Ex best friend

[Lola-6866]

Hi all.

 

 

I have quite a bit of a story so maybe you can help me out as I am not sure anymore what to think.

 

 

I  have had a “best friend” Lisa since I was about 10 (I am now 35). We grew up together, went to the same schools, did everything together basically! Very close you could say. She was always my first port of call for everything and I for her, we supported each other greatly over the years, although when I look back on it now, it seems that it was mostly me doing much of the work, but she wasn’t totally leaving it up to me either. Maybe I just had more time on my hands, who knows. She is slightly narcissistic and also had been recently diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder around 4 years ago or so. This ties into my story, if you read further:

Obviously things change as  you get older but I don’t know if this fits into the category of ‘life’s changes’. Bear with me as this is a little complex. 

 

I was seeing a lad for a while, it was mostly sex, and I eventually (long story short here) became a victim of revenge porn by him and his friends. They were harassing me constantly online and I remember feeling the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt during this period, as well as trauma. I have been through therapy because of this and am ok with this issue now. What I mean is, I now know how better to manage the symptoms of trauma.

 

My best friend at the time refused to talk to me about any of this when it was happening and told me she “didn’t have the tools necessary” to help me out. She told me she thinks that I made the whole revenge porn scenario up and that nobody was harassing me online and that I was delusional. This baffled me at the time, and hurt immensely. Why would I make this up? I also had proof which she refused to look at and just kept calling me delusional. To me at the time, despite feeling overwhelmingly hurt, put it down to her new anxiety disorder diagnosis. She told me also that she was “setting boundaries” with me and didn’t want to talk to me about the issue anymore.

 

She then got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed, she then demanded the entire wedding party fly to the south of France in the space of 4 months for her wedding for an entire week. At the time, I just couldn’t get the time off (new healthcare role, quite important that I stayed that week in particular) so offered that I come for the weekend only. She told me this was unacceptable, starting calling me delusional and a liar telling her I would be her bridesmaid, then withdrew the offer. She hung up the phone screaming at me telling me that I should be prioritising her as her best friend of 20 years. I remained totally silent.

 

We smoothed things out to some degree and I did end up going to her wedding for a weekend as a guest. She ignored me while she was sober and kept mentioning another friend as her best friend in all the speeches, ok. Later on that evening she got really drunk and came over to me to tell me she loved me etc. However, after her wedding, I still decided to step back a little to see what would happen, as I often feel like I am the one putting in all the work. Needless to say, I only heard from her again on my birthdays over the last 2 years. She never called, never texted, never invited me to her subsequent parties, and I did and said nothing.  This all happened about 2 years ago. 

 

I began to stop making the effort really and muted her online. I did deal with what my ex did to me in therapy, but maybe I should have dealt with this too. She has been on my mind again because I logged into facebook and saw that she had been liking photos of us at 3am. Then she randomly blocked me.

 

I guess I’m asking for advice here. I know I stopped making an effort and she didn’t make one back either. I was going through a traumatic experience, was I wrong to try to talk to my friend about it? Why was this her reaction? Was she ever my friend at all? Why can’t I get her off my brain? 

 

 

Any advice welcome 

[Lizzie]

Thank you for sharing this situation here, friendships can sometimes be a lot more complicated than romantic relationships and I think most of us have gone through hurtful episodes with friends.

To try and answer your questions, I think you did nothing wrong by trying to talk to your friend about this traumatic experience. She then had the choice on how she responded to that, which was not the love and support you needed from her. I think it's one thing to set a boundary and say something like "I'm so sorry you're going through this, but at the moment I'm not capable of fully being there". However, I don't think it's okay to call someone 'delusional' or suggest that they 'made it up'. 

It's hard for me to say why she reacted that way, or whether she was ever a real friend to you. Perhaps she was at one point. Sometimes a good friendship that maybe should have ended sooner, gets dragged on for years only based on the fact that 'we've always been friends' - even though there is not much love or interest left. 

I think, maybe she is on your brain because you feel that you have unresolved issues with her, and are questioning the friendship in general. It can definitely be worth talking to someone professional about this too, it sounds like the friendship with her was toxic at times, and you might need help to process it. We can't always get 'closure' with a person, but rather need to try and get it with ourselves. ? Sending you a hug and lots of positive energy! ?

[Lola-6866]

Thanks so much. It was totally bizarre of her to just call me “delusional”, and then demand I go to her wedding at the drop of a hat. You’re right. Just hurt feelings I have never really dealt with. 
 

I guess I have better friends. My relationship with her was mostly one-sided a lot of the time. I’ll never forget the time she kissed my boyfriend when we were 17 because SHE was feeling down about hers. You know, that kind of person? Maybe the friendship should have ended then. It really became obvious when I needed her help. It really was just me making all the effort.

Wow, seeing it in black and white really puts it into perspective!

[Lizzie]

Sometimes it does help to write it down or tell it out loud - it makes it more real and it makes you see it with new perspective. In situations with problematic friendships or relationships I also try and think "what advice would I give if it was a friend / family member who was going through this?" It is definitely easier said than done, but it also helps to see things a bit more clearly. ?

[Cheerfullness]

Sometimes people don't know what their losing, until they already lost it. I know how it feels to be mistreated by a friend that wasn't really my friend , but it took time to get over, of course. I just wish I saw what was really going on. Don't worry you will find amazing, true friends before you know it. You can't hang in the past it just taints the future. You will make it! Just know you will be okay because you are strong.

[Lola-6866]

Thank you. I too wish I knew what was going on. Ah, the follies of youth. I see my boyfriend and how he is with his friends and how they treat him and I think, wow, I’ve never had friends like that. They treat him so well and would do anything for him, and he does for them. I think this is what makes me sad. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have known so many good people, I wish I could have seen things clearly when I was younger!

[Cheerfullness]

Just you wait you will find that one true friend. That friend will help you through anything. No matter what.  You see, when I met my bestie she and I just automatically clicked. You will understand. 

[Lola-6866]

Thanks Rosie. Xx

[Cheerfullness]

You're welcome!