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If you're struggling to move forward and transform your life as you hope, these 11 practical life coaching tools and techniques from holistic life coach Rebecca Kirk can help. Incorporate these methods into your daily life to gain perspective and work more clearly towards your goals. Life coaching is about creating a transformation which brings life back into balance. Life coaches use a set of tools and techniques to pinpoint their client’s goals and to empower them to achieve those goals by providing direction, support and challenge. Life coaches work on the basis that the client has the answers within themselves. Whilst there is a huge benefit in working directly with a life coach to enable you to make a transformation, there are also many life coaching tools and techniques which you can use yourself, without guidance. By incorporating some of these methods into your daily life, you'll be taking significant steps towards achieving your dreams and desires. Life coaching techniques explored Here are 11 life coaching techniques and tools which I incorporate into my life coaching practice and recommend for you to try. 1. SMART goal setting Goal setting is a fundamental life coaching tool. As the well-known saying goes, “If you don’t know exactly where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?” Setting goals forces you to get really clear on what it is you want. And with clarity comes magic. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. Without those aspects, goals can be too lofty to be meaningful and they can easily drift into the future. SMART is the only acronym I have happily taken with me from my days in the corporate world – it just works! 2. Visualization Our minds are powerful beyond belief. Instead of focusing them on the things you don’t want, start to use your mind to imagine what you do want. This will help lift you out of your current reality. A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies – such as this University of Chicago one from 1996 – which prove visualization is an effective strategy, especially within the sporting arena. RELATED: Visualization meditation – how to practise it Think of yourself in a particular situation and imagine exactly the outcome you desire. For example, if you’re feeling some anxiety about giving a work presentation, imagine how you will feel before, during and after and taking positive feedback from your audience. Keep visualizing this until the day you actually have to give the presentation. Alternatively, you can also get creative by making a vision board which brings your goals to life and serves as a daily reminder of the transformation you want to make. Visualizing success can put you on the path to achieving it shutterstock/Triff 3. Taking a helicopter view It can be easy to get lost in the details of your current reality. This can also keep you stuck and create a low vibration. A really simple but effective life coaching technique is to imagine that you’re up high in a helicopter, looking down on your life. From this vantage point, very often it can help you see the bigger picture of why things might be challenging for you at the moment and how it could serve as a catalyst or a stepping stone towards a positive transformation. 4. Creating headspace The clarity that people seek to enable them to make a transformation is rarely found in a cluttered, over-busy mind. For clarity to emerge, your head needs space. As a holistic life coach, this method forms the basis for much of my approach. Space can be created in a number of ways, such as meditation, mindfulness or simply going for a walk in nature. I often recommend to clients that they give themselves permission to take a week off from thinking about or working towards their goal. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, it’s amazing what messages can come through! 5. Connecting with your intuition This is a big one. Very often, we look for answers outside of ourselves. We look for validation of our ideas, we look for others’ approval before making a change, and we look for total reassurance that we are making the right decision. This is one of the biggest causes of inertia. “A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies which prove visualization as an effective strategy.” However, you have constant access to a ‘superpower’ to help you – your intuition (that inner knowing, that gentle nudge, that gut feeling). Encouraging clients to be guided by their heart first and then letting their head kick in is a life coaching technique I use with every client. As the Einstein quote says, “The intuitive mind is a faithful gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift”. Try connecting more with your intuitive mind first. 6. Journaling This life coaching tool is something I encourage with all my clients. Journaling is a way of emptying the mind of unhelpful or destructive thoughts. It’s a way of making sense of them so that they can be released to make room for more positive, empowering thoughts. It also gives you an outlet to explore any new ideas so they can start taking root. RELATED: Future self journaling Journaling can be done at a set time each day, perhaps for five or ten minutes before bed or first thing in the morning. Alternatively, keep the journal with you at all times and use it to capture thoughts, feelings and ideas as and when they arise. I recommend that you write freely, from the heart, and with no judgement about what comes out. Journaling is what I refer to as the closest thing to a therapist – in paper form! Journaling gets new ideas onto paper and out of your head 7. Shushing the ‘shoulds’ This one is not so much a life coaching tool as it is a mantra for living a more authentic life. When I was on a career break in Australia back in 2010, a yoga teacher shared this expression with me and it stuck. So often, we make choices based on what we feel we ‘should’ be doing, saying, thinking or feeling – according to our family, friends, employers or society at large. The next time the word ‘should’ comes into your head or out of your mouth, I recommend a little alarm bell ringing to remind you to check in with yourself. Is there a more authentic, aligned choice you could make? 8. Gratitude When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results. Nothing shifts your vibration quicker than the practice of gratitude. It can be done anytime and anywhere. And there is always something we can be grateful for, even if we want to change a situation. Very often, clients express to me how much they hate their job or employer. I recently asked a client what she might be grateful for about the job she was desperate to escape from. After the initial shock at my question had worn off, she cited earning money (enabling her to travel) and enjoying banter with colleagues. Your current challenge itself is something you could potentially show gratitude for, especially if you are able to view it as a catalyst for change. 9. Affirmations Affirmations are positive statements you repeat to yourself which enable you to overcome limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns. You are using affirmations all the time whether you realise it or not, with the things you say to yourself, often at a subconscious level. “When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results.” This practice is about consciously choosing the things you say to yourself in support of the changes you wish to create. For example, if you had a limiting belief that you should always put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, you can turn that around into an affirmation which states, “I give myself permission to tend to my own needs”. RELATED: How to stop self-sabotage – 5 techniques to try 10. Calling on your inner mentor When clients are feeling stuck or lacking confidence, often they have a loud inner critic. If you also identify with that critical, negative voice in your head, the life coaching technique I recommend here is to access your inner mentor. Just imagine yourself in 30 years time and that you are looking at your current self from that new vantage point. What messages would you give your current self? Realise that this is not your older self but actually the wiser part of your current self – your inner mentor. Access your inner mentor whenever you doubt yourself or your inner critic is getting loud! 11. Anchoring This final life coaching tool comes from NLP and gives you a quick way to generate a more positive association with a particular topic or goal through the use of an external trigger. For instance, I had one client who was feeling very low and joyless and had lost his spark. I suggested he dug out an old photo of the last time he felt joyful and at peace. He found a photo of himself at the 2018 Winter Olympics and it reignited a feeling of passion and the possibility of reconnecting with his true self. What photo or object has a particularly positive association which could serve as an anchor for you? Takeaway: life coaching tools So, there we have it, a selection of life coaching tools and techniques which are easy to access, simple to use and bring about powerful results. Have a go at using one of them over the next seven days, beginning with the one you feel most drawn to and see what changes for you. • Main image: shutterstock/Rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Letting go | Motivation Written by Rebecca Kirk Rebecca Kirk is a holistic life and career coach. She helps people who are feeling stuck, out of balance or unfulfilled discover the clarity and belief to choose a path which brings them greater purpose, well-being and joy. She uses an approach which encompasses body, mind and spirit to create a deeper and more lasting transformation.

Finding happiness isn't always as simple as opening a box labeled joy. Some people find it in the most unexpected places, like BDSM submission. Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her personal journey of overcoming a troubled past and finding her inner peace... What is happiness? It doesn’t come in a neat little package titled, “open me for joy”. So, I had no idea how to find it. As with many girls I knew growing up, my thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence. Happiness, according to everything I knew at this time, came in the form of having things that other people could see. Happiness was external. Yet as I got older and achieved these goals, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. And this was confusing. My whole life I heard that if I had these things, followed this plan, then everything would be OK. That I would be happy. So I got those things, followed that plan and was most definitely not happy! While I loved my husband dearly and adored my children, the problem was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere. Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realized this whole time that I had looked outwards for happiness when I should have been looking inwards. But for me, looking inwards caused a problem... inside, I was an emotional mess. “My thoughts of happiness centered on marriage, having kids, and owning a charming house with a white picket fence.” Many years ago I’d experienced a lot of trauma and my inside was not such a happy place. Certainly, not somewhere I'd look for happiness anyway. While in therapy I actively began to deal with my diagnosis of Complex PTSD. We've all heard of soldiers coming back with PTSD, but Complex PTSD is a bit different. It generally starts earlier in life but not always. It's a trauma brought on in the form of a power dynamic struggle between the sufferer from a caregiver (or other interpersonal relationship) and is long-term. Letting go of control To cope with my pain, I kept part of me kept closed off, in order to stay safe. On the other hand, this also cut me off from being able to find joy in life. I was in a constant state of defence, sometimes known as 'fight or flight' mode. This constant state of stress was protecting me from getting better. In order to heal on a fuller and deeper scale, I needed to let down my walls. I understood what I should to do, but I’m stubborn. To be that vulnerable was scary. Not because I didn’t trust the people in my life, but because it meant letting go of my control. Staying in control is what kept me safe, or so I thought. Spelling it out: PTSD Reaching out for help After trying many different approaches and having discussions with my therapist and husband, we decided that sexual submission might be good for me. It would be a way to get me out of my comfort zone and let go of control in a safe and consensual environment. But my husband wasn’t into domination to that extent, so I began looking elsewhere. Since my husband and I are polyamorous (meaning we are in an open relationship), I ended up finding a Dom that I met through networking with others. We began talking, and soon, I was submitting to him full time. My Dom focuses on helping his submissive partners become better versions of themselves. His focus for me was about helping me be the best mom, wife, and friend I could be. While at the same time, helping me to find joy and success in life. My Dom's focus was to help me find the happiness I was missing. To help me overcome my reliance on external things for happiness. He helped me to find the inner happiness I couldn't find through all the external things I'd acquired. My Dom helped me relearn how to find internal happiness. BDSM submission as a tool Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace. I found a more fulfilling way to love, that inner happiness I was searching for all those years. Finally, I found joy. And all through BDSM submission. By using it as a tool to heal. In handing over my control to him, I allowed myself to trust others. This external trust is what led to my growth and healing. My Dom created a safe space for me to deal with my trauma— both physically and emotionally. He helped me re-contextualize the horrible memories I had. “Without sexual submission, I still wouldn't be happy now. Using it as a tool, I found peace.” Creating new memories and contexts for the old hurtful ones was only possible through having this safe space. It wouldn’t have been possible without handing over my control to him. Complete submission meant I could get out of my head and allow someone else to take the lead. To help me process and heal. So that, in the end, I could find happiness and learn to trust in others again. This also gave me power. I was choosing to give my control to someone else. This turned things around. It became my choice to allow my Dom to be in control. Submission is a choice. It's never forced, and that is the difference between my past and now. My first steps toward happiness Taking the initial steps wasn’t easy, though. While my husband was supportive, I received a lot of judgment from someone close to me at the time. And criticism came from all around. A lot of people challenged my political beliefs. They told me I wasn’t a feminist anymore. Many claimed that what I was doing wasn’t safe. Mostly because they didn't understand what it was that we were doing. People told me that I wasn’t as powerful if I submitted. And I almost listened. I almost gave in and ran the other way. Overcoming things that certain people said was a big part of what I had to do. I also had to deal with my own self-judgment which came after. Which is often harsher than any external criticism. There were judgements coming at me from all angles. In the end, part of me finding happiness meant accepting who I am fully. A big part of who I am that brings me inner happiness, is as a submissive to my Dom. BDSM submission taught me to let go in a way that I couldn't before. It helped me to release trauma and pain so I could replace it with joy and pleasure. Submission changed my life in many positive and healing ways. It brought me the happiness I sought for so long. Submission allowed me to look inward instead of outward for my joy. I no longer fear the darkness inside me. It’s safe to look inside myself. Through BDSM submission, I’ve learned to be a more supportive and loving wife, a better mom, and a true friend. ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

