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Psychologist Catherine Sanderson explains how to be more courageous in speaking up about bad behavior, from offensive speech to harmful actions. On behalf of Greater Good Science Center. When I was in college, my boss drove me to a meeting. He had trouble finding a parking place — and, when he realized we were going to be late, pulled into a handicapped parking spot. As we got out of the car, he turned to me, grinned, and started limping. I fully knew that what he did was wrong. And I said nothing. My failure to call out my boss is hardly unique. Yet like most people, if you’d asked me beforehand if I’d have the courage to do the right thing — to confront someone who uses a racist slur or engages in derogatory behavior — I would have said yes. But in reality, most of us fail to step up when actually facing such a situation. Why? One factor that inhibits speaking up is our fear of the consequences. Will it cost me a promotion or a raise? Will I lose a friendship, get a reputation as a troublemaker, or be excluded from subsequent family gatherings or meetings? I needed a letter of reference from my boss; I didn’t want to hurt my chances for a strong recommendation. I’m not alone in having such fears: Many people knew for decades about the horrific behavior of entertainment executive Harvey Weinstein… and they said nothing. They feared, and probably rightly so, that reporting his repeated acts of sexual assault would have dire professional consequences. They stayed silent, and his behavior, of course, continued. Would you call someone out for bad behaviour? Another factor is confusion about what we’re actually seeing or hearing. Is that comment at the office a harmless joke, or is it racist and offensive? Is that spat a minor quarrel, or a serious case of domestic violence? Ambiguous situations like these make it harder for people to step up and act, because we don’t want to appear stupid or overly sensitive. Social psychologists have consistently found that people are far more willing to take action in the case of a clear emergency than when they find themselves in an ambiguous situation. In one study, researchers compared rates of helping for those who heard an ambiguous emergency (a loud crash in another room) versus an unambiguous one (a loud crash followed by groans of pain). Those who heard the crash and the groan were much more likely to help. RELATED: Moral courage – 5 ways to stand up against hate Inaction in ambiguous situations is partially driven by worry that our behavior will be judged by others. It helps explain why only 19 per cent of people intervene when they see a fight between a man and a woman when they believe they are watching a romantic quarrel (because the woman yells out “I never should have married you”), whereas 65 per cent of people intervene when they believe they are watching a fight between strangers (when the woman yells out “I don’t know you”). While intervening in a potentially violent conflict between strangers seems clearly the right thing to do, interfering in a domestic dispute may just cause awkwardness and embarrassment for all parties. When facing an ambiguous situation, our natural tendency is to look to others to figure out what’s going on. But here’s the problem: If each person is looking to the people around them to act, and no one wants to risk feeling foolish and embarrassed, the problematic comment or behavior may be left unchallenged. And this silence conveys a lack of concern, or even tacit acquiescence, making it far more likely that it will continue. “Social psychologists have consistently found that people are far more willing to take action in the case of a clear emergency than when they find themselves in an ambiguous situation.” One of my students – a male varsity basketball player – once told me that every day in the locker room, someone says something offensive. Then he wondered aloud, “Why do I sometimes say something and sometimes I don’t?” He recognized that what he was hearing was offensive, but also that he didn’t always speak up. What he probably didn’t understand was that in all likelihood some of his teammates also felt uncomfortable with these comments but, like him, felt more comfortable being silent, at least some of the time. Though we all imagine ourselves as courageous people who’d do the right thing, it’s not so simple. Over the last few months, we’ve seen multiple examples illustrating the challenge of calling out bad behavior in the case of mask wearing. If you see someone in a store not wearing a mask, do you speak up? You could – and you probably should – but you may worry about whether that person would become aggressive, or whether it’s your place to do so. Or how about if you notice a store clerk asking a customer to put on a mask, and see a confrontation escalating? Should you get involved? Again, you may worry about the potential consequences, such as increasing the spread of potentially infected saliva as more and more people talk. But the good news is we can hone specific skills for challenging bad behavior when we need to. Here are some science-based tips. 1. Find a short and clear way of expressing concern or disapproval This helps you avoid getting embroiled in a lengthy “teachable moment” or humiliating the other person. It simply identifies that the comment or action isn’t OK – for the person engaging in the behavior and for those observing it. One study examining responses to homophobic comments in the workplace found that the most effective type of confrontation was calm but direct: “Hey, that’s not cool.” A similar approach could be used for almost any type of harmful behavior, from calling out someone for using offensive language to intervening when a colleague is rude to a coworker. Openly expressing disapproval clearly communicates what isn’t acceptable, an essential first step in creating new social norms. 2. Assume that a comment is sarcastic and identify it as such Sometimes you can disarm a speaker by assuming they are only being sarcastic. So, for example, you could respond to a sexist comment about the hazards of voting for a woman by saying, “I know you’re just trying to be funny, but some people really do think that women are too emotional to be president!” Your response clarifies that you disagree with the comment, but it doesn’t make the person who made the remark appear stupid or bad. 3. Make the discomfort about you, not them One way of doing this is to reveal a personal connection to explain your reaction to an insensitive remark. You could say, “I was raised in the Catholic church so that comment is hard for me to hear,” or “A close friend of mine was sexually assaulted in high school, so jokes about rape make me uncomfortable.” This reduces the risk that you will make the person feel bad or defensive, but it also clearly indicates that their comment or behavior was wrong. 4. Actively play out different types of responses to offensive remarks or problematic behavior Learning different techniques for confronting bias or unethical behavior can make a difference, but it’s not enough to learn skills and strategies; it’s essential to practise using them. Practising helps reduce inhibitions about speaking up and makes responding feel more normal. It also increases our confidence that we can intervene in a real-world situation. Find a clear and short way to show disapproval shutterstock/Mix and Match Studio This is why the most effective programs for helping bystanders speak up – in schools, universities, and workplaces – not only provide training on how to handle difficult situations but also give people opportunities to practice these skills by roleplaying various scenarios. 5. Find a friend who shares your concern Doug McAdam, a sociologist at Stanford University, found that what best predicts when someone will challenge prevailing social norms, even at great personal risk, is not having to do so alone. The downfall of Theranos (a company that made fraudulent claims about blood testing) started when two employees spoke out together about their concerns, even though they knew they would face potentially lasting personal and professional repercussions. For those of us who aren’t naturally courageous, finding a friend to stand by our side can be essential. 6. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes In 1999, Kathryn Bolkovac, a former police officer, was working as a human rights investigator with the United Nations International Police Task Force in Bosnia and Herzegovina when she discovered that some fellow officers were engaging in sexual misconduct. They were hiring prostitutes and raping underage girls, and were involved in sex trafficking. When she reported these offenses to higher-ups, she was demoted and then fired. (In 2002, she won her lawsuit for wrongful termination.) What led her to speak up? For Bolkovac, a mother of three, one factor was the personal connection she felt to the girls who were being abused. As she told National Public Radio, “I’d be lying if I said there certainly weren’t moments when the children – my own girls – were going through my mind.” Speaking up and risking the consequences can be far easier if you can see the world from someone else’s perspective. Some people may naturally empathize with others, but we can all learn to be more empathic by deliberately expending the time and energy to cultivate empathy. After all, if you were being bullied or sexually assaulted, wouldn’t you want someone to stand up and help you? We can all learn to speak up in the face of bad behavior. If enough of us do so, we can change the culture to one of courage and action instead of silence and inaction. What would it take to create a culture in which we are expected to act when we hear offensive language, witness sexual misconduct, or see workplace fraud? Sometimes just a single voice can be enough, especially when that one person gives others the courage to speak up. • Main image: shutterstock/Krackenimages.com This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is grateful to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Many of us are guilty of self-criticism, and this trait ultimately makes us weaker and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, pulls us to a larger, kinder place. Ann Vrlak explores the benefits of self-love meditation and gives you a practice to get started with. Self-love. Does the phrase make you relax and smile, or does it make you cringe? Your reaction to this question will tell you a lot about yourself and if self-love meditation is something you may want to try. Being critical of ourselves, having a lot of negative self-talk, is unfortunately all too common. But, that doesn’t make it any less damaging to our sense of well-being and happiness. Indeed, self-criticism is intimately linked with not feeling worthy of love. Somehow, somewhere along the line, many of us learned that we have to earn love, rather than it being our birthright. We feel we have to be perfect to be loved. The problem is there’s no such thing as human perfection. Interestingly, in a conversation with Western psychotherapists, the Dalai Lama was puzzled by the concept of “low self-esteem” – it was not something he recognized in Tibetan culture at all! Self-love: the two wings of meditation Your head and your heart are the two wings of meditation. The head provides step-by-step practices, context and an understanding of the goals of meditation. The heart is the environment, the space you bring to meditation. If you follow a practice, step by step, but feel unloving and self-critical, it will be an ineffectual practice indeed, not to mention a subtle kind of self-punishment. Better not to meditate at all! Reduce tension and build strength through self-love meditation Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others. And don’t be fooled: self-love builds strength. Self-love or self-compassion has an undeserved reputation as being weak or self-indulgent. Not so. Indeed, one expert in self-compassion, Kristen Neff, makes the case for the opposite: that it builds resilience, self-awareness and compassion for others. What are the benefits of self-love meditation? Here are just a few of the advantages to practising self-love meditation. Incorporate it into your daily schedule and you should start to feel some of the following benefits: 1. Reduces tension and anxiety Self-criticism or self-judgment feels just like criticism or judgement from someone else. It causes anger, sadness or even fear, and causes tension and anxiety. Practising self-love meditation literally helps your nervous system relax and feel safe. 2. It feels better! Continuing on from the last point: who would you prefer to spend time with? Someone who criticizes what you think, how you look, how you act? Or, someone who’s curious about you, is kind, and treats you with respect and compassion? If you prefer the latter – spoiler alert! – you can treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? 