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Energy vampires drain your emotional reserves and disrupt your mental peace. Sonia Vadlamani explains how to identify these emotionally taxing individuals and offers practical ways to protect your energy. Sometimes, spending time with certain people can leave you feeling completely exhausted – like you’ve just run a marathon. That heavy, worn-out feeling you carry after meeting someone may not be just your imagination. Chances are, you encountered an energy vampire. What is an energy vampire? Energy vampires are people who suck the energy from you – in one-on-one conversation or in social situations – leaving you emotionally depleted. While this isn’t always intentional, they tend to exploit your inclination to listen and care, taking far more from you than they can give in return. Recognizing emotional vampires and protecting yourself from their influence is essential to maintaining emotional and mental well-being. Energy suckers: energy vampires leave you drained How can you tell if someone is an emotional vampire? Identifying an energy vampire often starts with a gut feeling. When trying to recognize one, pay close attention to how you feel during and after interacting with them. Look for the subtle cues – if a simple conversation leaves you emotionally exhausted or you find yourself strategically avoiding someone so you can preserve your energy, those are both signs of an energy vampire. “Energy vampires are people who suck the energy from you – in one-on-one conversation or in social situations – leaving you emotionally depleted” Energy vampires can be deceptively friendly and charming, and you may not be able to pinpoint why interactions with them seem to deplete you emotionally. You may find yourself dreading a chance encounter or dodging events just to avoid them, and the inexplicable fear of encountering them is your emotional radar warning you to steer clear of their toxic influence. Signs you are being affected by an energy vampire Identifying an emotional energy drainer can be tricky at first, but being aware of a shift in your feelings and patterns can help. Some warning signs can include: Feeling anxious and inexplicable dread over the prospect of meeting someone Abrupt mood fluctuations and sudden irritability Avoiding activities and hobbies that you typically enjoy Making incessant excuses to get out of social situations and declining invitations frequently Feeling nervous or walking on eggshells while around them How do I protect myself from energy vampires? Identifying the emotional vampires around you is the first step toward shielding yourself from them. Here are a few ways to safeguard your emotional reserves: 1. Learn to say NO Saying “no” isn’t rude or alienating – it’s often a form of radical self-care. In fact, we often overestimate the ramifications of declining an invite, according to a 2023 report published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. According to Dr. Julian Givi, co-author of the study and a consumer behavior expert: “Saying no to invitations is an important, but challenging, aspect of people’s social lives. People are busy, and social commitments can be burdensome – especially when they involve those who are draining to be around. “Our research demonstrates that people overestimate the negative consequences of declining invitations – such as upsetting or angering the inviter – suggesting that we should not stress as much as we do about telling others no, including when invitations stem from energy vampires.” So, protecting your energy is a valid reason to promptly decline invitations that don’t align with your energy, even if it involves people you care about. 2. Set firm boundaries Another effective way to avoid energy-draining vampires is to limit your interactions with them – or to avoid engaging them altogether. Boundaries are a crucial aspect of self-compassion, as suggested by a 2020 study published in Journal of Psychological Research. Set clear, uncompromising boundaries with those who emotionally deplete you, and communicate them assertively so you can avoid resentment and bitterness later. Set boundaries: just say no to emotional vampires 3. Stay grounded in your values Being authentic and staying true to your values can be an effective shield against energy vampires, since your strong sense of self and clear boundaries make you less susceptible to emotional manipulation. Dr. James Huysman, mental health expert and founder of Star Network Foundation, told us: “[Our] values and finding our happiness through our ‘recovery to find our authentic selves’ are a garlic and crucifix for the energy vampire.” 4. Plan for downtime Sometimes, it doesn't seem possible to entirely avoid the presence of an energy vampire – maybe they’re a coworker, a family member, or part of your extended social circle. The key here is to prepare yourself for the encounter and have a recovery plan ready. Plan something rejuvenating and restorative for later – it could be as simple as a long bath, connecting with a supportive friend, or cuddling with your pet while reading a book. “If a simple conversation leaves you emotionally exhausted or you find yourself strategically avoiding someone so you can preserve your energy, those are all signs of an energy vampire.” Knowing that you’re equipped with an ‘emotional reset’ – or a plan to recharge subsequently after an unavoidable engagement with an energy vampire – will help you avoid the anxiety associated with it. Are energy vampires narcissists? Energy vampires often have narcissistic traits, given that narcissists rely on others’ emotional energy to reinforce their sense of identity. Much like emotional vampires, narcissists tend to feed off the energy and emotions of others to bolster their fragile self-worth. Blame shifting, using manipulation to guilt or gaslight, constant demands for attention, and excessive negativity are some of the key characteristics that narcissists share with energy vampires. Due to their shared traits, narcissists and emotional vampires are drawn to ‘empaths’ – or individuals with a heightened ability to feel and absorb others’ emotions – making them easy targets. Am I an emotional vampire? If you find yourself wondering whether you might be emotionally exhausting to others, do know that it takes courage and self-awareness to even get there – so you’re already on the right path. Observing your communication patterns is a good starting point: do you find yourself dominating most conversations or frequently steering the conversation towards yourself? If those around you have implied that they feel used or overwhelmed after interacting with you, it’s likely that you’ve been an energy vampire. Also, reflect on how often you’re genuinely interested in others in your life – do you engage with things they discuss and follow up later, or do you only seek emotional support for yourself? If the answer to most of these queries is yes, then you might be an emotional vampire – perhaps without even realizing it. MORE LIKE THIS: When to End a Friendship and How to Do it With Kindness Positive Relational Energy: the Secret Sauce of Uplifting Human Connections How to Get Over a Friendship Breakup: 7 Steps It also helps to assess how you respond to the boundaries set by others. Ask yourself how you feel when someone is busy or unavailable. Do you respect their space, or do you feel upset or abandoned? Truthful answers to these questions can offer you valuable insight into whether you’re emotionally taxing for those around you. How to stop being an energy vampire The good news is that asking this question itself is progress, given that most energy vampires rarely recognize – or care about – the impact of their emotional draining tendency. Here are some ways to stop exhausting others emotionally: Practice mindful listening Listen actively, ask relevant questions, and remember to follow up later. This shows that you truly care. Give, don’t just receive Friendships and relationships require active reciprocity. Offer support readily when others need it. Celebrate their wins and stand by them during difficult times. Devise your own coping strategies Indeed, it’s great to feel heard and supported. However, developing emotional resilience can help you overcome challenges on your own, reducing the need for you to rely on others to resolve your issues. Respect boundaries Honoring the personal boundaries set by others is essential for healthy relationships. Believe people when they say they’re busy. Give people space when they ask for it without guilt or resentment. Takeaway: Emotional vampires All interactions are, in essence, an exchange of energy. It’s important to stay mindful and reflect on which interactions uplift you and which ones leave you emotionally drained. Surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals with a bright outlook is a foolproof way to protect your energy and keep energy vampires at bay. ● Images: shutterstock/Mortotion Films, shutterstock/Krakenimages.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Emotional intelligence | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future-self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Like most of us, Dee Marques spent more time inside at home during the pandemic. It gave her the opportunity to discover the power of pottering – leisurely carrying out small tasks and activities without pressure. Here she shares the benefits it can bring to you. The lockdowns we went through during the COVID pandemic meant many of us spending time indoors trying to keep ourselves entertained. As someone used to an outdoorsy lifestyle spent in nature, I found it tough to find meaningful things to do. That was until a friend said she kept herself occupied by simply pottering around her house most of the day. I tried it, and found it too rewarding to keep it all to myself! So, What Exactly is Pottering Around? Pottering around is all about keeping busy at a leisurely pace, without feeling the need to have specific plans for things that need to be achieved. It’s about letting your eyes wander around your home and finding things that could be done, instead of having a pre-planned list of tasks in your mind. So, in my case, when I first discovered pottering about I started by sorting my fabric stash by colour and then moved onto my button stash. Next, I went to the kitchen to make myself a coffee and put all the bagged spices into glass jars, then picked some rosemary from the garden and setting it to dry. That’s what it’s like to potter around: finding enjoyable tasks that don’t feel like a chore; little jobs you want to do, not tasks that you have to do. Perhaps things you haven't had time to get around to doing due to a busy life. “Pottering around is all about keeping busy at a leisurely pace, without feeling the need to have specific plans for things that need to be achieved.” Pottering around is also about choosing activities that you can look back on and admire or enjoy, and about allowing yourself to jump from one thing to another without feeling guilty about it. However, scrolling down your phone or sitting in front of the TV doesn't count as pottering around! Indeed, keep your pottering digital free as much as possible and you’ll find it much more rewarding this way. So, Why Give Pottering Around a Go? I’ve come to think of pottering as a coping strategy. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed or anxious, and while there’s no right way of dealing with these feelings, the more tools we have, the better our ability to weather the storm. In fact, pottering around can really help when we feel outside of our comfort zone. How? Here are six examples: 1. It promotes mindfulness Pottering about includes some elements of mindfulness, such as the commitment to be intentional and aware of the present. It’s also similar to mindfulness in that it’s a conscious way of using our time, encourages relaxation and non-striving. indeed, there’s enormous freedom in realizing that we don’t always have to fill our spare time trying to achieve something. Tidying your wardrobe is a perfect pottering task 2. It helps us rediscover beauty Potter around for a while and you’ll start to discover pleasure and beauty in small things. In my case, I realised how rewarding it was to arrange fabric by colour; how delightful it was to find little differences in colour shade or intensity. It’s something I’d probably have never experienced if I hadn’t decided to potter about, and for that I am grateful. 3. It helps us go slow Pottering about can help you learn to pace your routine and slow down a notch. It’s so relieving to finally understand that we don’t always have to be speeding onto the next thing and running from deadline to deadline. “Potter around for a while and you’ll discover pleasure and beauty in small things. Pottering helps you learn to pace your routine and slow down a notch. Time is a luxury, so treat yourself by learning to take things slowly. Pottering around isn’t goal-oriented and so it can be considered part of slow living, which has multiple benefits, from better digestive health to a more positive mindset. 4. It helps us reassess productivity Linked to this is the fact that pottering can help us re-assess what it means to be productive. You can say there’s 'normal' (or productive) time and time to potter about. Both have their own advantages, but the thing with productive time is that we can only keep at it for so long before fatigue or burnout set in. This is why it’s important to balance it with time to just potter around. MORE LIKE THIS: The 6 Science-Backed Benefits of Living Simply The Power of Silence. 10 Benefits of Cultivating Peace and Quiet How to Practise Niksen: the Art of Doing Nothing 5. It can help in reducing stress I’ve already said that pottering isn't doing nothing at all, it’s an active pursuit that entails movement without the rush we usually associate with 'being on the move'. There’s plenty of evidence confirming the benefits of controlled and slow-paced physical movement. For example, practices like tai chi are sometimes described as 'medication in motion' that can reduce stress and improve cardiovascular health. Pottering around in the garden 6. It's simple! You can jump straight into pottering around, since you don’t need anything special to get started and it’s not like taking up a hobby that requires specific gear or tools. If you want to potter about, just look around and you’ll find plenty of simple things you can do with what you already have. Some Ideas For Pottering Around OK, so now you the benefits of pottering about, here is some inspiration to get you kick-started into action: Gardening or landscaping – without any pressure Going for a mindful walk Writing a thank you note to a friend Sorting out your fabric or yarn stash Grinding favourite coffee beans Neatly folding the clothes in your dresser Organising your tool box Cleaning and sorting the cutlery drawer Hanging a bird feeder in your balcony or patio Making some DIY potpourri Enjoying your very own tea ceremony or ritual Reorganising the book shelves Going through recipe books and finding new dishes to try Polishing jewellery Polishing wooden surfaces Oiling those squeaky door hinges Tackling “the bag of bags”: that plastic bag full of other plastic bags we all have! Creating a music playlist for working, relaxing, or reading One last suggestion is to keep track of all the good things that happen once you allow yourself time to potter. This will generate awareness and appreciation for this way of using time, and you may discover something new about yourself too. The Takeaway: the Power of Pottering Around Pottering around is a great coping strategy that you can turn into healing self-care sessions where you experience time without pressure and learn to just be. So, are you ready to become a potterer? Give it a try, discover the magic of pottering about, and find peace, contentment and happiness. ● Images: shutterstock/goodluz, shutterstock/Kostikova Natalia happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Stress management | Healthy habits Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Practicing forgiveness is a scientifically-proven way to cultivate deeper happiness. However, forgiving someone and dropping a grudge isn't always easy. Arlo Laibowitz shares a 9-step process that enables you to forgive, let go of suffering, and move on with your life. Human relationships are beautiful, dynamic and invariably complex. They can bring us great joy, comfort and growth, but they can also lead us to the depths of despair when we are betrayed, misunderstood, disappointed or unfairly treated. In our journey through life, the question isn't whether if we'll experience such hurtful moments, but rather when we'll encounter them – and how we'll cope. Indeed, to live is to get hurt. We've all been in the situation that we feel that others have done us wrong: by their words, their actions, or even worse, their indifference. And then there also the things we regret doing or saying ourselves. We've all heard the saying 'to forgive and forget', but in practice, we tend to hold on to our feelings of hurt and resentment. In fact, the best way to deal with these hurting moments is by actually learning how to forgive someone. That's because there's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that practicing forgiveness can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically. Why do we hold onto a grudge? Being hurt or betrayed by someone – particularly someone you care about – causes confusion, anger, and sadness. If you continue to dwell on these hurtful events, resentment-filled grudges can develop and take root, opening you up to being consumed by a sense of injustice or bitterness. What are the negative effects of holding a grudge? If you find it hard to practice forgiveness, you may: Become so obsessed with the wrong that you can't enjoy the present moment. Bring bitterness and anger into new friendships/relationships. Become irritable, depressed, or anxious. Lose potentially valuable and enriching connections. Understanding the Power of Forgiveness So, how can we learn how to forgive someone for good? And how does forgiving help us to lead happier and more peaceful lives? Forgiveness is defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you. However, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, condoning, or excusing offences. It is what we do for ourselves to get well and move on. Forgive and forget someone in nine simple steps shutterstock/fizkes Furthermore, forgiveness is not just a nebulous, spiritual concept but a science-backed strategy that can lead to better emotional and physical health. According to numerous studies, forgiveness can reduce depression, anxiety, and lead to better heart health. In a 2005 study, researchers at the Department of Psychology at Luther College, Iowa, discovered a direct link between forgiveness and several aspects of health, including cardiovascular functioning, physical vitality, and overall mental health. The act of forgiveness also led to lower levels of fatigue and better sleep quality. “There's a wealth of scientific evidence that suggests that learning how to forgive someone can be of great benefit – both mentally and physically.” Extend this prime notion further with research from University Hospitals of Cleveland in 2003. It was found that individuals who were better at forgiveness showed less stress, anger and depression. Those who held onto their resentment had higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and a higher rate of perceived stress. Finally, Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found in his 2006 study that forgiveness training could not only effectively decrease depression, stress and hostility, but it could also increase feelings of optimism, hope, and self-confidence. How to Forgive Someone in 9 Steps In fact, it was Fred Luskin that originally outlined this 9-step forgiveness program. It helps us to take things less personally, blame others less, and offer more understanding and compassion to others, and to ourselves. So, if you are seeking how to forgive someone who has hurt you, follow these steps: 1. Reflect On Your Experience Know exactly how you feel about what has happened and be able to articulate what is wrong about it. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience. This step encourages expressing your emotions openly, and sharing your experience with others. The key here is acknowledging how the situation made you feel, and expressing that genuinely. 2. Commit Yourself to Feel Better Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's. You are choosing forgiveness for your own peace and tranquility. How to practise forgiveness 3. Don't Condone Forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation or condoning the actions of the person that has grieved you. Forgiveness is about peace and understanding and taking things less personally. It is about the shift in your own feelings and mindset. 4. Shift Perspective Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago. “Forgiveness is a personal process. The process starts with a commitment to oneself, highlighting that forgiveness is about your well-being, not the offender's.” This step encourages the recognition that the ongoing pain and distress, rather than the past event, is what primarily causes suffering. 5. Try Calming Exercises Practice stress management to soothe flight or fight, by doing conscious breathing exercises, taking a walk, or whatever else works. Actively manage stress as it occur and aim to soothe your body's reactive response. 6. Lower Expectations Give up expecting things from your life or other people that they do not give you. Luskin advises letting go of unmet expectations for the sake of your tranquility. It's important to accept that you cannot control others’ choices and actions. MORE LIKE THIS: Self-Forgiveness: How to Forgive Yourself in 7 Steps The 6 Steps to an Effective Apology How to Let Go of Bitterness and Resentment 7. Change focus Put your energy into looking for ways to get your positive goals met, instead of focusing on the experience that has hurt you. This step promotes positive thinking and goal-driven attitudes. Instead of dwelling on the hurtful experience, channel energy into seeking constructive ways to meet your positive goals. 8. Look Around You Remember that a well-lived life is an ultimate revenge: look for love, beauty, and kindness. Put energy into appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have. Living a good life is the best retaliation. It's about taking back the power the offender has over you by shifting focus from negative feelings to the beauty and positivity surrounding you. 9. Remind yourself Amend the way you look at your past; cherish your forgiveness. This is the final step to recalibrating one's perspective. It's crucial to prevent past experiences from tarnishing the present moment. This step helps to restore equilibrium and positivity in life. Embracing forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free and discovering that the prisoner was you. Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you may be gruelling. However, this nine-step forgiveness program can provide you with a structured, practical pathway to navigate through your journey of healing. Remember, healing will take time and patience, but by practicing forgiveness sustainably, you will be opening the door to inner peace, better health and enhanced happiness. What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change? This is a good question, but getting another person to change isn't the point of learning how to forgive someone. Forgiveness is all about focusing on what you can control and how it can improve your life by ushering in peace, happiness, and emotional healing. Forgiveness removes the power the person that did you wrong continues to hold over your life. The Takeaway: How to Forgive Someone Understanding how to practice forgiveness is more than just about releasing resentment or letting go of grudges. It is about breaking down walls, building bridges and starting on a path to recovery, acceptance and ultimately, happiness. Indeed, research has shown that as we forgive, we are less susceptible to stress, anger and hurt. Once we have learnt how to forgive, it becomes easier to do that in new situations and induces more optimism.So, start on this transformative venture today, and discover the liberating power of forgiveness - not merely for the sake of those who have wronged you, but for your own well-being and harmony. ● Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; }

Becoming a volunteer is an important and meaningful way to help individuals and communities. And, as Calvin Holbrook writes, the multiple benefits of volunteering are proven by science. With most of us leading busy lives, the idea of volunteering – giving your time and energy to a cause without financial reward – may seem an impossible task. How can we fit anything else into our already jam-packed schedules? However, volunteering is important for many reasons and doesn't have to take up a huge chunk of your time. Furthermore, as well as the obvious benefits of volunteering to the community, individual or organization receiving assistance, there are multiple benefits – physical and mental – for the volunteer. It's these benefits that could partly explain the rise in popularity of volunteering over the past few years. During 2012-13, 29 per cent of adults in England, UK, said they had formally volunteered at least once a month. The figure in the United States is not far off, at around 25 per cent (with slightly more women volunteering than men). Promisingly, an increasing number of these people are young adults. In the UK, figures show that 2.9 million people in the 16 to 25-year-old age group volunteered during 2015, compared to just 1.8 million in 2010: an almost 40 per cent increase. Volunteering is an important tool to connect communities So, why the interest in volunteering? The Greek philosopher Aristotle once said that the essence of life is “to serve others and do good,” and it seems an increasing number of us are starting to wake up and see why volunteering is important. Many of us are starting to understand how serving and helping each other and different communities benefits not just others but ourselves, too. So, just why is volunteering important? Volunteering is important as it offers essential help to worthwhile causes, people in need, and the wider community. Indeed, many organziations and charities rely on the generosity of volunteers as they’re only part-funded through government or local councils, and cannot afford to pay salaries for all their staff. In fact, many companies depend almost solely upon teams of volunteers to help them thrive and do their work. What are the benefits of volunteering? Of course, the benefits of volunteering for those receiving help are clear. Whether it’s providing kids in a Third World country with free English classes or litter picking at your local beach, the benefits to the receiver and the wider community are usually part of the reason why you decide to volunteer in the first place. “Volunteering is important as it offers essential help to worthwhile causes, people in need, and the wider community.” But did you realise just how important volunteering could be for the person doing it? In fact, volunteering is beneficial to the doer for a whole host of reasons, including stress reduction, combating depression and providing a sense of purpose. And while studies show that the more you volunteer, the more benefits you’ll experience, volunteering doesn’t have to involve a long-term commitment. Even giving in simple ways can help those in need and improve your overall health and happiness. So, let’s take a closer look at just why volunteering is valuable with seven key benefits of this altruistic act. 1. Volunteering connects you with others If you’re feeling lonely, isolated, or simply want to widen your social circle, volunteering in your local community is an important – and often fun – way to meet new people. In fact, one of the best ways to make new friends and strengthen existing relationships is to commit to a shared activity together, and volunteering lets you do just that. If you’ve recently moved to a new city or country, volunteering is an easy way to meet new people, strengthening your ties to the local community and broadening your own support network. Furthermore, it connects you to people who have common interests and passions who could go on to become great friends. RELATED: The Importance of Community: 7 Key Benefits Happy Habits: 12 Ways to Boost Joy Levels Daily Finding Your Tribe: The 7 Steps You Need to Take In fact, volunteering is an important and interesting way to meet people who you might not normally connect with: people from different age groups, ethnicities or social groups. Because volunteering is open to everyone, it allows you to meet a wide variety of people from all sorts of walks of life, something that can only broaden your life experience further. 2. Volunteerism builds self-confidence and self-esteem Doing good for others and the community helps to create a natural sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Working as a volunteer can also give you a sense of pride and identity, helping to boost your confidence further by taking you out of your comfort zone and environment. Indeed, volunteering helps you to feel better about yourself, which you can then take back to your ‘regular’ routine, hopefully creating a more positive view of your own life and future goals. Volunteering builds self-confidence and reduces loneliness If you’re naturally shy or fearful of new experiences, cultures and travel, volunteering overseas could be an important and insightful way to help you build self-confidence in this area (not forgetting the other benefit of this type of volunteering – a chance to see a bit of the world at the same time!). Furthermore, research shows that volunteering could be particularly useful in boosting the self-esteem and confidence of adolescents who are just starting their life journey. A 2017 study from the University of Missouri and Brigham Young University that included almost 700 11- to 14-year-olds examined how sharing, helping and comforting others affected self-confidence. The study found that altruistic behaviors raises teens' feelings of self-worth, and that adolescents who assisted strangers reported higher self-esteem one year later. A National Youth Agency report seemed to corroborate this evidence. In it, young people aged 11 to 25 “repeatedly stressed that volunteering had increased their self-confidence, self-esteem and self-belief.” This self-confidence boost was shown to be strongly linked to improved communication skills, especially amongst young volunteers who were previously nervous about meeting new people. 3. Volunteering is important for physical health Interestingly, volunteering has distinct health benefits that can boost your mental and – perhaps surprisingly – physical health. Indeed, a growing body of evidence suggests that people who give their time to others might benefit from lower blood pressure and a longer lifespan. “If you’re feeling lonely or simply want to widen your social circle, volunteering in your local community is an important – and fun – way to meet new people.” A 1999 study showed that so-called ‘high volunteers’ (helping out at two or more organizations) had a 63 per cent lower mortality rate than non-volunteers. And more recent research (2013) from Carnegie Mellon University found that adults over 50 who volunteered regularly were less likely to develop high blood pressure (hypertension) compare to non-volunteers. Hypertension is an important indicator of health as it contributes to stroke, heart disease and premature death. Lead study author Rodlescia Sneed said that carrying out volunteer work can increase physical activity among those who aren’t normally very active, and that it could also reduce stress: “Many people find volunteer work to be helpful with respect to stress reduction, and we know that stress is very strongly linked to health outcomes.” Importantly, volunteers seem to notice these health benefits too. Indeed, a 2013 study from UnitedHealth Group and the Optum Institute of over 3,300 U.S. adults revealed that 76 per cent of those in the United States who volunteer said it makes them feel physically healthier. Also, around 25 per cent said that volunteering had been important in helping them manage a chronic health condition. 4. Volunteerism improves mental health When it comes to volunteering being important for mental health, the benefits are clear. Being altruistic in this way can help counteract the effects of stress, depression and anxiety. Indeed, the social contact aspect of helping others can have a profound effect on your overall psychological well-being. Volunteering keeps you in regular contact with others and helps you develop a solid support system, which in turn combats against feelings of loneliness and depression. Volunteering with animals has also been shown to improve mood while reducing stress and anxiety. Volunteering has many important health benefits Finally, volunteering boosts mental health simply because carrying out an altruistic act makes you happier; the so-called 'helper's high'. Human beings are hard-wired to give to others, and by measuring so-called brain activity and happiness hormones, researchers have found that being helpful to others can deliver great pleasure. RELATED: The Power of Kindness Shared Humanity: Why it Matters Human Kindness: Why We Need it More Than Ever A 2008 study from the London School of Economics examined the relationship between volunteering and happiness in a large group of American adults. The researchers found that the more people volunteered, the happier they were. Compared with people who never volunteered, the odds of being ‘very happy’ rose seven per cent among those who volunteer monthly and 12 per cent for those who volunteer every two to four weeks. 5. Volunteering is important for a sense of purpose Because volunteering means choosing to work without receiving monetary compensation, people often choose to give their time to issues or organisations they feel are important or have a special connection to. For example, if you're a big animal lover you may want to volunteer at a pet shelter. Or, perhaps you’ve living with or have recovered from an illness and want to dedicate some of your spare time to a charity that helps others living with the same condition. Volunteering like this helps address a social problem that is meaningful to you and in turn helps to build a sense of purpose, which further boosts your own happiness levels. “When it comes to volunteering being important for mental health, the benefits are clear. It can help counteract the effects of stress, depression and anxiety.” You can try volunteering at any age to help build a sense of purpose, but it’s often particularly common in older adults – those that have retired or maybe lost a partner of friends. Whatever your age of life story, volunteering can be an important technique to help give your life new meaning and direction. 6. Volunteering helps you forget your own problems One other benefit of volunteering is that focusing on others can give us a deeper sense of perspective and help distract us from negative thoughts and help stop rumination. Volunteering often involves helping those in need and can be useful in showing us that, in fact, our own lives are not as bad as we thought they were. 7. Volunteering is important for your career In an increasingly competitive job market, volunteering experience can be incredibly useful. It shows potential employers that you can take initiative and that you’re willing to give your own time to improve the world for other people. Furthermore, volunteering gives you the opportunity to practice important common skills used in the workplace, such as communication, teamwork, problem solving, planning and organization. Indeed, if you haven’t had a full-time job before then volunteering is an essential way to prove your skills when you do go for work interviews. Boost future job prospects through volunteering Also, if you’ve just graduated or looking for your first job, volunteering is an important and relatively easy way to get a foot in the door of a company you’d like to work with. Even if there's no immediate chance of employment afterwards, volunteering can help you to make connections for the future. Furthermore, if you’ve already had jobs and are considering a change of direction, volunteering is an important and fun way to try out different career options, especially if you’re not quite sure of where you want to go next. Indeed, volunteering offers you the chance to try out a new career without making a long-term commitment! Takeaway: the Benefits of Volunteering It's clear the benefits of volunteering are huge – improved physical and mental health, new friends and avoiding loneliness, a sense of purpose and deeper self-confidence. In turn, all of these things will help to boost your overall happiness: a win-win situation for all involved. If you're considering volunteering, ask yourself a few questions before taking the plunge. Firstly, think about which causes you're passionate about – it means you're more likely to enjoy and stay committed to the work. Secondly, are you looking for regular volunteering opportunities or a one-off project? Thirdly, what skill set can you offer and what can you hope to gain from volunteering? Good luck when you finally get going, and make sure you have fun – volunteering is important – the benefits are clear – but it's important to enjoy it too! • Images: shutterstock/Dragon Images, shutterstock/ESB Professional, shutterstock/Rawpixel.com, shutterstock/Monkey Business Images, Have you ever volunteered? What are the benefits for you? Share in the comments below... happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Kindness | Motivation | Learning | Altruism Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits our online magazine, makes art and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage!

Positive energizers are optimistic souls that naturally radiate good vibes to others. Psychologist Stanislava Puač J. offers up the 7 traits of positive energizers and explains how you can nurture more positive relational energy in your life, building happiness. I recently came across the notion of positive relational energy and I immediately remembered something that happened during my college volunteer days. We were working with emotionally heavy cases – stories of trauma and disadvantage that stayed with you long after the day ended. One evening, our team met to report on progress, and we were all visibly drained. One of the coordinators walked in, carrying a tray of mismatched mugs and those overly sweet 3-in-1 instant coffee packs we all secretly loved. But it wasn’t the coffee that lit up the room – she cracked a soft joke about how we ourselves were one emotional breakdown away from qualifying for group therapy, and – genuinely – asked how we were doing. Energy is contagious: positive energizers know it! Of course, that moment didn’t change much in the burden we were carrying. But you could clearly see how the energy shifted. We laughed together and the heaviness dissipated. We all grabbed that straw of optimism and held on to it. If a conversation such as this has ever left you feeling unexpectedly lighter, you’ve probably felt the effects of positive relational energy. Let’s unpack what this concept means, how it works, and how you can become one of these people with positive, contagious energy. What Is Positive Relational Energy? Energy is contagious; I intuitively knew that all of my life. Some people walk into a room and lift the entire emotional atmosphere. Others literally drain life force out of you. “Positive relational energy refers to the uplifting and energizing effect that some people have on others. In simpler terms, when we interact, we exchange not only information but also a dynamic flow of energy.” This interpersonal effect is known as relational energy – a term Kim Cameron explored in detail. According to him, positive relational energy refers to the uplifting and energizing effect that some people have on others. In simpler terms, when we interact, we exchange not only information but also a dynamic flow of energy: Positive relational energy is the kind that inspires, motivates, and leaves people feeling better. It’s more than optimism or a forced “good vibes” act. It is grounded in genuine empathy, presence, and authentic connection. On the other hand, negative relational energy manifests as cynicism, constant complaining, competitiveness, or emotional withdrawal. We often label these people energy vampires (because even short interactions with them can leave you mentally and emotionally exhausted). Although Cameron focuses primarily on the effects of positive relational energy in leadership, this vibrant and uplifting exchange can occur naturally in all forms of communication, for example: A family member’s supportive presence can de-escalate conflict or reinforce bonding. A positive energizer can make friends feel secure, seen, and recharged – turning even ordinary moments into sources of connection and strength. In psychotherapy, we can also say that we rely on such positive relational energy to form rapport. So, in essence, relational energy is that invisible current we exchange during shared experiences. 7 Qualities of Someone with Positive Relational Energy Positive relational energy is more than that instinctive feeling that energy is contagious. In fact, it is measurable – and it has been measured – as well as its effects. Within a work environment, research suggests that teams with more positive energizers are more productive, resilient, and cohesive. According to the same study, leaders who create positive relational energy “display humility, authenticity, work passion, humor, trust, spiritual leadership, and servant leadership.” Let’s examine how these individuals’ positivity is contagious and what traits they possess: 1. They’re emotionally attuned Positive energizers are also empaths. They notice how others feel and have high emotional intelligence. They have an emotional radar that picks up others’ discomfort, disengagement, or tension. And most importantly, they respond with warmth and non-judgment. 2. They listen deeply People endowed with positive relational energy make people feel heard. They nod, reflect, and create a safe space. They go beyond active listening and give the kind of attention that says: “You matter.” Deep listening is a key trait of positive energizers 3. They elevate rather than compete It is not always easy to genuinely celebrate others’ wins. Envy is defined as “an unpleasant, often painful emotion characterized by feelings of inferiority, hostility, and resentment caused by an awareness of a desired attribute enjoyed by another person or group,” by researchers who reviewed empirical and theoretical work on this feeling. “Choosing to be a positive energizer doesn’t mean denying stress or sugarcoating reality. It is about appreciating the beauty of life and passing that appreciation onto others.” Despite its negative hue, most of us tend to experience envy at some point in our lives. Positive energizers, conversely, don’t rely on comparison to feel worthy. Their energy reinforces mutual success, not status games. 4. They radiate solution-focused optimism People whose positivity is contagious also have bad days. However, they don’t focus on problems – but on paths guiding everyone out of trouble. Their default tone is constructive, not corrosive. 5. They use humor wisely Positive energizers know when to bring lightheartedness – as well as when not to. A light, playful remark at the right moment can defuse tension, and these individuals know just the right dose of humor. 6. They’re generous with genuine praise and gratitude Praise, appreciation, and gratitude can have a profoundly positive impact on both the giver and the receiver. If someone carries that positive relational energy, they will notice what’s going right and say it out loud. In this way, their contagious energy boosts not only individual moods but also team morale. RELATED: Happy Habits: 12 Ways to Build Joy Levels Daily The Power of Kindness: the Ripple Effect of Being Nice When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading! 7. They model integrity and trust People feel safe around a person whose positivity is contagious. Why? They behave in this manner in all life situations. They are consistently positive and respectful. That safety is part of the energy they radiate. How Can I Develop More Positive Relational Energy? You don’t need to be born as a positive energiser. Much like empathy or leadership, positive relational energy can be nurtured. Here’s how you can take the traits outlined above and turn them into intentional habits and small, everyday actions: 1. Enter the room with intentional awareness The foundation for positive energy exchange is mindful presence. Start building awareness of yourself and your effect on others. You can try to: Take a mental note of how your mood might be affecting others whenever you interact with them. Pause before meetings or conversations to ask yourself: “What energy am I bringing into this space?” Be conscious of your non-verbal communication, too (body language, gestures, etc). 2. Rewire your internal world and fill it with gratitude Gratitude shifts your focus from a scarcity to an abundance mindset – and people feel that shift. What is more, it becomes contagious. These are some of the practices you can try: A quick “what went well today” reflection at the end of each day. Expressing appreciation out loud, even for small things. 3. Use listening as a relational tool, not just a social skill We often think we’re listening when we’re really just waiting for our turn to speak! When you intentionally listen, it is not a void space – active and mindful listening creates energy. To develop in this area: Release the need to mentally script your response. Offer simple reflections like, “That sounds tough,” or “You seem excited about this.” 4. Become a calm source of momentum People with positive relational energy aren’t relentlessly cheerful and bubbly. However, they tend not to cling to their problems. Here are a couple of ideas on how to develop that forward-focused mindset and “infect” others with it: Practice asking “What’s one small thing we can do next?” when conversations spiral into frustration. Stay curious and open, rather than critical. Spread good vibes to others through positive relational energy 5. Infuse lightness without losing depth Humor isn’t just about making people laugh. It’s about reminding others (and yourself) that not everything is heavy all the time. Moreover, it has been proven to facilitate relationship-building. So, start using yours to promote positive relational energy and: Sprinkle in jokes, harmless observations, or share uplifting stories. Use playful tones as emotional palate cleansers during tough conversations. 6. Forgive (with boundaries) Even if we think we’re good at hiding it, unresolved resentment leaks into interactions. “People with positive relational energy aren’t relentlessly cheerful and bubbly. However, they tend not to cling to their problems.” Of course, we’re not promoting letting someone off the hook if what they did was terribly wrong. Still, forgiveness sets you free to relate more fully if the transgression wasn’t that severe (if it was, you are fully entitled to set healthy boundaries). How to practice forgiveness intentionally? Practice small acts of emotional release (journaling or reframing). 7. Treat consistency as a superpower To be energizing, you need to make others feel safe around you. In other words, it is about being steady, respectful, and present. Here’s how: Show up in a way that people can count on, even when you’re tired. Guard your integrity, so others will know it’s safe to follow your lead. Takeaway: Choose to Radiate Positive Contagious Energy Whether we realize it or not, we’re constantly transmitting. Our voice, demeanour, and words form an energetic signature that affects those around us. Most of the time, we don’t think about this too much. Yet, if you want to be that positive, energizing force in the world, you can deliberately change how you radiate. Choosing to be a positive energizer doesn’t mean denying stress or sugarcoating reality. It is about appreciating the beauty of life and passing that appreciation onto others. It is the kind of contagious energy that brings about genuine change. ● Images: shutterstock/PeopleImages.com - Yuri A, shutterstock/Tint Media, shutterstock/LightField Studios happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač J. Stanislava Puač J. is a psychologist, life coach, and writer with over 15 years of experience exploring how our inner world shapes our interactions, health, and sense of self. Her work blends research, real-life practice, and a holistic view of well-being – spanning emotional regulation, communication, and mindfulness.

Radical self care is about making decisions that honour our true selves. From setting uncompromising boundaries to nurturing your authentic self, Dee Marques explores 8 radical self care examples you can incorporate into your life to gain stability and happiness. What comes to your mind when you hear the term “radical self care”? For some people, they may it associate with taking time out to pamper themselves, but this type of self care goes way beyond scented candles and relaxing bubble baths. And although these smaller acts of physical self care have their place, radical self care involves a much deeper level of attention and consideration for our mind, body and spirit. A good example of radical self care is the decision taken by US gymnastics champion Simone Biles, who bravely withdrew from Tokyo Olympics in 2021 to prioritise her mental health. Reflecting on her decision, she said that "we have to protect our minds and our bodies and not just go out and do what the world wants us to do”, emphasising that this type of choice isn’t a sign of weakness, but of strength. Indeed, radical self care is about making choices that honour our true selves. It's about taking a stand for our inner stability – something that can be life-changing. Radical Self Care: the History While the volume of Google searches for “radical self care” has boomed from 2015 onwards, the origins of this concept go way back to the 1960s and 1970s. In fact, radical self care has always had a revolutionary flair to it. Starting in the 1960s, activists within the Black Power movement, including the Black Panthers and writers like Audre Lorde, affirmed that self care was crucial when it came to survival under oppression. Practicing radical self care can be life-changing These revolutionary voices understood that radical self care meant attending to their bodies and minds on a daily basis, as they battled with systemic injustice, whether that meant being diligent with nutrition, meditation, or yoga. Not only that, but radical self care also had a community focus, as many of these activists created wellness and social service programmes targeting groups affected by inequality, and turning self care into a form of activism. So, What is Radical Self Care Exactly? The full extent of radical self care is perfectly described by Audre Lorde, when she said: “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare”. Nowadays, we’re used to thinking about self care as those Instagrammable moments of pampering, quiet, and relaxation, but there’s so much more to radical self care than me-time. “Radical self care is about making choices that honour our true selves. It's about taking a stand for our inner stability – something that can be life-changing.” To understand what radical self care really means, it helps to look at the origin of the word “radical”, meaning “root”. Radical self care isn’t about masking problems with comfort, trying endless yoga programmes or the latest fad in self care routines. Instead, it’s about going to the root, tending to the source. We’re talking about the type of care that tackles burnout, systemic pressures, and emotional labour with proactive healing, and not just with generic rest. RELATED: Be Good to Yourself: 8 Self-Love Techniques 12 Ways to Practise Self-Acceptance Self Validation: 5 Ways to Develop It This means prioritising yourself, even when putting your needs first disappoints other people. Just like fellow sports star Simone Biles, tennis player Naomi Osaka gave an outstanding example of this at the 2021 French Open. She refused to talk to the media as she felt mentally fragile and subsequently withdrew from the competition, all in the face of considerable pressure and coercion. Radical self care also means creating the space to live authentically and connect with your true self, aligning your choices with your coping, social, creative, and physical needs. Essentially, radical self care is about care with conviction – a transformational practice that recognises your well-being is non-negotiable. Making time for physical wellness is another radical self care example What are Some Examples of Radical Self Care? Because radical self care isn’t only radical at the root, but in its reach, it’s vital to ensure all areas of your life are covered by this commitment to prioritising your well-being. So, how does this look like in real life? Here are some examples: Leaving a pressured social role or job that doesn’t align with your needs and values. Declining an invitation if it disrupts your energy, even if it involves people you care about. Prioritising therapy, coaching, or community healing circles over mindless distraction. Speaking up about unrealistic expectations, even if that goes against the majority’s opinion. Ending toxic relationship dynamics or unhealthy communication loops. Taking meal planning seriously to ensure your meals are nutritious and honour your body. How Do You Practice Radical Self Care? Here are eight ways you can decide to make changes that honour your true self, cultivating radical self care. 1. Cultivate Relationships That Expand You The more seriously you take your well-being, the more sensitive you become to anything that drains your energy – and that includes people. If there are toxic people in your circle, or anyone who drags you down, radical self care demands you let go and focus on connections full of respect, reciprocity, and depth. 2. Set Uncompromising Boundaries One of the starting points of radical self care is realising you can’t give your 100% to everything at the same time. To protect your energy, be selective with your boundaries at work and at home, making sure your needs are clearly expressed (for example, “I’m unavailable after 6pm” or “I can’t handle extra projects right now.”) Protect your energy by setting uncompromising boundaries 3. Say “No” Cutting obligations may disappoint others, but each “no” frees space for your mental and emotional health. Saying “no” also includes refusing to give into distraction (such as mindless scrolling), when you could be using that time on activities that bring you tangible benefits. “Radical self care means prioritising yourself, even when putting your needs first disappoints other people. That often means saying 'no'.” Studies have shown that children who say “no” and delay gratification did better socially and academically later in life – and as writer and psychotherapist Bryan Robinson says – “saying no more than you say yes is a trait of healthy and successful people”. 4. Make Time For Physical Wellness Although radical self care is much more than taking a relaxing bath or doing yoga, attending to the body is an important aspect. Make time every day for activities that respect your body’s levels energy, such as a fitness or exercise routine like mindful running, and complement this with conscious eating choices. 5. Nurture Your Authentic Self Find opportunities to voice your truths, stand by your values, and celebrate your cultural, spiritual, or political identity. To cultivate your authentic self, you may want to explore rituals that reaffirm who you are or ancestral healing practices. 6. Practice Creative Expression Your authentic self has a creative side, and research across different cultures and age ranges shows that creative activities like writing, making art, and singing are correlated to higher levels of autonomy, empowerment, and stress relief. How to practice radical self cafe? Try creative expression 7. Embrace Rest As Resistance Review your routines often and realign them around rest. This could mean anything from taking a whole day to yourself, to making 15-minute appointments with yourself. Pausing isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a choice you make out of self-love. As author Ivory Bennett said about Simone Biles’ act of rest as resistance: “Biles is a bold and beautiful example of duality. You can be strong and choose rest”. 8. Swap Guilt For Trust Statistics show that 1 in 4 Americans feel guilty for investing in self care. When you feel guilty about attending to your well-being, you’re more likely to be inconsistent with your radical self care practice. It’s much more beneficial to approach every act of self care with complete trust in your choices and regards the benefits of these self-priority actions. Takeaway: Radical Self Care is Your Foundation Ultimately, radical self care is an act of total self-respect. It asks us to show up consistently for ourselves and reconnects us to our worth beyond productivity or performance – just like Simone Biles said: “I’m more than my accomplishments”. Embracing radical self care as a way of being roots us in our values, protects our energy, and restores our autonomy. What’s more, it invites us to honour our energy, trust our needs, and protect our peace without apology. Whether it’s saying no, resting without guilt, or expressing your truth, each radical choice is a step towards living more intentionally and authentically. Remember that your well-being isn’t a luxury: it’s your foundation. So, take the time and create the space for it. Why not start right now, finding one radical way of caring for and respecting yourself today? ● Images: shutterstock/GoodStudio, shutterstock/Julia Zavalishina, shuttertstock/Josep Suria, shutterstock/Toffee Photo happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Healthy habits | Letting Go | Goal setting Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

When we are stuck making a decision, inner turmoil or internal conflict often arises, leading to both mental and physical health issues. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the meaning of inner turmoil, why it develops, and five steps you can take to move past it. For most of my adolescence and adulthood, I felt internal conflict about where to live. My mother is from one country, and my father was from another. When I was 14, they divorced. Suddenly, my family was scattered across Europe. So, my inner turmoil started. Where – or rather with whom – to live was a burning question during the period of my parent’s divorce. The same issue arose when I had to pick a high school, then college — and after graduation, when I was supposed to get a job. In fact, battling these internal conflicts and turmoil didn’t truly leave my side until recently. And I do not exclude the option of it becoming current again at some point in the future! Inner turmoil AKA internal conflict is everyone’s known (and rather unpleasant) companion. It does not matter if you are picking a shirt or a spouse. Internal conflicts are usually inseparable from the decision-making process. Therefore, we have little choice but to accept their presence. We can, however, understand inner turmoils and learn how to resolve the chaos they tend to cause. In this article, I'll explain: What inner turmoil is and what adversities may come with it What causes internal conflict How to move past it First, let us get to know inner turmoil and why it might be the wrong place for you to stay for too long. What is inner turmoil and why is it bad? Inner turmoil is not, strictly speaking, a phrase that psychologists would use. However, it describes the experience very well. As already mentioned, the term that is used in academic psychology is inner or internal conflict. Internal conflict is one of the prime notions of psychoanalysis. Sigmund Freud described conflicts as a consequence of the coexistence of two or more incompatible elements in a person’s psyche. These elements can be your needs, wants, beliefs, expectations, actions — conscious or unconscious. Simply put, two forces are clashing inside of you. Inner turmoil or internal conflicts cause mental and physical health issues It could be that there are two (or more) options that seem alluring. This is the “easiest” of the conflicts. For example, you could be courted by two people who both attract you. However, by virtue of the situation, when you pick one, you lose the other. Adding to the ordeal is a common effect — the option you dismissed will start looking more appealing. Double-avoidance conflict is a more difficult one because you must choose between two unfavourable options. For example, you might need to decide if you want to be unemployed and broke or accept a job you hate. RELATED: 7 Ways To Develop A Can-Do Attitude Quotes About Worrying: 6 Powerful Sayings To Free Your Mind Discover The 10 Keys To Happier Living Approach-avoidance conflict is something you experience when one option has qualities that both attract and repel you. Moving to a city that you do not like but that offers a better professional outlook is a good example. Or dating someone who you are physically attracted to but whose personality you are unsure of. The problem with this sort of inner turmoil is that the more you approach the option, the more the anxiety grows. On the other hand, the more you move away from it, the more you start to desire it. Why is internal conflict bad for you? As I said before – inner turmoils are not something we can avoid. They are a part of our lives. However, staying in one for too long can be bad for you. Why? When you are not at peace with yourself and do not understand your preferences, you will probably have a hard time getting along with others. Inner conflicts and ambivalent desires transfer to your close relationships. “Moving past inner turmoil and internal conflict means making a move. Whether it's a psychological change or an enacted decision, something has to happen.” Inner turmoil or internal conflict in which you are not clear about your role and identity, as this theoretical paper demonstrated, can make you underperform in negotiations in business. Any other sort of negotiations, it may be added, can be affected by your inability to decide which position and role you are taking. When dealing with internal conflicts and battles, you might find yourself unable to move forward. Research confirms that when you are ambivalent, regardless of how much power in a situation you may have, you will probably remain inert and avoid action. Furthermore, inner turmoil can lead to a range of emotional and physical disturbances. Irritable bowel syndrome, for example, has been found to be associated with internal conflicts. In particular, you may be at risk of the syndrome if you feel uneasy about being emotionally open and expressing your feelings. What causes inner turmoil and internal conflict? Remember my example from the beginning of the article? As I was born and spent most of my life in my father’s homeland, I felt more at home there. On the other hand, it was wiser to move to my mother’s homeland as it has incomparably better living standards. Not to mention wanting to be with my little sister, who was 4-years-old at that point. Understandably so, a long list of problems and issues (logistical and emotional) intertwined with the whole situation. In short, it was a hot mess. And, my inner turmoil was equally as intense. What caused it was too many elements of the situation that did not align with each other. Conflicting needs, beliefs, actions and expectations cause internal turmoil and inner battles. According to the classic psychoanalytic theory, our Ego has to serve three masters. It has to find a way to reconcile the external world’s demands, instinctual needs and desires (Id), and the ethical and moral principles we acquired growing up (Super-Ego). Needless to say, there is rarely harmony between these masters. Internal conflict: our ego has to serve three masters So, inner turmoil arises. You simultaneously want and do not want something. Your longings might clash with your principles. You know that one option is rational, but your heart desires another. Many elements interweave, and you end up in a state of internal chaos. It is an entirely natural position, a part of being a human. You could, for example, be in an utterly unhappy marriage. However, you were raised to consider a divorce as something outright wrong. Your need to feel psychologically well and your ethical beliefs oppose each other. You might long to do something creative in life and be an artist, but you feel pressured to meet your family’s hopes and find an office job. Your true desires and wish to please your loved ones’ expectations clash. Or, you have needs that do not match social norms in your culture, like sexual orientation. The authentic You is not in line with society’s standards, and an inner turmoil and conflict is born. “Once you have committed to leaving the state of turmoil, help yourself decide what you want and what you will do.” You might find yourself falling for your friend or a coworker. You yearn to make a move, but it poses a risk of losing them and destroying the existing relationship. Your feelings conflict with your desire to maintain the safety of what you have now. You may be torn between your roles of an individual, child, parent, friend, professional, spouse, and the desires and expectations that come with those roles. How to move past internal conflict If you're wondering how I resolved the conflict of where to live — I had to make a choice. I was compelled to do so when external circumstances called for it (the divorce, the schooling). But, the time came when I did not have to make a choice — I could merely succumb to inertia and avoid making any commitment. And I did for a long time. Nonetheless, I could not keep dodging a decision forever. Because moving past inner turmoil and internal conflict means making a move. Whether it is a psychological change or an enacted decision, something has to happen. Otherwise, you remain stuck within the whirlpool of conflicting needs and perspectives. So, here are 5 steps you need to take to start dealing with internal conflict: 1. Understand the turmoil Clinical practice shows that you need to explore the symptoms of the conflict — how is it manifested and in what situations do you notice it? What emotions and beliefs are keeping it alive? What rigidities in your mind are preventing you from leaving the conflict behind you? How do you usually try to cope with it? Knowing your most profound traits and desires (even the dark ones) is a must of authentic living and a prerequisite for resolving any inner conflict. 2. Make a decision As I've explained, one of the adversities of inner turmoils is a tendency for inertness they may throw you into. Give yourself enough time to contemplate — but do not procrastinate. Bring yourself to make a move. Fear of change, dread of making a wrong choice, feeling lost in life, or undefined anxiety are perfectly understandable reactions. However, putting a decision off is a kind of self-sabotage. So, promise yourself you are going to move ahead — and do so. Making a choice is essential to escape inner conflict 3. Facilitate the choice Once you have committed to leaving the state of turmoil, help yourself decide what you want and what you will do. Talk to friends, a psychotherapist or a coach, make pros and cons lists — whatever works. 4. Stop feeding the conflict When you have deciphered what has caused your inner turmoil and what you want to do about it, stop adding to the anxiety it causes. For example, if you want to get a divorce, stop evoking the thoughts of how “wrong” it is to do so that your parents or culture imposed on you. 5. Believe in yourself We often feel hindered by self-doubt. You might want to apply for your dream job but are reluctant because you believe you are not good enough. Give yourself plenty of self-love and practise self-compassion. You can do it. Even if you make a wrong choice, you are capable of mending the damage. Takeaway: see inner turmoil as a hint Internal conflicts are anything but a pleasant experience. A quote from Søren Kierkegaard’s ‘Either/Or’ illustrates the anguishing nature of human lives: “Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will also regret that; hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both.” Now, Kierkegaard was a philosopher, hence the hanging. Yet, if you translate the idea to any other choice, the message is clear. Whatever we choose and do, we will probably end regretting it and up believing that the other option was better. However, it does not mean that we are doomed to despair about missed opportunities and errors we made. Instead, approach your inner turmoil as a hint. Meaning that something is going on inside of you, and you need to figure it out. Embrace internal conflicts as a call from your unconscious mind to explore your soul. Use it as a beacon. Let it guide you towards knowing yourself — and making decisions that follow your authentic nature and needs. • Images: shutterstock/ArtFamily, shutterstock/Pixel4Images, shutterstock/ESB Professional happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Authenticity | Self-help | Coaching | Kindness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Many of us tend to shy away from the discomfort of uncertainty. However, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains, embracing the unknown and adapting to new situations often leads to personal growth and increased strength. The art of embracing the unknown should be a mandatory school subject. It is a skill most of us lack – which is only natural – and all of us necessitate. I am not an adventurist. It is probably not cool to admit that about yourself, but that is how it is. I have tried to avoid terrains that were out of my comfort zone for my whole life. Indeed, I am not the kind of person who will leave everything and go to Nepal to see how things will pan out. I do admire those people – but I am not one of them. However, no matter how fond of certainty I may be, life has got it in for me. Yes, it is unpredictable by definition. And always will be. Take the COVID-19 pandemic, for example. No one saw it coming. Many people had to make changes to how they work, socialise, live. It was a great unknown – and still is – but we have had to embrace the changes it has brought. Indeed, there will always be uncertainty in everybody’s life. So, how do we learn to accept and adapt to it? How can we embrace the unknown? Embracing the unknown and personality One of the most well-known, established, and used psychological tests, BIG-5, resides on an empirically confirmed assumption about five broad personality traits. One of those traits is openness to experience. This trait includes the following aspects: active imagination (fantasy) aesthetic sensitivity attentiveness to inner feelings preference for variety (adventurousness) intellectual curiosity challenging authority (psychological liberalism) People who score low on this scale are more conventional in their thinking and behaviour. They are usually closed to the unknown and new experiences. Such an individual prefers regular routines over new experiences. Open new doors and welcome the unknown Conversely, according to research, someone who has high openness to experience might have a broader range of interests. They could be more creative and knowledgeable because they are fine with uncertainty. In other words, such a person is not reluctant to jump right into new information and experience. Changing perspective to welcome the unknown Therefore, some people are simply more open to experiences. That is their personality trait. However, it only means embracing the unknown and the uncertainty of life comes naturally to them. It does not mean you cannot learn to shift your perspective and do the same. Let us explore several argument points that will help you shift your perspective from being afraid of uncertainty to embracing uncertainty. 1. Realise that everything is impermanent Obviously, nothing lasts for ever. But we secretly hope good things do. This is why we are so afraid of uncertainty. However, when you think about it, you will realise that you have never been 100 per cent certain about how things will unfold. Also, nothing ever stayed the same. All things pass. When you accept this thought, you might start feeling more confident about facing the unknown. 2. Letting go of attachment is beneficial When we cling to things and people, we suffer. It is one of the four noble truths in Buddhism. Attachment, albeit a natural human feeling, has a dark side to it. When you are attached to something, be it good, bad, or neutral, you become convinced you cannot go on without it. “Embrace the unknown. Uncertainty is everywhere, whether you like it or not. It is the path towards true joy and openness to life’s wonders.” When you learn to let go of past hurts, hopes or anxieties about the future, you can then go with the flow of life and enjoy it without fear. 3. Every new path and experience means growth You always learn when you try something new, regardless of how successful or not you might have been. And with learning comes growth. It was once believed that we were born with all the neurons we would ever have. Nonetheless, we now know that new neurons get formed during adulthood, too. The same goes for new neural pathways. If your counterargument is: “It might be painful”, remember all the instances in which you endured pain for the sake of growth. Start with teething as an infant, for example. You would not relinquish your teeth because it hurt a little, would you not? Embrace the unknown: every new path means growth 4. Surviving the unknown makes you stronger It may be a cliché, but think of the unknown and uncertainty as an opportunity to survive and become stronger because of it. RELATED: Following Your Bliss: 5 Steps to Get Started The Time is Now: How to Stop Worrying About the Future One Upside to the Feeling of Uncertainty Unpredictable situations will arise, that is certain. They all bear valuable life lessons, no matter how petty or profound they may be. When you overcome obstacles and swim back out to the surface after a storm, you find yourself tougher and wiser than before. 5. There is always one thing you can control: your reactions When you fear uncertainty, you fear the loss of control. However, know that you can always control one thing, no matter what happens to you. Your reactions are absolutely in your power. Whatever happens, you will decide how to respond. We may not be able to control much of what happens to us in life, but we can choose how to handle the circumstances. So, ultimately, you do have control over uncertainty because you command your thoughts and behaviours. 6. The unknown can make life exciting Embracing the unknown comes with a recognition of the mysteriousness of life. Even though your first response might be: “Yes, I want to know my future!” upon closer introspection, you might be surprised. “To embrace the unknown is to live the life as it was meant to be lived — being surprised by all its miracles.” Indeed, a recent study from the University of Granada confirmed that most people do not really want to know what lies ahead. In fact, only 1 per cent of people consistently said they would want to know their future. Furthermore, between 40-70 per cent of participants in the study said they would not even want to know about the positive events in their future. The numbers for negative events are even higher – 85-90 per cent would not want to find out ahead about adversities that await them. To embrace the unknown is to live the life as it was meant to be lived — being surprised by all its miracles. Embrace Uncertainty: 6 Ways So, how can we learn to embrace the unknown if it is not our second skin? How do we learn to accept uncertainty and even enjoy it? Here are some ideas on how to stretch your comfort zone little by little: Stop overthinking and overplanning Trust your ability to land on your feet, no matter what happens. The next time you have a decision to make, embrace the unknown and do not try to predict your distant future. Stick with the immediate facts and choices. Learn to live in the present moment Another Buddhistic wisdom we all would benefit from – living in the now. We cannot change the past. We cannot predict the future. While we are trying the latter, we are missing out on the only thing we do have – the present moment. Indulge in spur-of-the-moment experiences I am not propagating recklessness or risky/unhealthy behaviour. However, when things are safe, do allow yourself some impulsiveness. I am talking about an unplanned trip with your friends, for example. Even taking an unplanned route to work or anywhere else could help you practice embracing the unknown. Do not compare your past experiences with what is happening right now. If you do, you might start acting on the basis of what had happened sometime before, not what is going on right now. And you could fear the outcomes that once ensued – but you do not know what will happen this time. Switch fear for curiosity A 2021 study published in Current Psychology revealed that mindfulness truly contributes to meaning in life. However, this relationship is mediated by curiosity and openness to experience. In other words, when you decide to be curious about what happens next, you will learn to embrace the unknown and uncertainty and, at the same time, help other beneficial psychological processes to evolve freely. Exercise gratitude When you develop the habit of being grateful, you also learn to notice how every situation brings something to be thankful for. Such a skill will help you embrace the unknown because you know that every cloud has a silver lining. Takeaway: Embracing the Unknown Uncertainty will always be a part of life. This is a given. And, paradoxically, the more you try to prepare for the unpredictable, the more surprised you may become. I am not saying you should give up on acquiring information, planning or developing your skill-set. You should always strive to be the most resilient and resourceful version of yourself. However, if you see the unknown as the enemy, chances are, you will not be able to enjoy the variety of life. The unknown comes with both the good and the bad. If you only expect enjoyable experiences and avoid anything new for your fear of adversities, you might miss out on half of life. So, embrace the unknown. Uncertainty is everywhere, whether you like it or not. When you welcome it into your existence, you will be at peace. Embracing the unknown is the path towards true joy and openness to life’s wonders. • Images: shutterstock/everst, shutterstock/StunningArt happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Authenticity | Courage | Assertiveness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

The companionship and mental health benefits pets bring is widely known, but did you know the healing power of pets extends to physical relief as well? Ed Gould discovers five key health benefits that our furry friends can bring. What is it about pets that make them so therapeutic? It's a question I've asked myself before, having benefited from family furry friends and from spending time with other people's pets too. You might have posed the same question yourself. After all, animals are now routinely used in geriatric homes and hospital wards to lift people's spirits. So, if the health benefits of pets are known to professional caregivers, then the healing power of pets should not come as a surprise in domestic situations. Pets will often show signs of grief if they're separated from owners and sometimes display even deeper connections, such as knowing when we're in pain or danger. Of course, one of the key parts of the curative power of pets is that they love us in an unconditional way that human relationships rarely achieve. So, what does the latest research tell us about the health benefits of having a pet around the home? The healing power of pets: what science says Scientific research into the healing power of pets has been ongoing for decades. Most new studies focus on just one or two health benefits of pets but many researchers would agree that the advantages of pet ownership are multi-faceted in terms of healthcare. Let's take a look at some of the latest research. 1. Stress reduction and pet companionship Many pet owners would gladly admit that spending time with their animal helps them to relax and keep things in perspective. Returning from a tough day at work to a welcome from your pet – which really doesn't care about work stress – can help you to instantly calm down. Therapy dogs are used in hospital wards shutterstock/Monkey Business Images A 2019 study into animal interactions and stress conducted at Washington State University found that students were much more relaxed if they interacted with animals prior to taking their exams. Most reported a heightened state of tension that was relieved when they spent as few as ten minutes with animals. Pet owners can expect even better results due to greater levels of companionship. 2. Lowering blood pressure with pets According to Allen McConnell, a professor of psychology based at Miami University, the healing power of pets is very real – enough to lower your blood pressure. McConnell, who studies the ways humans interact with their pets, says that owning an animal can give people a sense of purpose and belonging that augments feelings of positivity which translates to health benefits. Stanley Coren, a psychology professor and neuropsychological researcher from the University of British Columbia agrees with these findings. “Your blood pressure lowers when you interact with an animal in a friendly way and your muscles relax, too,” he said. Another study in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease said that stroking animals – even pet snakes – can help to bring blood pressure down. 3. Heart disease and the health benefits of pets In 1997 American medic Larry Dossey published a literature review concerning the medicinal power of pets. In it, he noted that at that time there were over 2,000 therapy programs in the US using animals to assist people with a wide range of conditions. In particular, he highlighted a scientific study that dated back to 1980. “One of the key parts of the healing power of pets is that they love us in an unconditional way that human relationships rarely achieve.” Conducted by Erika Friedmann of the University of Pennsylvania, it showed that people who suffered from heart disease were more likely to survive for a longer period if they had a pet at home. Following their treatment, people with a pet in their lives to return to had a much greater chance of recovery. In fact, pets were found to be a stronger predictor of survival than even having a supportive family around the individual concerned! 4. Improved mental health Many people with a pet will report that they feel mentally better off for having them in their lives. The scientific research into pet ownership and conditions like depression are mixed, however, with some backing up anecdotal evidence and others showing no significant healing power of pets either way. Stroking a pet lowers blood pressure shutterstockk/Damir Khabirov Certainly, pet ownership can lead to social interactions, especially when walking a dog, for example, which is known to help with conditions like depression and anxiety. According to work conducted by Sandy Branson of the University of Texas Science Center, homebound adults, particularly older people, do get a psychological lift from pet ownership. Her research looked into cognitive function and depression. In it, she found a significant correlation between better mental health and pet ownership among older people. 5. The healing power of pets and hormonal responses According to the aforementioned study in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, touching a pet not only helps to lower blood pressure, but it also boosts our output of oxytocin, a happiness hormone that promotes feelings of trust and relaxation. “People who suffered from heart disease were more likely to survive for a longer period if they had a pet at home.” More widely, dog owners can expect an upturn in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that helps the immune system. Furthermore, a study published in Oxford in 2017 showed that children relaxed better in the company of pets, largely due to a perceived drop in hormones like cortisol which are associated with stress responses. 6. Mindfulness and pet ownership Pets help to keep you anchored in the here and now. Because animals tend not to express feelings of anxiety of what might be or what has passed, they help us to live in the moment, a key aspect of various forms of mindfulness including MBSR, for example. According to an article published by Harvard Medical School, mindfulness can be boosted by dog ownership, especially when you go on a walk together. Dr Ann Berger, a researcher at the NIH Clinical Center in Maryland agrees with this idea. She says that the foundations of mindfulness are based on attention, intention, compassion and awareness. “These are things that animals bring to the table innately that people have to learn,” she says. The takeaway: the healing power of pets However you look at it, pets are beneficial for their owners in numerous ways. In terms of health benefits, our understanding is still ongoing, but few people regret owning one in terms of either their physical or mental well-being. Make sure to give your furry friends some extra attention and reward them for all the health benefits they bring! Main image: shutterstock/Africa Studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Burnout | Stress management Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Put simply, nonduality (or nondualism) is a way of being whereby you feel interconnectedness with everyone and everything around you. Rachel Markowitz explains the deeper meaning of nonduality, its origins within Hinduism and Buddhism, and ways you can practice it. Take a moment to consider how you interact with the world – not only your physical surroundings, but also how you see yourself and others. Do you envision yourself as an individual? Are you part of a whole? Can you imagine your life as something entirely beyond these concepts? As it turns out, it’s rare to see “self” as something other than a person; that is, as an individual who wanders through life, engages with others, and strives for the ideals of health, true connection, and a sense of purpose. However, at some point along the spiritual path, we tend to encounter profound questions about the nature of self, the universe, and reality. When contemplating these questions, it’s helpful to understand the meaning of nonduality – the direct experience of “not two.” In nondualism, the nature of Self is pure awareness or consciousness If you find this concept hard to grasp, pause and reflect for a moment on this enlightening quote from British-American writer and philosopher Alan Watts: “You are a function of what the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is a function of what the whole ocean is doing.” To hopefully make the concept clearer, this article will provide an introduction to nondualism, explain nonduality vs. duality through ancient yet still-relevant teachings, and suggest methods for opening to nondual awareness. What is Nonduality? Nonduality comes from the Sanskrit word advaita, which translates to “not two.” Thus, nondualism conjures ideas like oneness, completeness, and infinity. However, nonduality is more than a concept or philosophy; it’s an experiential recognition, and because of this, it can’t be taught or captured within the limits of language. Accordingly, most teachings explain nondualism by what it is not: nonduality (advaita) is the absence of duality (dvaita). Therefore, to understand nonduality, it’s essential to first discuss duality. What is Duality? In simple terms, duality implies two opposing forces. In a dual existence, we consider aspects of life as good or bad, light or dark, positive or negative, and so on. Regardless of whether these forces are seen to negate or complement each other, they are two ends of a spectrum that are separate. “Nonduality comes from the Sanskrit word advaita, which translates to “not two.” Thus, nondualism conjures ideas like oneness, completeness, and infinity.” When we look at existential questions, duality often refers to the idea that we (humans) are separate from God (which we could also call existence, the universe, the divine, etc.) In dualism, I am a human, you are a different human, and there is a God apart from you and me. I am a subject perceiving objects, and I see the world through the unique eyes of a unique seer who is uniquely seeing. Nonduality vs Duality On the other hand, in a state of nondual awareness, there is no separation between an individual and God (existence, universe, etc.) In other words, nonduality implies that subject and object are of the same nature, and that there is no difference between the seer, the seeing, and what is seen. From a nondual perspective, pairs of opposites are perceived as manifestations of the absolute. Since this may feel like a stretch to the rational mind, it’s important to note that when we look at nonduality versus duality, nondualism isn’t anti-dualism. Nondualism is simply a way of existing that is not based in separation. However, through this nondual lens, we can still recognize opposing forces and see that, from a human perspective, duality exists. Nondual Teachings History has pointed towards nondual awareness as part of various philosophical and spiritual traditions throughout space and time. Although we can see examples of nonduality suggested in lineages of shamanism, Taoism, Sufism, and even Christianity, this state is most succinctly illustrated through the ancient Indian and Buddhist philosophies that have shaped contemporary nondual teachings. Nonduality is the human experience of oneness; a sense of connectedness and identity Advaita Vedanta According to Advaita Vedanta (nondualism as taught in the Vedas, the oldest texts of Hinduism), everything is Brahman, the absolute, and the true Self (or Atman) is not separate from Brahman. Put simply, the nature of Self is pure awareness or consciousness. The catch is that we only know this to be true when we experience life in nondual awareness. To illustrate this concept, Advaita teachings often use a metaphor involving a cinema to give an example of nonduality. When we watch the movie of our lives, we often think we are the main character. However, in reality, we are not limited to a character or to the one watching the film. Rather, we are the blank screen upon which everything is happening. And, as an observer, we can see that nothing on the screen can affect the screen itself. Nonduality in Buddhism Although Buddhism negates the idea of a true, inherently existing Self or Atman, the teachings of the Buddha are also nondual. In fact, in Buddhism, the belief in a separate self is known to be the source of all human suffering! “When we look at nonduality versus duality, nondualism isn’t anti-dualism. Nondualism is simply a way of existing that is not based in separation.” In Buddhism, nonduality is expressed as advaya, and concepts such as recognizing emptiness (sunyata), impermanence (annica), and no-self (anatta) all direct us towards the understanding of our “Buddha nature.” The Buddha taught that what we see as reality is merely an illusion that can be overcome by anyone through disciplined practice or, as commonly taught in Zen traditions, through a sudden experience that causes one to forget the limited self. RELATED: How to Practice Buddhism For Beginners How Did Buddhism Spread? Do Buddhists Believe in God? Practicing Nondualism The only way to completely “understand” nonduality is to directly recognize it. However, seekers of truth can intentionally make an effort to predispose themselves to practices and teachings that have the potential to open doors to nondual reality. So, if you’re curious about nonduality, consider these three suggestions: 1. Meditation Although all meditation techniques will eventually lead to the same place, the following two concentration methods can directly facilitate states of pure awareness: Contemplating the Self Examining the self, or “self-inquiry,” is asking yourself, “who am I?” The premise of this practice is that the ego, when directly targeted, can’t justify its existence. Thus, with repeated asking and searching, the Self is revealed. Contemplating Emptiness Buddhist techniques like analytical meditation and witnessing the emptiness of the mind help us grasp the nature of reality – the interdependent, transient essence of existence. 2. Exploring the Teachings As previously mentioned, nonduality is referenced through time-tested (and also timeless!) scriptures. These teachings hold energy and have the potential to transmit experience to those who read between (or beyond!) the lines. Here's a short list of Vedic and Buddhist teachings that point towards the true meaning of nonduality: The foundational texts of Advaita Vedanta: the Upanishads, the Brahma Sutras, and the Bhagavad Gita, along with hundreds of commentaries and texts by 8th-century scholar and teacher Adi Shankaracharya. Who Am I? by Sri Ramana Maharshi, a 20th-century sage with a large global following who spread interest in Advaita Vedanta through his teachings. I am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj, another self-realized sage who followed the path of Ramana Maharshi. The Heart Sutra, a Mahayana Buddhist text (translated here into modern-day language by Vietnamese Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh). The Great Way, a poem by the third Patriarch of Zen, illustrating nonduality vs. duality. 3. Repeating Nondual Affirmations Affirming or contemplating your true nature can also nudge your awareness into a space of nondualism. To practice, you can repeat one of the following affirmations or mantras, aloud or mentally: I Am Shivoham (literally, “I am Shiva”, which we can interpret as “I am consciousness.”) Tat Tvam Asi (One of the four Mahavakyas, or great truths from the Upanishads, that translates to “That Art Thou” or “You Are That,” in reference to our true essence) Takeaway: What is Nonduality? Seeing from a nondual perspective allows us to open to life’s mysteries. If this feels overwhelming, keep in mind that if you’re reading this, you’re already on your way; contemplating the meaning of nonduality and witnessing the mind, along with sincere introspection, can reveal to you the pure essence of “not two!” Let's finish with this quote from Indian Hindu sage Sri Ramana Maharshi: “In reality, there is neither dvaita or advaita, but that-which-is.” ● Images: shutterstock/agsandrew, shutterstock/AI Generator happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Acceptance | Letting go | Eckhart Tolle Written by Rachel Markowitz Rachel recently found herself over a decade deep in a worldwide wander guided by what she feels to be true. She’s been facilitating classes and workshops on yoga, meditation, self-exploration, and alternative ways of living since 2012, mostly in Latin America and Asia. These days, she spends most of her time looking at, walking around, or singing to a sacred mountain in southern India. Read more of her words at her to those who wonder blog.

Challenging yourself leads to personal growth and fulfillment. Ed Gould asks you to step out of your comfort zone and learn how to challenge yourself in 8 different life areas. As a professional writer, I'm used to expressing myself but this often means staying within my comfort zone. Either I'll write about similar subjects I've written about before or stick to tried and tested formats. Recently, I challenged myself by performing some of the songs I've written over the years. I had not done anything close to this for over a decade! Although I did so primarily for fun, it was a significant challenge to see the project through once I had committed to the idea. What does this anecdote say about how to challenge yourself? What does my experience offer up with respect to the outcomes you might feel of setting a challenge for yourself? Why challenge yourself and are there pitfalls you should try to avoid? Read on to find out what my experience – and the experience of others – reveals about setting personal challenges. What Does Challenging Yourself Mean? When you challenge yourself, you step outside of your comfort zone. This alone means that setting any challenge for yourself is not going to be easy. Of course, how hard a challenge might be will depend on what it is and how tricky you – as an individual – find it to break out from your usual routine. Learning an instrument is a great way to challenge yourself In other words, some people will find it easier to go further with their personal challenges than others. There should be no judgement or self-recrimination based on the nature of the challenge. You can always set yourself a new challenge if the current one turns out to be a bit easier than expected, after all. What you need to know, however, is that when you challenge yourself, you're aiming for genuine personal growth. Your challenge should push you – but never to breaking point. A better life – one that is more fulfilled – is about growing. You want a challenge you can overcome which takes effort, so you'll be able to look back on your achievement with a sense of satisfaction. Setting challenges for yourself can become a healthy habit, too. The better you feel about meeting the challenges you set, the more likely it is you will want that feeling again and again. As such, your personal growth and sense of quiet satisfaction in yourself will likely grow. The Benefits of Challenging Yourself We've just covered one of the main benefits of setting a challenge for yourself: personal growth. Let's re-examine this from the flipside position to better explain it. Imagine for a moment a life in which you never set a challenge for yourself. You'd probably cope well with every situation you encounter in day to day life but what if a true challenge were to come along that you hadn't set for yourself? Circumstances out of our control affect us all the time, after all. How resilient might you be if the last time you'd overcome a challenge was during your development in school or even earlier? You might not have the skills to cope, let alone the resilience. “When you challenge yourself, you step outside of your comfort zone. This alone means that setting any challenge for yourself is not going to be easy.” In other words, by challenging yourself, you are training yourself to cope with anything that might come your way. You are proving to yourself you can do it – whatever it might be – and empowering yourself to deal with difficult situations. That's why any challenge you set yourself must take you out of your comfort zone – even if only a little bit – otherwise it wouldn't be a genuine challenge, would it? There is some neuroscience research which suggests that the sort of brain activity associated with challenging yourself is beneficial for mood and anxiety. To put that another way, the stress you self-impose with a challenge helps to train the brain in ways that make it better able to cope. Set goals and take.a leap with a new challenge With a self-imposed challenge, of course, you are in control. When you get the outcome you want after completing the challenge, the brain will often reward itself by stimulating the ventral striatum, the part of the cortex associated with goal-oriented reward. Quite apart from the biology of challenging yourself, there are psychological factors to take into account, ones which probably interact closely with aforementioned neurological ones. When you overcome a challenge, you prove to yourself that you can succeed. No matter what anybody else may say, you've set yourself a challenge, defined its parameters and worked towards overcoming it. No one can ever take that away from you even if they might want to. This is self-empowering in a way that can lift mood, change self-perception and even alter entire mindsets for the better. Often, behavioural change comes about through cognitive changes. As some studies have shown, achieving goals and challenges can alter the way we think by altering habits. In turn, this leads to positive behavioural outcomes that can make life more rewarding and appreciated. How to Challenge Yourself OK, so setting challenges is a good move for getting more out of life, but how to challenge yourself is a whole other question. The good news is that there are many ways to do so and there will be an approach suited to everyone, no matter what their current mental state. Let's talk about eight of the most common approaches of how to challenge yourself to get the right physiological and psychological outcomes. 1. Self-Reflection Challenges One of the best ways to challenge yourself if the very idea of setting a self-imposed challenge seems too much is to commit to focus on self-reflection or self-enquiry. Keeping a diary or committing to writing thoughts down in a journal every day can be a good first step on your journey. Looking back over entries can be revealing and offer a true sense of reward if you keep it up. 2. Physical Health Challenges From walks in the park to more demanding physical routines, setting a personal goal for your physical health has mental health benefits, too. Doing more physically is a kind of self-love, especially if you commit to something beyond your norm. 3.Skill Acquisition Challenges Trying to learn something new is always hard. That's why it is rewarding, too. Sign up for a language or art class, for example, and give something completely novel a go. You might find your new vocation and you'll probably meet some like-minded people along the way, which is great for boosting happiness levels. “Challenging yourself to improve your mental well-being is a smart move. Anything from increasing your focus on meditation to setting your mind to solving puzzles can be a satisfying challenge.” In fact, studies show that making learning a habit and cultivating more meaningful connections are two of the main keys to happier living, making this challenge-yourself tip an essential! 4. Self-Restraint Challenges Another of the best ways to challenge yourself is to cut out bad habits. Perhaps you know you gossip too much or offer opinions too readily when they're not welcome. Maybe you want to cut down on alcohol intake to feel the benefits of being teetotal, or restrain yourself in another way? If so, setting a personal challenge might be the best approach, especially if you want to gain a greater sense of equanimity in your life. 5. Mental Health Challenges Challenging yourself to improve your mental well-being is a smart move, too. Anything from increasing your focus on meditation to setting your mind to solving puzzles can be a satisfying challenge. Using your brain more helps with cognition and focus, rewarding you with increased sharpness and, yes, happiness, too. A daily mental challenge could be completing a crossword 6. Leadership Challenges If you are tired of always doing the same things, then it might be time to step up and lead. Perhaps you should challenge yourself by going for a promotion at work or maybe quit and start up your own enterprise, even? There again, maybe you can teach or coach informally, helping others with the knowledge and skills you have to share. 7.Self-Kindness Challenges For some, self-kindness is harder than for others. If you find it difficult to get on with yourself, then challenging yourself to be more self-forgiving might not come naturally. This is precisely why it would be a good self-challenge, though. 8. Supported Challenges You don't have to go it alone. Some of the best ways to challenge yourself involve support. You can set group challenges you overcome with others and still get a sense of personal achievement. Setting personal goals with a mentor or a life coach is equally valid as coming up with self-imposed ones. Takeaways: How to Successfully Challenge Yourself Given the numerous benefits of setting and achieving challenges, learning how to challenge yourself can be life-changing. Once a challenge has been overcome, you'll probably want to set more, having gained confidence in your ability to attain goals with greater mental resilience. Find something that suits your personality but be prepared to step outside of your comfort zone. The more you put in, the more you're likely to get out, after all. • Images: shutterstock/Midnight Studio TH, shutterstock/Okrasiuk, shutterstock/New Africa happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Positive psychology | Gratitude | Burnout Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Yes, happiness is a choice and not a result of achievements or materialism. From choosing gratitude to quality friendships, maintain a happy vibe with these 8 tips from Calvin Holbrook. As editor of this happiness magazine, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I leap out of bed each morning after a restful slumber with a grin on my face, full of great intentions for the day ahead. Not so! Indeed, for the main part, for me, happiness is a choice, rather than my natural state of being. In fact, like all of us, I’m not happy all the time (let’s face it, that would just be weird). In reality, for me, authentic happiness doesn't signify a lack of negative feelings such as sadness and pain, but an ability to experience a wide spectrum of emotions while managing to appreciate – and stay focused on – the positive things that I do have in my life. According to psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, roughly 50 per cent of our natural happiness level is genetically determined (our so-called happiness set point). I believe my own happiness set point started out lower down the scale, but, with work, I’ve managed to boost it because – over time and consistently – I’ve made the choice to be happy, even when my life circumstances and situation were sending me into a spiral. Choosing kindness is choosing happiness Choosing to be happy is a constant effort, and to be honest, it’s not something that comes naturally. In fact, I’ve had to train myself to think happy. Indeed, like millions of us, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, lived through periods of debilitating panic attacks, and dealt with episodes of rumination that have beaten my mental health and happiness down. Along the way, I’ve learned that these problems should not define me or my mood. Indeed, I can still see happiness as a choice, but it requires focus and effort to stay positive (and, of course, professional help or medication when appropriate). Happiness fuels success, not vice versa The majority of people go through life thinking that happiness is something that happens to them as a result of success or something good happening, for example, getting a pay rise or getting 100 new likes on their latest Instagram post. Indeed, lots of people don’t realize that happiness is a choice, and instead go through the motions in life, waiting for joy to pop up and slap them in the face! “No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive to focus on. Since happiness is a choice, find things in your life you’re grateful for.” However, science shows that this type of instant gratification doesn’t really make us happy (not in the long-term, anyway). In fact, there is no magic pill to finding happiness. However, there is one thing that is required to boost well-being, and that is work. Work? Ugh! 'Fraid so. Because happiness is a choice, it needs to be worked at consistently, with effort, care and dedication. In fact, I believe the root to happiness is in the work you put into it. You have to commit to being happy, prioritize it, focus on it, and remain disciplined as much as possible, even in those dark and difficult days – especially on those dark days! If happiness is a choice, how can I work on it? It sounds staggering, but it’s reported that we make around 35,000 remotely conscious decisions every single day. From seemingly inconsequential stuff about choosing what to eat and what clothes to wear, to bigger things like who to love, how to spend our free time, whether to move city or quit the job we feel stuck in. Some of our choices turn out to be great and others not so. What they have in common though is that all of these choices are based in our deep desire to be happy. These choices make up part of our ‘life activity’. As mentioned earlier, genetics make up roughly half of happiness levels. The remainder depends on our circumstances (10 per cent) and this so-called ‘life activity’ (40 per cent). Paws for thought: choose meaningful relationships (pets count!) While we cannot always control our circumstances, we do have more control over our life activity. And if that life activity is said to be responsible for almost 40 per cent of our happiness, we can focus on making better choices here to increase our happiness levels. In fact, we can even make choosing happiness as one life choice! OK, I hear you: all of this is easier said than done. Life is tough. Shit happens. True, there are many challenging things that we will experience in life and we know that the only certainty is change (and the upheaval it can bring). This doesn't mean that all of life is bad, it just means that life isn't easy. But happiness does not come from your circumstances or your situation. Happiness comes from a choice that you make within. Learning how to choose happiness I’ve had to train my brain to choose happiness, even when my circumstances suggested the opposite. I believe I’ve boosted my natural happiness set point by carrying out specific ‘feel happier’ activities. If you're struggling to find the root of happiness, incorporate these eight science-backed tips into your daily life and you may start to feel happier. Stick at it, put in the hard work, and you should see results. 1. Choose gratitude and look on the bright side No matter how bad life seems, there’s always something positive you can find to focus on. It could be the fact you have a place to live, friends and family that love you, have clothes to wear, or even that you have eyes to see and legs to walk with. There are millions of people in the world that don't have all of these things. RELATED: Top 5 Benefits of Gratitude Practice 23 Gratitude Affirmations For Attracting Happiness Gratitude Meditation: 5 Benefits and How to Practise Since happiness is a choice, start finding things in your life that you're grateful for. It could also be seemingly small, general things that we often take for granted, such as the smell of cut grass, the sound of the ocean, etc. Writing these things down in a gratitude journal helps to solidify your happiness further. Develop an attitude of gratitude and jot down three good things about every day: studies have shown that doing this increases optimism, reduces anxiety, and chemically changes the brain to be more positive. 2. Choose to think positively Try to live by the ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ anecdote. Focusing on positive thoughts and trying to reducing negative thinking is easier said than done, but give the following technique a try. Each time you have a negative thought, simply replace it with a positive one. This practice will help to retrain your habitual thought patterns to bring more positive thoughts and happiness into your life. “Happiness is a choice, not a result of something else. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy.” Changing perspective on your situation will help you find happiness. If you’ve made a mistake – however big – try to focus on your past achievements instead, visualizing your previous successes and happy times. 3. Choose to smile Turn that frown upside down! One of the most important figures in the fields of mindfulness and meditation, Thích Nhất Hạnh once wrote, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”’ Grinning gains: stay smiling and choose happy Indeed, studies have shown that smiling and other external expressions work as a continual feedback loop, helping to reinforce our internal emotions. A study by scientists at the University of Kansas found that making yourself smile can help lower your heart rate during stressful activities. So, smiling even when we feel down will gradually makes us feel happier (and healthier). Try smiling at strangers, too: as well as being a choice, positivity is contagious. 4. Choose meaningful relationships/interactions Research shows that happier people have rewarding social relationships. Indeed, humans are a social species and need regular contact. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness, with recent studies show it can even be as harmful to mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. "Research shows that happier people have rewarding social relationships. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness.” So, to make a happiness a choice, choose quality friendships. In fact, prioritize being nice to people you don't know also: even a short positive interaction with a stranger has been proven to contribute to boosted well-being. 5. Choose kindness When you choose to do kinds acts for other people, so-called happiness hormones are released, boosting your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of well-being and satisfaction. Endorphin levels also rise, leading to a phenomenon known as a 'helper’s high’. MORE LIKE THIS: The Power of Kindness: the Ripple Effects of Being Nice Human Kindness: Why We Need It More Than Ever 7 Ways to Choose Kindness Every Day Another physical benefit of kindness is that it can help to lower anxiety. Social anxiety is associated with low positive affect (PA), which relates to an individual’s experience of positive moods such as joy, interest, and alertness. A four-week study on happiness from the University of British Columbia found that participants who engaged in kind acts displayed major increases in their PA levels that were maintained during the study duration. Be kind to others and experience a 'helper's high' 6. Choose to be more mindful Mindfulness meditation is an great way to try to increase your happiness levels. Start your day with just 10-15 minutes of meditation, shortly after waking: the immediate heightened inner clarity and focus it will give you will set you up for they day ahead. RELATED: 10 Types of Meditation: Which Style Is Best For You? 9 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation Outdoor Meditation: How to Meditate in Nature Many studies have shown that meditation can boost happiness levels by reducing stress hormones, shrinking the part of the brain that controls anxiety, and by stopping rumination, amongst other things. And, according to Psychology Today, meditation is the strongest mental practice to reset your happiness set point, thus turning you into a more joyful person and literally rewiring major areas in your brain. 7. Choose a purpose Meaningfulness is a happy factor that you can extend throughout your whole life. Whether it's volunteering, gardening, or becoming politically active, activities with a purpose have been shown to boost people's happiness and reduce stress levels at the same time. A study from the Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that people who took part in such activities became 34 per cent less stressed and 18 per cent less sad. 8. Choose to be satisfied Ex-US President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And in today’s Insta-ready society this rings true more than ever. In a social media savvy world, flaunting your money, travels and other supposed successes or happiness is all too common. However, if happiness is a choice, then comparing yourself to other people will only result in unhappiness. Rate your mates: quality friendships bring happiness In fact, data from a 2010 survey of 19,000 Europeans showed that those who compared their incomes to others were less happy with what they had. The comparisons that were most damaging to happiness were when people compared their incomes to those of school and university friends (even though we know that money can’t buy happiness, right?) Choose to be satisfied with what you have and stop comparing your life to that of others. The takeaway: why happiness is a choice Abraham Lincoln is famously quoted as saying, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” And he was right. Happiness is a choice but also a daily practice that requires time, effort and dedication. By carrying out our suggestions above, you should hopefully start to see some benefits. But, if you still fail to feel happy, take time to think through your actions. Are you doing the things you need to choose happiness or are you letting your emotions take control? If you’re trying to feel happier and you remain down or are struggling with depression, consult with your GP or therapist to seek professional help. Happiness is a choice and choosing help is a also a great step to getting started if you’re feeling blocked. • Images: shutterstock/New Africa, shutterstock/PeopleImages.com - Yuri. A, shutterstock/Dmytro Zinkevych, shutterstock/Personal Belongings Choosing happiness becomes easier when you have the right tools to help you. Sign up free to happiness.com today and share and support others in our forums. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Unhappy in Life | Gratitude | Lemonading | Purpose of Life Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, as well being an artist and lover of travel, swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Many of us are trying to find greater happiness in our lives. Learn how to boost your daily joy and well-being with these 11 science-backed tips from Calvin Holbrook. In today's modern and busy world, finding happiness can seem challenging. For the majority of us, our lives are more stressful than ever and we have less time to relax and enjoy life. The recent shift in mainstream media becoming increasingly negative only helps to fuel our anxiety, leading to greater misery and unhappiness. Happiness is a state we all want to live in, but is it even realistically possible to be upbeat and content the whole time? And what exactly is happiness? Would you consider it a way of life, a certain mood, or a state of mind? It's clear happiness levels fluctuate, but is there a way to increase or regulate them? Or is happiness a choice? In fact, as most of us have probably realized by now, there’s no magic way to stay joyful all the time. However, there is some science behind the nature of happiness. Furthermore, once we understand this, we can develop our skills to find happiness and remain joyful for longer periods consistently. So, follow these 11 science-backed ways to increase your levels of joy and you should be able to see a positive difference in your daily well-being and discover deeper happiness more easily. How to find happiness: 11 science-backed tips From staying social to practising gratitude: make these 11 changes to your life and start finding more happiness. 1. Stay social and build quality relationships Science is clear on out first tip on how to find happiness: you can improve well-being through developing quality relationships. We humans are a social species and need regular contact. In fact, loneliness is proven to decrease levels of happiness and recent studies show it can even be as harmful to mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. How to find happiness within yourself? Through others But if you're searching for happiness, don’t start adding random friend requests to people on Insta just yet. Simply having many different acquaintances doesn’t lead to a boost in happiness levels – research shows that it’s the quality of our relationships that's key to boosting our well-being. In a landmark 75-year, multigenerational study, Robert Waldinger measured happiness levels in people from Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods and found that the most joyful were those with high-quality social connections. Furthermore, lonely people were less happy and, significantly, had poorer health. RELATED: How to Make New Friends As An Adult The 6 Qualities of True Friendship How to Be a Better Friend: 9 Ideas So, make sure to nurture more meaningful relationships with the people you already love. And, if you're feeling alone or disconnected from your current friendship group, finding your tribe – people with whom you are likely to get on best with – is a surefire way to finding more happiness. 2. Force a smile Buddhist Thích Nhất Hạnh once wrote: “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”’ Indeed, studies have shown that smiling and other external expressions work as a continual feedback loop, helping to reinforce our internal emotions. “If you're on a quest for how to find happiness within yourself, start by thinking of others first, and begin to lead a more meaningful life.” Psychological scientists from the University of Kansas conducted a study in which they assessed the impact of smiling on one’s physical and mental state. They came to the conclusion that making yourself smile can help lower your heart rate during stressful times. So, smiling even when we feel down can actually makes us feel happier. Furthermore, try smiling at strangers, too: studies also show that happiness is contagious, so you may just get a friendly grin back that lifts you up. This is an easy practical tip which can help you in finding happiness on a daily basis. 3. Find your 'flow' It sounds simple, but take time to think about what you really love doing in life and make an effort to do more of it. Go for simple things you can fit into your schedule on a daily or weekly basis. Maybe it’s being in nature. Perhaps it’s reading, forest bathing, visiting art galleries, cooking a delicious meal, or just dancing around the living room. Whatever your daily happy buzz, make time for it in your life and it will help you in discovering greater happiness. Maybe you can find your flow on the river? Better still, if you can find an activity where your mind is fully immersed in a feeling of focus, involvement and enjoyment, you've probably found your flow. This blissful state – where you're 100% 'in the zone' – sparks true moments of joy, calm and creativity, as well as helping you find happiness by forgetting any current worries. 4. Think positively Some people seem to live by the ‘glass half full’ and ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ anecdotes, and for good reason. In fact, research has shown that positive thinking can assist in stress management as well as playing an important role in your overall well-being and health. A 2017 study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that positive thinking helps in combating feelings of low self-esteem, improves physical health, as well as helps brighten your general outlook on life. “Science shows that writing a daily or weekly gratitude journal can make finding happiness easier.” Here's a simple tip: every time you have a negative thought, try and replace it with a positive one. It's sounds easier said than done, but this practice can help to retrain your usual thought patterns to bring more positive thoughts into your life. Likewise, changing your perspective on your current situation can help in discovering happiness too. If you’ve made a mistake – however big – focus on your past achievements instead, visualizing your successes. Learn more about how to stop ruminating on past mistakes and start living with hope and appreciation of the present moment. 5. Develop a more meaningful life Meaningfulness is a major happy factor that you can extend into all areas of your life. Whether it's through gardening, volunteering, or becoming politically active, meaningful activities have been shown to boost people's happiness while reducing stress levels at the same time. Add meaning to your life by helping others in need What's more, developing meaning through helping others has been shown to be particularly beneficial. A study from 2017 showed that people who offer care and help to others then become better equipped to handle their own problems. Moreover, the researched showed that participants who engaged more by helping others also showed greater decreases in levels of depression. So, if you're on a quest for how to find happiness within yourself, start by thinking of others first, and begin to lead a more meaningful life. 6. Practise gratitude Our next tip on how to find happiness is to show gratitude. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is proven to make you feel happier and more humble. We often focus on what we don't have, but, instead, we should be grateful for what we already do have: a home, food on the table, clothing, and access to water/electricity. Many millions of people in the world don’t have these things (and, interestingly, many of them are still happy!). RELATED: 5 Benefits of Gratitude Practice 23 Gratitude Affirmations For Attracting Happiness Yoga for Happiness: Gratitude Yoga Moreover, science shows that writing a daily or weekly gratitude journal can make finding happiness easier. The Journal of Happiness Studies published a study that used gratitude letters to test how being grateful can affect our levels of happiness. The researchers concluded that: “Participants included 219 men and women who wrote three letters of gratitude over a three-week period. Results indicated that writing letters of gratitude increased participants' happiness and life satisfaction while decreasing depressive symptoms.” How to find happiness: gratitude journals helps you appreciate life 7. Stop comparing yourself to others In our social media savvy world, flaunting your travels, relationships and purchases on Insta is all too common. However, comparing yourself to other people only leads to unhappiness. Indeed, data from a 2010 Europe-wide survey of 19,000 people showed that those who compared their incomes to others were less happy with what they had. Furthermore, while other people’s lives may appear 'perfect’, there’s always a hidden story we’re unaware of. We usually only share our best moments on social media, rather than our fears and anxieties. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on achieving your own dreams by goal setting. If needed, change your social media habits and/or delete accounts. 8. Exercise daily If you're wondering how to find happiness, exercising is proven to boost levels of happiness. In fact, exercise has such a profound effect on well-being that it’s an effective strategy for tackling depression. In a study cited in The Happiness Advantage – a book by Shawn Achor – three groups of patients treated their depression with medication, exercise, or a combination of both. All three groups experienced similar improvements in their happiness levels in early days, but the later follow-up assessments proved very different. “Starting your day with just five to ten minutes of meditation will help you in finding happiness. Try meditating in the morning, shortly after waking.” Six months later the groups were tested to assess their relapse rate. Of those that had taken the medication alone, 38 per cent had slipped back into depression. Those in the combination group did a little better, with a 31 per cent relapse rate. But with the exercise group, the relapse rate was just nine per cent, suggesting it really did make a difference to finding happiness. So, make sure you fit some exercise into your daily routine. If you don't enjoy going to the gym, try mindful running or wild swimming to reconnect with nature. Group sea swimming is a great way to boost happiness levels 9. Get plenty of sleep If you don’t rest well, you won’t be able to function at your best. Regular sleep deprivation breaks down productivity, alertness and mood. Aim for between seven and nine hours kip a night and this will help keep your happiness levels up. A 2017 study from the Division of Sleep and Circadian Disorders at Brigham and Women's Hospital, and MIT Media Lab Affective Computing Group showed that keeping regular sleep patterns contributes to the happiness and well-being of college students. The study looked at 204 students over one month. The results show that higher sleep regularity was significantly related to higher morning and evening happiness, healthiness and calmness during the week. “Irregular sleep-wake schedules are common in our modern society," said lead author Akane Sano, PhD. “Our results indicate the importance of sleep regularity, in addition to sleep duration, and that regular sleep is associated with improved well-being.” Struggling to get a decent night's rest? Follow our 14 science-backed sleep hacks or try a deep sleep meditation. 10. Practise meditation Starting your day with just five to ten minutes of meditation will help you to find deeper happiness. Try meditating in the morning shortly after waking: the immediate heightened inner clarity and focus it will give you will set you up for the rest of the day. RELATED: 10 Types of Meditation: Which Style is Best For You? Outdoor Meditation: How to Meditate in Nature Does Meditation Really Work? Here's What Science Says In fact, there are many studies that have shown that meditation can boost happiness levels by reducing stress hormones, shrinking the part of the brain that controls anxiety, and by stopping rumination, amongst other things. And, according to Psychology Today, meditation is the strongest mental practice that has the power to reset your happiness set point, thus turning you into a more joyful person and literally rewiring major areas in your brain. 11. Go outside more often While we can’t control the weather, spending time outside is essential for our well-being. In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor recommends spending time in the fresh air to improve your happiness. “Making time to go outside on a nice day also delivers a huge advantage,” he says. “One study found that spending 20 minutes outside in good weather not only boosted positive mood, but broadened thinking and improved working memory.” Find your flow: do what you love and find deeper happiness Meanwhile, a study from the University of Sussex corroborated the idea that being outdoors made people happier: “Being outdoors, near the sea, on a warm, sunny weekend afternoon is the perfect spot for most. In fact, participants were found to be substantially happier outdoors in all natural environments than they were in urban environments.” So, whatever the weather, make sure you get outside of your four walls to boost your well-being. The takeaway: how to find happiness Finally, one last thing: science also suggests that some people are simply ‘born happier’. In The How of Happiness, researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky suggests that only around 40 per cent of our happiness is under our control (recent life events and biological set points predetermine the other 60 per cent). So, if accurate, this research means only about half of happiness levels can be controlled at any given moment. If you're searching for how to find happiness within yourself, then incorporate as many of our 11 ideas into your daily life – you should be able to increase your happiness levels over a period of time. Seeking out a positive state of mind, regular exercose, and enhancing quality relationships all help: but these habits require consistent work to be successful and help you in finding happiness. In the meantime, if life gives you lemons, choose to make a tasty lemonade! ● Images: shutterstock/Zoran Zeremski, shutterstock/G-Stock Studio, shutterstock/Ground Picture, shutterstock/Oksana Klymenko, shutterstock/jax10289 happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Authenticity | Motivation | Success Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, makes artwork and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage!

Feeling lost in life and not knowing what to do next can be paralyzing. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains how to embrace that 'I feel lost' panic we all get sometimes – and then how to move forward in 7 practical steps. ‘I feel lost in life'. Does this saying strike a chord? Have you ever muttered it to yourself in a moment of desperate reflection on the direction you're heading in? Feeling lost in life without the slightest idea where to go next can be daunting and help perpetuate stress. However, it's a common situation, one many of us have experienced (and will continue to experience) throughout our lives. Choosing a college, deciding on a career, or thinking about where to live are just some of the most common situations when you might feel frozen in this way. On the flip side, this feeling of being lost can also surface when you achieve some of your greatest goals and have no clue as what to do next! Indeed, when you undergo colossal life-changing experiences and become someone new, the old plans and ideals could stop resonating with you. So, even if you do discover what you want to do next in your life, at some point in the future this paralyzing fear may come back and set you adrift again. Let me show you what to do when you feel lost and how to draw a new map to creating a meaningful life. 7 steps for when you're feeling lost in life First, a disclosure. It wasn’t so long back that I myself was proclaiming 'I am lost!'. In fact, exactly nine years ago, I earned my degree, top of my class. I immediately got a job at a company and entered the 9 to 5 workforce. It was probably on only the second day that I had an epiphany about the meaninglessness of it all. I realised I was actually feeling lost with my life and decisions. In fact, I pretty much hated my life at that point. So, if you're experiencing a similar moment in your life and struggling to decide how to move on, here are seven steps you can take to make discovering your next move less stressful and more intuitive. 1. Put a stop on the search Do you hear the scary voice repeating how lost you are feeling in your head? Well, I know we're just getting started, but the first thing you need to do is actually put a stop to trying to figure out the answer. Although it may feel like an urgency, chances are, you need to take some time to pause first. Why? Feeling lost in life is a sign that you need to make changes Think of it as a creative problem-solving. It consists of four phases – preparation, incubation, illumination and verification. It’s safe to say that, if you don’t know what to do with your life, you hit an impasse in the process. It’s like trying to force yourself to write a best-selling novel: immediately! It just won’t work. Firstly, you need an intentional delay. Step away from the problem. The break will give your mind time and space for incubation to occur. Fill your time with activities such as walks, exercise, yoga, socialising with the right people, education and any other hobbies. Don’t worry. Your mind will be quietly working on the answer in the background. When we can’t resolve a problem, usually it’s because we’re fixated in our thinking. A break will allow for the habits, patterns and fixations to dissolve. What’s more, it will let the creativity flow in. 2. Prepare the terrain Once your mind has been given a chance to shift perspective, it’s time to go back to exploring the possibilities. However, you need to do it the right way. Make your internal and external environment ready for some soul-searching on why you're feeling lost in life. There is scientific proof for the age-old wisdom advising against making decisions on an empty stomach. A study from the University of Dundee determined that, if we are hungry, we are more likely to seek immediate gratification. The problem is that this tendency does not apply to food choices alone. Hunger negatively affects our financial and interpersonal decisions, too. “Make your internal and external environment ready for some soul-searching on why you're feeling lost in life. Be sure to do it after a good night’s rest and after a hearty, healthy meal.” The same goes for not being rested. Sleep deprivation has severe cognitive and neural consequences. Anyone who, for any reason, has been sleep-deprived, knows well the mind-fog it creates. It becomes impossible to think clearly and make coherent and considered decisions. And what about our environment? An interesting study determined that even lighting can affect the ability to solve problems. According to the findings, what you need is the kind of light that feels right to you. It’s up to you if you prefer ‘warm’ or ‘cool’, or dimmed or bright light. The trick is in making the light in the room elicit a positive mood. Your cognitive abilities will follow along. RELATED: Following Your Bliss: 5 Steps to Get Started What's the Point of Life? How to Find Meaning in Life: 7 Strategies So, when you're ready to explore why you're feeling lost in life, be sure to do it after a good night’s rest and after a hearty, healthy meal. Make your environment work for you. Prepare the terrain, go to a room where you feel good, fix the lighting, and get going. 3. Search deep within: meditate A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self. The benefits of meditation have been confirmed over and over again. Indeed, a review of over 160 studies that met the strict criteria determined that meditation has positive effects on emotional and interpersonal issues and cognitive abilities. As little as four days of mindfulness training improved cognitive performance in another study. But how does this relate to you seeking out your future life path? Well, meditation can deliver the clarity of mind and emotion you need when figuring out your purpose in life. It can open the path to communicating with yourself, in a sense. 4. Remember what you used to love When you were a kid or teenager, chances are you never felt lost in life. You simply did whatever it was that you were doing. Yes, it was objectively much easier not to contemplate on what to do with your life: your parents took care of your needs, and you didn’t have anyone’s needs you should be taking care of. Then adult life happened. Nonetheless, there’s a wisdom in the young(er) you that could help you find your way now. Do you remember the state of losing yourself (in a good way)? It could have been reading a book, making art, solving logical or mathematical problems, learning something new, dancing, or exercising. Do you remember a cause for which you used to feel a fire burning inside of you? An idea that made you forget everything as long as you could work towards it? Explore what you really love doing and find your flow state What most probably happened to you in those times is called flow state, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. His research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. So, what does this mean for you at this point? When you feel that your life is off track, a good place to start is to ask yourself: what is it that puts me in a state of ‘flow’? What is it that I used to love doing and believed in? Is there a way to rearrange my life and put such activities and causes at the forefront? 5. Brainstorm: and then limit your choices Once you’ve been through the previous four steps and opened up the search area, it’s time to narrow things down and list some concrete ideas. Do a brainstorming session with yourself. You can make a list, a vision board, a graph – whatever works. Your goal is to think of as many scenarios for yourself as possible. However – once you do, you will then begin to narrow down your choices. Kierkegaard spoke of ‘dizziness of freedom’, the bewildering anxiety we experience when facing the limitlessness of possibilities for ourselves and our lives. Indeed, in the world of empirical research, it has been found that there is such a thing as too many options. When you face ‘choice overload’, you might not be able to make the right call. “When you're feeling lost in life, write your own obituary. Stop and think about how you would most like to be remembered. Think of how want to live your life while you have it.” So, once you have thought of possible routes for yourself, try to sit with each option for some time. See if they still seem right after a while. You will want to eliminate most of them gradually. An exercise that might help you determine which options to keep is asking yourself “Why?” five times. That is, set a goal for yourself, such as a steady job, financial security, spiritual growth, family, health or well-being. Then, ask yourself why you want this. When you respond, repeat the question: why do you want that? After five rounds of ‘Why?’ you should be pretty close to your most profound motivation. Use it to plan and create the new life for yourself. Feeling lost in life? Brainstorm ideas, then narrow choices 6. Write your own obituary One of my favourite techniques for jolting oneself out of inertia when feeling lost in life and finding a way forward is rooted in existential-humanistic psychology. The task is pretty straightforward – write your own obituary. OK, it sounds morbid, and although you may feel some initial discomfort, it’s actually a rewarding and transformative exercise. According to the author of a recent study, the technique delivers a “greater sense of acceptance, appreciation, and awe toward the possibilities of living the life one envisions”. The logic behind the technique is simple. Even though we might not like it, we will eventually die. So, stop now and think about how you would most like to be remembered. Think of how you want to live your life while you still have it. You might be surprised by how your obituary would sound at the moment. And, most importantly, you will probably find out where you need to go next. “A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self.” Allow me to express the weight of the ideas behind proposing this technique with a quote: “So, live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning 7. Practice acceptance and non-judgement Finally, once you have made your decision, you will need to be a good support for yourself. If you’re feeling lost in life, you're actually at a moment that will inevitably lead to a major change. And, changes often don’t come easy, even when they are for the better. Perhaps your change will mean investing time, money and a lot of effort before it can be realised. RELATED: When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading Inner Turmoil: Understanding and Resolving It 7 Ways to Develop a Can-Do Attitude Therefore, prepare to go through the change with an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement. Embrace your decision, and all that comes with it. The ideal state to step into your new life is with plenty of self-love. Self-kindness prepares you to function and perform optimally and live a healthy and rewarding life. Takeaway: what to do when you feel lost You might remember my not-so-original experience about the realisation of how pointless my life was. In case you wondered how it turned out for me: here I am, doing what I love and with a great work life balance. When I was younger and used to talk about my dream career, I didn’t think it was actually possible. Yet, after going through the steps above, the path opened itself. In the meantime, I went through many other massive changes, internally and externally. And, I have another disclosure for you. To be honest, ’I feel lost' is a thought that has never fully left my side. Indeed, it has reappeared in many