My Story: To be not neurotypical

[Ge****]

Content notes:

• Depression
• Mental illness / sickness
• Neurodiversity

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In an another topic I wrote that I want (maybe) wrote about "people like me".  It's time to evolve the "maybe" to "done. English is not my native language and I hope you won't get bloody eyes if you reading this topic.

My Story: How am I?

Meanwhile I'm 35 years old. I was born in a ... problematic family with many addicitons. Drugs, alcohol, gambling.
In comparison to many other people, I can remembering my childhood very well. I know exactly how I was as a child. But ... I don't know why.

I didn't liked nearness with some exceptions (my grandma as example). I was an very introvert, anxious, and inside me, very angry,  child and mostly very calm on the outside. So calming, that my mother thought I'm dead to feeding times. Even in elementary school I'd rather be by myself. I don't wanted friends in my age. I was better in talking with adults (teachers as example). Other children wasn't my ... target group. They didn't understood me.
Since I can think I didn't liked longer eyecontact. It's very uncomfortable to me.
I'm very sensitive to noises. Too much voices in a meeting simultaniously, or if someone handling a bag of chips make me very, very angry. I try to suppress it and it works. But I think, it's not good for me. Changes in my daily life are horrible. A small example: My mother decided, when I was in the 5th grade of elementary school, to move to an another district from today to tomorrow. Until then I was a very good student. Good in all main school subjects. Not so good in art, handwriting and sports. After than .... I felt down in everything. Bad grades in nearly every school subject and came never back.

And now to my brain

 

It's a chaotic room with 100 audio books which all playing simultaniously. Some of them are very loud. I try to sort them but it happens very rarely. I tried everything to calm it down. Meditation. Reading. Art. Nothing helps. The more I try to suppress it, the less it helped. If something change massively my daily routine ... my energylevel is sinking to the bottomless.
And my emotionlevel is .... just negative. I can mention every negative emotion. But no positive ones. I can mention tone downs of negative emotions. But no positiv raisings. My definition of Love is different to the other people.
I have no butterflies in my tummy. Or an excitement. Love is for me, if I can endure a person in my near without the person is annoying me just with their presence. And this is .... rare.
Meanwhile I deal with it. Why?

Some years ago I started to investigate of my behaviors and I started to deal with myself. Befor I missed courage to do that. I made some serious tests and got a temporary answer. Maybe I'm an autist or something similar. Okay. But my courage was gone so I pushed it in front of me. And now ... I want to know more. because my negative emotions are longer lasting and I think I need more knowledge about my atypical behavior and maybe there is some help or medication to suppress the negativity a bit.

People like me are not patient enough for "doing nothing" or "meditation".

Todays experience:

I chatted with someone who critized my blog in general. And I'm fine with it. But it was a very uncomfortable conversation. He criticized typos and that my thoughts sometimes Jumping in the middle of my texts. I understand that it's not easy to read this sometimes. But I think, it's my blog and I can publish things without any control of others. It was a bit hard to mediate for me and I had the feeling to justify myself and my doings.
I would waste my energy to explain what isn't possible. It felt a bit that he thinks I would lying. And my Blog is my space to deflate my head. If I would wait on testreaders or correctors, so that fits in every reading style, my head would explode. Why we have to justify our decisions even in a personal blog? I think the person understood it now. But it was a very exhausting conversation. And I know the person didn't meant this in a negative way.

Was was the goal of this text?

I know it's very easy to say "It's the egos fault that meditation doesn't works". And It's easy to say "Do something nice if you have bad thoughts", "Go outside and enjoy the sun". "Feel hugged", "better times are coming" and so on and on and on........
It's so tiring to hear that phrases. And I know they're well-meant and I appreaciate it. But ... I want to sensitize people, that this isn't helpful. And if someone speaks against this or doesn't do this what you say: It's not meant badly. But with talkings like this, many of us getting annoyed. Suggest doings for Hobbies. Like drawing. It may not work, but it's better than phrases. And "Go outside" is not really a hobby.

I live in Germany and here is it hard at the moment to get a diagnostic. In my city I've to wait 3-4 years. YEARS. And as long I don't have a diagnostic to my behavior, I'll will fight for everyone who have one, or even didn't have one and not taken seriously if the person says "I can't because my head didn't allow this". And mostly I'll fight for acceptance of this persons opinion and sayings. Even without a mental illness I would fight.
I want to clarify, that people like me tried so many things to be "normal" and many things of this, hurt us because the brain wants something different. If you meet persons like me, be more understanding or be curious and ask "Why not" and don't getting mad if the person won't talking about this.

The End

So. I scratched a bit on the Cover and hope I could help to understand me .... and people like me whose definition of happiness is a bit different to the generality.
Thank you for your attention and reading this bulk of text.

[su****]

You are, who you are and from what I read about you, I like, who you are.

If you like writing down your thoughts in a blog and it helps you, don't let anyone take this from you.

After all the most important person in your life should be you. So as long as you don't harm someone with your blog,  intolerant poeple are not worth a discussion.

 

Discussing with stupid people is like playing chess with a chicken. In the end it will knock over the board anyway.

I felt a little similar in school. Boys were talking about soccer/football, girls were talking about clothes and make-up and I felt like an adult in a group of monkeys. No offense to other people, they all may have a nice personality but this is how I felt at the time.
So I only had a few friends and since I skipped a grade in school I always was a year behind in terms of age, which seperated me from others even more. Fortunately there was no bullying but I always felt like the younger and weaker guy. So I spent a lot of time thinking about how to be normal, how to be strong, how to be successful, how to be respected and about what strength and success even means.

 

Thoughts like:
Other people of my age are strong because they go to the gym. Should I be worried about people who are physically stronger than me?
On the one hand, they would probably win a physical fight. On the other hand, physical fights are stupid because you either go to the hospital or to jail. So there is not really a point in being a good fighter.

Maybe that's a loser's point of view, but I'm okay with losing a fight if it means to be a winner in life.

 

Now after a lot of work and thinking, I finally reached what I call success. It was a long way and I felt lost at times and maybe I can give others some hope and confidence to find their way.

[Ch****]

Your story is inspirational. 👏
Never feel shame to share thoughts with anyone no matter by Blog or verbal.
You are now living like a hero. That story is reflecting such message. Only such life people makes history. I know real examples. 👍
Always remember life is not to give answer of own problems to others. Others only demands. Be a solvers of own life and such blog will help you to recover and feel better.
We are here to give you support after give hand in your shoulder. 🤗

[Ge****]

After cleaning the board now I can answer here.

Thanks for the kind feedback.

19 hours ago, suedseefrucht said:

You are, who you are and from what I read about you, I like, who you are.

If you like writing down your thoughts in a blog and it helps you, don't let anyone take this from you.

 

I will. And if I made typos, or thought jumps, anyone who read this has to be fine with it or stop reading my sh*t.

 

Quote

On the other hand, physical fights are stupid because you either go to the hospital or to jail.

AMEN. I fully pacifist in real life (sometimes I play games where i've to figt xD). Violence is never an option. Not for me.

 

Quote

Now after a lot of work and thinking, I finally reached what I call success.

I wish I could say this. But I never felt "success". I see "Oh. I got my gradiation. Fine" or "oh. I published my first book *slightly ... very slightly excited*. Fine." and so on. Especially if the most things going down after a while.

 

 

8 hours ago, ChandanSingh said:

Your story is inspirational. 👏
Never feel shame to share thoughts with anyone no matter by Blog or verbal.
You are now living like a hero. That story is reflecting such message. Only such life people makes history. I know real examples. 👍
Always remember life is not to give answer of own problems to others. Others only demands. Be a solvers of own life and such blog will help you to recover and feel better.
We are here to give you support after give hand in your shoulder. 🤗

Thank you. I never feel ashamed of things I write or say. Mostly my words are chosen wisely or at least very hones. But without help I can't solve my life directly. I just want to know what is this with my head. But I working on it .... I search for diagnostic appointments. Maybe in 1 year. Maybe in 2. Maybe in 4. Who knows. Until then I try to keep my head up.

[wa****]

@Gerry

I do find some autistic folks tend to have similar behavior. And in one case, a young teen in a train was trying to trip anyone that passed in front of him, where he sits. He was trying to look for fun. His mom gave up on him and simply chosen to close her eyes to behave sleeping. Even strong man was not spared from his tricks and almost wanted to beat him up. The man gave up after realizing the teen's condition. I could sense the compassion in the man, even though his body was agitated. I couldn't understand why would someone do this just for pure fun, without a hint of compassion for others. Then, as usual, I mentally probed into his heart. Not that I wanted to change him, but I just wanted to echo his heart to its original nature. To my shocking, I realized deep inside him, it was just pure sadness, without a moment of break. Personally I think he was in hell, and hence he was desperately seeking for fun or simply the happiness that his heart lacks. During this period, the teen noticed me and tried to give me a frightening look to instill fear in me. For a person that could mediate with his eyes wide opened, this is not an issue to me. I continued the echoing until I've reached my station. And by then, tears were seeping out of the teen eyes and he had tried hard to look away. When I was about to leave, to my next shock, I realized I was badly drained. For the next 200 metres, I had problem walking and struggled to walk to the exit gate.

In my opinion, I don't think anyone in such condition could do much for themselves. Suppressing their own mind will be a hopeless fight, for there might be too much negative energy for a person to cope. Probably repent is a better thing to do. Not seeking a target to repent, but constantly dwelling in that feeling of repent. Occasionally I'll do this repent to humble myself as well.

Even though I know it could be extremely draining for me, I continued to use this "echoing" technique on people having problem to control their emotions; especially on young children, down to toddler. It worth the suffering in me to gave them a sense of comfort, compassion and security. And I realized it much better to start young, before there is too much things to clear.

[Ge****]

3 minutes ago, waihong said:

@Gerry

I do find some autistic folks tend to have similar behavior. And in one case, a young teen in a train was trying to trip anyone that passed in front of him, where he sits. He was trying to look for fun. His mom gave up on him and simply chosen to close her eyes to behave sleeping. Even strong man was not spared from his tricks and almost wanted to beat him up. The man gave up after realizing the teen's condition. I could sense the compassion in the man, even though his body was agitated. I couldn't understand why would someone do this just for pure fun, without a hint of compassion for others. Then, as usual, I mentally probed into his heart. Not that I wanted to change him, but I just wanted to echo his heart to its original nature. To my shocking, I realized deep inside him, it was just pure sadness, without a moment of break. Personally I think he was in hell, and hence he was desperately seeking for fun or simply the happiness that his heart lacks. During this period, the teen noticed me and tried to give me a frightening look to instill fear in me. For a person that could mediate with his eyes wide opened, this is not an issue to me. I continued the echoing until I've reached my station. And by then, tears were seeping out of the teen eyes and he had tried hard to look away. When I was about to leave, to my next shock, I realized I was badly drained. For the next 200 metres, I had problem walking and struggled to walk to the exit gate.

In my opinion, I don't think anyone in such condition could do much for themselves. Suppressing their own mind will be a hopeless fight, for there might be too much negative energy for a person to cope. Probably repent is a better thing to do. Not seeking a target to repent, but constantly dwelling in that feeling of repent. Occasionally I'll do this repent to humble myself as well.

Even though I know it could be extremely draining for me, I continued to use this "echoing" technique on people having problem to control their emotions; especially on young children, down to toddler. It worth the suffering in me to gave them a sense of comfort, compassion and security. And I realized it much better to start young, before there is too much things to clear.

Sounds very interesting. I have a good control of my (negative) emotions. I suppress them mostly. Your described person seams high grade autistic. It's sad to read that there mother give up on him. My mother had try to control me and because I'm anxious I followed her. So the persons are different.

IDK if I'm an autist. I try to find out.

Thorugh my cardreadings I learned that I'm very clairvoyant. Maybe it's similar to your talent?

[su****]

3 hours ago, Gerry said:

I wish I could say this. But I never felt "success".

Why is that? Did other things pull you down at the times? Or what kind of success are you looking for?

My goal for my current age was to get a good job and a girlfriend and it really took off some pressure when I finally made it.
 

What's your goal? Maybe you are already successful but you just didn't notice. Sometimes it helps to become aware of all the things you already accomplished and to be proud of yourself.

[Ge****]

In facts yes I can see success. But in feeling. I can’t. Maybe it’s because my positive emotions fits on a small version of a teaspoon.

Atm my goal is to get diagnosed. Other goals … sadly idk. My head is full of the problems for people like me here. Maybe the setup of my small spiritual business which I moved into next year because of my problems atm.

[Tine]

On 5/7/2022 at 7:24 PM, suedseefrucht said:

Maybe you are already successful but you just didn't notice.

This combined with the theme of trying to fit in really touched me. 

I wonder how much time, life, love, opportunity is wasted by trying to be "normal", to not make mistakes, ...

 

I think my efforts to avoid, deflect and hide mistakes in the end caused more suffering in myself and others than making mistakes, being accountable for them, wholeheatedly learning from them and making up for them.

 

I also like the question about the personal goals and definition of happiness. I keep investigating and journaling around that for years already.