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Where does happiness come from? James Holloway suggests that ancient philosophers such as Epicurus, Plato and Herodotus may hold some of the answers. We spend a lot of time and effort trying to make ourselves happy, but we hardly ever think about what happiness actually is. Is it a situation? A state of mind? A spiritual experience? Well, if anyone would know, it'd be the wisest philosophers of the ancient world, right? Well, not exactly. We'd all like to think that some ancient sage somewhere in the history of happiness had the secret completely figured out. A thorough reading of philosophical writings, however, can just leave you more confused than when you started. Some philosophers defined happiness as meaning something different than we would with our current set of ideals. While others had some rather unusual ideas about how to achieve it. The history of happiness: Epicurus Let's start with one of the later Greek philosophers, Epicurus. Probably no thinker has had his name more misused than poor old Epicurus. Today, when we call someone an Epicurean or an epicure, we mean that they love to eat, drink and live well. Ironically, that's exactly the sort of claim that Epicurus' followers spent a lot of time defending themselves against. The reason for this misconception stems from Epicurus' understanding of the relationship between happiness and morality. For the Epicureans, the senses were a guide to life: if something felt good, that was a sign you should do it. If it felt bad, it should be avoided. Epicurus: eat, play and be happy! © Eric Gaba/Sting Sounds like a simple code! But not so fast. While this might sound like a simple – and mostly harmless – rule to follow, Epicurus' teachings had a lot of critics. They objected to the principle of hedonism, which they said was a quick pathway to immoral behaviour. Hedonism being defined as the pursuit of pleasure or self-indulgence. It has various interpretations, mainly of the immoral persuasion. “If it feels good, do it?” What if what felt good was just lying around all day getting drunk? These critics caricatured the Epicureans as pleasure-obsessed brutes who ignored the idea of a higher, spiritual happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Epicureans, in turn, vigorously denied that they were any such things. Instead, Epicurus and his followers claimed that feeling good was about more than getting drunk and having sex. They derived that genuine happiness came from the absence of worry and stress. A condition they called ataraxia. And how do you achieve ataraxia? The secret is summed up in the tetrapharmakos, the “four-fold cure.” Don't fear God Don't worry about death What is good is easy to get What is terrible is easy to endure “For the Epicureans, the senses were a guide to life. If something felt good, that was a sign you should do it. If it felt bad, it should be avoided.” So, how do you achieve this? Obviously, by studying physics. Come again? It might seem like a weird answer, but it's the real deal, at least according to Epicurean philosopher Diogenes of Oinoanda. According to Diogenes – and from what we can reconstruct of Epicurus' teachings, which we mostly know from Diogenes. Many people are unhappy because they worry about evil omens and other supernatural phenomena. They worry about things that are in fact not real. Unproven by science and logic. If they all would just sit down and study science they would learn that those things aren't real. They'd soon be on their way to a worry-free and happy existence. So, there you have it. Follow your senses. Insofar as your senses lead you to a scientific understanding of the universe that you live in. On your quest for knowledge, I wouldn't necessarily recommend going to Epicurus for that scientific understanding, though. Since he seems to have believed that your brain was in your chest. A common belief at the time. He also recommended that you avoid physical pain. A piece of advice you probably don't need a philosopher for. So, perhaps Epicurus isn't the right guy to go to for advice on happiness. What about other great ancient philosophers? What about Plato? Well, remember all those philosophical critics who were lighting up Epicurus for the alleged immorality of his philosophy? They might have had a little more time for Plato's argument. If hedonism was the indulgence of only one thing: pleasure, Plato's idea had a far better ring to it for these critics. For Plato, being happy meant having a balanced personality: wise, brave, just and moderate. Above all, you had to be self-controlled. Athenian society of the era cared so much about self-control that they viewed people who liked seafood too much the way we view drug addicts. Too much desire for the pleasures in life – wine, sex and fish – was the sign of a disordered mind, a person more devoted to pleasure than happiness. Plato on happiness: Self-control and wisdom led to happiness © Bibi Saint-Pol Plato believed that you couldn't be happy without first being good. Which may be true, but it's harder to argue that all good people are necessarily happy, isn't it? How do you rate that? For Plato and his student Aristotle, virtue is central to happiness. And if you were really and truly virtuous you'd be able to deal with your misfortunes and stay happy. Thanks to your self-control. Make sense? “Too much desire for the pleasures in life – wine, sex and fish – was the sign of a disordered mind, a person more devoted to pleasure than happiness.” Herodotus: the father of history If a life of virtue and self-discipline doesn't sound like your ideal road to happiness. maybe some other Greek authors have a better option for us. Let's see what Herodotus, had to say on the subject of happiness. In a story about the great Greek lawmaker Solon, Herodotus puts this sentiment into his mouth. “If besides all this he ends his life well, then he is the one whom you seek, the one worthy to be called fortunate.” Many translations use “happy” instead of “fortunate,” and that's what leads most people to summarise this one as “call no man happy until he is dead.” According to Herodotus, you're not happy until you've passed a happy life and then died a happy death. Herodotus: Happiness lies in death © Wienwiki/Walter Maderbacher So, what can we learn from how ancient philosophers approached the idea of happiness? Well, on the surface it doesn't sound great. Leaving out Herodotus' grim dictum, everyone else seems to agree that happiness is ultimately internal. Something that comes from cultivating the right attitude toward the challenges life hits us with. And that's not surprising: the ancient world was a dangerous place. Disease, war and political unrest were common features of the landscape. Relying on the quality of your surroundings to make you happy was just asking to be disappointed. Cultivating a calm, realistic, balanced outlook – no matter how difficult that might sound – was a far safer bet. And even in a world where we're not as likely to suddenly perish of a disease no one can identify, get speared by the invading Persians or be turned into an animal by a jealous god, that might not be such bad advice after all. ● © Main image: Ingram Image Written by James Holloway James Holloway is a historian and freelancer writer living in Cambridge. In addition to teaching about all the usual kings-battles-and-inventions stuff, he spends his spare time researching and writing about the stranger corners of history, from forgotten holidays to quack medicines to werewolves.

