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Is it possible to look at challenges and failures as the foundation to personal growth and excellence? Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s OK to fail sometimes and how to claim back power when you’re feeling defeated by life. Although there are few certainties in this existence, unfortunately we do know this: life can defeat us sometimes. No matter how meticulously we plan things or try to predict every outcome, the possibility of failures and disappointment in life cannot be entirely ruled out. Indeed, all of us find ourselves feeling defeated by life at some point. You may flunk an important exam or interview, a fight may ensue with a best friend who misunderstood your well-intended remark, or your boss may pass up what seemed like a brilliant idea in favor of a seemingly ridiculous suggestion by your colleague. Life is called the school of hard knocks for a reason, after all. I know this from experience. I found myself at the end of my wits during my college years, when I realized the complexity of engineering, which my parents had pressurized me to pursue. No matter how hard I tried, the concepts seemed to elude my grasp and it looked like I’d have to repeat a year. For someone who belongs to a family of academics, being an under-performer was a subject of great humiliation and embarrassment for me and my parents, not to mention the high cost of education itself. Feeling defeated? Break free from the shackles of fear Although I did have to take a re-exam for three subjects, it was actually this setback that helped me realize one of the greatest life lessons of my life. That we are not defined by our failures and defeats, but how we spring back, and the experiences we gather from these setbacks. Consequently, this realization enabled me to excel in my academic subjects as I tried harder and broadened my understanding of the subjects. The result? I passed the final grade with scholastic distinction. RELATED: Sailing the world – 5 lessons I've learned “If you want light to come into your life, you need to stand where it is shining,” stated Guy Finley, the renowned philosopher and self-help writer. Indeed, if we give up without trying to push beyond our embarrassments or fear of failure, we’d never know what lies outside of our comfort zone and what we could truly achieve. When you’re feeling defeated it is essential to prevail and resume your power. Feeling defeated: 9 ways to take back power Although this may seem unimaginable when you’re feeling defeated, it is possible to overcome this terrible feeling and to reclaim your power. While some of the following ideas may offer instant results in terms of elevated mood and alleviated stress levels, the others require more consistent efforts over a longer duration of time. So, here are nine ways you can take back power and move forward when you are feeling defeated. 1. Acceptance: allow yourself to feel It’s important to lean into your feelings periodically and acknowledge to yourself that you are an ‘emotional creature’. In fact, being aware of your thoughts and labelling your emotions can improve your ability to manage negative emotional experiences, according to a 2007 study by Lieberman et al. Indeed, a proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing or avoiding them, and consciously channel them in a productive and beneficial manner, thus developing emotional agility. Being emotionally agile implies one’s ability to sit with their feelings and thoughts, be they positive (for example, joy, hope, serenity) or negative (fear, anger, sadness). It means accepting feelings in a compassionate manner, without getting derailed or overwhelmed by them. A study by Frank Bond from the Goldsmiths University London revealed that emotional agility can help ease stress, improve accuracy and boost innovation and creativity in individuals. 2. Self-compassion: imagine what you’d say to a friend Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated. According to Dr Kristin Neff, the psychologist who first created a scale to measure self-compassion as a construct, humans often mistakenly assume that compassion towards self induces weakness and has an adverse impact on our goals and productivity. “A proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing them.” Dr Neff recommends practising self-compassion by treating oneself as they’d treat a friend. Positive self-talk plays an important role, especially during adverse situations. So, instead of saying “I’m so lame!” or “What an idiot I’ve made of myself” during a setback, instead, practise saying, “I’m so glad I tried my hand at something new” or, I’m proud of myself for doing this wholeheartedly”. 3. Stop catastrophizing Do you often find yourself jumping to wrong conclusions or blaming yourself for something when you really weren’t at fault? As sentient beings we always try to make sense of events around us, but sometimes our brains devise ‘shortcuts’ and create interpretations which are not entirely precise. This tendency to catastrophize or assume the worst in an unpleasant situation is a result of cognitive distortion pattern known as magnification, wherein our brains blow one disturbing event out of proportion, giving rise to unfavorable conditions like depression and anxiety. RELATED: Feeling blue or clinically depressed? The 4 things you should look out for Luckily, it’s possible to avoid this unhelpful thinking style and opt for more balanced ways of evaluating a situation. Instead of obsessing about what happened and what may further go wrong, take stock of the situation by consciously restructuring your thought patterns. Practising mindfulness can help you reframe your thoughts based on factual procession of events, resulting in improved decision-making. 4. Incorporate gratitude Gratitude plays an important role in improving one’s mental health, especially when you are feeling defeated by life. The simple act of listing down things you appreciate in your life in a gratitude journal can boost resilience and prevent toxic emotions, thus reducing the risk of conditions like stress and depression. What’s more, a study by Prathik Kini et al revealed that practising gratitude can have lasting effect on the brain – it can rewire it, equipping you to deal better with adversities in life. Writing a gratitude journal can boost your resilience shutterstock/Sergey Saulyak 5. Shift your mindset/change perspective When you’re feeling defeated by life, you could be misled into believing that you possess limited talents, also known as the fixed mindset. Psychologist Carol Dweck contrasted fixed mindset with growth mindset, wherein individuals believe that they can achieve their goals by honing their talents and advancing their skill set. Interestingly, those with growth or abundance mindset tend to achieve more, as they concentrate more on learning and taking action towards their goals. Developing a ‘can-do attitude’ allows you to look at obstacles as steppingstones or necessary doses of personal growth instead of failures. 6. Understand the power of ‘small wins’ It’s understandable that you may want to get back up on your feet and set out to chase lofty goals when you’re feeling defeated. Instead, it would be wiser to set small, incremental goals to ensure you achieve them without getting overwhelmed or frustrated. A study published by Harvard Business Review revealed that the quality of a person’s inner work life – or a mix of their emotions, perceptions, and purpose – was the most important driver of their creative pursuits and productivity. “Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated.” Start by asking yourself if you can try breaking your goals into smaller sections called ‘systems’ and further into sets of actionable daily tasks that you can track periodically. Small wins tend to activate your brain’s circuitry, and the constant motivation results in release of dopamine and testosterone, thus boosting your confidence. Indeed, you may be amazed to find that these micro-successes executed daily can lead to major breakthroughs. 7. Take regular breaks While taking time to pause when you’re working on something important may seem counterintuitive, researchers agree that taking regular breaks can improve productivity and prevent stress. A 2016 study by Kim, Park and Niu revealed that even micro-breaks or small interventions can prevent the onset of negative affective state of mind at the end of the workday. Indeed, taking small, regular breaks to chat with someone around or getting yourself a glass of water in midst of a busy day can avert the possibility of you feeling defeated in the long run. 8. Stay healthy with exercise Not only does regular exercise strengthen your heart health and keep diseases at bay, but being physically active can even bring long-lasting change for your brain and mind. Working out regularly can make you more receptive to positive feelings like joy, boost your mood and motivation levels and relieve stress. Indeed, staying healthy through regular exercise and including wholesome, gut-friendly foods in your diet can help you overcome the blues, especially when you’re feeling defeated. Working out makes you more receptive to positive feelings shutterstock/mimagephotography 9. Create your life vision A foolproof way to regain power when you’re feeling defeated by the hardships you’ve faced is to understand your purpose in life and create your life vision accordingly. Jen Sincero, a success coach and the author of bestselling Badass Habits stresses on the importance of living fearlessly by ‘aligning’ one’s actions with their deepest desires and goals. Doing this allows you to make the shift from ‘wanting’ to ‘deciding’ to change your life for the better with utmost tenacity. Takeaway: feeling defeated It’s important to understand that pain and suffering from failures in life don’t define us, and that the ability to claim back power lies within us. Directing consistent efforts towards assuming this inherent power can help you avoid the mental trap of self-blame and frustration, allowing you to grow and realize your true potential. • Main image: shutterstock/Overearth happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Life purpose | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you turn down new opportunities or chances to learn because you have no confidence in your capabilities, it may be time to develop a can-do attitude. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores 7 ways to get started. A can-do attitude is, simply put, a belief that one can tackle whatever comes their way – and a willingness to do it. Whether you are on the ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ side of things, you probably noticed that how you value yourself and your abilities directly reflects onto how much you can actually do in life. We are, indeed, our best friends or worst enemies. Here I'll explain what a can-do attitude is, where it comes from, and give you seven ways to develop it. What is a can-do attitude? You probably know at least one person with a can-do attitude. They are those people with a conviction that anything can be done once they’ve set their mind to it. It’s more than mere optimism, though. Such a belief is combined with a motivation to work on accomplishing the goal or completing the task. A can-do attitude is a mindset. As such, it is usually deeply ingrained into our psyche. Different factors might contribute to us either being can-doers or doubters, from our temperaments, upbringing, to various experiences we have had throughout our life. Although the can’t-do attitude can be a strong habit of mind, we can also retrain ourselves into a different habit. Indeed, we can learn to change our mindset, believe in ourselves, and – do it! A can-do attitude is responsible for the great deeds and ideas that came to fruition. Heroism, altruism, change, revolution – none of it exists without such a readiness to make it happen. I witnessed many exceptional contributions to the community during my volunteering years. “We can do it” was so contagious that none of us ever even thought those projects might not succeed. Can or can't? The choice is yours! What’s more, technological advancement would have probably ended at just stone tools if it wasn’t for those endowed with a can-do attitude. But you don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the whole world a better or more evolved place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be – in any field. As a mother of a four-year-old, I know it’s safe to say that motherhood is absolutely impossible without such a stance. People who seem to sprint through career advancements, too, are guided by the same attitude: “I can do it!” 7 ways to develop a can-do attitude Everyone’s path towards developing a can-do attitude will differ depending on where you start from. Nonetheless, there are some things everyone can implement to reprogram their mindset. Here are seven ways you can start to develop a can-do attitude. 