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Ever had the feeling of complete focus and contentment on a work task or hobby? That's called 'flow', and when you find it, cherish it. Because, as Arlo Laibowitz explains, finding that elusive state of flow can lead to great happiness. True happiness and satisfaction in our work, studies, or hobbies. These are things we all strive for, but only a few seem to be able to obtain such contentment. Did you know that there is a state that means to be fulfilled and engaged in these activities? That state is called flow, named by Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi [Mee-high cheek-sent-mee-high]. So, what is 'flow' and how can we obtain it? What is the state of flow? Csikszentmihalyi defines flow as the mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of focus, involvement and enjoyment: “A state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience is so enjoyable that people will continue to do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.” The state of flow is characterised by total absorption in what one does, and the resulting loss in one's sense of space and time: Action and awareness become merged. We have no worry of failure, because we are in control. Our sense of time becomes distorted, because the activity becomes rewarding in itself. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } xx A state of flow leads to great happiness The physiology of flow Physiologically, consciousness, worry and self-reflection all reside in the front part of our brains. When we achieve a state of flow, this front area experiences decreased activity. This increases function in the other areas of our brains, enabling creativity and new ideas to emerge. Indeed, this state is not inhibited by the that more conscious part of our brains, therefore boosting productivity and creativity. • JOIN US! Need support? Sign-up to happiness.com and join a community that cares • Curiously, achieving a state of flow affects other parts of our bodies, too. According to Jyoti Mishra, an attention researcher at San Francisco's University of California, blood flow moves to brain regions that process relevant, rather than random, sounds. This results in us being able to tune out sounds such as ticking clocks, passing cars, etc, when we are fully occupied in our task. “The state of flow is characterised by total absorption in what one does, and the resulting loss in one's sense of space and time.” A state of flow also reduces the perception of pain, so that – according to Csikszentmihalyi – aches and exhaustion "have no chance to register in consciousness.” Furthermore, the concentration involved in flow deepens breathing, increasing oxygen levels and reducing lethargy. Flow: how to achieve it There are people who have developed their flow in such a way that every obstacle becomes an enjoyable challenge. Csikszentmihalyi calls these people 'autotelic'. These are people that are never bored, rarely suffer anxiety, and are constantly involved with what is going on around them. So, how do we become more autotelic ourselves? There are some conditions that have to be met to achieve it: The activity has a clear set of goals and progress. The task must have clear and immediate feedback. We have to pay attention to what is happening in the moment without distractions. We need to learn to enjoy the immediate experience. We have to proportion our skills to the challenge. How do we obtain a state of flow? Flow is a balancing act between anxiety – when the task is too difficult – and boredom – when the task is not difficult enough. That's because when we are in flow, we subconsciously work towards becoming masters. So, to maintain flow, we must seek greater challenges. Go with the flow: challenging hobbies leads to happiness It's an innately positive experience. It produces intense feelings of enjoyment, with long-term benefits to positive effect and happiness. Csikszentmihályi also stated that happiness comes from personal development and growth. Flow states create this development and growth. If you're having trouble finding your flow, take time to think about a time when you were doing something and felt all your worries slide away. It could be something as simple as a relaxing walk in nature, or perhaps a creative activity such as mandala colouring. Try to repeat this experience as often as you can, and challenge yourself to do more elaborate versions of it. RELATED: Ava Marie Doodles – the handmade heroine The more time we spend in flow-state activities, the more our intrinsic motivation and self-directed learning increase. So, challenge yourself with more complicated tasks, improve your skills, and repeat this process continuously, to help boost your happiness and life satisfaction. ● Main image: shutterstock/shurkin_son Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Managing unpleasant symptoms and changing your lifestyle drastically – living with a chronic illness is challenging. But it needn't break you down. James Frew explains how mindfulness and meditation has given him the resilience to thrive while living with a long-term condition... All it took was a fall in the middle of a road to realize something was wrong. It was July 2013 and I'd just returned from a month-long overseas business trip. I was tired, unable to think properly, and was regularly physically sick after eating. But it wasn't until that moment on the road outside the office that I became convinced this wasn't just a severe case of jet lag. The following day, I visited the doctor and so started months of tests, false starts, and inconclusive assessments. It wasn't until January 2014 that I received an official diagnosis of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). All the while, I'd been away from work, barely able to leave the house, with my symptoms worsening. Although there was relief in the diagnosis – finally having a name for the ensemble of seemingly unrelated symptoms – it was much more the beginning than the end. Truthfully, it was the start of living with chronic illness and pain. Learning to live with Dysautonomia A lot of people would say that living with a chronic illness is quite an isolating experience. That's certainly how I felt, especially in the first few years of my condition. The symptoms of POTS, a form of dysautonomia or autonomic dysfunction, vary significantly between individuals and fluctuate on a daily and sometimes even hourly basis. For me, unpredictability was, and still is, one of the most demanding challenges to overcome. When in the middle of an extreme flare-up of symptoms, it's difficult to communicate to others how you're feeling, particularly when suffering from the cloudiness of brain fog. For many years, I couldn't work because of the debilitating cognitive effect this had on me. Some people say it feels like having cotton wool in your brain; you're aware there's something there, but it's hard to find clarity in it. James lives with the chronic condition POTS This isn't uncommon for POTS patients, either. According to Dr. Lesley Kavi, Visiting Professor at Birmingham City University and Trustee and Chair of the charity PoTS UK, the most debilitating symptom of POTS “varies very much from person to person depending on the set of symptoms they have. I read many comments that say the brain fog is the worst, but not everyone says this.” This is typical when discussing chronic illnesses. Like the common cold, some illnesses are short-lived and unpleasant; chronic illnesses, though, don't have a known end-point. Although there's no way to say for sure, I'll probably experience POTS symptoms for the foreseeable future. While some people find their condition naturally resolves, Dr. Kavi notes that many, “especially those with inherited conditions that cause [POTS], can have symptoms long-term.” Living with chronic illness Chronic illnesses are generally defined as long-term conditions with no cure. However, there's no one accepted definition of a chronic illness, so its hard to get an accurate measure of how many people suffer with a long-term condition. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) opts for the term chronic disease, and estimates that six in ten adults have a long-term condition which affects their daily lives. Often, the symptoms are wide-ranging, diverse and unpredictable. As a result, living with chronic illness can sometimes feel like a continual trial. For every positive moment, there are a handful of upsetting, distressing, or frustrating ones. Following the onset of my illness, I found it particularly hard to come to terms with how different my life now was. Even simple things like going out of the house require effort and preparation. “Often, the symptoms are wide-ranging, diverse and unpredictable. As a result, living with chronic illness can sometimes feel like a continual trial. For every positive moment, there are a handful of distressing or frustrating ones.” It's not helped that I tend not to look any different outwardly. The effects of POTS are primarily internal, like a sudden increased heart rate, low blood pressure and digestive issues. This type of condition is usually referred to as an invisible illness, a common trait of many chronic illnesses. As a previously well man in his early 20s when POTS first took hold, most people couldn't see the suffering I was going through. As a result, I was nervous about going out and anxious about how people may interact with me if I need to sit down on a busy bus or train or use an accessible toilet. Most days, I still feel this way. I know I tend to shy away from spontaneity, preferring low-key plans instead. But after so many years living with chronic illness, I've become used to accepting my difference. Meditation to calm anxious thoughts There wasn't an overnight transformation; I didn't wake up one morning comfortable in my skin and ready to take on the world. It was a gradual process over many years, continually chipping away at the biases and thought patterns from before. But I didn't do it alone, either. After reading about a meditation app online, I ignored my misplaced skepticism about the practice and gave it a go. RELATED: Do mindfulness apps work? In the years since, I've spent at least ten minutes a day training my mind to be comfortable with feelings and learning that I am not my thoughts and I'm not defined by my condition. Where I used to spend long periods worrying about what people may think, I've come to accept that these are the musings of an anxious mind concerned about a future that may never happen. This regular practice has also helped me feel connected to others, even while physically alone. James' 'Be more kind' tattoo Although you might never meet them in person, the internet offers a way to connect with other people living with chronic illness around the world. I've spent many hours in the /r/POTS subreddit chatting, learning, and supporting the newly-diagnosed. In fact, the benefits of this type of interaction were confirmed by a 2016 study published in Qualitative Health Research, which found that online communities strengthened relationships, exchanged knowledge, and raised awareness about specific illnesses. Finding ways to manage chronic pain My meditation practice meant that I could focus on the present moment, rather than the future or the past. But is also helped manage the chronic pain caused by POTS in combination with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS), a connective tissue disorder. The pain still exists, of course, but it is my reaction to it that has changed. Chronic pain is a highly challenging condition to live with. My personal experience hasn't been overwhelming, but an underlying current of long-term pain. RELATED: 9 science-backed benefits of meditation However, it can be extremely debilitating for many people suffering from it. As the mechanisms behind this agony aren't yet understood, treatments are variable, and some find them ineffective. Still, there's growing evidence, like the meta-study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine in 2016, that a regular meditation practice can help make living with chronic illness and long-term pain more manageable. Coping with mental health and chronic illness Meditation is just one technique I've come across to ease the difficulty of living with chronic illness. As Dr. Kavi points out, "it can be a challenge to cope with the fluctuations; some people don't need help with [their] mental health, some gain benefit from psychological therapies including CBT [or] mindfulness, and some have medication." Although mindfulness has been the most successful for me, it didn't happen in isolation. Not long after my diagnosis, I was prescribed SSRI-based anti-depressants to help manage my mental health. Alongside this, I took a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) course and followed that up with counseling. “There's growing evidence that a regular meditation practice can help make living with chronic illness and long-term pain more manageable.” Everyone's experience is different, but the key to living with chronic illness is to do what's right for you. These therapies and techniques were effective for me, but they might not be for everyone. You may find it's worth exploring your options with a healthcare professional. Working around your condition In an alternative world, we might be able to spend our days living with chronic illness, managing experiences at our own pace. But in many cases, there's still a financial imperative to work. Alongside this, after a few years of relative monotony, I wanted to have something practical to achieve. But, given the unpredictable, long-term nature of chronic illness, most don't feel able to return to full-time employment in an office or workplace away from home. There are alternatives to explore, though, even if they are less conventional. James is proof you can thrive with a chronic illness Some people turn their hobbies into a part-time business, allowing them to bolster their finances without the pressure of working all the time. This was the approach that led to my return to work. Writing started as a hobby before becoming part-time job, and then, years later, a career. But that's far from the only way to earn while living with chronic illness. If you do feel comfortable returning to an office, it's worth finding an understanding employer to accommodate the adjustments you need. The important thing is to do what you feel comfortable with, and at your own pace. Over the years, my illness has given me a chance to connect with my body in a way I'd never imagined. While the struggle is real, I've come to accept that this is who I am now, and in many ways, I'm better for it. After almost a decade, living with chronic illness is still a work in progress. My experience evolves each day, but so do I. For every setback, I have an opportunity to learn from it. For each day spent recovering from the onset of symptoms, I find comfort knowing that tomorrow may be different. happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Resilience | Acceptance | Courage Written by James Frew James is a freelance writer based in the UK with a focus on consumer technology, mental health, well-being, and sustainability. When not writing, he's usually listening to podcasts, enjoying music, or going for a walk. You can find all his work on Campsite.bio and follow him on Twitter.

Getting the brush-off is often painful. Indeed, accepting and recovering from being turned down can be hard. So, from building up self-confidence to remaining open, Ed Gould offers up three key techniques on how to deal with rejection. How can you deal with rejection when it hurts so much? After being kicked in the teeth, many of us choose to avoid situations that might force us into dealing with the pain and upset being rejected can cause. But is this actually the most constructive way of going about our daily lives? No. Rejection is undoubtedly bound up with negativity and feelings of discord. Now, it's easy to understand why being turned down is frequently viewed in this light, but is that all that rejection means to us? Rejection of something that is itself negative can be a positive thing, right? Furthermore, the proverb 'every cloud has a silver lining' suggests that facing rejection – even when you do not want to – can actually mean new opportunities await on the horizon. It's also important to remember that feeling hurt and dealing with rejection is something that will happen during our lives whether we like it or not. Indeed, understanding this is the first step in learning how to cope with it. So, what do psychologists and other experts in feelings of happiness and well-being have to say on the subject of mastering rejection? Why rejection hurts so much Some people seem to have such thick skin that they think they can deal with rejection like it's water off a duck's back. Think of the jobbing actor who puts their heart and soul into audition after audition only to hear later that they didn't get the part. Do such people simply not feel a sense of hurt when they don't get the role? Of course not. Everybody hurts: we all have to deal with rejection However, they might have developed better coping strategies so they know how to deal with rejection when it comes around. The fact is that the rejection we might feel from being turned down is perfectly natural. It's in no sense 'abnormal' to feel upset about being rejected. So, why does it happen? According to behavioural psychologists from the University of Michigan, rejection can impact on our neural networks in ways that our brains associate with physical pain. In a 2010 study into somatosensory representations, researchers viewed volunteers' brain activity when stimulated with feelings of rejection by using an MRI scanner. “Dealing with rejection is something that will happen whether we like it or not. Understanding this is a first step in learning how to cope with it.” In this particular research programme, the people under observation had suffered from a relationship breakdown. To provoke a response, an image of their former partner appeared before them. What the MRI scan revealed is that the secondary somatosensory cortex and dorsal posterior insula became active. These are the sections of the brain known to associate with feelings of pain. So, if you think that mental anguish caused by rejection and dealing with hurt is all in your mind, then you may need to reassess your position. It seems that scientists can induce pain in their volunteers merely by reminding them of rejection. What's more, this evidence holds true in almost 90 per cent of cases. RELATED: What to Do After a Break-Up – 10 Tips For Recovery In another study, psychologists asked patients to recall a time when they had suffered from social exclusion. One group of patients took the painkiller Tylenol, the other group took a sugar pill. As a result, those who had received the real drug reported having lower levels of mental anguish from remembering their rejection in comparison with those who had not taken the painkiller. It's possible to conclude, therefore, that the drug – developed initially to help deal with physical pain – was having an effect on how the brain coped with non-physical pain. In other words, rejection does not simply impact on our happiness: it creates physical levels of pain and a simple painkiller, used in moderation, can act as emotional first aid. How to deal with rejection: 3 tips As mentioned, medicinal drugs are one way of helping your brain to feel less pain from dealing with hurt sustained from the rejection of social exclusion. However, this is something of a 'sticking plaster' approach, and there are plenty of other ways to achieve mastery of feelings of repudiation. So, what should you be putting into your emotional first-aid kit? Here are three keys ways you can learn how to deal with rejection. 1. Augment your social network Rejection can sometimes lead to you wanting to shut yourself away. This 'licking the wounds' phase is perfectly normal at first, but try to avoid it if possible. It's better to surround yourself with people that you like and trust – friendship can help you to heal. If you have experienced rejection at work, then socialise with friends away from that environment. People who see you in another light will be able to help rebalance your view of yourself. Deal with rejection by socialising shutterstock/Monkey Business Images Or, if you've suffered from a relationship breakdown, then it's a good plan to meet with pals that know you from a time before you got together with your partner. These friends are likely to be less weighed down by the 'emotional baggage' of your split. Making new friends can also be one of the best things you can do to set you on the road to emotional recovery: join a club or group and try something new. RELATED: Understanding the Power of Friendship 2. Build up your self-confidence Reaffirmation of your sense of self-worth is key to overcoming the despondency that can follow rejection. A flood of happiness may not be a realistic expectation at first when you're feeling down. But by doing things to build your self-confidence, this will help you to avoid remaining in that state for too long. You can achieve this by showing compassion to yourself. Indeed, recent studies have demonstrated that self-compassion leads to feelings of improvement and often brings new motivation with it. Be kind to yourself. Draw away from feelings of negativity about yourself. Just because you're dealing with rejection doesn't make you a failure. Far from it! You're learning how to cope with life's knock-backs – just like the actor who works out what to try differently at their next audition. In fact, it's most likely they were doing great; the director was just looking for someone else for the role. Above all, avoid self-criticism because it's usually unwarranted. 3. Remain open and try again It may seem easier said than done when you're first suffering the trauma of rejection. But staying open to the possibility of future success is a key element to have in your emotional first-aid kit. This shift is important because if you spend too much time shut off from the idea of trying again – thereby avoiding the possibility of rejection – you can become bitter. “Reaffirmation of your sense of self-worth is key to overcoming the despondency that can follow rejection.” The German psychiatrist Michael Linden first referred to this phenomenon as post-traumatic embitterment disorder or PTED. He noted that embitterment often leads to feelings of anger. When you face rejection, bear in mind that you probably had little control over why it happened. Try to let go of the feelings of low self-worth you might want to linger on. It doesn't mean that you don't care. Acceptance of the situation is often healthier. Handling hurt: emotional first-aid kits Dealing with rejection and hurt is much more preferable than dwelling on it. It's worth noting that PTED, similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, can lead to negative psychological reactions in the long term. If we don't support ourselves and one another with shared feelings of pain that come about following rejection, then it's reasonable to argue that our society as a whole will suffer. After all, if everyone is carrying around the pain they feel from all these rejections, rather than dealing with the hurt, then few of us would ever take a risk again – and where would that leave us? RELATED: What Is a Situationship? The 6 Signs You're In One In the modern world, the imperative for emotional first aid is, if anything, more important than ever before. In the era of social media, feeling rejected can be in-your-face and operate on a 24-hour basis. Some people may only feel slightly rejected if they don't get a job or because their partner leaves them. For others, similar experiences and emotional situations have a more dramatic effect. For example, having their social media posts ignored. In the digital age, rejection can sometimes be quantified in alarming ways, like the number of 'thumbs up' that a post receives. If you count such things regularly, then perhaps it's time to look into making your own emotional repair kit for how to deal with rejection. ● Main image: shutterstock/fizkes happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum Confidence | Letting go | Trauma Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

Those of us with brothers and sisters are used to having fallouts with them. But at what point does it mean your relationship with your sibling could be toxic? Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explains the signs to watch out for... We, obviously, do not choose the family we are born into. Yet, if anything shapes us and affects who we will be as people, it is precisely our families – including our siblings. They bring a distinctive value to our lives. They also come with unique challenges. Unfortunately, some are so hurtful that they could even be described as toxic siblings. Most of us are raised to believe that having a sibling is a blessing by the norm. And it often is. They ought to provide friendship, support, and a source of care and love for a lifetime. We share memories and family bonds. They are a part of who we are. However, sometimes this simply is not the case. In the same way, as any other relationship could be unhealthy, siblinghood is also a potential source of pain and toxicity in your life. This article will show you how to recognize if your sibling is toxic and how to deal with the fact. Four signs your sibling might be toxic How we relate to our siblings is strikingly less researched compared to relationships between parents and children. Still, their significance is not to be underestimated. Theoretical reviews conclude that those relationships are fairly complex. They impact us on various levels, and a myriad of factors affects their quality, from individual to cultural. Sisterly squabbles: perhaps a sign of a toxic sibling For example, the family’s overall cohesiveness and expressiveness will influence how children behave towards each other. Moreover, the father’s actions and attitudes, as well as the siblings’ temperaments, were found to either contribute to a healthy relationship or produce toxic siblings. In some instances, the combination of factors produces a relationship so dysfunctional that it can be named toxic. Here are some of the features of toxic siblings’ behaviour: 1. Abusive behaviour Toxic siblings are often abusive. Same as in any other relationship, this can range from delicate manipulation, through the shades of psychological abuse, to downright physical aggression. Criticism, looking down on you, bullying, invalidating or gaslighting, and physical intimidation or abuse – all of it happens in toxic sibling relationships. You may be so accustomed to how your sibling has been treating you all of your life that you take it as a given. Nonetheless, it still is abuse – and it is a trait of toxic siblings. 2. Undermining your other relationships Some toxic siblings tend to ruin your relationships. Although those are anecdotal accounts, I am aware of quite a few such cases. Sometimes it is possessiveness or jealousy. Other times, the sibling pair transfers the dynamics with the parents to other relationships. So, the toxic sibling works on becoming the favourite (usually unconsciously). In any case, it is not uncommon that a sibling goes on and wrecks their brother’s or sister’s relationships. Some toxic siblings will actively work to undermine your romance, friendships, or even professional relationships. How do they do it? The means range from getting angry or fussy through various forms of manipulation to direct requests for you to end the other relationship (“…or else…”). They could stir up trouble, be difficult, or demean you in front of your partners, friends, or business associates. 3. Refusing to take responsibility Childhood dynamics between siblings tend to transfer to adulthood. No matter what age you might be, if your sibling was always shifting blame onto you, this pattern probably persisted. Toxic people, in general, do not own up to their actions and the influence they have on others. “Criticism, looking down on you, bullying, invalidating or gaslighting, and physical intimidation or abuse – all of it happens in toxic sibling relationships.” The same goes for toxic siblings. Being unfair or hurtful is one thing. It can even happen unintentionally. Not accepting the responsibility for it is, however, a sign that your sibling has not developed the level of maturity needed for you to have a healthy relationship. 4. Exploiting your relationship Toxic siblings will often take advantage of you. They might exploit you emotionally. For example, they could manipulate you into serving their own psychological needs. They could be counting on your assistance with whatever and whatever. In that way, they are disrespecting your time or other obligations. Finally, they might exploit you financially. In any case, where there is a lack of reciprocity, there is no talking about a healthy relationship. How to deal with a toxic sibling An extensive meta-analysis based on data from nearly 13,000 siblings confirmed the massive impact of sibling relationships. The conclusion was rather simple – more conflicts between siblings equals more mental health problems. Ideally, one would want to mend the relationship and enjoy the benefits of having idyllic siblinghood. Sadly, that is not always possible. RELATED: Why family is important for happiness In the first sentence of this article, it was said that we do not choose our family. However, as adults, we choose our relationships. In other words, you will probably not change your toxic sibling. You will definitely not change the fact that you are related. You cannot alter the past and how they affected you so far. But you can transform the way you relate to them. Here are some ways to deal with toxic siblings. They are aimed at protecting you from further hurt and potentially opening the path towards creating a healthy relationship. 1. Self-compassion and self-care When our sibling is mistreating us, we might feel somewhat forced to put up with it. They are our family, after all. However, if you want to restore your well-being and break free from the cycle of maltreatment, you need to start focusing on yourself. Counteract any form of abuse with self-compassion and self-care. Watch out for any “should”s and “must”s. That is, examine if you feel obliged to meet your toxic sibling’s needs – and then ditch the feeling of coercion. Take care of your needs, and build up your sense of self-worth towards a sovereign Self. 2. Practise compassion The other side of the self-compassion coin is to practise compassion. Not even toxic siblings are necessarily all bad. They might be going through tough times personally or professionally. Even more likely, they might not have learned how to behave in a healthy, mature way. They might perceive the situation entirely differently from yourself. Could you show compassion for a toxic sibling? shutterstock/pixelheadphoto digital skillet There is no excuse for maltreatment (especially abuse), but have you tried to understand them? Or did you also merely continue your childhood dynamics? In Jung’s words: “We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses.” ― C.G. Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul Even if you were repeatedly hurt and betrayed, try to find it in you to forgive them. If nothing else, forgiveness is good for you. A meta-analysis of over 100 studies involving over 26,000 participants from 17 countries confirmed that forgiving results in improved mental (and some aspects of physical) health. That does not imply that you are supposed to let your sibling trample on you. It merely means not holding a grudge and moving on from past hurts. 3. Reach out Sibling relationships are often one of the longest in our lives. If it is an unhealthy bond, we tend to accept it as a chronic problem. Meaning, we rarely seek help for such an issue. Nonetheless, if you want to change the situation, no matter how long it lasts, reach out. “Even if you were repeatedly hurt and betrayed, try to find it in you to forgive a sibling. If nothing else, forgiveness is good for you.” You could talk to a close family member and explain what you have been going through. If this sounds too delicate, consider speaking to a supportive friend. Quality social support is one of the best tools to alleviate the adversities of distress and trauma. Having someone to rely on and talk to makes you resilient to stress, possibly via neurological and endocrine pathways. Last but not least – contact a professional. Seek out a psychotherapist’s assistance in untangling the conscious and unconscious ties and beliefs that keep you bounded within the toxic relationship with your sibling. 4. Learn to be assertive If you find yourself being pushed around by toxic siblings, you probably need to brush up on your assertiveness skills. Family relationships are usually the most challenging for practising assertive communication. We feel too close and too exposed to suddenly become firm in setting our boundaries. We are too accustomed to the ways of our relationship to change how we communicate. Yet, it can be done. Your parents’ and families’ principles should not automatically be your own. When you start reprogramming how you communicate with your sibling, you are also creating a new reality for your relationship to evolve. You are building a new Self that is based on self-respect and healthy boundaries. Assertiveness means to regard both your and theirs obligations and rights. As a result, your toxic siblings will eventually realise that they have no choice but to follow the new (healthier) rules. Let go of the past – and hopes for the future In order to change how you relate with toxic siblings and the past relationship’s aftermath, there is one last thing you need to do. It is to let go of the past, as well as your hopes for the future. Put to rest past hurts, and dismiss any anticipation of what is to come. Abandon both bitterness as well as visions of a happy future. This piece of advice is not about pessimism. On the contrary. It is about a philosophical distance from whatever your expectations might be. Simply put, it is about keeping an open mind (and heart). Why do I recommend this? To neutralise the Pygmalion effect, or the self-fulfilling prophecy. It is particularly strong and difficult to discern in interpersonal relationships. And even more so if we are emotionally invested. So, whatever the course of your relationship might have been thus far, and whatever the future may hold, dismiss anticipation. It will give you the best chance for an optimal outcome. Moving on: with or without toxic siblings Dealing with toxic siblings can be one of the most challenging situations in your life. It is probably chronic, deeply rooted, and highly burdensome to change. However, if there is one message that I would like you to take from this article, it is that one always has a choice. You do not need to spend your entire life tolerating maltreatment. You may choose to mend your relationship and open the doors to a new, healthier siblinghood. You could also decide to end the relationship – forever or for now. You could modify when and how you meet with your toxic sibling. You could decide to let them carry their own load and stop being constantly on call. However, even beyond these practical acts – you always get to choose how you perceive and react to a situation. Whatever happens – you decide whether and to what extent you will allow it to affect you. Main image: shutterstock/Antonio Guillem happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Family activities | Letting go | Abuse Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

October may mark the mid-point between summer and winter, but it remains a good one from the point of view of positive news. This October saw many new stories that were full of hope and happiness: here's Ed Gould's round-up of the ten best... 1. Boost your happiness with a short review of your day The BBC reported in October that a simple exercise to appraise your day can improve your happiness and well being. Its report focused on Sandi Mann, a lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire, who suggested that the habit offers a straightforward psychological boost when completed regularly. She suggests conducting a review of your day in which six questions, including what experiences gave you pleasure, are asked. By focusing on your answers you can gradually shift your mindset, no matter how bleak, to a happier one. 2. New hope for fossil fuel free energy A fuel that's packed with energy just like coal would make a huge difference to electrical energy production – if it didn't release so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and add to global climate change. Incredibly, exactly this could be on the horizon thanks to Spanish company Ingelia. The Valencia-based company has developed an industrial process called hydrothermal carbonisation. Essentially, this means it can make biocarbon named 'biochar', which can be burned with zero emissions. What's more, there should be a plentiful supply of biochar's raw material: it's made from nothing more than sewage, meaning we can all contribute! 3. Toy giant to harness to power of mindfulness You might not put Lego and mindfulness in the same headspace but that may change according to reports in The Daily Telegraph. The Denmark-based toy brand has decided to use a new marketing ploy in which its simple bricks are used to help achieve a sense of inner calm. A spokesperson for the company said that the idea was to highlight the benefits of mindfulness through Lego, since playing with it offered a “challenge that's at once relaxing and creatively stimulating.” The campaign is primarily aimed at young adults rather than Lego's core audience of children: perhaps it's time to break that tub of bricks open! Building blocks of happiness? Lego could help... 4. The era of single-use plastic is coming to an end In more positive news for the environment, the European Union has taken steps to ban the use of plastics which are designed for single use only. Many media outlets reported that MEPs had voted to ban things like plastic cotton buds, knives and forks, drink stirrers and straws. Many such plastic products end up in the ocean and enter the food chain when eaten by fish (which are subsequently caught and consumed by humans). The move is expected to take effect from 2021. 5. French city leads the way in public transport revolution During October, The Guardian reported how the citizens of the coastal city of Dunkirk were taking up public transport in ever greater numbers. Not surprising given that the city's authorities decided to offer all bus services to its community for free. What's newsworthy is the fact that buses have since become places of social interaction, meeting points and even places to get work done: Dunkirk's buses offer complimentary Wi-Fi. Research suggests that as bus use rises, so fewer cars head into the city, freeing it up and generating cleaner air for all: a win-win situation. 6. Could mushrooms treat depression? In America, where the use of substances is regulated by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), permission has been granted into a scientific study into the effects of psilocybin mushrooms. Long known for their psychedelic effect, these fungi may unlock some clues as to how to treat mental health disorders like depression. It took some time for the FDA to come to its final decision, but the path now appears to be clear for researchers to progress with their studies. Mushroom for improvement: fungi could treat depression 7. Cannabis may hold the key to treating Crohn's disease Medical News Today reported a story that should bring some happiness to those with Crohn's disease. A debilitating condition that impacts negatively on the digestion system, people living with Crohn's may soon be able to make use of the properties of cannabis to lessen the severity of symptoms. The medical uses of cannabis are well known, but this Israeli-led research indicates that the drug may soon be widely used to help treat pain caused by the condition. Project lead Timna Naftali, a gastroenterology specialist at Tel Aviv University's Meir Hospital, said it's yet to be determined how a treatment might work but its effects are already there to be seen. 8. Solar farm created on former disaster site Chernobyl may forever be linked with the worrying outcome of a fully-blown nuclear power plant disaster, but it's making power once more. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, the old power plant – which was thought to be completely unusable following its meltdown – has now been converted into a solar energy farm. It still may be too radioactive to live there, but workers can safely set up solar panels which create green electricity. So far, the Ukraine has installed in excess of 3,700 solar panels at the site. 9. UN recognizes Indian state's farming achievement Affording new hope to anyone who believes in the future of an agricultural sector which does not rely on pesticides and antibiotics, the Indian state of Sikkim has officially become 100 per cent organic. Over 60,000 farms have adopted the practice, which, according to Reuters, has boosted tourism in the state, as well as setting an example of what can be achieved with a collective effort. The Food and Agriculture Organization of the UN recognized the achievement by awarding Sikkim with its most prestigious prize. Congratulations! Indian farmer with eggplants © Hari Mahidhar/shutterstock.com 10. Police beat stress with mindfulness techniques Few jobs can be as stressful as working for the police. In response to the needs of officers, the United Kingdom's College of Policing has developed a 'Mindfit Cop' programme to teach officers how to use methods derived from Buddhist meditation to help face up to their work difficulties and anxieties. The eight-week course has already been taken up by officers from South Wales, Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire, Somerset and Avon. It's hoped the course will see fewer cases of burnout within the service, so that officer retention rates are improved. ● Do you think Lego could help you be more mindful? Have you ever tried an end-of-day appraisal? Share your thoughts on October's positive news stories with the community below... Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and freelance writer. He's also a practitioner of Reiki.

Originating at Burning Man, the Life Cube travels the globe, encouraging goal setting, creativity and helping to bring communities together. Arlo Laibowitz captures the magic of this powerful art project in a brand new film. Why would a participatory art project that was first made at Burning Man be interesting and transformative to a city's community? What role does goal setting, experiencing flow, and being playful have in that? And how does a project like this help nurture and increase the participants’ happiness, by connecting and creating community? I tried to answer all of these questions, and more, in the documentary film Rainbow of Chaos, that I made about The Life Cube in Las Vegas. From Burning Man to Las Vegas I met Scott Cohen at Burning Man some years ago. Burning Man is an annual arts and music festival, that takes place in the Black Rock desert of Nevada, United States. It's a temporary city of 70,000 people which exists for just one week a year. Burning Man is an experiment in community and art, guided by principles that include self-reliance and self-expression, gifting, leaving no trace, and decommodification. No money is exchanged at the event, and participants bring everything that they need to survive in the desert and want to gift to others. The event is considered simultaneously as one of the world’s biggest parties, and one of the world’s largest interactive, participatory art gatherings. The ‘playa’ is filled with interactive sculptures and structures, some of which are burned during the week of the event. Cohen's positive experience with creating life goal lists had made him convinced that he needed to gift his art project, The Life Cube, to the Burning Man community. A 'mailbox' that invited participants to write down their goals, dreams, wishes, and aspirations, and place it in within the art installation. During the burning of it, these messages would be sent up to the universe, to manifest them. RELATED: 8 manifestation techniques In later versions, Cohen had expanded this idea, by adding the opportunity for participants to paint, draw and write on the installation. Furthermore, he invited hosts and musicians to use the space as a place to come and do yoga sessions, workshops and performances. The Life Cube has become a community project, carried by so-called ‘Cube-ists’. People that have seen the power of the installation changing their life, and the life of others. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } The Life Cube is the subject of Rainbow of Chaos After three Life Cubes at Burning Man, Cohen now had a new goal: taking his experience from Burning Man to cities around the world. The first non-Burning Man version of the Life Cube happened in Las Vegas in 2014, an event that lasted weeks , culminating in a city burn of the installation. I wasn't there then but came to document the second version, in 2016, that lasted for a month. What I encountered was an installation that aimed, and succeeded, in providing a few distinct things: the power of goal-setting, the joy of creativity, flow and playfulness, connecting and creating a community. What do these things have in common? They are all considered instrumental in creating and maintaining individual happiness levels. Let's take a look at how exactly the Life Cube promotes these three different spheres. 1) The Life Cube: goal setting The genesis of the Life Cube art installation is Cohen's conviction that writing down your goals, dreams, wishes and aspirations increases the chance of them happening. Cohen has experienced this first-hand throughout his life and has seen this power working for others as well. Indeed, goal setting has been identified in studies as a major component in our sense of happiness. Cohen is described by others as a force of nature, someone who moves mountains. That attitude is infectious. He invites people to write down their goals, dreams, wishes and aspirations on so-called ‘wish sticks': postcards that can be dropped into slots in the installation. “The Life Cube has become a community project, carried by so-called ‘Cube-ists’. People that have seen the power of the installation changing their life, and the life of others.” Cohen's philosophy behind this is simple but effective. By writing down your goals and dreams, you start a process of envisioning them, considering how to pursue them, breaking them down into the steps that are necessary, and then actively pursuing them. Indeed, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, setting goals is an effective strategy of raising our happiness, and works best with goals that are intrinsic, authentic, harmonious, flexible and active. In an interview segment that only partially made the final cut of my documentary, I extensively asked Cohen about how this goal setting could be misunderstood for the Law of Attraction and other pseudoscientific ideas. He emphasized that setting goals and writing them down starts a process that one works through, much along the lines of scientifically-backed goal setting: setting goals and intentions in writing them down helps envision their outcome and process, creates ownership and identifies blockers and creates accountability for these goals. Life Cube creator Scott Cohen with participating kids When hearing stories at the Life Cube about how the installation had changed the lives of people involved, from small things like someone finally deciding to propose and marry their partner or having a short-term goal to be more friendly and compassionate to others, to bigger things like artists being able to further pursue their career professionally, or people making radical life changes for the positive, it was clear that the Life Cube succeeded in installing more happiness in people through goal setting activities. 2) Becoming child: creativity, flow and playfulness Alongside goal setting, another big part of the happiness-inducing qualities of the Life Cube lie in what I've dubbed in the documentary “becoming child”. The Life Cube invites participants to be creative themselves, by painting on the installation, participating in interactive workshops, and by either enjoying music performances or participating in them yourself. The effect of creativity on our happiness and well-being is a subject that has been extensively studied. Creativity helps us be happier because it enables us to express and process emotions; it activates the reward regions of our brain, and it helps us focus and enjoy the moment, also known as creating flow. Apart from this, something I heard a lot at the Life Cube is that creativity helps us reconnect with our inner child and be more playful. In fact, playfulness as a way to nurture our happiness is an idea that has been proposed by Bernard de Koven, and is backed by research that shows a clear correlation between playfulness and our sense of happiness. The Cube creates an environment for people to be creative, to experience flow, and do all of that in a playful way, that instils happiness. RELATED: What playfulness can do for your relationship 3) A happy Rainbow of Chaos: community Possibly the biggest mission of the Life Cube is to connect the community through art. The effect of community on our level of happiness has been documented in different studies, showing that there are long-term positive effects of community, in strengthening our relationships, that lead to longer and happier lives. Cohen has expanded and grown the community of Cube-ists, which take ownership of different parts of the project and make his vision of a “rainbow of chaos” come true. This community is made up of different layers or smaller communities. First of all, there is the inner core of Cube-ists, which together with Cohen build and create the installation. Secondly, there are local event organisers, artists, musicians, yoga teachers and workshop hosts, that join in having a level of ownership of the space, and create part of the ‘permanent' artwork on the Cube, and its peripheral events. “By writing down your goals and dreams, you start a process of envisioning them, how to pursue them, breaking them down into the steps that are necessary, and you start actively pursuing them.” Thirdly, there's the local community of Burners [active participants that regularly go to Burning Man and satellite events], that was involved in the overall event, and especially the burn of the installation. Fourthly, there are the local residents and incidental passers-by, that became enthusiastic after visiting the installation once, and got actively involved in maintaining it, keeping it safe, and helping out with chores. Fiinally, there is the community of schools, which Cohen involved by going to talk to thousands of children and gifting these schools ‘satellite cubes’ that children could paint and put their wish sticks in. Up in flames: the burning of wishes helps manifests them Studies show that community strengthens relationships and has a positive emotional result, especially in shared novel experiences and sharing positive events. The Life Cube exemplifies this, in its creation of community around this ‘novel’ experience and positive event. For example, most American inner cities are not the most friendly or positive environments. There are, also in Las Vegas, problems with crime, drug use, homelessness and the overall rundown state that these downtown areas are in. The site of the Life Cube was like an oasis of community amid all these problems. A homeless man would volunteer in keeping the installation clean, while a local artist was painting a mural, and the inner core of Cube-ists would do maintenance and prepare structural elements and lighting. “Studies show that community strengthens relationships and has a positive emotional result, especially in shared novel experiences and sharing positive events.” Meanwhile, a group of school children would visit the Life Cube for a quick session of painting and an inspirational talk by Cohen. Afterwards, some local volunteers would start prepping a musical performance, while another local volunteer was hosting a yoga session. Simultaneously, “Burners” would gather for a fire safety meeting in preparation of the burn. Throughout the day local residents would visit, experience the installation, paint, and write their wish sticks. People from these different communities would interact, where normally they would not: just this interacting in itself created an overall connectedness and happiness at the Life Cube. The Life Cube is a creative hub for community The Life Cube: changing the world? In the documentary, Cohen is not modest about his goals: he clearly wants to change the world, by bringing Life Cubes to different cities and countries, spreading the effects of goal setting, creativity and community. It’s an ambitious goal and statement, but when looking at the magic that was created in Las Vegas, I also believe it's totally achievable. As Flash Hopkins, one of the founders of Burning Man and ally of Cohen in the project says in the documentary: “If he can change one person, then he has already done it.” I would argue that Cohen has indeed changed many lives, both at Burning Man and in Las Vegas. I invite you to watch the full documentary, Rainbow of Chaos, and find out for yourself. Art and community can make us happier. ● All images: © Arlo Laibowitz happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practice, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Community living | Work life balance | Altruism Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Having lots of sex doesn't always mean it's fulfilling or lead to happiness. Indeed, as Sienna St-Cyr argues, factors such as the quality of sex and couple compatibility are far more important when it comes to achieving a happy sex life. If you've ever been told that lots of sex will lead to happiness, you might have heard correctly! There are many factors that go into that statement, however. Frequency of sex is just one factor to be considered. Couple compatibility, quality, and type of sex are also important. So, the link between sex and being happy seems to be there, but it also appears to be more complex. After reading an article on the frequency of sex and whether couples are having enough of it on Greater Good, I began thinking a great deal about the subject and whether or not it’s sex itself or something that goes along with the sex that leads to happier people. This led me to a few concepts to examine in detail when discussing the link between fulfillment, sex, and being happy. 1. Frequency of sex While the article on Greater Good points out that for many folks having a lot of sex makes them happier, it also states that this isn't the case for everyone. In fact, frequency without other important factors incorporated may actually make people unhappy. I was once with a partner that wanted sex daily. I, however, didn't. For one, it wasn't satisfying for me. This partner rarely put the time in to make it enjoyable, and he usually focused on his release over mine. This caused a depression in me. RELATED: Why I'll never ignore my sexual needs in a relationship again Brian Joseph Gillespie of the Department of Sociology at Sonoma State University carried out a study in 2016 where he found that couples taking part in frequent sex were only more satisfied if the sex was also of high quality. So, frequency is only a part of the equation when it comes to having a happy sex life. Frequent sex doesn't equal great sex (or make you happy) 2. Couple compatibility This brings me to sexual happiness and compatibility. That ex and I simply weren't compatible. He wanted quick sex and often and I wanted less sex with more build up. When I met my husband, he loved foreplay. He enjoyed putting the energy into turning me on. This shows that we were far more compatible because this energy was what I needed. I went from rarely reaching orgasm to sometimes having more than one in a sexual escapade. According to the Indian Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism, reaching orgasm releases oxytocin, which is also known as one of the happiness hormones. The article on 'The Orgasmic History of Oxytocin' covers several areas of sexuality and the release of oxytocin. So, all the extra energy my husband put into me and all the additional orgasms led to more of this happiness hormone being released into my body. “The sexual connection I have with my partner leads to far more happiness if it's a positive one. Desiring the same things as a couple leads to positivity.” This sexual connection I have with my partner leads to far more happiness if it's a positive one. Desiring the same things as a couple leads to positivity. Putting the kids to bed together and reading them a story five nights a week, while only have sex twice a week, may, in fact, make for more satisfying sex. RELATED: What is Omnisexuality? Understanding and Debunking Myths However, other couples may prefer sex seven days a week. Finding that partner we’re most compatible with is essential for achieving a happy sex life, even if the actual frequency of sex is less than before. Healthy connections and finding a compatible partner means we must be mindful of our needs and desires. 3. Quality of sex As mentioned above, having sex twice a week may be perfect for some partners. The biggest thing I've found out for myself, though, is that's it's the quality of sex rather than the frequency that matters. Is it sex I like? I can have sex for an hour, but ten-minute, super intense, sex is far more powerful for me. Because I enjoy the latter more, it means a deeper level and quality of sex. Longer, softer sex is still good, but not as strong for me. RELATED: What work can teach us about improving our relationships As Brian Joseph Gillespie also mentions in his April 2016 study, couples that had far less sex but felt they had quality sex were more satisfied with their sex lives. Sp, satisfaction contributes to a happy sex life too, as well as your overall happiness levels. It's a match: couple compatibility is one factor of a happy sex life This isn’t so clear, though, when it comes to other studies. The Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization also carried out research. It found that when they asked participants to have more sex, their fulfillment actually decreased! What I found interesting about this study is that it didn’t include crossovers as Brian’s did. So the folks taking part may or may not have desired that frequency, and that can lead to poor and ‘rushed’ quality. 4. Type of sex I'm convinced that the more we're self-aware and mindful of our needs around sex and happiness, the happier we will be. It can be related to oxytocin release or happiness with our partner(s). Or, it might be that when we honour our needs, we will be more satisfied because we’ll be seeking out the relationships and sexual encounters that make us feel good inside. RELATED: Altruism is sexy and leads to more sex One of the things that drives me batty as a sexuality educator is that so many people feel they need to have intercourse for it to be ‘sex’. I believe that this is not true. That's because there's oral sex, anal sex, masturbatory sex, and even tantric sex. Some may get just as much satisfaction from cuddling as others do a three-hour long missionary sex session. Cuddling releases oxytocin too. So, for asexual folks, this is likely to be far more satisfying than full intercourse. Conclusion: lots of sex doesn't equal happy sex What all of this research and my personal experience has taught me is that the topic of sexual activity and happiness is complex. What I find this all boils down to is that we have to be mindful of our desires and needs. Then we need to honour those desires and needs to be happy. There's no doubt in my mind that when I've walked away from a very satisfying sexual encounter, I'm giggly and flying high. This elevated mood can even last for days! Interestingly, some of the encounters that brought on this feeling have been quite short. And sometimes they vary in frequency as well. But they are still – by far – the most satisfying and happy-making for me. Other times I've had a lot of sex and often, but I didn't get that same high from it: I didn't giggle or walk away with a feeling of euphoria. Ride of your life: quality rules when it comes to happy sex But the most important factor from the list for me is the quality of sex I'm having. All of this connects because all of this involves being tuned into who we are. It’s the self-awareness and mindfulness that leads to us finding compatible partners with similar sexual desires, with the ability to turn mediocre into outstandingly – quality-filled – sexual encounters. If you’re interested in upping your happiness through increased sexual encounters – and I guess you are as you are reading this article (!), I’d suggest keeping these things to the front of your mind: Find a partner compatible with your life goals Talk about sex and sexuality, compare your desires Remember that quantity is not the same as quality Honour both people’s needs with compassion In essence, this is simple. Pay attention and honour one another. If you find your partner isn't ready to meet your needs or if you find you’re not willing to meet theirs and you are both profoundly unable to compromise, maybe letting go of that connection and being open to someone more compatible with your needs is the healthier way to go. “There's no doubt in my mind that when I've walked away from a very satisfying sexual encounter, I'm giggly and flying high. The elevated mood can last me days.” I was often taught that couples that love each other stay together until death. But I have never really bought into this belief. If I can’t make my partner happy, then I will love him enough to let him go so he can find happiness elsewhere. I'm sure the ex that hated foreplay and loved frequent sex has found his special someone that desires those same things. If we’d stayed together, we wouldn't have been happy. And that wouldn't have been due to lack of sex: we were having plenty of that, after all! So, in conclusion, honour your needs, talk about your desires, and listen to your partner when they tell you about their needs and desires. Then, act. For me, this has been the fastest way to a happy and fulfilled sex life. ● Main image: colourbox.com Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more.

Most worrying doesn't solve anything and only leads to anxiety. From 'mind cleaning' to 'worrying by appointment', Dee Marques explains five key strategies that will help you stop worrying about the future and keep you in the present. If there’s one thing that’s common to all human beings, it's our intense desire to find happiness. And although the journey to happiness is paved with different types of obstacles, there’s something that often gets in our way: worry. According to this infographic, a staggering amount of people (two out of every five – 40 per cent) describe themselves as “worriers”. Furthermore, many of them admit they don’t know how to stop worrying about the future. Worrying per se is not harmful. From an evolutionary perspective, humans have developed the ability to worry for a reason, possibly as a defence mechanism that became essential for survival. In other words, we learned to worry so we could avoid dangerous or threatening situations. Indeed, a certain degree of worry about what the future holds can help us come up with action plans to improve the quality of our lives. But, as with everything else, there's a place and a time for everything, and extremes are unhealthy. If you have a tendency to worry, you’ll benefit from knowing how it could be affecting your well-being, and which techniques will help you stop worrying about the future. Why worrying about the future is unhealthy Constant worry can easily lead to anxiety, which, in turn, can lead to mental illness. Anxiety disorders are among the most common mental health issues at a global level, with almost 300 million people affected every year. The fact that they are so common tells us it’s easy to let worry snowball into something chronic that takes over your perceptions, thoughts, and actions. Why worry? If it's making you anxious, it's time to break the habit Excessive worries are bad for your mental health, but this habit can also affect your physical health. Worrying is not enjoyable and you feel anxious while these thoughts remain. Anxiety is proven to have a negative impact on health, causing a range of conditions from headaches to respiratory and heart disease and digestive disorders. It can also interfere with your cognitive skills: a recent study found that constant anxiety causes a spike in a protein linked to Alzheimer’s disease. Then there’s the social aspect of excessive worrying about the future, as it can have a negative impact on your relationships and stop you from enjoying bonds with family and friends. And as famous watchmaker Corrie ten Boom once said, “worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength”. You know it’s time to learn how to stop worrying about the future if this habit interferes with your well-being and cripples your decision-making ability. Worrying about the future: how to stop it The negative effects of this destructive habit are wide-ranging and underline the importance of learning how to stop worrying about the future. Here are four practical techniques you can develop to get yourself out of the worry trap and focus on the here and now. 1. Prevention The first step is identifying the triggers and cultivating awareness about your own thoughts and mental processes. It's impossible to learn how to stop worrying about the future if you don't know what triggers the worrying cycle. Think about which limiting beliefs are causing you to worry. For example, thoughts such as worrying because you don’t want to be caught off-guard, to prevent disappointment, or because it’s a way of showing that you care. These ideas have a positive intention, but they’re still limiting instead of enabling. 2. Dealing with worry Another thing you should know is that you can step out of the negative cycle so these thoughts don’t dominate your thinking process. Ask yourself the following three things: Whether the worrying thought is true. Worries that involve the future deal with events that haven’t happened yet, so it’s impossible to decide if they're true or not. Moreover, some studies show that 85 per cent of what we worry about either doesn’t happen or is not as bad as we imagined. In some cases, the worrying thoughts are true. For example, maybe you’ve been made redundant and now constantly worry about what your future will look like without a job. It’s important to understand that some things are unavoidable and there’s nothing we can do, which doesn’t mean we are failures. We can’t possibly prepare for everything that’s in store, but we can prepare to be stronger and handle the situation productively. “You know it’s time to learn how to stop worrying about the future if this habit interferes with your well-being and cripples your decision-making ability.” Ask yourself how important is the worrying thought and grade it on a scale on one to ten. If it’s below five, it’s not really important, so move onto the next step. If it’s above five, move onto next step all the same. Now ask yourself, “Is the thought helpful?”. If it’s not (almost certainly!), you can train yourself to observe unhelpful thoughts from the outside without letting them take over. If you learn to be an observer of your thoughts instead of a 'sufferer', you’ll become less sensitive to negative emotions. Establishing a mindfulness practice is one of the most effective things you can do to achieve this and learn how to stop worrying about the future. 3. Mind cleaning Excessive worry about future events creates 'noise' that can be countered with mind-cleaning techniques. There’s a good selection of things to try here, but let’s draw attention to an easy one to get you started into the habit of cleaning your mind intentionally. It’s called Blue Sky Visualization, and these are the steps to follow: Find a quiet space and make yourself comfortable. Visualize a dark and gloomy sky, peppered with thunderstorm clouds. If you worry excessively, you’ll be familiar with that feeling as negative thoughts cloud your mind. Notice how even in the gloomiest of skies, the darkness isn’t uniform: there’ll be spaces where the clouds are not as dense, or small clearings in the sky. Focus your attention on those. Visualize sun rays peeking through, eventually growing more intense, and tune up the intensity of the scene (e.g. brighter yellow sun rays, brighter white clouds, and eventually a brighter blue sky). Allow yourself to revel in the new environment. 4. Take care of yourself Establishing a self-care routine can help you become stronger and less vulnerable to excessive worry. Moreover, it’ll help you focus on the present and on taking small and positive steps each day. What you eat and drink matters for both physical and emotional well-being, so it would be a good idea to cut down on sugar, caffeine, and processed foods, and replace them with nourishing and wholesome alternatives. “Some studies show that 85 per cent of what we worry about either doesn’t happen or is not as bad as we imagined.” Exercise is also important. You don’t have to go overboard here, simply be consistent. You may also want to try progressive muscle relaxation to raise awareness about which parts of your body are under stress when you worry. The idea is to slowly tighten and relax the body muscles, one at the time, from forehead to feet. Don’t forget to indulge in the feeling of relaxation! Finally, be consistent with your sleep and waking routine, and avoid staying up until late, which may lead to negative thinking. RELATED: Good Mood Food 5. Worry 'by appointment' only When we talk about how to stop worrying about the future, we know it’s hard to break the habit right away. However, you can start by consciously limiting the time you devote to worry and doubt. What if you only gave yourself five minutes a day to worry? Set an alarm (making sure it’s not before bed time!) and give yourself a specific time to go over the things that worry you. Refuse to engage in worrying at any other times, and instead carry a notepad where you write your worries down to examine them later under a more rational lens, for example, by asking the questions described in point two above. The time is now: limit worry time © shutterstock/Look Studio The benefits of worrying less Trying to break a habit takes time and effort, but once you learn how to stop worrying about the future, you'll begin to see the great benefits it holds. Once you start focusing on the things you can act upon, you’re more likely to feel positive and motivated instead of letting uncertainty or your circumstances overwhelm you. A positive mindset can also strengthen your health and immune system by reducing stress levels. Concentrating on how to get more enjoyment out of the present will build appreciation for the simple pleasures in life. In addition, you’ll be able to focus on developing quality relationships that contribute to your happiness. More importantly, you’ll build the skills needed to control negative thoughts, and that’s something you should be proud of! As hard as it may seem now, you should know that it is possible to learn how to stop worrying about the future. The habit didn’t take hold overnight, so breaking it and learning to take control over it will require conscious practice. Train your mind and make a deliberate effort following the suggestions in this article, until your mind becomes stronger than your worrying habit. ● Main image: shutterstock/pathdoc happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ sharing and supporting others in our happiness forum ■ developing with free online classes in our Academy Resilience | Authenticity | Courage Written by Dee Marques A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.

Confidence is a powerful quality that sometimes slips away from us. But you can rebuild and strengthen it confidence with meditation. Ann Vrlak offers up a meditative practice that you can incorporate into your daily life to build resolution, courage and faith in yourself. Confidence is a quality that pretty much everyone admires and most of us would like to have just a bit more of. It’s a powerful quality that we all define a little differently based on our values and personal history. I’ll talk later about how knowing your definition can help you be more confident. Here are a few of my ideas about what confidence is and why it’s such a great quality to nurture. When you’re confident, you have a simple, unshakeable trust in yourself. You know who you are, what your talents and gifts are, as well as the places you may still want to grow. You know you can handle whatever comes your way, either the expected or the unexpected. You’re not even troubled by what others might think of you because you know yourself. It’s not as if you feel invincible or nothing can hurt you. But you have learned through experience that you’ve made it through challenging situations – some big ones and lots of everyday ones. You know how to problem solve, handle a difficult emotion, resolve a conflict with someone close to you, or take time for healing. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it? What can you do when you’re confident? First of all, real confidence doesn't mean having a big ego. When you have real confidence, you don’t need to prove anything to yourself or to anyone else. Build confidence through meditation practice shutterstock/Krakenimages.com When you’re confident, other people can feel it. They may not even know why they like you and feel calm around you. You’ll feel like a stable rock in a river: solid and present while events happen all around you. Maybe you already know someone like that. Furthermore, you’re more open and perceptive. You’re not spending energy on self-doubt or wondering what other people might think of you. You’re paying attention to what’s happening and how to respond in a genuine, clear and caring way. What builds confidence? So, how do you build or strengthen your confidence? It happens in two ways: Through responding skillfully to internal and external experiences of different kinds By finding a place of strength at the centre of your being You learn how to respond to the internal experiences we all have: thoughts, physical pain, worries, emotions, stress. And you learn to do the same with external experiences: conflicts with others, financial pressures, challenges at school. How do you learn this? Through practise. You watch for ways to practise confidence: over and over in day-to-day life and through practising meditation for confidence. “Real confidence doesn't mean having a big ego. When you have real confidence, you don’t need to prove anything to yourself or to anyone else.” I’m going to show you a specific meditation for confidence practice. However, any traditional meditation practice can build your confidence: by teaching you, step by step, to meet every inner and outer experience with kindness and curiosity and, in doing this, discovering an unshakeable centre inside you. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt As you practise these skills, on the quiet of your meditation seat, you’ll automatically see how your confidence with external events changes. You’ll gradually shift from tensing or withdrawing from discomfort, to being more open and curious – and confident. Meditation increases curiosity and confidence shutterstock/New Africa It’s helpful to know that meditation is a life practice that, at first, goes against the grain. When something feels uncomfortable, inside or outside of us, we’re biologically wired to get away from it. It’s a smart and functional survival tool! Most of us have developed a whole range of ways to “get away,” by binge watching media, eating, drinking and other distractions. You might feel temporarily better because you avoided the discomfort. But, you haven’t learned how to handle it any better the next time. And, not only that, you reinforce the belief that you can’t handle it and your confidence takes a dive. Meditation for confidence practice Would you like to try a meditation for confidence practice? Most people find this one really enjoyable, myself included! It’s based on creating a strong visualization of yourself in a confident state. It has three steps. Step 1 Explore and define what confidence means to you. Why? Because confidence probably means something quite different to you than it does to me. And knowing what the confident you looks and feels like will be a guiding star to finding that confidence. Sit or lie down comfortably and close your eyes. Take a minute to breathe and relax. Think about the word confidence and what it means for you. Do you see pictures, images or scenes? Spend a few minutes, enriching this picture and the feeling of confidence. What do you see and hear and feel? What are you doing? Are other people there with you? Who are they? What’s happening? Enjoy and amplify this feeling of confidence for as long as you like. When you’re done, you can journal about your experience for a moment. Jot down what feels most important and meaningful to you about your desire to be confident. What would it enable you to do and be? Step 2 Link these empowering images and feelings to a physical anchor. Choose a part of your body, like an ear lobe or an elbow, that you don’t usually touch in your daily activities. This will be your anchor for the practice. Bring your confidence image to mind and, when it’s at its most vivid peak, touch your chosen anchor. Keep your finger on your anchor, until the image begins to fade. When it does, remove your finger, and reconnect with your picture of confidence. When it feels strong once again, place your finger back on your anchor. Do this for a few rounds. To finish, let go of the images, and relax for a few breaths. Touch your anchor one last time to invoke the feeling of confidence. If you feel confident, wonderful, and if not, don’t worry. Take one more breath to allow it to emerge on its own, don’t chase it. The strength of your anchor will build over time. Feel more confident with this meditation practice Step 3 Use your anchor in a meditation for confidence. Here’s how to do this. Get comfortable again in a seated posture this time. Close your eyes and relax your body. Bring to mind a situation, in the past or future, that makes you feel less confident than you would like. Choose something that triggers some uncertainty or insecurity. Don’t choose anything too serious, maybe a presentation you need to make at work tomorrow or a disagreement last week with your partner where you didn’t speak up for yourself. See and feel the situation for a moment. Then touch your finger to your anchor. Do you feel a bit of confidence infusing the picture? Again, don’t force it. See if you can relax a little and allow some of the confidence to mix with your uncomfortable situation. Release the pressure on your anchor. It’s helpful to do a few repetitions in one session. Imagine the challenging situation, touch your anchor, allow the situation and the confidence to come into contact for as long as feels right, and then release your touch. Take a few breaths and start again. Now you know a complete meditation for confidence practice. You’ll notice it isn’t about convincing yourself you should be confident or criticizing any feelings of insecurity you might have. Instead, you’re creating and embodying a genuine sense of confidence that is much more powerful than any idea. “A confidence meditation practice holds a profound lesson that we can all benefit from: you don't need to make difficult experiences go away to feel better.” Once you’ve strengthened the connection with your anchor, you can use it in any type of meditation practice, like watching your breath or doing a body scan. Whenever you feel something uncomfortable or unpleasant, use your anchor. Stay in meditation, touch your anchor and connect with your felt experience of confidence. RELATED: Visualization meditation – how to practise it A confidence meditation practice holds a profound lesson that we can all benefit from: you don’t need to make difficult experiences go away to feel better – and you also don’t need to go away from them through distraction or unhealthy habits. Just add confidence to your experience. Feel your own strength and resourcefulness, and you may be surprised at how much better you feel. It’s like filling a glass: it can be filled with worries and insecurity or it can be filled with confidence. As you connect with and nurture your sense of resourcefulness and strength, your glass will be filled and worries just won’t have anywhere to go. I recommend doing this kind of practice whenever you can. I think you’ll enjoy it. • Main image: shutterstock/mimagephotography happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ learn with free online classes in our happiness Academy Written by Ann Vrlak Ann Vrlak is Founder of OneSelf Meditation and a meditation practitioner for over 25 years. She’s a Certified Meditation Teacher for adults and for children (the best job ever!). She loves to share how the perspective and practice of meditation can support people with their everyday stresses and on their journey of self-discovery.

There have been many feel-good health and environmental stories this past month, but you may have missed reading about them in the mainstream press. Ed Gould rounds up his Top Ten positive news stories from the past month to uplift and inspire. February tends to be one of the gloomiest months in the calendar where, in the Northern hemisphere at least, it's usually dark, cold and wet. And with the mainstream news still full of Coronavirus updates, we all need some positive news to brighten our day. Here are our Top 10 uplifting feel-good stories from February. Feel-good news from February: our Top 10 picks 1. Bio-ink used for the first time to 3D print bones Over the past decade, the new technology of 3D printing artificial implants for patients has started to be more widely used. However, Physics World reported in February that a new calcium-rich bio-ink was being used for the first time to make bones that could then be used by surgeons. Portuguese researchers have made what they call a nanocomposite bio-ink which can be 3D printed with the sort of bioactive materials found in real bone structures. It’s hoped that this pioneering new technique will eventually support a range of bone-related treatments. 2. Spanish city makes electricity from unused oranges Seville oranges may be known the world over for being particularly tasty, but the city authorities int he Spanish city have been using them for a purpose other than as a food source. As reported in the Guardian, leftover oranges have been allowed to ferment and create a type of citric acid that, in turn, has derived methane. In a pilot scheme, this gas has subsequently been used to generate electrical power. Some 35 tonnes of oranges were used to generate a clean form of electricity to run one of the city’s water purification plants and now the project may be upscaled to produce more green, orange power! Seville oranges have a new purpose shutterstock/Aranami 3. Coffee-based housing developed in Colombia And now to other food-recycling news. Colombia may be known as one of the world's great coffee producers but ecological engineers in the country have come up with a new use for the crop. Other than drinking it, they’ve developed a low-cost housing solution for many of the poorest people in the country. The coffee husks used to form the walls and roofs of the buildings would normally be seen as a waste product. According to EcoWatch, the start-up firm behind the idea, it has made prefabricated sections of housing which people should be able to put together easily themselves. 4. New German plastic may help to end wastage A newly-developed plastic derived from plant material has been created by a research team at the University of Konstanz in Germany. The material is a type of polyethylene, the most commonly used plastic around the world that’s found in so much packaging. According to Anthropocene magazine, the new plastic is made from land-grown vegetation and micro-oils derived from algae. What marks the material out – other than it not being derived from fossil fuels – is that it can be recycled with a near-perfect efficacy rate. Indeed, the recycling method needs relatively low temperatures, too, something that makes it more energy-efficient than similar processes currently in operation. 5. Mindfulness shown to help combat social isolation, study finds A team at the University of Cambridge’s School of Medicine, led by Dr Christopher Williams, has found that mindfulness and laughter can help to protect people from the ill-effects of loneliness. Social isolation has long been a problem in some quarters of the UK but it has got worse due to the lockdowns that have been imposed in the country. This is why Williams began to look into the issue. His research showed that mindfulness-meditation along with the use of certain technologies, such as robotic pets, could help people to overcome the worst effects of loneliness. According to the academics involved, a combination of educational and psychological interventions appear to be best in this regard. RELATED: Mindfulness vs meditation – understanding the difference 6. Endangered mammal cloned to help ensure its survival A rare species of ferret native to North America has been cloned in an effort to help build up its population numbers in the wild. The cloning took place in late 2020 and used the cells of a black-footed ferret that was cryogenically preserved in the late 1980s. The newly created ferret – named Elizabeth Ann – first went on show in February 2021 once it had started to show normal signs of development. The US Fish and Wildlife Service was involved with the project which will help to boost survival chances of the black-footed ferret. Currently, they only number around 300 in special reserve sites. The black-footed ferret shutterstock/Kerry Hargrove 7. Green tea found to help prevent cancer According to i-News, green tea can help to fight cancer and also prevent it from occurring in the first place. The report into the beverage was focussed on the ingredient epigallocatechin gallate (EGCG), found in the leaves of green tea. Incredibly, researchers at the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York discovered that this anti-oxidant helps to prevent the mutations associated with over half of all human cancers. EGCG works by increasing levels of p53, a natural anti-cancer protein found in the body. It’s hoped it can be harnessed to develop new cancer treatments in the future. RELATED: Best teas for bloating 8. Yoga helps to treat migraine headaches, clinical trial finds According to a recently conducted clinical trial, migraines are treatable if yoga and mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques are followed. Rebecca Erwin Wells, associate professor of neurology at the Wake Forest School of Medicine, said that her research showed these non-drug-based treatment methods were extremely successful in the majority of people. “Mindfulness can help people to find new ways of responding to stress, a commonly reported trigger for migraine headaches,” she said. In the trial, 89 adults with a history of suffering from migraines were assigned yoga exercises and MBSR sessions over eight weeks at random. Yoga can help reduce headaches shutterstock/GingerKitten 9. Carbon-neutral shipping to become a reality earlier than expected The Danish shipping company, Moller-Maersk, has been at the forefront of making the world's cargo container transportation system greener. The company has said it aims to be carbon neutral by 2050 including the adoption of zero-carbon container shipping by then, a technology that does not currently exist at any scale. That said, according to a report in the Financial Times, the shipping giant will launch its first carbon-neutral vessel within two years, some seven years ahead of the target it had set for itself. 10. Simple prostate cancer test developed A report in Science Daily suggested that prostate cancer could become much more easily detected in the future thanks to a new technique. Instead of needing to rely on an invasive biopsy, researchers from the University of Michigan have come up with a way of detecting the disease from a urine sample. It’s hoped that this will lead to an increase in the numbers of people being tested for prostate cancer, thereby enabling many more earlier interventions. • Main image: shutterstock/Alex Yuzhkov happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support others in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online classes in our happiness Academy Positive news | Nature | Biology Written by Ed Gould Ed Gould is a UK-based journalist and practitioner of Reiki.

Is it possible to look at challenges and failures as the foundation to personal growth and excellence? Sonia Vadlamani explains why it’s OK to fail sometimes and how to claim back power when you’re feeling defeated by life. Although there are few certainties in this existence, unfortunately we do know this: life can defeat us sometimes. No matter how meticulously we plan things or try to predict every outcome, the possibility of failures and disappointment in life cannot be entirely ruled out. Indeed, all of us find ourselves feeling defeated by life at some point. You may flunk an important exam or interview, a fight may ensue with a best friend who misunderstood your well-intended remark, or your boss may pass up what seemed like a brilliant idea in favour of a seemingly ridiculous suggestion by your colleague. Life is called the school of hard knocks for a reason, after all. I know this from experience. I found myself at the end of my wits during my college years, when I realized the complexity of engineering, which my parents had pressurized me to pursue. No matter how hard I tried, the concepts seemed to elude my grasp and it looked like I’d have to repeat a year. For someone who belongs to a family of academics, being an under-performer was a subject of great humiliation and embarrassment for me and my parents, not to mention the high cost of education itself. Feeling defeated? Break free from the shackles of fear Although I did have to take a re-exam for three subjects, it was actually this setback that helped me realize one of the greatest life lessons of my life. That we are not defined by our failures and defeats, but how we spring back, and the experiences we gather from these setbacks. Consequently, this realization enabled me to excel in my academic subjects as I tried harder and broadened my understanding of the subjects. The result? I passed the final grade with scholastic distinction. RELATED: Sailing the world – 5 lessons I've learned “If you want light to come into your life, you need to stand where it is shining,” stated Guy Finley, the renowned philosopher and self-help writer. Indeed, if we give up without trying to push beyond our embarrassments or fear of failure, we’d never know what lies outside of our comfort zone and what we could truly achieve. When you’re feeling defeated it is essential to prevail and resume your power. Feeling defeated: 9 ways to take back power Although this may seem unimaginable when you’re feeling defeated, it is possible to overcome this terrible feeling and to reclaim your power. So, how to deal with disappointment and move forward? While some of the following ideas may offer instant results in terms of elevated mood and alleviated stress levels, the others require more consistent efforts over a longer duration of time. So, here are nine ways you can take back power and move forward when you are feeling defeated. 1. Acceptance: allow yourself to feel It’s important to lean into your feelings periodically and acknowledge to yourself that you are an ‘emotional creature’. In fact, being aware of your thoughts and labelling your emotions can improve your ability to manage negative emotional experiences, according to a 2007 study by Lieberman et al. Indeed, a proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing or avoiding them, and consciously channel them in a productive and beneficial manner, thus developing emotional agility. Being emotionally agile implies one’s ability to sit with their feelings and thoughts, be they positive (for example, joy, hope, serenity) or negative (fear, anger, sadness). It means accepting feelings in a compassionate manner, without getting derailed or overwhelmed by them. A study by Frank Bond from the Goldsmiths University London revealed that emotional agility can help ease stress, improve accuracy and boost innovation and creativity in individuals. 2. Self-compassion: imagine what you’d say to a friend Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated. According to Dr Kristin Neff, the psychologist who first created a scale to measure self-compassion as a construct, humans often mistakenly assume that compassion towards self induces weakness and has an adverse impact on our goals and productivity. “A proven way to improve your emotional wellness – especially when you’re feeling defeated – is to accept these feelings instead of suppressing them.” Dr Neff recommends practising self-compassion by treating oneself as they’d treat a friend. Positive self-talk plays an important role, especially during adverse situations. So, instead of saying “I’m so lame!” or “What an idiot I’ve made of myself” during a setback, instead, practise saying, “I’m so glad I tried my hand at something new” or, I’m proud of myself for doing this wholeheartedly”. 3. Stop catastrophizing Do you often find yourself jumping to wrong conclusions or blaming yourself for something when you really weren’t at fault? As sentient beings we always try to make sense of events around us, but sometimes our brains devise ‘shortcuts’ and create interpretations which are not entirely precise. This tendency to catastrophize or assume the worst in an unpleasant situation is a result of cognitive distortion pattern known as magnification, wherein our brains blow one disturbing event out of proportion, giving rise to unfavorable conditions like depression and anxiety. RELATED: Feeling blue or clinically depressed? The 4 things you should look out for Luckily, it’s possible to avoid this unhelpful thinking style and opt for more balanced ways of evaluating a situation. Instead of obsessing about what happened and what may further go wrong, take stock of the situation by consciously restructuring your thought patterns. Practising mindfulness can help you reframe your thoughts based on factual procession of events, resulting in improved decision-making. 4. Incorporate gratitude Gratitude plays an important role in improving one’s mental health, especially when you are feeling defeated by life. The simple act of listing down things you appreciate in your life in a gratitude journal can boost resilience and prevent toxic emotions, thus reducing the risk of conditions like stress and depression. What’s more, a study by Prathik Kini et al revealed that practising gratitude can have lasting effect on the brain – it can rewire it, equipping you to deal better with adversities in life. Writing a gratitude journal can boost your resilience shutterstock/Sergey Saulyak 5. Shift your mindset/change perspective When you’re feeling defeated by life, you could be misled into believing that you possess limited talents, also known as the fixed mindset. Psychologist Carol Dweck contrasted fixed mindset with growth mindset, wherein individuals believe that they can achieve their goals by honing their talents and advancing their skill set. Interestingly, those with growth or abundance mindset tend to achieve more, as they concentrate more on learning and taking action towards their goals. Developing a ‘can-do attitude’ allows you to look at obstacles as steppingstones or necessary doses of personal growth instead of failures. 6. Understand the power of ‘small wins’ It’s understandable that you may want to get back up on your feet and set out to chase lofty goals when you’re feeling defeated. Instead, it would be wiser to set small, incremental goals to ensure you achieve them without getting overwhelmed or frustrated. A study published by Harvard Business Review revealed that the quality of a person’s inner work life – or a mix of their emotions, perceptions, and purpose – was the most important driver of their creative pursuits and productivity. “Most of us readily extend kindness and warmth to others in their times of hardship yet fail to do the same with ourselves when we’re feeling defeated.” Start by asking yourself if you can try breaking your goals into smaller sections called ‘systems’ and further into sets of actionable daily tasks that you can track periodically. Small wins tend to activate your brain’s circuitry, and the constant motivation results in release of dopamine and testosterone, thus boosting your confidence. Indeed, you may be amazed to find that these micro-successes executed daily can lead to major breakthroughs. 7. Take regular breaks While taking time to pause when you’re working on something important may seem counterintuitive, researchers agree that taking regular breaks can improve productivity and prevent stress. A 2016 study by Kim, Park and Niu revealed that even micro-breaks or small interventions can prevent the onset of negative affective state of mind at the end of the workday. Indeed, taking small, regular breaks to chat with someone around or getting yourself a glass of water in midst of a busy day can avert the possibility of you feeling defeated in the long run. 8. Stay healthy with exercise Not only does regular exercise strengthen your heart health and keep diseases at bay, but being physically active can even bring long-lasting change for your brain and mind. Working out regularly can make you more receptive to positive feelings like joy, boost your mood and motivation levels and relieve stress. Indeed, staying healthy through regular exercise and including wholesome, gut-friendly foods in your diet can help you overcome the blues, especially when you’re feeling defeated. Working out makes you more receptive to positive feelings shutterstock/mimagephotography 9. Create your life vision A foolproof way to regain power when you’re feeling defeated by the hardships you’ve faced is to understand your purpose in life and create your life vision accordingly. Jen Sincero, a success coach and the author of bestselling Badass Habits stresses on the importance of living fearlessly by ‘aligning’ one’s actions with their deepest desires and goals. Doing this allows you to make the shift from ‘wanting’ to ‘deciding’ to change your life for the better with utmost tenacity. Takeaway: feeling defeated It’s important to understand that pain and suffering from failures in life don’t define us, and that the ability to claim back power lies within us. Directing consistent efforts towards assuming this inherent power can help you avoid the mental trap of self-blame and frustration, allowing you to grow and realize your true potential. • Main image: shutterstock/Overearth happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Life purpose | Motivation Written by Sonia Vadlamani Fitness and healthy food blogger, food photographer and stylist, travel-addict and future self journaler. Sonia loves to write and has resolved to dedicate her life to revealing how easy and important it is to be happier, stronger and fitter each day. Follow her daily pursuits at FitFoodieDiary or on Instagram.

If you turn down new opportunities or chances to learn because you have no confidence in your capabilities, it may be time to develop a can-do attitude. Psychologist Stanislava Puač Jovanović explores 7 ways to get started. A can-do attitude is, simply put, a belief that one can tackle whatever comes their way – and a willingness to do it. Whether you are on the ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ side of things, you probably noticed that how you value yourself and your abilities directly reflects onto how much you can actually do in life. We are, indeed, our best friends or worst enemies. Here I'll explain what a can-do attitude is, where it comes from, and give you seven ways to develop it. What is a can-do attitude? You probably know at least one person with a can-do attitude. They are those people with a conviction that anything can be done once they’ve set their mind to it. It’s more than mere optimism, though. Such a belief is combined with a motivation to work on accomplishing the goal or completing the task. A can-do attitude is a mindset. As such, it is usually deeply ingrained into our psyche. Different factors might contribute to us either being can-doers or doubters, from our temperaments, upbringing, to various experiences we have had throughout our life. Although the can’t-do attitude can be a strong habit of mind, we can also retrain ourselves into a different habit. Indeed, we can learn to change our mindset, believe in ourselves, and – do it! A can-do attitude is responsible for the great deeds and ideas that came to fruition. Heroism, altruism, change, revolution – none of it exists without such a readiness to make it happen. I witnessed many exceptional contributions to the community during my volunteering years. “We can do it” was so contagious that none of us ever even thought those projects might not succeed. Can or can't? The choice is yours! What’s more, technological advancement would have probably ended at just stone tools if it wasn’t for those endowed with a can-do attitude. But you don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the whole world a better or more evolved place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be – in any field. As a mother of a four-year-old, I know it’s safe to say that motherhood is absolutely impossible without such a stance. People who seem to sprint through career advancements, too, are guided by the same attitude: “I can do it!” 7 ways to develop a can-do attitude Everyone’s path towards developing a can-do attitude will differ depending on where you start from. Nonetheless, there are some things everyone can implement to reprogram their mindset. Here are seven ways you can start to develop a can-do attitude. 1. Develop a growth mindset The concept of a growth vs fixed mindset was put forth by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist. In its simplest, fixed mindset means believing that we have unchanging traits. Those characteristics are dictating what and how we can do in life. Thinking of yourself as stupid (or intelligent) would be an example of a fixed mindset. • LOOKING TO MAKE CHANGES? Join our community for more self-help ideas • A growth or abundant mindset, on the other hand, is about believing in the effects of exercise and learning. So, you would not suppose that your intelligence got you through school and into a fulfilling career. You would credit all the hard work and time invested instead. “You don’t need a can-do attitude just to make the world a better place. You need it to challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be.” Why would believing you were intelligent, talented, or good be wrong? The problem with a fixed mindset is that once the trait fails to deliver the results you were after, you feel lost. “This isn’t working! The only explanation is that I’m not clever enough!” See the logic? People with a growth mindset are more resilient to stress and associated adverse outcomes (from academic and career underperformance to depression or substance use). In other words, they believe that anything can be achieved – if the necessary effort and thought are put into them. 2. Accept and learn from your mistakes Whether you like it or not, you will make mistakes. In a way, being alive means erring. However, are you prone to becoming fixated on your errors or beating yourself up? Or, do you tend to cast blame on others for the circumstances? Both habits are probably preventing you from developing a can-do attitude. Accepting responsibility is the first step towards learning from your life experience. Self-forgiveness is the next one. The research revealed the ability to use past mistakes constructively and learn from them results in better individual and group/organisation performance. So, the next time you get it wrong, don’t throw sticks and stones at yourself. Analyze. What happened? And what could be done better the next time? Take a moment to feel bad about it – and then move on. 3. Be mindful of opportunities and take them when they come along One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. This is perfectly natural. However, if you aspire to become someone who believes in themselves, goes out, and gets things done – you need to move outside of your comfort zone. It’s not necessary to be extreme and go far beyond what you used to feel comfortable about. Baby steps will get you there, too. Can-doers always grab new opportunities shutterstock/mavo Simply make it your task to start noticing growth opportunities. When you do spot them, ask yourself if maybe you could engage with it? What would feel safe enough, but still bring a bit of change in your life? Do this regularly, and you’ll start noticing a new perspective opening up. 4. Focus on being congruent When we are trying to transform the way we think about ourselves, we need all the support we can get. In this case, you want your thoughts, actions, and emotions to align. What do we mean by that? Although some proponents of affirmations would tell you that repeating “I can do it!” would be enough to conquer the world, the reality isn’t that simple. A failed attempt at affirming ourselves into greatness will likely result in the psychological discomfort reemerging, a study revealed. MORE LIKE THIS: Feeling Lost In Life? These 7 Steps Will Help You Move On Visualization Meditation: 8 Ways To Practise It How To Find Meaning In Life: 7 Strategies We need to work on changing our thoughts, actions, and feelings and make them all congruent. For example, noticing and changing your thought pattern is one step (we’ll get back to it next). However, you need to work out your emotional reactions and understand why you feel the way you do. Is it rational and substantiated, or could you feel in some other way? Finally, the way you act should also support the can-do attitude. The next time you get the opportunity, make yourself respond to it slightly different to what you’re used to. Somewhat more as a can-doer, to be precise. 5. Be mindful of your self-talk We all have an inside voice telling us different things. For many, the voice is the harshest critic one could imagine. For those with a can-do attitude, on the other hand, “You got this” is the mantra they hear repeatedly in their head. A systematic review of nearly 70 scientific papers confirmed the power of self-talk. Positive self-talk can improve our performance, help with depression or anxiety symptoms, and increase our confidence. Reframing your thoughts makes your mind work for you instead of against you. What we think tends to happen. This so-called Pygmalion effect often works both ways. Be mindful of what you tell yourself shutterstock/pathdoc Therefore, the next time you catch yourself thinking “This is too hard”, “It’s impossible”, “I couldn’t possibly do it”, stop. Then, come up with alternative statements. Don’t go for super-hero level right away. In other words, for affirmations to work, they need to be believable for you. Gradually progress towards automatically thinking positive about yourself, your abilities and your outlook. In that way, you will also start believing that you can do it. 6. Unlearn the learned helplessness Psychological experiments have revealed a phenomenon called ‘learned helplessness’. In short, dogs were put in a problem situation. Every attempt to resolve it and run away from an adverse stimulus would result in more adversity. Afterwards, even when they could escape or terminate the shock, they would not even try. They learned that they were helpless. Humans learn this, too, although, thankfully, usually in a much less dramatic manner. Seligman proposed that, in the face of traumatic events that we cannot control, we might become passive, depressive, and stop learning. Such a state could generalise and make us freeze when facing any challenge. Therefore, if you want to change your attitude towards life and challenges, it’s time for you to start unlearning the learned helplessness. How? “One thing that’s hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities in life. The comfort of the known feels safe.” One thing that’s usually hard for those who do not have a can-do attitude is to notice and take up new opportunities and chances in life. The comfort of the known feels safe. With time, you will accumulate too many arguments against helplessness for your mind to oppose them any longer. 7. Change your locus of control One thing that is characteristic of individuals with a can-do attitude is that they have an inner locus of control. Locus of control is a psychological term indicating where you position the power over your experiences. Is it internal or external? In other words, do you feel that a lot of things are outside of your control? Or do you feel in charge of both your reactions and the events that happen in your life? A study revealed that people with an internal locus of control are healthier, more satisfied, and, overall, have higher subjective well-being levels. If you want to become a person who believes in themselves and has the zest to accomplish whatever they set their mind to, try shifting your locus of control. How to do it? The majority of the above tips will result in a gradual shift of the locus. RELATED: How to Get Shit Done: 8 Productivity Hacks Additionally, try and remember that you always have a choice. Brainstorm your options, talk to people, make lists of pros and cons, whatever works. The choice is always yours. Even when the uncontrollable life events come – you choose how you will see and feel them. Takeaway: Yes, you can! If you don’t possess a can-do attitude just yet, don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’re far from being alone. Nonetheless, if you wish to change things, believe that it can be done. You can become one of those people who seem to have it going for them. Their secret? Allow me to respond with a quote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning • Main image: shutterstock/IC Production happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member? Sign up for free now to: ■ enjoy our happiness magazine ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ develop with free online Academy courses Healthy habits | Mindfulness | Self care Written by Stanislava Puač Jovanović Stanislava Puač Jovanović has a master’s degree in psychology and works as a freelance writer and researcher in this area. Her primary focus is on questions relating to mental health, stress-management, self-development and well-being.

Mooji is a renowned spiritual teacher who is of the Advaita non-duality tradition. Here, he offers two simple yet potent exercises about self-inquiry that help us look and discover our true nature: “This is your internal work. Internal work — eternal satisfaction.” There are two self-inquiry guidances that are offered. Both reveal the same place. If you have been finding the subtle guidances too difficult to follow — of looking and finding that you are earlier than anything you can perceive — there is a simpler but equally powerful exercise. It is to be confirmed in the ‘I am’ vibration. You all know the sense of being. Without practising anything, all beings naturally refer to themselves as ‘I’, I am or I exist. ‘Am’ means to exist, to be. Who is the ‘I’ that am? The ‘I’ that exists? The sense of existence is naturally present within you and feels universally comfortable for all beings. It is there at the beginning of perception and functions during the waking state as the witness and observer of all that appears phenomenally and has meaning for the sense ‘I am’. Exercise one Start with the feeling ‘I exist’. It takes no time to locate this feeling. It is no distance from you. You don’t have to search for it as it is naturally present right where you are. It is the same as consciousness. Just remain self-aware. Don’t let this natural feeling of presence combine with any other concept, thought or intention. Remain empty. Ignore any information from the mind. Stay with this vibration of being — not merely the words ‘I am’ but the intuitive subjective sense of being. That’s all. And remember: don’t allow it to mix with anything else. Now, mind may creep in as thought and say, ‘Well, I don’t see anything, this isn’t working’, and all the usual mischievous noise to distract the attention may come. But you stay firmly in the simple, basic sense of emptiness. If you feel that somehow the attention is slipping away, don’t worry, just each time it is noticed, bring it back to emptiness. Practise this for short periods of about five to seven minutes at a time. In the beginning, you may find that sitting down is a good way to start the exercise. Gradually, as you continue, you will find you can do it while walking or doing most daily tasks. A variation Close your eyes and try to focus on the sense of being. The feeling ‘I am’ indicates this naturally. In the beginning you may feel tired easily, like it is a strain to do the exercise. Remember, you must not let the ‘I am’ feeling mix with other thoughts or sensations. Other thoughts may come and want to play, but do not engage. Just be with the ‘I am’ sense. Gradually, with a little more practice, you will see that the sense ‘I am’ stays by itself, without intrusion, and you will feel a sense of expansion and peace. A natural sense of wanting to stay more in this will come, but start like this, with little pockets of five to seven minutes. Eventually, the sense of being will stand by itself as pure presence. Mooji: his self-inquiry techniques help us discover our true nature Exercise two You are earlier than anything that is perceivable. Anything that you perceive cannot be what you are. Simply stay as this awareness. Witness that all thoughts and sensations, all phenomena, come and go. Notice that you are primarily this perceiving. The computer (of the mind) is on but you don’t log in. Simply look. You will gradually come to experience an immensity of Being. This will be your exercise as you move about in daily life or activities. Don’t run to books for anything. You will find your mind wants a massage every now and, again, as it is habituated to the feeling of being involved, of being important and included. Just observe this. You don’t have to suppress this energy of the mind. You can just let it be, but you yourself stay in the neutral observing space. Stay as the detached formless awareness. You will be able to watch and recognise that identity is just a thought, running from one story to another like a monkey jumping from branch to branch. In the past, it may have gone on for hours without you catching it, but as you continue to stay as the awareness, you will find your vibration strengthening and the consciousness rising to a higher altitude. The ability to catch the mind will be much easier for you now. As soon as identity is playing, a signal will come inside and you will be able to recognise this play with detachment. Now, do you want to continue to wear personal identity? And what is witnessing this identity playing? Don’t let the mind answer for you. Keep quiet. Check in and verify, ‘I am simply here.’ As what are you here? Again you see, ‘I have no comment to make about it. It’s just a sense of being.’ This is the same as the exercise to stay as the ‘I am’. That is also the sense of being which is naturally here — the sense ‘I am’. Then at a certain point, you may start to see, ‘But the ‘I am’ also is seen. The ‘I am’ also is perceived. The sense of presence is also felt.’ Don’t be in a hurry for this. When the ‘I am the person’ idea is sieved through, it becomes just the ‘I am’. If you can come to the sense of just the unmixed presence, this is already tremendous. You are in the field of grace. If you try to force this recognition, then you bring the mind in again and it will seem as though the mind has accomplished something. And what are the wages for the mind? He gets to stay. Avoid this. You may feel that without this exercise, you are already naturally in a place of rest. As you move about, you find that the movement is happening spontaneously, but there is no keeping account of it. Everything is fresh and the attention is not visiting the past or seeking reassurance. It is without need. This is your internal work. Internal work – eternal satisfaction. ● This guidance originally appeared on Mooji.org. It was posted here with the kind permission of the Mooji Team. All material including images are Copyright © Mooji Media Ltd. All rights reserved. For further information about Mooji, please visit www.mooji.org. To view Mooji's teachings and satsangs, please visit www.mooji.tv. About Mooji Since 1999, Mooji has been sharing satsang in the form of spontaneous encounters, retreats, satsang intensives and one-to-one meetings with the many seekers who visit him, from all parts of the world, in search of the direct experience of truth. Few amongst the modern teachers of the advaita tradition expound the ‘knowledge of Self’, and the method of self-enquiry, with such dazzling clarity, love and authority.

If intimacy doesn't come naturally to you, new research suggests ways to improve your romantic relationships. By Elizabeth Hopper on behalf of Greater Good Science Center. When people are uncomfortable with developing intimacy and closeness in their relationships, can they work to overcome this? The tendency to distance yourself from others is characteristic of an “avoidant attachment style,” which research traces back to childhood. When caregivers are available to respond to children’s needs, attachment theory says, children develop a secure attachment style: they trust others and feel comfortable relying on the people they are close to. However, when caregivers fail to meet children’s needs, they can develop insecure attachment: either attachment avoidance or attachment anxiety (the worry that others will fail to be there for them). Together apart: those with attachment issues find it hard to trust Unfortunately for some, attachment style seems to be relatively stable over time. Indeed, research has found that people with secure attachment styles tend to have more stable and long-lasting romantic relationships as adults, whereas people with more avoidant attachment styles tend to experience more negative emotions in social situations and often behave in less constructive ways during conflicts. However, a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that people can actually start to change their attachment style over time and feel better about their relationships — and it might not be as hard as we think. Secure attachment: a study In one experiment, 70 heterosexual couples completed surveys about their relationship and then participated in a series of brief activities in the lab. Half of the couples completed activities designed to increase closeness and intimacy: they took turns answering questions about themselves (similar to these 36 questions, which other researchers have found to increase feelings of closeness). They also participated in partner yoga, where they held hands or otherwise connected to create poses. (The other half of the couples discussed more impersonal questions and participated in individual yoga). “The tendency to distance yourself from others is characteristic of an 'avoidant attachment style,' which research traces back to childhood.” After the intimacy-building exercises, participants with more avoidant attachment styles rated their relationships as higher-quality than they had beforehand. Meanwhile, participants with more secure or anxious attachment styles did not report increases in relationship satisfaction, nor did the couples who completed the other activities — suggesting that intimacy-building can uniquely benefit people with avoidant attachment. The benefits of connecting through shared activities appeared to be long-lasting, as well: according to a survey of participants, one month later, more avoidant participants who had done intimacy-building had actually decreased in attachment avoidance. Ride forward: connect more through shared activities The researchers found similar benefits for spontaneous interactions that couples had at home. In a different study, 67 heterosexual couples in long-term relationships filled out diaries each night for three weeks about their feelings and their partner’s behaviours towards them. Listen and be loved The researchers found that when participants’ romantic partners acted in positive ways — such as listening to them or making them feel loved — the participants felt more positive emotions and fewer negative emotions, and rated their relationship as higher-quality. These links were most pronounced for participants with more avoidant attachment styles, suggesting (again) that they can especially benefit from good experiences in a relationship. Importantly, the activities that helped people with an avoidant attachment style didn’t require a huge effort or time commitment. The researchers found that even simple things, like taking turns answering thoughtful questions with your partner or trying an activity together, can have benefits. (Another experiment they conducted found that simply reflecting on positive relationship memories could help reduce the elevated negative emotions that avoidantly attached people tend to experience.) Sarah Stanton, assistant professor at the University of Edinburgh and lead author of the paper, explains that changing your relationship can start with straightforward activities like these. As she tells Greater Good, “It really can just be as simple as talking to your partner and opening up a little bit.” ● This article was written by Elizabeth Hopper and originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Elizabeth Hopper, Ph.D., received her Ph.D. in psychology from UC Santa Barbara and currently works as a freelance science writer specializing in psychology and mental health. Written by Greater Good Science Center This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. happiness.com is honoured to republish them with the kind permission of the Greater Good Science Center. greatergood.berkeley.edu

Practicing gratitude is a simple way to deal with bad situations and is scientifically proven to have a positive pay off on your health. Arlo Laibowitz examines the ways to be thankful and the benefits. The benefits of practicing gratitude are many. When we're going through tough times, or don’t feel satisfied with life, it's natural to focus on what we lack and take the things that we do have for granted. That's a missed opportunity. Many studies have shown that one of the keys to living a happy and fulfilled life is gratitude. So, how can we develop a gratitude practice? And what are the advantages of being grateful? What is gratitude? Gratitude is the affirmation of goodness in the world, of the gifts and benefits we receive, and the recognition that the source of this goodness is outside of us. Gratitude allows us to: Celebrate the present. Handle toxic or negative emotions better. Be more resistant to stress. And have a higher sense of self-worth. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; } Gratitude practices and programs One of the leading researchers on gratitude is Robert Emmons. He's developed gratitude programs and practices that centre around: Keeping a gratitude journal of three or five things you're grateful for, and thereby developing a daily gratitude practice. Remembering the bad. To be grateful in the now, it helps to remember hardships you've overcome. Asking yourself three questions. “What have I received from __?”, “What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?” Learning prayers of gratitude, or looking for secular alternatives to express gratitude for existence on a regular basis. Coming to your senses. Appreciate everything you can see, smell, taste, and hear. Using visual reminders, to help you appreciate what you have. Making a vow to practice gratitude, which could be as simple as a piece of paper saying “I vow to count my blessings each day.” Minding your language. Use words like 'blessing', 'fortune', 'abundance', and so on. Focus on your speech on others instead of yourself. Going through the motions. Doing grateful actions will make you more grateful; smile, say thank you, and write letters of gratitude. Thinking outside the box. Look for new situations and circumstances to feel grateful. On a practical level, your gratitude practice can consist of many things, from writing a handwritten ‘thank you’-letter, to creating an appreciation calendar, saying “I’m grateful” for everything you touch on a given day, calling your parents or children and expressing your appreciation, sharing a positive post of gratitude on social media, or giving your time or money to a cause or charity. Good stuff: be grateful, feel better! What are the benefits of a gratitude practice? The benefits of gratitude practices range from physical benefits, like having a stronger immune system, lower blood pressure, and better sleep, to psychological benefits like higher levels of positivity, more alertness, joy, and pleasure, to social benefits like being more helpful, generous, compassionate, forgiving, and more connected. People who experience the most gratitude (and therefore the positive effects) tend to: Feel a sense of abundance in their lives. Appreciate the contributions of others to their well-being. Recognise and enjoy life's small pleasures. Acknowledge the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude. In short, developing and maintaining gratitude practices radically transforms your outlook and experience of life. Practice gratitude on a regular basis, and start reaping these benefits for yourself! ● happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum Stress management | Mindfulness | Burnout Written by Arlo Laibowitz Arlo is a filmmaker, artist, lecturer, and intermittent practitioner of metta meditation and morning yoga. When not dreaming about impossible projects and making them happen in the most impractical ways possible, he journals, listens to jazz, or cuddles with his better half.

Rae Bathgate takes a look at a new study focusing around the words associated with happiness. Just what exactly do people relate the word 'happiness' with? The results can teach us how to be more joyful. What does happiness mean to you? Every person is their own world, so every answer is different: you may conjure up a memory, I may think of one person, while some even relate it to a smile or a laugh. But how often does happiness make you think of others? One study asked 521 female participants the following question: what three words come to mind when you think of happiness? While not the most original question, a new study titled “What does happiness prompt in your mind? Culture, word choice, and experienced happiness", conducted between Korea and the United States, shows that it may be worth to sit down and ask ourselves this question more often. The method used in this study was free-association, shown to be an accurate indicator of one’s own self, and in it, evidence surfaced that one type of answer mattered more than others when it comes to happiness. Unsurprisingly, it’s not money, success, fame, glamour, nor is it, sadly, raindrops on roses or warm woollen mittens. Rather, the most revealing words are social words, interpersonal words – in short, those related to other people. Group gains: can friendships boost your happiness? While knowing how often you associate these words with happiness seems to be a telling indicator of how happy you might be, the good news is that you can choose who these other people are (meaning that you can build your own social circle). This phenomenon seems to exist in a positive feedback loop, where fuelling social behaviour – especially helping others – may be the key to a higher life satisfaction. Words associated with happiness The study, conducted by the Yonsei University in Korea and the University of California, Santa Barbara (by researchers Ji-Eun Shin and Eunkook M. Suh, and Kimin Oem and Heejung S. Kim respectively) asked 521 female participants from both countries the following question: “What three words come to mind when you think of happiness?” The test was conducted as a free association task, meaning that subjects were to produce some words (in this case, three) that came to mind related to a prompted cue (in this case, the word “happiness”). Researchers focused on answers they categorised as “social:” These social words, as viewed by the researchers, were ones that simply referred to things like interpersonal relationships. Some examples of the words used were: for abstract values (e.g., “love") specific person (e.g., “friend" or “family") relationships (e.g., “dating”) The ties that bind Out of 1,563 words in total, Koreans wrote down social words more often (42 per cent of the time) as opposed to Americans, who associated social words with happiness only 32 per cent of the time. The most common word among Korean participants was also a social word (“family”) compared to the American words “smile” and “laugh.” Even when looking specifically at Americans’ preferred social words, they tended to be more on chosen social ties, with the words “friends” and “friendship.” This difference between our ideas of happiness is not new and had even been predicted by the researchers. What’s more, the study further mirrored findings that connected loneliness to a lack of family ties in collectivist societies, like in Korea, whereas in America loneliness was more often associated with a lack of friends and confidants. “This phenomenon seems to exist in a positive feedback loop, where fuelling social behaviour – especially helping others – may be the key to a higher life satisfaction.” Rather, the central question to be tested was whether participants who used more social words associated with happiness were, in fact, happier. It turns out the answer is yes. “In both cultures, those who mentioned more social words enjoyed significantly higher life satisfaction,” reported the researchers. This suggests that “defining happiness in social terms is beneficial to happiness in both cultures,” conclude researchers, adding that, “the current finding affirms in a novel way that social experience is indeed a core block of happiness.” RELATED: Money can't buy happiness – except when you spend it like this So, how can we move towards greater social connection (whatever that may mean to you) and consequently, towards a happier life? The answer may be simple. Participants who had a higher incidence of social words and a higher reported level of happiness also reported engaging in activities to help others more often, and previous studies have shown that altruistic activities seem to make us happy. Net gains: group activity, such as fishing, is important While researchers acknowledge that the results of this study are mostly correlative, not causative, they suggest that participating in such activities will start a positive feedback loop, thereby making you happier, teaching you to associate happiness with social connectivity, leading you to seek out and provide social support, causing you to be happier, and so on. Haven't we studied this before? Happiness, its causes, and its components have long been a source of research interest. In academia, there has been extensive documentation and widespread agreement "that positive social experience is one of the most significant predictors of happiness,” as written by Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim. Some researchers even go as far as to suggest that social experience was the only condition for happiness, other than the absence of psychopathology (Diener and Seligman, 2002). “Participants who had a higher incidence of social words and a higher reported level of happiness also reported engaging in activities to help others more often.” Previously used methods have been yes/no questionnaires, or longer, free-form essays; while both accurate to an extent, these methods often proved either too restrictive or not enough so. While seemingly simple, free-association, on the other hand, has yielded powerful results in the world of psychology, proving itself an accurate predictor of personality aspects and demographic characteristics. This, according to researchers, is because, “Words that are called up when we think about happiness are a sort of cognitive 'package,' created based on our upbringing, culture and personal experiences.” Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim’s work also asked participants to report on their level of happiness and social involvement. Global happiness was measured using the most widely used method, the Cantril’s Self-Anchoring Scale, while the rest of the study focused on establishing "the person’s level of interest, desire, and competence for developing a relationship with others,” with concepts like: emotional support belonging loneliness optimism efficacy interpersonal closeness How others make you happier Researchers Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim specify that their study is to be taken as a complement to previous work, noting that the primary objective is to draw a parallel between "beliefs about happiness and how they relate to actual experiences of happiness,” by delving into two countries’ deeply-held beliefs about the subject. So, does linking happiness to social relationships give you a more positive outlook on life? Not necessarily. The study showed that in both ascribed (e.g. “family”) and self-chosen (e.g. “friends”) relationships, there was no difference in optimism by those who used more social words. Better together: social connectivity is one key to happiness However, these subjects reported feeling significantly less lonely, as researchers Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim note: “They believed that their selves overlapped more with others, desired more social belongingness, and presumably as a consequence, were less lonely.” Indeed, this stronger social connection (or, as the researchers put it, the content of happiness) seems to indicate a higher level of happiness: in other words, if your definition of happiness is to spend quality time with others, the chances are that you will be happier. RELATED: Happiness in different cultures This held true for both American and Korean participants, indicating that “holding a socially rich theory of happiness is beneficial to the mental health of both Americans and Koreans,” explain the researchers, who conclude that, “Fulfilment of social need seems to be a universally necessary condition of happiness.” What does it all mean? Social interaction is a tricky thing: for each person, some days and nights lend themselves to picnics, bonfires, dancing and socialising, and days that are fabricated more for some alone time with a book. With their study, Shin, Suh, Oem and Kim aren’t suggesting that the real key to happiness is only through social interaction. Rather, their research supports the idea that those who associate happiness with the notion of strong, reliable social relationships seem to be the happiest. So, how does one change one’s beliefs about what happiness means? Well, apart from continuing to read up on the subject of the key to happiness, you can jump-start a positive feedback loop by engaging in activities that foster strong relationships, preferably ones where you (yes, you!) can help someone else. Cultivating social ties, especially those where you can give back as well are proven to make you happier –or at least, less lonely – which in turn may change your whole perspective on what happiness means. ● Main image: colourbox.com happiness.com | The fine art of being: learn, practise, share Are you a happiness.com member yet? Sign up for free now to enjoy: ■ our happiness magazine with practical life tips ■ share and support in our happiness forum ■ self-develop with free online classes in our Academy Positive psychology | Life purpose | Motivation Written by Rae Bathgate Rae Bathgate is an American journalist based in Barcelona, where she enjoys sunlight, yoga, and bookbinding.

Where does happiness come from? James Holloway suggests that ancient philosophers such as Epicurus, Plato and Herodotus may hold some of the answers. We spend a lot of time and effort trying to make ourselves happy, but we hardly ever think about what happiness actually is. Is it a situation? A state of mind? A spiritual experience? Well, if anyone would know, it'd be the wisest philosophers of the ancient world, right? Well, not exactly. We'd all like to think that some ancient sage somewhere in the history of happiness had the secret completely figured out. A thorough reading of philosophical writings, however, can just leave you more confused than when you started. Some philosophers defined happiness as meaning something different than we would with our current set of ideals. While others had some rather unusual ideas about how to achieve it. The history of happiness: Epicurus Let's start with one of the later Greek philosophers, Epicurus. Probably no thinker has had his name more misused than poor old Epicurus. Today, when we call someone an Epicurean or an epicure, we mean that they love to eat, drink and live well. Ironically, that's exactly the sort of claim that Epicurus' followers spent a lot of time defending themselves against. The reason for this misconception stems from Epicurus' understanding of the relationship between happiness and morality. For the Epicureans, the senses were a guide to life: if something felt good, that was a sign you should do it. If it felt bad, it should be avoided. Epicurus: eat, play and be happy! © Eric Gaba/Sting Sounds like a simple code! But not so fast. While this might sound like a simple – and mostly harmless – rule to follow, Epicurus' teachings had a lot of critics. They objected to the principle of hedonism, which they said was a quick pathway to immoral behaviour. Hedonism being defined as the pursuit of pleasure or self-indulgence. It has various interpretations, mainly of the immoral persuasion. “If it feels good, do it?” What if what felt good was just lying around all day getting drunk? These critics caricatured the Epicureans as pleasure-obsessed brutes who ignored the idea of a higher, spiritual happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Epicureans, in turn, vigorously denied that they were any such things. Instead, Epicurus and his followers claimed that feeling good was about more than getting drunk and having sex. They derived that genuine happiness came from the absence of worry and stress. A condition they called ataraxia. And how do you achieve ataraxia? The secret is summed up in the tetrapharmakos, the “four-fold cure.” Don't fear God Don't worry about death What is good is easy to get What is terrible is easy to endure “For the Epicureans, the senses were a guide to life. If something felt good, that was a sign you should do it. If it felt bad, it should be avoided.” So, how do you achieve this? Obviously, by studying physics. Come again? It might seem like a weird answer, but it's the real deal, at least according to Epicurean philosopher Diogenes of Oinoanda. According to Diogenes – and from what we can reconstruct of Epicurus' teachings, which we mostly know from Diogenes. Many people are unhappy because they worry about evil omens and other supernatural phenomena. They worry about things that are in fact not real. Unproven by science and logic. If they all would just sit down and study science they would learn that those things aren't real. They'd soon be on their way to a worry-free and happy existence. So, there you have it. Follow your senses. Insofar as your senses lead you to a scientific understanding of the universe that you live in. On your quest for knowledge, I wouldn't necessarily recommend going to Epicurus for that scientific understanding, though. Since he seems to have believed that your brain was in your chest. A common belief at the time. He also recommended that you avoid physical pain. A piece of advice you probably don't need a philosopher for. So, perhaps Epicurus isn't the right guy to go to for advice on happiness. What about other great ancient philosophers? What about Plato? Well, remember all those philosophical critics who were lighting up Epicurus for the alleged immorality of his philosophy? They might have had a little more time for Plato's argument. If hedonism was the indulgence of only one thing: pleasure, Plato's idea had a far better ring to it for these critics. For Plato, being happy meant having a balanced personality: wise, brave, just and moderate. Above all, you had to be self-controlled. Athenian society of the era cared so much about self-control that they viewed people who liked seafood too much the way we view drug addicts. Too much desire for the pleasures in life – wine, sex and fish – was the sign of a disordered mind, a person more devoted to pleasure than happiness. Plato on happiness: Self-control and wisdom led to happiness © Bibi Saint-Pol Plato believed that you couldn't be happy without first being good. Which may be true, but it's harder to argue that all good people are necessarily happy, isn't it? How do you rate that? For Plato and his student Aristotle, virtue is central to happiness. And if you were really and truly virtuous you'd be able to deal with your misfortunes and stay happy. Thanks to your self-control. Make sense? “Too much desire for the pleasures in life – wine, sex and fish – was the sign of a disordered mind, a person more devoted to pleasure than happiness.” Herodotus: the father of history If a life of virtue and self-discipline doesn't sound like your ideal road to happiness. maybe some other Greek authors have a better option for us. Let's see what Herodotus, had to say on the subject of happiness. In a story about the great Greek lawmaker Solon, Herodotus puts this sentiment into his mouth. “If besides all this he ends his life well, then he is the one whom you seek, the one worthy to be called fortunate.” Many translations use “happy” instead of “fortunate,” and that's what leads most people to summarise this one as “call no man happy until he is dead.” According to Herodotus, you're not happy until you've passed a happy life and then died a happy death. Herodotus: Happiness lies in death © Wienwiki/Walter Maderbacher So, what can we learn from how ancient philosophers approached the idea of happiness? Well, on the surface it doesn't sound great. Leaving out Herodotus' grim dictum, everyone else seems to agree that happiness is ultimately internal. Something that comes from cultivating the right attitude toward the challenges life hits us with. And that's not surprising: the ancient world was a dangerous place. Disease, war and political unrest were common features of the landscape. Relying on the quality of your surroundings to make you happy was just asking to be disappointed. Cultivating a calm, realistic, balanced outlook – no matter how difficult that might sound – was a far safer bet. And even in a world where we're not as likely to suddenly perish of a disease no one can identify, get speared by the invading Persians or be turned into an animal by a jealous god, that might not be such bad advice after all. ● © Main image: Ingram Image Written by James Holloway James Holloway is a historian and freelancer writer living in Cambridge. In addition to teaching about all the usual kings-battles-and-inventions stuff, he spends his spare time researching and writing about the stranger corners of history, from forgotten holidays to quack medicines to werewolves.