Meditation teacher Ann Vrlak explains five skills that a regular meditation practice can bring to your daily life, encouraging a more peaceful and harmonious way of being. Why do people meditate… exactly? You have probably heard about some of the many benefits of meditation, such as stress reduction, emotional balance or improving your ability to concentrate. I had heard of them, too, when I was first learning meditation, but I also wanted to know how it would help me to manage day-to-day living: like arguments with my partner, financial worries or difficult emotions that seemed to be so hard to let go of. Honestly, I started out as one of those people who wanted to learn meditation to escape – to “transcend” troubling everyday situations. Meditation did provide that – for me and for many people I knew. The time on the meditation cushion was “time away” from my worries and anxiety, and an immersion in a peaceful space. It is wonderful, and therapeutic, to know that you can shift a bad mood or break a stressful train of thought. But, if meditation is only practised as “time away,” it can leave your day-to-day life and the causes of your unhappiness unchanged, and still able to disturb your peace of mind another day. 5 skills you'll learn through meditation So, in this article, I’d like to connect some of the dots for you, to describe five skills you can learn through meditation practice and how they can help you find more resilience and become happier. 1. The skill of equanimity Have you ever met someone who stays calm in the middle of a situation that is stressing out everyone else? They have something called equanimity. It means “evenness of mind, especially under stress.” For example, imagine these situations: your teenager tells you about pressure from their friends to do drugs. Or, your car breaks down on the highway. Or, you have a setback at work. If you were able to find some “evenness of mind, especially under stress,” would you handle these situations differently? Would you be more able to think and feel clearly, and respond in ways you feel proud of (instead of regretful)? Meditation develops the skill of equanimity Being anxious or angry or frustrated are all normal reactions in situations like these and meditation shows you, step by step, how to be skillfully present with them. It teaches you equanimity: the ability to observe and tolerate all kinds of thoughts and emotions, so you don’t react impulsively to them – hurting yourself or others. How equanimity is practised Here is one traditional way to practise equanimity: For five or ten minutes, sit quietly and notice as many of your thoughts and feelings as you can – whether they’re a small worry or a big stressor. Do your best to notice them and name what they are – “worry” or “sadness.” Try not to judge or analyze them or get caught up in stories about them. If you practise this simple exercise for a while, you’ll notice that thoughts and feelings come in all sizes and intensities. The idea is to treat them all the same way: noticing, naming and not judging. Learning some equanimity shows you that you can take a pause before reacting. You see your own unique patterns of thinking and feeling, like you tend to interpret a person’s silence as anger. And you begin to become an expert in yourself, to make your unconscious patterns more conscious and power up your ability to choose differently. 2. The skill of self-compassion A surprising thing about equanimity is that it leads to more self-compassion. Isn’t that interesting? When you’re a little less attached to your thoughts and feelings, you can see them more clearly. And that brings into focus, maybe for the first time, how they upset you, or disconnect you from others when that’s the opposite of what you really want. “Being anxious or angry or frustrated are all normal reactions and meditation shows you, step by step, how to be skillfully present with those feelings.” Self-compassion creates a safe and healing environment for your meditation. Would you want to look at difficult feelings and situations if you knew you were going to be criticized? Practising the skill of self-compassion shows you how to be a reliable friend to yourself, one that cares and helps you put things in perspective. Watch this very interesting short talk about “overcoming objections to self-compassion” by expert Kristen Neff – you may recognize some of your own! In my experience as a student and teacher of meditation, I’ve found self-compassion to be the single most difficult thing for people to understand and practice. And that is another cause for compassion, isn’t it? That so many of us find it hard or even unappealing to treat ourselves with kindness. If you commit to trying self-compassion practice for a period of time (in spite of all the objections your mind will throw at you!), you may be amazed at how much better you feel and how much more open you become to all of your experience and to other people, too. How self-compassion is practised You can add a few minutes of self-compassion into your day or into another meditation practice with these two simple steps: Like the equanimity practice, notice as much of your experience as you can, including physical sensations, like tension in your neck. Notice and name whatever you find, including negative self-talk or criticism about it, and move on to the next thing you sense. Then, care about what you notice. Respond with curiosity and kindness, either in an energetic way – by feeling curious and kind – or by saying caring phrases out loud or to yourself, such as: - “I hear you. That sounds hard, I’m sorry.” - “Tell me more about what that’s like.” - “Stay as long as you like. I’m here.” RELATED: How to practise self-compassion – 6 proven techniques Inner conflict and negative self-talk are exhausting. When you practise self-compassion, especially in the middle of a challenging moment, I guarantee you will learn things about yourself that have been just out of reach. You may feel a bit of opening and softness that comes from truly caring about yourself. And, no big surprise here, you will develop more empathy, becoming more understanding of other people’s perspective and pain, as well. 3. The skill of physical relaxation Physical relaxation is incredibly important. We have all developed habits of tensing certain parts of our bodies when we’re upset or stressed. And those physical patterns can then become part of a cycle of emotions, thoughts and physical tension that perpetuates anxiety and depression. Try deep, calming breaths to create relaxation shutterstock/shurkin_son When this kind of cycle is set in motion, you’re on automatic pilot. You have no “space” to intervene or make a new, positive choice. But, you can break into this cycle by physically relaxing in the moment. In the middle of a traffic jam, take a few deep, calming breaths. Worried about a presentation at work? Do the same. Physical relaxation exercises are powerful because they work on two fronts: They activate the calming processes and chemicals in your brain. They take your attention away from thoughts and feelings that make up your anxiety or depression cycle, onto the relaxation exercise. How to practise physical relaxation Thankfully, you can find many meditative relaxation practices online. Choose one or two that help you focus on body awareness or breath practice. Here is a great one from Tara Brach, and another powerful exercise. Also, you can try this simple soft belly breath. For a few minutes, feel the sensations of your breath in your belly, feeling the up and down motion. Centre your attention there, rather than higher up in your chest or throat. “Inner conflict and negative self-talk are exhausting. When you practise self-compassion, especially in the middle of a challenging moment, you will learn things about yourself that have been just out of reach.” As you breathe, equalize the four parts of your breath to a count of four: breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four and hold for four. 4. The skill of skillfully being with thoughts and feelings This skill has been implied throughout this article, and it is the next step, once you have gained some equanimity, self-compassion and the ability to relax. With these skills, you can relate in increasingly positive and healthy ways with how you think and feel. This skill will be a huge boost in your ability to: Be self-aware. Recognize just how much some old ways of thinking and feeling are holding you back from connecting with yourself and with others. Choose new, empowered thoughts that will help you grow in ways you may have wanted to for a long time. It’s important to know: don’t simply tell yourself you “should” believe these thoughts. Try them and be curious, watching for changes in how you think and feel. Be with, understand and respond to your emotional life in healing ways. When it comes down to it, our emotions are like the air we breathe: they colour, not only how we feel, but what we see and what we do. Relate to people in conscious, healthy and connecting ways. How to practise skillfully being with thoughts and feelings skillfully All of the mini practices described so far will help you practice this skill! 5. The skill of cultivating silence Last, but definitely not least, is the skill of cultivating silence. If you practise some of the skills I’ve described, you will learn a lot about the “things” in your life: your work and career, emotions, relationships, beliefs. You will also develop the skill to recognize what is behind those things, so to speak, a sense of quiet knowing. Psychologists and scientists have a lot to say about how our plugged in, multitasking lifestyles are hard on our brains and our happiness. The ability to recognize and enjoy silence is becoming a dying art. Meditate on silence and peace shutterstock/UfaBizPhoto But all of us need to know how to turn off, to find a place of rest and rejuvenation. The beauty of meditation is it will show you how to find this place – any time and anywhere. Many traditional meditations see this cultivation of silence as a core skill, as the source of balance, intelligence and compassion each of us can draw on. RELATED: The power of silence You can take a minute, any time, to be with difficult thoughts and feelings in the middle of a conflict, and touch into silence. For a moment, nothing needs to be done, but rest in inner quiet and refresh yourself. And see what comes next. Conclusion Together, these five skills strengthen your ability to respond wisely to life situations, rather than reacting in habitual, impulsive ways. You create a pause where you can remember your intentions and your values, for your own well-being and the well-being of the people you care about. You create space for your best self to see things in big ways, and to act in big ways too. The life skills you can learn from a meditation practice have virtually no limits. The key is to keep one thing at the front of your mind: how does this practice, insight or understanding relate to the important things in my life, like my sense of self-worth, repeating negative thoughts and feelings, my achievements, my self-expression, my loved ones and my happiness? Keep connecting those dots and, over time, your meditation will become much more than something you do to reduce stress or relax. It will become a way to weave your deep strengths and joy into whatever you do. Main image: shutterstock/Pheelings media happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Stress management | Burnout Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Friends and relationships will come and go in life, but we will remain with ourselves for ever. So, it makes sense that we learn how to be our own best friend. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores eight ways you can support and love yourself and stay happier. Most of us know how to be good friends; by being supportive, kind, understanding. Also by knowing how to listen — when to stay quiet and when to ask the right questions. Indeed, a good friend knows when to be the voice of reason and when to be the most enthusiastic cheerleader. They know when to act and when to silently be there for another, showing that they care. You surely have been a great friend on many occasions. You've saved a friend from pain. You've helped them when they had it rough. You gave them the courage they needed to pursue their talents. However, do you know how to be your own best friend? Think about it this way. You are the only friend you are guaranteed to have for as long as you live. So, it makes sense that you strive to be your own best friend. Being your own best friend: a personal reflection I was talking to my best friend a few weeks ago. I expressed an insight I came to recently — when the toughest moments of our lives come, we are immensely and utterly alone. He looked at me in silent disapproval. This thought seemed too gloomy for him with his everlasting enthusiasm and optimism. Still, it is not a pessimistic realisation, even though it might seem like one at first glance. Why? Because you can be the ultimate support to yourself. You can be your own best friend who will be there with you no matter what. What I came to understand is this — whether you are surrounded by support or alone, it is ultimately you (and you alone) who goes through whatever comes your way. When you have a decision to make, a move to take, and consequences to bear, friends can help. However, when the pain comes, you are the one who will need to keep standing. You need to do the work and dig yourself out of despair. No friend, however supportive, can do it for you. You will need to be your own best friend. For several years, everything in my life was collapsing. Punches and losses kept coming without mercy, one after the other, brutally strong. The agony, fear and anguish went far beyond what I could ever imagine (and I am used to enduring a lot). During those years, I was alone. No one knew what I was going through every moment of every day for years. I was, in a way, invisible. Be kind to yourself at all times Not only that. I was also not a very good friend to myself. In fact, I was actually my worst enemy. I loathed and scorned myself incisively. As if what I was going through was not enough. I kept telling myself I deserved all the suffering. I probably needed a reason for putting up with was not to be put up with. Finally, it came to the point where I had a straightforward choice — I was either going to end up dead or learn how to be my own best friend. I chose the latter. How to be your own best friend: 8 ideas So, how can you be your own best friend? There are as many ways as there are people. Indeed, we all have different needs and diverse ways of meeting them. So, we all need different nuances of support and care in friendships. This is why the first of these eight ways to become your best friend states: 1. Get to know yourself What is the first thing you do when you are about to befriend someone? You get to know them, of course. Although we all believe we know ourselves perfectly, there are always bits and pieces hidden from our consciousness. These concealed parts of ourselves can control our lives. For this reason, psychoanalysts Newman and Berkowitz argue in their book titled How to Be Your Own Best Friend that we need to understand ourselves to the core. It means knowing both the most complex truths about ourselves, as well as the magnitude of our potentials. In that way, we can become the kind of support for ourselves we would readily give to others. Therefore, take time for a bit of soul-searching. Journal, examine yourself. Who are you? What aches you? What motivates you? Get to know yourself. 