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Depressed, Fear of Death, Insomnia


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It all started in Jan'22. I had been having blood in stools since 4 months, I kept on believing it's hemorrhoids until in March'22 I went through colonoscopy to find, I had a polyp in colon and that had been removed. 


Now terror set in, what if biopsy results said it's cancer, it's all over. My next 3 nights until results were hell. Finally results revealed 2 cm adenomatous polyp with mild dysplasia and no cancer. 


I was relived but had to undergo repeat colonoscopy in 1 year.  My 6 months were ok after that but at 7th month I got constipation and my hypochondiac mind got activated, what if it was cancer, may be doctor didn't remove polyp properly. 


My last 4 months have been he'll, thinking about it and thinking what's point of living and I am dying. I still have 4-5 months for next colonoscopy and fact is even if its ok, I again will have to undergo may be next in 3 years. 


So in short, I'm in hell, can't buy car, new shoes etc thinking what's the point, I'm dying. 


I am popping xanax, Ambien, Remron for sleep but haven't slept well in last 4 months. There have been times where, I haven't slept 10-12 days all together. 


Churning feeling in stomach, fear of death all times,  at times felt suicidal but stopped for my daughter. 


My 14 yrs associated psychiatrist put me on Luvox, I developed low heart rate 53. He never admits that it's because of Luvox, I had to stop it, my family too seems fed up of me. I have had smile on my face months months back. 


If only, I could overcome fear of death and living everyday........ 


Can some one help, I'm in great distress. 


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I’m so sorry your feeling so much pain in life, and you have gone through so much. I’m glad you’ve choose to live for your 14 year old. But know how hard it is being a mum some days when you have blue thoughts. You’ve got this far don’t give up keep strong I know life is testing.
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Am 11.11.2022 at 13:11, schrieb Rajeev-Delhi:

Can some one help

English is not my first language, so I hope I got this right: There was something wrong with your colon, the doctor repaired it and now he keeps an eye on it every few years.

You are affraid, there might be cancer, which could kill you and you was thinking about suicide.

So from a medical point of view, everything is under control and you don't need to worry.


Am 11.11.2022 at 13:11, schrieb Rajeev-Delhi:

thinking what's point of living

The point of living is making the best of what you've got. So if you've got a daughter, spend time with her, share your knowledge and experiences with her and help her making her life better than your own. That should make you pretty happy as a mother.


Maybe you can calm down your fear of death by remembering you have been dead before. You have been dead before your birth and somehow you "survived" it and you don't even remember anything bad from before your birth. So it couldn't have been too bad, right?


But you will probably not die any time soon anyway. You have a lot of time to enjoy all the great things of life.

You can hug your daughter, eat a cake or an amazing pizza, go on vacation and much more.

Life is full of opportunities waiting for you to seize them.

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