instances, professionally and personally. However, rather than let the feeling overwhelm me, I have learnt to see it as a nudge. It is a prod to keep questioning whether I'm living a worthy life, in peace with my values. In fact, I see it as a life saviour – life being defined as something that ought to have a point. When you realise that you are feeling lost or adrift, don’t succumb to anxiety. As scary as it may be, feeling this way is actually an insight that will send you on a path of never accepting purposelessness or inertness. So, embrace your inner voice and make these solid steps to discover your next journey! • Images: shuttertoskc/wolfstudiobkk, shutterstock/Rawpixel.com, shutterstock/theshots.co happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Coaching | Letting go | Motivation | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Setbacks and disappointments in life are inevitable but it's possible to overcome them. It's essential to not let such obstacles impact on our confidence or make us resentful. Learn how to deal with disappointment effectively with these 8 tips from Dee Marques. I still remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I read the first sentence of that email: “We regret to inform you that…”. It hit me hard. I'd spent weeks preparing for the interview for my dream job, planning a getaway to celebrate my new role, imagining myself at the fancy office – only to be rejected. And then there are the smaller, everyday letdowns that seem to come all at once: dates that get cancelled last minute, products or services that don’t live up to the hype, a recipe that doesn’t turn out right, etc. Disappointment comes in many forms and is an inevitable part of life. We all face it, whether in relationships, at work, or within ourselves. But despite how common it is, disappointment can still feel deeply personal and overwhelming. And since we all experience it sooner or later, learning how to deal with disappointment is essential, so we can limit its impact on our well-being and confidence. Let's look in detail at this common emotion and explore practical ways of dealing with disappointment in different aspects of life. What’s the meaning of disappointment? We usually feel disappointed whenever our expectations or hopes are not met. When we anticipate a positive outcome, our brain releases large amounts of dopamine, the “happy hormone”, but dopamine levels drop to zero when things don’t work out as expected. Setbacks at work are common: try to reframe disappointment Not only that, but scientists have noticed that disappointment activates the brain’s pain centres, so this can be quite a complex emotion that triggers secondary emotions like sadness, hurt, betrayal, frustration, inadequacy, grief, or anger, so sometimes it can be difficult to tell what it is exactly that we’re feeling. MORE LIKE THIS: How to Stop Beating Yourself Up: 7 Ideas That Work When Life Gives You Lemons, Try Lemonading! How to Prime Your Mind For Optimism Although disappointment is a normal emotion, letting it fester inside you can breed resentment against yourself, other people, or life itself, which can create a lot of physical and mental tension, being linked to anxiety and stress. Overcoming disappointment: early experiences matter We’re all let down at some point in life, but we handle it differently. This is because our early experiences shape our strategies for dealing with disappointment. For example, children who have their emotions dismissed or minimised by adults as they face disappointment are more likely to develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as avoidance or shame. And if a child is told to “be tough” when they’re let down, they might not allow themselves to admit they’re disappointed later in life, since they’ll see it as a form of weakness. “Since we all experience it, learning how to deal with disappointment is essential, so we can limit its impact on our well-being and confidence.” Similarly, children who are scolded when they suffer a setback can develop the belief that failure will make them unlovable, and may start to underachieve to avoid potential failure. However, some will do the opposite, becoming perfectionists to prevent any chance of disappointment (impossible!). Dealing with disappointment: 8 tips to try today Here’s the interesting thing: if the way we react to disappointment is learned, this means we can always learn a new way to handle it. So let’s look at some suggestions on how to deal with disappointment. How to deal with disappointment in relationships and friendships Friends and romantic partners often let us down. Here's how to handle it: 1. Manage expectations No human being is perfect, so no relationship is perfect either. In fact, researchers estimate that 70% of the problems couples experience can’t be “solved”. Interpersonal relationships move along a continuum of harmony and disharmony, convergence and divergence. Acknowledging our differences is the basis for more genuine relationships and can also help us learn about our partner’s or friends’ needs and internal mechanisms. 2. Open communication If a friend or partner has let you down, don’t fall into the avoidance trap. Express your feelings without blaming them, and instead explain that your intention is simply to understand them better and strengthen the relationship. 3. Set boundaries Accepting disappointment as a fact of life doesn’t mean you should compromise at all costs and in all circumstances. If someone consistently disappoints you or lets you down, consider redefining the relationship to align with your needs and set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Setting boundaries can help overcome disappointment from others Dealing with disappointment at work Failed to get that promotion or rise? Coworker constantly stealing your light? Here are some suggestions for handling work disappointments. 4. Reframe setbacks Author Brad Warner says that “disappointment is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were”. Next time you’re let down at work, support your brain in this readjustment or recalibration by changing your narrative about what happened. “Accepting disappointment as a fact of life doesn’t mean you should compromise at all costs. If someone consistently disappoints you or lets you down, set boundaries.” For example, if you didn’t get promoted this time, instead of thinking “all my efforts were for nothing, maybe I'm just not good enough for this company”, try: “this doesn’t invalidate my work. I’ll try to understand better what the company values are and focus on what I can do next to keep advancing”. 5. Don’t linger on the “what-ifs” Avoid blaming yourself, ruminating, or dwelling on what-if scenarios, as this can only lead to feelings of inadequacy. Instead, acknowledge that you did your best and that is something to be proud of. You never want to get to the point of thinking 'why do I hate my life?'. 6. Distract yourself Avoid placing all your self-worth or sense of identity on a single career goal. Instead, after a disappointment, find ways to distract yourself with things that bring you joy outside of work. Overcoming disappointment in daily life Life is full of joy but also regular disappointments! Acceptance is key to dealing with the situation. 7. Sit with disappointment mindfully Deep breathing exercises, a mindfulness meditation session, or a body scan can help you stay grounded in the moment while you allow yourself to experience disappointment without avoiding your feelings or over-reacting to them. Accept feelings of disappointment and handle the emotion 8. Acknowledge your feelings Disappointment can be enmeshed with other emotions, so it’s best to address one emotion at the time. Ask yourself what you're feeling. Is it rage? Then maybe you need to life off steam with a gym session or practise meditation for anger. Is it sadness? Having a good cry does wonders for releasing emotion. Dealing with disappointment in yourself Of course, in addition to being disappointed in other people or in circumstances and things, we can also experience disappointment in ourselves. This can happen when we fail to meet our own standards or goals, which can make us feel self-doubt and low self-esteem. “If a friend or partner has let you down, don’t fall into the avoidance trap. Express your feelings without blaming them, and instead explain that your intention is simply to understand them better.” When it comes to overcoming disappointment in yourself, first embrace self-compassion. Self-disappointment arises from a discrepancy between our actual self and our ideal self, so letdowns are an opportunity to give your actual self kindness and compassion – this is when you need it the most! RELATED: How to Practise Self-Compassion: 6 Proven Techniques This experience also offers an opportunity to reflect and adjust your perceptions. Analyse your reaction to disappointment. Did it make you want to not try ever again? Or did it trigger the perfectionist in you? These may be learned responses that stem from your childhood. If they don’t serve you, it’s time to adjust them. The takeaway: how to deal with disappointment Although disappointment is challenging, every time it surfaces it offers us a valuable opportunity for introspection and growth. The path to growth through disappointment starts with understanding that the way we react to it is a learned or “inherited” response that we can modify if it has a negative impact on us. And by trying some of the coping strategies listed above, you can transform disappointment from being a source of distress into a catalyst for resilience and growth. Remember that the way we respond to life's setbacks shapes our journey far more than the setbacks themselves. To end this article on dealing with disappointment, I want to leave you with a favourite quote from sociologist W.E.B. Dubois: “Strive for that greatness of spirit that measures life not by its disappointments but by its possibilities”. • Images: shutterstock/PeopleImages - Yuri A, shutterstock/baranq, shutterstock/Krakenimages.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Relationship advice | Resilience | Hormones Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

As one of the most important figures in the fields of mindfulness, meditation and Zen Buddhism, Thích Nhất Hạnh continues to have a major influence around the world. We share some of the best Thích Nhất Hạnh quotes and take a deeper look at his teachings. Thích Nhất Hạnh is recognised internationally as one of the most influential figures in the fields of mindfulness, meditation and Zen Buddhism. Having been ordained as a monk in 1949, Nhất Hạnh has since written more than 100 books and has travelled the world, imparting wisdom and sharing his philosophy on life. Over a period of almost 70 years, Nhất Hạnh built a lasting legacy through his lessons on meditation, self-awareness, understanding, peace, love and non-violent conflict resolution. Thích Nhất Hạnh passed away in 2022 after a long life dedicated to his mission. Thích Nhất Hạnh quotes: engaged Buddhism 'Engaged Buddhism' is a term coined by Thích Nhất Hạnh, with its first known usage coming in his 1967 book, Vietnam: Lotus in a Sea of Fire. As a philosophy, it was heavily influenced by the Buddhism practised and taught by Master Tai Xu, who was influential in helping to reform Chinese Buddhism. While Tai Xu advocated what he referred to as human-life Buddhism, Nhất Hạnh developed this philosophy further. Essentially, the 'Engaged Buddhism' he teaches focuses on using the insight gained through meditation and dharma teachings to ease economic, social and political suffering within society. “When bombs begin to fall on people, you cannot stay in the meditation hall all of the time. Meditation is about the awareness of what is going on — not only in your body and in your feelings, but all around you.” Thích Nhất Hạnh The Thích Nhất Hạnh quote above actually originates from an interview with Lion's Roar magazine and perfectly captures Nhất Hạnh's core belief in 'Engaged Buddhism', which became especially important to him and his spiritual community in the midst of the Vietnam War, during which they aided those that were experiencing the horrors. Thích Nhất Hạnh's influence lives on in his quotes and books Nhất Hạnh saw the help they provided as being part of their mindfulness and meditation practice, rather than something separate from it. What this particular Thích Nhất Hạnh quote demonstrates is the belief that meditation can (and should) extend beyond the self, due to the insight and perspective it provides. Quotes on: The Enemies of Man Over the years, Thích Nhất Hạnh has often used his influence and wisdom to stress the importance of recognising the fact that the true 'enemies of man' are ideological, rather than physical. The most famous example of this philosophy being put into words came in the mid 1960s, in a letter written to Martin Luther King. In it, Nhất Hạnh wrote that the enemies of monks in Vietnam were not man, but "intolerance, fanaticism, dictatorship, cupidity, hatred and discrimination". He also opined that in the civil rights struggle in the US, Martin Luther King's enemies were not specific human beings, but "intolerance, hatred and discrimination". “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” Thích Nhất Hạnh This Thích Nhất Hạnh quote is an interesting extension of the basic 'Enemies of Man' teaching. Once again, it centres on the idea that we should not see those who do wrong as our enemies, or as people in need to punishment or retribution, but instead as people who can be helped, or who are in need of help. MORE LIKE THIS: The Hearth of Buddhism: the Birthplace of Buddha Who is Jon Kabat-Zinn, the Master of Mindfulness? Jack Kornfield: Mindfulness Teacher and Author Throughout the 1960s and 1970s, Nhất Hạnh continued to promote the virtues of non-violence, even in retaliation to violent actions. These words help us to understand the deep-rooted beliefs that made this possible for him. Quotes on: embracing science Another key teaching that has come to define Thích Nhất Hạnh's philosophy is his view that traditional Zen Buddhist practices can work in conjunction with science. In particular, he embraced Western psychological research and utilised aspects when teaching Buddhist Psychology at Vạn Hanh Buddhist University and Cornell University. RELATED: How to Practice Buddhism For Beginners It's only through embracing science in this way that ancient wisdom can play a meaningful role in the modern world. This concept is explored in several of Nhất Hạnh's published works, including the 1992 book, The Diamond That Cuts Through Illusion and Understanding Our Mind from 2001. “Aware of the suffering created by intolerance, we are determined not to be bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist teachings are guiding means to help us learn to develop our understanding and compassion. They are not doctrines to fight, kill, or die for.” Thích Nhất Hạnh Appearing in his 1987 book entitled Being Peace, this quote from Thích Nhất Hạnh emphasises the extent to which he discourages dogmatic adherence to any particular set of teachings, because such inflexible attitudes inevitably lead to conflict and, ultimately, suffering, rather than happiness, peace and contentment. Instead, one of Nhất Hạnh's most important philosophies is related to the value of being open to new ideas, being willing to challenge existing ones and being adaptable to new research, evidence and technology. There is, after all, wisdom in letting go of bias and recognising that the concept of 'truth' can be fluid, rather than absolute. Thích Nhất Hạnh travelled all over the globe, sharing his knowledge Quotes on: love and infatuation In more recent years, Thích Nhất Hạnh's teachings have placed an emphasis on the concept of love and on defining precisely what it is. In his 2015 book How to Love, he argues that the ideas of 'love' and 'understanding' are inextricably linked. “Understanding is love's other name,” he writes. With this as the starting point, Nhất Hạnh is able to de-construct the difference between love and infatuation. Love, he says, is about understanding another person and their suffering. Infatuation, on the other hand, is a distraction from one's own suffering and understanding is replaced with fantasy, illusion and projecting ideas onto someone. “If our parents didn't love and understand each other, how are we to know what love looks like? The most precious inheritance that parents can give their children is their own happiness.” Thích Nhất Hạnh Finally, this Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, which also appears in his 2015 book How to Love, neatly sums up one of the most significant conclusions he draws, which is that love is something which can be seen and learned. “If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all,” Nhất Hạnh writes. As Maria Popova points out, this is in-keeping with what psychologists know about the role of 'positivity resonance' in learning how to love. Once again, this quote shows how Thích Nhất Hạnh's traditional Zen Buddhist philosophy can operate in perfect harmony with modern scientific research and reasoning. ● Images: d nelson - arrival, CC BY 2.0, Duc (pixiduc), CC BY-SA 2.0 and mettabebe - Thich Nhat Hanh at festival in Da Nang, CC BY-SA 2.0 happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Gratitude | Acceptance | Altruism

Repetitive self-critical talk is torturous and wreaks havoc on your mental health. From quieting your inner critic to redefining failure and success, Dee Marques shares seven techniques to help you stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself – mistakes included. "I can’t believe I messed that up again. Why do I always do this?" "I should have known better. What’s wrong with me?" "I’ll never get it right. I’m such a failure. I hate my life." Does any of this negative, 'beating yourself up' talk sound familiar? Many of us have a harsh inner critic that spends a lot of time and energy replaying past mistakes and setting impossible standards. Beating yourself up can impact your self-worth, confidence and overall mental well-being. Although our inner critic likes to think it’s acting to push ourselves to be better, constant self-criticism rarely leads to growth. Let's explore why we mentally torture ourselves this way, how this pattern affects our lives, and how to stop beating yourself up. Different ways we beat ourselves up There are different ways we give voice to our inner critic. Self-criticism can appear as: Overgeneralisation "I always mess things up" or "It’s never good enough" Black-or-white thinking "If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless" Ruminating over mistakes "If only I'd said this instead" Catastrophising "This mistake will ruin my everything for me now" Constant comparison "Look how far ahead they are compared to me" Taking responsibility for negative outcomes "If I had tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened" or "It’s all my fault" Dismissing achievements and positive outcomes "Yes, but anyone could have done this, it’s not a big deal." This type of maladaptive perfectionism has been linked to a higher chance of experiencing severe stress, anxiety, and depressive disorders, in addition to weakening our coping abilities. Learning how to silence your inner critic is essential Why do we beat ourselves up? So, why do we do beat ourselves up and torture ourselves so with self-critical chatter? Why is it so easy to be our own worst critic? Firstly, there may be something of an evolutionary survival instinct involved. Our brains are wired to focus on threats, which can lead to the idea that “only the strongest survive”. Upbringing and social conditioning also play a major role here. If growing up you learnt that love, self-worth, and approval were conditional on success or flawless performance, you may have internalised the belief that mistakes mean you are a failure. Studies confirm that unhealthy perfectionism is a learned behaviour passed on from parents, relatives, peers, teachers, etc. Moreover, a world that glorifies success and perfection – especially in social media – can condition us to believe that being tough on ourselves with self-critical talk is the only way to meet ever-increasing standards. At the same time, these cultural and social pressures make us feel like we’re constantly falling behind. “Why do we do beat ourselves up? There may be an evolutionary survival instinct involved. Our brains are wired to focus on threats, which can lead to the idea that 'only the strongest survive'.” Indeed, a recent study from the University of Bath focused on college students in the USA found that more recent generations of college students reported significantly higher levels of perfectionism compared to earlier generations. Focused on millennials graduating between 1989 and 2016, the authors found an increase in three types of perfectionist traits in the more recent graduates, ranging between 10% and 33%. And lastly, the more we repeat these patterns, the more ingrained they become, until self-criticism feels like the only way we know how to talk to ourselves. This activates or perpetuates shame and guilt cycles, making it harder to see the pattern for what it is (a form of self-punishment) and to break free from it. This is why learning how to stop beating yourself up is so important for emotional resilience and self-worth. How to stop beating yourself up: 7 ideas The good news is, just as you learned to be self-critical, you can also reverse it by learning how to stop beating yourself up. Understanding why we fall into this negative habit is the first step. Here are seven other steps you can try. 1. Redefine your perception of responsibility and mistakes People with a tendency to beat themselves up are typically highly responsible and growth-oriented. But does being responsible mean that you can’t make mistakes? This is an all-or-nothing perception that actually hurts your ability to improve and grow. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Remind yourself that you can take responsibility without going straight into shame and blame whenever you make a mistake. Stop beating yourself up: self-criticism achieves nothing 2. Notice (and quiet) your inner critic Carry a notebook or use a journaling app and write down every time you notice your inner critic speaking. This can help you separate yourself from that shadow part of your personality and be more aware of its harmful internal dialogue. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Practise detachment from self-critical internal dialogue to avoid magnifying it. 3. Redefine failure and success Do you have rigid definitions of success and failure? If so, it might be time to challenge them. Sometimes, our definitions of success and failure are like a rigid container: they can’t accommodate growth, because instead of adapting and expanding, they break due to how inflexible they are. “Don't beat yourself up. Instead, remind yourself that you can take responsibility without going straight into shame and blame whenever you make a mistake.” It’s also worth taking some time to explore where do your criteria for failure and success come from. Are they really yours, or did you “inherit” them from others during your childhood? You can then come up with alternative definitions, like “success is not about perfection; it’s about progress” or “failure isn’t the end of the road; it’s a step in the ladder of growth”. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Ask yourself “What if I allowed failure to be a teacher rather than a punishment?” MORE LIKE THIS: Perfectionism and Anxiety: 7 Ways to Cope Why What Other People Think of You is Really None of Your Business Self-Validation: 5 Ways to Develop It 4. Ask yourself how is this helping you Be honest: What does beating yourself up achieve? Does self-criticism actually help you improve, or does it make you feel stuck? If this habit is not serving you and actually ruins your mood, it’s time to replace it with happier and healthier habits. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Commit to increasing the level of joy in your life. 5. Break the cycle of shame Shame is deeply linked to self-criticism, and can become a toxic emotion enmeshed into a cycle of self-doubt, resentment and disappointment. Breaking this cycle starts with recognising that your worth is not defined by your perceived failures. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Stop dwelling on what went wrong and focus on how you can move forward with self-respect. 6. Cultivate self-forgiveness Embracing forgiveness is essential in the process of learning how to stop beating yourself up. But sometimes, it’s easy to forget that we need to be forgiving with ourselves and not just with others. Consider creating a small ritual, like writing yourself a letter of forgiveness or simply saying out loud: I forgive myself. I am doing my best, and that is enough. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Explore different ways of practising self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is one step towards loving yourself, warts and all! 7. Practise compassion and acceptance Self-compassion doesn’t mean making excuses for yourself (in case your inner critic is saying so as you read this!). Being compassionate means treating yourself with the same kindness and patience you would offer a loved one, without making distinctions. At the same time, self-acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on growth, but rather understanding that you are worthy through the entire process of growth. Don't beat yourself up; instead: Remember that real growth happens when we acknowledge mistakes with self-compassion instead of self-condemnation. Takeaway: don't beat yourself up If you’ve spent years being hard on yourself, this self-critical tendency won’t change overnight. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that being kind to yourself means being irresponsible or too soft. The way you speak to yourself matters, and every time you choose self-compassion over self-criticism, you take a step toward inner peace. So, the next time your inner critic starts to take over, remind yourself that you are human, just like everyone else. And instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself: how would I treat someone I love in this situation? There’s a lot of freedom, joy, and growth in moving away from self-criticism and self-punishment. Are you ready to experience that? ● Images: shutterstock/PoporLing, shutterstock/DimaBerlin, shutterstock/Perfect Wave happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Gratitude | Lemonading | Compassion | Keys to Happiness Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Humans aren't meant to be alone all the time: connecting as part of a meaningful community is important for our mental well-being. Dee Marques discovers seven ways in which community belonging can benefit both you and those around you. Humans are social beings, and the need to belong is deeply ingrained in our nature. That’s why since the beginning of time humans have been drawn to creating their own communities. Today, important communities continue to be formed around different shared interests of characteristics, such as religious or spiritual groups, professional associations, neighbourhoods, volunteer groups or sports clubs. In fact, belonging to a group or community we can identify with helps us develop a stronger sense of personal and collective identity. It can also give a boost to our self-esteem and to our willingness to take on the world and make our dreams happen. Being part of a community is one of the 10 main keys to happiness. But the importance of community goes beyond that. So, just why is community important? To answer the question we can look at what happens if we don’t have community we can call our own. Since we’re inherently sociable beings, feeling disconnected from others can deeply affect our self perception and emotional health. Litter picking is a powerful community action shutterstock/SpeedKingz Indeed, some studies have linked the emotional strain of loneliness caused by social isolation to physical illness, including sleep disorders, heart disease and a weakened immune system. A Public Health study done in Canada even ranked social isolation as a higher risk factor for premature death. • JOIN US! Sign-up to happiness.com and connect with our caring community • Having said that, the past year or so has been a strange one for social interaction and personal relationships. On the one hand, lockdown measures and work-from-home arrangements have made it harder to meet and connect with others, so feelings of isolation and loneliness are on the rise. However, that hasn't undermined the importance of community. On the contrary, these changes have prompted many people to reconsider the significance of neighborhood feeling, bringing the concept of meaningful belonging back into the spotlight. “Belonging to a group or community we can identify with helps us develop a stronger sense of personal and collective identity. It can also give a boost to our self-esteem.” For example, during the past few months we have seen communities coming together with fundraising initiatives to help those struggling financially or otherwise. Others have learnt to sew just to be able to make PPE – such as face masks – and delivered them to those who needed them the most. The importance of community: 7 benefits it offers To understand why neighbourhood action and community is meaningful and beneficial to our well-being, we can look at seven ways in which belonging to one can help us. 1. Support and safety Living with uncertainty has become the norm during the COVID pandemic. This has made it more important than ever to have a strong support network in place. Indeed, one of the main reasons behind the importance of community is that it can help fight feelings of hopelessness and give us the certainty that we are safe when surrounded by our community. Furthermore, the benefits go both ways, since supporting others also gives us a boost. 