MBSR or mindfulness-based stress reduction is a technique growing in popularity. Ed Gould takes a look at the science behind it and the growing list of physical and mental positive effects on the body... Do you want to alter the way your mind works to gain a greater understanding of the here and now? Are you thinking about which strategies you can use for dealing with pain, inattentiveness or stress? Worried that any approach you might take is not bound up in real scientific research? If so, then MBSR – mindfulness-based stress reduction – may be the practice you've been looking for. The techniques involved are simple; anyone can learn them with persistence. Thorough research from various leading medical experts in their fields has revealed some impressive facts about this practice. The key effects of MBSR Mindfulness-based stress reduction is something that can bring tremendous benefits to anyone who takes it up. While it's not a substitute for treating more serious medical conditions, it does have many benefits. As with most things in life, creating a balance is key. Once you become better-versed in the mindfulness techniques and training, they can have a widely-accepted therapeutic effect for any of the following conditions: stress high blood pressure depression chronic anxiety migraine headaches diabetes some heart conditions In particular, common uses for MBSR are for controlling the often debilitating effects of chronic pain, a frequently unwanted symptom of several of the above-listed ailments. But, how can such claims be made? According to Dr Daniel J. Siegel, a professor of clinical psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, scientific studies and research programs have regularly shown that MBSR is effective in reducing stress in all these conditions and more. Keeping calm: MBSR helps to reduce stress In addition to the medical effects that mindfulness can have, many people use the techniques involved to improve their daily lives. Everyday tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, going for a walk, can all be performed using mindfulness techniques. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine at the University of Massachusetts, taking a mindful approach is as focused on being as fully awake in life as it is when dealing with medical ailments. “It's about perceiving the exquisite vividness of each moment," he says. Therefore, stress-reducing mindfulness can have a powerful effect on individuals who consistently practice the techniques. Even those who don't suffer from excessive amounts of anxiety and mental anguish can benefit from mindfulness. The history of MBSR The science of mindfulness has been a crucial part in creating its modern history. It had its start in America in 1979. Numbers were small, but as word spread of its positive effects, numbers grew. The 35-year history of the course program has revealed to science that it can deliver a consistent and reliable improvement in individuals suffering from stress and other related symptoms. This betterment is present in both medical and psychological symptoms. MBSD was pioneered by Kabat-Zinn, who successfully brought together modern Western traditions of science and medicine together with ancient mindfulness techniques from the Far East. Indeed, mindfulness can trace its roots back hundreds, if not thousands, of years to transcendentalism and Buddhism. Centered in and around the Middle East, India and China, mindfulness takes hold in various religions and philosophies. "Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are." Jon Kabat-Zinn The word mindfulness is essentially a translation into English of the Indian Pali word sati or smrti in Sanskrit. Sometimes translated as 'awareness', sati is one of the fundaments of Buddhist thought. These concepts have a broad range of ways in which they can be practised, similar to anapanasati and satipaṭṭhāna, which are popular in Zen Buddhism. These ideas focus on mindfulness and awareness of sensory experiences. Notable scientific studies into MBSR effects According to Philippe R. Goldin and James J. Gross in their study 'Emotion Regulation in Social Anxiety Disorder', one of the key findings of MBSR research is that it has measurable effects on emotional regulation. Goldin and Gross point out that reducing stress, anxiety, and depression is possible by using these techniques. This result was due to the modifying emotion regulation abilities which mindfulness practices can create. Peace, please: mindfulness can regulate emotions so try MBSR The study also shows that people involved in this research program were able to achieve emotional regulation in a number of different ways. These included changing situations by selection, modifying situations, attentional deployment and response modulation. Another key factor in the scientifically noted emotional regulation detected in participants resulted in cognitive change. Further research studies have been carried out to determine the impact of mindfulness-based stress reduction on social anxiety disorder, a common psychiatric condition. According to one critical study, carried out by Koszycki et al. in 2007, results from the study showed a like-for-like improvement in patients with the disorder was achievable by participating in an eight-week MBSR course, compared with a 12-week cognitive–behavioural group therapy course. Although both programs produced improvements in the mood, functionality, and quality of life for the participants, the study also revealed significantly lower scores for anxiety, especially with cognitive behavioural therapies compared with MBSR, as rated by both clinicians and patients. “Mindfulness-based stress reduction is something that can bring tremendous benefits to anyone who takes it up.” In a 1998 study conducted on medical students, a control group who underwent an MBSR course showed reduced stress levels. Published in the American Journal of Behavioural Medicine, Shapiro et al.'s study showed that there was a reduction of reports from the group of overall psychological distress, including depression. Furthermore, the group stated that they felt increased levels of empathy. They also measured their spiritual existence with higher scores at the end of the course. Fields of use for stress-reducing mindfulness According to Judith Ockene Ph D at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in this video, there are many areas of use for mindfulness-based stress reduction. Early scientific