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The world is a difficult place at the moment, so showing human kindness to others is more relevant than ever. But benevolence doesn't just benefit the person on the receiving end. Dee Marques explains five key benefits we can feel of showing kindness to others. A few weeks ago, I moved to a country where I didn’t know anybody and where I didn’t speak the language. Sometimes, even the smallest tasks feel unsurmountable due to the language barrier and the lack of familiarity with how things work. But often, I find that random passersby are willing to go out of their way to help me figure things out. When that happens, I’m reminded of the old saying, “Kindness costs nothing, but means everything”. Today, human kindness is needed more than ever. In this article I will explain why and will explore the benefits of showing human kindness at every opportunity. What is human kindness? According to the dictionary, kindness is the 'ability to demonstrate generosity and consideration towards others'. Kindness involves thoughtfulness, compassion and empathy, not only to people we know and love, but to anyone who may need it. In other words, true kindness is not selective; it’s shown to others irrespective of who they are, based on the understanding that we all have something important in common: being human. Human kindness has been practised and valued since immemorial times. Although we may not be able to trace specific or individual acts of kindness thousands of years back in time, we have reason to believe that they have always been present in society, in the form of religious and/or spiritual beliefs, or as social norms and expectations. For example, Buddhism is known for the importance it attributes to kindness as an integral part of the human experience. The Buddhist practice of loving kindness or metta illustrates this, as it refers to selflessness, sympathy, and a benevolent attitude towards all sentient beings. This concept is often described as universal love. Other ancient religions, such as Confucianism, Taoism and Hinduism also consider human kindness to be a core value and working within the laws of karma – what goes around comes around. Human kindness can lead to more fulfilling relationships shutterstock/Dragon Images Whether we’re religious or not, we can all agree that the world could do with more kindness. Perhaps we can’t control the levels of suffering caused by war, poverty, price hikes, COVID, and political or social division, but we can do our part to alleviate this suffering by showing human kindness whenever possible and learning how to be nicer. We only need to look at recent examples of kindness to confirm the truth in this. People in the UK have been taking in Ukrainian refugees and contributing to food banks, even though the average person’s finances aren’t particularly buoyant right now. RELATED: Shared humanity – why it matters Random acts of kindness – 22 ways to spread happiness The power of kindness – why being nice benefits us all And the thing is, that gestures of kindness don’t have to be grand, they just need to be genuine. For example, in the town where I lived until very recently, there was an outage that kept our street block without electricity for 3 days, right during the hottest time of the year. People from nearby streets came up to our block and offered to keep groceries in their fridges, so they wouldn’t spoil. At the time, it was a huge help. So whether big or small, gestures of human kindness are all valid. So, how can showing human kindness help you? Sometimes, we’re so enmeshed in our own worries that we think we don’t have the time or energy to show kindness to others. This idea stems from a common misconception: that being kind to other humans only benefits on the receiving end of the kind act. However, human kindness is so powerful that its beneficial effects actually extend to people who demonstrate it. The ripple effect is an important concept here. Psychologists use this concept to describe the far-reaching impact of acts of kindness, by comparing it to the effect caused by throwing a rock on a still body of water. “Human kindness is so powerful that its beneficial effects extend to people who demonstrate it. By showing genuine kindness, we can can create ripples of loving feelings that may travel far into the world.” By showing genuine kindness, we can create ripples of loving feelings that may travel far into the world – we never know who will be inspired by our actions. In fact, it’s not uncommon to witness an act of kindness and feel moved to do the same. Indeed, a study from 2018 shows that kindness can be contagious! What’s more, knowing we’ve done our best to contribute something positive can boost our feelings of contentment and connectedness to others. But the benefits of showing human kindness don’t stop there. Here are a five more ways in which being kind can boost your well-being: 1. Improves your mood Contrary to popular belief, doing things for others can improve our mood in more powerful ways than doing things for ourselves. A 2016 study had two groups of people either do acts of kindness for others or treat themselves over a six-week period. Researchers found that the group that had been kind to others reported higher levels of positive emotions, whereas the other group didn’t experience any changes. Showing kindness to other humans improves our own self-esteem 2. Reduces anxiety and stress Health experts at the University of California have found that performing acts of human kindness releases oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. These acts also increase the production of the so-called happiness hormones, like dopamine or serotonin. This is important because low serotonin levels are associated with anxiety, stress and other mood disorders. 3. Lowers inflammation and boosts your immune system This infographic published by Darmouth College claims that people who integrate human kindness into their daily lives have lower cortisol levels. Cortisol is a powerful hormone that plays a role in virtually every process in our bodies, so imbalances are felt rather quickly. Indeed, high cortisol can cause widespread inflammation, weaken the immune system, disrupt the reproductive system and cause digestive conditions. On the other hand, if acts of kindness can help to lower cortisol levels, helping you to fight inflammation and strengthen your immune system. 4. Improved self-esteem A four-year study focused on adolescents evaluated the effects of being kind to those who need help, for example, through volunteering. The findings, published in 2016, showed that all acts of kindness improved the participants’ self-esteem, irrespective of how big or small those acts were. “People who integrate human kindness into their daily lives have lower cortisol levels... helping you to fight inflammation and strengthen your immune system.” So, how does this happen? Possibly because being kind to others draws attention to the positives in ourselves and reminds us that we are making a difference to improve the lives of others. 5. More fulfilling relationships In a world where suffering and indifference are the norm, showing human kindness can make you stand out among others as a person worth knowing and being friends with. To that effect, there are studies showing that kindness is more attractive that a good physical appearance, and that emphatic people activate parts of the brain that are key to solid relationship building. Takeaway: shifting to human kindness Today, human kindness is needed more than ever. We should all make an effort to not let our busy lives get in the way of altruistic behaviour and to reconnect with the innate gift of human kindness that lies within each one of us. When it comes to kindness, it doesn’t matter if the gesture is big or small, and there are endless ways you can choose kindness over darkness. So, embrace human kindness, make others happier and feel happier yourself. • Main image: Dmytro Zynkevych happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Gratitude | Authenticity | Learning Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Science says that showing kindness to others can boost our physical health and psychological well-being. Sonia Vadlamani offers nine suggestions on how to be a nicer person by incorporating more compassion, politeness and kindness into our daily lives. The idea of purposefully learning how to be nicer may make some of us cringe, as sometimes we may confuse ‘being nice’ with pretending to be polite or feigning interest for the sake of seeming acceptable. This ‘induced niceness’ may, in fact, get quite burdensome very quickly, as it requires additional effort on one’s behalf to seem something they’re not feeling genuinely. However, in reality, nicer people are easier to be around, as they’re genuinely interested in what you think and do. Being nice translates into treating others as you may want to be treated, being empathic, anticipating and respecting others’ needs and feelings, and being kind. While it may be difficult to exactly define ‘niceness’, psychologists rely on the personality traits that we associate with it, like kindness, politeness, empathy, and thoughtfulness, etc. Researchers also point out that the major personality traits associated with ‘agreeableness’ such as kindness, compassion and politeness are also the aspects that we often consider as ‘being nice’. The benefits of being nice Being a nicer person entails prosocial behaviors such as extending kindness, sharing our happiness, respecting others’ vantage point on different issues, etc, which promote well-being and boost social connections. However, research suggests that being nice to others can benefit our mental health and boost longevity as well. In fact, showing kindness to others results in the release of happiness hormones such as oxytocin, which can improve heart health, regulate blood pressure, and foster a greater sense of inclusion, according to researcher James Doty, M.D. at Stanford University. How to be nicer: show kindness through helping those in need Being nice by way of kindness may also alleviate stress and offer faster relief from pain, as research indicates. Furthermore, niceness can also lower anxiety and boost relationship satisfaction for socially anxious individuals. How to be nicer: 9 ideas for kindness Indeed, being nice may not always be the easier choice. However, with mindfulness and dedicated practice, it’s possible to learn how to be a friendlier person and show more kindness to others. Here are nine simple ideas that can help us incorporate kindness into our daily life, helping us to become a nicer person. 1. Have more patience A study by researcher Sarah A. Schnitker suggests that patient people are better friends and neighbours, as they tend to be more impartial, more attentive and have a higher tolerance. Developing mindfulness, or the ability to stay in sync with what is happening in the present moment, can also enable you to reframe a situation, reevaluate your emotions and respond with improved patience, according to research. Practising mindful listening and cultivating patience is therefore one of the surest ways to be a kinder person. 2. Be less judgmental Learning how to be a nicer person may not be the easiest feat, but experts agree that casting judgements aside and learning to transcend our perceived differences through bridging can help us respect other people’s perspectives and acknowledge their viewpoints in a better light. “Research suggests that being nice to others can benefit our mental health and boost longevity. Showing kindness to others releases feel-good hormones.” Engaging in deep listening and positive communication, taking care to avoid social media outrage trap, and a regular meditation practice are some of the research-backed ways to cultivate deep empathy and avoid snap judgments. 3. Look for ways to be helpful Reaching out and anticipating someone’s needs is an effective way to work towards being a nicer person. This can involve small gestures that do not cost a lot but can brighten someone’s day, like offering somebody your seat, or helping someone carry their groceries. Offering support or solicited advice to someone who may be feeling lost in life, dealing with depression, or struggling with grief or loneliness are some other ways to help out and show your friendly side. Volunteering is a great way to be kind to others 4. Open up and show vulnerability Our third tip on how to be nicer relates to vulnerability. Sometimes we shun the opportunity to open up and share our feelings with others, owing to the fear of being judged or compared. Researcher Dr Brené Brown describes this feeling as a vulnerability hangover, wherein one may experience regret or ‘emotional cringe’ upon revealing their feelings or thoughts to others. While vulnerability is mistakenly regarded as a weakness, embracing it as an act of courage and developing shame resilience can help you learn how to be nicer. “Reaching out and anticipating someone’s needs is an effective way to work towards being a nicer person. This can involve small gestures that do not cost a lot but can brighten someone’s day.” "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences," explains Dr Brown. Being vulnerable enables us to develop radical empathy towards ourselves and others, thus opening us up to the possibility of making new friends and forming meaningful connections. 5. Be polite and respectful You can easily show kindness to others and become a nicer person through small gestures, such as being on time, saying “thank you”, being respectful online, or holding the elevator door open for strangers. These acts of politeness do not involve a lot of effort, but convey a positive tone and genuine interest on your behalf. However, take care to avoid the lure of lying to appear polite, as that would be a violation of trust. Instead, strive towards articulating your thoughts and convey your feelings in an open and honest manner, albeit respectfully. 