3. Brings your unconscious self-criticism into the light Many, many people resist self-love meditations. Why? Because, as I’ve already mentioned, self-criticism is seen as “normal,” to some extent at least. There are many possible reasons for this that are outside the scope of this article! For now, it’s enough to know that practising self-love meditation will show you where you are on the spectrum of self-love to self-criticism. If you are nearer to the self-criticism end, that is not something to criticize yourself for. “Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others.” Meditation is a tool for self-knowledge. If your self-love meditation shows you your unconscious habit of negative self-talk, it’s OK, you’re not alone! You can start to notice this self-talk, how it makes you feel and how it affects what you do. And if you want to make things better. 4. Builds strength Self-criticism essentially makes you smaller and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, takes you to a larger, kinder viewpoint on yourself. You see your ‘weaknesses’ or limitations without feeling threatened by them. This makes change and growth something you’re naturally drawn to do – you can choose it consciously from a healthy place. 5. Rest our minds We use our minds so much, we can forget to feel. It’s healthy to ‘unplug’ your mind and remember what is most important to you. Is it to feel happy? To feel safe and loved? A self-love meditation is a simple and powerful way to take quality time for yourself, let your mind rest and immerse yourself in love and respect. A self-love meditation practice You can do this practice sitting or lying down. Get comfortable and start by following your breath for a few minutes. When you’re feeling relaxed, notice any emotions you’re having in the moment. In particular, is there any slight feeling of upset or unhappiness that you can find? For your first few sessions of the practice, it’s best to work with something small, but you be the judge of what you’re up for. If nothing comes up right now, you can bring to mind a recent situation that caused you a bit of emotional turmoil. For a few breaths, notice where that emotion is located. You might feel sadness in your throat, for example, or anger in your solar plexus. See where you physically feel your emotion most strongly. Be specific. And notice the thoughts that accompany the emotion. Do you have thoughts of self-blame, regret or unworthiness? Now, repeat one of the following statements silently or out loud. If none of the statements feel right to you, that’s OK. See if you can find another that fits and has the same message of attention and caring. Here’s the first statement. “I see you [name your emotion]. That sounds really hard, I’m sorry.” Here’s another: “I’m here. Stay as long as you like [name your emotion], you’re welcome here.” Or: “I see you [name your emotion]. I love you.” If you have resistance to these statements, welcome to the club! See if you can feel the intention and meaning of one of these statements, even for a few seconds. What does it feel like to turn toward your own discomfort with a caring attention, rather than turning away from it, or minimizing or judging it? And if you just can’t feel any self-love toward yourself, toward your own pain, does that evoke some self-compassion in you? How hard is it to move through life in this way? When you feel resistance or judgement about the practice itself, include that, too: “I see you resistance. That must be hard. I’m sorry.” You can picture someone you care about having the emotion you’re experiencing. Can you feel the compassion you naturally want to give them and direct it to yourself? Is it actually true that they are worthy of love, but you are not? It helps to realize your common humanity: whatever upsetting or difficult emotion you’re experiencing right now, there are people all over the world experiencing the same thing. Suffering in big and small ways is just part of being human; it’s not a punishment. Recognizing that many of us are worried about our aging parents or about losing our job can soften your heart toward yourself and others. Keep feeling your uncomfortable emotion and saying your loving statement. If the words just get in the way, just see if you can feel love in your heart. Let love come into contact with your suffering. Continue the practice as long as it feels comfortable, watching and listening closely for how self-love feels for you. Conclusion: self-love meditation Self-love meditation can uncover perspectives and insights that you can’t see when you’re criticizing yourself. Do this practice as a kind of call and response. Send out self-love in your chosen statement and watch for a response. If you’re not used to sending yourself love, the response could be very small or very fleeting – part of you may not “believe” what you’re sending or not want to accept it. So, really watch for, listen to, and feel any response from your heart and body: a softening, a sense of relief, a bit of gratitude. Those small signs are seeds you can nurture each time you practice self-love meditation. Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Burnout | Stress management | Mindfulness Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

In our busy, modern world it's all to easy to get distracted from the task in hand. Ann Vrlak outlines how meditation practices can improve your focus and boost concentration levels so you can get the job done and feel happier. A desire to improve mental focus is one of the most common reasons people want to learn meditation. In fact, improving concentration and focus may be more relevant to your everyday life than you think! There are two ingredients in a strong ability to focus: being able to direct your attention where you want it to be and keeping it there for a sustained period of time, regardless of anything else that might want to grab your attention. So, you need a stable, calm focus for things like: A work project you’re in charge of at the office. An important conversation with your partner or child. A creative project you're excited about. Thinking about work life balance, what’s most important to you and how you want to spend your precious time and energy. In all of these everyday situations, you just can’t be at your best when your mind is scattered: You won’t be able to move your project forward without the ability to focus on one thing at a time. If you can’t focus in a conversation, people won’t feel heard and that can cause disconnection and conflict with the people closest to you. Creativity invites you to go beneath the surface and connect with something deeper inside you that wants to be expressed. It’s very hard to do that when your mind is cluttered. To make wise, meaningful life decisions you need to hold many things in your focus: your intentions, values and hopes. You can improve focus at work with meditative techniques Luckily, focus is one of the core skills you learn through meditation. Each time you sit, you practise both parts of focus: putting your attention where you want it and keeping it there, in spite of any distractions. Why you might find it hard to focus When you practise meditation for focus, especially if you’re a beginner, you start to recognize what focus feels like and what lack of focus feels like, too! You learn what your unique distractions are: it could be anxiety, boredom, food, worry, or something else. You’ll learn, each time you sit to meditate, what keeps you from being present and focused. RELATED: Why Can't I Focus? 8 Tips on How to Avoid Distractions That’s because meditation is a mirror, and it will show you how your mind operates, but usually outside of your conscious awareness. Once you are aware of it, you can begin to investigate, to understand and, if you want, to change or to heal. I don’t want you to think that your imperfect ability to focus is a personal failing. There are many pressures in the modern world that make it extra hard for us to see focus as something worthwhile, never mind being able to improve our focus. “Focus is one of the core skills you learn through meditation. Each time you sit, you practise both parts of focus: putting your attention where you want it and keeping it there, in spite of any distractions.” First of all, multitasking is very much the norm these days. Add in anxiety and stress, which are increasing in all age groups, even including children, sadly, and the ability to focus becomes harder still. Furthermore, thanks to the overabundance of information and entertainment channels available to us, we have all become conditioned to high levels of stimulation and information input. Experts say this information onslaught just isn’t healthy for our nervous system: it radically shortens our attention span and although we often turn to these outlets to relax, in fact, they increase anxiety levels. You can see how all these factors could work against your desire to strengthen your focus! Meditation for focus The great news is there are many meditations to strengthen your focus, and help calm your overstimulated brain. Practising meditation for focus also increases your confidence and self-esteem. When you’re able to stay with the task in front of you and bring more of your skills and resources to it, you’re not only more productive, but more satisfied with the process. The journey is as enjoyable as the destination. You can use just about anything as an object of focus in meditation, but I’ll describe two proven practices you can try. There are many more, but you can do these practices anywhere and anytime you have a few minutes – even when you’re sitting in traffic or waiting at the doctor’s. Mantra Repetition of a mantra is the oldest form of meditation and is used in Vedic meditation. You choose a mantra, which traditionally is a Sanskrit word but doesn’t need to be, and repeat the mantra out loud or silently to yourself for a period of practice. Mantra practice takes you into a focused space of sound and sensation. OM, the primordial mantra, is one simple and powerful mantra to use. It is said to be the sound of the universe that animates everything on earth. If you prefer to use words you’re more familiar with, you can repeat words or phrases like, “Peace,” “May all beings be happy” or “Be kind in all things.” .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } So Hum meditation for focus YouTube/Chopra Breath Meditation for focus practices that use the breath are the most common. They’re wonderful practices because wherever you go, you have your breath! Focusing on your breath is incredibly calming for your nervous system, while also leading your attention away from your mind. One of my favourite breath practices is the Box Breath. Each side of the box represents one part of a breath cycle–the inbreath, holding your breath, your outbreath and holding your breath again – and each is done for count of four. This practice is so powerful that even Navy SEALS use it in high stress situations where it’s crucial to relax and jumpstart their minds into a high level of alertness. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } xx xxx Meditation for focus through breathing YouTube/MyLife For both practices, the instructions are the same. Sit in a comfortable, but also alert position, ideally with your eyes closed. Start to pay attention to your chosen object of focus and do your best to keep your attention there. When your attention moves to something else, which it definitely will, the practice is to notice and gently, without judgment, bring your attention back to your object. Repeat, for as long as you like. That’s it! This practice is harder than it sounds, however. One reason is the overstimulation I mentioned that makes it quite difficult to focus on one thing for long. Another reason is almost everyone who tries this practice will think they’ve done something wrong when their mind wanders. They criticize themselves and feel reassured of their inability to focus. “When you practise meditation for focus, especially if you’re a beginner, you start to recognize what focus feels like and what lack of focus feels like, too!” So, there are two keys to this practice: To understand that a wandering attention is exactly what the practice is about; it’s not something you’re doing wrong. When you notice you have wandered and bring your attention back, be kind and matter-of-fact about it. Don’t let negative self-talk creep in to your mind and heart. Conclusion: meditation for focus Modern culture really doesn’t value being focused on one thing very much. Many of us have learned that more is better and multitasking is best. If you find that meditation for focus is hard, remember that “it’s not just you.” Give yourself a chance to relearn the benefits of an uncluttered, focused mind for your productivity, well-being, creativity and connections with people that are important to you. • Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME Studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ read our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mindfulness | Happiness | Vulnerability Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

What are the signs of self-sabotaging in relationships and why do we often undermine our possibilities of a successful romance? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the logic behind self-sabotage in couples and offers some practical solutions. Self-sabotage is acting in a way that undermines our achievements and daily living. We can be and often are doing this in various areas of life. You could be self-sabotaging if you keep eating junk food instead of a healthy diet. If you oversleep almost every exam, or if you are constantly late for job interviews. In relationships, self-sabotaging behaviour means actively trying to ruin the relationship, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously. It can happen with friendships, family relationships, or in romantic couplings. In this article, we will focus on how and why we self-sabotage romantic relationships when in reality we really want to be in that relationship. Signs of self-sabotage in relationships What does self-sabotaging in a relationship look like? Could you be doing it without even realising it? Here are six ways you could be unintentionally looking to destroy your relationship. Not addressing adverse emotions Every relationship will sometimes spark anger, anxiety, frustration, dissatisfaction. Ideally, these emotions will be addressed in a constructive conversation with your partner. However, when you are not willing to do so, it could be a sign of self-sabotage, as a recent study found. Extreme suspiciousness It’s normal to get insecure in a relationship from time to time. Doubts about your partner’s commitment and faithfulness could creep in. However, if you are not responding to reassurance – and there is no easing your suspicion– you could be self-sabotaging the relationship Extreme criticism Expressing your expectations and needs is not only normal – it is a prerequisite of healthy relationships. Yet, you could be overly critical. This happens when you are actively searching for everything that is “wrong” with your partner. Also, if you are not providing constructive criticism and suggestions on how to mend the things you don’t like, it can be considered extreme criticism. Constantly nagging in this way creates a wedge between you and your partner and sabotages the relationship Holding grudges Most relationships come with some level of hurt here and there. Those that succeed, research shows, use such occurrences to grow. Partners learn, talk, forgive and self-forgive, change for the better. If you decide to hold a grudge instead of working on forgiving the offence, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. Bearing grudges is a sign of relationship self-sabotage shutterstock/Olena Yakobchuk Breaking promises Life happens, and we cannot always keep our promises. We’ll come late, forget to buy groceries, miss the date night and work instead. However, when you do this regularly, it could be a sign of you unconsciously trying to make your partner so dissatisfied that they will end the relationship. Avoiding physical intimacy Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy. The idea of the sizzling passion that lasts for ever promoted in media is unrealistic and puts unnecessary pressure on couples. Although the topic is extensive, we can say that physical intimacy means much more than mindblowing, fulfilling and happy sex all the time. Indeed, any level of physical intimacy in a relationship can be normal and satisfying for the couple. However, you could find yourself beginning to avoid the usual form of intimacy and physical affection in your relationship. And this might be a sign of withdrawing and self-sabotaging. Why do we self-sabotage relationships? Relationship issues are one of the top reasons people seek a psychologist’s help. And the causes of a dysfunctional relationship are many. But one factor that often connects many forms of seemingly senseless actions in unhealthy relationships is self-sabotaging behaviour. Here is a typical example. You meet the 'perfect' person. You fall in love and do everything you can to make them yours. They’re an ideal partner – loving, full of kindness, inspiring, passionate, selfless. But now, all of a sudden, you seem to be doing your best to ruin the relationship. It doesn’t make much sense, right? So, why do we do it? “Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy.” A 2019 study published in the Journal of Relationship Research brought together the findings and observations of 15 Australian relationships psychologists, giving us insight into the intricate world of self-sabotaging relationships of a romantic nature. The researchers detected six key sources of self-handicapping behaviour in intimate relationships: 1. Fear of getting hurt Most commonly, people consciously or unconsciously try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage. For example, let’s say you got deeply wounded in one of your previous relationships. If you didn’t address the pain in a healthy way, it might be controlling your actions in all subsequent relationships. So, instead of allowing your partner to see your vulnerability, you could be creating conflict. Being angry all the time, stonewalling, or cheating are some of the proven strategies to damage a relationship. The reasoning here is simple: “If I ruin the relationship, I can’t get hurt”. 2. Insecure attachment style The blueprint of our adult relationships gets developed in childhood. How our parents related to us will eventually transfer to our way of relating to others. A 2019 study determined that romantic self-saboteurs are most commonly those who underwent attachment trauma in childhood. If your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, you are likely to sabotage your relationships. The reason is, again, to avoid the prospect of being abandoned or hurt by your partner. 3. Low self-esteem In the roots of many self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships is the belief that we are unworthy of love. Being overly self-critical can transfer to how we relate to others in our lives. If you see yourself as hopeless and helpless, you probably won’t even try to deal with a problem or mend a disagreement. In other words, you will allow your relationship to decay, sabotaging it with passivity. When your self-esteem is low, you will probably expect your partner to find another, and succumb to jealousy fits as a result. Alternatively, you could also accept being belittled all the time. Therefore, you could seek toxic, often narcissistic partners, and self-sabotage your chances of healthy relationships. Trust and communication are essential shutterstock/oneinchpunch 4. Beliefs about relationships in general One possible cause of self-sabotaging relationships relates to our preconceptions about how a partnership should look like. A 2012 study confirmed that when couples believe in myths about love and marriage, these misconceptions can negatively impact relationships. It can be any of the two extreme beliefs about partnerships – that they are an inevitable cause of pain – or a fairytale. In both cases, such presumptions and associated anticipations sabotage your chances of developing authentic intimacy. Indeed, you will find yourself acting on those expectations without really testing them in reality. People whose beliefs are set in stone are often inflexible. There is no place for compromise or organic growth of love. There is little room for spontaneity. In that way, those people inevitably destroy their relationships. 5. Underdeveloped coping mechanisms All relationships hit hurdles. Whether it’s day-to-day stressors or a massive crisis – every relationship will go through tough times at some point. Indeed, according to a 2021 study, lack of resilience and self-efficacy was found to trigger self-sabotaging behaviour in romantic relationships. “Most commonly, people try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage.” If you are not prepared to handle conflicts, you could, for example, emotionally withdraw and shut down. Alternatively, you could get defensive, needy and clingy. Furthermore, an affair, for some, presents a sort of a safe escape from having to deal with fights or crises. So, when you cannot cope with stress in a relationship, you could be actively ruining it. 6. Avoiding commitment A way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to stick to brief relationships – no real commitment. When you initiate a relationship and then end it before it gets serious, you remain in control. Or, so you think. Who is actually in control is the self-saboteur – and this is not your authentic self. In fact, it’s merely your defense mechanism. How to stop self-sabotaging relationships As mentioned earlier, we will not be talking about the relationships you truly wish to leave for whatever reason. We will be looking into why and how you keep self-sabotaging relationships you do want to be in. So, how can you stop being self-destructive when it comes to your love life? Understand the hidden saboteur We gave you six evidence-based reasons why people self-sabotage their romantic endeavors. If you want to stop ruining your relationships, you need to understand why it is you felt you needed to do so in the first place. Set aside some time to do some soul-searching and explore your hidden reasons. Dig deep and really ask yourself 'why' a few times over. Learn about your attachment styles Attachment styles can have a massive impact on our adult relationships. Indeed, you and your partner’s attachment styles could dictate how you relate to each other. To steer your interactions in another way, start by taking a quick relationship attachment style test. When you become aware of your style and how it affects you, you can begin to change the patterns and transform your relationship. Communicate This advice will never get old: communicate. Do it assertively, openly, gently and respectfully. Be direct and genuine. Avoid casting blame – express yourself and your perspective and feelings. Start your sentences with “I feel…”, “To me, it seems as if…”. Explain your position and how you feel in a particular situation, then propose a solution, and ask your partner how they feel about it. Good communication in a relationship is essential to its survival. Seek counselling Self-sabotage often comes from deeply ingrained patterns we can’t clearly notice ourselves. Significant romantic relationships have a way of triggering the unconscious fears and expectations that waited for the right time to appear. Counselling can help you (and your partner) to bring that unconscious content to the light of the day, address it, and regain control over your life and relationships. The takeaway: ditch the saboteur We all have a saboteur hiding somewhere inside of us. It’s not a villain. It’s merely a part of us trying to protect us from harm the best way it knows how. However, if you want to control your life – including your love life – you need to thank this part of you for its contribution and say goodbye to it. Stop self-sabotaging relationships and embrace the new you when it comes to romance: awaken and brave. • Please bear in mind that the list doesn’t cover all the nuances of how people sabotage their relationship chances. If you suspect you could be self-sabotaging, consider seeking out a psychologist’s help to assist you in figuring out your feelings and behaviour. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Healthy habits | Relationship advice | Self care | Quality time Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

October was full of feel-good environmental and health stories – but you may have missed them given all the negative news currently in the press. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten feel-good news stories from the past month to uplift and inspire. October may have been rainy and dreary in many parts of the world with nothing but negative news feeds to add to the misery. However, there were plenty of feel-good stories you may have missed this autumn. Here are my Top 10 picks from the past month. 1. Morning exercise could combat cancer In a report published in Medical News Today, it's suggested that people who exercise before work – in fact, perhaps any time before mid-morning – are less likely to develop cancer. This compares well to people who do not exercise regularly at all as well as those who do their exercises after lunch and in the evening. The research behind the findings was published in the International Journal of Cancer following several years of research in the USA. 2. Mental health improved by good teacher-pupil relationships It's said you should always be respectful to your teachers and now it seems we have evidence to suggest why! A report in the Daily Mail stated that people with a good relationship with their teachers are less likely to suffer from mental health disorders such as depression or anxiety. The news story cited Korean research which was conducted over the course of 13 years, following students from their school days into their young adulthood. Those who reported good teacher relationships were found to be in better mental health on average than others. 3. Giant new coral reef discovered As coral reefs are in global decline, the discovery of a new one should bring happiness to more than marine biologists. Thankfully, just such a discovery has been off the coast of Australia. According to the Times, researchers on board of a scientific vessel named Falkor found the reef some 40 metres beneath the surface. The reef is estimated to be 20 million years old and is in very good health. What's even more staggering is that the 400-metre long reef rises from the ocean floor, over half a kilometre down. This means that the corals that form the reef appear to be stacked on one another to a height that would match the Empire State Building in New York if it were to be above ground instead of beneath the waves! Coral comeback: a new reef has been discovered shutterstock/Ethan Daniels 4. Seagrass restoration project hailed a success In other feel-good underwater news, according to a report in Science News, the world's largest seagrass restoration project has far exceeded expectations. Although the project has been ongoing for the last two decades, researchers announced in October that their efforts had grown from a patch of 200 hectares on the sea bed to over 3,600. To put that into context, the Virginia Institute of Marine Science believes the only other comparable project, one in Australia, covers a total area of just ten hectares. Not only does seagrass make the water clearer, but it also provides a natural habitat for many marine lifeforms. It also stores carbon, something that will help in the fight against climate change. 5. Insomnia treatment found... and it's simple! Insomnia is one of those conditions that can have a debilitating effect and yet there are not many treatments available which don't involve medication. Anyone who has trouble dropping off will be interested to hear that a new research paper published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine has found that people who sleep under a weighted blanket – as opposed to a traditional duvet – are more likely to enjoy a restful night. Indeed, it's reported that this technique is much more likely to have an impact on better sleep compared to just about any other sleep-inducing products on the market today. RELATED: Can't sleep? 14 fixes to get a good night's rest 6. Protein shakes are good for the brain Scientists at the University of Illinois have discovered that protein shakes aid cognitive abilities. Drinking protein has long been the preserve of athletes and bodybuilders because it allows them to build bulk without necessarily adding weight. However, psychology professor Aron Barbey has found that these drinks also help the brain to function better. When protein shakes are combined with a healthy exercise regime, people can retain information better and gain a faster response to tests. Compared to people taking a placebo, the study found that so-called working memory functions are much improved thanks to the shakes. According to Barbey, protein shakes enhance several measures of cognitive function while also promoting better physical conditioning. Shake it up: protein drinks can boost memory functions shutterstock/vectorfusionart 7. Solar energy now the norm in South Australia Strong suns are often associated with Australia, but usually in the tropical north of the country. However, in October, South Australia saw most of its electrical generating capacity come from solar sources for the first time. Indeed for a short time during the month, all of the state's power requirements were being met from solar installations alone. This is a quite remarkable feat given that so much of South Australia's solar generation comes from relatively modest rooftop solar arrays. “Never before has an area the size of South Australia been completely served by solar power before,” said Audrey Zibelman, CEO of the Australian Energy Market Operator. Significantly, Zibelman went on to add that ordinary consumers’ solar installations contributed over three-quarters of the electrical output during peak demand. 8. Solar panel design could boost output dramatically And there's more feel-good news around solar energy this month. According to the University of York, solar power could become even more efficient thanks to a novel 3D design. A team at the university partnered with colleagues at NOVA University of Lisbon to come up with a solar panel that is thinner and lighter than conventional ones. It also makes use of a checker board design, meaning up to 125 per cent more light could be absorbed. It's hoped that the design will mean solar power becomes much easier to deploy in new situations while operating more efficiently than before. 9. AI deployed in fight against Alzheimer's Alzheimer's disease is not always easy to diagnose in its early stages. This is why artificial intelligence (AI) is now being used to help medical professionals. According to the BBC, AI systems look at a person's responses to a particular image. The algorithm is able to learn what normal responses are as well as those which might indicate the presence of the degenerative disease. It's hoped that it could lead to more successful diagnoses – up to 15 years earlier than would otherwise be possible. RELATED: Cognitive impairment – 5 ways to reduce the risk as you age 10. Wind may be the future of ocean-going freight Wind power looks set to make a commercial return as a new cargo ship is in development that will run without the need for fossil fuels. Instead, the vessel – which will be able to carry 7,000 vehicles from port to port – will have retractable solid sails that will help it to manoeuvre around the seven seas powered by nothing other than naturally occurring winds. As reported in Popular Mechanics, the sails look more like aircraft wings than old-fashioned canvas sails. However, they could be behind all sorts of future green transport if the design is found to be a success. • Main image: shutterstock/ALEX_UGALEK happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Positive news | Mindfulness | Nature | Biology | Biotechnology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

From laughing at yourself to reminding yourself of looming death, some secrets of happiness are shared in this bitesize 60-second video from The School of Life. So, take a minute (literally) to watch it... it could change your life for good! The secrets of happiness are not as complicated as you might think. We love this arty, 60-second video by The School of Life, that explains it all in simple steps. Definitely worth a watch! .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The secrets of happiness at a glance: Stop being so hopeful. Look at the glass as half-empty and be grateful when something good happens. A lot of people go around thinking that life is a bowl of cherries. It isn’t. Stop ranting about how awful other people are. Most people aren’t evil. Accept that other people have bad days too and that it has nothing to do with you. Think of death a lot. Keep a skull on your table. A subtle reminder to use your time wisely and appreciate the time you’ve already been given. Thanks, death! Laugh at yourself. You’re not the idiot you think you are. You’re lovable and laughable. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Make regular appointments to talk with someone you don’t normally check in with a lot: YOU! What do you really want? What are you really anxious about? When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Stop the impossible task of trying to make yourself happy. Concentrate on cheering other people up. Seeing happiness in other people helps you to cheer up, too! Look at things from a different and far away perspective. Like from space. Things will look the size they always should’ve been – tiny and insignificant. Throw your phone off a cliff for a bit. Talk to your partner, your mother, or anyone else close to you. Chances are you’ve been bent over that thing all day and haven’t even noticed that the sun is shining. Give up on the idea that you should be normal. The only normal people are people you don’t know yet. Everyone is weird and that’s totally okay. Love your weirdness. Which of these get-happy tips do you agree with you? Do you have any keys to happiness? Comment below! ● Main image: The School of Life/YouTube.com Written by Tine Steiss Tine is part of the happiness.com team. She's an artist, meditator, media engineer and MBSR teacher. If she's not traveling she's working on turning her rooftop terrace into a garden paradise. Find out more about her on: Instagram.

Habits are key to achieving your goals — but only if you don’t get tired of them, research suggests. By CAROLINE BENNER on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. Along the Pacific Crest Trail, hikers who set out to complete the entire 2,650 miles from Mexico to Canada are especially vulnerable to quitting at two points: around mile 100 and mile 1,000. Those who make it past mile 100 are the hikers who carve out new habits amid the challenge of their new lives: wake up, eat Pop-Tart, stuff tent into pack, walk. Wearing clothes clammy with yesterday’s sweat, squatting behind a tree to go to the bathroom, and eating ramen for dinner every night become the norm. But hikers who establish those useful on-trail habits tend to get bored of them as soon as the novelty and challenge are gone. This disenchantment often hits around mile 1,000, at the beginning of Northern California. Hiker Claire Henley Miller, who ended up quitting at mile 1,232 in 2015, described this phenomenon in her book: “It began as something new and invigorating and had lasted in this way for many suns and moons. But now, after participating in mile after mile of this one continuous event, the journey had turned into a mundane chore of waking, walking, and setting up camp; an ongoing cycle of wash, rinse, repeat.” XXX shutterstock/271 EAK MOTO “Why did I end my hike with only 250 miles until Canada?” 2015 hiker Brett Pallastrini asked in his journal. “I was done hiking. I was mentally over it.” Whether hiking a trail or pursuing other projects, the feeling of being “over it” can be so strong that we abandon goals that once excited us, even goals that we have the potential to achieve. Research into our emotional experiences around habits can help explain this phenomenon and keep us on track with our goals. The downside of habits Habits, those automated actions we repeat at regular intervals, help us achieve goals. Want to lose weight? Make a habit of eating breakfast instead of skipping it. Want to write a novel? Make it a habit to wake up a half hour early and write. The link between habits and goals is so compelling that it has generated multiple bestselling books. What no one mentions — but those Pacific Crest Trail hikers saw — is that those same habits that you establish to achieve your goals can turn on you. When we get too accustomed to a particular behavior we perform en route to a goal, we are more likely to quit. Like a marriage that has gone stale after too many years together, our goal becomes boring, and we look for new thrills. In one study, University of Southern California psychology and business professor Wendy Wood and her colleagues asked college students to record what they were doing at one-hour intervals for a day or two: studying, exercising, or socializing, for example. They also asked students how they felt about that behavior on a scale that ranged from very negative to very positive. “Whether hiking a trail or pursuing other projects, the feeling of being 'over it' can be so strong that we abandon goals that once excited us, even goals that we have the potential to achieve.” Wood found that when performing habitual behaviors, students reported feeling less intense emotions — and, in particular, less pride. This was true even when the behaviors had once been enjoyable, like watching TV or hanging out with friends. It was also true for behaviors that were important to achieving long-term goals, Wood says. Working and studying, two activities that contribute to a future career, were not especially pleasant or unpleasant for students when performed habitually. Wood explains this phenomenon, the so-called 'double law of habits': “Repetition has multiple effects,” she says. “One is to strengthen the memory trace for an action, so that habitual tendencies get stronger. The other is to weaken your emotional response (boredom starts), so that you are no longer getting much kick from what you are doing.”
 Even habits as longstanding and simple as brushing your teeth are plagued by the habituation problem, Wood says. If you give people toothbrushes that monitor when they brush their teeth, you find that most people brush consistently in the morning, to eliminate bad breath, but evening tooth-brushing gets neglected when they are too tired or busy. “We speculate that people whose lives are characterized by large proportions of habitual behavior can find that their emotional experiences become dull and subdued over time,” write Wood and her colleagues. One of Wood’s graduate students is currently investigating this question further. How to combat habit boredom While there is plenty of advice on how to establish habits to help you meet your goals, there is little research about what to do when those habits get boring. So what do we do in the meantime? One way that people overcome this challenge is by figuring out how to add interest, fun, or passion back into those habits that move them toward their goal. You add passion back into a marriage by doing things you find fun together: going on date nights, for example. You can make habits compelling again in the same way. XXX For their 2015 hike, Catie Joyce-Bulay and her group downloaded a smartphone app with riddles — some of which took a day or two to solve. Her group also tried thinking of all the word combinations that PCT could stand for (Pina Colada Time, Partially Castrated Tiger). Other hikers turn their focus to blogging about the hike, or spend their hiking hours listening to books on tape they had always wanted to read — in other words, sharing their experiences with others or keeping their minds occupied. But beware: paradoxically, we sometimes reduce our enjoyment even further in attempting to reinvigorate our drive. It can be tempting to challenge yourself with new behaviors that set the bar higher; for example you might push yourself to work on your novel for 45 minutes every morning, instead of a half hour. But just making any change, even if it is a change that is beneficial for achieving your goal, doesn’t make an activity more engaging. “You want to change things up to make it more fun again, not less fun,” Wood says. Thinking hard about what makes something fun for you is vital. 
Focus on changing your behaviors so they bring you intrinsic joy, that sense that you love what you are doing and it is right for you. Université du Québec à Montréal professor Robert Vallerand’s work on harmonious passion finds that when we are engaged in activities that bring us that sense of joy, we tend to work harder and perform better. If you are able to introduce joy into the habits you perform en route to your goal, you may have greater success at reaching it. If your goal has gone stale, take a cue from the hikers and think about how to make it more compelling again. “Focus on changing your behaviors so they bring you intrinsic joy, that sense that you love what you are doing and it is right for you.” For example, say your goal is to eat more healthfully. After deciding to add more vegetables and whole grains to your diet, you’ve gotten into a good routine of cooking healthy dinners for the last few months. Suddenly, you find yourself ignoring your planned recipes and stopping by McDonald’s after work more and more often. Your habit of cooking a healthy dinner has turned on you; it became boring and drove you to McDonald’s. The solution? Sit down and brainstorm new ways to eat vegetables and whole grains that you would find appealing. Do you love going out to restaurants? Plan to go out to dinner twice a week for the next month and order only vegetable dishes. Do you think trying new recipes is fun? Challenge yourself to cook every grain recipe in the Joy of Cooking. Of course, we don’t want to adopt behaviors that will compromise our ability to achieve our goals. “The challenge,” Wood says, “is to figure out how to change things up enough in your head while still keeping up efficiency.” If every vegetable dish you order at restaurants is loaded with cream and cheese, the additional fat you’re adding to your diet might compromise your original goal to eat more healthfully. It is normal to be “over it” at some point as you work toward your goals. When this happens, you can decide to gut it out, or try to liven up the process. Adding fun back into a dull routine is a more successful strategy, especially when you’re further away from the finish line. • Main image: shutterstock/Seksan. TH happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Goal setting | Resilience | Motivation | Success | Courage Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Studies have shown that combining mindfulness with physical activity can help fight depression, rumination and anxiety. Our mindfulness expert Ann Vrlak looks at the benefits of mindful running and offers up six practical tips on how to do it. Have you heard of mindful running? Even if you’re not a regular runner, this combination of mindfulness and physical exercise may give you ideas on ways to bring mindfulness to another exercise to make it more powerful and enjoyable for you. What is mindful running? A common definition of mindfulness is gentle moment-to-moment awareness. When you practise mindfulness, you try to observe the thoughts, feelings, physical sensations or situations you find yourself in from one moment to the next. The key is gentle, curious attention. No criticism or judgment allowed! In the same way, people who practise mindful running pay attention to the moment while they are powering their body forward: to physical sensations, like their breath, the impact of their feet on the ground, the movements of their arms, and more. This focus takes the runner’s attention away from how far they’ve run, how far they have to go, what they have to do at work later, etc. Can you imagine how a marathoner would feel if all he or she was always thinking about how far they had to go? “ Only another 20K... another 19.5K...” Not much fun! Mindful running means no listening to music! shutterstock/NDAB Creativity The biggest plus of mindful running, and the reason it has really been catching on recently, is that it deepens and expands people’s experience of running – and of themselves. Many people run as a means to an end – they run to lose weight or reduce stress – rather than as an end in itself. So, turning running into an activity that is enjoyable is a win-win situation for runners! Mindful running: the benefits When you practise mindful running, you enjoy the usual, wonderful benefits of mindfulness: more connection to the moment, less distraction, stress-relief, more self-awareness, a sense of well-being – and more. Add the benefits of running and you have an activity that is a powerhouse for mind-body health. However, this isn't something completely new. Indeed, this kind of combination of mindfulness and physical activity is a long-standing tradition. For example, consider yoga. It's a practise that interweaves conscious physical movement with a mindful attitude. When you do yoga poses, you’re encouraged to observe and be with physical tension and relaxation, with the limits of your body and with how your attention changes your experience of your body. There is also an Eastern meditative tradition of walking meditation. This practice is taught as a practical way to link meditation to everyday activities. Students practise being mindful of every time their foot touches the earth, leaves the ground, pauses, and so on. “The biggest plus of mindful running, and the reason it has really been catching on recently, is that it deepens and expands people’s experience of running – and of themselves.” The benefits of this kind of activity has been backed up by science and there have been a few recent studies into this modern version of mindful, physical activity. For example, the combination of physical and mental effects of mindful running has led some to call it a “new therapy” for anxiety and depression. A 2018 study from the University of Southern California involving 158 college students concluded that mindful movement helps to lower anxiety and stress levels. Likewise, a 2016 study from Rutgers University, USA, involving 52 people found a strong correlation between mindful exercise and improved mental health. Participants had to carry out a 20 minute breath meditation followed by 10 minutes of walking meditation and then 30 minutes of aerobic exercise in the form of running on treadmills. Significantly, the 22 volunteers with depression reported a 40 per cent reduction in symptoms of the condition. In particular, there was much less inclination to ruminate over bad memories. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Furthermore, the benefits of mindful running can be felt while in the middle of doing it, and not just following the event. Footwear company Asics looked at how psychological factors affect running performance. It found some indications that calm minds can improve performance, and reduce heart rate and other measures of body stress. So, how do you run mindfully? Mindful running simply means being as present as you can while you are on the move. For example, rather than listening to music or watching TV on the treadmill, daydreaming or hoping the end of the run comes soon, you focus on your moment-to-moment experience: sensations in your body, the movement of your arms and legs, the feeling of your breath and, also, the activity of your mind. Here are some tips to help you put your best foot forward. 1. Start where you want to finish Before you start a run, before you even warm up, take a minute to calm your body and mind. Is running something you squeeze in after a work day? Or, is it something you “just want to get out of the way?” If this sounds like you, it will be important for you to take just two or three minutes to slow down and become present before your run. Here are two simple mindfulness practices you can try: Body scan This exercise can be done standing, sitting or lying down, with your eyes closed or open. Starting with your hands, notice how your hands feel, from the inside. Are they tingly, warm or cold? Notice as many physical sensations as you can. Then let your attention move throughout your body, from finger tips, to the top of your head and all the way to your toes. Do your best to feel each area at least a little before you move on to the next area. 4-7-8 breath This is one of the most powerful relaxation breaths. This exercise can also be done in any position, with eyes open or closed. The 4-7-8 refers to the counting cycle of your breath. You inhale to a count of four through your nose, hold your breath to a count of seven and exhale slowly to a count of eight through your mouth. Repeat four to six times. 2. Listen to yourself, not music or podcasts I know, this is probably the hardest suggestion for most of us to follow! We can’t imagine going for a run without music to keep us energized. But, remember, the purpose of mindful running is to deepen your connection with yourself, with how your run is affecting you. Try going without listening to a device for a week and see what happens. You may be surprised how much simpler and pleasant your running experience is. Mindful running: observe your thought and feelings shutterstock/KieferPix 3. Focus on the physical Become a dear and trusted friend to your body. You do your best to watch your breath. How is it feeling right now? Laboured or smooth? How is your balance? Are your shoulders tensed or relaxed? The trick is just to notice, without getting lost in trains of thought about anything you notice. Just notice with a gentle attention, and keep noticing. 4. Be interested in thoughts and feelings, too Part of your moment-to-moment experience will no doubt include thoughts and feelings. Of course, it will! They are not a problem and are simply a part of what you are mindful of. If you feel bored, notice that kindly, then let it go. Thinking about a big project at work? Notice the thought, then keep your attention moving. What else do you notice? These are all part of the flow of the moment, as you move and breathe, move and breathe. “When you practise mindful running, you enjoy the usual, wonderful benefits of mindfulness: more connection to the moment, less distraction, stress-relief, more self-awareness, a sense of well-being.” 5. Comfort your discomfort If your physical sensations go beyond neutral into discomfort, this is a cue to become even more mindful and gentle. Pay attention in as open and curious a way as you can. Is the discomfort something you can watch until it passes? Or is the discomfort telling you that you’ve hit your limit for the day? The more you practise mindful running, the more familiar you will become with your body’s language. You’ll be able to distinguish between a passing signal of fatigue, a need to adjust your stride or a body signal saying, “no more today!” 6. Finish mindfully When you finish your run, don’t just rush into whatever is next in your day. Just as you began your run, take two or three minutes of quiet time to connect with your body and mind. Notice if your thoughts and feelings are calm or agitated. And what is your body telling you? Again, just notice as kindly as you can and perhaps feel a little gratitude for whatever your experience has been. Conclusions on mindful running This crossroads of mindfulness and running has a lot to offer – whether you're coming along the road of mindfulness or running. The tradition of bringing mind and body together is at the heart of virtually every meditative tradition around the world. Mindful running is a way to create a bridge between mindfulness and everyday living, for each activity to support and deepen your experience of the other. Fitness giant Nike partnered with the popular mindfulness app Headspace to create a series of mindful running guided meditations. Try one out! If running isn’t a part of your life right now, consider trying mindful walking. Wherever you start, start slow and enjoy. ● Main image: shutterstock/sutadimages happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Gratitude | Meditation | Nature | Stress Management Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

It’s a fact; the art of practising gratitude can make you happier, healthier and improve your personal relationships. Victoria Haynes looks at the many benefits, and finds some great ways to cultivate the gratitude attitude. Taking the time to be grateful makes a real difference to your daily life. I try to practise the attitude of gratitude as often as possible, and every time I do, I get a little happiness boost. I’m not talking about grand gestures, either; simply thanking someone for holding a door or giving flowers to show my appreciation are all it takes. Knowing I’ve made someone feel good, and seeing their reaction has the power to take my day to the next level. Expressing gratitude in times of crisis is especially important. The Covid-19 pandemic has left people around the globe feeling anxious and hopeless, but if you look closely enough, pockets of gratitude have been popping up everywhere. Around the world hard-working frontline staff have been celebrated with rounds of applause while caring community members have sacrificed time to create much-needed PPE for teams that have been saving lives and caring for the sick. Gratitude has helped to unite communities and give hope where it seemed like there has been none. In fact, as humans, we’re programmed to focus on the negative aspects of life, so it’s not always easy to find things to be grateful for. At the end of a bad day, it can seem impossible to sit down and feel thankful – which is why we need to change our thinking. Choosing to focus on the positives and enjoy the little things, even when times are tough, is the key to cultivating a long-lasting attitude of gratitude. Attitude of gratitude: the benefits There are many scientifically-proven benefits to practising gratitude regularly. From obvious things, such as increased happiness and better relationships, to more surprising positives such as improved sleep patterns, here’s our top six reasons to harness the gratitude attitude. 1. Increased personal happiness Being thankful makes you feel great, and it’s an easy way to get a natural high and reduce negative emotions. It’s not just about you, though; gratitude is a beautiful two-way transaction. Expressing and receiving thanks encourages our brains to release happiness hormones such as dopamine and serotonin, giving us a sudden burst of joy. Journaling for gratitude shutterstock/WAYHOME studio And it’s more than just speculation. In 2009 scientists conducted a study at the National Institute of Health (NIH) into the effects of gratitude on brain activity, and the results were overwhelmingly positive. Subjects showed increased activity in the hypothalamus – the area which releases those feel-good chemicals – when they practised gratitude. Indeed, it’s scientifically proven that an attitude of gratitude has the power to rewire your brain. 2. Deeper relationships As well as making you feel good, adopting a gratitude attitude can build and strengthen relationships with others. It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking those close to you for granted, so remembering to thank your nearest and dearest can do wonders for your relationships. It works in two ways; remembering to be grateful makes us more appreciative of our partners, family and friends, while at the same time creating a cycle of gratitude. The more likely we are to express our thanks, the more likely we are to receive it. “Choosing to focus on the positives and enjoy the little things, even when times are tough, is the key to cultivating a long-lasting attitude of gratitude.” This isn’t just limited to loved ones, either – expressing gratitude in the workplace can lead to better communication and productivity. Research carried out at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania found that fund-raisers who had been thanked for their efforts made 50 per cent more fund-raising calls than those that hadn’t. 3. Improved patience and decision making You might not naturally link the two together, but striving to be a grateful person is a great way to improve your patience and decision making levels as well. We live in an age where we’re encouraged to aim for more of everything; bigger houses, more holidays, a better paid job. Many people want it all and they want it now! Studies have shown that people who happen to be more grateful, also tend to be less impatient and make better decisions. The thinking is that the more able you are to see the positives in your current situation, the less likely you are to crave new short-term gratification. 4. Boosted resilience Being grateful changes your entire outlook on life. It gives you the ability to thrive under pressure, make the best of difficult situations and allows you to find the good in an otherwise terrible day. With patience, you can train your brain to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, giving you the confidence to deal with any kind of adversity. Researchers at Georgia Southern University have proven the theory. They took two groups of people, and asked only one of them to perform a gratitude-based exercise. The group who were assigned the gratitude task reported to have experienced more resilience and coping skills during the experience than the group who hadn’t participated. 5. Reduced anxiety and depression If gratitude can make you happier, it stands to reason it can have a positive impact on mental health problems. If you're living with anxiety or depression, it’s possible that adopting an attitude of gratitude and focusing on the positives could play a vital role in recovery. Aside from encouraging the production of both dopamine and serotonin, gratitude practice reduces the production of stress hormones. In 1998 McCraty et al conducted an experiment into emotional self-management and stress. Their findings showed that there was a 23 per cent reduction of cortisol – a stress hormone – in the experimental group, who had been instructed to take part in an appreciation exercise. Express thanks with gifts or letters shutterstock/StudioByTheSea Another study discovered that the act of gratitude writing was incredibly beneficial to mental health. Researchers asked participants to either write letters of gratitude, note down their most negative experiences, or write nothing. They found that the group who took part in writing gratitude letters reported better mental health several weeks after the study had been completed. 6. Better physical health It’s been scientifically proven that people who practice expressing gratitude regularly also enjoy better physical health. A gratitude attitude is the secret to enjoying less pain, better sleep, less stress and more energy. People who focus on the positives in life tend to be more relaxed and are far happier than those who don’t. “If you're living with anxiety or depression, it's possible that adopting an attitude of gratitude and focusing on the positives could play a vital role in recovery.” Sounds too good to be true, right? Then let the science convince you. In 2003 researchers Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough carried out an investigation into whether gratitude had a positive effect on daily life and well-being. The students who took part and kept a gratitude journal for two weeks went on to report less headaches and other physical ailments than the group who were asked to write about negative events. How to cultivate the gratitude attitude Harnessing an attitude of gratitude doesn’t have to be difficult. At first, it might seem tricky to retrain your brain to look for the positives rather than allow it to focus on the negatives, but the more you practice, the more obvious it will become. Try some of the following methods: Gratitude journals Keeping a gratitude journal doesn’t mean you have to write pages and pages every day. It could be as simple as starting the day by noting down things you’re looking forward to, or ending it by recording a few positive events that happened. The aim is to simply lead your brain away from any negatives. Expressing thanks to family and friends It might sound basic, but just the act of saying thank you to your closest family and friends is a great place to begin on your quest for a gratitude attitude. We often forget to express gratitude for the everyday things – so start now! Writing letters Thankful for something? Write someone a letter and tell them how grateful they are, and how much of an impact they’ve had on your life. Meditating on gratitude If you already practice meditation, you’re halfway there. Meditating on gratitude is the art of sitting quietly and concentrating on all the things you’re thankful for. The gratitude attitude: conclusions It’s scientifically proven that gratitude has the power to change your life. Increased health and happiness, better interpersonal relationships and a boost to your brain power – what could be better? Grab that notebook and start your gratitude journal today. ● If you're interested in learning more about cultivating a more grateful approach to life, consider enroling in our 10-day online course, Mastering the Attitude of Gratitude. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Gratitude | Acceptance | Letting go | Journaling Written by Victoria Haynes Victoria Haynes is a freelance writer from the South Coast of the UK, who loves nothing more than a strong cup of tea, a good novel and the great outdoors.

As the Northern Hemisphere enjoyed summer kicking in, a lot of feel-good news stories focussed on the relaxation of lockdown rules in many parts of the globe. However, there were many other news stories that also showed how positive the world can be, too. Ed Gould shares his Top Ten round-up from July to uplift and inspire. 1. Mindfulness can help arthritis sufferers, study shows A recent scientific programme that centred on a group of arthritis sufferers has found that practising mindfulness can help to reduce the debilitating fatigue that many people with the condition feel. The study discovered that people with rheumatoid arthritis and a more acute condition known as ankylosing spondylitis were more likely to overcome 'fatigue-related disabilities'. A team in New Zealand worked on the premise that tiredness alone could not always account for the fatigue that people living with rheumatoid arthritis felt and that, therefore, there must be a psychological explanation. Since mindfulness sessions helped to make people feel more present in the moment, fatigue levels reported by participants dropped significantly. 2. Tiger population is growing, experts say According to the BBC and numerous Asian media sources, the tiger population in Eastern India and Southeast Asia is not as under threat as previously thought. According to the World Wildlife Fund, global tiger numbers were as low as 2,300 as little as ten years ago. However, naturalists now think that this number of tigers now inhabit India alone. In that period their numbers are thought to have doubled in Nepal and more sightings have been reported in Bhutan, China and Russia. Parts of Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia and Bangladesh are now also seeing more wild tigers as conservation efforts to protect their habitat continue in the region. Tiger numbers are on the increase 3. New model for solar energy is sweeping Africa According to a report in African Business, a pay-as-you-go model for providing solar energy is taking off across the continent. The idea has led to greater affordability of the technology so that it can be used more widely in rural areas where they may be no mains electricity. The model now makes sense to many rural communities because solar panels are much more efficient than they used to be, thereby making them a viable alternative to using generators for local electrical production. The report stated that over five million pay-as-you-go solar projects had been initiated in the last five years. 4. Oxytocin may lead to Alzheimer's treatment A report published by Science Daily suggests that oxytocin may be the key to a successful treatment for the degenerative disorder, Alzheimer's disease. Oxytocin is a natural hormone secreted by pituitary gland. It has long been associated with feelings of love and pleasure. The Tokyo University of Science has led the research into the hormone which appears to act as repairer of the amyloid plaques that are found in the brains of people with the condition. Their work on mice showed that these plaques, which are associated with failing memory function, were less prevalent when more oxytocin was present. RELATED: Happiness hormones – the neurochemicals of happiness 5. Robots used to track endangered whales The number of sperm whales is thought to be worryingly low, but marine biologists don't know for sure how many creatures there might be as they are notoriously difficult to track. However, according to i-News, robotic gliders have been deployed for the first time to help scientists in their work. Developed by the University of East Anglia, the gliders are already in use in the Eastern Mediterranean where there are thought to be little more than 2,000 sperm whales. Using the whales' clicking calls to track them, the gliders will help researchers to find out what problems the whales encounter so that counter-measures can be taken to protect them further. A sperm whale family shutterstock/Catmando 6. British people quit smoking in large numbers There have not been many good news stories related to the global pandemic this year despite some promising work that is ongoing into a possible vaccine. That said, UK smokers have been quitting the habit in their droves since the contagion broke out. In fact, it's estimated that over a million Brits have given up their habit in 2020 alone. A survey conducted by Action on Smoking and Health found that many people had chosen to quit as a direct result of COVID-19, which is known to be more dangerous for people with respiratory problems. 7. Pakistan well ahead of climate change goals Most governments around the world have set themselves targets to reduce their contribution to global carbon emissions. Some are on track to achieve them while others are behind their stated aims. Nevertheless, Pakistan enjoyed some feel-good news when it was reported by various Asian news agencies that the South Asian country has already met its targets. Indeed, the government's adviser on climate change, Malik Amin Aslam, announced in July that Pakistan had reached its target ten years ahead of its deadline thanks to its 13-point climate action plan. 8. Bison to roam England for the first time in a millennium You might think of bison as wonderful creatures that once only roamed the wide prairies of North America. But, in fact, the European species was once a native of the British Isles. According to the Independent, bison will be experimentally introduced into the wild in Kent this year. The project has come at a cost of £1 million but naturalists have said this is feel-good news not just for the species concerned but for the biodiversity of the UK as a whole. Initially, a herd of four bison will be allowed to roam Blean Woods, close to the city of Canterbury, alongside the ponies which live in the wild there already. Could Bison be seen again in the UK? shutterstock/Filip Fuxa 9. New farming method could help to extract carbon dioxide Global warming has long been known to be linked to the amount of carbon dioxide – as well as other gases – that are released into the environment. However, a report in the Guardian stated that something as simple as spreading rock dust on fields could help to absorb CO2 from the air, trapping it so that it does not augment the greenhouse gases that are already being emitted. Professor David Beerling, who led the study at the University of Sheffield, said that the rock dust locks CO2 as carbonate and the method can even help to improve crop yields, as well. Many farmers already spread limestone dust so the move to rock dust need not take a lot of adjustment. 10. Innovative dietary idea could be a breakthrough in breast cancer treatment According to a report in Cancer Network, a new diet that mimics the effects of fasting may be an alternative therapy that those living with breast cancer can make use of. In their work, a team of researchers from the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles found that the diet was highly effective when used alongside a conventional treatment, such as chemotherapy. Employing the diet prior to starting a course of anti-cancer drugs was found to be successful for the majority of women involved in the trial. Main image: shutterstock/Ondrej Prosicky Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

The researchers behind the original 'happiness pie chart' share what they've learned in the past 15 years. By Kira M. Newman on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. Do you know the happiness pie chart? If you’ve read a book or listened to a talk about happiness in the past 15 years, there’s a good chance you heard that 50 per cent of our happiness is determined by our genes, 40 per cent by our activities, and 10 per cent by our life circumstances. Neat and tidy, the pie chart — originally proposed in a 2005 paper by researchers Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade — painted a clear picture of what contributes to our well-being. Unfortunately for some of us, the chart suggested, the genes we got from our parents play a big role in how fulfilled we feel. But it also contained good news: by engaging in healthy mental and physical habits, we can still exert a lot of control over our own happiness. RELATED: Is happiness genetic? In recent years, critics have raised questions about this simple formula — one that many summaries (including mine above) misreport anyway. And now, a decade and a half after the pie was baked, two of the authors are coming out to say that they agree with many of the criticisms. Even so, they add, their broader message still holds: It’s possible to take deliberate steps to get happier and to stay happier in life. The proof in the pie “When you are given a graph that is this clean, it seems reasonable to be skeptical,” warns George Mason University professor Todd Kashdan in his blog post critiquing the pie chart. While the pie has separate slices, he argues, our genes, our life circumstances, and our activities aren’t three isolated factors that influence our happiness directly. They can also influence each other, muddying those distinctions. The original happiness pie chart For example, Kashdan writes, you may have a gene for leadership, but you won’t necessarily turn into an adept leader unless you find yourself in the right life circumstances (for starters, a supportive social environment). Or, as the University of Groningen’s Nicholas Brown and the University of Leipzig’s Julia M. Rohrer write in their 2019 paper, perhaps you have a genetic disposition toward anxiety — activated by the circumstances of your stressful childhood — that is putting a damper on your happiness. As these examples illustrate, and new studies are showing, genes may be expressed or not depending on what happens in our lives (both what happens to us — our circumstances — and what we choose to do — our intentional activities). In the other direction, genes can influence our tendency to engage in activities that will make us happier, such as exercise, acts of kindness, or pursuing goals. RELATED: The power of kindness Even assuming these three factors could be totally separated, critics argue that the 50 per cent for genes and 10 per cent for life circumstances are underestimates — making the 40 per cent figure too high. For example, Brown and Rohrer cite recent research suggesting that the heritability of happiness is 70 to 80 per cent. The 10 per cent figure was based on studies mainly measuring demographics — like age, income, education, race, and sex, they point out. But the term “life circumstances” is extremely broad and includes (as Lyubomirsky and her colleagues noted in 2005) “the national, geographical, and cultural region in which a person resides.” But studies done in a single country probably won’t capture the widest possible variation in life circumstances like these, which may explain why the 10 percent slice is too small. “Happiness can be successfully pursued, but it is not easy.” Sonja Lyubomirsky and Kennon M. Sheldon Finally, even assuming the 50/40/10 was right, there is that crucial misunderstanding that countless speakers and publications have perpetuated: these numbers don’t represent how much of our individual happiness comes from various sources, but how much of the differences among people (in general) do. If your happiness is 8/10, you can’t say that 3.2 points of that is determined by your activities; you can merely say that just under half of the average gaps between your happiness and other people’s comes down to what activities everyone is doing. Put that way, not only is the conclusion less catchy, but the control we have over our own well-being seems much less significant. Happiness science today In their updated paper about the pie chart, Sheldon and Lyubomirsky acknowledge that they largely agree with these criticisms. The numbers were intended to be estimates in a thought experiment, says Lyubomirsky, adding that their original paper should have clarified how our genes, circumstances, and activities can influence and interact with each other. “Our aim [more than 18 years ago] was more to pose a question — is it possible for happiness to go up — and to stay up? — than to provide an answer,” says Lyubomirsky. “Like all pie charts, ours was a gross oversimplification.” What determines happiness? Unsplash/Fernando Brasil She and Sheldon also admit that activities may influence happiness less than they thought, contributing as little as 15 per cent of the differences in one study. On one hand, that might seem like bad news for those of us who devote substantial time and effort to our own self-improvement. On the other hand, it just confirms what we probably know already: “Happiness can be successfully pursued, but it is not ‘easy,’” they write. In other words, happiness for many people will simply be something that is hard won. For others, happiness may feel like a natural state. Debates aside, it’s clear that the optimistic message of the pie chart did inspire groundbreaking research over the last 15 years into positive psychology. We’ve learned that the behaviors and habits we engage in do matter — from gratitude to kindness to mindfulness — and that they can lead to an enduring happiness boost. And thanks to that research, we also have an understanding of what we can do to give ourselves the best chance of success: Choose activities that fit our personality and interests. Activities fit us better when they feel natural, enjoyable, and aligned with our values, rather than driven by guilt or other people’s expectations. Choose activities that are virtuous and meaningful, rather than obsessing about feeling good all the time. Hedonism won’t necessarily make you happy, even if you feel good in the moment. If we pursue pleasure, it shouldn’t be at the expense of living a meaningful life. We also need to pursue a purpose, and practice forgiveness, gratitude, and generosity — those give us a sense of competence, autonomy, and connection, which are core human needs. Commit to and put effort into the process. Unsurprisingly, people who invest more effort into their new habits see greater improvements in their well-being. Add variety into our routine. Doing an exercise — like writing gratitude letters — the same way over and over can mean that we become accustomed to it and don’t reap as many benefits. You have to keep your brain alive to possibilities. “People can create for themselves a steady inflow of engaging, satisfying, connecting, and uplifting positive experiences, thereby increasing the likelihood that they remain in the upper range of their happiness potentials,” Sheldon and Lyubomirsky write. At the end of the day, it’s impossible to predict how much happiness you’ll get from any specific change you make in life. We’re all individuals, and no pie chart can tell us that. What it can tell us, though, is that it’s worth it to try. ● Main image: shutterstock/Mavo This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is grateful to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Many of us show compassion easily to others but struggle when it comes to ourselves. Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains why self-compassion is essential to our well-being and offers six practical steps on practising it. When things go wrong, some of us will be able to support ourselves with warmth and self-compassion. However, many of us tend to do quite the opposite. We beat ourselves up. How did it come to be that we accepted to live our lives burdened with (unconstructive) self-criticism? As with anything else about the human psyche, the overly criticizing mindset is also a multilayered phenomenon. However, one of the most common causes are the beliefs and values we’ve developed during our childhood. And, although we still may show compassion to others during their times of need, we fail to do the same when we’re struggling. Strange? This lack of compassion for ourselves has deep-seated roots. And they’re not always entirely logical. For that reason, it’s so difficult to overcome it. However, it can be done: read on to discover six proven ways to develop self-compassion. What exactly is self-compassion? Self-compassion is a concept that counteracts the adverse beliefs we have about ourselves. In most cases, whether we’ll be able to comfort ourselves through the tough times gets decided in our childhood. We learn from our parents. Be it through direct or indirect messages we receive, we absorb those ideas. They become blueprints of our future world. Whether your parents were harsh and criticizing, or they were self-destructive and self-criticizing, you probably introjected such an attitude toward yourself into your core. Be kind to yourself and practise self-compassion Self-criticism is rife. And it’s a nasty enemy to have. Research has demonstrated over and over again that it’s closely associated with a range of emotional disturbances. Depression, anxiety and eating disorders are merely a few of the consequences of unrealistic negative images people hold about themselves. Even if you don’t develop a mental health disorder, living your life fraught with self-condemnation isn’t the right way. It will make you utterly unhappy in life, unproductive, and vulnerable. “Although we may show compassion to others during their times of need, we fail to do the same when we’re struggling. Strange? This lack of compassion for ourselves has deep-seated roots.” The most vicious aspect of self-criticism is that it mostly occurs out of our conscious awareness. We can access the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, but we rarely do it. Even more seldomly do we question these core ideas. This elusive nature of self-criticism is one more reason why you should wholeheartedly practice self-compassion. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Studies have shown that the ruminating self-loathing doesn’t get resolved with classic self-help cognitive intervention. What is more, it gets even worse. Moreover, those who are depressed as a result of self-criticism also have trouble imagining positive scenes and self-supporting images. In other words, when you’re failing at being self-compassionate, you can’t even imagine a bright future for yourself. So, the cycle continues. Unless you put a stop to it. Three components of self-compassion Psychologist Kristin Neff was the first to measure self-compassion. She explained that having compassion for oneself means offering self warmth and unconditional acceptance. That doesn’t mean being selfish and egocentric. It does not condone engaging in self-pity or self-indulgence. And, we might add, it doesn’t exclude constructive criticism. When you're self-compassionate, you recognize the difference between making bad choices and being a thoroughly appalling person. Simply put, when you’re compassionate to yourself, you won’t keep telling yourself all those nasty things you usually do if you’re not. And you won’t stagnate or suffer as a result. Neff has explained the three components of self-compassion: Self-kindness The ability to be supportive, kind, and forgiving toward yourself. Common humanity Realizing that part of the nature of human existence is to experience pain, loss, failure, and make mistakes. You’re not alone in your struggles; there’s always someone somewhere who has been through the same (or worse). Mindfulness Practising awareness of your experiences without judging them. Self-compassion is about the acceptance of upsetting thoughts without letting them overtake your entire life. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Kristin Neff's self-compassion theory © YouTube/Greater Good Science Center Six ways to practise self-compassion The good news is that self-compassion can be learned. It takes practice, but most good things require some effort. Here are six ways to practice self-compassion in your day-to-day life. 1. Practice self-forgiveness The very first step of self-compassion is to forgive yourself. And keep doing so every day. There's no point in punishing yourself for your past mistakes. What makes sense is learning from them and growing as a person. You will never be flawless and faultless – because no one is. Yet, your most profound worth doesn’t come from being perfect, successful, recognized, famous, or whatever your poison may be. With self-compassion, you’ll learn to allow yourself to be imperfect – and love yourself as such. 2. Treat yourself as you would a loved-one or child The next time you’re about to tell yourself how stupid or incompetent you are, ask yourself: “Would I speak this way to my child (or anyone whom you love dearly)?” You probably wouldn’t. Because you do know how destructive it is. You just need to learn not to be such a molesting “parent” to yourself. “The very first step of self-compassion is to forgive yourself. There's no point in punishing yourself for your past mistakes. What makes sense is learning from them and growing as a person.” In most cases, we don’t even repeat the messages we heard from our parents – they weren’t this harsh. What we do incorporate into our self-expectations are our childish interpretations of our parents’ words and values. That’s one more reason for you to revise your beliefs about how you should be. 3. Practice mindfulness and mindful meditation As it is one of the components of self-compassion, incorporate mindfulness into your life. Be in the present moment, be lovingly kind, and observe the world (both external and internal) without judgment. If you need help mastering the skill, sign up for mindful meditation classes, listen to some mindfulness podcasts, and check out these mindfulness tips. With time, you’ll notice how self-criticizing thoughts come, but they don’t stick and loop in your head anymore. 4. Watch out for automatic thoughts and language It’s precisely these thoughts that tend to make us incapable of self-compassion. To regain control, keep an eye on them and bring them to your consciousness. You can keep an automatic thoughts journal in which you’ll note down the original thought and how it made you feel. Then, analyze it to see if it can hold out against logical questioning. Spoiler alert – it can’t. Self-love and compassion is possible with practice shutterstock/KieferPix So, replace such thoughts – and your language – with positive, compassionate versions. Once you retrain your mind to go for the affirmation, you’ll notice how much more encouraging and warm you are to yourself – and how much better you feel as a result. 5. Remember: you’re not alone in your imperfection When we suffer, we tend to feel as if we were the only ones who were going through such an ordeal. However, chances are someone somewhere already experienced it (and survived). Learn to recognize that those feelings of disappointment, incompetence, or self-repugnance are shared across the human race. By doing so, it will become easier to overcome obsessing about and being enslaved by them. Instead, learn from your failures and grow as a person. 6. Work with a psychotherapist or a life coach Finally, we appreciate how difficult it may be to develop self-compassion. Especially for those with a lifelong history of knocking themselves down. It just doesn’t come naturally. So, seek professional support. Reach out to an expert who will work with you until you become wholly and unconditionally self-compassionate. Round-up: self-compassion Developing self-compassion takes time and practice. Yet, this isn’t a reason to give up. After all, your relentless self-criticism also wasn’t built in a day. However, let a simple thought guide you through the process – you’re not a child anymore. You have the power to reassess and change your convictions now. Be a kind and supportive parent to yourself. Teach your inner child (and your self-criticizing adult) to be compassionate to the person you’re bound to spend your entire life with – yourself. Main image: shutterstock/HBRH Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.