, while in the USA, the figure is around 20%. Deep pressure AKA Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body Standard love languages don’t always align with how neurodivergent individuals express and experience affection. So, let's look at neurodivergent love languages and some tips on how to create opportunities for deeper understanding and connection in your relationships. Neurodivergent Love Languages Explained Neurodivergent love languages expand on the original concept to reflect the unique needs and expressions of individuals who experience the world differently. These languages recognise the sensory preferences, emotional processing, and communication styles that are more common and natural among neurodivergent people. RELATED: Mindful Listening – 6 Ways to Improve Conversational Skills Neurodivergent love languages don’t replace the original five, but rather offer a complementary framework to understand the diversity of human experiences like love. They do so by drawing attention to non-neurotypical emotional bids, the gestures and behaviours that “put up a call” for attention and connection. Understanding how neurodivergent people bid can help us respond in a way that’s meaningful for them. The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages The five neurodivergent love languages are: info-dumping, parallel play, support swapping, Deep Pressure AKA Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body, and Penguin Pebbling. Let’s look in detail at the five specific neurodivergent or ADHD love languages: 1. Info Dumping First in this list of neurodivergent love languages is info dumping, which involves passionately talking about a favourite topic, sometimes in great detail. For neurodivergent individuals, sharing their “spins” or special interests can be a profound way to connect, since sharing interests invites the listener into the speaker’s inner world, fostering connection. “Neurodivergent love languages recognise the sensory preferences, emotional processing, and communication styles that are more common and natural among neurodivergent people.” Info dumping is especially meaningful for non-neurotypical people, since their interests can be incredibly specific or obscure. Because of this, sometimes they assume that others will not be interested and they keep it to themselves, so sharing is a sign of trust. 2. Parallel Play Also known as body doubling or being alone together, parallel play in adults means spending time together doing separate activities side by side. Examples of parallel play in adults include reading different books in the same couch or one partner doing sudoku while the other knits. Neurodivergent individuals often value presence over direct interaction. Don’t assume that lack of conversation equals disconnection: parallel play in adults removes the pressure of constant communication that can be overwhelming to neurodivergent people. Sharing silence is still sharing a meaningful moment, not to mention that being the body double serves as a physical anchor to a neurodivergent partner. Parallel Play is one of the ADHD love languages 3. Support Swapping Support swapping is about offering practical help, focusing on specific needs related to sensory or emotional regulation. Examples include offering to handle overwhelming tasks, like making phone calls or paying bills. Support swapping is related to spoon theory, which claims that neurodivergent people have limited or inconsistent energy reserves (aka spoons) available to get through the day. When running low on “spoons”, getting practical support can mean a lot to a neurodivergent person, as it demonstrates understanding of their unique challenges and willingness to ease their burdens. 4. Deep Pressure/Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body Deep pressure, the fourth of the ADHD love languages, recognises the needs of those with different sensory profiles. This type of stimulation provides a sense of calm and emotional connection, since some non-neurotypical people intentionally seek strong sensory input, like heavy blankets or tight hugs. RELATED: National Hug Day – 7 Reasons to Embrace More Deep pressure is also known as Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body. A firm and prolonged hug during a stressful moment can make your partner feel grounded, centred, and held. This helps regulate their nervous system, offering both physical and emotional comfort. 5. Penguin Pebbling Penguin pebbling, inspired by the behaviour of penguins offering pebbles to their mates, expresses love through small and thoughtful gestures. For neurodivergent individuals, these acts of kindness can carry significant emotional weight, offering a subtle but powerful way to express affection without needing overwhelming emotional displays. Pebbling demonstrates care through intentional everyday actions that are meaningful to the recipient. It can be as simple as sharing a favourite meme, making a cup of herbal tea, sending a comforting playlist, or leaving a loving handwritten note. Finding your Neurodivergent Love Language Understanding your and your partner’s love languages can help build better relationships. If you or your loved one are neurodivergent, it can be helpful to explore which expressions of affection resonate better. You can do this by asking yourselves questions such as: What makes me feel most appreciated in a relationship? What comes easy or naturally to me when it comes to showing love to others? When I’m feeling overwhelmed or stressed, what kind of support do I find most comforting? Are there sensory preferences that shape how I express or receive affection? Are there specific actions that irritate or alienate me, even if intended to show love? What actions or behaviours from others make me feel safe and understood? Nurturing Neurodivergent Relationships Building strong relationships with neurodivergent individuals requires empathy, adaptability, and open communication. Challenges like sensory differences, different communication styles, or different ways of handling and expressing emotional intimacy can arise and cause frustration to both parties. “Neurodivergent individuals often value presence over direct interaction. Don’t assume that lack of conversation equals disconnection: parallel play in adults removes the pressure of constant communication.” But there are practical things that can help nurture these relationships and minimise misunderstandings. Part of it involves learning to speak the same love language, as well as keeping in mind the following tips: Practice active listening Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues to understand preferences and boundaries when expressing affection. Be patient Give your partner time to process emotions and thoughts, especially during high-stress situations. Communicate clearly Use direct language to minimise misinterpretation, especially when discussing complex or emotional topics, and avoid assuming or mind-reading. Respect sensory needs Be mindful of sensory sensitivities and try to create environments that feel safe and comfortable. Celebrate differences Don’t forget to reflect on the uniqueness and strengths that neurodivergence brings to a relationship, and create spaces to celebrate it. Takeaway: Neurodivergent Love Languages Love languages can help us build and nurture more satisfying relationships, and neurodivergent love languages take this a step further by recognising the diverse ways in which people connect. Expressions of affection like info dumping, parallel play, support swapping, deep pressure, and penguin pebbling, highlight the beauty of individuality in relationships. By embracing neurodivergent love languages, you can foster deeper connections and do your part to create a world where love is as diverse as the people who experience it. ● Images: shutterstock/Srdjan Randjelovic, shutterstock/PeopleImages.com - Yuri A happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Compassion | Friendship | Kindness Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Finding happiness isn't always as simple as opening a box labeled joy. Some people find it in the most unexpected places, like BDSM submission. Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her personal journey of overcoming a troubled past and finding her inner peace... What is happiness? It doesn’t come in a neat little package titled, “open me for joy”. So, I had no idea how to find it. As with many girls I knew growing up, my thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence. Happiness, according to everything I knew at this time, came in the form of having things that other people could see. Happiness was external. Yet as I got older and achieved these goals, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. And this was confusing. My whole life I heard that if I had these things, followed this plan, then everything would be OK. That I would be happy. So I got those things, followed that plan and was most definitely not happy! While I loved my husband dearly and adored my children, the problem was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere. Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realized this whole time that I had looked outwards for happiness when I should have been looking inwards. But for me, looking inwards caused a problem... inside, I was an emotional mess. “My thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence.” Many years ago I’d experienced a lot of trauma and my inside was not such a happy place. Certainly, not somewhere I'd look for happiness anyway. While in therapy I actively began to deal with my diagnosis of Complex PTSD. We've all heard of soldiers coming back with PTSD, but Complex PTSD is a bit different. It generally starts earlier in life but not always. It's a trauma brought on in the form of a power dynamic struggle between the sufferer from a caregiver (or other interpersonal relationship) and is long-term. Letting go of control To cope with my pain, I kept part of me kept closed off, in order to stay safe. On the other hand, this also cut me off from being able to find joy in life. I was in a constant state of defence, sometimes known as 'fight or flight' mode. This constant state of stress was protecting me from getting better. In order to heal on a fuller and deeper scale, I needed to let down my walls. I understood what I should to do, but I’m stubborn. To be that vulnerable was scary. Not because I didn’t trust the people in my life, but because it meant letting go of my control. Staying in control is what kept me safe, or so I thought. Spelling it out: PTSD Reaching out for help After trying many different approaches and having discussions with my therapist and husband, we decided that sexual submission might be good for me. It would be a way to get me out of my comfort zone and let go of control in a safe and consensual environment. But my husband wasn’t into domination to that extent, so I began looking elsewhere. Since my husband and I are polyamorous (meaning we are in an open relationship), I ended up finding a Dom that I met through networking with others. We began talking, and soon, I was submitting to him full time. My Dom focuses on helping his submissive partners become better versions of themselves. His focus for me was about helping me be the best mom, wife, and friend I could be. While at the same time, helping me to find joy and success in life. My Dom's focus was to help me find the happiness I was missing. To help me overcome my reliance on external things for happiness. He helped me to find the inner happiness I couldn't find through all the external things I'd acquired. My Dom helped me relearn how to find internal happiness. BDSM submission as a tool Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace. I found a more fulfilling way to love, that inner happiness I was searching for all those years. Finally, I found joy. And all through BDSM submission. By using it as a tool to heal. In handing over my control to him, I allowed myself to trust others. This external trust is what led to my growth and healing. My Dom created a safe space for me to deal with my trauma— both physically and emotionally. He helped me re-contextualize the horrible memories I had. “Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace.” Creating new memories and contexts for the old hurtful ones was only possible through having this safe space. It wouldn’t have been possible without handing over my control to him. Complete submission meant I could get out of my head and allow someone else to take the lead. To help me process and heal. So that, in the end, I could find happiness and learn to trust in others again. This also gave me power. I was choosing to give my control to someone else. This turned things around. It became my choice to allow my Dom to be in control. Submission is a choice. It's never forced, and that is the difference between my past and now. My first steps toward happiness Taking the initial steps wasn’t easy, though. While my husband was supportive, I received a lot of judgment from someone close to me at the time. And criticism came from all around. A lot of people challenged my political beliefs. They told me I wasn’t a feminist anymore. Many claimed that what I was doing wasn’t safe. Mostly because they didn't understand what it was that we were doing. People told me that I wasn’t as powerful if I submitted. And I almost listened. I almost gave in and ran the other way. Overcoming things that certain people said was a big part of what I had to do. I also had to deal with my own self-judgment which came after. Which is often harsher than any external criticism. There were judgements coming at me from all angles. In the end, part of me finding happiness meant accepting who I am fully. A big part of who I am that brings me inner happiness, is as a submissive to my Dom. BDSM submission taught me to let go in a way that I couldn't before. It helped me to release trauma and pain so I could replace it with joy and pleasure. Submission changed my life in many positive and healing ways. It brought me the happiness I sought for so long. Submission allowed me to look inward instead of outward for my joy. I no longer fear the darkness inside me. It’s safe to look inside myself. Through BDSM submission, I’ve learned to be a more supportive and loving wife, a better mom, and a true friend. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

The term lightworker is increasingly used, but what exactly is a lightworker and what is their role in society? Sonia Vadlamani looks at some of their common personality traits and shows you how to identify if you could be a lightworker, too. If you regularly read online magazines centered on well-being, spirituality or expanding your consciousness, you’ve probably come across the term ‘lightworker’. And, no matter how many references are made to it, you still may not be entirely sure what a lightworker actually is and how to identify one. And while there’s no science-backed evidence or research studies that can say what a lightworker is, more and more people from our community seek to know more about these driven souls. So, what is a lightworker? Technically, the term lightworker was first coined by author and teacher Michael Mirdad relatively recently, in the early 80s. Later, in 1997, Doreen Virtue released the book The Lightworkers Way. The simplest way to describe lightworkers would be as beings who feel an enormous pull towards helping others. Also referred to as crystal babies, indigos, Earth angels and star seeds, these spiritual beings volunteer to act as a beacon for the Earth, and commit to serving humanity. Lightworkers feel the urge to help humanity They often feel greater kindness and compassion towards others right from their childhood – chances are that they’ve rescued several animals and other living beings in distress from a young age. Lightworkers tend to be sensitive, and hence they feel sadness and anguish for the misery that dwells in the world around them. This is why they tend to choose professions wherein their empathetic nature can be used to assist those in need, like nursing, therapy, rehabilitation, healing, care-giving, veterinary services, research and teaching etc. RELATED: 5 Ways to Develop Your Moral Courage Lightworkers are intuitive and driven by their internal guidance. They can often ably perceive the emotions and needs of other living beings, which enables them to harness and direct their healing powers towards those who need help. They also believe in carrying out coordinated efforts to dispel or chase away negative consciousness using their positive energies and healing powers. Not all lightworkers realize the nature of their spiritual calling right away. While some star seeds may realize that their purpose on Earth is to elevate mankind’s collective consciousness, several lightworkers can only sense a drive to serve and compassion in their own hearts, and that they feel good when supporting others through difficult times. “What is a lightworker? They feel an enormous pull towards helping others. These spiritual beings volunteer to act as a beacon for the Earth, and commit to serving humanity.” It often takes some intuitive guidance – as well as going through the process of self-realization and discovery – to realize that their mission on Earth is to make a positive impact in whichever way they can. Given that they're faced with the same limitations and obstacles as other mortal beings, this manner of spiritual awakening and tuning into their inner light can sometimes take years for a lightworker. How do I know I’m a lightworker? If you’ve read about lightworkers and wondered if you could be one, you can only find the answer through introspection. Lightworkers are driven by a deep-felt desire to serve those in need, and are blessed with intuitive powers and inner guidance that enables them to sense energy shifts and emotions like pain and sorrow in others around them. • JOIN US! Sign-up free and share your light with the happiness.com community • They also feel connected with all living beings and Earth, and at the same time feel isolated and distant from others as they tend to look into the world from outside. If you identify with these core traits, and the desire to serve mankind and the world resonates deep within your heart, then perhaps you were intended to be a lightworker. The different types of lightworkers Lightworkers can possess strengths and core abilities in one or more areas of service. Tuning into your could help you understand what your unique gifts are, and which kind of lightworker you might be. The following types can help one identify where their inner calling lies: 1. Spiritual guides and healers Lightworkers who are driven towards serving living beings and the Earth through healing using mental, physical, emotional or spiritual approaches fall under this category. They are often highly perceptive of feelings and emotions in others, and characteristically can alleviate pain and hurt within a few minutes of time spent with people or animals. Their sensitivity towards pain could often render them fatigued or overwhelmed, and it takes some conscious moderation to keep this tendency in check. Nurses, caregivers, psychologists, doctors, etc, fall under this category. 