2. Connection and belonging Togetherness is so central to our experience as humans; that feeling we are part of something bigger can help give meaning to our lives. Finding others with the same values, interests, and world views makes us realise that we’re not alone and makes us feel valued. Indeed, belonging highlights why community is necessary: being accepted into a group gives us a stronger sense of self and can help us cope with negative experiences and feelings. 3. Influence Sometimes we need an extra push to stop us from falling into unhealthy habits or thoughts. Experiencing the positive influence of like-minded people is another reason behind the importance of community. Studies confirm that our overall health is partly determined by our ability to look after ourselves, but sometimes we simply don’t feel capable of it. Communities can influence us and motivate us to invest in our well-being and to bring positive changes to our lives. MORE LIKE THIS: Happy habits – 12 ways to boost your joy levels daily What is Pebbling? What Penguins Can Teach Us About Stronger Relationships Why is Volunteering Important? Here are 7 Benefits it Offers 4. Sharing Sharing activities, ideas and feelings reinforces not only our sense of self, but also adds worth and value to the community. Indeed, the more the merrier applies in this case! That’s not to mention the huge beneficial effect sharing can have on mental health: higher engagement, positive emotions, and empowerment are only some of the benefits. Sharing is caring. Support is an important community action shutterstock/Daisy Daisy 5. Learning Communities are usually built around common interests, but that doesn’t mean they’re homogeneous. We can still find people within them who have different views, experiences, or beliefs, and learning from them can help us reach insights that we may not have reached on our own. 6. Acceptance Developing community bonds with others who have different views may be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to practise acceptance. I had a personal breakthrough when I read this article and understood that acceptance doesn’t necessarily imply agreement. “One of the main reasons behind the importance of community is that it can help fight feelings of hopelessness and give us the certainty that we are safe.” This valuable lesson can bring peace and relief. And there’s another side to acceptance: self-acceptance. Community belonging helps us accept that sometimes we’re strong and sometimes we’re vulnerable and that we need the support of others to avoid unnecessary emotional struggles and pain. RELATED: What Is An Ecovillage? Sustainable Communities That Live And Thrive 7. More connections, more chances of success The importance of community goes beyond the personal sphere and extends to professional development. Since the pandemic begun we’ve seen a stronger focus on supporting local businesses, so this is a good place to start networking and building strong relationships. You never know where that could take your business idea or professional life. The importance of community action Communities are not abstract entities, so practical actions are needed to really take the importance of community further and make a difference. This is the basis of so-called community action initiatives. In fact, these are so important to society that many local authorities now have dedicated resources and invest in community building programmes. • JOIN US! Share your life story and challenges at happiness.com and make new friends • An example is the Community Organisers initiative, launched in the UK to give communities the tools to identify and solve local challenges by bringing everyone together. The Community Organisers Stafford group was aware that many people struggled to make ends meet and set up a social supermarket that was supported by local shop owners, grocery stores and volunteers. A young food bank volunteer shutterstock/HASPhotos Surplus food was donated and then sold at discounted prices that even those on a low income could afford. In just a few months, the programme was feeding more than 100 local families. It helped stigmatise financial hardship as well as remind residents that the community is there for them. On that note, it’s essential to remember that community action doesn’t need to involve grand gestures. Sometimes the best way of contributing to our community is to give: be it time, money, or kindness to others with small daily gestures. One thing is for sure: if we look around us with the intention to help, we will find ways of doing it, and in the process we will be contributing to making our community stronger. We can all do something to build meaningful human relationships and benefit from the healing power that comes with a sense of community and a richer perspective. So, why not set the goal of developing deeper bonds with others in our immediate community? Today is a good day to starting looking for or creating your own network and to begin to experience the importance and power of community. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Compassion | Friendship | Charity | Community living Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Buddhism is a global religion practised by millions across the world, but where exactly did it begin; where is the hearth of buddhism? Ann Vrlak traces the origins of the Buddha. Buddhism is one of the oldest world religions, now practised by over 480 million people. But where did this worldwide spiritual movement begin? The hearth of Buddhism The “hearth” of Buddhism – where it was born and took hold – was on the plains of India’s Ganges river. It began with a man who went on an extraordinary journey that took him from the sheltered life of a prince to the humble life of a wanderer in order to seek enlightenment. Buddha’s birthplace was a village called Lumbini, in what is now Nepal. As the hearth of Buddhism, Lumbini is now a pilgrimage site for Buddhists everywhere. He was born Siddhartha Gautama in 563 BC to a wealthy royal family who wanted to keep their beloved son from the harsh realities of life in the Indian sub-continent. Siddhartha’s life was arranged so he would never leave the royal compound that was a haven of luxury and privilege. Buddhism's hearth was in Lumbini (now Nepal) Stories vary about how and why Siddhartha went outside the compound one day. But, for the first time, he saw elderly people. He saw people who were sick and suffering. And he saw death. These realities of human life that had been hidden from him moved him so deeply he renounced his home. Knowing his family would want to stop him, he slipped out of the palace in the middle of the night. He chose to leave the comforts he had always known to find the true causes of human happiness and suffering. For six years, Siddhartha wandered through India immersing himself in the religions and philosophies of his time. He became an ascetic: leaving a chosen life of self-discipline, living on as little as possible. The Birthplace of Buddha: Siddhartha Becomes the Awakened One After these years of seeking and learning, Siddhartha remained unsatisfied. He knew he had not yet truly understood or lived the experience of freedom spiritual teachers spoke of. One day, he told his travelling companions he was going to sit under a pipal tree until he realized enlightenment. In his time, this meant release from the rounds of suffering and happiness that humans experience. “Buddha’s birthplace was a village called Lumbini, in what is now Nepal. As the hearth of Buddhism, Lumbini is now a pilgrimage site for Buddhists everywhere.” Siddhartha was true to his word and sat under the tree for 49 days. His friends brought him enough food and water for him to survive. It’s said that during this time his mind threw every kind of temptation at him – from fear to guilt to lust – to force him to give up his quest. But he persevered, until he realized enlightenment. Siddhartha became the Buddha, meaning the Awakened One – someone who is awakened to the truth of human existence. And the pipal tree has since been called the Bodhi Tree or “Tree of Awakening.” Buddhist monk meditating under a tree in Ayutthaya, Thailand The Core Teachings of Buddha From that day on, the Buddha’s teaching developed. One of his core philosophies is the Middle Way. He learned from his life as a prince, then his life as an ascetic, that enlightenment would not come from either of these extremes. He talked about the Middle Way to awakening, avoiding both self-gratification and self-mortification. The Buddha’s teachings remain founded on two doctrines: The Four Noble Truths, and The Eightfold Path The Four Noble Truths are the Buddha’s explanation of human suffering and freedom from it. In modern language, “suffering” is often understood as an extreme condition, such as severe illness or living in a war torn country. Buddha included these situations, but most of all he meant the everyday suffering that can create so much mental and emotional turmoil. These Four Noble Truths are: Life involves suffering (anxiety, anger, grief, sadness) Suffering is caused by desire (wanting our experience or our life to be other than it is) The end of desire is the end of suffering (wisdom and acceptance bring us into alignment with life as it is) The Eightfold Path is the way to end desire. RELATED: How to Practice Buddhism For Beginners The Eightfold Path gives followers a detailed roadmap to develop these attitudes and skills to end suffering: right understanding, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration. “The real birthplace of Buddhism was the heart of one man born over 2,500 years ago. A person who voluntarily gave up a life of ease and luxury to find an ultimate understanding of the human condition.” Collectively, these teachings and others are called the Dharma – the Buddha’s philosophy on how to live a happy, peaceful life. These teachings have become the foundation for the different branches of Buddhism. How did Buddha die? Siddhartha Gautama Buddha is believed to have lived to the age of 80, when he fell ill. By this time, he had travelled much of India and taught his Dharma for 45 years. His illness progressed as he sat outside among the trees, with his devotees. He passed away and attained Parinirvana – the final nirvana upon death. Statues mark the birthplace of Buddha In the Maha-parinibbana Sutta: The Last Days of the Buddha, he said to his most loved disciple and friend, "Therefore, Ananda, be islands unto yourselves…with the Dharma as your island, the Dharma as your refuge, seeking no other refuge.” He was saying, in part, that no external god was needed to awaken – only the practice of the teachings he left behind. RELATED: Do Buddhists Believe in God? Buddha’s death was the final catalyst for the founding of the various Buddhist traditions. The first Buddhist council was formed to compile and codify his many years of teachings, that spread around the world from the original hearth of Buddhism in Lumbini. Takeaway: Buddhism hearth The real birthplace of Buddhism, one of the world’s largest religions, was the heart of one man born over 2,500 years ago. A person who voluntarily gave up a life of ease and luxury to find an ultimate understanding of the human condition and help others. His teachings on the nature of suffering and ethical living have profoundly influenced spiritual thought and practice worldwide. The founding principles of the Buddha flourished after his death and informed the diverse traditions of Buddhism. ● Images: shutterstock/Sombat Muycheen, shutterstock/vectorx2263, shutterstock/Mongkolchom Akesin happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Gratitude | Acceptance | Altruism | Hatha yoga Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Giving someone criticism can be tough, especially if they're sensitive. Learn how to be more compassionate with your feedback and advice by giving criticism constructively. Most of us will have faced an assessment of our abilities and behaviour during our lives, probably at work. Sometimes we will have received some negative feedback, but, hopefully, more often than not, we will have been given constructive criticism. However, according to Gregg Walker from Oregon State University, knowing how to give and take criticism constructively can be a minefield: those giving it are unsure on the best way to deliver it and those on the receiving end of such feedback can often become defensive. But by learning how to rebuke kindly, giving feedback that is meant to improve someone can become much easier. And, according to the author Leo Babauto, before giving constructive criticism it's important firstly to consider, “Would I like to hear that about myself and, if so, what would be the nicest way to say it?”. Constructive criticism: the benefits Whether at work or in one’s personal life, having someone criticize with kindness will have a much more positive result. According to a study by the consultant Marcial Losada and academic Emily Heaphy, effectiveness within a business is measured by financial performance, customer satisfaction and feedback ratings of the team members. The related question is whether positive feedback – actually and truthfully – informs us that we're on track, or is constructive criticism and comments a better way to help us when we're perhaps digressing in a non-positive way. Losada and Heaphy discovered that positive comments such as, “That’s a great idea, but...” is a better way to begin offering constructive criticism, rather than negative comments like, “We shouldn’t even consider doing that.” Constructive criticism in the workplace Jacob Lund/shutterstock/ However, giving negative feedback can also act as a wake-up call, in that it will grab the person’s attention. According to The Joy of Criticism by Peter Fisk, a Ph.D scientist, criticism is actually information, which, when used in the right way, should help us to improve our behaviour. RELATED: ‘I Hate My Job!’ Cultivate These 6 Traits and Love Your Work Fisk uses the 'spinach-on-the-teeth' example, where, at a function, you notice that someone you know has got some spinach stuck in their teeth. The dilemma is: should you tell them or should you pretend you haven’t seen it? If you don’t tell them, then they'll spend the rest of the evening looking ridiculous, so it's probably better to criticize with kindness, as they will surely be grateful and remove the offending food immediately. Fisk goes on to explain that, when giving constructive criticism, it's important to be careful, as being offensive can be hurtful, damage self-esteem and can make the person defensive rather than open to suggestion. “When giving constructive criticism, it's important to be careful, as being offensive can be hurtful and damage self-esteem.” So, when giving constructive criticism, think carefully about the words you want to use. For example, to tell someone that they're lazy gives them no room for manoeuvre, as does negative statements such as “you could” or “you should”. The critic intends only to help and, if the negative criticism seems unpalatable, then think about why it's being said, as, according to Fisk, not all constructive criticism can be given in a supportive and encouraging manner. • JOIN US! Discover our community, a place for learning and growth • Criticism can sometimes, even when given for the right reasons, make us angry. Instead, we have to learn to use it as a way to improve ourselves. However, sometimes it can be given for the wrong reasons, such as in a mean-spirited way, using unacceptable language, or very personal criticism like ”you're useless at your job” or “the way you dress is not suitable”. Try not to get angry if you're on the receiving end of such negative feedback. Instead, ask the person why they're saying these things rather than taking it as a personal attack. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } 10 ways to give constructive criticism EYN.tv/YouTube It may be that they will go on to point out a piece of work that you did or will explain the necessary dress code, allowing you to then take it as constructive criticism rather than negative feedback. Some people find it very difficult to criticize kindly. However, being tactful, as pointed out in this article by Mind Tools, is something that we have to learn as we go through life. RELATED: How to Show Compassion at Work: 7 Tips When criticism is given, it can be upsetting for some people. This is why it's important to always criticize with kindness, no matter how serious the issue. Criticism can make us feel that we've failed and are not living up to expectations, whether it be in our personal or working life. Either way, the effect can be traumatizing when not given in the correct way. How to criticize constructively, with kindness Be impersonal: talk about actions rather than the individual themselves Don't be on the attack: take a subtle approach Offer positives and specific suggestions for improvements Instead of telling the person that they're wrong, talk about a better approach or solution Criticize in a way that will lead to a meaningful discussion Whilst it's best to criticize kindly, it should also be specific and without reducing someone's self-esteem. Think about what you're saying and how you're saying it, as is cleverly summed up in a quote from American lawyer and politician Frank Clark: “criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.” Learn to criticize with kindness © shutterstock/suteren Portray kindness while being critical The philosopher Daniel Dennett wrote pragmatically about “just how charitable are you supposed to be when criticising the views of an opponent”. Dennett considered the relevancy of this in today’s culture where “everyone is a critic”. Dennett is the author of Intuition Pumps And Other Tools for Thinking which includes a section entitled ‘the dignity and art-science of making mistakes’, where he provides an insight into how to avoid making a fool out of one’s opponent. These rules were originally written by the well-known social psychologist and game theorist Anatol Rapoport. Dennett has summarised them to describe how to compose a successful commentary using constructive criticism: Try to explain your target’s position in such a way that it is clear and fairly said. This way, the response can be, “Thanks, I wish I had thought of putting it that way”. List all the points that you agree with, especially if they're not a part of the general, overall consensus of opinion. Mention anything that you've learned from your target, thus offering encouragement. This leads to another point of understanding the importance of knowing how to criticize constructively. Science recommends that – as the critic – we should be aware of the type of person we are criticizing, helping us to take into account their feelings, actions and emotions. Finally, it's also important to analyze, with subjectivity, your observations, as this will help you to criticize with kindness and to add a solid and fair criteria to your sympathetic, well-meaning constructive criticism. ● Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article on happiness.com, please contact us.

The benefits of Vedic meditation are many: improved sleep, clearer thought, and lowered stress. Meditation teacher Ann Vrlak explains how to practise this ancient meditative form and guides you on the power of the vedic meditation mantra. Vedic meditation is an ancient form of meditation practice – in fact, it’s the very first. The many styles of meditation that you see today all originated from this original practice. The source of Vedic meditation is the Vedas, a series of texts that form the basis of Indian philosophy, all branches of yoga, and the science of Ayurvedic medicine. For centuries, all three of these disciplines have had an enormous impact on people’s health and well-being around the world. The Vedas lay out a comprehensive path to a happy and meaningful life through experiential learning. When you practise Vedic meditation, you will go on a journey of self-discovery and apply what you learn to all aspects of your daily living. So, what is Vedic meditation? Vedic meditation is centred on a mantra – a phrase that is repeated either out loud or silently in your mind. “Mantra” is made up of two Sanskrit words: “man” which means mind, and “tra” which means vehicle or transport. So, a vedic meditation mantra is a vehicle to take your mind from one place to another: perhaps from the busy activity of your day-to-day mind to a deeper, quieter place, that is often covered up by that activity. Vedic meditation uses mantras, and can be done at home The most ancient mantras are in the Sanskrit language because Sanskrit is what’s known as a ‘vibrational’ language. What does that mean exactly? It means that the sound of the words, their vibrations, create the experience of the words’ meaning. For example, the Sanskrit word for peace is “shanti.” It’s said that when “shanti” is repeated, the sound itself invokes the feeling of peace. Or when the word for compassion, “karuna,” is repeated, you will be filled with a feeling of compassion. “When you practise Vedic meditation, you will go on a journey of self-discovery and apply what you learn to all aspects of your daily living.” And you probably already had experiences of how relaxing sounds can be. The sound of a running river. Or birds singing. In fact, you don’t relax through thinking about the river or the bird, but from the sounds themselves. Similarly, using a vedic mantra meditation gives your brain something innately healthy to focus on – a break from a busy mind. RELATED: What Is a Sound Bath Meditation and What Are Its Benefits? It’s worth pointing out that Vedic meditation also helps you to be more mindful and do one thing at a time (something which is deeply calming). Indeed, studies have shown that multitasking is actually stressful for our minds and bodies and, in fact, it may not even be truly possible. What are the benefits of vedic meditation? So, before explaining how to practise Vedic meditation with mantras, let’s take a look at its main benefits. If you feel you are healthy, what would that look like to you? A generally healthy person would: Sleep well Vedic meditation nurtures a healthy nervous system. It activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your body that governs relaxation and rejuvenation. Additionally, it helps to reduce stress chemicals that accumulate in your body, and allows a deeper, more restful sleep. Feel relaxed and be able to relax when needed Anxiety and stress are epidemics in our modern world. The relaxing effects of vedic meditation can be used any time you’re aware of being anxious or stressed. And the healing, anti-anxiety effects build over time and lower your overall stress level. Think clearly and creatively Have you ever noticed that when you’re anxious it’s hard to think? The ability to relax in the moment and have a generally low stress level allows your brain to work better. Areas across your brain work together more efficiently so you are more creative and productive. When your nervous system is rejuvenated, you have more resources at your fingertips to respond to your life wisely and compassionately. Be emotionally balanced and calm Your emotions have physical and mental components that can become a vicious cycle, creating upset or intense suffering. Just as your thinking becomes clearer and more holistic through vedic meditation, your emotions also become clearer and more grounded. Have all the energy you need Because Vedic meditation activates the rest and rejuvenate part of your brain, because you’re sleeping well, and because you’re reducing your stress level, your energy levels should soar. Be content Taken all together, doesn’t this sound like a recipe for contentment? You are physically rested and relaxed, and your thinking and emotions are clear and calm, supporting you in your best intentions. All of these things make your connections and relationships with people easier and more fulfilling. And, you have energy for the things that matter to you most. How to practise vedic meditation First, it’s important to know you don’t need any religious or spiritual belief to do Vedic meditation. All you need is a mantra, a few minutes of quiet, and a spirit of adventure. As I mentioned earlier, traditional mantras are in Sanskrit. Give one of the vedic meditation mantras below a try. If for any reason you’re not comfortable with them, you can use words in your own language, like “peace” or “compassion.” How to do vedic meditation in 6 steps Decide on a length of time to practice and do your best to stick to it. You can start with 10 minutes and build up to 40. 1. Choose your mantra. Here are a few traditional Sanskrit mantras OM. The primordial mantra, the sound of the universe or, in Indian philosophy, the sound of pure consciousness. Repeating this mantra can help you let go of personal worries and connect with the universal sound. SO HUM is another ancient mantra which means 'I am that'. Not only can you connect with pure consciousness, you can experience yourself as that consciousness. OM MANI PADME HUM is a lovely mantra meaning “the jewel in the lotus.” Lotus flowers grow in mud. This mantra invokes your power of transformation, your ability to overcome things and find the jewel in difficulty. 2. Find a quiet space When you’re first learning any kind of meditation, it’s best to take time away from your usual daily activities in a quiet space. It can be as simple as a comfortable cushion or chair in the corner of a room. As you become more experienced, it will be easier to close your eyes for a few minutes of practice wherever you are. Find a quiet spot to practise vedic meditation 3. Sit and connect with your body Take a comfortable sitting posture, physically relax as much as you can, and let your attention gently scan your body. Take a few deep breaths, letting go a bit of any tension or stress each time you exhale. 4. Use your mantra Bring your mantra to mind and, if you like, its meaning as well. Know there’s nothing you need to do or create; you’re simply repeating your chosen mantra. Start by repeating it softly, out loud. Focus on the feeling of the sound, how the vibrations feel in your throat, your heart, your stomach – wherever you feel it most. “Using vedic meditation mantras nurtures a healthy nervous system and helps to reduce stress chemicals. It also allows a deeper, more restful sleep.” When you find that your attention has drifted to a memory or a plan or anything else, that’s all part of the practice. Notice where your attention is and gently come back to repeating your mantra. After a moment or two, start to repeat the mantra more and more quietly, until you're repeating it silently inside. RELATED: Turning Pain Into Compassion: Tonglen Meditation 9 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation Does Meditation Really Work? Here's What Science Says If you like, you can lengthen the silence between the repetitions, with the mantra coming out of and going back in to silence. If you find you become distracted in longer silences, come back to repeating the mantra more often. 5. Returning to body awareness When your practice time is almost done, let go of the mantra and bring your attention back to the physical sensations in your body. Again, gently scan your body and notice if areas of your body feel different than before. Also, notice the state of your mind and your emotions. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, just notice what is here for you. 6. Close with a breath When you’re ready, end with another few deep, relaxing breaths. The takeaway: what is vedic meditation? Just like any other activity or skill you learn, getting the full benefits of vedic meditation and mantras takes time. However, by practising it you will become sensitive to subtle body, mind and emotional states – becoming a keen observer of yourself. Indeed, you may notice quite quickly small shifts in your stress level, mood and well-being as you practice. And, you may find, like so many people do, that the act of vedic meditation itself creates an oasis where you experience just a little more relaxation, a little more contentment, and a little more joy. A little of any of these experiences goes a long way in improving your happiness levels! ● Images: shutterstock/Zdenka Darula, shutterstock/fizkes happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum Gratitude | Acceptance | Altruism | Volunteering Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Do the Sunday Scaries provoke that 'I don't want to go to work' dread in you? If so, cultivating these six traits from Dee Marques can help you become happier in the workplace and start looking forward to work. Turn your 'I hate my job' desperation into a 'I love my job' declaration! Work: we all need money to survive, but given the chance, how many of us would willingly work it if we didn’t need to? Our workplace is the space where we often spend one third (or more) of our day, so how we feel about our role can have a serious impact on our overall psychological well-being. In fact, unhappiness at work is actually commonplace. Indeed, you've probably screamed “I hate my job!” or heard one of your friends or family members do same in despair. So, how can we make work, well, work for us? Studies confirm that being unhappy at work over a period of time is linked to feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, stress and sleep problems, as well as higher chances of developing high blood pressure, heart disease, and digestive issues – so not hating your job is actually a serious matter. Engagement is a key 'happy at work' trait However, sometimes we have to accept jobs we’d rather not be doing – the famous “but it pays the bills”. And, truth be told, few people would describe their work environment as being a truly happy place at all times. In fact, being dissatisfied at work has become so common that finding joy in the workplace is almost seen as some sort of luxury. For example, in the USA, nearly half of the workforce claims to be unhappy at work, and the figure is almost identical in the UK, suggesting a happy workplace is uncommon. I hate my job! Cultivate these 6 traits to enjoy work So, what if achieving happiness at work was more than wishful thinking? If you find the 'I don't want to go to work' Monday Blues tend to extend over your entire working week, then cultivate these six things and achieve real happiness in your job. 1. Purpose Purpose is one of the most important factors when it comes to finding happiness at work. Indeed, purpose or meaning ranks high when it comes to achieving a joyful life in general, therefore it’s not surprising that the same applies to finding happiness in your job, too. In fact, a feeling of purpose of life has been linked to higher motivation, commitment and productivity, all of which are positive emotional states that can contribute to happiness and, by extension, stop you hating your job. RELATED: Ikigai: What Is It and How to Find It Try to find purpose at work by thinking about what your job means when the greater good comes into the picture. If you're working in the 'helping' or 'saving' professions – a teacher, nurse, doctor, soldier, etc – then this shouldn't be difficult, but meaningful work isn't restricted to these types of professions. Sometimes it's not easy to discover the purpose in your work, but with just a bit of consideration, things become clearer. Even work considered menial by others can have a greater purpose. “A feeling of purpose has been linked to higher motivation, commitment, and productivity, all of which can stop you being unhappy in the workplace.” For example, think about the people who built great European monuments, like cathedrals and bridges. Their work would have been physically demanding and laborious and maybe they hated it, but they built something that was enjoyed for many generations to come, perhaps creating a sense of satisfaction. If you're always thinking 'I hate my job', you owe it to yourself to consider what would really inspire you to get up in the morning. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility for your professional growth can also help you find meaning and purpose, so set your own goals and make sure they’re aligned with meaningful values. Indeed, if you can find an employer that shares your values, then you're on the way to becoming a happier employee. Finding a career with purpose, such as nursing, can mean happy work 2. Engagement Feeling that your work day is plagued by apathy, finding excuses to go on yet another coffee break, arriving late or leaving early, starting a task then jumping away to browse the web… do any of these things sound familiar? These are all signs of disengagement at work and should be addressed, as they can lead to unhappiness with life, depression and even health-related issues. In fact, a 2015 Gallup survey shows that disengagement or feeling disconnected from work can lead to many health issues. For example, comparing engaged and disengaged employees in the United States, 56 per cent of the latter claimed to be stressed every day (compared with 36 per cent of those engaged), 23 per cent were more likely to be in pain (compared to 14 per cent), and 16 per cent more likely to be diagnosed with depression (compared to nine per cent). MORE LIKE THIS: Why Can't I Focus? 8 Tips on How to Avoid Distractions Feeling Overwhelmed at Work? Here Are 9 Ways to Manage It How to Get Shit Done: 8 Productivity Hacks To stop this from taking away your chance of finding happiness in your career, try to find the source of disengagement. Maybe you feel that your skills are not used to the fullest, or you hate your job because you feel stuck in a rut. Set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager. When you do so, explain that you’d like to be challenged and do more for the company, as this is likely to be well received. 3. Kindness A kind workplace is a happy workplace, or has more chances of being so. Your relationship with coworkers is closely connected to overall job satisfaction, and if that relationship is strained or marked by hostility or competition, it can affect your emotions. This makes sense considering that you’re probably spending 40 hours a week – or more – in close contact. In fact, poor workplace relationships are one of the most common complaints and a leading cause of work-related stress and people hating their jobs. It’s also worth mentioning that some studies have found that feeling lonely or isolated at work also has a negative impact on job performance. RELATED: How to Show Compassion at Work: 7 Top Tips Acts of kindness are an easy and quick way to build a positive work environment. Indeed, small gestures can go a long way. Going to the kitchen to make a drink? Make sure you ask your colleagues if they want anything too (and wipe clean the microwave while you're there, even if you didn't make the mess!). Heading on holiday? Bring a few treats back and leave them in the office kitchen or communal area. Small gestures of kindness create positivity and, in fact, boost productivity. “If you're unhappy at work, set yourself some short and mid-term goals or new responsibilities and bring them up with your manager.” Indeed, research from the Association of Professional Executives of the Public Service of Canada (APEX) showed that incivility has “profound implications on the level of energy, emotional engagement, and performance of work teams.” Its study found that teams in a respectful environment: Have 26 per cent more energy. Are 30 per cent more likely to feel motivated and enthusiastic about acquiring new skills and being exposed to new ideas. Express 36 per cent more satisfaction with their jobs and are 44 per cent more committed to their companies. 4. Flexibility The working world is becoming increasingly flexible with the growth of options like freelancing, working from home, job sharing, and the compressed working week. Of course, flexi-work comes with its pros and cons: key advantages include reduced commuting expenses and freedom to meet personal/family needs, while common downsides are learning to deal with distractions, isolation, and sticking to a schedule. However, importantly, flexibility at work can help achieve a good work-life balance and contribute to a happy workplace. Indeed, research studies have linked workplace flexibility to individual and team effectiveness, stress reduction, and greater commitment to the job. Balancing act: flexible working often boosts happiness If you're always thinking 'I hate my job' and think more freedom and flexibility could help you relieve your unhappiness, approach your employer to see how they feel about flexi-work, highlighting the benefits and your willingness to help create a happy workplace that is conducive to productivity. More and more employers are open to flexible working hours and realizing the potential it has for creating happy employees. Indeed, many companies are toying with the idea of introducing four-day working weeks, with some showing positive results in trials. There's emerging evidence that a compressed working week can boost both productivity and happiness in workers. For example, Pursuit Marketing in Glasgow, Scotland, switched 120 people to a four-day week in late 2016 and claims it has been key in a 30 per cent productivity rise. 5. Appreciation Not feeling appreciated is one of the main reasons why people become unhappy and quit their jobs, as it can be both demoralising and frustrating. Not feeling appreciated can appear in many ways: your manager not paying attention to you, not being paid what you deserve, or not receiving credit for work, or – worse still – someone else taking credit for your ideas. These are all scenarios you may have experienced at some point. “Instead of thinking 'I hate my job', reframe negative thoughts and focus on being adaptable. Start practices like meditation and mindfulness, which can help you develop a more flexible frame of mind – the basis for resilience.” Sometimes it can be the case that employers genuinely don't care about their employees, but it's better to first give the benefit of the doubt: often managers are so busy they haven't realised they've been neglecting you. If you're not feeling appreciated, speak with them or human resources directly and ask for regular, six-month reviews to discuss how you're progressing in your role and the company. Kindness pays: be nice to colleagues and create a happy workplace Prepare well for your meeting and draw up a list of what you want to discuss and all your recent achievements (to jog your manager’s memory of your fantastic work), especially if you're asking for a pay rise. As well as discussing your strengths, discuss any areas where you can develop further. While you're waiting for your chance to shine, you can still show your appreciation for your coworkers (who may also be thinking 'I hate my job!'). This will help generate a more positive work atmosphere and create a happy workplace where people feel valued. In fact, the link between giving and happiness is well documented, since studies show that being generous increases personal happiness, and this includes giving intangible things like our time or appreciation for others. 6. Resilience Stress, uncertainty and unhappiness cannot be completely avoided in the workplace, so the best thing you can do is grow stronger to cope with professional setbacks. In other words, cultivate resilience. This doesn’t mean putting up with what you dislike, as this would only make you feel more disengaged, but rather to change your mindset when that 'I don't want to go to work' feeling kicks in. RELATED: Mindfulness at Work: 6 Productive Tips Instead of thinking 'I hate my job', reframe negative thoughts and focus on being adaptable. Start practices like meditation and mindfulness, which can help you develop a more flexible frame of mind – the basis for resilience. In fact, any stress management technique can help build resilience, as you’ll be in control instead of letting workplace stressors take over your mood. You can also invest in activities that strengthen your inner self, whether than means going on a retreat, taking up yoga, or a creative hobby. The takeaway: I don't want to go to work If you hate your job and are feeling unhappy, invest in developing these six traits – some of the many building blocks of happiness – into your professional life. Taking your time to work on purpose, engagement, kindness, flexibility, appreciation and resilience, and your efforts will pay off. Furthermore, finding happiness at work will also reflect in other aspects of your life. ● Images: shutterstock/Pressmaster, shutterstock/RawPixel.com, pixabay/ludi happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Stress management | Work life balance | Burnout Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Are you living with insomnia or poor slumber? Practising restful yoga nidra encourages deep relaxation, ideal for promoting a healthy night's rest. Ann Vrlak shows you how to do yoga nidra for sleep with her 4-step yoga nidra scipt and meditation guide. If you're looking for a deeply restful meditation practice, read on to learn how to do yoga nidra. You can opt to meditate lying down or in bed, but yoga nidra is unique among meditation practices. Why? Well, in case you've never heard of it before, yoga nidra is an ancient meditation practice first found in written form around 700BC. Its aim is to guide you into a slow, delta wave state where two things happen: you profoundly relax and rejuvenate your nervous system, and you create a receptive state of mind ready to absorb an important intention. Is yoga nidra like other meditation? Many traditional meditation practices focus on being aware of thoughts and feelings – a kind of gentle alertness. Yoga nidra, as a general practice, or yoga nidra for sleep, are designed to take you from conscious states of mind, through relaxed states, to a deep, unconscious but still-awake state. Practise yoga nidra to profoundly relaxes your nervous system Yes, that does sound contradictory, but that is what makes yoga nidra a distinct practice. It came out of a meditation tradition that believes the most experienced sages were conscious, even in deep sleep. Today, the interpretation is less esoteric: that yoga nidra puts the body in a physiological state similar to restful sleep, but the person is awake. It immerses the body and mind in a profound state of relaxation. “Yoga nidra for sleep is designed to take you from conscious states of mind, through relaxed states, to a deep, unconscious but still-awake state.” This is another key difference from most other meditations which encourage staying awake: the goal is deep relaxation that may lead directly into sleep. The meditation is done lying down, guiding you through progressively more relaxed states. For these reasons, yoga nidra for insomnia is a common form of the practice. The benefits of yoga nidra The healing and rejuvenation side of your nervous system, the parasympathetic, is strongly activated by yoga nidra. A whole host of physiological processes are set in motion that improve how your body functions, from your immune system, to reducing stress hormones, to releasing melatonin – the natural chemical that helps with sleep and anxiety. Our yoga nidra script promotes deep relaxation, ideal for sleep We mentioned that yoga nidra for sleep and yoga nidra for insomnia are practises that can help the many thousands of people worldwide who do not have regular, restful sleep – one of the key components of health and well-being. How to do yoga nidra: 4 steps In a typical yoga nidra session, there are four phases: Setting an intention Moving through a body scan Breathing mindfully and accepting experience Ending with a visualization You can use the following yoga nidra script any time. It takes you step by step through how to do yoga nidra. However, practising yoga nidra for sleep, anxiety and insomnia are especially helpful if you have trouble getting off to slumber each night. “The meditation is done lying down, guiding you through progressively more relaxed states. Yoga nidra for insomnia is a common form of the practice.” This meditation practice can take anywhere up to one hour. To do a shorter practice, leave about 30 seconds between each line of the yoda nidra script. If you enjoy the practice, make the pauses as long as you like, to connect with and rest in the instructions. Yoga Nidra Script Turn off any electronic devices and make sure you will not be interrupted. Physical comfort is essential for yoga nidra. You will be lying down for the full practice, so gather blankets, pillows, bolsters and eye covers to set up your body for a supported, comfortable practice. Take as long as you need. When you are ready to begin, start to notice the full plane of contact between your body and the floor or surface beneath you – from the back of your head to your heels. 1. Intention Set an intention for this practice that is important for your personal growth and happiness. Choose something that you feel would have wide-ranging, positive effects on your life. Feel the importance and the effect of your intention. 2. Body Scan Begin a body scan practice, beginning with your thumbs. Become aware of any sensations of warmth, tightness, energy in your thumbs. As you do, consciously relax the area. Move your attention steadily, and fairly quickly, through the rest of your body. Your hands, your arms, your head, your torso, hips, legs and feet. Sense each part as much as you can, holding your intention to rest each part you are aware of. You are not only sensing, but consciously relaxing. 3. Breathing Become aware of your whole body, resting, heavy and supported. Shift your attention to the sensations of your breath. Feel the rising and falling of your chest as the air enters and leaves your body. Notice the breath broadening and collapsing your body to the sides, and to the front and back. Feel the slight echoes of your breath rippling out through your whole body. If thoughts and emotions are present, also let them rest in this relaxed, open body. Let them be, supported and held in this mindful space. On your inbreath, feel energy filling every cell. On the outbreath, feel the letting go, the rest. The flow of life from activity to relaxation. 4. Visualization See in your mind’s eye the vast expanse of space. Stars and planets sit amidst a dark, warm blanket of space. Wherever you look, there are objects with unimaginable space between them, out into infinity. Imagine your thoughts and feelings are like the stars and planets, and you are the observing, embracing space. This observing part of you is present, like space, always there between and behind your experiences. Feel that spaciousness within you, a freedom to allow everything within. To finish your practise of yoga nidra, remember your intention. Hold it in your mind and body. Let this positive intention for yourself permeate your being. Rest for another few moments, feeling the effects of this practice of yoga nidra in your mind and body. Bring some gentle movements back to your body and slowly open your eyes or continue resting if your aim is to sleep. How to do yoga nidra in four easy steps Takeaway: yoga nidra How did it go? You now know how to do yoga nidra for sleep and insomnia. You can also enjoy this unique practice any time you want to give your body and mind a deeply refreshing break. The restful, receptive state that yoga nidra generates is different from other forms of meditation or relaxation. Especially if you do the practice for longer periods of time, you can immerse yourself in a peaceful, rejuvenating space that is unparalleled. You create for yourself a safe space for all parts of your experience, to be held with warmth and acceptance. • Images: shutterstock/Koldunov, shutterstock/fizkes, shutterstock/wavebreakmedia happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum Hatha yoga | Stress management | Burnout Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Meditation is more popular than ever, but many common misconceptions about the practice still remain. So, from aiming to control your thoughts to only meditating cross-legged, Ann Vrlak debunks seven common meditation myths. Meditation is one of the most natural, simple activities we can do, but, ironically, many people find it difficult. There are some good reasons why meditation practice can be challenging, especially for beginners, but one of the biggest reasons is the many misconceptions about meditation and what’s supposed to happen when you do it. Whether you have tried meditation before or not, we’d like to debunk some of the most common meditation myths. We hope this might inspire you to try again – or give this healthy habit a chance. Myth 1. Meditation Means I Have to Control My Thoughts The belief that you have to control your thoughts is the biggest misconception about meditation. Thinking is what your mind does and, generally, it is very good at it! When you try to stop your thinking, your thinking will usually become more active. It’s like trying to stop a river from flowing. Meditation is about learning to relate to your thinking differently. In particular, a core meditation skill is observing your thoughts. To stay with the river analogy, it’s like standing on the shore of the river watching thoughts go by, rather than being carried away by it. Meditation is about observing thoughts, not controlling them This objectivity helps you to better understand what you think about and how your mind behaves. You become familiar with thoughts that upset you or lead you toward bad decisions. Most importantly, it strengthens your “observing mind,” the part of your attention that can be a calm, caring witness of your experiences. This is a much more powerful skill than it may sound. Myth 2: Meditation Makes People Check Out What image comes to mind when you think of someone meditating? It might be someone sitting cross-legged on the floor, with their eyes closed. This image seems to suggest someone who is out of the flow of life, “not letting things affect them.” “Believing you have to control your thoughts is the biggest misconception about meditation. Thinking is what your mind does and, generally, it is very good at it!” Like some meditation misconceptions, there is a hint of truth in this, and a lot of misunderstanding. Often meditation is done in a quiet place, away from daily activity, so you can learn to focus your attention – where you can develop that objectivity we just mentioned. This builds your self-awareness and balance to help you manage life’s challenges with less stress. You become more aware, more engaged – not less. Indeed, meditation deepens your connection with yourself which helps you feel more connected to – and concerned for – others. Myth 3. Meditation Can Only be Done Sitting Cross-legged The image we mentioned before of someone sitting cross-legged on a cushion is traditional, that’s true. This posture puts the body into an aligned, alert position that supports your nervous system. But, in fact, you can meditate lying down or in any position you like because meditation is for everyone. MORE LIKE THIS: How to Meditate in Bed for Beginners Outdoor Meditation: How to Meditate in Nature Mindfulness Vs Meditation: What's the Difference? Fitness, age, injury or energy level does not determine whether or not you can benefit from meditation. In fact, there is an ancient meditation practice called yoga nidra that's done lying down and is a deep relaxation experience for mind and body. Myth 4. I Should Feel Peaceful or Relaxed When I Meditate What if you feel anxious or agitated when you meditate? Does it mean “you’re not doing it right” or “you can’t meditate”? The myth that you will always feel peaceful or relaxed when you meditate is one of the most unfortunate misconceptions about meditation. You can practise meditation anywhere: there are no rules These feelings are, in fact, common first experiences with meditation – and sometimes a recurring one. Why? Because you are slowing down and paying attention to your mind and body in ways you do not usually do. Often there is some stress or an uncomfortable emotion under the surface that we are too busy to notice. Meditation isn’t causing the discomfort, it’s just showing you it’s there. From here, you learn skills to help you respond to your challenges with mindfulness and compassion. Meditation is not about achieving any particular feeling. It’s about learning to be with your experience, as it is, with kindness and curiousity. If you feel anxious, the practice is to be kind with it – not to try to get rid of it. The goal is to grow your ability to be with your experiences, good and bad, without resisting and judging. Myth 5. I Just Don’t Have Time to Meditate There is a popular saying in meditation circles: “If you don’t have five minutes to meditate, you should meditate for 30.” In other words, if your days are so busy that taking five minutes to breathe and be present seems like too much, you need even more of a break! This is a meditation misconception that is easy to accept because modern living does encourage us to do more and more, faster and faster. But, taking breaks to pause, rest our minds and refresh our energy make us more productive, not less. “While there are good reasons to use traditional meditation postures, there are also many benefits to practising meditation lying down or any position you like.” Not only that, but there are many ways to take short meditation breaks in your day. Use a daily activity as a reminder to do a three-minute conscious breathing exercise, like when you're getting ready for bed or getting dressed for work in the morning. Developing a habit of mini-meditations is a wonderful way to create restful spaces in your day. A little meditation can go a very long way. Myth 6. I Need to Have a Spiritual or Religious Belief to Meditate Some of the core meditation practices that are still with us today came out of ancient spiritual traditions. But, those traditions, like Buddhism, have a deep foundation in human psychology and also in equality. MORE LIKE THIS: 10 Types of Meditation: Which Style is Best For You? Meditation For Beginners: Our Top 6 Videos Does Meditation Really Work? Here's What Science Says Meditation was a practice created to help people understand the common causes of suffering and of happiness that affect everyone. There was not, and still is not, any need to believe in any spiritual dogma to meditate. All you need is a desire to better understand yourself to help you lead a happier life. We also now have decades of scientific data that has proven the benefits of meditation, from stress relief to alleviating depression, are shared among secular and non-secular people. Myth 7. Meditation Is Self-Centered Does “going inward” in meditation encourage you to become self-centred? This is one of the more well-meaning misconceptions about meditation. A practice that made you more concerned about yourself than others would not add anything very positive to the world. Meditation doesn't have to be done cross-legged in Lotus position But, meditation is just the opposite. One of the effects of understanding ourselves better through meditation is understanding others better. When you see your own anxiety and work with it compassionately, something automatically happens: you have compassion for others who experience anxiety too. When you relieve your own anxiety through kind attention, you may want to do the same for someone else. Takeaway: meditation myths I hope I've dispelled some of the myths about meditation you may have heard. Especially in the modern world, meditation can seem like an unusual activity, something foreign to our usual way of doing things. It’s true in some ways, but that’s actually a good thing. Taking some time to slow down and breathe, for example, is a simple, healthy antidote to being constantly active. Paying attention to and being kind to your experiences can help you be more at ease in yourself when daily pressures are piling up. If you’d like to try meditation, keep these myths about meditation in mind. Meditation is always meant to be a safe space where you show up as you are, and are met without judgement or expectation. • Images: shutterstock/Monster Ztudio, shutterstock/Max Belchenco, shutterstock/ABO PHOTOGRAPHY happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips Gratitude | Stress Management | Mindfulness Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.