1. Develop a growth mindset The concept of a growth vs fixed mindset was put forth by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist. In its simplest, fixed mindset means believing that we have unchanging traits. Those characteristics are dictating what and how we can do in life. Thinking of yourself as stupid (or intelligent) would be an example of a fixed mindset. • LOOKING TO MAKE CHANGES? Join our community for more self-help ideas • A growth mindset, on the other hand, is about believing in the effects of exercise and learning. So, you would not suppose that your intelligence got you through school and into a fulfilling career. You would credit all the hard work and time invested instead. “You don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the world a better place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be.” Why would believing you were intelligent, talented, or good be wrong? The problem with a fixed mindset is that once the trait fails to deliver the results you were after, you feel lost. “This isn’t working! The only explanation is that I’m not clever enough!” See the logic? People with a growth mindset are more resilient to stress and associated adverse outcomes (from academic and career underperformance to depression or substance use). In other words, they believe that anything can be achieved – if the necessary effort and thought are put into them. 2. Accept and learn from your mistakes Whether you like it or not, you will make mistakes. In a way, being alive means erring. However, are you prone to becoming fixated on your errors or beating yourself up? Or, do you tend to cast blame on others for the circumstances? Both habits are probably preventing you from developing a can-do attitude. Accepting responsibility is the first step towards learning from your life experience. Self-forgiveness is the next one. The research revealed the ability to use past mistakes constructively and learn from them results in better individual and group/organisation performance. So, the next time you get it wrong, don’t throw sticks and stones at yourself. Analyze. What happened? And what could be done better the next time? Take a moment to feel bad about it – and then move on. 3. Be mindful of opportunities and take them when they come along One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. This is perfectly natural. However, if you aspire to become someone who believes in themselves, goes out, and gets things done – you need to move outside of your comfort zone. It’s not necessary to be extreme and go far beyond what you used to feel comfortable about. Baby steps will get you there, too. Can-doers always grab new opportunities shutterstock/mavo Simply make it your task to start noticing growth opportunities. When you do spot them, ask yourself if maybe you could engage with it? What would feel safe enough, but still bring a bit of change in your life? Do this regularly, and you’ll start noticing a new perspective opening up. 4. Focus on being congruent When we are trying to transform the way we think about ourselves, we need all the support we can get. In this case, you want your thoughts, actions, and emotions to align. What do we mean by that? Although some proponents of affirmations would tell you that repeating “I can do it!” would be enough to conquer the world, the reality isn’t that simple. A failed attempt at affirming ourselves into greatness will likely result in the psychological discomfort reemerging, a study revealed. Feeling lost in life? These 7 steps will help you move on Visualization meditation: 8 ways to practise it How to find meaning in life: 7 strategies We need to work on changing our thoughts, actions, and feelings and make them all congruent. For example, noticing and changing your thought pattern is one step (we’ll get back to it next). However, you need to work out your emotional reactions and understand why you feel the way you do. Is it rational and substantiated, or could you feel in some other way? Finally, the way you act should also support the can-do attitude. The next time you get the opportunity, make yourself respond to it slightly different to what you’re used to. Somewhat more as a can-doer, to be precise. 5. Be mindful of your self-talk We all have an inside voice telling us different things. For many, the voice is the harshest critic one could imagine. For those with a can-do attitude, on the other hand, “You got this” is the mantra they hear repeatedly in their head. A systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. Reframing your thoughts makes your mind work for you instead of against you. What we think tends to happen. This so-called Pygmalion effect often works both ways. Be mindful of what you tell yourself shutterstock/pathdoc Therefore, the next time you catch yourself thinking “This is too hard”, “It’s impossible”, “I couldn’t possibly do it”, stop. Then, come up with alternative statements. Don’t go for super-hero level right away. In other words, for affirmations to work, they need to be believable for you. Gradually progress towards automatically thinking positive about yourself, your abilities and your outlook. In that way, you will also start believing that you can do it. 6. Unlearn the learned helplessness Psychological experiments have revealed a phenomenon called ‘learned helplessness’. In short, dogs were put in a problem situation. Every attempt to resolve it and run away from an adverse stimulus would result in more adversity. Afterwards, even when they could escape or terminate the shock, they would not even try. They learned that they were helpless. Humans learn this, too, although, thankfully, usually in a much less dramatic manner. Seligman proposed that, in the face of traumatic events that we cannot control, we might become passive, depressive, and stop learning. Such a state could generalise and make us freeze when facing any challenge. Therefore, if you want to change your attitude towards life and challenges, it’s time for you to start unlearning the learned helplessness. How? “One thing that’s hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities in life. The comfort of the known feels safe.” One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. With time, you will accumulate too many arguments against helplessness for your mind to oppose them any longer. 7. Change your locus of control One thing that is characteristic of individuals with a can-do attitude is that they have an inner locus of control. Locus of control is a psychological term indicating where you position the power over your experiences. Is it internal or external? In other words, do you feel that a lot of things are outside of your control? Or do you feel in charge of both your reactions and the events that happen in your life? A study revealed that people with an internal locus of control are healthier, more satisfied, and, overall, have higher subjective well-being levels. If you want to become a person who believes in themselves and has the zest to accomplish whatever they set their mind to, try shifting your locus of control. How to do it? The majority of the above tips will result in a gradual shift of the locus. Additionally, try and remember that you always have a choice. Brainstorm your options, talk to people, make lists of pros and cons, whatever works. The choice is always yours. Even when the uncontrollable life events come – you choose how you will see and feel them. Yes, you can! If you don’t possess a can-do attitude just yet, don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’re far from being alone. Nonetheless, if you wish to change things, believe that it can be done. You can become one of those people who seem to have it going for them. Their secret? Allow me to respond with a quote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning • Main image: shutterstock/IC Production happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Healthy habits | Mindfulness | Self care Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

The feeling of being lost in life and not knowing what to do next can be paralyzing. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains how to embrace that 'I don't know what to do with my life' feeling and then move forward in seven practical steps... ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life.’ Does this saying strike a chord? Have you ever muttered it to yourself in a moment of desperate reflection on the direction you're heading in? Feeling lost in life without the slightest idea where to go next can be daunting. However, it is a common situation, one many of us have experienced (and will continue to experience). Choosing a college, deciding on a career, or thinking about where to live are just some of the most common situations when you might feel frozen in this way. On the flip side, this lost feeling can also surface when you achieve some of your greatest goals and have no clue as what to do next! Indeed, when you undergo colossal life-changing experiences and become someone new, the old plans and ideals could stop resonating with you. Feeling lost in life is a sign that you need to make changes So, even if you do discover what you want to do next in your life, at some point in the future this paralyzing subject may come back to haunt you again! Let me show you how to draw a new map to creating a meaningful life. 7 steps for when you're feeling lost in life First, a disclosure is in order. It wasn’t so long back that I myself was proclaiming ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’! In fact, exactly nine years ago, I earned my degree, top of my class. I immediately got a job at a company and entered the 9 to 5 workforce. It was probably on only the second day that I had an epiphany about the meaninglessness of it all. I realised I was actually feeling lost with my life and decisions. So, if you're experiencing a similar moment in your life and struggling to decide how to move on, here are seven steps you can take to make discovering your next move less stressful and more intuitive. 1. Put a stop on the search Do you hear the scary voice repeating incisively: ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ in your head? Well, I know we're just getting started, but the first thing you need to do is actually put a stop to trying to figure out the answer. Although it may feel like an urgency, chances are, you need to take some time to pause first. Why? Think of it as a creative problem-solving. It consists of four phases – preparation, incubation, illumination and verification. It’s safe to say that, if you don’t know what to do with your life, you hit an impasse in the process. It’s like trying to force yourself to write a best-selling novel – right now! It just won’t work. You now need an intentional delay. Step away from the problem. The break will give your mind time and space for incubation to occur. Fill your time with activities such as walks, exercise, yoga, socialising with the right people, education and any other hobbies. Don’t worry. Your mind will be quietly working on the answer in the background. When we can’t resolve a problem, usually it’s because we’re fixated in our thinking. A break will allow for the habits, patterns and fixations to dissolve. What’s more, it will let the creativity flow in. RELATED: How to find meaning in life – 7 strategies 2. Prepare the terrain Once your mind has been given a chance to shift perspective, it’s time to go back to exploring the possibilities. However, you need to do it the right way. Make your internal and external environment ready for some soul-searching. There is scientific proof for the age-old wisdom advising against making decisions on an empty stomach. A study from the University of Dundee determined that, if we are hungry, we are more likely to seek immediate gratification. The problem is that this tendency does not apply to food choices alone. Hunger negatively affects our financial and interpersonal decisions, too. “If you’re thinking, ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’, you are actually at a moment that will inevitably lead to a major change.” The same goes for not being rested. Sleep deprivation has severe cognitive and neural consequences. Anyone who, for any reason, has been sleep-deprived, knows well the mind-fog it creates. It becomes impossible to think clearly and make coherent and considered decisions. RELATED: Can't sleep? 14 fixes for a good night's rest And what about our environment? An interesting study determined that even lighting can affect the ability to solve problems. According to the findings, what you need is the kind of light that feels right to you. It’s up to you if you prefer ‘warm’ or ‘cool’, or dimmed or bright light. The trick is in making the light in the room elicit a positive mood. Your cognitive abilities will follow along. So, when you're ready to explore why you're feeling lost in life, be sure to do it after a good night’s rest and after a hearty, healthy meal. Make your environment work for you. Prepare the terrain, go to a room where you feel good, fix the lighting, and get going. 3. Search deep within A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self. The benefits of meditation have been confirmed over and over again. A review of over 160 studies that met the strict criteria determined that meditation has positive effects on emotional and interpersonal issues and cognitive abilities. As little as four days of mindfulness training improved cognitive performance in another study. But how does this relate to you seeking out your future life path? Well, meditation can deliver the clarity of mind and emotion you need when figuring out your purpose in life. It can open the path to communicating with yourself, in a sense. 4. Remember what you used to love and believe in When you were a child or a teenager, chances are you never said ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’. You simply did whatever it was that you were doing. Yes, it was objectively much easier not to contemplate on what to do with your life. Your parents took care of your needs, and you didn’t have anyone’s needs you should be taking care of. Then adult life happened. Nonetheless, there’s a wisdom in the young(er) You that could help you find your way now. Do you remember the state of losing yourself (in a good way)? It could have been reading a book, making art, solving logical or mathematical problems, learning something new, dancing, or exercising. Do you remember a cause for which you used to feel a fire burning inside of you? An idea that made you forget everything as long as you could work towards it? RELATED: Following your bliss What most probably happened to you in those times is called flow, a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. His research concluded that the more ‘flow’ you have in your life, the more resilience, well-being, and fulfilment you will enjoy. So, what does this mean for you at this point? When you feel that your life is off track, a good place to start is to ask yourself: what is it that puts me in a state of ‘flow’? What is it that I used to love doing and believed in? Is there a way to rearrange my life and put such activities and causes at the forefront? 5. Brainstorm: and then limit your choices Once you’ve been through the previous four steps and opened up the search area, it’s time to narrow things down and list some concrete ideas. Do a brainstorming session with yourself. You can make a list, a vision board, a graph – whatever works. Your goal is to think of as many scenarios for yourself as possible. However – once you do, you will then begin to narrow down your choices. Kierkegaard spoke of ‘dizziness of freedom’, the bewildering anxiety we experience when facing the limitlessness of possibilities for ourselves and our lives. Indeed, in the world of empirical research, it has been found that there is such a thing as too many options. When you face ‘choice overload’, you might not be able to make the right call. Feeling lost? Brainstorm ideas, then narrow choices shutterstock/Rawpixel.com So, once you thought of any possible route for yourself, try to sit with each option for some time. See if they still seem right after a while. You will want to eliminate most of them gradually. An exercise that might help you determine which options to keep is asking yourself “Why?” five times. That is, set a goal for yourself, such as a steady job, financial security, spiritual growth, family, health or well-being. Then, ask yourself why you want this. When you respond, repeat the question: why do you want that? After five rounds of ‘Why?’ you should be pretty close to your most profound motivation. Use it to plan and create the new life for yourself. 6. Write your own obituary One of my favourite techniques for jolting oneself out of inertia and finding the way is rooted in existential-humanistic psychology. The task is pretty straightforward – write your own obituary. OK, it may sound morbid, and although you may feel some initial discomfort, it’s actually a rewarding and transformative exercise. According to the author of a recent study, the technique delivers a “greater sense of acceptance, appreciation, and awe toward the possibilities of living the life one envisions”. “A problem as weighty as feeling lost in life requires going deep to find the solution. Meditation can help you get in touch with your most profound Self.” The logic behind the technique is simple. Even though we might not like it, we will eventually die. So, stop now and think about how you would most like to be remembered. Think of how you want to live your life while you still have it. You might be surprised by how your obituary would sound at the moment. And, most importantly, you will probably find out where you need to go next. Allow me to express the weight of the ideas behind proposing this technique with a quote: “So, live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning 7. Practise acceptance and non-judgement Finally, once you have made your decision, you will need to be a good support for yourself. If you’re feeling lost in life and thinking ‘I don’t know what I want to do next’, you're actually at a moment that will inevitably lead to a major change. And, changes often don’t come easy, even when they are for the better. Perhaps your change will mean investing time, money and a lot of effort before it can be realised. Therefore, prepare to go through the change with an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement. Embrace your decision, and all that comes with it. The ideal state to step into your new life is with plenty of self-love. Self-kindness prepares you to function and perform optimally and live a healthy and rewarding life. Round-up: feeling lost in life You might remember my not-so-original experience about the realisation of how pointless my life was. In case you wondered how it turned out for me: here I am, doing the work I always described as my ideal job. When I was younger and used to talk about my dream career, I didn’t think it was actually possible. Yet, after going through the steps above, the path opened itself. In the meantime, I went through many other massive changes, internally and externally. And, I have another disclosure for you. To be honest, ’I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ is a thought that has never fully left my side. Indeed, it has reappeared in many instances, professionally and personally. RELATED: What's the point of life? Here are 3 questions you need to ask yourself However, rather than let the feeling overwhelm me, I have learnt to see it as a nudge. It is a prod to keep questioning whether I am living a worthy life, in peace with my values. In fact, I see it as a life saviour – life being defined as something that ought to have a point. When you realise that you don’t know what to do next in your life, don’t succumb to anxiety. As scary as it may be, feeling this way is actually an insight that will send you on a path of never accepting purposelessness or inertness. So, embrace the voice shouting ‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life’ and embark on discovering your next journey! • Main image: shuttertoskc/wolfstudiobkk happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Coaching | Letting go | Motivation | Authenticity Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Psychologist Catherine Sanderson explains how to be more courageous in speaking up about bad behavior, from offensive speech to harmful actions. On behalf of Greater Good Science Center. When I was in college, my boss drove me to a meeting. He had trouble finding a parking place — and, when he realized we were going to be late, pulled into a handicapped parking spot. As we got out of the car, he turned to me, grinned, and started limping. I fully knew that what he did was wrong. And I said nothing. My failure to call out my boss is hardly unique. Yet like most people, if you’d asked me beforehand if I’d have the courage to do the right thing — to confront someone who uses a racist slur or engages in derogatory behavior — I would have said yes. But in reality, most of us fail to step up when actually facing such a situation. Why? One factor that inhibits speaking up is our fear of the consequences. Will it cost me a promotion or a raise? Will I lose a friendship, get a reputation as a troublemaker, or be excluded from subsequent family gatherings or meetings? I needed a letter of reference from my boss; I didn’t want to hurt my chances for a strong recommendation. I’m not alone in having such fears: Many people knew for decades about the horrific behavior of entertainment executive Harvey Weinstein… and they said nothing. They feared, and probably rightly so, that reporting his repeated acts of sexual assault would have dire professional consequences. They stayed silent, and his behavior, of course, continued. Would you call someone out for bad behaviour? Another factor is confusion about what we’re actually seeing or hearing. Is that comment at the office a harmless joke, or is it racist and offensive? Is that spat a minor quarrel, or a serious case of domestic violence? Ambiguous situations like these make it harder for people to step up and act, because we don’t want to appear stupid or overly sensitive. Social psychologists have consistently found that people are far more willing to take action in the case of a clear emergency than when they find themselves in an ambiguous situation. In one study, researchers compared rates of helping for those who heard an ambiguous emergency (a loud crash in another room) versus an unambiguous one (a loud crash followed by groans of pain). Those who heard the crash and the groan were much more likely to help. RELATED: Moral courage – 5 ways to stand up against hate Inaction in ambiguous situations is partially driven by worry that our behavior will be judged by others. It helps explain why only 19 per cent of people intervene when they see a fight between a man and a woman when they believe they are watching a romantic quarrel (because the woman yells out “I never should have married you”), whereas 65 per cent of people intervene when they believe they are watching a fight between strangers (when the woman yells out “I don’t know you”). While intervening in a potentially violent conflict between strangers seems clearly the right thing to do, interfering in a domestic dispute may just cause awkwardness and embarrassment for all parties. When facing an ambiguous situation, our natural tendency is to look to others to figure out what’s going on. But here’s the problem: If each person is looking to the people around them to act, and no one wants to risk feeling foolish and embarrassed, the problematic comment or behavior may be left unchallenged. And this silence conveys a lack of concern, or even tacit acquiescence, making it far more likely that it will continue. “Social psychologists have consistently found that people are far more willing to take action in the case of a clear emergency than when they find themselves in an ambiguous situation.” One of my students – a male varsity basketball player – once told me that every day in the locker room, someone says something offensive. Then he wondered aloud, “Why do I sometimes say something and sometimes I don’t?” He recognized that what he was hearing was offensive, but also that he didn’t always speak up. What he probably didn’t understand was that in all likelihood some of his teammates also felt uncomfortable with these comments but, like him, felt more comfortable being silent, at least some of the time. Though we all imagine ourselves as courageous people who’d do the right thing, it’s not so simple. Over the last few months, we’ve seen multiple examples illustrating the challenge of calling out bad behavior in the case of mask wearing. If you see someone in a store not wearing a mask, do you speak up? You could – and you probably should – but you may worry about whether that person would become aggressive, or whether it’s your place to do so. Or how about if you notice a store clerk asking a customer to put on a mask, and see a confrontation escalating? Should you get involved? Again, you may worry about the potential consequences, such as increasing the spread of potentially infected saliva as more and more people talk. But the good news is we can hone specific skills for challenging bad behavior when we need to. Here are some science-based tips. 1. Find a short and clear way of expressing concern or disapproval This helps you avoid getting embroiled in a lengthy “teachable moment” or humiliating the other person. It simply identifies that the comment or action isn’t OK – for the person engaging in the behavior and for those observing it. One study examining responses to homophobic comments in the workplace found that the most effective type of confrontation was calm but direct: “Hey, that’s not cool.” A similar approach could be used for almost any type of harmful behavior, from calling out someone for using offensive language to intervening when a colleague is rude to a coworker. Openly expressing disapproval clearly communicates what isn’t acceptable, an essential first step in creating new social norms. 2. Assume that a comment is sarcastic and identify it as such Sometimes you can disarm a speaker by assuming they are only being sarcastic. So, for example, you could respond to a sexist comment about the hazards of voting for a woman by saying, “I know you’re just trying to be funny, but some people really do think that women are too emotional to be president!” Your response clarifies that you disagree with the comment, but it doesn’t make the person who made the remark appear stupid or bad. 3. Make the discomfort about you, not them One way of doing this is to reveal a personal connection to explain your reaction to an insensitive remark. You could say, “I was raised in the Catholic church so that comment is hard for me to hear,” or “A close friend of mine was sexually assaulted in high school, so jokes about rape make me uncomfortable.” This reduces the risk that you will make the person feel bad or defensive, but it also clearly indicates that their comment or behavior was wrong. 4. Actively play out different types of responses to offensive remarks or problematic behavior Learning different techniques for confronting bias or unethical behavior can make a difference, but it’s not enough to learn skills and strategies; it’s essential to practise using them. Practising helps reduce inhibitions about speaking up and makes responding feel more normal. It also increases our confidence that we can intervene in a real-world situation. Find a clear and short way to show disapproval shutterstock/Mix and Match Studio This is why the most effective programs for helping bystanders speak up – in schools, universities, and workplaces – not only provide training on how to handle difficult situations but also give people opportunities to practice these skills by roleplaying various scenarios. 5. Find a friend who shares your concern Doug McAdam, a sociologist at Stanford University, found that what best predicts when someone will challenge prevailing social norms, even at great personal risk, is not having to do so alone. The downfall of Theranos (a company that made fraudulent claims about blood testing) started when two employees spoke out together about their concerns, even though they knew they would face potentially lasting personal and professional repercussions. For those of us who aren’t naturally courageous, finding a friend to stand by our side can be essential. 6. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes In 1999, Kathryn Bolkovac, a former police officer, was working as a human rights investigator with the United Nations International Police Task Force in Bosnia and Herzegovina when she discovered that some fellow officers were engaging in sexual misconduct. They were hiring prostitutes and raping underage girls, and were involved in sex trafficking. When she reported these offenses to higher-ups, she was demoted and then fired. (In 2002, she won her lawsuit for wrongful termination.) What led her to speak up? For Bolkovac, a mother of three, one factor was the personal connection she felt to the girls who were being abused. As she told National Public Radio, “I’d be lying if I said there certainly weren’t moments when the children – my own girls – were going through my mind.” Speaking up and risking the consequences can be far easier if you can see the world from someone else’s perspective. Some people may naturally empathize with others, but we can all learn to be more empathic by deliberately expending the time and energy to cultivate empathy. After all, if you were being bullied or sexually assaulted, wouldn’t you want someone to stand up and help you? We can all learn to speak up in the face of bad behavior. If enough of us do so, we can change the culture to one of courage and action instead of silence and inaction. What would it take to create a culture in which we are expected to act when we hear offensive language, witness sexual misconduct, or see workplace fraud? Sometimes just a single voice can be enough, especially when that one person gives others the courage to speak up. • Main image: shutterstock/Krackenimages.com This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is grateful to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Many of us are guilty of self-criticism, and this trait ultimately makes us weaker and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, pulls us to a larger, kinder place. Ann Vrlak explores the benefits of self-love meditation and gives you a practice to get started with. Self-love. Does the phrase make you relax and smile, or does it make you cringe? Your reaction to this question will tell you a lot about yourself and if self-love meditation is something you may want to try. Being critical of ourselves, having a lot of negative self-talk, is unfortunately all too common. But, that doesn’t make it any less damaging to our sense of well-being and happiness. Indeed, self-criticism is intimately linked with not feeling worthy of love. Somehow, somewhere along the line, many of us learned that we have to earn love, rather than it being our birthright. We feel we have to be perfect to be loved. The problem is there’s no such thing as human perfection. Interestingly, in a conversation with Western psychotherapists, the Dalai Lama was puzzled by the concept of “low self-esteem” – it was not something he recognized in Tibetan culture at all! Self-love: the two wings of meditation Your head and your heart are the two wings of meditation. The head provides step-by-step practices, context and an understanding of the goals of meditation. The heart is the environment, the space you bring to meditation. If you follow a practice, step by step, but feel unloving and self-critical, it will be an ineffectual practice indeed, not to mention a subtle kind of self-punishment. Better not to meditate at all! Reduce tension and build strength through self-love meditation Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others. And don’t be fooled: self-love builds strength. Self-love or self-compassion has an undeserved reputation as being weak or self-indulgent. Not so. Indeed, one expert in self-compassion, Kristen Neff, makes the case for the opposite: that it builds resilience, self-awareness and compassion for others. What are the benefits of self-love meditation? Here are just a few of the advantages to practising self-love meditation. Incorporate it into your daily schedule and you should start to feel some of the following benefits: 1. Reduces tension and anxiety Self-criticism or self-judgment feels just like criticism or judgement from someone else. It causes anger, sadness or even fear, and causes tension and anxiety. Practising self-love meditation literally helps your nervous system relax and feel safe. 2. It feels better! Continuing on from the last point: who would you prefer to spend time with? Someone who criticizes what you think, how you look, how you act? Or, someone who’s curious about you, is kind, and treats you with respect and compassion? If you prefer the latter – spoiler alert! – you can treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? 3. Brings your unconscious self-criticism into the light Many, many people resist self-love meditations. Why? Because, as I’ve already mentioned, self-criticism is seen as “normal,” to some extent at least. There are many possible reasons for this that are outside the scope of this article! For now, it’s enough to know that practising self-love meditation will show you where you are on the spectrum of self-love to self-criticism. If you are nearer to the self-criticism end, that is not something to criticize yourself for. “Self-love meditation not only makes you happier, more creative and more resourceful, but it automatically opens your heart to others.” Meditation is a tool for self-knowledge. If your self-love meditation shows you your unconscious habit of negative self-talk, it’s OK, you’re not alone! You can start to notice this self-talk, how it makes you feel and how it affects what you do. And if you want to make things better. 4. Builds strength Self-criticism essentially makes you smaller and less capable. Self-love, on the other hand, takes you to a larger, kinder viewpoint on yourself. You see your ‘weaknesses’ or limitations without feeling threatened by them. This makes change and growth something you’re naturally drawn to do – you can choose it consciously from a healthy place. 5. Rest our minds We use our minds so much, we can forget to feel. It’s healthy to ‘unplug’ your mind and remember what is most important to you. Is it to feel happy? To feel safe and loved? A self-love meditation is a simple and powerful way to take quality time for yourself, let your mind rest and immerse yourself in love and respect. A self-love meditation practice You can do this practice sitting or lying down. Get comfortable and start by following your breath for a few minutes. When you’re feeling relaxed, notice any emotions you’re having in the moment. In particular, is there any slight feeling of upset or unhappiness that you can find? For your first few sessions of the practice, it’s best to work with something small, but you be the judge of what you’re up for. If nothing comes up right now, you can bring to mind a recent situation that caused you a bit of emotional turmoil. For a few breaths, notice where that emotion is located. You might feel sadness in your throat, for example, or anger in your solar plexus. See where you physically feel your emotion most strongly. Be specific. And notice the thoughts that accompany the emotion. Do you have thoughts of self-blame, regret or unworthiness? Now, repeat one of the following statements silently or out loud. If none of the statements feel right to you, that’s OK. See if you can find another that fits and has the same message of attention and caring. Here’s the first statement. “I see you [name your emotion]. That sounds really hard, I’m sorry.” Here’s another: “I’m here. Stay as long as you like [name your emotion], you’re welcome here.” Or: “I see you [name your emotion]. I love you.” If you have resistance to these statements, welcome to the club! See if you can feel the intention and meaning of one of these statements, even for a few seconds. What does it feel like to turn toward your own discomfort with a caring attention, rather than turning away from it, or minimizing or judging it? And if you just can’t feel any self-love toward yourself, toward your own pain, does that evoke some self-compassion in you? How hard is it to move through life in this way? When you feel resistance or judgement about the practice itself, include that, too: “I see you resistance. That must be hard. I’m sorry.” You can picture someone you care about having the emotion you’re experiencing. Can you feel the compassion you naturally want to give them and direct it to yourself? Is it actually true that they are worthy of love, but you are not? It helps to realize your common humanity: whatever upsetting or difficult emotion you’re experiencing right now, there are people all over the world experiencing the same thing. Suffering in big and small ways is just part of being human; it’s not a punishment. Recognizing that many of us are worried about our aging parents or about losing our job can soften your heart toward yourself and others. Keep feeling your uncomfortable emotion and saying your loving statement. If the words just get in the way, just see if you can feel love in your heart. Let love come into contact with your suffering. Continue the practice as long as it feels comfortable, watching and listening closely for how self-love feels for you. Conclusion: self-love meditation Self-love meditation can uncover perspectives and insights that you can’t see when you’re criticizing yourself. Do this practice as a kind of call and response. Send out self-love in your chosen statement and watch for a response. If you’re not used to sending yourself love, the response could be very small or very fleeting – part of you may not “believe” what you’re sending or not want to accept it. So, really watch for, listen to, and feel any response from your heart and body: a softening, a sense of relief, a bit of gratitude. Those small signs are seeds you can nurture each time you practice self-love meditation. Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Burnout | Stress management | Mindfulness Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

In our busy, modern world it's all to easy to get distracted from the task in hand. Ann Vrlak outlines how meditation practices can improve your focus and boost concentration levels so you can get the job done and feel happier. A desire to improve mental focus is one of the most common reasons people want to learn meditation. In fact, improving concentration and focus may be more relevant to your everyday life than you think! There are two ingredients in a strong ability to focus: being able to direct your attention where you want it to be and keeping it there for a sustained period of time, regardless of anything else that might want to grab your attention. So, you need a stable, calm focus for things like: A work project you’re in charge of at the office. An important conversation with your partner or child. A creative project you're excited about. Thinking about work life balance, what’s most important to you and how you want to spend your precious time and energy. In all of these everyday situations, you just can’t be at your best when your mind is scattered: You won’t be able to move your project forward without the ability to focus on one thing at a time. If you can’t focus in a conversation, people won’t feel heard and that can cause disconnection and conflict with the people closest to you. Creativity invites you to go beneath the surface and connect with something deeper inside you that wants to be expressed. It’s very hard to do that when your mind is cluttered. To make wise, meaningful life decisions you need to hold many things in your focus: your intentions, values and hopes. You can improve focus at work with meditative techniques Luckily, focus is one of the core skills you learn through meditation. Each time you sit, you practise both parts of focus: putting your attention where you want it and keeping it there, in spite of any distractions. Why you might find it hard to focus When you practise meditation for focus, especially if you’re a beginner, you start to recognize what focus feels like and what lack of focus feels like, too! You learn what your unique distractions are: it could be anxiety, boredom, food, worry, or something else. You’ll learn, each time you sit to meditate, what