2. Psychics and seers Using their elevated awareness and intuitive powers, lightworkers can develop psychic sights to be able to see beyond the material form and illusion. They can accordingly predict future events and concentrate their efforts to stimulate positive outcomes, with the end goal to promote world peace and harmony. Could you be a lightworker? shutterstock/sun ok 3. Gridworking and gatekeeping A grid here refers to a unit that connects all awakened hearts and sacred sites on Earth using lay lines. Gridworkers and gatekeepers are advanced lightworkers who specialize in clearing work, their main role being opening of inter-dimensional grid lines to let light and love flow through. • SHINE YOUR LIGHT Do you want to help others? Our community needs you • Gatekeepers are often government employees, diplomats or even mediators and yoga instructors etc, wherein they encourage peace, kindness, positive energy and fairness to all living beings. 4. Manifestors Also known as divine blueprint creators, manifestors are a type of lightworker that are expert at channeling their intrinsic energy to attract what they want. Their mission to make the world a better and peaceful place enables them to manifest awakened collective consciousness for humanity. 5. Guides and messengers Some lightworkers possess a unique flair for spreading important messages to the world. They concentrate their efforts in areas where their inner light and magnetic presence can make greatest impact on others by communicating messages of love, peace, spiritual awakening and enlightenment. Motivational speakers, bloggers, artists, teachers, writers, life-coaches, etc, who strive to serve humanity through their words, actions or work can be categorized as messengers. “Lightworkers are intuitive and driven by their internal guidance. They can often ably perceive the emotions and needs of other living beings.” 6. Transmuters Also known as neutralizers, these lightworkers specialize in dispelling negativity, thus restoring neutrality and balance back into the world. Neutralizers may work in favor of the entire collective consciousness, or even help people release or heal negative karma from their ancestral lines. 7. Dreamers and travelers These lightworkers can never accept the status-quo, and always strive for new solutions and adventure. They learn to push limitations and manifest light during dreamwork, creating boundless capacity for change along multiple dimensions of the Earth. Explorers, inventors, pioneers can be classified as dreamers and travelers. 8. Adventurers and ascension guides Adventurers are always on the lookout for newer possibilities, driven by belief that better things await if one just looks beyond the obvious. Along with ascension guides, they work towards creating higher inter-dimensional possibilities and broadening mankind’s vision for future. Lightworkers: the takeaway In summary, lightworkers are awakened beings who bear the highest interests of all living beings and Earth in their minds. They hold a distinctive core of kindness within themselves and vibrate at a higher energy level that enables them to be positive and support others through their struggles. Not all lightworkers realize their purpose on Earth from the beginning. However, when they do so upon self-actualization, they need not dramatically transform their life. In fact, it’s possible for them to lead a regular life and career, while simultaneously shining their light, helping and supporting others and creating positive experiences for those around. To know if you were destined to be a lightworker, you could begin by tuning in to the self – search within your heart and determine whether channeling your light out in the world is one of your life missions. • Main image: shutterstock/StunningArt Do you identify as a lightworker? Our safe and supportive community at happiness.com could be a great place for you to shine your light and help others in need. Sign-up and join the discussion on lightwork. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Volunteering | Life purpose | Meditation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you're struggling to move forward and transform your life as you hope, these 11 practical life coaching tools and techniques from holistic life coach Rebecca Kirk can help. Incorporate these methods into your daily life to gain perspective and work more clearly towards your goals. Life coaching is about creating a transformation which brings life back into balance. Life coaches use a set of tools and techniques to pinpoint their client’s goals and to empower them to achieve those goals by providing direction, support and challenge. Life coaches work on the basis that the client has the answers within themselves. Whilst there is a huge benefit in working directly with a life coach to enable you to make a transformation, there are also many life coaching tools and techniques which you can use yourself, without guidance. By incorporating some of these methods into your daily life, you'll be taking significant steps towards achieving your dreams and desires. Life coaching techniques explored Here are 11 life coaching techniques and tools which I incorporate into my life coaching practice and recommend for you to try. 1. SMART goal setting Goal setting is a fundamental life coaching tool. As the well-known saying goes, “If you don’t know exactly where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?” Setting goals forces you to get really clear on what it is you want. And with clarity comes magic. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. Without those aspects, goals can be too lofty to be meaningful and they can easily drift into the future. SMART is the only acronym I have happily taken with me from my days in the corporate world – it just works! 2. Visualization Our minds are powerful beyond belief. Instead of focusing them on the things you don’t want, start to use your mind to imagine what you do want. This will help lift you out of your current reality. A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies – such as this University of Chicago one from 1996 – which prove visualization is an effective strategy, especially within the sporting arena. RELATED: Visualization meditation – how to practise it Think of yourself in a particular situation and imagine exactly the outcome you desire. For example, if you’re feeling some anxiety about giving a work presentation, imagine how you will feel before, during and after and taking positive feedback from your audience. Keep visualizing this until the day you actually have to give the presentation. Alternatively, you can also get creative by making a vision board which brings your goals to life and serves as a daily reminder of the transformation you want to make. Visualizing success can put you on the path to achieving it shutterstock/Triff 3. Taking a helicopter view It can be easy to get lost in the details of your current reality. This can also keep you stuck and create a low vibration. A really simple but effective life coaching technique is to imagine that you’re up high in a helicopter, looking down on your life. From this vantage point, very often it can help you see the bigger picture of why things might be challenging for you at the moment and how it could serve as a catalyst or a stepping stone towards a positive transformation. 4. Creating headspace The clarity that people seek to enable them to make a transformation is rarely found in a cluttered, over-busy mind. For clarity to emerge, your head needs space. As a holistic life coach, this method forms the basis for much of my approach. Space can be created in a number of ways, such as meditation, mindfulness or simply going for a walk in nature. I often recommend to clients that they give themselves permission to take a week off from thinking about or working towards their goal. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, it’s amazing what messages can come through! 