studies showed that psoriasis patients saw improved results after their phototherapy treatments. Two control groups were created. One group listened to a guided mindfulness audio during their treatment, the other group heard no accompanying audio. This study, it should be noted, centred on the physical ailments of psoriasis and not the mental aspects. By simply reducing the stress levels of the patients who underwent their treatments, scientifically demonstrable improvements demonstrated the effects of the physical outcomes from using the mindfulness audio. Now's the time: why not take the free course in MBSR? Much of the recent scientific research into MBSR focusses on mental health, with a particular focus on conditions like depression. But mindfulness can be a powerful tool in the field of medicine across many disciplines and therapeutic avenues. For example, according to Lawrence Leung, Associate Professor at the Department of Family Medicine at Queen's University, Canada, MBSR techniques are also used to help patients cope with chronic non-cancer related pain and a range of other conditions. These matters eventually affect up to half of the world's population at some time or another. With such wide-ranging uses, it seems that the medical possibilities for mindfulness are limitless. All it takes is new ways of imagining its practical application. If you' re keen to try out mindfulness techniques yourself, you can take this 100% free 8-week MBSR course, created by a fully certified MBSR instructor and modelled on the program founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn. ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

While many in today's society strive for wealth, the pursuit of money and status appears to actively damage well-being. Conversely, non-materialistic life goals such as spending time with family or volunteering do, it seems, lead to happiness. We've all heard of the saying 'Money can't buy happiness', but is it actually true? After all, so much misery in this world seems to be as a result of lacking finances. Studies suggest that there may well be something in this presumption that you don't need money to make you content. In his paper Life Goals Matter to Happiness, Bruce Headey looks at the issue of subjective well-being, or SWB, and the influences it has on both materialistic and non-materialistic life goals. He concludes that people with non-materialistic life goals report greater contentment in life than those who pursue more materialistic aims. Set-point theory Many studies looking at these issues use a concept called the set-point theory as the foundation of their approach. The set-point theory holds that it's difficult, if not impossible, to alter your levels of happiness. It claims your ability to be happy is fixed early on in life. Increasingly this theory has come into question and under examination. Cash crash: status and wealth does not lead to happiness There are various factors that can play into a person's ability to create happiness. With therapy and other treatments or lifestyle changes, it's possible to work through past situations. Another reason why this theory is questionable is that it presumes that people are not able to significantly improve their happiness levels. With this last consideration, the mind is powerful and can overcome a lot with concentrated effort. It's well worth taking a second look if this theory is applicable. Contentment over time A current long-running German study looks at SWB and examines how both 'zero-sum goals' and 'non-zero sum goals' affect happiness. Zero-sum goals meaning life goals that concern status or wealth. And non-zero sum goals meaning non-materialistic life goals that concern family life or altruistic activities. The study started in 1984. This has allowed researchers to build a broad picture of how the respondents' happiness levels have changed over a lengthy period. As with all long-term studies, this change provides a great field of evidence. In fact, more than any other study on the subject. “People with non-materialistic life goals report greater contentment in life than those who pursue more materialistic aims.” The paper concluded that people who placed a greater emphasis on non-zero sum goals such as family life experienced greater contentment in life than people who preferred more materialistic zero-sum goals. In fact, the pursuit of money and status appeared to actively damage happiness. Which may or may not come as a surprise. It's likely that dedicating one's energy to career and financial goals could only come at the cost of family life. So, why this split between these two life goals? Why so much emphasis on material gain when it only causes damage to a person? As is often said, you can't have it all. Why materialistic life goals harm you So the question is: why do less or non-materialistic goals make people happier than materialistic ones? The probable explanation is so-called 'status anxiety'. This means that once you've achieved a higher level of status, it's no longer enough: you feel pressure to live up to that status, maintain your lifestyle, and indeed to accomplish more. Materialistic goals create a spiral of higher goals, more work stress and less connection. Status anxiety: success can lead to increased stress at work So when you're awarded a promotion and accompanying pay rise, you have to spend money on a more expensive car. You have to move to a better neighbourhood. And, in return, you need to keep working hard to pay for it, in order to maintain this status level. You may begin socialising with people in a higher income bracket and feel the need to present the same lifestyle as them, regardless if your income is adequate or not. And if your stress levels rise, you feel that you cannot give up your high-paying career because you would have to reduce your lifestyle. Once you achieve a perceived high status, it's extremely difficult to abandon it: the upward spiral effect. “Materialistic goals create a spiral of higher goals, more work stress and less connection.” Non-materialistic life goals, on the other hand, are only beneficial to yourself and others. We can feel a deep sense of satisfaction from volunteering our time without any financial reward. We see that helping others creates meaning and meaning creates contentment. This generosity creates the feeling that we're making a difference. RELATED: Why is volunteering important? A harmonious family life has an undeniably