Search the Community

From the confidant to the adventure seeker, here are the eight different types of friend you should have within your buddy group to enrich your life. Because as Dee Marques explains, sticking to one friend type limits our horizon. Which friend type are you? And which are missing from your friendship circle? Humans are social beings, which is why we need to feel we’re part of a group that values us, with different types of friends. Studies have shown that having friends helps us cope better with stress and anxiety. We also know that loneliness can be dangerous, as it’s been linked to emotional discomfort, depression, sleep disorders and substance abuse. We may be more or less sociable, introverted or extroverted, but we all need friendship. Unfortunately, some people have friends and still feel that something’s missing. For example, a while ago I started studying psychological astrology. I was very excited about what I was learning, but I was surprised by how my friends reacted to my new passion. They were just not interested. Did I need new friends? No, but their disinterest suggested that maybe I need different types of friends. One of the most common misconceptions about friendship is that our friends come in a one-size-fits-all format; that they serve all purposes, interests and situations. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, we all need different types of friends. The 8 types of friends we all need Psychologists say that there are three main friendship types. First, there’s historical or lifelong friends. Then we have common-interest friends (or people we call friends because we have certain things in common). Lastly, intimate friendships involve types of friends with whom we share an especially strong bond. RELATED: Understanding the power of friendship This is a general overview of the different types of friend we all need. It can be expanded to include other friend types, based on what we can share with them and what we can learn from them. Here are eight examples of alternative friendship types that could make your life fuller and richer. 1. The “tell it like it is” friend Friends are supposed to have our best interests in mind. Actually, we’re supposed to have our best interests in mind ourselves, but we don’t always realise when we veer off course because we’re too enmeshed in whatever situation we are facing. • JOIN US! Sign up today and make new friends at happiness.com • Indeed, there are times when we venture in the wrong direction and everyone can see it but us. However, not everyone is willing to call us out on our mistakes. But an honest and caring friend will, even if the truth hurts, which is why brutally honest people should be one of the types of friends you have. Great friends tell it like it really is shutterstock/Prostock-studio 2. Someone who’s the opposite of you They say that opposites attract. But how can we develop a close friendship with someone who’s very different from us? Researchers have explored how this works mainly in romantic relationships. Sometimes we fall for someone who is the opposite of us in ideas, habits or upbringing, simply because we feel that their characteristics can complement what we don’t have. RELATED: 7 signs your friend doesn't care about you Obviously, you need to have something in common with friends. But think about this: if all our friends are exactly like us, we can end up having a very limited vision of life. It’s likely that our conversations will revolve around the same topics and that there’ll be little disagreement, but also very little healthy debate. On the other hand, a type of friend who is a polar opposite can make us break out of our comfort zone and open our eyes to other ways of being, thinking and doing. 3. The “weird one” Wanting to fit into a group or find your tribe is in human nature. However, the need for acceptance can be harmful to our mental health and development if we don’t know how to establish boundaries. Constantly seeking validation from friends and relatives can interfere with our personal growth and push us to mask our real selves. “A type of friend who is a polar opposite can make us break out of our comfort zone and open our eyes to other ways of being, thinking and doing.” But have you noticed how some people are who they are, no matter what? They’re often labelled as “the weird ones”, and they’re some of the most interesting types of friends you can have. We can learn a lot from people who aren’t afraid of setting boundaries and letting their personality bloom into a one-of-a-king being. 4. Someone older We tend to choose friends in our age range because that way we can share our experiences as we move through the same life stages. But that can also be an issue if you’re all stuck in a problematic life stage and don’t know what to make of it. Older and wiser people are one of the types of friends you should have, simply because of the wider perspective they can bring. Of course, older doesn’t necessarily mean wiser, but if you’re selective, you will find that more mature friends have usually been where you are now, and they may have valuable insights to offer. RELATED: 8 reasons why everyone should have an age-gap friendship 5. The daring adventure-seeker Sometimes – a lot of the time – life can get monotonous and if we’re too conservative with the types of friends we choose, we can stay stuck in the dullness for a long time. However, there are people out there with a wild desire to live and experience everything around them. These are the types of friends who are always up for an unplanned trip, ready to book a rock climbing class, or to do that exact same thing you’ve said you’ll never do! What’s more, they can easily convince you of why this is a good idea because their enthusiasm is contagious. We all need a daring adventure-seeker friend in our lives to challenge us and make us appreciate the richness of life. Adventurous buddies are essential shutterstock/NDAB Creativity 6. Work or career friends Since we spend so much time at work, it makes sense to have someone we can turn to when we are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or having a bad day at work. So, the different types of friend you should have include a workplace buddy. This could be the person who trained you or someone you run into every day, as long as you feel comfortable talking to them and the feeling is mutual. • JOIN US! Join our curious community and discover new types of friends • Work or career friends don’t necessarily have to be people you work with. They can also be people you’ve met at a conference or at a business meeting. It can be anyone you’ve met who has similar career goals or ways of working, so you can can support each other in this area of life. You may feel you can’t share absolutely everything with work friends, as their interests and personal lives may be very different from yours. That’s OK! Different types of friends offer support with different areas of experience. 7. The “close-by” friend I’ve always lived in big cities, where neighbours are usually people you avoid (nobody likes the awkward interactions, especially not in the UK!). But, over the years, I’ve travelled to countries where the norm was to have a rather close and very cordial relationship with neighbours. “There are people with a wild desire to live. We all need an adventure-seeker type of friend to challenge us and make us appreciate the richness of life.” And it makes sense: knowing that there’s someone you can reach out to only a few steps away is invaluable. According to this survey, one of the main reasons why people don’t bother talking to their neighbours is because they think they’ll have nothing in common. Isn’t that a big assumption? The truth is that you never know what neighbours are like until you actually spend time talking to them. 8. A close confidant There are thoughts and feelings that we only feel comfortable sharing with very specific people, usually because we fear others will judge us or they won’t understand us. There is nothing more discouraging than opening up to the wrong person! Close confidants are one of the types of friend we should all have, because we all need unconditional and non-judgemental support at some point of our lives. These types of friends appreciate you for who you are and they understand that humans are a sum of good and not-so-good characteristics. With a close confidant, you never have to pretend you’re someone different, or hold back in any way. Takeaway: 8 types of friends we can all have The beauty about friendship is that we have a wide range of options out there. We always have the chance to make new friends, no matter what our age. And there are different types of friend who can enrich our lives, each in unique ways. • Looking at our list of the eight friends we all need, what type of friend do you think you are? Do you recognize any of these friendship types in your life? Are you missing any of these types of friends in your buddy circle? Let us know in the comments or head over to our friendship forum. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Deep listening | Loneliness | Empathy Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Listening deeply to those who may not agree with may not sound appealing but it can actually help us connect, learn and grow compassion. Jacqui Paterson explores the benefits of radical or 'extreme' empathy. Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. You’ve probably heard that saying a hundred times, but have you ever sat and really thought about what it means? Or, more importantly, put that ethos into practice? Radical empathy is a concept that does exactly that – it encourages people to actively consider another person’s point of view – even when we strongly disagree – in order to connect more deeply with them. Although we can never truly know what someone else is thinking and feeling, as we don’t share their exact same memories and experiences, making a concerted effort to understand the actions and reactions of people can increase the levels of compassion we feel towards them. Considering the thoughts and feelings of others is more important than ever: a global pandemic has left us feeling vulnerable and afraid, and families have been forced apart by quarantines and travel restrictions. Simultaneously, the Black Lives Matter movement continues to gain momentum all over the world, as an increasing number of people are using their voices to say ‘no more’ to racism and discrimination. RELATED: Anti-racism resources (for white people) It’s a period of huge change, a pivotal moment on the timeline of humankind, and kindness and understanding are more important than ever. But, at the time we need these traits the very most, recent studies have shown that our levels of empathy are actually declining. White coats and black lives: calling for empathy shutterstock/Jennifer M. Mason A 2010 study carried out by researchers at the University of Michigan showed, rather alarmingly, that subjects exhibited 40 per cent less empathy than their 1979 counterparts, with the most dramatic decline in the ten years since the turn of the millennium, suggesting the downward trend was accelerating. It seems we just don’t care as much as we used to. This alarming shift has been nicknamed ‘The Empathy Deficit’. In a world that is becoming increasingly online – a process now sped up by the coronavirus and the huge increase in working from home – we’re more connected in a digital sense, but increasingly isolated in a physical sense. • JOIN US! Sign-up to happiness.com and connect with our caring community • With less face-to-face interaction, we can feel emotionally detached from one another. This disconnect can result in apathy, and from there it’s an easily slide back to the ruthless ‘every-person-for-themselves’ existence of our long-ago ancestors. What is radical empathy? Radical or 'extreme' empathy is not – as you might imagine – someone dressed in military fatigues, ready to ambush you with warm hugs and a listening ear. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another and is thought to have evolved over millions of years of mammalian parenting. Females who made more effort to understand the needs of their offspring had greater success raising them to adulthood so they, in turn, could reproduce (which could explain why, historically, women have been considered the more empathetic gender). Natural selection then stepped in to ensure these caring skills became dominant. “Radical empathy is a concept that does exactly that – it encourages people to actively consider another person’s point of view in order to connect more deeply with them.” Today, this trait enables us to see and understand another person’s point of view. It promotes tolerance, thoughtfulness and kindness – all essential traits for a peaceful, harmonious community. Indeed, empathy is the glue that holds society together. Radical simply means pushing yourself outside of your usual ‘base level’ of emotion and consciously committing yourself to considering and caring more about others. So, radical or 'extreme' empathy is simply empathy on overdrive. There are three currently recognised components of empathy: Cognitive Empathy is when you understand another person’s situation on an intellectual level, but you don’t necessarily connect to them on a deeper emotional level. You recognize what the person must be feeling, but you don’t feel compelled to take compassionate action. To give an extreme example, narcissists will experience cognitive empathy; they understand the hurt they’re causing, they just don’t care enough to stop. Emotional Empathy is when you go beyond imagining how the person must feel, and actually experience those same emotions yourself. This function is believed to be due to mirror neurons, brain cells that enable us to see an emotional reaction and replicate it in ourselves; like when you see someone fall over and you flinch in sympathy. This is considered vital to human relationships, as it helps humans to relate and connect to each other. Finally, we have Compassionate Empathy, where we’re impacted so deeply, we have to do something to help. Take the Black Lives Matter protests as an example; the unnecessary deaths of black men and women created a shared outrage. This shared compassionate empathy for the victims connected the protestors, creating a ripple that became a wave, that became the BLM movement. This kind of empathy is incredibly powerful and can bring about fundamental changes in the way we live and behave. Mimi Nicklin is an empathetic leader and business coach, who was inspired to write a book, Softening the Edge, in response to what she describes as a global empathy deficit. But while the figures may look daunting, she makes it clear in her book that it’s a fixable problem. She writes: 'Due to the neuroplasticity of our brains, empathy is a skill we can learn, fine tune and practise. Contrary to the belief of many, it’s not a trait we may or may not be born with, but a skill we can hone and improve.' Michele Attias, mindset coach, and author of Stop Seeking, Start Living, agrees. “Empathy is a habit we can learn to cultivate,” she explains. “So there’s hope that, whichever level you find yourself in, there are ways you can increase your empathic understanding.” There are several different training programmes that increase your levels of compassion (of which empathy is a part), says Dr Emma Donaldson-Feilder, Occupational Psychologist at Affinity Coaching and Supervision. She refers to the Compassion Cultivation Training course (designed at Stanford University, and now taught around the world) Mindfulness-based Compassionate Living and Mindful Self-Compassion. Radical empathy: ask questions and really listen But the quickest and easiest way to practise radical empathy is to simply put your mind to it. Take the time to really notice people and imagine yourself in their shoes, and this will allow you to better connect with how they might be feeling. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. If your intuition tells you there’s something more, be open and patient and let them know they can come to you any time for a non-judgemental ear. It’s not just them who’ll feel better as a result. What are the benefits to radical empathy? There are many benefits to radical empathy, and they are felt both by the person giving, and the person receiving it. 1. Genuine connections “Showing greater empathy creates closer, deeper and more authentic relationships,” Attias says, “as you’re truly ‘seeing’ the other person and not blocking your emotions towards them.” 2. A feeling of purpose and belonging Thinking outside yourself acknowledges your place in the global community. It helps us to see we’re all part of something bigger, something that has endured for tens of thousands of years, and that can bring comfort. 3. Greater level of trust “As humans our fundamental need is to be seen and to be heard,” Nicklin says. “It is through these foundations that we grow. When we feel that those around us understand us, trust increases as does our inclination to share and build relationships.” 4. Increased feeling of wellbeing “When we’re empathetic, we’re free from judgement,” Attias explains. “Showing more kindness, love and openness to others has a positive effect on your wellbeing and can only impact positively on your relationships.” 5. It creates joy Neuro-research has proven that we feel good when helping and connecting with others, Nicklin explains. “Not because we are trying to avoid negative consequences or feel we have to, but because behaviours such as cooperation and reciprocity are intrinsically rewarding to us. We enjoy these emotions - to empathise is to be happy.” 6. More motivation and productivity Nicklin's research revealed that when empathy levels are high, the desire to do well also increases. “Motivation in workplaces, motivation to perform, motivation to support the people connecting with us empathetically,” she says. “When we feel understood we strive higher, communicate more and innovate at a faster rate.” Balancing extreme empathy with compassion While the benefits of radical empathy are many, there is a possible downside for some people. Empaths are highly sensitive to other people’s emotions, absorbing their energies so deeply it can even translate into physical pain. This can cause them to swing in the opposite direction, leading them to protectively shut down their emotions. But this overload can be balanced out, says Dr Donaldson-Feilder. “In order not to feel overwhelmed by others’ distress we need to have compassion,” she says, “This way empathy is not felt in isolation but is combined with understanding and taking thoughtful action to support others.” “The quickest and easiest way to practise radical empathy is to simply put your mind to it. Take the time to really notice people and imagine yourself in their shoes.” Doing something – like we saw with the BLM protests and the Clap for Carers initiative in the United Kingdom – helps us to cope with those feelings of fear and helplessness, and pulls us together as a community, Despite the frightening statistics, we’re not doomed to a future devoid of care or compassion. While global events have revealed selfishness and deep misunderstandings, they have also prompted incredible displays of radical empathy. From the fear, anger and uncertainty, tendrils of hope have blossomed – spontaneous ovations for medical staff in the worst-hit coronavirus areas of Europe; Captain Tom raising nearly £33million for the UK’s National Health Service (and receiving a knighthood in the process), the coming together of millions around the world to peacefully protest that Black Lives Matter. For the first time since World War II, the entire planet is united in a fight – both against COVID-19 and against racism – and both have served to remind us that we are not individuals, we are each a part of vast, connected global community. Modern life may have inadvertently bred apathy, but radical empathy provides us with the antidote. • Main image: shutterstock/halfpoint happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Deep listening | Courage | Forgiveness Written by Jacqui Paterson Jacqui has been a true-life and travel journalist for over 25 years, and has travelled all over the world telling people's stories. Originally from New Zealand, she's now based in the UK, where she also wrangles two pre-teen daughters, and runs her lifestyle blog, JacquiPaterson.com.

To live without regret is to own up to our mistakes and learn from them. However, we often forget this and end up beating ourselves up. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains six ways you move on in life to ensure you are living without regret... Life is filled with mistakes. There is no arguing it. Every decision, big or small, bears the risk of misjudging. We pick the wrong schools and get into careers that are not right for us. We spend too much energy on people who do not deserve it — and too little on those who do. Sometimes, we waste our time as if we were going to live for ever. In my personal experience, the older you get, the more irreversible mistakes get. I always loved my father like no other person. But, we had a very complex and conflicting bond. Every step of the way, the relationship was healable – until it was not. You see, he suddenly passed away in his sleep. On that morning, the opportunity (I never took) to fix the past errors was gone for ever. We accumulate faults, and they become more and more severe. Living without regret might, then, sound like too much of a stretch. Yet, it can be done. You do not have to succumb to rumination and guilt. This article will speak about letting go of regret without denial or repression. The key to living without regret is in the true wisdom of awareness, acceptance and learning. Why living with regret is bad My biggest regrets — and I’ve had a few — have stayed with me for a long time. They ran my life. All my actions and emotions were, quite often, subdued to my guilt and anguish. I was miserable, furious, bitter, desperate, and struggled to find meaning. My physical health deteriorated considerably, too. Does it sound familiar? When your past mistakes overtake control over your life, you gradually become unable to live in the present. You get stuck in that horrible moment in which you did something wrong — without the possibility to undo it. It is in no way a good place to be in. To live without regret is to own up to our errors and learn from them Indeed, research has shown that those who are highly critical of themselves and are filled with remorse experience significant negativity, stress and pessimism. Suppose you do not put effort into learning to live without regrets tainting your life. In that case, you may be heading towards a range of mental and physical health problems. In the light of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, a study found that self-blame regret is associated with high levels of stress and depression. Another study revealed that regret supports excessive, addictive use of social networking sites. Furthermore, regret about a treatment decision can hinder full recovery, as research on patients with cancer demonstrated. Physical health is also affected by intense and prolonged regret. An elaborate study revealed that intense experiences of regret are associated with a health-relevant biological process, acute physical problems and sleep disturbances. Six ways to live without regret and move forward Living without regret can be a challenge, especially for those who are used to beating themselves up. If you are your harshest critic, guilt can easily overwhelm your life. Yet, the only way for you to grow and be a productive and creative being is to reshape the regret into something good. Here are six ways to do just that. 1. Mend the mistakes The good news is — many of our errors can be mended. To some extent and in some way, at least. For example, you cannot unsay ghastly things you said when you were angry at your partner, friend or family member. What you can do is – apart from apologizing effectively, of course – use the incident to deepen the relationship. Talk about it calmly afterwards. Express your emotions, beliefs, insecurities, painful spots. Now think about the causes of your regrets. Is there a way to make it better? Could you take it from where you are now and improve things a bit somehow? Or, could you maybe use the experience to create something good, valuable? What’s done is done. But can you put those upsetting experiences to good use in some way? 2. Accept and self-accept Life does not always feel comfortable. That is the uneasy truth. However, it is the truth. Accept that you will always be thrown challenges. You will sometimes be ill-treated. You will not always know what to do in a situation. It is natural, then, to make quite a few mistakes in response to hardships. Now, accept yourself as you are, too. Self-acceptance is the first step towards living without regret. It means being aware of both your strengths and your weaknesses. Being objective about who you are. “To live without regret is to own up to our errors and learn from them. It means accepting the reality of human nature.” It will help you not to beat yourself up but grow from your experiences. This is why unconditional self-acceptance is one of the elements of the six-factor model of psychological well-being. 