6. Act with kindness The power of kindness is real, and we seldom forget an act of goodwill bestowed on us, even if we may fail to recall other things. Nice people understand the ‘ripple effect’ that kindness creates, wherein the acts of benevolence inspire more people to extend the same kindness to others around them. You need not go out of your way every time to extend kindness. In fact, one can carry out random acts of kindness like running errands for an elderly neighbor or volunteering for a cause you genuinely care about. Don’t forget to choose kindness every day for yourself as well. After all, you can only truly learn how to be a nicer person through practising self-compassion and self-care. Helping out elderly neighbours is one way to be nicer 7. Practise forgiveness Forgiveness as a character strength can help you be a nicer person, in addition to improving overall well-being, as revealed by researcher Kathi L. Norman. Indeed, our inability to forgive can also result in trust issues and a tendency to self-sabotage relationships. Whether you’ve suffered a minor stumble or a major setback due to someone’s actions, words or thoughts, learning to forgive someone who caused you hurt and replacing these feelings with empathy, compassion and kindness can improve your mental and physical health, in addition to strengthening interpersonal relationships. “While vulnerability is mistakenly regarded as a weakness, embracing it as an act of courage can help you learn how to be nicer.” “Harboring unforgiveness breads negative thoughts,” says Catherine Jackson, a licensed clinical psychologist and neurotherapist. “Decide to let it go and make a plan to never go to bed angry,” she continues. Forgiving is a process and may not happen in a day but can surely improve our capacity for love and happiness. Setting your intention for forgiveness with a mantra like “I forgive you and release you” or “I forgive everyone for everything” can help you let go of the hurt amassed over time. 8. Share your happiness Happiness is contagious, as proven by research, so what easier way to be a nicer person that to share your joy. An evaluation study conducted on 4,739 individuals revealed that our happiness is also determined by the happiness levels of others around us. In fact, sharing our happiness can boost our mood and improve morale, in addition to encouraging fulfilling friendships. It is easier to be a nicer person when you have a positive outlook on life and when you understand that happiness is a choice that you can consciously make each day. 9. Be authentic Authenticity is a valued trait, especially in the current tech-obsessed era where we’re constantly being overwhelmed with the messages of how we ‘ought to’ appear, behave and live in an ideal manner. Cultivating your authentic self by honoring your core values and making your time matter can help you be a nicer person. Being authentic also enables us to treat others the way we want to be treated. Also, embracing our true selves allows us to act gracefully even in the face of criticism or adversity, as we realize our worth fully well. The takeaway: how to be a nicer person Being a nicer person should not mean encouraging a forcible semblance of it or appearing nice. Niceness also doesn’t require you to tolerate behavior that violates your core values or suppress your true feelings for the sake of seeming kind. On the contrary, people who are genuinely nice enjoy being authentic and showing empathy and compassion towards others. Genuine niceness nurtures a circular relationship with happiness. Learning how to be a nicer person can boost our mood and improve well-being, but research also demonstrates that an upbeat state of mind can further enhance our prosocial behavior and help us be nicer and kinder. Indeed, inculcating niceness as a habit is immensely rewarding. So, be nice and show kindess! • Images: shutterstock/DGLimages, shutterstock/Gorondenkoff, shutterstock/Viacheslav Nikolaenko happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Altruism | Compassion | Happiness Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Imagine a world with fairly distributed wealth and a happy, enriched workforce. These are two of the aims of Buddhist economics. Ed Gould delves into the background of this economic model and asks whether it can ever become a reality. Economic life may be something that seems out of our control. Indeed, the forces of macroeconomics can appear akin to a tsunami that individuals can do little about. And yet, even an enormous wave is made up of single drops of water. Individuals can decide how they spend, save and deal with the world from a financial point of view. Essentially, Buddhist economics looks at finances from a spiritual and ethical angle. Economics is studied from the standpoint of human psychology and how natural emotive reactions can direct a range of economic activities. So, what exactly is Buddhist economics? One Sri Lankan economist has described a Buddhist economic system as something that “has its foundations in the development of a co-operative and harmonious effort”. Writing in 1976, Neville Karunatilake said that the ideal place to operate in this way was within a “group living” setting. Perhaps building on the ashram idea of communal living espoused by Gandhi, Tolstoy and others, this approach would lead to a diminished level of “selfishness and acquisitive pursuits” which might have been seen in the days the Buddhist king Ashoka's rule. Referring back to a pre-industrial time, many classically trained economists might easily miss the point of what Buddhist economics can mean for the 21st-century world. However, as we shall see, Buddhist ideas about economics have developed throughout the world over the last few decades. This is partly because people are increasingly aware of the fragility of the global financial system and because of the destructive nature of many industrial processes which harm the planet. In an attempt to address these issues, some economists have tried to look at the principles behind Buddhist ethical teachings and apply them to areas like work, productivity, commerce and even concepts such as ownership. After all, it was the ethical nature of Buddhism that led Ashoka to invest in public works programmes such as those which built hospitals, hostels and parks. “Buddhist ideas about economics have developed over the last few decades partly because people are increasingly aware of the destructive nature of many industrial processes which harm the planet.” Building interest in the ethical dimension of Buddhist economics, the first international conference of its type was held in the city of Budapest in 2007. Further such conventions, which look into all aspects of Buddhist economic thought, from increasing happiness to facing up to the economic challenges of Western economies, have since taken place. How did Buddhist economics get to this level of acceptance among modern academics? Not child's play: Buddhist economics isn't easy to implement The development of Buddhist economics According to the Buddhist writer, P A Payutto, the traditional study of economics has avoided vital questions about human morality and ethical considerations. However, as ecological concerns have become more critical in the eyes of many people around the globe, so ever-increasing growth – something that most capitalist economies rely upon – has become seen as negative. Therefore, alternatives economic views have become increasingly mainstream. Both right and left wing economic views have, according to the zero-growth economic models espoused by certain green politicians, got little to offer regarding preserving the world's resources. Buddhist economics fits into that tradition and has been gaining more significant attention since Payutto started publishing in the 1990s. RELATED: Spending money – can you buy yourself happiness? The idea of Buddhist economics was first espoused in the 20th century by E F Schumacher, a German statistician, who came up with his ideas while travelling through southeast Asia. Schumacher ended up being an economic advisor to Prime Minister U Nu of what was then Burma. His idea was to reject the economic theories of both Karl Marx and Adam Smith, both of whom focussed on units of labour as being the primary economic drivers in any economic model. Instead, Schumacher espoused a view of economics from a Buddhist point of view. Essentially, Schumacher opted to redefine work from something that could be sold, for example to employers, or exploited, through slavery or unpaid labour, as well as choosing to view it as something that did not necessarily need to be conducted most efficiently. In other words, his view of work was one that was there to enrich the basic happiness of the person doing it from a spiritual standpoint, not from an economic one. When work works: we should be enriched by our labour efforts Let's look at what Schumacher means by taking an example. In a factory, the most efficient way of making an item for sale into the wider economy might be to divide the labour up so that each worker does a repetitive task over and over. This simplifies their job function, makes the production method more predictable and lowers costs, especially if production is speeded up significantly. The outcome might be that the factory owner makes more money with such a system. Henry Ford, the American car maker, is often cited as a pioneer of these sorts of workplace practices which were developed for economic reasons. Schumacher turns that idea on its head. He put forward the idea that work should not be measured by economic output. “In other words, Schaumacher's view of work was one that was there to enrich the basic happiness of the person doing it from a spiritual standpoint, not from an economic one.” Indeed, according to his Buddhist principle, work is there to offer a worker the chance to utilise and develop all of his faculties, not just one or two key skills. Also, this will enable a worker to overcome egocentric ideas, mainly when work is conducted with other people in a common task, for example, building a house together. Crucially, Schumacher stated that work should “bring forth the goods and services needed for a becoming existence”. In other words, work ought to create enough economic output to sustain life but no more. Working just to accumulate more and more wealth is pointless from a spiritual perspective. Being rich is, in other words, counterproductive. Economic problems and Buddhist solutions Since the global financial crisis, many people have woken up to the idea that the economic system that has sustained the West, in particular, may not be the be-all-and-end-all. If the system could crash and the money supply seize up once, then could it do so again? In addition, the rise of China as a global economic force – a country that does not run on liberal economic models – has caused some people to think that the way things have been done does not mean that is the way they must continue. The world becomes more global in its inter-connectedness, so goods move more rapidly and resources are used up. Some see the emergence of nationalism in recent years as a direct result of global economic trends over which local communities have little control. Global economic challenges like these can be met by Buddhist teachings. Not only do they convey the idea that man is interdependent on his fellow man, but that overproduction for the sake of economic growth is undesirable. “Since the global financial crisis, many people have woken up to the idea that the economic system that has sustained the West, in particular, may not be the be-all-and-end-all.” According to Clair Brown, an economics professor at UC Berkeley and the director of the Center for Work, Technology and Society, students she teaches are focussed on the tremendous economic inequalities that globalization has produced. In a world where the richest one per cent of the population own half of all the wealth, it's clear that inequality – and abject poverty – is rife. Rise above? Buddhist economics could challenge poverty Brown teaches that happiness, founded on less inequality, and the simple act of helping each other with compassion is the answer to these undeniable economic challenges. She puts forward the idea that economists must let go of the principle that people are fundamentally selfish and that they will always choose the best economic outcome for themselves. By studying cities in the so-called Rust Belt of America, she points out that economists must work in a way that is “compatible with what neuroscientists are finding out about people’s well-being and the way minds work.” How can mankind and our planet benefit? The economic challenges of poverty, inequality, globalization and ecology can all be met by adopting a Buddhist approach to economics, so its proponents claim. On ecology, for example, Professor Brown cites the withdrawal by the US from the Paris Accords as something that does not ascribe to Buddhist teachings of being mindful of others. RELATED: The 6 Science-Backed Benefits of Living Simply Man can benefit from adopting Buddhist economics because of self-interest, so inherent in Western economic models, is illusory. Instead of bartering for the best deal, the approach should be to adopt an economic model of mutual reciprocity. Why? Because we feel negative about ourselves and others in the former model and a higher degree of happiness and inner peace with the latter. Imagine what could be achieved by humans if everyone just got on better with one another because they felt less pressured to make a few pounds? From a global point of view, this would bring about a deceleration in the exploitation of the Earth's valuable resources, helping to make economic life sustainable not just for today but for future generations. ● Main image: Colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Work life balance | Biology | Community living Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

In today's noisy and unsettling world, in can be difficult to find inner peace and tranquility. Dee Marques explores the three key techniques that can help: mindfulness, shadow work and cultivating equanimity. It’s true that human history has always been marked by unsavoury events, but perhaps you share the feeling that these days, conflict, hatred, and violence suddenly seem to be all around us. Feeling you don’t really know what’s happening to the world is deeply unsettling and can threaten your inner peace and happiness. Yet, there are things you can do to counteract these emotions. Here are some ideas on how you can promote inner peace within yourself – and with others – regardless of how uncertain the world around us may be. Finding inner peace When dealing with hatred and violence, finding ways to promote inner peace requires mindful action. Here are the three key techniques you can use to try and find that inner calm and quiet. 1. Mindfulness Our first suggestion is to practise mindfulness. Not just because of its ability to transform your inner self, but because it can change your perception of the world, too. Indeed, scientific studies have shown that regular mindfulness practice appears to shrink the amygdala (the part of the brain that controls feelings of fear), while at the same time activating the pre-frontal cortex, which is associated with decision-making and awareness. All this means that mindfulness can help us regulate our emotions instead of simply reacting to triggers. It also helps us make more balanced judgements about what’s going on around us, as well as inside us. Discover some great mindfulness tips, such as mindful eating and drinking, gratitude walks and creating a start-of-the-day ritual. Finding inner peace through gratitude walks 2. Shadow work When it comes to finding inner peace and calm, our second suggestion is to engage in shadow work. This transformational practice is based on the idea that our feelings and perceptions about ourselves dominate the way we feel and act towards others. The shadow is the “negative you” or “your dark side”. With shadow work, instead of pushing it to the back of your mind or repressing it (as most of us feel tempted to do), you should explore it. This helps you to learn more about your own prejudices and misconceptions. The basic outline of shadow work looks like this: Acknowledge the negative emotions triggered by some people, news or events. Connect with your shadow and establish a conversation with it. What is it trying to achieve? Is its overall intention positive or negative? In most cases, your shadow holds on to negative emotions to protect you from harm. Can you find other ways of achieving the same without getting caught in a negative circle or without blaming others? Last but not least, remember that peace is not a goal that can be reached through certain mediums, but rather peace is the medium itself. In other words, use peace to bring inner peace by showing kindness and consideration towards your body and mind. For example, loving-kindness meditation has been proven to reduce self-criticism, promote peace with ourselves and others, and generate positive feelings towards strangers. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Loving kindness meditation for inner peace YouTube/LovingKindnessMeditation 3. Cultivating equanimity Cultivating equanimity can also help you to find inner peace and also peace with the outside world. Equanimity is one of the Four Sublime States in the Buddhist tradition, and the word derives from Sanskrit expression that means “to see without interference”. RELATED: How to Stop Thinking About Something: 9 Strategies Equanimity is also defined as even-mindedness, a balanced reaction to both positive and negative events or thoughts, and the ability to achieve a state of mind that cannot be affected by bias and prejudice, but that's driven by compassion instead. “Finding ways to promote peace requires mindful action. Basically, you’ll need to disarm the inner world first in order to disarm the outer world.” Cultivating equanimity involves re-wiring your brain through conscious practise. Yoga (especially gratitude yoga) provides the ideal conditions to work on this. Find your equanimity mantra (something that reminds you of the need to stay unbiased), start your yoga session, and take note of any negative reactions triggered by thoughts or people you dislike. Keep referring to your equanimity mantra while acknowledging that you are responsible for your own happiness and peace of mind. Finding peace in the outside world Of course, we should all do our best not only to promote inner peace in our minds, but also in the outside world. To do that, you don’t need to make grand gestures. As Buddhist author and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Learn the art of making one person happy, and you will learn to express your love for the whole of humanity and all beings.” So, here are 10 easy-to-put-into-action gestures of peace and kindness: Send a heart-felt handwritten card to a friend or relative Compliment a colleague and express how much you appreciate them Offer a small gift (e.g. fruit, biscuits) to the person who delivers your post Donate to a charity shop Volunteering is important. Try it at a shelter or soup kitchen Offer your place in the queue to the person behind you (or try another random act of kindness) Track down an old teacher or lecturer, and send them a note of appreciation Bake some treats and take them to work to share with colleagues Let another driver into your lane Strike up a conversation with a homeless person Meditation can help you to cultivate inner peace shuttertsock/Jack Frog When it comes to finding inner peace and calm in troubled times, it’s important to resist isolation, even if this seems to go against our most basic instincts. For example, you could get involved in community-building initiatives, as this can help establish meaningful conversations with those who hold different views. You can also join non-violence organizations, or learn more about how prejudice and stereotypes affect us by signing up to prejudice reduction workshops or seminars in your local area or online. The takeaway: finding inner peace Finding kindness and peace within yourself and in the world won’t happen overnight, but mindfulness practise, shadow work, cultivating equanimity, and resisting isolation are within the path to hope and joy. To cope with the troubled times we're currently living in, you’ll need to be persistent and willing to challenge your inner self. ● Main image: shutterstock/marvent happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Gratitude | Meditation | Volunteering | Inner turmoil Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Many of us are guilty of self-criticism, and this trait ultimately makes us weaker and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, pulls us to a larger, kinder place. Ann Vrlak explores the benefits of self-love meditation and gives you a practice to get started with. Self-love. Does the phrase make you relax and smile, or does it make you cringe? Your reaction to this question will tell you a lot about yourself and if self-love meditation is something you may want to try. Being critical of ourselves, having a lot of negative self-talk, is unfortunately all too common. But, that doesn’t make it any less damaging to our sense of well-being and happiness. Indeed, self-criticism is intimately linked with not feeling worthy of love. Somehow, somewhere along the line, many of us learned that we have to earn love, rather than it being our birthright. We feel we have to be perfect to be loved. The problem is there’s no such thing as human perfection. Interestingly, in a conversation with Western psychotherapists, the Dalai Lama was puzzled by the concept of “low self-esteem” – it was not something he recognized in Tibetan culture at all! Self-love: the two wings of meditation Your head and your heart are the two wings of meditation. The head provides step-by-step practices, context and an understanding of the goals of meditation. The heart is the environment, the space you bring to meditation. If you follow a practice, step by step, but feel unloving and self-critical, it will be an ineffectual practice indeed, not to mention a subtle kind of self-punishment. Better not to meditate at all! Reduce tension and build strength through self-love meditation Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others. And don’t be fooled: self-love builds strength. Self-love or self-compassion has an undeserved reputation as being weak or self-indulgent. Not so. Indeed, one expert in self-compassion, Kristen Neff, makes the case for the opposite: that it builds resilience, self-awareness and compassion for others. What are the benefits of self-love meditation? Here are just a few of the advantages to practising self-love meditation. Incorporate it into your daily schedule and you should start to feel some of the following benefits: 1. Reduces tension and anxiety Self-criticism or self-judgment feels just like criticism or judgement from someone else. It causes anger, sadness or even fear, and causes tension and anxiety. Practising self-love meditation literally helps your nervous system relax and feel safe. 2. It feels better! Continuing on from the last point: who would you prefer to spend time with? Someone who criticizes what you think, how you look, how you act? Or, someone who’s curious about you, is kind, and treats you with respect and compassion? If you prefer the latter – spoiler alert! – you can treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? 3. Brings your unconscious self-criticism into the light Many, many people resist self-love meditations. Why? Because, as I’ve already mentioned, self-criticism is seen as “normal,” to some extent at least. There are many possible reasons for this that are outside the scope of this article! For now, it’s enough to know that practising self-love meditation will show you where you are on the spectrum of self-love to self-criticism. If you are nearer to the self-criticism end, that is not something to criticize yourself for. “Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others.” Meditation is a tool for self-knowledge. If your self-love meditation shows you your unconscious habit of negative self-talk, it’s OK, you’re not alone! You can start to notice this self-talk, how it makes you feel and how it affects what you do. And if you want to make things better. 4. Builds strength Self-criticism essentially makes you smaller and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, takes you to a larger, kinder viewpoint on yourself. You see your ‘weaknesses’ or limitations without feeling threatened by them. This makes change and growth something you’re naturally drawn to do – you can choose it consciously from a healthy place. 5. Rest our minds We use our minds so much, we can forget to feel. It’s healthy to ‘unplug’ your mind and remember what is most important to you. Is it to feel happy? To feel safe and loved? A self-love meditation is a simple and powerful way to take quality time for yourself, let your mind rest and immerse yourself in love and respect. A self-love meditation practice You can do this practice sitting or lying down. Get comfortable and start by following your breath for a few minutes. When you’re feeling relaxed, notice any emotions you’re having in the moment. In particular, is there any slight feeling of upset or unhappiness that you can find? For your first few sessions of the practice, it’s best to work with something small, but you be the judge of what you’re up for. If nothing comes up right now, you can bring to mind a recent situation that caused you a bit of emotional turmoil. For a few breaths, notice where that emotion is located. You might feel sadness in your throat, for example, or anger in your solar plexus. See where you physically feel your emotion most strongly. Be specific. And notice the thoughts that accompany the emotion. Do you have thoughts of self-blame, regret or unworthiness? Now, repeat one of the following statements silently or out loud. If none of the statements feel right to you, that’s OK. See if you can find another that fits and has the same message of attention and caring. Here’s the first statement. “I see you [name your emotion]. That sounds really hard, I’m sorry.” Here’s another: “I’m here. Stay as long as you like [name your emotion], you’re welcome here.” Or: “I see you [name your emotion]. I love you.” If you have resistance to these statements, welcome to the club! See if you can feel the intention and meaning of one of these statements, even for a few seconds. What does it feel like to turn toward your own discomfort with a caring attention, rather than turning away from it, or minimizing or judging it? And if you just can’t feel any self-love toward yourself, toward your own pain, does that evoke some self-compassion in you? How hard is it to move through life in this way? When you feel resistance or judgement about the practice itself, include that, too: “I see you resistance. That must be hard. I’m sorry.” You can picture someone you care about having the emotion you’re experiencing. Can you feel the compassion you naturally want to give them and direct it to yourself? Is it actually true that they are worthy of love, but you are not? It helps to realize your common humanity: whatever upsetting or difficult emotion you’re experiencing right now, there are people all over the world experiencing the same thing. Suffering in big and small ways is just part of being human; it’s not a punishment. Recognizing that many of us are worried about our aging parents or about losing our job can soften your heart toward yourself and others. Keep feeling your uncomfortable emotion and saying your loving statement. If the words just get in the way, just see if you can feel love in your heart. Let love come into contact with your suffering. Continue the practice as long as it feels comfortable, watching and listening closely for how self-love feels for you. Conclusion: self-love meditation Self-love meditation can uncover perspectives and insights that you can’t see when you’re criticizing yourself. Do this practice as a kind of call and response. Send out self-love in your chosen statement and watch for a response. If you’re not used to sending yourself love, the response could be very small or very fleeting – part of you may not “believe” what you’re sending or not want to accept it. So, really watch for, listen to, and feel any response from your heart and body: a softening, a sense of relief, a bit of gratitude. Those small signs are seeds you can nurture each time you practice self-love meditation. Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Burnout | Stress management | Mindfulness Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Slowing down helped Radha Ruparell figure out what really mattered to her. On April 5, 2020, I started to feel tired in the middle of the day. A couple of days later, I found myself trying to catch my breath on a conference call. It was then that I first suspected I might have this new virus that everyone was talking about, COVID-19. Six months later, I am still in the battle. The first few weeks of this illness were a rollercoaster. In the early days, I felt like I had been drugged with sleeping pills and couldn’t even muster energy to get out of bed. At nights, I faced explosive headaches and fevers that brought haunting hallucinations. I would fall asleep for a couple of hours, often to be jolted awake gasping for air. Unable to hold down food, I shed ten pounds in a month. Soon my symptoms progressed to a point where I was truly scared for my life. I went to doctors looking for answers, but even they were uncertain. My heart sank when, after discovering a lesion in my brain, a neurologist told me: “I’m sorry. We can try some things and see if they work, but we just don’t know enough yet.” Fortunately, I made it through those harrowing first weeks. Yet in the weeks that followed, I discovered that I had become a “long-hauler” facing a long-lasting post-viral syndrome. Months later, I still face waves of fatigue where my body shuts down if I don’t get enough rest. Prior to this virus, I was healthy in mind and body. I meditated, surfed, played tennis, and walked around Manhattan with a New Yorker’s hurried gait. I lived a fast-paced life. And then COVID-19 hit me. Now, I have been forced to slow down. Slowing down has been tough — and it has also been an incredible gift. Noticing what’s right there In the early part of this illness, I was in isolation alone at home. With constant physical pain, fatigue and brain fog, I was unable to work. I didn’t have energy to do anything else, either. I could not read, watch TV, exercise, or do other normal activities. Sitting in isolation with zero distraction was unnerving because then I had no choice other than to really be with everything that was unfolding. As I lay bedridden, I found myself reflecting on my life, pondering not what I had accomplished but who I had been along the way. Had I been kind to my family and friends? Had I taken full responsibility for my mistakes? Had I expressed myself fully and let the world see who I really am? Slowing down helps you focus on what really matters (posed by model) shutterstock/insta_photos On day 14, I finally broke down and admitted to a friend that I had never been more scared in my life. For two weeks, I had been resisting my fear. My fear of dying. My fear of losing loved ones to this illness. But finally, when I was able to let go and just be with that fear, suddenly it wasn’t as terrifying anymore. My friend couldn’t take away my pain, but she created a safe space for me to share what I was feeling. Sometimes, all we need in difficult times is to be witnessed and heard. I also discovered that when I started slowing down and allowing myself to embrace all my emotions, it wasn’t just fear, angst, or sadness that arose. I started opening up my heart in new ways to love, connection, and all the beauty that surrounded me. As one example, seven weeks into my fight, I celebrated my 40th birthday. On paper, that day might have sounded like a disaster. There was no big celebration. And yet, it was the most beautiful birthday ever. As I received warm notes from friends and family around the world, something amazing happened. Instead of the day whizzing by, as it usually does, I was able to really sit with all the love that was pouring in. I soaked it all in. It was a deeply moving experience. “Sitting in isolation with zero distraction was unnerving because then I had no choice other than to really be with everything that was unfolding.” Slowing down also helped me rediscover things I had taken for granted. When I left my apartment after 27 days in isolation, the first thing I noticed were the beautiful tulips growing in a little patch outside of my building. I have lived in this apartment for five years. Why had I never really noticed these flowers before in springtime? Oh, and the feeling of a breath of fresh air, a gust of wind, and the first time seeing trees again after a month indoors. It was as if I were a kid experiencing these things for the first time. What would life feel like if we always approached the world with childlike wonder? What if we soaked in the magic of each moment like it was our first and last one on earth? Instead of taking these simple pleasures for granted, what if we were truly present in our lives? This might sound sappy, but learning to savor and appreciate good experiences in life is one of the most important keys to well-being. And it gives us more energy and strength to face the difficult experiences. But busyness has become a normal way of life. In fact, we often wear it as a badge of honor. We are so busy running on autopilot, often in triggered states, that we can easily miss what’s right in front of us. We miss the magic that exists simply in taking a walk outside or sharing a meal with loved ones. Slowing down helped me pause and notice. I am now so much more aware of what’s been right in front of me all along. Unlearning bad habits Slowing down didn’t just help me savor the little things in life. It also forced me to recognize the importance of rest. In battling post-viral fatigue syndrome, I learned that if I didn’t pause and rest regularly, I would quickly relapse. So, when I returned to work, I had to learn entirely new ways of operating. I had to say no to meetings and projects that I would have otherwise taken on. I had to rest in the middle of the day to avoid waves of pain and fatigue from escalating. I had to learn that while I was brimming with ambition around things I wanted to accomplish, not everything had to get done that day. And, mostly, I had to learn to let go of any guilt associated with operating slowly, because the guilt just made the mental and physical pain worse. On my fridge, I put a Post-it note — “Be gentle with yourself” — as a daily reminder to practice self-compassion. Soon I discovered that when I was kind and respectful to myself, I was also much more grounded and generous in my interactions with others around me. For example, when a coworker showed up stressed to a meeting one day, I reminded myself that “just like me, they, too, are dealing with difficult things.” Rather than getting triggered and adding to the stress, I tried to listen without judgment. In these times of collective trauma, we all deserve a bit of compassion. There’s a myth that self-compassion means letting yourself off the hook. But, as I experienced, practicing self-compassion actually makes you more motivated to improve and resilient to setbacks — without the procrastination, stress, and rumination we get from being self-critical. Take time to appreciate friendships shuttertsock/rawpixel.com Slowing down is hard for so many of us “achievers” because our default norms are set otherwise. Initially, I tried to power through the fatigue and pain. But for the first time in my life, that strategy did not work. What I discovered about slowing down is that it’s not really about learning a new skill; rather, it’s about unlearning. When our routines are turned upside down, it can be daunting, that’s for sure. Yet disruptive moments like the pandemic are also a perfect time to break free of default ways of being. We can start questioning the things we do on autopilot and focus on what really matters. For me, I realized that what really matters is connection — from family to close friends to communities where I feel belonging. I have a newfound desire to be more intentional and fully present in all these interactions. What a shame it would be to come to the end of our lives and discover that we missed appreciating the “little things” that feel so ordinary at times — like a daily embrace with a child or partner — to later realize that these actually were the “big things” after all. Time for a collective pause When we slow down collectively, we create space to connect with one another more deeply. As the pandemic unfolded across the world, I first experienced it at my workplace, Teach For All, a global network of organizations in 58 countries working to develop collective leadership so that all children have the opportunity to fulfill their potential. In the early days of the pandemic, we hosted Zoom video calls where colleagues from around the world would get together. At the beginning of these calls, we would take a few minutes to check in with one another personally in small groups. In these moments, I learned that some colleagues had family members afflicted with COVID-19. Others were struggling with working from home while parenting young children. Many were facing the daunting challenge of reimagining education in their countries in the wake of indefinite school closures. These precious spaces to pause and be with one another were a chance to bear witness to each other’s raw realities. “I discovered that when I started slowing down and allowing myself to embrace all my emotions, it wasn’t just fear, angst, or sadness that arose. I started opening up my heart in new ways to love, connection, and all the beauty that surrounded me.” In these moments, we also discovered our deep interconnectedness. While the exact nature of our challenges differed, what we had in common was that all of us faced some upheaval and uncertainty, and that meant that we could also learn from one another. For example, soon after the pandemic unfolded, hundreds of teachers in communities around the world with limited internet access came together on a WhatsApp group (now known as the Teaching Without Internet Alliance) to share ideas for how to support student learning during school closures. Slowing down also created an opportunity to pause and ask the bigger questions. Many nights, as I was lying ill in bed, I would hear chants of “Black Lives Matter” as protestors marched down my street. As I listened, so many questions emerged: “Why is it that we have been quiet as a society for so long to the horrible treatment of our fellow human beings? In what ways have I been complicit through my silence and inaction? And what is possible now that more people are waking up?” While these questions have been alive in certain communities for a long time, without a collective slowdown, we might not have reached this tipping point where the conversation has finally permeated more broadly. Other questions that occupy my mind are around education. As more parents now get involved in their kids’ education, and as teachers reimagine remote learning, I wonder: “What is the purpose of education? What is most important for kids to learn? How do we nurture curiosity, compassion, and consciousness in kids? How can we use this moment to reimagine education to enable more equitable outcomes for all kids?” Similar reckonings may be happening in other fields around the world, from health care to food systems to our workplaces. As this global pandemic touches everyone, we have a unique opportunity to pause, connect with ourselves and one another, and ask the questions that really matter. And in this wide open space, perhaps we might unlock our imagination and collective responsibility and find new ways to tackle our greatest societal challenges. I have (un)learned so much personally by slowing down. Now, I wonder, what would be possible for humanity if we all slow down just a little? If we purposefully choose not to return to our hectic lives as if nothing happened? What beauty, connection, meaning, and joy might we find waiting for us right there in plain sight? • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Resilience | Kindness Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Giving someone criticism can be tough, especially if they're sensitive. Learn how to be more compassionate with your feedback and advice by giving criticism constructively. Most of us will have faced an assessment of our abilities and behaviour during our lives, probably at work. Sometimes we will have received some negative feedback, but, hopefully, more often than not, we will have been given constructive criticism. However, according to Gregg Walker from Oregon State University, knowing how to give and take criticism constructively can be a minefield: those giving it are unsure on the best way to deliver it and those on the receiving end of such feedback can often become defensive. But by learning how to rebuke kindly, giving feedback that is meant to improve someone can become much easier. And, according to the author Leo Babauto, before giving constructive criticism it's important firstly to consider, “Would I like to hear that about myself and, if so, what would be the nicest way to say it?”. Constructive criticism: the benefits Whether at work or in one’s personal life, having someone criticize with kindness will have a much more positive result. According to a study by the consultant Marcial Losada and academic Emily Heaphy, effectiveness within a business is measured by financial performance, customer satisfaction and feedback ratings of the team members. The related question is whether positive feedback – actually and truthfully – informs us that we're on track, or is constructive criticism and comments a better way to help us when we're perhaps digressing in a non-positive way. Losada and Heaphy discovered that positive comments such as, “That’s a great idea, but...” is a better way to begin offering constructive criticism, rather than negative comments like, “We shouldn’t even consider doing that.” Constructive criticism in the workplace Jacob Lund/shutterstock/ However, giving negative feedback can also act as a wake-up call, in that it will grab the person’s attention. According to The Joy of Criticism by Peter Fisk, a Ph.D scientist, criticism is actually information, which, when used in the right way, should help us to improve our behaviour. RELATED: ‘I Hate My Job!’ Cultivate These 6 Traits and Love Your Work Fisk uses the 'spinach-on-the-teeth' example, where, at a function, you notice that someone you know has got some spinach stuck in their teeth. The dilemma is: should you tell them or should you pretend you haven’t seen it? If you don’t tell them, then they'll spend the rest of the evening looking ridiculous, so it's probably better to criticize with kindness, as they will surely be grateful and remove the offending food immediately. Fisk goes on to explain that, when giving constructive criticism, it's important to be careful, as being offensive can be hurtful, damage self-esteem and can make the person defensive rather than open to suggestion. “When giving constructive criticism, it's important to be careful, as being offensive can be hurtful and damage self-esteem.” So, when giving constructive criticism, think carefully about the words you want to use. For example, to tell someone that they're lazy gives them no room for manoeuvre, as does negative statements such as “you could” or “you should”. The critic intends only to help and, if the negative criticism seems unpalatable, then think about why it's being said, as, according to Fisk, not all constructive criticism can be given in a supportive and encouraging manner. • JOIN US! Discover our community, a place for learning and growth • Criticism can sometimes, even when given for the right reasons, make us angry. Instead, we have to learn to use it as a way to improve ourselves. However, sometimes it can be given for the wrong reasons, such as in a mean-spirited way, using unacceptable language, or very personal criticism like ”you're useless at your job” or “the way you dress is not suitable”. Try not to get angry if you're on the receiving end of such negative feedback. Instead, ask the person why they're saying these things rather than taking it as a personal attack. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } 10 ways to give constructive criticism EYN.tv/YouTube It may be that they will go on to point out a piece of work that you did or will explain the necessary dress code, allowing you to then take it as constructive criticism rather than negative feedback. Some people find it very difficult to criticize kindly. However, being tactful, as pointed out in this article by Mind Tools, is something that we have to learn as we go through life. RELATED: How to Show Compassion at Work: 7 Tips When criticism is given, it can be upsetting for some people. This is why it's important to always criticize with kindness, no matter how serious the issue. Criticism can make us feel that we've failed and are not living up to expectations, whether it be in our personal or working life. Either way, the effect can be traumatizing when not given in the correct way. How to criticize constructively, with kindness Be impersonal: talk about actions rather than the individual themselves Don't be on the attack: take a subtle approach Offer positives and specific suggestions for improvements Instead of telling the person that they're wrong, talk about a better approach or solution Criticize in a way that will lead to a meaningful discussion Whilst it's best to criticize kindly, it should also be specific and without reducing someone's self-esteem. Think about what you're saying and how you're saying it, as is cleverly summed up in a quote from American lawyer and politician Frank Clark: “criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.” Learn to criticize with kindness © shutterstock/suteren Portray kindness while being critical The philosopher Daniel Dennett wrote pragmatically about “just how charitable are you supposed to be when criticising the views of an opponent”. Dennett considered the relevancy of this in today’s culture where “everyone is a critic”. Dennett is the author of Intuition Pumps And Other Tools for Thinking which includes a section entitled ‘the dignity and art-science of making mistakes’, where he provides an insight into how to avoid making a fool out of one’s opponent. These rules were originally written by the well-known social psychologist and game theorist Anatol Rapoport. Dennett has summarised them to describe how to compose a successful commentary using constructive criticism: Try to explain your target’s position in such a way that it is clear and fairly said. This way, the response can be, “Thanks, I wish I had thought of putting it that way”. List all the points that you agree with, especially if they're not a part of the general, overall consensus of opinion. Mention anything that you've learned from your target, thus offering encouragement. This leads to another point of understanding the importance of knowing how to criticize constructively. Science recommends that – as the critic – we should be aware of the type of person we are criticizing, helping us to take into account their feelings, actions and emotions. Finally, it's also important to analyze, with subjectivity, your observations, as this will help you to criticize with kindness and to add a solid and fair criteria to your sympathetic, well-meaning constructive criticism. ● Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article on happiness.com, please contact us.

With the world in crisis, now is the perfect time to discover the ancient Tibetan practice of Tonglen meditation, writes Calvin Holbrook. With each in-breath, we take in others’ pain. With each out-breath, we send them relief. As human beings, we usually react to pain and suffering by attempting to avoid it or distance ourselves from it. Instead, we tend to gravitate towards the pleasurable, and the experiences, objects and people who bring us comfort. But what if we reversed that logic and actively welcomed uncomfortable feelings and pain into our lives for a moment? Inviting pain and suffering of ourselves and others is the starting place for Tonglen meditation. And with huge amounts of global suffering present at the moment as a result of COVID-19, political and racial tensions and continued global disparities, now is an appropriate time to learn more about this ancient practice. What exactly is Tonglen meditation? Tonglen is Tibetan and translates as 'giving and taking’. Tong means "giving or sending", and len means "receiving or taking.” Tonglen refers to a meditation practice found in Tibetan Buddhism which is used to awaken compassion. The origins of Tonglen date as far back as the 11th Century. During this era leprosy wreaked havoc, causing many deaths in Tibet. Meditation masters brought Tonglen over from India to help those who were suffering from the disease, and also to heal themselves so they could continue to help others to recover. How does Tonglen meditation work? Tonglen meditation is very much visualization and breath-focused and is used to transform negative energy into positive. With each in-breath during the practice, we visualize taking in the pain and suffering of others. With each exhalation, we send relief and healing light to those people so they can find peace. In a similar vein to loving-kindness meditation, Tonglen breeds greater compassion: we become liberated from selfishness and open up to love for both others and ourselves. Indeed, the aim of Tonglen meditation is to change our attitude towards pain and to open our hearts so we can become more loving as we dissolve the pain that surrounds us. Tongen meditation increases our compassion shutterstock/mimagephotgraphy According to The Tibetan Book of the Dead by Sogyal Rinpoche, Tonglen is effective in countering the restricting and sometimes negative influence of our ego by opening our hearts to those suffering around us without losing ourselves in their personal drama. With distance we are compassionate teachers and observers. RELATED: Tummo Meditation and Breathing: a Guide Tonglen can be practised for those who are ill, those who are dying or have already passed, or those people in pain of any kind. While it can be done as a formal meditation practice (outlined below), we can also practise Tonglen on the spot at any given time: if we’re out and we see a stranger in pain, we can breathe in that person’s suffering and send them relief on exhalation. By practising Tonglen regularly, we start to connect with the open dimension of our being. How to practise Tonglen meditation As just mentioned, you can do Tonglen at any moment. But if you wish to cultivate a more formal Tonglen meditation practise, here are the steps to follow: 1. Flash on Bodhichitta The first step is to rest your mind in a few seconds of openness or stillness. This stage is traditionally known as ‘flashing on absolute bodhichitta’. Bodhicitta is a spontaneous wish to attain enlightenment motivated by great compassion for all beings. 2. Start a visualization and inhale Once prepared, it’s time to visualize the person or people who are suffering.Try to imagine them as possible and feel their pain and distress. Work with texture: as you feel your heart opening in compassion toward them, visualize all of their suffering gathering into a mass of hot, black, heaviness. Breathe it in. Inhale fully, imagining all the negative energy filtering through all the pores of your body. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Pema Chödrön explains Tonglen Meditation YouTube/OMEGA 3. Exhale and spread peace When you exhale with Tonglen meditation, you should aim to breathe out feelings of light, brightness and coolness. Feel positive energy fully, passing through your whole body. Imagine you are passing peace, happiness and well-being to the person in pain. Develop a firm conviction that all of his or her negative karma has been eliminated. Keep breathing in and out in such a way until your visualization is synchronized with your inhalations and exhalations. 4. Expand your compassion Finally, extend your taking in and giving out practice. If you’re doing Tonglen for someone you love who is ill, extend it out to everyone who is in a similar situation. Make it bigger. Furthermore, as with loving kindness meditation, you can also do Tonglen for people you do not have a close connection with or care for – perhaps those that have hurt you or hurt others. Practise Tonglen for them, thinking of them as having the same suffering as your friend or yourself. Breathe in their pain and send peace their way. What are the benefits of Tonglen? Although Tonglen is an important therapeutic tool in Tibetan medicine, in the West, few studies exist regarding the efficacy of this specific meditation – both regarding the benefits to the meditator and those that are being meditated on. While there is an ever expanding body of research on various forms of meditation, research into Tonglen is limited. “Tonglen meditation breeds greater compassion: we become liberated from selfishness and open up to love for both others and ourselves.” Nonetheless, practised regularly, it's safe to say many of the usual benefits of meditation – such as stress relief, reduced anxiety, improved sleep, etc – will apply. In terms of the meditator, the visualization aspect of Tonglen may have advantages as it can lead to a number of cognitive benefits. Repeatedly visualizing scenes or images that evoke positive emotional situations can reinforce the production of brain neurotransmitters associated with positive emotional states, encouraging the pruning of synaptic relationships that are counterproductive to this practice. However, when it comes to the healing properties that Tonglen aims to achieve for those on the receiving end of the positive intemtions, the effects are clearly hard to measure and there is very little clinical evidence to support it to date. RELATED: Meditation for anger – how to calm your rage quickly A 2016 study aimed to evaluate the distant healing effect of Tonglen meditation on stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, and self-perceived quality of life in cancer patients. Just over 100 cancer patients took part, half of which were the subjects of three months of Tonglen meditation from 12 meditators – not know to them. The other half of patients were the control group. Tonglen: take in the negative and give out light Patients were questioned about quality of life and mood during and after treatment. In terms of depression, a statistically significant improvement was found in the treatment group that received Tonglen, suggesting it could make a real difference to how they felt. However, there were no significant findings in the other areas, meaning a more in-depth analysis and evaluation of Tonglen meditation is needed in the future. Tonglen meditation: round-up By practising the Tibetan practice of Tonglen on a regular basis, you can expect your compassion levels to expand naturally over time, as well as benefiting from the usual lifestyle advantages meditation brings. And while there is little scientific evidence to currently back up that Tonglen can improve the pain and suffering of those on the receiving end of it, it can certainly do no harm. Indeed, sending out positive energy to others could only lead to good things. More research is needed in the future to see if such compassionate meditation can really make a difference. ● Main image: shutterstock/sun ok happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Vedic meditation | Mindfulness | Mindful running | 6 phase meditation Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our magazine and is a lover of swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage. Find out more.

We spend hours working alongside our colleagues, and showing compassion in the workplace can help to create real joy and happiness. Arlo Laibowitz speaks with Meysam Poorkavoos about the benefits of a compassionate culture in the workplace. Most of us spend many of our waking hours at work, and as we may know from experience, the work we do and the workplace itself can have an impact on our well-being and mental health. In fact, compassion in the workplace can greatly affect your happiness at work. Unfortunately, according to a lot of research, unhappy workplaces are actually pretty commonplace. Moreover, employees regularly feel under appreciated, disengaged, and believe that employers don't care about their personal struggles. Indeed, around half of all workers in the UK and US claim to be unhappy. RELATED: ‘I Hate My Job!’ Cultivate These 6 Traits and Love Your Work So, imagine a working environment where staff are always understood and supported, appreciated and included, and their professional relationships are built on a base of mutual trust and respect. Sounds great, right? These are all elements that make up a compassionate workplace, which can go a long way in helping to create a happier workplace. What exactly is compassion? First of, let's make sure we understand what compassion is. Compassion is a process involving the ability to be aware of, feel, or perceive another human's pain and to be with them or take action to relieve their suffering. Someone who knows a lot about compassion at work is Meysam Poorkavoos. We spoke with him at the second International Mindfulness & Compassion at Work Summit in Madrid in 2018. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Poorkavoos believes there are three main problems that organisations have when showing compassion in the workplace. Firstly, that they have a non-open culture at work where employees aren't comfortable to share their issues and problems. Secondly, that managers are not really interested in people: they are mainly focused on outcomes, without caring how it's achieved. And thirdly that policies and procedures tend to get in the way, meaning people can't see when staff need support. The benefits for organisations to become more compassionate are many, argues Poorkavoos. “It’s not just people that receive compassion that benefit from it; the people that observe compassion in the workplace also benefit because they see it’s the kind of organization that if they have problems, they will receive help and support,” he says. “And when people feel compassion in their work environment they are better able to deliver a high level of service to their customers.” Compassion in the workplace: 7 top tips If this has inspired you to build more compassion in your own workplace, here are seven easy ways you can start to do just that: 1. Get to know your colleagues better Being part of a team makes people feel like they have a connection with others. Make the time to introduce yourself to others in the workplace – perhaps someone you normally don’t work directly with – and ask them about their life. Try to remember their name and use it again when you next greet them. It will make them feel valued and included. 2. Offer help to a co-worker If you spot that a colleague is struggling with something that you excel in, step in to offer your knowledge and skills. Likewise, if you see a co-worker has a lot on their plate, and you have some free time, offer to take a load off for them. They will be grateful, and showing them that you want to help others will inspire them and make them feel happier. “People that observe compassion in the workplace also benefit because they see it's the kind of organization that if they have problems, they will receive help and support.” You can also do this if you work remotely. Put a shout out in your group chat channels if you have some free time and are available to help others out. 3. Take notice of a colleague’s mental well-being If you notice a change in mood or working ability in a colleague or staff member, consider approaching them to discuss it. Perhaps there's something difficult going on in their personal life that is making them suffer with anxiety and/or depression. Showing that you care is a compassionate act. And if an employee has recently experienced a loss, such as family death or divorce, someone from the company should contact them within 48 hours and offer assistance. RELATED: The 8 Types of Grief Explained 4. Praise employees in front of others Find opportunities to praise colleagues for their hard work and efforts in front of other staff members – you don’t have to be a manager to do this. Showing your appreciation for a co-worker is a great morale booster for them and will encourage others to also share their gratitude for others. Show compassion at work by helping a colleague shutterstock/fizkes 5. Be a compassionate leader or manager Great managers lead and inspire their colleagues through kindness, flexibility, empowerment and support. When staff are treated with compassion they remember it, and are more likely to want to continue working with you because you care. Moreover, having leaders show their own vulnerability can also help to create an atmosphere of safety and trust. RELATED: Mindfulness at Work: 6 Productive Tips 6. Encourage constructive criticism Try to develop an atmosphere of conscious communication in your workplace. Encourage colleagues to engage openly with one another and give feedback through constructive criticism. Workers who openly discuss their feelings and thoughts truthfully may be more likely to work through challenges together. 7. Start with self-compassion As Poorkavoos explains in our video, in order to really show compassion for others, first we must have compassion for ourselves, so learn how to cultivate self-compassion. ● Is your workplace compassionate? Share below! You might be interested in our video interviews with Bodhin Philip Woodward on the impact of mindfulness and compassion in your daily life and our interview with the organizers of co-founders of the summit: Liz Hall and Luis San Martin. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Deep listening | Self Care | Friendship Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

In the first of a three-part series into yoga types, Sienna Saint-Cyr explores yoga for compassion. The poses she practised helped her to release both sadness and stress, and to feel a whole lot happier. Happiness, joy, bliss: these things aren't easy to find or maintain. I've worked for 15 years now at this and only recently realised that being present is the key. But there's still work to be done! Being present is only the first step of many, all of which include being present inside the body too. Not just mentally and emotionally in the moment, but physically as well. Yoga for compassion can help you achieve that. Therapy, openness, and great friends indeed help me maintain joy with my mental and emotional states, but my body is more complicated. I’m still getting used to being present in it and learning to listen when my body needs something is hard. Since I know yoga works well for this, I wanted to explore specific yoga practices like trauma sensitive yoga, designed to bring joy, happiness, compassion, and gratitude. This article marks the first of a three-part series involving yoga for finding happiness (and maintaining it). Rather than do each practice just once, I’m repeating them during different parts of the day and when I'm in varying moods. Compassion yoga The first practice I tried was called 'Compassion Yoga – Yoga With Adriene'. Some of her videos, including the one here below, are free to view on YouTube. This is a one-hour video surrounding yoga for compassion. Since the instructor has the practitioners set their intentions, I set mine for self-compassion. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Release tension and trauma with compassion yoga Self-compassion isn't easy for me. But I was already feeling great, uplifted, and my heart was full of gratitude. So setting my intent for self-compassion seemed the right choice. There were two things I was going to focus on for self-compassion: Keep trying, even when it’s hard Listen to my body Listening to my body is a struggle not only because I tend to push it, but also because when I’m stressed, I carry so much tension in my neck, shoulders and back. It’s distracting, and hard to maintain staying in my place of peace when I’m full of tension. The tightening of my muscles is a clear indication that I need to release something I'm holding onto. It might be an emotional, mental, or physical strain. No matter the source, tension makes me grumpy and pulls me from being present and feeling joy. By listening to my body, this enabled me to focus on my areas of tension. Adriene also asked that we focus on compassion, the highest form of love. Then she asked that we say ‘yes’ to our practice. She wanted us to be present and aware of our movements. Observations and compassion yoga Adriene suggested exploring and to move slowly. Not to rush. What I instantly noticed was that I began paying attention to the spaces between what I thought were the important poses. It was the movements from one position to another that I started to really connect with my body as opposed to just repeating what was on the screen. I found I moved differently than Adriene. “Listening to my body during yoga for compassion enabled me to focus on my areas of tension.” She also kept repeating that she wanted those practising with her to have an experience, not just ‘do yoga’. This changed the nature of what we were doing for me. It gave me the freedom to explore my body and not worry about doing the pose exactly how Adriene did. This was helpful as I have hypermobility and shouldn't do certain poses for health reasons. Downward Dog: making progress! As we moved through the practice, I discovered that poses that historically bothered me — like Downward Dog — weren't so bad. Some of that was me taking my time getting into the pose, and the rest was settling into it. I found so much tension in my back and shoulders released through my hands and feet as I allowed myself to stay in Downward Dog. The burn moving through me was pleasant, like a phoenix burning up all the unwanted energies of my day. Compassion yoga: Warrior One pose Yoga for compassion: staying present We also did what Adriene referred to as holding a beach ball. There were several positions where we held our imaginary beach balls. Some as we sat, other as we stood tall — Mountain Pose — some while in Warrior poses, and I found that this really opened my heart and chest. I was able to breathe deeper and let go of more stress in my upper back and shoulders. One thing I noticed was that I kept smiling, even when the moves were more difficult for me. I was feeling the gratitude in my body, not just thinking it. I felt it move through me like a wave of pleasant energy and that’s what was making me smile and I couldn't stop myself if I’d tried! By the time I finished, my entire body was relaxed. I’d also learned during my practice that I had issues with my knee and hip, something I’d not been aware of before. Taking the time to hold compassion and stay present in my body made a huge difference in my result. “I left the practice full of joy and self-love. I felt euphoric, which isn't something that I've historically felt after yoga.” The second time I did the video, I wasn't in a good place. I’d dealt with some trauma and was genuinely sad. While I still felt grateful for all the goodness in my life and inside me, I was in pain, and it closed off that lovely flow of energy I’d been feeling move from my root chakra up through my crown. Boat pose: great for releasing sadness This time, I entered into the practice with an intention to release the sadness and trauma that had caused my pain. For me, releasing pain and trauma are the highest form of self-love and self-compassion. While I still moved slowly on my second go, because I needed to release emotional build-ups, I stayed in the tougher positions for longer. I kept my body active: my muscles and breathing active. One pose I found particularly helpful when releasing sadness was Boat Pose. I’m not sure why, but it seemed to keep all the parts of my core that like to hold onto trauma engaged. The longer my muscles were involved, the more I released when I left the pose. I also found Cobra pose particularly helpful during my state of sadness. Compassion yoga: Boat Pose When I'm sad and holding onto trauma, it affects my core and heart chakra. So, by opening my chest up and my entire body with Cobra, I was able to feel a lot of the negativity move out through my heart. I felt like a blast of sadness shot from my chest, and it pushed right through my open window and into the earth. After finishing a second time, I’d managed to release the negative emotions I was feeling. I couldn't explain why, though. My inner scientist wanted to understand how the sessions — which seemed to impact me more than shorter sessions I’d done — affected me so positively, even when I came into it full of sadness. Yoga: alleviating depression and sadness According to Science Daily, Boston University School of Medicine carried out a study in 2007 to find out if yoga alleviated depression and sadness. The researchers found that practising yoga may elevate brain gamma-aminobutyric (GABA) levels. GABA is a major neurotransmitter that brain cells use to communicate with each other. People with low levels of GABA often experience depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders that affect happiness. The study included testing 19 subjects. All had their GABA levels tested before their tasks. Eight were sent to do an hour of yoga and 11 sent to read for an hour. After one hour, all the subjects were tested again. Those that read for an hour had no change in their GABA levels. But those who did an hour of yoga experienced an increase in GABA levels. After more research, the team came to the conclusion that an hour of yoga may help alleviate depression and assist with happiness. The study was more comprehensive than my summary here, so I do suggest to check it out fully. Conclusion: yoga for compassion works! My research and experience explained why this compassion yoga video was so much more effective than others I’d done. Each time I came away with a feeling of being high, but still in control of my facilities! It seems that the length of this particular video weighed into my results just as much as my focus on compassion and releasing. While this video is longer than the other two in this series, it's my favourite when I have the hour to complete it. I highly recommend trying Compassion Yoga with Adriene. Be sure to check out part two, Gratitude Yoga! Namaste! ● Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