keeps you from being present and focused. Related: Meditation for beginner's – our Top 6 videos That’s because meditation is a mirror, and it will show you how your mind operates, but usually outside of your conscious awareness. Once you are aware of it, you can begin to investigate, to understand and, if you want, to change or to heal. I don’t want you to think that your imperfect ability to focus is a personal failing. There are many pressures in the modern world that make it extra hard for us to see focus as something worthwhile, never mind being able to improve our focus. First of all, multitasking is very much the norm these days. Add in anxiety and stress, which are increasing in all age groups, even including children, sadly, and the ability to focus becomes harder still. “Focus is one of the core skills you learn through meditation. Each time you sit, you practise both parts of focus: putting your attention where you want it and keeping it there, in spite of any distractions.” Furthermore, thanks to the overabundance of information and entertainment channels available to us, we have all become conditioned to high levels of stimulation and information input. Experts say this information onslaught just isn’t healthy for our nervous system: it radically shortens our attention span and although we often turn to these outlets to relax, in fact, they increase anxiety levels. You can see how all these factors could work against your desire to strengthen your focus! Meditation for focus The great news is there are many meditations to strengthen your focus, and help calm your overstimulated brain. Practising meditation for focus also increases your confidence and self-esteem. When you’re able to stay with the task in front of you and bring more of your skills and resources to it, you’re not only more productive, but more satisfied with the process. The journey is as enjoyable as the destination. You can use just about anything as an object of focus in meditation, but I’ll describe two proven practices you can try. There are many more, but you can do these practices anywhere and anytime you have a few minutes – even when you’re sitting in traffic or waiting at the doctor’s. Mantra Repetition of a mantra is the oldest form of meditation and is used in Vedic meditation. You choose a mantra, which traditionally is a Sanskrit word but doesn’t need to be, and repeat the mantra out loud or silently to yourself for a period of practice. Mantra practice takes you into a focused space of sound and sensation. OM, the primordial mantra, is one simple and powerful mantra to use. It is said to be the sound of the universe that animates everything on earth. If you prefer to use words you’re more familiar with, you can repeat words or phrases like, “Peace,” “May all beings be happy” or “Be kind in all things.” .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } So Hum meditation for focus YouTube/Chopra Breath Meditation for focus practices that use the breath are the most common. They’re wonderful practices because wherever you go, you have your breath! Focusing on your breath is incredibly calming for your nervous system, while also leading your attention away from your mind. One of my favourite breath practices is the Box Breath. Each side of the box represents one part of a breath cycle–the inbreath, holding your breath, your outbreath and holding your breath again – and each is done for count of four. This practice is so powerful that even Navy SEALS use it in high stress situations where it’s crucial to relax and jumpstart their minds into a high level of alertness. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } xx xxx Meditation for focus through breathing YouTube/MyLife For both practices, the instructions are the same. Sit in a comfortable, but also alert position, ideally with your eyes closed. Start to pay attention to your chosen object of focus and do your best to keep your attention there. When your attention moves to something else, which it definitely will, the practice is to notice and gently, without judgment, bring your attention back to your object. Repeat, for as long as you like. That’s it! This practice is harder than it sounds, however. One reason is the overstimulation I mentioned that makes it quite difficult to focus on one thing for long. Another reason is almost everyone who tries this practice will think they’ve done something wrong when their mind wanders. They criticize themselves and feel reassured of their inability to focus. “When you practise meditation for focus, especially if you’re a beginner, you start to recognize what focus feels like and what lack of focus feels like, too!” So, there are two keys to this practice: To understand that a wandering attention is exactly what the practice is about; it’s not something you’re doing wrong. When you notice you have wandered and bring your attention back, be kind and matter-of-fact about it. Don’t let negative self-talk creep in to your mind and heart. Conclusion: meditation for focus Modern culture really doesn’t value being focused on one thing very much. Many of us have learned that more is better and multitasking is best. If you find that meditation for focus is hard, remember that “it’s not just you.” Give yourself a chance to relearn the benefits of an uncluttered, focused mind for your productivity, well-being, creativity and connections with people that are important to you. • Main image: shutterstock/WAYHOME Studio happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ read our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Mindfulness | Happiness | Vulnerability Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

October may mark the mid-point between summer and winter, but it remains a good one from the point of view of positive news. This October saw many new stories that were full of hope and happiness: here's Ed Gould's round-up of the ten best... 1. Boost your happiness with a short review of your day The BBC reported in October that a simple exercise to appraise your day can improve your happiness and well being. Its report focused on Sandi Mann, a lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire, who suggested that the habit offers a straightforward psychological boost when completed regularly. She suggests conducting a review of your day in which six questions, including what experiences gave you pleasure, are asked. By focusing on your answers you can gradually shift your mindset, no matter how bleak, to a happier one. 2. New hope for fossil fuel free energy A fuel that's packed with energy just like coal would make a huge difference to electrical energy production – if it didn't release so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and add to global climate change. Incredibly, exactly this could be on the horizon thanks to Spanish company Ingelia. The Valencia-based company has developed an industrial process called hydrothermal carbonisation. Essentially, this means it can make biocarbon named 'biochar', which can be burned with zero emissions. What's more, there should be a plentiful supply of biochar's raw material: it's made from nothing more than sewage, meaning we can all contribute! 3. Toy giant to harness to power of mindfulness You might not put Lego and mindfulness in the same headspace but that may change according to reports in The Daily Telegraph. The Denmark-based toy brand has decided to use a new marketing ploy in which its simple bricks are used to help achieve a sense of inner calm. A spokesperson for the company said that the idea was to highlight the benefits of mindfulness through Lego, since playing with it offered a “challenge that's at once relaxing and creatively stimulating.” The campaign is primarily aimed at young adults rather than Lego's core audience of children: perhaps it's time to break that tub of bricks open! Building blocks of happiness? Lego could help... 4. The era of single-use plastic is coming to an end In more positive news for the environment, the European Union has taken steps to ban the use of plastics which are designed for single use only. Many media outlets reported that MEPs had voted to ban things like plastic cotton buds, knives and forks, drink stirrers and straws. Many such plastic products end up in the ocean and enter the food chain when eaten by fish (which are subsequently caught and consumed by humans). The move is expected to take effect from 2021. 5. French city leads the way in public transport revolution During October, The Guardian reported how the citizens of the coastal city of Dunkirk were taking up public transport in ever greater numbers. Not surprising given that the city's authorities decided to offer all bus services to its community for free. What's newsworthy is the fact that buses have since become places of social interaction, meeting points and even places to get work done: Dunkirk's buses offer complimentary Wi-Fi. Research suggests that as bus use rises, so fewer cars head into the city, freeing it up and generating cleaner air for all: a win-win situation. 6. Could mushrooms treat depression? In America, where the use of substances is regulated by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), permission has been granted into a scientific study into the effects of psilocybin mushrooms. Long known for their psychedelic effect, these fungi may unlock some clues as to how to treat mental health disorders like depression. It took some time for the FDA to come to its final decision, but the path now appears to be clear for researchers to progress with their studies. Mushroom for improvement: fungi could treat depression 7. Cannabis may hold the key to treating Crohn's disease Medical News Today reported a story that should bring some happiness to those with Crohn's disease. A debilitating condition that impacts negatively on the digestion system, people living with Crohn's may soon be able to make use of the properties of cannabis to lessen the severity of symptoms. The medical uses of cannabis are well known, but this Israeli-led research indicates that the drug may soon be widely used to help treat pain caused by the condition. Project lead Timna Naftali, a gastroenterology specialist at Tel Aviv University's Meir Hospital, said it's yet to be determined how a treatment might work but its effects are already there to be seen. 8. Solar farm created on former disaster site Chernobyl may forever be linked with the worrying outcome of a fully-blown nuclear power plant disaster, but it's making power once more. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, the old power plant – which was thought to be completely unusable following its meltdown – has now been converted into a solar energy farm. It still may be too radioactive to live there, but workers can safely set up solar panels which create green electricity. So far, the Ukraine has installed in excess of 3,700 solar panels at the site. 9. UN recognizes Indian state's farming achievement Affording new hope to anyone who believes in the future of an agricultural sector which does not rely on pesticides and antibiotics, the Indian state of Sikkim has officially become 100 per cent organic. Over 60,000 farms have adopted the practice, which, according to Reuters, has boosted tourism in the state, as well as setting an example of what can be achieved with a collective effort. The Food and Agriculture Organization of the UN recognized the achievement by awarding Sikkim with its most prestigious prize. Congratulations! Indian farmer with eggplants © Hari Mahidhar/shutterstock.com 10. Police beat stress with mindfulness techniques Few jobs can be as stressful as working for the police. In response to the needs of officers, the United Kingdom's College of Policing has developed a 'Mindfit Cop' programme to teach officers how to use methods derived from Buddhist meditation to help face up to their work difficulties and anxieties. The eight-week course has already been taken up by officers from South Wales, Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire, Somerset and Avon. It's hoped the course will see fewer cases of burnout within the service, so that officer retention rates are improved. ● Do you think Lego could help you be more mindful? Have you ever tried an end-of-day appraisal? Share your thoughts on October's positive news stories with the community below... Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

What are the signs of self-sabotaging in relationships and why do we often undermine our possibilities of a successful romance? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the logic behind self-sabotage in couples and offers some practical solutions. Self-sabotage is acting in a way that undermines our achievements and daily living. We can be and often are doing this in various areas of life. You could be self-sabotaging if you keep eating junk food instead of a healthy diet. If you oversleep almost every exam, or if you are constantly late for job interviews. In relationships, self-sabotaging behaviour means actively trying to ruin the relationship, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously. It can happen with friendships, family relationships, or in romantic couplings. In this article, we will focus on how and why we self-sabotage romantic relationships when in reality we really want to be in that relationship. Signs of self-sabotage in relationships What does self-sabotaging in a relationship look like? Could you be doing it without even realising it? Here are six ways you could be unintentionally looking to destroy your relationship. Not addressing adverse emotions Every relationship will sometimes spark anger, anxiety, frustration, dissatisfaction. Ideally, these emotions will be addressed in a constructive conversation with your partner. However, when you are not willing to do so, it could be a sign of self-sabotage, as a recent study found. Extreme suspiciousness It’s normal to get insecure in a relationship from time to time. Doubts about your partner’s commitment and faithfulness could creep in. However, if you are not responding to reassurance – and there is no easing your suspicion– you could be self-sabotaging the relationship Extreme criticism Expressing your expectations and needs is not only normal – it is a prerequisite of healthy relationships. Yet, you could be overly critical. This happens when you are actively searching for everything that is “wrong” with your partner. Also, if you are not providing constructive criticism and suggestions on how to mend the things you don’t like, it can be considered extreme criticism. Constantly nagging in this way creates a wedge between you and your partner and sabotages the relationship Holding grudges Most relationships come with some level of hurt here and there. Those that succeed, research shows, use such occurrences to grow. Partners learn, talk, forgive and self-forgive, change for the better. If you decide to hold a grudge instead of working on forgiving the offence, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. Bearing grudges is a sign of relationship self-sabotage shutterstock/Olena Yakobchuk Breaking promises Life happens, and we cannot always keep our promises. We’ll come late, forget to buy groceries, miss the date night and work instead. However, when you do this regularly, it could be a sign of you unconsciously trying to make your partner so dissatisfied that they will end the relationship. Avoiding physical intimacy Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy. The idea of the sizzling passion that lasts for ever promoted in media is unrealistic and puts unnecessary pressure on couples. Although the topic is extensive, we can say that physical intimacy means much more than mindblowing, fulfilling and happy sex all the time. Indeed, any level of physical intimacy in a relationship can be normal and satisfying for the couple. However, you could find yourself beginning to avoid the usual form of intimacy and physical affection in your relationship. And this might be a sign of withdrawing and self-sabotaging. Why do we self-sabotage relationships? Relationship issues are one of the top reasons people seek a psychologist’s help. And the causes of a dysfunctional relationship are many. But one factor that often connects many forms of seemingly senseless actions in unhealthy relationships is self-sabotaging behaviour. Here is a typical example. You meet the 'perfect' person. You fall in love and do everything you can to make them yours. They’re an ideal partner – loving, full of kindness, inspiring, passionate, selfless. But now, all of a sudden, you seem to be doing your best to ruin the relationship. It doesn’t make much sense, right? So, why do we do it? “Research shows that one of the paths self-saboteurs take when working on ruining their relationship is avoiding physical intimacy.” A 2019 study published in the Journal of Relationship Research brought together the findings and observations of 15 Australian relationships psychologists, giving us insight into the intricate world of self-sabotaging relationships of a romantic nature. The researchers detected six key sources of self-handicapping behaviour in intimate relationships: 1. Fear of getting hurt Most commonly, people consciously or unconsciously try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage. For example, let’s say you got deeply wounded in one of your previous relationships. If you didn’t address the pain in a healthy way, it might be controlling your actions in all subsequent relationships. So, instead of allowing your partner to see your vulnerability, you could be creating conflict. Being angry all the time, stonewalling, or cheating are some of the proven strategies to damage a relationship. The reasoning here is simple: “If I ruin the relationship, I can’t get hurt”. 2. Insecure attachment style The blueprint of our adult relationships gets developed in childhood. How our parents related to us will eventually transfer to our way of relating to others. A 2019 study determined that romantic self-saboteurs are most commonly those who underwent attachment trauma in childhood. If your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, you are likely to sabotage your relationships. The reason is, again, to avoid the prospect of being abandoned or hurt by your partner. 3. Low self-esteem In the roots of many self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships is the belief that we are unworthy of love. Being overly self-critical can transfer to how we relate to others in our lives. If you see yourself as hopeless and helpless, you probably won’t even try to deal with a problem or mend a disagreement. In other words, you will allow your relationship to decay, sabotaging it with passivity. When your self-esteem is low, you will probably expect your partner to find another, and succumb to jealousy fits as a result. Alternatively, you could also accept being belittled all the time. Therefore, you could seek toxic, often narcissistic partners, and self-sabotage your chances of healthy relationships. Trust and communication are essential shutterstock/oneinchpunch 4. Beliefs about relationships in general One possible cause of self-sabotaging relationships relates to our preconceptions about how a partnership should look like. A 2012 study confirmed that when couples believe in myths about love and marriage, these misconceptions can negatively impact relationships. It can be any of the two extreme beliefs about partnerships – that they are an inevitable cause of pain – or a fairytale. In both cases, such presumptions and associated anticipations sabotage your chances of developing authentic intimacy. Indeed, you will find yourself acting on those expectations without really testing them in reality. People whose beliefs are set in stone are often inflexible. There is no place for compromise or organic growth of love. There is little room for spontaneity. In that way, those people inevitably destroy their relationships. 5. Underdeveloped coping mechanisms All relationships hit hurdles. Whether it’s day-to-day stressors or a massive crisis – every relationship will go through tough times at some point. Indeed, according to a 2021 study, lack of resilience and self-efficacy was found to trigger self-sabotaging behaviour in romantic relationships. “Most commonly, people try to wreck relationships because they are too afraid of being vulnerable. The fear of being hurt combines with the desire to self-protect and initiate self-sabotage.” If you are not prepared to handle conflicts, you could, for example, emotionally withdraw and shut down. Alternatively, you could get defensive, needy and clingy. Furthermore, an affair, for some, presents a sort of a safe escape from having to deal with fights or crises. So, when you cannot cope with stress in a relationship, you could be actively ruining it. 6. Avoiding commitment A way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to stick to brief relationships – no real commitment. When you initiate a relationship and then end it before it gets serious, you remain in control. Or, so you think. Who is actually in control is the self-saboteur – and this is not your authentic self. In fact, it’s merely your defense mechanism. How to stop self-sabotaging relationships As mentioned earlier, we will not be talking about the relationships you truly wish to leave for whatever reason. We will be looking into why and how you keep self-sabotaging relationships you do want to be in. So, how can you stop being self-destructive when it comes to your love life? Understand the hidden saboteur We gave you six evidence-based reasons why people self-sabotage their romantic endeavors. If you want to stop ruining your relationships, you need to understand why it is you felt you needed to do so in the first place. Set aside some time to do some soul-searching and explore your hidden reasons. Dig deep and really ask yourself 'why' a few times over. Learn about your attachment styles Attachment styles can have a massive impact on our adult relationships. Indeed, you and your partner’s attachment styles could dictate how you relate to each other. To steer your interactions in another way, start by taking a quick relationship attachment style test. When you become aware of your style and how it affects you, you can begin to change the patterns and transform your relationship. Communicate This advice will never get old: communicate. Do it assertively, openly, gently and respectfully. Be direct and genuine. Avoid casting blame – express yourself and your perspective and feelings. Start your sentences with “I feel…”, “To me, it seems as if…”. Explain your position and how you feel in a particular situation, then propose a solution, and ask your partner how they feel about it. Good communication in a relationship is essential to its survival. Seek counselling Self-sabotage often comes from deeply ingrained patterns we can’t clearly notice ourselves. Significant romantic relationships have a way of triggering the unconscious fears and expectations that waited for the right time to appear. Counselling can help you (and your partner) to bring that unconscious content to the light of the day, address it, and regain control over your life and relationships. Round-up: ditch the saboteur We all have a saboteur hiding somewhere inside of us. It’s not a villain. It’s merely a part of us trying to protect us from harm the best way it knows how. However, if you want to control your life – including your love life – you need to thank this part of you for its contribution and say goodbye to it. Stop self-sabotaging relationships and embrace the new you when it comes to romance: awaken and brave. • Please bear in mind that the list doesn’t cover all the nuances of how people sabotage their relationship chances. If you suspect you could be self-sabotaging, consider seeking out a psychologist’s help to assist you in figuring out your feelings and behaviour. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Healthy habits | Relationship advice | Self care | Quality time Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

October was full of feel-good environmental and health stories – but you may have missed them given all the negative news currently in the press. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten feel-good news stories from the past month to uplift and inspire. October may have been rainy and dreary in many parts of the world with nothing but negative news feeds to add to the misery. However, there were plenty of feel-good stories you may have missed this autumn. Here are my Top 10 picks from the past month. 1. Morning exercise could combat cancer In a report published in Medical News Today, it's suggested that people who exercise before work – in fact, perhaps any time before mid-morning – are less likely to develop cancer. This compares well to people who do not exercise regularly at all as well as those who do their exercises after lunch and in the evening. The research behind the findings was published in the International Journal of Cancer following several years of research in the USA. 2. Mental health improved by good teacher-pupil relationships It's said you should always be respectful to your teachers and now it seems we have evidence to suggest why! A report in the Daily Mail stated that people with a good relationship with their teachers are less likely to suffer from mental health disorders such as depression or anxiety. The news story cited Korean research which was conducted over the course of 13 years, following students from their school days into their young adulthood. Those who reported good teacher relationships were found to be in better mental health on average than others. 3. Giant new coral reef discovered As coral reefs are in global decline, the discovery of a new one should bring happiness to more than marine biologists. Thankfully, just such a discovery has been off the coast of Australia. According to the Times, researchers on board of a scientific vessel named Falkor found the reef some 40 metres beneath the surface. The reef is estimated to be 20 million years old and is in very good health. What's even more staggering is that the 400-metre long reef rises from the ocean floor, over half a kilometre down. This means that the corals that form the reef appear to be stacked on one another to a height that would match the Empire State Building in New York if it were to be above ground instead of beneath the waves! Coral comeback: a new reef has been discovered shutterstock/Ethan Daniels 4. Seagrass restoration project hailed a success In other feel-good underwater news, according to a report in Science News, the world's largest seagrass restoration project has far exceeded expectations. Although the project has been ongoing for the last two decades, researchers announced in October that their efforts had grown from a patch of 200 hectares on the sea bed to over 3,600. To put that into context, the Virginia Institute of Marine Science believes the only other comparable project, one in Australia, covers a total area of just ten hectares. Not only does seagrass make the water clearer, but it also provides a natural habitat for many marine lifeforms. It also stores carbon, something that will help in the fight against climate change. 5. Insomnia treatment found... and it's simple! Insomnia is one of those conditions that can have a debilitating effect and yet there are not many treatments available which don't involve medication. Anyone who has trouble dropping off will be interested to hear that a new research paper published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine has found that people who sleep under a weighted blanket – as opposed to a traditional duvet – are more likely to enjoy a restful night. Indeed, it's reported that this technique is much more likely to have an impact on better sleep compared to just about any other sleep-inducing products on the market today. RELATED: Can't sleep? 14 fixes to get a good night's rest 6. Protein shakes are good for the brain Scientists at the University of Illinois have discovered that protein shakes aid cognitive abilities. Drinking protein has long been the preserve of athletes and bodybuilders because it allows them to build bulk without necessarily adding weight. However, psychology professor Aron Barbey has found that these drinks also help the brain to function better. When protein shakes are combined with a healthy exercise regime, people can retain information better and gain a faster response to tests. Compared to people taking a placebo, the study found that so-called working memory functions are much improved thanks to the shakes. According to Barbey, protein shakes enhance several measures of cognitive function while also promoting better physical conditioning. Shake it up: protein drinks can boost memory functions shutterstock/vectorfusionart 7. Solar energy now the norm in South Australia Strong suns are often associated with Australia, but usually in the tropical north of the country. However, in October, South Australia saw most of its electrical generating capacity come from solar sources for the first time. Indeed for a short time during the month, all of the state's power requirements were being met from solar installations alone. This is a quite remarkable feat given that so much of South Australia's solar generation comes from relatively modest rooftop solar arrays. “Never before has an area the size of South Australia been completely served by solar power before,” said Audrey Zibelman, CEO of the Australian Energy Market Operator. Significantly, Zibelman went on to add that ordinary consumers’ solar installations contributed over three-quarters of the electrical output during peak demand. 8. Solar panel design could boost output dramatically And there's more feel-good news around solar energy this month. According to the University of York, solar power could become even more efficient thanks to a novel 3D design. A team at the university partnered with colleagues at NOVA University of Lisbon to come up with a solar panel that is thinner and lighter than conventional ones. It also makes use of a checker board design, meaning up to 125 per cent more light could be absorbed. It's hoped that the design will mean solar power becomes much easier to deploy in new situations while operating more efficiently than before. 9. AI deployed in fight against Alzheimer's Alzheimer's disease is not always easy to diagnose in its early stages. This is why artificial intelligence (AI) is now being used to help medical professionals. According to the BBC, AI systems look at a person's responses to a particular image. The algorithm is able to learn what normal responses are as well as those which might indicate the presence of the degenerative disease. It's hoped that it could lead to more successful diagnoses – up to 15 years earlier than would otherwise be possible. RELATED: Cognitive impairment – 5 ways to reduce the risk as you age 10. Wind may be the future of ocean-going freight Wind power looks set to make a commercial return as a new cargo ship is in development that will run without the need for fossil fuels. Instead, the vessel – which will be able to carry 7,000 vehicles from port to port – will have retractable solid sails that will help it to manoeuvre around the seven seas powered by nothing other than naturally occurring winds. As reported in Popular Mechanics, the sails look more like aircraft wings than old-fashioned canvas sails. However, they could be behind all sorts of future green transport if the design is found to be a success. • Main image: shutterstock/ALEX_UGALEK happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Positive news | Mindfulness | Nature | Biology | Biotechnology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

We all know that connecting with nature is great for relaxing, but, as Dee Marques explains, in fact, it has a scientifically-proven impact on our health and happiness, boosting emotions and relationships. Have you ever felt enveloped by a feeling of awe and inspiration after watching a nature documentary? For centuries, the connection between humans and nature has been a key concern for people from all cultures, and recently, science has given us more reasons to believe in the benefits of having a deeper connection with nature. Let's take a look at how staying close to nature benefits our well-being, health, and relationships. What's the connection between humans and nature? The human-nature connection has been studied by academics for decades. In the 1980s developmental psychologists observed that the tendency to get close to nature is present in young children and put forward the hypothesis that we are genetically predisposed to seek a connection with nature. Interestingly, another study revealed that this desire to find a connection with nature was evident even in representations of nature, such as wall art. Researchers at a psychiatric hospital in Sweden noted that while patients had negative reactions to abstract art paintings and decorations, they consistently responded positively to art that depicted scenes of nature. Connecting with nature has positive effects on emotions and relationships This has led researchers to suggest there's a built-in bias towards natural environments. Some have suggested that we prefer natural spaces because, originally, they provided us with everything we needed to prosper and evolve as a species. Whether this preference for nature is coded in our genes or not is still subject to debate within the scientific community. However, although we may not fully understand the details of the human-nature affiliation, the beneficial effects of connecting with nature cannot be denied. Moreover, scientists have found similar evidence in cross-cultural studies, suggesting that this eagerness to get close to nature is due to more than just aesthetic preferences. In a way, we can say that the belief that a nature connection is good for us and has some sort of healing effect on soul and body is universal. The link between nature, our emotions, and relationships It seems clear that the environment we live in plays an important role in our emotional state and overall level of happiness. In fact, according to science, natural environments have two major benefits for our emotions. Firstly, being connected to nature can lead to stress reduction and mood improvement. Research studies have found a correlation between exposure to natural stimuli, stress and anger reduction, and improvement in self-reported psychological well-being and mental health. “Being connected to nature can lead to stress reduction and mood improvement. The second key emotional benefit involves enjoying stronger bonds with others.” Those of us who live in urban environments (more than 50 per cent of the global population according to recent statistics) often find it soothing to spend time in nature because it gives us a break from the hyper-stimulation of the senses we experience in cities. This calming effect has even been observed in EEG tests, which showed a physical response to nature in more stable brain waves and in a blood flow increase to the amygdala, the organ that controls stress and fear. Being in nature leads to stress reduction and mood improvement The second key emotional benefit of feeling attuned to nature involves enjoying stronger bonds with others. A better and more relaxed mood translates into a more compassionate attitude that can improve the quality of our social bonds. Supporting this argument are studies that prove that exposure to nature by simply watching Planet Earth videos fostered cooperation and altruism between participants. How emotions influence our health Like a domino effect, nature influences our emotions and relationships, and in turn, these affect our overall health and happiness. For example, being in nature generates emotions like awe, joy, serenity, gratitude, and inspiration. According to psychologists, these positive emotions build up a range of micro-moments that over time contribute to a deep sense of happiness. “Like a domino effect, nature influences our emotions and relationships, and in turn, these affect our overall health and happiness.” Other science-based studies have shown that positive emotions can lead to a reduction in the chances of developing heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure, as well as helping improve chronic and inflammatory disease. Other research findings suggest that positive emotions can help boost resistance to illness and strengthen the immune system. Spend time in nature by visiting parks and gardens; even better with friends! Connecting with nature: the takeaway Developing a connection with nature can only benefit us, but how can we achieve this in a world that is increasingly disconnected from it? We don’t need to become hermits and live in a remote mountain hut to appreciate nature and build a connection with it. Some practical ideas that you can easily put into practice include: Visiting parks and gardens Organising a picnic, or try to meet others outdoors whenever possible Taking up gardening or kitchen garden Growing your own herbs or vegetable patch Taking your time to savour whole foods Getting started with stargazing or birdwatching Going on a hiking or camping holiday In fact, simply taking time to consider your connection with nature and what small actions you can take to improve its quality may bring benefits. To the extent that you can, try to cultivate the natural inclination humans feel towards nature in all its manifestations, and let the therapeutic effect of nature improve the quality and enjoyment of your life. ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online Academy classes Family activities | Benefits of gardening | Simple living Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out connecting with nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

From laughing at yourself to reminding yourself of looming death, some secrets of happiness are shared in this bitesize 60-second video from The School of Life. So, take a minute (literally) to watch it... it could change your life for good! The secrets of happiness are not as complicated as you might think. We love this arty, 60-second video by The School of Life, that explains it all in simple steps. Definitely worth a watch! .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The secrets of happiness at a glance: Stop being so hopeful. Look at the glass as half-empty and be grateful when something good happens. A lot of people go around thinking that life is a bowl of cherries. It isn’t. Stop ranting about how awful other people are. Most people aren’t evil. Accept that other people have bad days too and that it has nothing to do with you. Think of death a lot. Keep a skull on your table. A subtle reminder to use your time wisely and appreciate the time you’ve already been given. Thanks, death! Laugh at yourself. You’re not the idiot you think you are. You’re lovable and laughable. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Make regular appointments to talk with someone you don’t normally check in with a lot: YOU! What do you really want? What are you really anxious about? When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Stop the impossible task of trying to make yourself happy. Concentrate on cheering other people up. Seeing happiness in other people helps you to cheer up, too! Look at things from a different and far away perspective. Like from space. Things will look the size they always should’ve been – tiny and insignificant. Throw your phone off a cliff for a bit. Talk to your partner, your mother, or anyone else close to you. Chances are you’ve been bent over that thing all day and haven’t even noticed that the sun is shining. Give up on the idea that you should be normal. The only normal people are people you don’t know yet. Everyone is weird and that’s totally okay. Love your weirdness. Which of these get-happy tips do you agree with you? Do you have any keys to happiness? Comment below! ● Main image: The School of Life/YouTube.com Written by Tine Steiss Tine is part of the happiness.com team. She's an artist, meditator, media engineer and MBSR teacher. If she's not traveling she's working on turning her rooftop terrace into a garden paradise. Find out more about her on: Instagram.

Habits are key to achieving your goals — but only if you don’t get tired of them, research suggests. By CAROLINE BENNER on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. Along the Pacific Crest Trail, hikers who set out to complete the entire 2,650 miles from Mexico to Canada are especially vulnerable to quitting at two points: around mile 100 and mile 1,000. Those who make it past mile 100 are the hikers who carve out new habits amid the challenge of their new lives: wake up, eat Pop-Tart, stuff tent into pack, walk. Wearing clothes clammy with yesterday’s sweat, squatting behind a tree to go to the bathroom, and eating ramen for dinner every night become the norm. But hikers who establish those useful on-trail habits tend to get bored of them as soon as the novelty and challenge are gone. This disenchantment often hits around mile 1,000, at the beginning of Northern California. Hiker Claire Henley Miller, who ended up quitting at mile 1,232 in 2015, described this phenomenon in her book: “It began as something new and invigorating and had lasted in this way for many suns and moons. But now, after participating in mile after mile of this one continuous event, the journey had turned into a mundane chore of waking, walking, and setting up camp; an ongoing cycle of wash, rinse, repeat.” XXX shutterstock/271 EAK MOTO “Why did I end my hike with only 250 miles until Canada?” 2015 hiker Brett Pallastrini asked in his journal. “I was done hiking. I was mentally over it.” Whether hiking a trail or pursuing other projects, the feeling of being “over it” can be so strong that we abandon goals that once excited us, even goals that we have the potential to achieve. Research into our emotional experiences around habits can help explain this phenomenon and keep us on track with our goals. The downside of habits Habits, those automated actions we repeat at regular intervals, help us achieve goals. Want to lose weight? Make a habit of eating breakfast instead of skipping it. Want to write a novel? Make it a habit to wake up a half hour early and write. The link between habits and goals is so compelling that it has generated multiple bestselling books. What no one mentions — but those Pacific Crest Trail hikers saw — is that those same habits that you establish to achieve your goals can turn on you. When we get too accustomed to a particular behavior we perform en route to a goal, we are more likely to quit. Like a marriage that has gone stale after too many years together, our goal becomes boring, and we look for new thrills. In one study, University of Southern California psychology and business professor Wendy Wood and her colleagues asked college students to record what they were doing at one-hour intervals for a day or two: studying, exercising, or socializing, for example. They also asked students how they felt about that behavior on a scale that ranged from very negative to very positive. “Whether hiking a trail or pursuing other projects, the feeling of being 'over it' can be so strong that we abandon goals that once excited us, even goals that we have the potential to achieve.” Wood found that when performing habitual behaviors, students reported feeling less intense emotions — and, in particular, less pride. This was true even when the behaviors had once been enjoyable, like watching TV or hanging out with friends. It was also true for behaviors that were important to achieving long-term goals, Wood says. Working and studying, two activities that contribute to a future career, were not especially pleasant or unpleasant for students when performed habitually. Wood explains this phenomenon, the so-called 'double law of habits': “Repetition has multiple effects,” she says. “One is to strengthen the memory trace for an action, so that habitual tendencies get stronger. The other is to weaken your emotional response (boredom starts), so that you are no longer getting much kick from what you are doing.”
 Even habits as longstanding and simple as brushing your teeth are plagued by the habituation problem, Wood says. If you give people toothbrushes that monitor when they brush their teeth, you find that most people brush consistently in the morning, to eliminate bad breath, but evening tooth-brushing gets neglected when they are too tired or busy. “We speculate that people whose lives are characterized by large proportions of habitual behavior can find that their emotional experiences become dull and subdued over time,” write Wood and her colleagues. One of Wood’s graduate students is currently investigating this question further. How to combat habit boredom While there is plenty of advice on how to establish habits to help you meet your goals, there is little research about what to do when those habits get boring. So what do we do in the meantime? One way that people overcome this challenge is by figuring out how to add interest, fun, or passion back into those habits that move them toward their goal. You add passion back into a marriage by doing things you find fun together: going on date nights, for example. You can make habits compelling again in the same way. XXX For their 2015 hike, Catie Joyce-Bulay and her group downloaded a smartphone app with riddles — some of which took a day or two to solve. Her group also tried thinking of all the word combinations that PCT could stand for (Pina Colada Time, Partially Castrated Tiger). Other hikers turn their focus to blogging about the hike, or spend their hiking hours listening to books on tape they had always wanted to read — in other words, sharing their experiences with others or keeping their minds occupied. But beware: paradoxically, we sometimes reduce our enjoyment even further in attempting to reinvigorate our drive. It can be tempting to challenge yourself with new behaviors that set the bar higher; for example you might push yourself to work on your novel for 45 minutes every morning, instead of a half hour. But just making any change, even if it is a change that is beneficial for achieving your goal, doesn’t make an activity more engaging. “You want to change things up to make it more fun again, not less fun,” Wood says. Thinking hard about what makes something fun for you is vital. 
Focus on changing your behaviors so they bring you intrinsic joy, that sense that you love what you are doing and it is right for you. Université du Québec à Montréal professor Robert Vallerand’s work on harmonious passion finds that when we are engaged in activities that bring us that sense of joy, we tend to work harder and perform better. If you are able to introduce joy into the habits you perform en route to your goal, you may have greater success at reaching it. If your goal has gone stale, take a cue from the hikers and think about how to make it more compelling again. “Focus on changing your behaviors so they bring you intrinsic joy, that sense that you love what you are doing and it is right for you.” For example, say your goal is to eat more healthfully. After deciding to add more vegetables and whole grains to your diet, you’ve gotten into a good routine of cooking healthy dinners for the last few months. Suddenly, you find yourself ignoring your planned recipes and stopping by McDonald’s after work more and more often. Your habit of cooking a healthy dinner has turned on you; it became boring and drove you to McDonald’s. The solution? Sit down and brainstorm new ways to eat vegetables and whole grains that you would find appealing. Do you love going out to restaurants? Plan to go out to dinner twice a week for the next month and order only vegetable dishes. Do you think trying new recipes is fun? Challenge yourself to cook every grain recipe in the Joy of Cooking. Of course, we don’t want to adopt behaviors that will compromise our ability to achieve our goals. “The challenge,” Wood says, “is to figure out how to change things up enough in your head while still keeping up efficiency.” If every vegetable dish you order at restaurants is loaded with cream and cheese, the additional fat you’re adding to your diet might compromise your original goal to eat more healthfully. It is normal to be “over it” at some point as you work toward your goals. When this happens, you can decide to gut it out, or try to liven up the process. Adding fun back into a dull routine is a more successful strategy, especially when you’re further away from the finish line. • Main image: shutterstock/Seksan. TH happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy these benefits: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips and inspiration ■ share knowledge and help support others in our happiness forum ■ learn and self-develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Goal setting | Resilience | Motivation | Success | Courage Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Happiness.com is honoured to republish it with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu