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While thinking about past actions can sometimes help you move forward in life, thinking too much can have the opposite effect and lead to depression and anxiety. Dee Marques shares nine steps to take that will show you how to stop overthinking and enjoy your life in the present. As humans, we have the extraordinary ability to constantly reflect on our actions. There’s much to be learned from our decisions, so it can be useful to go over past situations to find the lesson in them. And when it comes to the future, anticipating what’s to come and making plans can also be useful. Doing this can help us grow and be more successful, but it’s also easy to end up overdoing this type of analysis. In fact, overthinking can have precisely the opposite effect, leading to constant worry and a feeling of being stuck or unproductive. If this is the case then you'll need some ideas on how to stop overthinking everything. Overthinking can become a self-destructive behaviour with negative effects on our mental health. Overthinking can become chronic and is the kind of toxic habit that may end up leading to other problems, such as anxiety and depression. • JOIN US! Need support? Sign-up and belong to a community that cares • Because having control over our thought patterns is critical to our well-being, it's important to learn how to avoid the overthinking trap. In this article you'll find a list of practical suggestions on how to stop overthinking and making your overall thought processes more positive. What is overthinking? If we’re to learn how to stop overthinking, learning to identify that we are doing it is essential. As I've outlined above, overthinking usually has two aspects: one is rumination (going over past events) and the other one entails worrying about the future and dwelling on worst possible scenarios. RELATED: Remember – you are not your thoughts In both cases, we almost always focus on the negative aspects of an experience, and also on those aspects that cannot be changed. Common scenarios for people who tend to overthink include worrying about falling ill, losing their job, or not knowing what they want to do with their life. Going over the past and “should have” scenarios are also typical, for example, “I should have said that”, or “I should have done this”. These are common thoughts when reflecting on a relationship that may have ended, a job you may have quit, or the way you handled a friendship that ended badly. Pause for thought: overthinking can lead to anxiety Overthinking is related to anxiety because the focus is often on things we can’t change (such as what has already happened or unknowns in the future). This thought pattern can easily create feelings of powerlessness, which, in turn, generate high anxiety levels. Indeed, overthinking is characterised by a snowball effect that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, helpless and distressed. And as it happens with other harmful thought patterns, it can take over our life, interfere with everyday functioning, and make us lose control over our thoughts. Other dangers of overthinking include mental health issues, increased chances of developing depression, and impaired problem-solving abilities. This happens because overthinkers are under the false belief that they’re working on a problem, when in fact, overthinking actually keeps them from solving the problem. Later, overthinkers realise they can’t find a solution and this creates even more anxiety. “Because having control over our thought patterns is critical to our well-being, it's important to learn how to stop overthinking.” Overthinking is also linked to sleep issues, as people who struggle to stop thinking fail to switch off and can't sleep because of intrusive thoughts. Furthermore, lack of sleep is also connected to depressive symptoms and poor concentration during the day. And there are physical symptoms too, like headaches, muscle aches, digestive issues and fatigue. Moreover, overthinking has even been linked to binge eating or drinking and self-harm. RELATED: 14 sleep hacks to get a good night's rest Despite the dangers of thinking too much, the number of people affected is substantial enough to take it seriously for us to really learn some techniques on how to stop overthinking. One US study called it a national epidemic, and bestseller books have been written about the subject, suggesting women are more prone to overthink. The female to male ratio of overthinkers is 57-43 per cent, and those aged between 25 and 33 seem more vulnerable too. What causes overthinking? Before we move on to how to stop overthinking, it’s important to understand the mechanism behind this problem. Scientists believe it activates parts of the brain involved in fear or anxious responses. Overthinking begins in the cortex, where memories and future events are processed. As we dwell on things, obsessive thoughts engage the amygdala, the seat of emotional responses. Once the amygdala starts working, it triggers physical responses like a higher heart rate, muscle tension, and feeling paralysed by the negative thought. It’s worth noting that overthinking starts with a good intention, usually problem solving or protecting ourselves, but more often than not, it takes us to a dead end and develops into anxiety. However, it’s possible to fight this habit and learn how to stop overthinking. How to stop overthinking in 9 steps If you struggle with overthinking, these nine tips could help you free your mind and live in the present moment more. 1. Find the trigger Overthinking is a habit, so there’ll be something that sends your brain into overthink mode. It could be at bedtime as you take stock of the day, or it could be asking yourself a “what if?” question, re-reading a journal, looking at family photos, etc. 2. Be aware of your response Recognise anxiety as it appears and ask yourself if this is in your head or how productive these thoughts are. Will this way of thinking help you see things in a new light or are you simply going over the same thing again and again? 3. Identify the positive intention We usually overthink because we want to protect ourselves, so think about what practical measures you need to take to achieve that. Learn how to stop overthinking can improve focus 4. Find useful distractions Telling yourself “you shouldn’t think about that” may have the opposite effect (the “don’t think of an elephant” effect). The more you try to suppress those thoughts, the more nagging they become. So, instead, try to divert attention and give your mind something else to focus on. This could be picking up a creative hobby that has a challenging element, working out, or calling a friend. 5. Dealing with 'what ifs' Train your mind to think 'what if' and create best-case scenarios. Inadvertently, you have trained your mind to think about the worse, so don’t doubt that you can also train it to do the opposite also. • JOIN US! Sign-up free to happiness.com and share your story and challenges • 6. Pay attention to what you consume The information that enters our minds can contribute to the snowball effect of overthinking. It’s important to read/hear positive and constructive information at the start and/or end of the day to counter an overthinking habit. 7. Reflection vs obsession As I said at the beginning of this piece, thinking about the past or future isn’t necessarily bad. But there’s a difference between reflecting and obsessing, and this is an important distinction if you want to learn how to stop overthinking. “Follow a body scan meditation script when going to bed to shift your awareness away from overthinking and into your bodily sensations.” One technique that can help is setting a time to reflect on things that matter to you and not letting your thoughts free rein. For example, tell yourself you can think about what's on your mind for 30 minutes between 17:00 and 17:30pm, but no more after that. You can even set an alarm if necessary so you know when to stop. 8. Relaxation techniques You can try controlled breathing exercises to help your brain slow down and shift your attention somewhere other than your worries. Alternatively, follow a body scan meditation script to shift your awareness away from overthinking and into your bodily sensations. This technique is particularly useful if you want to learn how to stop overthinking just before trying to get to sleep. 9. Live in the present Mindfulness techniques can help you focus on the present and make the most of it, bringing enjoyment instead of the anxiety triggered by overthinking. The takeaway: stop overthinking and live life If you’ve experienced the draining effect of rumination, know that it’s possible to break the cycle and learn how to stop overthinking. Finding triggers, becoming more aware of harmful thought processes, and developing strategies to distract and relax your mind can help you make the switch from passive to active thinking and take control of your thoughts. Don’t let anxiety and irrational negative thoughts interfere with your well-being. Put in practice the suggestions listed here on how to stop overthinking and you’ll realise that you can learn to cope with whatever life throws at you. • Main image: shutterstock/TeodorLazerev happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Mindfulness | Resilience | Letting Go Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Und plötzlich ist alles schwarz. Nicht nur im bildlichen Sinne, sondern tatsächlich. Katrin bricht zusammen, hat ein stundenlanges Blackout. Sie meldet sich krank und denkt, dass nach 1, 2 Wochen Pause alles wieder okay ist. Pustekuchen. Bei ihrer Ärztin bekommt sie die unerwartete Diagnose “Burnout”. Und auf einmal ist alles anders. 2 Jahre Krankschreibung und ein langer Weg zurück ins Licht sind die Folge. Hier erzählt Katrin ihre Geschichte. Burnout: Plötzlich macht das Leben eine Vollbremsung Rien ne va plus Ein toller neuer Job in einer wunderschönen lebendigen Metropole, eine tolle innovative Firma mit Family-Feeling, ein aufregendes anspruchsvolles Projekt, Kolleg*innen, die zu Freund*innen werden. Kurz: Katrin hat das große Los gezogen. Sie kniet sich richtig rein, mischt überall mit und verbreitet gute Laune. Sie bildet sich weiter, lässt ihre Kompetenzen wachsen, hat Erfolge und merkt nicht, dass sie auch mal Zeit braucht, um durchzuatmen und neue Kraft zu tanken. Bis es zu spät ist. Katrin erzählt: Ich war mitten in einem Call mit meinen Teamkolleginnen und von einem Moment zum anderen war ich weg. Ich bin 4, 5 Stunden später wieder zu mir gekommen, zum Glück hatte ich gerade Homeoffice und bin nicht im Büro oder auf der Straße zusammengeklappt. So fand ich mich in meinem Bett wieder und mir fehlte jede Erinnerung an die letzten Stunden. Ein sehr beunruhigendes Gefühl, aber ich war zu verwirrt, um wirklich Angst zu haben. Also hab ich mich früh hingelegt, um mich im Schlaf zu erholen, auch in der Hoffnung, dass am nächsten Morgen alles wie ein schlechter Traum war. Aber es war kein Traum. Ich fühlte mich, als hätte mir jemand den Stecker gezogen und fühlte mich elend und schlapp. Also ging ich zu meiner Ärztin, hab ihr das Erlebte beschrieben und auch meine aktuellen Symptome. Sie war beunruhigter als ich, weil ich immer noch dachte, das ist nur ein kleines Formtief; war stressig in letzter Zeit, aber das wird wieder. Das sah sie anders. Und ihre Diagnose hat mich dann gänzlich umgehauen: Burnout wegen totaler Erschöpfung. Die meisten Menschen, bei denen ein Burnout diagnostiziert wird, haben nicht gemerkt, dass sie geradewegs und schnurstracks auf einen Zusammenbruch zusteuern. Fatalerweise sind es oft die Herzensjobs, für die wir glühen und in die wir unsere Energie und Kraft stecken, die uns letztendlich ausknocken. Dies gilt besonders für den Typus Erschöpfungs-Burnout. Dazu zählen die Personen, die, wie im Fall von Katrin, über lange Zeit Vollgas im Job geben, Schwierigkeiten haben, Aufgaben zu delegieren und quasi auf jeder “Party” mittanzen wollen. Dieser energetische Antrieb funktioniert über lange Distanzen auch für die Firma sehr gut, denn wer bremst schon gerne ein motiviertes Arbeitstier? Eben. Aber irgendwann hat auch der größte Tank keinen Sprit mehr und wir müssen feststellen, dass unsere Energie und Kraft endlich ist, wenn wir keine “innere” Tankstelle haben und nutzen. Typen von Burnout: Bist du überfordert, unterfordert oder erschöpft? Burnout ist nicht gleich Burnout Es gibt neben dem Typus “Erschöpfung” noch 2 weitere Burnout-Persönlichkeiten, wie verschiedene wissenschaftliche Studien1 ergaben: der Überforderungs-Burnout Dieser Burnout-Typus ist dem Erschöpfungs-Burnout sehr ähnlich mit dem kleinen Unterschied, dass hier die aufgewendete Arbeitsenergie zwar auch riesig ist, aber aufgrund innerer oder äußerer Anforderungen verpufft. Nicht jeder ist ein Sisyphos, der klaglos tagein tagaus eine tonnenschwere Steinkugel einen Hügel hinauf wuchtet, nur um zu “guter” Letzt an der Aufgabe zu scheitern, weil die schwere Kugel kurz vorm Gipfel den ganzen Weg wieder hinunter rollt. Die meisten von uns sind unzufrieden, wenn sie ihr Arbeitspensum nicht so erfüllen wie gewünscht und reiben sich an der permanenten Überlastung und den daraus resultierenden Selbstzweifeln auf. Zum Selbstschutz reagieren viele darauf, indem sie diese Unzufriedenheit und Frustration nach außen richten, denn als Ursachen werden vor Allem mangelnde Unterstützung und ineffiziente Strukturen am Arbeitsplatz verortet. Die Folge: Die emotionale Distanzierung vom Job und dem Unternehmen und “die innere Kündigung”2. der Unterforderungs-Burnout (Bore-Out3 und Brown-Out) Die innere Kündigung bzw. die fortschreitende Distanzierung vom Arbeitsplatz kann auch die Folge sein, wenn wir unter dem so genannten Unterforderungs-Burnout (Boreout) zusammenbrechen. Denn genauso wie stete Überlastung führt auch permanente Unterforderung zu Frustration und dem zermürbendem Gefühl der Belanglosigkeit des eigenen Tuns. Viele fühlen sich für ihren Job überqualifiziert und deswegen unterfordert, was dem Gefühl der Wertschätzung abträglich und dem Gefühl der langeweile zuträglich ist. Es ist nachvollziehbar, dass es großen Frust bedeutet, wenn die eigenen Talente und Fähigkeiten nicht gebraucht und erkannt werden. Die Folge: Nur noch der Körper quält sich zur täglichen Routine und täuscht Arbeit vor, Geist und Herz bleiben zu Hause und träumen von einer befriedigenden Tätigkeit. Die Wissenschaft hat einen dem Boreout sehr ähnlichen Typus ausgemacht: der Brownout. Zu dieser Form des Burnouts kommt es, wenn der einstige Spaß am Job und damit das Interesse und der Elan langsam verloren gehen. Meist passiert dies im Umfeld zu vieler Regeln oder durch die Abwesenheit von Kreativität, Eigeninitiative und Sinn in der Arbeit. Ein weiterer Grund für diesen Spannungsabfall (der Begriff Brownout kommt aus der Elektrizitätswirtschaft) sind die voneinander unabhängig wachsenden beruflichen und persönlichen Weiterentwicklungen und der schon beschriebene Erschöpfungs-Burnout, wie ihn auch Katrin erlebt hat. Im Gegensatz zum Überforderungstypus richten sich hier die negativen Gefühle in Form von Resignation und Hilflosigkeit nach innen, die Aufgaben werden zunehmend vernachlässigt, was die betroffenen Menschen zusätzlich belastet und zack - sind wir mitten in einem Teufelskreis. Denn die Ansprüche an sich selbst und die Anforderungen von außen bleiben so wie sie sind und werden bei der dramatisch abnehmenden Energie, Kraft und Leistungsfähigkeit mehr und mehr unerreichbar und sind nicht mehr zu meistern. Übrigens: Unter diesem Burnout - Typus finden sich auch viele Extrem - Multitasker*innen4, die in mehreren Browserfenstern je 20 Tabs geöffnet haben, nebenher To-Do-Listen schreiben und versuchen alles gleichzeitig zu tun, denn sonst überstiege das Arbeitspensum die Arbeitszeit bei weitem. Wir sehen: Auch wenn die Ursachen eines Burnout sehr unterschiedlich sind, das Ergebnis ist das Gleiche: Nichts geht mehr, rien ne va plus… Burnout vermeiden: Aufmerksamkeit, Selbstfürsorge und Achtsamkeit Wehret den Anfängen! Was sich mit der Zeit zu einem ausgewachsenen Burnout entwickelt, hat schon klein damit angefangen, mal ganz groß rauszukommen. Dabei sind manche Menschen eher gefährdet als andere wegen eines Burnout zwangspausieren oder gar den Job wechseln zu müssen. Allergrößte Vorsicht und eine geschärfte Selbstbeobachtung sind ratsam, sollte es uns schwerfallen, Grenzen zu setzen und auch mal “Nein!” zu sagen. Wenn wir in einem Team arbeiten ist Teamwork, also sich gegenseitig zuzuarbeiten und zu unterstützen eine Grundvoraussetzung für effektives und gesundes Arbeiten. Und auch das Delegieren von Aufgaben ist nichts Böses, sondern verteilt die Gesamtheit der Aufgaben gerecht unter allen Beteiligten je nach Verfügbarkeit, Interesse und Fähigkeiten. Ob im Team oder alleine: Wir sollten uns regelmäßig fragen, ob wir mit unserer Arbeit zufrieden und mit unserem Arbeits-Ich im Einklang sind. Oder ob etwas verändert werden sollte. Können wir unsere Freizeit geniessen oder schleppen wir die Arbeitslast 24/7 mit uns herum? Wie sieht es mit der Gesundheit aus? Diese Selbstbeobachtungen können uns davor schützen, uns plötzlich ahnungslos und völlig überraschend am Abgrund stehend wiederzufinden. Katrin erzählt: Im Nachhinein betrachtet gab es genügend Anzeichen dafür, dass mein Arbeitseifer ungesunde Züge angenommen hatte. Ich hab nur noch 4 Stunden geschlafen, zum Abschalten brauchte ich ein Glas Wein, ich hab von der Firma geträumt, ich konnte nichts mehr aus der Hand geben und mein Privatleben war nicht mehr existent. Ich habe es allerdings nicht als das erkennen können, was es war, nämlich zunehmende Überlastung. In meinen Augen war ich einfach sehr engagiert und sehr um den Erfolg des Projektes bemüht. Da war es keine große Sache vor der Fahrt ins Office um 4 Uhr morgens mit dem Team in Shanghai technische Details zu klären. Und weil ich mir immer mehr Aufgaben und Bereiche aneignete haben die vertraglichen 40 Stunden pro Woche nicht mehr ausgereicht, also habe ich Feierabende und Wochenende weitergearbeitet, um alles einigermaßen schaffen zu können und im Urlaub war die Arbeit auch immer dabei. Langsam hatte sich das alles so entwickelt und genauso langsam hab ich mich dabei verändert. Der Druck, den ich mir selber gemacht habe hat sich auf meine Konzentration, meine Energie und vor Allem auf meine Laune ausgewirkt. Die Mißtöne im Team nahmen zu, ich fühlte mich unterschätzt und zweifelte am Vertrauen meiner Kolleg*innen und der Firma. Ich wurde immer häufiger krank, weil mein Magen diesem ungesunden Stress und dem hektischen Alltag nicht mehr gewachsen war. Und genau diese langsame Entwicklung war fatal, denn so bemerkte ich viel zu spät, dass ich nur noch ein trauriger Abklatsch meines früheren Ichs geworden war. Eine wichtige Erkenntnis zur Vermeidung eines Burnout und zum wachsenden Bewusstsein, dass wir auf dem besten Wege sind, auszubrennen: Selbstfürsorge und Selbstachtsamkeit sind keine reine Privatsache und dürfen gedanklich nicht an der Bürotür abgegeben werden. In unserer Freizeit und bei uns daheim achten wir auf uns und unser Wohlbefinden, horchen in uns hinein, ob uns etwas zu viel wird und was uns gut tut. Warum sollte dies unserem Arbeits-Ich nicht gestattet sein? Schließlich ist es unser Arbeits-Ich, das das Geld für unser Leben verdient. Deshalb ist es wichtig, rund um die Uhr auf uns zu achten, Dissonanzen mit schädlichem Potential zu erkennen und damit umzugehen, regelmäßig eine ehrliche Selbstbetrachtung durchzuführen und vor Allem Rücksprache mit Kolleg*innen und/oder Vorgesetzten zu halten. Ein weiterer guter Schutz vor Stress, Belastung und dem täglichen Wahnsinn im Berufsleben ist das kurze Innehalten, ob in Form von Meditation oder einem kleinen Spaziergang um den Block oder ganz einfach das bewusste tiefe Durchatmen: Wenn wir uns für ein paar Minuten vom Stress und Druck verabschieden und ihn von außen betrachten statt uns von ihm mitreißen zu lassen, schöpfen wir neue Kraft für die nächste Runde und bleiben bei uns statt uns im Chaos zu verlieren. Und das Wichtigste ist: Wir brauchen einen ausgleichenden Konterpart für die zuweilen stressige Arbeitswelt und da sind wir auch schon bei der vielzitierten Work-Life-Balance. Die Arbeitswelt hat sich in den letzen Jahrzehnten stark verändert. Neben völlig neuen Jobs und Anforderungen hat sich bei vielen auch die Grenze zwischen Beruf und Privatleben verschoben oder gleich ganz aufgelöst. Diese Entwicklung war zunächst bei jungen Start-Up-Unternehmen zu beobachten, aber durch die Pandemie und den Lockdown haben unzählige Menschen ihre Arbeit mit nach Hause genommen und von da an hieß es erst einmal: Home-Office. Wenn Privatraum und Arbeitsstelle am gleichen Ort sind gehen auch Privatleben und Berufsleben schnell Hand in Hand. Deshalb sollten wir in unseren Köpfen eine klare Grenze ziehen: In der Arbeitszeit wird gearbeitet, in der Freizeit haben wir frei. Besonders für diejenigen unter uns, die größtenteils sitzend ihrer Arbeit nachgehen, ist es unbedingt notwendig, so viel Zeit wie möglich aktiv zu sein. Vom Spaziergang übers Laufen zum Marathontraining, vom Yoga übers Schwimmen bis hin zum Kickboxen - Hauptsache, der Körper kommt so oft wie möglich vom Stuhl hoch und in Wallung. Neben ausreichender Bewegung und Sport hätten wir dann auch noch genug Zeit übrig, um unseren anderen Hobbies zu fröhnen und Familie und Freunde zu treffen (oder wenigstens zu sprechen). So kann eine gesunde Work-Life-Balance aussehen. Work-Life-Blending5 / Work-Life-Integration6 Im Rahmen der sich stetig verändernden Arbeitswelt etablieren sich vermehrt andere Konzepte als z. B. der klassische 9 to 5-Bürojob, mehr zeitliche und örtliche Flexibilität sind erforderlich (beispielsweise wegen unterschiedlicher Zeitzonen und wechselnder Standorte) und so verschwimmen die Grenzen zwischen beruflich und privat mehr und mehr. Mehr Infos gibt es hier. Das Leben nach dem Burnout: Bilanz ziehen, Ausgleich schaffen, Veränderungen schaffen Burnout und dann? Ein Burnout markiert den vorläufigen Endpunkt einer oft jahrelangen Entwicklung zur Selbstausbeutung, zur Hoffnungslosigkeit und zu großen Selbstzweifeln, die in der vollständigen Kapitulation vorm Leben enden können. Dazu drohen Jobverlust, Zukunftsängste, Minderwertigkeitsgefühle und am Allerschlimmsten: Der nachhaltige Verlust der körperlichen und mentalen Gesundheit. Das lässt erahnen, dass es nach einem Burnout nicht mit 2 Wochen Urlaub getan ist. Denn es reicht nicht aus, den Stress für eine gewisse Zeit aus unserem Leben zu verbannen und insgesamt “runterzukommen”. Es geht vor Allem um Ursachenforschung, um einem möglichen Rückfall vorzubeugen. Aber es geht vor Allem darum, unser ganzes Leben, unseren Alltag, unsere Energiequellen und unseren Selbstwert und unsere Selbstliebe unter die Lupe zu nehmen. Was können wir in unserem Wesen und in unserem Leben den kommenden Anforderungen entgegensetzen? Welche Kräfte müssen wir mobilisieren, um nicht nur alltagstauglich, sondern auch ausgeglichen und optimistisch durchs Leben gehen zu können? Kurz gefragt: Wie, was und wieviel müssen wir ändern, um wieder auf die Beine zu kommen und auch langfristig auf den Beinen zu bleiben? Katrin erzählt: Die ersten Monate waren die schlimmsten. Nach der Diagnose hat mein Hirn nur langsam verarbeitet, was mit mir passiert ist. Ich denke, ich stand einerseits unter einer Art Schock, weil mir erst jetzt bewusst wurde, wie schlecht es mir geht. Andererseits hatte ich das beängstigende Gefühl, komplett den Boden unter den Füßen verloren zu haben und habe in mir verzweifelt nach Gedanken und Hoffnungen gesucht, die mir die Kraft für die Zukunft geben können. Da war aber nichts mehr. Aus mir war gänzlichst die Luft raus, alle Energie war restlos ausgesaugt und meine Gefühle & Gedanken waren ein großes lautes Nichts. Von Februar, als alles begann bis Juni habe ich praktisch nur im Bett verbracht, mit geschlossenen Fenstern, heruntergelassenen Jalousien und so gut wie keinem Kontakt zur Außenwelt. Ich war einfach nicht mehr Teil dieser Welt da draussen und ich fühlte mich dumpf und leer. Der erste bewusste Schritt aus meiner persönlichen Dunkelkammer waren die Gespräche mit meiner Psychologin und eine 3-monatige Online-Therapie. Und die tägliche Einnahme eines Psychopharmakas, das ich auch heute, 2 Jahre nach meinem Burnout, noch nehme. Ich habe wenig Vergleichsmöglichkeiten, deswegen kann ich nicht sagen, ob mein Genesungsverlauf typisch oder atypisch ist. Er gleicht in meinem Fall einem Rollercoaster mit langen Anstiegen, Abstürzen, rasanten Talfahrten und einigen Loopings. Mittlerweile rollt meine Bahn aber langsam aus und vielleicht kann ich die ganze Achterbahngeschichte schon bald ganz hinter mir lassen. Zwischenzeitlich habe ich aber oft nicht geglaubt, dass ich da wieder heil herauskomme. Denn so sehr ich versuchte, wieder auf die Füße zu kommen, es kam immer wieder ein Morgen, an dem ich ohne Hoffnung und Lebenslust aufgewacht bin. Einige Monate lang hatte ich das Gefühl, einen Schritt vor aber anschließend wieder 3 zurück zu machen. Was mir sehr dabei geholfen hat durchzuhalten, war die Gewissheit, dass meine Firma und meine Kolleg*innen hinter mir stehen und ich mir keine zusätzlichen Sorgen über Jobverlust und Arbeitslosigkeit machen musste. Und meine Familie ist immer für mich da, obwohl wir weit verstreut leben. Burnout und Depression: Dasselbe, das Gleiche oder ganz unterschiedlich? Burnout vs Depression Ein Burnout ist keine Depression7, obwohl die Anzeichen und Auswirkungen etwas anderes vermuten lassen könnten. Eine (klinische) Depression ist eine sehr ernste psychische Erkrankung, die z. B. aufgrund einer genetischen Prädisposition entstehen und sich durch äußere Einflüsse so verschlechtern kann, dass eine zeitweilige stationäre Behandlung und nicht selten eine lebenslange Medikation notwendig sein kann. Eine Depression kann aber im Gegensatz zu einem Burnout auch kontextfrei in Erscheinung treten, also ohne sichtbaren äußeren Auslöser.Auch ein Burnout ist eine ernste Erkrankung, die häufig depressive Phasen nach sich zieht und viele Symptome aufweist, die einem depressiven Zustand ähneln: Schlaflosigkeit oder ein überhöhtes Schlafbedürfnis, Antriebslosigkeit, Rückzug und Mutlosigkeit gehören dazu. Wegen der Ähnlichkeit der Symptome spricht man an Stelle von Burnout auch von einer “Erschöpfungsdepression”. In der Regel sind hier die auslösenden Faktoren aber weitestgehend extrinsisch (von außen einwirkend) während eine Depression von intrinsischen Faktoren ausgeht.Laut WHO und ICD ist Burnout (noch) nicht als Krankheit oder Syndrom klassifiziert, sondern gehört "nur" zu den stark gesundheitsbelastenden Faktoren. Genesen vom Burnout: Back to business? Stelle wechseln? Kürzer treten? Zurück ins Leben, zurück in den Beruf? Es ist ein gutes Gefühl der Sicherheit, wieder in den Beruf und an den Arbeitsplatz zurückkehren zu können. Ob das immer die beste Lösung ist, darf allerdings bezweifelt werden. Diese Entscheidung ist davon abhängig, wo die Auslöser für den Burnout lagen. Wenn ungesunde Arbeitsumstände, schwelende Konflikte, zu hohes Arbeitspensum oder andere externe Faktoren von Seiten der Firma / dem Arbeitsplatz den Weg zum Burnout bereitet haben, dann ist entweder ein Arbeitsplatzwechsel oder ein anderer Wirkungsbereich und evt. eine Arbeitszeitverkürzung die beste Maßnahme, um einem erneuten Burnout vorzubeugen. Wenn allerdings viele interne Faktoren wie übersteigerter Ehrgeiz, zu hohe Selbstansprüche, die Unfähigkeit zu delegieren oder eine andere persönliche “Schwäche” geradewegs in den Burnout geführt haben, dann liegt der Hauptanteil der Veränderung beim Wiedereinstieg an und in uns selbst. Dazu gehört auch die Offenheit gegenüber den Arbeits- oder Teamkolleg*innen und dem Management und der Wille gegenseitig auf sich aufzupassen, damit sich die eigene Geschichte nicht wiederholt, weder bei dem betroffenen Menschen noch beim Rest der Belegschaft. Denn aus Erfahrung wissen die betroffenen Personen nur zu gut: Oft sehen die Außenstehenden das nahende Unheil viel eher und deutlicher als man selbst. Ein Burnout verändert vieles: Die Sicht aufs Leben, den Freundeskreis und den Alltag Burnout und die Folgen Die gute Nachricht zuerst: Ein Burnout8 kann restlos überwunden werden. Besser noch: Bei einer achtsamen und umfassenden Genesung (die im Extremfall Jahre dauern kann) hat sich der Blick auf das Leben und auf sich und die ganze Umwelt zu Gunsten von Qualität und Intensität so zum Positiven verändert, dass man wie ein neuer Mensch mit offenen Armen und Augen durch das Leben spaziert. Es mag abgedroschen klingen: Aber ja, ein Burnout kann ein Gamechanger sein, und birgt auch die Aussicht auf ein glückliches und zufriedenes Leben danach in sich. Aber ein Burnout kann auch andere Folgen nach sich ziehen, für die wir in der Regel nicht so dankbar sind. Durch den Zusammenbruch und den Rückzug aus der gewohnten Welt verlieren die betroffenen Menschen nicht nur den Kontakt zu sich selbst, sondern auch zu Freunden und Bekannten. Bei manchen manifestieren sich rund um den Burnout Ängste, die vorher nicht zu spüren waren, viele Betroffene greifen zu verschiedensten Substanzen, um mit der Leere und dem Schmerz fertig zu werden. Kurzum: Zum Burnout können sich noch andere Probleme gesellen, die die Genesung begleiten und behindern können. Katrin erzählt: Zu Beginn meiner Heilung habe ich fast nur die negativen Seiten meines Burnouts gesehen: Die Isolation, der Verlust meines Selbstvertrauens, meine Selbstzweifel und meine Angst, dass alles so schlimm bleiben könnte. Aber trotz einiger Aufs und Abs wurde das Gefühl, dass sich etwas in mir zum Guten ändert, langsam immer größer. Viele Veränderungen habe ich mir fast schon aufgezwungen, wie täglich das Haus zu verlassen, denn während meiner Auszeit habe ich zeitweise für mehrere Wochen am Stück ausschließlich in meiner Wohnung gehockt und hatte panische Angst, draussen zu sein. Manche Veränderungen kamen automatisch, denn mit zunehmender Achtsamkeit mir gegenüber wurde mein Blick für meine Umwelt auch wieder klarer. Ich esse mittlerweile nur noch vegetarisch, trinke keinen Alkohol, ich recycle / upcycle alles, was nicht unbedingt entsorgt werden muss und mein Plastikkonsum tendiert gegen Null. Ich bin wesentlich ruhiger als jemals vorher, ich bringe sogar die Ruhe auf, zu meditieren und es gibt nur noch wenige Momente, in denen ich in alte, schlechte Gewohnheiten verfallen möchte. So kitschig es auch klingt: Ich bin meinem Burnout dankbar, denn durch ihn hat sich mein Leben an so vielen Stellen positiv verändert, ich fühle mich wie neugeboren und sicher und stark. Und wegen dieser neuen Wertschätzung meines Lebens und meiner selbst werde ich jetzt gut auf mich aufpassen, regelmäßig zur Ruhe kommen und meine innere Energietankstelle pflegen... Hat dir der Artikel gefallen? Erfahre mehr über das kostenlose Angebot des happiness Projekts: Unsere Mission: Eine sichere und sich gegenseitig unterstützende Gemeinschaft zu ermöglichen, in der Werkzeuge, Praktiken und Erfahrungen ausgetauscht werden, die es jedem ermöglichen, ein glückliches und erfülltes Leben zu führen. Konkret heißt das für dich, dass du als Mitglied der happiness Gemeinschaft kostenlose folgende Vorteile genießt: regelmäßige Tipps zur Stressbewältigung, Meditation, Nachhaltigkeit und vielen anderen spannenden Themengebieten gelebte Inspirationen für ein glücklicheres Leben durch neue, tiefe Freundschaften im happiness Forum Erfahrungen austauschen, anderen auf ihrem Lebensweg beistehen und selbst unterstützt werden spannende, kostenlose Online Kurse in der happiness Academy belegen (aktuell ausschließlich auf englisch) z.B. Achtsamkeitsmeditation/ MBSR wissenschaftlich fundierte Artikel im happiness Magazin über das glücklich sein, zu den Vorteilen der Meditation, ... Du kannst dem Auf- und Ab des Lebens nicht entkommen, aber du kannst lernen bewusster damit umzugehen, es anzunehmen und dadurch innere Freiheit zu erlangen. Werde heute noch Teil der liebevollen Gemeinschaft offenherziger Menschen und melde dich jetzt an. Zu guter Letzt Das Thema Burnout sollte immer ernst genommen werden, es ist keine Zeitgeist-Erkrankung für erfolgsversessene Manager*innen, sondern kann jede*n von uns erwischen. Deshalb ist eine regelmäßige ehrliche Selbstbeschau9 und eine große Aufmerksamkeit des eigenen und des Verhaltens anderer Personen gegenüber so wichtig. Es gibt verschiedene Wege der Genesung, aber am besten ist es, es erst garnicht so weit kommen zu lassen. Denn der Weg aus dem Burnout dauert fast so lange wie der Weg zu ihm hin. Deshalb: Passen wir auf uns und aufeinander auf! Quellen: [1] psylex.de/psychische-probleme/burnout/varianten-copingstrategien [2] www.stepstone.at/Karriere-Bewerbungstipps/innere-kuendigung [3] hellobetter.de/blog/boreout/ [4] www.baua.de/DE/Angebote/Publikationen/Berichte [5] karrierebibel.de/work-life-blending [6] karrierebibel.de/work-life-integration [7] minddoc.de/magazin/unterschied-burnout-depression [8] www.zeit.de/karriere/beruf/2014-06/wichtigste-fragen-burn-out [9] soulsweet.de/bist-du-burnout-gefaehrdet Geschrieben von Nikola Nikola ist als Autorin und Community Managerin Teil des happiness.com Teams. Sie ist Pädagogin, Fachinformatikerin und hat obendrauf Psychologie studiert. Sie liebt Worte und Taten, Schwimmen und Radeln, Nähen und Fotografieren und natürlich ihre Katze. Sie mag Spaziergänge um 5 Uhr morgens, das Meer, im Regen herumhüpfen und alles, was mit Upcycling zu tun hat.

Science says that showing kindness to others benefits both the receiver and the giver. With that in mind, Calvin Holbrook shares some great ideas for paying it forward. Spread some joy today and beyond with these 22 random acts of kindness. Daily life presents us with so many opportunities to show random acts of kindness to others. However, for a variety of reasons we often fail to have the awareness to notice the times when we could do so. Whether we are rushing around, staring at our devices, feeling grouchy, or simply not being mindful, we often fail to stop and sense opportunities to show kindness to strangers. A decreasingly kind society was one of the reasons why the Random Acts of Kindness Day takes place on 17 February each year. It's celebrated by individuals, groups and organizations worldwide, to encourage acts of kindness that spread happiness through communities. Indeed, the day represents 24 hours when people have the chance to focus on spreading love and joy to as many people as possible. However, we shouldn't just celebrate kindness on a single day. Incorporating altruism and random acts of kindness into your daily routine should be something which you live by. But why? Random acts of kindness: 22 ideas There are real benefits to showing kindness. Indeed, being kind is not just beneficial to the person on the receiving end of the good deed. In fact, showing kindness leads to scientifically-proven positive feelings for the giver and receiver. Researchers have proven that the power of kindness is potent, releasing happiness hormones that help to reduce stress and anxiety. Furthermore, a two-decade long study from the University of California, San Diego, showed that happiness is contagious. So, if you show one person a random act of kindness, they are likely to then pay it forward to someone else, creating a ripple effect. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • Bearing this in mind, why not try to incorporate more altruistic acts into your daily routine? Here are 22 ideas for random acts of kindness you can try out that will help brighten someone else's day and make you feel good at the same time... 1. Compliment a stranger All humans seek connection, but in today's society it’s not easy to strike up a conversation with a total stranger without them doubting your intentions, even if you're just being nice. However, if you spot a someone in the street with a beautiful smile, face or jacket – or anything else that grabs your interest – point it out them in a polite and friendly manner. They’re sure to be flattered by your compliment and it may even lead to a deeper conversation or friendship. 2. Give up your seat on public transport Travelling to or from work on public transport is rarely pleasant, especially if you're stuck on your feet for the journey (or worse still, with someone's stinky armpit in your face). So, on your next bus or metro ride, if you’re lucky enough to have a seat, why not pass it to a stranger who looks like they need it more than you? The happiness you will spread from this random act of kindness will make standing up just that little bit more bearable. 3. Gift a book Do you have a favourite memoir, work of fiction, or self-help book that’s inspired you? Or, perhaps you have some mindfulness books or books on meditation that have helped you through tricky times? If so, instead of letting a great book gather dust on a shelf at home, pass those powerful pages onto someone you think could benefit from them. Also, suggest to your friend that once they’ve finished the book, they pass it on, too, keeping the kindness ripple effect flowing. Words work: gift a book as a random act of kindness shutterstock/Dymtro Zinkevych 4. Share your favorite song on social media Research suggests that listening to the music we love helps us to be kinder, creative and more helpful. In that case, share your favorite track on social media and maybe you can help spread some joy or even introduce your friends to some new sounds they will fall in love with. 5. Call a family member or friend In our increasingly busy world, it seems there’s never quite enough time to keep up with all of our loved-ones. Most of us know rely on instant messages or texts to communicate with friend and family but we should never underestimate the power of talking and listening to each other in an actual live phone call. So, ring or Skype a family member of friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with for ages. Just pick up the phone and do it. And don't forget to tell them that you love them: hearing those three words will always brighten someone's day. • JOIN US! Find your tribe on happiness.com through shared passions • 6. Leave a sticky note for someone A quick, easy and fun random act of kindness idea is to write an uplifting message on a sticky note and leave it randomly on your travels for someone to discover. You could place it within a book, newspaper or on any public space. You could also try writing out mindfulness quotes or suicide prevention quotes on sticky notes, offering hope to people that might spot them. There are so many people living with anxiety and depression at the moment that it may just help them. “Random acts of kindness lead to scientifically-proven positive feelings, for both the giver and receiver.” Alternatively, get specific and leave a sticky smile or note for someone you already know: a colleague, housemate, partner or a family member. It's quick, cute and fun, and will lift them up. 7. Pick up litter Sadly, some people still think it's OK just to drop their trash on the floor and expect street cleaners to sweep it up. Rubbish is a blight on the neighborhood and a real eyesore, especially when out in nature. So, when you spot some rubbish on the floor, simply pick it up and put it in the nearest bin (followed by applying a spritz of hand sanitizer of course). This small, selfless act of goodwill makes you feel better and help improve the environment for everyone that follows you. RELATED: Why is volunteering important? For a deeper effect, join or set-up a litter-picking group volunteering session at your nearest park or beach. This activity benefits the community as a whole and also provides you with a chance to meet new, like-minded folk – that's a real win-win random act of kindness! Show goodwill by joining a litter-pick session shutterstock/Dragon Images 8. Leave food for a homeless person Lots of us feel misgivings about passing cash to the homeless when they ask for it: we wonder if they use that money for food or shelter or spend it on harmful things. Indeed, sadly, sometimes we now even have to question whether that person begging is really homeless at all. So, as an alternative to giving money, leave some fruit, nuts, or a sandwich – something nutritious. Or, leave some warm clothing, a clean blanket or hygiene supplies. A genuine homeless person will hopefully be full of gratitude for your act of goodwill. RELATED: 7 ways to choose kindness every day 9. Better still, talk with a homeless person Imagine having thousands of people walk past you daily, deliberately avoiding your gaze or looking at you with contempt or disgust. This is what homeless people go through every day. And, without the right safety nets, any one of us reading this could end up in this position, especially in these difficult and challenging times. So, take a few minutes to chat with a homeless person about their life. Ask them their name. Ask how they are feeling. Share stories and humanity. This random act of kindness will certainly make them feel that little bit more human. 10. Brighten someone’s day with a plant Receiving a bunch of beautiful flowers is a lovely idea, but they die too fast! Instead, gifting a plant can be cheap and very cheerful. Indeed, plants are natural pick-me-ups, and, because they need care to survive, they encourage the nurturing side of humans. And you don't have to go far to find them – the recent trend for houseplants mean they are easier to find than ever, with lots of exotic varieties on offer in your local supermarket. “Take a few minutes to chat with a homeless person about their life. Ask them their name. Ask them how they are feeling. Share stories and humanity.” So, buy a houseplant for a friend or work colleague, or even give one anonymously by leaving it on someone's doorstep to increase the mystery of this random act of kindness. Or, why not be kind to yourself and treat yourself to a pretty plant: go on, you deserve it! Bloomin' marvellous: be kind and give a plant shutterstock/Beach Creatives 11. Donate to charity As spring approaches, it’s a great chance to have a big clear-out of your closet. So, spend a few hours rifling through your old clothes and donate a bag of your bits to your preferred charity shop. For the full double deed of kindness, while you’re dropping off your donation, consider buying something as well. Buying from charity shops instead of buying new is also great for the environment. 12. Leave some art for someone Another cool random act of kindness idea is to use your creativity to change someone’s day. Leave a poem, mandala, drawing or painting somewhere in the community and let someone randomly discover and enjoy it. The surprise will be sure to put a grin on their face. • JOIN US! Sign up and join our curious, caring and inspirational online community! • 13. Cakes for colleagues Whip up some sweet treats in the oven and bring them into the workplace to share with your colleagues (yes, even those that you don’t always see eye-to-eye with – showing compassion is good for you). The fact that you’ve personally made something to share will make all the difference, too. Can't cook? Then splurge down the bakery instead as a plan B. The bonus of this random act of kindness is that you will also be able to get to munch on the cakes. 14. Send a postcard to someone you love Remember snail mail? Do you recall the joy of seeing a handwritten letter pop through the letterbox and land on your doormat? In this digital age, handwritten letters have almost been wiped out, so, let's change that. It doesn’t matter if you’re not away on holiday – and let's face it, at the moment that's more and more unlikely – you can still drop someone a handwritten note. “Another cool random act of kindness is to use your creativity to change someone's day. Leave a poem, mandala, drawing or painting somewhere in the community for people to appreciate.” So, even if you're at home, pop out and buy a nice postcard, a stamp, and spend a couple of minutes penning some loving lines to someone you care about. They're sure to get a buzz when your goodwill wishes land on their mat! Postcard it forward: get crafty to be kind 15. Buy local OK, we've all bought from Amazon to get a cheap deal, and many of us will have gone crazy on it during lockdown. But skip Amazon for the day. Support your nearby community by buying something from a local independent – either in person or through its website. Of course, it may be a little more expensive, but your purchase will help support local businesses and their families, rather than one fat cat receiving all the profits. 16. Have a judgement-free day Many of us tend to judge people instantly. From how they look, what they're wearing, or because of things they've said that we don't agree with or decisions made. Try to live a day free of judgement: in thoughts, words and actions. Don't let your fears or insecurities affect how you're thinking. 17. Connect with those that serve others When buying or ordering something, we often fail to engage fully with those behind the counter. So, next time you stop for gas, coffee or food, chat with your server. Ask them how their day is going, what time they clock off, or compliment them on something. And certainly don't browse the web or chat on your mobile phone while they're serving you: that's just plain rude. 18. Buy energy-efficient lightbulbs Have you seen the light yet? If you haven’t done so already, show some kindness to yourself and the environment by ensuring all your lightbulbs in your home are energy efficient. While they may seem more expensive, switching to energy efficient lighting is one of the best ways to cut your energy bill in the long-run. Plus, you don’t have to replace them so often. 19. Speak with a senior Research suggests that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. So, if you have some elderly neighbours, pop round to have a chat over a cuppa. Or, if you see a senior in a shop or street and there’s a way to engage with them, do so. Sometimes, the elderly don’t speak to people for days on end and their only contact is through going shopping. Remember: we're all going to get old one day and that you could be you in a similar position in the future. Help the aged: connect with your elders shutterstock/halfpoint 20. Pay it forward with a coffee A tried and tested idea for an act of random kindness, offering to pay for the caffeine fix of someone else in the queue is an inexpensive and easy way of spreading some cheer. It's quick and gets immediate results (mine's a soya flat white, thanks!). 21. Be kind on social media Twitter and Facebook can be full of negativity, bitter trolls and oneupmanship. At the same time, we often get in the habit of breezing through social media posts and articles without actually reading things properly. Change all that by being nice. If you read a social media post or a well-written article that touches you, take a few seconds to leave a positive comment and let the author know. Why not start by telling us what you think of this article below? 22. Our final random act of kindness: share this post! Speaking of sharing, your last act of random kindness could be to share this article on social media and help to spread love and happiness as far and wide as possible. Let's all try to make a difference together! ● Main image: Oksana Mizina/Shutterstock.com How many of these random acts of kindness ideas have you tried? How did they go? Has anyone ever surprised you with one of these tips? happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Altruism | Deep listening | Purpose of life Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, makes collage artwork and loves swimming, yoga, dancing to house/techno, and all things vintage! Find out more.

Choosing kindness over negativity or indifference may not be our default reaction, but we can cultivate it over time through consistent action. Sonia Vadlamani offers seven ways in which we can reconnect with kindness towards others and ourselves as well. The discussion around kindness has heightened ever since the COVID-19 pandemic unfolded, perhaps owing to the rise of various aid groups during lockdowns and contingencies, or because the interruption of life as we knew it caused us to reconsider our priorities and values. Indeed, kindness is undoubtedly considered one of the most prized social currencies, in addition to being the cornerstone for humankind’s virtues. Philosophers and spiritual gurus have hailed the virtue of kindness as a potent gift for centuries, while academic researchers and psychologists have conducted considerable research centered on the power of kindness. Still, at some point in our lives, most of us have been denied a more compassionate approach by someone or have disregarded the option to extend kindness towards others. Some of us have also been bullied online or received a harsh response to a genuine query, and at times we’ve regretted our indifferent or judgmental behavior towards others. With the wide-ranging benefits of kindness so well known, why do we need to be reminded to choose kindness – why don’t we 'just be kind' all the time? Why we need to choose kindness It is fair to wonder why we should have to “choose” kindness, rather than it being our natural state. However, our perennially busy and fast-paced lives may have rendered us indifferent to the suffering and problems of those around us. Furthermore, our inherent negativity bias may persuade us to react strongly to unfavorable or unpleasant outcomes, instead of assessing the situation in a more objective light. Additionally, human beings are wired to judge others according to their character and actions, while they tend to judge themselves based on the situation. This tendency – also known as “fundamental attribution error” – is based on the inconsistency in our reaction towards other people’s actions or views. While we may attribute our failures or decisions to the circumstances we were caught up in during a situation, we do not readily assess other people’s behavior and problems in the same understanding manner. For instance, if I ever park too close to someone else’s car, then I must’ve had an emergency, and hence it should be forgiven as a one-off incident. However, if someone else parked outside their line so that their vehicle encroaches a bit of my parking spot, then they must be irresponsible and need to be taught a lesson. Does this line of thought seem familiar to you as well? Donating goods – or time – to a foodbank is one way to choose kindness shutterstock/BAZA Production Indeed, choosing kindness can bring about the much-needed shift in the way we judge. Being kind can teach us to look carefully and objectively at the way we react to external stimuli and assess the circumstances before we react in a rude or harsh manner. Cultivating kindness as a choice “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible,” as the 14th Dalai Lama famously stated. Choosing kindness poses several benefits for us and others around us, yet costs nothing. To kindle kindness as a daily practice, Dr Tara Cousineau – renowned psychotherapist and author of The Kindness Cure – suggests that we ponder over the question: wow can I bring kindness into my day, in any small way? “Choosing kindness can bring about the much-needed shift in the way we judge. Being kind can teach us to look carefully and objectively at the way we react to external stimuli.” “Kindness is not random,” says Dr Cousineau. She explains that choosing kindness intentionally requires us to be compassionate, considerate, understanding and forgiving in a consistent manner, even on the days we may not feel like it. Authentic kindness requires genuine intention and effort on our part. The process of choosing kindness may gradually get easier once we start experiencing the joy or cheer that being kind sparks. How does choosing kindness benefit us? Being kind comes with a wealth of research-backed benefits. Acting kindly can make us feel less anxious, and can ease social avoidance tendencies, allowing us to form meaningful connections. Kindness can also combat psychological distress and alleviate depression. A study by Dr Hans Kirschner et al revealed that being kind switches off our inbuilt threat response, allowing us to feel safe and relaxed, thus promoting tissue regeneration and healing in the body. This ability to switch off the threat response can reduce the onset of disease and boost our well-being. 7 ways to practise choosing kindness every day Cultivating kindness in our daily routine begins with consistent action. Researcher Helen Weng compares the ability to practice kindness with the science of weightlifting, wherein one can build their ‘compassion muscle’ and get more adept at helping others with sufficient practise. Here are seven ways in which we can try to choose kindness – every day: 1. Create a kindness plan It is possible to choose kindness in the way of small gestures and little things that can spread happiness and brighten someone’s day. Jot down one act of kindness for each day of the month – for others and yourself – that you can carry out, thus encouraging the neural pathways in your brain towards embracing positivity and compassion. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation shares a comprehensive list of kindness ideas that can be carried out with minimal effort. Some examples of random acts of kindness can include: Buying a few extra items at the supermarket for donations – many supermarkets now have designated areas where you can leave produce. Alternatively, look into ways of donating to food banks. Complimenting a stranger in a good-natured manner. Befriending an elderly person to help them combat loneliness or inviting a senior for a chat over a cuppa. Supporting a local business by buying their products or eating at local restaurants and promoting them via your social media channels. 2. Practise compassionate listening Offering someone our undivided attention in the form of mindful listening can be a simple, effective and free way to choose kindness too. Remember it is essential to keep all technological distractions and our inner judgmental voice at bay while we do so. 3. Donate or raise funds for charity A survey conducted by Harvard Business School pointed out that individuals who were more generous financially and made sizeable charitable donations measured highest for overall happiness levels. The study thus revealed that prosocial spending, or utilizing one’s financial resources to help others resulted in improved emotional well-being. Raising funds for animal welfare, organizing a fundraiser for the care of cancer patients at your local hospital, helping a neighbor who may be facing a crisis by organizing a charity drive, etc. are some of the ways you could bring about a positive change by choosing kindness. A litter pick shows kindness to the planet shutterstock/Dragon Images 4. Choose to be kind online While the advent of social media has made us more aware and conscious, unfortunately it also has given rise to rampant cyberbullying, and hostile behavior based on one’s appearance, ethnicity, gender stereotypes, and personal beliefs etc. We can choose kindness online by encouraging positive messages, spreading cheer and love instead of hate, and ignoring negative or hateful content. Even when we disagree with someone, it is possible to do so in an objective and respectable manner. RELATED: Adult bullying and how to deal with it 5. Choose kindness for the planet While gardening offers several mental health benefits as a hobby, it can contribute towards greener and cleaner living spaces as well. Finding small ways to reduce our carbon footprint and adopting more sustainable practices like picking up litter, packing a waste-free lunch, carrying your own tote to grocery shop, etc, can go a long way to improve the world around us. 6. Practise kindness at work It is important to remember that your employees and coworkers have their own challenges, hidden from plain sight. This is especially true in the current times, with the COVID-19 pandemic disrupting lives at every level, as parents struggle to find a balance between working remotely and homeschooling. Leading with compassion can improve morale, boost productivity and ensure higher employee retention, according to research. “Choosing kindness intentionally requires us to be compassionate, considerate, understanding and forgiving in a consistent manner, even on the days we may not feel like it.” Leaders in service industry – and hospitality sector in particular – quite possibly realize the importance of choosing “habitual kindness”, in attempts to deliver experiences that customers will remember forever. Indeed, consumer decisions are often based on how well their expectations were met and the collective experience, so if you find yourself being loyal to a particular brand or service provider, it is probably because their leadership drives down kindness as their core value. 7. Choose to be kind to yourself Choosing kindness towards yourself becomes more crucial than ever during adverse times, or when you are feeling low. Afterall, it’s harder to practice kindness towards others when you’re stressed or overwhelmed. Befriending yourself gently through self-compassion and self-care is the first step towards choosing kindness. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests establishing helpful self-compassion breaks when you find that you’re stressed or being too harsh on yourself. Place a hand over your heart and practice saying to yourself: “May I regard myself in a gentler, fair light.”, or “May I bring kindness to this moment, even when I’m stressed.” These self-compassion statements will help you center your attention back to choosing kindness for yourself. The takeaway: choosing kindness As the famous saying goes, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind”. While we may not remember every person we ever met by their name, we are likely to remember each act of kindness rendered to us. Indeed, choosing kindness as a daily practice can offer a host of physiological and psychological benefits. Carrying out a series of activities centered on kindness can boost happiness, as revealed by an investigation experiment by Lee Rowland et al. Exercising kindness may take some practice but can also create long-lasting happiness for others as well as ourselves. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Altruism | Empathy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

There have been many feel-good health and environmental stories in the press during October. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten from the past month to uplift and inspire. On the face of it, October wasn't a great month for positive news stories. Nevertheless, there were quite a few items that perhaps did not receive the wider attention they deserved. If the month of October seemed to be all doom and gloom, then what were some of the news stories you may have missed? 1. Anti-cancer drug sourced from fungus A strange kind of mushroom that grows high in the Himalayan mountain range has been found to have powerful effects in the fight against cancer. In fact, scientists believe a component in the fungus called Cordycepin may be up to 40 times more effective in helping cells to defend themselves against cancers. Medical researchers have been looking into the fungus – which has been used in traditional Chinese medicine for years – to see how it might be adapted into a chemotherapy treatment. Work on the research is ongoing at the University of Oxford. 2. Consuming mushrooms helps to stave off depression In other fungi-related news, a mental health study in the United States has found that the consumption of mushrooms can play a big part in people's depressive moods. According to researchers, the presence of a certain antioxidant known as ergothioneine can reduce oxidative stress and in turn lower the odds of suffering from a mental health condition, including depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. 3. Mindfulness reduces cortisol, study finds According to the New Daily, an Australian news outlet, scientists in Germany have found that a daily session of mindfulness meditation reduces stress. Many scientific studies have also found similar results. However, this study at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognition measured cortisol levels. Instead of asking people to report how they felt, this research opted for a quantifiable way of establishing stress. Over a period of six months, meditating mindfully was found to reduce this stress hormone's prevalence significantly. RELATED: Morning meditation – the secret to a great day 4. Asian wildcats back from the brink of extinction Conservationists the world over hailed the success of Chinese efforts to protect Siberian tigers and Amur leopards in the remote north of the country. The latest surveys in the Jilin and Heilongjiang provinces of the People's Republic found that numbers of both species were on the rise. A pilot scheme that began in 2017 is being noted for its success. In essence, both creatures have been allowed to roam freely in a national park since then, helping to boost their number to about 60 over the course of the last four years, according to a report in Global Times. The stunning Siberian tiger shutterstock/Volodymyr Burdiak 5. Carbon dioxide made into perfume Carbon dioxide may be useful for making drinks fizzy but it's a big problem when it's released in large quantities into the atmosphere. According to numerous outlets, the start-up Air Company is trying to use carbon capture techniques to remove it. What they have come up with is a perfume that is based on ethanol. While that's nothing new in the perfumery world, the difference is that its range of newly announced scents contain ethanol that's been derived from CO2. As such, they claim their fragrances aren't just carbon neutral but carbon negative. 6. Korean scientists turn pee into power In the search for sustainable energy that will lower the human race's reliance on fossil fuels, there are many candidates. Among them now is urine-power, thanks to the work of the National Korea Maritime and Ocean University. Researchers there have perfected a technique for using human urine to generate electricity. Their process involves mixing urea with hydrogen fluoride and other substances to produce power. It's hoped its laboratory experiments will be scaled up in future so that wastewater treatment plants can become power stations. 7. Mozart's music can help to prevent seizures A report published in Epilepsy Today described how scientists in the USA had been researching the power of music when dealing with a group of people who could not have their seizures controlled by medication. In their study, the team played a variety of music to those with epilepsy, including a piece by Wagner and one by Mozart. They discovered that the neural activity most associated with the prelude to a seizure was significantly reduced when listening to the Mozart piece. It's thought that the musical structure of Sonata For Two Pianos (K448) is what helps to adjust the way the brain is working. Interestingly, they found that just 30 seconds or so of exposure was enough to have a noticeable effect but that no other piece of music displayed the same properties. 8. Brits fighting to protect endangered beetle A new nature reserve has been set up in a Norfolk wetland centre to try and help the Tansy beetle from extinction. The beetle is only known to exist in three locations. The new reserve is at one of those sites and aims to help the species to breed and thrive without interference to its habitat, according to ITV News. The green beetle is already protected but its preferred habitat is under threat so the move will hopefully at least stabilise its numbers in the wild. A close-up of the rare Tansy beetle shutterstock/Wirestock Creators 9. New solar-powered desalination technique unveiled According to the India Times, a new method for removing salt from water so that it can be drunk has been developed by a firm called Solar Water Solutions. The firm is based in Finland and reckons it can purify saltwater to a high level with nothing more complex than solar panels. The idea is to help people in areas without much water to desalinate seawater with no environmental cost in terms of energy consumption. At the moment, a pilot project has been set up to test the technique in Kenya. Once fully running, the company estimates that around 400,000 people living in rural parts of the country will benefit from the project. 10. Large amounts of rubbish removed from ocean The Pacific Ocean is home to huge amounts of rubbish, much of it plastic that is bobbing around in swirling vortices. In an experimental technique, a clean-up operation off the coast of California exceeded the developers' expectations. In fact, the method has removed as much as 31 tonnes of plastic rubbish from the sea between the start of July and October, according to the Independent. The project involved a single haul of rubbish that managed to pick up about ten tonnes of material somewhere between the US mainland and Hawaii. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Nature | Biotechnology | Biology | Stress Management Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

We all spend too much time 'in our heads' now and again. But overthinking regularly can be detrimental to our mental health if those thoughts are negative, so it's important to remember you are not your thoughts. Dee Marques offers some mindful exercises to help you do just that. Have you ever wondered how many thoughts we have in a day? It may seem impossible to calculate, but actually, we do have an answer. In fact, psychologists at a Canadian university have quantified the average number of daily thoughts an adult has as 6,200. This figure seems to confirm that we spend a lot of time in our heads. And there are plenty more studies to confirm this. For example, an article published in Science magazine reported that we spend more than 46 per cent of our waking hours thinking about things that aren’t related to what we’re doing in any given moment. Of course, thinking isn’t all bad and letting the mind wander can have its benefits. However, from a mental health perspective, it’s important to be aware of the content of our thoughts, and of the impact they can have when we let them run loose. Negative self-talk and rumination are real problems. Indeed, back in the early 2000s, researchers at the United States National Science Foundation estimated that 80 per cent of our thoughts are negative, and 95 per cent of them are repetitive. Looking at these statistics, it’s easy to understand how much our thoughts can affect our quality of life and potential for enjoyment. Get out of your head: you are not your thoughts! shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Psychiatrist Sigmund Freud once asked, “Where does a thought go when it’s forgotten?” Although this complex question has no definitive answer, there’s one thing we know: your thoughts leave a footprint in your mind. Sometimes, they can become a part of your identity, but here’s the thing: you are not your thoughts. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and moderate their impact. In this article, I’ll explain why you are not your thoughts and how you can curb the effects of negative thinking on your everyday life. The negative effects of brain chatter Self-talk, brain chatter, mental noise… whatever we call it, it's important to understand that allowing certain mental patterns to take control can be harmful. Well-being is a matter of balance. If we spend too much time focusing on thoughts, we run the risk of tipping the scale too heavily in one direction. In other words, if we think too much, that can mean that we’re acting too little, and life requires a healthy balance between thinking and acting. “If we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. Thoughts are not facts, and you are not your thoughts.” Moreover, if we don’t learn how to curb our negative inner dialogue, we can expose ourselves to unnecessary suffering and unhappiness. Living in our heads and dwelling on our thoughts can lead to rumination. This potentially toxic habit can cause multiple mental and physical health issues, from depression to high blood pressure, including insomnia, anxiety, and excessive alcohol consumption. Rumination is everything but productive. When we enter this state, we’re more likely to get trapped in cyclical thoughts and to believe we have no power to act on whatever is worrying us. The result is a pessimistic and passive outlook on life – the opposite of the healthy belief that you are not your thoughts. And while we’re stuck ruminating about the past or the future, we’re not acting in the present, which is the only thing over which we have some degree of control. RELATED: Learn how to stop overthinking Another danger is that if we don’t control brain chatter, we may end up losing sight of what’s real and what isn’t. You must remember that thoughts are not facts, and that you are not your thoughts. Let’s look at how to do this. You are not your thoughts: how to make it real First, identify what causes the problem. Keep a diary of your thoughts to see if you can find any patterns to when they appear or what triggers them. Common triggers are watching the news, mindlessly scrolling through social media feeds, and monotonous or repetitive tasks, like cleaning or driving the usual commute. Once you’ve identified the triggers, think of something that will keep your mind busy when the thoughts appear. For example, if this happens when you’re driving, make a habit of listening to uplifting podcasts about happiness or audiobooks. A digital detox can be a real eye opener and a big step in helping you realise that you are not your thoughts. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques The second suggestion is not to suppress those thoughts completely. You don’t want to encourage the “don’t think of an elephant” effect. Instead, give yourself 15 minutes a day to calmly consider your worries. Set an alarm and once it goes off, remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, and carry on with your day. It can also help to take an active approach to your worries. Write them down and think about what can you do about them. You may want to use brainstorming techniques to be creative with problems instead of letting them define your life. Exercises to practise If uncontrolled thoughts have become mental noise that drains your energy, you can learn to silence them with mindfulness. This practice trains our brain to observe thoughts instead of automatically acting or reacting on them. Here is an exercise suggestion: The key is to observe thoughts with curiosity and without judgement, noticing how they feel as they enter and leave your mind. Make a mental note of whether the thoughts run fast or slow, what are the common themes, find out if they’re repetitive or different. As you do this, you can imagine a crystal clear stream. It’s autumn and tree leaves are falling. Imagine each leaf is a thought, and watch them fall, enter the stream, and be washed away until you can no longer see them. Learn to simply observe your thoughts with curiosity After the mindfulness exercise, you can also try to find out the intention behind those thoughts. Every emotion has a positive purpose, but sometimes our mind doesn’t allow us to see it, because it goes into rumination mode automatically. For example, anxious thoughts could signal a need for self-care and protection. Sadness can prompt us to adjust to new circumstances and develop new tools to thrive. Whenever negative thoughts make you feel anxious, find some quiet space to be present in the moment. You can sit or lie down in a comfortable position and focus on how your body feels against the floor or chair, taking your time to do a body scan from head to toe. If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge now. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren’t always a reflection of reality. “If brain chatter tries to intrude, be firm and say you are in charge. Remember: you are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren't always a reflection of reality.” Repeated mindfulness sessions can help you win the fight between a restless “monkey mind” and the logical or rational mind. Over time, you’ll notice how your power to deflect unwanted thoughts improves, and how the idea that you are not your thoughts becomes a reality. One last suggestion is to work on self-acceptance. It takes time to get hold of your thinking habits and to fully understand that you are not your thoughts, so don’t be too hard on yourself in you don’t get it right 100 per cent of the times. And don’t forget to look over previous blog posts, where we listed great mindfulness podcasts to keep you motivated or explored different ways of incorporating mindfulness into your daily life. Takeaway: you are not your thoughts Negative self-talk can make it hard to believe that you are not your thoughts, and mental noise can be draining. But as powerful beings, we have the resources to be in control and to stop letting our thoughts dictate how our mood and actions. Try the suggestions in this article, and if in doubt, remember: you are not your thoughts, you’re much more than that! • Main image: shutterstock/Dragana Gordic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Letting go | Acceptance | Self Care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

As dealing with hate speech and crime is becoming increasingly common, having the moral courage to confront it is more necessary than ever. Ed Gould suggests five ways to prepare yourself to speak out and stand up against hate crime. Do you have the feeling that hate is on the rise around the world? If you look at the number of cases of hate speech and crimes being reported, you may well be right. In the face of this unpleasant change in the political landscape, it's essential not to get caught up in hate and embrace positivity and happiness. But how do you take action without hating the haters or lowering yourself to their level of vitriol? Indeed, how do you do so without putting yourself and your loved ones in danger? Finding and showing so-called moral courage is one possibility. Moral courage involves exhibiting the braveness to take action for reasons of morality despite the risk of potentially negative consequences. It often involves challenging and tense situations which are upsetting. Fortunately, there are several lessons to be learned from history about standing up to hatred and the people that manipulate negativity for their own ends. Let's examine some of the key techniques you can use to help garner the sort of moral courage required while ensuring that you don't put yourself at risk. Moral courage: preparing yourself Many people are surprised when they first hear hate speech live and direct in the 'real' world (rather than on social media). They're usually not used to it and it can often cause well-meaning people to clam up in shock. Equally, if you're exposed to hate crime in the street, then you may understandably freeze in the horror of the moment. In order to overcome this normal human response, it's necessary to prepare yourself. Being mindful of all kinds of potential threats helps you to respond appropriately and support people in danger. This applies to hate speech and crime, too. By recognizing hatred for what it is, it becomes much easier to call it out. Stop hate: would you have the moral courage to speak out? Having the moral courage to stand up against hatred is frequently down to nothing more than having prepared and rehearsed in your own mind what you will say or do if you happen to face it. For example, think ahead about what you might say in response to typical scenarios, such as a racist comment made by a stranger or a derogatory, sexist term used by a colleague in the workplace. How moral courage benefits you and society Having the moral courage to speak up against hate crime and hate speech is about challenging such behaviour to stop it from becoming the norm. If you witness something that you feel is wrong and say or do nothing, then you might feel bad about it afterwards. Staying silent also means that others are less likely to find moral fortitude in themselves, too. Ultimately, this creates an atmosphere in society where hatred becomes normalised. In such environments, hate speech and crime only tend to get worse. In the end, we all suffer from tolerating it in this way. “Having the moral courage to confront hatred when it rears its ugly head means the perpetrators will think twice before saying and doing such things again.” On the other hand, having the moral courage to confront hatred when it rears its ugly head means that the perpetrators of it will think twice before saying and doing such things again. Furthermore, displaying moral courage encourages others to follow your stand too. Bystanders are more likely to join in and show their own moral courage if they see someone else doing it, a sort of 'strength in numbers' feeling. Every action taken against hate – no matter how small it may seem at the time – is a victory for a fair, inclusive and decent society. 5 ways to stand up against hate Feeling inspired? Want to be prepared for tough situations that require moral courage? Here are five steps you can take: 1. Learn about intervention training To protect someone who is experiencing a hate crime may require you to intervene on their behalf. There are a number of courses and workshops that teach people how to by effective as a bystander and to make safe interventions. In the UK, the University of the West of England have been in the forefront of such training. Meanwhile, in the US, courses like Green Dot and Step Up have led to a greater number of positive interventions that stand up to hate. Wherever you are in the world, consider trying out a course in intervention training. And if you can't find one near you, you can find a class online, too. RELATED: Six tips for speaking up against bad behaviour 2. Lead and others will follow There's little doubt that many people who tolerate hate speech would like someone to call it out. Perhaps they just lack the moral courage to do it for themselves. In any group situation, including social media, it's a well-established psychological concept that people 'fall into line' within groups. For example, if you speak up against a racist comment then others will probably back you up. Research from New York University has shown that people who use racist terms on social media refrain from doing it so often if someone in their circle stands up to them about it. Peace by piece: showing moral courage encourages others 3. Raise your profile Sometimes being an intervener against hate speech means going against the grain. It means feeling the pressure of a peer group and not to act. Train yourself to feel this natural anxiety and act in defiance of it anyway. To do so, it's a good idea to stand out from the crowd every now and then. Do so when it's safe. It will leave you better equipped to handle hatred when it turns up for real. Psychologist Lynne Henderson refers to this sort of preparation as social fitness. Her research suggests that practice and role-play helps you to draw on moral courage when you need it. 4. Seek help There's always a balance to be sought between rushing into an intervention and putting yourself in the firing line. According to Philip Zimbardo, psychologist and the founder of the Heroic Imagination Project, when a situation is potentially dangerous, calling the police or others nearby to help you do the right thing is the best course of action. “You can only be an effective social change agent if you understand when to act alone, as a member of a team, or not at all,” he says. “Speaking up against hate crime and speech is about challenging them from becoming the norm. If you say or do nothing, then you might feel bad about it.” 5. Take a second to really think Studies undertaken at Princeton University showed that people who were in a hurry were far less likely to stop and assist a stranger in distress. Furthermore, when several people witness a dire situation, each observer is less likely to help. This is called the 'bystander effect' in psychology. When you stop and think about it, you'll soon remind yourself that it's a normal human tendency to assume someone else will act. That simple pause for thought will allow you to overcome the 'bystander effect' and make the decision to be the one who acts. The takeaway: moral courage None of us possess unlimited amounts of moral courage, just as none of us have unlimited happiness. After all, we can all be cowed in certain situations. Nonetheless, self-preparation makes it more likely that you will respond to hatred in a way that successfully challenges it. This can help to make society less tolerant of it. Once you have built some confidence and learned some techniques that match your personal values, you will find it easier to put them into action again and again. ● Main image: shutterstock/CHAjAMP Have you ever witnessed a hate crime or another disturbing situation and used your moral courage to stand up for what you believe is right? The community would love to hear your story in the comments below... happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Assertiveness | Confidence | Courage | Empathy Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He is a practitioner of Reiki.

Accepting our mortality helps us let go of busyness and focus on what’s most important to us in order to live a happier, more meaningful life. By OLIVER BURKEMAN on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. The average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly finite. If you’re lucky and you live to 80, you will have lived about 4,000 weeks. This truth, which most of us ignore most of the time, is something to wrestle with if we want to spend our limited time on this earth well. Given that, it follows that time management, broadly defined, should be everyone’s chief concern. Yet the modern discipline of time management (or productivity) is depressingly narrow-minded, focused on devising the perfect morning routine or trying to crank through as many tasks as possible, while investing all your energy on reaching some later state of well-being and accomplishment. It ignores the fact that the world is bursting with wonder — and that experiencing more of that wonder may come at the cost of productivity. As a recovering “productivity geek,” I know how it feels to become swept up in the idea of discovering the perfect system of time management. But I was eventually forced to accept that my struggles to achieve a sense of perfect control or mastery of my time were counterproductive, leading not to a life of more meaning but one of more overwhelm and stress. I came to see that I needed to give up the quest for that kind of control, letting go of the impossible goal of becoming perfectly efficient and embracing my limitations instead, so as to make more time for what was really valuable. Part of that embrace of limitation involves facing the anxiety that comes with acknowledging mortality. When we recognize the shortness of life — and accept the fact that some things have to be left unaccomplished, whether we like it or not — we are freer to focus on what matters. Rather than succumbing to the mentality of “better, faster, more,” we can embrace being imperfect, and be happier for it. Here are 10 suggestions I make in my book, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, about how to live with your limited time in mind. 1. Adopt a “fixed volume” approach to productivity We all need to make tough choices about what we can realistically get done, so that we can prioritize the activities that matter most, instead of reacting to a constant barrage of demands. One way is to keep two to-do lists — one for everything on your plate, one for the 10 or fewer things that you’re currently working on. Fill up the 10 slots on the second list with items from the first, then set to work. The rule is not to move any further items from the first list onto the second until you’ve freed up a slot by finishing one of the 10 items. A related strategy is to set a pre-established time boundary for certain types of daily work — for example, to resolve to write from 8 to 11 a.m. — and to make sure you stop when time’s up. 2. Serialize Focus only on one big project at a time. Though it’s alluring to try to alleviate the anxiety of having too many responsibilities or ambitions by getting started on them all at once, you’ll make little progress that way. Multitasking rarely works well — and you’ll soon find that serializing helps you to complete more projects anyway, thereby helping relieve your anxiety. Forget multitasking: tackle one project at a time 3. Decide in advance what to fail at You’ll inevitably underachieve at something, simply because your time and energy are finite. But strategic underachievement — nominating in advance areas of your life in which you won’t expect excellence — helps you focus your time and energy more effectively. For example, you might decide in advance that it’s OK to have a cluttered kitchen while you finish your novel, or to do the bare minimum on a particular work project, so you can spend more time with your children. “When we recognize the shortness of life — and accept the fact that some things have to be left unaccomplished, whether we like it or not — we are freer to focus on what matters.” To live this way is to replace the high-pressure quest for work-life balance with something more reasonable: a deliberate kind of imbalance. 4. Focus on what you’ve already completed, not just what’s left to do Since the quest to get everything done is interminable by definition, it’s easy to grow despondent and self-reproachful when you can’t get through your whole to-do list. One counter-strategy is to keep a “done list,” which starts empty first thing in the morning, but which you can gradually fill in throughout the day as you get things done. It’s a cheering reminder that you could have spent the day doing nothing remotely constructive… yet you didn’t. 5. Consolidate your caring Social media is a giant machine for getting you to spend your time caring about the wrong things — and too many of them at once. We’re exposed to an unending stream of atrocities and injustices, each of which might have a legitimate claim on our time and our charitable donations, but which add up to something no human could ever effectively address comprehensively. Once you grasp that fact fully, it’s good to consciously pick your battles in charity, activism and politics — and devote your spare time only to those specific causes. Focus your capacity for care, so you don’t burn out. 6. Embrace boring and single-purpose technology Digital distractions allow us to escape to a realm where painful human limitations don’t seem to apply: scrolling idly around online, you need never feel bored or constrained in your freedom of action, which isn’t the case when it comes to doing work that matters. You can combat this by making your devices as boring as possible, removing social media apps and, if you dare, email. It’s also helpful to choose devices with only one purpose, such as the Kindle reader. Otherwise, temptations will be only a swipe away, and you’ll feel the urge to check your screens anytime you’re bored or facing a challenge in your work. 7. Seek out novelty in the mundane Time seems to speed up as we age, likely because our brains encode the passage of years based on how much information we process in any given interval. While children have many novel experiences and time therefore seems slower to them, the routinization of older people’s lives means that time seems to pass at an ever-increasing rate. RELATED: Mindful minutes - 10 small practices that make a big difference The standard advice is to combat this by cramming more novel experiences into your life. That can help, but it’s not always practical. An alternative is to pay more attention to every moment, however mundane — to find novelty by plunging more deeply into your present life. Try going on unplanned walks to see where they lead you, taking up drawing or birdwatching, or playing “I Spy” with a child — whatever draws your attention into the moment more fully. Spend more time on simple pleasures shutterstock/Just dance 8. Be a researcher in relationships The desire to feel in control of our limited time causes numerous problems in relationships, resulting not only in controlling behavior, but also commitment-phobia, the inability to listen, boredom, and missing out on the richness of communal experiences with others. “Pay more attention to every moment, however mundane — to find novelty by plunging more deeply into your present life.” When faced with a challenging or boring moment in a relationship, try being curious about the person you’re with, rather than controlling. Curiosity is a stance well-suited to the inherent unpredictability of life with others, because it can be satisfied by their behaving in ways you like or dislike — whereas if you demand a certain result instead, you’ll often be frustrated. 9. Cultivate instantaneous generosity Whenever a generous impulse arises in your mind, give in to it right away rather than putting it off. Don’t wait to figure out if the recipient deserves your generosity or if you really have the time to be generous right now (with all of the work you have left to do!). Just do it. The rewards are immediate, too, because generous action reliably makes you feel much happier. 10. Practise doing nothing When it comes to the challenge of using your 4,000 weeks well, the capacity to do nothing is indispensable, because if you can’t bear the discomfort of not acting, you’re far more likely to make poor choices with your time, such as attempting to hurry activities that can’t be rushed, or feeling you ought to spend every moment being “productive,” regardless of whether the tasks in question really matter. RELATED: How to practise Niksen – the art of doing nothing Doing nothing means resisting the urge to manipulate your experience or the people and things in the world around you, and to let things be as they are. You can try the “do-nothing” meditation, where you set a timer for 5-10 minutes and then try doing nothing; if you catch yourself doing something — thinking, say, or even just focusing on your breath — gently let go of doing it. As you keep letting go, you’ll increase your ability to do nothing, and gradually regain your autonomy. You’ll no longer be so motivated by the attempt to evade how reality feels here and now; instead, you’ll learn to calm down, and to make better choices with your brief allotment of life. • Main image: shutterstock/Syda Productions This essay is adapted from Four Thousand Weeks, published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux. Copyright © 2021. All rights reserved. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mindfulness | Gratitude | Friendship Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Trusting a partner, friends or even the public isn't easy for some of us. If you're worried you or someone you love has trust issues, psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the seven signs you need to look for and offers ideas on regaining trust and moving forward. When you trust someone, you are placing your confidence into their hands. It is a vital human experience. Relationships — and entire societies — are based on essential faith that we will not be harmed. However, confiding is not necessarily an easy thing to do. It is also not a given. Humans develop basic trust in the first months of their lives. It is maintained (or lost) during childhood and adolescence. Even as adults, we can acquire trust issues if we are exposed to severe betrayal. Sometimes, trust issues are so deeply ingrained into our psyche that we do not even recognise having them. But if you've ever asked yourself “Do I have trust issues?”, this article will explain what they are, what signs to look out for, and how to overcome those difficulties in trusting others. What are trust issues? Trust issues are, simply put, difficulties in relying on something or someone. In interpersonal relationships, when you trust someone, you feel that you can depend on them to do what they say they will. So, when you ask yourself: “Do I have trust issues?” elaborate and instead ask yourself: “Is it difficult for me to have faith that people will hold on to their word?” Reading a partner's text? Definitely trust issues! Interestingly, according to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary entry on trust: “the key factor is not the intrinsic honesty of the other people but their predictability.” In other words, to have faith does not mean to be surrounded by trustworthy, honest folks. It is about predicting how they will behave. This aspect of trust is an important point when you are dealing with your trust issues, and we will return to it later on. Now, if we said that basic trust in people is a vital human experience — how does it happen that some people end up with trust issues? (Why) do I have trust issues? Trust is a phenomenon that exists on a continuum. It is not warranted nor advisable to have faith in everyone and everything, of course. Some wariness is a natural, evolutionary response to the unpredictability of life. However, when you have trust issues, you simply cannot relax around people. You expect to be betrayed, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of — even by those closest to you. Such an unfounded and all-encompassing nature of the lack of trust is what qualifies it as a trust issue. How do issues around trust develop? No person is alike. Therefore, it is also not possible to state a single cause of trust issues. However, there are three main paths to understand their creation, founded in theory and empirical research. The first is Erik Erikson’s work on life cycles. According to this great psychologist, psychosocial development occurs in stages. Starting with the birth until about 18 months of age, infants either acquire or fail to attain basic trust. When the primary caregiver (usually the mother) is responsive, consistent, and reliable, a sense of confidence in others develops. A failure at this stage, conversely, results in mistrust that bleeds into every later relationship. “When you have trust issues, you simply cannot relax around people. You expect to be betrayed, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of — even by those closest to you.” Another theoretical explanation is the attachment and attachment styles proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, respectively. Attachment is formed during early childhood, based on the experience with the primary caregiver and other family members. These early interactions form a blueprint for our subsequent way of relating to others. Trust issues characterise insecure attachment. Finally, even if you were once a trusting person, a traumatic experience in adulthood could make you start distrusting others. Whether you were exposed to violence, psychological or sexual abuse, severe betrayal or disappointment, such experiences could leave a psychological scar and change you. Signs you may have trust issues As we suggested above, trust issues can be thoroughly hidden from your immediate awareness. They potentially developed when you were as young as a few months old. So, trust issues could feel like your part of your nature, not like 'issues' as such. They can be your defence mechanism — by definition, not conscious. So, if you still hear the voice in the back of your mind asking: “Do I have trust issues?” here are seven signs to look for which may suggest that you do. 1. Being overly suspicious of others’ good intentions Trust issues are equal to being excessively wary. Your mind is working under the assumption that people will harm you. Therefore, it might be difficult to accept kindness and gestures of affection for what they are. Your thoughts immediately search for the “real” reasons and ulterior motives behind such actions. 2. Turbulent relationships Trust also affects how couples communicate, as a study confirmed. When you doubt your partner’s intentions, you are likely to pick fights. When you argue, you focus on the negatives instead of your strengths as a couple. The history of your romantic relationships could reveal a pattern of dysfunction, drama, on-again-off-again kind of affairs. When you have trust issues, you could also be prone to developing psychologically unhealthy codependent relationships. People with trust issues often have turbulent relationships shutterstock/New Africa 3. A lack of profound closeness and openness Research has revealed that trust is tied to love and the intimacy of self-disclosure. The opposite is also true. It is only logical — when you expect people to betray you, you are unlikely to share information with them. You could be avoiding affection altogether. Nonetheless, mistrust robs you out of the opportunity to experience close, deep relationships. 4. All-round belief about people being deceptive Trust issues are usually most visible in romantic relationships. However, you might also have an overarching conviction that all people are dishonest and unreliable. Therefore, any social interaction is a cause for mistrust. For example, you buy your groceries and always double-check the change. Teamwork for you means expecting your coworkers to backstab you. In friendships, you are mostly secretive. Trust issues make you walk the world expecting to be double-crossed. 5. Inability to forgive and forget It might seem as if trust issues have kept you safe from harm. In reality, they have caused much more damage than good. Still, you feel that mistrust protects you. Such an impression is particularly likely if you developed trust issues after an adult traumatic experience. If you ever let someone get close to you, chances are, you will be overly sensitive to any hint of treachery. And, if they do end up hurting you, you probably would not be able to forgive and let it go. Indeed, forgiveness and trust are complexly intertwined. For those struggling with trusting people, granting forgiveness can be incredibly challenging. 6. Social isolation and loneliness According to one study, some people are highly motivated to acquire relationship-threatening information. They yearn to find out if others indirectly harmed them. Such individuals also exhibit paranoid thought patterns and act out their suspicion. However, no one likes that. As a result, others socially reject highly distrusting people because they anger them. Another study found that high mistrust leads to a greater chance of a break-up of romantic relationships in a matter of months. 7. Emotional disturbances According to Aaron Beck, a renowned psychiatrist and theoretician, depression goes hand-in-hand with a depressive cognitive triad. In its simplest, the triad means that people prone to depression will have negative beliefs about others and the world, their future, and themselves. “It might seem as if trust issues have kept you safe from harm. In reality, they have caused much more damage than good.” Trust issues make you wary of others and consider them corrupt. The future could look bleak when you expect to be lied to and taken advantage of. Finally, when you are lonely and often rejected for your mistrust, you could also see yourself as being faulty. Therefore, emotional disturbances, starting with depression, could come from your inability to trust others. Dealing with trust issues As explained, trust exists on a continuum. At this point, that means that some people will be able to overcome their trust issues with some soul-searching and support from friends or family. For others, contacting a psychotherapist or a counsellor might be necessary. What are the steps you can take on your own to deal with trust issues? Mostly, it is about changing your perspective and strengthening the ability to handle the uncertainty of relationships. Accept the risk. Let us eat the biggest frog first. Yes, there is a risk of you getting hurt. There always is. That does not mean you ought to live in hiding. An occasional bruise is a part of life. It would be best to learn to accept that such a possibility exists — and get comfortable with that. How? By knowing that you will survive any challenge thrown your way. And — by recognising that not every relationship comes with endless pain. Most people mean well and will treat you kindly. It is possible to overcome minor transgressions and grow as a couple and as individuals. Practise mindfulness. Mindfulness will help you focus on the 'now'. If you learn how to be mindful, you can overcome the ruminations about past hurts. They will not direct your present actions anymore. You will also develop the ability to handle anxieties about the horror scenarios you imagine may happen in the future. Develop coping skills. Do you remember the American Psychological Association’s definition of trust? The bit we said we would get back to later? Trust is not about the intrinsic honesty of others but their predictability. What this means is that in tackling trust issues, we are not to try and change others. Yes, some people will remain deceitful. Instead of trying to avoid betrayal, we need to become able to cope with it. Therefore, work on enhancing your self-confidence. Grow your coping skills. When you arm yourself with faith in your skills, you will be able to muddle through any disappointment from others. In effect, you will also liberate yourself from the constant fear of being let down. Takeaway: dealing with trust issues Perhaps you started reading this article with a question – “Do I have trust issues?” At this point, you might have a better idea if you do. But this is not enough. You ought to work on overcoming them. It will not be an easy road to travel. Trust issues grew in your mind to protect you from maltreatment. You feel that they have kept you safe. Yet, what they do is rob you out of your chances of a spontaneous, free life. You will miss out on everything a fulfilling relationship can give you — inspiration, support, joy, understanding. It is now within your reach to change that. Make the first steps towards a rewarding experience of letting others in. • Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

An often invisible illness, diagnosing quiet borderline personality disorder isn't easy. Luckily, the treatment for this condition can be, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains... I have known a few people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my life. I can say with certainty that they suffered — as did those close to them. However, thanks to the explosive nature of the disorder, however unpleasant it may be, BPD did not stay hidden. Some of them were diagnosed and received treatment. More importantly, they learned to understand the nature of their unpredictable emotions and reactions. I probably also know a few people with quiet borderline personality disorder (QBPD). Unfortunately, I cannot say that I know who they are. Are they aware that what they are going through is a disorder? Quite possibly not. Do their loved ones understand what is happening? They might not have a clue. That's because quiet borderline personality disorder is a difficult but often invisible ordeal. As this article will make clear, it bears the burden of the BPD. Still, it stays concealed — often even from the affected person themselves. Yet, the moment you understand QBPD and its manifestations, the path towards treatment opens. So, what is quiet borderline personality disorder? What is quiet borderline personality disorder and how is it diagnosed? Before we can hope to understand quiet borderline personality disorder, we need to grasp the concept of a personality disorder as such. Unlike some other mental disorders that come and go, personality disorders are usually enduring. One of the criteria for diagnosis states: “The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.” Personality disorders are pervasive, unchanging, and present at least from adolescence. They form an inner experience and behaviour pattern deviant from a person’s cultural norms. “A person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims hostility and anger at themselves. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others.” In other words, it seems to be the structure of the individual’s personality that is affected. A personality disorder is apparent throughout life and across different contexts. A person who is, for example, narcissistic will act that way at work, in love, with family and strangers. Those who know them will tell you that it is how they have been forever. What is borderline personality disorder? QBPD is a variation of BPD. Therefore, we need to be clear on what the disorder entails. Borderline personality disorder is a syndrome of disordered functioning in relationship to oneself and others. To meet the diagnostic criteria, the affected person has to manifest the following symptoms: Impairments in self-functioning. They can be unsure of who they are as a person. They might feel empty inside and succumb to excessive self-criticism. Sometimes, goals, aspirations and career plans are unstable. A person with BPD keeps changing their direction in life. Impairments in interpersonal functioning. They lack empathy or have severe problems in establishing meaningful close relationships. Being emotionally unstable, anxious, depressive, or fearing rejection and separation. Disinhibition, meaning that they are highly impulsive and often take excessive risks. Hostility, anger, and irritability. Subtypes of BPD The current classification of mental disorders does not divide the BPD into subtypes. Nonetheless, the official criteria could be combined differently. As a result, individuals with BPD are often very unalike. This is probably one of the reasons why borderline personality disorder has long been notoriously under-detected and misdiagnosed in clinical practice. Aiming hostility at oneself is a sign of QBPD shutterstock/airdone It is also why many popular psychology authors voiced their opinion about the subtypes of BPD. Some scholars and practitioners also argue that borderline personality disorder should be divided into three subtypes based on the dominant cognitive mechanisms in their foundations. A 2017 study determined three clusters of BPD patients with distinct profiles: Most patients were those with the “core BPD” features, that is, typical borderline personalities. A second “Extravert/externalising” subtype was characterised by high levels of histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial features. A third, smaller subtype had schizotypal and paranoid features — therefore, it is named “Schizotypal/paranoid”. Million and Davis have proposed, based on extensive professional expertise in the realm of personality disorders, that there are four subtypes of BPD: Discouraged or “quiet” borderline Impulsive borderline Petulant borderline Self-destructive borderline So, what are the symptoms of the quiet BPD subtype? Symptoms of QBPD Most professionals and laypeople would think of someone with BPD as an explosive, violent and hostile person. An unpredictable and impulsive human ticking bomb. However, it appears that there are those affected by the disorder whose suffering remains largely invisible. In quiet borderline personality disorder, all the symptoms of the BPD are directed inwards. According to Million and Davis, a person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims the borderline hostility and anger at oneself. They might act clingy and form codependent relationships. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others. However, they do not let it show. Their anger is more likely to be manifested as self-harm and suicide attempts than aggression towards others. Could you be living with QPBD? Here are some of the signs that suggest you could be living with quiet borderline personality disorder: You are very good at hiding your true emotions. You present a composed façade at all times. You might not even be able to recognise or describe your feelings correctly (alexithymia), so they fester inside. You are high-functioning and successful; a perfectionistic even. When emotional pain becomes too much to bear, you detach from the world and your inner experiences. You may feel like you were in a dream or a movie, unable to feel connected. You may be a people-pleaser. You need to be liked, and you yearn for appreciation from those you fall for. You experience bouts of anxiety at the slightest sign of disapproval. Your buttons are easily pushed around other people. You know that you are prone to feeling hurt, insulted or humiliated. To prevent it, you might prefer distancing yourself from others. You might be putting people into one of the two categories — they are either impeccable or atrocious. It is a mechanism called “splitting” or polarised thinking. You might be so profoundly afraid of being abandoned that you avoid getting close to others altogether. It protects you from hurt. You tend to feel irrational guilt and self-loathing. For this reason, you could be at risk of engaging in self-harming behaviour, including having suicidal thoughts. (If this is the case, please reach out to any local service or organisation that deals with mental health to help you get your way out of that dark path). Your priorities and interests change erratically. Your commitment changes on a day-to-day basis. Be it a project, a hobby, or a person, QBPD comes with a lack of consistency in dedication. You seem utterly devoted to something, only for it to fall into oblivion in the next moment. You crave control and order. Situations in which you do not know what to say or do make you feel uneasy. In effect, you are not living spontaneously. Where does the difference between the typical BPD and the quiet variant come from? One possible explanation is Lynch and colleagues’ work on undercontrol versus overcontrol in clinical settings. In short, the majority of those affected by BPD (the typical syndrome) are undercontrolled. They are impulsive, erratic and dysregulated. Nonetheless, some people are overcontrolled; meaning that they are reserved, hard to engage, seemingly emotionally flat. Yet, their inner world is as tempestuous as that of the undercontrolled individuals. Treatment for QBPD At this point, we return to the statement made in the introduction. Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help. They overcontrol. Why can't I make friends? How to help someone having a panic attack What is an introvert hangover? Nonetheless, even if it feels unnatural, if you recognise the symptoms mentioned above, it is vital for you to reach out. And if someone you know seems to be affected by QBPD, try pointing them out towards learning about the disorder and getting professional help to deal with it. “Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help.” Unfortunately, not enough is understood about QBPD to determine which psychotherapy modality would work best. The following approaches were scientifically explored and are used in clinical practice for the treatment of BPD. In addition to psychotherapy, medication is sometimes prescribed. 1. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) The basic principle of CBT is to work on modifying the thinking and behavioural patterns that are unhelpful and perpetuate the disorder. According to a systematic review of 45 studies, CBT is beneficial in treating personality disorders in general — and BPD in particular. The findings of another study confirmed that CBT could help decrease the symptoms, distress, anxiety, suicide ideation and dysfunctional beliefs typical of BPD. Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated 2. Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) DBT is one of the CBT modalities. It was developed specifically to treat BPD. In 2016 it was still the only empirically supported treatment for BPD. It targets the unstable sense of self, chaotic relationships, fear of abandonment, emotional lability and impulsivity (such as self-injurious behaviours). During the therapeutic process, the clients develop skills such as mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. 3. Radically Open Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (RO-DBT) The previous two modalities are implemented in treating BPD in general. The quiet variant could also benefit from them, given that the core issues are shared across the syndrome. However, RO-DBT was developed specifically for disorders of overcontrol. The authors designed it to address difficult-to-treat mental health conditions. And yes, QBPD is difficult to treat. The approach focuses on developing mental flexibility, openness, healthy emotional expression and social connectedness. Take control over your QBPD Living with a quiet borderline personality disorder is not an easy thing to do. BPD is known to cause severe problems in the person’s relationship with themselves and the world. When you keep all those BPD emotions and thoughts within, pushing through the day can sometimes feel like Sisyphus work. I will not pretend quiet borderline personality disorder will go away in the blink of an eye for the sake of pep talk. However, you can learn to develop a psychologically healthier way of being. Adequate support and treatment can teach you how to rebuild your view of the world. With a change in your mindset, you can nurture close relationships with others based on empathy and respect. Although every personality disorder is a persistent companion, it does not have to determine your future. All you need to do is take one simple step now. Open yourself up to a fuller and richer life. Reach out. • Main image: shutterstock/Olga W Boeva happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Showing someone 'tough love' means being firm with them in a way that should help their well-being. But does it actually work? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović examines the evidence... Does tough love work? When I think about this question, a close friend I grew up with since I was six comes to my mind. Her parents undertook this approach whenever she was underperforming or downright making trouble. Did it deliver results? Well, yes and no. I will speak about her in more detail to illustrate the general position of this article. And that is — tough love may work to deliver results in a specific situation. In the short run, it may seem as if it worked. However, it can also lead to many pitfalls. Indeed, exercising tough love is not to be taken lightly, as it may cause more harm than good. The outcomes of tough love: anecdotal evidence My friend from the introduction lived two stories above my apartment. We went to kindergarten, elementary and high school together. We remained in daily contact when we moved to different cities for college and visited each other often. We were best friends for almost 30 years. Therefore, I was a witness to her development until she was a mother herself. Although I cannot claim that I know which factors were crucial in making her the person she is today, one thing I can say — tough love was effective. Still, I believe the effects were both affirmative and harmful at the same time. At the end of one semester in high school, she, somewhat in rebellion, received “F”s for 80 per cent of her classes. When her parents found out, all hell broke loose. They forbid her from leaving the apartment for a month between the semesters. She was allowed to see only me and a classmate who was coming to study with her. They remained cold and distanced (although they did verbalise their best intentions) until she started receiving good grades again. Tough love is common in parenting And, yes, she did begin to receive good grades again. So, because of that, one might argue that the approach was fruitful. Yet, I also know that this enactment of tough love, like all the others, left her with a loss. She remained, to the day, riddled with an all-pervading feeling of solitude and fear of the world. She never felt entirely safe and unconditionally accepted by her parents. Let us not, nonetheless, stay in the realm of anecdotal evidence. What does science have to say about tough love and its effectiveness? What is tough love? According to Merriam-Webster, tough love is “love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behaviour”. It is believed that the term was first used in a 1968 book of the same title by Milliken and Meredith. Since then, tough love has become an everyday phrase as much as it is a psychological concept. The American Psychological Association clarify what tough love means in psychology: It is aimed at fostering individuals’ well-being It means requiring the person to act responsibly and seek professional assistance when they are experiencing problems The oversight and restrictions of personal freedom and privileges must be willingly accepted to be effective According to the same source, typically, families of adolescents or young adults with a prolonged history of substance abuse take on tough love to help them heal. However, tough love is the method of choice by some parents for any misbehaviour or irresponsible action. One example was that of my friend. I also know about cases in which parents engaged in tough love to attempt to teach the child to fix their own problems — such as not covering for them when they skip classes or letting them settle their disputes independently. Tough love happens in adult relationships as well. Apart from helping someone overcome addictions or other problem behaviour, tough love could be implemented in romance, friendships or at work, too. For example, when one of the partners or friends gets into the habit of being hurtful or disrespectful, the other might withhold affection to show them where the boundaries lie. A team member sometimes tends to tag along and then gather praise with the proactive colleagues. The coworkers could then implement tough love. They could let the inert member of the team feel the repercussions of their inaction — instead of doing their part of the work for them, as usual. The same goes for other groups and communities. A theoretical paper demonstrated that group members are willing to be critical and exhibit a form of tough love when they believe that doing so is in the interest of the collective. Does tough love work? Many a parent has weighed the use of tough love against the horrifying possibilities that might lie ahead on their child’s life path. Whenever we care for someone, not only as parents, the time may come when this approach crosses our mind. Sometimes, our loved ones are going down a path that is unquestionably bad for them. Tough love sounds like the only remaining rescue when they do not seem to respond to reasoning or pleas. Yet, responding to the question of whether such an approach works is not simple. Tough love: pros Advocates of the approach propose that social immobility is caused by parental indulgence, failure to set boundaries, moral laxity and disciplinary incompetence. In other words, a failure to implement some tough love might produce adults who are not equipped to move ahead in life. The general principles of tough love are in the roots of some recent social policy programmes and general stances in the third way of social work. They are also in the foundations of particular political strategies, justifying the use of force or punitive measures on some nations, such as the Western Balkans. Tough love: cons Empirical research seems to provide proof against the use of tough love. At least when it is not combined with other, positive means of directing a troubled person towards healing and improving. A systematic review of scientific literature evaluating compulsory drug treatment demonstrated that such approaches do not deliver the desired outcomes. In some instances, they directly cause harm instead of helping the clients. The use of physical punishment on children will make the child more aggressive and antisocial, with problems with developing an internal moral compass. The child could have a lower intellectual achievement because of such punishments and experience mental health problems — particularly depression. The quality of the parent-child relationship would probably be poor. Bootcamps for troubled teens, according to research, only result in increased chances of committing offenses later on. Solitary confinement in violent prison inmates does not decrease the possibility of future misconduct. The verdict So, what to think about tough love, then? Remember, tough love is a concept that comprises two elements — toughness but, most importantly, love. For it to work, in other words, it must be based on and guided by genuine care and affection. A study done on coaches of disadvantaged youth seems to confirm that. Less successful coaches would build a sense of family within the team but used very negative militaristic coaching strategies. Successful coaches, on the other hand, developed close relationships along with a positive team climate. They challenged players while being supportive and promoting their autonomy. “Empirical research seems to provide proof against the use of tough love. At least when it is not combined with other, positive means of directing a troubled person towards healing and improving.” In terms of helping adolescents with substance abuse, findings suggest that the programmes based on empathy and voluntary participation are much more effective. A multisystemic approach is more beneficial in troubled youth exhibiting violent, antisocial behaviours, delinquency, and emotional problems. It targets family relations and works to develop healthier, loving surroundings in which the troubled adolescent lives. Principles of exercising tough love The studies and academics’ works above have taught us that tough love needs to be exercised in a specific way to deliver results. Unless enacted correctly, it turns into punishment. It becomes a means of dividing people instead of bringing them closer. It might temporarily reduce the problem behaviour, but, in the long run, it will do no good. How can you show tough love to be sure it will help someone you love? Here are some basic principles to consider: Empathy, not sympathy Sympathy means having compassion for the suffering or sorrow of another. However, sympathy is largely based on our beliefs and projections of our own feelings and experiences. Instead of sympathy, give the troubled person your empathy. According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary, it means “understanding a person from his or her frame of reference rather than one’s own”. Therefore, when your close one suffers, try to understand their point of view. This will help you provide the kind of help they need — not the one YOU THINK they need. Boundaries If you are helping someone using tough love, you should be careful not to get into a rescuer mode. Also, you ought not to be the persecutor. So, no tolerating the harmful and unacceptable behaviour, but also no punishment and harshness. These are all games people play that offer only one role for the person you are trying to help — that of a victim. Remember the goal of the intervention. It is for them to become autonomous. They need to become able to take good care of themselves and others. Healthy boundaries are as important as they might be difficult to achieve. This is why you should not be afraid to ask for help. Establish tough love without hurting others shutterstock/Rido Ask for help Do not hesitate to reach out when your loved one is struggling. Trying to help someone who has behavioural problems, addictions, has emotional issues, or any other ailment can be too much of a challenge for one caring person. Ask for professional assistance in tackling the problem. Avoid the risks — for your loved one or yourself. Establishing tough love Toughness can be difficult for both the giver and the receiver. This is why you should not go into a tough-love intervention without a sort of roadmap. Feel free to write down what you aim to achieve and how you plan to do it. Revisit this note often to keep yourself and the process on track. Here are some ideas on what to include in your plan so that you can execute the principles and guidance you learned about in this article in practice: The aim — What is the goal of your actions? What are you hoping to achieve? The commitment —Are you devoted to executing it? The obstacles — What will be the biggest difficulties in executing tough love? How will you overcome them? The stakeholders — Who will be affected by this intervention? Who do you need to get directly involved in the process? The helpers — Who can help you to overcome the obstacles you listed above? Will you consult a professional? Will you involve friends and family members? The boundaries — where do the limits lie? What will you not tolerate? What line will you not cross or allow others to cross? How will you ensure that you do not cross anyone’s limits? Respect and care — How will you ensure that you express your love and care for the person you are helping? How will you respect their autonomy? How will you promote their self-care and self-sufficiency? The ending — When will the process end? How will you know that it is enough? How will you proceed afterwards? The takeaway: tough love Intuitively, many of us might agree with using tough love sometimes. Especially when one is a parent and has tried (and failed) to teach a child to be responsible by pampering them. In some situations, the only way to spark accountability and self-sufficiency seems to be a bit of tough love. Requiring someone to act maturely and take care of themselves (or seek professional help when they cannot do so) is, indeed, an act of care and love. However, as this article also showed – it is an instrument that tends to backfire. So, if you feel that your loved one would benefit from a bit of toughness, do not forget — the balance (and the key to making it work) lies in the other component of the concept. Love. Always act from the place of care and affection. Never sacrifice understanding and acceptance for harshness, even when it comes from your best intentions. • Main image: shutterstock/juninatt happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Self-help | Coaching | Kindness Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Is the intuitive thought process reliable, and can we quantify it? Sonia Vadlamani discusses forms of intuitive thinking and why implementing these can help us make better decisions. Perceiving an important lesson or a mysterious insight without any logical thought or reasoning being utilized –also known as intuitive thinking – has been prevalent in us humans since time immemorial. “There can be as much value in the blink of an eye as in months of rational analysis,” claims author Malcolm Gladwell. As a matter of fact, we often apply intuition alongside rationality, logical reasoning, and facts, while we are assessing a situation, even if we are unaware of it. What exactly is intuition? Intuition refers to responses or feelings that do not arise from deliberate reasoning or conscious thinking. The subconscious brain stores lessons and findings from our past experiences and attempts to recognize and retrieve these thought patterns in similar situations. These learnings are often lightning-fast and not logical at the outset but seem to occur from a deep-seated knowledge. “Intuition involves a sense of knowing without knowing how one knows,” states Dr Seymour Epstein, Professor Emeritus in Psychology at University of Massachusetts. Also known as a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘hunch’, intuition can play a crucial role in day-to-day choices as well as complex decisions, so that aunt with an uncanny foresight for predicting a tragedy or the friend who sometimes can spot incoming trouble when she meets your love interest, may in fact be relying on their intuition to make these decisions. RELATED: 7 ways to tap into your intuition Relying on intuition has saved me from physical harm and mental distress many a time. A few years ago I was returning with a group of friends from a road trip spanning several thousand miles. We debated whether to keep driving through the night to cover more distance, or to halt at an inn, so we’d be rested and refreshed when we started driving again in the morning. I usually rush through the return journey as I start missing home, but curiously my gut told me to avoid it this once. “Don’t drive tonight” was the specific answer I was hearing from within, and though surprised, I heeded it nevertheless. Intuitive thinking is our inner 'gut feeling' I didn’t quite understand the need to take a break in this manner, but somehow managed to convince my friends to do the same. In the morning, when we started driving afresh after a good night’s rest and a nourishing breakfast, we witnessed a massive accident on the bridge which was the only way out of the town. A sleep-deprived driver had tragically driven a bus off the bridge into the river the previous night, causing a traffic mayhem which had begun to clear only in the morning. If we had driven through the night, we’d be exactly there at the time of the accident. While we felt extremely sorry for those who’d been in the mishap, I was incredibly glad I listened to my inner voice. Intuitive thinking and cultures Interestingly, one’s tendency to trust their intuitive thought and the context it’s used for is warped in cultural and geographical influences. According to Gerd Gigerenzer, director at Max Planck Institute for Human Development, intuitive thinking is considered somewhat inferior to rational thinking and logical deduction in the North American and South Korean subcontinents. In contrast, a study by Emma E. Buchtel et al revealed that East Asians tend to favor intuitive reasoning more as compared to those from other regions in the world. In Japan, inner intuitive thought is encouraged as the primary reasoning method from a tender age and is honed with the guidance of masters. • JOIN US! Sign-up and connect with a caring, curious and spiritual community • Also, some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities which help build authentic self, like awareness, mindfulness, staying in the present moment and meditation practices, etc. is prioritized. Researchers claim that we begin to develop and utilize intuition as early as from the age of six, when we are still in the second stage of development, also known as the stage of concrete operations. According to the Truine Brain theory, intuition may arise from near the pineal gland situated in the prefrontal cortex area in the brain, which regulates our emotions or affective system, in addition to granting us lessons or insights with inputs from morality and intuition. “Some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities helping to build your authentic self.” Interestingly, while intuitive thought doesn’t really originate in the gut, the presence of a wide range of neurotransmitter microbes in the gut make it possible for us to register our emotional experiences in the form of gastrointestinal distress. This gut-brain connection enables us to often feel emotions like anger, fear and excitement, etc, in the stomach area, which is why we sometimes call intuitive thought as our “gut feeling”. The four types of intuitive thinking Researchers have theorized four kinds of intuitive thinking, each distinct and unique yet easily identifiable in most situations: 1. Mental intuitive thinking Mental intuitive thought suggests one’s ability to find the solution for a problem, without the need for deliberation or detailed analysis. This intuitive skill is commonly seen or ideal for professions which require quick decisions to be made, like firefighters, negotiation specialists, etc. In fact, the US Office of Naval Research devised an extensive study to investigate the scope of “spidey-sense” or mental intuitive thinking to enable naval officers to make quick and efficient decisions in high-pressure and chaotic circumstances. Likewise, seasoned stockbrokers and financial wizards value their mental intuitive abilities for recognizing favorable market patterns and making winning trading decisions, a skill they mostly attribute to years of experience and discipline. 2. Emotional intuitive thinking Emotional intuition refers to one’s ability to immediately sense someone’s emotional state and personality traits. Michelle Despres, Intuitive Medium therapist and the author of Intuitively You: Evolve Your Life and Mend the World, describes this feeling as “clairsentience” or the “Intuitive Act of Clear Sensing”. A keener emotional intuitive quotient could mean higher empathy levels towards others, which means that in addition to sensing one’s energy vibrations and understanding how they’re feeling, one can also view a situation from their perspective. Intuition relies more on the heart than the head shutterstock/BRO.vector 3. Psychic intuitive thinking Psychic intuitive thinking involves overcoming a problem during a crisis or choosing the best path forward in a difficult situation without putting any deliberate mental effort into it. Psychic intuitive thought can be useful for preventing negative influences, or in determining your social dynamics. 4. Spiritual intuitive thinking Spiritual intuition concerns one’s own self-awareness and experience rather than fact-based reasoning. This kind of intuition relates to one’s connection with the higher dimension and elevated awareness, and is closely related to the principles of Buddhism, which renders it an almost supernatural characteristic. “While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied.” Research states that encouraging intuitive thought and relying on it can lighten our overall cognitive load and reduce the response time, allowing us to make decisions swiftly and more accurately. While intuition facilitates survival by offering quick responses in a situation, it can rely heavily on “cultural capital” or learning inputs specific to our cultural, political, moral, and social landscape. Therefore, it is imperative to counter intuitive thought with rational inputs to avoid bias or inaccuracy in our decision-making process. With sufficient practice over time and by putting your trust in intuitive thought process, it is possible to tap into your intuition to improve your decision-making prowess as well as to boost creativity. Is intuitive thinking measurable? Intuition played an important role in cognition for the greatest philosophers like Plato and Aristotle. Plato believed that intuition, be it supernatural or rational, entails the immediate perception of ideas. Albert Einstein, one of the greatest physicists known to the world, has been quoted extensively as stating, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant.” Einstein maintained that his groundbreaking theory of relativity was a result of his intuitive thinking, even as it faced critical objection from the scientific community then. Despite extensive acceptance of the existence of intuition and its effect on decision-making, most researchers have largely been unable to quantify it. However, a recent study by Joel Pearson et al revealed that the impact of emotional intuition over one’s choices could be measured and quantified. Pearson concludes that intuitive thought or “nonconscious emotional information” can improve the quality of decision making, in addition to improving the speed of decision-making and accurate results. Takeaway: intuitive thinking Indeed, intuition is a complex phenomenon as it is embedded in knowledge and lessons drawn from past experience. While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it accurately. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied. When applied carefully in conjunction with logical reasoning, intuition can offer an extensive competitive edge for individuals, as well as organizations. • Main image: shutterstock/Max4e Photo happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Dream Interpretation | Positive Psychology | Breathwork Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.