positive effect on our well-being. This ensures that we spend our leisure time in comfortable surroundings and with people we enjoy being around. We choose to have a family and close friends. As opposed to the people we are obliged to spend our working day with and may not enjoy their company. Family gains: quality time with family is one key to happiness Conclusions on non-materialistic life goals It's not intrinsically bad to have ambition because this can motivate us. But this ambition should be used in healthy and productive ways. The conclusion to gather from this is that the pursuit of materialistic goals should not be at the expense of family life and non-materialistic goals. The sensible solution is to find a balance between looking after your financial needs and those of your family and looking after your 'soul'. “We see that helping others creates meaning and meaning creates contentment. This generosity creates the feeling that we're making a difference.” The sensible solution is to find a balance between looking after your financial needs and those of your family, while at the same time not forgetting to look after your 'soul'. This three-way balance takes ambition and motivation to achieve. However, the rewards are well worth the effort. High-quality deep relationships are the basis of a happy life. Having a reasonable degree of financial security is essential. Anyone worried about how to meet their bills will guaranteed to be stressed. But material goals should not dominate one's life. As this will only create the aforementioned upward spiral. There's so much to gain from dedicating a fair portion of your time to your family, friends and local community. As these create good, deep connections and relationships, and those are the keys to a happy life, as the Harvard study found. Striking the right balance between material life goals and non-materialistic life goals is essential for creating and maintaining happiness in your life. ● Main image: Colorbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Life purpose | Nature | Family activities | Simple living Written by Guest author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

Interested in positive psychology and increasing your own happiness? Then the Science of Happiness course could be right for you. Tine Steiss tried it out – but did it change her? Edx.org offers – among many others – a course by Berkeley X called 'The Science of Happiness'. Being an engineer by training, hence naturally sceptical towards a lot of things that fall into the broad spectrum of 'spirituality', I was intrigued by the title. Of course, I want to be happy and yet I can't just blindly believe anything. So, the word science in this context really got me. The Science of Happiness course claims to be "the first MOOC (massive open online course) to teach positive psychology. Learn science-based principles and practices for a happy, meaningful life." Improving happiness with science: the claims This course is free and you can do it at your own pace. So if you're a sceptic and want some scientific proof why certain habits and behaviours have positive effects on your well-being, sign up for it and give it a try. During the course, I admit that I sometimes got bored with the many studies they quoted to prove a point and be scientifically convincing. It was only because by that point I had developed trust in what they were claiming and I didn't need further convincing and have proof for every single point. I had heard about mindfulness, about the benefits of meditation, but I was never convinced enough to actually sit down myself and give it a proper try. Well, after this course I did and I haven't stopped since. Also, seeing scientific proof of the deep need for social connections, this had a big effect on me. I tend to be an introvert and have the vague idea that I need to surround myself with just a handful of the 'right' people to be happy. “I had heard about mindfulness, about the benefits of meditation, but I was never convinced enough to actually sit down myself and give it a proper try. Well, after this course I did and I haven't stopped since.” This view shifted drastically, by focusing on empathy, compassion and also the will to improve relationships rather than avoiding unpleasant conversations. I still try to avoid conflict, but only to a certain degree, because I've learned to appreciate its potential for growth. It also allows for a deeper connection instead of trying to keep up the status quo. Change – after all – is inevitable. Contents of the MOOC: the science of happiness What you'll learn: Discover what happiness is and why it matters to you Learn how to increase your own happiness Understand the power of social connections and the science of empathy Discover what mindfulness is and applications for the real world Overview of the Science of Happiness course I also appreciated the many practices we did during the course: that way you get to try out what works better for you. You develop a broader idea of what you could focus on in the future to develop resilience, improve your happiness and find meaning and therefore motivation in what you are doing. Happiness practices and course topics Referred to as 'happiness practices,' you'll try 11 different practices throughout this eight-week course. For example, active listening, random acts of kindness, and writing a self-compassionate letter. They are all connected to the topics of the course: The power of social connection Kindness & compassion Cooperation & reconciliation Mindfulness Mental habits of happiness Gratitude Finding your happiness fit and the new frontiers As you can see, the 'Science of Happiness' course covers a broad spectrum that influences our happiness. As I said before it does so by presenting scientific proof for the findings and recommendations on how to improve your happiness. ● Images: edX the Science of happiness Written by Tine Steiss Tine is an artist, meditator, media engineer and student of happiness. If she is not traveling she's working on turning her rooftop terrace into an urban garden paradise. Find out more about her on: Instagram, Facebook

Fulfilling relationships are about all good communication, and as kink or BDSM relationships are very much based around talking, Kayla Lords suggests we look at them deeper to learn more about developing long-lasting and honest relationships... Ask someone what they think of when you say “kink” or “BDSM” and, even if they’re not into kink at all, it’ll be something about pain or rope or leather. You’ll also talk about sex and fetishes. A lot of people focus on what makes kink stand out from non-kink. That’s the fun part for a lot of us, but there’s another level to many kinky and fulfilling relationships that anyone can benefit from doing in their own relationship. Kink and BDSM don’t work unless both parties are willing to communicate with each other. And you don’t have to be kinky for that to be good for your relationship. It’s both as simple as and as hard as doing very specific things: Say what you feel – good or bad Communicate your desires, even the ones that are new to you or you’re ashamed of Share your fears – about sex, relationships, and everything else Listen to each other – without thinking of what you’re going to say next Reserve judgement It’s important not to be judgmental about what the other person is telling you. They may admit to a curious desire to something you find repulsive. Instead of judging them based on how you feel about it, let them know it’s safe to talk to you. We have a saying in BDSM: Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay. The same is true outside of kink. You don’t have to want something for yourself for it to be okay for your partner. Undress the truth: fulfilling relationships are based around honesty Communication isn’t only about sex, though. Sharing fears, concerns, and worries that you have at work, at school, in your relationship, and in life bring you closer to each other. You’ll develop a trust and a bond that comes with knowing each other intimately. Be open to new things In a BDSM relationship, we discuss both hard and soft limits, as well as our desires. A hard limit is something you have no desire to try; it may even disgust you to imagine it. A soft limit is something that you’re unsure of, maybe even nervous about, but you would try it – at least once. This works when you’re not kinky, too. “Communication isn’t only about sex, though. Sharing fears, concerns, and worries that you have at work, at school, in your relationship, and in life bring you closer to each other.” Fulfilling relationships aren't always about sex. You may have a no-pet policy in your relationship, but you’d be willing to consider a goldfish. You may say you hate to travel, but if your partner was with you, you’d consider a road trip. The growth of a relationship is proportional to the growth of the people in that relationship. When you try new things, whether it’s a new sexual position or you ride a roller coaster for the first time, you learn something about yourself, and you grow. Successful relationships, kinky or not, thrive on trying new things. It fosters communication, experimentation, new ideas, and new opinions. Every relationship can benefit from that. Understanding consent The quickest way to break someone’s trust is to violate their consent. Most of the time, we’re talking about sex when we discuss consent. In a kinky relationship, not everything we do is sexual. Sometimes it’s about the kinky play – being tied up, being blindfolded, or anything not directly related to sexual intercourse. When you say no, whether it’s a clear, “No!” or a safeword like, “Purple banana!” or you don’t enthusiastically say yes to any activity, that lack of consent must be respected. Behind the sheets: don't be afraid to talk about what you want in sex It’s important to understand consent on a deeper level, for both parties. If you’re going to try something new, you’ll want to be able to give informed consent. This means that you have some idea of what to expect, what will happen, and what it will feel like. Your “new thing” could be a new restaurant, meeting someone new, or a new vibrator. We feel more at ease about our decisions when we have an idea of what to expect. Saying yes to something blindly can lead to bad surprises. And having someone ignore you when you say no will too. It will also create a crack in your relationship that can be hard to repair, and may break your relationship. Consent should be informed, understood, clear, and, above all, respected. Taking care of each other In BDSM, there's always a top and a bottom or a dominant and a submissive. One controls, the other gives up control. One has the power, the other consents to that power. What most people don’t realize, however, is that in the best BDSM relationships, each person takes care of the other. We fulfill each other’s needs as much as we can. We help each other. We build each other up, care for each other, and nurture our passions and goals. Every relationship can benefit from a bit of care. Even if your relationship isn’t one you expect to last forever, while you’re together, genuinely try to make that person’s life a little better. It may only be better while you’re in each other’s presence, and it should never violate your own ethics and morals, but asking how their day went, giving them a hug, encouraging them in their goals – these are all ways to easily take care of someone. Celebrate your differences Yes, compatibility is important in any relationship. If you didn’t have a single thing in common, things could get awkward and boring quickly. That being said, where you’re different there are opportunities to learn and grow as individuals. “In the best BDSM relationships, each person takes care of the other. We fulfill each other’s needs as much as we can. We help each other.” Don’t shame or allow yourself to be shamed for wanting or liking something different than your partner. Instead, use it as a place to begin a new journey for yourself, with your partner, or, if you’re interested in a more open relationship, with someone new. An open relationship won’t work without openness, honesty, integrity, trust, and constant communication in your relationship. When people think about BDSM or kink, sex and fetish are usually the first things that come to mind. It’s what excites some people and turns others off. But there’s much more to kinky relationships than that. Look beneath the surface, and you’ll find bonds that run deep. Everyone can benefit and find satisfaction from the things that really make fulfilling relationships work. Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Kayla Lords Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. She hosts a weekly podcast, Loving BDSM, where she and her Dominant talk about loving BDSM in a loving D/s relationship and share what they've learned and experienced as a kinky couple.

My Sexual Journey Has Taught Me Many Things Sexuality is not a black and white field. It's an abstract painting in thousands of colors. The search for happiness can sometimes lead us to places we never thought possible. This personal story of a little's sexual journey reveals a fantastic adventure in acceptance and happiness... At the beginning of my sexual journey, I knew I liked it hard and forbidden. But I didn't really experiment with it, it was the same things all the time, tying up, spanking, whipping and once in a while a slap on the cheek. I liked it but I didn't really feel satisfied, like completely satisfied. Then I met my fiancé. We'd lived on different continents and therefore the sex became a lot more verbal. We experimented and still experiment so much without or bodies even touching. Somewhere there I started sorting out what my kinks were, and which were not. When we finally met for the first time after a long time just dirty talking and sex video-caming a new kind of sexual journey started. The physical. Not until we were pretty good at each other's bodies, each other's minds we felt we were ready to take the next step. Master/slave. We made a contract and all, but we, especially he, felt a little intimidated by it, like it was too much of a commitment to drop the role-playing and live like this 24/7. In the middle of this situation my fiancé took a BDSM test, you know those that everyone is referring to on fetish communities, I was laying in bed minding my own business when he started poking me with his finger. "You've gotta read this!". It was about Daddy dom/ little girl. I read it and halfway through it was like everything got clear. This! This is what we "are". This is what we already live 24/7. Accepting our kinks From the beginning, I was totally terrified. Fetishes like that are so misconceived. But the more we talked about it and the more we realized that it wasn't that much of a choice, it's just who we are, we started living it freely. Today I feel like a little, really feel like it. I've let my princess side out more and more, which I earlier hid with tom boy clothes and not acting girly at all. Today I've let that princess in me come out and be free and I'm so happy. It wasn't that much of an acceptance, it was rather a poking it a little bit to come out and play. And the one kink that makes you feel complete, satisfied in more than the sexual aspect, go for it. I feel free, happy and unstoppable. Written by Princess EPrincess E is a Swedish freelancer who focuses on DDlg, which she's living 24/7. Most of her writings are based on her experiences with her Daddy; Mr. B. Runs a blog and can be found on Twitter.

Have you heard of The School of Life? It's an organization set up by experts in their field dedicated to improving lives, especially when it comes to relationships, careers and emotional well-being. Find out more... The School of Life was founded in 2008 by well-known public philosopher and author Alain de Botton. Alongside colleagues in the arts, education and cultural fields, the group started this London-based global institution dedicated to the pursuit of the better life. The school provides consultations and training for businesses. This includes a range of courses and services for individuals which are aimed at helping clients with relationships, careers advice and emotional well-being. It now has branches in London, Antwerp, Amsterdam, Berlin, Istanbul, Melbourne, México City, Paris, São Paulo, Sydney, Seoul, Taipei, and Tel Aviv. Never board: The School of Life is dedicated to a better life Help comes in the form of face-to-face therapeutic treatments and classroom-based sessions. The School delivers educational material through physical books, online books and films, a YouTube channel, and various educational tools. Many School of Life courses have received accreditation from the Continuing Professional Development Certification Service. The School is a partner in the Knowledge Quarter: a professional association that works towards the sharing and dissemination of ideas and knowledge. The humane spirit of The School of Life The School of Life bases its approach in the arts and humanities. It does this by exploring history, psychology, sociology, economics, politics, ethics and philosophical concepts. Alongside treatment of the inner aspects of the human subject, the School gives orientation in external social matters. These matters include responsible consumerism and entrepreneurship, and how to engage with culture and make one's place in the modern consumer-capitalist world, with all its challenges. “The School of Life bases its approach in the arts and humanities. It does this by exploring history, psychology, sociology, economics, politics, ethics and philosophical concepts.” The courses and therapies on offer encourage a realistic attitude to the concept of happiness. They pursue this and foster a sense of hopefulness and possibility with a humane spirit. Free of dogma and jargon or any particular ideology, they present challenging ideas to the individual. This is at the centre of everything The School of Life does. Down under: the window of the Melbourne branch of the School Aspects of modern living with which The School of Life can help: Improved parenting Being an understanding son or daughter Dealing with fear and anxiety Developing one's capacity for tolerance, forgiveness, appreciativeness and self-insight A more person-centred ethos in business and in the workplace Being comfortable with the acquisition of learning for its own sake, not only for passing examinations. “The courses and therapies on offer encourage a realistic attitude to the concept of happiness. They pursue this and foster a sense of hopefulness and possibility with a humane spirit.” The School of Life: goals The people at The School of Life do not lack ambition. It's their purpose to become a global hub for the promulgation of better emotional health. They employ various media to reach across nations with their philosophy. Which is about personal development and the psychological well-being in personal lives and in the workplace. The School aims to grow and bring its unique approach to finding solutions for emotional pain and confusion worldwide. In their own words, it 'wants to bring collective strength to the field of emotional health.' Check out The School of Life book and its website. ● Images: The book of life, YouTube, Colorbox.com Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

When Princess E started accepting her kinks and desires through exploring her sexual journey, she was well on her way to discovering her inner happiness. As long as I can remember I've had a longing, an appetite for the darkness, for 'forbidden fruit' and the so-called bad. Maybe that's why I got into so much trouble growing up. I met shady guys who took advantage of me and became more and more destructive, until I realized that I didn't even knew who I was anymore. My journey to accepting my sexuality might be dark, but it ended with such a wonderful thing. I was jumping between men, hoping to find something I was longing for, needing, actually. Someone who as good at giving me spankings as well as giving me sweet kisses. Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed – what I was begging for, I just jumped on the next guy. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with doing that if that's your thing, but for me, it only broke me down even more. Until one day, it just clicked. The day when my fiancé came into the picture everything changed. He saw me – through my body – past all the walls that I'd built up. He saw that little girl and nurtured her, took care of her. And that was probably where our fetish for DDlg started – without us even knowing. “Nothing I found was completely right for me. Instead of looking inside, deep down in my soul to find what I needed, I just jumped on the next guy.” Mr. B, as I call him, knows the exact amount of comforting that is needed after a rough night in bed. He understands, and views it as a privilege, that I'm his sub. That I chose to submit only to him. I'd been in the BDSM lifestyle for a while before I met Mr. B. Even still, I never totally understood what aftercare meant until I met him. For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person. Some say that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. For me, it's the exact opposite. Someone loving me has made me look at myself in a different way. And now I'm empowered. I'm strong. And I'm proud of my sexuality. My sexual journey: accepting my kinks At the very beginning of my sexual journey I knew I liked things hard; the 'forbidden fruit' of the bedroom. But I didn't really experiment with it. It was the same thing every time: being tied up, spanked, whipped and once in a while, a slap on the cheek. I liked it, but I didn't really feel satisfied, not completely satisfied. Then I met my fiancé. We lived on different continents and therefore sex became a lot more verbal. We experimented, and still do to this day, without our bodies even touching. Somewhere along the way, I started sorting out what my kinks were, and which were not. Finding our groove... and fetish When we finally met for the first time, after a long period of long-distance dirty talk and sex-cam action, a new journey started – the physical journey. Not until we were secure in our knowledge of each other's bodies and minds did we feel that we were ready to take the next step: master/slave. We made a contract and everything. But we, especially Mr. B, felt a little intimidated by it, like it was too much of a commitment to drop the role-playing and live like this 24/7. In the middle of the situation my fiancé took the infamous 'BDSM test'. “For the first time in my life, I lived out BDSM to please me and my man, not to let other people destroy an already broken person.” I was laying in bed, minding my own business, when he started poking me with his finger. "You've gotta read this!" It was about Daddy Dom/little girl. I read it and halfway through it was like everything was suddenly clear. This! This is what we are. This is what we already live 24/7. From the beginning, I was totally terrified. Fetishes like that are so misconstrued. But the more we talked about it, the more we realized that it wasn't that much of a choice. It's just who we were, we'd started living it freely, naturally. Delicious, forbidden fruit Today I've let my princess side out more and more, which I hid earlier by wearing tom boy clothes and not acting girly at all. That princess in me has come out and is free, and now I'm so happy. It wasn't that much to overcome. It was more like poking at it a bit to come out and play. And if there's one kink that makes you feel complete, makes you feel satisfied in more than the sexual aspect, go for it. After accepting my sexuality I feel free, happy and unstoppable. ● Main image: Colorbox.com Written by Princess E Princess E is a Swedish freelancer who focuses on DDlg, which she's living 24/7. Most of her writings are based on her experiences with her Daddy; Mr. B. Runs a blog and can be found on Twitter.

By balancing our physiology and nervous systems, body-based practices can help us through hard times. By Linda Graham on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. Stuff happens. Another car suddenly swerves into your lane on the freeway. You misplace your keys and wallet two minutes before you need to catch your bus to work. You shred the wrong client file at the office. These mini-disasters create quite a startle in your nervous system — a rush of adrenaline that helps ready your body for “fight or flight,” our natural defense against perceived danger. But if your body is hit with adrenaline for every little thing that goes wrong in life, it can tax your capacity to cope, making recovery from future setbacks like these even more difficult. Luckily, it’s possible to strengthen your own body-based somatic intelligence to quickly respond to and recover from any sense of threat to your safety or well-being. What is somatic intelligence? It’s understanding how your body responds to danger and using that knowledge to support your body as you go through life — which, if you’re human, is bound to be filled with at least some adversity. In my new book, Resilience: Powerful Practices for Bouncing Back from Disappointment, Difficulty, and Even Disaster, I explain many of the resources we have within us to build up our resilience. While the book outlines several resilience tools — including those aimed at improving emotional, relational, and reflective intelligence — building somatic intelligence is key to all of these. Without it, it’s difficult to engage in any of the other practices available to you. “Luckily, it’s possible to strengthen your own body-based somatic intelligence to quickly respond to and recover from any sense of threat to your safety or well-being.” To better support our natural somatic intelligence, we need to soothe our nervous system through body-based practices that steady our brain’s perceptions of and responses to danger and help us retain a sense of safety. Once we master some of these techniques, we are prepared for more resilient coping, learning, and growth. Here are some simple practices I recommend in my book, each of them grounded in neurophysiology. 1. Breathing To breathe is to be alive. Every inhalation you take activates the sympathetic branch of your nervous system a little bit (a lot when you overreact to something and hyperventilate), while every exhalation activates the parasympathetic branch a little bit (a lot when you feel scared to death and faint). That means that your breath goes through natural cycles of energizing you and relaxing you. We can intentionally use this rhythm of gently breathing in and out to reliably regulate the revving up and shutting down of our nervous system. Simply pause for a moment and focus your attention on your breathing. Notice where it’s easiest to sense the sensations of your breath flowing in and out — your nostrils, your throat, in the rise and fall of your chest or belly. Take a moment to experience some gratitude for the breath that sustains your life, every moment of your life. Breathing, with one hand on the heart, can soothe you 2. Deep sigh A deep sigh is your body-brain’s natural way to release tension and reset your nervous system. Simply breathe in fully, then breathe out fully, longer on the exhale. Studies have shown that a deep sigh returns the autonomic nervous system from an over-activated sympathetic state to a more balanced parasympathetic state. Even as what you’re coping with becomes more challenging, you can deliberately pair any moment of tension or frustration with a sigh to shift your physiology into a relieved and more relaxed state, thereby enhancing your chances of seeing clearly and choosing to respond wisely to what’s happening. 3. Touch To soothe the nervous system and restore a sense of safety and trust in the moment, it helps to use the power of touch. Warm, safe touch activates the release of oxytocin — the “tend and befriend” hormone that creates pleasant feelings in the body and is the brain’s direct and immediate antidote to the stress hormone cortisol. Oxytocin is one of a cascade of neurochemicals that are part of the brain-body social engagement system. Because being in the presence of other people is so critical to our well-being and safety, nature has provided this system to encourage us to reach out to others and connect. That’s why touch, along with physical proximity and eye contact, evokes a viscerally felt sense of reassurance that “everything is OK; you’re fine.” 4. Hand on the heart Research has shown that placing your hand over your heart and gently breathing can soothe your mind and your body. And experiencing the sensations of touch with another safe human being, even recalling memories of those moments, can activate the release of oxytocin, which evokes a feeling of safety and trust. This is a practice that takes advantage of breath and touch, but also memories of feeling safe with another person. Here's how it’s done: Place your hand on your heart. Breathe gently, softly, and deeply into the area of your heart. If you wish, breathe a sense of ease or safety or goodness into your heart center. Remember one moment, just one moment when you felt safe, loved, and cherished by another human being. Don’t try to recall the entire relationship, just one moment. This could be with a partner, a child, a friend, a therapist, or a teacher; it could be with a spiritual figure. Remembering a loving moment with a pet can work very well, too. As you remember this moment of feeling safe, loved, and cherished, let yourself savor the feelings of that moment. Let yourself stay with these feelings for 20 to 30 seconds. Notice any deepening in a visceral sense of ease and safety. “Placing your hand over your heart and gently breathing can soothe your mind and body.” Repeat this practice many times a day at first, to strengthen the neural circuitry that remembers this pattern. Then practice this exercise whenever you experience the first signal of a startle or an upset. With practice, it will enable you to back out of a difficult emotional reaction before it hijacks you. Make a move: placing hands on your hips can make you feel confident 5. Movement Any time you move your body and shift your posture, you shift your physiology, which, in turn, shifts the activity of your autonomic nervous system. Therefore, you can use movement to shift your emotions and your mood. For example, if you're feeling scared or nervous, research has shown that taking a pose that expresses the opposite of that — putting your hands on your hips, your chest out, and your head held high — will make you feel more confident. Yoga poses can increase your confidence, too — perhaps even more so than poses associated with social dominance. So, if you're experiencing any state of fear, anger, sadness, or disgust, try shifting your posture. Let your body move into a posture that expresses the emotional state you want to develop in yourself to counteract what you’re feeling. I’ve found that working with my clients on this technique can sometimes really shift something for them, as they discover that they actually have the means inside of themselves to deal with these difficult emotions. There are many more practices outlined in my book that you can use to cultivate more calm in the body, restore your natural physiological equilibrium, and access a deeper sense of safety and well-being that primes your brain for more resilient learning and coping. By practicing these tools, you will not only cope better with any upset or catastrophe and bounce back better from any adversity, you will also learn to see yourself as someone who can cope. And that sense of being able to soothe yourself after setbacks is the beginning of developing true resilience. ● This essay is adapted from Resilience: Powerful Practices for Bouncing Back from Disappointment, Difficulty, and Even Disaster (New World Library, 2018, 304 pages) by Linda Graham, MFT. Subscribe to her newsletter and learn more about her work. Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.org is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu