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We all get down on ourselves sometimes, but if you're stuck in a rut and thinking “I hate my life”, then it's time to take action. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares 10 practical ideas to help put your life in perspective and turn things around so you can start loving it again... “I hate my life!” Does this statement (or, rather, exclamation bellowed in agony) resonate with you now or in the past? Then you are not alone. Life can be joyous, exhilarating and breathtaking. However, it is also unpredictable. Challenges arise, we make wrong decisions, difficulties get hurled our way. A part of life is to dislike some of it. You might have married the wrong person, and now you loathe your time together. Maybe you were hit by an economic crisis and cannot make ends meet. You could be chronically overworked, not having the time to do anything else. Sometimes it seems only logical to hate your life. I lived in that state for many years. And I do not mean a teenage “I hate my life!” exclamation when you embarrass yourself in front of the entire class. I'm talking about the darkest loathing of every waking moment. I know how your soul grows black when you feel inescapably hopeless and helpless. Why did I share that with you? Because I want you to know that what you will read is not empty talk. I have travelled the path, and I did so very recently. You, too, can swim back to the surface. How? Read on for some ideas on how to fight the antipathy you nurture towards your own life — and fall back in love with it. Stop hating, start reclaiming Hating your life is not a pretty state to be in. Wrong choices and regret tend to put you off course. I remember when I noticed my life suddenly starting to lose all its colours. I felt lost. I was paralysed by the revulsion when I catalogued all my failures that made my life unenjoyable, to say the least. If you have had enough of loathing, start reclaiming your life. It may be a long road to travel. Still, you are bound to become sager afterwards — not to mention happier. 1. Take time to reflect The very first step you need to take is to understand why you hate your life. It may be obvious, like having a job that drains your energy and has no higher purpose whatsoever. In other instances, the source of your hatred may not be so obvious. It could be a group of aspects of your life, like an unsupportive family, lack of time for hobbies, overly expensive apartment, wrong profession, and so on. If you hate your life, it's time to take steps to change it Take some time to reflect on the topic. Write down your thoughts if you need to. What it is exactly that you want out of your life? It would be best if you determined exactly where the loathing comes from. Because unless you know why you hate your life, it will be challenging to come up with how to change it. 2. Determine what's in your power to change When you're done with the soul-searching from the first step, you should analyse the situation. What is it that you can control and change? What is out of your hands? For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, there's little point in trying to make the abuser change. However, you can transform your perspective on things. You can gradually start refusing to think about your life and yourself as they dictate. Their insults do not have to be the building blocks of your identity. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness The Serenity Prayer, regardless of your religion, speaks about a pearl of universal and timeless wisdom: Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other 3. Remove unhelpful automatic thoughts Whatever your situation may be, chances are, the previous step led you to realise your thoughts are always in your hands. Indeed, it's the one thing we can always control. We all have many automatic thoughts. Unfortunately, they are often unhelpful. Such maladaptive thinking patterns cause numerous disturbances and difficulties, as a cross-cultural study found. A straightforward example: if you keep thinking “I hate my life” then you are gearing your mind towards negativity. “Come up with alternative statements and start thinking them instead of the negative ones. For example, replace 'I hate my life' with 'It's in my power to create the life I want.” Work on removing such maladaptive thoughts. Challenge them, search for counterarguments. Come up with alternative statements, and start thinking them instead of the negative ones. For example, replace “I hate my life” with “It is in my power to create the life I want”. Remember: you are not your thoughts. A systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. 4. Forgive and self-forgive If you're in a situation that makes you hate your life, maybe you need to work on forgiveness. An extensive review of studies on forgiveness found that if we find it in ourselves to replace the unforgiving emotions with empathy and compassion, our bodies and minds heal. And what about self-forgiveness? When you forgive yourself, you open the doors to growing as a person, a study revealed. According to Stanford University’s summary of recent findings in the field, self-forgiveness leads to: Wisdom Increased ability to focus, success, and higher productivity Better emotional health More quality relationships A sense of happiness and gratitude Whether you’re feeling guilty for hurting another person, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or for failing to stick to healthy habits, let go of self-hate. Letting go of loathing will help you release your energy for a fresh start and a new, happier life. 5. Practise gratitude When you hate your life, you probably have a bias towards seeing the negatives. It may be a strong mental habit, making you blind to the opportunities that are still there for you. However, if you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Focus on all of the good things in your life. Indeed, even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for. Practise gratitude and enjoy the simple things in life shutterstock/Serhii Yurkiv It may be your memories and the wonderful moments you've had in the past. It could be your inner strength and perseverance. Look at nature and cherish its beauty. Take a moment to watch the morning and be thankful for seeing it. Savour. Then move gradually towards recognising other positives in your life — friends, family, your home, your job... find the good in everything you can. In that way, you train your mind to stop focusing on the loathsome aspects of your life. Scientific research has confirmed the benefits of gratitude on life satisfaction and happiness. Suddenly, you will start seeing the opportunities to turn things around. 6. Avoid comparisons Comparing yourself to others can make you vulnerable to anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. We're naturally inclined to compare ourselves to others. Social media make it very difficult not to. However, what people showcase online is carefully corrected and selected to display only the best features. Trying to keep up with those fake standards is bound to make you hate your life. Even when you know images and posts are edited, they can still make you feel inadequate. “However, if you're fed up with the hatred of your life, start practising gratitude. Even in the darkest moments, there is something to be grateful for.” So, do not compare yourself. Direct your energy towards your authentic needs and wishes instead. Ask yourself — what would I want if I was not trying to keep up? What would I do if I did not care about praise, money, accomplishments, recognition? 7. Explore your passions Do you remember the last time you felt on top of the world? You were likely living in line with your principles and passions at that time. Now that you are not, you probably feel lost and “I hate my life” has become your mantra. Therefore, venture on to explore and (re)discover your interests. Ask yourself: “What is it that I used to love doing and believed in?” “What would I want to do if I did not have to care about money or anything else?” Search for the activities that give you something called flow, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Flow is a state in which you get lost in an activity. You stop noticing time passing, and you're absorbed in what you're doing. Csikszentmihalyi’s research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. 8. Get support (and input) from your friends and family Hating your life puts you in a dark and, often, lonely place. You may be living under circumstances that isolate you. The heaviness of the feeling might be too much to hide or to share with others. Embrace family when you're feeling low in life shutterstock/AlessandroBiascioli Yet, being alone is a stressor on its own. It can make it too easy to ruminate about what you loathe about your life. Try to “prescribe” yourself socialising with people. Enjoy a casual coffee with friends or a heart-to-heart conversation about what worries you. Studies revealed that social support could help you step out of your head and gain a fresh perspective on things. 9. Look after yourself When you're in a state of loathing your life, it often becomes difficult to take good care of yourself. However, the mind-body connection goes two ways. When you're sleep-deprived, sick, and physically weak, you become psychologically vulnerable, too. RELATED: Feeling blue or clinically depressed? The 4 things you should look out for So, start looking after yourself. Sleep, exercise, get enough fresh air, eat healthy food. Scientific research has proven that physical activity helps lower the levels of stress hormones in your body. It also increases your ability to focus and use your intellectual skills better. As a result, you will gain clarity and better control over your emotions. Same goes for other acts of self-care. Give yourself plenty of self-love, even when you do not feel like it. Your future self will thank you. 10. Make a plan of action After all of the steps above, you're probably ready to make an action plan. Identify what makes you unhappy. Commit to making small steps to improve things. Each day, ask yourself: “What is it that I can do to move closer to my goal today?” The “I hate my life” monster might raise its ugly head a few more times. However, stop sabotaging yourself. Do not allow it to stay in your head for too long. Remember — our time on this planet is limited. You do not want to spend whatever time you have left hating your life — you want to change it while you can. Takeaway: I hate my life Yes, you only get to live once. So, does it make any sense to hate your life? Is it not wiser to try and change it around? It may take some time, but if you use the rock bottom you're at right now to push yourself back to the surface, you will be able to say: “I survived”. You will start to love living again and enjoy every moment of it. • Main image: shutterstock/Srdjan Randjelovic Please note that the “I hate my life” sentiment might be a symptom of clinical depression. If you experience any of the signs of this emotional disorder, make sure to reach out to your local mental health services. In the US, you can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for free and confidential support. Use Lifeline Chat or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In the UK, call 116 123 to talk to Samaritans, or email: [email protected] for a reply within 24 hours. You can also text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, or text “YM” if you're under 19. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting in our happiness forum ■ learning with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

What exactly are the Four Agreements? Arlo Laibowitz explores these ancient suggestions for ways of living your life in happiness... Do self-help books help? This simple and provocative question is the title of an article by Ad Bergsma in the Journal of Happiness Studies. In this article, Bergsma studies the different types of psychological self-help books – such as The Four Agreements – and their possible positive effects. When discussing the arguments of opponents of these books, he coins existing terms to describe them: ‘psychobabble’, ‘false hope syndrome’, and the problem of ‘one-size fits all’. Still, there are positive effects to be noted. One of them, according to researcher Steven Starker is this: 'Of what value is an inspirational message to those in need of health, beauty, happiness, success and creativity? In general, it lifts the spirit, engenders and supports hope, and keeps people striving towards their goals; it also fends off feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair and depression. This constitutes its greatest service.' The Four Agreements is a self-help book by Mexican author Don Miguel Ruiz. It is, according to its author, a book based on ancient wisdom by the pre-Columbian Toltecs. The historicity of the Toltecs is a matter of scholarly debate, but, according to Ruiz, they were a group of scientists and artists who came together to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge of the “ancient ones”. When looking closer at the book's content, there are parallels with modern psychology and cognitive therapy, with spiritual and mindfulness teachings, and with general happiness practices that are being researched and supported by modern psychology. What are the Four Agreements? Esoteric psychobabble, valuable ancient wisdom, or borrowed ideas? Whatever the Four Agreements are, they have given me and many others hope and have fended off the despair that Starker speaks of. So, what are the Four Agreements exactly? And how can they help us to attain more happiness? Four Agreements: summary Put in their most basic form, the Four Agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 2. Don’t take anything personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. This also includes the voices inside your mind. 3. Don’t make assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. 4. Always do your best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to unwell. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret. Sounds simple, right? No hocus-pocus or fancy spiritualism. However, when looking at the meat of The Four Agreements book, things get a bit more complicated, but also more interesting. Toltec wisdom and The Dream of the World The structure of The Four Agreements is like an oreo: the agreements are sandwiched in between spiritual guidance and thoughts. At the beginning of the book, Ruiz starts off with some Toltec mythology, and introducing the concept of “the dream of the world”: that is an important prerequisite to understanding the meaning of the agreements themselves. The Toltec had their own mythology, that stated that a couple of thousands of years ago, a man studied to be a medicine man, and discovered that everything is made of light and that all existence is one living being. “Whatever the Four Agreements are, they have given me and many others hope and fended off despair.” One passage from the book reads as follows: "This is what he discovered: everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. And he concluded that human perception is merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror — everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light — and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn't allow us to see what we really are. […] Once he knew what he really was, he looked around at other humans and the rest of nature, and was amazed at what he saw. He saw himself in everything — in every human, in every animal, in every tree, in the water, in the rain, in the clouds, in the earth.” When reading this passage for the first time, it might strike you as very similar to the Buddhist notion of the illusion of the separate self, known as Anatta. The teaching of the Self and Not-Self is instrumental in the path to happiness, as they are associated with processes of acceptance and letting go. This is also very familiar to the philosophy of Alan Watts, especially The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. In it, Watts argues very similar concepts of the illusion of the Ego, and the arguable truth that the Universe “peoples”: that we are extensions of the universe, reflecting on itself. Our path to happiness lies in embracing that reality, instead of clinging on to notions of the Ego and the Self that separate us from others and the world at large. A happier outlook on the world is recognising the connectedness we have to the world. The Dream of the World Next, Ruiz discusses what he calls the Dream of the World. Recognising that what we perceive as reality is but a dream, how is this dream made? Don Miguel Ruiz argues that truth is replaced in our world by symbols, words, which are only illusions. As children, we believe what adults tell us about the world, and we start to dream with others in the world. Our dream tells us how to act in the world, what to believe and what not, what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. We accept all of these notions because we make agreements with ourselves and the world. We create an inner Judge, and this Judge constantly judges and punishes us when we don’t live up to our self-created agreements. In this process, we create the Victim, who carries guilt, and gets punished over and over again. This notion of the Judge and the Victim strongly resembles the ideas that Kristin Neff introduces in her method of Mindful Self Compassion, and especially in her article 'The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself'. She analyses the way we develop notions of self-judgement, and thereby neglect self-compassion. In our development, we create notions of self-esteem that are detrimental to us, for we cannot live up to our own standards. The answer to this self-judgement is self-compassion, a method to be more kind, more compassionate, towards ourselves. RELATED: How to practise self-compassion – 6 proven techniques Neff writes: "We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. “We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally, they fall short of our expectations. We dishonour ourselves just to please other people. We even harm our physical bodies just to be accepted by others. […] Therefore we live in a dream of hell, and we search for a way to transform this into a dream of heaven. To escape our dream of hell, we have to break old agreements, that are fear based, and reclaim our freedom and power. The four agreements help us breaking down all our old agreements.” So, this is how all of this relates to the Four Agreements that Ruiz proposes afterwards. Because we create a divide between ourselves and the world, the Universe, and because we create the Judge/Victim dichotomy within ourself, we live in tension, we feel inauthentic and dishonest. We make toxic agreements with ourselves about ourselves, and about our relationships with others. The Four Agreements help us to replace these toxic agreements with newer, happier agreements. The Four Agreements: the long version 1. Be impeccable with your word "Be impeccable with your word. This is the first agreement that you should make if you want to be free if you want to be happy […] Use the word in the correct way. Use the word to share your love. Use white magic, beginning with yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are, how great you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Use the word to break all those teeny, tiny agreements that make you suffer.” The first agreement sounds simple. But, it encompasses a couple of different notions. Literally, impeccable means “without sin”. Don Miguel Ruiz invites us to be without sin in our words, as the first way to replace our old agreements with new ones. Both the words we utter to ourselves, and that words that we utter to others. If we love ourselves, we use kind words to ourselves, instead of committing the ’sin’ of going against yourself. We take responsibility for our actions, but we don’t judge or blame ourselves. If we love others, we don’t gossip or talk badly to or about them, but we share our common humanity. The Four Agreements does not allow for gossiping shutterstock/rawpixel.com This first agreement has strong connection to both ‘mindset’, as proposed by psychologist Carol Dweck, and with the fundamentals of Neuro-Linguistic Programming [NLP], as can be found in Brian Colbert's writings. The idea of mindset, and especially of ‘growth mindset’, states that we can develop and alter our abilities through dedication and work. NLP engages its practitioners in the power of language and how we use it internally, to impact how we view and experience ourselves and the world. Call it impeccability with our word, ‘growth mindset’, or NLP. In any case, we can live happier lives if we use our words (for example with these NLP happiness techniques), both internally and to others, for good. 2. Don’t take anything personally "During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me! Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of them.” Ruiz argues that everything that others say or do is because of their dream, not because of us. This goes for both criticism, but also for positive comments that others make about us. We don’t have to take any of that personally. When we stop taking things personally, we don’t get hurt anymore by others and can keep being impeccable with our word in our communication with them. Furthermore, he argues that we don’t even have to take ourselves, or the things we say to ourselves, personally. "If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions. If you don’t feel any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You love everything that is around you because you love yourself. Because you like the way you are because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life […] happy with your agreements with life.” The notion of not taking anything personally, and finding communication that is non-confrontational to leave space for the other to live their ‘dream', resonates strongly with the idea of Non-Violent Communication [NVC]. Originally developed by Marshall Rosenberg, NVC focuses on three aspects of communication: self-empathy (deep and compassionate awareness of one's own experience) empathy (understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person) honest self-expression (expressing oneself authentically in a way that is likely to inspire compassion in others) NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved. 3. Don’t make assumptions "We tend to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.” Don Miguel Ruiz argues that most of our suffering stems from our tendency to make assumptions. We find this notion as well in Cognitive Therapy, and especially in the research of Aaron Beck. Beck states that we have cognitive distortions, or thinking patterns, that interfere with how we perceive an event. These distortions can feed negative emotions and communication. Don't assume anything shutterstock/Gustavo Frazao One of these distortions is jumping to conclusions, or ‘mind reading', in which we infer other people’s thoughts. The solution to having these distortions, or making assumptions, is to ask questions, and making sure that communication is clear. Even then, don’t assume that you know everything about the situation. "We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner conflicts. “I think I can do this.” You make this assumption, for instance, then you discover you aren't able to do it. You overestimate or underestimate yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions and to answer them. Perhaps you need to gather more facts about a particular situation. Or maybe you need to stop lying to yourself about what you truly want.” As with not taking anything personally, Ruiz also invites us to examine the assumptions we make about ourselves. Only when we are mindful of the things we tell ourselves that are within or not within our capabilities, and when we stop making assumptions about what others mean, can we become happier. 