3. Reframe and learn Regret leaves us with a sense of powerlessness, naturally. We are feeling repentant over something we cannot take back or change. However, there is a way out of it. An enormously powerful way to start living without regret is to change the way you see things. Reframing is a potent psychological tool. In case of futile rumination and remorse, it can turn things around for you. RELATED: These 4 NLP techniques will change how you think How to do it? Start thinking about life as a series of experiments and experiences that help us learn. Setbacks and disappointments can be seen as the end of the world. They can, however, also be thought of as learning opportunities. So, the more experiments (and errors, too) you make, the more understanding you acquire. So, you did something wrong. Imagine you were an experimenter. Instead of committing to self-torture, ask yourself: What did you learn from it? How can you act differently in the future to avoid getting yourself into the same situation? What insight did you gain? Self-acceptance is a step towards life without regret shutterstock/Andrei Mayatnik 4. Focus on your strong points When we are filled with remorse, we tend to reproach ourselves and forget that we have many strengths. We may start thinking about ourselves as the worst people out there. Recognizing your strong points is crucial to start living without regret. In a way, you need to justify and allow yourself to move on from regret. Stop punishing yourself, in other words. To do so, you might feel the need to convince yourself that you are deserving of self-forgiveness (I'll get to that point shortly). So, ask yourself: What good deeds did I do in the past? How did I help someone? What do people like about me? What did I succeed in? What is my strongest suit? What hardships have I overcome? 5. Suppress In psychoanalysis, repression is a defence mechanism that takes away the painful experiences and pushes them deep into the unconscious mind. Yet, from there, the repressed content tends to wreak havoc in our lives. Repression, therefore, is not a healthy defence from whatever is torturing us. On the other hand, suppression is a more mature form of defence from regret, among other uncomfortable experiences and feelings. The American Psychological Association defines it as: “a conscious effort to put disturbing thoughts and experiences out of mind, or to control and inhibit the expression of unacceptable impulses and feelings.” Practically, it means consciously deciding that you are moving on or away from things you cannot change. In some cases, when things cannot be reversed or errors repaired, suppression is the healthy thing to do. “An enormously powerful way to start living without regret is to change the way you see things. Reframing is a potent psychological tool.” For example, you were in an abusive relationship. You may ruminate about it and keep reliving the trauma. Or, you can realise that this is not productive. You can then decide to put it out of your mind, as you are not in danger anymore. You will not change what happened. There is no point in being hung up on the fact that you chose an utterly wrong partner. In that way, you decide to live without regret and be free. 6. Forgive yourself The highest expectations we usually have are the ones we put in front of ourselves. Living without regrets is nearly impossible from that perspective. All of us will fall short of self-imposed high standards at some point. Holding onto resentment and being unforgiving, whether to others or ourselves, increases our stress levels and takes a toll on our well-being. To live without regret and avoid physical and mental health issues that may develop, you need to learn to forgive yourself. Be self-compassionate and accept that you are imperfect. Everyone is. According to Stanford University’s summary of recent findings in the field, self-forgiveness leads to: Wisdom Increased ability to focus, success and higher productivity Better emotional health More quality relationships Sense of happiness and gratitude Takeaway: living without regret Living without regret does not mean being selfish or blind to your faults. You are not saying that what was wrong was right. To live without regret is to own up to our errors and learn from them. It means accepting the reality of human nature. We err. And those mistakes, same as good choices we make, decide the direction of our lives. My mistakes have changed me. The big ones, in the end, took something away. I probably will never be the same cheerful me with an endless zest. It was, in my case, a privilege that came with youthful ignorance on the seriousness of life. However, by overcoming the rumination and fruitless regret, I also gained something. I became a little bit wiser, humbler and grateful. Consideration, respect, kindness, sympathy, benevolence and thoughtfulness are rewards for accepting past mistakes and deciding to become a better human because of them. So, live without regret in order to grow until your last breath. • Main image: shutterstock/mimagephotography happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy classes Coaching | Letting go | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Developed by Japanese psychiatrist Shoma Morita in the early 20th century, Morita is a response-orientated therapy. Meena Azzollini looks at the four steps involved in the process and evaluates the effectiveness of Morita Therapy. Our emotions are an integral part of our everyday life, whether we feel happy, sad, frustrated, angry or surprised. Indeed, our emotions make the human experience rich and every emotion that we feel is important. Emotions guide the choices we make and the decisions we take. They determine how we act and behave and are even responsible for our perceptions. Instinctively, you know emotions can be positive or negative. Naturally, you want to feel positive emotions because they are pleasurable and they feel good. You also want to keep negative emotions, like fear, worry, hopelessness, anger and grief at bay. But negative emotions too, have a purpose even though they bring you down and make you feel unpleasant. These unpleasant feelings give you the push you need to take action that helps you grow and develop yourself. In Western culture, positive emotional states like happiness are considered the ultimate goal whereas negative emotions are seen as those feelings that impede this goal. Western psychotherapeutic treatments like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) aim to teach people to manage or control their negative thoughts, and subsequent behaviours. However, Eastern philosophies take a different approach to negative emotions. A 2017 study, which explored positive and negative emotions across cultures, showed that Easterners reported stronger positivity towards sadness than westerners indicating Easterners embraced sadness when they experience it, whereas Westerners feel they should not have to face sadness. One Eastern therapy that challenges this view — that negative emotions should not be faced, or rather, they should be managed to downplay the impact they have on our lives — is Morita Therapy. What exactly is Morita Therapy? Morita Therapy believes that all emotions – even negative ones – are a natural part of the human experience. If left untampered, these emotions can guide us to live a more authentic life while appreciating reality as it is. Morita therapy, influenced by the psychological principles of Zen Buddhism, emphasises the importance of experiencing feelings rather than shifting or ignoring those feelings as advocated by many Western psychotherapies. Developed in 1919 by a Japanese psychiatrist, Morita Shoma, Morita therapy is a highly structured form of residential therapy which was designed in response to Shoma’s own clinical observations of inpatients confined in desolate places and treated in ways that reinforced their symptoms. Morita began treating patients in his home in a rural setting, with an initial emphasis on rest. He then introduced diary writing, art, outdoor activities with observations of nature as part of his therapy and noted that the safe familial environment was conducive to healing in these patients. Nature and gardening are an integral part of Morita Therapy shutterstock/Joshua Resnick Morita therapy was initially developed to treat a Japanese syndrome known as shinkeitshitsu, which is characterised by excessive worry (anxiety) and an over focus on bodily discomfort, along with hyperactivity of mental and physical symptoms. Morita argues that shinkeitshitsu, is not a biological disorder but a mental attitude. Shoma found that when patients tried to get rid of their symptoms of anxiety by talking about it, these symptoms stayed within their focus. This over focus decreased their mind-body-spirit well-being, a concept known as kokoro in Japanese, which means the mind, body and spirit are not separate but exist as one. In his book, ‘Morita Therapy and the True Nature of Anxiety-Based Disorders’, Morita Shoma explains, “If a client’s emotional base is ignored, any intellectual pursuit (by the therapist) only serves to increase the distance between the experiential mastery and therapeutic resolution.” He likens this state to a donkey tied to a post, where the donkey keeps walking around the post to free himself, only to become immobilised and attached to the post. “The same applies to people with obsessive thinking who become more trapped in their own suffering when they try to escape from their fears and discomfort through various manipulative means,” says Shoma. Morita advised therapists to focus on the patient’s ability to live a purposeful life, where they learn to accept their emotions so that the mind returns to balance. He warned clinicians not to become obsessed with treating their patient’s symptoms. “Morita Therapy believes that all emotions – even negative ones – are a natural part of the human experience. If left untampered, these emotions can guide us to live a more authentic life while appreciating reality as it is.” Ultimately, the goal of Morita’s treatment was to provide his patients with experiences that would enable them to let go of their own private struggles with their emotions and instead accept themselves, their symptoms and their reality “as it is” – known as arugamama in Japanese. “This is unique to Morita theory and is distinctively different from the theory of a newer therapy called, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT,” explains Dr. Peg Levine, Medical Anthropologist, Psychologist and Director of the Classic Morita Centre in Melbourne, Australia. How Morita therapy works Morita therapy involves four stages of treatment. Each stage comprises five to seven days. The therapist will look for signs of progress before the patient can move forward to the next stage. 1. Isolation-rest therapy Patients are placed in complete isolation and are asked to remain in resting or prone position except for when using the toilet and bath. The patient is not allowed to speak to anyone or undertake any activity that distracts them such as reading or listening to music. The therapist enters the room once a day to observe the patient but conversation is kept to a minimum. The role of the therapist at this point is to assure the patient that someone is nearby and to invite the person to endure and persevere in the discomfort and suffering of their anxiety-ridden emotions. The purpose of this stage is to let the mind wander as patients think about their lives, their problems and their past or their future, while they experience doubt, pain, anguish and anxiety. “When a client’s agony reaches a climax, it naturally and completely disappears within a short time, just like victory can be achieved during the last five minutes if a dashing attack,” writes Shoma. Patients begin to observe the transient nature of emotions that just come and go, much like nature – the changing nature of the sky and the seasons – as they suspend judgement of their emotions as positive or negative. By the third day in this stage, patients are usually invigorated by the memory of overcoming their challenging emotions and the agony of the previous day disappears. According to Morita, the first stage is effective for treating shinkeitshitsu symptoms of insomnia and anxiety. Usually by the fourth day, patients move into a state of boredom and want to become active. Healthy minds do not tolerate boredom according to Shoma, which is when a therapist will determine if the patient is ready to move to the next stage of the treatment. 2. Light occupational work In this stage too, therapy takes place in an isolated state, although patients are allowed to go outdoors during the day and are encouraged to participate in light repetitive work such as tidying and weeding the garden, picking up fallen leaves or light raking. Journaling is one of the key activities of this stage so that the therapist can better understand the patient’s emotional and physical state. However, patients are not allowed to do anything that diverts their mind or amuses them. The purpose of this stage is to allow a patient to calmly endure his or her symptoms and to inspire a desire for action, which is driven by the patient’s growing feeling of boredom. Journaling and diary writing are also key to Morita shutterstock/WAYHOME studio Patients begin to notice the activity in the natural environment such as the activity of ants or birds, or the movement of the sun across the sky, as they go about their light tasks. This distracts them from their symptoms and encourages them to explore their curiosity. According to Peg Levine, “the patient observes that the more she or he partakes in purposeful activity, the more worrisome symptoms decrease.” 