5. Connecting with your intuition This is a big one. Very often, we look for answers outside of ourselves. We look for validation of our ideas, we look for others’ approval before making a change, and we look for total reassurance that we are making the right decision. This is one of the biggest causes of inertia. “A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies which prove visualization as an effective strategy.” However, you have constant access to a ‘superpower’ to help you – your intuition (that inner knowing, that gentle nudge, that gut feeling). Encouraging clients to be guided by their heart first and then letting their head kick in is a life coaching technique I use with every client. As the Einstein quote says, “The intuitive mind is a faithful gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift”. Try connecting more with your intuitive mind first. 6. Journaling This life coaching tool is something I encourage with all my clients. Journaling is a way of emptying the mind of unhelpful or destructive thoughts. It’s a way of making sense of them so that they can be released to make room for more positive, empowering thoughts. It also gives you an outlet to explore any new ideas so they can start taking root. RELATED: Future self journaling Journaling can be done at a set time each day, perhaps for five or ten minutes before bed or first thing in the morning. Alternatively, keep the journal with you at all times and use it to capture thoughts, feelings and ideas as and when they arise. I recommend that you write freely, from the heart, and with no judgement about what comes out. Journaling is what I refer to as the closest thing to a therapist – in paper form! Journaling gets new ideas onto paper and out of your head 7. Shushing the ‘shoulds’ This one is not so much a life coaching tool as it is a mantra for living a more authentic life. When I was on a career break in Australia back in 2010, a yoga teacher shared this expression with me and it stuck. So often, we make choices based on what we feel we ‘should’ be doing, saying, thinking or feeling – according to our family, friends, employers or society at large. The next time the word ‘should’ comes into your head or out of your mouth, I recommend a little alarm bell ringing to remind you to check in with yourself. Is there a more authentic, aligned choice you could make? 8. Gratitude When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results. Nothing shifts your vibration quicker than the practice of gratitude. It can be done anytime and anywhere. And there is always something we can be grateful for, even if we want to change a situation. Very often, clients express to me how much they hate their job or employer. I recently asked a client what she might be grateful for about the job she was desperate to escape from. After the initial shock at my question had worn off, she cited earning money (enabling her to travel) and enjoying banter with colleagues. Your current challenge itself is something you could potentially show gratitude for, especially if you are able to view it as a catalyst for change. 9. Affirmations Affirmations are positive statements you repeat to yourself which enable you to overcome limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns. You are using affirmations all the time whether you realise it or not, with the things you say to yourself, often at a subconscious level. “When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results.” This practice is about consciously choosing the things you say to yourself in support of the changes you wish to create. For example, if you had a limiting belief that you should always put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, you can turn that around into an affirmation which states, “I give myself permission to tend to my own needs”. RELATED: How to stop self-sabotage – 5 techniques to try 10. Calling on your inner mentor When clients are feeling stuck or lacking confidence, often they have a loud inner critic. If you also identify with that critical, negative voice in your head, the life coaching technique I recommend here is to access your inner mentor. Just imagine yourself in 30 years time and that you are looking at your current self from that new vantage point. What messages would you give your current self? Realise that this is not your older self but actually the wiser part of your current self – your inner mentor. Access your inner mentor whenever you doubt yourself or your inner critic is getting loud! 11. Anchoring This final life coaching tool comes from NLP and gives you a quick way to generate a more positive association with a particular topic or goal through the use of an external trigger. For instance, I had one client who was feeling very low and joyless and had lost his spark. I suggested he dug out an old photo of the last time he felt joyful and at peace. He found a photo of himself at the 2018 Winter Olympics and it reignited a feeling of passion and the possibility of reconnecting with his true self. What photo or object has a particularly positive association which could serve as an anchor for you? Takeaway: life coaching tools So, there we have it, a selection of life coaching tools and techniques which are easy to access, simple to use and bring about powerful results. Have a go at using one of them over the next seven days, beginning with the one you feel most drawn to and see what changes for you. • Main image: shutterstock/Rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Letting go | Motivation Written by Rebecca Kirk Rebecca Kirk is a holistic life and career coach. She helps people who are feeling stuck, out of balance or unfulfilled discover the clarity and belief to choose a path which brings them greater purpose, well-being and joy. She uses an approach which encompasses body, mind and spirit to create a deeper and more lasting transformation.

The global pandemic, political turmoil, and now the ongoing cost-of-living crisis has left many of us feeling increasingly stressed, anxious and upset. With that in mind, Dee Marques shares 11 practical tips to feel stress-free quickly – all backed by science. Stress is one of the biggest health challenges we face today. While a small amount of positive stress can be good for us, ongoing chronic stress can lead to or exacerbate many serious health problems. And with Coronavirus still testing the health and well-being of the globe, it's become increasingly difficult to remain free from stress, with many of us noticing our anxiety levels are on the rise. Indeed, in the US, more than 55 per cent of people claim to feel stressed during the day, a figure that’s well above the global average (35 per cent). Meanwhile, in the UK, nearly 75 per cent of adults say they have felt overwhelmed by stress at some point over the past year. In fact, stress isn't “just stress”, since it affects both our mental and physical health. Studies show a close link between stress and mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Other side effects of unmanaged stress include anger, low self-esteem, loneliness and poor memory. As for its potential impact on the body, stress can cause anything from headaches to digestive disorders, insomnia, skin and hair problems, and increased chances of developing heart conditions. 11 ways to feel stress-free fast Since stress is so widespread, you may wonder if it really is possible to become free from stress. While that may seem hard to achieve, there are definitely things you can do to reduce your stress and anxiety levels that do not require a great deal of time or money. Here are 11 ideas you can try to reduce stress and start to feel calm quickly. 1. The power of houseplants One of the simpler (and more enjoyable) steps you can take is creating a stress-free environment. We can’t always do that at large scale, but there are little things you can do in you home and personal working space. Indoor plants, as humble as they may seem, have become increasingly popular recently and for good reason – they can boost enormously your ability to cope with stress. Plants may reduce blood pressure and stress levels shutterstock/Amilao In fact, a Japanese study compared the feelings produced by transplanting a plant vs working on a computer. The result showed that while the group who worked on a computer had higher blood pressure, those who interacted with plants felt calm and soothed. Indeed, adding indoor plants to your home environment can make a world of a difference and help you to become stress-free. 2. Breathing techniques Our bodies react to stress by going into overdrive. Studies confirm a link between slow controlled breathing and the nervous system: taking deep breaths reminds the brain that it’s time to calm down, and then the brain sends the same message to the body to stabilize the heart rate and release tension in the muscles. If you’re not familiar with the benefits of controlled breathing, it’s time to explore some techniques that can help you control anxiety and help you feel stress-free. Check out the final tip in our article on mindful behavior for a great breathing technique that will relax you within seconds and feel your melt away. 3. Physical activity Exercise causes a spike in endorphins, one of the happiness hormones. To achieve a stress-free state, the key is to engage in physical activity regularly. The type and frequency of exercise depends on your preference and overall health status, but as a guideline, a Finnish medical study found that moderate aerobic exercise was best for higher endorphin levels. “Adding indoor plants to your home environment can make a world of a difference and help you to become stress-free.” Some types of moderate exercise that can bring relief include cycling, brisk walking, mindful running, and water aerobics. The impact of COVID-19 means we can't do all of these right now, but still try and do some form of exercise in your home or garden to keep your spirits up and mental health in check. 4. Body relaxation To become stress-free fast, add a mix of mood-boosting exercise with calming relaxation techniques. Relaxation methods like tai chi, meditation, yoga, or mindfulness have been practised for centuries. Consciously relaxing your body, or even parts of it, can slow down your heart rate, lower stress hormone levels, and boost confidence in your ability to cope with problems. Some techniques you want to try include progressive muscle relaxation, massage therapy, qi gong, and ashtanga yoga. RELATED: Yes, You Can Meditate Lying Down. Here's How and Why 5. Experiment with essential oils Aromatherapy has been around for thousands of years. Even in Ancient Egypt people were aware of the power of aromatic herbs and their role in well-being. The organs responsible for our sense of smell are directly connected to the parts of the brain linked to emotions, so exposure to certain scents can have a positive effect on mood and help reduce anxiety. Lavender essential oil has been widely studied for its ability to induce calm, and it seems effective in the short-term treatment of anxiety and restlessness. Other essential oils to help you become free from stress include jasmine, bergamot, holy basil, rose, frankincense, vetiver and lemon balm. Aromatherapy: sniff to reduce stress shutterstock/Madeleine Steinbach 6. Create a stress-free playlist We’re only beginning to understand the power of music and how it brings stress relief. If, as 17th century playwright William Congreve said, “music has charms to soothe a savage beast”, surely it can help us reach a stress-free state too? One study compared stress levels in surgical patients who listened to music before an operation and those who didn’t, and found that those who listened to music had lower blood pressure and were said to feel less anxious. Some sounds and rhythms can be more effective than others. 7. Do nothing Feeling overwhelmed by tasks or responsibilities is one of the most common causes of stress. Sometimes, the best response is to put everything on hold and do nothing but take care of yourself: something many of us had to do during the COVID-19 pandemic. MORE LIKE THIS: How to Protect Your Energy: 7 Science Backed Techniques What the 12 Pillars of Well-Being Can Teach Us How to Practise Niksen: the Art of Doing Nothing However, if doing nothing is still not an option, consider doing less or doing things at a slower pace, or doing them mindfully. Mindfulness gives you a chance to slow down, focus, and become more aware of your reactions. It has also been connected to lower activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain that triggers fear and stress responses. 8. Visualization techniques Visualization techniques can have a calming effect when stress becomes too much to handle. Immerse yourself in a scene that makes you happy and relaxed, and recreate every sensory aspect of the scene, from the smells to the sights or the sounds. By focusing on the sensory experience as a whole, you direct your attention away from sources of stress. Once that happens, your brain will also signal your body to relax. “Exercise causes a spike in endorphins, one of the happiness hormones. To achieve a stress-free state, the key is to engage in physical activity regularly.” Researchers have found that visualization (also called guided imagery) can boost mood and improve depressive symptoms in multiple sclerosis patients, so it surely can have a beneficial effect on stress too, so consider trying visualization meditation to remove stress. 9. Share your feelings A burden shared is a burden halved, so don’t hesitate to talk someone close to you if worry begins to take over. Sharing your worries can bring a sense of relief, and scientific evidence supports this. A 2013 study found that disclosing feelings of worry and anxiety to someone sympathetic reduced levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. Sometimes you may even prefer to talk to a stranger. Talking therapy is effective in stress relief, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Talking is a therapy to become stress-free shutterstock/Monkey Business Images 10. B vitamins for stress support Did you know that certain vitamin deficiencies can lead to increased feelings of stress? A stress-free diet should be especially rich in B-complex vitamins. Some researchers suggest that these vitamins can lower homocysteine, an amino acid that spikes in stressful situations. RELATED: The Gut-Brain Axis So, it’s a good idea to revamp your meal plan to ensure it includes good amounts of vitamin B-rich foods, such as whole grains, legumes, dark leafy vegetables, seeds and nuts. Making this a habit can help lift your mood and reduce the mental fatigue brought about by stress. 11. Honour your true self Sometimes, stress is a result of internal conflict. There are situations where we must choose between doing what we know in our hearts to be right, and pleasing others or dishonoring our core values. We all have certain values that guide our lives, so take some time to remind yourself of which are the most important to you. One of the steps towards being stress-free is resolving any tension or discrepancies between who you are and who you want to be. This is your opportunity to do just that and feel better. Takeaway: stress-free living During these tough times, try not to let stress and rising anxiety levels get in the way of your happiness. While we all experience stressful situations, there’s no reason to be overwhelmed by them, since we have multiple tools to strengthen our inner-self and become stress-free quickly. So, the next time you feel your anxiety levels rising, give some of our suggestions a try. ● Main image: shutterstock/baranq happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Stress management | Letting go | Motivation Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Most of us have probably asked ourselves what's the point of life'? Indeed, sometimes our time on Earth can seem futile. However, Dee Marques argues that finding meaning in your existence is key and tells you the three vital questions you should ask yourself to help find it. There comes a point in our lives where, no matter how successful we think we are, we’re bound to question why we’re here, what we're doing and where we’re going. Sometimes, posing these questions can help us evaluate our goals and lifestyle and improve them for better physical and mental health. In other cases – perhaps when we're feeling low or vulnerable – wondering what the point of life is can amplify feelings of depression, anxiety and emptiness. As humans, we’re unique in the animal kingdom, among many other reasons because of our quest for finding fulfilment and happiness in life. We aim to do more than eat, sleep, reproduce, and stay safe. This quest for meaning has characterised humans since the beginning of times and it’s a central question in every culture. And according to scientists, the search for meaning seems to be coded into our nature: our brains are larger and with this comes the ability to appreciate things beyond meeting our basic needs. • JOIN US! Need support? Sign-up to happiness.com and join a community that cares • And we can do more than appreciate the positive and joyful aspects of life. Trying to find meaning in negative experiences is also an ability that’s unique to humans, and that’s precisely what leads us to ask 'what's the point of life'. So how can we go about finding an answer? Let’s look at some practical ideas. What's the point of life? What if the purpose of life was finding a way to forget about the question 'what's the point of life?'! Maybe there’s no single thing that brings meaning per se, but the journey itself may be what helps us find purpose. And when we talk about the journey, we mean every aspect of it, from savouring the pleasant experiences to learning from mistakes. What's the point of life? Both meaning and purpose But for the journey to be meaningful, it must be the result of your own choices. Some people try to find meaning in wealth and fame, but this doesn’t have to be your story. As a living being, you’re in a unique position to decide what your purpose should be. We didn’t choose to be born, but we can choose how to live our lives and how to enjoy it. “What if the purpose of life was finding a way to forget about the question 'what's the point of life?'” To do that, it helps focusing on being consciously grounded in the present. Practising mindfulness creates a greater awareness of what it means to be alive. It helps your mind get more in touch with your emotions, reactions, and with your five senses. This type of clarity can open your eyes to things or experiences that help you to live your life with purpose. And mindfulness is not the only thing that can bring us clarity: there are some questions you can ask yourself to inspire your search for purpose. The 3 questions to help you find meaning The quest for meaning in life is so vast that the very thought of getting started can make you feel overwhelmed. Discovering what the point of life is is a lifelong journey and the steps and stages won’t be the same for everyone. However, there are some questions that you can put you on the right track to begin the journey of discovery. 1. What would you like to be remembered for? As humans, we tend to focus on the present and in the future. If you examine your ambitions, you may find that they’re limited to what you want to achieve this year, next year, on in the next decade. But have you thought about what you’d want to be remembered for? RELATED: How to Find Yourself Again: 10 Steps in Creating Clarity The answer to this question is usually related to career or spiritual goals rather than material ones, and thinking about it can help bring into focus the true essence of your being. If you're feeling lost in life, writing your obituary can be a great exercise in confirming what you'd like to be remembered for. 2. If you had super-powers, which problem would you solve first? There’s no shortage of serious problems in the world, and while it’s not always in our hands to solve them, thinking about which problem you’d give priority can hint at where your main concerns are. Once you know that, you can start looking for ways of doing your part. For example, if you find that you’d want to end world hunger, you may want to spend some time volunteering at a soup kitchen, or creating a community food garden. 3. What’s the one activity that makes you lose track of time? We all know that time drags on when we’re doing something we dislike. But the opposite is also true: there are some activities that make time fly because they get our full attention and bring us a sense of fulfilment. Losing track of time when doing something is known as finding your flow, and it's a clear sign that the activity taps into the things that make us come alive. So, spending more time in those activities can help you enjoy a more meaningful life. These questions are just the starting point: we’ve written an article about other ways to guide your search for meaning. What's the point of life? Being enough There’s no doubt that knowing what your purpose in life is can bring you closer to happiness. But if you’ve been trying to find out what your role in life is and have found no answer, don’t torture yourself. People’s experiences are different and not everyone will find the right answer at the same time. Gratitude: having enough can be enough shutterstock/WAYHOME studio What’s more, rushing into finding an answer will only put you under pressure and cause stress. Instead, try to see it from a different perspective: if you haven’t found an answer yet, simply “being” should be enough for now. Here are four suggestions on how to make that work: 1. Find abundance in having enough The powers of gratitude are proven by science. Make a list of things you already have in your life that make you feel blessed and grateful. Through mindfulness practice, you can find abundance in these things, and you may find that having enough is… enough! 2. Get comfortable with discomfort Life can feel like an uphill battle sometimes, at it's at those times when we might wonder what's the point of life or of going through hard times. However, discomfort in life is unavoidable and trying to find meaning in those experiences often leads to frustration. So, try to accept life for what it is and know that the hard times won't last for ever. “Discovering what the point of life is is a lifelong journey and the steps and stages won’t be the same for everyone.” 3. Let your intuition guide you Finding the meaning of life requires some analytical thinking, but sometimes logical reasoning doesn’t have all the answers. The key is to balance rational thoughts with intuition, which sometimes will contradict all logical arguments. Listen and trust that inner voice because it usually knows what’s good and right for you! 4. Forget what others think or are doing Some people seem to have their life’s purpose figured out, but comparing yourself to them isn’t helpful. The point of life is to live it in your own terms and at your own pace, and that should be the main focus. For the same reason, don’t let other people’s opinions affect you when it comes to what you find meaningful or how you go about finding your ambition, role or purpose. • JOIN US! Struggling with life? Sign-up to happiness.com and share your story • The takeaway: the point of life So, what is the point of life? If there’s one thing that holds true for most of us, it's that the point of life is to live and experience things to the fullest, whatever that “fullest” means for you right now. Don’t rush your quest for meaning. Instead, make a point of finding joy in what you already have and try your best to feel grounded in the present. At some point, you’ll find the answer you’re looking for, and in the meantime, enjoy the journey! • Main image: shutterstock/Song_about_summer Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Is the intuitive thought process reliable, and can we quantify it? Sonia Vadlamani discusses forms of intuitive thinking and why implementing these can help us make better decisions. Perceiving an important lesson or a mysterious insight without any logical thought or reasoning being utilized –also known as intuitive thinking – has been prevalent in us humans since time immemorial. “There can be as much value in the blink of an eye as in months of rational analysis,” claims author Malcolm Gladwell. As a matter of fact, we often apply intuition alongside rationality, logical reasoning, and facts, while we are assessing a situation, even if we are unaware of it. What exactly is intuition? Intuition refers to responses or feelings that do not arise from deliberate reasoning or conscious thinking. The subconscious brain stores lessons and findings from our past experiences and attempts to recognize and retrieve these thought patterns in similar situations. These learnings are often lightning-fast and not logical at the outset but seem to occur from a deep-seated knowledge. “Intuition involves a sense of knowing without knowing how one knows,” states Dr Seymour Epstein, Professor Emeritus in Psychology at University of Massachusetts. Also known as a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘hunch’, intuition can play a crucial role in day-to-day choices as well as complex decisions, so that aunt with an uncanny foresight for predicting a tragedy or the friend who sometimes can spot incoming trouble when she meets your love interest, may in fact be relying on their intuition to make these decisions. RELATED: 7 ways to tap into your intuition Relying on intuition has saved me from physical harm and mental distress many a time. A few years ago I was returning with a group of friends from a road trip spanning several thousand miles. We debated whether to keep driving through the night to cover more distance, or to halt at an inn, so we’d be rested and refreshed when we started driving again in the morning. I usually rush through the return journey as I start missing home, but curiously my gut told me to avoid it this once. “Don’t drive tonight” was the specific answer I was hearing from within, and though surprised, I heeded it nevertheless. Intuitive thinking is our inner 'gut feeling' I didn’t quite understand the need to take a break in this manner, but somehow managed to convince my friends to do the same. In the morning, when we started driving afresh after a good night’s rest and a nourishing breakfast, we witnessed a massive accident on the bridge which was the only way out of the town. A sleep-deprived driver had tragically driven a bus off the bridge into the river the previous night, causing a traffic mayhem which had begun to clear only in the morning. If we had driven through the night, we’d be exactly there at the time of the accident. While we felt extremely sorry for those who’d been in the mishap, I was incredibly glad I listened to my inner voice. Intuitive thinking and cultures Interestingly, one’s tendency to trust their intuitive thought and the context it’s used for is warped in cultural and geographical influences. According to Gerd Gigerenzer, director at Max Planck Institute for Human Development, intuitive thinking is considered somewhat inferior to rational thinking and logical deduction in the North American and South Korean subcontinents. In contrast, a study by Emma E. Buchtel et al revealed that East Asians tend to favor intuitive reasoning more as compared to those from other regions in the world. In Japan, inner intuitive thought is encouraged as the primary reasoning method from a tender age and is honed with the guidance of masters. • JOIN US! Sign-up and connect with a caring, curious and spiritual community • Also, some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities which help build authentic self, like awareness, mindfulness, staying in the present moment and meditation practices, etc. is prioritized. Researchers claim that we begin to develop and utilize intuition as early as from the age of six, when we are still in the second stage of development, also known as the stage of concrete operations. According to the Truine Brain theory, intuition may arise from near the pineal gland situated in the prefrontal cortex area in the brain, which regulates our emotions or affective system, in addition to granting us lessons or insights with inputs from morality and intuition. “Some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities helping to build your authentic self.” Interestingly, while intuitive thought doesn’t really originate in the gut, the presence of a wide range of neurotransmitter microbes in the gut make it possible for us to register our emotional experiences in the form of gastrointestinal distress. This gut-brain connection enables us to often feel emotions like anger, fear and excitement, etc, in the stomach area, which is why we sometimes call intuitive thought as our “gut feeling”. The four types of intuitive thinking Researchers have theorized four kinds of intuitive thinking, each distinct and unique yet easily identifiable in most situations: 1. Mental intuitive thinking Mental intuitive thought suggests one’s ability to find the solution for a problem, without the need for deliberation or detailed analysis. This intuitive skill is commonly seen or ideal for professions which require quick decisions to be made, like firefighters, negotiation specialists, etc. In fact, the US Office of Naval Research devised an extensive study to investigate the scope of “spidey-sense” or mental intuitive thinking to enable naval officers to make quick and efficient decisions in high-pressure and chaotic circumstances. Likewise, seasoned stockbrokers and financial wizards value their mental intuitive abilities for recognizing favorable market patterns and making winning trading decisions, a skill they mostly attribute to years of experience and discipline. 2. Emotional intuitive thinking Emotional intuition refers to one’s ability to immediately sense someone’s emotional state and personality traits. Michelle Despres, Intuitive Medium therapist and the author of Intuitively You: Evolve Your Life and Mend the World, describes this feeling as “clairsentience” or the “Intuitive Act of Clear Sensing”. A keener emotional intuitive quotient could mean higher empathy levels towards others, which means that in addition to sensing one’s energy vibrations and understanding how they’re feeling, one can also view a situation from their perspective. Intuition relies more on the heart than the head shutterstock/BRO.vector 3. Psychic intuitive thinking Psychic intuitive thinking involves overcoming a problem during a crisis or choosing the best path forward in a difficult situation without putting any deliberate mental effort into it. Psychic intuitive thought can be useful for preventing negative influences, or in determining your social dynamics. 4. Spiritual intuitive thinking Spiritual intuition concerns one’s own self-awareness and experience rather than fact-based reasoning. This kind of intuition relates to one’s connection with the higher dimension and elevated awareness, and is closely related to the principles of Buddhism, which renders it an almost supernatural characteristic. “While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied.” Research states that encouraging intuitive thought and relying on it can lighten our overall cognitive load and reduce the response time, allowing us to make decisions swiftly and more accurately. While intuition facilitates survival by offering quick responses in a situation, it can rely heavily on “cultural capital” or learning inputs specific to our cultural, political, moral, and social landscape. Therefore, it is imperative to counter intuitive thought with rational inputs to avoid bias or inaccuracy in our decision-making process. With sufficient practice over time and by putting your trust in intuitive thought process, it is possible to tap into your intuition to improve your decision-making prowess as well as to boost creativity. Is intuitive thinking measurable? Intuition played an important role in cognition for the greatest philosophers like Plato and Aristotle. Plato believed that intuition, be it supernatural or rational, entails the immediate perception of ideas. Albert Einstein, one of the greatest physicists known to the world, has been quoted extensively as stating, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant.” Einstein maintained that his groundbreaking theory of relativity was a result of his intuitive thinking, even as it faced critical objection from the scientific community then. Despite extensive acceptance of the existence of intuition and its effect on decision-making, most researchers have largely been unable to quantify it. However, a recent study by Joel Pearson et al revealed that the impact of emotional intuition over one’s choices could be measured and quantified. Pearson concludes that intuitive thought or “nonconscious emotional information” can improve the quality of decision making, in addition to improving the speed of decision-making and accurate results. Takeaway: intuitive thinking Indeed, intuition is a complex phenomenon as it is embedded in knowledge and lessons drawn from past experience. While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it accurately. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied. When applied carefully in conjunction with logical reasoning, intuition can offer an extensive competitive edge for individuals, as well as organizations. • Main image: shutterstock/Max4e Photo happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Dream Interpretation | Positive Psychology | Breathwork Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

We all get down sometimes, but if you're stuck in a rut and thinking 'why do I hate my life', it's time to take action. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares 10 practical ideas to help put your life in perspective and turn things around so you can start loving living again. 'I hate my life!' Does this statement (or, rather, exclamation bellowed in agony) resonate with you now or in the past? Then you are not alone. Life can be joyous, exhilarating and breathtaking. However, it is also unpredictable. Challenges arise, we make poor decisions, difficulties get hurled our way. A part of life is to dislike some of it. You might have married the wrong person, and now you loathe your time together. Maybe you were hit by an economic crisis and cannot make ends meet. You may hate your job or have a terrible work life balance. Sometimes it seems only logical to hate your life. I lived in that state for many years. And I do not mean a teenage 'I hate my life!' exclamation when you embarrass yourself in front of the entire class. I'm talking about the darkest loathing of every waking moment. I know how your soul grows black when you feel inescapably hopeless and helpless. Why did I share that with you? Because I want you to know that what you will read is not empty talk. I have travelled the path, and I did so very recently. You, too, can swim back to the surface. How? Read on for some ideas on how to fight the antipathy you nurture towards your own life — and fall back in love with it. What to do when you hate your life: reclaim it Hating your life is not a pretty state to be in. Wrong choices and regret tend to put you off course. I remember when I noticed my life suddenly starting to lose all its colours. I felt lost. I was paralysed by the revulsion when I catalogued all my failures that made my life unenjoyable, to say the least. So, if you have had enough of loathing, start reclaiming your life. It may be a long road to travel. Still, you are bound to become sager afterwards — not to mention happier. If you are wondering what to do when you hate your life, here are the 10 steps you owe it to yourself to take: 1. Take time to reflect The first essential step you need to take is to understand why you're unhappy with your life. It may be obvious, like having a job that drains your energy and has no higher purpose whatsoever. In other instances, the source of your hatred may not be so obvious. It could be a group of aspects of your life, like an unsupportive family, lack of time for hobbies, overly expensive apartment, wrong profession, and so on. What to do when you hate your life? Reclaim it! Take some time to reflect on the topic and write down your thoughts. What it is exactly that you want out of your life? It would be best if you determined exactly where the loathing comes from. Because unless you know why you hate your life, it will be challenging to come up with how to find yourself again and start feeling more positive. 2. Determine what's in your power to change When you're done with the soul-searching from the first step, you should analyse the situation. What is it that you can control and change? And what is out of your hands? For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, there's little point in trying to make the abuser change. However, you can transform your perspective on things. You can gradually start refusing to think about your life and yourself as they dictate. Their insults do not have to be the building blocks of your identity. MORE LIKE THIS: Discover the 10 Keys to Happier Living Feeling Blue Or Clinically Depressed? 4 Things You Should Look Out For How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed: 8 Strategies The Serenity Prayer, regardless of your religion, speaks about a pearl of universal and timeless wisdom: Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other 3. Remove unhelpful automatic thoughts Whatever your situation may be, chances are, the previous step led you to realise your thoughts are always in your hands. Indeed, it's the one thing we can always control, although this is a challenge in itself. We all have many automatic thoughts. Unfortunately, they are often unhelpful. Such maladaptive thinking patterns cause numerous disturbances and difficulties, as a cross-cultural study found. A straightforward example: if you keep thinking “why do I hate my life” then you are gearing your mind towards negativity. “If you're in a situation that makes you unhappy with your life, take time to work on forgiveness. If we replace our unforgiving emotions with empathy and compassion, our bodies and minds heal.” Work on removing such maladaptive thoughts. Challenge them, search for counterarguments. Come up with alternative statements, and start thinking them instead of the negative ones. For example, replace “I hate my life” with “It is in my power to create the life I want”. Remember: you are not your thoughts. Furthermore, a systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. 4. Forgive and self-forgive If you're in a situation that makes you unhappy with your life, take time to work on forgiveness. An extensive review of studies on forgiveness found that if we find it in ourselves to replace the unforgiving emotions with empathy and compassion, our bodies and minds heal. And what about self-forgiveness? When you forgive yourself, you open the doors to growing as a person, a study revealed. According to Stanford University’s summary of recent findings in the field, self-forgiveness leads to: Wisdom Increased ability to focus, success, and higher productivity Better emotional health More quality relationships A sense of happiness and gratitude So, whether you’re feeling guilty for hurting another person, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or for failing to stick to healthy habits, let go of self-hate. Letting go of loathing will help you release your energy for a fresh start and a new, happier life. It's time to be your own best friend and stop self-flagellation. 5. Practise gratitude When you are dissatisfied with your life, you probably have a bias towards seeing the negatives. It may be a strong mental habit, making you blind to the opportunities that are still there for you. However, if you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Focus on all of the good things in your life. Indeed, even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for. Unhappy with life? Practise gratitude and enjoy the simple things It may be your memories and the wonderful moments you've had in the past. It could be your inner strength and perseverance. Look at nature and cherish its beauty. Take a moment to watch the morning and be thankful for seeing it. Savour. Then move gradually towards recognising other positives in your life — friends, family, your home, your job... find the good in everything you can. In that way, you train your mind to stop focusing on the loathsome aspects of your life. Scientific research has confirmed the benefits of gratitude on life satisfaction and happiness. Suddenly, you will start seeing the opportunities to turn things around. 6. Avoid comparisons Comparing yourself to others can make you vulnerable to anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. We're naturally inclined to compare ourselves to others. Social media makes it very difficult not to. However, what people showcase online is carefully corrected and selected to display only the best features. Trying to keep up with those fake standards is bound to make you hate your life. Even when you know images and posts are edited, they can still make you feel inadequate. “If you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for.” So, do not compare yourself. Direct your energy towards your authentic needs and wishes instead. Ask yourself — what would I want if I was not trying to keep up? What would I do if I did not care about praise, money, accomplishments, recognition? 7. Explore your passions Try to remember the last time you felt on top of the world. You were likely living in line with your principles and passions at that time. Now that you are not, you probably feel lost and 'I hate my life' has become your mantra. Therefore, venture on to explore and (re)discover your interests. Ask yourself: “What is it that I used to love doing and believed in?” “What would I want to do if I did not have to care about money or anything else?” MORE LIKE THIS: When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading How to Stop Beating Yourself Up: 7 Techniques That Work Happiness Is A Choice: 8 Ways To Choose It Today Search for the activities that give you something called flow state, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Flow is a state in which you get lost in an activity. You stop noticing time passing and you're 100% absorbed in what you're doing. Csikszentmihalyi’s research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. So, when you are feeling unsatisfied with life, remember what you used to love doing, or try new hobbies: maybe you will find something that reignites your flame. 8. Get support (and input) from your friends and family Hating your life puts you in a dark and, often, lonely place. You may be living under circumstances that isolate you. The heaviness of the feeling might be too much to hide or to share with others. Yet, being alone is a stressor on its own. It can make it too easy to ruminate about what you loathe about your life. Try to “prescribe” yourself socialising with people. Enjoy a casual coffee with friends or a heart-to-heart conversation about what worries you. Studies revealed that social support could help you step out of your head and gain a fresh perspective on things. Embrace family and friends when you're feeling unhappy with life 9. Look after yourself When you're in a state of hating your life, it often becomes difficult to take good care of yourself. However, the mind-body connection goes two ways. When you're sleep-deprived, sick, and physically weak, you become psychologically vulnerable, too. “Come up with alternative statements and start thinking them instead of negative ones. Replace 'I hate my life' with, 'It's in my power to create the life I want.” So, start looking after yourself. Sleep, exercise, get enough fresh air, eat healthy food. Scientific research has proven that physical activity helps lower the levels of stress hormones in your body. It also increases your ability to focus and use your intellectual skills better. As a result, you will gain clarity and better control over your emotions. Same goes for other acts of self-care. Give yourself plenty of self-love, even when you do not feel like it. Your future self will thank you. 10. Make a plan of action After all of the steps above, you're probably ready to make an action plan. Identify what makes you unhappy. Commit to making small steps to improve things. Each day, ask yourself: “What is it that I can do to move closer to my goal today?” The 'why do I hate my life' monster might raise its ugly head a few more times. However, stop sabotaging yourself. Do not allow it to stay in your head for too long. Remember — our time on this planet is limited. You do not want to spend whatever time you have left hating your life — you want to change it while you can. Takeaway: what to do when you hate your life Yes, you only get to live once. So, does it make any sense to hate your life? Is it not wiser to try and change it around? It may take some time, but if you use the rock bottom you're at right now to push yourself back to the surface, you will be able to say: “I survived”. You will start to love living again and enjoy every moment of it. • Images: shutterstock/Srdjan Randjelovic, shutterstock/Serhii Yurkiv, shutterstock/AlessandroBiascioli If you continue to feel low about life, this could be a symptom of clinical depression. If you experience any of the signs of this emotional disorder, make sure to reach out to your local mental health services. In the US, you can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for free and confidential support. Use Lifeline Chat or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In the UK, call 116 123 to talk to Samaritans, or email: [email protected] for a reply within 24 hours. You can also text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, or text “YM” if you're under 19. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting in our happiness forum Authenticity | Power of Purpose | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.