4. Always do your best “There is just one more agreement, but it’s the one that allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits. The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: Always do your best. Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. […] But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.” The fourth agreement seems very simple to make with ourselves, if we allow ourselves to stop judging, and don’t make assumptions about our capabilities. However, there is another element to this agreement, which according to Ruiz increases our happiness dramatically: "Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive; you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy. When you always do your best, you take action. Doing your best is taking action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.” This action-based happiness, this appreciation for process over outcome, and the appreciation for doing our best, we find in the writings of psychologist and researcher Martin Seligman as well. In his book Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Seligman denies simplistic notions of happiness and suggests how people can flourish. Seligman names the key elements to flourish as ‘PERMA' P – positive emotion E – your engagement R – relationships M – meaning A – sense of accomplishment To flourish, you need to change how you behave in order to improve those key elements. You cannot flourish just by trying to think differently because positive thinking has to be accompanied by coherent behaviours, actions. Taking this one step further, there are also parallels with the Ten Keys to Happier Living that Action for Happiness synthesised from happiness research. Their GREAT DREAM constitutes of: Giving – do things for others Relating – connect with people Exercising – taking care of your body Appreciating – awareness of what you do and the world around you Trying Out – doing new things Direction – doing things towards a goal Resilience – bouncing back after something negative Emotion – being positive about what you do Acceptance - that we all have faults and that things go wrong Meaning – being part of something bigger So, when we do our best, both in keeping the four agreements and in the actions we take in the world, we can truly be happy. Living with the Four Agreements The Four Agreements seem simple but have a world of inner transformation, spiritual growth, and action-based happiness at their core. When we try to live with the Agreements and learn from the world of thoughts and philosophies connected with them, step-by-step we can create more loving, more compassionate, more connected lives. Ruiz’ message ultimately strongly resonates with the teachings by the Dalai Lama. As Ruiz states at the end of his book: “The world is very beautiful and very wonderful. Life can be easy when love is your way of life. You can be loving all the time. This is your choice. You may not have a reason to love, but you can love because to love makes you so happy. Love in action only produces happiness. Love will give you inner peace. It will change your perception of everything. […] Maybe we cannot escape from the destiny of the human, but we have a choice: to suffer our destiny or to enjoy our destiny. To suffer, or to love and be happy. To live in hell, or to live in heaven. My choice is to live in heaven. What is yours?” ● Main image: Colourbox.com Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

If you have trouble drifting off at night, these 14 sleep hacks from Dee Marques will help you on the way to the land of nod more easily. Tossing and turning will soon be a thing of the past... Sleep problems can be incredibly disruptive to daytime activities and have a negative impact on our health and happiness. But, fortunately, if you can't rest well on a regular basis, there are many sleep hacks you can put into practice to improve the quality of your rest time. Some sleep problems are typically associated with the aging process. Older adults often report that both the quality and quantity of their sleep is affected. They become more sensitive to their environment, are more likely to take medication that interferes with sleep, and more likely to experience other age-related conditions, such as producing less melatonin, the hormone responsible for regulating sleep. Other common problems include insomnia, multiple waking during the night, restless leg syndrome, and a reduction in the total number of sleep hours, as well as sleep apnea, whereby breathing gets blocked during sleep. 14 sleep hacks for a good night's rest Developing better sleep has a positive effect on our health, and scientific studies prove that some age-related conditions improve when we get enough restful sleep. Indeed, this is the case of inflammation, heart disease, and depression. There’s also a direct link between sleep and cognitive function, as older adults with sleep problems report poor memory, attention span issues, and higher stress levels. By contrast, good sleep brings benefits ranging from increased emotional well-being to better concentration, higher tolerance for pain, and a stronger immune system. So, if you can't sleep well, follow these 14 science-backed sleep hacks and learn how to fall asleep quicker today. 1. Bedtime ritual We're creatures of habit, and as we age, our threshold for changes in our daily routine becomes lower. Consistency in our bedtime routine helps set our brains in the right mood and sends the signal that it’s time to switch off for the day. Plus, an unwinding routine can help counter any triggers that cause us to stay awake, so do whatever helps your body and mind relax, whether it's listening to music, aromatherapy, writing in your journal, meditation or self-massage. Writing a journal is a ritual sleep hack shutterstock/WAYHOME studio 2. No electronics in the bedroom It's hard now so many of us are currently working from home, but our next sleep hack is to try not to use the bedroom as a second living room or office. Instead, keep it for the purpose for which it is intended: sleep! Indeed, studies have shown that exposure to blue light (light given off by electronic devices) interferes with our ability to get a good night's rest, so if you’ve grown used to reading on your e-reader, phone or tablet before bed, consider switching back to printed books. If you must use your electronic devices, change the brightness settings or use a blue-light blocking app. 3. Avoid other bright lights In addition to blue light, bright light from regular light bulbs can also disrupt sleep patterns. Studies have found that bright home lighting interferes with melatonin and disrupts the circadian rhythm (our internal body clocks), making our bodies believe that the day is still young and delaying sleep onset. So, for better rest, or next sleep solution is to use dimmers or avoid bright light for at least one hour before bedtime, although some researchers recommend a longer window of up to three hours. 4. Beware of caffeine Yep, this is one sleep hack we know you're already aware of. But caffeine is not only present in coffee or tea (including decaf varieties), but also in chocolate, energy bars, some soft and diet drinks and ice cream that contains chocolate or coffee. Stimulants cause an increase in blood pressure and stress hormones, which is not what you want right before going to bed. “If you can't rest well on a regular basis, there are many sleep hacks you can put into practice to improve the quality of your rest time.” It’s important to find out what your “cut-off” time for caffeine is. Be aware that it may change as you get older, as some studies report that caffeine sensitivity changes as we age. You should also take into account that caffeine interacts with certain medications that are usually prescribed to older adults. So, if you've recently started taking drugs to treat asthma or respiratory disease, antibiotics, estrogen, thyroid medication, or any drugs that slow down blood clotting, talk to your doctor about possible interactions. Watch yourself: find out what your cut off time for caffeine is shutterstock/Dragon Grkic 5. Eat a light dinner When planning your dinner, it’s best to avoid eating spicy, salty or oily foods. Also, try to reduce or avoid foods that contain starches and simple carbs, such as pasta or bread. These are hard to digest, can induce heartburn, and cause insulin levels to spike, meaning you may experience a sugar crash in the middle of the night. 6. Remove diuretics Keeping on the diet sleep hacks, be careful of consuming food and drink that might have you waking to head to the bathroom in the night. Tea and fruit juices are common diuretics (foods that makes us urinate), but you should also be aware of less obvious culprits such as celery, cucumber, watermelon, ginger, asparagus, lemon, beetroot, cabbage and pineapple. Plan your dinner so that there’s only a small amount of any foods that contain a high amount of water, which may wake you up in the night. 7. Increase activity levels Physical activity such as mindful running and swimming can help you fall asleep, as long as you find the right time to exercise. Indeed, working out right before bed may not be not be the ideal sleep hack since exercise increases the heart rate and releases stress hormones like adrenaline. Generally speaking, avoid exercising within three hours of bedtime. An afternoon jog can prepare you for rest shutterstock/Rido 8. The right temperature If you can't sleep well, it could be that your bedroom is too warm. Your sleeping space needs to be set up in a way that helps you unwind and fall asleep easily. One sleep hack is to pay special attention to temperature, because as we age, circulation to hands and feet lessens, and it’s easier to feel cold. A study found that having warm feet helped people fall asleep faster, so use an electric blanket, socks, or even a hot water bottle to warm up. And although everyone is different, research points at the ideal bedroom temperature is somewhere around 20°C. 9. Don’t postpone bedtime Most of us rely on an alarm clock to wake up, but setting an alarm to remind you it’s time to go to bed may be useful if you find yourself postponing your bedtime again and again. This sleeping hack will help you establish a routine and train your body and mind to go to bed at the same time every night. 10. Choose quality mattress and pillows The aging process changes our bodies, and having good support for the spine and neck becomes particularly important. If you have trouble falling asleep or wake up feeling tired and achey, it may be time to replace your mattress and pillows. Scientists found that a medium-firm mattress can help with back pain, which is common in older adults. And less pain equals better sleep. Choosing quality pillows is another sleep solution 11. Daytime naps Naps can help us feel more alert and rested, but try not to do so for more than 30 minutes, and do it at the same time every day (not in the evenings, however). In fact, naps should not replace lost sleep at night, otherwise you will be aggravating sleep problems and making it harder to get into a regular night-time sleep routine. MORE LIKE THIS: Cat naps – 5 health benefits of taking a siesta Deep sleep meditation – the benefits you can take to bed Feel stress-free fast – 11 science-backed techniques 12. Learn how to disconnect It’s easy to use the time we have before we fall asleep to go over our day in our heads, but this can easily turn into a formula for worry. Instead, stop ruminating and replace this habit with something that sets your mind on a positive note, such as writing a gratitude journal or meditating. “If you can't sleep well, it could be that your bedroom is too warm. Your sleeping space needs to be set up in a way that helps you unwind and fall asleep easily.” Also, choose your bedtime reading materials carefully, since anything intellectually demanding or even a highly-engaging thriller may cause your brain to go into alert mode. 13. Don’t toss and turn Being aware of the fact that 'sleep is not happening' may cause you to feel stressed and anxious, creating a catch-22 situation that will not help you get further shut-eye. If you can’t sleep, get out of bed and read, write, or do any other soothing activity that’s part of your night-time ritual until you feel sleepy again. 14. Vitamins and good sleep Our final sleep hack concerns vitamins. Vitamin deficiency is one of the causes of insomnia, since some B-group vitamins play a key role in the production of melatonin. But at the same time, taking certain vitamins right before going to bed can be counter-productive. A study from the USA revealed that vitamin users were more likely to wake up during the night, and while the exact link between vitamins and sleep quality isn't confirmed, you may want to choose another time to take vitamins and supplements to be on the safe side. Conclusions: sleep hacks and solutions Although the aging process can negatively affect our ability to get a restful night of sleep, you should remember that you’re not powerless. If you're tired (literally!) of asking yourself 'why can't I sleep?', following our 14 sleep hacks should increase your chances of enjoying better sleep and feeling more alert. This will help you to achieve greater happiness and a healthier lifestyle, irrespective of your age. ● Main image: shutterstock/Kamil Macniak happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Gratitude | Nature | Stress Management Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

If you're struggling to move forward and transform your life as you hope, these 11 practical life coaching tools and techniques from holistic life coach Rebecca Kirk can help. Incorporate these methods into your daily life to gain perspective and work more clearly towards your goals. Life coaching is about creating a transformation which brings life back into balance. Life coaches use a set of tools and techniques to pinpoint their client’s goals and to empower them to achieve those goals by providing direction, support and challenge. Life coaches work on the basis that the client has the answers within themselves. Whilst there is a huge benefit in working directly with a life coach to enable you to make a transformation, there are also many life coaching tools and techniques which you can use yourself, without guidance. By incorporating some of these methods into your daily life, you'll be taking significant steps towards achieving your dreams and desires. Life coaching techniques explored Here are 11 life coaching techniques and tools which I incorporate into my life coaching practice and recommend for you to try. 1. SMART goal setting Goal setting is a fundamental life coaching tool. As the well-known saying goes, “If you don’t know exactly where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?” Setting goals forces you to get really clear on what it is you want. And with clarity comes magic. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. Without those aspects, goals can be too lofty to be meaningful and they can easily drift into the future. SMART is the only acronym I have happily taken with me from my days in the corporate world – it just works! 2. Visualization Our minds are powerful beyond belief. Instead of focusing them on the things you don’t want, start to use your mind to imagine what you do want. This will help lift you out of your current reality. A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies – such as this University of Chicago one from 1996 – which prove visualization is an effective strategy, especially within the sporting arena. RELATED: Visualization meditation – how to practise it Think of yourself in a particular situation and imagine exactly the outcome you desire. For example, if you’re feeling some anxiety about giving a work presentation, imagine how you will feel before, during and after and taking positive feedback from your audience. Keep visualizing this until the day you actually have to give the presentation. Alternatively, you can also get creative by making a vision board which brings your goals to life and serves as a daily reminder of the transformation you want to make. Visualizing success can put you on the path to achieving it shutterstock/Triff 3. Taking a helicopter view It can be easy to get lost in the details of your current reality. This can also keep you stuck and create a low vibration. A really simple but effective life coaching technique is to imagine that you’re up high in a helicopter, looking down on your life. From this vantage point, very often it can help you see the bigger picture of why things might be challenging for you at the moment and how it could serve as a catalyst or a stepping stone towards a positive transformation. 4. Creating headspace The clarity that people seek to enable them to make a transformation is rarely found in a cluttered, over-busy mind. For clarity to emerge, your head needs space. As a holistic life coach, this method forms the basis for much of my approach. Space can be created in a number of ways, such as meditation, mindfulness or simply going for a walk in nature. I often recommend to clients that they give themselves permission to take a week off from thinking about or working towards their goal. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, it’s amazing what messages can come through! 5. Connecting with your intuition This is a big one. Very often, we look for answers outside of ourselves. We look for validation of our ideas, we look for others’ approval before making a change, and we look for total reassurance that we are making the right decision. This is one of the biggest causes of inertia. “A really powerful life coaching technique is visualization. There are many scientific studies which prove visualization as an effective strategy.” However, you have constant access to a ‘superpower’ to help you – your intuition (that inner knowing, that gentle nudge, that gut feeling). Encouraging clients to be guided by their heart first and then letting their head kick in is a life coaching technique I use with every client. As the Einstein quote says, “The intuitive mind is a faithful gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift”. Try connecting more with your intuitive mind first. 6. Journaling This life coaching tool is something I encourage with all my clients. Journaling is a way of emptying the mind of unhelpful or destructive thoughts. It’s a way of making sense of them so that they can be released to make room for more positive, empowering thoughts. It also gives you an outlet to explore any new ideas so they can start taking root. RELATED: Future self journaling Journaling can be done at a set time each day, perhaps for five or ten minutes before bed or first thing in the morning. Alternatively, keep the journal with you at all times and use it to capture thoughts, feelings and ideas as and when they arise. I recommend that you write freely, from the heart, and with no judgement about what comes out. Journaling is what I refer to as the closest thing to a therapist – in paper form! Journaling gets new ideas onto paper and out of your head 7. Shushing the ‘shoulds’ This one is not so much a life coaching tool as it is a mantra for living a more authentic life. When I was on a career break in Australia back in 2010, a yoga teacher shared this expression with me and it stuck. So often, we make choices based on what we feel we ‘should’ be doing, saying, thinking or feeling – according to our family, friends, employers or society at large. The next time the word ‘should’ comes into your head or out of your mouth, I recommend a little alarm bell ringing to remind you to check in with yourself. Is there a more authentic, aligned choice you could make? 8. Gratitude When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results. Nothing shifts your vibration quicker than the practice of gratitude. It can be done anytime and anywhere. And there is always something we can be grateful for, even if we want to change a situation. Very often, clients express to me how much they hate their job or employer. I recently asked a client what she might be grateful for about the job she was desperate to escape from. After the initial shock at my question had worn off, she cited earning money (enabling her to travel) and enjoying banter with colleagues. Your current challenge itself is something you could potentially show gratitude for, especially if you are able to view it as a catalyst for change. 9. Affirmations Affirmations are positive statements you repeat to yourself which enable you to overcome limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns. You are using affirmations all the time whether you realise it or not, with the things you say to yourself, often at a subconscious level. “When we focus on what we already have, we attract more of it. Gratitude is another simple life coaching tool which brings profound results.” This practice is about consciously choosing the things you say to yourself in support of the changes you wish to create. For example, if you had a limiting belief that you should always put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, you can turn that around into an affirmation which states, “I give myself permission to tend to my own needs”. RELATED: How to stop self-sabotage – 5 techniques to try 10. Calling on your inner mentor When clients are feeling stuck or lacking confidence, often they have a loud inner critic. If you also identify with that critical, negative voice in your head, the life coaching technique I recommend here is to access your inner mentor. Just imagine yourself in 30 years time and that you are looking at your current self from that new vantage point. What messages would you give your current self? Realise that this is not your older self but actually the wiser part of your current self – your inner mentor. Access your inner mentor whenever you doubt yourself or your inner critic is getting loud! 11. Anchoring This final life coaching tool comes from NLP and gives you a quick way to generate a more positive association with a particular topic or goal through the use of an external trigger. For instance, I had one client who was feeling very low and joyless and had lost his spark. I suggested he dug out an old photo of the last time he felt joyful and at peace. He found a photo of himself at the 2018 Winter Olympics and it reignited a feeling of passion and the possibility of reconnecting with his true self. What photo or object has a particularly positive association which could serve as an anchor for you? Takeaway: life coaching tools So, there we have it, a selection of life coaching tools and techniques which are easy to access, simple to use and bring about powerful results. Have a go at using one of them over the next seven days, beginning with the one you feel most drawn to and see what changes for you. • Main image: shutterstock/Rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Letting go | Motivation Written by Rebecca Kirk Rebecca Kirk is a holistic life and career coach. She helps people who are feeling stuck, out of balance or unfulfilled discover the clarity and belief to choose a path which brings them greater purpose, well-being and joy. She uses an approach which encompasses body, mind and spirit to create a deeper and more lasting transformation.