3. Intensive occupational work The third stage comprises more labour-intensive work according to the client’s physical conditions. Activities include cleaning, gardening, meal preparations, and art projects with a focus on diary writing. Talking to others is restricted to the tasks at hand. The therapist does not respond to the patient’s attempt to engage in any emotion-based conversations. If patients write about their emotional state, or personal history or worries, the therapist directs them to record their observations of the day. Morita believed this therapy helps promote self-awareness in relation to the reality of the external environment and it stimulates patients to surrender to the present situation whether their symptoms were present or not. During this stage, patients begin to experience joy that comes from achieving results through their work and efforts. According to Morita, such experiences foster confidence and encourage patients to overcome difficulty and endure pain, while engaging in lively mental and physical activities. He writes: “The experiential understanding of confidence and courage, represented by the idea that much is possible in life, can be regarded as a kind of spiritual enlightenment.” 4. Preparation for daily living The fourth stage prepares patients to reintegrate with the world outside of their treatment. Patients are encouraged to focus on external reality and adjust to external changes whether symptoms exist or not. Patients travel away from the treatment centre, either by walking or taking public transport and run errands such as posting letters or buying groceries. According to Morita, “During purposeful outings clients experience various mental states because they are exposed to the general world after a long period of time.” This way, patients forget their fears naturally, as they integrate their “new self” to the social world. Morita Therapy today Modern-day Morita Therapy has since been altered from its classical version. It’s often used as a treatment alongside medication and has mainly shifted from residential therapy to outpatient centres. These days, therapists place less emphasis on Zen Buddhist philosophies embedded in Morita’s treatment. “Morita Therapy has been found to treat a range of anxiety disorders including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.” However, the aim of the modern approach is very similar to classical Morita therapy, such as clarifying the concept of the vicious circle that maintains anxiety, and increasing awareness and acceptance of one’s emotional and physiological states, thus encouraging constructive actions. As stated previously, the purpose of Morita Therapy is not to eliminate sufferings or symptoms as such attempts are considered counter-productive to healing. Thus, in Morita therapy, no interventions are implemented to reduce symptoms or modify thoughts and behavioural patterns. It differs from other contemporary therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Behavioural Activation (BA) where techniques such as meditation, cognitive appraisal and scheduling activities are used to intervene the experience of the symptoms. How effective Is Morita Therapy? Although Morita Therapy was initially developed to treat shinkeishitsu, it has been found to treat a range of anxiety disorders including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, borderline personality and other adjustment disorders. Morita Therapy is also used to treat those with chronic pain, victims of sexual assault, cancer patients and civil war victims. Morita therapy may have changed over time but the purpose behind the therapy stays the same – to cultivate arugamama. “Patients learn to spread their attachments over time and re-experience a healthy imagination that balances their fears and desires over the course of the four stages, most naturally,” concludes Levine. This non-intervention therapy, help patients re-establish contact with the natural environment and cultivate an acceptance of the natural ebb and flow of their emotions. Patients develop a desire for life by re-channelling their energies into purposeful action, which helps them break the vicious cycle of their symptoms and move forward in life in a meaningful and constructive way. • happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mindfulness | Nature | Self care Written by Meena Azzollini Meena Azzollini is a health and wellness content writer from Australia. She takes a heart-centred approach to help businesses make meaningful connections with their audience through effective content marketing solutions. You can connect with her at www.meenawrites.com.

JILL SUTTIE has found that reflecting on your ideal future helps you feel more optimistic and be intentional about what you want. When I was in my late 20s, I was living in Santa Barbara and wondering about the course of my life. I had a job that was interesting enough, but it came with a terrible boss who actively sabotaged my work. I’d been in a few serious relationships, but none of them panned out. I’d enjoyed working at a university, but hoped to use my science background more and, perhaps, tap into my creativity. I wanted something different, possibly even a new town. But I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted or how to get there. That’s when I came across a book called Creative Visualization, and, for some reason, it spoke to me. Though I thought the main premise of the book was bogus – that all you need to do is figure out what you want, and the universe will provide – I nonetheless found its goal-setting exercise extremely helpful. In it, the author tells readers to imagine their best possible lives, considering many different aspects of life, including relationships, work, leisure time, personal development, the condition of society and more. Then, they should write about this perfect life, as if everything were just as they wanted it to be. Doing this exercise at that time helped me a lot, by encouraging me to reflect on my values, deepest desires and goals. And I believe that taking the time to imagine a better, more fulfilled future started me on the path to where I am now. For example, back then I envisioned myself being married to a loving man (check), having a job where I could help foster more compassion in others (check), speaking new languages (check), and playing more music (check). Envisage your best life and write it down Did these things magically appear in my life? No, they didn’t. But knowing what I wanted helped me set an intention to work toward them. No doubt, my subconscious kicked in, too, and I began to notice opportunities that presented themselves to me or to actively seek out information I needed. Plus, having a direction to take based on my truest desires gave me impetus to make hard choices that ultimately changed my life – like moving from Santa Barbara and forgiving my alcoholic father’s past abuse. Since that time, I’ve done this exercise many times over the years, often with good results. Even so, it wasn’t until recently that I noticed there is research to support the practice. When you imagine your best possible self, suggests the research, you feel more optimistic and positive about life, which motivates you to apply yourself toward fulfilling goals. And being happier can increase your willingness to tackle social problems, too, meaning it can make a difference in the world, not just for you as an individual. It’s not just for one type of person, either; it has been tried with different populations to overall good effect. I can’t promise it will work for you, too. But it might make a difference in how you feel about the future – and that could be a good thing to do going into the year 2022. Here is what the “best possible self” practice involves, according to Greater Good in Action: Take a moment to imagine your life in the future. Ask yourself, what is the best possible life you can imagine? Consider all of the relevant areas of your life, such as your career, academic work, relationships, hobbies and health. Then, write continuously for about 15 minutes about what you imagine this best possible future to be. If you’re tempted to think about the ways your life isn’t working well right now or about financial, time or social barriers to being able to make your best life happen, let that all go for the purpose of the exercise. Instead, focus on imagining a brighter future in which you are your best self and circumstances change enough to make this happen. Be specific and creative, letting yourself imagine as much detail as you can and being as imaginative as you want when it comes to your best life. The more creative and specific you are, the more engaged you will be in the exercise and the more you’ll get out of it. Though not mentioned in Greater Good in Action, I’ve found it helpful to write about this best possible life as if it were already happening – meaning, I write in the present tense. So, for example, I don’t write, “I’d like to be able to write a book someday,” but “I’ve finished writing a book on the psychological benefits of being in nature.” “Having a direction to take based on my truest desires gave me impetus to make hard choices that ultimately changed my life.” When you’re feeling stressed or depressed, it can be harder to do this practice – but the research suggests that it can still be beneficial. I last did the exercise in March, when I was feeling particularly down and worried. Things looked grim for some important people in my life and, generally, for people around the world. Yet taking the time to focus on a better, more fulfilling life ahead helped me stay focused on what mattered to me and where to put my energy. Here are some of the things I wrote then: I have let go of all resentment, anger, heartache, disappointment or hopelessness and am resting instead in a place of deep, abiding love, clarity and conviction. I continue to write for Greater Good, because I love my work. I’m learning new things regularly and finding purpose in helping people to live happier, more meaningful lives. I stretch my body, meditate, eat well, and take good care of myself so that I’m in good health. I’m hiking in nature almost every day, which helps me feel calm and connected to the natural world. I’ve planted a vegetable garden in my backyard, and I’m enjoying spending more time at home. I’m visiting foreign countries, fulfilling my dream of more travel, adventure and language acquisition. My relationships with friends and family are stronger and closer than ever. As you can see, some of what I wrote just confirms the value in things I’m already doing – like hiking and finding meaning in my work. Other things were new and gave me ideas of how to change my life for the better. Find direction to be your best possible self shutterstock/ABCDstock While not everything I wrote about has come to pass, some of it has. Certainly, realizing that I’d like to have a garden inspired me to put one in my backyard. (Truth be told, my garden didn’t do super well…but I learned some stuff that will help me do better next year, I hope.) I decided to learn a little Greek, because I realized how much I love learning languages, plus I anticipated using it on a fall 2020 trip to Greece with my husband. Unfortunately, the trip to Greece had to be nixed because of COVID. We pivoted and went somewhere closer, fulfilling part of my dream, at least. Obviously, these were personal goals. Yours will no doubt be very different than mine. As I always do when envisioning my best life, I also visualized a better state for our world. Here is part of what I wished for then – and still wish for today: The world is a beautiful place, filled with loving people who care about each other. There are no more social divides, social justice prevails, we’ve halted climate change, and no one lives in poverty anymore. The jury is still out on achieving those lofty ideals. However, I do think the first step to positive change is setting your intention and the optimism that creates. By at least imagining a best possible future, I know I can keep myself engaged in making it come to pass. For me, that currently means writing articles that inspire others, participating in social justice causes, and giving generously to charities I believe in. Perhaps we all need to imagine our best possible life at the end of 2021. We might find that by doing that, we’ll have more optimism about 2022 and figure out how to make the world a better place – not just for ourselves, but for everyone. • Main image: shutterstock/silverblackstock happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Acceptance | Letting go | Trust Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

