A little lost, very broken, in search of happiness

[KCM]

Good morning all, 

I joined a while ago when I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, I still am a long way of being better and during the last year my whole life has fallen to pieces, my relationship broke down of 11.5 years, leaving me with 2 children and facing going through my mental assessment alone. The reason there relationship ended it completely my fault and I'm not sure if I will ever get over what I did or what has happened since. Its part of why I didn't post before because I didn't want to lower the tone here. But I just thought hey who knows maybe there might be someone out there who understands in the big wide world of millions of people ?

K

Edited March 12, 2020 by KCM

[Kymera]

So sorry you're going through this. I've never been in your situation, but I have had to forgive myself several times. It's much harder than having to forgive others.

[BonBon]

I am sorry for what has happened in your life. Taking responsibility for what happened is very powerful. Now, you must move on. Accept your choices and realize what the lessons are. Your children need their mother. I don't know how old your children are, however you are setting them up with a "program" when they see and observe your reactions to what happened. Stay strong, count your blessings and keep making moves forward, no going back, no going over and over in your mind what happened, let it go. Stay in a attitude of gratitude for what you do have. You can't let your mistakes keep you from the wonderful life you are destined to have. Peace & Love.

[KCM]

Thank you both for your responses. I have sadly allowed my ex to break me down over the last 3 weeks and my kids have seen me heartbroken which I will always regret, but I am at the point of acceptance to some extent, as I won't lie and say that future developments and changes are going to hurt so much as I know what is to come eventually. But I have a new resolve this week and my kids well being is my only priority now, so if I need to cry I wait till I have alone time. My eldest is 8 and youngest is 22 months both girls 

K

[postmortem]

In this world I find everything has its cycle and, I think if you just hang in there a while things will Chang, Do not be too hard on yourself remember all relationships are two ways things so it can't all be on you for starters. Take time for yourself and just listen to your inner voice.
Take good care

[KCM]

I am trying my best, I always was a believer in that sense postmortem, it's just very hard for me facing such a big change alone (I suffer adjustment behavior disorder, makes life more frightening than exciting even if the change is positive) even if he refuses to accept the part he played in the deterioration of our relationship, I have to, what I've done is no simple feet, it's horrifying ? I felt like I woke up from a nightmare and was myself again for a short time only to realise it all really happened and it was me. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing last year, I was suffering severely with pnd or potentially the psychosis version, as I've had pnd but not like this, i did some terrible things and part of what eats away at me is the things I did I would never do, I'm not that person! Sorry tmi ? also a huge problem I'd been suffering... Oversharing! 

[Grac33]

21 hours ago, KCM said:

Good morning all, 

I joined a while ago when I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, I still am a long way of being better and during the last year my whole life has fallen to pieces, my relationship broke down of 11.5 years, leaving me with 2 children and facing going through my mental assessment alone. The reason there relationship ended it completely my fault and I'm not sure if I will ever get over what I did or what has happened since. Its part of why I didn't post before because I didn't want to lower the tone here. But I just thought hey who knows maybe there might be someone out there who understands in the big wide world of millions of people ?

K

Hey K,

thanks for being open/honest re your circumstances. I hope that your journey is becoming more bearable .

 

[Lizzie]

Welcome to happiness K, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share your story. It's definitely ok to talk about hardship, and as has already been shown, you might find support and advice from other members. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and can only help you will find our community helpful in any way. Sending you lots of strength and positive energy ✨

[KCM]

Thank you all for your kind supportive comments. Today is pretty much the first day I am unable to talk to my ex partner ? so feeling a little more sad right now, he said in the beginning he would be there and can't not have me in his life, I felt the same and supported him best I could, now I need him to be there for me I'm asking too much. I never, in the beginning of our break up, thought he would even speak to me after everything that happened, but he pulled me in saying he won't let me fall again, now we are to become strangers and it's so heartbreaking for me, more since he gave false hopes when he knew as well I that he would never forgive me or work through our issues, I feel like such an idiot for falling into the trap. He's the only one who really knows or knew me. Just finding things a bit heart wrenching today. It's his birthday and I put a lot of thought into his gifts, we were meant to be spending it together as a family, but not now. So what I have bought will have notes saying love the kids. Feeling a bit sorrowful about everything this morning but I'm not showing it and that is a really good thing that I'm keeping it together for my girls 

K

[flybutterfly]

Hi K,

I understand a lot of what you have been going through, and I hope to share some of my new light with you and let you really know that you are far from alone in any emotional struggles. 
I also had my life shattered apart some years ago, I was beyond lost, I was completely broken, I lost all grasp of happiness and my love for life—I went through the darkness of Major Depression— and at that time I didn’t have the mental strength and tools that I eventually taught myself - and I got to put myself back together the way I wanted to, I became whole and found my voice and self-love. My husband can be very bad for my mental health at times, but I use my new voice and strength and like you so beautifully did, I reach out to others who have understanding and compassion to share.  Eventhough you cannot see it now, you are on a journey to the happiness that starts from within.

There are many mindful quotes that I draw strength and new perspectives from and here is just one of them: 

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”

 Sending you hugs,

   Dawn

[Linz]

Hello K, is there anyone supportive in your life? Are you sleeping? Eating? Dressing? Have you had any thoughts or guidance towards ways of healing?

[KCM]

Thank you for sharing your experience flybutterfly, I began crying when I read your reply ❣️ I'm so lost right now, but I feel since I've begun talking about what I'm going through that I'm getting stronger a little with each day that passes, your experience gives me hope that I may come out the other other side one day!

[KCM]

Hi Linz, I haven't got a great deal of support around me sadly, many have turned their ba KS or have twisted the knife deeper, which has left me feeling I have nobody I can trust to handle being there for me right now. I've only just begun sleeping again because I've been prescribed diazepam for a short while which is helping with the panic attacks as well as simmering my mind down so I get some rest. Honestly I'm not eating very much, I was size 14-16 August last year I am now size 6-8 ?‍♀️ getting dressed can be a bit hit and miss, I do sometimes go to bed so tired I don't change out of my clothes, recently I did wear the same leggings for 4 days straight and was sleeping in them too, that was a low point for me. Iy do however have a couple of friends out of the area that are helping me gain back my control and I am so grateful for them, I'm not sure where I would be if I didn't have them talking me down and picking me up metaphorically speaking. At the moment I am trying to distance myself from my ex as much as I can, as in all honesty xthe thinga he says and do

[KCM]

.... Have been breaking me down for the last 4 months

[ZacharyDK]

Dear why do u say its your fault.......? 

 

[KCM]

Because during my nervous breakdown I did some terrible things that broke my relationship beyond repair, in my darkness I grabbed the wrong hands and was blindly guided down a garden path to my own personal hell, slightly cryptic but I imagine you can all gather what I've done wrong now, I'd never felt so lost and alone since I was a child tying my pull cord, that hung above my bed, around my neck and pulling it tight. As an adult feeling that lost and alone I became desperate ? and I tried to run from myself and my pain as I couldn't take my own life and leave my children with that pain, I was trapped in this cycle and something snapped. It was gut wrenching when I began becoming myself again, like waking up from a nightmare then realising I've woken up into the nightmare. Nothing is ever as it seems. 

Edited March 20, 2020 by KCM