Gardening offers a huge range of mental health benefits, from reducing stress and depression to boosting your immune system. Dee Marques explores seven science-backed reasons to get busy in the garden and boost your well-being. When it comes to strengthening our mental health and finding happiness, common suggestions include taking up a creative hobby, meditation, physical activity, and building solid relationships with others. But did you know that getting green-fingered with gardening could also play an important role in achieving and maintaining happiness and mental well-being? Indeed, the mental health benefits of gardening are many. That could perhaps help explain why gardening seems to be the national pastime in many countries, such as in the UK. According to a recent survey, 80 per cent of British people believe gardening had a positive impact on their mental health, and that the benefits were even better than hitting the gym. Survey participants also said that gardening gave them a stronger sense of achievement than tasks like tidying up or cleaning. Furthermore, a research study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that gardening for as little as 10 minutes per week had a positive impact on health and reduced the risk of developing heart disease. When looking into these studies, what stands out is that we don’t need to spend endless hours in the garden, or even have a traditional garden at all to enjoy it mental health benefits. That's because gardening is within everyone’s reach; you can get started regardless of space or time limitations. For example, using a window box to grow herbs. But before we dig deeper, let's take a quick look at where the concept of gardening for mental health comes from. The healing power of gardening through history The connection between people, nature and mental well-being is rooted in history and goes back to ancient Egypt, where royals who felt mentally restless were encouraged to go for walks in their gardens. Eventually, gardening was tested as a clinical therapy during the 18th and 19th centuries. At around the same time, one of the founding fathers of modern psychology, Benjamin Rush, believed that getting hands-on (and hands dirty) in the garden had a healing effect on his patients. A few decades later, greenhouses and gardens were added to rehabilitation units of hospitals who treated world war veterans. RELATED: How Connecting With Nature Benefits Our Well-Being Fast forward to the present day, and the concept of therapeutic horticulture is practised all over the world. From Italy to Singapore, there are certified horticultural therapy gardens that bring the benefits of gardening for mental health to people of all ages and walks of life. Smells great, feels great! Gardening boosts your mental well-being shutterstock/Dean Drobot This renewed interest in gardening is also a result of changing demographics. The number of elderly people continues to grow in many countries of the Western world, and many have found that gardening is a way of offering support to the growing segment of this population. All this sounds really encouraging, but how exactly can gardening create a sense of happiness and well-being? The 7 mental health benefits of gardening It's clear that gardening for mental health is more than a passing trend. Getting busy with plants is like an escape valve from the pressures and stress of everyday life, but there are other important benefits you won’t want to miss out on. Here are seven ways in which gardening and horticulture therapy can help if you're feeling lonely, low in energy and motivation, or struggling with anxiety. 1. Stress relief One of the main benefits of gardening for mental health is its ability to relieve stress. Researchers saw this relaxing effect when investigating bathing in green or forest bathing, the Japanese concept of walking in forested areas. Gardening also provides a welcome break from our increasingly tech-dominated lives. A study found there were significant differences in mood when comparing participants’ response to two tasks: working on a computer and transplanting. “In a recent survey, 80 per cent of British people believe gardening had a positive impact on their mental health... the benefits were even better than the gym.” When participants were transplanting, they experienced lower stress levels than when they spent time in front of a computer. Researchers also noticed participants had lower blood pressure when transplanting, suggesting there’s a physical basis for the de-stressing effect of gardening. Additionally, research led by Vrije University Medical Centre in the Netherlands showed that simply looking at an image of a green landscape induced relaxation, in contrast to the constant demands for attention of urban landscapes. “Short durations of viewing green pictures may help people to recover from stress,” van den Berg told The New York Times. 2. Grounding and strengthen connections Gardening fosters a sense of grounding, as it helps us to reconnect with our roots as human beings. People who get involved in gardening often experience a deeper sense of belonging and connection with nature. This is no small feat: think about how disconnected the majority of people are from something as basic as the origin of the food they eat. By contrast, gardening grounds you in the value of growing your own food – even if you’re 'only' growing herbs. This sense of grounding also applies to the social sphere. Gardening can help strengthen your connection with others and offers an opportunity to meet people with the same interests. Visiting your nearest urban garden or allotment can connect you with like-minded folk. One benefit of gardening is reduced isolation shutterstock/Tania Kolinko 3. Staying present Staying in the present moment through mindfulness has a long list of benefits, such as reduced rumination and stress reduction. Gardening is a way of practising mindfulness as you need to concentrate on what you're doing. Furthermore, you can also take time to enjoy the beauty around you. Indeed, all tasks related to gardening (such as digging, pruning or weeding) force us to focus on the task in hand, and in doing so we’re more likely to stay in the present and put aside our worries, even if it’s only temporarily. 4. A sense of purpose Another benefit of gardening for mental health is that you can achieve a sense of worth and purpose. This happens when you get directly involved in something that is hands-on and you can see the end result of your effort. There’s a sense of pride and validation in choosing the plants, herbs and flowers that make you happy, and the pride you feel with nurturing them. In fact, studies show that gardening causes an increase in feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin, as helping plants grow stimulates our identity as nurturers. 5. Reduces the risk of Alzheimer's Gardening is related to better brain function and to improved concentration and memory. Some studies have found that it can even reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia. One long-term study from Australia followed nearly 3,000 older adults for over 15 years, tracking incidence of all types of dementia and assessing a variety of lifestyle factors. The researchers concluded that daily gardening was the single biggest risk reduction for dementia, reducing incidence by over a third – 36 per cent to be precise. “People who get involved in gardening often experience the mental health benefit of a deeper sense of belonging and connection with nature.” The factors that cause Alzheimer’s and its progression are poorly understood. However, as gardening involves so many of our critical functions, such as learning, strength, endurance, dexterity and problem solving, it could be this combination that contributes to warding off the illness in older adults. RELATED: How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia 6. Helps you to keep in shape Gardening involves a lot of physical exercise and so is a form of physical therapy. Weeding, digging, and carrying bags and pots around are all a good workout that can help you keep in shape. According to SAGA magazine, just half an hour of these fat-burning gardening activities can help shift a lot of calories: Digging and shovelling: 250 calories Mowing the lawn: 195 calories Weeding: 105 calories Raking: 100 calories What’s more, regular workouts can help you sleep better, and restful sleep is another essential element in achieving good health. Gardening creates a sense of purpose and achievement shutterstock/Alexander Raths 7. Strengthens your immune system You can strengthen your immune system simply by being exposed to natural light and Vitamin D while you’re gardening outdoors. In turn, this helps build resistance again chronic disease. Interestingly, it's also been suggested that the dirt you end up with under your fingernails may help to boost immunity. Mycobacterium vaccae, a so-called 'friendly' soil bacteria which is common in garden dirt, has been shown to alleviate symptoms of allergies, asthma and psoriasis, all of which can stem from a weakened immune system. In fact, Mycobacterium vaccae has also been shown to reduce depression, so don't be afraid to get your hands dirty: the bacteria can be absorbed by inhalation or ingested from your vegetables. Conclusion: gardening benefits our mental health These are only the proven benefits of gardening for mental health. In this post, we’ve seen that gardening is a natural anti-depressant that can have a powerful reset effect in our minds and bodies. Getting green-fingered is an accessible activity that requires minimal investment. If you have a balcony, a window sill, or even hanging space in your home, you can start gardening and experience a boost in happiness and well-being. It’s that simple! ● Main image: shutterstock/iko happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Organic food | Kitchen garden | Self care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

An often invisible illness, diagnosing quiet borderline personality disorder isn't easy. Luckily, the treatment for this condition can be, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains... I have known a few people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my life. I can say with certainty that they suffered — as did those close to them. However, thanks to the explosive nature of the disorder, however unpleasant it may be, BPD did not stay hidden. Some of them were diagnosed and received treatment. More importantly, they learned to understand the nature of their unpredictable emotions and reactions. I probably also know a few people with quiet borderline personality disorder (QBPD). Unfortunately, I cannot say that I know who they are. Are they aware that what they are going through is a disorder? Quite possibly not. Do their loved ones understand what is happening? They might not have a clue. That's because quiet borderline personality disorder is a difficult but often invisible ordeal. As this article will make clear, it bears the burden of the BPD. Still, it stays concealed — often even from the affected person themselves. Yet, the moment you understand QBPD and its manifestations, the path towards treatment opens. So, what is quiet borderline personality disorder? What is quiet borderline personality disorder and how is it diagnosed? Before we can hope to understand quiet borderline personality disorder, we need to grasp the concept of a personality disorder as such. Unlike some other mental disorders that come and go, personality disorders are usually enduring. One of the criteria for diagnosis states: “The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.” Personality disorders are pervasive, unchanging, and present at least from adolescence. They form an inner experience and behaviour pattern deviant from a person’s cultural norms. “A person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims hostility and anger at themselves. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others.” In other words, it seems to be the structure of the individual’s personality that is affected. A personality disorder is apparent throughout life and across different contexts. A person who is, for example, narcissistic will act that way at work, in love, with family and strangers. Those who know them will tell you that it is how they have been forever. What is borderline personality disorder? QBPD is a variation of BPD. Therefore, we need to be clear on what the disorder entails. Borderline personality disorder is a syndrome of disordered functioning in relationship to oneself and others. To meet the diagnostic criteria, the affected person has to manifest the following symptoms: Impairments in self-functioning. They can be unsure of who they are as a person. They might feel empty inside and succumb to excessive self-criticism. Sometimes, goals, aspirations and career plans are unstable. A person with BPD keeps changing their direction in life. Impairments in interpersonal functioning. They lack empathy or have severe problems in establishing meaningful close relationships. Being emotionally unstable, anxious, depressive, or fearing rejection and separation. Disinhibition, meaning that they are highly impulsive and often take excessive risks. Hostility, anger, and irritability. Subtypes of BPD The current classification of mental disorders does not divide the BPD into subtypes. Nonetheless, the official criteria could be combined differently. As a result, individuals with BPD are often very unalike. This is probably one of the reasons why borderline personality disorder has long been notoriously under-detected and misdiagnosed in clinical practice. Aiming hostility at oneself is a sign of QBPD shutterstock/airdone It is also why many popular psychology authors voiced their opinion about the subtypes of BPD. Some scholars and practitioners also argue that borderline personality disorder should be divided into three subtypes based on the dominant cognitive mechanisms in their foundations. A 2017 study determined three clusters of BPD patients with distinct profiles: Most patients were those with the “core BPD” features, that is, typical borderline personalities. A second “Extravert/externalising” subtype was characterised by high levels of histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial features. A third, smaller subtype had schizotypal and paranoid features — therefore, it is named “Schizotypal/paranoid”. Million and Davis have proposed, based on extensive professional expertise in the realm of personality disorders, that there are four subtypes of BPD: Discouraged or “quiet” borderline Impulsive borderline Petulant borderline Self-destructive borderline So, what are the symptoms of the quiet BPD subtype? Symptoms of QBPD Most professionals and laypeople would think of someone with BPD as an explosive, violent and hostile person. An unpredictable and impulsive human ticking bomb. However, it appears that there are those affected by the disorder whose suffering remains largely invisible. In quiet borderline personality disorder, all the symptoms of the BPD are directed inwards. According to Million and Davis, a person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims the borderline hostility and anger at oneself. They might act clingy and form codependent relationships. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others. However, they do not let it show. Their anger is more likely to be manifested as self-harm and suicide attempts than aggression towards others. Could you be living with QPBD? Here are some of the signs that suggest you could be living with quiet borderline personality disorder: You are very good at hiding your true emotions. You present a composed façade at all times. You might not even be able to recognise or describe your feelings correctly (alexithymia), so they fester inside. You are high-functioning and successful; a perfectionistic even. When emotional pain becomes too much to bear, you detach from the world and your inner experiences. You may feel like you were in a dream or a movie, unable to feel connected. You may be a people-pleaser. You need to be liked, and you yearn for appreciation from those you fall for. You experience bouts of anxiety at the slightest sign of disapproval. Your buttons are easily pushed around other people. You know that you are prone to feeling hurt, insulted or humiliated. To prevent it, you might prefer distancing yourself from others. You might be putting people into one of the two categories — they are either impeccable or atrocious. It is a mechanism called “splitting” or polarised thinking. You might be so profoundly afraid of being abandoned that you avoid getting close to others altogether. It protects you from hurt. You tend to feel irrational guilt and self-loathing. For this reason, you could be at risk of engaging in self-harming behaviour, including having suicidal thoughts. (If this is the case, please reach out to any local service or organisation that deals with mental health to help you get your way out of that dark path). Your priorities and interests change erratically. Your commitment changes on a day-to-day basis. Be it a project, a hobby, or a person, QBPD comes with a lack of consistency in dedication. You seem utterly devoted to something, only for it to fall into oblivion in the next moment. You crave control and order. Situations in which you do not know what to say or do make you feel uneasy. In effect, you are not living spontaneously. Where does the difference between the typical BPD and the quiet variant come from? One possible explanation is Lynch and colleagues’ work on undercontrol versus overcontrol in clinical settings. In short, the majority of those affected by BPD (the typical syndrome) are undercontrolled. They are impulsive, erratic and dysregulated. Nonetheless, some people are overcontrolled; meaning that they are reserved, hard to engage, seemingly emotionally flat. Yet, their inner world is as tempestuous as that of the undercontrolled individuals. Treatment for QBPD At this point, we return to the statement made in the introduction. Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help. They overcontrol. Why can't I make friends? How to help someone having a panic attack What is an introvert hangover? Nonetheless, even if it feels unnatural, if you recognise the symptoms mentioned above, it is vital for you to reach out. And if someone you know seems to be affected by QBPD, try pointing them out towards learning about the disorder and getting professional help to deal with it. “Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help.” Unfortunately, not enough is understood about QBPD to determine which psychotherapy modality would work best. The following approaches were scientifically explored and are used in clinical practice for the treatment of BPD. In addition to psychotherapy, medication is sometimes prescribed. 1. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) The basic principle of CBT is to work on modifying the thinking and behavioural patterns that are unhelpful and perpetuate the disorder. According to a systematic review of 45 studies, CBT is beneficial in treating personality disorders in general — and BPD in particular. The findings of another study confirmed that CBT could help decrease the symptoms, distress, anxiety, suicide ideation and dysfunctional beliefs typical of BPD. Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated 2. Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) DBT is one of the CBT modalities. It was developed specifically to treat BPD. In 2016 it was still the only empirically supported treatment for BPD. It targets the unstable sense of self, chaotic relationships, fear of abandonment, emotional lability and impulsivity (such as self-injurious behaviours). During the therapeutic process, the clients develop skills such as mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. 3. Radically Open Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (RO-DBT) The previous two modalities are implemented in treating BPD in general. The quiet variant could also benefit from them, given that the core issues are shared across the syndrome. However, RO-DBT was developed specifically for disorders of overcontrol. The authors designed it to address difficult-to-treat mental health conditions. And yes, QBPD is difficult to treat. The approach focuses on developing mental flexibility, openness, healthy emotional expression and social connectedness. Take control over your QBPD Living with a quiet borderline personality disorder is not an easy thing to do. BPD is known to cause severe problems in the person’s relationship with themselves and the world. When you keep all those BPD emotions and thoughts within, pushing through the day can sometimes feel like Sisyphus work. I will not pretend quiet borderline personality disorder will go away in the blink of an eye for the sake of pep talk. However, you can learn to develop a psychologically healthier way of being. Adequate support and treatment can teach you how to rebuild your view of the world. With a change in your mindset, you can nurture close relationships with others based on empathy and respect. Although every personality disorder is a persistent companion, it does not have to determine your future. All you need to do is take one simple step now. Open yourself up to a fuller and richer life. Reach out. • Main image: shutterstock/Olga W Boeva happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

From boosting your mood to lowering stress, the power of kindness is real. In fact, science shows the benefits of being kind are greater for the giver than the receiver. So, as Calvin Holbrook suggests, help others and help yourself, too. Can you remember the last time a stranger was kind to you? Maybe someone held a door open or offered you help with directions in the street? Or, perhaps you can recall the last time you helped somebody. After recently carrying out a few altruistic acts myself, I wanted to find out more about the power and benefits of kindness. Just before Christmas I passed a homeless man sitting outside a London Tube station. Coming out of a nearby coffee shop after paying almost £3 for a flat white, I couldn’t justify spending that on a hot drink while he was sat with nothing. I started a conversation to find out how he was doing and he was thankful when I offered him some change and a banana. However, he seemed most grateful when I simply asked him what his name was. When I got up to leave, he looked directly into my eyes and gave me a genuine ‘thank you.’ Later that week, I spotted an elderly lady hauling a huge suitcase down some stairs – she was clearly struggling. Her face lit up with joy when I offered a hand. She was clearly touched someone had made the effort to assist, and I too walked away with a spring in my step and smile on my face. The power of kindness: a ripple effect In these examples the power of kindness is obvious for the recipient: they were in a moment of need and received assistance. But the power of altruism also extended to me – in fact, one major benefit of kindness is that the love spreads both ways; it’s a win-win situation. A positive sign: showing kindness is easy and free After connecting with these people I felt a sense of happiness and pride to know I'd made a small but meaningful impact on their day. In fact, this feel-good sensation stayed with me for hours afterwards. Experiencing this feeling has also made it more likely that I'll carry out more random acts of kindness in the future. Likewise, I like to think that the power of kindness can potentially rub off on the people you'll help out in the future, so that they, in turn, will be more likely to assist others. In fact, it turns out that science backs up this kindness 'ripple effect'. “The power of kindness can potentially rub off on other people you'll help out in the future, so that they, in turn, will be more likely to assist other.” A 2018 study focused on employees at a Spanish company. Workers were asked to either a) perform acts of kindness for colleagues, or b) count the number of kind acts they received from coworkers. The results showed that those who received acts of kindness became happier, demonstrating the value of benevolence for the receiver. However, those who delivered the acts of kindness benefited even more than the receivers. That’s because not only did they show a similar trend towards increased happiness, but they also had an boost in life and job satisfaction, as well as a decrease in depression. Furthermore, the effects of altruism were contagious. Those colleagues on the receiving end of the acts of kindness ended up spontaneously paying it forward, themselves doing nice things for other colleagues. This study suggests the ripple effect really is one of the benefits of being nice. Kindness and psychological flourishing Further studies back up the power of kindness. In another, researchers asked members of the public to either perform acts of kindness – such as opening doors for strangers – for one month, or to perform kind acts for themselves, such as treating themselves to a new purchase. The researchers measured the participants’ level of so-called ‘psychological flourishing’ – their emotional, psychological, and social well-being at the start and end of the experiment. By the end, those who had carried out kind acts for others had higher levels of psychological flourishing compared to those who acted kindly towards themselves. Kindly acts also led to higher levels of positive emotions. MORE LIKE THIS: Why is volunteering important? These 7 reasons show the benefits Kindness: a peak inside the power of this simple action Human kindness: why we need it more than ever Meanwhile, another study incorporated cold hard cash to test the powers of altruism. Researchers gave participants either $5 or $20 which they had to spend on themselves or others before the end of the day. They measured the participants’ happiness levels before giving them the money and then called them on the phone in the evening. The results? Those who had spent the money on others were happier than those who'd used the money for their own needs. The physical effects of kindness So, science shows that being kind and helpful clearly has a positive and uplifting effect on those carrying out the act. But what exactly is happening in the body? Here are four ways keys in which the physical benefits of kindness can be felt: 1. Kindness releases feel-good hormones When you do kinds acts for other people, so-called happiness hormones are released, boosting your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of well-being and satisfaction. Endorphin levels also rise, leading to a phenomenon known as a 'helper’s high'. 2. Kindness can reduce anxiety Another physical benefit of kindness is that it can help to lower anxiety. Social anxiety is associated with low positive affect (PA), which relates to an individual’s experience of positive moods such as joy, interest, and alertness. A four-week study on happiness from the University of British Columbia found that participants who engaged in kind acts displayed major increases in their PA levels that were maintained during the study duration. Good to give: kindness benefits both the giver and receiver 3. Kindness may help alleviate certain illness Inflammation in the body is linked to numerous health problems including chronic pain, diabetes, obesity, and migraines. For older generations at least, volunteering as an act of kindness may be of benefit to reduce inflammation. In fact, according to one study of older adults aged 57-85, “volunteering manifested the strongest association with lower levels of inflammation.” Additionally, oxytocin, also released with acts of kindness, reduces inflammation, and it can directly affect the chemical balance of your heart. According to Dr. David Hamilton, “oxytocin causes the release of a chemical called nitric oxide in blood vessels, which dilates the blood vessels. This reduces blood pressure and therefore oxytocin is known as a ‘cardioprotective’ hormone because it protects the heart (by lowering blood pressure).” 4. Kindness can reduce your stress levels Helping others takes you out of your own mind and can potentially help to build relationships with other people. Anything that helps you to build bonds with other people is known as 'affiliative behavior'. And, according to one study on the effects of pro-social behavior — action intended to help others on stress, “affiliative behavior may be an important component of coping with stress and indicate that engaging in pro-social behavior might be an effective strategy for reducing the impact of stress on emotional functioning.” “Science and studies show that being kind and helpful clearly has a positive and uplifting effect on those carrying out the act.” Furthermore, once we establish an 'affiliative connection' with someone — a relationship of friendship, love, or other positive bonding — we feel emotions that can boost our immune system. So, it seems continued altruism can boost your happiness and improve relationships and connections, in turn indirectly boosting your health. Shifting to kindness So, knowing this, why aren't people benefiting from the power of kindness? Why aren’t more people making a conscious effort to change the lives of others? For one, in our fast-paced world, benevolence and compassion often end up taking a back seat to self-interest – and selfies. People don’t seem to take the time to stop and help others or even notice what’s going on as we're often wrapped up in our own lives. Helping hand: the power of kindness is proven Also, some people believe that showing kindness and compassion is a weakness and will only lead to being taken advantage of. But, the truth is, it’s in our human DNA to show kindness. In fact, we’re the only mammals with an extended gestation period, and while other animals rely on support for a short period before becoming self-reliant, we depend on the care of our caregivers to provide our needs. Indeed, kindness is fundamental to the human existence – we're literally wired for it. Kindness is not something that demands hard work or huge amounts of time. It’s something all of us can strive to achieve every day. And, knowing that the power of kindness and its benefits are immense for ourselves and not just the receiver, why wouldn’t you want to help others more? ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Gratitude | Acceptance | Altruism | Volunteering Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin is the happiness.com magazine editor, as well being an artist and lover of swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

The ringing in the ears associated with tinnitus can dramatically impact on a person's quality of life. However, as Calvin Holbrook suggests, there are many ways you can cope with tinnitus. Here are ten practical ideas based on his own experience. Writing this now, with my Spotify Peaceful Piano Playlist gently playing soothing background music, I can still hear a high-pitched hissing noise in both of my ears. It's there all of the time; never goes away. Usually, it's a single, constant whirring noise. At other times it changes pitch or other sounds pop in and fade out again. And while the ringing in my ears often varies, currently my ability to cope with tinnitus largely remains unchanged. But it wasn't always like this. Rewind one year ago and things were very different. I'd had temporary bursts over tinnitus over the past decade: I'd suddenly hear high-pitched noises but they would then fade down to zero again within a few seconds. However, one day, that familiarly shrill noise came in but didn't stop: I was now living with chronic tinnitus and would (probably) have to learn how to cope with it for the rest of my life. I can clearly still recall the fresh hell of developing chronic tinnitus after a period of extended stress: the realization it will probably never go away; trying everything to drown out the sound; the sleepless nights, trying (yet failing) to focus on work. Unfortunately, in addition to developing tinnitus I also experienced hyperacusis, a condition in which your ears become super sensitive to sound. Listening to someone handle cutlery or plates was enough to send me over the edge. When tinnitus first becomes chronic, your brain immediately switches into alarm mode, imaging the internal noise as harmful or dangerous. Furthermore, focusing on anything else apart from the ringing seems like an impossible task. Like me, you may experience panic, anxiety, depression and anger as you try to cope with tinnitus symptoms. You may think to yourself: ’why me?’ And you will probably ask yourself many other questions about your tinnitus too: ‘Will it ever stop?’ ‘Will it get louder?’ ‘Am I going deaf?’ ‘Am I stuck with this for the rest of my life?’ Tinnitus: things will get better While it all feels pretty dark in the beginning, I'm here to tell you that there is hope on the horizon and that living with tinnitus is possible. Indeed, if you've recently been struck down with tinnitus and are struggling to cope, please be assured: you should see improvements with time and start to feel better mentally about it. However, if you're currently feeling like it’s an emergency or having dark/suicidal thoughts, please seek help ASAP from your healthcare provider. You can learn techniques to help you cope with tinnitus The hyper-alert state you experience with tinnitus can last many weeks or months. However, day by day your brain begins to get used to the strange new sounds you're hearing and will gradually begin to get used to them. This process is called 'habituation' and just knowing that it will happen naturally can help you to learn to deal with your tinnitus. Indeed, I – and millions others across the world – are proof of that. A year after being diagnosed with chronic tinnitus I am coping with it much better. Of course, like everyone else I have good and bad days (so-called tinnitus 'spikes' – increases or drastic changes in pitch/loudness – can be a challenge), but my condition currently doesn’t impact on my happiness to a great extent. Coping with tinnitus: 10 techniques It's important to point out that the internal sounds those of us living with tinnitus experience are all different. Although the level of my ringing is bothersome, it is not unbearable. This may change in the future. I've read stories of people that experience ringing at extremely high sound levels: that, of course, must make the condition more challenging and impact on a person's ability to cope with tinnitus. However, whatever type of tinnitus you are experiencing, there are many practical steps you can take to cope with tinnitus and make it less intrusive in your life. Here are 10 tips to get you started. 1. Accept it The first step in coping with tinnitus lies in acceptance of the condition. However, this is often easier said than done in the beginning. As much as you may want to fight against the ringing in your ears – especially during those first traumatic weeks or months – doing so will only lead to disappointment and frustration. While some people experience temporary tinnitus because of trauma to the head or an ear infection, those of us with chronic tinnitus are usually stuck with the noises for life (saying that, there have been cases where people's tinnitus appears to have vanished). Accepting your condition is essential for you to be able to deal with tinnitus. Essentially, you first need to know if your tinnitus is temporary or chronic and if you have any hearing damage. Visit a high street ophthalmologist or ask your GP to refer you to an ear, nose and throat (ENT) specialist. 2. Relaxation The anxiety you feel when first getting tinnitus is to be expected but it will only make you feel more stressed, and, in turn, exacerbate tinnitus. Indeed, it's believed that stress really impacts on tinnitus, so it’s important that you reduce any stressors in your life to keep tinnitus levels in check. In fact, many people living with tinnitus use their condition as a barometer of their stress levels – if their tinnitus appears to be worsening, it’s a signal something in their life is out of balance. “Many people coping with tinnitus use it as a barometer of stress – if their tinnitus appears to be worsening, it’s a signal something is out of balance.” Relaxation is obviously a key way to combat stress and therefore improve how you deal with tinnitus. Practising meditation and conscious breathing exercises are practical and simple tools you can use to immediately reduce anxiety and stress. Incorporate both into your daily routine to feel the benefits. Also, be sure to spend as much time in nature as possible. As well as the relaxation and proven mental health benefits of forest bathing, the sounds of nature help to soothe that pesky tinnitus ringing. The crashing of waves; the rustling of branches and leaves, bird song – the many noises of nature offer your ears and brain a calming distraction. Sea sounds help to mask tinnitus noise shutterstock/Monkey Business Images 3. Practising mindfulness Making mindfulness a part of your daily routine is one of the best things you can do when it comes to coping with tinnitus. Mindfulness won't make tinnitus go away, but it aims to make it less intrusive. Indeed, mindfulness teaches us how to live with difficulties such as tinnitus, without having to fight or change them. Practising mindfulness can help us help us to develop a better relationship with our tinnitus, aiding the habituation process. RELATED: Mindful behaviour – 13 practical mindfulness tools In 2017 the British Tinnitus Assoctiation published two research papers that showed that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is an effective treatment for those people living with distressing tinnitus. The results showed that tinnitus patients undergoing MBCT were associated with significant, reliable and ongoing improvements in their tinnitus-related and emotional distress. Luckily, mindfulness is something we can all practise by ourselves and for free. It involves paying complete and mindful attention to whatever we're doing in the moment: breathing, eating, showering, walking or noticing the physical sensations in our body, for example. We have some great mindfulness tips you can incorporate into your daily routine to help you to become less focused on your tinnitus. 4. Finding your flow Personally, experiencing ‘flow’ is the most efficient way to cope with my own tinnitus. 'Flow' is that state in which you are so totally absorbed and engaged in an activity that you enjoy that time seems to stand still. For example, I find my flow when I'm making an artwork or editing an article. RELATED: Flow state and happiness Sometimes my attention is so focused in the state of flow that it can seem like my tinnitus has stopped (for a while at least!). Flow is really an act of mindfulness, and as outlined above, mindfulness is one of the scientifically-proven best ways to deal with tinnitus. 5. Staying busy Finding your flow is one of the best ways to deal with your tinnitus as it helps to shift your awareness to something other than the internal noises you are dealing with. Similarly, I find that staying busy – in a non-stressful way of course – keeps my focus off of my tinnitus so it’s easier to cope with. Sitting around in silence is when tinnitus may start to bother you the most, so staying active and on-the-go helps to keep it stop dominating your mind. 6. Exercising with yoga OK, we all know the drill about exercise: it boosts your physical and mental health, helping to lift depression and anxiety (which you could be more vulnerable to if you are living with tinnitus). Exercise also combats against stress which, as explained above, is a major influencing factor when it comes to tinnitus levels. Yoga, in particular, is an exercise that has been found to help people cope better with tinnitus. A small 2018 study from Mersin University in Turkey indicated that practising yoga may reduce life stress and symptoms of tinnitus. Researchers followed 12 participants who practised guided yoga over three months involving poses, breathing exercises and meditations. The researchers hypothesized that because tinnitus symptoms are often linked to stress, and because yoga is stress-relieving, yoga may help decrease symptoms for patients living with chronic tinnitus. “Good sleep is essential when it comes to coping with tinnitus. Our bodies need sleep to heal and recover. When I have a bad night’s rest my tinnitus always seems louder the following day.” Elsewhere, Polish researchers conducted a similar study in 2019. It followed 25 patients with chronic tinnitus through 12 weeks of yoga training. The researchers identified that participants benefitted most from improved sense of control over tinnitus, lessened intrusiveness, improved quality of life and better sleep. The last point of improved sleep is important (as we shall see next). Importantly, whatever exercise you choose to do, working out will help to tire your body and lead to an increased chance of falling asleep quickly. Yoga is a perfect way to shift awareness shutterstock/Ulza 7. Prioritising good sleep Good sleep is essential when it comes to coping with tinnitus. Our bodies need sleep to heal and recover. When I have a bad night’s rest, my tinnitus always seems louder the following day. However – as you will no doubt know – sometimes falling asleep can be difficult for those of us with chronic tinnitus. That’s because tinnitus appears to sound worse at night – there are fewer external noises to mask the internal sounds, so we may have 'external' silence but have to put up with our 'internal' noises. RELATED: 14 sleep hacks to get a good night's rest One thing I love to do to help shift awareness from my tinnitus when going to bed is follow a body scan meditation script. Gradually tensing and releasing different body parts and feeling the sensations it brings directs your thoughts away from your tinnitus and to those other places in your body. You can also find ways to externally ‘mask’ your tinnitus sounds at night to help you drift off more easily. In my first few months of living with chronic tinnitus, I used mobile apps such as the excellent T-Minus to play 'white noise' such as rain sound, which works wonders balancing out my high-pitched tinnitus. There are also plenty of great YouTube videos of rain sounds that you can play in the background while you're in bed. 8. Exploring masking Sound-masking devices such as the apps mentioned above provide an external noise that partially drowns out the internal ringing of tinnitus. As well as using apps you can also try: having calming piano music on in the background leaving a fan or the TV on opening a window to let in some external noise Furthermore, if you have hearing loss in addition to tinnitus, there are now hearing aids with inbuilt white noise generators which help many with the condition cope with tinnitus symptoms. Whatever masking method you choose, always set the volume of the device a notch lower than the perceived sound of your tinnitus – you don’t want to drown out the sound completely or you may find it harder to habituate. 9. Talking to someone It’s important to remember that you don’t have to cope with tinnitus alone. As the number of people who live with persistent tinnitus is thought to be around 13 per cent, there’s a chance someone in your close circle is going through the same thing. Open up to family members and friends, or put your thoughts out on social media if you feel comfortable sharing your tinnitus story – you may be surprised by the responses. However, friends and family may not be able to support you unless they have experienced tinnitus themselves, so they may not realise how distressing tinnitus can be (or even know what it is). If this is the case, do connect with someone who has dealt with tinnitus themselves in order to get the help you need. In the UK there are tinnitus support groups up and down the country where you can meet in person to discuss living well with tinnitus. “Tinnitus can dramatically impact on your quality of life and can be hard to adapt to. However, as with everything in life, we can choose how we react to it.” The internet is also full of tinnitus support groups and forums such as the excellent TinnitusTalk forum which is full of useful and insightful threads. However, do so with caution! Be careful when browsing for tinnitus help online as you will come across many dubious ads for methods or items claiming to stop or cure tinnitus. Unfortunately there is no cure for tinnitus, so please don't waste your money. Finally, if you prefer a friendly voice in real time, the British Tinnitus Association offers a confidential tinnitus helpline. You can call its team for support. 10. Exploring your tinnitus This final suggestion may seem like the last thing you want to do, but it actually brings us right back to the first tinnitus coping tip of 'acceptance'. Depending on your personal tinnitus noise level, you may find it beneficial to employ some mindfulness techniques and simply sit with your tinnitus for a while. Try to listen to it with curiosity and without judgement. Take some time to observe your tinnitus and ask yourself some questions about it. Does your tinnitus noise level stay the same or does it get louder or quieter? Does it stay at the same pitch or do you hear new sounds come in and out? Does it sound the same in your left and right side? If you feel comfortable and ready for this type of exercise, you can even sit and meditate on your tinnitus, bringing all your attention to the sounds and your breathing. Exploring your tinnitus in this way may seem difficult if you've bee recently diagnosed with the condition, but realizing that tinnitus is just 'there' and cannot harm you can help you to cope with its day-to-day symptoms. The takeaway: dealing with tinnitus Tinnitus can dramatically impact on your quality of life and can be hard to adapt to. However, as with everything in life, we can choose how we react to it. If we fight against our tinnitus, we are more likely to struggle. But, if we learn to accept it and live with it, habituation to tinnitus can become easier. Whatever type of sounds you experience – hissing, whistling, humming or buzzing – by following the ten tips above, coping with tinnitus should become easier. Hopefully, as is the case with myself, tinnitus will just become another part of your life, and not a dominating factor. • Main image: shutterstock/aleks333 happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our Academy Resilience | Gratitude | Self-care Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, makes gay artwork and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

For many of us, once the festive holiday season is over the January blues start to set in. But there are ways you can fight back and feel better. Dee Marques shares seven ideas on beating those blues – from holiday planning and embracing winter activities to finding new hobbies. The January blues and new year period can be particularly tough on our mental health and lead to feelings of depression. After the excesses typical of the festive season, going back to the usual daily routine can be overwhelming. Personally, I've always thought about this time of the year as an expanded version of the Monday blues – something many of us go through on a weekly basis! Furthermore, during the new year, most of us also tend to take stock of our lives. This sometimes means realising that things haven't turned out as we expected or hoped. Perhaps we look back on past resolutions to find out that we weren’t able to maintain them, or we’re saddened by memories of people who are no longer with us. We've all had a few couple of years due to the pandemic, and this challenging period is likely to continue, perhaps intensifying the January blues. Also, a season of treats, big dinners and high alcohol consumption usually means we end up with a few extra inches or pounds and a negative body image. And having friends or relatives visiting can be lovely but it can also drain our energy and lead to confrontations or fall-outs. Added to that, intense gift-buying sessions may have left us with an empty bank account. In fact, research shows that the January blues and new year depression are a very real thing. Suicides peak on New Year’s day, considered the deadliest 24 hours of the year. Also, there are links between low morale at this time of the year and an increased number of extramarital affairs. In fact, 65 per cent of all relationship break-ups happen in January. How to find meaning in life: 7 strategies The 4 signs that distinguish feeling blue from depression 8 powerful suicide prevention quotes New year depression is so prevalent that it's led to the term Blue Monday being coined. This refers to the most depressing day of the year, and it’s calculated using a formula that takes into account three things: the weather, motivation levels and debt. 7 strategies to beating the January blues In 2023, Blue Monday will fall on 16th January. So, in preparation for this dreaded day and the month beyond, here are seven scientifically-proven ideas on how to beat those January blues. 1. Embrace winter activities Physical activity is a great mood booster that is proven to help fend off depression. And although exercising is probably the last thing you feel like doing at this time of the year, the benefits are so worth it that once you get going, you’ll want to keep going! Snow limits: wrap-up and embrace a winter walk shutterstock/Nik Hoberg Indeed, recent studies claim that both short sessions of high-intensity exercise or longer sessions of low-intensity activity are effective at keeping the blues at bay. And the season itself offers opportunities to try something new, whether it's snow sports like skiing, going for countryside or coastal walk in nature, or ice skating. The strong-willed among you may even want to consider a dose of winter wild swimming! But there are still options if you don’t feel like braving the cold: saunas, steam baths and hot yoga are all excellent for well-being and beating the misery January brings. 2. Take a trip Going on a trip is scientifically-proven to improve your mood and help you beat the January blues and new year depression, especially if it’s somewhere sunny. That's because our bodies create Vitamin D from sunlight, and this vitamin is directly linked to our mood. You don’t need to go on a long trip – even a weekend getaway can make a difference. “Going on a trip is scientifically-proven to improve your mood and help you beat the January blues, especially if it's somewhere sunny.” But what if your finances are tight after the holiday season? Fear not. Interestingly, the simple fact of just planning or researching a trip can improve your mood. Studies have found that pre-trip happiness acts as a mood booster, as it fills us with anticipation of good things to come. So, even though many of us may not be able to travel to sunny climes to avoid the January blues right now, we can at least get on the net and start researching where we want to go next. 3. Skip resolutions and take up a new hobby New Year resolutions can be a double-edged sword: on the one hand, they can motivate us, but since only 8 per cent of people follow them through, failing to achieve them can make us feel inadequate. To take the pressure off and still work towards something meaningful, why not take up a new hobby for one month only? The idea is to find something that inspires you and gets you through January. If you find yourself really enjoying it, you can then continue it for the rest of the year. 4. Warm up Never underestimate the healing effect of warmth, especially during the coldest months of the year. In fact, our bodies are meant to be comforted by warmth – this is why we seek the sun or find so much pleasure in our favourite cup of tea, coffee or chocolate. A hot choc can help beat the January blues shutterstock/igorstevanovic If you’re feeling down with the January blues, take your time to enjoy a long soak in a warm, relaxing bath (even better if you add some warming essential oils like rosemary, ginger or cardamom). According to researchers, even just touching something warm can give us a little happiness boost. 5. Find something fun to do with friends January’s bleak weather and lack of funds can make it very tempting to stay home and veg out all day. But instead of giving in to staying in, it’s worth finding ways of staying active and sociable. For example, collective plans or resolutions can help you stay accountable and motivated, making you more resilient to New Year depression. “Why not take up a new hobby for one month only? The idea is to find something that inspires you and gets you through the January blues. If you find yourself really enjoy it you can carry it on for the rest of the year.” And there are tons of activities you can enjoy with others without spending a lot of money. For example, you could gather at a friend’s home and learn a new dance using YouTube videos, organize healthy and budget-friendly cooking competitions, have a wardrobe clear out and swap session, or even have a go at geocaching. 6. Eat well When it comes to our diet, Christmas and New Year are usually synonymous with excess. Some of us love to indulge in mince pies, Christmas pudding, and other high-carb and high-sugar treats, but overeating these foods can lead to low energy and a dark mood typical of the January blues. To counter this, include nourishing good mood foods in every meal, especially those rich in omega-3 oils, which according to some studies can help fight pessimism and sadness. 7. Check for SAD If you're really struggling to keep a positive mindset or if your health is negatively affected every time January arrives, you may be suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). This condition affects 10 million people in the US and 1 in 3 in the UK. The symptoms include irritability, tearfulness, low self-esteem, high stress, lethargy, and a loss of interest in things that we’d normally find enjoyable. It’s important to speak to your doctor if you suspect you may have SAD, since in some people this can evolve into depressive symptoms. You should know that treatment is available and you don’t need to let this type of January blues or depression take over. Your doctor may recommend Vitamin D supplements, using a light therapy box, going for walks whenever there’s sunlight, or in some cases, medication. Conclusion: you can beat the January blues This winter, don’t let the January blues spoil your mood and well-being. Use the suggestions above to prevent the symptoms from developing, and if you find yourself struggling despite your best efforts, seek help. You’re not alone and every step you take to beat the winter blues will be a worthwhile investment in your overall physical and mental health. ● Main image: shutterstock/Marjan Apostolovic Do you struggle with the January blues? If so, head over to our forum on depression. What do you to fight back against depressive symptoms over winter? Share your ideas below! happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Resilience | Self-care | Goal setting | Anxiety Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

What is gratitude meditation and how do you practise it? Sonia Vadlamani answers these questions plus explains five great benefits it brings. Plus, discover three great gratitude meditation YouTube videos to get you started. Do you want to reap more from your life – whether in the form of happiness, enriched relationships, enhanced sense of well-being or increased efficiency? Do you wish to amplify your existence and make life more meaningful, instead of feeling like you barely exist amidst the chaos of daily life? Gratitude meditation can help you achieve these things, and it's also one of the simplest meditation types you can practise. What is gratitude? Derived from the Latin word gratus, gratitude is the ability to feel thankful and show appreciation for all things good in your life. Have you ever observed how you feel a spur-of-the-moment gratefulness when someone does something kind for you, or surprised you with a lovely gesture or gift? The emotion you felt was that of gratitude, and studies show that practising thankfulness every day can help change your life for the better. In fact, scientific studies have found that gratitude can be the ‘social glue’ that promotes positive outlook, strengthens relationships, and help us to become better, happier human beings. What is gratitude meditation exactly? Gratitude meditation, as indicated by the name, is a kind of meditation centered on feeling grateful. While there are many other styles of meditations out there, gratitude meditation is one of the easiest you can practice anywhere, even in the midst of a hectic work schedule. What's more, it's also one of the most rewarding styles of meditation. JOIN US! Discover more about meditation at happiness.com. Belong to a community that cares Gratitude meditation focuses on bearing in mind various things you're thankful for in life and letting that feeling of appreciation take a stronghold inside yourself. For example, it could be appreciating family members who are always there for you, friends who always cheer you up, or colleagues who share the workload with you so you don’t have to do overtime. Great to be grateful: gratitude meditation has many benefits Additionally, you don't always have to meditate on a noticeable act – gratitude meditation also enables you to take pleasure in the simple things in life you're grateful for like the ability to see, hear, taste and walk, or something as intangible as the important lesson you learnt from a difficult phase you were going through at some point in your life. The origins of gratitude meditation Research suggests that the foundations of gratitude were inspired from religion. Mindfulness and meditation expert Jack Kornfield is quoted as saying: “Buddhist monks begin their day with chants of gratitude for their blessed lives. Meanwhile, Martin Luther described gratitude as the “basic Christian attitude”. Indeed, millions of Christians celebrate Thanksgiving every year to count their blessings and express their appreciation for all they have. “Gratitude meditation also enables you to take pleasure in the simple things in life, like the ability to see, hear, taste and walk.” Meanwhile, Hinduism advocates that “one with an attitude of gratitude is closest to achieving Moksh, or freedom from karmic life-cycles,”, states Uma Mysorekar, M.D. Do you have to be religious to practice gratitude? Of course not. Experts agree that gratitude is not limited to religious pursuits – you can be thankful for the gifts of life without being religious. Benefits of gratitude meditation There are many advantages to incorporating a gratitude meditation practice into your life. Here are five of the most important: 1. Greater sense of happiness Studies have shown that practising gratitude can consistently and effectively make you happier. Counting your blessings can make you feel more optimistic and help you develop and maintain a positive attitude throughout the day. Indeed, a study revealed that gratitude could be the most-needed positive intervention that can prevent depressive thoughts and help individuals lead a happier, content life. 2. Improved mental health Could you ever have guessed that gratitude meditation can also rewire your brain to be better equipped to deal with adversity or difficult phases of life? Practising gratitude meditation sensitizes the brain towards helpful acts and appreciable things in life, thus enabling us to break free from the endless loop of worries, rumination, fears and insecurities. 3. Stronger personal relationships Practising gratitude meditation has even been show to protect marriage and strengthen friendships. Expressing your thanks for friends, colleagues and spouse can make them feel appreciated and valued, reinforcing your bond with them and preventing miscommunication or conflict. 4. Better physical health Feeling grateful for good things in your life can make a difference in your outlook towards life, enabling you to feel better, live to the fullest and even sleep better. Indeed, grateful people are more likely to experience heightened state of mind, eat healthily, exercise more often and live longer. 5. Increased social circle Ever noticed how some people make friends effortlessly and instantly? Grateful individuals can trust more easily, express their appreciation in more straightforward fashion, and make friends with strangers with better ease. A 2014 study from the University of New South Wales (UNSW) Australia was the first to show that for thanking a new acquaintance for their help meant they were more likely to seek an ongoing social relationship with you. “Saying thank you provides a valuable signal that you're someone with whom a high quality relationship could be formed,” said UNSW psychologist Dr Lisa Williams, who co-conducted the research. Gratitude meditation: how to do it Great news: kickstarting a gratitude meditation routine is simple! All you need is a quiet corner and minimal time (10-20 minutes on average, depending on the technique you choose). “Gratitude meditation is one of the easiest you can practice anywhere, even in the midst of a hectic work schedule.” You could even start small, and simply be thankful for the basic amenities and privileges you have in life. Several experts (and even celebrities like Oprah) suggest that maintaining a gratitude journal to jot down all the things, actions, people etc you’re grateful for, can transform your outlook towards life tremendously. Here are three YouTube videos to inspire you to get your gratitude meditation routine up and running: The Mindful Movement: 10-Minute Morning Meditation for Gratitude This meditation can form a part of your morning ritual, preparing you to start the day on a more positive note. Ever feel trampled under the weight of senseless material pursuits, or dissatisfied by what you have achieved so far? Practising gratitude daily using this technique will open your eyes to the fact that what you have is enough, and that you are perfect. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Mary Kate: Gratitude Meditation To Shift Your Reality Using the powerful tool of Law of Attraction, this gratitude meditation technique shows you how to attract miracles in your life. Appreciating the smallest gestures and acts of kindness and being thankful for everything you have will help you manifest happiness and abundance every single day. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Dan Lok: 15-Minute Guided Gratitude Meditation for Abundance & Miracles Renowned business magnate and educator Dan Lok shows how to energize your day and attract abundance by being grateful for everything you have using a simple yet effective visualization technique. You begin by relaxing and asking yourself what and who all you're grateful for, and if there are things you're taking for granted. This meditation is very easy, and helps you develop more compassion, empathy and appreciation for everything good. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Round-up: gratitude meditation In conclusion, the benefits of gratitude meditation are many. Gratitude is not only a humble acknowledgment of how blessed our life is, but also a doorway for attracting abundance, happiness and prosperity our way. What's more, incorporating gratitude into our daily lives is very easy and hardly requires any additional effort. Are you getting started today? ● Main image: shutterstock/ WAYHOME Studio Liked this? Then check out Top 5 benefits of gratitude practice happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mental health | Compassion | Empathy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you're struggling to live in the present moment, these ten mindfulness quotes from spiritual leaders will inspire you to stay grounded. Recall them when you need to be more mindful. By Calvin Holbrook. Over the past few years, the message about the power of mindfulness has boomed, and for good reason. By practising mindfulness you can be more aware and receptive to how you’re feeling and the reality that surrounds you. Staying mindful is a way of finding pleasure and fulfillment in everyday things and this can make a considerable contribution to your overall happiness. Indeed, by practising mindfulness we can improve our patience levels and also positively change our relationships with loved ones, leading to greater kindness, compassion and understanding. In simple terms, mindfulness is being aware of what is happening to you and around you right now without wishing it were different – even when it seems trivial or negative. Mindfulness also means accepting your life and not being critical or judgmental. In essence, practising mindfulness is simple and straightforward, but it may take time to develop the skills. Having inspiration in the form of mindfulness quotes can help you see the benefits of the practice and give you the power to keep going. The quotes below come from many experts in the field of mindfulness and meditation. Thinking more deeply about the meanings of these quotes will inspire you to practise mindful behavior each and every day. With time, you – and those around you – will really feel the benefits. Mindfulness quotes Recall these ten mindfulness quotes to inspire you and ground you when life is taking you out of the present moment. Focus and bring your mind back to the now. 1. “Wherever you are, be there totally.” Eckhart Tolle German-born Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and author and one of the most-quoted people when it comes to mindfulness. This quote sums up the essence of mindfulness: being completely in the moment of where you are. Firstly, it works in a mental or emotional setting: whatever your mood or feeling, acknowledge it and accept that that’s how it is at the moment. Don’t force changes (it will pass eventually). • JOIN US! Sign-up to get support from our caring community • This mindfulness quote also applies to your physical location or situation too. For example, you may be unhappy with your living situation at the moment, but simply accepting your situation and not judging it can help. Everything will change. Likewise, in a more positive sense, if you’re enjoying a walk by the seaside or practising some forest bathing, really be there: soak up the sights, sounds and smells of everything around you. Give life your undivided attention. 2. “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Jon Kabat-Zinn This mindfulness quote from Jon Kabat-Zinn has to be one of our most-loved – and most repeated! Kabat-Zinn is widely recognized as being the father of mindfulness in the Western world. He's also the creator of the original Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course. This well-known quote from him sums up how to deal with life’s ups and downs rather nicely. The waves represent life’s many – and unstoppable – changes and challenges. When faced with choppy seas, instead of drowning in them we can get on our surfboard and learn to deal with them by riding the waves. We will probably fall off our surfboard many times, but we can jump back on, and with practice, we can learn how to navigate life's ever-changing waters better. 3. “Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.” Mother Theresa This mindfulness quote from nun and missionary Mother Teresa teaches us to enjoy the moment and not to want more than what we have. Sometimes it can be hard to fully embrace the now and stop worrying about the future, but this quote reminds us that we should try to live simply and in the present. It also reminds us that we should practise gratitude for what we have, however little. By always being more grateful in life, we can become less self-centred and materialistic, and overall become happier with our lives. 4. “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” Thích Nhất Hạnh One of the most influential figures in the fields of mindfulness, meditation and Buddhism, the wisdom of Thích Nhất Hạnh has provided countless quotes on mindfulness, but this is one of my favourites. This quote is all about remaining centred and focusing on our breath through meditation, despite any changes or upsets in our mind. By bringing your attention to your breath, you can calm a busy or troubled mind and bring about an equilibrium. 5. “The real question is not whether life exists after death. The real question is whether you are alive before death.” Osho Indian mystic Osho was a controversial character, but there’s nothing debatable about this mindfulness quote: we agree 100 per cent! So many of us are rushing through life, doing the things we have to do: the treadmill of work, paying the bills, taking care of the family, etc. But in doing so, we often don’t stop to take in the world around us fully. Being mindful means consciously being aware, stopping to appreciate every moment of life, instead of living it at breakneck speed. “Having some inspiration in the form of mindfulness quotes can help you see the benefits of the practice and give you the power to keep going.” Likewise, this mindfulness quote is also a reminder to ask yourself if you are really living your true, authentic life. Are you doing the things which make you happy in life or are you just a slave to the wage? Are you using all your skills and being the best person that you can be? Using mindfulness can be a great tool to be still and evaluate if you are really alive before death! 6. “Look past your thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of This Moment.” Rumi Rumi was a Persian poet born in 1207. Books of his poetry have sold millions of copies in recent years, making him one of the most popular poets in the United States. Pretty good going for someone that lived 800 years ago! This mindfulness quote from Rumi shows why his sayings are so popular. Incredibly, experts estimate that the average mind thinks between 60,000 – 80,000 thoughts a day. Some of those thoughts include minor things like what we are thinking to eat for breakfast, but other, deeper thoughts can fly through our minds all day, such as negative thoughts about the past (rumination) and worries for the future. The problem is, when we are focusing on our thoughts, we are missing what is happening in our lives right now. Here and now. In this very moment. Calming the chatter – the monkey mind – through mindfulness can help you to stop overthinking and live in the present moment, helping you to enjoy life and be happier. 7. “We have only now, only this single eternal moment opening and unfolding before us, day and night.” Jack Kornfield This quote from Jack Kornfield – teacher, writer, and one of the leading proponents of Buddhism in the Western world – encapsulates one of the key elements of mindfulness: living in the present moment. The past is the past; we cannot change it, we can only learn from our mistakes and try to move forward. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • Likewise, we can try and plan for the future to some degree, but life has the habit of throwing things up in the air to disrupt those plans! Indeed, what we truly only really have is this moment we are living now, and because of that, we should focus on that and make the most of it. 8. “The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.” Tara Brach This mindfulness quote from respected teacher and author Tara Brach is essentially saying the same thing. We must learn to appreciate that our time on Earth is limited and we should make the most of every minute. This quote also hints at the power of gratitude, suggesting we should be grateful for the gift of life and all the wonder it brings. When problems and thoughts start to cloud your mood and mind, remember this mindfulness quote and try to bring yourself back to the idea of appreciating every moment of our existence. 9. “Paradise is not a place; it's a state of consciousness.” Sri Chinmoy All too often we are searching for our own idea of Paradise: be that in the form of our dream home, an exotic holiday or the perfect relationship. And while, of course, it’s great to have dreams to aspire to, we mustn’t neglect the idea that we can be happy with what we already have. Indeed, it’s our mental attitude that can be a source of peace and contentment. If we achieve a peaceful, conscious mind, free from conflict, it can bring us great joy. Practicing mindfulness can help us achieve this state of being. This quote from Indian spiritual leader Sri Chinmoy reminds us that happiness is a journey, not a destination. 10. “Mindfulness isn’t difficult, we just need to remember to do it.” Sharon Salzberg Best-selling author Sharon Salzberg has written many meditation and mindfulness books and has been teaching meditation since 1974. So, she’s pretty well placed to be able to talk about the difficulty – or ease – of practising mindfulness. Indeed, Salzberg's quote is spot-on. Practising mindfulness in itself is not difficult as it’s simply a way of being that doesn’t require any more of our time. However, training our brains to remember to stay mindful at all times can be more of a challenge, especially if mindful behavior is new to us. However, we can change our behavior gradually, and this mindfulness quote is a reminder of that. ● Which of these mindfulness quotes do you live your life by? Do you have any others you would like to share? Let us know in the comments below. Want to discuss mindfulness with like-minded people? Head over to our forum. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Learning | Self care | Meditation Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, as well being an artist and travel lover. He also enjoys hiking, nature, swimming, yoga, sweaty dancing, and all things vintage!

Shadow work involves examining our personality flaws in an attempt to understand ourselves better. It's tough work but hugely beneficial. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares 31 shadow work prompts you can ask yourself to get started with the practice. The Shadow is the part of ourselves, according to K. G. Jung, that represents our dark side. It holds all the morally reprehensible tendencies we wish we did not have. However, it also hides many of our qualities, capacities and potential. Shadow work means increasing awareness of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Moreover, it requires you to become brutally honest with yourself and not criticize or condemn. You will need to practise self-compassion and learn to own your weaknesses, not project them onto others. Therefore, even though it may sound simple at first, shadow work is a quite psychologically challenging journey. For this reason, we may need some shadow work prompts to help us out on this road. This article will explain why you need them and what you get from shadow work prompts. We will talk about how to use these shadow work prompts and offer a few possibilities you might want to pick from when embarking on your psychological journey to self-awareness. Why do we need shadow work prompts? First, let us be clear on why we need to travel to the dark caves of our subconsciousness and search for the monsters there in the first place. Since you are reading this, I will assume you do have a desire to understand yourself better. You want to be a complete person. And to be one, you need to embrace all of your sides — the good and the bad. In Jung’s words, we may not become enlightened by imagining figures of light. We become enlightened by making the darkness conscious. “Shadow work prompts will give your search for self-awareness some structure. They will lead you through the thick underbrush of your mind.” And precisely here lies the reason why we need shadow work prompts. Our subconsciousness is uncharted territory for us. Scientific research demonstrated that our unconscious mind guides our perceptions, evaluation, and motivation. Even though others may notice the Bad and the Ugly in our actions, as a rule, we remain ignorant of what we hid from our consciousness. So, you need guidance on the path of personal investigation. Shadow work prompts will give your search for self-awareness some structure. They will lead you through the thick underbrush of your mind. How to use these shadow work prompts Shadow work is as distinctive as every individual. That is, there are no absolute rules you need to follow. It is your personal journey. You will do best if you follow the unique guides that appear on this path. Nonetheless, you should consider a few valuable tips for using shadow work prompts. First, take it slow. Shadow work prompts will take you into rather heavy topics. Remember, the Shadow is the side of yourself you are not keen on. So, to avoid ruminating for hours about what you discover about yourself, think about writing or meditating about one shadow work prompt at a time. Explore shadow work prompts with journaling At the same time, make shadow work a regular practice. Similarly to psychotherapy, this form of self-exploration requires commitment. Indeed, research shows that regularity is a necessary element of therapeutic growth. You may want to come up with a centring ritual as a beginning of your shadow work for the day. It can be anything from taking a walk, meditating, doing yoga, having a quiet cup of tea, or lighting a candle and saying an affirmation. Finally, trust your psyche to take you where you need to go. Shadow work prompts are likely to take you places you have tried to avoid for your entire life. Still, remember — to be whole, you need to recognise and accept every corner of your psychological existence. So, let the thoughts and words come to you. Write or think freely, without censorship. Things to hold onto while reflecting Shadow work prompts will trigger an avalanche of insights that most likely will not feel comfortable. Even though you might have been preparing for this, you may learn that you possess the traits you despise the most in others. Such knowledge could shake your self-image, at least at the beginning of the process. Because shadow work is supposed to take you on a path of psychological growth (and not be an arena for self-loathing), remember to lean into these three core principles: • Self-compassion Be kind to yourself. What you are really learning is that you are a human, nothing more. No one person is perfect. Embrace the fact that you have flaws, and applaud your courage to look them square in the eye. • Passive observation Do not judge what you are learning about yourself. Simply recognize the thoughts and insights that are coming to you after you employ the shadow work prompts below. You are here to explore, not to moralise. It is precisely your attempt to comply with cultural, social and moral norms that caused the creation of the Shadow. • Honest reflection/documentation All the work you are about to do is not worth the time if you are not honest. Indeed, make sure you are completely honest. It will be a bit ugly at times. But the only way to make shadow work truly worthwhile is if you are frank with yourself. Answering shadow work prompts will reveal the devil inside shutterstock/ra2 studio 31 shadow work prompts At this point, decide if you are going to journal (which I recommend) or merely reflect on these shadow work prompts. Pick the time and the settings in which you will commit to shadow work. “Shadow work prompts will trigger an avalanche of insights that most likely will not feel comfortable. Even though you might have been preparing for this, you may learn that you possess the traits you despise the most in others.” When you're ready, go ahead and delve into these shadow work prompts. Also, feel free to journal in freestyle whenever you feel like it. These prompts are meant to trigger your reflection and help you notice the areas in which the “monsters under your bed” might be hiding. So, a river of thoughts and associations may follow. Note down whatever you notice and let the process of self-discovery evolve on its own terms. Family and childhood shadow work prompts How are you similar to your mother, father and family members/caregivers? How does this make you feel? How did your caregivers comfort you when you were upset as a child? Do you do something similar when you or someone close to you is upset? What irritates you the most about your mother/father? Do you manifest the same trait, and when? Remember an event from your childhood that made you feel insecure, unloved or scared. In which situations do you feel similar, now as an adult? What is your most traumatic experience from childhood? How has this experience affected your actions and perceptions as an adult? Romantic relationships shadow work prompts Do you have patterns in your romantic relationships? Are/were you in a relationship that seemed familiar to that between your parents? Which of your father’s/mother’s traits do you expect from your romantic partners? Do you behave like your mother/father in romantic relationships? What do you not forgive in romance? Why? How do you behave when there is a conflict in your romantic relationship? Friendship and social relationships shadow work prompts What is your best friend like? Why did you pick them to be your best friend? What irritates you about others the most? What do others say about you that is not flattering? How much truth there is in that? In which situations are you misunderstood/disregarded/ignored? What valuable traits do others have, and you do not? What emotions are you afraid to show to others? Who do you hate to disappoint? Why? Self-image and behaviours shadow work prompts When did you not act like yourself? What made you act that way? When were you most embarrassed about yourself? Why? When were you in denial? What was the biggest lie you ever told? Why? What triggers you to act aggressively, to act out, to become disproportionally sad, to act impulsively? Do you feel like an imposter? In which situations? What is the worst thing you have done? Why? How do you feel about it now? When are you most envious? Why? Takeaway: freedom through self-acceptance Let me return to Jung’s quote at this point. In Modern Man in Search of a Soul, he wrote: “How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole.” Shadow work prompts are there to take you to the place of wholeness and freedom. They may not be pleasant to go over. Still, know that no alive person is immaculate. Remember the other quote from Jung? To paraphrase — you will not become enlightened by ignoring the darkness. You need to bring the hidden monsters to light. Only then can you address what you do not like about yourself. Only then can you make choices to do better or to change. Freedom will come with the acceptance of who you are as a whole person. Learn the good, the bad and the ugly truths about yourself. Accept them and be free to be whoever you now choose to be. • Main image: shutterstock/Juice Flair happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Coaching | Self-help | Kindness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Holidays aren't always a time of cheer: especially if you've lost a loved one and are grieving. Paula Stephens knows this feeling all too well. Here she shares 10 practical tips for coping with holiday grief. I lost my Dad on Christmas Eve when I was just 16. The next year my Mom, Grandma and I took our holiday grief on vacation and found ourselves on a beach in Hawaii for the entire festive season. It was a great way to break with the traditions and memories none of us wanted to face. My most vivid memory of that Hawaiian vacation was sitting next to an older gentleman at dinner on Christmas Eve and noticing he was wearing the exact same sweater my Dad would’ve been wearing. Well, this brought my grief right back up to the surface and I left the dinner to go down to the beach and cry. 10 tips for coping with holiday grief Needless to say, it’s been a long time since I felt untarnished joy and happiness during the holiday season. But, I believe that we are deserving of joy during the holidays, even if it comes balanced with the heartache and longing for the person we love and are missing deeply. In my book, From Grief to Growth, I talk about an essential element of healing that is learning to hold both joy and sadness in the same moment. There is no more challenging time to do this than during the holidays. This is why I've put together these ten easy-to-follow tips that will support you as you navigate coping during the holiday season. I don’t like to say ‘survive the holidays,’ because I want to encourage you to have the mindset that you're always fully capable of more than survival. These are simple, practical tips that don’t require a lot on your part, but are focused to help you the most this time of year. 1. List the events you're most worried about Often, much of our holiday grief comes from not knowing what’s going to happen or how traditions and events are going to feel differently after the loss of a loved one. So, take some quiet time to think through what specific traditions you're most concerned about. The best way to do this is to find some time to sit quietly and connect with your breath. Once you’ve centered yourself, ask yourself the question: “What events or traditions are creating the most anxiety for me right now?” Your inner knowing has the answer. You might immediately be pulled to an event or activity. Notice how your body feels, the sensations and energy around the activity. Coping with loss during the holidays is a challenge shutterstock/Zivica Kerkez If nothing comes up immediately then begin to bring your thoughts to various holiday activities. Check in with each one – tree decorating, cookie exchange, for example. How does each one feel; what comes up? You might find some are more emotionally charged than others. 2. Consider which events/traditions you want to keep Be open to the idea that some traditions you will want to wrap in love and keep, while others will need to be shelved for a while (and maybe for ever). Recognize the traditions you keep will never be the same, but keeping them honors the love you feel for the person you lost. Every year will be a little bit different, and what feels right this year might not feel the same in the coming years. Grief is a process and you must be willing to evolve with it. Always be open to what will help you move forward in your grief… and sometimes we need to go backwards to go forward! Get out your list from tip one. Now, let’s take the next steps: • Which events do you want to keep this year? • Which events are too painful this year or don’t feel right? • What or how can you modify an event? If you're undecided on some, come back to your list again later or sit with the idea of doing that event and see what comes up. I know we can’t always control everything about the holiday seasons with family being involved, etc, but don’t worry. 3. Brainstorm how you want to honor your loved one Even if you decide to escape the entire holiday season and fly away to Hawaii for the holidays (been there, done that!), it’s important that you take time to honor your loved one. It could be with a donation of time or money, or by creating a sacred space or a new tradition. No matter what you decide, be mindful about setting time aside to actively honor your loss. What would you like to do this year to include your loved one in the holiday season? What do you need to do to make this come to fruition? 4. Let the tears flow Quite simply, cry. Don’t be the tough guy or girl who pretends it’s all good – because it's probably not. You’re going through a season or anniversary without someone who was a very important part of your life and coping with holiday grief is part of that. By yourself or with your besties, it doesn’t matter, just let it happen. "Much of our holiday grief comes from not knowing what’s going to happen or how traditions and events are going to feel differently after the loss of a loved one.” Another way to look at this is: are you checking in with yourself to know what’s going on emotionally and physically? Are you filling your days with busy activity to disconnect from the emotional heartache you would feel if you had a moment of downtime? Or, perhaps, you're withdrawing from friends, family and social activities. There isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with holiday grief, but we need to be aware of our tendencies to protect ourselves or how we might fall into negative coping strategies. Sometimes a good cry is a better reset than the work we put into avoiding our reality. So, if you need a good cry, have one. 5.Tell friends and family how you're feeling Family and friends might not know exactly which activities you’ll struggle with: what might be hard and/or memorable to them might not be the same for you. Generally speaking, they will want to support you, especially with managing your grief during the holiday season. But, you're the only one who knows what you need and how you're feeling, so don’t make it harder for them by expecting them to guess what this is like for you. Tree of knowledge: dealing with holiday grief We all experience grief differently, so share your fears, concerns and desires. Express what’s important to you or how you would like to handle a specific event. It doesn’t mean you'll always get what you want or need, but it means that you have given voice to your grief and honored your process. 6. Prioritize your self-care There's no more important time to focus your energy on self-care than during the holidays. Lack of sleep, poor food choices, increased alcohol consumption, decreased exercise and increased stress all add up to a massive grief hangover! The 8 types of grief explained 7 healing quotes on grief to inspire How to help a grieving friend Your emotional self is already on overdrive and this will leave your immune system susceptible to illness and your physical body exhausted. Make hydration, sleep, whole foods, stress management and exercise a priority leading up to and including any seasonal events. Care for yourself by: eating a healthy breakfast, drinking more water, going to bed 30 minutes early, journaling, being outside, connecting with nature, and skipping that second (or third) drink at a party! 7. Manage your energy This is a continuation of the last tip. Even if you are taking care of yourself, notice when your tank is getting close to empty. This is especially important if you're the type of person who likes to stay busy to keep their mind off things. Exhaustion (physical and emotional) is often the root cause of emotional meltdowns. And, as you know, grieving is emotional exhausting by itself, then you add the emotional stress of the holidays and your tank is already half empty! So, remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ to events, or change your ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ at the last minute if you notice you're not feeling up to the task. List three ways you know you’re getting low on energy (ie, irritable, fatigue, craving sugar/caffeine). Now list three ways you can fill your tank (ie: nap, take a bath, journal, read a book). 8. Prioritize work/social events The holidays are an especially busy time of year for extra parties and events – work, neighborhood and family are examples. Take time to choose only one or two events that are important for you to attend. These might be required for your job or things you just simply don’t want to miss. Be mindful about your selection and take your time to RSVP. For social events that you might have attended with your loved one, ask yourself if you're ready for that situation. Imagine yourself in that environment. Who will be at the event? What will it be like to attend? “We are deserving of joy during the holidays, even if it comes balanced with the heartache and longing for the person we love and are missing deeply.” Then, have an exit strategy! If it’s required that you attend, or you feel like you ‘should’ go, make sure you have a plan for getting out if things get too difficult. This might be driving a separate car or letting the host know you will be not be staying long. 9. Build time in for you As you're planning your social events, make sure you put ‘me time' on the calendar. Whether that's to get out into nature and hike, get a massage, read a book, take a bath, it doesn’t matter – just build in time to recharge your batteries. This could also include making time to be with close friends or family that help you feel connected and loved. Be sure to reach out to these people and let them know you might need some support during the holiday season. Write a list of the people you can connect with and/or activities that soothe your soul. And, again, since people aren’t mind readers, let people know you're taking care of yourself by scheduling time to reflect and recharge. 10. Give back One of the most amazing ways to cope with your grief during an anniversary or holiday season is to make it a little better for someone else. Unfortunately, there's so much suffering around the holidays – in this we are not alone. Donate to a charity in your loved one’s name. Give your time to helping others. Buy a gift for someone in a hospital or nursing home. Pay for the person behind you at Starbucks. Volunteer your time. The options for random acts of kindness are endless. Honestly, nothing soothes and heals our own wounds more than helping someone else. How can you help someone else feel comforted this holiday season? Giving doesn’t have to be financial – you can give of your time, you can donate clothes or other items you no longer use. I hope my tips will hope you manage and cope with grief this holiday season and that you enjoy this time. You deserve it! ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ read our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Friendship | Mindfulness | Vulnerability | Burnout Written by Paula Stephens Paula Stephens, M.A. is the founder of Crazy Good Grief, an organization that teaches positive growth and resilience after the loss of a loved one. Her work is inspired by the personal loss of her oldest son who passed away unexpectedly while home on leave from the Army. Paula is a speaker, yogi and life coach. She's also the author of From Grief to Growth: 5 Essential Elements to Give your Grief Purpose and Grow from Your Experience. Paula is a practicing Buddhist and recently became the first Buddhist Chaplain to work at the county jail where she lives. She is the mother of four boys and lives in Littleton, Colorado.

Is it possible to relieve stress, improve heart health and reap other benefits just by regulating our breath? Sonia Vadlamani explains how conscious breathing can contribute towards better mental and physical health, and how to practise it from the comfort of your home. Breath is vital for life. We’re always breathing, yet it’s something that most of us are barely aware of. However, our natural breathing rhythms can have a substantial impact on how both our body and mind function. Research shows that our breathing patterns change according to the emotions or thoughts we’re experiencing. For example, we tend to draw slow, deeper breaths when we’re happy, resulting in the release of happiness hormones. In contrast, we take sharp, shallow breaths when we’re angry or stressed, activating the stress receptors in the amygdala region in the brain. Indeed, in the current climate of a global pandemic, living with stress and anxiety has become increasingly commonplace, and hence keeping a periodic check on stress levels and devising effective stress management methods is more crucial than ever. Conscious breathing can help to reduce stress shutterstock/UfaBizPhoto What is conscious breathing? As the name suggests, conscious breathing involves bringing awareness towards your breath and then altering it deliberately to achieve a desired outcome. Also known as controlled breathing, conscious breathing can help us recognize our response towards stressors and emotions, enabling us to manage our stress in a better manner, thus preventing conditions like burnout, anxiety and depression. There is ample research that establishes a strong connection between our breathing patterns, pace of breathing and our corresponding thoughts, emotions and behavior. This makes conscious breathing massively effective – modifying the pace of our breathing can slow down our heart rate, modulate stress triggers and enable us to think more rationally. “Conscious breathing can help us recognize our response towards stressors and emotions, enabling us to manage our stress in a better manner.” While conscious breathing may sound like a modern-era invention, recommendations for breath modulation techniques for better health date back to first millennium B.C. Ancient religions like Hinduism and Taoism have advocated breath as an ‘essential life-force’ in the form of prana and qi respectively. Interestingly, yogic practices like pranayama or ‘breath-retention’ utilize controlled breathing techniques for enhancing concentration and vitality. RELATED: Tummo breathing and meditation – a guide Breathing is “meditation for people who can’t meditate”, states Dr Belisa Vranich, the author of the best-selling book Breathe. Indeed, most relaxation therapies and stress-relief techniques utilize breathwork as their anchor, as breathing is the common factor involved in these methods for calming the body and the mind. A simple way to practise conscious breathing Conscious breathing is simple to practise and doesn’t require any specialized equipment. What's more, it can be practised by children and adults alike, from the comfort of their home. However, it’s essential to set aside some time to truly be able to reap the benefits. Here’s a simple mindful breathing practice you can follow with ease: Start by getting into the right posture – seated or lying down – keeping your spine in a neutral position. Place one or both hands on your belly. Inhale slowly and feel the sense of expansion as your breath reaches where your hand is. Hold your breath to a count of 3. You can adjust this duration as per your comfort. Exhale slowly as you feel the belly muscles underneath your hands relaxing. Observe your breath pattern for at least 4 - 10 minutes. During this practice, be sure to engage in diaphragmatic breathing. This involves inhaling deeply as you expand the belly, and then exhaling slowly as you contract the diaphragm and allow the belly to deflate. You can combine conscious breathing with a form of meditation or even restorative yoga to increase its effectiveness. Merging conscious breathing with mindfulness meditation can boost memory power as well. The benefits of conscious breathing Here are some ways in which conscious breathing can improve your quality of life and help you sustain better well-being: 1. Relaxes the nervous system When confronted with danger, our nervous system or sympathetic drive generates a ‘fight-or-flight’ response which can potentially help us rise to face a challenge. However, sometimes the smallest and everyday woes like a traffic jam and impending deadlines begin invoking this involuntary stress response on a continued basis. This can result in immune system suppression or even conditions like depression and anxiety, owing to the excessive stress build-up. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • Resetting our breathing pattern can calm down the nervous system, preventing a perennial sympathetic overdrive condition. Conscious breathing allows activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, or the ‘rest-and-digest’ signal, which enables us to function in a relaxed state. 2. Creates energy boost Conscious breathing involves taking deep, slow breaths as you engage your abdominal muscles and diaphragm, instead of stressing the shoulder and neck areas as most of us are usually habituated to. Engaging respiratory muscles in this manner enables better oxygen supply for the tissues and cells in the body. This increased oxygen reach can make us feel more energized, focused, and can even boost productivity. 3. Helps you focus Sometimes it’s difficult to concentrate on the task at hand or meditate properly because of our inability to focus. Indeed, billboards, constantly buzzing phones and other technological inventions contend for our attention all the time, making it more difficult to be able to concentrate on a single thought or task. Breathing consciously boosts focus and attention Conscious breathing requires us to focus on our breathing pattern, which can help us calm our senses and organize our thought patterns in a productive manner. A 2017 breathing intervention study from Beijing Normal University that involved 40 individuals found that diaphragmatic breathing could enhance sustained attention, in addition to a dip in cortisol (the body's main stress hormone). 4. Relieves muscle tension We tend to hold our breath or draw irregular breaths when we’re tensed or are faced with stress stimuli, which allows our sympathetic nervous drive to kick in. While this response to stress can be helpful in the short-term, drawing shallower and faster breaths can easily become a habitual trait, which may involuntarily result in constant muscle tension, especially in the neck and upper back areas. A 2018 study from Thailand's Khon Kaen University involving female subjects with neck tension and pain complaints found that deep and slow breathing practices reduce muscle tension, pain alleviation, and improved heartrate variability, even in the short run. Progressive muscle relaxation is another therapeutic method prescribed for relieving muscle tension and averting anxiety, with the help of conscious breathing techniques. 5. Enhances emotional wellbeing “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor,” advocated Thích Nhat Hanh, the world-renowned spiritual teacher and mindfulness expert. By calming down our nervous system, conscious breathing offers clarity in thought and enables us to be mindful of our feelings. “There is ample research that establishes a strong connection between our breathing patterns, pace of breathing and our corresponding thoughts, emotions, and behavior.” The idea here is not to eradicate the unpleasant emotional states entirely, but to gradually learn to be aware of them and experience them with self-compassion. This process allows us to respond to our emotions in a productive and helpful manner, thus potentially preventing the tendency to ruminate and improving our emotional wellbeing. 6. Regulates blood pressure Taking a deep breath could help reduce stress and prevent your blood pressure from spiking. Indeed, research suggests that controlled breathing can improve one’s ‘baroreflex sensitivity’, thus regulating blood pressure and preventing hypertension. Conscious breathing can be utilized as a therapeutic approach for boosting heart health and improving vigor. 7. Enables better decision-making Research shows that taking deep and controlled breaths can accelerate vagal nerve activity, thereby improving heart rate variability and lowering stress levels, in addition to aiding better decision-making ability. Indeed, Navy SEALs and chess champions have relied on conscious breathing techniques like ‘box breathing’ to be able to make sound decisions when under stress. RELATED: Uncovering the healing power of the breath In a collaborative study from 2019, researchers from Belgium, France and the Seychelles asked management students to follow the ‘5-2-7 pattern breathing technique’. This method entails inhalation for the count of 5, holding the breath for 2 counts and exhalation for 7 counts. The students carried out the breathing exercise before answering a series of questions in a decision-making test. In addition to facilitating better decision-making, the researchers found that conscious breathing also prevented post-performance stress among the students. 8. Lowers stress and anxiety Research points out that our degree of ‘alertness’, or how ‘awake’ we are, determines the course of action we choose when we are under psychological pressure or in a potentially stressful situation. While being ‘optimally alert’ can improve our mental performance, thus boosting our decision-making ability, alertness beyond the critical point can trigger stress, ultimately hampering performance under duress. Interestingly, conscious breathing tends to modify one’s arousal levels to the ‘optimal or conditioned level’ required for enhanced mental performance, while controlling any further rise in arousal levels, thus keeping stress and anxiety at bay. Round up: conscious breathing In conclusion, the advice to slow down your breath and pay attention to the same is not just a generic suggestion or mere commonsense, but a statement that holds merit. Taking deep, diaphragmatic breaths and focusing on the pace of our breath can impact our body and mind in a positive manner. Acknowledging the power of conscious breathing can be empowering, as it can enable us to draw from our innate wisdom and make headway towards a positive transformation. • Main image: shutterstock/AKSAMIT happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Stress management | Motivation | Burnout Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

When a friend is grieving, it's not always easy to know what to say or do to try and help them. Paula Stephens shares seven suggestions on how you can support a friend who is experiencing grief by showing compassion and kindness. Few things make us feel more helpless than watching someone we love and care about suffer. When my son Brandon died, I remember my best friend coming into my bedroom, where I was curled up on the bed, and just sitting there for a long time. When I peeked out from the bedsheets, I saw in her face how helpless she felt. Her hands were shaking, and I could see she wanted to say or do something, but at the same time, she had no idea how to help her grieving friend. And, to be honest, as the months into my grief journey unfolded, my friend and I struggled. She didn’t know how to support or comfort me, and I was often an angry, grieving mess of a person. Weeks after my son died, my friend went on a holiday for some R&R: I was furious with her! I felt so betrayed that her life was going on and I felt stuck in a swamp of messy grief. It wasn’t easy, but I can say that she and I are now closer than we’ve ever been and she really did rise to the occasion and was able to help me grieve and mourn. Helping a grieving friend is complicated by the fact that each person grieves or mourns differently, just as each loss we experience is different. Often, we are so afraid of doing the wrong thing that we do nothing. Or we fall back into trite words that feel empty. I like to think the best way to help a grieving friend is to think of it as a practice, much like a yoga or meditation practice. We know it will never be perfect and instead, we focus on consistently showing up, rather than being too worried about getting it right every time. How to help a grieving friend: 7 ways Below I’ve shared seven of the ways my friend was able to support me while I was grieving my son’s death. If you're wondering how you can be there for a friend is battling grief, these ideas may help you to communicate more easily and with compassion. 1. Admit you don’t know what to say or do When you see your friend, maybe for the first time after his/her loss, it’s OK to own that you don’t know what to do to help them. In fact, when we show up with the most open and honest version of ourselves, it gives others permission to do the same. It also lets the other person know that we're here to help and have the courage to stay with them, but we don’t know what to do. Simply listening with an open heart can help a grieving friend You can also say something like, “Hey, I have no idea what this is like for you, but I care about you and want to help”. Keeping it honest and simple allows us freedom from trying to say the right thing and instead, being able to show up wholeheartedly. 2. Just listen So often we feel like we need to have an answer or say something wise that will make everything better. Your friend’s not broken; he/she is grieving, and grieving is a normal and natural part of the human experience. Listening with an open heart that isn’t calculating the next best thing to say is a beautiful gift. Stay open to what’s being said and allow silence to create sacred space between you. In my work as a chaplain, I’m often amazed at how deep someone is willing to go when they’re allowing to reflect on their own story and hear themselves without being cut off. 3. Don’t have an agenda One of my friends would send beautiful, short text messages that would simply say, “Hey, thinking of you today!”. She never asked for anything, offered any advice or even expected me to reply. But there was more than one occasion when I was grateful to know someone was thinking of my son and me. Her messages would often come on days that were difficult, like Mother’s Day, birthdays or the anniversary of Brandon’s death. “Helping a grieving friend is complicated by the fact that each person grieves differently, just as each loss we experience is different.” How she showed up without an agenda made her feel more accessible to me when I did need something. Text messages, cards, emails are all great ways to help a grieving friend without making it look like you have an agenda. 4. Make your offer to help specific So many of my friends said to me, “Let me know what you need – seriously – ANYTHING. I would love to help.” But this was, one, not helpful, as often I didn’t even know what I needed, and two, worthless, because by the time I figured out what I needed I couldn’t remember who said what or they were long gone. Be specific with a grieving friend about how you can help shutterstock/Monkey Business Images Consider what will really serve. Does your friend need you to pick up the kids, go to the grocery store, pick up the dry cleaning, or walk the dog? Sometimes the best way to figure out how to help a friend who is grieving is to start with listening (tip #2). Is your friend talking about feeling exhausted or overwhelmed? Then step in with a specific request like, “I have some free time tomorrow night: what two things would be most helpful to take off your plate?”. I had one friend who showed up at my house every Saturday morning to go for a run. It helped me physically, and I knew I could always count on her to show up. 5. Be in it for the long haul Grief is a long journey that doesn’t end after a few weeks or months. Many of the people I’ve worked with who are going through a bereavement say that the second year is worse than the first. That’s partly because friends and family expect them to ‘get over it’ and people just sort of forget about it. For the person who is grieving, this can feel like a second loss; the loss of friends and family who – until now – have shared a tender grief with them. Even if you have to put it on your calendar as a reminder, continue to check in on holidays, birthdays and any random day after the first year to let your friend know you remember their loss and continue to stand by their side. 6. Don’t be afraid to speak the name of the loved one To this day, nine years later, I love it when someone says they thought of Brandon, or something reminded them of him. Often we’re afraid to speak the dead person’s name because we’re afraid of reminding the grieving person of the sad event. I guarantee you, the friend hasn’t forgotten about their loss, and they will be happy to know you’ve remembered. “Listening with an open heart that isn’t calculating the next best thing to say is a beautiful gift to a friend who is grieving.” The other aspect of comforting a grieving friend is to be sensitive to events that might make them uncomfortable. For example, if a spouse dies and you invite them to a couple’s party. Depending on many factors, they may or may not feel ready to attend. But you can always extend the invitation and express awareness they might not be ready but wanted to include them regardless. 7. Don’t take it personally No matter what you do or how much you want to be the perfect friend, you’re not in charge of your friends’ experience. He or she has their own path to travel. This might include bouts of isolation, depression, anger, or denial. And, unfortunately, these might be directed at you. Holiday grief – 10 tips for coping The 8 types of grief explained 7 healing quotes on grief to inspire It may sound strange, but you should actually feel lucky if you get some of these feelings directed at you. That’s because it means your friend feels safe enough to show their true self to you and trusts you to hold space for the myriad of emotions they will experience. Be patient and don’t take it personally if your friend says or does things that might hurt your feelings. Try to remember that emotions are temporary and your friend will cycle through and come back to the wonderful person you love. Helping a grieving friend: the takeaway Helping a friend who is experiencing grief can feel overwhelming, but mourning, grief and loss are part of the human experience. We can all learn to cultivate compassion and empathy in these moments. Often the best way to help a friend who is grieving is to let go of any pressure you’re putting on yourself to get it perfect. After experiencing my own deep grief and loss, the friends who weathered the storm with me never got it right all the time. But they were real and vulnerable, without an agenda, and made it a point to stick around – no matter what for, and as long as it took. ● Main image: shutterstock/Prostock-studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Deep Listening | Empathy | Friendship Written by Paula Stephens Paula Stephens, M.A. is the founder of Crazy Good Grief, an organisation that teaches positive growth and resilience after the loss of a loved one. Her work is inspired by the personal loss of her oldest son who passed away unexpectedly while home on leave from the Army. Paula is a speaker, yogi and life coach. She's also the author of From Grief to Growth: 5 Essential Elements to Give your Grief Purpose and Grow from Your Experience. Paula is a practicing Buddhist and recently became the first Buddhist Chaplain to work at the county jail where she lives. She's the mother of four boys and lives in Littleton, Colorado.

If you feel overwhelmed during the course of your day, stopping to pause for a 'mindful minute' can help reset you and give focus. Ann Vrlak shares 10 calming moments of mindfulness that you can incorporate into your daily routine. What can you do in one minute? The truth is you can do a lot. A minute is longer than you think. If you have a spare minute, try it right now. Set a timer, close your eyes and just breathe. Were you surprised by how long a minute actually is? When I teach meditation, especially to beginners, showing them ‘mindful minutes’ is a core exercise I love to use because it helps students see the benefits of meditation in the context of their daily lives. Here’s why. When people learn different types of meditation, the basic practice involves setting time aside from your usual day-to-day activities for a quiet period of 20 minutes or more. And, it’s true, this devoted time to go deep into a practice is essential to learning what meditation is actually about. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • However, if this is your only practice, what often happens is a kind of disconnection. Insights or perspectives you have on the meditation cushion stay there. They don’t flow into your work stresses or disagreements with your loved ones. You feel and react as usual, maybe a little disappointed in yourself or in meditation. Mindful minutes are the medicine for disconnection. The benefits of your mindful minutes of breath practice, relaxation or loving-kindness, for example, flow into whatever you do next. Stop for a moment to fully embrace your surroundings shutterstock/mimagephotography Mindful minutes: getting started Want to give mindful minutes a try? Here’s all you need to do: Choose when to do them. The best way to remember your mindful minutes is to connect them to things you do a couple of times every day, like brushing your teeth, sitting down for a meal or getting in your car. So, every time you brush your teeth, it’s your signal: “Ah, time for a mindful minute.” An extra benefit is you don’t need to find extra time during your day to do these practices. Choose one or two exercises from this article you’d like to try. Do the exercises every day, for one week to start. Start small and enjoy them. Just notice how you feel doing them and what changes in your day. Tips for mindful minutes If you find yourself thinking about something else during your mindful minute, that’s OK. Do not beat yourself up! If you have a bit more time, start again. If you don’t, just notice – kindly, please – that it was difficult for you to focus for one minute. It’s kind of interesting, isn’t it? What would be different if you could focus for longer? Just a question, no judgement. Don’t let your mind talk you out of doing the practices. You may tell yourself, “This is stupid. What’s this going to do?” Decide ahead of time to ignore this kind of criticism. The exercises in this article are simple, but they all have direct roots in traditional meditation practices that have been used for hundreds of years. Mindful minute: 10 practical exercises Incorporate some of these ten mindful moments into your daily routine and start to feel the benefits soon. 1. Five Conscious Breaths Breathing exercises are one of the oldest meditation practices. They are powerful tools for relaxing both your body and mind. For five breaths, pay attention to the sensations of your full breath cycle: the inhale, slight pause, exhale, slight pause. Don’t strain, hold your breath or try to change your breath in any way. Just do your best to focus on the sensations of your breath in your nose, throat, belly or wherever it’s easiest for you to pay attention. 2. Mindful eating Eating is something we all sometimes do in a rush or without fully experiencing or enjoying. As you prepare and eat your breakfast, for example, pay attention to the vibrations as you grind your coffee, the smell of the bread toasting, and the taste of the orange juice in your mouth. When you become distracted or start thinking about what’s next in your day, do your best to be aware and simply come back to your moment-to-moment experience of eating mindfully. Eat mindfully, enjoying every moment of food shutterstock/Dean Drobot 3. Loving-kindness Is there someone in your life that is struggling or in a painful situation? Or maybe this describes you right now. Open your heart by practising loving-kindness. Close your eyes and see the person or yourself in your mind’s eye. Feel compassion and loving kindness for what they’re going through, and repeat silently, “May they be happy, may they be safe, may they be loved.” Or, “May I be happy, may I be safe, may I be loved.” 4. Practise empathy Has someone done something to irritate you, upsetting your mood? Try feeling empathy during a minute of mindfulness. Imagine what that person who upset you might be thinking or feeling. Could they be under a lot of pressure at work or have a troubling situation at home? If you can find a way to “see the person” even a little, your feelings and thoughts about the situation will change. “Mindful minutes are the medicine for disconnection. The benefits of your mindful minutes of breath practice, relaxation or loving-kindness, for example, flow into whatever you do next.” My favourite time to practise this mindful minute is when someone annoys me in traffic. One day when this happened to me, I felt angry (as usual) and conjured up stories about how inconsiderate they were. For some reason, I then thought: “How would I feel if that was my niece in the car (who I adore)?” The stories disappeared immediately, along with the anger. If it was her, I thought, she would just be rushing to get home to her kids or be a bit distracted by her work. Now, I use that practice consciously when I’m in traffic. It’s a great lesson: to see it’s the stories (my thoughts) that upset me, not the person’s behaviour. 5. Body scan The body scan is a classic meditation practice that can be done anywhere, any time, and for any length of time – even for just a mindful minute. Starting with your hands, feel the sensations in your body – tingling, warmth or pressure. Then, let your attention move progressively through your body, noticing as much as you can about sensations whether they are pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. The idea of this practice is to stay as close to the direct physical sensations as you can, rather than thoughts, feelings or perceptions you may be having. Follow a simple yet effective ten-minute body scan meditation script here. 6. Befriend emotion This meditation is a way to listen to your emotions, with kind attention, instead of perhaps resisting them or wanting to distract yourself from them. When you feel an uncomfortable emotion, big or small, see if you can notice with kind, curious attention how the emotion is showing up in your mind and body. Is it triggering thoughts of blame or anger? Is it creating tension in your neck or stomach? Notice as much as you can, not getting stuck in any one place. Notice, be kind, move on. Rinse and repeat. 7. Inhabiting your five senses This is a powerful anxiety-soothing exercise you can do almost anywhere. The object is to be mindful of the information coming in through your five senses. Pay attention to each sense: sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. With each one, notice as much as you can as precisely as you can and try not to interpret anything. Simple labels can help you stay focused on your senses, like “warm” or “red” or “ringing.” 8. Say “OK” This practice is based on a foundation skill of meditation: acceptance or allowing things to be as they are. There are many things in a day that you might resist or feel are wrong. We all do this sometimes, but if it’s something we can’t change, like having a cold, for example, the resistance only makes us more unhappy. Saying “OK” is a way to practise acceptance in little moments in your day. So, when you get a cold, say to yourself “OK” and try to let go. Or, when your teenager is late for dinner again, say to yourself “OK” and try to let go. You’re not saying you like it. You’re only acknowledging what is happening and letting go of the struggle or the wish for it to “not be so.” 9. Do one thing at a time Who doesn’t try and multi-task sometimes? However, productivity experts, as well as people who study happiness, have found that, first, you may not get as much done as you think and, second, that multitasking is stressful! “The body scan is a classic meditation practice that can be done anywhere, any time, and for any length of time – even for just a mindful minute.” Choose an everyday activity and try to focus on just that one thing while you’re doing it. If you’re like most of us, you’ll start to add in more things “you can do at the same time.” Just watch for this habit and bring your attention back to your focus. Honour what you’re doing, in this moment. Give it your undivided attention and notice if anything changes for you. 10. Question your thoughts How many of your thoughts are true? What happens when you believe your thoughts are true, even when they hurt you or others around you? Practising some objectivity with your thoughts is another foundational skill of meditation. You can practise this any time by simply noticing and naming your thoughts, like this: “Oh, I was thinking about that problem at work again.” Leave it at that and notice the next thought. Creating some space helps you notice how many thoughts you have, how consistent they are or are not, and how they affect how you feel and what you do. Spiritual teacher Byron Katie has built a whole system of meditation starting with the simple question about our thoughts, “Is it true?” Discover more. Takeaway: mindful minutes work Don’t underestimate the power of these little practices! I really encourage you to try one or two of these mindful minutes for a week or so: don’t try to do too more practices at once in the beginning. Each one of them has the ability to create just a bit of perspective if you’re feeling angry, or a bit of relaxation if you’re stressed, or a bit of self-compassion if you’re feeling hurt. Don’t let your mind tell you they probably won’t do anything. Try them and see for yourself, then try a couple more. And if you find that some of these mindful minute practices really work well for you, you can try doing periods of sitting meditation using the same focus or technique to deepen your experience and understanding. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now: ■ to enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Anxiety | Nature | Breathwork | Meditation Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

The dark skies and cold leave many of us struggling to stay upbeat during winter. Discover five ways to boost your mood and lift your spirits during those harsh months. Sponsored content When winter sets in, many of us look forward to the holiday season and seeing loved ones. However, others dread the cold weather, dark nights, and the time of year in general. If you resonate with the latter, your mood can be affected by the season. To help you think and feel more positive during this time, here are five tips that will help to lift your mood during winter. 1. Reach out to loved ones When you’re not feeling yourself during the winter months, you may want to hide away from the world and stay inside alone. However, this won’t do your mood and well-being any favours. So, if you have loved ones nearby, try and make an effort to see them throughout winter. While the idea of being social may fill you with dread, speaking to friends and family is proven to lift your spirits and make you feel less isolated. In fact, staying social is scientifically proven to reduce feelings of loneliness and boost well-being. However, if you can't face seeing anyone in person, a quick phone call or Zoom/Skype chat can make all the difference to how you feel. And you never know: your loved one may be feeling down also, so you may help to lift their spirits, too! 2. Exercise During the chilly winter, you may prefer to snuggle on the couch and use the season as an excuse to put your feet up. However, if you’re feeling down and not like your normal self, staying inside will likely do you more harm than good. Instead, doing some exercise can be a great mood booster. This is because physical activity releases endorphins in the brain which can make you feel happier and healthier. Whatever exercise you like doing, taking 30 minutes out of your day to do some can spark real results. Exercise is a great endorphin boost shutterstock/Halfpoint 3. Eat healthily If you’re the type of person who sees the winter as an opportunity to indulge in comfort food, try and do so in moderation. This is because too much junk food isn’t going to do your mood (or health) any good. Simple measures like eating more good mood foods including fruits and veg can give you more energy and lift your spirits. No one is saying you have to give up the comfort foods you know and love altogether. Instead, be proactive in eating well-balanced meals, and make treats an occasional thing only. “Staying social is scientifically proven to reduce feelings of loneliness and boost well-being. And your loved one may be feeling down also, so you may help to lift their spirits, too!” 4. Try kombucha tea If you haven't already heard of it, kombucha tea is a fermented drink that's made up of tea, sugar, bacteria and yeast. Some scientific evidence suggests that kombucha tea can make you feel better, since the beverage contains probiotics, which can also promote a healthier immune system. RELATED: How to heal your gut – 11 ideas to restore belly health So, if you’re not feeling yourself over the winter months, trying kombucha tea may be the answer. As you learn the basics of kombucha, you will find it may have other surprising benefits too. These include improving digestion, strengthening your immune system and reducing blood pressure. Don’t just take our word for it; instead, pour yourself a cup and you may soon reap all the benefits and lift your spirits at the same time. Kombucha tea can lift your spirits shutterstock/zarzamora 5. Meditate If things are getting too much throughout winter and your mood is spiraling out of control, you may need some time away from the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life. Something as simple as meditating can do wonders for your mood. Regular meditation is scientifically-proven to reduce your stress levels, so practise regularly and you will start to feel more relaxed, calmer, and hopefully happier. Rather than dreading winter and everything that comes with it, there are lots of minor changes you can make that can boost your mindset and mood during the colder months. Try some of suggestions and hopefully you will be feeling brighter and happier. • Main image: Pexels happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Friendship | Healthy habits | Meditation