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Accepting our mortality helps us let go of busyness and focus on what’s most important to us in order to live a happier, more meaningful life. By OLIVER BURKEMAN on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. The average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly finite. If you’re lucky and you live to 80, you will have lived about 4,000 weeks. This truth, which most of us ignore most of the time, is something to wrestle with if we want to spend our limited time on this earth well. Given that, it follows that time management, broadly defined, should be everyone’s chief concern. Yet the modern discipline of time management (or productivity) is depressingly narrow-minded, focused on devising the perfect morning routine or trying to crank through as many tasks as possible, while investing all your energy on reaching some later state of well-being and accomplishment. It ignores the fact that the world is bursting with wonder — and that experiencing more of that wonder may come at the cost of productivity. As a recovering “productivity geek,” I know how it feels to become swept up in the idea of discovering the perfect system of time management. But I was eventually forced to accept that my struggles to achieve a sense of perfect control or mastery of my time were counterproductive, leading not to a life of more meaning but one of more overwhelm and stress. I came to see that I needed to give up the quest for that kind of control, letting go of the impossible goal of becoming perfectly efficient and embracing my limitations instead, so as to make more time for what was really valuable. Part of that embrace of limitation involves facing the anxiety that comes with acknowledging mortality. When we recognize the shortness of life — and accept the fact that some things have to be left unaccomplished, whether we like it or not — we are freer to focus on what matters. Rather than succumbing to the mentality of “better, faster, more,” we can embrace being imperfect, and be happier for it. Here are 10 suggestions I make in my book, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, about how to live with your limited time in mind. 1. Adopt a “fixed volume” approach to productivity We all need to make tough choices about what we can realistically get done, so that we can prioritize the activities that matter most, instead of reacting to a constant barrage of demands. One way is to keep two to-do lists — one for everything on your plate, one for the 10 or fewer things that you’re currently working on. Fill up the 10 slots on the second list with items from the first, then set to work. The rule is not to move any further items from the first list onto the second until you’ve freed up a slot by finishing one of the 10 items. A related strategy is to set a pre-established time boundary for certain types of daily work — for example, to resolve to write from 8 to 11 a.m. — and to make sure you stop when time’s up. 2. Serialize Focus only on one big project at a time. Though it’s alluring to try to alleviate the anxiety of having too many responsibilities or ambitions by getting started on them all at once, you’ll make little progress that way. Multitasking rarely works well — and you’ll soon find that serializing helps you to complete more projects anyway, thereby helping relieve your anxiety. Forget multitasking: tackle one project at a time 3. Decide in advance what to fail at You’ll inevitably underachieve at something, simply because your time and energy are finite. But strategic underachievement — nominating in advance areas of your life in which you won’t expect excellence — helps you focus your time and energy more effectively. For example, you might decide in advance that it’s OK to have a cluttered kitchen while you finish your novel, or to do the bare minimum on a particular work project, so you can spend more time with your children. “When we recognize the shortness of life — and accept the fact that some things have to be left unaccomplished, whether we like it or not — we are freer to focus on what matters.” To live this way is to replace the high-pressure quest for work-life balance with something more reasonable: a deliberate kind of imbalance. 4. Focus on what you’ve already completed, not just what’s left to do Since the quest to get everything done is interminable by definition, it’s easy to grow despondent and self-reproachful when you can’t get through your whole to-do list. One counter-strategy is to keep a “done list,” which starts empty first thing in the morning, but which you can gradually fill in throughout the day as you get things done. It’s a cheering reminder that you could have spent the day doing nothing remotely constructive… yet you didn’t. 5. Consolidate your caring Social media is a giant machine for getting you to spend your time caring about the wrong things — and too many of them at once. We’re exposed to an unending stream of atrocities and injustices, each of which might have a legitimate claim on our time and our charitable donations, but which add up to something no human could ever effectively address comprehensively. Once you grasp that fact fully, it’s good to consciously pick your battles in charity, activism and politics — and devote your spare time only to those specific causes. Focus your capacity for care, so you don’t burn out. 6. Embrace boring and single-purpose technology Digital distractions allow us to escape to a realm where painful human limitations don’t seem to apply: scrolling idly around online, you need never feel bored or constrained in your freedom of action, which isn’t the case when it comes to doing work that matters. You can combat this by making your devices as boring as possible, removing social media apps and, if you dare, email. It’s also helpful to choose devices with only one purpose, such as the Kindle reader. Otherwise, temptations will be only a swipe away, and you’ll feel the urge to check your screens anytime you’re bored or facing a challenge in your work. 7. Seek out novelty in the mundane Time seems to speed up as we age, likely because our brains encode the passage of years based on how much information we process in any given interval. While children have many novel experiences and time therefore seems slower to them, the routinization of older people’s lives means that time seems to pass at an ever-increasing rate. RELATED: Mindful minutes - 10 small practices that make a big difference The standard advice is to combat this by cramming more novel experiences into your life. That can help, but it’s not always practical. An alternative is to pay more attention to every moment, however mundane — to find novelty by plunging more deeply into your present life. Try going on unplanned walks to see where they lead you, taking up drawing or birdwatching, or playing “I Spy” with a child — whatever draws your attention into the moment more fully. Spend more time on simple pleasures shutterstock/Just dance 8. Be a researcher in relationships The desire to feel in control of our limited time causes numerous problems in relationships, resulting not only in controlling behavior, but also commitment-phobia, the inability to listen, boredom, and missing out on the richness of communal experiences with others. “Pay more attention to every moment, however mundane — to find novelty by plunging more deeply into your present life.” When faced with a challenging or boring moment in a relationship, try being curious about the person you’re with, rather than controlling. Curiosity is a stance well-suited to the inherent unpredictability of life with others, because it can be satisfied by their behaving in ways you like or dislike — whereas if you demand a certain result instead, you’ll often be frustrated. 9. Cultivate instantaneous generosity Whenever a generous impulse arises in your mind, give in to it right away rather than putting it off. Don’t wait to figure out if the recipient deserves your generosity or if you really have the time to be generous right now (with all of the work you have left to do!). Just do it. The rewards are immediate, too, because generous action reliably makes you feel much happier. 10. Practise doing nothing When it comes to the challenge of using your 4,000 weeks well, the capacity to do nothing is indispensable, because if you can’t bear the discomfort of not acting, you’re far more likely to make poor choices with your time, such as attempting to hurry activities that can’t be rushed, or feeling you ought to spend every moment being “productive,” regardless of whether the tasks in question really matter. RELATED: How to practise Niksen – the art of doing nothing Doing nothing means resisting the urge to manipulate your experience or the people and things in the world around you, and to let things be as they are. You can try the “do-nothing” meditation, where you set a timer for 5-10 minutes and then try doing nothing; if you catch yourself doing something — thinking, say, or even just focusing on your breath — gently let go of doing it. As you keep letting go, you’ll increase your ability to do nothing, and gradually regain your autonomy. You’ll no longer be so motivated by the attempt to evade how reality feels here and now; instead, you’ll learn to calm down, and to make better choices with your brief allotment of life. • Main image: shutterstock/Syda Productions This essay is adapted from Four Thousand Weeks, published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux. Copyright © 2021. All rights reserved. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mindfulness | Gratitude | Friendship Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Authenticity can seem like a risky venture in the current screen-obsessed age, wherein we constantly strive to fit in and be accepted by others. Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s necessary to let go of the fear of being judged in order to cultivate an authentic life. Being authentic in this technology-dominated era can be challenging, especially when we’re constantly bombarded with messages of who we ‘ought to be’, what we ‘should’ desire and how we ‘must’ express ourselves. Consequently, many of us have at some point portrayed ourselves as who we think we are or want to be perceived as, rather than representing who we really are. The downside of portraying who we aren’t is that we’re telling ourselves that the real or true version of us isn’t worthy of being seen. This constant fear of being judged or rejected can chip away at our ability to be our most authentic self. Why is it difficult to overcome inauthenticity? As children, most of us were taught by parents, teachers and other shaping forces like society and religion to ‘fit in’ or conform to a prescribed set of rules and practices. As a result, we ingrain beliefs, thoughts and emotions and exhibit behaviors which allow us to ‘blend in’ and be accepted, be it to form connections, find love or pursue success. This need to fit in and do as we’re taught is stimulated by our “Adaptive Self”, which primarily plays the role of helping us function and coexist in the society in a purposeful way. However, in our constant struggle to carve our niche in the society as we balance our inner-selves and our outer aspects, sometimes we tend to suppress or hide our true selves. This can prevent us from activating our “Authentic Self” and living a meaningful life in tune with our values and purpose. What does being your authentic self involve? “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are,” states Brené Brown, research professor at University of Houston. Brown has spent decades studying shame, courage and vulnerability. Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen. Authenticity means embracing who you truly are Indeed, authenticity is a fundamental component of happiness. A study by Alex M Wood et al revealed that authenticity is an integral part of well-being. Being authentic can also improve self esteem as well as lower stress and anxiety. 8 ways to be your authentic self Discovering our authentic self is essential for happiness and forming meaningful connections. Reclaiming authenticity involves identifying our core values, letting go of borrowed notions of perfection, and changing our perspective to see vulnerability as an act of courage, instead of something to be avoided. Here are eight practical ways you can take steps to cultivate authenticity: 1. Identify your core values Creating a connection with our true nature is essential for building our authentic self. Start by identifying some values that are fundamental for you: which make you happy and which are the values you cannot absolutely compromise upon? Incorporating visualization meditation into your daily routine can help the process of value identification. For example, some of my core values for a happy and meaningful life are honesty and openness in relationships, kindness and empathy for myself and others, gratitude for the gifts I have in my life, along with constant learning for growth. Indeed, your core values arise from your own expectations, needs and experience, and need not be the same as anyone else’s. “Authenticity can mean different things to different people, but in general it refers to the ability to live by our values, speaking our truth with assertiveness, and developing the courage to allow our true selves to be seen.” Once you list down your core values, break each one down into three actionable steps that will help you live these values better. Since I value honesty and openness in my relationships I try to practise mindfulness, deep listening and forgiveness, so that I can live in closer alignment with my core values. 2. Start making conscious decisions Sometimes, we wade through the day in auto mode without even contemplating if our thoughts and actions resonate with our authentic selves. Try observing yourself keenly to learn more about how you react to challenges, what motivates you, the nature of your social interactions, etc. Notice which behaviors and settings evoke responses from your Adaptive Self, and which of these responses feel authentic to you. Once you’ve spotted the discrepancies between your actions and values, you can utilize this self-awareness to devise conscious statements and actions that resonate with your authentic self. 3. Devise and uphold your boundaries “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect,” as Joan Didion, the renowned American writer famously quoted. Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable. Indeed, being your authentic self is not always easy, and living by your principles may require a few difficult conversations, a potential job switch, or even ending a friendship if necessary. RELATED: Uncomfortable truths – how to say 'no' However, by being honest about our boundaries, we’re indicating to our subconscious that it’s OK to not be perfect all the time, thus developing self-validation. Authenticity allows us to share our vulnerability with appropriate boundaries in place, ie, with people who have the same values as you, and those who you feel comfortable with. 4. Instill mindfulness Mindfulness can help you find happiness and contentment in the small joys that each day brings, thus boosting your mood and overall happiness levels. Additionally, being mindful allows you to observe and understand how you feel and react towards various stimuli in your environment. Keeping physical reminders of mindfulness quotes and practising mindful listening are some effective ways to improve self-awareness and slowly cultivate your authentic self. 5. Exercise compassion towards yourself and others Practising self-compassion allows us to be supportive, kind and accepting towards ourselves, in addition to boosting authenticity in relationships. That’s according to researcher Kristin Neff, who was the first to measure the construct for self-compassion. Practising loving-kindness meditation can prove to be an effective tool for reinforcing feelings of connection and kindness with oneself and others, thus aiding the development of one’s authentic self. Practising compassion unlocks authenticity shutterstock/imtmphoto 6. Embrace vulnerability We often shirk away from being authentic due to the fear of being potentially judged or getting distanced from people around us. Start by asking yourself what you are afraid may happen if you put yourself out there in a scenario that makes you feel vulnerable. Next, proceed to imagine what would happen if you avoided expressing your feelings or needs or asking for that raise that you think you undoubtedly deserve. Could the inability to share or express yourself potentially result in depression or self-sabotage? Thereupon, remind yourself why it’s important for you to live your authentic self by overcoming the vulnerability hangover. Further, you can formulate a rational approach or well-devised plan for expressing your feelings and needs, in a way that is in sync with your authentic self. 7. Practise letting go In her bestseller book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr Brown reveals that letting go plays an essential role in cultivating your authentic self. While Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability largely reveal that most people allow their inhibitions to take over due to the fear of being emotionally exposed, she came across a group of outliers who reacted differently to such potentially uncertain situations. Dr Brown calls these outliers ‘the wholehearted’, and she named this way of living the ‘wholehearted living’. “Cultivating authenticity requires us to give up the temptation to appease others and the need to behave in a way that makes us more likeable.” According to her research, wholehearted living comprises of embracing imperfections and living life to one’s fullest potential, without letting the fear of other people’s opinions affect their beliefs and actions. Being your authentic self requires you to accept that what others think of you is none of your business, and cultivate the courage to let go of thought-patterns and limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. 8. Set goals for constant learning Developing a growth mindset and being open to self-improvement through ongoing learning can help you attain your authentic self at a sustained pace. Your goals need not just be related to the pursuit of wealth and success – in fact, research points out that non-materialistic life goals lead to happiness as surely – if not more consistently – than materialistic goals. An objective as simple as integrating awe into your daily life can inspire you to learn new things about yourself and life around you. Round-up: cultivating authentic self While we are conditioned from an early age to suppress or hide our authentic self, authenticity is essential for building a life that brings us meaning and joy. Examining our true self to develop authenticity can be a long and cumbersome process, but the rewards in terms of greater life satisfaction and improved relationships make it worth the effort. Main image: shutterstock/ESB Basic happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Mindfulness can help us maintain our well-being in the face of difficult situations. By Mitch Abblett on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. “You’re making Daddy late for work!” I said, standing over my then-three-year-old daughter with the winter coat I was insisting she wear. “No! I’m not wearing it!” Celia screamed. My anger surged. Thoughts of “I’m sick of this” and “She’s doing this on purpose” swept through my mind. I was scheduled to conduct a 9 a.m. parent training therapy session, and her resistance would make me late. Ironically, it was on 'mindful parenting'. Mindlessly, I pressed my agenda. Understandably, she pushed back. “NO!!” she yelled, dropping rag-doll-style to the kitchen floor. I lost it. Bending down nose to nose with her, I yelled: “Celia! Put on your f***ing coat!” She froze. I jammed the coat onto her, led her to the car, buckled her in, and drove to daycare. My daughter, usually chatty, was notably silent. Me? My cheeks burned red with the shame and self-doubt of a man completely convinced he was a 'horrible father.' And then, from the serene calm of the backseat, my daughter spoke up. “But daddy?” she asked. “What, Celia?” I expected the usual request for a snack, or for me to flip on her favourite Mickey Mouse songs. “But, daddy, I don’t want to wear my f***ing coat.” If you’re a parent, you may recognize yourself in this story. But let it soak in that I’m not only a dad, but also a child and family psychologist and a mindfulness author. Let yourself feel a bit better for all of your own angry, self-doubting, anxious, avoidant, or compulsive reactions to difficult circumstances. It happens to all of us. Getting angry or irritable in day-to-day life is normal shutterstock/George Rudy Even if you’re not a parent, you still have your own moments of surging thoughts and emotions leading to highly reactive and 'unskillful' behavior. Whether you’ve ruminated over a fight with a loved one or avoided work by taking a not-so-sick day, you’ve fallen prey to a negative habit of mind that is keeping you stuck and miserable. “Let yourself feel a bit better for all of your own angry, self-doubting, anxious, avoidant, or compulsive reactions to difficult circumstances. It happens to all of us.” In my new book, The Five Hurdles to Happiness, I describe five problematic and reactive habits of mind (or hurdles) that were originally identified in ancient contemplative and meditative traditions, and I explain how they affect our happiness, peace, compassion, clarity of mind, and effective action. Though these habits evolved for important reasons — to keep us safe from danger, for example — many of us find them less than useful in our modern world, where they can wreak havoc on our well-being. The five hurdles to happiness So, what are these five hurdles to happiness? Here's a brief description of each, with examples of how they can become obstacles in our lives. 1. Desire Craving for pleasurable experiences of people, places, or things. Desire for pleasure is completely normal. It’s compulsive craving that leads to excessive costs to our effectiveness and, in extremes, to the impairments and perils of addiction. For example, 8 per cent of U.S. adults have experienced an alcohol use disorder at some point in their lifetime. 2. Aversion Anger, frustration, and hostility when we perceive life circumstances 'shouldn’t' be as they are. We all get irritable and frustrated with daily life from time to time — it’s natural to want to 'push away' from aversive situations (and people). The problem is how toxic anger can be to our relationships, and even our physical health. 3. Mental fatigue The clouded, dull, sluggish state of mind that saps our concentration and ability to see others, the world, and ourselves clearly. We all 'zone out' on occasion, but when our minds regularly tune out the world around us because it’s unsatisfactory in some way, then we pay an unnecessary cost. According to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, 26.5 per cent of individuals in the U.S. over the age of 16 report feeling unrested during the day, with 25 per cent reporting difficulty concentrating. 4. Restlessness Anticipating the threat of negative outcomes in the future, and a lack of abiding in the present. Our powerful human brain evolved to help us quickly and efficiently anticipate threats in our environment. When anxiety becomes extreme, though, it can seriously block us in everyday life. In a 12-month period, approximately 25 per cent of U.S. adults would meet diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder, and in 2004 anxiety disorders cost the European Union more than €41 billion. 5. Doubt Uncertainty about our situation and ourselves that blocks our ability to see the way forward with flexibility and our willingness to engage with challenges and demands in our daily lives. People with chronically high levels of self-doubt are much less confident and, for example, report lower self-esteem when presented with a memory task. Practice SNAPPing awake when hurdles arise While we can’t change experiences or objects that trigger us, we can shift how we relate to them — meaning, the thoughts, images, and uncomfortable bodily sensations that accompany them. How? Through learning about and practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is a state of nonjudgmental paying of attention to one’s experience of the present moment and is key to detangling ourselves from habitual ways of responding. Cultivating mindfulness, we can learn to lean into habitual patterns when they show up and ultimately sidestep them, allowing for more consistent experiences of happiness and well-being. RELATED: 7 mindfulness tips for staying engaged As researcher Judson Brewer has demonstrated, mindfulness practices offer the possibility of severing habitual cycles at their source in the brain. For example, studies suggest that mindfulness can help us stop smoking, manage anxiety, and change problematic eating by cutting the link between conditioned cues in our environment and our habitual responses to those cues. We simply need to learn to leap over these hurdles to happiness with consistent practice. Here’s a sample of how you might practice doing so, by 'SNAPPing' awake: 1. Stop what you’re doing for just a moment when you can tell you’re getting triggered by something in your environment. 2. Notice with curiosity what is happening in your body and your mind. Witness and watch the energetic play of bodily sensations and the continuous flow of thoughts and mental images as each is born, lives, and passes on its own. 3. Allow these experiences to be just as they are, without judgment or attempts to control them. This doesn’t mean you’re signing up for discomfort or pain; you’re choosing to recognize what’s happening in the moment without trying to change it. Tackle uncomfortable bodily feelings with deep belly breathing shutterstock/fizkes 4. Penetrate uncomfortable sensations in the body with full, deep belly breaths, and continue to breathe in this way until you notice your experience shifting and your negative patterns of thought and feeling beginning to dissolve and become more flexible. 5. Prompt yourself to move or act with intention in the direction that feels most important and reflects compassionate care for others. Pause to remember to be kind to yourself and to appreciate your efforts in working with your habitual patterns. When bringing mindfulness to our habits, we build the skill of deeply listening to what these patterns are telling us about how we play defense against pain every day, and how we might learn to be with our body and mind with spacious presence and clear awareness. That way, we can look at our lives with less distortion and leap forward with more purpose and direction. I certainly have tried to practice bringing mindfulness to my own habit loops, and Celia, now nine years old, is the prime beneficiary. It’s easier for me to slow down before I slide into my old, unhealthy, reactive 'Abblett anger.' And I’ve got the absence of F-bombs in recent years to prove it! ● Main image: shutterstock/Olga Danylenko This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Managing unpleasant symptoms and changing your lifestyle drastically – living with a chronic illness is challenging. But it needn't break you down. James Frew explains how mindfulness and meditation has given him the resilience to thrive while living with a long-term condition... All it took was a fall in the middle of a road to realize something was wrong. It was July 2013 and I'd just returned from a month-long overseas business trip. I was tired, unable to think properly, and was regularly physically sick after eating. But it wasn't until that moment on the road outside the office that I became convinced this wasn't just a severe case of jet lag. The following day, I visited the doctor and so started months of tests, false starts, and inconclusive assessments. It wasn't until January 2014 that I received an official diagnosis of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). All the while, I'd been away from work, barely able to leave the house, with my symptoms worsening. Although there was relief in the diagnosis – finally having a name for the ensemble of seemingly unrelated symptoms – it was much more the beginning than the end. Truthfully, it was the start of living with chronic illness and pain. Learning to live with Dysautonomia A lot of people would say that living with a chronic illness is quite an isolating experience. That's certainly how I felt, especially in the first few years of my condition. The symptoms of POTS, a form of dysautonomia or autonomic dysfunction, vary significantly between individuals and fluctuate on a daily and sometimes even hourly basis. For me, unpredictability was, and still is, one of the most demanding challenges to overcome. When in the middle of an extreme flare-up of symptoms, it's difficult to communicate to others how you're feeling, particularly when suffering from the cloudiness of brain fog. For many years, I couldn't work because of the debilitating cognitive effect this had on me. Some people say it feels like having cotton wool in your brain; you're aware there's something there, but it's hard to find clarity in it. James lives with the chronic condition POTS This isn't uncommon for POTS patients, either. According to Dr. Lesley Kavi, Visiting Professor at Birmingham City University and Trustee and Chair of the charity PoTS UK, the most debilitating symptom of POTS “varies very much from person to person depending on the set of symptoms they have. I read many comments that say the brain fog is the worst, but not everyone says this.” This is typical when discussing chronic illnesses. Like the common cold, some illnesses are short-lived and unpleasant; chronic illnesses, though, don't have a known end-point. Although there's no way to say for sure, I'll probably experience POTS symptoms for the foreseeable future. While some people find their condition naturally resolves, Dr. Kavi notes that many, “especially those with inherited conditions that cause [POTS], can have symptoms long-term.” Living with chronic illness Chronic illnesses are generally defined as long-term conditions with no cure. However, there's no one accepted definition of a chronic illness, so its hard to get an accurate measure of how many people suffer with a long-term condition. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) opts for the term chronic disease, and estimates that six in ten adults have a long-term condition which affects their daily lives. Often, the symptoms are wide-ranging, diverse and unpredictable. As a result, living with chronic illness can sometimes feel like a continual trial. For every positive moment, there are a handful of upsetting, distressing, or frustrating ones. Following the onset of my illness, I found it particularly hard to come to terms with how different my life now was. Even simple things like going out of the house require effort and preparation. “Often, the symptoms are wide-ranging, diverse and unpredictable. As a result, living with chronic illness can sometimes feel like a continual trial. For every positive moment, there are a handful of distressing or frustrating ones.” It's not helped that I tend not to look any different outwardly. The effects of POTS are primarily internal, like a sudden increased heart rate, low blood pressure and digestive issues. This type of condition is usually referred to as an invisible illness, a common trait of many chronic illnesses. As a previously well man in his early 20s when POTS first took hold, most people couldn't see the suffering I was going through. As a result, I was nervous about going out and anxious about how people may interact with me if I need to sit down on a busy bus or train or use an accessible toilet. Most days, I still feel this way. I know I tend to shy away from spontaneity, preferring low-key plans instead. But after so many years living with chronic illness, I've become used to accepting my difference. Meditation to calm anxious thoughts There wasn't an overnight transformation; I didn't wake up one morning comfortable in my skin and ready to take on the world. It was a gradual process over many years, continually chipping away at the biases and thought patterns from before. But I didn't do it alone, either. After reading about a meditation app online, I ignored my misplaced skepticism about the practice and gave it a go. RELATED: Do mindfulness apps work? In the years since, I've spent at least ten minutes a day training my mind to be comfortable with feelings and learning that I am not my thoughts and I'm not defined by my condition. Where I used to spend long periods worrying about what people may think, I've come to accept that these are the musings of an anxious mind concerned about a future that may never happen. This regular practice has also helped me feel connected to others, even while physically alone. James' 'Be more kind' tattoo Although you might never meet them in person, the internet offers a way to connect with other people living with chronic illness around the world. I've spent many hours in the /r/POTS subreddit chatting, learning, and supporting the newly-diagnosed. In fact, the benefits of this type of interaction were confirmed by a 2016 study published in Qualitative Health Research, which found that online communities strengthened relationships, exchanged knowledge, and raised awareness about specific illnesses. Finding ways to manage chronic pain My meditation practice meant that I could focus on the present moment, rather than the future or the past. But is also helped manage the chronic pain caused by POTS in combination with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS), a connective tissue disorder. The pain still exists, of course, but it is my reaction to it that has changed. Chronic pain is a highly challenging condition to live with. My personal experience hasn't been overwhelming, but an underlying current of long-term pain. RELATED: 9 science-backed benefits of meditation However, it can be extremely debilitating for many people suffering from it. As the mechanisms behind this agony aren't yet understood, treatments are variable, and some find them ineffective. Still, there's growing evidence, like the meta-study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine in 2016, that a regular meditation practice can help make living with chronic illness and long-term pain more manageable. Coping with mental health and chronic illness Meditation is just one technique I've come across to ease the difficulty of living with chronic illness. As Dr. Kavi points out, "it can be a challenge to cope with the fluctuations; some people don't need help with [their] mental health, some gain benefit from psychological therapies including CBT [or] mindfulness, and some have medication." Although mindfulness has been the most successful for me, it didn't happen in isolation. Not long after my diagnosis, I was prescribed SSRI-based anti-depressants to help manage my mental health. Alongside this, I took a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) course and followed that up with counseling. “There's growing evidence that a regular meditation practice can help make living with chronic illness and long-term pain more manageable.” Everyone's experience is different, but the key to living with chronic illness is to do what's right for you. These therapies and techniques were effective for me, but they might not be for everyone. You may find it's worth exploring your options with a healthcare professional. Working around your condition In an alternative world, we might be able to spend our days living with chronic illness, managing experiences at our own pace. But in many cases, there's still a financial imperative to work. Alongside this, after a few years of relative monotony, I wanted to have something practical to achieve. But, given the unpredictable, long-term nature of chronic illness, most don't feel able to return to full-time employment in an office or workplace away from home. There are alternatives to explore, though, even if they are less conventional. James is proof you can thrive with a chronic illness Some people turn their hobbies into a part-time business, allowing them to bolster their finances without the pressure of working all the time. This was the approach that led to my return to work. Writing started as a hobby before becoming part-time job, and then, years later, a career. But that's far from the only way to earn while living with chronic illness. If you do feel comfortable returning to an office, it's worth finding an understanding employer to accommodate the adjustments you need. The important thing is to do what you feel comfortable with, and at your own pace. Over the years, my illness has given me a chance to connect with my body in a way I'd never imagined. While the struggle is real, I've come to accept that this is who I am now, and in many ways, I'm better for it. After almost a decade, living with chronic illness is still a work in progress. My experience evolves each day, but so do I. For every setback, I have an opportunity to learn from it. For each day spent recovering from the onset of symptoms, I find comfort knowing that tomorrow may be different. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Resilience | Acceptance | Courage Written by James Frew James is a freelance writer based in the UK with a focus on consumer technology, mental health, well-being, and sustainability. When not writing, he's usually listening to podcasts, enjoying music, or going for a walk. You can find all his work on Campsite.bio and follow him on Twitter.

Holding on to resentment often feels like a way to punish our aggressor, but, in reality, doing so we only hurts ourselves – mentally and physically. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares her seven-step plan to let go of resentment and move forward. I have been horribly wronged in my life, more than once. So have many of us, for that matter. As you will know, it stings, it aches, and it can make life almost unbearable at times. That is just how it goes. However, at each step of the way, we get to choose one – sometimes, the only – thing: how we react internally. It is our absolute right. Yet, how often do we exercise it? And how many times do we allow circumstances to move us like string puppets? This article speaks about bitterness for being mistreated. More precisely, about how to let go of resentment. Because holding a grudge is our choice — and so is the healthier one of letting it go. Why holding on to resentment is dangerous At one point in my life, I was being repeatedly exposed to hurtful behaviour by a person very close to me. I was also being convinced that it was my fault, and I had to stomach it. It lasted for years, and resentment built up. And, if I'm being completely honest, I have to say I chose to hold on to the umbrage. I was doing so because it was my way of stating: “Look what you are doing to me! You are destroying me! Won’t you stop?” Yet, as I learned, bitterness only poisons the person feeling it. It punishes no one but the one clutching it. It does not make the needed change. All it does is lock you inside of a vicious circle of obsessing over past wrongs you experienced. These are not merely anecdotal observations. Science backs my insights up. The definition of resentment and empirical evidence both speak about the dangers of not letting go of it. What is resentment? Resentment is a “feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility elicited by something or someone perceived as insulting or injurious,” according to the APA Dictionary of Psychology. The mere definition highlights one thing — this is not how you want to feel! Although understandable, the emotion itself is extremely unpleasant. But how to let go of resentment and not feel angry all the time? Let resentment go and feel peace shutterstock/NaruFoto Even though we often think we do not have a choice, in fact, we can always pick our emotional reactions. As the research clearly shows, when you develop your emotional intelligence, you can regulate your emotional reactions more wisely. Harms of holding a grudge Indeed, not understanding how to let go of resentment can damage both your physical and mental health. In my case, I developed two stress-related chronic conditions. At least half of the stress I experienced was caused by being caught up in my head with the injury and people causing it. Not to mention being unable to laugh, feel happy, grateful, or be productive. Ruminating about past hurts occupied my mind. As a result, I practically missed years of my life and functioned on autopilot. While I was living in the awfully unpleasant past, the real-time events went by unnoticed. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Abundant research confirms the ills of not letting go of resentment. When you do not learn how to let go of resentment, you are exposing yourself to adverse physiological processes that can make you physically unwell. Indeed, according to extensive research, unforgiveness seems to be linked to higher risks of heart attack, high cholesterol, elevated blood pressure and intensified chronic pain. “When you do not learn how to let go of resentment, you are exposing yourself to adverse physiological processes that can make you physically unwell.” Furthermore, people who do not know how to let go of resentment are under greater levels of stress, as a longitudinal study on over 300 participants demonstrated. As you surely know, stress is linked to a wide array of psychosomatic conditions. It may trigger or exacerbate a range of physical illnesses. Finally, not being able to release resentment, according to research, can also make you vulnerable to emotional disturbances, such as anxiety and depression.So, how to let go of resentment and heal from its negative consequences? How to let go of resentment When examining the ways to release resentment, we need to understand one thing first. There are effective — and more effective ways to forgive. Even though holding a grudge is unhealthy in any case, if you truly want to reap the benefits of forgiveness, it should come from your heart. In other words, you need to feel it, not just act by it. Shades of forgiveness Scientific findings reveal which kind of forgiveness is most beneficial. Yes, believe it or not, not all forgiveness is the same. In fact, there are two main forms of forgiveness, and they have different effects, according to one study: Decisional forgiveness is when you intentionally resist an unforgiving stance and respond differently towards the person who wronged you. Emotional forgiveness happens when you replace the negative unforgiving emotions with positive, other-oriented emotions. The same study revealed that emotional forgiveness is the form that leads to more direct health and well-being consequences. It involves psychophysiological changes responsible for the benefits of letting go of resentment. RELATED: How to forgive someone Such conclusions were confirmed in another study from 2016. The findings showed that when we ruminate about past transgressions against us and keep experiencing adverse emotions, we are most vulnerable to the perils of unforgiveness. In other words, when we do not reach emotional forgiveness and release anger and resentment, we open ourselves up to the risk of mental health problems. Letting go of resentment OK, so you are ready to relinquish the bitterness. But how to actually let go of resentment? From personal experiences and of those close to me, I know that parting from the position of the victim may be a challenge. The grudge often seems like the only path towards getting justice. However, remember that it is merely an illusion. Only letting go of resentment will liberate you and honour your worth. Freedom and peace await you at the end of this path. Here are seven steps to take to help you on your way: 1. Remember The first step, unpleasant as it may be, will be to remember the transgressions. Relive the emotions and hark back to all the details. Reflect on how the hurt and the anger have affected you since. It is vital to bring to light what you want to let go. Otherwise, parts of it may stay hidden and keep poisoning you. 2. Summon witnesses to your hurt Remember what I said earlier about not knowing how to let go of resentment because it was my only way of showing the pain I was going through? Instead of doing so, speak about your wounds. Talk to a therapist or a friend. Break the silence. It will be easier to release the bitterness when others witness your hurt. Holding onto resentment can cause mental and physical illness 3. Honour your pain In an effort to escape pain, we may suppress it. Do not minimise the effects of the offence. Negating the damage will not help you heal nor forgive. Acknowledge the extent of the pain and the trauma you may have endured. You will grow from it – do not worry. 4. Explore perspectives Now that you have gotten in touch with the hurt in all of its nastiness, you can start changing things. First, see the bigger picture. As unwilling as you may be to do so, you need to understand and empathise with the other person. Go back to the experiences that made them into who they are. That does not mean that everything is alright if the person has had a traumatic childhood. It merely helps you understand that they, somehow, believe that they were right. RELATED: Changing perspective and gaining happiness 5. Let go of expectations Do not expect the transgressor to apologise. Do not wait for them to change or suddenly grasp the consequences of their actions. They may experience an epiphany and fall to their knees begging for forgiveness (and yes, we all hope for that to happen). “Find it in you to let go of your resentment. Feel it. Let the hurt and the offence float down the river of life and wave it goodbye.” Still, your liberation from resentment ought not to depend on it. You were hurt by another. Do not depend on another to mend it. You are the one doing the healing. So, let go of your expectations of others and focus on yourself. 6. Forgive deeply Remember the part about emotional forgiveness? This is where it comes into play. Letting go of resentment merely because your religion, principles, circumstances or life philosophy requires you to will not be enough. You need to tap into the part of you that feels connected to all living beings. You will need to embrace the fact that life comes with some hurt. Find it in you to let go of your resentment. Feel it. Let the hurt and the offence float down the river of life and wave it goodbye. 7. Forgive yourself Now, there is one last step for you to make. After you have travelled the path above, you may discover that there is one more person you need to forgive. It is yourself. Research reveals that you might be heading for depression if you do not. Therefore, forgive yourself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, for not seeing the signs of danger or for letting wrong people into your life. The takeaway Resentment is one of the most efficient ways to make your life miserable. Is it not sufficient that you were mistreated? Do you have to keep harming yourself long after the transgression is over? Letting go of resentment does not equal condoning actions that were plain wrong. It does not mean that you accept being abused or insulted. In fact, what letting go of resentment does represent is embracing self-respect and self-love. To let go of resentment is to decide to take care of yourself and not expect others to do it for you. Letting go of resentment means you have become greater than the harm you experienced. • Main image: shutterstock/KieferPix happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

There have been plenty of feel-good health and environmental stories in the press during July. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten from the past month to uplift and inspire. July was a great month for good news stories. There were, of course, plenty of negative things to pay attention to in the news but that doesn't mean that the month was devoid of positivity and happiness. So, what were some of the happiest news items from the past month? Here's our Top 10 round-up... 1. Hydrogen used to power the Olympic Games The current Tokyo Olympics may have been delayed for 12 months but, according to Euronews, it will be one of the greenest games ever. That's because hydrogen is being used to power the event, a green technology that Japanese engineers have been pioneering. Although not all of the power consumed by hosting the games is derived from hydrogen, the idea is to showcase Japanese technology to the world. It's hoped that hydrogen, as a sustainable alternative to fossil fuels, could help the aviation and shipping industries to become carbon-free in the future. 2. Huge land donation augments the New Mexico wilderness A report in the Associated Press detailed how a donation of land will vastly augment the amount of wilderness that can be preserved in the US state of New Mexico. The Sabinoso Wilderness Area in the north of the state will become about 50 per cent larger than it previously was thanks to the generous donation. The area of nature, which covers part of the ancestral homelands of the Jicarilla Apache people will now become open to the public, since the donated land makes it much more accessible to locals. Elk, mountain lions, turkeys and bears all live in the area and will now enjoy a more protected habitat. 3. Wasps inspire new surgical technique The BBC reported that a team in the Netherlands has been studying wasps to help them come up with a new way of performing keyhole surgery. It seems that the success certain wasp species have with laying their eggs as parasites is ideal for being able to get inside the human body when scaled up. Researchers at the University of Delft have developed a new keyhole surgery method with a novel piece of apparatus that lowers friction on the patient's body. The instrument was only possible because of the observations the team made on the wasps as they laid their eggs. Wasps have inspired a new surgical technique 4. New commercial battery could lead to a green future An American firm, Form Energy Inc, announced in July that it has developed a new form of commercial battery that can store renewable energy until it's needed. Such technology already exists but this usually comes in the form of lithium-ion which has its own environmental cost. However, Form Energy Inc's approach is for a multi-day battery that uses iron-air technology. Capable of being charged and discharged multiple times a day, the company thinks its new batteries are scalable and can be used to help grids store excessive energy until such times when it will be called for. A report in Solar Builder magazine said the method could work without additional costs or sacrificing energy efficiency. 5. Madrid takes action on climate change The authorities in Madrid have decided to plant a forest of trees to help mitigate the effects of climate change on the city. According to Nature World News, the Spanish capital can become unbearably hot in summer which is why a ring of trees will be planted around the city. It is hoped that Madrid will stop trapping heat so much because of the canopy of protection the trees will afford. They will also help to make air quality in the city better as well as providing shade and a means of storing some of the carbon the city creates. RELATED: Forest bathing – 6 science-backed benefits 6. Mussels help to solve the problem of microplastics Plastic waste ending up in the ocean – and the food chain – is a big problem. In fact, smaller particles of plastic are even harder to get out of the world's seas than larger items. However, according to Food Navigator, mussels are able to process microplastics and, what's more, there appears to be no knock-on effect from them so doing. In test conditions, it was found that the sea molluscs could filter microplastics just like they do their main food, plankton. Furthermore, blue mussels effectively trap plastic in their waste which can then be collected much more easily by humans. Mussels could help clear up microplastics shutterstock/Kuttelvaservoa Stuchlova 7. Paralysed man's brainwaves interpreted by a computer It may sound like science fiction, but the brainwaves of people can now be read and interpreted by technology. According to a report in the Guardian, a paralysed man who cannot speak was able to communicate thanks to a computer understanding his brainwaves and converting them into sentences. A neurosurgeon at the University of California, Edward Chang, said that it was exciting to think people are now at the beginning of a new chapter in communication. It's hoped the technique will allow many people who cannot talk or write the chance to express themselves more freely with words. 8. Mindfulness is of benefit to families with children who have ADHD Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is something that many families have to live with and it can be hard to treat in youngsters. However, a report in WebMD stated that research undertaken at Duke University in North Carolina showed that mindfulness training can help. Interestingly, according to the psychologists involved, mindfulness is not merely of benefit to the child who happens to have been diagnosed with the condition but to his or her family, as well. According to the researchers, mindfulness training helps both the child and the parents to self-regulate their responses to stressful situations. RELATED: Academy – free MBSR course 9. Indians plant millions of saplings A programme in India to plant millions of trees to help fight climate change and prevent desertification may not be unique but its scale is unprecedented. In July, 250 million saplings were planted in a single day, the second time such an astonishing figure has been reached in a single, 24-hour period. What's more encouraging, according to a report in the Independent, is that the survival rate for the saplings is approaching 80 per cent meaning that many of the newly planted trees are likely to make it to maturity, thereby storing lots of carbon that would otherwise be in the atmosphere. 10. Magic mushrooms can help with neural health According to numerous media outlets, including the Metro, a scientific study into so-called magic mushrooms suggests that new neural networks can be forged more easily by those who consume them. The psychoactive fungi help people with neural damage caused by depression to recover, the study suggests. The research was conducted at Yale University and the scientists involved think that the effects are not just profound but will prove to be long-lasting. • Main image: shutterstock/Luc Pouliot happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Positive news | Biotechnology | Nature | Biology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Not every news story to hit the headlines in October could be said to be full of happiness – far from it. However, in an uncertain world, there were plenty of feel-good news items that broke into the public domain. Ed Gould shares his Top Ten from the month. There were many stories of hope and happiness in October. Read on to discover some of the more optimistic news items which did not necessarily always get the attention they deserved. 1. New pizza box uses less material Pizza deliveries may bring happiness to many of us (!) but we sometimes feel guilty when we consider the large amount of packaging needed to get them to our door. However, according to CNN, Pizza Hut has developed a new system. The pizza giant has said it plans to launch a round box which uses less material than conventional, square ones. What's more, the pizza franchise company reckons it will be possible to compost this new delivery system. 2. New enzyme helps recycle multiple plastics One of the great challenges for recycling more is the fact that so many plastic items need to be sorted out in order to turn them into the raw materials for new products. Different types of plastic, such as polyethylene, will not always by recyclable if they're disposed of with other plastics. However, a microbiologist has found an enzyme which appears to break down all plastics in a similar way. The news, as reported by the Science Times, means that fewer processes should be needed in future to recycle a variety of plastics, thereby meaning less of it goes to landfill or – even worse – into the world's oceans. 3. Hugging is great for mental health You may have known it all along but hugging really is good for you – and a group of researchers believe they've proved it. In a study of over 400 individuals, people who hugged were shown to feel less negative responses throughout their entire day after they'd received one. People who had been hugged showed lower blood pressure as well as augmented levels of happiness hormone oxytocin. Interestingly, single people and those in partnerships were found to demonstrate the same sorts of responses within the study. Can you hug your way to happiness? 4. Artificial leaf developed, British chemists claim Academics at the University of Cambridge announced in October that they'd hit upon a way of turning carbon into oxygen in the same way that nature does, through leaves. The idea is to turn the artificial leaf into a means of generating carbon-neutral fuel. The 'leaf' is dipped into water and powered by nothing more than sunlight. It's hoped that it can be used to make syngas, a man-made gas that's a combination of carbon monoxide and hydrogen which is used widely in industry. It should make the industrial processes it's used for greener than they ever have been if the idea can be scaled up successfully. 5. Glasgow University to study mindfulness According to The Scotsman, Glasgow Caledonian University will run a nine-week study into mindfulness that aims to find out how it can affect moods. The research programme, known as Heads:Up, will focus on various mindfulness techniques which include meditation, the ability to visualise and physical activities insofar as they impact on mood disorders. RELATED: 7 mindfulness tips for staying engaged Dr Maggie Lawrence said that her programme was based on the teaching of Jon Kabat-Zinn's mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques. In particular, Dr Lawrence wants to examine how MBSR can be used to alleviate moods following certain health disorders, such as stroke, for example. 6. Songbird no longer endangered thanks to conservationists The happiness songbirds bring people is well documented, but more and more species are threatened. However, thanks to a five-decade-long effort by conservationists in the United States, the wonderful Kirtland's warbler has moved off the officially endangered list, according to Science. It's hoped the work done in Michigan to protect it will be rolled out elsewhere for other bird species. Kirtland's warbler Jeol Trick/WikimediaCommons 7. Robots to learn about empathy In an effort to make robots more able to care for geriatrics, a scheme to teach them empathy has been announced, according to Health Europa. The idea breaks new ground because empathy has long been considered to be a human trait that even most animals do not possess. That said, machine-learning techniques have become so advanced in recent years that the idea of an algorithm for empathy is now not considered to be beyond the capabilities of robots. It's hoped the idea will be developed for rollout in elderly care homes. 8. Denmark opens power plant with a difference CopenHill has been billed as the cleanest energy plant in the world. Located on an industrial waterfront, it's designed to make electrical power from nothing more that waste that's been collected from around the country. In fact, the plant's owners claim that it will be capable of turning 400,000 tonnes of rubbish into clean energy each year. And yet, what makes it even more remarkable is that its newly unveiled sloped roof has been turned into a climbing wall, a ski run and a series of hiking trails! 9. Drinking water may bring greater happiness In a report published in the New York Post, people report that they feel happier if they drink water regularly. Research has been conducted with 2,000 people being asked about their well-being and their water consumption. Over two-thirds of people who said they were very happy in their life also claimed to drink more than enough water. However, only around 20 per cent of people very happy people thought they didn't drink enough. Could more water equal more happiness? shuttertsock/Elena Nichizhenova 10. Could a headset cure depression? According to TNW, a headset is being offered to people living with clinical depression in an effort to alleviate their symptoms. Made by a company called Flow Neuroscience, it stimulates the brain with electrical signals meaning it's an alternative to taking traditional remedies, such as drugs. Ten clinics in the UK are trialling the unit. It's hoped similar results to conventional drug treatments will be achieved but with fewer side-effects. Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Trusting a partner, friends or even the public isn't easy for some of us. If you're worried you or someone you love has trust issues, psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the seven signs you need to look for and offers ideas on regaining trust and moving forward. When you trust someone, you are placing your confidence into their hands. It is a vital human experience. Relationships — and entire societies — are based on essential faith that we will not be harmed. However, confiding is not necessarily an easy thing to do. It is also not a given. Humans develop basic trust in the first months of their lives. It is maintained (or lost) during childhood and adolescence. Even as adults, we can acquire trust issues if we are exposed to severe betrayal. Sometimes, trust issues are so deeply ingrained into our psyche that we do not even recognise having them. But if you've ever asked yourself “Do I have trust issues?”, this article will explain what they are, what signs to look out for, and how to overcome those difficulties in trusting others. What are trust issues? Trust issues are, simply put, difficulties in relying on something or someone. In interpersonal relationships, when you trust someone, you feel that you can depend on them to do what they say they will. So, when you ask yourself: “Do I have trust issues?” elaborate and instead ask yourself: “Is it difficult for me to have faith that people will hold on to their word?” Reading a partner's text? Definitely trust issues! Interestingly, according to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary entry on trust: “the key factor is not the intrinsic honesty of the other people but their predictability.” In other words, to have faith does not mean to be surrounded by trustworthy, honest folks. It is about predicting how they will behave. This aspect of trust is an important point when you are dealing with your trust issues, and we will return to it later on. Now, if we said that basic trust in people is a vital human experience — how does it happen that some people end up with trust issues? (Why) do I have trust issues? Trust is a phenomenon that exists on a continuum. It is not warranted nor advisable to have faith in everyone and everything, of course. Some wariness is a natural, evolutionary response to the unpredictability of life. However, when you have trust issues, you simply cannot relax around people. You expect to be betrayed, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of — even by those closest to you. Such an unfounded and all-encompassing nature of the lack of trust is what qualifies it as a trust issue. How do issues around trust develop? No person is alike. Therefore, it is also not possible to state a single cause of trust issues. However, there are three main paths to understand their creation, founded in theory and empirical research. The first is Erik Erikson’s work on life cycles. According to this great psychologist, psychosocial development occurs in stages. Starting with the birth until about 18 months of age, infants either acquire or fail to attain basic trust. When the primary caregiver (usually the mother) is responsive, consistent, and reliable, a sense of confidence in others develops. A failure at this stage, conversely, results in mistrust that bleeds into every later relationship. “When you have trust issues, you simply cannot relax around people. You expect to be betrayed, lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of — even by those closest to you.” Another theoretical explanation is the attachment and attachment styles proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, respectively. Attachment is formed during early childhood, based on the experience with the primary caregiver and other family members. These early interactions form a blueprint for our subsequent way of relating to others. Trust issues characterise insecure attachment. Finally, even if you were once a trusting person, a traumatic experience in adulthood could make you start distrusting others. Whether you were exposed to violence, psychological or sexual abuse, severe betrayal or disappointment, such experiences could leave a psychological scar and change you. Signs you may have trust issues As we suggested above, trust issues can be thoroughly hidden from your immediate awareness. They potentially developed when you were as young as a few months old. So, trust issues could feel like your part of your nature, not like 'issues' as such. They can be your defence mechanism — by definition, not conscious. So, if you still hear the voice in the back of your mind asking: “Do I have trust issues?” here are seven signs to look for which may suggest that you do. 1. Being overly suspicious of others’ good intentions Trust issues are equal to being excessively wary. Your mind is working under the assumption that people will harm you. Therefore, it might be difficult to accept kindness and gestures of affection for what they are. Your thoughts immediately search for the “real” reasons and ulterior motives behind such actions. 2. Turbulent relationships Trust also affects how couples communicate, as a study confirmed. When you doubt your partner’s intentions, you are likely to pick fights. When you argue, you focus on the negatives instead of your strengths as a couple. The history of your romantic relationships could reveal a pattern of dysfunction, drama, on-again-off-again kind of affairs. When you have trust issues, you could also be prone to developing psychologically unhealthy codependent relationships. People with trust issues often have turbulent relationships shutterstock/New Africa 3. A lack of profound closeness and openness Research has revealed that trust is tied to love and the intimacy of self-disclosure. The opposite is also true. It is only logical — when you expect people to betray you, you are unlikely to share information with them. You could be avoiding affection altogether. Nonetheless, mistrust robs you out of the opportunity to experience close, deep relationships. 4. All-round belief about people being deceptive Trust issues are usually most visible in romantic relationships. However, you might also have an overarching conviction that all people are dishonest and unreliable. Therefore, any social interaction is a cause for mistrust. For example, you buy your groceries and always double-check the change. Teamwork for you means expecting your coworkers to backstab you. In friendships, you are mostly secretive. Trust issues make you walk the world expecting to be double-crossed. 5. Inability to forgive and forget It might seem as if trust issues have kept you safe from harm. In reality, they have caused much more damage than good. Still, you feel that mistrust protects you. Such an impression is particularly likely if you developed trust issues after an adult traumatic experience. If you ever let someone get close to you, chances are, you will be overly sensitive to any hint of treachery. And, if they do end up hurting you, you probably would not be able to forgive and let it go. Indeed, forgiveness and trust are complexly intertwined. For those struggling with trusting people, granting forgiveness can be incredibly challenging. 6. Social isolation and loneliness According to one study, some people are highly motivated to acquire relationship-threatening information. They yearn to find out if others indirectly harmed them. Such individuals also exhibit paranoid thought patterns and act out their suspicion. However, no one likes that. As a result, others socially reject highly distrusting people because they anger them. Another study found that high mistrust leads to a greater chance of a break-up of romantic relationships in a matter of months. 7. Emotional disturbances According to Aaron Beck, a renowned psychiatrist and theoretician, depression goes hand-in-hand with a depressive cognitive triad. In its simplest, the triad means that people prone to depression will have negative beliefs about others and the world, their future, and themselves. “It might seem as if trust issues have kept you safe from harm. In reality, they have caused much more damage than good.” Trust issues make you wary of others and consider them corrupt. The future could look bleak when you expect to be lied to and taken advantage of. Finally, when you are lonely and often rejected for your mistrust, you could also see yourself as being faulty. Therefore, emotional disturbances, starting with depression, could come from your inability to trust others. Dealing with trust issues As explained, trust exists on a continuum. At this point, that means that some people will be able to overcome their trust issues with some soul-searching and support from friends or family. For others, contacting a psychotherapist or a counsellor might be necessary. What are the steps you can take on your own to deal with trust issues? Mostly, it is about changing your perspective and strengthening the ability to handle the uncertainty of relationships. Accept the risk. Let us eat the biggest frog first. Yes, there is a risk of you getting hurt. There always is. That does not mean you ought to live in hiding. An occasional bruise is a part of life. It would be best to learn to accept that such a possibility exists — and get comfortable with that. How? By knowing that you will survive any challenge thrown your way. And — by recognising that not every relationship comes with endless pain. Most people mean well and will treat you kindly. It is possible to overcome minor transgressions and grow as a couple and as individuals. Practise mindfulness. Mindfulness will help you focus on the 'now'. If you learn how to be mindful, you can overcome the ruminations about past hurts. They will not direct your present actions anymore. You will also develop the ability to handle anxieties about the horror scenarios you imagine may happen in the future. Develop coping skills. Do you remember the American Psychological Association’s definition of trust? The bit we said we would get back to later? Trust is not about the intrinsic honesty of others but their predictability. What this means is that in tackling trust issues, we are not to try and change others. Yes, some people will remain deceitful. Instead of trying to avoid betrayal, we need to become able to cope with it. Therefore, work on enhancing your self-confidence. Grow your coping skills. When you arm yourself with faith in your skills, you will be able to muddle through any disappointment from others. In effect, you will also liberate yourself from the constant fear of being let down. Takeaway: dealing with trust issues Perhaps you started reading this article with a question – “Do I have trust issues?” At this point, you might have a better idea if you do. But this is not enough. You ought to work on overcoming them. It will not be an easy road to travel. Trust issues grew in your mind to protect you from maltreatment. You feel that they have kept you safe. Yet, what they do is rob you out of your chances of a spontaneous, free life. You will miss out on everything a fulfilling relationship can give you — inspiration, support, joy, understanding. It is now within your reach to change that. Make the first steps towards a rewarding experience of letting others in. • Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Increasing numbers of us are suffering with gut issues such as bloating and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Pinpointing the cause and getting a diagnosis isn't always easy, that's why healing your gut yourself can help. Journalist and nutritionist Allison Clark shares 11 practical ways to restore your gut health so you can begin to feel better. Ever since I was a little kid I’ve lived with stomach issues – vomiting, susceptible to stomach bugs, gas, bloating, etc. You name it, I’ve experienced it. Unfortunately, as I grew older into my adult years, I didn’t outgrow my sensitive stomach. With no help from gastroenterologists, I started to do my own research about digestive health and the gut microbiome. With some dietary and lifestyle changes, I discovered how to heal my gut which has, in turn, greatly improved my overall health and energy levels. Understanding an unhealthy gut An estimated 70 per cent of our immune system is in our gut. Our gut microbiome also regulates our hormones, skin health, mental health and metabolism. Unfortunately, chronic digestive issues are highly prevalent worldwide. For example, a recent study in the journal the Lancet concluded that gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), also known as acid reflux, is becoming more common. Moreover, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) which has become a catch-all term for the functional digestive disorder that involves pain and diarrhea, constipation or both, affects 11 per cent of the global population. While loose stools and the occasional heartburn may not seem like a big deal, it could be a symptom of something more serious like the autoimmune disease inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) or even colorectal cancer, which is the third most deadly cancer worldwide and is on the rise. RELATED: 8 good mood foods “Leaky gut”, or intestinal permeability, as well as gut dysbiosis, which is an imbalanced gut microbiome, can lead to intestinal and systemic inflammation. This, in turn, may cause hormonal, mental and immune problems that you may not typically associate with your gut issues. For example, acne and eczema, anxiety, allergies, headaches, Alzheimer’s, diabetes, as well as autoimmune diseases. Furthermore. when your gut microbiome is out of balance, “bad bugs” like pathogens start to take over in your intestines and the intestinal lining can become more permeable allowing toxic bacterial components, larger food particles and other toxins to escape to the bloodstream, leading to inflammation. What consists of a healthy gut The gut microbiome consists of approximately 1,000 different microbial species which are primarily bacteria as well as viruses, archaea and some unicellular eukaryotes that mostly inhabit the small and large intestines. In general, a healthy gut microbiome is stable and includes diverse bacterial species, although researchers are still trying to define what exactly makes up a healthy gut microbiome. Various factors influence the gut microbiome such as vaginal vs cesarean birth, breastfed vs formula fed, diet, antibiotic use, illness and hygiene. Unfortunately, the global rise in cesarean births and antibiotics use deplete beneficial bacteria that could have long-term consequences and have been associated with an increased risk of developing asthma or obesity. “It’s important to remember that no supplement will magically 'cure' your digestive problems. Healing your gut takes a personalized and holistic approach.” Given that the gut microbiome plays a major role in overall human health and an imbalanced gut microbiome has been associated with various diseases and conditions such as IBS, IBD, metabolic disorders like obesity and diabetes, it’s important to maintain a healthy gut. How to heal your gut: 11 suggestions It’s important to remember that no supplement will magically “cure” your digestive problems. Healing your gut takes a personalized and holistic approach; however, there are some basic principles of how to improve and maintain gut health. 1. Eat a whole-foods, anti-inflammatory diet Diet has a major influence on the gut microbiome. Recent studies in indigenous communities have shown that high fibre diets promote a healthy gut microbiome that has anti-inflammatory properties. Conversely, a Western diet that’s high in fat, sugar and processed foods leads to more gut inflammation, a reduction in beneficial bacteria and leaky gut. An anti-inflammatory diet, such as the Mediterranean diet, has also been associated with a healthy gut microbiome. Follow a Mediterranean diet to support a healthy gut 2. Make fiber and polyphenols your friends Gut microbes degrade fibre that’s found in fruits, vegetables and legumes and produce beneficial metabolites called short chain fatty acids, such as butyrate. These have antiinflammatory properties and can prevent leaky gut and pathogenic infections. A type of non-digestible fibre called prebiotics found in foods like onions and jicama can also modify the gut microbiota towards a more favorable composition, such as an increase in Bacteroides. Prebiotics can also improve intestinal barrier function. RELATED: The 15 best prebiotics to include in your diet Polyphenols are found in foods like green tea, cacao and coffee, and can also help heal your gut since they exhibit prebiotic effects. They can also produce anti-inflammatory effects as well as alter gut microbiota composition by increasing beneficial bacteria. 3. Consume these gut-healing nutrients Collagen is the body’s most abundant protein and has been found to help heal the intestinal lining. Vitamin A is an essential nutrient for overall immune and gut health. Furthermore, vitamin A deficiency has been associated with increased susceptibility to intestinal infections like parasites and decreased intestinal barrier function. Vitamin D is the unsung hero of gut health. It can reduce leaky gut, autoimmune symptoms and inflammation, and it promotes a healthy gut microbiome. Since vitamin D deficiency is a major global health concern, it’s important to get your serum levels tested regularly to make sure they are optimal. Zinc is another crucial nutrient for gut health that has been shown to reduce leaky gut. Deficiency has been associated with diarrhea, IBD, celiac disease, malnutrition, and esophageal cancer. 4. Add fermented foods to your diet While probiotic supplements can certainly be one way in how you can heal your gut, some studies have shown certain probiotic strains such as Lactobacillus plantarum and Bifidobacterium infantis Y1 can improve intestinal barrier function, many probiotic supplements are not regulated for safety or proper manufacturing practices. On the other hand, eating fermented foods that contain live probiotics may contain billions more beneficial microbes than commercial probiotics and may benefit digestion more. The best sources of naturally occurring probiotics are found in lacto-fermented vegetables like sauerkraut, kimchi, yogurt, keifer, miso, kvass, and raw milk cheese. RELATED: The gut-brain axis – understanding how food and mood affect our health It’s best to start out consuming low amounts of fermented foods to see how your body tolerates them as some probiotics can cause digestive upset, headaches and histamine intolerance. Fermented foods improve gut health shutterstock/Tatjana Baibakova 5. Avoid antibiotics unless absolutely necessary While antibiotics can be life saving by removing pathogens, their usage also eliminates beneficial bacteria. Unfortunately their excessive use has led to a sharp rise in antibiotic resistant bacteria, which is a growing global health concern. Antibiotics can also make a person susceptible to diarrhea, a serious Clostridium difficile infection, dysbiosis and a reduction in beneficial bacteria, some of which never return. 6. Don’t fear germs This may be easier said than done seeing we are living through a pandemic, but our modern lifestyle means humans are no longer exposed to as many microbes as indigenous cultures and hunter gatherers. Living an overly hygienic lifestyle, like abusing hand sanitizer and bleach, and the rise in cesarean births and antibiotic use, reduces our exposure to microbes that we would otherwise be in contact with. This is an issue for gut health because these microbes can actually help strengthen our immune system. In fact, we need to start to reframe our concept of germs – they’re necessary for our health and obsessively killing them can end up doing more harm than good. “While antibiotics can be life saving by removing pathogens, their usage also eliminates beneficial bacteria.” Martin Blaser, human microbiome researcher and author of the book Missing Microbes, has attributed the rise in non-infectious disease such as asthma, allergies and obesity to a loss of microbes that once formed part of our human microbiome: “But as terrible as these resistant pathogens are, the loss of diversity within our microbiome is far more pernicious. Its loss changes development itself, affecting our metabolism, immunity, and cognition...The loss of microbial diversity on and within our bodies is exacting a terrible price. I predict it will be worse in the future.” 7. Rest and digest: Manage stress Chronic stress distresses our gut and can cause IBS, IBD, acid reflux, leaky gut and intestinal pain. Yoga, moderate exercise, meditation, being in nature and laughing can all help reduce stress and help towards fixing your gut. 8. Get enough sleep Circadian rhythm disruption can alter the gut microbiome and even lead to intestinal barrier dysfunction, inflammation and metabolic disease. RELATED: Can't sleep? 14 fixes to get a good night's rest 9. Be mindful of medications Besides antibiotics, several medications such as the birth control pill, metformin, proton pump inhibitors, laxatives, and NSAIDs negatively alter the gut microbiome and can cause leaky gut. 10. Limit sugar and alcohol Various studies have shown that excessive sugar, especially fructose, and alcohol consumption can lead to leaky gut. Limiting these will assist in restoring optimal gut health. 11. Test, don’t guess If none of these tips seems to solve your digestive issues, it’s best to get tested for a parasitic, yeast or pathogenic infection such as Clostridium difficile. Food allergies and sensitivities can also cause intestinal inflammation, digestive issues and leaky gut, and there are many reputable companies online offering tests. Conclusion: how to heal you gut Gut microbiome research has exploded over the past decade shedding more light on how crucial gut health is for our well-being. While each person has a unique medical history that should be discussed with a licensed practitioner, there are some basic guidelines for improving gut health so that you can heal your gut and therefore improve your overall health. Eating a high fibre, whole-foods diet, managing stress, getting enough sleep and avoiding antibiotics are all proven ways you can restore gut health and start to feel better. Main image: shutterstock/Artemidovna happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our Academy Organic food | Intolerances | Raw food | Gluten-free Written by Allison Clark Allison is a freelance writer and nutritionist and has written various peer review papers about the role the gut microbiota plays in health, disease and endurance exercise performance. Allison is passionate about the role diet and the gut microbiota play in health and disease. Find out more.

Many of us dream of living by the sea, and science shows coastal living could be beneficial for both our mental and physical health. Calvin Holbrook explores the therapeutic benefits of being in, on and by the water. Long before seaside spas became fashionable for those wanting a slice of rest and relaxation, respite close to the sea was – literally – just what the doctor ordered. During the mid-late 19th and early 20th centuries in the UK, people were regularly sent to convalesce by the coast, with sea-bathing hospitals being a common treatment. Indeed, in Victorian times, living by the sea was a way of treating those with consumption and chest diseases such as TB, as the fresh and salty sea air was believed to have curative properties. Fast forward to nowadays, and the reason many of us take our holidays by the seaside is because we appreciate the relaxing benefits of the ocean, sun and nature. But could making a more permanent move to the coast improve our health and mental well-being in the long-run? Let’s take a closer look at the science behind how living by the sea could benefit both your mind and body. The health benefits of living by the sea If you're thinking of moving to live by the seaside, here are four backed-by-science health benefits that may persuade you to take the plunger and make the change to coastal life. 1. Sea air helps you to sleep better If you feel sleepier or more rested after a visit to the seaside, there’s clear science to back up why. Dr Natasha Bijlani, a psychiatrist from London’s Priory’s Roehampton Hospital told Metro: “Sea air is good for sleep because it’s generally cleaner and fresher, with higher levels of oxygen, which can improve sleep.” In fact, negative ions in sea air accelerate your ability to absorb oxygen, and also help balance your serotonin levels, one of the body's happiness hormones. A seaside hike can lead to better sleep shutterstock/Paul Nash A 2015 study from the National Trust seems to corroborate the idea that breathing in sea air helps you to sleep better. It found that people sleep on average for 47 minutes longer the night after a decent seaside hike. That’s compared to only an additional 12 minutes for those who went on an inland walk of a similar length. Environmental psychologist Eleanor Ratcliffe, who carried out the National Trust research, said: “It’s clear there’s something really special about the coast that can allow people to boost their mood, relax and sleep.” 2. The coast boosts your mental health As well as improving sleep, recent scientific research shows that coastal living can also help in warding off depression and anxiety. A study from the University of Exeter looked at the census data of 48 million adults in England and how their rated their own health, in relation to where they lived. The results showed that people living close to the coast experience lower mental distress, but when the same people moved inland, the effects were reversed. Dr Lewis Elliott from the University of Exeter confirmed: “We discovered that the closer people live to the coast in England, the better they rate their health.” More recently, in October 2019, another study from the same team published in the journal Health & Place backed up their previous findings. The researchers surveyed almost 26,000 people to analyze the mental health well-being effects of being close to the coast. The results showed that those who live less than 1km from the sea are 22 per cent less likely to have mental health symptoms compared to those living over 50km away. This corroborated an earlier study from 2013 which concluded that you’re more likely to have better mental health if you live within 5km of the British coastline. “As well as improving sleep, recent scientific research shows that coastal living can also help in warding off depression and anxiety.” In fact, you don’t even have to get your feet wet to feel the mental and health benefits of living by the sea. Simply looking out at the vast ocean in front of you can help to put your worries into perspective. Your fears may seem trivial when you look at the skyline ahead: this is down to the power of awe. And a 2015 study showed that even just having a view of the sea can promote improvements in mood and a reduction in heart rate. Additionally, the sound of the waves can be very calming. 3. Salt water helps your body heal Physical health improvements are another potential benefit of living by the sea. Sea water is rich in minerals such as magnesium, chloride, sodium, potassium, iodine and sulphur, many of which have curative and anti-inflammatory effects on the skin. Indeed, a 1999 study from the University of Freiburg in Germany found that a combination of sea water and UVB radiation can improve troubling skin problems such as dermatitis and psoriasis. Coastal living means you can enjoy water sports rawpixel.com/shutterstock Talking to Woman & Home magazine, Kevin Benitez Garcia of Gran Canaria Wellness explained: “Soaking in seawater is nature’s skin treatment – it’s great for sensitive or eczema-prone skin.” With psoriasis, cell turnover is high, so replenishing it with minerals that the body has used up could explain why bathing in salty sea water helps so many people. • JOIN US! Find friends living the simple life on happiness.com • Additionally, the sea air contains a mist of saline water, which appears to have a soothing effect on the respiratory system’s mucosal lining. So, people living with health conditions such as sinusitis could benefit from living by the sea. It seems those Victorians were really onto something! 4. A more active, and therefore healthier, lifestyle A 2014 study from the UK found that coastal proximity increased your chances of being fitter and healthier than those who lived elsewhere – partly due to the fact that those living closer to the sea have higher levels of physical activity. Indeed, the study found that you’re more likely to exercise regularly if you live within 1km of the English coastline. “Physical health improvements are another potential benefit of living by the sea. Sea water is rich in minerals, many of which have curative and anti-inflammatory effects on the skin.” Of course, the sea offers up the opportunity for swimming during warmer months, but the water also provides the chance to get involved in other sports all year round such as sailing, surfing or paddleboaring. Likewise, the coastline provides the perfect opportunity to keep fit through jogging, running and hiking. Dr Elliott from the University of Exeter told Coast magazine: “We know that when people go to the beach, there are opportunities to be physically active and people are more likely to stay there for longer. Physical activity has a strong effect on mental health, and when combined with being in a natural, coastal environment, these effects become even stronger.” Coastal living: the takeaway It's clear from research that there are various benefits of living by the sea for both our mental and physical health. Studies suggest that it can help with depression and that a coastal environment offers up more chance for physical fitness. So, while we all enjoy our holidays by the sea, could a more permanent move to the coast benefit us? Science seems to suggest it does. Dr Elliott said: “the cumulative effect of actually living by the sea could have a much greater effect in the longer term.” ● Main image: shutterstock/I-ing happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Family activities | Benefits of gardening | Simple living Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness.com magazine, as well being an artist and travel lover. He also loves hiking, nature, swimming, yoga, sweaty dancing, and all things vintage!

The phrase 'you are what you eat' applies to our metal health too. These good mood food ideas from Calvin Holbrook could help improve symptoms of anxiety and depression. When you feel anxious, depressed or just a little 'meh', it can be tempting to turn to chocolate, ice cream or a huge bag of potato chips in a bid to comfort eat yourself happier. But before you open the fridge or cupboard door again, make sure you keep reading, because there’s growing evidence that you can actually boost your mood and happiness with food. Of course, it has to be the right type of food – what I refer to as 'good mood food'. In fact, the food you eat can have a direct impact on your mood and happiness. If you’re feeling down, it could be because your levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin are low. Serotonin is a happiness hormone that helps regulate your mood, making you feel positive and confident. A lack of it is believed to contribute towards negativity, worrying, irritability and even insomnia. In the human body, serotonin is converted from the amino acid tryptophan, which can be found in many high-protein foods. So, by eating foods containing tryptophan you can boost both serotonin levels and therefore your mood. Good mood foods: eat yourself happy Aside from tryptophan, other acids, vitamins and nutrients found in our foodstuffs can contribute to our overall mood, happiness and mental health. Improving your diet may also help you think more clearly and give more energy. RELATED: The gut-brain axis In fact, science is increasingly linking food to our mental health. A landmark 2015 article in the Lancet even stated that nutrition may be as essential to mental health as it is to cardiology, endocrinology and gastroenterology. So, with that, here’s our pick of the top 8 good mood foods that can positively impact your mental health and happiness. 1. Seeds and nuts Seeds and nuts are high in tryptophan which will be synthesized into serotonin, boosting and stabilizing your mood and also helping you to sleep better (and we all know how important good sleep is for mental well-being). “Serotonin, a so-called happiness hormone, is converted from the amino acid tryptophan, which can be found in many high-protein foods: good mood foods.” So, sow the seeds of health and add these to your shopping list: pumpkin seeds, almonds, cashews, chia seeds and pecans. Nuts can be expensive, so if you’re only going to add one of the selection to your shopping trolley, add walnuts: one handful of these brain-shaped nuts contains a whopping 318mg of tryptophan. Additionally, studies also suggest that a mere handful of nuts a day can also lower your risk of heart disease and cancer, so that's an added health bonus. 2. Salmon It’s pretty in pink, packed with nutritional goodness and a great good mood food. Salmon is full of omega-3 fatty acids, a key nutrient not produced in the body. Omega-3 fatty acids make up part of the membranes that surround human cells, especially in the brain. Studies have shown that consuming omega-3 fatty acid-containing fish such as salmon may ease depression. Additionally, salmon also fights inflammation, and increased inflammation in the body could play a role in depression, according to studies. Likewise, salmon is also a source of vitamin D, which is believed to help ease depression too. On top of that, this vitamin is essential for strong bones and teeth, as well as healthy muscles. In the pink: salmon's a good mood food © shutterstock/timolina 3. Eggs Eggs are a fantastic good mood food as they’re the source of several nutrients related to brain health –vitamins B6 and B12, choline and folate. The B vitamins are essential for a range of cellular and metabolic processes, and they also play an essential part in the production of various brain chemicals. Meanwhile, choline is an important micronutrient that the body uses to create acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate both mood and memory. “Eggs are a fantastic good mood food, as they’re the source of several nutrients related to brain health – vitamins B6 and B12, choline and folate.” Indeed, two separate studies showed that higher levels of choline intake were linked to improved memory and mental function. Eating eggs is an easy way to get choline, but you must eat the yolk of the egg. That’s because that yummy yellow stuff is where the choline is concentrated. • JOIN US! Chat and learn more about well-being and health in our online forums • Deficiency in folate and B12 has been linked to depression, and folate deficiency is common in elderly people with dementia. Studies also show that folic acid supplements can help minimize age-related mental decline, so it follows that getting enough folate through eggs and other sources may help you. 4. Dark green vegetables Your mother always told you to eat your greens, and she was right! Dark green vegetables are another rich source of folate. However, veggies such as broccoli and spinach are not only good mood foods because of folate’s mood-controlling affect, indeed, they contain other mental health benefits. Iron, found in decent amounts in leafy greens such as spinach, is involved in many neurological activities. Its deficiency is associated with anxiety and depressive symptoms. Iron also helps the body to make healthy red blood cells. A lack of Magnesium has also been linked to depressive and anxiety symptoms, and the great news is this mineral is abundant in leafy greens also. Broccoli and kale are also thought to help suppress tumor and other cancerous cell growths. Of course, eating all types of veggies, not just dark green ones, could be beneficial to mental health. A 2017 study from the University of Sydney looked at 60,000 Australians aged 45 and above and examined their fruit and vegetable consumption, lifestyle and psychological stress. The results, published in the British Medical Journal, showed that those who consumed three to four servings of veggies per day reduced their risk of stress by 12 per cent compared to those who ate just zero to one serving. Go green and veg out © shutterstock/4 PM Production 5. Tofu Another vegetarian staple, tofu is made from soybean curd. Soya products are rich sources of tryptophan and you can substitute tofu for pretty much any protein, making it an excellent source of tryptophan for vegetarians and vegans alike. Tofu also contains no cholesterol and is low in calories; two more reasons to add it to your shopping list. 6. Berries We all know that fruit is good for us, but did you know berries are a good mood food for boosting mental health? Strong scientific evidence from a 2012 showed that eating berry fruits has many beneficial brain effects, including helping to prevent age-related memory loss. The study proved that berries change the way neurons in the brain communicate. These signaling changes can improve motor control and cognition and help prevent brain inflammation that contributes to neuronal damage. RELATED: The 15 Best Prebiotics to Include in Your Diet Berry fruits also contain high levels of powerful antioxidants which help protect cells from damage by harmful free radicals. What’s more, they also contain flavonoids, which regulate mood and enhance memory. If that wasn’t enough, they’re high in vitamin C, fibre, potassium and digestive enzymes, but low in calories. Add them to your cereal, porridge or yoghurt for a tasty, fruity pick-me-up! Very berry: eat yourself happy 7. Turkey Many meat-eaters only tend to gobble down this bird over the festive season, but the reality is that turkey is one of the best good mood foods you can consume. Turkey is low in fat and high in protein. This means it’s also high in the tryptophan and, consequently, the feel-good chemical serotonin. Turkey also has decent levels of B6, which is great for fighting off depression, stress, and is a memory booster, too. 8. Dark chocolate OK, so let’s end our good mood food article on something we can all smile about! When we feel down, chocolate is often our top go-to comfort food, and if you pick the right kind of chocolate, you could see some benefits. Of course, the right kind is the antioxidant-rich dark variety, with a minimum of 70 per cent cocoa (put that Cadbury Dairy Milk back on the shelf!). “Strong scientific evidence exists that eating berry fruits has many beneficial brain effects, including helping to prevent age-related memory loss.” As mentioned earlier, iron deficiency is linked to depression and anxiety, so the good news is that a 100g bar of dark choc will provide you with 67 per cent of your recommended daily intake of iron (although that doesn’t mean you should eat two bars to hit your daily iron target – dark chocolate is still loaded with fat and calories). Studies have shown that eating dark chocolate also boosts mood, helping you to feel content and calmer. Dark chocolate also contains phenylethylamine which encourages your brain to release feel-good endorphins. In fact, phenylethylamine is the same chemical your brain creates when you’re falling in love! You should cocoa: chocs away! © shutterstock/Sea Wave Conclusion: good mood foods We all know that eating a diet that’s full of processed food, sugar and alcohol is not good for our well-being or happiness. Additionally, a lack of vital nutrients can be responsible for exacerbating the symptoms of some pre-existing mental health conditions. And consuming excessive amounts of coffee is also bad for anxiety and panic attacks. Instead, the list of good mood foods we’ve outlined above provide you with many of the essential nutrients, amino acids and vitamins that can help improve your mood and overall happiness levels. It's really worth taking time to think about the food we put in our bodies and how it can affect our mood. RELATED: How to Heal Your Gut – 11 Ideas to Restore Belly Health To boost the benefits of these good mood foods further, it’s been suggested that eating them in a raw state could provide optimal results. A 2018 study from New Zealand’s University of Otago found that people who consumed produce in its uncooked state reported higher levels of psychological well-being compared to those who ate mainly cooked alternatives. The study included 422 young adults, and researchers speculated that the micronutrients in fruits and vegetables are more easily-absorbed when consumed in their raw states, hence the benefits. You can find a lot of our good mood food suggestions included in these fantastic recipe ideas from the BBC. Why not give them a try? Happy eating! ● Main image: shutterstock/rawpixel.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online Academy classes Stress management | Gut health | Probiotics & Prebiotics Written by Calvin Holbrook Calvin edits the happiness magazine, as well being an artist and travel lover. He also enjoys hiking, nature, swimming, yoga, sweaty dancing, and all things vintage!

Is the intuitive thought process reliable, and can we quantify it? Sonia Vadlamani discusses forms of intuitive thinking and why implementing these can help us make better decisions. Perceiving an important lesson or a mysterious insight without any logical thought or reasoning being utilized –also known as intuitive thinking – has been prevalent in us humans since time immemorial. “There can be as much value in the blink of an eye as in months of rational analysis,” claims author Malcolm Gladwell. As a matter of fact, we often apply intuition alongside rationality, logical reasoning, and facts, while we are assessing a situation, even if we are unaware of it. What exactly is intuition? Intuition refers to responses or feelings that do not arise from deliberate reasoning or conscious thinking. The subconscious brain stores lessons and findings from our past experiences and attempts to recognize and retrieve these thought patterns in similar situations. These learnings are often lightning-fast and not logical at the outset but seem to occur from a deep-seated knowledge. “Intuition involves a sense of knowing without knowing how one knows,” states Dr Seymour Epstein, Professor Emeritus in Psychology at University of Massachusetts. Also known as a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘hunch’, intuition can play a crucial role in day-to-day choices as well as complex decisions, so that aunt with an uncanny foresight for predicting a tragedy or the friend who sometimes can spot incoming trouble when she meets your love interest, may in fact be relying on their intuition to make these decisions. RELATED: 7 ways to tap into your intuition Relying on intuition has saved me from physical harm and mental distress many a time. A few years ago I was returning with a group of friends from a road trip spanning several thousand miles. We debated whether to keep driving through the night to cover more distance, or to halt at an inn, so we’d be rested and refreshed when we started driving again in the morning. I usually rush through the return journey as I start missing home, but curiously my gut told me to avoid it this once. “Don’t drive tonight” was the specific answer I was hearing from within, and though surprised, I heeded it nevertheless. Intuitive thinking is our inner 'gut feeling' I didn’t quite understand the need to take a break in this manner, but somehow managed to convince my friends to do the same. In the morning, when we started driving afresh after a good night’s rest and a nourishing breakfast, we witnessed a massive accident on the bridge which was the only way out of the town. A sleep-deprived driver had tragically driven a bus off the bridge into the river the previous night, causing a traffic mayhem which had begun to clear only in the morning. If we had driven through the night, we’d be exactly there at the time of the accident. While we felt extremely sorry for those who’d been in the mishap, I was incredibly glad I listened to my inner voice. Intuitive thinking and cultures Interestingly, one’s tendency to trust their intuitive thought and the context it’s used for is warped in cultural and geographical influences. According to Gerd Gigerenzer, director at Max Planck Institute for Human Development, intuitive thinking is considered somewhat inferior to rational thinking and logical deduction in the North American and South Korean subcontinents. In contrast, a study by Emma E. Buchtel et al revealed that East Asians tend to favor intuitive reasoning more as compared to those from other regions in the world. In Japan, inner intuitive thought is encouraged as the primary reasoning method from a tender age and is honed with the guidance of masters. • JOIN US! Sign-up and connect with a caring, curious and spiritual community • Also, some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities which help build authentic self, like awareness, mindfulness, staying in the present moment and meditation practices, etc. is prioritized. Researchers claim that we begin to develop and utilize intuition as early as from the age of six, when we are still in the second stage of development, also known as the stage of concrete operations. According to the Truine Brain theory, intuition may arise from near the pineal gland situated in the prefrontal cortex area in the brain, which regulates our emotions or affective system, in addition to granting us lessons or insights with inputs from morality and intuition. “Some religions value intuitive reasoning more than others. Hinduism and Buddhism inherently encourage intuitive reasoning, thus instilling personal qualities helping to build your authentic self.” Interestingly, while intuitive thought doesn’t really originate in the gut, the presence of a wide range of neurotransmitter microbes in the gut make it possible for us to register our emotional experiences in the form of gastrointestinal distress. This gut-brain connection enables us to often feel emotions like anger, fear and excitement, etc, in the stomach area, which is why we sometimes call intuitive thought as our “gut feeling”. The four types of intuitive thinking Researchers have theorized four kinds of intuitive thinking, each distinct and unique yet easily identifiable in most situations: 1. Mental intuitive thinking Mental intuitive thought suggests one’s ability to find the solution for a problem, without the need for deliberation or detailed analysis. This intuitive skill is commonly seen or ideal for professions which require quick decisions to be made, like firefighters, negotiation specialists, etc. In fact, the US Office of Naval Research devised an extensive study to investigate the scope of “spidey-sense” or mental intuitive thinking to enable naval officers to make quick and efficient decisions in high-pressure and chaotic circumstances. Likewise, seasoned stockbrokers and financial wizards value their mental intuitive abilities for recognizing favorable market patterns and making winning trading decisions, a skill they mostly attribute to years of experience and discipline. 2. Emotional intuitive thinking Emotional intuition refers to one’s ability to immediately sense someone’s emotional state and personality traits. Michelle Despres, Intuitive Medium therapist and the author of Intuitively You: Evolve Your Life and Mend the World, describes this feeling as “clairsentience” or the “Intuitive Act of Clear Sensing”. A keener emotional intuitive quotient could mean higher empathy levels towards others, which means that in addition to sensing one’s energy vibrations and understanding how they’re feeling, one can also view a situation from their perspective. Intuition relies more on the heart than the head shutterstock/BRO.vector 3. Psychic intuitive thinking Psychic intuitive thinking involves overcoming a problem during a crisis or choosing the best path forward in a difficult situation without putting any deliberate mental effort into it. Psychic intuitive thought can be useful for preventing negative influences, or in determining your social dynamics. 4. Spiritual intuitive thinking Spiritual intuition concerns one’s own self-awareness and experience rather than fact-based reasoning. This kind of intuition relates to one’s connection with the higher dimension and elevated awareness, and is closely related to the principles of Buddhism, which renders it an almost supernatural characteristic. “While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied.” Research states that encouraging intuitive thought and relying on it can lighten our overall cognitive load and reduce the response time, allowing us to make decisions swiftly and more accurately. While intuition facilitates survival by offering quick responses in a situation, it can rely heavily on “cultural capital” or learning inputs specific to our cultural, political, moral, and social landscape. Therefore, it is imperative to counter intuitive thought with rational inputs to avoid bias or inaccuracy in our decision-making process. With sufficient practice over time and by putting your trust in intuitive thought process, it is possible to tap into your intuition to improve your decision-making prowess as well as to boost creativity. Is intuitive thinking measurable? Intuition played an important role in cognition for the greatest philosophers like Plato and Aristotle. Plato believed that intuition, be it supernatural or rational, entails the immediate perception of ideas. Albert Einstein, one of the greatest physicists known to the world, has been quoted extensively as stating, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant.” Einstein maintained that his groundbreaking theory of relativity was a result of his intuitive thinking, even as it faced critical objection from the scientific community then. Despite extensive acceptance of the existence of intuition and its effect on decision-making, most researchers have largely been unable to quantify it. However, a recent study by Joel Pearson et al revealed that the impact of emotional intuition over one’s choices could be measured and quantified. Pearson concludes that intuitive thought or “nonconscious emotional information” can improve the quality of decision making, in addition to improving the speed of decision-making and accurate results. Takeaway: intuitive thinking Indeed, intuition is a complex phenomenon as it is embedded in knowledge and lessons drawn from past experience. While intuitive input can be recognized with ease, it is difficult to describe and quantify it accurately. However, the role of intuition in decision-making cannot be denied. When applied carefully in conjunction with logical reasoning, intuition can offer an extensive competitive edge for individuals, as well as organizations. • Main image: shutterstock/Max4e Photo happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Dream Interpretation | Positive Psychology | Breathwork Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Struggling to get started with meditation? Watching how-to videos online can be a great help. Check out this guide to the best meditation for beginners videos from Arlo Laibowitz and get your om on! The internet – especially YouTube – is packed with videos on how to meditate. But where do you start when you're a beginner to meditation? What different approaches do these videos have? And are they really helpful to start or further develop your meditation practice? Well, the answer is yes, they are useful! So, here are our top six picks on the best videos around if you're searching how to meditate as a beginner. 1. How to Meditate There are many introduction videos, or 'Meditation 101' videos to be found on YouTube that are perfect for those just starting out on their meditation journey. One of the most accessible is How to Meditate on the watchwellcast channel. This channel consists of videos that give instructions on how to do 100 different wellness exercises in 100 days. Noteworthy topics covered in these other videos include how to be grateful, how to do yoga, how to stop procrastinating, how to apologise, and how to sleep better. This video on meditation for beginners is playful and no-nonsense It comes with a pleasant, but slightly quirky female voice-over, made for absolute beginners to meditation. It explains what meditation does – creating focus to the mind and training the brain – and goes over some of the scientifically-backed benefits of meditation: better mood, less physical pain, more blood flow to the brain, and lower blood pressure, etc. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Learn how to meditate for beginners The main emphasis of the video is a step-by-step guided introductory meditation of counting the breath. Although not mentioned in the video itself, this form of meditation is the basis of vipassana, or insight meditation. Within the span of 100 seconds, this beginner's meditation video will guide you in doing your first practice. And, according to the video, by doing this form of meditation for just ten minutes every day you'll start reaping the benefits. If not, you can try another type of meditation. For an absolute beginner, this how-to video is really all you need to get yourself started. • JOIN US! Sign up and join our curious and caring community! • It gives you some easy and compelling reasons to do so, and explains simply and clearly what technique to use. After doing this form of meditation for a while, or when you've become more versed in meditation techniques, you'll probably need deeper material. Either by developing vipasanna further, or moving on to other forms. 2. The No Bullshit Guide to Meditation A more in-depth and longer introductory video on how to meditate is How to Meditate – the No Bullshit Guide to Meditation by Leo Gura of Actualised.org. His popular YouTube channel deals with many different meditation, self-improvement and self-actualization topics. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Leo Gura from Actualised.org teaches beginners how to meditate In this beginner's video, Leo talks on-camera at length about his own journey in his practice, and about the benefits of meditation for creating happiness in the present moment. Leo focuses more on the brain health benefits of meditation, ranging from increased productivity and creativity, to the melting of the ego, and the holy grail of meditation: attaining enlightenment. Clear instructions how to perform the basic breath meditation Leo then goes on to briefly mention different techniques of meditation, before further elaborating on a mindfulness of the breath meditation. He gives clear instructions how to perform this basic meditation, ranging from setting a timer for your practice, how and where to sit, and how to deal with the inevitable thoughts that will come up as you try to keep focused on your breath. Leo also stresses the importance of creating a daily practice and emphasises that some of the benefits of meditation will come only months or years after you've started. He mentions the importance of having a clear goal and vision on why to meditate as well. And by sharing his personal reasons, he encourages us to formulate similar goals and vision to our own meditation practice. “Leo discusses an in-depth approach to meditation for beginners and stresses the importance of creating a daily habit of your meditation practice.” This video is targeted to basically the same people as the first video: beginners that want to start with meditation. The biggest difference between the videos is the amount of time that Leo spends in explaining the scientific background, his own journey, and the process of meditation. If you prefer a more in-depth approach, and being challenged more about your motivations to meditate, then this video could be a better place to start. 3. Easy Mantra Meditation For people that already have a meditation practice of vipasanna and are looking for a new beginner's technique, Easy Mantra Meditation by the Yoga Vidya organization is an excellent choice. Yoga Vidya is a leading non-profit yoga seminar provider that facilitates retreats in northern Europe. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Easy Mantra Meditation for beginners with Yoga Vidya Easy-to-follow steps to get you started with Om mantra meditation In this video, a female practitioner (with male voice-over) demonstrates the basic and easy-to-follow steps to get you started with Om mantra meditation. The difference between Om mantra meditation and a breath meditation lies mostly in the focus that we create in our minds, either on the mantra or on the breath. However, the result is the same: that we observe the sensations and thoughts that arise in non-judgmental awareness. A nice addition to this practice is the emphasis on positive affirmations at the end of the meditation that the video guides you through. As a beginner in mantra meditation, this clip is a great start. “The difference between Om mantra meditation and a breath meditation lies mostly in the focus that we create in our minds.” If you want to dive deeper in mantra meditations for beginner's, then there are more mantra-based meditation videos to be found on this channel. And if the way of instruction of the video appeals to you, then as an added benefit it could open up your practice to include yoga, to be found in other videos on this organization’s channel. 4. Transcendental Meditation Technique (Don't Pay $1,000+) Based on Vedic traditions, this method was developed by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Transcendental Meditation (TM) has been made famous by practitioners as diverse as The Beatles, Oprah Winfrey, David Lynch and Russell Brand. What exactly it consists of involves personalised mantras that you have to pay for in training sessions by authorised teachers, although there have been criticisms of this. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Free Transcendental Meditation for beginners A free intro to beginner's Transcendental Meditation (TM) In the video a male voice-over takes us through the steps of this form of meditation. It has a static picture of a meditating man on screen as the only visual element. The transcript of the video is listed directly below the video. It might be just as insightful as looking at the video itself, especially since both video and transcript explain how to choose your mantra. It also explains the steps of the practice, that take much longer than just watching the video. The main essence of Transcendental Meditation, getting to the “no-thought zone” is addressed: how to recognize it, stay in it, or reconnect to it. It's this same “no-thought zone” that Deepak Chopra calls the field of pure potentially, or pure consciousness. “Transcendental Meditation (TM) has been made famous by practitioners as diverse as The Beatles, Oprah Winfrey and David Lynch.” The video itself is not the best, but for people that are attracted to TM, having a free beginner's introduction in working with this mantra technique might be all they ever need, instead of having to pay the high fees. Plus, other videos that also explain the technique for free will show up in your suggested videos on YouTube. 5. 10-Minute Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion For people that want to explore another technique, based on metta, or loving-kindness meditation, the video '10-Minute Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion' is a nice place to start. This video is published by Sonima, a wellness brand that empowers people to live healthy, balanced, and happy lives. Self-compassion meditation as a technique has been made famous by the American researcher Kristin Neff, who in turn drew her inspiration from the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } 10-minute guided meditation for self-compassion This is technically not a how-to-meditate video, but, in fact, a guided meditation. It's narrated by Jamie Zimmerman, a doctor and practitioner of “meditation medicine” who tragically died in an accident two years ago. There's no visual instruction on how to sit or go through the practice. This guided visualisation meditation, with imagery of nature, people, and wildlife, presumes that you have sat before, that you're already versed in mindfulness of the breath meditation. RELATED: 5 strategies to help you develop a regular meditation practice It takes you through steps in visualizing children at different ages. Projecting your memory of yourself at these different ages. It invites you to use the same words of affirmation that are used in metta meditation, to send wishes of well-being: happiness, love, peace, a life free from suffering and living to the fullest. If you've never practiced metta meditation and self-compassion meditation before, this video is a great start for beginner's. Especially if you meditate a lot within the vipassana tradition, it can be a real eye-opener on how loving-kindness and self-compassion can further deepen your practice. Sonima states that the video is especially suitable for people that are working on making life changes or personal improvements. 6. 10 Reasons You Should NEVER Meditate Still not convinced that you should dive into meditation yourself? Then you might want to watch '10 Reasons You Should NEVER Meditate'. This playful and funny video made by psychologist, life coach and author Ralph Smart, gives you ten great reasons why you should (not) meditate. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Ralph Smart convinces beginners why (not) to meditate. Ralph discusses on-camera some of the benefits of meditation. It ranges from how meditation changes the brain and the way we eat, to how meditation makes you let go of judgment and makes you stop ruminating and blaming yourself. He does all of this in a very mindful, light-hearted and insightful way. • JOIN US! Sign up to learn more about meditation and mindfulness • Although not a 'how to' video itself, this is a great meditation for beginner's video if you first need to be convinced that meditation is something for you. The promise of meditation, that Ralph stresses as well, is that it makes you live fully in the present moment and makes you more confident. And, that ultimately, it makes you happier. Now isn’t that something you would NEVER want for yourself? ● Main image: Colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Tonglen meditation | Kundalini meditation Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Yes, introvert hangovers are a real thing. Sonia Vadlamani discusses ideas on how to recognize introvert burnout and explains six ways to avoid it happening in the first place. If you’re an introvert, you're likely to have experienced the so-called introvert hangover at least once in your life, even if you didn’t realize you were dealing with it. Also referred to as a social hangover, an introvert hangover is a result of an excessive dose of socializing. Sometimes even a few hours of socializing, like a lunch date with friends in a noisy restaurant or attending a large social event, can leave you physically exhausted and mentally drained, even though the people around you show no signs of slowing down. Indeed, you are not alone, and most introverts, including me, experience this feeling. Although social hangover can happen to anyone, introverts are particularly susceptible to it as they reach their dopamine threshold relatively easily when compared to extroverts. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by being around too many people for an extended period, and the aftermath can feel a lot like a hangover. What is an introvert hangover? An introvert hangover can be described as that tired, drained, foggy and overwhelmed state we experience when we’ve overdone socializing and feel the need for some alone-time for recharging. Introvert hangover can happen due to overstimulation from a series of closely-timed events that you were a part of, like weddings or a concert, a group activity, or even a Zoom call. A common misconception about introverts is that they’re shy, or they don’t like people. This simply isn’t true, as introverts do crave human connection as well. “Introversion may look like shyness to an extrovert – but it's really more about the energy depletion and the way they experience the world,” explains psychologist Mike Dow. Too much social time may lead to an introvert hangover As an introvert, while I feel the need for meaningful interactions with friends and family, I do find myself getting quickly saturated and mentally exhausted if there’s too much noise, or if the group suddenly gets bigger, leading to too many conversations to keep a track of. In midst of the socializing if I’m finding myself growingly irritable, or plain zoned-out and retreating into a quiet corner, I know it’s proving too much for me in the moment. Some key signs that you’re experiencing social exhaustion can be: Feeling detached from ongoing conversations around you Feeling numb or dejected Developing a headache or a migraine Growing irritability as time progresses Having trouble concentrating Fatigue and tiredness Experiencing conditions like stress, anxiety and depression Prolonged social hangover can result in a following introvert burnout, which can leave one feeling drained for longer periods… hours even, or sometimes for several days in a row. Avoiding introvert hangovers An introvert burnout can be a terrible phenomenon to experience. Fortunately, it is possible to avoid the fatigue you may experience after a social event with these simple steps: 1. Accept who you are Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, emphasizes that it’s essential for introverts to embrace their true selves and be confident about the same. This will help introverts to reach out and interact with others from a place of acceptance, instead of a societal compulsion that they should socialize more often. 2. Identify your triggers There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to combating an introvert hangover, as every individual has their own triggers and socializing capacity. While a single virtual work meeting can end up triggering introvert burnout in some, others may feel exhausted from attending several social events back-to-back. “Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by being around too many people for an extended period, and the aftermath can feel a lot like a hangover.” Observing what your triggers are and the pace at which your energy levels deplete each time you socialize is key. It can enable you to customize your social engagements and plan social events when you’re energized and ready to handle them. 3. Customize your social events Sometimes, you could have had a busy day and then have events and activities lined up later that you genuinely want to be a part of or can’t back out of. Consider altering your plans in a way that allows you to derive the maximum value from the events without draining your mental batteries. For example, attending a concert a bit later after the opening act is over, or leaving a party early could prevent an introvert burnout later. I love visiting art galleries and museums when I travel, but I don’t like crowds. So, I schedule these visits for weekdays or early hours when there are fewer visitors. This gives me the freedom to spend more time gazing at the exhibitions and learning about the artist’s process, without needing to stand in a queue for hours or putting up with noisy crowds. 4. Balance socializing with alone-time “Company and solitude are like nutrients: we all need both of them, but in varying amounts,” explains Martha Beck, sociologist, life coach and the author of The Way of Integrity. Like everyone, introverts feel the need for meaningful relationships and nurturing friendships. However, it’s essential for introverts to devise a conscious balance between socializing and their recharge-time, so that they can avoid a prolonged introvert burnout. Choosing quality over quantity could prove to be a wiser approach instead of saying ‘yes’ to every social event, as cramming your schedule with too many social events could leave you exhausted. Prioritize interactions which are more important to you and avoid the social events that are likely to drain your energy reserve at a faster pace. Introverts need to balance social time with alone time shutterstock/Galyna Andrushko 5. Be honest and specific with people As the old saying goes, honesty is always the best policy. Communicate your need to recharge yourself, or the preference for number of people you’re meeting, the location etc, in a specific albeit constructive manner. Instead of saying “I can’t talk right now” or “umm, let’s meet some other day”, convey your needs and feelings more coherently like, “I’m on recharge mode and would like to be alone today”, or “I realize this group hangout has now shaped into a full-blown party. I’ll have to leave a bit earlier as it’s too much for me”. Indeed, positive communication ensures that others understand your socializing preferences and needs and try to accommodate these to the best of their ability. However, if you don’t tell your friends about how over socializing burns you out, they may think you are being rude or difficult if you vanish from an event or keep turning down invitations, so make sure that doesn’t happen. 6. Take timely micro-breaks Sometimes it may be difficult for you to back out from a social event, like an office party or a vacation with several family members or friends. Similarly, you may not want to miss out on important social commitments, such as a friend’s wedding. Opt for periodic, small breaks in scenarios where you need to attend numerous events within a short span. For example, you could find a quieter spot nearby to practise some conscious breathing alone to soothe your nerves, or take a short stroll near the event venue to clear your mind. How to recover from introvert burnout Recovering from an introvert hangover is possible, even though it may seem at the time like you’ve hit a brick wall and there simply isn’t possible to pave your way back to socializing. Here are some ideas to offer you much-needed relief: Tell yourself it’s OK An introvert hangover can last anywhere between few hours to few days, depending on the severity of the exhaustion and it’s okay. There is no need to feel guilty or apologetic about your need for some solitude. After all, introverts are at their optimal best when they’ve taken the time to recharge with some alone-time and introspection. Prioritize your alone-time “Feelings are information,” says Dow. Experiencing the signs of introvert hangover denotes that you may have overdone socializing and haven’t spent time alone with your thoughts for a long time. An introvert recharge-mode consisting of some quiet self-reflection can go a long way to heal your social burnout, as well as to ready you for your next social engagement. Jenn Granneman, founder of IntrovertDear.com, a community for introverts, and author of The Secret Lives of Introverts refers to the introvert-reward connection established by researchers, emphasizing the importance of spending some time alone for introverts. Devise a downtime schedule Indulging in hobbies like knitting, painting or fishing, or immersing yourself in your favorite self-care activity, can help speed-up the recovery from a social hangover. Try a DIY spa treatment – a luxury facial or a manicure may lift your spirits with ease. Grab your favorite book and read through your favorite parts again. For me, it’s a warm cup of a soothing tea, a cozy spot where no one can disturb me much, and curling up with one of the Harry Potter titles that does the trick. The key here is to create a calming and low-stimulus environment so you can recharge your mental batteries. Rewatching your all-time favorite movie, a comforting bowl of ice cream, or playing with your furry friends to channel the healing power of pets can also help you achieve this goal. Meditate Meditation helps you shake off the anxiety of socializing by enabling you to slow down, clear your mind and relieve stress. There are several skills you can learn through meditation, like cultivating silence, physical relaxation, and self-compassion, which can bolster your ability to combat introvert burnout in the longer run. “It’s essential for introverts to devise a conscious balance between socializing and recharge, so they can avoid a prolonged introvert burnout.” Introverts may benefit from meditating more often than once, even for durations as less as 5 minutes, as this can keep them focused and grounded. There are different types of meditation from which you choose a form that suits your needs and lifestyle the best. Sweat it out Exercise can be an effective coping tool for introverts. Research shows that introverts are more prone to mental stress and anxiety, and researchers agree upon regular exercise as an effective strategy for stress management. Working out can help you relax and unwind, in addition to offering you some much-needed ‘me-time’ following an introvert hangover. Exercise need not be boring: taking long walks or a hike along the woods, engaging in wild swimming, jogging or running at the park or lifting weights at the gym are some ways to sweat it out and benefit from the happiness hormones resulting from your workout. Takeaway: avoiding introvert hangover While introverts do enjoy the company of others, they can find socializing for long hours at a stretch challenging and overstimulating. Avoiding overbooking your social calendar, taking mini-breaks between stretches of vigorous social activity, and communicating your recharge-time needs in an honest manner can go a long way towards preventing social hangover. Research shows that introverts appreciate the time to reflect and thrive when they get the time to recharge their mental batteries. Thus, indulging in rejuvenating activities such as meditation, spending time in nature with activities like forest bathing, unwinding with a restorative yoga practice, etc, are some ways to create some much-needed downtime after an introvert burnout. • Main image: shutterstock/Motortion Films happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Compassion | Friendship | Communication skills Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

Could ancient teachings the Buddha gave 2,600 years ago help to bring more happiness to our lives? Mindfulness teacher Ulla Koenig thinks so. Veronika Eicher chatted with her about finding happiness and her course, 'The Buddha's Path to Happiness.' The Buddha's Path to Happiness is a five-week course on the happiness Academy shows that covers the insightful teachings the Buddha provided us when it comes to finding our own path to happiness. Creator Ulla Koenig discusses the course, her career, and her personal approach to discovering joy. 1. In your course description you write: 'We can find rest and peace within moments of calm, happiness and clarity.' Did you have any experiences of happiness today? Yes, there were many small moments of happiness during the day. Everyone by itself a small jewel. The smell of the elder in the garden. Touching my son's sun-kissed hair. Having strawberries for breakfast. A five minute chat with a friend. Pearls on a string. Such moments appear, when there is receptivity and calm. Ulla Koenig: your course tutor 2. Do we need to search actively for happiness or does it come naturally to us? We need to reflect on what 'happiness' actually means for us. What is it we are looking for? What do we dedicate our attention, our effort, our time to? Can we create, consume or search for happiness? For me, happiness arises when the circumstances are right. One part of this is the relationship to experience itself, our way of looking. We have a natural urge to explore into our relationship to life. What we realize here is the path for our practice towards more happiness, peace and contentment. A path which at times goes against the very grain of our impulses and habits. What can the Buddha teach us about happiness in the 21st century? 3. In your course 'The Buddha's Path to Happiness' you're guiding people back to experience happiness in their daily life based on Buddha's teachings. Is it possible to adapt 2,600 year old teachings to our speedy, 21st-century life? It's valid to ask whether or not ancient teachings still have something to offer. Indeed, these modern days seem so entirely different from past ways of living. Yet our psyche, our perspectives, and our ways of relating to each other haven't changed that much. "We need to reflect on what "happiness" actually means for us. What is it we are looking for?" We're still experiencing the same challenges and asking the same questions as people did thousands of years ago. We still wish to find peace of heart and mind, happiness and a sense of freedom within the challenges of our day-to-day life. Luckily, the Buddha explored deep enough into all of this to give us some food for thought. Timeless reflections, applicable independent of culture, gender and belief. 4. You work with prisoners, refugees and cancer patients. Do you want to share a special memory you experienced of your meditation and mindfulness work in the last years? What deeply touches me is the relief students feel when they learn through own experience; that there is a set of tools and techniques they can apply anywhere and at anytime to support them. Mindfulness is an immensely versatile tool, which can, with the appropriate care and caution, be adapted to many situations. I've heard the very same expressions from prisoners as from people with special needs. Sometimes it's within the environment of increased hardship and challenge where people are ready to explore the techniques and dedicate time and effort to it. These are also the environments where I have seen the most transformation in people; expressions which then deepened my confidence and gratitude for the practice. Enroll now: The Buddha's Path to Happiness "The happiness path goes at times against the very grain of our impulses and habits" 5. How did you find your personal way of happiness? It was a windy road, which started off with curiosity and a sense of longing for something more than our consumer culture with its narrow sense of right and wrong. When I was I teenager, I strongly questioned the structures, institutions and common views I grew up with. And I started a search for alternatives, with all its challenges and dead-ends. Once I found insight meditation (vipassana) I had a sense of coming closer to what I was looking for. The undogmatic freedom of exploration I found in the teachings of the Buddha. The emphasis of personal responsibility instead of blind belief resonated with me. “We're still experiencing the same challenges and asking the same questions as people did thousands of years ago.” I could link this back to my personal experience of being a mother, a co-worker, a friend, a lover. None of this conflicted or contradicted these explorations. Over the course of months and years I could see how more freedom, more happiness and more skill to meet the challenges grew within. The exploration still continues. I see it as a gift. 6. Do you find time during your daily work to meditate and be mindful? As a mother of two, applying mindfulness in daily life is a very important aspect of practice. Qualities like kindness, compassion and equanimity show their potential then and there. I try to find a healthy balance between time off and on the cushion, enjoying long walks and being in nature. The support of mindfulness reveals itself in the depth of meditation as much as in going shopping in the supermarket with two children or having a meeting with work colleagues. Interested in enrolling on The Buddha's Path to Happiness? Discover more about the course here and sign up. New in: Find out more about Ulla's new donation-based course Mindfulness in Times of COVID-19. Interview by Veronika Eicher Veronika is a freelance writer. She likes to spend her free time working on her dream of a farm. On Instagram she writes about climate crises, nature and sustainable living.

Sometimes the obstacles we face in life paralyze us, leaving us trapped. Stanislava Puač Jovanović shares eight tips on how to overcome challenges and restart our lives. Even though many of us hope for a carefree life, it just will not happen. Challenges will always be on our path. Sometimes, it may seem as if the walls ahead are simply too high to surmount. Yet, overcoming challenges is a part of how we learn and grow. Indeed, obstacles give us an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves. History is filled with examples of people who learned how to trounce impediments and develop psychologically from the process. Take Demosthenes, for example. He is now recognised as the greatest of ancient Greek orators. Nonetheless, when he was young, he had a severe speech impediment. He overcame this barrier through a self-designed, disciplined practice. Einstein is another famous example of how overcoming obstacles can result in greatness. Apart from not speaking until he was three, he constantly faced doubt and under-appreciation by adults throughout his childhood and youth. Still, he found a way to develop his talents and become one of the most recognised names in human history. In this article I'll explain how you can perceive overcoming challenges as a means of psychological growth. I'll explain why we need to fight the obstacles we face — and why we need to do it adaptively. Finally, I'll give you eight science-based tips for overcoming obstacles in a way that helps you grow and become braver and more confident. Why you need to overcome obstacles The examples from the introduction illustrate something that is called overcompensation in psychology. When we have an actual or perceived deficit of a sort, we will usually try to offset it by developing it into a particular forte. This strong point will then serve as a counterweight to the shortfall. Overcompensation means going above and beyond what is necessary. Demosthenes could have merely fixed the speech impediment and lived an average life. But no. He became the greatest orator. Examples of overcompensation reveal how overcoming challenges opens the path to psychological growth in life. Albeit going that far is not necessary for every obstacle we face, we must say that avoidance is usually maladaptive (or unhealthy). When we face hurdles, we are presented with a choice. We can either commit to overcoming challenges — or to failing or stagnating. Here’s why. When you avoid dealing with difficulties, you risk experiencing a range of adverse emotions. Some of the most common ones are anger (for your aspirations remaining unfulfilled), guilt (because you know that you did not try hard enough), or envy (when you witness others getting what they want). Support from friends is a key factor in overcoming obstacles shutterstock/Viktoria Kurpas You are also bound to become stressed because problems rarely just disappear. Avoidance of difficulties, research reveals, leads to a diminishing sense of control. In turn, your psychological well-being and mental health will decline. Ruminations are excessive, repetitive thoughts that make it impossible to think productively about anything else. Rumination is tied to avoiding dealing with different life issues. RELATED: How to stop ruminating with these 3 techniques Self-doubt, anxiety and depression could come as a result of continual failure to achieve goals. Even though it might feel good to rationalise the reasons why you did not realise your dreams at first, empirical findings reveal that this defence mechanism is associated with emotional disorders. Therefore, even though overcoming challenges may feel scary at times, it is vital for your well-being. As you progress through hurdles on your path towards attaining goals, you are simultaneously growing as a person. You develop self-confidence, learn to move beyond self-indulgence, and develop adaptive responses to whatever life throws your way. Overcoming challenges: 8 tips How we respond to complications is highly individualised. It could be affected by our past experiences, mental habits, as well as our personalities. Seeking and overcoming challenges seems embedded in some people’s temperament and personality structure. Nonetheless, whether we are naturally geared towards adventure or not, we will hit an impediment here and there. Overcoming obstacles will be easier if you incorporate some of the following tips on productive coping with challenges. 1. Analyse the problem well It may seem obvious, but the first step to overcoming challenges without difficulty is understanding the problem ahead. Still, many of us fail to approach the issue analytically. You may be amazed by how often we succumb to apprehension, avoidance — or daydreaming and unsubstantiated optimism, on the other hand — instead of scrutinising the problem critically. Therefore, examine where the problem truly lies. Is it a real or perceived obstacle? Which aspect is the most important one? In what order do you need to tackle the elements of the difficulty? What is it that you can and cannot impact? What resources do you need — new knowledge and skills, others’ help, time, or determination? 2. Consider it an opportunity, not a threat A common obstacle to successfully overcoming challenges is our mindset. I will be the first to admit that I'm not the type of person who goes about looking for challenges and adventures. Even more concretely, I used to feel threatened by any new and tricky situation. Still, what I found very useful is changing my perspective. What may not come naturally to you could be developed through practice. “The first step to overcoming challenges without difficulty is understanding the problem ahead. Still, many of us fail to approach the issue analytically.” Those who enjoy challenges — and thrive facing hitches — see every obstacle as an opportunity to become greater, better, different. You, too, can train your mind to think of hindrances as a chance to learn something new and evolve rather than to suffer. 3. Examine and dismantle your self-doubts Overcoming obstacles is often made more difficult by your own unhelpful thoughts, especially if you're used to avoiding facing challenges. When you look at your records and see but a few instances in which you fought a problem head-on, it's easy to succumb to self-doubt. Doubting your abilities, or even loathing yourself for lack thereof, will get you nowhere. What you need to do is to examine and knock down your lack of faith in your skills. Where does it come from? What thought comes to your mind when you anticipate trouble? How does it make you feel? How realistic is such a belief? Could you think about the situation differently (hint — yes, you could)? 4. Keep a record of your past successes One helpful way to deal with self-doubt more effectively is to document one’s successes. Many people tend to overestimate their shortcomings. At the same time, they underestimate how well they can address problems. As a result, their self-perception gets distorted, making them blind to their abilities. Make a CV of your past accomplishments. Do not hold back but praise yourself for everything you achieved. Remember the times when you overcame snags with triumph. What qualities did you need to mobilise to overcome challenges? Write them all down. And then, come to this “CV” whenever you feel a lack of confidence creeping on you. 5. Make a solid plan Once you are clearer on where the problem lies, what unhelpful thoughts might be hindering your success, and which talents you can rally to help you in overcoming challenges, it's time to plan how to do it. In other words, you are highly unlikely to accomplish your goals if you do not combine a belief in yourself with a solid action plan. Define the goal and communicate it to those who need to be involved. Make a step-by-step map of action that is clear and easy to follow. Make sure there are tangible steps and smaller objectives on the way to the final goal. Measure the results — and celebrate them, too. 6. Assemble a circle of support Overcoming obstacles is much easier when you have someone to lean on. Social support has been confirmed to be one of the crucial factors in psychological well-being over and over again. Somehow, life problems tend to seem much bigger when you feel alone in dealing with them. A helping hand from friends is essential for overcoming challenges So, ask for support from the right people. Seek out those who will be supportive, accepting and realistic. Whether it is your friends and family, a support group, or a psychotherapist, an encouraging social environment can do wonders for your self-esteem. It will highlight and nurture your ability to overcome any issue ahead. 7. Meditate Meditation is a technique that can help you integrate the tips we have spoken about above. Meditative practice teaches you to calm your mind and free it from ruminative apprehensions and adverse emotions. It gives you the mental flexibility and physical tranquillity you need for overcoming obstacles with success. Finally, after meditation, you will notice greater clarity in understanding the problem ahead and how you can tackle it. 8. Pledge to self-care Let me be straight — overcoming challenges can be hard work. It's easy to disregard healthy habits when you are entangled with problems. This is why you should commit to a self-care practice and ensure you are well cared for. Broadly speaking, all the tips in this article can be seen as a form of self-care. When you perceive a problem rationally, address unhelpful beliefs and develop a growth mindset and self-confidence, you care for yourself. The same goes for gathering support or meditating. “Once you are clearer on where the problem lies, what unhelpful thoughts might be hindering your success, and which talents you can rally to help you in overcoming challenges, it's time to plan how to do it.” However, what we have in mind here is more specific. It's a well-known set of recommendations to make sure you do not neglect to care for your mental and physical needs. Therefore, eat healthily and regularly. Set up a better sleep routine to ensure both the quality and quantity of sleep you need. Exercise to release some of the accumulated stress. Socialise with the right people and consume quality media content. Finally, pamper yourself and treat yourself to something pleasant and healthy, like a relaxing massage. You will find your mental batteries charged as a result of such a self-care routine, and you will be much more willing to embrace the opportunity to grow from overcoming challenges. Takeaway: Don't run from challenges — embrace them It's perfectly natural to feel anxiety — dread, even — when facing a major challenges in our life. The more important the goal, the graver the fear of not attaining it. You may even feel totally paralyzed. However, obstacles tend not to go away just because we look the other way. So, take the challenges life throws at you head-on. This will show you a doorway to an unbounded field for psychological growth. Embrace the hurdles and snags. Be courageous and believe in yourself. Even though overcoming challenges may feel like you are in freefall at times, be at ease. There is a new 'you' that will catch you on the other side of the obstacle you are facing. • Main image: Maridav happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Self-help | Authenticity | Coaching Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

An often invisible illness, diagnosing quiet borderline personality disorder isn't easy. Luckily, the treatment for this condition can be, as psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains... I have known a few people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my life. I can say with certainty that they suffered — as did those close to them. However, thanks to the explosive nature of the disorder, however unpleasant it may be, BPD did not stay hidden. Some of them were diagnosed and received treatment. More importantly, they learned to understand the nature of their unpredictable emotions and reactions. I probably also know a few people with quiet borderline personality disorder (QBPD). Unfortunately, I cannot say that I know who they are. Are they aware that what they are going through is a disorder? Quite possibly not. Do their loved ones understand what is happening? They might not have a clue. That's because quiet borderline personality disorder is a difficult but often invisible ordeal. As this article will make clear, it bears the burden of the BPD. Still, it stays concealed — often even from the affected person themselves. Yet, the moment you understand QBPD and its manifestations, the path towards treatment opens. So, what is quiet borderline personality disorder? What is quiet borderline personality disorder and how is it diagnosed? Before we can hope to understand quiet borderline personality disorder, we need to grasp the concept of a personality disorder as such. Unlike some other mental disorders that come and go, personality disorders are usually enduring. One of the criteria for diagnosis states: “The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.” Personality disorders are pervasive, unchanging, and present at least from adolescence. They form an inner experience and behaviour pattern deviant from a person’s cultural norms. “A person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims hostility and anger at themselves. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others.” In other words, it seems to be the structure of the individual’s personality that is affected. A personality disorder is apparent throughout life and across different contexts. A person who is, for example, narcissistic will act that way at work, in love, with family and strangers. Those who know them will tell you that it is how they have been forever. What is borderline personality disorder? QBPD is a variation of BPD. Therefore, we need to be clear on what the disorder entails. Borderline personality disorder is a syndrome of disordered functioning in relationship to oneself and others. To meet the diagnostic criteria, the affected person has to manifest the following symptoms: Impairments in self-functioning. They can be unsure of who they are as a person. They might feel empty inside and succumb to excessive self-criticism. Sometimes, goals, aspirations and career plans are unstable. A person with BPD keeps changing their direction in life. Impairments in interpersonal functioning. They lack empathy or have severe problems in establishing meaningful close relationships. Being emotionally unstable, anxious, depressive, or fearing rejection and separation. Disinhibition, meaning that they are highly impulsive and often take excessive risks. Hostility, anger, and irritability. Subtypes of BPD The current classification of mental disorders does not divide the BPD into subtypes. Nonetheless, the official criteria could be combined differently. As a result, individuals with BPD are often very unalike. This is probably one of the reasons why borderline personality disorder has long been notoriously under-detected and misdiagnosed in clinical practice. Aiming hostility at oneself is a sign of QBPD shutterstock/airdone It is also why many popular psychology authors voiced their opinion about the subtypes of BPD. Some scholars and practitioners also argue that borderline personality disorder should be divided into three subtypes based on the dominant cognitive mechanisms in their foundations. A 2017 study determined three clusters of BPD patients with distinct profiles: Most patients were those with the “core BPD” features, that is, typical borderline personalities. A second “Extravert/externalising” subtype was characterised by high levels of histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial features. A third, smaller subtype had schizotypal and paranoid features — therefore, it is named “Schizotypal/paranoid”. Million and Davis have proposed, based on extensive professional expertise in the realm of personality disorders, that there are four subtypes of BPD: Discouraged or “quiet” borderline Impulsive borderline Petulant borderline Self-destructive borderline So, what are the symptoms of the quiet BPD subtype? Symptoms of QBPD Most professionals and laypeople would think of someone with BPD as an explosive, violent and hostile person. An unpredictable and impulsive human ticking bomb. However, it appears that there are those affected by the disorder whose suffering remains largely invisible. In quiet borderline personality disorder, all the symptoms of the BPD are directed inwards. According to Million and Davis, a person affected by quiet borderline personality disorder aims the borderline hostility and anger at oneself. They might act clingy and form codependent relationships. Feeling sombre and dejected is often mixed with a buried feeling of anger and disappointment towards others. However, they do not let it show. Their anger is more likely to be manifested as self-harm and suicide attempts than aggression towards others. Could you be living with QPBD? Here are some of the signs that suggest you could be living with quiet borderline personality disorder: You are very good at hiding your true emotions. You present a composed façade at all times. You might not even be able to recognise or describe your feelings correctly (alexithymia), so they fester inside. You are high-functioning and successful; a perfectionistic even. When emotional pain becomes too much to bear, you detach from the world and your inner experiences. You may feel like you were in a dream or a movie, unable to feel connected. You may be a people-pleaser. You need to be liked, and you yearn for appreciation from those you fall for. You experience bouts of anxiety at the slightest sign of disapproval. Your buttons are easily pushed around other people. You know that you are prone to feeling hurt, insulted or humiliated. To prevent it, you might prefer distancing yourself from others. You might be putting people into one of the two categories — they are either impeccable or atrocious. It is a mechanism called “splitting” or polarised thinking. You might be so profoundly afraid of being abandoned that you avoid getting close to others altogether. It protects you from hurt. You tend to feel irrational guilt and self-loathing. For this reason, you could be at risk of engaging in self-harming behaviour, including having suicidal thoughts. (If this is the case, please reach out to any local service or organisation that deals with mental health to help you get your way out of that dark path). Your priorities and interests change erratically. Your commitment changes on a day-to-day basis. Be it a project, a hobby, or a person, QBPD comes with a lack of consistency in dedication. You seem utterly devoted to something, only for it to fall into oblivion in the next moment. You crave control and order. Situations in which you do not know what to say or do make you feel uneasy. In effect, you are not living spontaneously. Where does the difference between the typical BPD and the quiet variant come from? One possible explanation is Lynch and colleagues’ work on undercontrol versus overcontrol in clinical settings. In short, the majority of those affected by BPD (the typical syndrome) are undercontrolled. They are impulsive, erratic and dysregulated. Nonetheless, some people are overcontrolled; meaning that they are reserved, hard to engage, seemingly emotionally flat. Yet, their inner world is as tempestuous as that of the undercontrolled individuals. Treatment for QBPD At this point, we return to the statement made in the introduction. Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help. They overcontrol. Why can't I make friends? How to help someone having a panic attack What is an introvert hangover? Nonetheless, even if it feels unnatural, if you recognise the symptoms mentioned above, it is vital for you to reach out. And if someone you know seems to be affected by QBPD, try pointing them out towards learning about the disorder and getting professional help to deal with it. “Unfortunately, the quiet variant of BPD is even more undetected compared to BPD as a whole. Why? It is simple — people living with the condition do not let it show. They rarely (if ever) seek help.” Unfortunately, not enough is understood about QBPD to determine which psychotherapy modality would work best. The following approaches were scientifically explored and are used in clinical practice for the treatment of BPD. In addition to psychotherapy, medication is sometimes prescribed. 1. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) The basic principle of CBT is to work on modifying the thinking and behavioural patterns that are unhelpful and perpetuate the disorder. According to a systematic review of 45 studies, CBT is beneficial in treating personality disorders in general — and BPD in particular. The findings of another study confirmed that CBT could help decrease the symptoms, distress, anxiety, suicide ideation and dysfunctional beliefs typical of BPD. Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated 2. Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) DBT is one of the CBT modalities. It was developed specifically to treat BPD. In 2016 it was still the only empirically supported treatment for BPD. It targets the unstable sense of self, chaotic relationships, fear of abandonment, emotional lability and impulsivity (such as self-injurious behaviours). During the therapeutic process, the clients develop skills such as mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. 3. Radically Open Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (RO-DBT) The previous two modalities are implemented in treating BPD in general. The quiet variant could also benefit from them, given that the core issues are shared across the syndrome. However, RO-DBT was developed specifically for disorders of overcontrol. The authors designed it to address difficult-to-treat mental health conditions. And yes, QBPD is difficult to treat. The approach focuses on developing mental flexibility, openness, healthy emotional expression and social connectedness. Take control over your QBPD Living with a quiet borderline personality disorder is not an easy thing to do. BPD is known to cause severe problems in the person’s relationship with themselves and the world. When you keep all those BPD emotions and thoughts within, pushing through the day can sometimes feel like Sisyphus work. I will not pretend quiet borderline personality disorder will go away in the blink of an eye for the sake of pep talk. However, you can learn to develop a psychologically healthier way of being. Adequate support and treatment can teach you how to rebuild your view of the world. With a change in your mindset, you can nurture close relationships with others based on empathy and respect. Although every personality disorder is a persistent companion, it does not have to determine your future. All you need to do is take one simple step now. Open yourself up to a fuller and richer life. Reach out. • Main image: shutterstock/Olga W Boeva happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Join free now and: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ Develop with free online Academy classes Authenticity | Empathy | Communication skills Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.