As winter turns to spring, new hope can start to emerge in all sorts of ways. And in March there were plenty of feel good news stories in the media. Ed Gould shares his Top Ten. 1. Eye test may help in the fight against Alzheimer's An article in The Daily Express raised awareness of a potential early diagnostic test for Alzheimer's disease. Prompt intervention can be crucial in controlling this ultimately incurable condition and would help many people to slow down or halt its progression. The newspaper's report stated that not being able to see colours clearly and distinguishing them from one another were two of the tell tale signs of the condition, something which could be made into a simple test that opticians could check for. 2. New study points out the benefits of mindfulness There have been multiple studies into the advantages of practising mindfulness. Another, published this March, came out following research at the University of Bristol. Conducted over four years, 57 medical students were asked to engage in mindfulness for two hours a week plus a daily personal routine of half an hour. Those who took part almost uniformly reported better coping strategies for stress and emotional problems. They also said that they made fewer snap judgements as a result of taking part in the programme, with greater levels of empathy being noticeable, too. RELATED: The Bright Side - positive news from February 3. Babies teach school children about empathy According to a report in The Daily Record, school kids are being exposed to babies by their teachers in an effort to help them understand empathy. One Scottish primary school teacher has been taking her infant, along with two other babies, into classes and allowing pupils to interact with them every couple of weeks. Charlene McClusky, the teacher involved in the empathy sessions, said it helps her pupils to understand different emotions and to appreciate each other's different family situations. While on maternity leave, she has regularly attended the lessons with her son, Calvin, pointing out that the experience is beneficial for her toddler, too. Kids' stuff: babies can help teach empathy to school children 4. Climate change fund set up to help Africa In addition to a $200 billion fund it has set up to combat climate change, The World Bank has set aside money specifically to help African countries deal with this pressing issue. According to several reports in the press, there's been a further $22.5 billion set aside specifically for the continent which will be spent on various projects. Bids for the money will be accepted between 2021 and 2025. The World Bank is currently working with the governments of Mali, Namibia, Uganda, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Cote d'Ivoire, Kenya and Rwanda to help fight global warming. 5. Global shoemaker boosts recycled plastic The world-renowned trainer manufacturer, Adidas, launched a new line of footwear a couple of years ago which featured a plastic derived entirely from recycled material. In March, the sports brands announced that it was significantly upscaling the scheme due to its success. Indeed, last year, Adidas sold around five million pairs of trainers made from the recycled material. It now says it plans to double production and hopes to shift at least 11 million trainers this year, thereby doing its bit to prevent plastic from going into landfill or the world's oceans. 6. Mushrooms help to prevent dementia Cognitive decline can be staved off if you eat sufficient mushrooms, a new study has found. Fox News reported that the condition of mild cognitive impairment (MCI), which is a forerunner of certain types of dementia, is less likely to occur in people who eat two portions of mushrooms per week. In fact, according to researchers at NUS Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, people who consume fungi are half as likely to suffer from MCI as those who don't. Mushroom for improvement: funghi could fight dementia 7. Drugs for cancer made cheaper in India The prices of over 40 different anti-cancer have been slashed in India, bringing a great deal of hope to those living with the illness in the country. The National Pharmaceutical Pricing Authority of India decided to take steps which will see an average price reduction of over a quarter. People with cervical cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer and leukaemia should all benefit from March onwards. RELATED: The Bright Side – positive news from January 8. Renewable energy performing better than ever in the UK According to a report in The Guardian, wind and solar energy – so-called green sources of electricity – outperformed coal in the United Kingdom over the last two summers. During those months, when demand for energy is lower than in winter, the UK's remaining brown coal-burning power stations were barely used. The news story came as a result of data published by an Australian organisation that monitors the energy market around the world. Additionally, the UK's green power network also made more megawatt hours of electricity than were produced by burning natural gas last summer, too. Wind of change: alternative power boost in the UK 9. Man living with HIV potentially 'cured' According to the BBC and many other news outlets, a man living with HIV may have been 'cured'. The London-based patient has an undetectable level of the virus following ground-breaking stem cell treatment. Having been diagnosed as HIV positive in 2003, the patient's treatment has proven itself to be successful, something that will offer further hope to millions of people living with HIV around the world. Thanks to antiretroviral medications, people living with HIV can now live a healthy and near-normal lifespan. 10. Brain stimulation can help fight off depression Although chronic depression can be treated in a number of ways including drug therapies, physical activity is often recommended as a way of combatting it. In addition, non-invasive brain stimulation has been shown to help in a new study from King's College London. According to reports in Medical News Today, low doses of electrical stimulation to the cortex can help people who fail to respond to other treatments. The technique used is called trans-cranial alternating current stimulation. Over 6,750 patients comprised the study which drew together data from over 100 clinical trials. ● Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Studies suggest that those of us living with purpose live healthier, happier and more meaningful lives. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores the power of purpose and offers suggestions for how to rediscover what your true role in life is. The power of purpose is a well-known psychological super-tool. In fact, the idea of purpose is so important that an entire school in psychotherapy named logotherapy is based on it. However, you do not need to be a psychologist to recognise how a powerful purpose transforms your life. Having something to live and fight for fills you with vigour and fervour. On the other hand, a lack of purpose can sometimes makes it feel like you are simply stuck on this planet, fiddling around. Yet, it is way too easy to slip into inertia. Indeed, we can often get stuck in a rut before we even realise it. Everyday obligations and chores tend to pile up and steal our time — no matter how trifling they may be. Suddenly, all we do is get up, go to work, shop for groceries, come home, eat, sleep. And repeat. Luckily, you always have the option to make a change in life. One way or an other, you can choose to find meaning in your life. If you are unsure where to start, this article might provide some guidance. The power of purpose: theory, research and practice Having a purpose, according to scholars, means having a clear long-term direction toward which to strive that organises one’s behaviours and sense of self. A powerful purpose can be anything from earning a degree to raising a healthy child, writing a book or changing the world. It can be lifelong or stay with you for a limited time. The crucial aspect of a powerful purpose is that it must make sense to you personally. It can reside in any area of life, such as: Spiritual and personal development Arts and creativity Friends and family Profession and career Contributing to the community Activism, humanitarian work and causes Why living with purpose improves your life The power of purpose is well-documented in theory and empirical research. In the introduction, I mentioned logotherapy. Viktor Frankl, a 20th-century medical doctor, psychiatrist, neurologist and philosophy student, developed this psychological theory shortly before being sent to the concentration camps. There, he was able to test his views under the most trying of circumstances. Feeling lost? Rediscover your purpose and meaning Logotherapy means “healing through meaning” in Greek. It is a school of thought centred around a sense of purpose. It promotes freedom of choice and personal responsibility. One of its basic concepts states that we are motivated to find meaning. When this search is thwarted, we experience existential frustration and feelings of meaninglessness. Although we all intuitively agree with this postulation, empirical studies provide scientific corroboration. Furthermore, according to scientific findings, a sense of meaning in life is closely associated with well-being. The power of purpose is reflected in mental and physical health across a lifespan. A 2018 study showed that a sense of purpose in life correlates with fewer strokes and heart attacks, better sleep, and a lower risk of dementia and disabilities in older adults. “Having something to live and fight for fills you with vigour and fervour. On the other hand, a lack of purpose can sometimes makes it feel like you are simply stuck on this planet, fiddling around.” And a large-scale study in the US from 2008 determined that a sense of purpose combined with a sense of control and a feeling like what you do is worthwhile – known as ‘eudaimonic well-being’ – contributes to a person’s longevity. RELATED: 10 ways to make your time matter Interestingly, research has also shown that a sense of purpose contributes to higher levels of household income and net worth and their greater increase over time. The assumed mechanism through which the power of purpose works is based on transcendence. According to logotherapy, we have the ability and the ultimate necessity to self-transcend in order to improve humanity. In other words, we need to be less self-centred and be a part of something greater than ourselves. By creating, experiencing, and taking a stance, we derive meaning in unavoidable guilt, suffering and death. In other words, we need to have a powerful purpose in order to overcome this trio of ills, named “the tragic triad of life” by Frankl. The other side of the coin: not having a purpose Frankl was unwillingly submitted to the ultimate test of his theory during the three years he was kept in the most infamous Nazi concentration camps. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning (provocatively named Why Haven’t You Killed Yourself? in my country), he witnessed the power of purpose first-hand. The prisoners would expect the end of the war, hoping for it to come, for example, by Christmas. They survived petrifying living conditions in surprisingly good health, living off that conviction. However, when the war did not end when they expected it to, they would suddenly become ill and perish within a few days. Frankl explains that they had lost their sense of purpose. They felt no meaning in living, and their bodies followed. RELATED: How to find meaning in life – 7 strategies Thankfully, most of us are not exposed to circumstances anywhere close to those that were seen in concentration camps. However, the same mechanism is familiar to all of you, I am sure of it. Here is a personal example from when I was a student. When I would pass an exam with the highest marks, one would expect me to feel relieved and exhilarated. And I did — only for the shortest time when I saw the mark. Then, for a few dreadful days that always followed, I used to feel utterly depressed. I felt deflated. I had some spare time between exams, and I could not get myself to do anything. I felt as if the colours in the world had faded. It lasted until I started studying for the next exam. That is, until I found the next purpose. Could your power of purpose lie in activism? shutterstock/Rawpixel.com I know I am not alone in this experience. A close friend of mine was so severely struck by such a deflation that he attempted suicide after passing his bar exam. He worked towards it relentlessly for years. When he finally reached this massive goal, the endless void of a lack of purpose felt like too much to withstand. These examples highlight how the power of purpose is vast and can work in both ways. When you live meaningfully, you thrive. And when you feel your life has no purpose, you dwindle. It is perfectly normal sometimes to feel lost in life. However, if you are ready to find your purpose, there are ways you can go about. Ways to find a powerful purpose Are you ready to draw from the power of purpose to make you healthier and happier? Not knowing where to start to find your purpose can be off-putting. How to navigate through the long and winding road to determine the purpose that will keep you inspired? First, let us move a common obstacle to feel the power of purpose out of the way. Many people object that they are not overly enthused to commit to any great cause. However, that is perfectly fine. This does not prevent you from living a purposeful life. You may remember that we spoke about purpose having to be absolutely personal. “The power of purpose works both ways. When you live meaningfully, you thrive. And when you feel your life has no purpose, you dwindle.” Frankl speaks of an older woman in therapy who felt that, in the end, her long life had no meaning whatsoever. Yet, he helped her realise that she has raised healthy and happy children and is a loving grandmother to her grandchildren. She is loved, and she will be missed. Her life was anything but meaningless. In other words, you do not need to change the world for your existence to be meaningful. Here are a few ideas and questions to ask yourself when you are trying to tap into the power of purpose. Some are rather direct, and others are meant to stimulate the reflection and creativity you need to find and use the power of purpose in your life. Detach. Sometimes we are too close to see the options presented to us. So, create the distance you need. Think of your life as a story. If your life was a novel, what story would it convey? What is the narrative of your life? Meditate. Clear your mind and let the answers come to you with ease. Once the endless jibber-jabber in your head calms down, you will gain the clarity you need to see your driving force. The power of purpose will reveal itself. Ask yourself: “What is it that puts me in a state of ‘flow’? What is it that I used to love doing and believed in? Is there a way to rearrange my life and put such activities and causes at the forefront?” Perhaps your purpose is helping others to help themselves? shutterstock/Mladen Zivkovic Ask yourself: “What is important to me? Why?” Once you respond, ask yourself again: “And why is that important to me?” Maybe repeat the question a few more times. It will help you tap into the most profound reasons you want to do things. Thus, it will reveal the spring from which the power of purpose draws its intensity and help you determine where you want to focus your energy. Think about what you want your legacy to be. How would you like to be described and praised once you are gone? And now think about what it would be at this moment. What would people say at your funeral if you happened to pass away in this instance? Are you happy with that? If you had to choose a single thing/person/idea/activity that you get to work towards your entire life, what would it be? What does not feel like work or an obligation? What would you be doing free of charge? Or, alternatively, what would you be doing if you did not have to think about money at all? What are your values? List them all. Then, make a list of the top five values in your life. All of them can be your purpose. Are you living in accordance with them? Are you interested in volunteering? If so, explore many different organisations and purposes out there — some will speak to you. Takeaway: making your life count Allow me to start this article’s final section with a cliché — you only live once. Yes, I realise it is a turn of phrase that has long lost its potency to move anyone. However, it is an essential notion that deserves a second glance. So, give it a thought as if you were hearing this saying for the first time: you only get to live once. Consider if you want to waste that bewildering opportunity? Spend your days void of meaning? Or do you want to take every breath knowing that it has a powerful purpose? That it bestows you the chance to grow, help, empathise, understand, give, learn, create, feel? Personally, I opt for the latter. And you? • Main image: shutterstock/Song_about_summer happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Altruism | Authenticity | Myers-Briggs Personality Test Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Being in any kind of relationship with someone lacking in empathy and compassion can be challenging. But as Dee Marques suggests, you don't have to put up with it. Discover the signs that show someone lacks empathy and learn eight ways to handle them successfully. As human beings, we’re wired to share experiences and connect with others. When we do that, we usually expect others to understand us, or at least to acknowledge our emotions. And that’s precisely why it’s so hurtful to come across someone who lacks empathy. The experience can leave us confused and resentful, but there are things we can do to cope with it. In this article we’ll look at why some people struggle to empathize with others, common lack of empathy signs, and what you can do when dealing with people low on empathy. What is empathy? At its most basic, empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Showing empathy means being able to identify and recognize the needs, feelings and intentions of other people around us, even if they’re different from ours. The concept of empathy has been central to keeping societies together. Being able to empathize with others can make everyday interactions smoother and reinforce interpersonal bonds, whether they are personal or professional. Empathy is also related to other important aspects of human behaviour, such as altruism and compassion. What’s more, empathy is considered an important aspect of emotional intelligence, as it helps us regulate our emotional response in a way that benefits us and those around us. As such, it can be beneficial to mental health, since empathetic people tend to enjoy stronger and more rewarding relationships with others. Why do some people lack empathy? If empathy has such a powerful effect, why do some people seem to lack it? First of all, it’s rare for someone to have no empathy at all. It’s so rare that psychologists classify a total lack of empathy as a disorder, usually linked to narcissistic or anti-social personalities. A lack of empathy causes relationship problems Empathy is a quality that displays to different degrees and has a strong situational component. This means that people can make the decision to show empathy or not, depending on the circumstances and the people involved. The degree of empathy someone shows can also depend on past experiences. Some people may have opened up to others and had bad experiences, so the automatic reaction is to shut down and avoid behaviours that can make them feel vulnerable or remind them of unpleasant experiences. Another reason why you may notice signs of lack of empathy in some people is that there are different ways we come to acquire this quality. Empathy is the result of both learned and automatic responses. It’s partly innate, so we have the ability to develop it from birth. • JOIN US! Sign-up and connect with a caring, curious and spiritual community • But empathy is also something that can be learned, so people who were raised in families where compassion and affinity levels were low may show a lack of empathy. This is because they haven’t been exposed to good examples, or, in some cases, they may not even know that some situations require empathy. “Behind a lack of empathy is the belief that someone is always right. This can lead to frequent arguments and can have a negative impact on personal relationships.” While the reasons why people are low on empathy are complex, the signs of a lack of empathy are pretty much standard across the board. Signs someone is lacking empathy Here are some common signs of lack of empathy to know and look out for: Constant criticism People who lack empathy tend to be judgemental of others. This is usually because they’re unable to empathise with other people, so their perspective is limited and they can only find faults instead of understanding that we all make mistakes. Constant criticism and an unforgiving attitude are clear signs of an absence of empathy. Poor emotional control We’ve already explored the link between empathy and emotional intelligence. Both are essential to regulate emotional responses, so people who are low on either often overreact and have outbursts of anger or impatience. Poor control over reactions is also evident in inappropriate comments or an insensitive attitude to other people’s feelings and struggles. Can’t read body language Empathy entails “reading” other people, not only by what they say but also by paying attention to their body language. People who are low on empathy aren’t very good at picking up body language cues. Because they can’t do that, they’re likely to respond in ways that upset others. They never say sorry or admit they’re wrong Behind the lack of empathy is the belief that someone is always right. This can lead to frequent arguments and can eventually have a negative impact on personal relationships. Handling someone who shows a lack of empathy So, what exactly can you do if you have to interact with people who show signs of a lack of empathy? These interactions often create a cascade of negative feelings, from disappointment to anger or frustration at not being understood. The main thing to understand is that although we can’t change people, we can change the way we react to them, even if faced with a shortage of empathy. So, the solution isn’t to get into arguments or try to reason with people who have trouble empathizing with you. Instead: 1. Don’t take insensitive comments personally The problem isn’t you, it's the lack of empathy in the other person. Because these comments stem from poor emotional intelligence, they are likely to be based on inaccurate perceptions. Don’t take it to heart, because they’re not a reflection of who you are. 2. Avoid emotion-based reasoning When there’s friction in interpersonal relationships, there are many situations where saying “when you do X, I feel Y” can work. But that’s not always the case with people who lack empathy – remember that their emotional responses are different, so emotion-based arguments are unlikely to yield results. It can even make them and you more frustrated. RELATED: Constructive criticism: its benefits and how to give it 3. Manage your expectations It would be wonderful if we could change the way people act towards us, but that’s not always realistic and especially in the case of people who are low in empathy. Avoid heartache by reminding yourself what you can and can’t expect from them and manage your expectations accordingly. Avoid emotionally-based reasoning with those lacking in empathy shutterstock/WAYHOME studio 4. Work on your self-esteem If you’ve been dealing with lack of empathy for a while, the negative comments or criticism may have made a dent in your self-esteem. Don’t let that hole grow any bigger by linking your self-worth to what others say or letting those attitudes feed limiting beliefs or negative self-talk. If your self-esteem needs some TLC, try some self-love meditation. 5. Keep your distance If you’re repeatedly hurt by someone who lacks empathy, it may be wise to limit your interactions with them. This can be tricky if they’re family or coworkers that you see everyday. In that case, it could help to stick to topics that aren’t emotionally loaded. If this doesn’t work, don’t be afraid of setting boundaries. 6. Invest in healthy relationships Keeping your distance from people who display lack of empathy signs doesn’t mean you have to isolate yourself. Compensate for limited interaction with people who struggle showing empathy by spending more time with those who do. Nurturing those relationships can build up resilience when faced with a lack of empathy. RELATED: Building resilience – 5 strategies for thriving 7. Don’t let if affect your perception of others Hurtful interactions with people who have no empathy can bring emotional pain, but try not to harbour it or resentment. It’s OK to be vulnerable, and in fact this goes hand in hand with empathy. Just be selective with who you open up to. 8. Take it as an opportunity to grow Being hurt can be an opportunity to learn about ourselves and become stronger. Don’t blame yourself, but think constructively about why lack of empathy affected you and what does that reveal about your own emotions and expectations. You can cope with lack of empathy signs We can all develop empathy, but not everyone chooses to do so. If you’ve been affected by interactions with people low on compassion and affinity, don’t take it personally, work on your self-esteem, and nurture meaningful relationships. We can learn something from most experiences in life, so take this as an opportunity to learn about yourself, your emotional needs, and how to meet them. • Main image: shutterstock/Dustin Petkovic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Enlightenment | Constructive criticism | Friendship Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Accepting ourselves unconditionally is essential if we want to improve our levels of self-acceptance and emotional wellness. Discover three practical techniques you can implement that will help you do exactly that. In his blog post on Greater Good, Srini Pillay defines self-acceptance as “an individual’s acceptance of all his/her attributes, positive or negative. It includes body acceptance, self-protection from negative criticism, and believing in one’s capacities.” He links improved emotional wellness to self-acceptance. Though closely related, self-acceptance is different from self-esteem, as the latter refers to how worthwhile or valuable we see ourselves. The former, on the other hand, refers to a comprehensive affirmation of self. This allows us to accept all of ourselves, not just the good. We are able to recognize our limitations and weaknesses, but this by no chance hinders our ability to accept ourselves for who we are. RELATED: 12 ways to practise self-acceptance Many of us who have low self-acceptance try to suppress the feeling by attempting to accomplish great things. But this only serves as a Band-Aid approach to improving our self-esteem. Srini Pillay goes on to say that, “this only helps your self-esteem for a while. That’s because achievement is a poor substitute for intimacy.” Open up: emotional wellness can be achieved with honesty The truth is, if we want to improve our self-esteem and emotional wellness, we need to honestly explore all parts of ourselves that we've not come to terms with and that we have not fully accepted. It’s only when we stop being harsh critics of ourselves that we can develop a positive sense of who we are. This then explains why self-esteem naturally goes up as soon as we become self-accepting, which is crucial to our emotional wellness and overall happiness. What triggers self-approval? Much like self-esteem, we're able to become self-accepting as children to the extent our parents fully accept us. Scientific studies have shown that children who are younger than eight don't have the ability to create a distinct sense of emotional well-being other than that demonstrated by their parents or other caregivers. Extreme parental evaluation goes further beyond critiquing certain behaviors. For example, a parent may convey the message that their child is ungrateful, not smart enough and so on, and this significantly affects self-acceptance. In short, most of us continue ‘parenting’ ourselves throughout our lives much like how we were parented. It's true that with little or no self-approval, our psychological well-being suffers, and even when we seek help, it's often less fruitful compared to other people in the same situation who are more self-accepting. “If we want to improve our emotional wellness, we need to honestly explore all parts of ourselves that we've not come to terms with.” And in those people that have low self-acceptance levels, the brain sectors that control their emotions and stress levels have less gray matter compared to those people who have higher self-acceptance levels. This means those with lower self-acceptance capabilities physically have less tissue to work with in our brains, which, in turn, can trigger anxiety and stress. Emotional wellness: how to accept ourselves So far we've seen that our parents and the environment around us have had a profound effect on our ability to our self-acceptance. But, in truth, we need to learn to let the past go and discover new techniques of accepting ourselves as we are in the present moment. For the sake of our peace of mind, happiness and overall emotional wellness, we first need to accept ourselves unconditionally. There are three main ways we can boost our self-approval and acceptance levels and therefore our emotional wellness: 1. Self-regulation Self-regulation is a technique that allows us to shut down self-deprecating emotions and internal negative commentary and instead focus on our more positive attributes. Humans are naturally wired to focus on the negative and many of us experience damaging thoughts or feelings, such as not being good enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever enough, selfish, etc. “For the sake of our peace of mind, happiness and overall emotional wellness, we first need to accept ourselves unconditionally.” In fact, repeating these internal conversations damages our emotional wellness. Instead, use self-regulation to restructure these negative feeling and focus more on our positive attributes. Look at any flaws you believe you may have and consider them as great opportunities to help improve yourself. 2. Self-awareness Sometimes, our self-accepting level goes further than our conscious level such that when we are not self-accepting, we essentially split ourselves and feel incomplete. That is, the part that needs forgiveness and the one that should forgive are at loggerheads. Self-awareness helps us understand what is happening at a deeper level. And becoming more self-aware can enable us to improve our emotional wellness. Developing self-awareness can be an ongoing goal that incorporates many different methods. Those include: paying attention to what bothers you about other people, drawing a timeline of your life, asking for feedback from friends/colleagues, clarifying your values, and simply spending time with yourself through mindfulness and meditation. 3. Self-transcendence This allows us to depend on things that are outside of ourselves to define who we are. That is, we turn to an unseen force that connects us with the world. Some of the ways we can become self-transcendent is by contributing to charities, volunteering to help the less fortunate, and so on. Self-transcendence has been proven to impact our brains positively by increasing the release of our feel-good hormones such as dopamine and serotonin. This in turn reduces our stress levels and give us emotional fulfilment, boosting emotional wellness. A family affair: our parents influence our self-acceptance Meditation for increasing self-acceptance Loving-kindness and mindful meditations are two types of meditation that can help us become more self-accepting. By loving ourselves more and not judging ourselves, we're able to lower our brain response to anxiety and stress. As we develop our meditation practice, the activity in our brain regions that affect emotions will start to improve. As humans, we're all unique, and so not all of these methods work in the same way for everyone. The important thing is that if you struggle with self-doubt and internal negative voices that you need to affirm that you need to become more self-accepting and start doing what works for you. Take it one small step at a time, and you should start seeing positive results and a rise in your emotional wellness levels. ● Main image: Colorbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Self care | Acceptance | Meditation | Body positivity | Nudism Written by Guest Author We're happy to publish articles by guest authors that will broaden the perspective and bring new insights. If you're interested in publishing an article here on happiness.com, please contact us.

There have been plenty of feel-good health and environmental stories in the press during June. Ed Gould rounds up his Top 10 from the past month to uplift and inspire. June 2021 was a particularly auspicious month for good news stories. In fact, there were many items that could have made it into this month's Top 10 which didn't. So, what were the most positive and heart-warming stories from the past month? 1. 'Extinct' orchid flowers in London A species of orchid that was once thought to be extinct in the UK was discovered in June in the unlikeliest of places. Rather than being found by researchers deep in the Amazonian basin, the small flower was spotted on the top of an 11-storey building in the City of London. The orchid – known as Serapias parvifloraIt – was spotted high up on the roof of a bank. Usually the plant is most at home in Mediterranean-like conditions and was last seen growing in the wile in the UK over ten years ago in Cornwall. How it made its way to the rooftops of one of the city's biggest investment banks remains a mystery, however. 2. Cure for hiccuping found? It may not be a debilitating ailment but – as we all know – a case of the hiccups can be annoying. But there is some good news for anyone who has to suffer hiccuping on a regular basis. According to Science Alert, a new system has been developed which helps people to stop hiccuping almost immediately. What's more, so far it's thought to never have failed. When people's diaphragms twitch, there are many homespun remedies you can try. However, the HiccAway has been developed by a start-up technology team. The device – which you suck from – causes the diaphragm to contract, thereby preventing people who use it from producing more hiccups. All you need is a glass of water and this straw-like gadget to stop hiccuping ever again! 3. Coffee consumption is good for your liver Most people avoid drinking too much coffee because it's a stimulant and can increase anxiety levels. However, a report in New Scientist suggests that consuming even decaffeinated coffee can help to avoid liver disease from developing. The discovery was made at the UK's University of Southampton where hundreds of thousands of people's drinking habits were taken into account when looking at their medical histories. Over the course of about 11 years, the incidences of chronic liver disease and steatosis were found to be lower among coffee drinkers. Indeed, the associated death rate from liver-related conditions was much better among people who regularly consumed the beverage, too. Coffee could keep liver disease at bay shutterstock/wavebreakmedia 4. Flow activities are best when awaiting news According to a report in the news feed of the University of California Riverside, the best thing you can do when you are anxiously awaiting news is to do something your brain will gain flow from. The idea is that of Kate Sweeny, a professor in psychology, who put together her approach from two different studies with 729 participants. Rather than doing nothing and allowing the mind to worry, Sweeeny's academic paper suggests that meditation is a better activity. However, Sweeny recognises that this is not something everyone can do so she suggests watching an emotional film or listening to some powerful music instead as a way of achieving flow and a less troubled mind. RELATED: Flow state and happiness – how to achieve it 5. Sleeping earlier may help to combat depression According to the New York Times and numerous other media outlets, recent research suggests that going to bed an hour earlier than usual will help to stave off depression. Doing so will move the waking cycle forwards, something that has been found to reduce the likelihood of a major depressive state forming by as much as 23 per cent. RELATED: 14 sleep hacks to get a good night's rest 6. Mindfulness and birdwatching had positive effects in the pandemic Many people have turned to mindfulness to help them during the current global healthcare crisis. However, a study published in the International Journal of Environment Research and Public Health has demonstrated that when people take part in birdwatching activities in a mindful way, they gain an even more significant boost. According to Psychology Today, birdwatching was one of the few outdoor activities people could do mindfully while maintaining social distancing. Its report suggested that staying closer to home and watching local birds helped many people to connect with nature in a way they might not have usually done, thereby gaining mental health benefits including a sense of inner joy. Birdwatching is both mindful and joyful shutterstock/soft_light 7. Drones help get rid of Galapagos Islands' rat population Famous for the development of Darwin's theory of evolution, the Galapagos Islands have been overrun by invasive rats in some places. However, drone technology has been deployed to defeat the rodents. Officials in the Galapagos National Park now reckon that two islands are completely rat-free for the first time in well over a century, helping native species to thrive, unhindered by the rats' presence. By using drones, the extermination team was able to get bait to the precise locations it was needed to target the creatures without causing damage to the natural inhabitants of the islands. 8. Urban forest announced in Glasgow Scotland's biggest city is due to get a good deal greener thanks to a new initiative that will see tens of millions of trees planted in and around the urban environment. Cowan Park, in Barrhead, and Barwood Park, in Erskine, have already been earmarked for the project already but all of the local authority areas in the city will take part. The idea, according to local councillors, is to make the city more attractive as well as offsetting much of the carbon that the cityscape produces each year. It is expected to take ten years to bring the urban forest to fruition. RELATED: Forest bathing – 6 science-backed benefits 9. The future looks more promising for bees Bees have long been declining in numbers around the world. This is big problem for plants – and humans – as the black and yellow creatures are such efficient pollinators. One of the things that has been making life harder for bees is the widespread use of pesticides in agriculture and horticulture. However, according to a report in New Atlas, bees will be able to gain immunity from such sprays if they consume an antidote. Researchers from Cornell University in the United States have come up with just such a detoxifying formula which bees can pick up as they feed, thereby offering them resistance to the sort of insecticides that might otherwise have caused them to die. Could bees gain immunity to insecticides? shutterstock/Maciej Olszewski 10. Dengue fever infections set to fall According to the BBC, a virus spread among mosquitoes as they interact with one another could cause rates of Dengue disease to fall dramatically. A trial took place in Indonesia whereby the virus was introduced into the mosquito population. During it, the infection rate for the condition was found to drop by well over three-quarters. In recent times there have been as many as 400 million Dengue fever infections each year, so it's hoped the technique will now be used in other locations where outbreaks are common. • What was your favourite story from this month? Share your thoughts with the community in the comments below... happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Nature | Biotechnology | Biology | Positive news Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Some people still think they will attain happiness through achieving goals or obtaining material things, but science suggests this is not the case. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains why happiness is an inside job and shares a three-step plan to develop your inner joy. Most of us realise that happiness is an inside job on one of two typical occasions. The first is when you get everything you thought you ever wanted... and then you find yourself still unable to find exhilaration in life. The other is when you lose everything you thought you could not do without... and then find out you have to find another way to feel good. I have experienced both such events, and each time I realised: happiness really is an inside job. After all, I cannot let external circumstances dictate how I will feel all of my life, can I? This article will explain why happiness comes from within and support this claim with scientific findings. We will also look into techniques and tools that will help you develop the ability to be happy with what you have at any given moment. Why happiness is an inside job Taking the phrase quite literally, there are two components to the claim that happiness is an inside job we need to think about. Firstly, that happiness happens inside of us. Secondly, that is a job — in other words, not something that happens naturally to us, but something we need to work at. Let us explore both elements. Inside vs outside We all recognize that happiness is an internal experience, a feeling that runs through our being. Still, we mostly expect it to come as a result of external circumstances. Unfortunately, there are many myths surrounding happiness. Sonia Lyubomirsky, a researcher in the field, summarised seven detrimental beliefs we usually hold about the feeling that do us no good. They mostly revolve around a conviction expressed as: “I will be happy when…” (something happens). The “when” is then filled with our individual aspirations – when we find the right partner, have three children, get the perfect job, have a certain amount of money in the bank, live out of our hobbies, travel the world, and so on and so on. Happiness is an inside job: showing gratitude helps shutterstock/Anatoliy Karlyuk The pursuit, theoretically, may never be completed. To simplify things crudely, this is the reason why in Buddhism, yearning is seen as the cause of suffering. I have experienced the manifestation of this truth more than once in my life. The latest incident happened recently. I finally realised a goal I had set for myself three years ago – to invest in real estate. It was a modest investment by all means, but it was enough in my mind. I had been working myself to oblivion for three years to gather enough money and buy a property; a small house in the countryside for my daughter and me to enjoy some time in nature every now and then. “We seem to overlook that we are in control of how we feel; that happiness is an inside job. We need to dedicate some effort to achieving and preserving happiness.” I kept promising myself that once I achieved this goal I would take it easy with work and start enjoying my life a bit more. I will be happily relaxed, knowing that we have everything we need. No more sleepless nights and stressful days filled with fatigue. And then, I caught myself doing something that made it clear to me that happiness is an inside job. I began thinking about starting (and investing more money into) a glamping business at the property I bought! In translation — I cannot just be satisfied about what I finally had achieved, I needed to do more. I may not be satisfied with where I am. I need to relinquish my right to sleep, leisure — and happiness — until I achieve the next goal. Money can't buy happiness (except when you spend it like this) What make people happy across the world – happiness in different cultures What is happiness exactly, anyway? So, inevitably, one thing comes to mind. No, I will not be happy with the next thing either. Happiness is an inside job. We choose to be pleased with something or be miserable about this or that. If this were not the case, we would see massive differences in happiness based on various external factors such as age, marital and socioeconomic status, education, religion or competencies. But we do not. Even though consistent and assumably causal, the differences revolve between 10% and 15%. So, there must be some other reason why some people (and nations) are happy regardless of what they have, where and how they live. Indeed, some individuals and cultures seem to know how to maintain peace and contentment regardless of what is happening in their lives and how much they have. And the reason? Those people understand that happiness is an inside job. One cannot rely on good luck or attainments to be joyful. We need to do the work inside. Job vs passivity A detailed look into 15 nations’ beliefs about happiness revealed that people across the world believe that happiness is fragile. We consider it fleeting. When happy, we feel that this may easily turn into a less favourable state. This culture-wide conviction reflects our passivity in the face of emotions. We seem to overlook that we are in control of how we feel, that happiness is an inside job. In other words, we need to dedicate some effort to achieving and preserving happiness. We cannot just wait for something or someone to make us jovial. But how to do the work? If happiness is an inside job, what are the tools of the trade? How to become happier with what you already have Now that we have understood that happiness is an inside job, we need to speak about how to work towards it more. At the basis of every tool I suggest here is one tenet — proactivity. Instinctively, most of us merely go with the flow of events and emotions. Nonetheless, proactive emotion regulation is a key to maintaining resilience in the face of adversities. We give you a few techniques to try in order to learn how to enact the “happiness is an inside job” principle in practice. Before we delve into four practical options, we will look into a concept at their core. Happiness is an inside job primarily dependent on learning and re-learning how we perceive others, ourselves, and our prospects in life. In other words, to become happy regardless of what destiny throws on our path, we need to learn to be optimistic. Nothing speaks of the fact that happiness is an inside job as the concept of learned optimism. It is a notion found in positive psychology postulated by its founding father, Martin Seligman. “When we develop gratefulness, our long-term well-being significantly improves, as has been confirmed by scientific research. So, learn to acknowledge the good in your life and keep counting your blessings.” In essence, learned optimism means acquiring a conviction that we can change our attitudes and behaviours towards life events. And we can decide to have control over how we feel. According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary, learned optimism is: an explanatory style that attributes causes for negative events to factors that are external, unstable, and specific: That is, problems are believed to be caused by other people or situational factors, the causes are seen as fleeting in nature, and they are localised to one or a few situations in one’s life. Nonetheless, Seligman also warns about the perils of extreme and unrealistic optimism. The techniques to develop a healthy (and healing) dose of optimism are: 1. Being grateful for your blessings Gratefulness means being appreciative of what is valuable and meaningful to yourself. We all have many things to express gratitude for in life on a daily basis. Are you reasonably healthy? Are your loved ones safe? Do you have a roof over your head? Have you already experienced many beautiful moments in your life so far? RELATED: The attitude of gratitude – six reasons why it can change your life And those are merely the basics. Those of us – particularly in the Western world – tend to forget to recognise how blessed and well off we are. Indeed, our natural response is to usually focus on what we do not have, rather than what we do. On the other hand, when we develop gratefulness, our long-term well-being significantly improves, as has been confirmed by scientific research. So, learn to acknowledge the good in your life and keep counting your blessings. 2. Helping others who are in a greater need than yourself When you accept the principle that happiness is an inside job, you develop agency. In order to further expand the learned optimism in you, you should think of helping those in need. Volunteering and contributing will be vastly beneficial and make you realise two things: Helping those in need is a great find inner happiness Firstly, there are so many people out there who are struggling far more than you, but they keep fighting. This will make it even easier to notice how fortunate you are. Secondly, it will give you a sense of power to do some good in the world. This feeling will expand into many areas of your life, including your control over your perceptions and emotions. 3. Challenging and addressing the utility of your negative thoughts and beliefs We are all heavily burdened by our automatic negative thoughts. We rarely even notice them, but they dictate how we feel about life. So, do the work. Observe your immediate reactions to stressors. Then, challenge them. If your automatic reaction to failure is a thought: “I’ll never be successful at this”, ask yourself what you gain from thinking that way? How do you feel? And how do you want to feel? Are there no alternative explanations for the situation? Yes, there are. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness So, start noticing the potential utility of your pessimism and harsh self-criticism (is it a part of you protecting you from disappointment, for example?). Then make a conscious decision to select another way of looking at things. With repetition, your new set of beliefs and mental habits will set in and help you be happier. Takeaway: Happiness starts from within Life is filled with both ups and downs. We will be endowed with fortune and ill luck. We all know this. However, if we are constantly for a godsend to feel good, we might be in for an uphill battle. Instead, we have a choice. The choice to think of happiness as an inside job — and do the work. Not just the work of tending to your needs, taking care of yourself physically and psychologically, and building healthy relationships. You need to commit to being proactive about your emotions. The key to finding your bliss lies within you. Take control. Be happy. • Main image: shutterstock/Daisy Daisy happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Acceptance | Resilience | Courage | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.