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As COVID restrictions relax, many of us are looking forward to getting away again. And taking time out to travel helps us do more than just chill out. As Calvin Holbrook discovers, research suggests that, in fact, traveling offers some important mental health benefits. Whether it's a 48-hour road trip out of town or two weeks in a far away foreign country, travel can work wonders for both our personal and professional lives. And aside from giving us the chance to relax, research has shown that, in fact, travel provides us with a great number of benefits to our mental health. So, here are six key ways traveling is great for mental health and happiness: it'll give you six more excuses to start planning your next adventure! 1. It reduces stress and boosts health The daily commute. Family issues. Relationship problems. Feeling unhappy at work. Our day-to-day lives can be filled with many stressful situations. Taking time away from those things through travel is a great way to clear your head and de-stress, as it temporarily removes us from the places and activities that increase our stress levels. Travelling allows us to forget about our chores and stresses and reset our minds. According to a 2013 study, almost 90 per cent of Americans surveyed noticed significant drops in stress following just a couple of days of travelling. The same study found that women who travelled only every six years or less had a significantly higher risk of developing coronary death or heart attack when compared with women who vacationed at least twice a year. Additionally, men who didn’t take an annual vacation were shown to have a 20 per cent higher risk of death and about a 30 per cent greater risk of death because of heart disease. Travel boosts mental and physical health shutterstock/haveseen Margaret J King from the Center for Cultural Studies and Analysis sums up the stress-relieving abilities of travel well: “With a short list of activities each day, freed up from the complexities of ongoing projects and relationships, the mind can reset, as does the body, with stress relief the main outcome.” 2. It boosts happiness and mood Aside from the obvious point that you don't have to work (and can basically eat and drink pretty much anything), traveling provides you with the perfect chance to step away from the mundane daily grind. Switching up your daily routine through travelling means new experiences and events, which are proven to help rewire the brain and stimulate your mind, in turn boosting both your mood and happiness levels. Furthermore, according to two significant studies, even just the act of planning a trip is proven to raise your happiness levels. Related: Why money can't buy happiness (except when you spend it like this) A 2014 study by Cornell University concluded that the anticipation of a trip increases a person’s happiness levels substantially, more so than the idea of acquiring a new possession, such as a car. This research was backed up by a further study from the University of Surrey that found that people are at their happiest when they have a trip ahead already planned. Moreover, they’re also more positive about their general quality of life, health and financial situation. 3. It makes you more mentally resilient and independent Visiting a new place while traveling is exciting, but it can also be intimidating and challenging. Indeed, facing difficulties in an unfamiliar environment and being among new people and situation often forces you out of your comfort zone. For example, it could be trying to speak a new foreign language, navigating public transport networks, attempting to order and try new foods… While this can sometimes be uncomfortable, this aspect of foreign travel can also make us more resilient, by toughening us up mentally and emotionally. “Travelling allows us to forget about our stresses and reset our minds. According to a 2013 study, almost 90 per cent of Americans surveyed noticed significant drops in stress following after just a couple of days of travelling.” Being out of our comfort zones like this means we have to learn and adapt, which in turn makes us more flexible and patient. And, according to a 2013 research paper by Zimmerman and Neyer, the challenge of travelling in a foreign country can strengthen the 'openness' of our personalities and improve emotional stability. 4. It gives you time to reconsider your life Travelling helps promotes mindfulness as we tend to forget our lives back home and instead focus on the moment and all the nice things we're experiencing. However, taking time out from our regular routine can also provide a valuable time for reflection, especially if you're going through a transitional period in your life. As writer Patrick Rothfuss once said, “A long stretch of road can teach you more about yourself than a hundred years of quiet.” Furthermore, the lessons that you learn along the way during your travels can broaden your perspective, making you more aware and open to new ideas. Likewise, experiencing new cultures gives you a chance to reflect on your own. RELATED: Happiness in different cultures This chance to reflect on life is backed up by Adrian and Christoph from the German travel podcast Welttournee – der Reise Podcast. They are two friends who've travelled together to over 100 countries. Christoph says: “We've travelled to many countries together but from time to time it’s also good to go on the big trip alone. To be able to look, see and judge, it’s sometimes a big advantage, when you are totally on your own and unencumbered – your inner voices begin to speak with you and from this point it could be a journey to yourself.” 5. It strengthens and clarifies relationships Many of the benefits of travelling on mental health we've looked at so far are very focused on individuals. So, how can travel be positive when there is more than one of you on the trip? Well, if you're travelling with a friend or partner, it opens up the possibility to strengthen and clarify the relationship. In our daily lives, relationship stress can occur through miscommunication and other issues, which can in turn affect our mental health. However, traveling with lovers, family or friends, creates not just more time together but a different kind of time together: it provides the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. Travel can help strengthen relationships shutterstock/biletskiy During a trip together you have the chance to experience to many different and perhaps new feelings – awe, confusion, excitement, disorientation – all of which can be meaningful for relationships. Indeed, according to a 2012 survey by the US Travel Association, couples who travel together have healthier and happier relationships compared to those who do not. The phone study provided three key results: Travel has long-term benefits for couples, such as increased closeness and perception of shaared goals/interests Travel helps build and maintain relationships Travel ignites romance and intimacy Furthermore, planning a trip as well as making decisions – and compromises – can help bring you closer and strengthen a relationship. However, on the other hand, these experiences can also bring out hidden clarity to a relationship that was facing difficulties. Some people discover that the relationship with the person they’re traveling with is not worth investing in further and they realise they're not really compatible. 6. It increases depth of thought and creativity If you’re facing a creative block or lacking in direction, travel could do your mental health the world of good by boosting your ability to form new ideas and unlock your creativity through new experiences. You may have previously heard that taking a different route to work every day is beneficial to you. That’s down to neuroplasticity – the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. By changing your environment and exposing your brain to things you haven’t seen before, you’re literally forming new neuronal pathways. And creativity is directly related to neuroplasticity. “According to a 2012 survey by the US Travel Association, couples who travel together have healthier and happier relationships compared to those who do not.” This was backed up with a 2014 study published in the Academy of Management Journal. The research showed that foreign travel and work significantly improved creativity among fashion directors from over 270 fashion houses. But simply being somewhere new is not enough to maximise boosting your creativity. According to the study’s researcher Adam Galinsky, engagement, immersion and adaptation were all critical factors to success. He told The Atlantic: “Someone who lives abroad and doesn’t engage with the local culture will likely get less of a creative boost than someone who travels abroad and really engages in the local environment.” So, next time you go somewhere new, make sure to delve into all it has to offer and connect with the local community: you’ll be forming new neuronal pathways in the brain and may boost your creative juices. The takeaway: travel and mental health Science shows that, apart from just relaxing, travelling and experiencing new cultures helps boost our mental health and happiness in many ways: providing stress relief, boosting our resilience, creativity and happiness, while also improving our relationships. As Christoph from Welttournee – der Reise Podcast says, “We have become disgustingly rich by traveling. Not necessarily in our bank balance, but in a very special way. After each trip we have many stories to tell. We have met many new people, tried new things and become richer in our own way.” ● Main image: shutterstock/frantic00 happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Anxiety | Depression | Compassion Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness.com magazine, as well being an artist and travel lover. He also loves hiking, nature, swimming, yoga, sweaty dancing, and all things vintage! -
Sometimes the obstacles we face in life paralyze us, leaving us trapped. Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares eight tips on how to overcome challenges and restart our lives. Even though many of us hope for a carefree life, it just will not happen. Challenges will always be on our path. Sometimes, it may seem as if the walls ahead are simply too high to surmount. Yet, overcoming challenges is a part of how we learn and grow. Indeed, obstacles give us an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves. History is filled with examples of people who learned how to trounce impediments and develop psychologically from the process. Take Demosthenes, for example. He is now recognised as the greatest of ancient Greek orators. Nonetheless, when he was young, he had a severe speech impediment. He overcame this barrier through a self-designed, disciplined practice. Einstein is another famous example of how overcoming obstacles can result in greatness. Apart from not speaking until he was three, he constantly faced doubt and under-appreciation by adults throughout his childhood and youth. Still, he found a way to develop his talents and become one of the most recognised names in human history. In this article I'll explain how you can perceive overcoming challenges as a means of psychological growth. I'll explain why we need to fight the obstacles we face — and why we need to do it adaptively. Finally, I'll give you eight science-based tips for overcoming obstacles in a way that helps you grow and become braver and more confident. Why you need to overcome obstacles The examples from the introduction illustrate something that is called overcompensation in psychology. When we have an actual or perceived deficit of a sort, we will usually try to offset it by developing it into a particular forte. This strong point will then serve as a counterweight to the shortfall. Overcompensation means going above and beyond what is necessary. Demosthenes could have merely fixed the speech impediment and lived an average life. But no. He became the greatest orator. Examples of overcompensation reveal how overcoming challenges opens the path to psychological growth in life. Albeit going that far is not necessary for every obstacle we face, we must say that avoidance is usually maladaptive (or unhealthy). When we face hurdles, we are presented with a choice. We can either commit to overcoming challenges — or to failing or stagnating. Here’s why. When you avoid dealing with difficulties, you risk experiencing a range of adverse emotions. Some of the most common ones are anger (for your aspirations remaining unfulfilled), guilt (because you know that you did not try hard enough), or envy (when you witness others getting what they want). Support from friends is a key factor in overcoming obstacles shutterstock/Viktoria Kurpas You are also bound to become stressed because problems rarely just disappear. Avoidance of difficulties, research reveals, leads to a diminishing sense of control. In turn, your psychological well-being and mental health will decline. Ruminations are excessive, repetitive thoughts that make it impossible to think productively about anything else. Rumination is tied to avoiding dealing with different life issues. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Self-doubt, anxiety and depression could come as a result of continual failure to achieve goals. Even though it might feel good to rationalise the reasons why you did not realise your dreams at first, empirical findings reveal that this defence mechanism is associated with emotional disorders. Therefore, even though overcoming challenges may feel scary at times, it is vital for your well-being. As you progress through hurdles on your path towards attaining goals, you are simultaneously growing as a person. You develop self-confidence, learn to move beyond self-indulgence, and develop adaptive responses to whatever life throws your way. Overcoming challenges: 8 tips How we respond to complications is highly individualised. It could be affected by our past experiences, mental habits, as well as our personalities. Seeking and overcoming challenges seems embedded in some people’s temperament and personality structure. Nonetheless, whether we are naturally geared towards adventure or not, we will hit an impediment here and there. Overcoming obstacles will be easier if you incorporate some of the following tips on productive coping with challenges. 1. Analyse the problem well It may seem obvious, but the first step to overcoming challenges without difficulty is understanding the problem ahead. Still, many of us fail to approach the issue analytically. You may be amazed by how often we succumb to apprehension, avoidance — or daydreaming and unsubstantiated optimism, on the other hand — instead of scrutinising the problem critically. Therefore, examine where the problem truly lies. Is it a real or perceived obstacle? Which aspect is the most important one? In what order do you need to tackle the elements of the difficulty? What is it that you can and cannot impact? What resources do you need — new knowledge and skills, others’ help, time, or determination? 2. Consider it an opportunity, not a threat A common obstacle to successfully overcoming challenges is our mindset. I will be the first to admit that I'm not the type of person who goes about looking for challenges and adventures. Even more concretely, I used to feel threatened by any new and tricky situation. Still, what I found very useful is changing my perspective. What may not come naturally to you could be developed through practice. “The first step to overcoming challenges without difficulty is understanding the problem ahead. Still, many of us fail to approach the issue analytically.” Those who enjoy challenges — and thrive facing hitches — see every obstacle as an opportunity to become greater, better, different. You, too, can train your mind to think of hindrances as a chance to learn something new and evolve rather than to suffer. 3. Examine and dismantle your self-doubts Overcoming obstacles is often made more difficult by your own unhelpful thoughts, especially if you're used to avoiding facing challenges. When you look at your records and see but a few instances in which you fought a problem head-on, it's easy to succumb to self-doubt. Doubting your abilities, or even loathing yourself for lack thereof, will get you nowhere. What you need to do is to examine and knock down your lack of faith in your skills. Where does it come from? What thought comes to your mind when you anticipate trouble? How does it make you feel? How realistic is such a belief? Could you think about the situation differently (hint — yes, you could)? 4. Keep a record of your past successes One helpful way to deal with self-doubt more effectively is to document one’s successes. Many people tend to overestimate their shortcomings. At the same time, they underestimate how well they can address problems. As a result, their self-perception gets distorted, making them blind to their abilities. Make a CV of your past accomplishments. Do not hold back but praise yourself for everything you achieved. Remember the times when you overcame snags with triumph. What qualities did you need to mobilise to overcome challenges? Write them all down. And then, come to this “CV” whenever you feel a lack of confidence creeping on you. 5. Make a solid plan Once you are clearer on where the problem lies, what unhelpful thoughts might be hindering your success, and which talents you can rally to help you in overcoming challenges, it's time to plan how to do it. In other words, you are highly unlikely to accomplish your goals if you do not combine a belief in yourself with a solid action plan. Define the goal and communicate it to those who need to be involved. Make a step-by-step map of action that is clear and easy to follow. Make sure there are tangible steps and smaller objectives on the way to the final goal. Measure the results — and celebrate them, too. 6. Assemble a circle of support Overcoming obstacles is much easier when you have someone to lean on. Social support has been confirmed to be one of the crucial factors in psychological well-being over and over again. Somehow, life problems tend to seem much bigger when you feel alone in dealing with them. A helping hand from friends is essential for overcoming challenges So, ask for support from the right people. Seek out those who will be supportive, accepting and realistic. Whether it is your friends and family, a support group, or a psychotherapist, an encouraging social environment can do wonders for your self-esteem. It will highlight and nurture your ability to overcome any issue ahead. 7. Meditate Meditation is a technique that can help you integrate the tips we have spoken about above. Meditative practice teaches you to calm your mind and free it from ruminative apprehensions and adverse emotions. It gives you the mental flexibility and physical tranquillity you need for overcoming obstacles with success. Finally, after meditation, you will notice greater clarity in understanding the problem ahead and how you can tackle it. 8. Pledge to self-care Let me be straight — overcoming challenges can be hard work. It's easy to disregard healthy habits when you are entangled with problems. This is why you should commit to a self-care practice and ensure you are well cared for. Broadly speaking, all the tips in this article can be seen as a form of self-care. When you perceive a problem rationally, address unhelpful beliefs and develop a growth mindset and self-confidence, you care for yourself. The same goes for gathering support or meditating. “Once you are clearer on where the problem lies, what unhelpful thoughts might be hindering your success, and which talents you can rally to help you in overcoming challenges, it's time to plan how to do it.” However, what we have in mind here is more specific. It's a well-known set of recommendations to make sure you do not neglect to care for your mental and physical needs. Therefore, eat healthily and regularly. Set up a better sleep routine to ensure both the quality and quantity of sleep you need. Exercise to release some of the accumulated stress. Socialise with the right people and consume quality media content. Finally, pamper yourself and treat yourself to something pleasant and healthy, like a relaxing massage. You will find your mental batteries charged as a result of such a self-care routine, and you will be much more willing to embrace the opportunity to grow from overcoming challenges. Takeaway: Don't run from challenges — embrace them It's perfectly natural to feel anxiety — dread, even — when facing a major challenges in our life. The more important the goal, the graver the fear of not attaining it. You may even feel totally paralyzed. However, obstacles tend not to go away just because we look the other way. So, take the challenges life throws at you head-on. This will show you a doorway to an unbounded field for psychological growth. Embrace the hurdles and snags. Be courageous and believe in yourself. Even though overcoming challenges may feel like you are in freefall at times, be at ease. There is a new 'you' that will catch you on the other side of the obstacle you are facing. • Main image: Maridav happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Self-help | Authenticity | Coaching Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being. -
Making new friends as an adult isn't as difficult as it seems. So, if you've ever thought 'I have no friends', these six tips from Ed Gould will boost your buddy count and your happiness too. The nature of friendship changes over time. When you’re a kid and at school, you learn how to make friends. And even if you struggle to make long-lasting friendships, you learn how to get along with your schoolmates, for better or worse. I’m lucky enough to still have friends that I first met at pre-school, but I think that's quite unusual. In fact, although adolescence is a time when some youngsters struggle with having no friends at all for a period, it's in our teenage years that many people make their most long-lasting friendships. At this time we start to be a little more discerning about who we are, who we get along with, and what we get out of our friend relationships. The shared experience of school days certainly plays its part, but by the time you’re 15 or 16, you’re more likely to hit it off with friends who share your interests and life passions. However, making friends with new people once you’re in adulthood is undoubtedly harder. Indeed, a 2016 study from Finland found that we make increasing numbers of new friends up until the age of 25. After that age, the numbers begin to fall rapidly, gradually decreasing over the duration of a person’s life. But it doesn't have to be this way. So, if you’ve moved, lost friends for whatever reason, or feel isolated from your social circle because of differing lifestyles, what can you do to improve your friend count? Feel you have no friends? Here's what to do Life changes our friendships and you cannot maintain all those that you had in childhood. People drift away from one another when they don't see each other regularly (even if you have the knack of picking up successfully from where you left off). But the power of friendships is important: they can help maintain our mental and physical health. Indeed, these days, scientific research has so much more to tell us about the damaging nature of loneliness. Of course, feeling lonely can impact on children as well as adults, but it certainly affects grown-ups who have a lifestyle that makes it hard to meet new people and make friends. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • According to Harvard University, loneliness is a serious issue that should be regarded as a public health problem like STDs. In fact, having no friends could affect your physical health: a 2015 study found that having strong social connections boosts physical health, as you are less likely to be obese or be living with high blood pressure. Government research from the UK has found that 200,000 people there have not had a meaningful conversation with anyone for over a month. Indeed, most GPs see several people every day who are dealing with the symptoms of loneliness. According to MIND, loneliness can lead to mental health deterioration which, in turn, tends to make you feel more isolated. Of course, this can result in a spiral of loneliness unless you take active steps to counter it. This is where knowing how to make new friends as an adult is such a useful skill. So if you’re one of those people who’s ever said or thought ‘I have no friends’, here are some ways to bring new people into your life and feel happier. 1. Ensure that you're open to new friends If you believe you have few or no friends, then it's first worth considering why. Do you perhaps unintentionally push people away or appear aloof? Do you make the effort to stay in touch with people? Are you always turning down invitations because you are nervous of social situations? Being mindful of your behaviour is an essential starting point. No friends? Don't sit on the fence! Chat to your neighbours © shutterstock/Pressmaster Indeed, it's true that as humans we let friendship opportunities pass us by every day: we can be too shy, too awkward or just unaware to grab them. Try to develop the courage to change that: learn to recognize potential friendships leads and actively follow them. For example, instead of just saying 'hi' to a neighbour, invite them in or pop out for a coffee. If you get served by the same person over and again at your local supermarket, engage in conversation with them – you might have more in common than you think. Indeed, you’ll be surprised by how many potential friends there already are in your immediate orbit! Having awareness is key. 2. Connect with existing contacts Of course, in the combat against loneliness, you could always pick up the phone to an old friend you haven't made contact with for a while. Indeed, some of our oldest friends may be in a similar position and only too willing to rekindle a friendship. Don't remain aloof from old friends or turn down too many social invitations. However, this advice is not exactly the same as knowing how to make new friends as an adult, something that means putting yourself out there a little. 3. Use modern technology – the right way If you feel like you don’t have any friends, there are plenty of apps and social media platforms that you can use to allow people to connect with one another, but you need to use the right ones and in the right way. Twitter, Facebook and Instagram may be a way for people to self-promote and offer up details of the minutiae of their lives – and even been said to isolate people further – but there are some very different apps out there specifically designed to help nurture new friendships. Hey! Vina is a good one for socially isolated mums, for example, as is Peanut. Huggle is another established social media platform that helps strangers to connect with one another, too. You could also create a social event on a platform like Facebook and invite your online acquaintances to meet up in person, a great tip for reconnecting with old friends as well as making new ones. “If you think you have no friends then it's first worth considering why. Do you perhaps push people unintentionally or appear aloof?” And, of course, our very own website, happiness.com, is an excellent place to connect with others on a similar wavelength and perhaps find a deeper sense of community. You can create a profile and find new friends based around your interests. Perhaps you're interested in astrology, spirituality or non-duality, and have struggled to find others that share your passion? Simply add your interests and you can reach out to others that are into the same things. Our happiness forums are also a quick way to share ideas and engage in discussions with people you may want to connect with more deeply. You will find threads on all areas of modern life and well-being, such as mental health, conscious living, sexuality, Buddhism, etc. A great place to start finding your way is in our introduction circle threads. Sign up easily hitting the banner below! 4. Make friends at work If you think you have no friends, one of the best ways you can make new ones as an adult is to mix more with people you work with. If you disappear quickly at the end of the working day or don't join for team lunches then you won't establish new friendships with people you could be genuinely hitting it off with. Make time to socialize with co-workers and get involved with company events, even if it’s just a few drinks after work. Sadly, if you are now remote or home working due to the effects of the pandemic, you might have to skip this idea for now! • JOIN US! Join the caring happiness.com community and make new friends • 5. Volunteer If you're currently unemployed, then you can find new friends by getting involved in your local community though volunteering. Becoming a volunteer is one of the quickest and most useful ways of coming into contact with a lot of potential new buddies. Furthermore, you are more likely to already have something in common if you are working towards a shared goal or cause. In fact, aside from making new connections, the benefits of volunteering are many, and your work with other people will also be of benefit to society in some way. No friends? Then volunteer and make new mates as an adult © shutterstock/Syda Productions 5. Join groups One thing that puts off adults making new friends is that they think it was easy in childhood and so will be difficult as an adult. Actually, often it really wasn’t, and it was only the shared experience of school that made those friendships come to be. If you join a group, you will have a similar shared experience in which friendships can be formed naturally. Crucially, it doesn't matter what the group does or is for. Book reading, sports clubs, woodworking discussion groups and informal mums networks are all as useful as each other. Just pick something that you’re passionate about or interested in trying. According to Psych Central, finding other people like you is incredibly useful for fending off loneliness. You can always combine the previous tip and use technology: MeetUp is a great online resource to join groups in your local area. 6. Walk a four-legged friend According to the British Heart Foundation, walking a dog is not just a good idea for getting the blood flowing and releasing endorphins in your brain that leave you feeling more positive, it can help you make new friends, too. It suggests that you don't even need your own pet – you could borrow a dog from a family member or a neighbour, perhaps offering to take it for walks while they’re on holiday is a great start. “Learn to recognize potential friendships leads and follow them. For example, instead of just saying hi to your neighbour, invite them in or pop out for a coffee.” When you're out and about with a pooch, you're much more likely to get into conversations with other people, especially other dog walkers. Take your dog out at the same time so you bump into the same people regularly. You could even go one step further and join a dog walking group or set up your own! If you don’t want to commit to getting your own dog or prefer not to ask your neighbours, consider signing up to a dog sitting/walking site such as Rover – one more benefit is that you could get paid for it, too! Paws for thought: a furry friend can help you meet new people! The takeaway: I have no friends There are many ways for making new ones, no matter what your age is. It’s never easy to establish completely new friendships, especially if you’re naturally shy. That said, the effort is definitely worth it and many friendships forged in adulthood can be rewarding, both psychologically and in terms of sheer companionship. So, if you’ve ever thought ‘I have no friends’, remember that you can turn things around, but the onus is on you to do it. Also, make sure you follow up regularly with the new people you meet to maintain the friendship: drop them a message to say you had a great time and suggest that you meet up again soon in the future. • Main image: shutterstock/rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy classes Resilience | Confidence | Authenticity | Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki. -
Deep sleep meditation: the benefits you can bring to bed
Calvin77 posted an article in HEALTH & BODY
Quality sleep is an essential component of good mental and physical health, yet many of us struggle to find it. Ann Vrlak explores how deep sleep meditation could increase your chances of improved rest and well-being. Some years ago, I told a doctor friend: “I’m having so much trouble sleeping. What’s wrong with me? Who can’t fall asleep, for heaven’s sake!?” She laughed and said, “Well, only most of the planet!” It turned out she was right. The American Sleep Association says that 50-70 million adults in the US have a sleep disorder. Insomnia is the most common in the short term (30 per cent of Americans), but it also affects 10 per cent in the long-term. In my journey to more thoroughly understand sleep and enjoy better sleep, I have read a lot about how common sleep problems are, how they affect us, and what we can do to improve the quantity and quality of our sleep. As a meditation teacher, I was sure that meditation could play a big role. So, this article is about the benefits of deep sleep meditation and how these practices can help you drift off more quickly and enjoy more restorative sleep. Why deep sleep is crucial My doctor friend told me that Ariana Huffington – the über-successful founder of Huffington Post – left the company in 2016 to form a wellness website focused on sleep. Huffington began this journey when she collapsed one day from exhaustion. She had always been an energetic and healthy person, but sleep was not something she made a priority. Her health crisis motivated her to delve into the importance of sleep and what she calls the “sleep deprivation crisis” of our modern world. Today, a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, studies are showing sleep problems are becoming even more common – yet another effect of the isolation, loneliness and disruption so many of us are experiencing. Deep sleep meditations encourage quality rest If you don’t sleep well once in a while, your body will adapt. However, if you’re someone who regularly has trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep and wake up feeling exhausted, I hope this article will convince you of the importance of aqequate shut-eye and convince you to give deep sleep meditations a try. And, in case you think a chronic lack of quality sleep isn’t a priority in your life, don’t be fooled. Some of the damaging effects include: Impaired judgement Slowed reaction time Weight gain Hypertension Conflicts with others Mental fog and poor concentration Impaired immune system Anxiety and depression Benefits of deep sleep meditation I hope the list above gives you an idea of just how crucial healthy sleep is to you. Sleep is regulated by neurochemicals in the brain which, in turn, regulate a whole range of mental and physical processes. So, when poor sleep is ongoing, just about everything you think, feel and do can be negatively affected. “Deep sleep meditations are a way to encourage your mind, body and spirit to do what it naturally wants to do: rest, heal and rejuvenate.” As you might expect then, the benefits of regular, healthy sleep are just as profound in the positive direction! You can expect to: Feel mentally alert Be able to concentrate and problem-solve Have a high-functioning immune system Better communication and connection with others Be better able to maintain your weight Reduce hypertension, as well as anxiety and depression In a nutshell, regular quality sleep will keep your brain in a powerful, balanced cycle of health that will support you in a whole host of ways. How much sleep do I need? Most adults need between seven to eight hours sleep a night. And, it’s important to sleep close to this amount every night. Three hours one night and 10 hours the next throws your brain chemistry and your circadian rhythm out of balance. When it comes to sleep, routine is king. Deep sleep meditations you can try There are many guided meditations you can try, online or in many of the meditation apps. Whichever you choose, please keep this in mind: sleep is a natural process. It’s not something you should need to force. Deep sleep meditations are just a way to encourage your mind, body and spirit to do what it naturally wants to do: rest, heal and rejuvenate. Every night. Here are a couple of deep sleep meditation videos I recommend. If poor sleep is troubling you, I hope you’ll give them a try. 1. Guided meditation with Tara Brach | 15 minutes This is a lovely breath and body scan deep sleep meditation. At just 15 minutes, it's a great one to practise just prior to heading to bed. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } 2. Jason Stephenson | 1 hour This guided meditation is an example of another type of deep sleep meditation: a visualization journey. Stephenson’s “Floating Among the Stars” meditation begins with a relaxation session then takes you through a visualization experience. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The power of deep sleep meditations Meditation is uniquely suited as a before-sleep routine, especially deep sleep meditations that help you release stressful thoughts (the biggest cause of insomnia for many of us). Breath and body scan meditations are the oldest and most effective deep sleep meditations. Here are just a few reasons why these meditations will be a helpful tool if you have sleep issues. Again, they will help you to focus on your body and physical sensations, instead of your thoughts. You might have noticed that your troubling thoughts all seem to come out when you get into bed! Not only that, but if you’re like me, you might try to think yourself into sleep; you can probably guess how well that works. Meditation enables your pre-sleep brain shutterstock/shurkin_so I can’t overstate how much your sleep will improve if you embrace deep sleep meditations that gently direct your attention away from your thoughts. If you try to STOP your thoughts, this is a direct path to frustration. But if you give your attention something else to focus on, you’ll start to feel your mind relax. Saying that, it’s really important not to expect your mind to go willingly at first. Thinking, planning and worrying as we settle down for the night are all ingrained habits for most of us. So, please be patient as you try any of these deep sleep meditation. MORE LIKE THIS: Cat naps – 5 health benefits of taking a siesta Feel stress-free fast: 11 science-backed techniques 14 sleep hacks to get a good night's rest As you focus less on your thoughts and more on your body, you will set in motion the relaxation response in your brain. Paying attention to your breath and bodily sensations tell your brain that you’re “safe.” Your parasympathetic nervous system, that governs all kinds of wonderful healing processes, sends relaxation chemicals throughout your body. This supports not only your sleep, but your ability to relax and open further to deep sleep meditation. “Meditation is uniquely suited as a before-sleep routine, especially deep sleep meditations that help you release stressful thoughts.” Another strength of deep sleep meditations that focus on breath and body is that they bring you into the present moment. You need to be present to feel the subtle sensations of warmth or coolness as you breathe, or the tension in your shoulders or stomach. This kind of sustained, kind, precise attention to what you’re experiencing right now gathers your attention from the many places it may be wandering, to one gentle, aware place within yourself. Try it. You may be surprised how calming paying attention to one thing can be! These meditations for deeper sleep also help you to become quieter, to notice the silence within your breath and within your body. These quiet spaces are small doorways that say, “This way! I’ll take you to the quiet, rest and release of sleep.” Most meditation traditions see great value in reaching deeper sleep, rather than the superficial level of sleep which is also all too common. They provide an opportunity to sink into the thought-less realm of your being, every day, and bathe in pure awareness. Because most of us spend much of our days doing, planning and being busy, this deeply restful time is seen as an essential oasis of healing and rejuvenation for mind, body and spirit. Conclusions: deep sleep meditation Quality sleep is an integral part of good mental and physical health. Sadly, many of us struggle to get adequate rest due to stress, worry, anxiety and overthinking. However, we can use deep sleep meditation techniques to encourage our body to enter a state of relaxation and rest. Try watching the videos suggested and following the above tips to help you on your way to a good night's rest. Sweet dreams. • Main image: shutterstock/Billion Images happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Stress management | Mindfulness | Burnout Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery. -
So true, Physical and mental health both are most important for healthy and happy life. Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. You should take care of it. If you want to improve your mental health you should go for life coaching. Last year when i was in depression and this is the main reason of my mental health someone suggest me for life coaching to feel free from depression and improve mental health as well. Life coach helps you to feel free from depression and improve 1 your mental stability. He should deal with your mental health and improve this.
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Physical and mental health both are most important for healthy and happy life. Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. You should take care of it. If you want to improve your mental health you should go for life coaching. Last year when i was in depression and this is the main reason of my mental health someone suggest me for life coaching to feel free from depression and improve mental health as well. Life coach helps you to feel free from depression and improve 1 your mental stability. He should deal with your mental health and improve this.
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Mental illness, also called mental health disorders, refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors
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We all spend too much time 'in our heads' now and again. But overthinking regularly can be detrimental to our mental health if those thoughts are negative, so it's important to remember you are not your thoughts. Dee Marques offers some mindful exercises to help you do just that. Have you ever wondered how many thoughts we have in a day? It may seem impossible to calculate, but actually, we do have an answer. In fact, psychologists at a Canadian university have quantified the average number of daily thoughts an adult has as 6,200. This figure seems to confirm that we spend a lot of time in our heads. And there are plenty more studies to confirm this. For example, an article published in Science magazine reported that we spend more than 46 per cent of our waking hours thinking about things that aren’t related to what we’re doing in any given moment. Of course, thinking isn’t all bad and letting the mind wander can have its benefits. However, from a mental health perspective, it’s important to be aware of the content of our thoughts, and of the impact they can have when we let them run loose. Negative self-talk and rumination are real problems. Indeed, back in the early 2000s, researchers at the United States National Science Foundation estimated that 80 per cent of our thoughts are negative, and 95 per cent of them are repetitive. Looking at these statistics, it’s easy to understand how much our thoughts can affect our quality of life and potential for enjoyment. Get out of your head: you are not your thoughts! shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Psychiatrist Sigmund Freud once asked, “Where does a thought go when it’s forgotten?” Although this complex question has no definitive answer, there’s one thing we know: your thoughts leave a footprint in your mind. Sometimes, they can become a part of your identity, but here’s the thing: you are not your thoughts. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and moderate their impact. In this article, I’ll explain why you are not your thoughts and how you can curb the effects of negative thinking on your everyday life. The negative effects of brain chatter Self-talk, brain chatter, mental noise… whatever we call it, it's important to understand that allowing certain mental patterns to take control can be harmful. Well-being is a matter of balance. If we spend too much time focusing on thoughts, we run the risk of tipping the scale too heavily in one direction. In other words, if we think too much, that can mean that we’re acting too little, and life requires a healthy balance between thinking and acting. “If we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. Thoughts are not facts, and you are not your thoughts.” Moreover, if we don’t learn how to curb our negative inner dialogue, we can expose ourselves to unnecessary suffering and unhappiness. Living in our heads and dwelling on our thoughts can lead to rumination. This potentially toxic habit can cause multiple mental and physical health issues, from depression to high blood pressure, including insomnia, anxiety, and excessive alcohol consumption. Rumination is everything but productive. When we enter this state, we’re more likely to get trapped in cyclical thoughts and to believe we have no power to act on whatever is worrying us. The result is a pessimistic and passive outlook on life – the opposite of the healthy belief that you are not your thoughts. And while we’re stuck ruminating about the past or the future, we’re not acting in the present, which is the only thing over which we have some degree of control. RELATED: Learn how to stop overthinking Another danger is that if we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. You must remember that thoughts are not facts, and that you are not your thoughts. Let’s look at how to do this. You are not your thoughts: how to make it real First, identify what causes the problem. Keep a diary of your thoughts to see if you can find any patterns to when they appear or what triggers them. Common triggers are watching the news, mindlessly scrolling through social media feeds, and monotonous or repetitive tasks, like cleaning or driving the usual commute. Once you’ve identified the triggers, think of something that will keep your mind busy when the thoughts appear. For example, if this happens when you’re driving, make a habit of listening to uplifting podcasts about happiness or audiobooks. A digital detox can be a real eye opener and a big step in helping you realise that you are not your thoughts. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques The second suggestion is not to suppress those thoughts completely. You don’t want to encourage the “don’t think of an elephant” effect. Instead, give yourself 15 minutes a day to calmly consider your worries. Set an alarm and once it goes off, remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, and carry on with your day. It can also help to take an active approach to your worries. Write them down and think about what can you do about them. You may want to use brainstorming techniques to be creative with problems instead of letting them define your life. Exercises to practise If uncontrolled thoughts have become mental noise that drains your energy, you can learn to silence them with mindfulness. This practice trains our brain to observe thoughts instead of automatically acting or reacting on them. Here is an exercise suggestion: The key is to observe thoughts with curiosity and without judgement, noticing how they feel as they enter and leave your mind. Make a mental note of whether the thoughts run fast or slow, what are the common themes, find out if they’re repetitive or different. As you do this, you can imagine a crystal clear stream. It’s autumn and tree leaves are falling. Imagine each leaf is a thought, and watch them fall, enter the stream, and be washed away until you can no longer see them. Learn to simply observe your thoughts with curiosity After the mindfulness exercise, you can also try to find out the intention behind those thoughts. Every emotion has a positive purpose, but sometimes our mind doesn’t allow us to see it, because it goes into rumination mode automatically. For example, anxious thoughts could signal a need for self-care and protection. Sadness can prompt us to adjust to new circumstances and develop new tools to thrive. Whenever negative thoughts make you feel anxious, find some quiet space to be present in the moment. You can sit or lie down in a comfortable position and focus on how your body feels against the floor or chair, taking your time to do a body scan from head to toe. If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge now. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren’t always a reflection of reality. “If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren't always a reflection of reality.” Repeated mindfulness sessions can help you win the fight between a restless “monkey mind” and the logical or rational mind. Over time, you’ll notice how your power to deflect unwanted thoughts improves, and how the idea that you are not your thoughts becomes a reality. One last suggestion is to work on self-acceptance. It takes time to get hold of your thinking habits and to fully understand that you are not your thoughts, so don’t be too hard on yourself in you don’t get it right 100 per cent of the times. And don’t forget to look over previous blog posts, where we listed great mindfulness podcasts to keep you motivated or explored different ways of incorporating mindfulness into your daily life. Takeaway: you are not your thoughts Negative self-talk can make it hard to believe that you are not your thoughts, and mental noise can be draining. But as powerful beings, we have the resources to be in control and to stop letting our thoughts dictate how our mood and actions. Try the suggestions in this article, and if in doubt, remember: you are not your thoughts, you’re much more than that! • Main image: shutterstock/Dragana Gordic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Letting go | Acceptance | Self Care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter. -
There were many feel-good health and environmental stories in the press during June, but you may not have seen them. Ed Gould shares his Top 10 from the past month to uplift and inspire. With so much upheaval in the world and some frightening stories dominating the headlines, it's good to know that June also saw its fair share of positive news. If you haven't seen many good news stories from the last month, then this selection should be enough to raise your spirits. 1. Extinct orchid rediscovered in Scotland Let's start with some great news for nature lovers. An orchid species that's so rare it was thought to be extinct has been found growing on a remote Scottish estate. Situated somewhere in the Highlands, the exact location of the plant is being kept a secret since it has not been successfully identified for over two centuries. According to a report by the BBC, the coralroot orchid was unexpectedly rediscovered by an ecologist named Gus Routledge. Meanwhile, another rare orchid specimen also thought to have died out was rediscovered in Vermont, USA. Incredibly, it's thought this example hadn't been seen since 1902! Now, that's what we call flower power! 2. Dance and mindfulness combined help mental health It's long been known that physical activity, such as dance, can help to alleviate bad moods and even lessen the severity of mental health conditions like depression. Mindfulness is also a much-studied area of academic research with respect to mental health. However, according to Adrianna Mendrek, a Professor of Psychology at Bishop's University, writing in the Deccan Herald, when the two are combined there is a noted effect on the somatosensory cortex. This is an area of the brain well-known for its ability to physically alter – a process known as neuroplasticity. Because this part of the brain connects directly to so many others, it's thought that this is why it could help mental health outcomes so readily when both dance and mindfulness are combined. Mindful dancing boosts mental health shutterstock/Prostock-studio 3. Swiss plastics researchers offer hope Materials scientists in Switzerland have teamed up with colleagues in neighbouring Austria to come up with a sustainable source of hydrocarbons for one of the trickiest plastics to recycle – PET (polyethylene terephthalate). They've come up with a plastic that has similar, durable properties, which means it could even be used for bottles and food containers. The difference? According to a report in MENA FN, this material is derived from biomass waste. Key to the technique is retaining sugars within the natural material that can be used to form strong molecular links. It's also hoped the material will soon be used by 3-D printers. 4. Vitamin D may ward off risk of stroke and dementia As reported in numerous press outlets in June, vitamin D deficiency has been found to be a significant contributory factor in the incidence of both stroke and dementia. As a result, it's thought that simply getting more sunlight could be a contributing factor in staving off both conditions, according to researchers at the University of South Australia. In addition to getting more sunlight, researchers think that consuming more oily fish – a good natural source of vitamin D – will help ensure longer-term brain health. RELATED: How to talk to a parent with dementia 5. Drones used to prevent plastics entering the ocean A Dutch firm called RanMarine has developed aquatic drones that are being deployed in the country's waterways to collect plastic rubbish that would otherwise eventually find its way to the sea. According to a story in EuroNews, the drones measure around 1.5m, meaning they are large enough to collect about 160 litres of rubbish on each deployment. The project has already caught the attention of the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Many think capturing plastics before they get into the open ocean is much easier and, therefore, a better tactic than trying to deal with them after they've already got there. 6. Video gamers receive a boost to their intelligence Many people think playing video games is a waste of time but recent research sheds new light on this popular activity, even going so far as to suggest it can boost intelligence! A study from a Swedish research institute has concluded that video gaming helped certain cognitive abilities – such as problem-solving – to grow. RELATED: Games are changing our lives... for good! As many as 5,000 children took part in the study and their cognitive abilities were tested two years apart so that their brain development could be established over time. Overall, the researchers found that screen time wasn't necessarily bad and that, on average, cognitive function was improved among those playing video games. Given the world has been enjoying video games since the 1970s, this is great news for gamers. Playing video games could boost intelligence shutterstock/LightField studios 7. Smart CO2 energy battery launched in Italy The Italian island of Sardinia is home to a new CO2 battery, a green technology that offers a long-duration storage option for renewable energy. According to Claudio Spadaccini, the CEO behind the project, the breakthrough technology is already commercially available to make cost-effective renewable energy on a worldwide scale. The idea is that CO2 batteries are less costly and better for the global environment than lithium-ion alternatives because they require no mining and used a closed-loop system. 8. Wooden wind turbines offer an ecological alternative Wind turbines may create green electricity but they're often made from carbon-intensive materials. However, if sustainable wood can be used instead, then they'll operate in an even more environmentally friendly way over their life cycles. According to a report in Treehugger, this is exactly what one Swedish firm, Modvion, is trying to do. A large-scale prototype to demonstrate the viability of wooden wind turbines is already underway. A 30-metre turbine has already been made. Now, the company is in the process of upscaling the idea to a 100-metre turbine that could soon be commercially available. 9. Coffee consumption could extend life So long as it’s not drunk to excess, coffee may help us to live longer, according to a report by NBC News. A recent UK study of 120,000 people compared mortality rates among coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers. It found that people who drank 1.5 to 3.5 cups of coffee a day had a lower risk of death than non-coffee drinkers – even if they added sugar to their daily brew! The study also found that coffee drinking was associated with a decreased risk of kidney disease, Parkinson’s, type-2 diabetes and some cancers. A coffee a day keeps the doctor away? shutterstock/bbernard 10. Optimists are likely to live longer, not just think they will! Here's a great piece of feel-good news to finish on this month. Being optimistic might make you think you will live a long and happy life, but a new study has shown that optimists really do have longer lifespans on average! According to a report in Woman's World – and numerous other outlets – scientists at the Department of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard T.H. Chan School found that positive psychological outlooks correlated not only to longer lifespans but a healthier ageing process among a wide number of different social groups. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Biology | Sustainability | Biotechnology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki. -
Breaking into a new mind set
ButterflySeer693 replied to Wnewborn 's topic in Introduction Circle - A warm welcome to happiness!
Hello! I saw the angel number 444 so I knew I had to reply when I saw this topic. First I want to say that it takes a lot of courage to talk about mental illnesses and addiction. I have also had a long life of being told I was mentally unwell. Then after my failed marriage, I was introduced to drugs at 28 years old. So I completely understand. I loved that you said our illnesses give us super powers! I used to believe that. Lol now I can see that we all have gifts and powers BUT it's a matter of choosing to see and wanting then, learning and practicing, and then using them to help others. It sounds like you are/have been experiencing a spiritual awakening. And/or an ego death/dark of the soul. I have been through these myself. It can be so painful but also so enlightening and liberating at the same time. My last one occurred when I had felt abandoned by literally the whole planet. Not a soul to turn to. I now know that this was all part of my soul mission. I knew I had to back myself so far into a corner that I'd have no choice but to look within and when I did, I found the universe, spirit, God. Whatever term you'd like to use. I have learned so much about myself and I now know that since I understand myself, I can better understand others, and ultimately the world. I just wanted to tell you that the super powers you have, you were born with. It just took the universe shaking your life down the foundation for you to gain a different perspective and begin to build from the ground up. The spiritual journey isn't for the weak of heart or mind. It is a true test of FAITH! Congratulations and continue keeping that positive attitude!! It will take you wherever your heart desires! -
The mystical Power of the mind for Wealth We know men and women who do not strive or slave hard but work a few hours a week and make fabulous sums of money. If you are having financial difficulties trying to make ends meet, it means you have not convinced your subconscious mind that you will always have plenty and some to spare. It’s high time we stopped believing the story that the only way we can become wealthy is by the sweat of our brow and hard labor. No it is not so; I think the effortless way of life is the best. We must start doing the thing we love to do and do it for the joy and thrill of it. I know many executives in the country who receives salary of hundreds of millions yearly going on month cruise seeing the world and its beauty spots. Privileged, one in our discussions said to me that he had succeeded in convincing his subconscious mind and that he is worth that much money due to tapping the treasure house of his mindset. He told me that many men in his organization getting about hundreds of thousands a week knows more about the business than he did and could manage it better, but they had no ambition, no creative ideas and are not interested in the wonders of their subconscious mind. Wealth is of the mind Wealth we now know is simply a subconscious conviction on the part of the individual. We absolutely will not become mi-billionaires by saying “I am a mi-billionaire.” We must grow into a wealth consciousness by building into our mentality the idea of wealth and abundance. Our invisible means of support Noticeable is the trouble with most of us especially in the horns of Africa is that we have got no invisible means of support. When business falls away, the stock market drops, in other words, we lose our investments, we seem helpless. The reason for such insecurity is that we do not know how to tap the universal openings of our subconscious mind and we are unacquainted with the inexhaustible storehouse within us. Men with poverty type minds find themselves in poverty stricken conditions while others with minds filled with ideas of wealth are surrounded with everything they need. It’s all about the ideas you habit yourself with. It never is intended that man should lead a life of indigence. Yes you can have wealth, plenty to spare and everything you need. Your words have power to cleanse your mind of wrong ideas and to instill right ideas in their place. Ideal method building a wealth consciousness There is no conflict in the mind when we say, “Wealth.” Furthermore, the feeling of wealth will well up within us as we dwell on the idea of wealth. Perhaps you are saying as you read this chapter, “I need wealth, success and comfort.” This is what you do: Repeat to yourself couple times a day in belief and effort towards achieving what you desire, trusting in Divine powers, “Wealth, Success, comfort.” Acknowledge that these words have tremendous power and that they represent the inner power of the subconscious mind. Anchor your mind on this substantial power within you then conditions and circumstances corresponding to their nature and quality will be manifested in your life. Remember: you are not just saying, “I am wealthy,” rather, you are dwelling on real powers within you. The feeling of wealth, success and comfort produces results; keep this in mind at all times. Our subconscious mind is like a sort of universal financial institution that magnifies whatever we deposit or impress upon it whether it is the idea of wealth or of poverty, comfort or discomfort. We must choose wealth, success, comfort, love, etc. Why our affirmations for wealth fail Talking to many people whose usual complaint is, “I have said for months and years, ‘I am prosperous,’ and nothing ever happened.” Discovering that when we say “I am prosperous, wealthy well established or so,” still we feel within that we were lying to ourselves, we never deemed to exert efforts to work towards achieving our desire and if we did, neither did we exert patience. “I have affirmed all positive words until I am tired” these words a friend and colleague said me. “Things rather are getting worse. I knew when making the statement that it was obviously not true because there never was any aorta of hope.” His statements had already been rejected by the conscious mind coupled with reasons of not exercising some patience and belief, the very opposite of what he outwardly affirmed and claimed was made manifest. Our affirmation succeeds best when it is specific and when it does not produce a mental conflict or argument hence; the statements made by us make matters worse because we suggested our lack. Our subconscious accepts what we really feel to be true not just idle words or statements and the dominant idea or belief is always accepted. Avoid mental conflict Affirmation will not arouse any argument because it does not contradict your subconscious mind impression of financial lack so, making this practical statement frequently, particularly probably prior to sleep or hobby daily helps you think best “Lord I am prospered in all of my interests.” In one of the contracted business plans I suggested to this businessman whose sales and finances were very low and who was greatly worried choosing from alternatives a different line of business. To him I said “Get seated in your office after work or catch time to yourself in a very far isolated place, become quiet and repeat this statement in faith: “My sales are improving every day thanks to your will father.” This statement engaged the cooperation of the conscious and subconscious mind and awesome results followed. Don’t sign blank checks When we are full of fear about the future, we are also, directly writing a blank check and attracting negative conditions to ourselves. We sign blank checks when we make negative statements such as, “I will lose the house because of the mortgage,” “I won’t make it because I have no money,” etc. Our subconscious mind takes our fear and negative statement as our request and proceeds in its own way to bring obstacles, limitation, delays, and lack into our life. Our subconscious gives us compound interest The subconscious multiplies and magnifies whatever you deposit in it. Every morning as you awaken, deposit thoughts of prosperity, success, wealth and peace and dwell upon these concepts. Busy your mind with them as often as possible and these constructive thoughts will find their way as deposits in your subconscious mind and bring forth abundance and prosperity remember that to him that hath the feeling of wealth, more wealth shall be added but to him that hath the feeling of lack, more lack shall be added. Why nothing happened Still skeptical you are now as I can hear you saying, “Oh, I did that and nothing happened.” You got no results because you indulged in fear thoughts perhaps few minutes later and neutralized the good you had affirmed, equally not working to achieve what you affirmed with little to no patience. Now tell me: When you place a seed in the ground, do not dig it up? No. You let it take root and grow right? Suppose, for example, you are going to say, “I shall not be able to make that payment.” Before you get further than, “I shall,” stop the sentence and dwell on a constructive statement such as, “Thank you father for I am prospered in all my interest.” True source of wealth There are within the subconscious infinite number of ideas ready to flow into our conscious mind and appear as cash in our pocketbook in countless ways so, it is never short of ideas. This process continues to go on in our mind regardless of whether the stock market goes up or down in other words, whether our financial pocket drops in value. Our wealth is never truly dependent on bonds, stocks, or money in the bank because these are really only symbols necessary and useful, of course, but only symbols. The point I am embittered to emphasize on is that if you convince your subconscious mind that wealth is yours, and that it is always circulating in your life, you will always and inevitably have it regardless of the form it takes (lands, physical cash, businesses, cars, house, family, peace, comfort, etc. Trying to make ends meet and the real cause Most of people who claim that they are always trying to make ends meet seem to have a great struggle to meet their obligations. Have we listened to their conversation? In many instances their conversation runs along this vein; constantly are they condemning those who have succeeded in life and who have raised their heads above the crowd. Perhaps they are saying, “Oh! That fellow is ruthless and a crook.” You know why? This is why we lack; we condemn the things we so desire and want. The reason we speak critically of our more prosperous associates is because we are envious and covetous of their prosperity. The quickest way to cause wealth to take wings and fly away is to criticize and condemn others who have more wealth than us making our comfort zones more of centre for criticisms. A common stumbling block to wealth Envy is the one emotion and cause of the lack of wealth in the lives of many. Most people learn this the hard way. Example, if we see a competitor depositing large sums of money in the bank and we have only a meager amount to deposit, does it make us envious? The way to overcome this emotion is to say to ourselves, “Isn’t it wonderful! I rejoice in that man’s prosperity. I wish for him greater and greater wealth as I work and believe in God to making me attain his level” Entertaining envious thoughts is devastating because it places us in a very negative position therefore, wealth flows from us instead of to us. If we are ever annoyed or irritated by the prosperity of another, we must claim immediately that we truly wish for him greater wealth in every possible way. This will help neutralize the negative thoughts in our mind and cause an ever greater measure of wealth to flow to us by the law of our own subconscious mind backed by the omnipotent and present power of the heavenly throne. Rubbing out a great mental block to wealth When we are worried and critical about someone whom we claim is making money dishonestly, cease worrying about him. We know such a person is using the law of mind negatively; the law of mind takes care of him. Be careful not to criticize him for the reasons previously indicated. Remember the obstacle to wealth is in our own mind. We sure can destroy that mental block and that we may/should do by getting on mental good terms with everyone. Sleep and grow rich Lull yourself to sleep with the one word and imagination, “Wealth, prosperity, etc. then getting up and fighting to the realization of this desire” you will be amazed at the result. Your desire shall flow to you in avalanches of abundance. As you go to sleep at night, practice the following technique. Repeat the desired words quietly, easily and feelingly and doing this over just like a lullaby. This you will attest as a true example of the magical power of the subconscious mind. Serve yourself with the powers of your mind 1. Decide to be wealthy the easy way with the infallible aid of your subconscious mind. 2. Becoming the richest man in the graveyard is trying to accumulate wealth by the sweat of your brow and hard labor. You do not have to strive or slave hard. 3. Build into your mentality the idea of wealth, prosperity, etc as a subconscious conviction. 4. The trouble with most people is that they have no invisible means of support. 5. Repeat the desired words to yourself slowly and quietly couple times prior to sleep and hobby and your subconscious will bring results to pass in your experience. 6. Keep in mind at all times that the feeling of desire produces results. 7. The mind (conscious and subconscious) must agree. Your subconscious accepts what you really feel to be true. The dominant idea is always accepted by your subconscious mind. The dominant idea should be positivity, not negativity. 8. Overcome any mental conflict regarding wealth by affirming frequently. 9. Stop writing blank checks. Negative statements magnify and multiply your loss. 10. Deposit thoughts of prosperity, wealth and success in your subconscious mind and the latter will give you compound interest. 11. What you consciously affirm, you must not mentally deny a few moments later. This will neutralize the good you have affirmed. 12. Your true source of wealth consists of the ideas in your mind because you can have an idea worth mi-billions. Your subconscious will give you the idea you seek. Envy and jealousy are stumbling blocks to the flow of wealth. Rejoice in the prosperity of others. 13. The limitation or obstacle to wealth is in your own mind. Destroy it now by getting on good mental terms with everyone. -
What is a vulnerability hangover and how do you deal with them?
Calvin77 posted an article in PERSONAL GROWTH
Getting things off our chest and sharing helps us feel better, we’re told. However, what about the shame or fear of judgment that can sometimes follow? Sonia Vadlamani explains what causes this initial regret – known as a vulnerability hangover – and how to overcome it. Most of us have felt vulnerable whilst expressing our emotions at some point. We may have silently admonished ourselves for revealing too much on a date or at a dinner party, a heartfelt birthday card that we regret spending time on as soon as it’s gifted, or a poem or Instagram post penned with wholehearted emotion that feels too raw once published or shared. In most scenarios like these, a feeling of regret sweeps over us, leaving us feeling guilty for over-sharing. As an ‘extroverted’ introvert, I feel the need to build deeper connections, yet be in control of my environment all the time. This often makes sharing personal views and experiences difficult for me. It’s the same whenever I write an article or blog post and publish it for the world to view. For me, my vulnerability hangover is the feeling of exclaiming “Aarghh! What did I do” or “What was I thinking!” out loud to myself, when I recollect a moment that made me feel emotionally exposed. So, what is a vulnerability hangover? Coined by renowned storyteller and researcher Dr Brené Brown, a vulnerability hangover is the gut-wrenching feeling of shame and fear that pops right after we undertake an emotional risk. It refers to the aftermath we experience in the form of an ‘emotional cringe’ upon deciding to put ourselves out there. A vulnerability hangover is also mentally exhausting and can last between a few hours to several days, depending on how risky a revelation or sharing one has considered it to be. While the original motive behind opening up is to gain support and form fulfilling connections, the vulnerability hangover makes us wish that we had never revealed a part of our personality, or that we could go back in time and undo the action that makes us question ourselves now. Why do they happen? If vulnerability hangovers don’t mean the end of the world, one may wonder why we suffer with doubt and anxiety over opening ourselves up in the first place. Most of the time, we feel vulnerable because as we reveal our personal aspects to make meaningful connections, we’re also potentially subjecting ourselves to being evaluated and rejected. “Coined by renowned storyteller and researcher Dr Brené Brown, a vulnerability hangover is the gut-wrenching feeling of shame and fear that pops right after we undertake an emotional risk.” Although many people still misguidedly see vulnerability as a weakness, in fact, it can be an act of courage and innate strength. After all, emotional vulnerability involves taking a risk wherein you can’t possibly predict or control the outcome, such as sharing your feelings, signing up for a new adventure, presenting an idea or showcasing your creative abilities. According to Dr Brown, vulnerability is what you may feel “any time you put yourself out there when there’s a chance it can all go to hell”. How to deal with a vulnerability hangover Indeed, vulnerability hangovers may cause regret and embarrassment, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t create situations which make you feel vulnerable. In fact, licensed clinical psychologist Dianne Grande stresses that emotional vulnerability is fundamental for building connections. Instead of trying to numb it as is our first instinct, recognizing vulnerability as an act of bravery and embracing it can change our lives for the better. Overcoming vulnerability can help you lead a life without regret, and here are a few effective ways to deal with those emotional hangovers that may arise: 1.Identify your feelings and emotions While it may seem counterintuitive, being aware of the emotions which make you feel vulnerable and understanding the underlying reasons, is the steadiest way to tide over a vulnerability hangover. However, it needs you to be painfully self-aware even while you’re letting go, which could be unsettling at first. Start by patiently labelling the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions which provoke reactions that seem to trigger a vulnerability hangover for you. Dont' feel shame: vulnerability is a positive trait 2. Adjust your perspective and reconsider the scenario Another effective method to stop worrying and free your mind of fear of judgment and embarrassment is to mentally zoom out or step back and consider the scenario afresh. Is someone really judging you for the views you expressed, or are you simply imagining they might judge you for the same? Use acceptance to prepare yourself for all the possibilities. Indeed, your views may be rejected, or you may get fired for asking for that much-needed promotion at work, but there is an equal chance that you will achieve the objectives you set out to accomplish in the first place if you approach these in a level-headed manner. 3. Define your ‘why’ and set mental reminders One of the reasons for me to keep writing and narrating my stories was to reach out those who feel vulnerable – just like I do – while discussing their personal struggles, be it trying to get fitter, build strength, eat healthier and find happiness through gratitude. Being vulnerable can seem akin to stirring up a hornet’s nest, thus creating discomfort, and even inducing anxiety for some individuals, which is why it’s important for you to know why you took the risk in the first place. • JOIN US! Sign-up to happiness.com and connect with our caring community • It helps to write down your aspirations and then break them down into SMART goals, so that you can remind yourself of why you need to put yourself out there, thus transcending mental barriers of shame and guilt. I keep reminding myself about my ultimate goal to lead a happy, meaningful life with authenticity, which makes the risk of being vulnerable endurable for me. 4. Find your safe space Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to just unburden our mental load to be able to feel heard and supported, and to pave the way forward. However, some discretion is advised. In the words of Dr Brown, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: Who has earned the right to hear my story?” “While it may seem counterintuitive, being aware of the emotions which make you feel vulnerable and understanding the underlying reasons, is the steadiest way to tide over a vulnerability hangover.” As discussed before, self-disclosure is a nuanced process that should be done with a specific objective in mind. Indeed, finding your ‘tribe’ or making new friends by sharing your most authentic self with those around you is a positive outcome that makes the endeavor through shame and guilt worth it. Oversharing can sometimes leave us feeling vulnerable shutterstock/khosro 5. Change your self-talk Indeed, with social media intervening in our personal lives all the time, it’s easy to feel judged or rejected for even the tiniest snippets you share from your personal life. Learning to embrace imperfections in yourself as well as others will help you avoid the perfection trap, and allow you to stop ruminating and take action, even if it makes you feel vulnerable. In addition, practising self-compassion makes it easier for one to overcome vulnerability hangover, as it helps us see empathy as the antidote to shame. 6. Keep it up till you feel more comfortable sharing “I wouldn’t found a Museum of Daring Greatly. I would found a Museum of Epic Failure,” replied Dr Brown when asked about building a monumental structure where she could display the greatest risks she ever took, and what she'd put on display there. Developing shame resilience can prove useful for overcoming vulnerability hangover as well, as this focuses on the feelings which create the opposite effect of shame, like joy, connection, empathy, confidence, etc. Once you embrace the fact that growth comes from a place of discomfort and failures, rather than a place of ease, you can start embracing vulnerability as an essential part of growth. Roundup: vulnerability hangovers Vulnerability is the “birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity”, says Dr Brown, and it also acts as the strengthening force in loving relationships. Sadly, there is no fast-acting pill or quick mantra to overcome vulnerability hangover – we just must acknowledge that vulnerability is a ‘necessity’, even though utterly uncomfortable at most times. Being vulnerable can help us to forge more real connections and result in a greater sense of self-acceptance. • Main image: shutterstock/Golubovy happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Nature | Astrology | Spirituality Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram. -
Meditation is so much more than a trendy ancient practice. In fact, it has many scientifically-proven health benefits. From stress relief to lowering anxiety, Calvin Holbrook looks at nine key advantages of developing a meditation practice. As the practice of meditation continues to grow in popularity in the West, so do the scientifically-proven benefits of doing it. In a world which can increasingly feel chaotic, more and more of us are turning to meditation as an antidote to a multitasking, distracted lifestyle. As a result, many of us are increasing both our mental and physical well-being through meditating. Meditation has its origins in prehistory. In fact, the earliest written records, the Vedas of ancient India, date from 1500 BC. As an umbrella term that covers a number of practices, there are many different styles of meditation. One of them is mindfulness meditation, where you focuses on the present moment and thoughts, emotions and sensations that arise. Another important type is loving-kindness meditation. This style derives from the Buddhist Vipassana tradition and focuses on universal love and compassion for others. Many people practice those forms today. Science now backs the health benefits of meditation – both mental and physical – that humans have instinctively understood for millennia. Mental health benefits of meditation These scientifically-proven benefits mean that meditation is regularly recommended as an alternative therapy for a diverse range of conditions, including: Stress Anxiety Depression Sleep difficulties Increasing happiness Promoting positive thinking Improving relationships Boosting cognitive abilities Science has also shown that regular meditation practice can improve the function and even change the structures of the brain. Hence its place in increasing the well-being and happiness of both individuals and wider society is assured. The physical benefits of meditation Scientists began to attempt to study the effects of meditation on the mind and the body during the 1950s. However, there are flaws in these early scientific approaches. More recent studies have used increasingly modern techniques such as EEG and fMRI to scan the brain before, during and after meditation, which allow the links between meditation and physiological and psychological bodily changes to be studied in depth. “The scientifically-proven benefits mean that meditation is highly recommended as an alternative therapy for a diverse range of conditions.” In 2013, a paper published by researchers at John Hopkins University identified 47 well-designed studies into meditation that had produced reliable results. Because of that, they concluded that meditation can be as effective as medication for some forms of depression and anxiety. Indeed, a growing body of science supports the benefits of meditation, so let's take a deeper look at nine of the key mental and physical health advantages of developing a regular meditation practice. 1. Stress relief Doctors are beginning to realise that stress is the root cause of many physical illnesses such as cardiovascular disease. One of the main benefits of meditating is to reduce stress and allow both the body and brain to relax deeply and effectively. Research on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) patients shows that meditation works by: balancing the nervous system improving brain coherence restoring hormonal levels to a state of equilibrium There is plenty of other science-backed research that suggests that reduces stress is one key benefit of meditation. A two-month study focusing on mindfulness meditation found that it reduced the inflammation response caused by stress. Studies have provided scientifically-proven evidence that meditation helps people to cope better with stressful situations. A further study from 2014 of 1,300 adults showed that meditate may decrease stress, and, significantly, the benefits were most profound in those who had the highest stress levels to begin with. Stop stress: mindful meditation can beat this silent killer 2. Reduced anxiety It follows that lower stress levels through meditation will also lead to reduced anxiety. A 2012 study of almost 2,500 participants showed that a variety of different meditation strategies can help to reduce anxiety levels. Another eight-week study into mindfulness meditation also showed that participants reduced their anxiety levels. Moreover, the benefits of meditation extended to reducing symptoms of anxiety disorders, such as phobias, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, paranoid thoughts and panic attacks. RELATED: Panic attacks –12 tips on what to do when anxiety hits hard 3. Lowering heart disease risk High blood pressure is a recognised risk factor for coronary heart disease. A long-term study published in an AHA journal showed that the risk of patients suffering from cardiovascular conditions such as atherosclerosis, myocardial ischaemia and atherosclerosis, or dying or suffering a heart attack stroke was reduced by almost half – 48 per cent – when compared to a control group in a similar physical condition who did not meditate. The 2012 study from the Medical College of Wisconsin in Milwaukee concluded that twice-a-day Transcendental Meditation helped African Americans with heart disease reduce their risk of death, heart attack and stroke. Meditation also helped patients lower their blood pressure, stress and anger compared with patients who did not meditate and only attended health education classes. 4. Improving cognitive abilities Recent research with a group of participants aged between 55 and 75 demonstrated that mindfulness meditation techniques improve goal-directed visuospatial attention span. Furthermore, a 2014 review of various studies found that multiple meditation styles increased attention, memory and mental quickness in older volunteers. These studies suggest that meditation could have the power to offset age-related cognitive decline or potentially enhance cognitive function in older adults. 5. Reducing pain Science shows through research that those who meditate show a greater ability to cope with pain and can even experience a reduced sensation of pain. Indeed, one large study published in 2014 examined the effects of regular meditation in 3,500 participants. It concluded that one benefit of meditation was decreased complaints of chronic or intermittent pain. “Science has shown that regular meditation can actually boost the brain’s grey matter. It appears that we have the ability to grow our own happiness.” Another study from 2011 published in The Journal of Neuroscience found that participants that meditated showed increased activity in the brain centres that control pain while also reporting less sensitivity to pain. Some participants had received four days of mindfulness meditation training, while others had not. Researchers then used MRI scans to observe brain activity in the participants while they experienced a painful stimulus. 6. Improving sleep While in some ways the science of sleep remains a mystery, we do know that it is essential for our health and well-being. A 2015 study found that participants who meditated fell asleep sooner and stayed asleep longer, compared to those who didn't. The study compared two mindfulness-based meditation programs by randomly assigning participants to one of two groups – one that practiced meditation and one that didn't. Life's a beach: meditation has many health benefits 7. Stopping smoking Another health benefit of meditation is that it can make giving up smoking easier, therefore reducing the risk of smoking-related illnesses and health complaints. The effect of meditating regularly is cumulative, and as stress is reduced, so the impulse to smoke is lessened. One study of people meditating daily showed that 50 per cent had given up smoking two years into the research and another 30 per cent had significantly reduced their tobacco consumption. 8. Boosting happiness Studies at Kyoto University discovered that the precuneus area of the brain was larger in people who rated themselves as happy and upbeat than in those with a more negative outlook on life. Science has shown that regular meditation can actually boost the brain’s grey matter. It appears that we have the ability to grow our own happiness. Dr Wataru Sato furthermore says that now we understand that meditation increases grey matter in the precuneus, it will be possible to design scientifically-based programmes to grow a happier brain. 9. Improving the well-being and happiness of employees Contemplative practices such as mindfulness meditation and mindful or gratitude yoga can be helpful to business in boosting the happiness and health of their employees: a happy, healthy workforce is a key to the success of a company. After offering a mindfulness course to 600 of their employees, Transport for London found that 80 per cent had seen an improvement in their relationships and felt more relaxed, more than half felt happier at work, and 64 per cent experienced better sleep patterns. Another pay-off for the employer was that absentee rates due to sickness and stress dropped by a huge 71 per cent. Other benefits of meditation: a happier and healthier society By encouraging us to focus on the present, meditation calms us, empowering us to lead a happier life and to cope with any difficulties life presents. Science shows that meditation is not only an effective therapy for many common diseases but also helps individuals improve their levels of happiness, grow compassion for others and boost their own physical and mental health, leading to the development of a compassionate, thriving and resilient society. ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Stress management | Burnout Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness.com magazine, as well being an artist and travel lover. He also loves hiking, nature, swimming, yoga, sweaty dancing, and all things vintage! -
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Wnewborn replied to Unicorns13 's topic in Introduction Circle - A warm welcome to happiness!
I think you working on your mental health is wonderful -
None of us is perfect. Yet, perfectionism isn’t a rare trait and often overlaps with anxiety, research suggests. Sonia Vadlamani recommends effective ways to cope with perfectionism and anxiety, so we can lead productive, happier lives. Most of us have a friend or colleague who claims to be obsessed with achieving perfection – someone who just can’t help doing it the ‘right’ way, be it at their workplace, in the kitchen, or at a hobby they pursue. Perhaps as you read this, you will realize that this describes you quite accurately as well. While most people intend to do well at the tasks and goals they want to accomplish, some individuals set exceedingly high standards for everything they set out to achieve, firmly believing that to strive for perfection in this manner is ideal. At the outset, perfectionism – or the innate desire to be ‘flawless’ at everything one does – seems like a positive personality trait. After all, it’s natural to want to be our best version every day, and we often equate perfectionism to being a high achiever. However, constantly maneuvering over each detail and wanting to nitpick every aspect while hoping for a ‘nothing-less-than-perfect’ outcome can be exhausting and stressful, thus impacting one’s mental health in the longer run. As a food photographer and writer, I feel a compulsion to track down the tiniest mistake and correct the same in all my pictures and posts. It can be said that perfectionism is a useful and even desirable trait in the field of photography and writing. However, I came to understand the traps of perfectionism as a personal trait all too well when a friend pointed out how it spoils one’s overall experience or ability to enjoy the present moment – something we talk a lot about here at happiness.com! We were exploring a stretch of the most picturesque trails along Cinque Terre, which comprises of five fishing villages strung along the Ligurian coast in Italy. The stunning green-blue sea, colorful quaint houses built into the cliffs, the delicious Ligurian fare can be a delight for the visitors. But here I was, fumbling with my camera all along, stressing to avoid the ‘aesthetically imperfect’ details like chipped paint, potholes on the streets, etc, anxious to get as many perfect pictures as I could. Do your perfectionist ways make you anxious? Hours later as the sun began to set, my friend walked over to where I stood with my tripod to ask in a gentle tone that belied his irritation, “Would you mind just soaking in the sight and live this gorgeous sunset, instead of worrying about capturing it perfectly on your camera?” The question proved to be a reality check: what else was I missing out on in my mad quest for perfection? Years later and after a lot of introspection, I now consciously try to never let perfectionism and the anxiety that accompanies it to take control over me. What exactly is perfectionism? American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as the "the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation." Depending upon how one lets the ideals of perfection affect them, perfectionism can be a positive or ‘adaptive’ or negative or ‘maladaptive’ personality trait. Here are a few ways to recognize some aspects of perfectionism that pertain to you: always feeling highly competitive a rigid outlook or way of thinking feeling insecure, shame or guilt over your less-than-ideal performance sensitivity or resistance to constructive feedback feeling the urge to constantly criticize others experiencing uncontrollable anger when things don’t go the planned way According to a literary review by researchers Silvia Bigatti et al, perfectionism can foster unrealistic standards and expectations from ourselves and others. These idealistic – and frankly impractical – expectations can further intensify negative emotions and feelings like stress, anxiety, increasing dissatisfaction with the self and imposter disorder. The constant rumination about what things ‘could be’ or ‘should be’ can increase stress levels and affect productivity, thus impacting one’s psychological well-being as well. What exactly is anxiety? Anxiety is a state of negative expectation, signs of which can be characterized as apprehension and increasing state of distress or worry, or unfavorable physical sensations such as elevated heart rate and jitteriness. While anxiety can occasionally result in a positive outcome, persistent or prolonged anxiety can hamper one’s day-to-day function, often resulting in high stress levels and depression. How are perfectionism and anxiety linked? Research reveals a substantial correlation between perfectionism and anxiety. The National Institute of Mental Health reveals that about 1 in 5 American adults experience the overlap of perfectionism and anxiety in a given year, wherein the fear of making mistakes, underachievement and failure compels individuals to devise unattainable high standards to value their success in terms of attainment of the goals set for themselves. “Grounding yourself in your body is an effective way to overcome the obsessive thoughts related to perfectionism and anxiety.” Indeed, perfectionists find it difficult to hand over control of an outcome or scenario until everything is flawless or perceivably perfect in their eyes. As psychologist Thomas S Greenspon describes, “perfectionistic people typically believe that they can never be good enough, that mistakes are signs of personal flaws, and that the only route to acceptability as a person is to be perfect”. Ironically, this obsession with excellence can get overwhelming and all-consuming, wherein the resulting anxiety and fear of judgement can convince you to do nothing at all if you can’t do it with utter perfection. This condition is known as ‘analysis paralysis’, in which the fear of a less-than-perfect decision or action leads to prolonged avoidance of action, or procrastination. However, it’s important to know that you can cope with, or even break free from the perfectionism trap, regardless of whichever aspects of perfectionism you associate most with. Dealing with anxious perfectionism Coping with perfectionism and anxiety doesn’t always mean that you must lose sight of your goals or give up on your dreams. It just means that you need to change your perspective and realign your approach, so that you can still chase your goals and strive to succeed, albeit not at the cost of your mental health or well-being. Here are some tips to help you cope with your perfectionism and the anxiety that often accompanies it. 1. Identify your personal tendencies The first step towards tackling perfectionism and anxiety is to recognize the signs that your high standards are impacting your normal daily functioning, thus perhaps affecting your well-being adversely. Take periodic reality checks to consider if your tendency to be perfect is affecting your interpersonal relationships, work life or social calendar. Recognizing how your standards impact these aspects of your life will help you regulate the burden you impose on yourself, eventually enabling you to be productive while leading a happier, more content life. 2. Set small, realistic goals “Tackling perfectionism requires disrupting all-or-nothing thinking,” says Dr Karen McDowell, a psychology specialist. Breaking your goals into smaller, achievable objectives will help you approach the tasks at hand in a realistic manner, thus preventing overwhelming and unrealistic standards getting in the way of your dreams. “Self-compassion can prove to be an effective remedy for perfectionism and anxiety. Being kind to ourselves entails acknowledging our limitations and shortcomings.” Use SMART goals to keep yourself motivated and focused on the process, while keeping perfectionism and anxiety at bay. Take time to periodically look at the big picture to prevent getting bogged down by the smaller, relatively inconsequential details as perfectionists often tend to do, and reflect on how far you’ve come. 3. Accept that it’s OK to be imperfect While most of us consider mistakes and imperfections as weaknesses, Brené Brown, the author of Gifts of Imperfection reveals that “imperfection really is a gift”, as it’s what renders us authenticity and makes us unique and interesting. Accepting this for a fact can help us relax our pace from relentless obsession over our efforts and results, thus keeping anxious perfectionism at bay. Brown further suggests that embracing your imperfections by incorporating the 3C’s – courage, compassion and connection can be the key to a happier self and wholehearted living. 4. Practise self-compassion Self-compassion can prove to be an effective remedy for perfectionism and anxiety that stems from it. Being kind to ourselves entails acknowledging our limitations and shortcomings and accepting that it’s perfectly acceptable to fail at a task at hand. Practicing self-compassion helps keep self-criticism and the fear of failure under check, allowing us to be present and act consciously, instead of being preoccupied with perfection. 5. Practise mindfulness Mindfulness exercises can prove to be a great way to manage perfectionism and anxiety. Being aware of self-sabotaging thoughts and patterns that occur to you repeatedly will help you devise coping skills which are more effective for you. Indeed, bringing awareness and focus to your thoughts in this manner can be a gradual process. However, with consistent practice you will develop the skill of self-validation and self-acceptance, which will enable you to gradually overcome your obsession with perfection. 6. Create a grounding ritual Grounding yourself in your body is an effective way to overcome the obsessive thoughts related to perfectionism and anxiety, suggests Emilea Richardson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Engaging in conscious breathing can help divert your attention away from overwhelming thoughts regarding your efforts and results. Similarly, establishing a regular meditation practice, daily journaling to jot down thoughts, patterns, and resolutions can direct your awareness towards progress you’ve made so far. 7. Know when you need outside help Sometimes it may be difficult to cope with, or even come to terms with one’s impossibly high standards of perfection. Understand that it’s perfectly acceptable – and recommended, even – to seek professional help when perfectionism and anxiety begin to interfere with your daily tasks and performance. A professional can help you identify your self-limiting thoughts and behaviors, in addition to devising the right coping methods that can help you overcome your fear of judgement and failure. Takeaway: Perfectionism and anxiety Perfectionism can undoubtedly raise your performance levels and take you closer to achieving your goals. However, when fueled by a crippling fear of failure and conditional self-worth, a perfectionist is likely to experience detrimental mental health conditions like anxiety, imposter syndrome and depression. Harnessing the positives of perfectionism, while preventing or overcoming anxious perfectionism isn’t an impossible feat, but requires prompt identification and acceptance, followed by constant and persistent efforts towards the same. • Main image: shutterstock/Andrey_Popov happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Communication skills | Friendship | Compassion Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram. -
Since the pandemic struck, angling has been reeling in more fans than ever. Dee Marques takes a look at how the mental and physical health benefits of fishing are catching on fast. The past year and a half has brought multiple changes to our lives. For many of us, this period has been a time for reflection, and some have decided to focus on self-care and pay better attention to their health and well-being. Indeed, during the past 18 months, you may have tried different strategies to stay in optimal physical and mental health. Fortunately, there’s always something new to try. And one leisure activity that's gained a whole host of new fans during the COVID crisis is fishing. In fact, according to the Guardian, the number of annual rod licence applications in England and Wales surged by more than 120,000 in 2020 – that's up a huge 15 per cent on the previous year, with a large increase in the number of women and families heading to the waterside. You may have never thought about trying it, but what about giving fishing a go? As August is National Fishing Month, let's discuss this popular leisure activity and discuss the health benefits of fishing – you may be surprised by some of them! Discovering the health benefits of fishing The health benefits of fishing are many and are both physical and mental. Indeed, there are plenty of reasons why spending some time by a lake or the sea trying to fish can nourish us. They include: 1. Life skills and identity support A UK study looked at the impact of recreational fishing in teenagers who took part in a week-long fishing camp. The findings suggest that fishing put to the test important skills, like patience and self-discipline. Outdoor therapies are used to increased resilience, since these activities support identity, self esteem and create a feeling of worthiness. For example, fishing gives us the ability to provide our own food. This can lead to a confidence boost because we realise we can satisfy some of our basic needs without depending on others. Among the psychological health benefits of fishing is confidence and the feeling of mastery; the ability to make progress and develop new skills, which is a critical factor in the development of self-esteem. 2. Reconnection with nature Like other outdoor leisure activities, fishing can help us reconnect with nature and carve a pathway to growth, restore balance, and learn about our inner self. According to nature-deficit theory, the changes in work arrangements and lifestyle mean we’re spending a significant amount of time indoors. Similarly, the biophilia hypothesis claims humans have a natural affinity for outdoor environments, and switching the balance around can address physical and emotional imbalances. 3. Positive mood Mood regulation and/or improvement is one of the key health benefits of fishing. People who enjoy fishing regularly often say they do it because it helps them forget worries, relieve tension and relax. Fishing can be a great family bonding experience This activity allows us to put distance between ourselves, the real world, and the stresses of everyday life. This momentary break leaves you feeling energised to go back to the daily routine, and is a mood booster to help you face life with renewed energy. And being an outdoor activity, you may also get to benefit from the mood-lifting effect of sunshine and vitamin D. Its health benefits include better resistance to disease, a reduced risk of developing bone related conditions and heart disease, mood stabilization and improvement of depressive symptoms. 4. Social connectedness After months of isolation, many of us feel the urge to be around others and satisfy the basic human need of connectedness. Indeed, the feeling of belonging is an important psychological prerequisite according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. This is one of the main health benefits of fishing, since the need for social connectedness has been with us for our entire evolutionary history – and has contributed to our survival as a species. “Mood improvement is one of the key health benefits of fishing. People who enjoy fishing do it because it helps them forget worries, relieve tension and relax.” In fact, an active social life is linked to a strong immune system, better cognitive performance and fewer symptoms of depression. A day out fishing can provide an opportunity to spend quality time with friends or family, and can also be a socialisation strategy for introverts or those who don’t like crowds. 5. A space for reflection and healing Although many fishers and anglers enjoy the activity as part of small groups, conversely, fishing can also meet the need for solitude. Sometimes we have a strong need to be alone and process our feelings, and that’s one of the potential health benefits of fishing: it offers the right environment for that kind on inward reflection. Fishing requires focus, and for better or for worse, humans can’t really focus intently on more than one thing at a time. So, while you concentrate on fishing, you allow your brain to put other worries in the back seat. RELATED: The power of silence There can also be a healing element to fishing, as shown by a programme developed in the US to help disabled veterans and those suffering from PTSD. Veterans were taken fishing for the first time, and they reported that the activity helped them manage their emotions and find peace and passion for life. 6. Helps you stay active Sure, you can’t compare a high-intensity gym workout to a morning of fishing. But that doesn’t mean that fishing is a wholly sedentary activity. On the contrary, it can be a great low-intensity total body workout. Think about this: Getting to some fishing spots usually involves walking, carrying your gear, climbing over rough terrain or scrambling over rocks and boulders. Fishing doesn't mean just sitting by the shore doing nothing. You may need to wade into a river, pond or lake, and keep your arms moving by casting and reeling. Climbing over rocks or standing in moving water work the core and leg muscles, as well as testing your balance. So, fishing is perfect if you want to enjoy the physical benefits of staying active but don’t want an exhausting workout. The mental health benefits of fishing are many shutterstock/Andrey Yurlov 7. Stimulates creativity Depending on who you ask, fishing is an art or a science. Whatever the case, it’s never an exact art or an exact science. You’ll have great days and not-so-great fishing days, which will likely prompt you to get creative and think of possible solutions. “You can’t compare a high-intensity gym workout to a morning of fishing, but the activity can be a great low-intensity total body workout.” Maybe you’ll need to change bait, or experiment with different weather conditions or test new spots. Your equipment may break, so you’ll need to improvise and think outside of the box to see if you can fix it on the spot. It’s all a great way of developing creative problem-solving skills. The health benefits of fishing are more than just physical. 8. Improved concentration The great thing about fishing is that you can let your mind wander or you can focus hard on it. If you choose to focus, fishing can help improve concentration skills, which have been so vastly disrupted by the digital world. If you’ve been considering a digital detox, you can start with short detox sessions when you go fishing. 9. Chance to practise mindfulness Fishing can be a great alternative if you struggle with more formal or strict forms of meditation. Although it’s considered a sport, it’s also a hobby and there’s no need to stress about its competitive element. In fact, you don’t even have to fish anything. It can be about being there, enjoying the moment, taking in the fresh air, being in a natural environment and watching the water flow. Indeed, fishing can be an ideal setting to start a mindfulness practice, if you haven’t already done so. And why not consider listening to one of these mindfulness podcasts while you’re out by the water for that added sense of calm? • Main image: shutterstoch/AT Production happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Travelling | Forest bathing | Stress management Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter. -
Soon room.ia of diagnostic completely robotic ???
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Hi Guys, so I’m going on a yr with this guy. I left once after 2 months because I had a mental breakdown and needed to get myself back together.( he put it in my head that I didn’t need my meds anymore and well all on me I tried to go off them. Never doing that again) we got back together after a month and are coming up to a yr. However about a month ago we broke up because he got very angry when I said I was considering going out on a fishing boat with a friend.( yes this friend I met on a dating app but nothing became of it other then we have a friend who we can talk about things with and count on if ever needed help. Now my guy has the same situation with a female friend and they text every day. He wants me to never talk to my friend again but it’s ok for him to talk with his friend. I have met her she is a great person I trust him but I hate that I sleep with him and every morning there she is on text before he even rolls over to say good morning. His answer is she is all I have. If you leave I have nobody else, no friends family to rely on if something were to happen. she will always be there. It makes me pull away every time I see her text come through or comment on his posts on social media. He is great is the first man to ever make me feel comfortable in my own skin and beautiful at the age of 52. Years . I mean I don’t mind her being a friend but don’t visit her without me and no need to text every day that to me is more than friends. Even though he isn’t attracted to her she is in love with him ( she is also in a relationship at the moment but would drop him if she thought she could have my guy). Advise on how to handle this. I love him and would love to move in with him but how can I agree to that with this issue?
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Mental health is most important part in your life. You should take care of it. If you want to improve your mental health you should go for life coaching. Last year when i was in depression and this is the main reason of my mental health someone suggest me for life coaching to feel free from depression and improve mental health as well. Life coach helps you to feel free from depression and improve 1 your mental stability. He should deal with your mental health and improve this.
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I experienced by myself that mental stress can be very dangerous. And if the mental stress is too heavy it affects my whole energylevel and at a mental breakdown I won't get up from bed. People like me (maybe I explained more what "people like me" are in a seperate topic) can't reduce the mental stress with meditation or similar directly. we need an outlet to relieve stress. In my case it's blogging. And our societies should be more serious with mental stress and health.
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Has anyone dealt with mental health issues?
karlabbott replied to Dolphinjumper123 's topic in Mental Health Forum
Mental Health is extremely important to every human being. We do not live in a perfect world, and being able to cope with the stress of everyday life is tough. However, there are plenty of ways to take care of your mind and body. Mental health is something that we're often too uncomfortable to talk about, but it's a topic we need to discuss. Most people who suffer from mental health issues go through periods of depression and anxiety where they feel immobilized by their condition. As a result, they may feel that they are incapable of doing the things they usually love or used to be good at. Mental health problems can also cause people to withdraw from the world around them, which can, in turn, lead to loneliness and feelings of isolation. There are so many therapy centers even now there are online apps like The RoyalVibe Health app that allow you to track your mental health privately and securely, so you can focus on getting the help you need. -
We tend to think of bullying of something that happens only at school, but the reality is that abuse and power control commonly extend into adulthood too. Dee Marques looks at the forms adult bullies take and offers nine ways to deal with them... We all know bullying is a serious problem in certain age groups. We may have been bullied ourselves growing up or may have been the one being unkind to others. Bullying is mostly associated with school-age children or teenagers, but bullying can – and does – happen to adults too. For example, a study carried out in the United States showed that nearly one third of all adult Americans surveyed had been bullied. And the numbers are similar for other Western countries, which suggests that this is an ongoing problem that persists well into adulthood. Adult bullying can have a serious negative impact on physical and mental health. In this article, I’ll explain how to recognise adult bullying and offer some coping strategies so you can protect yourself or help others who may be struggling with this problem. Types of adult bullying Adult bullying can happen in a wide range of environments, from work to family settings and online, too. Bullies use different tactics and they don’t always involve openly berating others. Here’s an overview of a few of the different types of adult bullies that exist: 1. Bullying in the workplace Statistics published by the Trades Union Congress claim that approximately one third of adults in the UK have experienced bullying in their workplace. The report highlights the fact that bullying is actually more prevalent in the 40 to 59 year-old age group, which confirms that age doesn’t make us immune to bullies. Some of the common strategies used by workplace bullies include: Spreading lies or rumours about you or trying to get other coworkers to have a negative opinion of you. Giving you the silent treatment. Using aggressive body language, glaring, or staring. Being verbally abusive or disrespectful. Pushing unreasonable deadlines. Holding you to different or stricter standards than other colleagues. Disregarding or criticising good-quality work. 2. Elder bullying This is not as well-known as other types of adult bullying, but it’s still common and heartbreaking. Elder bullying usually happens in nursing homes, and bullies can be staff or other residents. Examples include: Excluding someone from group activities. Verbal abuse, including insults, threats or derogatory comments. Gossiping or spreading malicious rumours. Mocking someone for their appearance or physical disabilities. Stealing or destroying someone’s belongings. Adult bullying can extend to care homes shutterstock/Pixel-Shot 3. Online adult bullying or cyber-bullying A great deal of our lives is now conducted online, so this opens up a back door to cyber-bullying. Research shows that 40 per cent of adults in the US have been victims of online bullies. “Adult bullying happens in many environments, from work to family and online. Bullies use different tactics and don’t always involve openly berating others.” Social media platforms (especially Instagram and Facebook) are a prime target for this type of behaviour, but it can also happen in chat rooms or generally on the internet. Some examples include: Cyberstalking. Outing, or publishing private information or photos. Blogs or websites that are solely written to criticise or insult someone. Comments that mock someone’s physical appearance. Sending written threats. Dealing with adult bullying The effects of adult bullying can be devastating, irrespective of where it happens. This guide can help you deal with adult bullies and step out of the toxic environment they create. 1. Don’t blame yourself The first thing to understand is that bullies act the way they do because they want to assert their power over you. Bullies get pleasure when seeing others lose their self-confidence, feel weak or disempowered. Don’t give them fodder by blaming yourself. Whatever a bully says or does, it has nothing to do with who you are and what you look like. They’re just saying it because they want to feel superior. 2. Assess the situation Not all bullies are created equal, so it’s wise to assess how serious the situation is and act accordingly. For example, if you don’t have frequent contact with the bully, you may want to stay away and keep your distance, unless they become aggressive or the situation gets worse. If the bullying is affecting your mood or mental health, you have no time to waste. 3. Set boundaries A common reaction to adult bullies is to think that maybe you’re exaggerating things or wanting to believe that the other person doesn’t mean to hurt you. While you’re engaged in this internal debate, the bully will only get encouraged to continue harassing you. Clear boundaries often deter bullies, as they don’t really expect others to stand up to them. If someone is bullying you at work, establish direct eye contact, be firm and say that their behaviour won’t be tolerated. Bullies don’t expect you to show strength, so in some cases being assertive about your boundaries can make it stop. Keep a cool head but don't ignore adult bullying 4. Gather proof Whether bullying happens online or in person, you’ll want to document what’s happening in case being assertive doesn’t make the bully back off. This can also come in handy if you have to report the bullying. Keep track of time, dates, and emails, and write a detailed description of each incident. 5. Keep a cool head Bullies are very good at pushing your buttons until you break down or go off in a burst of anger. However, they don’t expect their victims to be firm and keep calm, so learning tactics to keep a cool head can make them realise you’re not an easy target. 6. Don’t ignore it By this I mean ignore the content of the abuse, but don’t ignore the situation. If you’re a victim of adult bullying and ignore the situation thinking that the bully will get tired of it soon, you may just be encouraging them to harass you. “Adult bullying can happen in a wide range of environments, from work to family settings and online, too. Bullies use different tactics and they don’t always involve openly berating others.” If you’re affected by adult bullying in the workplace, talk to someone in your human resources department to explain the situation and find out what the company’s policy is. If it happens online, websites have tools to report bullying and to update your profile privacy settings. 7. Don’t go through it alone Isolation is one of the tactics used by many bullies. This is why they try to turn others against you, so that you’ll feel alone and without any resources to stand your ground. On the other hand, if a bully sees that you have a good support network, they’re less likely to see you as a target. 8. Counter the effects Bullies make hurtful comments with the expectation that you’ll internalise their painful nature. The effects of adult bullying can last well after you no longer have contact with the bully, so self-care is essential to counter the effects of bullying. RELATED: Be good to yourself – 8 self-love techniques 9. Share your experience Have you been bottling up negative emotions while the bullying was taking place or being resolved? It’s time to release those emotions so they’re no longer a mental or emotional burden. You can join a group, share what you went through with people you trust, and be confident that putting your experience out there can be encouraging to others who are going through the same thing. Takeaway: you can overcome adult bullying Adult bullying can leave a painful footprint on your emotional well-being, but you don’t have to live with its effects or carry the burden alone. Handling bullying requires firmness and determination, as well as self-care and the support of loving people. Once you overcome adult bullying, you’ll have a valuable experience to share with others who are struggling with it, and your story may even be the inspiration they need to take action and end the bullying. • Main image: shutterstock/lightwavemedia happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Friendship | Kindness Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter. -
Mental health services are becoming increasingly important in today's society. Life coaching is a form of mental health service that helps people to identify and achieve their goals, while also providing support and guidance through difficult times. It can be used to help individuals understand themselves better, build self-confidence, improve relationships with others, as well as manage stress levels more effectively. Life coaches offer an objective perspective on life challenges which can help individuals make positive changes in their lives.
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Depression
josephmack replied to Ahmed786 's topic in Introduction Circle - A warm welcome to happiness!
hey! I'm Joseph Mack, Depression is a serious mental health condition that can have a significant impact on an individual's life. It is important to seek help from qualified professionals if you are feeling depressed or overwhelmed. Mental Health services such as counseling, psychotherapy and medication management can be beneficial in helping individuals manage their depression symptoms. Additionally, lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, healthy eating habits and social support networks may also help reduce the severity of depression symptoms. -
Master manipulators often use techniques which – over time – make it hard to spot when you are being used. If you believe you may be being manipulated by a friend, partner or family members, Dee Marques shows you 12 signs to look out for plus offers tips on how to deal with being used. We all have certain expectations when it comes to our interactions with friends and romantic partners. This can include expectations about the needs we want met and in which way. But there’s a difference between expecting relationships to fulfil some needs, and using relationships to that end. Unfortunately, not everyone understands the difference between both concepts, which is why it’s so devastating to find yourself in a relationship where you’re being used for certain purposes or needs. In this article I’ll discuss several ways you can recognize when you are being used in any kind of friendship or relationship. I’ll also offer some ideas on how to deal with a relationship where you’re clearly being used. The impact of being used We tend to assume that we know people close to us, such as family members, partners and friends. So, realising that you’re being used by one of these people can come as a huge shock, because the idea is so far removed from what we had imagined our relationship to be. And understandably so, because you have probably invested a lot in a relationship in good faith. RELATED: 7 signs your friend doesn't care about you The impact that being used can have on an individual should not to be underestimated. This type of psychological manipulation can have a negative impact on mental health that can eventually cause anxiety. Being used impacts on mental health and happiness It can also create a tendency to become hyper-vigilant to avoid being used again and experiencing the same pain. Indeed, because being used puts us in a vulnerable situation, this can trigger mental or emotional health issues we may have had in the past, anything from eating disorders to depression. • JOIN US! Sign up free today and find true connection at happiness.com • This situation can also affect our confidence in our ability to accurately judge others. You may come to think that you’ve been taken advantage of because 'you didn’t see it coming and you should have seen it', and then conclude that you can’t trust your own judgement when getting into other relationships. In some cases, this can lead to emotional isolation and to mistrusting others by default. 12 signs you’re being used So, how exactly do you know if you’re being used? The signs can be more or less subtle, so it’s important to be familiar with them. 1. You’re not equal players An unequal relationship is one of the most common signs that you’re being used. A caring relationship is a space where both parties pull their weight emotionally, financially and physically. You may suspect that you’re being used if the other person always seems to take but they don’t give back, or if they do give back but it feels as if they were doing you a favour. You can tell their attitude is not genuine and it’s not a one-off. 2. One-way boundaries Similar to the above, or another version of it, is when you feel that boundaries only seem to work one way in the relationship. For example, the other person doesn’t really disclose much about previous romantic partners, but expects to know everything about yours. “The impact that being used can have on an individual should not to be underestimated. This type of psychological manipulation can have a negative impact on mental health that can eventually cause anxiety.” Or it could be a friend who always finds a way to be unavailable when you need them, but then expects you to be “on call” for them all the time. This can be a clear sign that you’re being used, because genuine friendships and relationships are based on mutual understanding and respect. 3. They 'show you off', but something feels wrong Real friends or partners will appreciate you enough to sing your praises in front of others and it will come out as something genuine. However, people who see relationships as a way to use others may only show you off when it suits them, and it may be obvious enough to make you feel something is wrong. For example, it could be a partner who only takes you out on business dinners because they know you’ll make an impression on the people they’re trying to impress. But any activities strictly between you and them are few and far in between or they do so after much insisting on your part. 4. They don’t listen We can all be distracted from time to time or too absorbed in our own problems, but in true and equal relationship we always try our best to make time for the other person. RELATED: Mindful listening – 6 ways to improve conversational skills With manipulators, you may feel they’re never really 'present' when you’re together. Or they could seem present, but later on you realise they have tuned you out the entire time. For example, they forget important dates such as an exam, your birthday, or never follow-up on conversations where you've told them something important or that's bothering you. 5. You feel bad saying “no” Some people are expert emotional manipulators to the point that they’ll make you feel uncomfortable saying “no” to them. For example, when they ask you for money it feels like you’re obligated and you can’t quite explain why. Or, you may feel pressured to do things their way, even though you don’t really want to. There’s always some give and take in relationships, but you should be able to say “yes” or “no” freely and without fearing potential consequences, whether that's the silent treatment or other forms of emotional blackmail. Users are master manipulators that play people shutterstock/SvetaZi 6. They keep tabs on favours Manipulators are known for not offering to do you any favours unless they want something in return. In those situations, there’s a ring of “you owe me” to the whole interaction. In many cases, you will even be reminded of what they did for you and how much of a big deal it is. • SIGN UP! Join our caring community and make new friends • You may also feel as if they write down every single thing they do for you in a little notebook so they can refer back to it. That’s not altruism – it’s called being used. 7. They take things for granted Manipulators may take you and your relationship for granted if they never say thank you or show any gratitude. Instead, it’s as if that aspect of the relationship was exclusively your responsibility. 8. They never apologise Their behaviour causes you pain and yet they never seem to apologise. Somehow, if you feel hurt it’s your fault for doing this or for not doing that. RELATED: The 6 steps to an effective apology 9. Money issues Be wary of being used to meet the manipulator’s emotional or financial needs. There’s nothing wrong or unusual in lending or borrowing money from friends or relatives, but you should see a red flag if they’re always asking for money or expecting you to pay for all the bills, outings, etc. “The impact that being used can have on an individual should not to be underestimated. This type of psychological manipulation can have a negative impact on mental health that can eventually cause anxiety.” Another version of being used financially is if you’re in a romantic relationship or live together and the manipulator pushes you to accept higher-paying jobs to cover costs – even if they’re not what you want to do or are detrimental to your health. 10. They don’t keep their promises... …or their appointments. Users can pull a no-show after agreeing to do something, or find excuses to get out of activities and plans. Even worse, you don’t feel comfortable confronting them about their wrongdoings. 11. Something doesn’t feel right Nowadays, we’re all a bit disconnected from powerful and useful primal instincts, such as our gut feeling. So when something doesn’t feel right, we don’t know how to interpret it or we may even mislabel it as a positive emotion. For example, a manipulator can make you jittery or nervous and you could confuse the feeling with being “in love”. 12. The language they use This seems a trivial point, but language can tell you a lot about how a person really feels about you. There’s a big difference between saying “I took you out” and “we went out”. The first implies you don’t really count and you’re being used, whereas the second suggests you’re both in the relationship as equal partners. 3 tips on how to avoid being used Strengthen your self-esteem This is the first and most important step because otherwise you won’t be able to apply any of the remaining suggestions. Learn how to develop self-love and be good to yourself at all times. Set healthy boundaries Build up the courage to say what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship, and explain why. Something along the lines of “when you do XXX it makes me feel,” and, “I can’t accept that because...” Get your intuition back and learn to trust it again This will help stay open to other relationships instead of isolating yourself for fear of being used again. Discover how to better tap into your intuition. Learn to be your own best friend, without giving up on the idea of finding your tribe. Seek help If you can’t overcome the pain of being used, seek help from a trusted counsellor or therapist. Takeaway: being used hurts, but you can get over it Realising you’re being used can be painful, especially if you were deeply invested in the relationship. But after experiencing it – and if you keep in mind the points raised above – you’ll be more equipped to detect future attempts of manipulation. Even better, you could even use that experience to help others overcome the pain of going through the same experience of being used. • Main image: shutterstock/fizkes happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Trust | Loneliness | Empathy Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.