Telling your kids 'no' often makes them only rebel more. So, what's the best way to deal with curious children when problems arise? Indian spiritual leader KAMLESH D. PATEL aka Daaji says it's time to stop nagging and start guiding... Parenthood isn't always a walk in the park! Here, spiritual leader and parent Daaji shares his advice on how to deal with a couple of common parenting issues, asked by author and educator Anuradha Bhatua. Anuradha Bhatua: Can we speak about the relationship between parents and teenagers? I have two children, and during their adolescence, they always felt, “We are right, mummy and papa are wrong. We are being curbed.” And this is the age when they are rebellious. For everything, the answer is, “No, I will not do it. My friend’s parents let them do this, you don’t let me do it, you are wrong.” And this is also the age when there is a little separation or distance developing between adolescent children and parents. What is your advice on this, and how do you mend this relationship? Daaji: “You cannot manhandle children at that age. If you are too strong they will break. If you are too weak they will become spoilt. The most important thing is how you prepare them for the future from day one. You cannot expect to see a change in them when they have turned 12 or 13. “There is no easy solution. We have to support them to a certain extent, for example, “I don’t mind you going out, but by this time you should come back.” Does that mean they will postpone or pre-pone the activities which are not so good? We don’t know. We have to trust them also. Have confidence that they will not do anything wrong. Be careful, but not too careful “If you constantly nag them and warn them, it frustrates them. Over carefulness from the parents’ side destroys the relationship. Be careful, but don’t show it. Be very subtle, and share stories with them – beautiful stories, inspiring stories. The problem is that we have stopped reading stories to them at bedtime. Even when they are 13, 14, 15 or 18 – why not even when they are at 30 – share a nice story with them. Share a nice joke with them. That will make them think. This rhythm has to be placed in their hearts from a young age. Daaji: “When they are teenagers, an inner awakening is there in them, and they are slowly shifting mentally and emotionally from their dependence on their parents to their own self.” “When children are awake, we can intensify their observational capacity, starting with how a flower blooms, how the stars shine – keep them busy with inspiring things. Let them count the stars. It is a beautiful moment actually. Let them see the leaves changing colors every day. Take the child every day to the same tree or plant and say, 'Look at this tree. We’ll come back tomorrow and we will see the color.' Continuously keep at these activities. Bring a coffee cup, fill it with soil, put some seeds in the soil, and see how new life sprouts. This training in observation that we give right from the beginning is very important.” Use nature and plants to train your children in the powers of observation Guide them in the right direction “Now, all this is up to a certain age. Afterwards we can teach them regularity in life: to wake up early in the morning, how to sit, how to talk, the kind of music to listen to, etc. This rhythm has to be placed in their hearts from a young age. When they are teenagers, an inner awakening is there in them, and they are slowly shifting mentally and emotionally from their dependence on their parents to their own self. They are searching, and they are discovering things. Our job is to guide them in the right direction. “Don’t be bossy. Don’t lecture them. If your child says, 'I want to try this out,' you can say, 'OK, go ahead. Let’s see what happens.' Don’t always be so negative. Don’t always question, ´What were you doing?´ You're putting your child on the defensive. You are teaching them how to lie. You could say instead, 'I wish I had known; I would have picked you up, my son or my daughter.' “Conversation is important, and communication is very important. Joking is the most important thing. Jokes that you used to share with little children do not need to stop as they become teenagers. Story sharing can continue. When you read a profound philosophical message from any source, share it with them with a lot of joy: 'My child, listen to this, how wonderful it is.'” Mistakes happen: don't worry “And when they do something wrong, it's not the end of the world. Children are not stupid. They know that they have made a mistake, but we make it worse by reminding them, 'You see what you have done? I knew you were going to do this.' Then they rebel. They already know that they have made a mistake and feel bad about it; now you're rubbing salt into the wound. “You have to be sympathetic in a very indirect way also. Behave as though you don’t know anything, because their pride is riding high at that time. They don’t want to show their mistakes to the parents whom they adore so much. Indeed, 'I don’t want to let my parents down' is also there. Even though a child may be going haywire, this inner sense is always prevailing. That is why they lie. That is why they hide. Otherwise, if they were so proud of their actions they would do it right in front of you. Their conscience is still active, still alive. Daaji: “Conversation is important, and communication is very important. Joking is the most important thing.” “But there are many parents these days who rear their children according to their desire and passion. So what is your desire, what is your passion, what do you want to create in your child? How are you going to design the destiny of your child? As your children grow, at every age, your approach to them must change. Once those children become adults and marry, they have their own lives, so why interfere? When they come to you, be the best you can be. Give the best you can, but there is no point interfering. Nagging them does not work: 'You must do this; you must not do that.' Don’t give them the chance to say you are stupid.” Educate yourself and embrace change “Also, be ahead of your children at the technological level, at the knowledge level. We stop learning things, and that is why our children are able to say, 'Oh! You don’t even know this!' At least have some idea about certain advancements, and the changes happening in the world. You cannot insulate yourself from the things that are happening. “Changes and trends need not be bad. They can be very ennobling. Now it has become a much freer society I would say, but we are paying a price for it: we are having a war! I mean there is so much boiling and mixing happening, like never before. I don’t think there was ever a period in the history of the human race like today. It is extremely unique. Extremely intense changes are taking place. At a good level there are intense changes, and at a bad level also there are intense changes. And we must help our children to go in the right direction. “Sometimes they make mistakes, and you are watching. Don’t let them go too far. Keep on showing them sensitively and sensibly about the perils, but not by becoming negative. Then they realise, 'My mom or my papa told me that, but I didn’t listen.' And when such things happen a few times they will have the confidence that, 'They are more experienced than me. Now it's time to listen.' Advise your children but be prepared to let them make mistakes too. “This can happen only when you give them the freedom to do certain things. Let them make mistakes. Let them understand on their own that you advised them correctly. Slowly they will have more confidence that, 'My parents are wise.' Of course, it's not always universal, as exceptions are always there in life situations, but by and large, respect will be greater when you don’t interfere. “You have to be very indirect. You have to play your role in such a way that children don’t feel that you're influencing them in any way. Always be guided by your heart. When you meditate, you will receive the guidance: 'This is what I should be doing or not doing.' Anuradha Bhatua: “Some parents I know were distraught because they found out their teenage son had started smoking and drinking with his friends, and there was a showdown. How does one handle that situation?” Daaji: “Give some level of liberty to your child. Smoking is not the end of the world. Drinking is also not the end of the world. It's not that you're giving them freedom to do all these things, but at times you have to let children learn certain lessons on their own by making mistakes. When you see that he or she is smoking, find some funny stories or movies depicting the negative effects of such a bad habit and share it with them. There is a lot of information available on drugs, drinking, etc. Provide it to them. “Help your children face peer pressure in doing or not doing certain things with their friends. Peer pressure kills them. We have to help them remove the guilt that develops because of such peer pressure. We have to give them the confidence that, “You have the ability to say ‘no’ to certain things. Use your wisdom; guide your friends. They can be foolish but you are wiser. If you go ahead and do it, see the impact of it on your physical system and mental system. “If they still insist, go ahead and give them the freedom. Tell them, 'I will buy you a carton of cigarettes, but see for yourself how it affects your studies and your physical well-being.' Show them all the negative things that can happen because of such indulgence. Daaji: “We have to give them the confidence that, 'You have the ability to say “no” to certain things.' Use your wisdom; guide your friends. They can be foolish but you are wiser.” “I remember in the 80s, when my boys were born one after the other, I used to get a newsletter on how to raise children. The number one suggestion was, 'Never say, “Do this” directly.' It's a beautiful suggestion, beautiful advice. Never force a child and say, 'You must sleep now.' Instead, say something like, 'Let’s make a rule: it's nine o’clock. When this hand comes to this number you must sleep because the clock says so.' Children understand all that. Afterwards, as they grow, they argue differently, and that's a different matter, but when they are young it's a matter of training. Don’t teach them the art of rebelling from an early age. Let them blame the clock!” ● Interviewed by ANURADHA BHATIA. Images: colourbox.com This article was first published in Heartfulness magazine. The copyright is owned by Sahaj Marg Spirituality Foundation and it's reproduced here with kind permission. Other articles by the author and similar articles can be accessed at http://www.heartfulnessmagazine.com Written by Kamlesh Patel Kamlesh Patel is the world teacher of Heartfulness, and the fourth spiritual Guide in the Sahaj Marg system of Raja Yoga. He oversees Heartfulness centers and ashrams in over 150 countries, and guides the thousands of certified Heartfulness trainers who are permitted to impart Yogic Transmission under his care. Known to many as Daaji, he is also an innovator and researcher, equally at home in the inner world of spirituality and the outer world of science, blending the two into transcendental research on the evolution of consciousness. Building on the insights of his first Guide, Ram Chandra of Shahjahanpur, he is expanding our understanding of the purpose of human existence to a new level, so necessary at this pivotal time in human history.

Self-acceptance can be difficult, especially when we compare ourselves to others. But knowing your strengths and being happy with your flaws has real benefits. Arlo Laibowitz answers the question 'what is self-acceptance?' and shares 12 tips to help develop your self-love. Self-acceptance, self-love and improvement. It sounds like a great idea to strengthen our skills and habits. But, in fact, it can have a negative impact on us if we're constantly asking ourselves what we should do or should be all the time. Often, our inner critic makes a judgement that we're not good enough, and we don’t accept ourselves as we are at that moment. That can be a problem, because one of the most significant factors to be happy and to feel satisfied with life is self-acceptance. OK, what is self-acceptance exactly? Self-acceptance is: The awareness of your strengths and weaknesses The realistic appraisal of your talents, capabilities, and worth The feeling of satisfaction with your self, despite flaws and regardless of past choices Benefits of self-acceptance include: Mood regulation A decrease in depressive symptoms, the desire to be approved by others, fear of failure, and self-critique An increase in positive emotions, sense of freedom, self-worth, autonomy, and self-esteem .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } X Watch and learn: learn self-love and accepting yourself How to practise self-acceptance? Check out the video above and read below for 12 clear steps to being able to truly accept ourselves: 1. Become self-aware and set an intention Recognize your thoughts, feelings and pain, welcome them, and separate yourself from them. Then set the intention that you're willing to accept yourself in all aspects. 2. Celebrate your strengths And accept your weaknesses. Thinking about your strengths, ask yourself a few key questions: what are the traits that always earn you compliments? What areas of work do you excel at? What are your unique talents? Making a list of your strengths and past achievements and re-reading them when you are having an off moment is a great way to practise self-acceptance. “Making a list of your strengths and achievements and re-reading them when you're having an off moment is a great way to practise self-acceptance.” Also, add to the list whenever possible. Instead of focuses on failures or mistakes (which is normal), replace that negative thought with a positive one about when you achieved something. 3. Consider the people around you In recognizing positive and negative reinforcement, and practicing your sense of shared humanity, for instance, through loving-kindness meditation. This is one of the key steps of practicing radical self care – a lifestyle of making choices that honor our true selves and nurture our authenticity. 4. Create a support system Surround yourself with people that accept you and believe in you – and avoid those that don't. Indeed, quality relationships are key to happiness and acceptance of self. In a landmark 75-year, multigenerational study, Robert Waldinger measured happiness levels in people from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. The most joyful were those with high-quality social connections. Friend focus: surround yourself with people that accept you for you 5. Forgive yourself This can be a tough one to conquer, but learning to move on from past regrets and accepting that you were the best possible you at that moment is a key step to self-acceptance. Indeed, even if we’ve become pretty good about being able to forgive others, self-forgiveness seems to be much more difficult. • STRUGGLING TO ACCEPT YOURSELF? Join our community and find support • So, in order to forgive ourselves, we first need to admit to ourselves that we made a mistake. Take ownership and acknowledge your error — then, try to retain what you learned from the event but release everything else (here's how to stop ruminating over things you cannot change). Try to appreciate those missteps for what they actually are: a stepping stone on your life path. Also, remind yourself that mistakes and failures are part of being human. In fact, it’s how we learn and grow. 6. Realize that acceptance is not resignation Acceptance is letting go of the past and things we cannot control. You can then focus on what you can control, and empower yourself further. 7. Quiet your inner critic And stop rating yourself against others. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy,” and today this rings truer than ever. One way is to try to avoid scrolling endlessly through social media channels and comparing your life to that of others. Remember, people only tend to present and project the positive images of their lives – you never really know how people are feeling behind the scenes. 8. Grieve the loss of unrealised dreams Perhaps you've found yourself in a job you don't enjoy, an area you never wanted to live in, or single when you’ve always dreamed of being settled with a partner. Whatever it is, we often wonder what dreams are worth holding onto and whether, in fact, it's time to just let go. “One of the most significant factors to be happy, and overall feel satisfied with your life, is self-acceptance.” And when it is time to let go, it's not always easy. For some of these plans, giving them up can lead to freedom. But for other unrealized dreams, there can be deep grief involved. Whatever your situation, realize that letting go of unrealized dreams doesn't stop you dreaming of new situations and aspirations for your future! Reconcile who you are with the ideal image of your youth or younger self and grab hold of what's coming next. RELATED: The 8 types of grief explained 9. Perform charitable acts Give to others through volunteering and recognize how you can help and make a difference in others’ lives. The benefits of kindness are scientifically proven and both mental and physical. 10. Speak to your highest self The inner voice that has compassion, empathy, and love, to others, and to yourself. Follow our 12 steps and learn how to practice self-acceptance 11. Be kind to yourself Cultivate self-compassion, in not judging yourself, or over-identifying with self-defeating thoughts or behaviour. Take care of your mind and body. 12. Keep believing in yourself Use positive self-talk and practice PERT: Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique when times are tough. The path to self-acceptance can be rough and bumpy. There will be times that current external circumstances, past experiences, and our programming make it hard or impossible to accept ourselves. If this happens, there's no shame in seeking help – from a loved one or a professional – when things get too hard. In the end, the greatest gift you can give yourself is self-acceptance. In the words of psychologist Tara Brach: “Imperfection is not our personal problem – it is a natural part of existing. The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” By learning how to practice self-acceptance and self-love, we can learn to live with our imperfections and be truly free and happy. ● Main image: mimagephotography/shutterstock happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Self-Care | Acceptance | Letting go | Compassion Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Some people resist compassionate support from others. Here’s why — and what they can do about it. By Emiliana R. Simon-Thomas, science director of the Greater Good Science Center. What gets in the way of compassion? Many of us aspire to be more compassionate in our own lives, and to build a more compassionate society. In doing so, we work hard to overcome barriers that keep us from being motivated to help those around us — the overwhelm, apathy, and divisions. But we don’t often think about the obstacles that might keep someone from comfortably receiving compassion. Yet research suggests that some people actually fear becoming the targets of compassion, and it may be hurting their mental health. Here’s why some of us resist help — and what we can do to open ourselves up to compassion from other people. What’s scary about compassion? A recent study published in the journal Mindfulness explores how the fear of receiving compassion can affect people’s behavior in difficult times. Researchers surveyed 85 female undergraduates from a large Canadian university about compassion-avoidance, measured in statements like, “If I think someone is being kind and caring to me, I put up a barrier.” Those who reported being more afraid of compassion also said they were less likely to share their struggles with friends and family. Why should this be a problem? Social support in times of distress helps us cope with and recover from life’s difficult moments. On a practical level, support can help us resolve or correct the circumstances that lead to the difficulties in the first place. One nationwide study found that lack of social support increases vulnerability to psychological disorders and disease, and imposes a risk factor to physical health greater than a lifetime smoking habit. Supportive friends and family also put the brakes on excessive self-criticism. We rely on others to remind us that we are safe, important, and promising — a critical aspect of coping. In fact, studies by the University of Derby’s Paul Gilbert have shown that self-criticism in combination with fear of compassion puts people at a markedly greater risk of depression. Other research suggests that people who have a greater fear of receiving compassion tend to suppress their emotional responses to difficult experiences, a habit that is tied to cardiovascular risk and alexithymia: a diminished capacity to recognize emotions within oneself and in other people. Finally, fear of receiving compassion has been tied to lower mindfulness, a characteristic associated with myriad benefits to health and well-being. Given the benefits, why do some people resist receiving compassion? Some worry that the other person will not respond supportively; they’ll reject or dismiss the issue. The situation may also arouse a nascent distress that comes from a person’s formative childhood memories of being ignored or treated with hostility, rather than compassion. For example, some research suggests that people who recall their parents as less warm have a greater fear of receiving compassion. “Social support in times of distress helps us cope with and recover from life’s difficult moments.” Even if support is offered, it may feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even painful to be under the spotlight of compassion. Receiving compassionate support may challenge a person’s sense of alignment with social or cultural norms around keeping a stoic grip on one’s emotions, or being seen as individually self-sufficient, “together,” or “low-maintenance.” Receiving compassion inherently involves an acknowledgment of personal vulnerability, which may make it harder to “hold it together” or (if things get emotional) add shame to the equation. Some may also avoid feeling like a burden, obliging others to waste their precious time and energy. Finally, some people are less inclined to talk about personally humiliating or defeating experiences — times that feel like proof of our absolute failure. For them, disclosing these feelings feels too risky; they fear that sharing personal difficulties is more likely to worsen, rather than improve, how they feel. Do any of these reasons sound familiar to you? Keep reading. The healing power of self-compassion The Mindfulness study identified one way to reduce the fear of compassion from others: kindness toward yourself. The researchers asked participants to write a paragraph about a personally unpleasant experience, one that they remembered as humiliating and shameful, for ten minutes. They were randomly split into three groups. Researchers told the first to think about their experience self-compassionately. Self-compassion involves relating to our own difficult experiences from the outside looking in, extending kindness and support towards ourselves as we might toward a grieving friend. The second group was instructed to think about preserving their own self-esteem as they wrote. The last could write freely, exploring and describing their experience in detail. “Other research suggests that people who have a greater fear of receiving compassion tend to suppress their emotional responses to difficult experiences, a habit that is tied to cardiovascular risk and alexithymia.” Participants rated how “upset” and “distressed” they felt before and after this writing exercise. The result? Those who practiced self-compassion seemed to feel better. The self-compassionate writing decreased bad feelings even more among participants with a high fear of compassion, compared to the self-esteem and free-writing approaches. This suggests that writing about a difficult personal experience through a self-compassionate lens may be more emotionally restorative than other approaches, including trying to preserve self-esteem or just letting it all out. Could self-compassion also help people reach out for support, despite their fear of receiving compassion? After the first exercise, researchers asked participants to write something else: a letter about their difficult experience, which they would ultimately share with another participant whom they had never met. Afterward, researchers claimed, participants would be paired up to exchange letters and discuss their experiences together. Before writing the letters, participants reported how risky it felt, in that moment, to share their story. (Despite this forewarning — perhaps as a welcome surprise — the experiment ended at this point: no actual discussion occurred.) In general, the more fearful participants were, the riskier it felt to write and share the letter. But for participants in the self-compassion group, that link diminished. Thus, self-compassion not only lessened participants’ negative feelings in the moment, but also made a subsequent opportunity for self-disclosure seem less risky. “Moreover, as self-compassion has been linked to feeling more secure and connected to others within one’s social world, practicing self-compassion might have led these individuals to feel safer, less threatened, and thereby more trusting of others, loosening the connection between their fears and the perceived risks associated with self-disclosure,” the researchers wrote. To reduce fears around receiving compassion, people who are willing may also benefit from training in offering compassion to others. As former Greater Good Science Center postdoctoral fellow Tristin Inagaki’s 2016 study shows, compassion decidedly rewards the giver, too. For others, treatments like Compassion-Focused Therapy may be the best approach. The bottom line: graciously receiving compassion is a skill, one well worth developing. ● Stop beating yourself up for flaws and mistakes. Try this self-compassion letter from Greater Good In Action Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu