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In unserer heutigen betriebsamen, lauten und verunsichernden Welt kann es schwierig sein, inneren (und äußeren) Frieden zu finden. Dee Marques betrachtet drei Schlüsseltechniken, die uns dabei helfen können, einschließlich Achtsamkeit, Schattenarbeit und dem Kultivieren von Gelassenheit. Es stimmt, dass die Geschichte der Menschheit von unschönen Ereignissen geprägt ist. Vielleicht teilst du auch das Gefühl, dass dieser Tage Konflikte, Hass und Gewalt noch zunehmen. Das Gefühl, nicht genau zu wissen, was in der Welt vorgeht, ist zutiefst verunsichernd und kann deine inneren Frieden, Ruhe und Glück gefährden. Es gibt jedoch Dinge, die du tun kannst, um diesen Gedanken und Gefühlen entgegen zu wirken. Hier sind einige Ideen, wie du deinen inneren Frieden – und den anderer – stärken kannst, egal wie unsicher die Welt um uns herum auch sein mag. Wir können wir inneren Frieden finden? Im Umgang mit Hass und Gewalt ist Achtsamkeit nötig, um den inneren Frieden zu stärken. Diese drei Schlüsseltechniken kannst du anwenden, um zu versuchen, innere Ruhe und Gelassenheit zu finden. Innere Ruhe durch Meditation finden 1. Achtsamkeit Unser erster Vorschlag ist, Achtsamkeit zu üben. Nicht nur, weil Mindfulness - wie Achtsamkeit auch genannt wird - dir die Möglichkeit bietet, dein innerstes Selbst zu erkennen, sondern auch, weil es die Wahrnehmung deiner Umwelt weiten kann. Tatsächlich haben wissenschaftliche Studien gezeigt, dass regelmäßige Achtsamkeitsübungen die Amygdala zu verkleinern scheint (den Teil des Gehirns, der Angstgefühle kontrolliert), während es gleichzeitig den präfrontalen Kortex aktiviert, der mit Entscheidungsfindung, Bewusstsein und damit bewussten Handlungen in Verbindung steht. All dies bedeutet, dass Achtsamkeit uns helfen kann, unsere Emotionen zu regulieren, statt einfach nur auf Auslöser zu reagieren. Durch Achtsamkeit kommen wir von reflexartigen Reaktionen zu überlegten Antworten. Mindfulness hilft uns auch dabei, ausgeglichenere Bewertungen darüber zu treffen, was um uns herum vorgeht. Entdecke einige großartige Achtsamkeitsübungen, um öfter im Hier und Jetzt zu leben. Achtsamkeitsübungen für den Alltag wie zum Beispiel achtsames Essen, Duschen, Spaziergänge bei denen du Dankbarkeit kultivierst und die Einführung eines Rituals zum Tagesbeginn. 2. Schattenarbeit Hast du mal versucht dich mit Schattenarbeit zu beschäftigen? Diese transformierende Methode basiert auf der Idee, dass unser Empfinden und Handeln gegenüber anderen davon bestimmt wird, was wir uns selbst gegenüber empfinden und wie wir uns selbst wahrnehmen. Der Schatten ist das “negative ich” oder “unsere dunkle Seite“. Anstatt uns auf diesen Schatten zu fokussieren oder ihn zu unterdrücken (wozu sich die meisten von uns verleitet fühlen) sollten wir ihn behutsam erforschen, um mehr über unsere eigenen Vorurteile und Fehlvorstellungen zu lernen. Wenn wir dunkle Gefühle annehmen, kann der Schatten unsere Lehrer*in sein, statt unser Feind. Wie sieht das Grundprinzip der Schattenarbeit aus? Erkenne die durch manche Menschen, Neuigkeiten oder Ereignisse ausgelösten negativen Gefühle. Stelle eine Verbindung mit deinem Schatten her und führe eine Unterhaltung mit ihm. Um was geht es deinem Schatten? Was versucht er zu erreichen? Ist die Gesamtintention positiv oder negativ? In den meisten Fällen hält dein Schatten an negativen Emotionen fest, um dich vor Schaden zu schützen. Kannst du eine andere Möglichkeit finden, das Gleiche zu erreichen, ohne in einen Kreislauf der Negativität zu geraten oder anderen die Schuld zu geben? Zu guter Letzt: Erinnere dich, dass Frieden kein Ziel ist, das durch bestimmte Mittel erreicht werden kann, sondern, dass Friede selbst sowohl das Mittel als auch das Ziel an sich ist. Anders ausgedrückt: Nutze Frieden, um dir durch Güte und Rücksichtnahme deinem Körper und Geist gegenüber selbst inneren Frieden zu bringen. Liebende-Güte-Meditation zum Beispiel reduziert erwiesenermaßen Selbstkritik, stärkt den Frieden mit uns selbst und anderen und erzeugt positive Gefühle fremden Menschen gegenüber. "Friede selbst ist sowohl der Weg als auch das Ziel an sich." Balance und Ausgeglichenheit hängen mit der inneren Ruhe direkt zusammen 3. Gelassenheit kultivieren Gelassenheit zu kultivieren kann dir ebenfalls helfen, sowohl inneren als auch Frieden mit der Außenwelt zu finden. Gelassenheit, eine der vier edlen Wahrheiten in der buddhistischen Tradition, leitet sich aus einem Wort im Sanskrit ab, das „Sehen ohne Störung“ bedeutet. Gelassenheit ist wird auch als Gleichmut bezeichnet, einer ausgeglichenen Reaktion auf positive und negative Ereignisse oder Gedanken. Es ist die Fähigkeit, einen Geisteszustand zu erreichen, der nicht von Voreingenommenheiten und Vorurteilen beeinflusst werden kann, sondern von Mitgefühl angetrieben wird. “Im Umgang mit Hass und Gewalt ist Achtsamkeit nötig, um den inneren Frieden zu stärken. Im Grunde genommen müssen wir zuerst die Innenwelt entwaffnen, bevor wir die Außenwelt entwaffnen können.“ Gelassenheit zu kultivieren schließt eine Neuverknüpfung deines Gehirns durch Achtsamkeitsübungen ein. Yoga (z.B. Hartha Yoga, Yin Yoga und insbesondere spezielles Dankbarkeitsyoga) bietet die idealen Bedingungen, daran zu arbeiten. Hier ein Beispiel: Finde dein Gelassenheitsmantra (etwas, dass dich daran erinnert, unvoreingenommen zu bleiben), beginne deine Yoga Session und nimm jede negative Reaktion zur Kenntnis, die durch Gedanken oder fürü dich schwierige Personen ausgelöst wird. Halte weiter an deinem Mantra fest, während du akzeptierst, dass du selbst für deine eigene Zufriedenheit und inneren Frieden verantwortlich bist. Frieden in der Außenwelt finden Natürlich sollten wir alle unser Bestes tun, nicht nur inneren Frieden in unserem Geist zu fördern, sondern auch die Aussage des buddhistischen Lehrers und Aktivisten Thich Nhat Hanh befolgen: “Lerne die Kunst, eine Person glücklich zu machen und du wirst lernen, deine Liebe für die gesamte Menschheit und alle Lebewesen auszudrücken.” Hier sind 10 einfach anzuwendende Gesten des Friedens und der Güte: Schicke einer Freund*in oder Verwandten eine von Herzen kommende Karte. Mach einer Kolleg*in ein Kompliment und zeige ihr, wie sehr du sie schätzt. Biete deiner Postbot*in eine kleine Aufmerksamkeit an (z.B.Früchte, Kekse). Spende an einen Wohltätigkeitsladen. Sich ehrenamtlich zu betätigen ist wichtig. Versuche es bei einer Obdachlosenunterkunft oder einer Suppenküche. Biete der Person hinter dir in einer Warteschlange deinen Platz an (oder versuche dich an einer anderen beliebigen Nettigkeit). Mach deiner Lehrer*in oder Universitätsdozent*in ausfindig und schicke ihnen eine Nachricht der Anerkennung ihrer Arbeit und deren Bedeutung für dich. Backe einige Süßigkeiten und nimm sie mit auf die Arbeit, um sie mit deinen Kolleg*innen zu teilen. Lass einen anderen Autofahrende vor. Beginne eine Unterhaltung mit einem obdachlosen Menschen. "Das Ziel ist, Frieden zu spüren, ohne sich friedlich zu fühlen“: Ein Interview über Achtsamkeit mit MBSR-Coach Dave Potter Wenn es darum geht, inneren Frieden in schweren Zeiten zu finden, ist es wichtig, der Isolation zu widerstehen, sogar wenn es unseren Urinstinkten zu widersprechen scheint. Du könntest dich zum Beispiel an gemeinschaftsfördernden Initiativen beteiligen. Dies kann helfen, bedeutsame Konversationen mit Andersdenkenden zu etablieren. Auch kannst du dich einem Verein anschließen, der sich dem Kampf gegen Gewalt verschrieben hat, oder versuchen, besser zu verstehen, wie uns Vorurteile und Stereotype beeinflussen. Dazu kannst du dich online oder in deiner Gegend zu Workshops oder Seminaren gegen Vorurteile anmelden. Zu innerem Frieden finden wir auch durch die Verbundenheit und das Engagement in der Gruppe Fazit zum Finden inneren Friedens Güte und Frieden in dir selbst und der Welt wirst du nicht über Nacht finden, jedoch sind Achtsamkeitsübungen, Schattenarbeit, das Kultivieren von Gelassenheit und der Widerstand gegen Isolation Wegbereiter für Hoffnung und Glück. Um dich in den schweren Zeiten, in denen wir zurzeit leben, zurecht zu finden, wirst du hartnäckig und bereit sein müssen, dein inneres Selbst herauszufordern. Bilder: Johannes Plenio, Katie Jowett, Susanna Marsiglia, Nadin Mario Übersetzt von Friederike Jackmuth Friederike Jackmuth ist 28 Jahre alt und kommt aus Koblenz. Sie ist Autistin, staatlich geprüfte Übersetzerin und übersetzt für das deutsche happiness Magazin seit Anfang 2021 Artikel. Den Ausgangsartikel "Inner peace: the 3 key techniques to finding it" sowie die entsprechenden Quellenangaben findet ihr im englischen happiness Magazin.

Being a perfectionist may make you ambitious, but does the constant striving for excellence make you feel good about yourself? Sonia Vadlamani explores how the notion of ‘perfect’ is unrealistic, and how to embracing imperfections allows us to lead an authentic, content life. Each one of us probably has a personality trait or a physical feature that doesn't sit well with us. You may always find yourself inadequately prepared for the big interview, you may feel you’re too curvy to carry off that ‘gram-worthy dress, or you may feel your shyness makes you miss out on the opportunity to strike up interesting conversations. Seem relatable? Social media spouts perfectionism as an ideal state and our rising social presence may make us believe that we need to be always at our best. By definition, perfectionism is a personality feature that requires one to be or appear perfect, for their own selves or to be perceived by others. It can be identified by the need to set unrealistic expectations, strict self-evaluation, denial regarding one’s flaws in personality or appearance, and an overpowering desire to leave no scope for errors or failure. • JOIN US! Sign-up to get support from our caring community • Indeed, researcher Karen Horney described perfectionism more simplistically as ‘the tyranny of the should’s’, referring to how it tends to make one extremely critical of their own performance or abilities. The perilous side of perfectionism At the outset, perfectionism is seen as a positive – even desirable – trait that can result in growth and success in personal and professional areas. However, there’s more to it than meets the eye – science shows that perfectionism gives rise to stress, anxiety and depression. Furthermore, socially prescribed and self-oriented kinds of perfectionism can even result in self-harm. Embrace your imperfections as your uniqueness Being a writer, I understand the perils of constantly chasing perfection. I recognize the pattern now: I’d start by opening multiple tabs containing seemingly crucial bits of information and research, which I felt absolutely needed to be included in an article. Then I’d proceed towards creating a comprehensive article on the subject, entirely ignoring the assigned word-limit and the specific outline I needed to adhere to. Halfway through, I’d notice that the article just can’t be an all-encompassing guide, so I’d procrastinate and avoid writing altogether, only to ultimately feel like an imposter. It took utmost dedication on my part to draw awareness towards this problematic routine, until it became clear to me that I was stuck in a perfectionism trap. Over time I trained my subconscious mind to not procrastinate endlessly in the desire for a written piece that’s perfect to the tee. Instead, I eased my standards to fit the client’s requirements and feedback, rather than resorting to my preconceived ideas of perfection. “The first step towards embracing imperfections is to be mindful and shift your perspective regarding how you perceive yourself.” Perfectionism can have detrimental effects on developmental outcomes in individuals of all age groups, warns Katie Rasmussen, a child development and perfection researcher. “As many as two out of five kids and adolescents exhibit the traits of perfectionism”, she says, emphasizing how prevalent the phenomenon currently is in our society. In fact, the idea that sublime excellence and perfection will lead us towards success and happiness might be ingrained into our minds from a young age, and hence letting go of this tendency requires determination and persistence. 6 steps for embracing imperfections “Perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified”, says Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the bestselling book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. Accepting our fears, flaws and insecurities as we pursue our dreams can help us carve out an accomplished and meaningful life. Here are six steps you can take towards embracing imperfections and even celebrating them. 1. Find the positive side in your flaws The first step towards embracing imperfections is to be mindful and shift your perspective regarding how you perceive yourself. Stop viewing yourself as insufficient or lacking in certain areas, and start seeing yourself as a whole being, albeit flawed. Moreover, upon reflection you may find that your flaws or imperfections offer you a unique edge. For example, my obsession with writing a perfectly researched article made me aware of my tendency to procrastinate if I don’t find the final written piece to be up to my standards. So, now I try to focus on the task at hand by being mindful, while reaffirming to self that I author good-quality work, else I wouldn’t have had long-term clients. Learning to view your flaws as your strength can be a gradual process, but you’ll be able to see yourself in a better perspective by developing self-validation. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • David Richo, renowned psychotherapist, and author of Wholeness & Holiness recommends including affirmations in one’s daily routine that pertain to letting go of notions of perfection. To begin embracing imperfections, try telling yourself, “I let go of my need to be in control” and “I let go of my need to be correct, first and perfect all the time.” RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness 2. Realize that your imperfections make you human Imperfections give you character and make you authentic. Whenever you find yourself getting swayed anew by the portrayal of someone who’s perfectly put-together and efficient, try imagining that individual in your daily life. You may be surprised by the revelation that their flawlessness might begin to annoy or bore you in no time. Most of us try to erase our peculiarities and hide quirks rather than accept them as a vital part of our personalities in the quest for perfection. In reality, your sense of being flawed or imperfect may be stemming from self-perception that may highlight only one facet of your personality. Indeed, you may be completely unaware about how your so-called flaws may offer a sense of wholeness to your persona in the eyes of others. Embracing imperfections by practising self-acceptance allows you to let go of need to conform to the unrealistic standards you set for yourself, to be free to lead a meaningful life. Love your flaws: imperfections make you human shutterstock/Koldunov 3. Take inspiration from art Letting go of notions of inadequacy or imperfection does not come easy. Which is why we can take inspiration from the art forms around the world, and creators who wished to glorify the transient and erroneous nature of humans. The concept of ‘perfectly imperfect’ has been propagated in cultures across the world, wherein mistakes are deliberately introduced in artistic works. Turkish carpet weavers leave unidentical patterns in painstakingly handwoven rugs, whereas Indian sculpturers put small dents or slightly misshapen features, all with the belief that true perfection is solely the privilege of the Creator. And the traditional Japanese art of Wabi-Sabi is centered around the philosophy of beauty comprising of impermanence and imperfection, which is why potters consciously introduce asymmetry and unidentical patterns in their works. Kintsugi or the ‘art of golden joinery’ involves mending cracks in pottery with brushed gold instead of hiding them, thus coaxing us to spot beauty in unexpected places by embracing imperfections. RELATED: Why we make art 4. Focus on flow state instead of perfection We often mistakenly assume that perfection is a prerequisite for fulfilment of goals. Indeed, goals help us move forward, but they shouldn’t serve as impediments that remind us of what we lack. A Harvard Business Review study concluded that while perfectionism can improve performance, it can also result in elevated stress levels and anxiety as perfectionists often latch their self-worth to their ability to perform perfectly. “Embracing imperfections by practising self-acceptance allows you to let go of the need to conform to the unrealistic standards you set for yourself.” Thus, perfection need not be a grueling punishment or an obsessive behavior that makes us rigid, thus devoid of fluidity or expression. Instead, we need to accept our flaws and endeavor to fulfill our goals while still feeling great about ourselves. Setting SMART goals and developing your own flow state or rhythm to achieve these goals can ensure greater success, without the need for you to fall into the perfection trap. 5. Surround yourself with positive voices The company we keep and the people we interact with can affect our thought processes and decisions, and hence it’s advisable to surround ourselves with positive minded people who truly accept us with our flaws and shortcomings. Find forums and groups with like-minded individuals, make it a habit to listen to inspiring podcasts, follow bloggers or websites which keep you bustling forward with accountability, without having to resort to the trappings of perfectionism. RELATED: Happiness podcasts – 8 that we rate 6. Use your imperfections to help others "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places", noted Ernest Hemingway, the renowned novelist. Once you realize that brushing your insecurities aside and accepting your true self makes you authentic, you can help others understand this as well. Reveling in your vulnerabilities and continuing to put your best work forward by embracing imperfections can inspire several others who feel impaired by their imperfections. Our random acts of kindness benefit us as well. Reaching out to others who may be struggling with accepting their flaws and sharing your experience with them will also help reinforce your learnings towards embracing imperfections. Round-up: embrace your imperfection It’s important to understand that your flaws and imperfections make you real. Indeed, some of these flaws you may be able to rectify to fulfil your vision or to evolve into a better version of yourself, while some shortcomings are meant to remain a part of you forever. Embracing imperfections is key to leading an authentic and fulfilling life. • Main image: shutterstock/Nat Ulrich happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Life purpose | Motivation | Positive psychology Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Hier erfährst du, wie du jeden Tag Selbstfürsorge betreiben kannst, um glücklicher zu sein. Das Thema Selbstfürsorge hat in den letzten Jahren immer mehr an Beliebtheit gewonnen. Fast jeder, der auf seine Gesundheit achtet und ein Leben in Balance führen will, interessiert sich früher oder später auch für die besten Selbstfürsorge Tipps. Doch was ist Selbstfürsorge überhaupt, was bringt sie dir und wie kannst du sie in deinen Alltag integrieren? Alle Antworten auf diese Fragen findest du in diesem Beitrag. Viel Spaß beim Lesen! Was bedeutet Selbstfürsorge genau? Selbstfürsorge bedeutet im Prinzip genau das, was die einzelnen Wortbestandteile nahelegen: Wir sollten für uns selbst sorgen. Statt dass wir uns ständig um andere kümmern und darauf achten, es allen recht zumachen, richten wir mithilfe der 10 besten Selbstfürsorge Tipps fortan den Blick auf uns. Das bedeutet zum einen, dass wir unsere körperlichen Bedürfnisse stillen, zum anderen, dass wir uns um ein ausgeglichenes Gemüt und innere Erfüllung bemühen. Auf diese Weise soll Selbstfürsorge dazu beitragen, dass wir möglichst bis ins hohe Alter glücklich, fit und gesund bleiben. Damit du genau weißt, was du ab sofort selbst deine Selbstfürsorge tun kannst, findest du nachstehend nun die 10 besten Selbstfürsorge Tipps zum Ausprobieren. Die besten Selbstfürsorge Tipps für deinen Alltag 1. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Sei freundlich zu dir selbst Es klingt paradox, doch die meisten von uns reden mit sich selbst nicht einmal annähernd so freundlich wie mit anderen. Nimm dir einmal einen Tag bewusst vor, auf deine Gedanken und deine Selbstgespräche zu achten. Du wirst überrascht sein, wie oft du dich selbst kritisierst oder etwas Negatives zu dir sagst! Immer, wenn du dich dabei erwischst, sagst du dir ab sofort laut innerlich „Stopp“ und formulierst das Gedachte in etwas Positives um oder widmest deine Aufmerksamkeit etwas anderem. Durch Meditation und Achtsamkeit kannst du diese Fähigkeit bewusst trainieren, die deiner (negativen) Gedanken bewusst werden und dich von ihnen nicht mehr so oft mitreißen lassen. Allein das kann einen enormen Unterschied machen – probiere es einmal aus! Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Genügend Schlaf - Wer entspannt ist schläft leichter und wer besser schläft ist leichter entspannt. 2. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Genügend Schlaf Auch wenn es sich langweilig anhört, ist ausreichend Schlaf unverzichtbar für eine gute Selbstfürsorge. Finde heraus, wie viel Schlaf pro Nacht du brauchst (das variiert in der Regel zwischen sechs und acht Stunden), und versuche, einen entsprechenden Rhythmus in deinen Alltag zu integrieren. Gehst du zum Beispiel ab sofort jeden Abend um 22 Uhr ins Bett und stehst um 6 Uhr wieder auf, kannst du nach 8 Stunden gut erholt aus dem Bett steigen und deinen Tag voller Elan beginnen. 3. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Regelmäßige Ruhepausen Gleiches gilt für Ruhepausen: Achte darauf, selbst im stressigsten Alltag nach spätestens zwei Stunden eine kleine Pause einzulegen. Mach etwas ganz anderes als das, was du vorher getan hast, schüttele dich einmal von Kopf bis Fuß durch und lass deinen Blick schweifen – gleich fühlst du dich wieder frischer und bist bereit für deine nächste Aufgabe! Auch auf Stress bei der Arbeit sollte geachtet werden und wenn nötig bewusst entgegen gesteuert. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Gesundes Ernährung - leckeres, liebevoll zubereitetes Essen ist eine Wohltat für Körper und Geist 4. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Gesunde Ernährung Eine gesunde Ernährung ist das A und O für ein gesundes Leben, das gilt auch im Zusammenhang mit Self-Care. Reduziere am besten noch heute deinen Koffein-, Alkohol- und Zuckerkonsum und trinke stattdessen jeden Tag 1,5 bis 2 Liter Wasser, ungesüßten Tee oder Saftschorle, setze auf eine ausgewogene Ernährung mit viel frischem Obst und Gemüse und lass Süßigkeiten, Fast Food und auch Nikotin immer häufiger außen vor. 5. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Bewegung und Sport Auch Bewegung und Sport kommt im Rahmen der 10 besten Selbstfürsorge Tipps ein wichtiger Stellenwert zu. Ideal ist es, wenn du jeden Tag eine kleine Bewegungseinheit in deinen Alltag einbaust. Fang zum Beispiel direkt morgens nach dem Aufstehen mit einem kleinen Workout an, drehe in der Mittagspause eine Runde an der frischen Luft oder verabrede dich nach der Arbeit mit einer Freundin zum Spazierengehen. Du wirst sehen, dass regelmäßige Bewegung dir auf ganzer Linie richtig gut tut! Ein Tagebuch zur täglichen Reflexion und eine entspannende Tasse Tee in Ruhe genießen 6. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: bewusste Entspannung durch Meditation Statt nur den Blick nach außen zu lenken, ist es für eine gute Selbstfürsorge auch sehr wichtig, ins Innere zu schauen und die Gedanken zur Ruhe kommen zu lassen. Nichts eignet sich dafür besser als eine entspannende Meditation! Plane am besten abends vor dem Schlafengehen oder morgens nach dem Aufwachen einen Timeslot von fünf bis 30 Minuten ein, setze dich ruhig hin, richte den Blick nach innen und lass deine Gedanken einfach vorbeiziehen. Wenn du (noch) nichts damit anfangen kannst, lade dir einfach eine entsprechende App herunter und lass dich anleiten – mit ein bisschen Übung wirst du schon bald zum Entspannungsprofi! 7. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Abgrenzung üben Es klingt so einfach, im wahren Leben fällt es aber gar nicht immer so leicht, sich von anderen abzugrenzen. Der 7. Selbstfürsorge Tipp lautet daher, dass du dich jeden Tag in Abgrenzung übst. Dir erzählt jemand eine traurige Geschichte? Nimm Anteil, aber nimm dir nichts davon an – es ist nicht deine Geschichte. Deine Freundin geht jeden Tag zweimal joggen und abends noch ins Fitnessstudio, ernährt sich super gesund und sieht aus wie ein Supermodel? Wenn dieser Lebensstil nichts für dich ist, freu dich einfach für sie und finde stattdessen heraus, was dir selbst gut tut und Spaß bereitet! Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Statt sich unterhalten zu lassen am Abend einem entspannenden Hobby nachgehen wie Basteln, Stricken, Modellieren, Schnitzen - Dabei kommt der Geist zu Ruhe 8. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Keine Aufregung am Abend Im modernen Alltag sind wir gewöhnt, ständig unsere E-Mails zu checken, Nachrichten auf dem Handy zu lesen und durch diverse Social Media Feeds zu scrollen. Fakt ist jedoch, dass wir uns dadurch permanent wechselnden Reizen aussetzen, uns mit anderen vergleichen und von teils schockierenden News mitreißen lassen. Das kann ganz schön stressen! Im Rahmen deiner Self-Care solltest du deshalb ab sofort spätestens eine Stunde vor dem Schlafengehen dein Handy weglegen, den Fernseher ausschalten und zur Ruhe kommen. Auch aufwühlende Gespräche sollten abends tabu sein. Du wirst feststellen, dass sich die Ruhe positiv auf deine Schlafqualität auswirkt! 9. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Probiere etwas Neues Hast du schon einmal ausprobiert, dir mit der anderen Hand die Zähne zu putzen oder zu schreiben? Bist du schon mal einen anderen Weg nach Hause gegangen als den gewohnten? Hast du schon einmal mit Absicht ein Outfit getragen, das du normalerweise niemals so kombiniert hättest? Was es auch ist, das dich aus dem Alltagstrott herausreißt: Mach es! Mit jeder noch so kleinen Abwechslung forderst du dein Gehirn heraus und bringst etwas Neues in dein Leben, das deinen gewohnten Alltag ein wenig durchrüttelt – Glücksgefühle sind dabei gewissermaßen vorprogrammiert! Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Etwas Neues ausprobieren heißt nicht gleich Bungee Jumping probieren zu müssen. Gemeinsam ein neues Rezept probieren gehört auch dazu. 10. Selbstfürsorge Tipp: Bleib dir selbst treu Der 10. und mitunter wichtigste Selbstfürsorge Tipp zielt darauf, dass du dir selbst treu bleibst. Das heißt, dass du immer das tun solltest, was sich für dich gut anfühlt, und nicht das, was andere von dir erwarten. Auch wenn du dadurch öfter Nein zu anderen sagst, ist das völlig okay – ein Nein zu anderen ist in der Regel ein klares Ja zu dir selbst. Frage dich also jeden Tag aufs Neue: Was will ich? Was möchte ich erreichen? Wofür stehe ich heute ein? Und dann geh los dafür, egal, was andere sagen! Selbstfürsorge ist eine tägliche Übung. Wer es schafft aus dem ewigen Grübeln über Vergangenes oder über die Zukunft zurück ins Hier und Jetzt zu kommen hat den ersten und wichtigsten Schritt bereits getan. Nur in jetzigen Moment können wir wirklich etwas Gutes für uns selbst und damit auch andere tun. Photos: by Fauzan Ardhi, Brooke Lark, Priscilla Du Preez, Devin Phaly, Philipp Lublasser, Jimmy Dean

A new book explains how feeling awestruck can make you happier, healthier and more connected. By TEJA PATTABHIRAMAN on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. What is awe? We have all experienced it, even if we didn’t know what to call it. Whether we’re overlooking a beautiful view after a challenging hike or watching a new leaf grow on the plant we’ve been nurturing in lockdown, the feeling we get in that moment — amazed, inspired, transported — is what researchers call awe. In his new book, Awestruck, psychologist Jonah Paquette explains the process underlying the experience of awe and uncovers both its complexity and its value to our well-being. Walking readers through various scientific findings, he shows that awe helps improve our relationships, decrease our stress, and make us happier. By illustrating awe’s many benefits, Paquette gives us a reason to seek more awe experiences in our lives — and then shows us how to do it. How we experience awe An awe experience, as Paquette defines it, involves two primary components: encountering “vastness” and experiencing transcendence. Vastness happens when we come across a view (like a spectacular sunset) or concept (such as the existence of black holes) that is too incredible to fit into our current worldview, forcing us to expand our understanding of what is possible. Transcendence happens when we take in this new, awe-striking idea or image in front of us and try to make sense of it. Not only is awe a pleasant feeling akin to wonder, it also helps us to experience a different relationship with the world around us, says Paquette. When we are overcome with awe, he explains, we often experience a “small self” — the sense of our ego becoming smaller, and our needs, hopes and purpose more integrated with the people and environment surrounding us. RELATED: 8 reasons why awe makes your life better “Awe blurs the line between the self and the world around us, diminishes the ego, and links us to the greater forces that surround us in the world and the larger universe,” he writes. In that way, awe can serve a dual purpose, improving our well-being while bringing us together. The benefits of awe Like many positive emotions, awe can make us feel good. But awe goes beyond that, helping us to connect with others. Here are some of the main benefits of awe, as recounted by Paquette. 1. Awe decreases stress levels Awe has been shown to reduce stress levels in both the short term and the long term. In one study described in the book, researchers examined the impact of an awe experience on stress levels among both urban high school students and war veterans. Participants taken on a one-day river rafting trip had reduced levels of stress and symptoms of PTSD that were maintained weeks later. Critically, it wasn’t just spending time outdoors that seemed to lead to reduced symptoms, but nature’s specific ability to induce a sense of awe. The evidence supporting the link between spending time outdoors, experiencing awe, and lower stress levels “has become so persuasive that many physicians have begun to ‘prescribe’ time spent in nature or in green spaces, the way one might typically prescribe a new medication,” says Paquette. Awe decreases stress levels shutterstock/Zack C 2. Awe increases generosity and kindness In a study conducted at UC Berkeley, researchers had students spend a minute either gazing up in the middle of the campus’s eucalyptus grove or staring at a drab science building. When a “stranger” (actually, someone working for the researchers) walked by and “accidentally” dropped a box of pens, participants who experienced awe by gazing up at the trees were more likely to help the stranger collect the pens. Later, the same participants also scored lower on entitlement and demonstrated a higher degree of ethical decision-making. RELATED: Gazing at the stars – replacing your worries with wonder Other studies have also found a link between awe and generosity and kindness. Paquette suggests that these studies help explain why awe evolved: feeling awe makes us more willing to help those in need, and in turn increases our sense of connection to others. At a community level, looking out for everyone and placing collective needs above our own gives us a greater chance of survival. “By enabling us to feel connected to each other, form alliances, act generously, and explore new possibilities, it stands to reason that the story of humans would not be possible without awe,” he writes. 3. Awe makes us happier and more satisfied with life Paquette points readers toward numerous studies that demonstrate how awe can impact our mood. In one study conducted a few years ago, participants were shown a slideshow of either commonplace nature scenes (like an oak tree) or awe-inspiring nature scenes (like the Grand Canyon) and were asked questions regarding their mood both before and after the slideshow. Both groups showed improvements in mood, but those who watched the awe-inspiring slideshow reported a far greater improvement. “Not only is awe a pleasant feeling akin to wonder, it also helps us to experience a different relationship with the world around us.” While awe can make us happy in the short term, research has shown that this benefit lasts, too. In a study from UC Berkeley, researchers had participants track their mood and awe experiences over several weeks. They found that people experienced awe two times per week, on average, and that having awe experiences led them to have greater well-being and life satisfaction even weeks later. These are only a few among multiple studies that, according to Paquette, confirm our intuition: awe makes us feel good. By reducing stress, increasing generosity and improving our life satisfaction, awe really is good for us. How to experience awe in everyday life Given that awe has these benefits, says Paquette, we should try to experience it more in our everyday lives. Though many of us may only associate awe with special vacations or occasions — like graduation ceremonies or visits to the Grand Canyon — he describes numerous ways we can incorporate awe into daily routines (and help intensify the experience, too). Linger. When you catch yourself in awe, Paquette recommends sitting with that feeling for as long as possible. Though you may be tempted to move quickly onto the next thing, such as taking a photo or responding to a notification, try pausing first to soak in the surroundings for a bit longer. Soak up feelings of awe in nature Slow down. Create space for awe to emerge in the mundane. While you water your plants, tenderly check for new leaves and buds. While eating, consider the time and energy that went into the food in front of you. By slowing down and appreciating the patience and effort involved in habitual processes, Paquette assures us, we will find ourselves awe-inspired. RELATED: Mindful behaviour – 13 practical mindfulness tools Appreciate your senses. Tune in deeply to your awareness of color, texture, scent and sound. What do you hear? What do you see? While on a walk, stretching, or taking deep breaths, Paquette recommends we allow ourselves to sink into the senses that connect us to the world, and be in awe of what we find. Unplug. While many of us are dependent on technology for work or for communicating with others, it’s good to intentionally step away from the screen and give yourself the opportunity to connect with yourself. Somewhat counterintuitively, technology can make us feel more isolated and lonely by pulling us away from the present moment, Paquette explains. He suggests ditching the phone and taking a walk, visiting a park, or making a meal, all without taking a photo or sharing it on social media. “By reducing stress, increasing generosity and improving our life satisfaction, awe really is good for us.” Awe walks. Numerous studies have shown that spending time in nature lowers stress and improves our physical and mental health by decreasing blood pressure, enhancing focus, and strengthening our immune system. Experiencing awe is actually one of the main factors that make nature so powerful. Try taking an awe walk, intentionally seeking to be awed by your surroundings. RELATED: Connecting with nature Awe journaling. Paquette urges us to think back to our most awe-inspiring vacations, events and moments and take the time to document them. Where were you? Who was there? How did you feel? This simple practice may decrease your sense of time pressure, and make you more generous, as well. Why we need awe more than ever Paquette wrote this book before the pandemic started, but it seems more relevant than ever. As we approach the one-year mark of pandemic restrictions and the emotional strain they have come with, the tried-and-true ways to take care of our mental well-being, such as calling a friend, exercising, and meditating, can sometimes feel stale. Seeking awe is a unique way to reduce stress while simultaneously finding happiness and connection during this period. As Paquette helps us see, it doesn’t take much to experience awe. Just taking a walk in our neighborhood and observing our surroundings with intention can leave us awestruck and in a better state of mind. And, given how hard this time has been, we could all use a bit more of that. • Main image: shutterstock/Alxcrs happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Meditation | Volunteering Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

In today's noisy and unsettling world, in can be difficult to find inner peace and tranquility. Dee Marques explores the three key techniques that can help: mindfulness, shadow work and cultivating equanimity. It’s true that human history has always been marked by unsavoury events, but perhaps you share the feeling that these days, conflict, hatred, and violence suddenly seem to be all around us. Feeling you don’t really know what’s happening to the world is deeply unsettling and can threaten your inner peace and happiness. Yet, there are things you can do to counteract these emotions. Here are some ideas on how you can promote inner peace within yourself – and with others – regardless of how uncertain the world around us may be. Finding inner peace When dealing with hatred and violence, finding ways to promote inner peace requires mindful action. Here are the three key techniques you can use to try and find that inner calm and quiet. 1. Mindfulness Our first suggestion is to practise mindfulness. Not just because of its ability to transform your inner self, but because it can change your perception of the world, too. Indeed, scientific studies have shown that regular mindfulness practice appears to shrink the amygdala (the part of the brain that controls feelings of fear), while at the same time activating the pre-frontal cortex, which is associated with decision-making and awareness. All this means that mindfulness can help us regulate our emotions instead of simply reacting to triggers. It also helps us make more balanced judgements about what’s going on around us, as well as inside us. Discover some great mindfulness tips, such as mindful eating and drinking, gratitude walks and creating a start-of-the-day ritual. Finding inner peace through gratitude walks 2. Shadow work When it comes to finding inner peace and calm, our second suggestion is to engage in shadow work. This transformational practice is based on the idea that our feelings and perceptions about ourselves dominate the way we feel and act towards others. The shadow is the “negative you” or “your dark side”. With shadow work, instead of pushing it to the back of your mind or repressing it (as most of us feel tempted to do), you should explore it. This helps you to learn more about your own prejudices and misconceptions. The basic outline of shadow work looks like this: Acknowledge the negative emotions triggered by some people, news or events. Connect with your shadow and establish a conversation with it. What is it trying to achieve? Is its overall intention positive or negative? In most cases, your shadow holds on to negative emotions to protect you from harm. Can you find other ways of achieving the same without getting caught in a negative circle or without blaming others? Last but not least, remember that peace is not a goal that can be reached through certain mediums, but rather peace is the medium itself. In other words, use peace to bring inner peace by showing kindness and consideration towards your body and mind. For example, loving-kindness meditation has been proven to reduce self-criticism, promote peace with ourselves and others, and generate positive feelings towards strangers. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Loving kindness meditation for inner peace YouTube/LovingKindnessMeditation 3. Cultivating equanimity Cultivating equanimity can also help you to find inner peace and also peace with the outside world. Equanimity is one of the Four Sublime States in the Buddhist tradition, and the word derives from Sanskrit expression that means “to see without interference”. Equanimity is also defined as even-mindedness, a balanced reaction to both positive and negative events or thoughts, and the ability to achieve a state of mind that cannot be affected by bias and prejudice, but that's driven by compassion instead. “Finding ways to promote peace requires mindful action. Basically, you’ll need to disarm the inner world first in order to disarm the outer world.” Cultivating equanimity involves re-wiring your brain through conscious practise. Yoga (especially gratitude yoga) provides the ideal conditions to work on this. Find your equanimity mantra (something that reminds you of the need to stay unbiased), start your yoga session, and take note of any negative reactions triggered by thoughts or people you dislike. Keep referring to your equanimity mantra while acknowledging that you are responsible for your own happiness and peace of mind. Finding peace in the outside world Of course, we should all do our best not only to promote inner peace in our minds, but also in the outside world. To do that, you don’t need to make grand gestures. As Buddhist author and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Learn the art of making one person happy, and you will learn to express your love for the whole of humanity and all beings.” So, here are 10 easy-to-put-into-action gestures of peace and kindness: Send a heart-felt handwritten card to a friend or relative Compliment a colleague and express how much you appreciate them Offer a small gift (e.g. fruit, biscuits) to the person who delivers your post Donate to a charity shop Volunteering is important. Try it at a shelter or soup kitchen Offer your place in the queue to the person behind you (or try another random act of kindness) Track down an old teacher or lecturer, and send them a note of appreciation Bake some treats and take them to work to share with colleagues Let another driver into your lane Strike up a conversation with a homeless person Meditation can help you to cultivate inner peace shuttertsock/Jack Frog When it comes to finding inner peace and calm in troubled times, it’s important to resist isolation, even if this seems to go against our most basic instincts. For example, you could get involved in community-building initiatives, as this can help establish meaningful conversations with those who hold different views. You can also join non-violence organizations, or learn more about how prejudice and stereotypes affect us by signing up to prejudice reduction workshops or seminars in your local area or online. Conclusions: finding inner peace Finding kindness and peace within yourself and in the world won’t happen overnight, but mindfulness practise, shadow work, cultivating equanimity, and resisting isolation are within the path to hope and joy. To cope with the troubled times we're currently living in, you’ll need to be persistent and willing to challenge your inner self. ● Main image: shutterstock/marvent happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | | Meditation | Volunteering Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Failure to self-validate can lead to problems such as impulsive behaviour and the inability to manage emotional responses. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores why many of us fail at self-validation and offers five ways to develop the skills to do it successfully. Most of us are great at validating others. We acknowledge their emotions, recognize effort and success, and support individualism and self-expression. However, the majority of us are equally lousy at self-validation. We all get angry, disappointed, sad, jealous, scared, demotivated. Ideally, one would accept and be able to regulate these emotions. Instead, many people immediately think: “I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m being ridiculous!” As a result, coping with different experiences becomes exceptionally challenging. Reactions seem to be out of control. If you struggle with similar issues, you probably haven’t mastered the art of self-validation. The ability (or inability) to validate ourselves intertwines with much of what we go through in life. In this article, we'll give you five ways to develop self-validation so you can get to grips with this essential skill. Why self-validation is essential In simple terms, self-validation is accepting your own internal experience: your thoughts and feelings. Validation and self-validation are widely acknowledged problems in psychology, philosophy and sociology. The roots of the problem of self-validation lie in the vital human need to be recognized and supported. • INTERESTED IN SELF-GROWTH? Sign-up for free courses in our happiness Academy • According to Iser’s work in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, recognition has critical psychological importance. Others’ feedback is essential for one’s practical identity to form. We could also touch upon Hegel’s concept of ‘struggle for recognition’. In its simplest, it points us towards understanding the source of our need to be validated. When we are misrecognized by others, our relationship with ourselves is hindered or even destroyed. Self-validation is accepting your thoughts and feelings shutterstock/G-Stock Studio Such strength of humans’ need to be validated by others led many thinkers to voice the significance of self-validation. Rare is a psychologist or a philosopher that would dispute the ultimate value of autonomy and authenticity. The independence that comes with the capacity to be one’s own judge could be expressed with a quote by Fromm: “Obedience to my own reason or conviction (autonomous obedience) is not an act of submission but one of affirmation. My conviction and my judgment, if authentically mine, are part of me. If I follow them rather than the judgment of others, I am being myself.” - Erich Fromm, On Disobedience Real-life outcomes of lacking self-validation skills In slightly more practical terms, the inability to self-validate could lead to a range of adverse outcomes: Negating your thoughts and emotions could lead to a paradoxical effect in which you are even more affected by them, as research has demonstrated. When you deny and suppress your inner experiences, you lose control over them. You could think of it as an instruction to not think about a pink elephant. Your cognition still rests on the negated content. You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life because a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation. You could be more prone to risky behaviours, addictions, eating disorders, to name a few. Your interpersonal skills could also suffer, leading to a range of other problems in your career or relationships. Your love life and friendships could be chaotic, codependent and intensely challenging for everyone involved. “You could face many adversities in your personal and professional life as a lack of self-validation can cause impulsive behaviour and emotional dysregulation.” Finally, you might be vulnerable to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, PTSD and other emotional disturbances. When you cannot validate yourself, you are driven to maladaptive coping. This, however, eventually leads you far away from well-being and mental health. Why do we have a hard time to self-validate? There is no definitive response to the question above. A few things could have happened. Attachment style If the inborn need to be safe, cared for, and recognized was unfulfilled, we might have become unable to self-validate. For example, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. How your parents interacted with you as a child serves as a blueprint for your adult relationships. You might not have learned to be self-sufficient and recognize your worth. As children, we need adequate support from our caregivers to develop a sense of security about our emotions, decisions and actions. Research reveals that people with an anxious attachment style have a strong need for social approval. In other words, they need others to validate them. Modelling Another option was that your caregivers did not make it possible for you to mimic self-validation. When we are children, we acquire many traits and habits by modelling. If your primary attachment figure invalidated themselves, you probably learned to do the same. Research shows that emotional and behavioural self-validation and self-regulation are skills that are transferred from a parent to a child. Adult trauma You might have also started doubting yourself due to a traumatic experience at any point in your life. Both anecdotal reports and scientific studies confirm that being a victim of abuse, for example, could make you doubt your self-efficacy and self-worth. Most importantly, your readiness to accept, experience and address your emotions could have been disturbed. When one is in an abusive relationship, they gradually lose their sovereignty. Self-validation becomes a distant memory. Five ways to develop self-validation Although the potential outcomes of a lack of self-validation sound rather bleak, you should not feel discouraged: it is a skill that can be developed. Even if your early experience geared you towards invalidating yourself, you now have the opportunity to change that. Here are five tips to develop self-validation. 1. Practise mindfulness Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen, to validate them. Being present is the first level of validation. This means acknowledging your inner experience without avoidance or distraction. Mindfulness will help you regain grasp over your emotions and build up strength to cope with them. • FIND YOUR TRIBE! Join our curious and caring community and make new friends • Evidence from fMRI studies supports this argument. Individuals who were grieving a loss of a loved one were taught mindfulness techniques for eight weeks. When they were tested afterwards, their scores revealed a significantly better ability to regulate emotions. They also had fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and grief. fMRI suggested that the participants learned to gain cognitive control over their feelings. They were no longer overwhelmed by them. 2. Be brutally honest with yourself Being imperfect stings, we know. Accepting imperfection is exceptionally difficult for most people. Especially so if they were taught that being great at something equals being worthy. If your parents and social environment were too demanding, it might have resulted in unhealthy perfectionism. Such a form of perfectionism has adverse effects on mental health, as confirmed in empirical research. If your sense of self-worth is equated to being flawless, you might have a tough time even noticing (let alone accepting) your blemishes. Nonetheless, when you want to learn the art of self-validation, you need to be brutally frank with yourself. Notice the emotions and thoughts you don’t feel proud of. Admit to yourself your shortcomings. Own up to your genuine reactions and experiences. Yes, there will be many unpleasant facts. It’s alright – no one is watching. It's possible to develop self-validation skills shutterstock/Prostock-studio 3. Develop your emotional intelligence Although there are a few relevant emotional intelligence (EI) models, Goleman’s work is among the most popular ones. He proposes that EI consists of five constructs: self-awareness, self-regulation, social skill (being able to get along with others), empathy and motivation. You can notice how EI is necessary for your ability to self-validate. With EI comes the ability to reflect on your experiences and emotions. Luckily, EI is a skill that can be learned. Therefore, to master self-validation, start developing your EI. When you can accurately name what you are feeling, you can then start to acknowledge and accept your emotional response. As a result, you will build healthy relationships with others without needing their recognition to feel good or motivated. You will build emotional autonomy. 4. Connect with your body’s responses Some people have grown so detached from their inner world that they need to tap into their bodily reactions first. In this regard, some elements of body-centred psychotherapies could be used. According to this group of approaches to psychotherapy, the body is not just something we have. We are our bodies. “Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. You cannot validate what you don’t recognize. You need to develop a non-judgmental awareness of your experiences, as they happen and when they happen.” This means we live as a whole, as an inseparable totality of body and mind. When we learn to validate who we are and what we experience, we should include our body’s responses into the equation. Where are your emotions? What does your body do when you feel in a certain way? How does it respond to people and events? What is it trying to tell you about yourself? You could try a body awareness meditation to help you get started. A combination of body awareness with mindfulness and accurate, honest reflection we suggested above will help you develop a sense of being rooted inside of your own experience. 5. Self-validate by acknowledging your past experiences The final piece of advice in developing self-validation skills is to learn to validate yourself by acknowledging your past experiences. They fused within yourself and made you into who you are now. You now need to practice recognizing both positive and adverse experiences – and their consequences. How will this help you practise self-validation? Let us say that you had an intense reaction to your partner’s criticism of something you did. Try not to think: “You acted like a cuckoo there!” You could self-validate this reaction by saying: “It’s understandable that you felt this way. Your mother/father would punish you harshly for failures, and you are still overly sensitive to criticism”. Use meditation to connect with body's responses shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk Such a validation does not mean that you condone erratic behaviour. It means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You also name the emotion and understand its cause. These are the first steps to get into a self-validating mindset. Additionally, these are the first steps towards growing as a person. These five steps build up towards self-validation development as taught in dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). According to DBT, there are three steps to validate yourself and your emotions – acknowledge, accept and understand. This worksheet could help you practice self-validation in everyday situations, as well as with more intense or past emotions. Self-validate to autonomy Self-validation is freedom. Freedom to experience life as it is (yes, the ugliness, too). It gives you self-determination in picking your path. You get to do it independently of others’ influence, be it conscious or subconscious. When you learn to rely on yourself for validation, you gain the liberty to be genuine and own your experiences. Therefore, in the spirit of autonomy that we are propagating here, we invite you – acknowledge yourself and allow your authentic Self to exist! • Main image: shutterstock/Victoria Chadinova happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) methods help you to spot and change negative thought patterns, assumptions and processes. Try these four NLP techniques from Dee Marques to reframe how you think and embrace feeling more positively about yourself. Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is often used to improve interpersonal dynamics. It also has applications in personal growth and development. Several NLP techniques can help you live a more enjoyable and meaningful life. Indeed, NLP underscores the importance of mastering higher self-awareness methods to spot patterns, thoughts, and assumptions that can be preventing you from finding happiness in your life. Here are four valuable NLP techniques that you can use and the science behind them. 1. Anchoring Anchoring is one of the most common NLP techniques. The goal of this method is to elicit positive responses at will by associating a particular mental and emotional state to an anchor. This anchor is set by you and can be an image, a word or a gesture. Anchoring improves our ability to control emotions and to take an active role in self-management. It enables us to be less prone to feeling powerless and overwhelmed. How to use the anchoring NLP technique: Elicit a time when you experienced the intense positive feeling you want to trigger in other situations (e.g. feeling achievement the moment you got a promotion). Bring in sensory cues associated with that state (e.g. what you saw, felt, smelt, heard). Bring the memory to its most intense point and then associate your feelings to an anchor (e.g. twist a ring on your finger, pinch your earlobe). Take a short break and repeat the steps above. Test the anchor (e.g. pinch your earlobe) to elicit the intense feeling of achievement. NLP techniques reframe negative thoughts into positive ones shutterstock/Odua Images You can then use the anchoring method whenever you need an emotional pick-me-up, either on its own or alongside the other neuro-linguistic programming techniques outlined below. Anchoring is based on the psychological concept of conditioning, whereby a stimulus triggers certain responses. Anchoring helps you elicit the response you want through repetition. It benefits you by putting you in charge of your emotions. Moreover, some studies suggest that when coupled with other techniques and interventions, anchoring can even work to help overcome phobias and irrational fears. 2. Reframing Next on the list of NLP techniques is 'reframing', or viewing adverse events from a different 'frame'. This NLP method allows you to open up your mind to opportunities that may be lying ahead instead of dwelling on the negatives. In short, reframing changes the focus from negative and overpowered to positive and empowered. How to reframe a thought, feeling or behaviour: Identify the thought, feeling or behaviour you want to change. Establish contact with the innermost part of yourself that is triggering the negative mood. This could be an image, voice, an expression, etc. Find the positive intention behind that part. Let's say you have a fear of flying. The sound of a plane's engine taking off triggers anxiety because it wants to protect you. This intention is good, but the response is inadequate. Focusing on the positive intention, try two or three ways of responding that will help you realise such intention. For example, acknowledge the protection and self-preservation, which is why you choose the safest way of travelling (flying vs. driving). Ensure your subconscious is fully committed to trying alternative responses, and that it won't sabotage your reframing efforts. Check for conflicting beliefs, and if you find yourself making excuses, go back to the previous step and find alternative ways of responding. Reframing is used as a therapeutic technique for its ability to modify perceptions. Different parts of the brain trigger memories and emotions: memories are stored in the hippocampus, whereas the amygdala mainly controls emotions. “Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) improves interpersonal dynamics. NLP techniques can help you to live a more enjoyable and meaningful life.” When recalling past events, the amygdala responds by triggering an emotion that replicates the original one. However, reframing reminds us that the nature of that emotion isn't fixed and that we can break automatic patterns and prioritise rational responses over knee-jerk reactions. Indeed, reframing is a NLP technique that proves it's possible to break free from the so-called amygdala hijack. RELATED: Changing perspective 3. Meta-modelling Meta-modelling is one of the most powerful NLP techniques. It gives you the ability to help identify self-imposed constraints that may be preventing you from finding happiness and questioning them. The easiest way to meta-model is by looking at the language you use in everyday life, paying attention to these three types of patterns: Generalisations Evidenced in thoughts along the lines of, “I'm always so unlucky” or “all men/women are the same.” Distortions Mind reading (e.g. “John didn't greet me today, he must be upset with me”) or cause-effect statements (e.g. “if I don't lose weight, I will feel like a failure”). Deletions aka cherry-picking your understanding of reality to confirm pre-existing beliefs. For instance, someone with poor self-esteem would ignore compliments and pay undue attention to critiques, leading to thoughts like “people don't find me attractive.” How to use the meta modelling LNP technique Identify which category your thoughts belong to, then start the exploratory process of questioning the negative thought pattern. For example, if you catch yourself in a deletion like “people don't find me attractive”, meta-modelling questions to ask would be, “which people specifically?” and “how exactly do you know that?”. • JOIN US! Sign-up to get support from our caring community • The chances are that your answers will include a generalised statement with the words “always” or “never”. Then it's time to ask yourself whether you are realistic by claiming that things are always this way and never that way. When meta-modelling, it's also useful to ask about alternative courses of action. For example, in the statement “if I don't lose weight, I'll feel like a failure”, ask yourself whether feeling like a failure is your only option. Use these NLP techniques to change negative thoughts into positive ones Meta-modelling works because it forces you to challenge ingrained response patterns that can evolve into what psychologists call excessive avoidance behaviour. This is unhelpful because it limits your ability to learn from new experiences. The effectiveness of this technique is also linked to pattern separation. When faced with a new situation, we tend to compare with previous ones, but if pattern separation is active, you will understand that different scenarios require different responses. RELATED: The amazing effects of MBSR – backed up by science Meta-modelling can prompt you to develop healthy habits such as listening to yourself and challenging limiting thoughts. This can help you become more resilient to cognitive distortions, and more skilled at challenging deep fears, lessening anxiety and tension. 4. The Swish Method This is one of the NLP techniques that emphasize the severely limiting effect of negative thoughts. The goal of the Swish method is to identify mental and emotional triggers of negativity and replace them with an ideal response. When using the Swish technique, you don't have to take any action, but become aware of the alternatives available. You thereby train your brain to set off a “happier mode” whenever negative thoughts and emotions begin to overpower you. How to use the Swish NLP technique: Identify the feeling that triggers anxiety. Example: you may be anxious about exam performance even though you've done your best to prepare for it. In this case, the trigger feeling would be nervousness. Next, know how your mind and body react to such feelings (e.g. nail biting, knots in the stomach, etc.) Create a visual image of the context in which this happens (e.g. as you walk into the exam room). Think about how you would ideally like to respond as you physically enter the context in which the negative thoughts take place (e.g. confident, well-prepared, optimistic, etc.). This is called the replacement thought. In your mind, visualize the negative state and figuratively place the replacement thought over it. Make sure it appears bigger, stronger, and more vibrant, while making the negative emotion appear in black and white or blurry. Regular practise is essential for NLP techniques shutterstock/Shift Drive As it happens with all the other NLP techniques for happiness, you need to practise the Swish Method a few times to ensure the replacement thought becomes the default response. So, do it at least five times and speed up the visualization with each round. To check for effectiveness, evoke the trigger thought/feeling and its context, and see how you feel about it. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • This NLP method is a visualization technique driven by the principle that seeing is believing. In fact, research studies have shown that the brain does not differentiate between real and visualized events, as they both activate the same parts of the brain. “Meta-modelling is a powerful NLP technique that can help you to identify self-imposed constraints that may be preventing you from finding happiness.” Other studies have shown that the type of mental rehearsal involved in visualization has a direct effect on fundamental cognitive skills, including memory, attention, and perception. The benefits of mastering this technique include improved emotional performance and a calm and confident approach knowing that you don't need to let negative thoughts dominate your life. Summary: NLP techniques Neuro-linguistic programming can help you tap into the resources and skills needed to you train your brain and take control of thoughts and beliefs, facilitating the achievement of a fulfilling life. Anchoring, reframing, meta-modelling and the Swish Method are four key NLP techniques for happiness and personal empowerment that are worth putting in practice. ● Main image: shutterstock/Roman Samborskyi happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Self care | Neuroscience | Positive psychology Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Confidence is a powerful quality that sometimes slips away from us. But you can rebuild and strengthen it confidence with meditation. Ann Vrlak offers up a meditative practice that you can incorporate into your daily life to build resolution, courage and faith in yourself. Confidence is a quality that pretty much everyone admires and most of us would like to have just a bit more of. It’s a powerful quality that we all define a little differently based on our values and personal history. I’ll talk later about how knowing your definition can help you be more confident. Here are a few of my ideas about what confidence is and why it’s such a great quality to nurture. When you’re confident, you have a simple, unshakeable trust in yourself. You know who you are, what your talents and gifts are, as well as the places you may still want to grow. You know you can handle whatever comes your way, either the expected or the unexpected. You’re not even troubled by what others might think of you because you know yourself. It’s not as if you feel invincible or nothing can hurt you. But you have learned through experience that you’ve made it through challenging situations – some big ones and lots of everyday ones. You know how to problem solve, handle a difficult emotion, resolve a conflict with someone close to you, or take time for healing. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it? What can you do when you’re confident? First of all, real confidence doesn't mean having a big ego. When you have real confidence, you don’t need to prove anything to yourself or to anyone else. Build confidence through meditation practice shutterstock/Krakenimages.com When you’re confident, other people can feel it. They may not even know why they like you and feel calm around you. You’ll feel like a stable rock in a river: solid and present while events happen all around you. Maybe you already know someone like that. Furthermore, you’re more open and perceptive. You’re not spending energy on self-doubt or wondering what other people might think of you. You’re paying attention to what’s happening and how to respond in a genuine, clear and caring way. What builds confidence? So, how do you build or strengthen your confidence? It happens in two ways: Through responding skillfully to internal and external experiences of different kinds By finding a place of strength at the centre of your being You learn how to respond to the internal experiences we all have: thoughts, physical pain, worries, emotions, stress. And you learn to do the same with external experiences: conflicts with others, financial pressures, challenges at school. How do you learn this? Through practise. You watch for ways to practise confidence: over and over in day-to-day life and through practising meditation for confidence. “Real confidence doesn't mean having a big ego. When you have real confidence, you don’t need to prove anything to yourself or to anyone else.” I’m going to show you a specific meditation for confidence practice. However, any traditional meditation practice can build your confidence: by teaching you, step by step, to meet every inner and outer experience with kindness and curiosity and, in doing this, discovering an unshakeable centre inside you. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt As you practise these skills, on the quiet of your meditation seat, you’ll automatically see how your confidence with external events changes. You’ll gradually shift from tensing or withdrawing from discomfort, to being more open and curious – and confident. Meditation increases curiosity and confidence shutterstock/New Africa It’s helpful to know that meditation is a life practice that, at first, goes against the grain. When something feels uncomfortable, inside or outside of us, we’re biologically wired to get away from it. It’s a smart and functional survival tool! Most of us have developed a whole range of ways to “get away,” by binge watching media, eating, drinking and other distractions. You might feel temporarily better because you avoided the discomfort. But, you haven’t learned how to handle it any better the next time. And, not only that, you reinforce the belief that you can’t handle it and your confidence takes a dive. Meditation for confidence practice Would you like to try a meditation for confidence practice? Most people find this one really enjoyable, myself included! It’s based on creating a strong visualization of yourself in a confident state. It has three steps. Step 1 Explore and define what confidence means to you. Why? Because confidence probably means something quite different to you than it does to me. And knowing what the confident you looks and feels like will be a guiding star to finding that confidence. Sit or lie down comfortably and close your eyes. Take a minute to breathe and relax. Think about the word confidence and what it means for you. Do you see pictures, images or scenes? Spend a few minutes, enriching this picture and the feeling of confidence. What do you see and hear and feel? What are you doing? Are other people there with you? Who are they? What’s happening? Enjoy and amplify this feeling of confidence for as long as you like. When you’re done, you can journal about your experience for a moment. Jot down what feels most important and meaningful to you about your desire to be confident. What would it enable you to do and be? Step 2 Link these empowering images and feelings to a physical anchor. Choose a part of your body, like an ear lobe or an elbow, that you don’t usually touch in your daily activities. This will be your anchor for the practice. Bring your confidence image to mind and, when it’s at its most vivid peak, touch your chosen anchor. Keep your finger on your anchor, until the image begins to fade. When it does, remove your finger, and reconnect with your picture of confidence. When it feels strong once again, place your finger back on your anchor. Do this for a few rounds. To finish, let go of the images, and relax for a few breaths. Touch your anchor one last time to invoke the feeling of confidence. If you feel confident, wonderful, and if not, don’t worry. Take one more breath to allow it to emerge on its own, don’t chase it. The strength of your anchor will build over time. Feel more confident with this meditation practice Step 3 Use your anchor in a meditation for confidence. Here’s how to do this. Get comfortable again in a seated posture this time. Close your eyes and relax your body. Bring to mind a situation, in the past or future, that makes you feel less confident than you would like. Choose something that triggers some uncertainty or insecurity. Don’t choose anything too serious, maybe a presentation you need to make at work tomorrow or a disagreement last week with your partner where you didn’t speak up for yourself. See and feel the situation for a moment. Then touch your finger to your anchor. Do you feel a bit of confidence infusing the picture? Again, don’t force it. See if you can relax a little and allow some of the confidence to mix with your uncomfortable situation. Release the pressure on your anchor. It’s helpful to do a few repetitions in one session. Imagine the challenging situation, touch your anchor, allow the situation and the confidence to come into contact for as long as feels right, and then release your touch. Take a few breaths and start again. Now you know a complete meditation for confidence practice. You’ll notice it isn’t about convincing yourself you should be confident or criticizing any feelings of insecurity you might have. Instead, you’re creating and embodying a genuine sense of confidence that is much more powerful than any idea. “A confidence meditation practice holds a profound lesson that we can all benefit from: you don't need to make difficult experiences go away to feel better.” Once you’ve strengthened the connection with your anchor, you can use it in any type of meditation practice, like watching your breath or doing a body scan. Whenever you feel something uncomfortable or unpleasant, use your anchor. Stay in meditation, touch your anchor and connect with your felt experience of confidence. RELATED: Visualization meditation – how to practise it A confidence meditation practice holds a profound lesson that we can all benefit from: you don’t need to make difficult experiences go away to feel better – and you also don’t need to go away from them through distraction or unhealthy habits. Just add confidence to your experience. Feel your own strength and resourcefulness, and you may be surprised at how much better you feel. It’s like filling a glass: it can be filled with worries and insecurity or it can be filled with confidence. As you connect with and nurture your sense of resourcefulness and strength, your glass will be filled and worries just won’t have anywhere to go. I recommend doing this kind of practice whenever you can. I think you’ll enjoy it. • Main image: shutterstock/mimagephotography happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

Gardening offers a huge range of mental health benefits, from reducing stress and depression to boosting your immune system. Dee Marques explores seven science-backed reasons to get busy in the garden and boost your well-being. When it comes to strengthening our mental health and finding happiness, common suggestions include taking up a creative hobby, meditation, physical activity, and building solid relationships with others. But did you know that getting green-fingered with gardening could also play an important role in achieving and maintaining happiness and mental well-being? Indeed, the mental health benefits of gardening are many. That could perhaps help explain why gardening seems to be the national pastime in many countries, such as in the UK. According to a recent survey, 80 per cent of British people believe gardening had a positive impact on their mental health, and that the benefits were even better than hitting the gym. Survey participants also said that gardening gave them a stronger sense of achievement than tasks like tidying up or cleaning. Furthermore, a research study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that gardening for as little as 10 minutes per week had a positive impact on health and reduced the risk of developing heart disease. When looking into these studies, what stands out is that we don’t need to spend endless hours in the garden, or even have a traditional garden at all to enjoy it mental health benefits. That's because gardening is within everyone’s reach; you can get started regardless of space or time limitations. For example, using a window box to grow herbs. But before we dig deeper, let's take a quick look at where the concept of gardening for mental health comes from. The healing power of gardening through history The connection between people, nature and mental well-being is rooted in history and goes back to ancient Egypt, where royals who felt mentally restless were encouraged to go for walks in their gardens. Eventually, gardening was tested as a clinical therapy during the 18th and 19th centuries. At around the same time, one of the founding fathers of modern psychology, Benjamin Rush, believed that getting hands-on (and hands dirty) in the garden had a healing effect on his patients. A few decades later, greenhouses and gardens were added to rehabilitation units of hospitals who treated world war veterans. RELATED: How Connecting With Nature Benefits Our Well-Being Fast forward to the present day, and the concept of therapeutic horticulture is practised all over the world. From Italy to Singapore, there are certified horticultural therapy gardens that bring the benefits of gardening for mental health to people of all ages and walks of life. Smells great, feels great! Gardening boosts your mental well-being shutterstock/Dean Drobot This renewed interest in gardening is also a result of changing demographics. The number of elderly people continues to grow in many countries of the Western world, and many have found that gardening is a way of offering support to the growing segment of this population. All this sounds really encouraging, but how exactly can gardening create a sense of happiness and well-being? The 7 mental health benefits of gardening It's clear that gardening for mental health is more than a passing trend. Getting busy with plants is like an escape valve from the pressures and stress of everyday life, but there are other important benefits you won’t want to miss out on. Here are seven ways in which gardening and horticulture therapy can help if you're feeling lonely, low in energy and motivation, or struggling with anxiety. 1. Stress relief One of the main benefits of gardening for mental health is its ability to relieve stress. Researchers saw this relaxing effect when investigating bathing in green or forest bathing, the Japanese concept of walking in forested areas. Gardening also provides a welcome break from our increasingly tech-dominated lives. A study found there were significant differences in mood when comparing participants’ response to two tasks: working on a computer and transplanting. “In a recent survey, 80 per cent of British people believe gardening had a positive impact on their mental health... the benefits were even better than the gym.” When participants were transplanting, they experienced lower stress levels than when they spent time in front of a computer. Researchers also noticed participants had lower blood pressure when transplanting, suggesting there’s a physical basis for the de-stressing effect of gardening. Additionally, research led by Vrije University Medical Centre in the Netherlands showed that simply looking at an image of a green landscape induced relaxation, in contrast to the constant demands for attention of urban landscapes. “Short durations of viewing green pictures may help people to recover from stress,” van den Berg told The New York Times. 2. Grounding and strengthen connections Gardening fosters a sense of grounding, as it helps us to reconnect with our roots as human beings. People who get involved in gardening often experience a deeper sense of belonging and connection with nature. This is no small feat: think about how disconnected the majority of people are from something as basic as the origin of the food they eat. By contrast, gardening grounds you in the value of growing your own food – even if you’re 'only' growing herbs. This sense of grounding also applies to the social sphere. Gardening can help strengthen your connection with others and offers an opportunity to meet people with the same interests. Visiting your nearest urban garden or allotment can connect you with like-minded folk. One benefit of gardening is reduced isolation shutterstock/Tania Kolinko 3. Staying present Staying in the present moment through mindfulness has a long list of benefits, such as reduced rumination and stress reduction. Gardening is a way of practising mindfulness as you need to concentrate on what you're doing. Furthermore, you can also take time to enjoy the beauty around you. Indeed, all tasks related to gardening (such as digging, pruning or weeding) force us to focus on the task in hand, and in doing so we’re more likely to stay in the present and put aside our worries, even if it’s only temporarily. 4. A sense of purpose Another benefit of gardening for mental health is that you can achieve a sense of worth and purpose. This happens when you get directly involved in something that is hands-on and you can see the end result of your effort. There’s a sense of pride and validation in choosing the plants, herbs and flowers that make you happy, and the pride you feel with nurturing them. In fact, studies show that gardening causes an increase in feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin, as helping plants grow stimulates our identity as nurturers. 5. Reduces the risk of Alzheimer's Gardening is related to better brain function and to improved concentration and memory. Some studies have found that it can even reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia. One long-term study from Australia followed nearly 3,000 older adults for over 15 years, tracking incidence of all types of dementia and assessing a variety of lifestyle factors. The researchers concluded that daily gardening was the single biggest risk reduction for dementia, reducing incidence by over a third – 36 per cent to be precise. “People who get involved in gardening often experience the mental health benefit of a deeper sense of belonging and connection with nature.” The factors that cause Alzheimer’s and its progression are poorly understood. However, as gardening involves so many of our critical functions, such as learning, strength, endurance, dexterity and problem solving, it could be this combination that contributes to warding off the illness in older adults. RELATED: How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia 6. Helps you to keep in shape Gardening involves a lot of physical exercise and so is a form of physical therapy. Weeding, digging, and carrying bags and pots around are all a good workout that can help you keep in shape. According to SAGA magazine, just half an hour of these fat-burning gardening activities can help shift a lot of calories: Digging and shovelling: 250 calories Mowing the lawn: 195 calories Weeding: 105 calories Raking: 100 calories What’s more, regular workouts can help you sleep better, and restful sleep is another essential element in achieving good health. Gardening creates a sense of purpose and achievement shutterstock/Alexander Raths 7. Strengthens your immune system You can strengthen your immune system simply by being exposed to natural light and Vitamin D while you’re gardening outdoors. In turn, this helps build resistance again chronic disease. Interestingly, it's also been suggested that the dirt you end up with under your fingernails may help to boost immunity. Mycobacterium vaccae, a so-called 'friendly' soil bacteria which is common in garden dirt, has been shown to alleviate symptoms of allergies, asthma and psoriasis, all of which can stem from a weakened immune system. In fact, Mycobacterium vaccae has also been shown to reduce depression, so don't be afraid to get your hands dirty: the bacteria can be absorbed by inhalation or ingested from your vegetables. Conclusion: gardening benefits our mental health These are only the proven benefits of gardening for mental health. In this post, we’ve seen that gardening is a natural anti-depressant that can have a powerful reset effect in our minds and bodies. Getting green-fingered is an accessible activity that requires minimal investment. If you have a balcony, a window sill, or even hanging space in your home, you can start gardening and experience a boost in happiness and well-being. It’s that simple! ● Main image: shutterstock/iko happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Organic food | Kitchen garden | Self care Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Death is unavoidable, so why is it still taboo? And why do we not prepare for end of life better? Ed Gould looks at why planning for our passing needs an overhaul and discusses what really matters at the end of life. We might not like to talk about it much, but death is a reality and very much a part of life. Ans how should we handle it for the greatest chance of happiness: when you're reaching the end of your life, what really matters? From an early age, we learn that we're going to die some day. Nevertheless, for the vast majority of us, the sense of mortality we ought to feel simply does not come about in any meaningful way. Some of us never really seem to be preparing for death or considering what it means for us. This is particularly true of youngsters and many young adults in their 20s. Why? Well, they may have never faced dealing with trauma of losing a parent or loved one. Some people put it down to the fact that a younger life sees many years stretching out before them. Therefore, being close to death is something of an alien concept. Some scientists offer a more mechanistic point of view, stating that the frontal lobes of youngsters are not yet fully developed to deal with the loss or grief. According to Gary Wenk, PhD, “the reason the frontal lobes are not fully engaged [with the rest of the brain]... is because they have not yet completed the process of neuronal myelination.” Myelination can be thought of as the electrical wiring that's inside all of our brains. Planning for death: a subject that is still taboo Women tend to finish the process of neuronal myelination in their mid-20s. For men, on average, it happens at the age of about 30. Further research is required into how this process impacts on views about death – and many other aspects of life. It does offer an indication as to why our thoughts can turn to the subject in later adult life, compared to when we were younger. Is death really still taboo? One of the reasons we're not preparing for death and that it's not discussed in modern society is that it still remains a taboo. Certainly, sociologists have looked closely into the theory that death is not mentioned in contemporary literature very much, such as Tony Walter's 1991 study into British popular culture. Walter poses several questions which challenge the idea that death truly is a taboo subject or constrained by society in some way. He points out the many examples of death that are available in culture, from TV shows to newspaper articles. “From an early age, we learn that we are going to die some day. Some of us never really seem to be preparing for death and what it means for us.” Although he stresses that many taboo theories exist, he says that people can switch between them depending on the argument they are creating. For example, someone might say that it's individuals, not modern society, that denies the reality of death. Whilst – almost in the same breath – individuals discuss it, but it's not a mainstream topic for the media of healthcare professions. Ultimately, we're left with the idea of whether preparing for death is a taboo subject or not is a confused picture. In some circles, it may be, but palliative care physicians, like BJ Miller, are increasingly arguing that it should not be. Wh bbbb What really matters at the end of life: TED/BJ Miller Death and dying: a palliative care giver's perspective Although religion has been happy to talk about planning for death and, by extension, the afterlife, few outlets for expression about dying exist. BJ Miller's view is that people in his line of work are able to talk about death and its implications for family members. Few healthcare professionals really discuss dying itself, though. This is a subtle distinction but an important one. Death might be the subject of many discussions and plans, even philosophical theorising, but dying isn't. After all, aren't many of us more comfortable with the idea of being dead than we are of dying? In Miller's own words, the reason for this is that: “Dying can involve pain and suffering. In other words, we fear it more than death itself.” “It's essential to think about what really matters at the end of your life and how and where you want to spend your final moments.” Miller, who lost his lower limbs and hand in an accident in his youth, says that his relationship with dying began that day. It has informed his views of palliative care ever since. He says that we need to open a 'big conversation' about the experience of dying. This will help us to improve the way in which care is given to those nearing the end of their life, affording them greater happiness. “The American health care system has more than its fair share of dysfunction to match its brilliance,” Miller says. “[Working in]... a hospice and as a palliative medicine doc, I've seen care from both sides... but we are unwitting agents for a system that too often does not serve.” What really matters at the end of life: the rethink Miller's concept is “to rethink and redesign how it is we die”. In hospitals, he calls for patients not to be whisked away immediately after they've passed on. For cleaning crews not to be immediately called in, for instance, but for a moment or two of reflection to be allowed. Indeed, he says that hospitals are not really designed for handling dying patients, but for saving lives. He calls for people to be able to die in greater comfort than they are often able to in medical facilities. There they're often hooked up to monitoring equipment and various tubes. How to help a grieving friend: 7 ways to be there 7 healing quotes on grief to inspire The 8 types of grief explained Working in a hospice, Miller has a clear view on what makes for a more dignified departure from life. That is to spend the last few months, weeks or hours doing what it was we enjoyed in life. He cites the example of one person for whom having her dog by her side was her priority. In another case, an individual wanted to enjoy her smoking habit right to the end since she was past any health benefit she might derive from giving up. It's hard to imagine either scenario in a standard hospital today. Death with dignity: spend the last days doing what you enjoy most Put another way, Miller's ideas are about de-medicalising the process of dying. He's calling for an approach which is person-centred and not focussed on medical procedures, or dealing with individual instances of pain or bodily deterioration as they might crop up. It's easy to understand why healthcare professionals take the approach they do. They've been trained to heal and to help handle pain all of their working lives. However, by so doing we can be missing one of the fundamentals of dying and what really matters to people at the end of their lives. It's a natural phenomenon and very much a part of life. Shouldn't we all, therefore, consider the merits of planning for death? And doing that in a way that has a meaning and connection with the way we have lived? Surely, if we do, then the chances of a greater dignity in death are vastly improved. This will be of benefit not just to ourselves, as individuals, but to those around us – both professionals and loved ones – in our final moments. This is what really matters at the end of life. The role of psychology in dying Miller's ideas are from throwing the responsibility of preparing for death onto individuals – thereby letting healthcare givers off the hook. The new cultural approach to dying sought by Miller, and others, requires a societal approach. Thankfully, psychologists have already started work in this area. For example, Phillip M. Kleespies, PhD, wrote in his book, Life and Death Decisions: Psychological and Ethical Considerations in End-Of-Life, that psychological interventions can make a huge impact on dying people who are preparing for death. He says they can help with the ability to cope with and adapt to loss and advanced illness as they develop. “Miller has a clear view on what makes for a more dignified departure from life. That is to spend the last few months, weeks or hours doing what it was we enjoyed in life.” The psychologist William E. Haley, PhD, who works at the University of South Florida states that, psychologists are already training. This happens in the mental health treatment of major chronic illnesses in increasing numbers. These include conditions such as heart disease, cancer, dementia, and, in some cases, conditions which lead to chronic pain. The concept of a good death According to Emmanuelle Bélanger MSc, PhD, and Candidate of the Division of Social and Transcultural Psychiatry and Department of Family Medicine at McGill University, the concept of a good death is one that has changed in the last 50 to 60 years. In the 1980s, it became associated with dying well or dying with dignity. This was very different from the Middle Ages. Conception of a good death would have involved both a family and a priest being present. In the 18th century, as more was known about medicine, so the role of the doctor became more important in the concept of a good death. This old-fashioned conception is now being overturned by some in the medical profession, notably Atul Gawande, a practising surgeon. His book Being Mortal argues that the concept of a good death should be turned on its head. That the focus ought to be on a good life, instead. In Being Mortal he makes a compelling case for where medical interventions should stop and where a dignified process of death should begin for greater happiness. Echoing BJ Miller's ideas, he points out that many medical procedures make life more uncomfortable, not less. It even reduces the amount of (conscious) time we have left in some cases. Whichever view you take on the best way to spend your final days on Earth, it's essential to think about what really matters at the end of your life and how and where you want to spend your final moments. ● Main image: colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Spirituality | Enlightenment | Purpose of life Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's a practitioner of Reiki.

There have been many feel-good health and environmental stories this past month, but you may have missed reading about them in the mainstream press. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten positive news stories from the past month to uplift and inspire. February tends to be one of the gloomiest months in the calendar where, in the Northern hemisphere at least, it's usually dark, cold and wet. And with the mainstream news still full of Coronavirus updates, we all need some positive news to brighten our day. Here are our Top 10 uplifting feel-good stories from February. Feel-good news from February: our Top 10 picks 1. Bio-ink used for the first time to 3D print bones Over the past decade, the new technology of 3D printing artificial implants for patients has started to be more widely used. However, Physics World reported in February that a new calcium-rich bio-ink was being used for the first time to make bones that could then be used by surgeons. Portuguese researchers have made what they call a nanocomposite bio-ink which can be 3D printed with the sort of bioactive materials found in real bone structures. It’s hoped that this pioneering new technique will eventually support a range of bone-related treatments. 2. Spanish city makes electricity from unused oranges Seville oranges may be known the world over for being particularly tasty, but the city authorities int he Spanish city have been using them for a purpose other than as a food source. As reported in the Guardian, leftover oranges have been allowed to ferment and create a type of citric acid that, in turn, has derived methane. In a pilot scheme, this gas has subsequently been used to generate electrical power. Some 35 tonnes of oranges were used to generate a clean form of electricity to run one of the city’s water purification plants and now the project may be upscaled to produce more green, orange power! Seville oranges have a new purpose shutterstock/Aranami 3. Coffee-based housing developed in Colombia And now to other food-recycling news. Colombia may be known as one of the world's great coffee producers but ecological engineers in the country have come up with a new use for the crop. Other than drinking it, they’ve developed a low-cost housing solution for many of the poorest people in the country. The coffee husks used to form the walls and roofs of the buildings would normally be seen as a waste product. According to EcoWatch, the start-up firm behind the idea, it has made prefabricated sections of housing which people should be able to put together easily themselves. 4. New German plastic may help to end wastage A newly-developed plastic derived from plant material has been created by a research team at the University of Konstanz in Germany. The material is a type of polyethylene, the most commonly used plastic around the world that’s found in so much packaging. According to Anthropocene magazine, the new plastic is made from land-grown vegetation and micro-oils derived from algae. What marks the material out – other than it not being derived from fossil fuels – is that it can be recycled with a near-perfect efficacy rate. Indeed, the recycling method needs relatively low temperatures, too, something that makes it more energy-efficient than similar processes currently in operation. 5. Mindfulness shown to help combat social isolation, study finds A team at the University of Cambridge’s School of Medicine, led by Dr Christopher Williams, has found that mindfulness and laughter can help to protect people from the ill-effects of loneliness. Social isolation has long been a problem in some quarters of the UK but it has got worse due to the lockdowns that have been imposed in the country. This is why Williams began to look into the issue. His research showed that mindfulness-meditation along with the use of certain technologies, such as robotic pets, could help people to overcome the worst effects of loneliness. According to the academics involved, a combination of educational and psychological interventions appear to be best in this regard. RELATED: Mindfulness vs meditation – understanding the difference 6. Endangered mammal cloned to help ensure its survival A rare species of ferret native to North America has been cloned in an effort to help build up its population numbers in the wild. The cloning took place in late 2020 and used the cells of a black-footed ferret that was cryogenically preserved in the late 1980s. The newly created ferret – named Elizabeth Ann – first went on show in February 2021 once it had started to show normal signs of development. The US Fish and Wildlife Service was involved with the project which will help to boost survival chances of the black-footed ferret. Currently, they only number around 300 in special reserve sites. The black-footed ferret shutterstock/Kerry Hargrove 7. Green tea found to help prevent cancer According to i-News, green tea can help to fight cancer and also prevent it from occurring in the first place. The report into the beverage was focussed on the ingredient epigallocatechin gallate (EGCG), found in the leaves of green tea. Incredibly, researchers at the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York discovered that this anti-oxidant helps to prevent the mutations associated with over half of all human cancers. EGCG works by increasing levels of p53, a natural anti-cancer protein found in the body. It’s hoped it can be harnessed to develop new cancer treatments in the future. RELATED: Best teas for bloating 8. Yoga helps to treat migraine headaches, clinical trial finds According to a recently conducted clinical trial, migraines are treatable if yoga and mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques are followed. Rebecca Erwin Wells, associate professor of neurology at the Wake Forest School of Medicine, said that her research showed these non-drug-based treatment methods were extremely successful in the majority of people. “Mindfulness can help people to find new ways of responding to stress, a commonly reported trigger for migraine headaches,” she said. In the trial, 89 adults with a history of suffering from migraines were assigned yoga exercises and MBSR sessions over eight weeks at random. Yoga can help reduce headaches shutterstock/GingerKitten 9. Carbon-neutral shipping to become a reality earlier than expected The Danish shipping company, Moller-Maersk, has been at the forefront of making the world's cargo container transportation system greener. The company has said it aims to be carbon neutral by 2050 including the adoption of zero-carbon container shipping by then, a technology that does not currently exist at any scale. That said, according to a report in the Financial Times, the shipping giant will launch its first carbon-neutral vessel within two years, some seven years ahead of the target it had set for itself. 10. Simple prostate cancer test developed A report in Science Daily suggested that prostate cancer could become much more easily detected in the future thanks to a new technique. Instead of needing to rely on an invasive biopsy, researchers from the University of Michigan have come up with a way of detecting the disease from a urine sample. It’s hoped that this will lead to an increase in the numbers of people being tested for prostate cancer, thereby enabling many more earlier interventions. • Main image: shutterstock/Alex Yuzhkov happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Positive news | Nature | Biology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Feeling bloated on a regular basis can interfere with daily activities and negatively affect your mood. Dee Marques recommends eight herbal teas to turn to beat the bloat and feel better fast. Digestive disorders have been on the rise for quite a while. Indeed, it’s estimated that up to 15 per cent of the world’s population suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), and there’s also a growing number of people affected by food intolerances and allergies. These conditions have many symptoms in common, and bloating is one of them. Of course, a bloated stomach isn’t always a symptom of disease, but it’s still uncomfortable and can affect our mood and interfere with everyday activities. In fact, researchers have found that the quality of life in people with digestive conditions is similar to people with clinical depression. There are different things that cause digestive discomfort, including: Functional problems, like constipation, indigestion, IBS or stomach ulcers. Harmful habits like eating too fast, not chewing food properly, smoking or excessive consumption of refined sugars (fizzy drinks, sweets, etc.). Hormonal fluctuation caused by menopause, pregnancy, PMS, or thyroid imbalances. Emotional distress, stress, depression or anxiety. Because the digestive system is controlled by the nervous system, any spike in stress or anxiety triggers the release of stress hormones. The gut-brain connection is now well documented. The digestive system is home to more than 100 million nerve endings, which is why some call the gut “our second brain” and is also why negative emotional states can trigger digestive complaints, including bloating. If bloating and gas are caused by a functional problem, you’ll want to get help from a healthcare professional. Lifestyle changes can help if bloating is due to bad habits or to stress. In most cases, you’ll also benefit from a tried-and-tested way of relieving gas and bloating: herbal teas. Nature's way: drinking herbal teas can relieve bloating and gas Herbal teas have been used for centuries to boost digestive health and alleviate digestive complaints, and they’re a common remedy in traditional and alternative medicine. In this post we’ll look at the most gut-friendly herbal teas, which you can experiment with to find the best tea for bloating. Best teas for bloating: 8 infusions to try 1. Ginger Ginger contains enzymes that keep fluids and food moving along the digestive system. Studies show that it increases stomach emptying too. As someone who has struggled with bloating for years, I find myself reaching for fresh ginger root every time I feel the bloat. For me, ginger tea truly is the most effective tea for bloating as it always seems to sooth my swollen stomach. However, ginger may not suitable for people whose bloating is caused by stomach ulcers, so bear that in mind. RELATED: The 15 best prebiotics to include in your diet 2. Peppermint Ranking high in the list of best teas for bloating is peppermint, one of the most widely available herbal teas. Peppermint has anti-spasmodic properties, so it’s useful to soothe bloating due to cramping. In fact, a 2011 study found certain compounds in this plant (such as menthol), which can generate a pain relief response in the gut and are useful for IBS-related bloating. However, peppermint isn’t recommended if you suffer from acid reflux or indigestion. 3. Liquorice Liquorice is used in traditional Chinese medicine as a remedy against stomach ulcers, gas and inflammation, and also to strengthen the digestive system. Furthermore, this root has a long history of health applications dating back to ancient Egypt. “Ranking high in the list of best teas for bloating is peppermint. This herbal tea has anti-spasmodic properties, so it’s useful to soothe bloating due to cramping.” Liquorice root is very high in flavonoids, which are known to have anti-inflammatory properties. It’s also rich in compounds known as triterpenes, which have been found to be anti-viral and can help if bloating is due to food poisoning. Futhermore, liquorice has a mild diuretic effect, which is beneficial if bloating is caused by water retention. 4. Chamomile Next in this list of the best teas for bloating is chamomile, which is known for its medicinal value. Chamomile tea is safe for most digestive conditions and has an anti-inflammatory and anti-spasmodic effect, as it can lower stomach acidity. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about gut health and eating well • What’s more, chamomile is a natural sleep aid and several studies confirm its calming and de-stressing effect. And if you find chamomile a bit bland, you can mix it with other herbal teas known to help bring the bloat down, such as peppermint. Chamomile tea is effective in beating the bloat shutterstock/Yakobchuk Viacheslav 5. Fennel Fennel is one of those lesser-known herbal teas that can quickly become a favourite if you’re looking to beat the bloat. Thats' because fennel seeds have an anti-inflammatory effect due to their high anethole content. This compound is also found in anise and lab studies found it can block the body’s inflammatory response. Moreover, fennel is high in fiber, so it encourages bowel function and is a great choice if your digestion is sluggish. 6. Turmeric Turmeric has been used in Ayurvedic medicine to treat digestive complaints for thousands of years, and is another clear bloat-beater in my books. Turmeric root contains curcumin, which stimulates gallbladder function so that the stomach can break foods down. “Herbal teas have been used for centuries to boost digestive health and alleviate digestive complaints.” Lab studies found that curcumin actually likes to stay in the digestive system for up to 30 minutes, and other research shows that it has beneficial effects in people affected by colitis. You can drink it on its own or mix it with other warming spices, like cardamom, star anise, and cloves, to make your own version of masala chai tea. 7. Hibiscus Beautiful hibiscus flowers aren’t just pretty. Hibiscus has a balancing effect on aldosterone, which is the hormone responsible for keeping the kidneys efficiently processing water and salts and for keeping electrolytes in check. It's definitely the best tea for bloating if you struggle with water retention! This flower is packed with Vitamin C and antioxidants that can strengthen the gut’s function, and studies confirm it can inhibit E.coli, a bacteria that causes gas and bloating. RELATED: How to heal your gut 8. Lemon balm Like liquorice, lemon balm is high in triterpenes and has a refreshing flavour. The European Medicine Agency has confirmed its value helping relieve gas, bloating and slow digestions. In traditional Iranian medicine, lemon balm is considered the best tea for bloating due to its high anti-oxidant content, which can reinforce digestive health. The best teas for bloating: courtesy of nature Nature really is your best ally when it comes to beating bloating and gas. The herbal teas and infusions listed here can help soothe the digestive system and strengthen its function so that you’re less prone to episodes of bloating, especially if you commit to a healthy diet and develop positive lifestyle habits. So, what’s the best tea for bloating in your experience? We would love to know what works for you in the comments below! • Main image: shutterstock/Alex Yuzhakov happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Healthy habits | Herbalism | Vegetarianism | Gut health Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Is it possible to look at challenges and failures as the foundation to personal growth and excellence? Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s OK to fail sometimes and how to claim back power when you’re feeling defeated by life. Although there are few certainties in this existence, unfortunately we do know this: life can defeat us sometimes. No matter how meticulously we plan things or try to predict every outcome, the possibility of failures and disappointment in life cannot be entirely ruled out. Indeed, all of us find ourselves feeling defeated by life at some point. You may flunk an important exam or interview, a fight may ensue with a best friend who misunderstood your well-intended remark, or your boss may pass up what seemed like a brilliant idea in favor of a seemingly ridiculous suggestion by your colleague. Life is called the school of hard knocks for a reason, after all. I know this from experience. I found myself at the end of my wits during my college years, when I realized the complexity of engineering, which my parents had pressurized me to pursue. No matter how hard I tried, the concepts seemed to elude my grasp and it looked like I’d have to repeat a year. For someone who belongs to a family of academics, being an under-performer was a subject of great humiliation and embarrassment for me and my parents, not to mention the high cost of education itself. Feeling defeated? Break free from the shackles of fear Although I did have to take a re-exam for three subjects, it was actually this setback that helped me realize one of the greatest life lessons of my life. That we are not defined by our failures and defeats, but how we spring back, and the experiences we gather from these setbacks. Consequently, this realization enabled me to excel in my academic subjects as I tried harder and broadened my understanding of the subjects. The result? I passed the final grade with scholastic distinction. RELATED: Sailing the world – 5 lessons I've learned “If you want light to come into your life, you need to stand where it is shining,” stated Guy Finley, the renowned philosopher and self-help writer. Indeed, if we give up without trying to push beyond our embarrassments or fear of failure, we’d never know what lies outside of our comfort zone and what we could truly achieve. When you’re feeling defeated it is essential to prevail and resume your power. Feeling defeated: 9 ways to take back power Although this may seem unimaginable when you’re feeling defeated, it is possible to overcome this terrible feeling and to reclaim your power. While some of the following ideas may offer instant results in terms of elevated mood and alleviated stress levels, the others require more consistent efforts over a longer duration of time. So, here are nine ways you can take back power and move forward when you are feeling defeated. 1. Acceptance: allow yourself to feel It’s important to lean into your feelings periodically and acknowledge to yourself that you are an ‘emotional creature’. In fact, being aware of your thoughts and labelling your emotions can improve your ability to manage negative emotional experiences, according to a 2007 study by Lieberman et al. Indeed, a proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing or avoiding them, and consciously channel them in a productive and beneficial manner, thus developing emotional agility. Being emotionally agile implies one’s ability to sit with their feelings and thoughts, be they positive (for example, joy, hope, serenity) or negative (fear, anger, sadness). It means accepting feelings in a compassionate manner, without getting derailed or overwhelmed by them. A study by Frank Bond from the Goldsmiths University London revealed that emotional agility can help ease stress, improve accuracy and boost innovation and creativity in individuals. 2. Self-compassion: imagine what you’d say to a friend Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated. According to Dr Kristin Neff, the psychologist who first created a scale to measure self-compassion as a construct, humans often mistakenly assume that compassion towards self induces weakness and has an adverse impact on our goals and productivity. “A proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing them.” Dr Neff recommends practising self-compassion by treating oneself as they’d treat a friend. Positive self-talk plays an important role, especially during adverse situations. So, instead of saying “I’m so lame!” or “What an idiot I’ve made of myself” during a setback, instead, practise saying, “I’m so glad I tried my hand at something new” or, I’m proud of myself for doing this wholeheartedly”. 3. Stop catastrophizing Do you often find yourself jumping to wrong conclusions or blaming yourself for something when you really weren’t at fault? As sentient beings we always try to make sense of events around us, but sometimes our brains devise ‘shortcuts’ and create interpretations which are not entirely precise. This tendency to catastrophize or assume the worst in an unpleasant situation is a result of cognitive distortion pattern known as magnification, wherein our brains blow one disturbing event out of proportion, giving rise to unfavorable conditions like depression and anxiety. RELATED: Feeling blue or clinically depressed? The 4 things you should look out for Luckily, it’s possible to avoid this unhelpful thinking style and opt for more balanced ways of evaluating a situation. Instead of obsessing about what happened and what may further go wrong, take stock of the situation by consciously restructuring your thought patterns. Practising mindfulness can help you reframe your thoughts based on factual procession of events, resulting in improved decision-making. 4. Incorporate gratitude Gratitude plays an important role in improving one’s mental health, especially when you are feeling defeated by life. The simple act of listing down things you appreciate in your life in a gratitude journal can boost resilience and prevent toxic emotions, thus reducing the risk of conditions like stress and depression. What’s more, a study by Prathik Kini et al revealed that practising gratitude can have lasting effect on the brain – it can rewire it, equipping you to deal better with adversities in life. Writing a gratitude journal can boost your resilience shutterstock/Sergey Saulyak 5. Shift your mindset/change perspective When you’re feeling defeated by life, you could be misled into believing that you possess limited talents, also known as the fixed mindset. Psychologist Carol Dweck contrasted fixed mindset with growth mindset, wherein individuals believe that they can achieve their goals by honing their talents and advancing their skill set. Interestingly, those with growth or abundance mindset tend to achieve more, as they concentrate more on learning and taking action towards their goals. Developing a ‘can-do attitude’ allows you to look at obstacles as steppingstones or necessary doses of personal growth instead of failures. 6. Understand the power of ‘small wins’ It’s understandable that you may want to get back up on your feet and set out to chase lofty goals when you’re feeling defeated. Instead, it would be wiser to set small, incremental goals to ensure you achieve them without getting overwhelmed or frustrated. A study published by Harvard Business Review revealed that the quality of a person’s inner work life – or a mix of their emotions, perceptions, and purpose – was the most important driver of their creative pursuits and productivity. “Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated.” Start by asking yourself if you can try breaking your goals into smaller sections called ‘systems’ and further into sets of actionable daily tasks that you can track periodically. Small wins tend to activate your brain’s circuitry, and the constant motivation results in release of dopamine and testosterone, thus boosting your confidence. Indeed, you may be amazed to find that these micro-successes executed daily can lead to major breakthroughs. 7. Take regular breaks While taking time to pause when you’re working on something important may seem counterintuitive, researchers agree that taking regular breaks can improve productivity and prevent stress. A 2016 study by Kim, Park and Niu revealed that even micro-breaks or small interventions can prevent the onset of negative affective state of mind at the end of the workday. Indeed, taking small, regular breaks to chat with someone around or getting yourself a glass of water in midst of a busy day can avert the possibility of you feeling defeated in the long run. 8. Stay healthy with exercise Not only does regular exercise strengthen your heart health and keep diseases at bay, but being physically active can even bring long-lasting change for your brain and mind. Working out regularly can make you more receptive to positive feelings like joy, boost your mood and motivation levels and relieve stress. Indeed, staying healthy through regular exercise and including wholesome, gut-friendly foods in your diet can help you overcome the blues, especially when you’re feeling defeated. Working out makes you more receptive to positive feelings shutterstock/mimagephotography 9. Create your life vision A foolproof way to regain power when you’re feeling defeated by the hardships you’ve faced is to understand your purpose in life and create your life vision accordingly. Jen Sincero, a success coach and the author of bestselling Badass Habits stresses on the importance of living fearlessly by ‘aligning’ one’s actions with their deepest desires and goals. Doing this allows you to make the shift from ‘wanting’ to ‘deciding’ to change your life for the better with utmost tenacity. Takeaway: feeling defeated It’s important to understand that pain and suffering from failures in life don’t define us, and that the ability to claim back power lies within us. Directing consistent efforts towards assuming this inherent power can help you avoid the mental trap of self-blame and frustration, allowing you to grow and realize your true potential. • Main image: shutterstock/Overearth happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Life purpose | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

For some of us, developing a meaningful life can be hard. But from helping others to finding a sense of purpose, these ten scientifically-backed tips from Ed Gould can help you discover how to live a meaningful life and find greater happiness. A meaningful life is something of a subjective matter, you might well think. What is meaningful to one person may, of course, have little meaning for another. However, there are certain aspects of fulfillment and happiness that all of us can ascribe meaning to. As such, there have been a number of scientific studies that have been carried out around the world that have delved into the subject. If you want to know what research programmes and studies have to offer in the search for a meaningful life, then read on. You may be surprised at just how many insights science has to offer on the subject. 1. Listening to music can make you kinder Music has long been understood to be a form of communication that gets into our souls like no other. And, according to research from Frankfurt's Goethe University, it can even help us to become more helpful and show more kindness to others. So, how does this relate to living a meaningful life? Well, science has previously shown that being kind to others brings about long-lasting well-being and happiness in humans, increasing purpose. Indeed, even ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle wrote that finding happiness and fulfillment is achieved “by loving rather than in being loved.” Furthermore, the results from the German 2016 study show that integrating listening to music into a daily routine can improve cognition, especially where creative tasks are concerned. What's more, the greater the level of joy was conveyed in the music, the more the effect of it was noticed. Sound advice: music makes you more creative and kinder 2. Helping others helps ourselves Here is further evidence that a meaningful life spent caring for and helping others can be of benefit to us. A 2016 paper published by researchers at Columbia University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered that people who offer care and assistance to others will be better equipped to deal with their own problems. Researchers carried out a three-week study of an online platform that provides training and practice in the social regulation of emotion. Their results suggested that our mood changes when we help others, leading to a greater sense of worth that can assist with coping strategies for life's daily struggles. Moreover, the study showed that participants who engaged more by helping others showed greater decreases in depression, mediated by increased use of reappraisal in daily life. 3. You can make your workplace a more positive place Although work may feel like it's not something we have much control over, scientists have shown that acting in a kind way at work can, in fact, lead to a shift in behaviour among colleagues. A study from the University of California – co-anchored by happiness expert Sonja Lyubomirsky – demonstrated that kind behaviour was both beneficial and contagious in the workplace. The 2017 study, published in the journal Emotion, focused on a workplace in Spain. It examined the effects of practising, receiving and observing everyday prosociality — activity that benefits others. Just over 100 employees were randomly assigned to be givers, receivers or controls. “The question of how to living a meaningful life has puzzled generations for centuries. Science shows that discovering meaning and fulfillment is a key ingredient in living a happy life.” Over a period of four weeks the givers practised five acts of kindness for a set list of receivers. The study showed that both receivers and givers mutually benefited from boosted well-being in both the short-term and the long-term. In fact, receivers became happier after two months, while givers became less depressed and more satisfied with their lives and jobs. Furthermore, the kind acts inspired of givers also encouraged colleagues to act: receivers paid their acts of kindness forward with almost 300 per cent more prosocial behaviors compared to the control colleagues. 4. Find a sense of purpose, no matter your age There have been several scientific studies into the role a sense of purpose has in developing a meaningful life. One 2016 study entitled Purpose in life and cognitive functioning in adulthood from Carleton University, Canada and West Virginia University, USA, found that older people were just as likely to need a self-defined purpose in their lives in order to combat a number of issues, such as cognitive impairment. Essentially, true sense of purpose can reduce the risks of conditions like dementia in older people. RELATED: How to find your ikigai 5. Mindfulness leads to better parenting For some, it's their role as a parent that shows them how to live a meaningful life. And although there are many ways to try and bring up happy children, science has shown that mindfulness leads to improved parenting techniques. According to a study undertaken by the University of Vermont, parents who practise mindfulness are generally more positive and suffer less anxiety in their interactions with their children. We're not kidding: parenting can bring meaning to life 6. General health isn't only controlled by genes Although certain health conditions are caused by genes and we may feel there is little control we have over them as individuals, scientists are now suggesting we can alter things ourselves. Certain genes have been associated with negative mindsets, for example, but meditation can alter them – or at least their effect. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin and other European institutions found that genes that cause bodily problems when we feel stressed are more likely to be suppressed in people who meditate. Discover which type of meditation may suit you best. 7. Time is more important than money All that focus on your bank balance and earning more can improve your material wealth, but does it have anything to say about leading a more meaningful life? Well, according to a scientific paper published in 2016, people who value their time over money are simply happier. Ultimately, science has revealed that our time is the most valuable resource we have when people respond honestly to questions about their lifestyles. “Our mood changes when we help others, leading to a greater sense of worth that can assist with coping strategies for life's daily struggles.” Sometimes you can use money to help you buy more time, for example, hiring a cleaner if you don't want to tackle the house chores, or a babysitter if you and your partner need some quality time together. This is one example in how you can live a meaningful life by using money in a different way. RELATED: Money can't buy you happiness (except when you spend it like this!) 8. A happy life and a meaningful one may be different We may assume that living a meaningful life will automatically lead to greater happiness, but science has shown that, in fact, the two are not intrinsically linked. Put another way, being happy does not necessarily lead to a greater sense of meaning in your life. The question of how to living a meaningful life has puzzled generations for centuries. Science shows that discovering meaning and fulfillment is a key ingredient in living a happy life According to The Journal of Positive Psychology, there is a correlation between a meaningful life and a happy one, but the two concepts diverge. The pursuit of happiness for its own sake – through hedonism, for example – may not be all its cracked up to be, and will not set you on the path to a meaningful life. 9. Altruism is good for you You might not intend to derive benefit from an act of altruism or kindness, but scientific research suggests that you will. According to a large study which drew data from around 200,000 people in 136 countries, giving to others, for example, in the form of charitable donations, makes people feel happier about themselves. RELATED: The power of kindness The researchers called this pro-social spending and suggested that it has a universal psychological impact no matter which culture was being examined. The work theorised that altruism may, in fact, be a product of evolutionary development among humans who derive longer term benefits from concepts like giving and sharing as a whole. A helping hand: aiding others can benefit yourself too 10. Put your phone down and interact We've all been in the company of someone who cannot put their phone down and won't look you in the eye. And now science suggests this practice has a real detrimental effect on social interactions in the here and now. In fact, it can even lead to friendships and relationships breaking down because of the social exclusion that is felt. Social media may be fine in its proper place, but the latest research suggests access to it should be limited in face-to-face social contexts. Mindful listening is essential if you want to give your full attention to others when you are having a conversation and it makes the other person know you are interested and care. This type of deep listening is an exercise in empathy and self-awareness that can improve the quality and depth of our relationships, therefore helping to boost meaning in our lives. The takeaway: how to live a meaningful life The question of how to living a meaningful life has puzzled generations for centuries. Science shows that discovering meaning and fulfillment is a key ingredient in living a happy life. And finding meaning in life seems to be done by doing what you love, helping others through altruism, and staying mindful at all times. ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Self care | Gratitude | Loneliness | Random acts of kindness Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

If you turn down new opportunities or chances to learn because you have no confidence in your capabilities, it may be time to develop a can-do attitude. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores 7 ways to get started. A can-do attitude is, simply put, a belief that one can tackle whatever comes their way – and a willingness to do it. Whether you are on the ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ side of things, you probably noticed that how you value yourself and your abilities directly reflects onto how much you can actually do in life. We are, indeed, our best friends or worst enemies. Here I'll explain what a can-do attitude is, where it comes from, and give you seven ways to develop it. What is a can-do attitude? You probably know at least one person with a can-do attitude. They are those people with a conviction that anything can be done once they’ve set their mind to it. It’s more than mere optimism, though. Such a belief is combined with a motivation to work on accomplishing the goal or completing the task. A can-do attitude is a mindset. As such, it is usually deeply ingrained into our psyche. Different factors might contribute to us either being can-doers or doubters, from our temperaments, upbringing, to various experiences we have had throughout our life. Although the can’t-do attitude can be a strong habit of mind, we can also retrain ourselves into a different habit. Indeed, we can learn to change our mindset, believe in ourselves, and – do it! A can-do attitude is responsible for the great deeds and ideas that came to fruition. Heroism, altruism, change, revolution – none of it exists without such a readiness to make it happen. I witnessed many exceptional contributions to the community during my volunteering years. “We can do it” was so contagious that none of us ever even thought those projects might not succeed. Can or can't? The choice is yours! What’s more, technological advancement would have probably ended at just stone tools if it wasn’t for those endowed with a can-do attitude. But you don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the whole world a better or more evolved place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be – in any field. As a mother of a four-year-old, I know it’s safe to say that motherhood is absolutely impossible without such a stance. People who seem to sprint through career advancements, too, are guided by the same attitude: “I can do it!” 7 ways to develop a can-do attitude Everyone’s path towards developing a can-do attitude will differ depending on where you start from. Nonetheless, there are some things everyone can implement to reprogram their mindset. Here are seven ways you can start to develop a can-do attitude. 1. Develop a growth mindset The concept of a growth vs fixed mindset was put forth by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist. In its simplest, fixed mindset means believing that we have unchanging traits. Those characteristics are dictating what and how we can do in life. Thinking of yourself as stupid (or intelligent) would be an example of a fixed mindset. • LOOKING TO MAKE CHANGES? Join our community for more self-help ideas • A growth mindset, on the other hand, is about believing in the effects of exercise and learning. So, you would not suppose that your intelligence got you through school and into a fulfilling career. You would credit all the hard work and time invested instead. “You don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the world a better place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be.” Why would believing you were intelligent, talented, or good be wrong? The problem with a fixed mindset is that once the trait fails to deliver the results you were after, you feel lost. “This isn’t working! The only explanation is that I’m not clever enough!” See the logic? People with a growth mindset are more resilient to stress and associated adverse outcomes (from academic and career underperformance to depression or substance use). In other words, they believe that anything can be achieved – if the necessary effort and thought are put into them. 2. Accept and learn from your mistakes Whether you like it or not, you will make mistakes. In a way, being alive means erring. However, are you prone to becoming fixated on your errors or beating yourself up? Or, do you tend to cast blame on others for the circumstances? Both habits are probably preventing you from developing a can-do attitude. Accepting responsibility is the first step towards learning from your life experience. Self-forgiveness is the next one. The research revealed the ability to use past mistakes constructively and learn from them results in better individual and group/organisation performance. So, the next time you get it wrong, don’t throw sticks and stones at yourself. Analyze. What happened? And what could be done better the next time? Take a moment to feel bad about it – and then move on. 3. Be mindful of opportunities and take them when they come along One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. This is perfectly natural. However, if you aspire to become someone who believes in themselves, goes out, and gets things done – you need to move outside of your comfort zone. It’s not necessary to be extreme and go far beyond what you used to feel comfortable about. Baby steps will get you there, too. Can-doers always grab new opportunities shutterstock/mavo Simply make it your task to start noticing growth opportunities. When you do spot them, ask yourself if maybe you could engage with it? What would feel safe enough, but still bring a bit of change in your life? Do this regularly, and you’ll start noticing a new perspective opening up. 4. Focus on being congruent When we are trying to transform the way we think about ourselves, we need all the support we can get. In this case, you want your thoughts, actions, and emotions to align. What do we mean by that? Although some proponents of affirmations would tell you that repeating “I can do it!” would be enough to conquer the world, the reality isn’t that simple. A failed attempt at affirming ourselves into greatness will likely result in the psychological discomfort reemerging, a study revealed. Feeling lost in life? These 7 steps will help you move on Visualization meditation: 8 ways to practise it How to find meaning in life: 7 strategies We need to work on changing our thoughts, actions, and feelings and make them all congruent. For example, noticing and changing your thought pattern is one step (we’ll get back to it next). However, you need to work out your emotional reactions and understand why you feel the way you do. Is it rational and substantiated, or could you feel in some other way? Finally, the way you act should also support the can-do attitude. The next time you get the opportunity, make yourself respond to it slightly different to what you’re used to. Somewhat more as a can-doer, to be precise. 5. Be mindful of your self-talk We all have an inside voice telling us different things. For many, the voice is the harshest critic one could imagine. For those with a can-do attitude, on the other hand, “You got this” is the mantra they hear repeatedly in their head. A systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. Reframing your thoughts makes your mind work for you instead of against you. What we think tends to happen. This so-called Pygmalion effect often works both ways. Be mindful of what you tell yourself shutterstock/pathdoc Therefore, the next time you catch yourself thinking “This is too hard”, “It’s impossible”, “I couldn’t possibly do it”, stop. Then, come up with alternative statements. Don’t go for super-hero level right away. In other words, for affirmations to work, they need to be believable for you. Gradually progress towards automatically thinking positive about yourself, your abilities and your outlook. In that way, you will also start believing that you can do it. 6. Unlearn the learned helplessness Psychological experiments have revealed a phenomenon called ‘learned helplessness’. In short, dogs were put in a problem situation. Every attempt to resolve it and run away from an adverse stimulus would result in more adversity. Afterwards, even when they could escape or terminate the shock, they would not even try. They learned that they were helpless. Humans learn this, too, although, thankfully, usually in a much less dramatic manner. Seligman proposed that, in the face of traumatic events that we cannot control, we might become passive, depressive, and stop learning. Such a state could generalise and make us freeze when facing any challenge. Therefore, if you want to change your attitude towards life and challenges, it’s time for you to start unlearning the learned helplessness. How? “One thing that’s hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities in life. The comfort of the known feels safe.” One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. With time, you will accumulate too many arguments against helplessness for your mind to oppose them any longer. 7. Change your locus of control One thing that is characteristic of individuals with a can-do attitude is that they have an inner locus of control. Locus of control is a psychological term indicating where you position the power over your experiences. Is it internal or external? In other words, do you feel that a lot of things are outside of your control? Or do you feel in charge of both your reactions and the events that happen in your life? A study revealed that people with an internal locus of control are healthier, more satisfied, and, overall, have higher subjective well-being levels. If you want to become a person who believes in themselves and has the zest to accomplish whatever they set their mind to, try shifting your locus of control. How to do it? The majority of the above tips will result in a gradual shift of the locus. Additionally, try and remember that you always have a choice. Brainstorm your options, talk to people, make lists of pros and cons, whatever works. The choice is always yours. Even when the uncontrollable life events come – you choose how you will see and feel them. Yes, you can! If you don’t possess a can-do attitude just yet, don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’re far from being alone. Nonetheless, if you wish to change things, believe that it can be done. You can become one of those people who seem to have it going for them. Their secret? Allow me to respond with a quote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning • Main image: shutterstock/IC Production happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Healthy habits | Mindfulness | Self care Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

The feeling of being lost in life and not knowing what to do next can be paralyzing. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains how to embrace that 'I don't know what to do with my life' feeling and then move forward in seven practical steps... ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life.’ Does this saying strike a chord? Have you ever muttered it to yourself in a moment of desperate reflection on the direction you're heading in? Feeling lost in life without the slightest idea where to go next can be daunting. However, it is a common situation, one many of us have experienced (and will continue to experience). Choosing a college, deciding on a career, or thinking about where to live are just some of the most common situations when you might feel frozen in this way. On the flip side, this lost feeling can also surface when you achieve some of your greatest goals and have no clue as what to do next! Indeed, when you undergo colossal life-changing experiences and become someone new, the old plans and ideals could stop resonating with you. Feeling lost in life is a sign that you need to make changes So, even if you do discover what you want to do next in your life, at some point in the future this paralyzing subject may come back to haunt you again! Let me show you how to draw a new map to creating a meaningful life. 7 steps for when you're feeling lost in life First, a disclosure is in order. It wasn’t so long back that I myself was proclaiming ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’! In fact, exactly nine years ago, I earned my degree, top of my class. I immediately got a job at a company and entered the 9 to 5 workforce. It was probably on only the second day that I had an epiphany about the meaninglessness of it all. I realised I was actually feeling lost with my life and decisions. So, if you're experiencing a similar moment in your life and struggling to decide how to move on, here are seven steps you can take to make discovering your next move less stressful and more intuitive. 1. Put a stop on the search Do you hear the scary voice repeating incisively: ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ in your head? Well, I know we're just getting started, but the first thing you need to do is actually put a stop to trying to figure out the answer. Although it may feel like an urgency, chances are, you need to take some time to pause first. Why? Think of it as a creative problem-solving. It consists of four phases – preparation, incubation, illumination and verification. It’s safe to say that, if you don’t know what to do with your life, you hit an impasse in the process. It’s like trying to force yourself to write a best-selling novel – right now! It just won’t work. You now need an intentional delay. Step away from the problem. The break will give your mind time and space for incubation to occur. Fill your time with activities such as walks, exercise, yoga, socialising with the right people, education and any other hobbies. Don’t worry. Your mind will be quietly working on the answer in the background. When we can’t resolve a problem, usually it’s because we’re fixated in our thinking. A break will allow for the habits, patterns and fixations to dissolve. What’s more, it will let the creativity flow in. RELATED: How to find meaning in life – 7 strategies 2. Prepare the terrain Once your mind has been given a chance to shift perspective, it’s time to go back to exploring the possibilities. However, you need to do it the right way. Make your internal and external environment ready for some soul-searching. There is scientific proof for the age-old wisdom advising against making decisions on an empty stomach. A study from the University of Dundee determined that, if we are hungry, we are more likely to seek immediate gratification. The problem is that this tendency does not apply to food choices alone. Hunger negatively affects our financial and interpersonal decisions, too. “If you’re thinking, ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’, you are actually at a moment that will inevitably lead to a major change.” The same goes for not being rested. Sleep deprivation has severe cognitive and neural consequences. Anyone who, for any reason, has been sleep-deprived, knows well the mind-fog it creates. It becomes impossible to think clearly and make coherent and considered decisions. RELATED: Can't sleep? 14 fixes for a good night's rest And what about our environment? An interesting study determined that even lighting can affect the ability to solve problems. According to the findings, what you need is the kind of light that feels right to you. It’s up to you if you prefer ‘warm’ or ‘cool’, or dimmed or bright light. The trick is in making the light in the room elicit a positive mood. Your cognitive abilities will follow along. So, when you're ready to explore why you're feeling lost in life, be sure to do it after a good night’s rest and after a hearty, healthy meal. Make your environment work for you. Prepare the terrain, go to a room where you feel good, fix the lighting, and get going. 3. Search deep within A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self. The benefits of meditation have been confirmed over and over again. A review of over 160 studies that met the strict criteria determined that meditation has positive effects on emotional and interpersonal issues and cognitive abilities. As little as four days of mindfulness training improved cognitive performance in another study. But how does this relate to you seeking out your future life path? Well, meditation can deliver the clarity of mind and emotion you need when figuring out your purpose in life. It can open the path to communicating with yourself, in a sense. 4. Remember what you used to love and believe in When you were a child or a teenager, chances are you never said ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’. You simply did whatever it was that you were doing. Yes, it was objectively much easier not to contemplate on what to do with your life. Your parents took care of your needs, and you didn’t have anyone’s needs you should be taking care of. Then adult life happened. Nonetheless, there’s a wisdom in the young(er) You that could help you find your way now. Do you remember the state of losing yourself (in a good way)? It could have been reading a book, making art, solving logical or mathematical problems, learning something new, dancing, or exercising. Do you remember a cause for which you used to feel a fire burning inside of you? An idea that made you forget everything as long as you could work towards it? RELATED: Following your bliss What most probably happened to you in those times is called flow, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. His research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. So, what does this mean for you at this point? When you feel that your life is off track, a good place to start is to ask yourself: what is it that puts me in a state of ‘flow’? What is it that I used to love doing and believed in? Is there a way to rearrange my life and put such activities and causes at the forefront? 5. Brainstorm: and then limit your choices Once you’ve been through the previous four steps and opened up the search area, it’s time to narrow things down and list some concrete ideas. Do a brainstorming session with yourself. You can make a list, a vision board, a graph – whatever works. Your goal is to think of as many scenarios for yourself as possible. However – once you do, you will then begin to narrow down your choices. Kierkegaard spoke of ‘dizziness of freedom’, the bewildering anxiety we experience when facing the limitlessness of possibilities for ourselves and our lives. Indeed, in the world of empirical research, it has been found that there is such a thing as too many options. When you face ‘choice overload’, you might not be able to make the right call. Feeling lost? Brainstorm ideas, then narrow choices shutterstock/Rawpixel.com So, once you thought of any possible route for yourself, try to sit with each option for some time. See if they still seem right after a while. You will want to eliminate most of them gradually. An exercise that might help you determine which options to keep is asking yourself “Why?” five times. That is, set a goal for yourself, such as a steady job, financial security, spiritual growth, family, health or well-being. Then, ask yourself why you want this. When you respond, repeat the question: why do you want that? After five rounds of ‘Why?’ you should be pretty close to your most profound motivation. Use it to plan and create the new life for yourself. 6. Write your own obituary One of my favourite techniques for jolting oneself out of inertia and finding the way is rooted in existential-humanistic psychology. The task is pretty straightforward – write your own obituary. OK, it may sound morbid, and although you may feel some initial discomfort, it’s actually a rewarding and transformative exercise. According to the author of a recent study, the technique delivers a “greater sense of acceptance, appreciation, and awe toward the possibilities of living the life one envisions”. “A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self.” The logic behind the technique is simple. Even though we might not like it, we will eventually die. So, stop now and think about how you would most like to be remembered. Think of how you want to live your life while you still have it. You might be surprised by how your obituary would sound at the moment. And, most importantly, you will probably find out where you need to go next. Allow me to express the weight of the ideas behind proposing this technique with a quote: “So, live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning 7. Practise acceptance and non-judgement Finally, once you have made your decision, you will need to be a good support for yourself. If you’re feeling lost in life and thinking ‘I don’t know what I want to do next’, you're actually at a moment that will inevitably lead to a major change. And, changes often don’t come easy, even when they are for the better. Perhaps your change will mean investing time, money and a lot of effort before it can be realised. Therefore, prepare to go through the change with an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement. Embrace your decision, and all that comes with it. The ideal state to step into your new life is with plenty of self-love. Self-kindness prepares you to function and perform optimally and live a healthy and rewarding life. Round-up: feeling lost in life You might remember my not-so-original experience about the realisation of how pointless my life was. In case you wondered how it turned out for me: here I am, doing the work I always described as my ideal job. When I was younger and used to talk about my dream career, I didn’t think it was actually possible. Yet, after going through the steps above, the path opened itself. In the meantime, I went through many other massive changes, internally and externally. And, I have another disclosure for you. To be honest, ’I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ is a thought that has never fully left my side. Indeed, it has reappeared in many instances, professionally and personally. RELATED: What's the point of life? Here are 3 questions you need to ask yourself However, rather than let the feeling overwhelm me, I have learnt to see it as a nudge. It is a prod to keep questioning whether I am living a worthy life, in peace with my values. In fact, I see it as a life saviour – life being defined as something that ought to have a point. When you realise that you don’t know what to do next in your life, don’t succumb to anxiety. As scary as it may be, feeling this way is actually an insight that will send you on a path of never accepting purposelessness or inertness. So, embrace the voice shouting ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ and embark on discovering your next journey! • Main image: shuttertoskc/wolfstudiobkk happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Motivation | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Intimacy is more than just about sex and physicality. As Dee Marques explains, there are many different types of intimacy, such as emotional and creative. Discover how you can cultivate these intimacy styles to enhance your happiness and well-being. One of the things highlighted by the pandemic is just how important it is to have strong bonds with others. Social distancing, isolation and travel restrictions have become real challenges for many of us, and it’s normal to feel that something is missing. In many cases, what we’re missing is a real connection with others, or deep social bonds that foster a sense of intimacy. Indeed, intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, and not only romantic relationships but any bond with the people we love and care for. There are several types of intimacy we can develop with others for optimal mental health. And deepening the types of intimacy we have with other has benefits to our physical health too, since studies suggest that people who enjoy a close connection with others are less vulnerable to the harmful effects of stress, have better digestive health and improved sleep quality. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • I like to think about the different types of intimacy as a fishing net: the farther away you throw it, the more benefits you’ll reap. So, in this post I’ll outline the different types of intimacy that can help us feel more complete as human beings. The six types of intimacy Here's an overview of the six main types of intimacy we can all benefit from. 1. Physical intimacy This type of closeness is often limited to partners and close family members. With romantic partners, physical intimacy is usually but not exclusively expressed through sex. It also extends to hugging, kissing and physical closeness. Physical intimacy means more than just sex But there are other ways of developing intimacy with loved ones apart from being physically close. In fact, we’d be missing out on so much joy if we limited our understanding of intimacy to this single type. In fact, cultivating as many types of intimacy as possible is also important because physical intimacy is culture-dependent. Not all cultures (and people) are touchy-feely or feel comfortable in close personal contact with others, but that doesn’t mean intimacy is out of the question. RELATED: What are the benefits of hugging? 2. Emotional intimacy This second type of closeness involves sharing our most private fears, concerns and dreams. High disclosure levels come with an expectation that the other person won’t judge or ridicule us, but rather offer support. This is hard work, and once again culture and personality play a big role determining our openness to emotional intimacy. But getting past those barriers is worth it: we can get relief when we’re able to open up to people who understand our emotions and accept us without judgement. 3. Intellectual intimacy Intellectual intimacy refers to sharing feelings and discussing views or thoughts. These could relate to plans for the future, values or opinions about social or political issues, but – and here’s the important thing – without getting into arguments. “If you want to work on any of the types of intimacy, you need to be ready to embrace your vulnerability and be open to letting your guard down.” This type of intimacy is born out of deep respect for others and for their understanding of the world, even if it’s different from ours. But having said that, it’s hard to feel close to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to ours, so finding like-minded souls is necessary to build intellectual bonds. 4. Experiential intimacy This is a type of intimacy that develops between people who go through the same struggles, joys or experiences. Finding someone who has gone through the same as us can and does bring people together, making us feel less alone and better understood. The events that shocked the world during 2020 illustrate this point and how important experiential intimacy is for mental health. There are other situations where it’s possible to achieve experiential intimacy, such as finding an exercise buddy or picking up a new hobby and finding an online community around it. RELATED: Try these 5 intimacy exercises to deepen connection 5. Creative intimacy This type of intimacy fosters self-expression through shared acts of creativity. It’s normal to feel closer or develop intimate relationships with people whose creative expression takes the same form as ours, whether it's writing, dancing, painting, cooking, etc. Developing creative intimacy with others can feed the much-needed inspiration to do meaningful work. At the same time, it can help create a strong bond with people who can inspire us to do our best. 6. Spiritual intimacy This doesn’t just mean sharing religious beliefs with others, although clearly spiritual intimacy can help people find support and acceptance in their church or congregation. Spiritual intimacy also extends to beliefs, values and morals on a wider scale. In a sense, it’s similar to intellectual intimacy but with a focus on personal growth. For example, if you have a mindfulness practice and find someone who does the same, it’ll probably be easier to share meaningful things with them. How to nurture different types of intimacy Here are some tips on how to develop the different types of intimacy outlined above. Accept vulnerability Becoming intimate with others requires a high degree of personal involvement and this can sometimes makes us feel vulnerable. But it's this vulnerability that makes us human and there’s nothing wrong in sharing worries or negative emotions. So, if you want to work on any of the types of intimacy discussed in this post, you need to be ready to embrace your vulnerability and be open to letting your guard down. Trust people To develop true intimacy we need to trust others instead of anticipating negative situations or behaviours that haven’t yet happened. Trust that your loved ones will be there for you and that their intention is a caring one, even if they don’t always respond as you expected. Which leads us to... Working on communication skills Trust can be eroded if people we have faith in react in unexpected or unsupportive ways. But don’t nurture resentment: maybe they didn’t mean what they said or you misinterpreted their words. Instead, express your feelings openly and without making accusations. We all make mistakes and we can all improve our levels of acceptance, as well as our communication skills. Cultivate creative intimacy through dancing, for example shutterstock/George Rudy Cherish everything Irrespective of the types of intimacy you have with other people, never take them or your shared experiences for granted. Make a point of letting people know how much these moments of intimacy matter, why they matter, and that you’re always there for them. RELATED: How to improve intimacy – 9 techniques to try Be present Even if virtual get-togethers are the norm these days, remember that presence is a matter of attitude as much as it is of the medium you use to connect. When you spend time in an intimacy-building activity, don’t allow distractions. Sometimes, giving our full and undivided attention to another person is the best gift we can make. Be patient Not everyone communicates in the same way or at the same pace. It may take some time for you (or for others) to open up and be comfortable doing so, so don’t get frustrated if things don’t flow smoothly at first. Intimacy is a lifelong pursuit, so be patient and try to enjoy every step of the journey. All types of intimacy are worth cultivating The ability to develop different types of intimacy with others is one of the things that make us human. All six types of intimacy we’ve discussed here can enrich your life and benefit your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Don’t expect to be able to build every type of intimacy with every person you know. Some people are naturally closer to us in their spiritual views, others in their experiences, etc. Instead, recognize people’s strengths and the unique value or contribution they bring to your life. They can all contribute to a deeper feeling of intimacy in their own way, and we can do the same for them too. • Main image: shutterstock/Jacob Lund happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Relationship advice | Deep listening | Compassion Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.