2. Respond to your needs A study on happiness revealed why quality friendships make you happy. You’ve probably heard (or, hopefully, experienced) that having great friends leads to well-being and joy in life. The reason? Good friends help you meet your needs. They are there for you, emotionally, financially, to lend a helping hand. RELATED: The 8 types of friend we all need Therefore, if you wonder how to be your own best friend, think about what you need. Are you hungry for emotional warmth? Do you need a pep talk? Or, do you need to hear the harsh but healthy truth? Do you need some rest? What is it exactly that you need? And now — how can you meet those needs? Help yourself as you would expect your best friend to do. 3. Understand that being your own best friend is not selfish Sometimes, we feel that we are being selfish and egocentric if we are too kind to ourselves. In my (collectivistic) culture, when people start taking care of their needs, they face the risk of being seen as self-centred. Such a conviction is a profound obstacle to becoming your own best friend. “If you wonder how to be your own best friend, think about what you need. Are you hungry for emotional warmth? Do you need a pep talk? Or, do you need to hear the harsh but healthy truth?” However, what good can you truly do to the world if you are drained, depressed, lonely, unhappy? Or, in simpler terms, as drag icon, RuPaul put it: ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else?’ 4. Speak to yourself as you would to your best friend What do you say to your loved ones when you witness them beating themselves up? Probably something like: “Please be good to yourself”, “You’ve got this”, “You are a wonderful and competent person”, “I love you no matter what”, “It’s going to be all right”. And what do you say to yourself when you fail or hit the rough patch? Chances are, your self-talk is the opposite of how you speak to your friends. Unlike compassion, self-kindness often feels unnatural. Be your own best friend. Monitor your self-talk and correct it. Commit to not saying to yourself anything that you would avoid saying to your best friend. Support yourself in the same way you would those you love. 5. Engage in self-care Similar to the previous point, here, you expand the self-care realm from inner talk to all sorts of acts of self-kindness. RELATED: Be good to yourself – 8 self-love techniques How are you eating and sleeping? Are you getting enough exercise? Are you overworked? How are you taking care of your emotional needs? Are you assertive? Do you have toxic people in your life? How will you handle them? Do you meditate? Are you pursuing your hobbies? Do you have enough of what makes you happy? Practise self-care with meditation shutterstock/Deborah Kolb If you saw your friend acting recklessly to the detriment of their physical and mental health, you would speak up, wouldn’t you? You would encourage them to change their habits and eliminate the negatives in their lives. Therefore, you should do the same for you. 6. Write a strengths CV Being a good friend means calling attention to someone’s strengths when they fail to see them. So, when you’re learning how to be your own best friend, you might want to write a special CV — one containing your strong points and talents. Do not be modest. Display all your fortes and successes with pride. Then, hang it somewhere you can look at it often. Whenever you feel you could use some encouragement, go to this list of things that you are amazing at. RELATED: Exploring life coaching techniques and tools Finally, as a psychotherapist Carissa Karner advises, to be your own best friend, you need to learn to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Also, let your inner critic off the hook. Let it go. Focus on things you can do right this time around. 7. Do an act of kindness to yourself This is a fun one. Do you like to surprise your friends with random acts of care and kindness? I always loved to see the child-like joy my friends would have in their eyes when I brought them a small gift out of nowhere, bought them a ticket to a show they liked or took them somewhere nice to buy them to a meal. “When you want to be your own best friend, you are committing to honesty. You will need to call things by their names. Sometimes, it will not be pleasant.” Do the same for yourself. Treat yourself. Take a warm bath with candles and a good book in your hands. Buy yourself that something you have been craving for — just because. Celebrate yourself! 8. Be honest with yourself Finally, being a good friend does not mean being a cheerleader. You would not put rose-tinted glasses on your friend’s eyes while their lives are falling apart, right? When you want to be your own best friend, you are committing to honesty. You will need to call things by their names. Sometimes, it will not be pleasant. Still, it is the right thing to do. Yet, remember, a best friend is also not a bully. Being honest does not mean being mean. Honesty with kindness and compassion is the ideal combination you are after. For example, if you failed a test or messed up the big presentation at work, an honest friend would not go about and blame the professor or the boss. They would tell you that you should not have stayed all night partying instead of preparing for it and getting some good night sleep. Still, a good friend also would not call you a deadbeat (or any of the names you might be inclined to call yourself in such situations). So, find the golden middle and provide yourself with constructive criticism and support. Be the kind of friend who helps you get up when you fall and find your way to growth. The takeaway: be your own best friend for life You are stuck with yourself for life. You could leave partners, quit friendships, cease contact with your family. But the one person that will always be with you is yourself. So, this is where you decide if you are going to be kind to yourself or you are going to be the inner critic, the sadistic voice in your head. I hope you choose to be your own best friend and guide yourself to greatness with self-compassion and self-kindness. • Main image: shutterstock/Dmytro Zinkevych happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Courage | Resilience Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

The monotony of life can have us struggling with boredom. But it doesn't have to be this way! From changing your commute to trying new food, Dee Marques suggests 8 simple and science-backed ideas for shaking things up when you feel like has got stale. Why do we feel bored with life? Isn’t it a conundrum that we so often need a solid routine to feel settled, but once we get there, it doesn’t take long for boredom and fatigue to set in? Another contradiction that has become evident during the past year is that even though we may have more time than ever (especially if working from home), it’s also hard to find things to fill that extra time. Furthermore, even more contradictory is the fact that we now have a wealth of entertainment options at our fingertips. Indeed, digital technology has opened up a whole new world of things to do and learn, yet many people are still bored with life and don’t make the most of all that’s available. Life can be long and can be repetitive, but it’s also short and it would be a pity if we spent it being bored and demotivated. In this article I’d like to share some strategies I use whenever I feel bored with life. Exploring boredom
 We all feel demotivated and bored every now and then, and that’s natural. The cyclical nature of boredom is due to a process called hedonic adaptation. As humans, we have the ability to adapt to change, whether change involves positive or negative experiences. In some ways, this ability has guaranteed our survival as a species, but hedonic adaptation comes with a downside: once we get used to something, it no longer offers a challenge and we become apathetic. Although hedonic adaptation is a natural process, sometimes being bored with life can be problematic. Indeed, researchers have found links between boredom, substance abuse and mood disorders. It’s not that being bored with life can cause all of this, but it can aggravate tendencies or existing problems. For example, boredom can make people with depressive tendencies spiral into negative thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. In other people, feeling bored with life can trigger high-risk or destructive behaviours (like substance abuse or gambling, etc.) just to get a thrill. Bored with life? It's time to find meaning shutterstock/garretsworkshop Moreover, there’s a difference between being bored with life and being tired of life. The latter is what psychologists call existential boredom, a state in which nothing matters or sparks joy. You could picture it as a chronic feeling of being bored with life. The problem with being with tired of life is that it’s dangerously similar to depression. People affected by existential boredom have deep feelings of inadequacy and believe that life is passing them by without them achieving anything meaningful. RELATED: How to find meaning in life – 7 strategies The trick to avoiding this is knowing how to handle hedonic adaption. When apathy sets in, don’t let it take over. Look at it this way: being bored with life is another way the inner self has of asking, “is this all there is to it?”. In other words, a bored inner self is in urgent need of new challenges that bring joy and meaning to life. So, if the rot has set in, here are some ideas to shake things up a little when the monotony and routine of life is getting you down. Bored with life? 8 ideas to shake things up 1. Do something different – every day Novelty is the spice of life, but don’t just wait until you wake up to decide how novelty will look on that particular day. If you leave it to chance, it will never happen! Plan in advance and make a list of new things to try every day of the week. Coming up with ideas may be hard at first if you’re stuck in a rut. What I do is break the day down into different sections. For example, section 1 is “early morning” or “waking up”. Here you could choose to wake up earlier so you can watch the sun rise, start with a new morning meditation routine, or even stay in bed for longer if you’re usually an early bird! 2. Change your commute Seeing the same old sights every day at the same time of the day can be mentally exhausting. The good news is that there’s usually more than one way to get to the same place, so try a new route. If possible, walk, cycle or take the bus to work. It’s amazing how much more receptive we are to our surroundings when we’re not behind the wheel. new parks, green spaces “When apathy sets in, don’t let it take over. Look at it this way: being bored with life is another way the inner self has of asking 'is this all there is to it?'” Aside from helping to shake off your boredom, taking new routes to our workplaces or schools is scientifically-proven to boost your brain. When we try new routes and see new things, we activate the cortex, the part of the brain responsible for information processing. We also stimulate the hippocampus, the part of our brain that stores memory. At one point in his life, Microsoft founder Bill Gates took a new route home each day to stimulate his brain – and look what he achieved! And, if you're working from home, try working from a new place such as a café or co-working space every now and then. If you can’t, change the layout or décor of your home office (if you're lucky enough to have one!). 3. Find purpose in your work Talking of work, what we do for our living is a key component of finding motivation and keeping boredom at bay. Most of us spend eight or so hours a day working, so if you find your job monotonous and unchallenging, it’s easy to become bored with life. If your current role doesn’t bring meaning or purpose, it’s time to start thinking about a new career. Volunteering in your spare time is a way to explore options that may stimulate you without having to quit your current job. And if you can’t change jobs, try to come up with imaginative ways of doing what you already do – you can find 10 suggestions here. 4. Learn something new One of the most exciting things about life is that we all have the chance to never stop learning new things. Indeed, there are always new skills to learn and practise. If you're feeling bored, sign up for a new class, whether it’s something related to a new career path or something creative that can help you discover new talents. It could also be a new workout routine. Exercise is a proven mood booster, and there are so many options to try that it can take months or years to get bored. Personally, I’m a huge kickboxing and martial arts fan, but when I get bored of the same old routine I mix it up with dancing lessons. I’m terrible at it (!), but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps me snap out of that tired-of-life feeling. Turn off the TV and start a new course! 5. Do something for someone else Sometimes, focusing our attention on others is the best way to forget about our own troubles. If you’re bored with life, take interest in someone else’s life. Helping others creates a feeling of purpose, since we know we’re doing something useful, which is central to life satisfaction. So keep your eyes open for signs of people who may need help and think about how you can be useful to others. As a bonus, this will either help you make new friends or create deeper bonds with existing ones. 6. Try new food I recently came across a study on how important novelty is in fighting the feeling of being bored with life. The study looked at the effect of eating popcorn with chopsticks instead of with bare hands (how’s that for a non-boring challenge?) and found that it helped bring more enjoyment and grounding in the present and enjoyment. Even something as simple as finding exotic spices and preparing a new dish can help. 7. Become more mindful A professor at a Canadian University said that “mindfulness is accepting the present moment as it is, whereas boredom is the antithesis of that”. Of course, when when we’re bored with life, the last thing we want to do is think about how bored we are right there and then. But if done with the right intention, an inward and mindful look into our feelings can help. Looking for a place to start? Go through the questions listed in this practise exercise. 8. Cut down on screen time Social media and video games are meant to entertain us, but the problem with new technologies is that they’re designed to deliver instant gratification. Once that’s achieved, we’re on a wild goose chase to find something else that’s new and exciting. “One of the most exciting things about life is that we all have the chance to never stop learning new things. If you're feeling bored, sign up for a new class.” The mechanism behind instant gratification activates certain neural pathways in the brain that are similar to those found in addictive behaviour, which is why some people find it so hard to “disconnect” from the online world. However, digital entertainment doesn’t necessarily help fight boredom. In fact, it spending too much time on it may get in the way of trying some of the ideas suggested above that would make you feel less bored with life. So, either cut down on screen time, or choose carefully the content you consume instead of scrolling mindlessly. For example, instead of allowing the YouTube “black hole” to suck you in, only use the platform to watch videos related to new things you’re learning, as per point #4 above. Conclusion: escaping boredom Straddling the fine line between routine and monotony takes practise and determination, but the pay off is well worth it: you’ll be able to bring new experiences and variety into your life and discover new passions. So, if you’re currently feeling bored with life, don’t wait for the world to entertain you. Take active steps to find meaning and joy by using the ideas I've shared with you here. • Main image: shutterstock/shift drive happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Work life balance | Coaching Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Yes, happiness is a choice and not a result of achievements or purchases. Learn how to maintain your happy vibe with these eight tips from Calvin Holbrook. As editor of this happiness magazine, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I leap out of bed each morning after a restful sleep with a grin on my face, full of great intentions for the day ahead. Not so! Indeed, for the main part, for me, happiness is a choice rather than my natural state of being. In fact, like all of us, I’m not happy all the time (let’s face it, that would just be weird). In reality, for me, authentic happiness doesn't signify a lack of negative feelings such as sadness and pain, but an ability to experience a wide spectrum of emotions while managing to appreciate – and stay focused on – the positive things that I do have in my life. According to psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, roughly 50 per cent of our natural happiness level is genetically determined (our so-called happiness set point). I believe my own happiness set point started out lower down the scale, but, with work, I’ve managed to boost it because – over time and consistently – I’ve made the choice to be happy, even when my life circumstances and situation were telling me otherwise. Choosing to be happy is a constant effort, and to be honest, it’s not something that comes naturally. In fact, I’ve had to train myself to think happy. Indeed, like millions of us, I’ve struggled with periods of depression and anxiety, had to live with periods of debilitating panic attacks or episodes of rumination that have beaten my mental health and happiness down. Along the way, I’ve learned that these problems should not define me or my mood. Indeed, I can still see happiness as a choice, but it requires focus and effort to stay positive (and, of course, professional help or medication when appropriate). Happiness fuels success, not vice versa Most people go through life thinking that happiness is something that happens to them as a result of success or something good happening, for example, getting a pay rise or getting 100 new likes on their latest Instagram post. Indeed, large parts of the population don’t realize that happiness is a choice, and instead go through the motions in life, waiting for joy to pop up and slap them in the face! Stay smiling: make the choice to be happy However, science shows that this type of instant gratification doesn’t really make us happy (not in the long-term, anyway). In fact, there is no magic pill to finding happiness. However, there is one thing that is required to boost well-being, and that is work. Work? Ugh! I’m afraid so. Because happiness is a choice, it needs to be worked at consistently, with effort, care and dedication on your behalf. • JOIN US! Sign-up free now to access online courses in our Academy • In fact, I believe the root to happiness is in the work you put into it. You have to commit to being happy, prioritize it, focus on it, and remain disciplined as much as possible, even in those dark and difficult days – especially on those dark days! If happiness is a choice, how can I work on it? It sounds staggering, but it’s reported that we make around 35,000 remotely conscious decisions every single day. From seemingly inconsequential stuff about choosing what to eat and what clothes to wear, to bigger things like who to love, how to spend our free time, whether to move city or quit the job we feel stuck in. Some of our choices turn out to be great and others not so. What they have in common though is that all of these choices are based in our deep desire to be happy. These choices make up part of our ‘life activity’. As mentioned earlier, genetics make up roughly half of happiness levels. The remainder depends on our circumstances (10 per cent) and this so-called ‘life activity’ (40 per cent). "Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy.” Ralph Marston While we cannot always control our circumstances, we do have more control over our life activity. And if that life activity is said to be responsible for almost 40 per cent of our happiness, we can focus on making better choices here to increase our happiness levels. In fact, we can even make choosing happiness as one life choice! OK, I hear what you might be thinking: all of this is easier said than done. Life is tough. Shit happens. Stuff gets in the way. True, there are many challenging things that we will experience in life and we know that the only certainty is change, so we will always face upheavals. This doesn't mean that all of life is bad, it just means that life is not easy. But happiness does not come from your circumstances or your situation. Happiness comes from a choice that you make within. Learning how to choose happiness I’ve had to train my brain to choose happiness, even when my circumstances suggested the opposite. I believe I’ve boosted my natural happiness set point by carrying out specific ‘feel happier’ activities. If you're struggling to find the root of happiness, incorporate these eight science-backed tips into your daily life and you may start to feel happier. Stick at it, put in the hard work, and you should see results. 1. Choose gratitude and look on the bright side No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive you can find to focus on. It could be the fact you have a place to live, friends and family that love you, have clothes to wear, or even that you have eyes to see and legs to walk with. There are millions of people in the world that don't have some of these things. RELATED: 5 benefits of gratitude practice Since happiness is a choice, start finding things in your life that you're grateful for. It could also be seemingly small, general things that we often take for granted, such as the smell of cut grass, the sound of the ocean, etc. Writing these things down in a gratitude journal helps to solidify your happiness further. Try jotting down three good things about every day: studies have shown that doing this increases optimism, reduces anxiety, and chemically changes the brain to be more positive. 2. Choose to think positively Try to live by the ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ anecdote. Focusing on positive thoughts and trying to reducing negative thinking is easier said than done, but give the following technique a try. Each time you have a negative thought, simply replace it with a positive one. This practice will help to retrain your habitual thought patterns to bring more positive thoughts and happiness into your life. Changing perspective on your situation will help you find happiness. If you’ve made a mistake – however big – try to focus on your past achievements instead, actually visualizing your previous successes and happy times. 3. Choose to smile Turn that frown upside down! One of the most important figures in the fields of mindfulness and meditation, Thích Nhất Hạnh once wrote, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”’ Indeed, studies have shown that smiling and other external expressions work as a continual feedback loop, helping to reinforce our internal emotions. A study by scientists at the University of Kansas found that making yourself smile can help lower your heart rate during stressful activities. So, smiling even when we feel down will gradually makes us feel happier (and healthier). Try smiling at strangers, too: as well as being a choice, happiness is also contagious. Grin gains: force a smile and choose to feel happier 4. Choose kindness When you choose to do kinds acts for other people, so-called happiness hormones are released, boosting your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of well-being and satisfaction. Endorphin levels also rise, leading to a phenomenon known as a 'helper’s high’. • JOIN US! Discover more tips on happiness with our open and inspired community • Another physical benefit of kindness is that it can help to lower anxiety. Social anxiety is associated with low positive affect (PA), which relates to an individual’s experience of positive moods such as joy, interest, and alertness. A four-week study on happiness from the University of British Columbia found that participants who engaged in kind acts displayed major increases in their PA levels that were maintained during the study duration. 5. Choose meaningful relationships/interactions Research shows that happier people have rewarding social relationships. Indeed, we humans are a social species and need regular contact. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness and recent studies show it can be as harmful to mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. So, to make a happiness a choice, choose quality friendships. In fact, even a short positive interaction with a stranger can contribute to you feeling happier. 6. Choose to be more mindful Mindfulness meditation is an easy way to try to increase your happiness levels. Start your day with just 10-15 minutes of meditation, shortly after waking: the immediate heightened inner clarity and focus it will give you will set you up for what’s ahead. Many studies have shown that mediation can boost happiness levels by reducing stress hormones, shrinking the part of the brain that controls anxiety, and by stopping rumination, amongst other things. “No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive you can find to focus on. Since happiness is a choice, start finding things in your life that you’re grateful for.” And, according to Psychology Today, meditation is the strongest mental practice that has the power to reset your happiness set point, thus turning you into a more joyful person and literally rewiring major areas in your brain so you can feel happier. 7. Choose a purpose Meaningfulness is a happy factor that you can extend into your whole life. Whether it's volunteering, gardening, or becoming politically active, activities with a purpose have been shown to boost people's happiness and reduce stress levels at the same time. A study from the Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that people who took part in such activities became 34 per cent less stressed and 18 per cent less sad. 8. Choose to be satisfied Ex-US President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And in today’s Insta-ready society this rings true more than ever. In a social media savvy world, flaunting your money, travels and other supposed successes or happiness is all too common, especially with the younger generation. However, if happiness is a choice, then comparing yourself to other people will only result in unhappiness. Rate your mates: quality friendships bring happiness In fact, data from a 2010 survey of 19,000 Europeans showed that those who compared their incomes to others were less happy with what they had. The comparisons that were most damaging to happiness were when people compared their incomes to those of school and university friends (even though we know that money can’t buy happiness, right?) Choose to be satisfied with what you have and stop comparing your life to that of others: reduce the time you spend scrolling through social media. Conclusions: why happiness is a choice Abraham Lincoln is famously quoted as saying, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” And he was right. Happiness is a choice but also a daily practice that requires time, effort and dedication. By carrying out our suggestions above, you should hopefully start to see some benefits. But, if you still fail to feel happy, take time to think through your actions. Are you doing the things you need to choose happiness or are you letting your emotions take control? If you’re trying to feel happier and you remain down or struggling with depression, consult with your GP or therapist to seek professional help. Happiness is a choice and choosing help is a also a great step to getting started if you’re feeling blocked. • Choosing happiness becomes easier when you have the right tools to help you. Sign up free to happiness.com today to access our online Academy and share and support others in our forums. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Gratitude | Thich Nhat Hanh | Purpose of Life Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, as well being an artist and lover of travel, swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Some people still think they will attain happiness through achieving goals or obtaining material things, but science suggests this is not the case. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains why happiness is an inside job and shares a three-step plan to develop your inner joy. Most of us realise that happiness is an inside job on one of two typical occasions. The first is when you get everything you thought you ever wanted... and then you find yourself still unable to find exhilaration in life. The other is when you lose everything you thought you could not do without... and then find out you have to find another way to feel good. I have experienced both such events, and each time I realised: happiness really is an inside job. After all, I cannot let external circumstances dictate how I will feel all of my life, can I? This article will explain why happiness comes from within and support this claim with scientific findings. We will also look into techniques and tools that will help you develop the ability to be happy with what you have at any given moment. Why happiness is an inside job Taking the phrase quite literally, there are two components to the claim that happiness is an inside job we need to think about. Firstly, that happiness happens inside of us. Secondly, that is a job — in other words, not something that happens naturally to us, but something we need to work at. Let us explore both elements. Inside vs outside We all recognize that happiness is an internal experience, a feeling that runs through our being. Still, we mostly expect it to come as a result of external circumstances. Unfortunately, there are many myths surrounding happiness. Sonia Lyubomirsky, a researcher in the field, summarised seven detrimental beliefs we usually hold about the feeling that do us no good. They mostly revolve around a conviction expressed as: “I will be happy when…” (something happens). The “when” is then filled with our individual aspirations – when we find the right partner, have three children, get the perfect job, have a certain amount of money in the bank, live out of our hobbies, travel the world, and so on and so on. Happiness is an inside job: showing gratitude helps shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk The pursuit, theoretically, may never be completed. To simplify things crudely, this is the reason why in Buddhism, yearning is seen as the cause of suffering. I have experienced the manifestation of this truth more than once in my life. The latest incident happened recently. I finally realised a goal I had set for myself three years ago – to invest in real estate. It was a modest investment by all means, but it was enough in my mind. I had been working myself to oblivion for three years to gather enough money and buy a property; a small house in the countryside for my daughter and me to enjoy some time in nature every now and then. “We seem to overlook that we are in control of how we feel; that happiness is an inside job. We need to dedicate some effort to achieving and preserving happiness.” I kept promising myself that once I achieved this goal I would take it easy with work and start enjoying my life a bit more. I will be happily relaxed, knowing that we have everything we need. No more sleepless nights and stressful days filled with fatigue. And then, I caught myself doing something that made it clear to me that happiness is an inside job. I began thinking about starting (and investing more money into) a glamping business at the property I bought! In translation — I cannot just be satisfied about what I finally had achieved, I needed to do more. I may not be satisfied with where I am. I need to relinquish my right to sleep, leisure — and happiness — until I achieve the next goal. Money can't buy happiness (except when you spend it like this) What make people happy across the world – happiness in different cultures What is happiness exactly, anyway? So, inevitably, one thing comes to mind. No, I will not be happy with the next thing either. Happiness is an inside job. We choose to be pleased with something or be miserable about this or that. If this were not the case, we would see massive differences in happiness based on various external factors such as age, marital and socioeconomic status, education, religion or competencies. But we do not. Even though consistent and assumably causal, the differences revolve between 10% and 15%. So, there must be some other reason why some people (and nations) are happy regardless of what they have, where and how they live. Indeed, some individuals and cultures seem to know how to maintain peace and contentment regardless of what is happening in their lives and how much they have. And the reason? Those people understand that happiness is an inside job. One cannot rely on good luck or attainments to be joyful. We need to do the work inside. Job vs passivity A detailed look into 15 nations’ beliefs about happiness revealed that people across the world believe that happiness is fragile. We consider it fleeting. When happy, we feel that this may easily turn into a less favourable state. This culture-wide conviction reflects our passivity in the face of emotions. We seem to overlook that we are in control of how we feel, that happiness is an inside job. In other words, we need to dedicate some effort to achieving and preserving happiness. We cannot just wait for something or someone to make us jovial. But how to do the work? If happiness is an inside job, what are the tools of the trade? How to become happier with what you already have Now that we have understood that happiness is an inside job, we need to speak about how to work towards it more. At the basis of every tool I suggest here is one tenet — proactivity. Instinctively, most of us merely go with the flow of events and emotions. Nonetheless, proactive emotion regulation is a key to maintaining resilience in the face of adversities. We give you a few techniques to try in order to learn how to enact the “happiness is an inside job” principle in practice. Before we delve into four practical options, we will look into a concept at their core. Happiness is an inside job primarily dependent on learning and re-learning how we perceive others, ourselves, and our prospects in life. In other words, to become happy regardless of what destiny throws on our path, we need to learn to be optimistic. Nothing speaks of the fact that happiness is an inside job as the concept of learned optimism. It is a notion found in positive psychology postulated by its founding father, Martin Seligman. “When we develop gratefulness, our long-term well-being significantly improves, as has been confirmed by scientific research. So, learn to acknowledge the good in your life and keep counting your blessings.” In essence, learned optimism means acquiring a conviction that we can change our attitudes and behaviours towards life events. And we can decide to have control over how we feel. According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary, learned optimism is: an explanatory style that attributes causes for negative events to factors that are external, unstable, and specific: That is, problems are believed to be caused by other people or situational factors, the causes are seen as fleeting in nature, and they are localised to one or a few situations in one’s life. Nonetheless, Seligman also warns about the perils of extreme and unrealistic optimism. The techniques to develop a healthy (and healing) dose of optimism are: 1. Being grateful for your blessings Gratefulness means being appreciative of what is valuable and meaningful to yourself. We all have many things to express gratitude for in life on a daily basis. Are you reasonably healthy? Are your loved ones safe? Do you have a roof over your head? Have you already experienced many beautiful moments in your life so far? RELATED: The attitude of gratitude – six reasons why it can change your life And those are merely the basics. Those of us – particularly in the Western world – tend to forget to recognise how blessed and well off we are. Indeed, our natural response is to usually focus on what we do not have, rather than what we do. On the other hand, when we develop gratefulness, our long-term well-being significantly improves, as has been confirmed by scientific research. So, learn to acknowledge the good in your life and keep counting your blessings. 2. Helping others who are in a greater need than yourself When you accept the principle that happiness is an inside job, you develop agency. In order to further expand the learned optimism in you, you should think of helping those in need. Volunteering and contributing will be vastly beneficial and make you realise two things: Helping those in need is a great find inner happiness Firstly, there are so many people out there who are struggling far more than you, but they keep fighting. This will make it even easier to notice how fortunate you are. Secondly, it will give you a sense of power to do some good in the world. This feeling will expand into many areas of your life, including your control over your perceptions and emotions. 3. Challenging and addressing the utility of your negative thoughts and beliefs We are all heavily burdened by our automatic negative thoughts. We rarely even notice them, but they dictate how we feel about life. So, do the work. Observe your immediate reactions to stressors. Then, challenge them. If your automatic reaction to failure is a thought: “I’ll never be successful at this”, ask yourself what you gain from thinking that way? How do you feel? And how do you want to feel? Are there no alternative explanations for the situation? Yes, there are. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness So, start noticing the potential utility of your pessimism and harsh self-criticism (is it a part of you protecting you from disappointment, for example?). Then make a conscious decision to select another way of looking at things. With repetition, your new set of beliefs and mental habits will set in and help you be happier. Takeaway: Happiness starts from within Life is filled with both ups and downs. We will be endowed with fortune and ill luck. We all know this. However, if we are constantly for a godsend to feel good, we might be in for an uphill battle. Instead, we have a choice. The choice to think of happiness as an inside job — and do the work. Not just the work of tending to your needs, taking care of yourself physically and psychologically, and building healthy relationships. You need to commit to being proactive about your emotions. The key to finding your bliss lies within you. Take control. Be happy. • Main image: shutterstock/Daisy Daisy happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Acceptance | Resilience | Courage | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Originating at Burning Man, the Life Cube travels the globe, encouraging goal setting, creativity and helping to bring communities together. Arlo Laibowitz captures the magic of this powerful art project in a brand new film. Why would a participatory art project that was first made at Burning Man be interesting and transformative to a city's community? What role does goal setting, experiencing flow, and being playful have in that? And how does a project like this help nurture and increase the participants’ happiness, by connecting and creating community? I tried to answer all of these questions, and more, in the documentary film Rainbow of Chaos, that I made about The Life Cube in Las Vegas. From Burning Man to Las Vegas I met Scott Cohen at Burning Man some years ago. Burning Man is an annual arts and music festival, that takes place in the Black Rock desert of Nevada, United States. It's a temporary city of 70,000 people which exists for just one week a year. Burning Man is an experiment in community and art, guided by principles that include self-reliance and self-expression, gifting, leaving no trace, and decommodification. No money is exchanged at the event, and participants bring everything that they need to survive in the desert and want to gift to others. The event is considered simultaneously as one of the world’s biggest parties, and one of the world’s largest interactive, participatory art gatherings. The ‘playa’ is filled with interactive sculptures and structures, some of which are burned during the week of the event. Cohen's positive experience with creating life goal lists had made him convinced that he needed to gift his art project, The Life Cube, to the Burning Man community. A 'mailbox' that invited participants to write down their goals, dreams, wishes, and aspirations, and place it in within the art installation. During the burning of it, these messages would be sent up to the universe, to manifest them. RELATED: 8 manifestation techniques In later versions, Cohen had expanded this idea, by adding the opportunity for participants to paint, draw and write on the installation. Furthermore, he invited hosts and musicians to use the space as a place to come and do yoga sessions, workshops and performances. The Life Cube has become a community project, carried by so-called ‘Cube-ists’. People that have seen the power of the installation changing their life, and the life of others. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The Life Cube is the subject of Rainbow of Chaos After three Life Cubes at Burning Man, Cohen now had a new goal: taking his experience from Burning Man to cities around the world. The first non-Burning Man version of the Life Cube happened in Las Vegas in 2014, an event that lasted weeks , culminating in a city burn of the installation. I wasn't there then but came to document the second version, in 2016, that lasted for a month. What I encountered was an installation that aimed, and succeeded, in providing a few distinct things: the power of goal-setting, the joy of creativity, flow and playfulness, connecting and creating a community. What do these things have in common? They are all considered instrumental in creating and maintaining individual happiness levels. Let's take a look at how exactly the Life Cube promotes these three different spheres. 1) The Life Cube: goal setting The genesis of the Life Cube art installation is Cohen's conviction that writing down your goals, dreams, wishes and aspirations increases the chance of them happening. Cohen has experienced this first-hand throughout his life and has seen this power working for others as well. Indeed, goal setting has been identified in studies as a major component in our sense of happiness. Cohen is described by others as a force of nature, someone who moves mountains. That attitude is infectious. He invites people to write down their goals, dreams, wishes and aspirations on so-called ‘wish sticks': postcards that can be dropped into slots in the installation. “The Life Cube has become a community project, carried by so-called ‘Cube-ists’. People that have seen the power of the installation changing their life, and the life of others.” Cohen's philosophy behind this is simple but effective. By writing down your goals and dreams, you start a process of envisioning them, considering how to pursue them, breaking them down into the steps that are necessary, and then actively pursuing them. Indeed, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, setting goals is an effective strategy of raising our happiness, and works best with goals that are intrinsic, authentic, harmonious, flexible and active. In an interview segment that only partially made the final cut of my documentary, I extensively asked Cohen about how this goal setting could be misunderstood for the Law of Attraction and other pseudoscientific ideas. He emphasized that setting goals and writing them down starts a process that one works through, much along the lines of scientifically-backed goal setting: setting goals and intentions in writing them down helps envision their outcome and process, creates ownership and identifies blockers and creates accountability for these goals. Life Cube creator Scott Cohen with participating kids When hearing stories at the Life Cube about how the installation had changed the lives of people involved, from small things like someone finally deciding to propose and marry their partner or having a short-term goal to be more friendly and compassionate to others, to bigger things like artists being able to further pursue their career professionally, or people making radical life changes for the positive, it was clear that the Life Cube succeeded in installing more happiness in people through goal setting activities. 2) Becoming child: creativity, flow and playfulness Alongside goal setting, another big part of the happiness-inducing qualities of the Life Cube lie in what I've dubbed in the documentary “becoming child”. The Life Cube invites participants to be creative themselves, by painting on the installation, participating in interactive workshops, and by either enjoying music performances or participating in them yourself. The effect of creativity on our happiness and well-being is a subject that has been extensively studied. Creativity helps us be happier because it enables us to express and process emotions; it activates the reward regions of our brain, and it helps us focus and enjoy the moment, also known as creating flow. Apart from this, something I heard a lot at the Life Cube is that creativity helps us reconnect with our inner child and be more playful. In fact, playfulness as a way to nurture our happiness is an idea that has been proposed by Bernard de Koven, and is backed by research that shows a clear correlation between playfulness and our sense of happiness. The Cube creates an environment for people to be creative, to experience flow, and do all of that in a playful way, that instils happiness. RELATED: What playfulness can do for your relationship 3) A happy Rainbow of Chaos: community Possibly the biggest mission of the Life Cube is to connect the community through art. The effect of community on our level of happiness has been documented in different studies, showing that there are long-term positive effects of community, in strengthening our relationships, that lead to longer and happier lives. Cohen has expanded and grown the community of Cube-ists, which take ownership of different parts of the project and make his vision of a “rainbow of chaos” come true. This community is made up of different layers or smaller communities. First of all, there is the inner core of Cube-ists, which together with Cohen build and create the installation. Secondly, there are local event organisers, artists, musicians, yoga teachers and workshop hosts, that join in having a level of ownership of the space, and create part of the ‘permanent' artwork on the Cube, and its peripheral events. “By writing down your goals and dreams, you start a process of envisioning them, how to pursue them, breaking them down into the steps that are necessary, and you start actively pursuing them.” Thirdly, there's the local community of Burners [active participants that regularly go to Burning Man and satellite events], that was involved in the overall event, and especially the burn of the installation. Fourthly, there are the local residents and incidental passers-by, that became enthusiastic after visiting the installation once, and got actively involved in maintaining it, keeping it safe, and helping out with chores. Fiinally, there is the community of schools, which Cohen involved by going to talk to thousands of children and gifting these schools ‘satellite cubes’ that children could paint and put their wish sticks in. Up in flames: the burning of wishes helps manifests them Studies show that community strengthens relationships and has a positive emotional result, especially in shared novel experiences and sharing positive events. The Life Cube exemplifies this, in its creation of community around this ‘novel’ experience and positive event. For example, most American inner cities are not the most friendly or positive environments. There are, also in Las Vegas, problems with crime, drug use, homelessness and the overall rundown state that these downtown areas are in. The site of the Life Cube was like an oasis of community amid all these problems. A homeless man would volunteer in keeping the installation clean, while a local artist was painting a mural, and the inner core of Cube-ists would do maintenance and prepare structural elements and lighting. “Studies show that community strengthens relationships and has a positive emotional result, especially in shared novel experiences and sharing positive events.” Meanwhile, a group of school children would visit the Life Cube for a quick session of painting and an inspirational talk by Cohen. Afterwards, some local volunteers would start prepping a musical performance, while another local volunteer was hosting a yoga session. Simultaneously, “Burners” would gather for a fire safety meeting in preparation of the burn. Throughout the day local residents would visit, experience the installation, paint, and write their wish sticks. People from these different communities would interact, where normally they would not: just this interacting in itself created an overall connectedness and happiness at the Life Cube. The Life Cube is a creative hub for community The Life Cube: changing the world? In the documentary, Cohen is not modest about his goals: he clearly wants to change the world, by bringing Life Cubes to different cities and countries, spreading the effects of goal setting, creativity and community. It’s an ambitious goal and statement, but when looking at the magic that was created in Las Vegas, I also believe it's totally achievable. As Flash Hopkins, one of the founders of Burning Man and ally of Cohen in the project says in the documentary: “If he can change one person, then he has already done it.” I would argue that Cohen has indeed changed many lives, both at Burning Man and in Las Vegas. I invite you to watch the full documentary, Rainbow of Chaos, and find out for yourself. Art and community can make us happier. ● All images: © Arlo Laibowitz happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Community living | Work life balance | Altruism Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

An often invisible illness, diagnosing quiet borderline personality disorder isn't easy. Luckily, the treatment for this condition can be, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains... I have known a few people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my life. I can say with certainty that they suffered — as did those close to them. However, thanks to the explosive nature of the disorder, however unpleasant it may be, BPD did not stay hidden. Some of them were diagnosed and received treatment. More importantly, they learned to understand the nature of their unpredictable emotions and reactions. I probably also know a few people with quiet borderline personality disorder (QBPD). Unfortunately, I cannot say that I know who they are. Are they aware that what they are going through is a disorder? Quite possibly not. Do their loved ones understand what is happening? They might not have a clue. That's because quiet borderline personality disorder is a difficult but often invisible ordeal. As this article will make clear, it bears the burden of the BPD. Still, it stays concealed — often even from the affected person themselves. Yet, the moment you understand QBPD and its manifestations, the path towards treatment opens. So, what is quiet borderline personality disorder? What is quiet borderline personality disorder and how is it diagnosed? Before we can hope to understand quiet borderline personality disorder, we need to grasp the concept of a personality disorder as such. Unlike some other mental disorders that come and go, personality disorders are usually enduring. One of the criteria for diagnosis states: “The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.” Personality disorders are pervasive, unchanging, and present at least from adolescence. They form an inner experience and behaviour pattern deviant from a person’s cultural norms. “A person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims hostility and anger at themselves. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others.” In other words, it seems to be the structure of the individual’s personality that is affected. A personality disorder is apparent throughout life and across different contexts. A person who is, for example, narcissistic will act that way at work, in love, with family and strangers. Those who know them will tell you that it is how they have been forever. What is borderline personality disorder? QBPD is a variation of BPD. Therefore, we need to be clear on what the disorder entails. Borderline personality disorder is a syndrome of disordered functioning in relationship to oneself and others. To meet the diagnostic criteria, the affected person has to manifest the following symptoms: Impairments in self-functioning. They can be unsure of who they are as a person. They might feel empty inside and succumb to excessive self-criticism. Sometimes, goals, aspirations and career plans are unstable. A person with BPD keeps changing their direction in life. Impairments in interpersonal functioning. They lack empathy or have severe problems in establishing meaningful close relationships. Being emotionally unstable, anxious, depressive, or fearing rejection and separation. Disinhibition, meaning that they are highly impulsive and often take excessive risks. Hostility, anger, and irritability. Subtypes of BPD The current classification of mental disorders does not divide the BPD into subtypes. Nonetheless, the official criteria could be combined differently. As a result, individuals with BPD are often very unalike. This is probably one of the reasons why borderline personality disorder has long been notoriously under-detected and misdiagnosed in clinical practice. Aiming hostility at oneself is a sign of QBPD shutterstock/airdone It is also why many popular psychology authors voiced their opinion about the subtypes of BPD. Some scholars and practitioners also argue that borderline personality disorder should be divided into three subtypes based on the dominant cognitive mechanisms in their foundations. A 2017 study determined three clusters of BPD patients with distinct profiles: Most patients were those with the “core BPD” features, that is, typical borderline personalities. A second “Extravert/externalising” subtype was characterised by high levels of histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial features. A third, smaller subtype had schizotypal and paranoid features — therefore, it is named “Schizotypal/paranoid”. Million and Davis have proposed, based on extensive professional expertise in the realm of personality disorders, that there are four subtypes of BPD: Discouraged or “quiet” borderline Impulsive borderline Petulant borderline Self-destructive borderline So, what are the symptoms of the quiet BPD subtype? Symptoms of QBPD Most professionals and laypeople would think of someone with BPD as an explosive, violent and hostile person. An unpredictable and impulsive human ticking bomb. However, it appears that there are those affected by the disorder whose suffering remains largely invisible. In quiet borderline personality disorder, all the symptoms of the BPD are directed inwards. According to Million and Davis, a person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims the borderline hostility and anger at oneself. They might act clingy and form codependent relationships. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others. However, they do not let it show. Their anger is more likely to be manifested as self-harm and suicide attempts than aggression towards others. Could you be living with QPBD? Here are some of the signs that suggest you could be living with quiet borderline personality disorder: You are very good at hiding your true emotions. You present a composed façade at all times. You might not even be able to recognise or describe your feelings correctly (alexithymia), so they fester inside. You are high-functioning and successful; a perfectionistic even. When emotional pain becomes too much to bear, you detach from the world and your inner experiences. You may feel like you were in a dream or a movie, unable to feel connected. You may be a people-pleaser. You need to be liked, and you yearn for appreciation from those you fall for. You experience bouts of anxiety at the slightest sign of disapproval. Your buttons are easily pushed around other people. You know that you are prone to feeling hurt, insulted or humiliated. To prevent it, you might prefer distancing yourself from others. You might be putting people into one of the two categories — they are either impeccable or atrocious. It is a mechanism called “splitting” or polarised thinking. You might be so profoundly afraid of being abandoned that you avoid getting close to others altogether. It protects you from hurt. You tend to feel irrational guilt and self-loathing. For this reason, you could be at risk of engaging in self-harming behaviour, including having suicidal thoughts. (If this is the case, please reach out to any local service or organisation that deals with mental health to help you get your way out of that dark path). Your priorities and interests change erratically. Your commitment changes on a day-to-day basis. Be it a project, a hobby, or a person, QBPD comes with a lack of consistency in dedication. You seem utterly devoted to something, only for it to fall into oblivion in the next moment. You crave control and order. Situations in which you do not know what to say or do make you feel uneasy. In effect, you are not living spontaneously. Where does the difference between the typical BPD and the quiet variant come from? One possible explanation is Lynch and colleagues’ work on undercontrol versus overcontrol in clinical settings. In short, the majority of those affected by BPD (the typical syndrome) are undercontrolled. They are impulsive, erratic and dysregulated. Nonetheless, some people are overcontrolled; meaning that they are reserved, hard to engage, seemingly emotionally flat. Yet, their inner world is as tempestuous as that of the undercontrolled individuals. Treatment for QBPD At this point, we return to the statement made in the introduction. Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help. They overcontrol. Why can't I make friends? How to help someone having a panic attack What is an introvert hangover? Nonetheless, even if it feels unnatural, if you recognise the symptoms mentioned above, it is vital for you to reach out. And if someone you know seems to be affected by QBPD, try pointing them out towards learning about the disorder and getting professional help to deal with it. “Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help.” Unfortunately, not enough is understood about QBPD to determine which psychotherapy modality would work best. The following approaches were scientifically explored and are used in clinical practice for the treatment of BPD. In addition to psychotherapy, medication is sometimes prescribed. 1. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) The basic principle of CBT is to work on modifying the thinking and behavioural patterns that are unhelpful and perpetuate the disorder. According to a systematic review of 45 studies, CBT is beneficial in treating personality disorders in general — and BPD in particular. The findings of another study confirmed that CBT could help decrease the symptoms, distress, anxiety, suicide ideation and dysfunctional beliefs typical of BPD. Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated 2. Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) DBT is one of the CBT modalities. It was developed specifically to treat BPD. In 2016 it was still the only empirically supported treatment for BPD. It targets the unstable sense of self, chaotic relationships, fear of abandonment, emotional lability and impulsivity (such as self-injurious behaviours). During the therapeutic process, the clients develop skills such as mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. 3. Radically Open Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (RO-DBT) The previous two modalities are implemented in treating BPD in general. The quiet variant could also benefit from them, given that the core issues are shared across the syndrome. However, RO-DBT was developed specifically for disorders of overcontrol. The authors designed it to address difficult-to-treat mental health conditions. And yes, QBPD is difficult to treat. The approach focuses on developing mental flexibility, openness, healthy emotional expression and social connectedness. Take control over your QBPD Living with a quiet borderline personality disorder is not an easy thing to do. BPD is known to cause severe problems in the person’s relationship with themselves and the world. When you keep all those BPD emotions and thoughts within, pushing through the day can sometimes feel like Sisyphus work. I will not pretend quiet borderline personality disorder will go away in the blink of an eye for the sake of pep talk. However, you can learn to develop a psychologically healthier way of being. Adequate support and treatment can teach you how to rebuild your view of the world. With a change in your mindset, you can nurture close relationships with others based on empathy and respect. Although every personality disorder is a persistent companion, it does not have to determine your future. All you need to do is take one simple step now. Open yourself up to a fuller and richer life. Reach out. • Main image: shutterstock/Olga W Boeva happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Failure to self-validate can lead to problems such as impulsive behaviour and the inability to manage emotional responses. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores why many of us fail at self-validation and offers five ways to develop the skills to do it successfully. Most of us are great at validating others. We acknowledge their emotions, recognize effort and success, and support individualism and self-expression. However, the majority of us are equally lousy at self-validation. We all get angry, disappointed, sad, jealous, scared, demotivated. Ideally, one would accept and be able to regulate these emotions. Instead, many people immediately think: “I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m being ridiculous!” As a result, coping with different experiences becomes exceptionally challenging. Reactions seem to be out of control. If you struggle with similar issues, you probably haven’t mastered the art of self-validation. The ability (or inability) to validate ourselves intertwines with much of what we go through in life. In this article, we'll give you five ways to develop self-validation so you can get to grips with this essential skill. Why self-validation is essential In simple terms, self-validation is accepting your own internal experience: your thoughts and feelings. Validation and self-validation are widely acknowledged problems in psychology, philosophy and sociology. The roots of the problem of self-validation lie in the vital human need to be recognized and supported. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • According to Iser’s work in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, recognition has critical psychological importance. Others’ feedback is essential for one’s practical identity to form. We could also touch upon Hegel’s concept of ‘struggle for recognition’. In its simplest, it points us towards understanding the source of our need to be validated. When we are misrecognized by others, our relationship with ourselves is hindered or even destroyed. Self-validation is accepting your thoughts and feelings shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Such strength of humans’ need to be validated by others led many thinkers to voice the significance of self-validation. Rare is a psychologist or a philosopher that would dispute the ultimate value of autonomy and authenticity. The independence that comes with the capacity to be one’s own judge could be expressed with a quote by Fromm: “Obedience to my own reason or conviction (autonomous obedience) is not an act of submission but one of affirmation. My conviction and my judgment, if authentically mine, are part of me. If I follow them rather than the judgment of others, I am being myself.” - Erich Fromm, On Disobedience Real-life outcomes of lacking self-validation skills In slightly more practical terms, the inability to self-validate could lead to a range of adverse outcomes: Negating your thoughts and emotions could lead to a paradoxical effect in which you are even more affected by them, as research has demonstrated. When you deny and suppress your inner experiences, you lose control over them. You could think of it as an instruction to not think about a pink elephant. Your cognition still rests on the negated content. You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life because a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation. You could be more prone to risky behaviours, addictions, eating disorders, to name a few. Your interpersonal skills could also suffer, leading to a range of other problems in your career or relationships. Your love life and friendships could be chaotic, codependent and intensely challenging for everyone involved. “You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life as a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation.” Finally, you might be vulnerable to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, PTSD and other emotional disturbances. When you cannot validate yourself, you are driven to maladaptive coping. This, however, eventually leads you far away from well-being and mental health. Why do we have a hard time to self-validate? There is no definitive response to the question above. A few things could have happened. Attachment style If the inborn need to be safe, cared for, and recognized was unfulfilled, we might have become unable to self-validate. For example, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. How your parents interacted with you as a child serves as a blueprint for your adult relationships. You might not have learned to be self-sufficient and recognize your worth. As children, we need adequate support from our caregivers to develop a sense of security about our emotions, decisions and actions. Research reveals that people with an anxious attachment style have a strong need for social approval. In other words, they need others to validate them. Modelling Another option was that your caregivers did not make it possible for you to mimic self-validation. When we are children, we acquire many traits and habits by modelling. If your primary attachment figure invalidated themselves, you probably learned to do the same. Research shows that emotional and behavioural self-validation and self-regulation are skills that are transferred from a parent to a child. Adult trauma You might have also started doubting yourself due to a traumatic experience at any point in your life. Both anecdotal reports and scientific studies confirm that being a victim of abuse, for example, could make you doubt your self-efficacy and self-worth. Most importantly, your readiness to accept, experience and address your emotions could have been disturbed. When one is in an abusive relationship, they gradually lose their sovereignty. Self-validation becomes a distant memory. Five ways to develop self-validation Although the potential outcomes of a lack of self-validation sound rather bleak, you should not feel discouraged: it is a skill that can be developed. Even if your early experience geared you towards invalidating yourself, you now have the opportunity to change that. Here are five tips to develop self-validation. 1. Practise mindfulness Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen, to validate them. Being present is the first level of validation. This means acknowledging your inner experience without avoidance or distraction. Mindfulness will help you regain grasp over your emotions and build up strength to cope with them. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • Evidence from fMRI studies supports this argument. Individuals who were grieving a loss of a loved one were taught mindfulness techniques for eight weeks. When they were tested afterwards, their scores revealed a significantly better ability to regulate emotions. They also had fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and grief. fMRI suggested that the participants learned to gain cognitive control over their feelings. They were no longer overwhelmed by them. 2. Be brutally honest with yourself Being imperfect stings, we know. Accepting imperfection is exceptionally difficult for most people. Especially so if they were taught that being great at something equals being worthy. If your parents and social environment were too demanding, it might have resulted in unhealthy perfectionism. Such a form of perfectionism has adverse effects on mental health, as confirmed in empirical research. If your sense of self-worth is equated to being flawless, you might have a tough time even noticing (let alone accepting) your blemishes. Nonetheless, when you want to learn the art of self-validation, you need to be brutally frank with yourself. Notice the emotions and thoughts you don’t feel proud of. Admit to yourself your shortcomings. Own up to your genuine reactions and experiences. Yes, there will be many unpleasant facts. It’s alright – no one is watching. It's possible to develop self-validation skills shutterstock/Prostock-studio 3. Develop your emotional intelligence Although there are a few relevant emotional intelligence (EI) models, Goleman’s work is among the most popular ones. He proposes that EI consists of five constructs: self-awareness, self-regulation, social skill (being able to get along with others), empathy and motivation. You can notice how EI is necessary for your ability to self-validate. With EI comes the ability to reflect on your experiences and emotions. Luckily, EI is a skill that can be learned. Therefore, to master self-validation, start developing your EI. When you can accurately name what you are feeling, you can then start to acknowledge and accept your emotional response. As a result, you will build healthy relationships with others without needing their recognition to feel good or motivated. You will build emotional autonomy. 4. Connect with your body’s responses Some people have grown so detached from their inner world that they need to tap into their bodily reactions first. In this regard, some elements of body-centred psychotherapies could be used. According to this group of approaches to psychotherapy, the body is not just something we have. We are our bodies. “Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen.” This means we live as a whole, as an inseparable totality of body and mind. When we learn to validate who we are and what we experience, we should include our body’s responses into the equation. Where are your emotions? What does your body do when you feel in a certain way? How does it respond to people and events? What is it trying to tell you about yourself? You could try a body awareness meditation to help you get started. A combination of body awareness with mindfulness and accurate, honest reflection we suggested above will help you develop a sense of being rooted inside of your own experience. 5. Self-validate by acknowledging your past experiences The final piece of advice in developing self-validation skills is to learn to validate yourself by acknowledging your past experiences. They fused within yourself and made you into who you are now. You now need to practice recognizing both positive and adverse experiences – and their consequences. How will this help you practise self-validation? Let us say that you had an intense reaction to your partner’s criticism of something you did. Try not to think: “You acted like a cuckoo there!” You could self-validate this reaction by saying: “It’s understandable that you felt this way. Your mother/father would punish you harshly for failures, and you are still overly sensitive to criticism”. Use meditation to connect with body's responses shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk Such a validation does not mean that you condone erratic behaviour. It means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You also name the emotion and understand its cause. These are the first steps to get into a self-validating mindset. Additionally, these are the first steps towards growing as a person. These five steps build up towards self-validation development as taught in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). According to DBT, there are three steps to validate yourself and your emotions – acknowledge, accept and understand. This worksheet could help you practice self-validation in everyday situations, as well as with more intense or past emotions. Self-validate to autonomy Self-validation is freedom. Freedom to experience life as it is (yes, the ugliness, too). It gives you self-determination in picking your path. You get to do it independently of others’ influence, be it conscious or subconscious. When you learn to rely on yourself for validation, you gain the liberty to be genuine and own your experiences. Therefore, in the spirit of autonomy that we are propagating here, we invite you – acknowledge yourself and allow your authentic Self to exist! • Main image: shutterstock/Victoria Chadinova happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

What exactly are the Four Agreements? Arlo Laibowitz explores these ancient suggestions for ways of living your life in happiness... Do self-help books help? This simple and provocative question is the title of an article by Ad Bergsma in the Journal of Happiness Studies. In this article, Bergsma studies the different types of psychological self-help books – such as The Four Agreements – and their possible positive effects. When discussing the arguments of opponents of these books, he coins existing terms to describe them: ‘psychobabble’, ‘false hope syndrome’, and the problem of ‘one-size fits all’. Still, there are positive effects to be noted. One of them, according to researcher Steven Starker is this: 'Of what value is an inspirational message to those in need of health, beauty, happiness, success and creativity? In general, it lifts the spirit, engenders and supports hope, and keeps people striving towards their goals; it also fends off feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair and depression. This constitutes its greatest service.' The Four Agreements is a self-help book by Mexican author Don Miguel Ruiz. It is, according to its author, a book based on ancient wisdom by the pre-Columbian Toltecs. The historicity of the Toltecs is a matter of scholarly debate, but, according to Ruiz, they were a group of scientists and artists who came together to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge of the “ancient ones”. When looking closer at the book's content, there are parallels with modern psychology and cognitive therapy, with spiritual and mindfulness teachings, and with general happiness practices that are being researched and supported by modern psychology. What are the Four Agreements? Esoteric psychobabble, valuable ancient wisdom, or borrowed ideas? Whatever the Four Agreements are, they have given me and many others hope and have fended off the despair that Starker speaks of. So, what are the Four Agreements exactly? And how can they help us to attain more happiness? Four Agreements: summary Put in their most basic form, the Four Agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 2. Don’t take anything personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. This also includes the voices inside your mind. 3. Don’t make assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. 4. Always do your best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to unwell. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret. Sounds simple, right? No hocus-pocus or fancy spiritualism. However, when looking at the meat of The Four Agreements book, things get a bit more complicated, but also more interesting. Toltec wisdom and The Dream of the World The structure of The Four Agreements is like an oreo: the agreements are sandwiched in between spiritual guidance and thoughts. At the beginning of the book, Ruiz starts off with some Toltec mythology, and introducing the concept of “the dream of the world”: that is an important prerequisite to understanding the meaning of the agreements themselves. The Toltec had their own mythology, that stated that a couple of thousands of years ago, a man studied to be a medicine man, and discovered that everything is made of light and that all existence is one living being. “Whatever the Four Agreements are, they have given me and many others hope and fended off despair.” One passage from the book reads as follows: "This is what he discovered: everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. And he concluded that human perception is merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror — everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light — and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn't allow us to see what we really are. […] Once he knew what he really was, he looked around at other humans and the rest of nature, and was amazed at what he saw. He saw himself in everything — in every human, in every animal, in every tree, in the water, in the rain, in the clouds, in the earth.” When reading this passage for the first time, it might strike you as very similar to the Buddhist notion of the illusion of the separate self, known as Anatta. The teaching of the Self and Not-Self is instrumental in the path to happiness, as they are associated with processes of acceptance and letting go. This is also very familiar to the philosophy of Alan Watts, especially The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. In it, Watts argues very similar concepts of the illusion of the Ego, and the arguable truth that the Universe “peoples”: that we are extensions of the universe, reflecting on itself. Our path to happiness lies in embracing that reality, instead of clinging on to notions of the Ego and the Self that separate us from others and the world at large. A happier outlook on the world is recognising the connectedness we have to the world. The Dream of the World Next, Ruiz discusses what he calls the Dream of the World. Recognising that what we perceive as reality is but a dream, how is this dream made? Don Miguel Ruiz argues that truth is replaced in our world by symbols, words, which are only illusions. As children, we believe what adults tell us about the world, and we start to dream with others in the world. Our dream tells us how to act in the world, what to believe and what not, what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. We accept all of these notions because we make agreements with ourselves and the world. We create an inner Judge, and this Judge constantly judges and punishes us when we don’t live up to our self-created agreements. In this process, we create the Victim, who carries guilt, and gets punished over and over again. This notion of the Judge and the Victim strongly resembles the ideas that Kristin Neff introduces in her method of Mindful Self Compassion, and especially in her article 'The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself'. She analyses the way we develop notions of self-judgement, and thereby neglect self-compassion. In our development, we create notions of self-esteem that are detrimental to us, for we cannot live up to our own standards. The answer to this self-judgement is self-compassion, a method to be more kind, more compassionate, towards ourselves. RELATED: How to practise self-compassion – 6 proven techniques Neff writes: "We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. “We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally, they fall short of our expectations. We dishonour ourselves just to please other people. We even harm our physical bodies just to be accepted by others. […] Therefore we live in a dream of hell, and we search for a way to transform this into a dream of heaven. To escape our dream of hell, we have to break old agreements, that are fear based, and reclaim our freedom and power. The four agreements help us breaking down all our old agreements.” So, this is how all of this relates to the Four Agreements that Ruiz proposes afterwards. Because we create a divide between ourselves and the world, the Universe, and because we create the Judge/Victim dichotomy within ourself, we live in tension, we feel inauthentic and dishonest. We make toxic agreements with ourselves about ourselves, and about our relationships with others. The Four Agreements help us to replace these toxic agreements with newer, happier agreements. The Four Agreements: the long version 1. Be impeccable with your word "Be impeccable with your word. This is the first agreement that you should make if you want to be free if you want to be happy […] Use the word in the correct way. Use the word to share your love. Use white magic, beginning with yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are, how great you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Use the word to break all those teeny, tiny agreements that make you suffer.” The first agreement sounds simple. But, it encompasses a couple of different notions. Literally, impeccable means “without sin”. Don Miguel Ruiz invites us to be without sin in our words, as the first way to replace our old agreements with new ones. Both the words we utter to ourselves, and that words that we utter to others. If we love ourselves, we use kind words to ourselves, instead of committing the ’sin’ of going against yourself. We take responsibility for our actions, but we don’t judge or blame ourselves. If we love others, we don’t gossip or talk badly to or about them, but we share our common humanity. The Four Agreements does not allow for gossiping shutterstock/rawpixel.com This first agreement has strong connection to both ‘mindset’, as proposed by psychologist Carol Dweck, and with the fundamentals of Neuro-Linguistic Programming [NLP], as can be found in Brian Colbert's writings. The idea of mindset, and especially of ‘growth mindset’, states that we can develop and alter our abilities through dedication and work. NLP engages its practitioners in the power of language and how we use it internally, to impact how we view and experience ourselves and the world. Call it impeccability with our word, ‘growth mindset’, or NLP. In any case, we can live happier lives if we use our words (for example with these NLP happiness techniques), both internally and to others, for good. 2. Don’t take anything personally "During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me! Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of them.” Ruiz argues that everything that others say or do is because of their dream, not because of us. This goes for both criticism, but also for positive comments that others make about us. We don’t have to take any of that personally. When we stop taking things personally, we don’t get hurt anymore by others and can keep being impeccable with our word in our communication with them. Furthermore, he argues that we don’t even have to take ourselves, or the things we say to ourselves, personally. "If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions. If you don’t feel any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You love everything that is around you because you love yourself. Because you like the way you are because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life […] happy with your agreements with life.” The notion of not taking anything personally, and finding communication that is non-confrontational to leave space for the other to live their ‘dream', resonates strongly with the idea of Non-Violent Communication [NVC]. Originally developed by Marshall Rosenberg, NVC focuses on three aspects of communication: self-empathy (deep and compassionate awareness of one's own experience) empathy (understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person) honest self-expression (expressing oneself authentically in a way that is likely to inspire compassion in others) NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved. 3. Don’t make assumptions "We tend to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.” Don Miguel Ruiz argues that most of our suffering stems from our tendency to make assumptions. We find this notion as well in Cognitive Therapy, and especially in the research of Aaron Beck. Beck states that we have cognitive distortions, or thinking patterns, that interfere with how we perceive an event. These distortions can feed negative emotions and communication. Don't assume anything shutterstock/Gustavo Frazao One of these distortions is jumping to conclusions, or ‘mind reading', in which we infer other people’s thoughts. The solution to having these distortions, or making assumptions, is to ask questions, and making sure that communication is clear. Even then, don’t assume that you know everything about the situation. "We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner conflicts. “I think I can do this.” You make this assumption, for instance, then you discover you aren't able to do it. You overestimate or underestimate yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions and to answer them. Perhaps you need to gather more facts about a particular situation. Or maybe you need to stop lying to yourself about what you truly want.” As with not taking anything personally, Ruiz also invites us to examine the assumptions we make about ourselves. Only when we are mindful of the things we tell ourselves that are within or not within our capabilities, and when we stop making assumptions about what others mean, can we become happier. 4. Always do your best “There is just one more agreement, but it’s the one that allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits. The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: Always do your best. Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. […] But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.” The fourth agreement seems very simple to make with ourselves, if we allow ourselves to stop judging, and don’t make assumptions about our capabilities. However, there is another element to this agreement, which according to Ruiz increases our happiness dramatically: "Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive; you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy. When you always do your best, you take action. Doing your best is taking action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.” This action-based happiness, this appreciation for process over outcome, and the appreciation for doing our best, we find in the writings of psychologist and researcher Martin Seligman as well. In his book Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Seligman denies simplistic notions of happiness and suggests how people can flourish. Seligman names the key elements to flourish as ‘PERMA' P – positive emotion E – your engagement R – relationships M – meaning A – sense of accomplishment To flourish, you need to change how you behave in order to improve those key elements. You cannot flourish just by trying to think differently because positive thinking has to be accompanied by coherent behaviours, actions. Taking this one step further, there are also parallels with the Ten Keys to Happier Living that Action for Happiness synthesised from happiness research. Their GREAT DREAM constitutes of: Giving – do things for others Relating – connect with people Exercising – taking care of your body Appreciating – awareness of what you do and the world around you Trying Out – doing new things Direction – doing things towards a goal Resilience – bouncing back after something negative Emotion – being positive about what you do Acceptance - that we all have faults and that things go wrong Meaning – being part of something bigger So, when we do our best, both in keeping the four agreements and in the actions we take in the world, we can truly be happy. Living with the Four Agreements The Four Agreements seem simple but have a world of inner transformation, spiritual growth, and action-based happiness at their core. When we try to live with the Agreements and learn from the world of thoughts and philosophies connected with them, step-by-step we can create more loving, more compassionate, more connected lives. Ruiz’ message ultimately strongly resonates with the teachings by the Dalai Lama. As Ruiz states at the end of his book: “The world is very beautiful and very wonderful. Life can be easy when love is your way of life. You can be loving all the time. This is your choice. You may not have a reason to love, but you can love because to love makes you so happy. Love in action only produces happiness. Love will give you inner peace. It will change your perception of everything. […] Maybe we cannot escape from the destiny of the human, but we have a choice: to suffer our destiny or to enjoy our destiny. To suffer, or to love and be happy. To live in hell, or to live in heaven. My choice is to live in heaven. What is yours?” ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Resilience is the art of turning setbacks into opportunity. However, sometimes it can be hard to deal with life changes and difficulties. These seven quotes on resilience from Calvin Holbrook may inspire you to find your perseverance and keep moving forward. Resilience is an essential skill of strength that we need to develop in order to live and thrive successfully. It's necessary to find this skill of perseverance because throughout our lives we will face continual setbacks, problems and challenges. Resilience refers to our capacity to recover from these difficulties, find our inner strength and bounce back. Sometimes just reading a quote about resilience may help us to access that willpower to keep going. Indeed, instead of simply surviving or burying our heads in the sand – which can lead to depression and anxiety – resilience determines whether we become defeated by life obstacles or fight through them and grow stronger, hopefully learning life lessons along the way. RELATED: Building resilience – 5 strategies for thriving Building resilience techniques helps us to cope with the inevitable challenges that life will constantly hurl our way. The great thing is, every single one of us possesses the ability to access the mental strength that exists within us – even though it may not feel like it in the moment. So, if you’re experiencing a hard time and need some inspiration to stay tough and keep going, these seven powerful resilience quotes may inspire you to find that inner strength. Resilience quotes: 7 powerful sayings 1. “A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain de Botton In this quote, the British-Swiss philosopher and author Alain de Botton recognises that staying resilient is an essential life skill, one that we all will need to use on a regular basis. Why? Well, because staying resilient helps us to recover from setbacks and/or failure, and it also helps us to deal with change. These are both things we will have to deal with continuously at all stages of our life, so it makes sense that resilience makes up such a vital part of the art of living successfully. In fact, resilient people will not let adversity define them. They find and develop their resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, overcoming grief and pain by perceiving difficult times as the temporary state of affairs that they are. 2. “Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.” J.K. Rowling This resilience quote comes from one of the best-selling authors on the planet, Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. Before finding success she was a single mum living on state benefits in Edinburgh, Scotland, after returning home from a failed marriage while living abroad in Portugal. Her first Potter book was rejected by 12 different publishers but that didn’t stop her giving up on her dream. Later, when her mother died, she even developed suicidal thoughts. Nowadays, Rowling sites these difficult times as the foundation for rebuilding her life. She even has one of her rejection letters – which advises her to join a writers group to develop more experience – framed and displayed on her wall as a reminder of her resilience! 3. “If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces.” Shane Koyczan This quote around persevering and staying strong comes from the award-winning spoken word poet and author Shane Koyczan. Our hearts can be broken for many different reasons: grief, failure, the end of a relationship. Koyczan suggests that we take the pain and put it to good use: by being creative with it. Getting over heartache is tough, but chanelling your pain into something creative helps you to get over it and move on, as well as getting into something new, whether that be poetry, singing, making a painting or drawing. Indeed, heartbreak can be a source of motivation and inspiration. Just take a look at the British musician Sam Smith. Back in 2015 he won four Grammy awards for his work, an album he had completed while he was going through relationship struggles. During his acceptance speech for one of the Grammys, Smith stated: “I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year. Thank you so much for breaking my heart, because you got me four Grammys.” Now that's a resilience quote! 4. “Never cease chiseling your own statue.” Plotinus Plotinus was a philosopher who lived in Roman Egypt. The issue of happiness was one of his greatest imprints on Western thought, and Plotinus was one of the first thinkers to introduce the idea that eudaimonia (happiness) is attainable only within consciousness. “Building resilience techniques helps us to cope with the inevitable challenges that life will hurl our way. These seven powerful resilience quotes may inspire you to find your inner-strength.” This resilience quote is about self-improvement and continued self-awareness in a bid to become the person you want to be. We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like. These things can potentially keep us down and hold us back from growth. Plotinus suggests, “Cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is overcast, labor to make all one glow or beauty and never cease chiseling your statue, until there shall shine out on you from it the godlike splendor of virtue.” 5. “Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” Nelson Mandela This resilience quote from the revered former President of South Africa will surely resonate with many of us. It suggests that resilience and strength are powerful human traits, more valuable than success itself. Mandela was knocked down many times in his long and illustrious life, and kept fighting despite all the odds. So, if you’re struggling with failure or being beaten down, let Mandela’s words inspire you to never give up. His resilience quote reminds me of another well-known saying about staying resilient that’s also important to remember: “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.” 6. “Discipline equals freedom.” Jocko Willink Have you struggled to reach your goals or ambitions because of procrastination or failure to focus on the task at hand? Then this resilience quote from Jocko Willink could inspire you to work harder. Willink is a retired American Navy SEAL officer who now works as a podcaster and author. “Instead of burying our heads in the sand – which can lead to depression and anxiety – resilience determines whether we become defeated by life obstacles or fight through them.” While serving in the Navy, Willink rose through the ranks to become a commander. He lives by his “discipline equals freedom” mantra, imposing mental and physical disciplines he imposes on himself in order to achieve freedom in all aspects of life. His quote about being resilient suggests that you have to stay disciplined and focused to achieve what you want. And then, when you finally get there, the achievement will bring you freedom and happiness. 7. “My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.” Mizuta Masahide If you currently need a reminder that every cloud has a silver lining, this is it! This resilience quote comes from Mizuta Masahide, a 17th-century Japanese poet and samurai. The saying suggests that when something bad happens, we should shift our focus away from the negative and try to see the positive in the situation. Indeed, changing perspective and reframing a situation can help us to stay strong and move on from whatever is causing us pain. It helps us to stay resilient and gives us hope for the future. ● Do you have any favourite quotes about resilience that you turn to in times of difficulty? Share them with the community in the comments below! happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our online magazine, makes art, and is a lover of swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.